We Hate Movies - S5 Ep185: I, Frankenstein

Episode Date: January 6, 2015

We're back! Kicking off 2015 with the Worst of 2014, the gang tackles one of the biggest, most useless stinkers in show history, I, Frankenstein! How many times can you use the world gargoyle before going insane? Is Adam Frankenstein sterile? And why on planet Earth would you try to wrap this into Underworld Marvel-style? PLUS: Everyone gets Monster Mash-ed! It's good to be back! I, Frankenstein stars Aaron Eckhart, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Bill Nighy, Jai Courtney, Bruce Spence and Kevin Grevioux; directed by Stuart Beattie. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Tedak. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. to 2015.

It's the first episode of 2015. So, let's start off on a clean slate. Anyone who's new to the program, this is a comedy show, where we take a movie that we don't like or we do like, and then we just poop, boop, boop, boop, pook a couple of holes in it and have a little fun along the way. Boop, boop, boop, man. That's radio for poking holes and things. You got to boop, boop, boop.

It'd be great if somebody was listening for, like, the whole time and decided from that description, like, wait, what? They do what? What have I been listening to? I feel like an idiot. I thought it was a political show. Click. That's him hanging up on our television show or podcast, whatever it is. You know what? It's a new year.

We took a whole week off. Might be a little rusty. Sure. You know, these things happen. So, yeah, for anyone who's new, welcome. like we said at the top I'm Andrew Oh my this this voice right here

Oh this is Eric Siska I'm a different guy And I am yet another different person My voice sounds like this My name's Steve And then there's a fourth guy Who's not here right now Yeah his name is Chris

And that's a different voice Yeah he's got another voice So we are collectively We Hate Movies And there's no video component into this show. No, no, no, that's true. Turn your sets off, all right? Just turn. Yeah, and when I, when we record

this, I close my eyes. So I'm kind of experiencing it with you. Eric was like, I want to know what it's like to record a podcast blind. Yeah. And he hasn't stopped since. I learned it from, what was that? Derek Jacoby's Blue.

Oh, yeah. Is that the name? No, Derek Jarman. yeah there you go i knew i knew you'd get it wow that's the second time that that movie's come up for me in a couple weeks really i was telling my students about it a few weeks back played a shrimp man like repo man now if you're an old pro with this show and you're looking at the 314 mark and we haven't mentioned the name of the movie it means we really fucking hated it all right so let's just bite down on it real quickly we're talking about oh and by the way january it's our worst of the previous year month yes so these are all movies uh from last year from 2014 that we despised. They're not necessarily the absolute worst movie because sometimes we just can't bring ourselves to talk about

those. But they're bad movies that we didn't care for and it's from the year 2014. Now again, we normally have a 10 year rule in place which means that we don't do movies that are not at least 10 years old but obviously we break that for this. It'd be great if you trolled all

like all big major movie websites with like, you're saying that this movie, you're saying that I Frankenstein was worse than like inner ass 16 Like just troll it with just porno titles And just like Because like Theoretically those are movies

And these are not the worst I Frankenstein's a much better movie than Interass 16 I think I'd rather watch Interass No because by the time you got to 16 men The direction which they took that franchise Was just silly I mean once you only go to space once Yeah

That's the problem You go to space twice I'm like eh You go to space four times There's a real issue with you your franchise with the in her ass franchise you know it would be great if it was like inner space

oh man like maybe his you know his his his item shrinks down and it's just really unfulfilling that's all it is so uh here we are we're we just crossed that four minute mark almost

all right so the oh man oh man the holes that we dig ourselves 1795 I. Frankenstein. That's when it starts. The movie is I Frankenstein. It's directed by Stuart Bady. It's based on it. Who wrote collateral? What happened, guys? He's written a lot of movies. What happened, Guy? I don't know, man. You get the opportunity to direct something that's just too tasty.

Yeah, but you go and, you know, you start with the worst material anyone can have. What? This is based on a comic book. All comic books are great things. Yeah. No, incorrect. Most comic books shouldn't be made into movies, especially ones written by the guy who wrote Underworld. Like, this is one of those, like, what you call a backdoor comic book? Yeah. This is not, it was published by Darkstore entertainment or some such thing.

Are there corporate offices someone's garage? It is. It's got to be like, you know, it's just Mirage, you know what I mean? Like, BC Comics, maybe? Yeah, seriously. Bark horse But you've got two You're kind of taking

Dark Horse comics And Wildstorm comics Putting them together And making an unsuccessful output What is Wildstorm comics? They're an imprinted DC They used to be an imprinted image And they've done like

Wildcats Do they have to do Only comic book titles That have Wild in them? Wild Rangers the comic book adaptation of wild hogs the comic book adaptation of Rees Witherspoon's wild Wild Things adaptation

David Lynch is wild at heart That would make a pretty good comic adaptation He would Charlie Sheen's Wild Thing The comic series From Major League And whileing out with Nick Cannon What is that? I don't know it's some youth show

That existed before you know, a few years ago. Also new listeners were collectively 408 years old. Just like Frankenstein. Yes, Frankenstein. Don't you mean Adam?

I mean I Frankenstein. I Frankenstein, a.k.a. Adam. It's named that later by a bunch of gargoyles. This is, I think, the first movie in show history where I watched it, And I couldn't really remember the plot.

I was like, what the hell? And then I read it online, the Wikipedia plot description. Yeah. I was like, okay, that's what I had. I just want the big short. Pencils down. I've watched this twice now. And if it wasn't for Wikipedia, I don't think I'd have a handle on it.

Because the first time I watched it, I had the exact experience as you did, Eric, which was, wait, what was that movie about, like, seconds after it hit credits? So I, Frankenstein. You know the story of Frankenstein. This ain't your mama's Frankenstein. It's not. It's a lot cooler. You know why?

Because your mama's Frankenstein didn't have gargoyles in it. The word gargoyle is like fine, and then you watch I Frankenstein, and the word gargoyle is hilarious. What we also have to address right up front? Okay, now, Frankenstein, that you, your mom is Frankenstein, you understand. Victor Frankenstein, the doctor. Oh, right, but his creature was made out of, you know, pieces of corpses, so he's like a giant hulking weird monster. Correct. This one is like grade A, USAD, beef cake.

Dude, I want to get down with this monster. Aaron Eckhart is in fantabulous shape in this movie. You say, do you want to get monster mash? Yes, Steve. I want to get monster matched. But how is this a... You look at Aaron Eckhart's shirtless body. Oh, my God.

This is no mistake. This isn't random pieces. This ain't your mama's Frankenstein. Well, that's what they keep calling, oh, that monster, that disgusting abomination. But that's the most handsome man I've ever seen. There are some ugly ass pigs calling Aaron Eckhart a monster in this movie, and it's weird. He makes James Dean look like Danny DeVito in this movie. All right?

You could put all the fake little scars on him you want. That's one handsome fuck. Seriously. Like the worst that happened to him was he got in a Mark Hamel car accident. Right. But how is this supposed to be a random assortment of body parts? These are all the best. And you know what?

That was one thing that I was thinking about. Is this movie better? And I think it is. If you just put a little night crawler makeup on him, he's green. You know what I mean? He looks like the, like, same thing. Green would be good. Green is fine because then it looks like, oh, he's otherworldly.

Like, that's a monster. That's where he's rotting. Yeah. Putrid flesh. Exactly. That's not Aaron Eckart with, like, who cut himself shaving

in the worst possible way. You know, here's another way you could kind of fix that too. I just thought of this. Because it's all like sections, right? You can see all the stitching all over his handsome chest. If you had like half of a tattoo.

Yeah. And it was like noticeably cut off. Yeah. Right? Just like the ass end of a horse or something. And you're like, where's the rest of that horse? That was from a different dead body

Or maybe if you had like An Asian arm and a black arm Exactly, just mix it up a little bit Get a Dracula arm in there maybe Oh you definitely need a Dracula arm If I'm making a Frankenstein It's gonna have three arms First thing's first

