We Hate Movies - S5 Ep186: Winter's Tale

Episode Date: January 13, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang tackles what Andrew swears is "one of the worst films" he's ever seen. It's the magical, flying horse, angry demon epic, Winter's Tale! How is someone sneaking into the attic of Grand Central Terminal in 2014? Why did the horse's wings have to look that terrible? And who on Earth taught Russell Crowe that Irish accent? PLUS: Peter Falk criticizes other people's decisions. DOUBLE PLUS: Eric proposes a new Olympic event! Winter's Tale stars Jessica Brown Findlay, Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe, William Hurt, Graham Greene, Jennifer Connelly and... Will Smith; directed by Akiva Goldsman. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. program. This is the second week of our worst of 2014 month.

Last week for maximum enjoyment, be sure to go back and check out Eye Frankenstein. Right. That was a real horror show. Yeah. Not good. To piggyback off of that conversation, my voice, Eric Siska, and now we got Chris Cabin of the show. I'm here now. I can now, I can now say that this is indeed my voice and not that of Steve's Andrews or Eric's. Yeah. And we tape this show. in the northeastern United States so there might be some

similarities to pitch and dialect accents if you will we're all from relatively the same location yeah that fat flemy sound I've been drinking a lot of wine this evening so it's flammier than usual

ate a lot of pasta before we went on the air oh me too because we had like a lot of leftover spaghetti I mean we're all fat flimmy guys you gotta eat the pasta if you're going to be a fat flammie guy it was one of those things where I was like oh it's leftover spaghetti and I filled up a bowl

and I was like well now there's just a little bit of leftover spaghetti might as well finish it all. Top or off. That's not enough to save. The old reasoning of that's not enough to save gets you every time. That's not enough for lunch please. You know there are children

starving down the street. We should eat this. Oh I can't throw this out. There's still some sausage in it. Etcetera. So we are here today to talk about I'm confident in saying this one of the worst movies and I know I know it's going to sound hyperbolic

because we say it all the time this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life Absolutely It's from last year of course Winter's Tale Directed by screenwriter Akiva Goldsman This is the movie If You've forgotten already

Where Colin Farrell Has a magic horse Yes And I mean, that's really just the footnote of it. I know, but on the other hand, it's all you need to know. Like, listen, if you're, if I was trying to sell you. Well, like, so Chris, this was your pick. Yeah.

So you were like, guys, this is a really shitty movie. And, you know, usually that's fine enough. So, okay. I'm watching it last night. If you had just said to me like, hey, man, here's a movie where Colin Farrell has a magic flying horse. and talks to it, like, rat-a-tat-tat-style sometimes. Oh, he's just tickety-tack talking to this horse, man. And, you know, I would have been like, wow, you sold me on that right there.

Like, that's a selling point. I mean, he's talking to a horse that flies with magic, like, rainbow-colored fairy wings. But, like, not even actual, like, the reflection of wing, because we're all talking about the light and how the light touches things. And who could give a shit. Well, because we got to give a shit, first of all. because we are all made of stars. And once you die, a miracle happens where you become a star in the sky

and then eventually your own earth can go around you where it has little people of its own that then also becomes stars. I mean, here's the thing, Eric, is it your miracle or is it my miracle? You better distinguish whose miracle it is because otherwise stuff gets pretty complicated. I think it might be Akiva Goldsman's.

I don't know. You know what the miracle is, that this movie got made and put out to human beings to watch. What? What did he have on these people? I don't. I mean, like murders, pedophilia, like just everything.

These people must have some dirty shit to accept this. What you're saying, what your point is, is that there's a lot of big stars in this very bad movie. So we have Colin Farrell. Well, these are all big, most of these are big stars on their way out, basically. They're on the decline.

Well, you got Colin Farrell, who he's done is fair share of shit so that's fine yeah russell crow you know he had a movie with darren aronovsky this year but which was also my opinion not very good but he's he's done different opinions are we hate movies he's done like 50 50 like good and bad yeah Russell crow right so then you have um uh lady sybil from downton what's her name oh i forget oh ladies yeah that's her name I just know as Lady Sybil. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so Lady Sybil, you know, so she's trying to start a movie career. Yeah, I mean, good for her.

Good for her. You got to start somewhere. Shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be here. You know, take a look at a note like someone like Dan Stevens. Dan Stevens was in the guest this year. I mean, he was. Bad-ass movie. One of the best movies of the year.

It made my list. It's out now on Blu-ray and everything. So you guys. See that movie. Yeah, you have to see that movie. He was also in the third night of the museum movie. So, you know, take what you can get. But also.

So that's money. That is money. This is not money. You don't think this, well, yeah, I guess not. There's just a lot of green screen in this movie. Well, yeah, I mean, it's shot on digital, and it looks like garbage. Yeah. But also, yeah, and the graphics are horrendous.

You got John Hurt, or William Hurt, rather. William Ritz. Which, yeah, I guess he's slumming it in this movie. Big time, I would say. As Lady Sibble's father. Who are the other heavy hitters in this movie? Well, I mean, I don't want to. Oh, well, you know.

what? Yeah. We got to save more. Let's build it up. Yeah. That one. My head almost fell off. Okay. So, yes. As Eric movie, as Eric movie, as Eric was saying about the movie. That's going to be my stage name. I'm Eric movie. No one could figure out Cisco, so it's Eric movie. You're reading for the shape of things. I'm for it, man. Let's do it. Yeah. The movie starts with Lady Sybil's doing a narration. basically posits, what if all angels were stars or some horse shit? It's like if you become an angel, like if you shed your wings, your wing dust magic garbage becomes the stars. Man, this shit just doesn't make sense. So when God killed all the

angels, yeah, as he's known to do. Because back then it was just heaven, right? And then God got all pissy at the angels and he killed them all and then outer space was born. I guess that is what we're like to believe about where we're at here. Well that was the thing with this movie. I couldn't tell. Does this qualify

as a religious movie? Like is this a Christian film or is this like a more of like a bullshit vague spiritual thing? I think it's like a fairy tale. It's more of a fairy tale because like they are we are talking about because like well we'll get to the judge um and you know and he's and he's referred to as lou at one point

man it just all sucks so hard all different kinds of sucks like hard like hard sucks quiet sucks well this is something that's i think it's happening more and more with movies where we don't we want to put everything every kind of of genre, every kind of stereotype that, for movies that everybody likes into one movie, we don't really care about the tone, we don't really care what it looks like, we don't really care about anything like, we just

want to put a lot of things that people like into it, and so they can grab onto those little tiny things. Right. So it's just a mishmash. So the Christian stuff is in there, but they're careful not to go too far with it as to not alienate a normal viewer who just wants to watch a

fucking movie and not be preached to. Right. I mean, it's not a very preachy movie, but I guess Like, if you're someone who loves angels, which I always think about the Carlin bit, what is all this shit about angels? That's all I can think about during this movie. What are you fucking stupid? Yeah.

Like, I guess if that's the case, then you can choose to see that in this movie. Yeah. I choose to think about George Carlin bits instead. Sure. I go the same way. So, you know, there's some Ellis Island parents. They've got a baby.

White collar is the father. Oh, yeah. Bomer. Again, somebody making, like, you were a Magic Mike, man. Solid choice. He's in, uh, what was the, um, the, uh, the, uh, Taylor Kitch, the HBO movie, uh, Oh, the normal heart. Normal heart. He's pretty good in that. Oh, what a devastating motion picture that was. You're not going to work the next day after you watch that one. A cold cup of coffee and cigarette for you. I didn't see this. Now, is this like someone gets a sad disease or something? The saddest of disease. HIV. I honestly.

said that not knowing what it was about. I'm serious. Yeah, it's an adaptation of the Larry Kramer play, you know, about the AIDS epidemic. HBO puts out an AIDS movie every year. They actually kind of do. You're actually not wrong. Like every other year

at least. Well, because what was last year? I forget. Well, I guess if technically last year was normal hard, 24th. So they just got to get one on the books. But there was what, like Angels in America? That was 2003. That was a while. Yeah, that was a while. That was like yesterday to me.

This is all these goddamn AIDS movies every year. It's getting bombarded with AIDS movies. Eric Siska. Is there AIDS and Olive Kittrich? No, probably not. Eric apologized. It was actually Eric movie talking. Yes.