Three armed monsters Yeah and that's not even counting downstairs That was my question Does he have genitals in this movie? Oh definitely and they work fully functional like data the robot oh well i this is a good question now i know i'm guessing data cannot impregnate someone but can i frankenstein do this no i i have a feeling he's sterile oh it's like dead seaman come up no i just think he's shooting blanks altogether there's nothing there i was

working in my lab late one night i don't know and then what happened sex actual just sex just sex just monster mashing all night so it's like you know he tells the story of frankenstein pretty concisely and then i was like and then i killed his wife and then victor frankestine followed me out to the edges of the earth and i'm i'm a mutant monster and he's a regular dude so he died and this is this is the mary shelly story that i mean that yeah the following me to the north and he freezes that's mary shell i kind of like the idea of mary shelly like sitting around a parlor with her her husband and her sister and she's telling the story

and then he freezes like oh Mary that's wonderful oh I didn't get to the gargoyles yet they're like you know what Mary just shut up you had it it it's fine right the editor like this is a perfect place to end the book cut it up here this other 700 pages you don't need

we can keep it to 110 but but the gargoyle queen yeah Mary Mary Mary shut up Mary shut up if you ever write another book maybe you can you can use gargoyles then. Also another great thing about the word gargoyle after you watch this movie. Putting gargoyle in front of

other things, very hilarious. They say things like Gargoyle Army in this movie, Gargoyle Queen. So I started doing it to other things, right? Like gargoyle restaurant. Or like a gargoyle's only bathroom. That is

discrimination. I would be happy to discriminate against a gargoyle because they're jerks in this movie. And they're not like that sex voiced cartoon show. No, no Keith David to be found. Why not, you know, throw a phone to Keith David. Well, no, you know, I could spend a few

days since my, my Saturday morning cartoons. Now, gargoyles in general, stone creatures of Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's sitting on the top of cathedral. I guess these guys turn to stone ish a little bit. They do, yeah, they're like stone monsters. The problem is they're all the same gargoyle, which bothers me. I want to see

like one with a long nose, one with big ears, one with a big groucho marks, Mustache. Sure. Once the gargoyle queen, speaking of putting things in front and right after gargoyle, the gargoyle queen has like a white marble to her. It's very nice. It's very cheap. There is so much cheapness in this movie. Yeah. This is the thing. If you don't have money to make your movie look good, don't be making a movie with computer gargoyles floating all over the place. No, exactly. This looks like an intentional. and you're already doing demons we'll get there but come on you're it's it's you got the creature you got the demons you got the gargoyles how is there not one hell damn ass dracula in this whole movie i mean i get it like van helsing was really stupid and he like integrated all of those things into that movie so i think like the sequel would have been a dracula's fighting if more than four

people went out to see this movie one of that one of them was steve by the way this Yeah, I did see this in theaters. You know, hey, look. Some people stay up late to watch a lunar eclipse. Some people go see Eye Frankenstein. Hey, that's fine, man. Just qualify to show research. You can use it as a write-off.

Yeah, by taxes. Yep. On your deathbed. Speaking of crossovers, what you might call it? Kevin Girot, who wrote the comic and the movie, who wrote the underworld movies, wanted to have Celine show up at the end. Kate Beckinsale Celine

in a stinger scene like an I Frankenstein Avengers I think literally everyone who heard that idea from Celine on down thought it was terrible I think it's great I want to will they or won't they

with this hunky monster he is the sexiest monster of all time since Brad Pitt played a vampire yeah oh yeah since Antonio Bandaris played a vampire since Tom Cruise played a of fanfired. Oh, that was all in the same movie.

It's Stephen Ray. No. No. So, Stephen Ray looks like everyone's grandmother, doesn't he? Yeah, he does, actually. Yeah, that's that old Irish man thing. Smelling those baseball caps in the SVU episode, you creep. That's John Savage. Oh, that's John Savage. What's Stephen Ray doing? He's a, he's in an interview as well. Yeah, I think he's one of those high scoring pedophiles on that show, too. There's so many.

So Frankenstein is just like wandering the earth, you know, feeling bummed out that he murdered this woman without really much any comeuppance. Right, because he got mad that he was created. So he just murdered this innocent poor woman. And then Victor got mad at him. Yeah. So, no, no, no, no. You're mixing it up. Victor promised him that he was going to build the creature a mate.

A bride of my Frankenstein. Right. Yeah, bride of eye frankincide. He promised that there would be an eye bride, Eric. And then he reneged on the. the deal. And so then the creature got pissed off and killed the wife saying, if I can't have I bride,

you can't have your bride. Oh, you know what? That works. Thanks for clearing that up, but that makes total sense because he's got all this dead genitalia. He needs to match it with other dead genitalia. I don't know how much it is about monster intercourse as it is about

having a buddy for the end of the world. Yeah. But you can get a buddy bunny, excuse me. You can get a buddy anywhere. I love it if it's just a creature like Aaron Eckhart's hanging out with a bunch of bunnies. Or it's like a Harvey-esque creature. He's like seeing this rabbit. Oh, hey, Frankenstein. Do you see that huge rabbit in the hallway? Oh, fuck a gargoyle. Oh, no, a demon. And Jimmy Stewart hangs himself because he could handle the rabbit, like gargoyles Frankenstein. and demons, no. It's all too silly. That's what they call movies nowadays? I'm glad I've been dead for almost 20 years.

Well, so what it is, though, is like the prologue of this movie is the end of the book. Yes. And it gets up to, like, literally the end of the book. Like, I went back and I buried him and I hate his rotten guts. And then some gargoyles showed up. And some demons were fighting me. Like, it's such a, it's such a. Like a shitty, you know what it's like, it's like one of those improv exercises where they're like, all right, we're going to get to the end of the story and then tell you what happened next, you know? And it's like, well, and then I don't know, some demons start to fight them in the graveyard. It seems like it's a setup based out of bad improvs. These demons are like bad Battlestar Galactica. I'm sorry, bad Babylon five monsters. Like the makeup is so terrible. It's terrible. It's like season one Buffy bag.

It's really bad animation. And everyone just got extra horns every which way. And it's like, what's the point? You know what I mean? Like, you're supposed to be like a hell demon. Look like it. And honestly, like, you know what? Those Ghost Rider, nobody liked those Ghost Rider movies.

So why would anyone like the Sy Frankenstein movie, which is almost the same thing? It's Ghost Rider, but you can't be bothered to have a Nicholas Cage or be a motorcycle. That's the only two reasons I'm going to see those movies. Lose, lose. It's terrible. So, yeah, the whole thing is he slays a couple of demons, and then these gargoyles are like, wow, we never saw a non-gargoyle kill a demon before. What's that about? And then Aaron Eckhart just runs away.

And then he's like, oh, we have to go to the gargoyle queen. And then Aaron Eckhart's monster laughs for 10 minutes. He's like, no, seriously, that's a real thing. That's my boss. what is with like the sick gargoyle penhouse that they all live in too where is this supposed to take place he says we go back to where I was from the world of man and that

but that could be any it's like Europe question mark yeah well it has to be it has to be Europe well it's Europe yeah but they don't specify like boggy old London town Gayle Perry are we in Transylvania or are we talking I mean there's no monuments of any kind No, and everyone speaks complete American English. I mean, I just got it, guys.

What's like America? What's like Europe? It's Canada. Oh, yeah, we're in Montreal. The movie was filmed in Sydney, actually. So Australia, you know, allowed this to happen. That's fine. We won't hold it against them.

We love Australia. But certainly we're not in Australia because no one's using an accent. Everything's American, everything. But it's also specifically European-looking. Nobody drives a car, so we don't know on what side of the road we're in. Nobody drives a car. And you know what else is really weird about this movie? the most part and you know catch me if i'm wrong here there are no like extras anyway no it's it's a

vacant dead city it's as if the the place was was uh vacated and reconstructed by david fincher because every every one out is like no no we're going to put all these green lights here every which way this might be like a dark city floating city in space it's entirely possible because there's no one who's not a Frankenstein, a demon, or a gargoyle running around, except for the one human, the lady scientist there, and her assistant. So that's two people. Once, we do get a couple extras in one scene where we're following I Frankenstein back to the world of man. He's like, oh, some things have changed like he's looking weird at people's clothes and stuff.

And some things are the same. And he's like, man, people are drinking alcohol in this bar. Humans still do that. We don't know. Does he eat? Does he drink? Does he piss? We don't see any of it. And for the most part, because I was trying to catch it if he was intentionally doing it or not. Not a lot of blinking from Aaron Eckhart in this movie.

Very a lot of like just droopy face staring at things. It's really unsettling. In the worst way. Not even the good unsettling. Yeah. So the gargall queen's like, look, dude, we don't know what to do with you. Why don't you hang out here where the only other people are. in the world and he's like yeah no thanks could I get some cool weapons though and it's like

oh awesome and he gets like these Steve blackman kendo sticks and he starts walking around pretty badass dude he's just looking like a shit-ass nightwing through this whole movie with these sticks man these electro sticks it's stupid and you know he walks off he's like I'm gonna kill demons because I have so much rage I'll never take another human life but these demons these demons do you it sounds like he's going through some stuff i don't think he should be killing any you know even demons like settle down monster yet you got eternity why don't you just you know learn to live peacefully figure your shit out learn to go fly fishing or something he does say at one point during this longer than i'd care for narration uh that like after he escaped he tells the gargoyle

clan you know to go screw i'm my own monster So he gets out of there And he basically says Like he goes to all the corners of the world To like hide and just be alone Yeah But that The demons

Would not leave him alone Like he tried for peace and quiet But those those rowdy God damn demons kept following me Well we find out later It's because demons want to Apparently demons can only possess people Who don't have souls

And they're like oh shit That guy doesn't have soul And they start going around Or they just find him hot Because he's a really good looking dude Dude, no idea that dude. If I could get my devil magic into that body. Dude, that's what it is.

Unstoppable. No, all they want is just a little monster mash, man. That's all they want. That's all anyone wants. And unfortunately, this movie never gives it to us. No, it's, no. Honestly, it starts like kind of flirting with will this monster get romantically linked to this human woman? Yeah. And I was like, don't you, don't you?

I don't. This woman can do way better than a monster. No, I wanted it to happen because I've been dying for the Frankenbaby. I want to know if it works. And I want to see a thing get born. Well, I guess you could write to, well, all around Renaissance man, Kevin Giroux, and ask him to do a second script. I'm sure he's got three scripts.

Jack of all trades, master of none. Yeah, you're probably right, Steve. It was an intended trilogy. Add it to the list of trilogies that'll never get made. God bless it. So he just starts fighting other demons. He goes back to the gargoyle queen.

Now in the modern era, and we know it's the modern era because he's wearing an urban outfitter's hoodie the whole time. Where did he know to get that snazzy haircut? Yeah. What are you talking about? Second question, is his hair like doll hair or does it grow back? Is that the last haircut he's ever going to get? Oh, my God.

I think you're right. That's not growing back. No, yeah. That's it. That's the end of it. His was the head of a criminal. He has to be very careful with his haircuts. Exactly.

He got lucky. I mean, that's a pretty perennial haircut. Just a classy. Yeah. Over the side swoop. But like, that's it. That's it. You get really pissed.

It's hot in the summer. You get a buzz cut. Enjoy that buzz cut in December 2929. Now, that's the thing, though. I think it is a fairly manageable haircut. It can take you through all seasons. Flick it back if you want. But with all the rowdy advice.

adventures that he's having, I wouldn't be surprised if one day he gets himself caught up in an explosion, that hair burns off. That's the end of it. Say it isn't so. Then you're just wearing a wig the rest of your days. I got a feeling the monster would not have a problem walking around

bald. Wasn't De Niro's monster bald? Oh, the Dino's monster was messed up, man. Was it bald, though? Yeah, it was bald. It was just like everything was all in the wrong place. And that's a monster you would not have sex with. See, that's what makes sense for a Frankenstein creature. Exactly. Looking all

gross. There's a well that's the thing. There's like oh there's the whole the treaties of this film is the St. No Mama's Frankenstein right, right, right, right. There's a difference between and having to have the bolts and the neck and the flathead. You could find another design that's not just like wind-swept

hair and beautiful blue eyes. Yeah, you know what, director of this movie? Why don't you go ask Sir Kenneth Brenna about making a monster? He'll give you a couple of notes and you could take some of them. Probably not going to take all of them. You don't want I of Frankenstein to be three hours long.

So now we're fighting on the side of the gargoyles again. Yeah, he's with the gargoyles. They fight. There's just so many times the gargoyles fight the demons. And it's like, wait, why? Who? Exactly. What are we looking for?

What are we looking for? What's the thing? What's the... Okay, here's the... They did add some cool things to fighting. All right. Okay, now, when the gargoyles kill a demon, it descends, which it has a fire trail behind it, and that represents him going back to hell forever.

Yep, that's right. And when a gargoyle dies, I always, I always thought, I always thought that these gargoyles would probably be more of a demonic in nature or something by their nasty appearance. Sure. Yeah, because they're gargoyles. No, no, no, no, no. They ascend when they die in a beam of light. comes and they go to heaven and play with the angels or they get abducted by aliens you don't see

where that light's going do you think the aliens are abducting the moments before death and like yep and then and then they resuscitate them and brainwash them they give them a nice brain scrub and then they make them part of their growing alien army but you know what else gets scrubbed too man they probe man oh oh oh i was like what they're gargoyle balls i don't know where are you home of this. No, but like they haven't, you know, well, at least the first couple of gargoyles are getting inspected. Yeah, that's right.

They did it to play. I mean, I personally want to know. Yeah. What's the deal with gargoyle genitalia says Jerry Seinfeld? This hilarious like X plot of like this gargoyle guy and this gargoyle girl that like have a secret love affair

and then in one of the battles like they both get stabbed and he dies and then she's like, and then like for i frank it says like let me help you oh i don't know i take care of a gargoy what's going on in there like you got you got blood or oh you know what offer rescinded stay there i'm gonna you got gargoyle doctors or what's the her medic and she's just like no i'm sick of this horseshit let me die apparently in heaven or in gargoyle heaven at least like you can get down to some sex. Really?

But, well, that's what she says. She's like, listen, let me die. It was forbidden on earth, but in heaven everything's gravy. Exactly. Anything goes, dude. It's like Vegas. You're telling me wing creatures are having all types of crazy sex in the kingdom of heaven.

That's what I, Frankenstein leads me to believe. Are angels snippy to gargoyles, you think? Why aren't they just fucking angels? Am I wrong here? Like, angels v. Demon? That's something I can get behind. I get it. You got wings. Right. Because I think that that Da Vinci code guy's suing you.

No, but I also think it's... Dan Brown. The most American fart name of all time. I own angels and demons. Sorry, you're going to have to pay the Piper. The literary Piper, if you want to have... No, we'll just use gargoyles. Thank you. But here's the thing. Angels are lame. And this ain't your mama's. Frankenstein. So then...

You ate your mama's angels. They're gargoyles. How cool are gargoyles? Never once, though, did I look at a gargoyle? And I was like, you're an agent of the Lord God. I want to watch you for 90 minutes, Mr. Gargoyle. I want to see what adventures you happen to get up to. I see a gargoyle.

And I'm like, you're a brick, basically. Just sit there for the next hundred years and shut up. Oh, you think that's why Jai Courtney was hired? because he's a brick He's a series of bricks Oh my God It's just like a cargoer look at him All right

Let me let me run something by you guys here I want to see if it works on you okay Picture Jai Courtney In this movie or in Live Free or Die Hard Whatever you want to do And you got Jai Courtney in your head Yeah I'm already

I forgot what it looks like already But go on So he looks like a guy That probably listens to a lot of Jack Johnson right oh yeah right yeah he gets down he listens to some shitty music oh yeah or a lot of new metal it's one or the other with jack oh you know when he's when he's rolling up in his ride that's new metal that's new metal time when he's light and a bonfire on the beach it's jack johnson time yeah exactly i think he's all his bro friends leave he puts on the jack johnson

when the bro friends show up it's like hey let's listen to break stuff by limpisket yeah La da da da da da da da da da making movies with Bruce Willis La da da da da da da da I can just see it happening I can I don't know The Gargwell Queen by the way God damn it Is poor old Miranda Otto of Lord of the Rings fame Yeah that's just like oh sorry lady

I feel like they just Sometimes when you cast a movie You drive up to like Emerald City Comic Con And like you're picking up migrant workers to work on a half house and you're like hey who walked in and then like you know whoever's there just gets on for the day do you think she was like oh man offer to be an i frankenstein dials a phone oh hey peter jackson you sure there's no room for me in any of these hobbit movies you got nine hours to fill you pause you could just cut back see what i was doing beforehand hello well i frankenstein it is

What am I? A goblin? No, that would be stupid. You're a gargoyle queen. Oh. See, it's a hot property because it's not an iconic role yet. You know, she can make the gargoyle queen like a new pop culture zeitgeist. Like, you know. Yeah. You thought Dracula was cool. Now we all, now we're all talking about gargoyal queens.

We're all fighting over who's going to be the next James Bond. Meanwhile, who's going to be the next gargoyle queen? also I'm sure she has some dumbass name that no one can possibly remember because everyone's either you're just a gargoyle or you're not a gargoyle that's how I look at this movie what is with the deal with the gargoyles just naming him Adam that's the gargoyle queens judge yeah because all the other gargoyles are like it it it

the creature the creature and she's like no I see humanity in him I shall name you Adam I don't understand the pronoun it it's not like oh my god I can't even understand what that thing is it's a fucking dude yeah like it's a dude it's a dude with a dude haircut a dude jacket dude slacks dude shoes and why doesn't he identify as human and why hasn't he named himself yet why does he he's got he's been walking the earth for hundreds and hundreds of years and he's never thought of an alias I'm Paul Frankenstein okay so what happens when

Frankenstein goes into like a Starbucks or something and they ask him his name is he's never had an alias he's just going to say creature I'm creature I'm creature I'm creature yeah he's coming up with something I feel

yeah that I comma Frankenstein I dash Frankenstein I colon Frankenstein look you are not getting on this airport unless you talk straight with me hon is it I dot Frankenstein like that will that I dot I am

that is what it should have been it should have been i dot frankenstein not i comma frankenstein ira frankenstein that's what you want so like it comes to it comes to pass that bill nighi dons this movie you know it just just just darkens the doorstep of this poor movie he's adding prestige oh man it's just like i don't know what kevin did like did kevin jeru like just go through his garbage one day is like oh you'll be in every movie i'll be in every movie i I want you to be in, pal. It's, yeah, it's totally possible. He found out Bill Knight.

He was in all sorts of embarrassing debt. Yeah. And he was just like, you know you're going to come make this movie, right? Because Kevin Drew has a hilariously deep voice. And he was just like, well, whatever could you mean? I would never be in your dumb eye Frankenstein movie. Oh, yeah. How about that American Express card, Bill?

Oh, wait, Kevin Drew is the big dude? Mm-hmm. From steel and all those things? Yes. The voice of Satan himself? Yes. The same guy? It's the guy.