So, yeah, Matt Bowmer and his wife bring a baby to Ellis Island. And Matt Bowmer's character has, you know, bronchitis or not bronchitis, something much worse. It's like some sort of some sort. a pulmonary, something or other. Consumption. Yeah, it's what they keep calling it. Well, no, he has the pulmonary because the girl has consumption. He has like a pulmonary disease. But didn't it like his parents had something too, right?

Well, no, the parents have a pulmonary. He doesn't have anything. All right. Yeah, Colin Farrell's fine. Right. He's clean bill of health. Right. So they say like, oh, can we just leave the baby here? They're getting turned away. Yeah. And the guy's like, no, you know, get back on the boat. So they steal a model ship that's inside this immigrant boat.

Which, okay, whatever. There's like, like, he sneaks into this gorgeous ship room, like a state room. Yeah, like the outside of this is like a grody Russian immigrant ship. But then on the inside, there's this beautiful state room, like one of the nicest rooms of the Titanic. It's like Jean-Lucacards coming around the corner in this room. Finished mahogany on the side. Oh, say, Mr. Data, you noticed my mortal boats, did you? That's of the pinafore.

oh yeah you know what jean luke picard loves the hMS pitiful yeah it's kind of weird how much gilbert and sullivan for life um so they that tattooed on his on the back of his head yeah so they got uh they take this boat they hollow out part of it like they cut out part of this nice model ship and then stuff this baby in it and then just like dump it back into new york harbor like best of luck baby whatever either drowned or shrug and then it's just it's nothing cut to whatever 30 years later however old Colin Farrell's supposed to be yeah in most of his movie I mean he returns out he's ageless well not just yet he's not yeah but he's too old

I will point that out he's too old what I feel like this movie could have been done like we'll get into it but it feels kind of like a you know it's like a fantasy fairytale I thought maybe like and also the way some of the dialogue is with him and the love story and it's like oh I never loved

anyone like this before he should have been like 17 yeah it is kind of like a Romeo and Juliet type thing or like a Huck Finn thing or something or Tom Sawyer like this shouldn't be

a 45 year old man going on I never loved like this before he is supposedly 38 years old. I don't know that I buy that, but that's his IMDB age. And Lady Sybill's like 24 when this movie's getting made. So when that

raunchtacular sex scenes happening later on, I was like, e'illetcherous Colin Farrell. Gross. So he, I guess, lives in Grand Central Station in the attic, question mark. Well, I mean, I thought he was a

terrorist at first. I mean, you're breaking into the attic of the Grand Central Station. Apparently nobody's stop. You're not Hugo. Dude, I was thinking a lot about Hugo and it's like if this was a sequel to Hugo like he emigrates to the United States and then just starts

living in Grand Central and then like he's just grown up still living in a train station. And Ben Kings is just teaching him stuff. Yeah, totally why not? Sasha Cohen still chasing after him. Sure. It would be a better movie. Oh my God.

Well, that's like I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If you base something in 2014, and a person is just, like, sneaking up into the rafters of the fucking Grand Central Station, where I see the most military people in all of New York City. Oh, yeah. I see the most there. And I'm counting LaGuardia. Listen, you know, folks, you know, coming to tour at NYC, if you want to see machine guns up close and personal, come to Grand Central Terminal. Yeah. come to Grand Central Terminal

because they're just everywhere. The very best machine guns. You know, Penn Station's got some good machine guns too now. I mean, I don't want to sell it short. Those are more automatic rifles. I feel like they actually have machine guns in that. Well, yeah, so it is impossible that he's living in Grand Central Station in 2014. But back in 1914, where we're at, or 1917, 16, thank you.

So he's living there then, too. What a coward, man. The war's on, right? So he's living up there. He's a thief, basically, is the deal. He's like a grown-up, artful dodger. But he's tired of it. He doesn't really...

He's tired of the life. April 6th, 1917. Okay. So the U.S. was not involved yet. But honestly, we're in the middle of a fucking polio epidemic. What are you saying? Like, he should have had better things to do. Yeah.

I mean, just get out of town. like you go to a place where it's not like so easy like well what's weird about this movie is it never leaves new york city and the feeling that i get is like it's the world of grand theft auto like all that world is is that one city yeah because they're always talking about like oh if i can get to the edge of the city maybe i can get out of here and like every time someone tries to leave new york there's like a barrier or like something happens and they get pulled back in. There's some vague, again, we'll get to the judge, but the judge and God have an agreement. You can't go north of the city because that's God's territory. That's God's country. Oh, yeah, right there.

That's, I mean, that's the thing. It's like, you just can't do it. And, like, Russell Crowe really wants it because he wants to butcher this kid. Right. But, yeah, you can't go. It is mostly in New York. It's almost all in New York. You're doing this, too.

This kid. Now, this is why it should be played by a child. Because also, Colin Farrell is running away from Russell Crow. Right. When we're introduced to Colin Farrell, he's running away from Russell Crow. Playing Pearly. Pearly, who's like this leprechaun gangster? Dude, it is a heart-titty-tare Irish accent.

Like, it is horrendous. It's so bad. Apparently, this guy raised this immigrant boy that is. played by 38 plus-year-old Colin Farrell. Yes. And he's running away from his stepdaddy at the start of the movie. Right. And so there's some sort of, like, he's at, Russell Crowe's a crime boss.

So it's like, I guess maybe he told him, like, I don't want to do this anymore. I think he might also owe him money. He just doesn't want to do it in. He just is done with it. And he's like, nobody quits. Tar-t-t-t-t-ar. Hard, hard, hard, hard. It's so bad.

Where's Midlucky Charmed? It's so bad. What you think Chris is doing right now? It's actually, he's playing it down compared to what it actually is. I was trying to be a little bit more respectful, you know, to my Irish brethren. It's so bad. It is so ridiculous. But that was the funny thing was because when I was hearing Colin Farrell talk in the movie, I was like, oh, okay, they're letting him use his accent.

That's fine. And then at one point, he's telling Lady Sybil, like. Well, he's Australian, right? Colin Farrell? No, he's Irish. Oh, no, I was confusing the two. Russell Crow is Australia. But so Colin Farrell is just using his regular voice. And I was like, oh, that's weird because he was dropped in New York Harbor.

That is weird. And he's talking about how he was raised. He was raised in Brooklyn. But he was raised by Pearlie, who's like a leprechaun from the space. They don't tell you that, though, until like an hour into this movie. Yeah. Because finally Russell Crow is like, oh, yeah, I raised him. tar to te tar and you're just like oh wait what you did oh that's why so it's like because

colin farrell wanted to use his real accent russell crow had to do a shitty one because they had to somehow explain how an orphan that was brought up in brooklyn has an irish accent that's the lengths we're going to and i mean i don't know what the accent is exactly that uh bomber is doing in the beginning it certainly isn't irish they're russian they're russians okay because on On the ship that you see... Oh, it's... There's Cyrillic all over. Yeah, that makes sense.

They're Russian immigrants. Because I just thought, I mean, those like vague European again. So he's playing a Russian who grew up in Brooklyn to speak Irish. Raised by an Irishman. That's how silly we're getting here.

That was the thing that I was thinking, like, why would you do that? Like, Colin Farrell isn't the best at covering up his accent, but I'm so used to it at this point that that's fine. If you want to make Russell Crow, use his accent

there's an Australian gangster in Brooklyn. I don't know. Fine. Whatever. That sounds like a lot of fun. That sounds like a crocodile d-esque adventure. I mean, as far as accents go, I mean, Warwick Davis does fucking circles around him. Like, as the leprecha

I was going to say, as yes, as the leprechaun, he does like circles. I thought you meant as wicket. Or as willow. So, So as he's running away from Russell Crow, he's like, man, how am I going to get out of this jam? I sure wish I had like a car or something that I could get out of here. Oh, oh, what's this?

Oh, a majestic, magical white horse seeming to appear out of nowhere. Well, how about that? And then this horse bows to him. And I was like, oh, wait, it's a magic horse. And then this movie just takes off. Like, he is calling this horse, horse. Yeah. Like, hey, horse, get over here, horse, horse, horse, horse.