He's in his own movie. Oh, my God. His movie adaptation that he wrote from a comic book, he also wrote. That's what's happening. And I love that he can't even write himself a better role than just like Anonymous Heavy No. 7. Dude, I wrote a note somewhere that he, in every movie that he's been in, has had a line that's something like, boss, everything is going to play. Or the opposite of, you know, like, sir, we've hit a snag. Like, he has those, like, henchmen lines and everything.

Agent, now that Michael Clark Duncan is dead, you think I could get in there? Get a little, uh, there's a gap in the world, you know what I mean? Yeah, and you ain't going to fill it, pal. We're going to get Dennis Haysbert for Sin City, too, if you don't mind. Did they really? They did, yeah. Oh, my God, I got to see it now. nobody wants to say. Is he playing the same character

that Michael Clark Duncan played? Yeah. They were casting. Shut up. All right. Yeah. I just But I was available. If they would have put that in the trailer, maybe I'd have seen him. As it stands, most people didn't see that movie. Talk about things no one wanted.

A second Sin City. And if you were going to do a second Sin City, do it in a reasonable time after the first Sin City. Exactly. It's like being at a bar And someone's like, shots, shot, shot, shot, shots. And you do them, and you're having a great time. And so it's like, oh, totally, let's do some more. But then, like, they have to go get their wallet.

And then you're, like, put your coat on. And you're like, dude, it's, it's, that the time passed. Like, we're all tired. We're going to go home. The sitter has to be let out. You're going to order another Sin City. I got one foot out the door. Well, no, yeah.

He'll order it for you. And you leave the bar. You're, like, early 20s. And then the dude wakes you up in the middle of the night. you're 35 and he's like, I got it, man. I got that Sin City you wanted. He's like, who are you? I haven't seen you in 15 years.

We all thought you were dead. Turned out you were making another Sin City. Oh, we had a funeral for you and everything. Empty casket through at the ocean. We're not doing Sin Cities anymore. No way. I'm too old for that. I got kids, man.

I mean, so like, Oh, Bill Nye. Bill Nye shows up and he's all pouting and Bill Nye-esque. He, by the way, is a demon prince. Nabilius. Like, come on. Give me anything.

It sucks so bad. Why isn't he just the devil? Is it so impossible for Bill Nye to be the devil? That'd be great. That's what the showdown needs to be. You're taunting the fact that all these things keep descending to hell. How about we see the main man?

I don't want to see middle management. And if the devil's involved, I can maybe buy gargoyles more, you know? Because it's like you've already, okay, you've raised the bar to such a level that the devil's involved. I will be more willing to believe all your gobbly gogook magic. Right. Well, actually, the devil was going to appear in the third installment of I. You shut up, Kevin Garrow. Also, why do I, why does he have to be a prince of hell?

Like, he's 98 years old as it stands. He's 100 million years in hell time. Like, I feel like saying we have a Prince Charles. Like, honestly, after you turn like 68 years old, you're not a Prince. Maybe you're a Baron. Maybe just switch it up. It's so cute. It's so demutative of a term.

You look like such a dumbass. You're this old-ass man walking around being called a Prince. It's embarrassing. It is. It's embarrassing, Prince Charles. That's why he's now the artist formerly known as. Exactly. It's a child's term.

But he's just waiting for his father to die. Is his father the devil? Is he... Bill Nigh or Prince Charles? Because Prince Charles is waiting for his mother to die. Both. No, his mother to die. Oh, right.

So then he'll be the king of England. But was his father the devil? Prince Charles? Yeah. Possibly. Okay. Now, was Bill Nyehe's father the devil? More possibly than Prince Charles.

Yeah, I don't know how being a prince of... It would have to be... Or maybe it's just like an honorary title. You would have to be, right? Yeah. Because who's his mother then? Like, come on. You're just putting too much into the pot, Kevin Garrow.

It doesn't make him more important or badass of a villain that he's also some sort of vague royalty. You can still give him a goon status report if he's the devil. If he's the devil, if he's a baron of hell, he doesn't have to be a prince for your good status report. Do you think that original, like the original script because he wanted this zing? to be put in at the end, or the Stinger rather. Do you think Bill Nihy was supposed to be playing that same vampire character for those movies for like part of the shoot?

And then he was like, oh no, Kate Beckinsale won't be in the movie. Hey, Bill, you're not a vampire anymore. Oh, I guess I won't adjust my performance at all then. Oh, lucky for you, Kevin Guru. My vampire performance is very similar to my Prince Demon performance. Or maybe it's like

The Clumps, the third movie It's Bill Nighy in six different roles But they're all this A vampire prince, a goblin king Satan and a vampire Perfect I would love that If you show me a bunch of Bill Nihis

In a room yelling at each other and like Monster hissing I'm down I'll watch that That's better than my Frankenstein You put a record on in that room You got a monster match Because, and they're probably trying sex stuff with each other.

Totally. And then Kevin Gru, you truly have yourself a box office graveyard smash. And then you go into the room, bosses, everything's going to plan. Scratch that. Something's come up. That's another one. Something's come up. That guy said it 12,000 times on camera.

And, you know, what a perfect opportunity for a Kaleigh-ylla-esque orgy would be a demon movie. Yep, that's true. Because they, you know You got shirtless beefcakes already in this movie But the thing is they don't do The demons don't really do anything evil Aside from try and kill Frankenstein Which I don't necessarily think's a bad thing

No, there shouldn't be that monster roaming the street He's an abomination He's a front to the Lord in heaven And all the gargoyles that serve him So no, it's weird The gargoyles and him have a weird dynamic They got kind of a love-hate thing Yeah Frankenstein you mean

or Adam, Adam Frankenstein? Yes, the titular eye of the film. Mitch Frankenstein? Yeah. What about him now? Oh, he's got a rocky relationship with the gargoyles? Yeah, it's like they love him one second, hate him the next. Apparently, he accidentally kills a human being, or he's accused of by the gargoyle order.

No, he totally kills Frankenstein's wife. No, no, no, no, but he, wasn't he like, don't they could turn on him? him for like... Oh, no, that's right, because oh, you're right. So what happens is... The thing is, it doesn't matter, everyone. No, it doesn't matter. But I just recalled what you were talking about. So at one point, like, he comes back to whatever city this

is supposed to be. And he pops into this fucking gargoyal order to, like, Kramer. Like, he's always just pop it in and pop it out. Yeah, so he comes in, he makes a sandwich and he leaves. There's a... There's an applause with the audience. But, yeah, at one point, he goes after... Because he's looking for Bill Nihy

is the thing. He doesn't know what Bill Nyehy. he looks like he knows the name Nubirius. And he's, where's Nubirius? He's putting on his two-face voice in this movie. And so he's hunting for Niberius, and he's getting after all these demons. And the demons kind of like run out of this nightclub

because all of these movies, they're hanging out in nightclubs. Blade were in nightclubs, underworld movies, and nightclubs all over the place. So we're in a nightclub. These demons make a run for it. So then what Eric is referring to is a cop comes out of nowhere

and sees them fighting. And he's like, hey, you guys knock off that horsing around over there. And then the demon comes up and breaks this cop's neck. Yeah. So then the gargoyles get all pissed off at Mitch Frankenstein. And they're like, hey, man, a human got killed tonight. That's fucked up. And he's like, I had nothing to do with it.

It was Batman's fault. But yeah, so that's what they're blaming that on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I guess they get really pissed off when humans get killed. But thankfully, they're in the city where I think there's five humans. That cop got killed. there's four humans. Wait, maybe that's why it matters more. Yes. Because it's like, dude, this is not like a regular city. People are going to notice.

On the other side of the movie, you've got the lady from Chuck, who's like the scientist, she's like, she's doing like Victor Frankenstein-esque experiments for Bill Nahi, who looks like the most evil fuck in the galaxy. And he keeps going, he's like, is everything going according to plan? And everyone's like, oh, I think I might be working for Satan. She's so clueless in this movie. I would love for her to go home and, like, you see her log on to Facebook. And she's just like, oh, rough day at work today. Sometimes my boss can be a real jerk, frowny emoticon. Jeez, it's like I'm working for the devil or something.

You would have to know, like, because he keeps coming back being like, when will these corpses be reanimated? She's like, I don't know, boss. And she's like talking about paralysis and shit. Like, no, no, no. Clearly, this guy does not want to cure paralysis. Yeah, no, exactly. Like, so they're working on a rat, and they're, like, trying to charge this rat back to life. And, like, kind of gets a little bit of a heartbeat going on.

It's not exactly, like, running all over the place. But, you know, for a first run, it did okay, you know? Not bad. And then, yeah, Bill Nye, like, walks out of the shadows, and he's like... Out of a puff of red smoke. Yeah, he's like, how long until we get to a human subject? And she's like, well, you know, um, he'll... Human bodies are a lot more complicated looking than rap bodies.

And he's like, tell me about it. And then just like goes back into that red cloud. Oh, man. One of the other, like a MacGuffin in this movie is Victor Frankenstein's journal. Oh, Jesus. And it's just like that has all the secrets to how to reanimate the dead and whatnot. And one of the dumbest things I ever heard was she's reading this journal. And it turns out he used.

used electric eels as electricity to reanimate Mr. I. Frankenstein. Right, yeah. Well, the other thing about it is, and yes, that's stupid. Like, where did he get electric eels? What, was he in water? Like, how did this work?