What do you want? Now, you said in the book, Chris, that you hear the horse's inner monologue. You can tell, like, you can, the book begins with them, like, talking about the horse and the horse is thinking, and you know the horse's thoughts. It's not necessarily talking. It's third person narration. Yeah, so you can, you can hear that the horse has thoughts and is thinking about this. things and it is it is indeed a guardian angel for this idiot right it's uh it's thinking about hey yeah now is this movie better or worse if you hear the horse's thoughts i mean better because

like i imagine the horse is just like uh uh fine what what do you want me to fly now i would say it all rests on who you get to voice that horse right If you get Danny DeVito to voice that horse, that's probably going to be pretty bad. But maybe you just get, like, I mean, let's stick with Irish people. If you get Liam Neeson to voice that horse. Oh, I would believe it. Right? Yeah.

He's just like, you're going to break into that house. Hey, hey, Colin Farrell, you're going to break into that house, Peter. What's his name, Peter or something? Peter Lake. Hey, Peter Lake, you've got to break into that house, Peter Lake. You know, but you know who you have to get is Bremen and Gleafin. Oh, yeah. Big old, like, yeah.

Yeah, you want that friendly voice. Beryl-chested, Brendan Gleason, voice on a horse. You nailed it. Yeah. That would make this movie better. So, just of it, long story short, Russell Crow is trying to have him murdered. Colin Farrell is trying to do one last, like,

round of robberies to work up, you know, enough cash flow to then take him in a horse out of town, get out of the business. Which, did we mention that the horse, then, like, he gets on the horse. Oh. It flies over this. to elude pearly and his henchman.

Yeah, the horse. Yeah, they're just black coat mobsters. The horse, it's not so much flying as it is a Mario super jump. Yeah. It super jumps over this fence. Because it does fly eventually, but it's working up to it. That's kind of the climaxes of the fly. Listen, you've got a flying horse in your movie, man.

You want to keep that secret for as long as you can. You don't want that to be like the first 10 minutes of your movie. And can we talk, holy, because if you've ever complained about a J.J. Abrams movie, get ready for the flares of the century. Oh, man. Oh, it's everywhere. Everywhere. Every shot. Because they use lens flares and other, like, shiny things to signify, like, when magic is happening.

And let me tell you guys. Which is always. It's a pretty magical movie. There, it's a flare fest, man. It's all over this. movie. And it just hurts your eyes. I'm like like J.J. Abrams does it once or twice. Like it's not crazy. I rewatched in the darkness recently because I just got the Blu-ray. Yeah. And yeah, it's there. Whatever. Yeah. In this movie, it's everywhere. It's

everywhere. Just when you think you have a shot without a lens flare in it, something flares up. Every time that happens. And it's like even when like if there's like a candelabra somewhere. Oh, yeah. It's just for the hell of it. It's so stupid. got to get behind it. I guess. You just have to accept it all, I guess. Yeah, behind the candlelabra. Oh, hey, there's your last year, HBO AIDS movie.

Right. There we go. So he goes out of this one final burgle spree with horse, right? And they're in Central Park. And he's like, oh, horse, what a haul we have. Let's get out to the five boroughs. And horse refuses to move. Yeah.

And horse is just looking straight on at this townhouse. And he's like, no. horse you're getting greedy man like that's a greedy ass horse I'm not you know the sun's coming up one last job yeah and it's seriously the horse is like no no no one last job before we leave town you got to do it look

you can find hay pretty easily but you can't find oats very easily and I'm an oat horse as it turns out so you're going to have to go in there get some fucking money yeah see we were missing so much from the book dude I want to do

I want to do two commentaries to this movie a regular commentary and then a commentary where we just do what the horse is thinking right man wow I really want to do this new um so we've we've been set up with the with the idea

that um lady sybil you know she's got consumption she's going to bite the bullet pretty soon she's going to bite the big one and I did not know what that was and I went to the Wikipedia page of Winter's Tale and you click on consumption and it takes you to the yeah tuberculosis yeah so there you go so she's you know filling everyone in at home

she's uh you know she's got the fever and whatnot she does a lot of sleeping out on their roof right the winter i guess is the idea this impossible tent up yeah it's like the schmigel tent from the south street seaport yeah wow nice yeah it's a very local reference you're totally right though it's a huge tent and she just lives in it she's got like a watering hole out on the roof like to she gets in like cold water and goes in cold environments to like lower her fever and stuff yeah because she's constantly sweating and constantly sick and constantly has this fever and is basically dying and of course he sees fresh prey yeah well what's amazing is when we're set up with this whole thing her father is william hurt and they set up

Like, the family is going a little bit upstate. They're going to the lake for the weekend, right? And they're like, okay. The Peter Lake. So you know, God damn it. So you know, like, okay, oh, house is going to be empty. Colin Farrell's going to come burgle it. Oh, right?

But then they're like, like, Lady Sybil's like, hey, everyone's going up to the lake today. But I'm going to go up tomorrow. And I was like, oh, that's weird. So we cut to, like, Colin Farrell, he's outside the house. We're inside this townhouse and she's like having a hard time. And I was thinking like, did they purposely leave a day early hoping that she might just die alone and they'd be like, oh, she didn't get here. Guess she finally died. Yeah, I think that's what's happening.

Why would you, if you know your daughter is like near death from consumption and she's getting these fevers and she's doing poorly. Why would you leave her home alone to deal with that while you go up to your lakehouse? And it's not like she has a doctor's appointment or anything. No. I'm going to hang out. I want the house to myself for a day. Exactly. It makes no sense other than she's the only one in this house when Colin Farrell comes to burgle.

I guess because she wants to walk around naked for one day. Yeah. One day in that beautiful mansion. She didn't get to do it before. Right. So. That's the bucket list. Yeah, I think that's it.

Walk around the house, nude. She's checking. I mean, she's getting towards the end of that list, BT Dubs. Right. But for the time, walking around the house nude, you may laugh now because you're probably listening to this walking around the house nude. But in 1960, they'd stone you to death for that. Oh, easily.

In 1960? 16. Oh, 16. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You never know? Especially if you're a lady, there were a lot of stricter laws about ladies.

And I mean, William Hartz, like, a New York City philanthropist. Yeah. He's got an iron fist in that house. He's a, he's a fat cat, man. He's got some dough on him. So he's burgling this house. She's there

walking around naked out on the roof or whatever's going on. He's got a pretty sweet Batman, uh, what is with this grappling hook? Like they show, it's a shot of like this patio or this balcony or whatever. And then all of a sudden a grappling hook comes up. I was like,

Come on. Just have him pick the lock on the back door. The sun is up also. It's totally the morning at this point. And he's Batmaning up the side of this Manhattan townhouse. Broad daylight. Yeah, it's like right next to F.A.O. Schwartz. It's like a tall building.

You can't throw that far. No, you can't. Do you think the horse helped him throw that? Yeah. Maybe the horse wings. I got it. Hold on. I gave him him out.

And then I'm going up. One, two, three. See, if they had revealed at this point that the horse could fly, just kind of flutter your wings a little bit and fly him up to that terrace. Right, yeah. Lazy-ass horse. He wants him to burglarize things,

but he doesn't want to help out with it. Right. That's a bad crime partner. Yeah, he's always there for when you're talking about the money. The horse is just like, oh, I'm just a getaway man. But we split that shit two ways.

Look, I came up with the plane. You're enacting it. I get it, but I figured it all out. On the brains. I cased the jury. for crying out loud. So she catches him because he steps on a squeaky floorboard.

But he's also like so entranced with her. She's just like, oh, there's a beautiful lady there. Yeah, he's kind of just staring at her while she manically plays the piano. Which is Brahms. Broms. Which recently famously in there will be blood, I believe. Towards the end.

I think you're right on that. I mean, it's not a piano in that composition. I mean, my classical music knowledge is... I don't know. It just reminded me. me of it and I was like, oh, to be back with Daniel Plainview to not be watching

this movie. Instead of Peter Lake. Yes. Yeah, I would love to see Pearlie versus Plainview. Oh, fuck yeah. Plainview would take him to task. Oh, yeah. He would drink his soul. Rip his head off, drink the blood and then just

like play with the brains just for the fuck of it. So they meet and it's like love it for sight. They have like, a gigantically long horse shit conversation about nothing and everything all at once. Who could be listening? And that's most of the movie.

Yep. It's just them talking about nonsense. Jibberish. Just silly words. Just baby gibberish. About the stars and the wings and the light. And miracles. So dumb.

And that's because, now see, this is when I'm like, these characters should be younger. Yeah. Because I could see like a teenager. Being stupid. waxing whimsical, if you will. But to see

an aged old man doing this. Yeah, it's pretty silly. A perched on Alzheimer's. Yeah, I mean, it's Yeah, I mean, it just, it makes no sense. And you wonder exactly, because also you'll notice there's a lot of like weird angles, like when the second time the horse flies,

they have like a weird close shot on the horse's Neck. Because I don't think they had the money to show the wings again. Either that or it's just a poorly made movie. That's also possible. But like also when we'll get to it, but when when Pearly slits that poor kid's throat. Oh yeah. You don't actually see the throat getting slit. It's just like him going up, making the movement and then bloods somewhere. Right. Well, it's, yeah, it's insanely cheap with bad special effects. Again, don't make these.

kinds of movies if you don't have the money for it. I, Frankenstein, looking at you. Or just like, plan your shot better. Know how to direct a movie, I guess is the idea. I mean, this is, I think it's one of the first things he's ever directed. He's a screenwriter. I think it is his first, I think it's his debut, actually. There are a lot of directors that tried to make this movie, including Martin Scorsese. Yeah. Who own the rights to this book for quite some time. The book is huge. The book, it was, it's, I think it's considered one of the best American books of the 80s by by like a long shot really yeah it's it's it's a great book but it's a hard one to you can't it's

really hard to do this book i would think so we go back to russell crow and at some point here this is the scene that you were talking about he goes into like some sort of restaurant and everyone's like clearing their table like offering it up to him you know he's a real hot shot kind of guy right and they're like all right here's the deal like we're looking for people Peter Lake, he escaped and we're going to kill him, blah, blah, blah. And then he, like, orders some impossible dish. Eating, like, well, no, he's eating a bunch of oysters. Yes.

Like oysters upon oysters. Yeah, I could do that, too. I mean, I could, yeah, maybe. And, you know, it used to be called the big oyster before the big apple. That's true. But then we polluted every waterway we had. Yeah. And then he wants a, the dish he asks for is a butterflyed bald eagle.

and he's like giving instructions about how to make it and this not the other thing and this waiter is like hey asshole you know i'm not serving a bald eagle tonight that's not happening and this is where we learn that russell crow not only is his character pearly a bad guy and like a villain and a hoodlum he's also a demon welcome back to demon month on we hate movies what the hell surprise his demonic shit in this movie did not see it coming i didn't either it's his scar starts glowing and he's just like he gets like full irish and that's when it's like he gets like really bad acne for a minute and then his face just kind of opens yeah and like he yells at this waiter and then just murders him and i was like oh no demon movie and then he goes he does like a jackson pollock he just like is in a fugue state Oh, yeah. And he's just painting this shit. He paints like a portrait of what turns out to be Lady Sybil. I'm like, you think it's Lady Sybil.

Well, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, with the blood, right? He's like scribbling on the tablecloth. He draws like a girl with red hair. But like, if you, like, there's a shot later where you do understand how it could be. But the first shot where you see this thing, it's a red circle. and another red circle with a red line coming out of it. You're painting with red. You're not going to get a blonde lady.

You're going to get a red-haired lady. Although if they looked at it a few hours later, maybe they'd think they're after a brunette. It's just dried and it's shitty cracking dried blood on the napkin. Why, don't you see what I'm trying to show you? It's so stupid. And then Kevin Corrigan is like his goon side kid. Romeo.

named Romeo, which I thought at first when he's like, Romeo. And I was like, oh, no. Now he's just going to be talking about Shakespeare for some reason. It's just been quoting it. Yeah, but then it turns out it's actually Kevin Corrigan's name. And you're like, eh, all right. Whatever.

Kevin Corrigan's on a lot of bad movies. But every time I'm like, oh, Kevin Corrigan. Keep stirring that sauce, Mikey. Poor Corrigan. He's just waiting for the next Scorsese movie. He's probably going to be in silence, too. Do you think he signed on when Scorsese had the rights? probably

for some reason he just continued on you'll stay with the project it's fine he's probably originally going to play like pearly and then like he's because Akiva took the helm Corrigan as Pearlie the main villain of the movie

maybe I don't know I would have enjoyed it more Kevin Corrigan would have done a better job so whatever so they have this big like thing she says like I'm dying you know you can't really get near me and kind of got TB, you know, bummer.

Oh, but the true love. Yeah. Oh, man, we're just talking about true love, love at first sight, eternal bliss. Love in the stars. A kiss that can return you. It's a bunch of bullshit. Well, it's like

a sleeping beauty or something like don't worry when you're about to die. I'll give you a good smooch and you'll come back to life. That's all it'll take. What? I'm going to kiss that tuberculosis right out of you, baby. Here we go. Oh, my God.

Around this point is when Colin Farrell meets up with a friend of his at the Docs, played by Graham Green, who's now going to add an element of Native American mystic Hocom to his apartment. Because why not? Why not? Well, because that's why we get Green in for anything. He's not doing

that and die hard with a vengeance. Well, that's true. That horse is your spirit guide. And you're just like, all right, thank you. It's literally one scene. It's a walk and talk. He explains the, like, the Native American side of things. And then he's like, oh, by the way, sometimes the, the, the spirit can take the form of several things.

A dog, this, or that. So you're just telling me that it's my spirit animal. Well, that's what he says, or even a big, great white horse. And the horse is right there like, how's it going? And then we see, like, Colin Farrell just look like, oh. and it's such a toss away like he's he's one of the baymen that that adopted pharaoh when he showed up on the shores right from the boat so he's kind of supposed to be like from like a fishing culture yeah i mean it's it's more again the book

does a much better job of this but he was brought up as a fisherman they became a mechanic and then he went into pearly's gang right but this is just kind of like a throwaway line yeah I was your kind of your dad it's I mean it's seriously this scene is total tops four minutes yeah and then Graham Green's out of this movie there's got to be deleted scenes or something

well I just don't think they get like there are scenes in this movie that it's just kind of like let's get the plot a going like let's keep it going let's see what's gonna happen what the hell why not and a lot of it doesn't I mean it's it's certainly not interesting yeah you know that could go to the poster

yeah it's certainly not interesting a winter's tail but like what yeah it's like we already got the thing like oh apparently russell crow was some type of father figure to him but now we have to go back and see his other father figure and we had to see his actual father abandoned him and it's just like this one after the other man i mean you're you're almost 40 years old well then william hurt's going to be like a fourth almost father figure yes when he's meeting the family, right? So the whole thing is whatever, this movie's longer than Star Wars. So what happens is Russell Crow makes the connection. They find out like, oh, he says

like, it's a red-headed woman in New York City, figure it out, Goon Squad. So this one guy is like, well, say, that woman's got red hair. Might as well get her killed. Yes. And it's Lady Sybil, and it turns out that this hoodlum was right, you know, but it's a pretty big guess. So Russell Crowe, like she's leaving to go to the lakehouse. Yeah. The next day, whatever. Russell Crow's outside and he's like, okay, you know what I'm going to do to piss off Colin Farrell?

I'm going to murder you is what's going to happen. Well, doesn't Colin Farrell swoop in on this horse and pick her up off the ground? Like right before she's about to be murdered by Russell Crow. They go full Pegasus. The horse takes off. And you're just like, oh wait. so it's not just a horse that can super jump it's a horse that can fly

and glide as well it's whatever so this horse flies them to the lake house right now it doesn't have yeah it doesn't have actual wings it has like phantom wings so I kept on just waiting for those wings just to disappear and just this horse to plummet to the air

right yeah oh absolutely a bunch of people at once said I don't believe in fairy and the horse just died. That'd be great. Well, I mean, it's all this, you know, it's the light bullshit. Like, it's, the horse's wings

are made of, like, reflective light. Am I to believe, Chris, that the Lord God put wings on a horse in this movie? Yes. Why wouldn't you believe that? Yeah, I guess so. I'm watching this movie anyway. I'm pretty gullible as it is.

But also, I mean, the devil also can light as we see with Russell Crow. and the Jewels that make the map. Yeah, there's a little bit of Ross Chamber Room or whatever from Raiders of the Lost Dark. Oh, that's right. Russell Crow lines up like a bunch of diamonds and jewels. He's got the staff of Ra, and the light hits it at a certain angle.