You plug him in? It's like a cartoon. Get him all riled up. He put a lot of fish eggs all over his body, and they apparently sting him. It, like, bites at him just enough, and then, like, shoots electricity into his heart. so stupid like she's sitting there going over like what it would take to reanimate a corpse

of a of a human being because she's like doing she's doing the math and she's like well you'd need such and such amount of electricity and i i don't even you couldn't harness electricity like that back then i you couldn't generate it so i just i don't even know how this would happen and bill nigh he's like let's say there was someone who once successfully did this and she's like yeah yeah yeah you keep talking about this frankenstein urban legend which i guess in this world. Yes. It doesn't exist. You know, it's not a, it's not a book, clearly. It's like, it's a comic book. I wrote that comic book. We know, Kevin. It was pretty great, I thought. Good enough for a movie or three. And yeah, so the whole thing is like, it's the urban legend of Victor

Frankenstein brought a man back from the dead, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, right, but so say there was a book that explained step by step how you could accomplish this. Would you want to take a look at it? And she's like, yeah, but it's fake. And he's like, we'll see about that in a few hours. How are we doing on the book, Kevin Guru? Yeah, we're doing okay. Give me a couple minutes to report back.

I mean, like, if you're working on a spreadsheet, your boss comes by and he's like, you know, Frankenstein was really. You're like, well, I'm going to start looking for another job. Clearly, this is not the place for me. Clearly this is a clown outfit. I don't know what the fuck this guy's getting up to but it's none of my business. But it's so tempting because all this equipment in this spooky secret lab is pretty high tech.

It is. And she's got like a lab assistant or a partner or whatever and this guy's got no qualms about working for the devil. He's not asking any questions. Bald scientists slated to die at some point in this movie. Money talks and bullshit walks, man. The fucking check cleared. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I'll do your corpse reanimation research. Just keep paying me 65.

grand a month. Demons pay well. They do. Gargoyles, minimum wage. Below minimum wage because somehow you earn tips. I don't know what that deal is. Well, you know, the thing with demons having so much money is because they're working off all that, you know, expired currency.

They've been around for so long. They're just full of de blooms. Oh, right. They're probably all kind of Confederate gold, Nazi golds. All kinds of gold that was, you know, accumulated. through nefarious ways. Right. Niberious ways,

is the word you were looking for. Perfect. He's a business demon. The gargoyle queen gets kidnapped. And Jai Courtney is dumb as a sack of bricks. He's like, well, all they're asking for is the book, this novel by Mary Shelley is all I have to do is run down to Barnes & Noble. Get the Penguin Edition classic.

It's 595. It's not that much. Dude, that would be awesome. If this was a world, much like the world of Dracula, 2000 where there is like the Bram Stoker book and they're kind of like ha ha ha isn't that funny vampires right if they did that in this movie and it's like

ha ha ha the Mary Shelley book yeah they really got all the details right like if it was that kind of world then Jai Courtney pulls a Marty McFly in Back to the Future too and he switches the cover of Victor Frankenstein's novel with the diary rather

with Mary Shelley's novel and then he's just like like the the demon prince is just thumbing through it. And he's like, this looks more like a work of fiction than anything. And then he just opens the cover. And he's like, ooh la la, ooh, la, class discussion notes. What is this? But I mean, so he's like, all right, here is the most valuable piece.

You've been chasing this guy for thousands of years. We have no idea why. But here's just a book anyway. Just take it, whatever. Frankenstein comes around They get into a big old Frankenstein fight The fighting sucks Because it's really like fast motion

And super cool We're looking like a shitty video game That's all it is And it's terrible animation too So it's like Like I said it looks like N64 And that's really Most of the movie

Like we're getting into the The nitty gritty here But the majority of this movie Is just dumb fights With dumb Jai Courtney's dumb face Moving around And you don't want that I mean, honestly, for the other scenes that aren't fights,

I wanted to hit X to skip the tutorial. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Just skip this cut scene. Yeah. Did you guys know that in the world of this movie, there's been a centuries-long war going on between demons and gargoyles? No, really?

Dude, they talk about this dumb-ass war at least every five minutes. Like, at least every five minutes, it gets brought up in some capacity. The war between demons and gregory. gargoyles and it's the whole like generic like we we have to defend the light against the darkness and i'm like you're just saying a bunch of nothing like do you want to know why no one understands this movie because it's just the most base like black v white shit it's so terrible but like that also brings up again how does angels fit into this did the angels lose and god was like i need to make a more gnarly thing to fight them maybe the angels are like uh kind of

conscientious objectors, you know what I mean? Like, it's like their peacenicks up in heaven. Yeah, exactly. Just smoking rea for flower children. Like, like, like, uh, like, uh, uh, a bunch of Quakers. Well, yeah, you know, yeah. They could build a barn. Yeah.

They could put up a nice heavenly barn. No, they're like Richard Dreyfuss. He's going up to a Canadian heaven. Hmm. That's a, that's a, uh, a more American graffiti reference. Ooh. Yeah. Eish.

Do with that what you will. I'll be over here talking about more American graffiti. He gets killed and sent to Canadian heavens. But that's the thing. What does God think about all this? It just seems like a waste of time to have a bunch of gargoyles fighting a bunch of demons. Just go down to Satan. Settle this shit.

Yeah, just go talk to him. You know, it's like, you know, when Don Corleone is going to, he has that meeting, right? And he's like, listen, we got to stop killing each other. Like, it's fucking pointless. I just don't want to deal heroin anymore. Like, just have that kind of a meeting. Like, I promise, I'm not going to hurt any of your guys. You promise your guys aren't going to hurt any of my guys.

You do your thing down there. I'll do my thing up here. We'll leave Earth as the middle ground. Nobody needs it. Look at all these pigs anyway. And isn't there any status updates? Wouldn't the devil be, like, wait, wait,000 years war. Like, that's still going on?

You guys still haven't finished up. It needs to be bumped upstairs. The boss's desk Take it to hire management and get this thing solved Because you're just wasting our time I know we have eternity But there's other things to get done Seriously why are we wasting time with gargoyles

I mean that's the thing It's like they're not even like God doesn't even care He's like oh God let the gargoyles do what they want That was a big mistake on my part Honestly You know if you went If you went to me

2,000 years ago And you were like God what are you doing And I was like I'm just making some gargoyles Well, they're these stone things that can come to light and think about calling them gargoyles. I would have asked you to tell me that that's a bad idea. Because these gargoyles are my worst invention of all time. I've nowhere to put them.

They always need a place to live. I say, go, go, okay, you guys go, go to the top of the church and just take a load off. And, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your job, Gargoyle. Just guard this building. There you go. That's your job. And that's why you can't go into a church when someone has asylum in there because the gargoyles will come to life as God's decree and murder anyone who attempts to violate that hollow ground. Hallow ground.

Oh, what did I say? Hollow ground. That's just a hole. Well, that's where I Frankenstein came from. This woman is there, the doctor, is there during the fight, blah, blah, blah, all this shit happens. He kills a demon. Nobody cares at all because the plot barely inches forward in this movie. She goes, he, I, Frankenstein, grabs her from behind with fingerless gloves and says, Don't worry, nothing's going to happen.

I'm not going to hurt you. Yep, that's when my heart explodes. Anyone, any hulking figure with finger with fingerless gloves grabs your throat and tells you to be quiet and they're not going to hurt you? get your rape whistle out Get it out and get it wet Well you know what But then she turns around And sees that it's handsome as hell

Aaron Eckhart And she was like Oh no he was telling the truth Oh yeah There's no way this beautiful man Is going to harm me Then they go to I Frankenstein's apartment You know

And it's just like Of course he's living in a burned out Something or other Yeah Sorry about the mess Do you want anything to drink or something Can I get you something? I've got

I've got sugar-free ice tea That's about Here's some rainwater from a puddle That's all I got I've got that and microwaveable White Castle hamburgers You know no Don't worry about the living room

We can sit on my bed We'll watch the movie in there Yeah you know what That light's broken It's just never worked But you're supposed to watch movies In the dark anyway right I mean right

It works, right? I love that I Frankenstein lives in a burned out warehouse, but somehow he's still got a functioning DVD player at a TV. I mean, like we were saying, he's basically human, right? Of course he would. All I have is one copy of Good Night and Good Luck. It's a good movie. You know, that's when newscasters meant something.

Not like today's news media. You know, I'm sorry to get all political. political on you. Let's just watch the movie. I just never thought that we'd come to a point where honest reporting was more rare than gargoyles. That's what's changed the most of this world is the news.

So anyway, she's like, oh, I believe in you. I, Frankenstein. You're the good guy and the gargoyles are the good guy. It's such like, turn on a dime horse. it's such or shit i would be hard pressed for uh an undead creature to sell me on gargoyles well he says gargoyle queen to her and she's like okay there's one part in this movie where and it's amazing because it's almost as if

erin egghart is talking to the audience sitting in the theater watching this movie because she's she expresses some sort of doubt about something or other and he was like listen this is all happening it's real okay like the movie stops and he's like look just just buy it all right just please just buy it it's almost over just please buy it thank you can we please finish this movie i know it's the dumbest thing you've ever heard but it's real it's happening oh and he's also kind of interested in like if she could help him out because like he's got the diary yeah and he's reading through like, I have to see how I

was created. Also, you might be able to make me a mate. That idea lasts for like 10 minutes and that is instantly thrown out the window. Well, if you're not going to be my girlfriend, maybe you could hook me up with one of your dead friends. You know what? Maybe

you could make me someone that would sit and watch good night and good luck with me. I told you that light never worked. Why does everything have to be a scam? is i frankenstein getting shot down on a date i'm taking my jacket off and my sweater it's hot there is one part in that scene where like because he's got his shirt off for some unknown

no you know the reason and she's just like sit on the bed sit on the bed please sit on the bed and i was like no no no you're not going to kiss eye frankenstein are you is that where this is going necrophilia baby that is necrophilia don't you down do you think it's cold it would have to be i mean i guess so right he's a corpse but in order maybe it's not functioning because don't you need blood to uh i don't know how this fucking thing works man

he's a skin sack like i don't know how is muscles flex at all it's just history's mysteries you're totally right you put away the p90x when she came in yep man p90x send that back to a couple of years ago

It's fine. What are we back to Nordic Tracks? I Frankenstein has a Nordic track. Definitely does. Because he's been around so long. A shitty rowing machine in the 1980s? Oh, yeah. Totally.

A good old wooden rowing machine. Absolutely. And the excuse is always, it still works. I don't see what the big deal is. I still get exercise. What does it matter to you what I use? Um, oh, so Jai Courtney gets killed at one point for no reason. Because he's trying to assassinate I Frankenstein.

Well, because she, what's her favorite? Basically, I. Frankenstein in one of his jaunts. Like, he basically, he's like going around to the three locations of this movie multiple times. Like, out of breath, like, do you got the thing? No, okay, I'll be back in 10 minutes. Go, you stay here. Nobody, please nobody move. I'm going to be back in 10 minutes.

I can't keep doing this. On one of his jaunts to Bill Nihis science lab, he goes underneath and finds an army of I Frankenstein. Oh. man this is this is where things get really stupid it's like the matrix but of corpses yes yes yeah like like the borg it's just this impossibly giant room what kind of a basement situation in this office building are we talking about bill naive thousands and thousands of these things all just sitting there waiting like they put they basically put a a pentagram on their head set it and forget it like just get a nice

evil marinade knowing they show it they show a devil doctor doing all he's doing is pedigrams on people and i guess it does something oh and the devil doctor's played by somebody too he's kind of a famous actor is he uh not a famous actor he's like one of them that guys can't recall right now point is he's a devil doctor also the weird thing about this is like it is like steve is not using hyperbole when he says thousands like there's thousands of corpses in these little devil sacks like the matrix like just sitting waiting to gestate and Bill Nyey has

some comment about like oh yeah these are all real corpses and I was like well there's thousands of people down here how is that like where everybody went in this city? Yeah oh yeah they just keep killing people that's why the streets are barren except for gargoyles and

demons well it's been hundreds of years apparently they've been collecting because all they need is the it's the colonel's recipe on how to make a fucking Frankenstein and they've been waiting hundreds of you like Bill Knight's been very patient he's like all right we'll just wait it out he's there's got to be

a journal we'll catch eye Frankenstein we'll just chase him around year after year and we'll just keep amassing these corpses at least we're making progress in that area yeah you know the time comes we have the corpses would you rather not have the corpses or would you rather have the corpses

the funny thing is once they once you the big secret she finds out she got this whole setup It's all electricity. It's just a frequency of electricity. You give me a day. You're like, look, in some frequency, it's either 5,000 volts, a thousand volts or whatever.

I'll try them all and I'll get it, baby. You know what are you waiting for? We would have gotten it by now if it was that simple. Exactly. Like the rest of the world, we would all know about this. Like, are they afraid they're going to like overcook them? Like, is that the idea? You got thousands of corpses, figure it out.

Yeah, just bring one up to that laboratory, I have. have to keep looking at and just try it out exactly and make it and make it a lady one and then you could have a scene where the lady evil uh dead body could try to seduce i frankenstein oh dude undercover corpse yeah you could you could she'll be like oh yeah i made you that that woman you wanted oh yeah but it's secretly from niberius right and then there'll be like she'll turn on him and then he's going to be forced to kill another woman. Dude, I would love it if they start dating and she keeps talking about like, my dad,

my dad, my dad. And he's like, you know, we've been going out for six months. I think it's about time I meet your family. You keep talking about this dad. I don't even know his name. And then she just turns to the camera and she's like, his name is Niberius. And she attacks him. She's playing

the long con. They've been dating for six months. It'd be perfect. That'd be great. Unfortunately, that would probably make this movie longer than it's refreshing. 98 minutes. Really, Sheila. Even after that long weekend in the country this is what it was all it was a game all along.

I'm just a stupid game. Am I just a bet? A stupid bet? A bet with your devil dad? The other thing is he never owns up to kill him this lady. Like even the devil, even the woman doctor, you know, in his sexy apartment. And he's like, and I had to kill Victor

Frankenstein's wife because she was looking at me cross. And she's like so you kill anybody else? He's like, no, it's just the one woman. I mean, you know, a deal's a deal, you know? And she's like, okay. Just at one time, I told you. I only killed demons now. Yes, oh, that's right. She said something about

like, well, have you killed anyone since then? And he's like, only demons. I was like, I don't. But then, why did you kill that other woman? Well, I mean, seriously, the guy was a total dick. He wasn't going to learn his lesson as I killed his wife. Dude, he told me he was going to do one thing, and then he didn't do it. So I killed his wife. What is so complicated about this?

He was the scientist. I didn't know you guys had to be scientists to figure it out. He never even says it's a mistake. Or like, no regret it. No regret. He loves it. And somehow, somehow, even though he is the biggest dick in the paranormal universe, somehow he magically has a soul at the thing.

end of this movie. After all the rigmarole, nothing works because somehow that rude monster who has no regrets for killing that woman for essentially no reason just magically has a soul. Stupid. I think that was, you know, God watching him be like, he's taking out more demons than my goddamn gargoyles. And I made these gargoyles to take out demons. You know, gargoyles. You could take a note or two

from i Frankenstein over here he's got quite the work ethic shut up god actually i did kill one other woman i was working at a restaurant this time and this guy ordered like three hundred dollars worth of sushi and then he left me an entourage DVD

so i killed his wife well at least that one makes sense my god entourage on DVD I would have smote him as well see the preview for that movie I did not, but I, man, that's going to be something. That is a must miss, man.

Is it as big of a must-miss as Mark Wahlberg's The Gambler? It's a bigger must-miss than Mark Wahlberg's the gambler. Is that a must-miss? Two words, John Goodman. Yeah. John Goodman's in the gambler, and he's supposed to be really good. Far as I know, John Goodman is not in the entourage movie. And isn't that guy, that director on the short list?

takeover Star Trek? Who? The gambler, the guy who directed that. Oh, is he really? I read that, yeah. Oh, interesting. I thought they confirmed the Star Trek director. Oh, did they? Yeah, maybe not. All right. History's mysteries. I, Frankenstein. We're still, the war is still raging on everybody. So basically, she has the book. She gets kidnapped again because she's a woman. She's like, she's a sidekick for like three minutes and then gets kidnapped, obviously. Right. Sidekick for three minutes, bad date, all of a sudden, I Frankenstein Letzer gets kidnapped again. So Miranda Otto's like, oh, Jai Courtney, you go kill him. You go kill I Frankenstein. Because after 150,000 years, I realize that if the demons want something, it's probably easier just to kill the fuck.

But we also had this exchange not more than 15 minutes ago in the movie where they had the whole thing of like, I'm going to exchange. change the diary for Miranda Otto's safety and release from the demon army. You know, something, some, I mean, that's got to mean something in the whole scheme of how she feels about I Frankenstein. And then all of a sudden, she's like, you know what, on second thought, why don't you, I kill him? Because I am tired of this. So he goes and he tries to kill I Frankenstein. They have a little bit of a fight. J. Courtney ambushes him. Yeah, totally unmemorable fight. It's a video. game fight it is and then at the end like it's one of those things where like we both fall down

and oh my god i got stabbed with something yeah you think i won but oh there's white light coming out yeah he starts to shake like he's getting the quickening and it turns out it's just a beam of light coming out of his back and he's like oh now what what you what you would imagine just due to like movie history like how that would work was he was like had this little blade gotcha because the whole thing is to kill these these these these these these these demons or these gargoyles, you just have to have like this dumb little symbol on whatever you're sticking into somebody. Sure.

It's like a cross but with like three like cross lines instead of one. It's like the Greek Orthodox cross practically. Yeah. It turns out that's the true religion. Right. It's always the Greek Orthodox the whole time. So that's what you think, right? They fall off this roof and he's like, ah, totally stuck you with this little penknife with

the cross on it. No, no. Somehow, by falling off of this. roof, like during the fall. Adam produces this huge axe out of nowhere, and that's what Jai Courtney falls on. Well, it's his own axe. I think it was...