The moon, like, hits these jewels, and all of a sudden the cityscape lights up. And that it tells him, like, where Colin Farrell is. Yeah, it's just like, haunt. that's grand central and that happens once he can't do it again apparently yeah why wouldn't you bring that gimmick back why not just have that sack of rubies with you at all times just like all right i lost him yeah i don't yeah i don't get russell crowd using this ability once that's a good point because it's just like the whole movie he's looking for him that's the whole point of the movies that pearly wants to kill him but it's also just weird just to do that and then quickly move on

from it. It's like, what the hell did I just watch? Maybe he doesn't do it that often because even Kevin Corrigan, he sees him do it. And, you know, you're led to believe that he's been working for pearly for a while. Like, he does this parlor trick in front of Kevin Corrigan. And he's like, well, wait, what? What are you doing? And he's like, just get after him. I mean, I have just, can I do that? I'm going to go home. You know, we'll look for Colin Farrell tomorrow. I'm going to go home. I'm going to check this out, see what we got happening here. But also, also, by the way, when he does, because what happens is when

the Pegasus goes over the edge, he's north of the city. Right. So, Russell Crow first kills Romeo because he fucked it up. Oh, right. Right, because you've got Lord Vader tactics in this. And yeah, totally. You get

one shot, you mucked it up, man, so you get assassinated. So now I've got Roy as my number two. Guy named Roy. It's just some dude. Like, Kevin Corrigan got murdered and thrown off a cliff for some dude to replace him. Some dude with a bad beard. And then he says, I got to go talk to the judge.

Right. So let's all remember that the demons are not allowed north of the city. Yes. That's the rule. So he says, I got to go talk to the judge. We'll leave it there for a second. Colin Farrell meets the family, right? And he's like, hey, I rescued your daughter.

You left her home alone for some reason. I don't know why you would do that. She's got weeks to live. I came in here to rob the place. And I found a sweet girl about 20 years younger than myself. I took better care of her than you did. I don't know. By the way, one of the lines in this romance between these two,

she says, I'm 21 years old and I've never been kissed on the mouth. And he's just like, uh, uh, uh, uh, I've got to fix. well uh i i could kiss you on the mouth is that uh you're leaving me a clue is it okay if i'm constantly sweating and feeling all weird and are you actually attracted to this haircut yeah he's got a shitty haircut like a mushroom but like shaved underneath mushroom it's a slicked back mushroom cut is what it is what's brilliant about this haircut is it was fashionable in 1916 and it's fashionable in

2014. In Williamsburg only. It totally came back though that haircut. It's huge. It's back in a big bad way man. Oh is it? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Dude. Open your eyes. So William Hurt like takes

this guy down a peg. Yeah. So like he meets with Colin Farrell in the sitting room and he's like so you look like a real scumbag. You look like a thief. You looked like you're probably pretty uneducated, and you might have been meeting my daughter because you were burglarizing my house. And Colin Farrell's just like, yep, you got me. And I kind of stopped her from being killed.

Oh, remember that one detail? This momster was going to cut her throat in the middle of the street. Oh, and man, and talk about the worst lines. I mean, it's rife throughout this whole movie. Oh, you could pick any second of this movie. There's a bad line. And he's ready to kick him out of this house, too. He's like,

Oh, too sweet. He's like, keep your answer brief. And if any of my family comes into this room, button up. And Colin Farrell is like, all right,

listen, I am a thief. I'm also kind of a mechanic. I was on my last job when my horse told me I should rob your house. Hey, cut it out.

The horse is outside, like, looking in the window, just like, shut up. He just like draws his hoof across his neck. Well,

yeah, like right before. Right before that, I did do a lot of drugs. Well, what's that have to do with anything? Well, that's my theory about this movie, is that this is like, you know, kind of around the nick time and heroin. You can get heroin in the drug store. Or, you can get cocaine. And where she's like, I think everybody's tripping balls thinking they're demons and angels.

That's very possible. Or this is all just her crazy fever dream before she dies. That's also possible. Oh, yep. My brain is not working right. I've got the sicknesses and it's just like firing in these weird ways and she's like oh there's a devil that man's with the mafia he's a devil she does say something to her little sister about like she likes the like fever dreams that she gets because like she finds them in this is when she's talking about the light and she's like I love when I have these potentially fatal fevers because I start to seeing light in all sorts of new ways and I'm like, your brain

is cooking itself. Yes. Your body is cooking your brain. Go into the tunnel. Head to the lights. Just get it over with. Yes, please. If you wait any longer, it's not going to be that much fun. And, you know, around here we're introduced to her little sister. Right? This is

a precocious little turd if I ever saw one. Two precocious girls in this movie. Two turds in one? Yeah. Well, no, there's this one and then we'll get through the other one. Oh, I thought you were saying that two actresses played this No, no, no, no, it's not a twin thing. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so this little girl... These creepy twins. Oh, man, ass twins. This movie. I would like it more if they were creepy twins. Get some shining twins in here. Why not? Yeah, spook it up.

You have to. You have to spook up this movie, man. Get it a little bit spooky. You got angels and demons, I guess, running around the wounds. And you would think it'd be a little bit more scarier. Yeah, you'd think there'd be... Like, what they choose to make supernatural

troll is weird. Well, the faces. That's it. Like, it's really just Russell Crow's face and flying horses. The judge's face. We're almost there. We're almost there. It's killing me, really. But another one of the worst, this conversation between William Hurt and Colin Farrell, I mean, it's one of the worst scenes I've ever seen in a movie. Yeah. But another thing is, he's talking about how much he loves his daughter. I love your daughter this way, that way. He goes, well, you understand, you know, she's got the consumption. you know, she doesn't have much longer to live. Like, how do you feel about my daughter's condition? And he says, he in a, it's a, it's an official question. It's a real question. One person asks another person. Colin Farrell says to him, he's like, hey, do you think it's possible to love someone so much that they just wouldn't die? And William Hurts like, um, do you have consumption too?

Is your brain also frying? Have you been seeing white in new ways as well? Yeah. Do you have consumption or are you just stupid? Is that your problem? And then he says like, he ties the thief thing back in because he's like, don't you think it would be okay if I just stole one life? And I'm like, oh my God.

Just stop. Just shut the fuck up. Stop what you're doing right now. It's so terrible. That sounds like a threat of murder. Yeah, I'm going to steal her life away, right? Like, I'm going to take it. How can I take your daughter?

Take her life. Take it and put it in my pocket. It's so bad. Put her down by the aisle. Love someone so much. They can't die. Incorrect, though. God damn it. Just remember that, though.

Remember that question that he asked. Yeah, yeah. It's important. Because this movie's dumb enough to answer it. So, Russell Crow gets to the judge's office. presumably the judge is his boss or whatever we don't really know yet you were going up the totem pole of the criminal organization right so we see the judge and the judge is sitting in a dark room and you know not a lot of lights on and it's like what can i help you with it's a single mattress he's got like a light bulb yeah and he's like all right here's the deal judge um i need you to lift that ban on demons not being able to go north of the city or outside of the city or whatever uh because i i really really really, really want to kill Colin Farrell. He just wants a hall pass.

It's not even like, let's lift the band because then he has to talk to God. This demon is asking this judge if that he can go and screw some other woman just for a weekend. Yeah, pretty much is the deal. Did you remember that movie? Him and Owen Wilson are going to go off to the north and fuck a bunch of girls. And then he's going to kill Colin Farrell, too, while he's up there. So the judge is like, you know what? Let's talk about this.

in better light and he pulls the string to turn this light bulb on and standing before me on my TV is Will Smith playing the devil come on Oh my God

There's so much That's terrible with this Starting with the fact That he's dressed Like Will Smith Just going out for the day In Los Angeles He went out for a coffee

And then did this performance He's wearing a hip t-shirt Jimmy Hendrix He has Jimmy Hendricks t-shirt on. Oh, I didn't notice it was a Hendricks. It's a blazer with a Jimmy Hendricks t-shirt and a vest. Oh, mercy. He's timeless.

That is so dumb. So the devil loves Jimmy Hendricks. Who doesn't exist yet. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I totally forgot this. Yeah. Take a look at it.

Slow down your, slow down your iTunes there and you'll see it. Put up some Jewel. in front of your TV so it lights up correctly. Put your rubies and your jades and such. Dude, I didn't even notice that. I thought he was just wearing a hip t-shirt. It's a Hendrix T-shirt? It's a Hendricks T-shirt. You know what? Now my brain is collapsing.

Dude, you got the consumption. I think I do. I just got it. Oh, my God. I did not notice that. That's so dumb. It's really bad. Why didn't anyone care? Because I... They probably thought it was cool.

Or Will Smith suggested it at it the day of. And I Kivas were like, well, I guess that's cool. Will came up with this great idea in between takes. We had the devil in just, you know, a regular old three-piece suit like the rest of the criminals. It was tinted a little bit red, though. Sure. But then Will says, how about I just wear what I'm wearing right now? Oh, and the crew went crazy.

Oh, my God. And you know, at first I was like, Will, you know, I didn't. don't know that. I don't know if that's going to work. And then Will said, well, I'm walking otherwise because I don't give a flying fuck about this. Dude, it's so dumb. Also, he's got gigantic, like, diamond stud earrings each year. What? You know what, Will Smith, get in costume. Everyone else has to look like they're in 1916.

Yeah. You do too. Any good devil who wants to walk around the street like devils do. would dress the part okay this is the devil's time this is his favorite fashion era you get like a van dyke beard going you got a top hat wears his top hat and some tailcoat it's ridiculous you know what like alpicino and the devil's advocate he's dressed period appropriate oh yeah you don't see him walking around in some sort of you know a grizzly bear t-shirt i i would love to see how that would happen because that movie predates that band oh my god wait so i just i just pulled up a photo eric has pulled up on the internet ticker you're totally right chris all you had to do by the way is google winter's tail will smith a picture comes up some sort of fan set photo and by the way i i love will smith i don't have any problem with will smith no not it usually i do well well i mean he's kind of a weirdo well yeah i didn't end those kids

for the most part i don't have a problem with will smith no no it's not you it's a kid You got to do something about your kids. The crazy lunatics. Doc Browns. They become assholes or something. But he is wearing, it's a, it's a like shiny silver blazer, or a vest rather. There's a nice blue blazer and a Jimmy Hendrix T-shirt. Oh, man.

It's unbelievable. And I was wrong, by the way. I don't think there's stud earrings. They're big hoop earrings. Oh, okay. He's getting the pirate look on. But so since we don't really. you know Will Smith's not like you know what you're not putting horns on me

you're not putting a tail on me I'm not asking for horns no no I mean like I I think they ran through it and I was like what can we do to make you the devil so what they decided to do Eric also found a jiff of the greatest part of this movie of course it's it's Will Smith's face contorting into like fangs so because he gets angry because he's the devil well that's The thing is when he gets anger, because, like, so Perley's like, get me up there. I want to kill Colin Farrell.

Yes. And Lucifer, or as he calls him at one point, Lou. Dude, you know what? You can't be casual with your boss, especially when your boss is the devil. Lucifer, you call him the judge or you call him Lucifer. Judge, Your Honor, you know. I don't even get the point of calling him a judge. What's that about?

Because he makes the decision, I guess. Because he calls the shots. He's the final say. I think that's it. Okay. But like, I would just call him Mr. Morningstar. There you go.

Well, and that's the thing is he does that class, like the devil thing where you're like, I was once of his chosen ones and then I was cast out. Oh, man. You know what I hate is whiny Lucifer's? I get it, man. God cast you out.

Just shut up. Yeah, you know how long ago that was? You big baby, get over it. Exactly. And you know what the devil? you're doing okay you got a pretty sweet army all sorts of demons running around jfk's down hanging out at your turf john wayne's there you know what i'm going to disprove hell on this podcast do it because i don't get another thing i don't get about the devil is the like i understand you know as a fallen angel maybe he hates

humanity and he wants to punish humans but after so many hundreds of years what is the point of punishing man for sins against our lord in heaven like he's basically helping god totally punishing sinners yep i don't get it well because he's that you know he gets pleasure from torturing the people who do the torture you know he gets too into it so i i go to hell i get tortured by the devil right for hundreds hundreds of years for eternity i mean who cares anymore right wouldn't I be like relaxing while I'm getting tortured. Like I'm used to it. You probably would get used to it like your tolerance

probably builds up. And you know what? Don't write in saying they zap you back to a time frame where you get you, it feels like it hurts again because I don't care about pain. I've evolved past that. No matter what. But I'm saying Will Smith cares very much about pain. And like he wants people to feel pain.

And when he's yelling at Russell Crow, like he wants him to be. scared like he wants him to be fearful so instead of just you know showing him like a burning corpse or thing i mean all these things would probably get russell crow off in this movie but instead to to really put the fear of god in him he lowers his jaw to like a cone heads esk rows of teeth yeah like it's really really silly dude he looks like baraco from mortal combat he absolutely does like he gets this long weird like amphibian looking underbite going on. He doesn't have the cutters, which

is, you know, an artistic choice I understand. You don't want to go full Baraka. No. But like, and he also has a reflection of himself and fire. Oh, right. He's got, it's like Peter Pan's shadow, this horse shit. Oh my God. This thing's just dancing around up on the wall. God damn it.

It's like worse. Again, I'm going to call back a sadak here. But like the Terminator 2 original DVD screen, it's those kind of like flames in the back ground it's like rippling heat it's real bullshit it's so terrible but anyway he's like nope you don't get to do it you're just going to have to wait for him to come back to you right yep so great thanks for that pointless ass scene son of a bitch short-lived scene and we're back to talking just talking we spend so much time at this lake house with their dumb romance and all this

nonsense they have no chemistry no one could possibly care any less than about these two actors being in these scenes together. It's just the worst. She wants a last dance, so they go to a ball. Right. The mother says, if you dance, you're going to die. Yeah. So she's like, all right, I guess I won't dance. And then Colin Farrell's like, footloose.

Everyone in that town's got consumption. You can't dance. We got an outlaw and all our children are going to die. Kevin Bacon shows up and massacres the whole town through the power of dance. They're all just dropping down. and drop it like flies. Stop dancing! Stop dancing!

A great third act. And the last person alive is John Lithgow crawling on the floor. You did it! Well, that's what I wanted, because they do. They go to this ball and they dance, and I just imagine John Lithgow, like, bursting into the ball and taking her by the arm and, like, pulling her out.

That's what I don't get. Like, she says several times my parents don't want me dancing. My mother says, if I dance, I'll die. And he's like, all right. right, it's New Year's Eve. What do you got to live for anyway, this movie takes place. This is a Christmas movie.

It takes place over the holidays. We have Christmas. We go right into the New Year. And he's like, it's New Year's Eve. We're going to go to this ball. And they go dancing. At no point, is there ever a scene where the parents are like, I don't know about this.

Remember how you have consumption and shouldn't exhaust yourself in any way? Well, because Colin Farrell helped William Hurt with that Furness Yeah So now you can go kill my kid I guess Right the boy like the furnace In this old building This own old house

Their lake house is gonna blow And William Hurt is ready to die With this house It's so stupid like all these Like Colin Farrell comes back to the house And all these people are running out of the house They're like what's going on Like the boiler's gonna blow or whatever

You know we gotta all get out of here Your father's down in the basement And Colin Farrell Who says multiple times this movie how much he loves tinkering with machines and how good at it he is. It's like, well, I'll go help him out, you know, so he goes down there. And it's William Hurt and this other little mousy

looking old man. Yeah. And they're trying to fix this thing. And Colin Farrell's like, uh, if it's going to blow, can we just get out of here? And he's like, no, you know, my mother had this house built. She picked out every piece of furniture. I'm going to go down with the ship. And Colin Farrell literally says, but this is a house. So the old guy runs out

and Colin Farrell's like, listen, I can, you know, let me just play around with this for a second. And he fixes this boil. Like, you think it's going to blow for a second. It doesn't. He fixes this boiler. And William Hurt gives him this big hug. Like, you saved my house.

Like, listen, William Hurt. Just get out of there. And now, because it's 1916, services rendered for fixing a boiler was a woman. Yes, it's their payment. He's got to give him a woman. Well, I guess you own my daughter now. But was I the only one who, like,

when they show the furnace, was thinking about the McCorley Colkin when he's scared of the furnace. I was also thinking about Stephen Weber in the TV movie of The Shining. He's going down with the ship in that boiler room. So they dance. She doesn't die. But a demon who's working with Russell Crow, he's pretending to be a waiter at this ball. Because he had to like, because he can't leave the city because Russell Crow is a demon.

only assigned to New York City, you know, the God's country thing. But this other demon can go outside. No, I think converted. I think it's supposed to be back in the city. No, no, no, no. This ball. No, no, no, no. Because the guy he gets is converted to human. Oh, is that one happened? He did a Wings of Desire.