Oh, is it his own axe? It was all in the tumbling of it or whatever. Oh, hoisted by his own partart, huh? Here's the thing. If God loves I Frankenstein so much, right? Which he clearly does, because he gives him a soul at the end and makes him a real boy. Right. Why is Jai Courtney going to heaven for trying to kill him? You know what I mean?

Like, it would be great if he's like, oh shit. I didn't know I. Frankenstein was the one true son of God. And you know what? Not to nitpick. Oh, David forbid. But technically, if he's falling on his own acts like you say, that's a suicide

gargoyle. And even with gargoyles, suicides a sin. To hell you go, Jai Courtney. Total flubbed. They used the wrong light color there. The wrong direction. Gary, did you? Oh, you hit F8?

Oh, man. That's the Gargoyle ascension, not the demon dissension. No, no, no, no. It's going to cost more to go back and redo it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just going to go to heaven. Fuck it. Hopefully nobody on a podcast points this out a year from now.

Yeah, he'll just be up there hanging out with Hitler. It's okay, Gary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gary. We know you gave Hitler the white light too, you idiot. Man, a flashback scene where I Frankenstein kills Hitler. And for some reason, he gets the white light? Everybody thought it was a suicide in the bunker. They didn't know.

Frankenstein was there turned out Hitler was a demon that's right Germany elected a demon boy were their faces red he was he was the first prince and Niberius is the younger younger oh you think

Niberius was the backup to Prince Hitler Yes in terms of antichrist's sure It goes Hitler, Niberius Marilyn Manson the three antichrists.

Man, even the devil would think it's so cool to put those names together. And I mean, you know, whatever. So, like, I mean, I'm, I'm getting confused as to what battle we're up to. I don't even care. There's so many useless battles. So let's get to the last one. Sure. Basically, um,

Nyberius has the lady. He's got the, he starts his big, his big stupid, like, a circus machine of all these I Frankensteins and of course they have little statuses from 1%

all the way up to 100 Oh you need those progress bars For what? Like when would Here's the thing If I'm making Hey when did you make these things Like in the 20s

In the in the in the aught Yeah that's See that's a big problem right How are you If you've been preserving These corpses for hundreds of years As you say you have been Right

When did these little electronic nesting sacks come into play. Complete with progress bars. Well, that's the thing is, I am not. I don't care who. Niberius, my boss. Anybody's like, hey, Steve, you got to go

and put little doohickeys on all these dead bodies, on these thousands of dead bodies, because it would make more sense. Like, for what? Why do we need to watch their progress? We'll know when they get out. You know what, Steve, though, you're a salaried employee and that's intern work. That is it to do it.

Now, and Niberius should have to get one of his Niberius interns to do it. twist would have been once the status bar went through and it opens up and they're just all skeletons. And Niberius is like, you idiots they're rotten. It turned out Niberius hired the

three stooges to be the maintenance guys and there. And now you got Jason and the Argonauts running around. You know what? Sign me up. Go all the way. Give me some scary skeletons. You know what, Niberius? Here's when your monster's done. When a giant thing

bursts out of his sack. Then it's finished. I don't need a countdown. I don't need a percentage tab. It's so dumb. I'm torrenting all these souls. Only a 50%. Maybe I should torrent less souls at once. You know what? There are so many people leaching this soul right now.

Why don't you fucking seed people. Seed that soul. Soul seek. That's a soul seek. But I think you could do that. In purgatory, there's got to be plenty of lawless souls, like, not claimed yet. yeah like are you looking for a good time soul why don't you come up to niberius's soul sack so they're all going like one two

and it's like oh my god and you know like as a human being and anyone that's ever seen a movie like obviously before they get to a hundred percent something's gonna happen something's gonna happen and that's something is a bunch of gargoyles burst in and start just killing these things well they're following they're all pissed that i frankenstein killed jai Courtney so they're like they're following him

to kill him and then Miranda Otto's like oh no he's leading us to the demon lair he was on our side the whole time it's like what when was that ever not an option he just doesn't like you so essentially they made Frankenstein

into like yo jimbo why he's always playing both sides he's going oh he was actually on our side what you need in this story by the way which the first time i watched this movie i was writing i was so not comprehend i mean yes you need good writing i was so not comprehending the story speaking of good

writing that when jai courtney like attacks him i thought jai courtney turned on it yeah and i was like how about that jai courtney's gargoyle turns out he's working for niberius he couldn't turn down yeah he's got all the devil bucks yeah exactly turn that shit down that's honestly what i thought happened and then this time i was watching i was like oh wait he didn't turn oh he he just accidentally killed himself. Oh, that's stupid. It's like burn after reading. Yeah, a gross disappointment.

Well, I think this was a bigger disappointment. Oh, yeah. Because I was so anticipating I Frankenstein's. Kevin Grohl's like, oh, I'm going to go out there and kick I Frankenstein's ass. And he's like rolling up his big demon sleeve. And of course, he gets killed by a gargoyle in. seconds. Right. And that is one of the dumbest gags of all time,

right? He's like huffing and puffing getting ready to get out there. And this gargoyle just swoops in like a taradactyl and picks him up and rips off his demon head. Bill Nighy gets some demon time as well in this movie. Well, that's this is about the time. So like all the gargoyles and demons

are fucking and fighting each other outside. And nobody cares. Fucking and fighting gargoyles and demons. And you know, I Frankenstein burst into the lab where Bill Nihi and the scientist Mr. There, and Bill Nahihe gracefully bows out and let a stuntman come in. He's just like, thanks,

thanks, but no thanks for me. That's a wrap on Bill Nye everybody. He's just he's going to look like a weird demonic goathead for the rest of the movie, so we're getting Bill in there. Not Bill Nihi, Bill Stevenson, the stunt double. We understand how this could be confusing for everyone. Get in there, Bill. Not you, Bill, other bill.

Oh, this was a confusing idea. And then, yeah, this goat face motherfucker just gets in there. He starts like giving him shit for not having a soul. And he's talking about like, you know, I'm going to set up shot. I'm going to set up a cool demon in your body and it's going to be great. And, you know, we're going to make all the I Frankensteins, march all over the world and blah, blah, blah.

And Adam has the greatest line of all, which is the gargoyle order must survive and mankind with it. That was something someone was paid to say. And you know what? honestly why is there no room for demons in the situation why do the gargoyles have to win they're just as ugly well yeah why not just mankind how about mankind shows up at the end of the movies

like there's there's men soldiers too yeah and they turn and they kill the gargoyles and it's like enough of this paranormal shit yeah the ghostbusters show up that would be great that's it turns out in all this time like let's say this movie takes place in like

yeah 2135 right the ghostbusters have been building up their own ghostbuster army for just such an occasion right so it was like the four original ghostbusters started it all right but they've been recruiting and recruiting and recruiting there's like ghostbuster rotc like it's the real deal right four star general zedemore finally by the way yeah dude and then yeah the ghostbuster army just comes in and lays waste to all those demons 400 guys have the same wise crack at the same time and then credits man wins over both sides of these monsters there's a deafening I love this town a cacophony of I love this

town dude I love this town is the Heil Hitler of the Ghostbuster Army you just say I love this town how are we doing today everybody I love this town good to hear you're right it's it's national

Alism akin to the national socialists. That is my report, Herr General. I love this town. Over and out. Well, glad to hear things were going so well. I got to I love this town. Ah, so then, whatever, Bill Nye, he's fighting with him for a little bit. He's trying to do a little Kalima Shakti Day on him. He's got his...

No, and then this... Let me tell you something. All of a sudden, we're casting spells in this movie? I don't think so. It's too late. It's way too late. All of our magic is predicated on electric eels. and force lightning. And kung fu. And a lot of kung fu. Magic

wand sticks. But at no point has anyone ever Kalimaz Shakti Day and cast a spell. You can't introduce spell casting in the last 15 minutes of a movie. But then we get like literally, and it's my favorite thing that Aaron Eckhart does, which is scream like an idiot. Dude, I wrote down his

scream in this movie and in Dark Night. He's got the most hilarious scream. But it's like eight minutes of it because they keep cutting back to Miranda Otto, like, breaking all the little eye Frankensteins downstairs. They keep cutting back to him, and they're going, ah! Dude, the sound of Aaron Eckhart getting his ass kicked is one of my

favorite sounds of, like, some people will tell you like, oh, I don't know, church bells. You know, I'm like... Birds in the morning. Yeah, right? Like, give me a loop of Aaron Eckhart screaming like an idiot in this movie. M-Wha. Oh, it's the

best. Yeah. So, that's we find out, oh, my God, he had a soul the whole time, and Bill Knight, he's like, no. And he kills him. And Bill Nye, he's, whenever, you know, you get killed as a bad guy, you do a little loop to loop and go down right to hell. But Bill Nye, he's a prince of hell, right? So this is going to be

a big, fat loop to loop, right? He also kills him by cutting the Greek Orthodox cross into his body. Oh, that's right. That's how he gets murdered, because he's got like three scratches across his chest. And then I, Frankenstein's, oh, yeah

boop just like scratches him down the chest and then I mean he dies so

hard he destroys a castle like he explodes so bad after this loop to loop

an entire castle falls into the ground because there's four loop to loops apparently

he had four souls the whole time yeah I really don't understand

how this villain works he's a quad soul and the the

the the little I have Frankenstein doctor down there. By the way, sent up a little sequel Kevin Garrow is because he takes a flash drive before he skips down. Oh, does he? I missed that. He's got all his little spells on there. God, I didn't notice that.