I just love eating things. I'm obsessed with eating. Peter Falk. Jesus Christ, Russell Crow. You really? I got to go out to New Paltz. I got to go up to new. Are you fucking serious?

You know how long this is going to take? We barely have cars yet. You want me to go all the way up there? Is that how you're going to play Irish? All right, fine. I'm not going to tell you how to do your thing. I mean, I worked with John Casey. I'm not going to pick, nip-pick.

But I'm just telling you. You know, two words come to mind. I was going to put it out there for you. That's embarrassing. You do without what you will. I'll just say, that's embarrassing. Let me tell you. Gina ain't going to watch this movie either.

John God bless him He's gone up But He's caught up Gina Gina she ain't watching You know what I just love the idea

That Peter Falk Will decide What to do And what not to do Based on Gina Rollins And watch it or not Yeah

What Would Gina Would she respect me For doing this picture I'm not exactly Playing an angel With some sort of Stupid demon

It's totally incomprehensible Nothing makes sense In the script Yeah she'd watch it though I think she'd think it was fun. But seriously, though, Russell, that's embarrassing. And then to the premiere night, oh, geez, Gina, I thought it was going to be good.

I don't know. Gina, stop hitting me. Jesus Christ, Jean. Now, you're busting my cigar. Also, Peter Fogg's been dead for years. Well, of course. Make this movie. Well, maybe.

You know, in the perfect world, Peter Fogg would live forever. Well, if Colin Farrow would kiss him on his deathbed. Holy shit. All right. So yeah. All right. So this, yeah, this demon, he wings of desires himself. He becomes mortal. He goes to this ball somehow is able to get a job as a waiter, goes in there and spikes her drink. So she drinks this champagne. And I'm like, oh, she's going to die in this ballroom. It's going to be a big scene. How embarrassing. That's embarrassing. But it doesn't happen. They go back home. And I'm like, oh, okay. What was that? Yeah, what was that all about? Right. So they go back. And he's like, well you know I had a nice night I guess your dad's still making me sleep out in the barn even though I saved the house from exploding so he walks outside and she's like up on her weird like impossible patio yeah taking her clothes off getting ready to like take her ice cold bath before going to bed and he's like watching her you know undressing everything and then she goes back

into the tent and then he's got the grappling hook because magically he's just in this room No, is that how, did he use the grappling hook? Because it seems like he's just suddenly there. You don't see the grappling hook? It's terrible editing. He just magically walks in. I know. I imagine it's the horse in the background.

And he's like, yo, you're going to go up there? Fine. I'll bring you up there. I know you have some arm strength problems after the night, but. See, that's what you wrote. That's what you thought happened. But I wrote here in my notes. Colin Farrell

pole vaulted on his boner to get up there fast because at the time watching the movie I was like how did he get up well you saw that that you know the brassier came off

and it was just like he's there well I mean he's got to get a running start so and I mean they've got a lot of land so I can see that happening you're thinking that he used his erection the way Scrooge McDuck bounces on his cane in the Duckdale's game

Precisely. Oh, you know, it's just a theory. It might not be right. Hey, you know what? We didn't see it. Nothing is impossible. It's, you know, it's not about what the filmmakers intended. It's about what I, the audience, thought.

Imagine between the cuts. Exactly. It's important. So, anyway, he's up there and they're about the screws. It's just this total randos sex scene, just out of nowhere. And, like, you know, like, she says, I get too heated up. I'm gonna die.

I'm a goner. Do you know what sex is? Well, he doesn't because even though Colin Farrell's 38 years old, he's playing the role of a 17-year-old boy. Seriously, that, honestly, this movie would have been better if it was a young. Yes, it would make a lot more sense. And you know, Colin Farrell's not insanely old like I was joke. He's old, but he's not insane.

he's literally seven years older than you you know what you just made me really disappointed in myself look at look at the that you've never poll voted with your boner no no no that I'm probably gonna die and not do that no I've done that but I haven't you know

have this mountain of a legacy to leave behind you know Yeah, SWAT. Yeah, I mean, don't put yourself too much. The recruit. I don't have my recruit yet. Alexander. I don't have my own.

A home at the end of the world. That movie's a real stink fest. So if you want Eric movie to be in your movie, I would gladly do any type of those. Sure. Man, Eric movie. What a great character. I want to write some like, like, shitty, like, shitty. like L.A. Noir, like, you're maybe like an out-of-work screenwriter.

Yeah, that is Eric movie written all over. I'm Eric movie. And I'm at my wits end. I'm a jaded down-of-my-luck script doctor. Yeah, you don't even write your own scripts. You're just the doctor, man. They find me in a dingy bar, right? Yep.

It's like, oh, you want that punched up? You want that dialogue redone. You know, like 5 o'clock shadow smoking. Yep. Whiskey. Yep. Yeah, I'll take the case. You know how I like to get paid.

And they just shoved down a bottle of wild turkey. It's like, I don't know how she died. She was like that when I got here. Because, you know, it's a noir. Speaking of, she was like that when I got here. They have sexual intercourse and she expired. gone instantly she says something about like like i can see you now or it's not that yeah like it's something we're finally there or something like her soul's going to go to alpha centauri to be a

star amongst the alien gods and she's just dead and he's like oh fuck you know because like there he is nude in william hurts castle but where can he go where will uh willa right is that the name of the is it lily or willa whatever little willa the little sister said like earlier in the picture if you bring

you bring her to the secret garden and you give her a kiss right on this spot oh man they're making like a like a sleeping beauty thing or a snow white thing or whatever it is you know she's like I made she this little sister literally constructs her sister's deathbed

is what happens in this movie And she's like, if she dies when you have sex, just bring her down here. It'll fix it. And he does. And it doesn't work. Of course it doesn't. Dude, she's just dead. She's just totally dead.

And you know what? Way too much kissing this corpse. Oh, yeah. Look, you kiss a corpse once and you're like, that didn't work. That's the last time you try to bring it back. It's like he's trying to do CPR or mouth to mouth. Yeah, but it's just with sexy kissing. Even if it's my girlfriend, my partner, my wife, whatever, if it's a dead body, and it's been a dead body for a while.

Yep. Because I had to carry that thing through the castle, or maybe I pole vaulted in my boner again. No, you know, if there was ever a body, if there was ever a time when you don't have a boner, it's when you're carrying your dead girlfriend's corpse down a staircase. You know, I'm going to stop you right there. Not necessarily. You're right. Speak for yourself. of winter's tail. Nothing's impossible. There is a flying horse. So he gets down there with

this court. And I mean, it's got to be at least 20 minutes. This is a dead cold body. She's starting to stiffen up? Yeah. I'm like, okay, like a, are you sure a peck on the cheek won't do it? No. Like, just like to the lips. Kong, no tongue, right? So it's like her mouth is dry at this point because he sucked all the saliva out. It tastes like dead. It tastes like dead. Very good. So she's dead and they have

the funeral and she's buried in Brooklyn and Colin Farrell attends from afar. Yeah. He takes a walk amongst the tombstones. Yeah, exactly right. And you know, the little sister sees him and she's like, oh, bummer. He's probably not going to stay in our lives. and Colin Farrell then just doesn't

die and we cut to 2014 and he's like kind of pseudo homeless he's back living at Grand Central he's not homeless he's got like a place oh yeah you're right yeah he's got a place and he's got a not better haircut

it's just grown out he looks like a pirate yeah he's kind of like I mean he's got like an urban outfiter's hoodie a jacket with the hoodie underneath it. Right. It's like an I. Frankenstein fashion. A bit. Yes. It actually is exactly like an I Frankenstein kind of wardrobe. Oh, wait a second. If you're doomed to walk the earth, you get the memo. You know what you know what to do. Right. You know, a good Tweed jacket and that hoodie. But we totally forgot like how this all happens. So after the funeral, I guess he's just

like hanging out. And Russell Crow tracks him down. Right. Right. And it's of the Brooklyn Bridge, I think. Yeah, they're on the Brooklyn Bridge. And he's like, like all right this is happening and the horse comes in oh that's what it is he's getting rid to flee town with the horse and he's like all right horse she's dead it's back to just me and you again let's get out of the finally dude shit you know what I've been waiting

you ruined my Christmas hanging out with this girl I was in a barn for Christmas do you honestly want to count the amount of times I told you not to fuck her because she's gonna die have you read anything about consumption man I'm a horse I'm a horse that knows all about consumption I talked to a doctor once that's all

it took. And Russell Crowe's gang like they're trying to kill the horse. I, dude, I thought I was going to have to watch a horse get slaughtered and I was getting the horse alive, he says, skin it alive. So Colin Farrell, you know, grabs a knife. He can kind of fight like Jason

Bourne in this movie, which is obnoxious. He fights off a couple of these goons, kill some of them and he frees the horse and he's like, get out of here, horse. And the horse is like, are you sure? And he's like, yeah, horse, I said, and then the horse just takes off. They're fuck this. The horse flies away.