That's really terrible. I wish I didn't know that. There's some bad and it's with Bill Nighy. It's with all of these demons. When they do like a demons get an angry thing and like they want to show that they're demons, they do like little red lights in their eyes.

that's some of the worst like MS paint special effects of all time it's just it never looks good because all you're doing is working on a real person you're not putting contacts in you're just like shading the colors of their eyes yeah so this whole thing happens a castle collapses on these people it's one of the biggest computer explosions i've ever seen and somehow like the blues brothers you just dust yourself off seriously like miranda auto like flies out of this hole with i frankenstein's and the scientist just like hanging on. No way. Maybe I Frankenstein, because he's a monster and who knows what it takes to kill him, but that woman is dust. I'm sorry. Like a nuclear bomb went off.

That lady's done. She brings out an arm. That's all I could find. Maybe she dies, and all of a sudden, uh-oh, she Frankenstein. You know what I mean? That's what it should have been. Dude, resurrect her.

That's your teaser for the ending. That's your teaser for the next movie. It's I lady of Frankenstein. Exactly. Right. Or I bride of Frankenstein, for instance, if she accepts. I'm hoping. I want to see a scene where I Frankenstein's popping the eye question, and it is I turned down.

I mean, but you're pretty obligated if somebody resurrects you, though. That's the problem with resurrecting somebody. When you're not in a committed relationship, it's kind of a shitty move. You know, Adam, I would, but it's eternity now. Also, I just met you. I met this wolf man, and he's pretty cool. Oh, yeah, dude, a wolfman and a Hawaiian shirt. Oh, man, it would be a big fat party animal, wolfman.

Oh, that would boil his blood. It would. His dead blood. That's what I want this year. We've had a Dracula movie, a Frankenstein movie. Let's get a big fat party animal wolfman. Let's get Kevin James as the wolfman. I would watch it.

I would totally watch it. By the way, the guy playing that evil devil scientist, is what's his face? It's a New Zealand actor Bruce Spence Oh The dude from Road Warrior

And he's in like He's in Girocaptin Yeah yeah that guy That's the devil scientist In this movie Oh man I wish I was That's what you said Set up for a big role

When he takes that flash drive With all the you know All the torrented souls on there Can't believe more people Weren't Seaden Could have had so many more souls if there went so many leeches. It's ridiculous.

And then at the end... This soul was a 7 out of 10. The quality could have been a little bit better. Ah, no, this soul was Pernau the whole time. Oh, shit, this soul's just a cam file. That was an Academy Award screen at. Oh, shit, this soul's got a watermark on it. Damn.

It's got a big monkey on it. man so they mentioned something about how he's got he must have some higher purpose not explained at all no we are it's not mario brother's bad but we are setting up a sequel at the end of this movie well that's the thing to you you were waiting for kate beckinsel to show like suit up by frankenstein i frankenstein yeah you wouldn't believe this right yeah you're not going to believe this no that's what it is right she rushes in and she's like we got to get out of here and he goes why and then he just hear and he looks up and it's a full moon

I frank and credits party animal's out there he got to murder him I'm gonna go murder this party animal they ended up him and what's her name Salina Selina Celine I think they end up murdering him with a like a speedball

like a silver speedball he has the trick to murdering a party animal werewolf is you got a party harder than him. Yeah, totally. But that's a thing, that's a great thing about being a night. Frankenstein, dude, you got no blood? You could go all fucking night long. That's true.

He could out party, a party monster werewolf. See, the werewolf can die. He cannot die. Advantage Frankenstein. Exactly. He could always go to one more bar. Even though the wolf fans are just like, oh man, I don't know about this one, Frankenstein. I just,

I was kind of fallen asleep with that last part. No man. We go to one more bar down the street. So he's got this big speech at the end. It's a big voiceover speech. I, descendant of the demon horde. I, my father's son. Oh, God.

I, Frankenstein. Lightning crack. Queue monster match. Yeah, seriously. Dude, it's so stupid. The beginning of that is something about like, I'll be here for when the forces of darkness return. And I was like, well, wait, didn't she just vanquished?

I thought, All right, I guess there's more villainy. I guess that's the reason you don't put Satan in your first movie. You don't put the car before the horse, all right? Like I kept telling you, Satan was supposed to appear in the third film of the trilogy. Also portrayed by Bill Nihy with a mustache. Possibly portrayed by me, Kevin DeRue, with a bigger mustache. And some horns.

Man, this movie stinks. Is anyone going to recommend this to someone? Is this a seeing-is-believing situation? No, I mean, it's just, honestly, if you've seen a bad action movie from the last 10 years, you really, if you've seen one of the ghostwriters, if you've seen one of the later Blade movies, you've got it. You really got it all. If you saw the Blade TV show, that's pretty close, starring Sticky Fingas as Blade.

That's a thing. Sure. You could watch that instead of I, Frankenstein. I guess you could. Would you, Eric, would you recommend? Because that was a no from Steve. It's a big no. Okay.

So you're a no and you're you paid big money to see this. That's right. I was a big money Russell paying for this one. I would not recommend this. Uh-huh. Because of reasons cited within. I'm saying no. That's the point.

Very good. I would not recommend it either. This is an incredibly stupid movie. Yeah. It's kind of. hard to follow too. It honestly is hard to follow. Even if you're paying attention to it, it's hard to follow. I mean, because it's so

ill-defined. Like, why would gargoyles and demons fight each other? Like, you know, that never... You know, I just don't make up gargoyles. Make them angels and we're fine. Exactly. The fact that it's gargoyles is what sinks this movie. Because every time you say gargoyle... And everything else.

Every time you say gargoyle, you lose three seconds of my attention because I'm like, man, that's stupid. It's just... It's like when you're listening to like an audio book on the train and someone's talking too loud you're like, I gotta rewind that. Yeah, I keep missing it. I think I got it. Maybe when an angel gets its wings, it just turns into

a gargoyle. It's like God is like a monkey's paw. It's everything's going to be like a twisted. Clarence, you got your wings. Oh no, you're a monstrous gargoyle. You know what, Clarence? Please don't visit me at Christmas anymore. You're horrifying.

My whole family. Why, you're dressed like a Roman centurion? Oh, fuck it. That's Ive Frankenstein from the past year 2014, directed by Stuart Beatty. If you want to get a hold of us or find out more information about We Hate Movies, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook. We're Facebook.com slash we hate movies.

And follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast and right into the mailbag. What? And are you on Reddit? I just want to get people know about the Reddit page. That's fine. Go ahead. It's We Hate Movies.

word uh-huh and there you go what so what they search we hate movies uh it's uh slash r slash we hate movies so it's a subreddit that's right as we hate movies there you get we're we're on there mostly eric and i uh right into the mailbag we all hit movies at gmail dot com we'll be doing the january mailbag episode pretty soon right in with some of uh what you perceive to be the biggest stinkers of 2014 also pick up our latest commentary track which is a commentary track which is a commentary to the terrible film Sucker Punch, which is the Sucker Punchmentary. You can pick it up wherever you purchase

digital music. What is a worst movie, I Frankenstein, or Sucker Punch? Sucker Punch. Yeah, I'm going to go with Sucker Punch. Sucker Punch is worse, right? So theoretically then we would all watch I Frankenstein again before watching Sucker Punch? If I have to, yeah.

All right, Steve, listen, I got a gun to your head. Kevin Geroa is in your house. He's got your girlfriend. that the Kevin Garrow is coming from within your home. Yes, I am. To answer that question,

I would watch I Frankenstein over Sucker Punch because at least I Frankenstein is a cool 90 minutes. Yes, it is. Yeah, you're damn right. That's a cool 90 minutes. Well, an uncool 90 minutes.

You can say a lot of things about my script, but they're brief. I get in and I get out. Maybe the comic book makes more sense. I'm sure it does. That's true. I should pick it up and check it out. I did look at the picture of the comic FYI.

Just all I saw was he is a gorgeous. He's a green and black, regular Frankenstein monster. Yeah. And he's got a gun. Oh, God, I needed a gun. God damn. I could have had guns. I could have had goddamn guns in this movie.

And he's got gun caught us. Firecracker sticks instead? No thanks. Missed opportunity. Yeah. Well, this wasn't my vision at all. They really took this movie away from me. At least I got to play the head honcho goblin.

All right, clue for next week's episode, Eric Siska. Old New York. Old New York. Oh, that could be any number of things. Think back over the year, folks. Old New York from 2014. Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska.

Stephen Say that. Take it easy. Thank you.