And then Bigfoot's there and he rolls up a newspaper. It's like, don't you understand we don't want you anymore? And he's smacking Bigfoot in the face. And then Bigfoot leaves the movie too. Poor Harry and the Henderson. So then Russell Crow delivers not one but 19 head butts to Colin Farrell and then pushes him off the bridge. Yeah. And I'm sorry.

And like this is, for all you movie villains out there, never throw somebody off a bridge into the water. Nope. Don't do it. Guess what? It's the easiest thing to come back from. Absolutely. Stick a knife in his throat. Dr. Richard Kimball did it.

See, if he can do, I mean, and that was a sure you're going to die situation. Totally. That guy did not kill his wife, man. Man, just put a knife in his throat and then toss him over. It's so simple. You got the knife right there. That's what you do in New York. And I mean, this guy is like killing everybody.

He wants to butcher people left and right. And he takes the soft side with this kid. Also, you're a demon, dude. Why are you just pushing people? Yeah. Put your demon face on and bite his head off. Yeah. Eat the body.

Eat the whole fucking thing. Just eat it. I need, you know what? This movie lacks is a real nice occult practice or something. You need some sort of ceremony. Yeah. You're totally right. Even when they go to the devil, it's just some asshole hanging out on a loading dock.

It is. Yeah. It's exactly that. So, anyway, flash forward to 2014. He hangs out in Central Park making chalk drawings. His memory has been wiped. Yes. He hasn't aged a day.

The men in black found him. Yep. Exactly. They zapped him. And he's doing these drawings, which is the exact drawings that Russell Crow did in blood to hunt this. his lady fair down. Right. I don't think she's going to be appreciating that.

You know, if she's looking down as a star being like, wait a second, you're just drawing the bad guy's drawing of me. Which how does he even have that in his memory? Oh, the headbutt. It's a vision. No, it's the headbutt. He did so many headbutts. Some of his mind went into Colin Farrell. It's like tapping two cell phones together to share an MP3.

It's exactly like that. so he don't forget this drawing so he runs into another precocious turd uh and this time it's this little girl's mother is jennifer connelly uh you know welcome back to the movies jennifer connelly i guess great picture to return to so she's here and the little girls like asking all these questions like what's your name where do you come from he's like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i have no memory. Jennifer Connelly, as a mother who watches her daughter run into a long-haired weird-looking dude in Central Park, allows this conversation to go on way too long. Way, way, way, way too long.

They have like a full two to three-minute talk and she's like, well, it was nice meeting. You have to go. No, no, no. You pull that child away right away, man, immediately. You might not be able to hear that conversation, but half of it is curse. it's half of it is the most disgusting shit you ever wanted to hear oh totally this guy's muttering to himself about demons and the devil and the angels and the star people and he's doing little cartoons on the sidewalk this dead girl he was making out with after he fucked her

like i mean it's he's just dead well maybe he forgot that part maybe that's part of the maybe that one was lost in the in the swipe too but it'd be great if he was just yelling that in Central Park because, you know, people who haven't visited New York or lived here, that's what happens every day. That's nonstop. So he starts like getting some of his memories back. Yeah, vaguely. And he remembers William Hertz's name. Isaac. Isaac. Isaac Penn. And so he goes to this library that William Hertz's character, like, you know, donated money to whatever. And he goes looking for him. He has no idea that a hundred years is past. It's like the Isaac Penn branch of the public library or something. Yes. I would like to speak to Isaac Penn. And this dude's just like, ah, you're messing with me or what?

And it turns out, wow, I mean, how convenient Jennifer Connolly works at this library branch. So he's like, oh, I got to go see some micro-fiche. And she's like, okay, I'll take you down to this, you know, the micro-fiche or whatever. Let's look up, you know, because he doesn't have ID. Like, oh, yeah, the whole- And immortal would never have ID. The guy is like, okay, you can apply to look at this micro-fiche. It'll take like two weeks. I just need two forms of identification. And he's like, yeah. So that's not going to fly.

Yeah. And so then Jennifer Connolly is like, oh, well, lucky for you. I work here. So they go down to the basement and she like, you know, puts up this micro-fiche. And there is William Hurt. And he's like, oh, well, look, it could have been my father-in-law, but I fucked her and she died. I fixed that guy's furnace. totally fixed that guy's

furnace one time. That's crazy. It looks like a happy customer. Then it like cuts to a picture of Lady Sybil and he starts like tearing up like oh she was so beautiful she uh you know she had consumption and whatnot you know and then there's a picture. There's a picture

of the two of them and Jennifer Connolly just turns around and the line is now what's going on here it's what she said now what's going on here? I said something like, your father? She's like, she's trying to rationalize

it. It's got to be your father, right? Why wouldn't your first thought be con job? Or dangerous, homeless time traveler. That's also, I mean, that is always my first suspicion of him. Oh, yeah. A dangerous time traveler? I watched

Terminator. That's my first, that's the first place I go. He says like, he's standing there just crying over this micro-feash and she's like, and he's just like she played Brahms just like crying

and she's like uh uh huh and cut to him just at her house what why is this movie even still happening well that's the thing yes

it's two movies it's two movies it's two movies the second of I didn't like the first one why are you giving me the second one well maybe you'll like it if it's set in 2014 And, oh, and by the way, because we did, it's, I guess it's a late reveal, cancer kid. Oh, yeah. So instead of consumption, Jennifer Connolly's daughter has cancer. Oh, man, the 21st century.

Yep. With all these weird things like cancer and cars. Well, I guess they had cars back then. So, oh, man. So, you know. Jennifer Connolly is like this, she's like a journalist or whatever. She does food recipes for the New York Times. But like the editor or something is...

So, yeah. So, I mean... Yeah. How do we even get to this? I mean, this is... Well, because there's... Okay, so there's two things. Yes.

So he's like, well, you know, I can prove it to you. After they say, he's like, well, there's one person. Now, Willow, when she was a kid, I have... What, she was like five years old, five, ten years old. Yeah, she was like, yeah, she was like, like maybe eight or something. Eight years old. 1916. Yep.

Write that down. Yeah. 1916, she's eight years old. Let's just say it that way. So that means that she was born in 1908. That means that she is approximately a hundred and six years old. And she is running the New York son. Yep.

That's why no one reads it because it's. And she's fine, by the way, by the way, she's just, she's walking around. She's just fine. She's played by a very chipper Eva Marie Saint. Who was born in the 1920s. Yes. So it makes a little more sense. I mean, honestly, the-

106 years old editor of the New York Sun. Look, you did a shitty 1916 period piece. Do a shitty 19706 period piece, okay? Right. Well, yeah, the book is set in the 80s problem. right? Like, oh, I mean, I mean, well, yes, the modern time. It's not said in 1914. Yeah, so

it's the 1980s, yes. Which is, it's feasible. Go to, yeah, exactly. A hundred and six years old, she's the editor of a newspaper. Oh, God. And she walks it like, she's like, oh, can you like, you know, I'll take you to go see her, whatever. They go to the office.

She's like, oh, is she in? Then this, this brassy old lady walks out, and she says to the receptionist, she's like, Sandra? today I want a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream for lunch and I'm like a hundred and six years old ma'am you are having

chipped beef dude I'd love some chip beef and maybe steamed vegetables you're having an IV and you're dying more than likely an IV you're dying this afternoon well like she sees Peter Lake standing there

it doesn't have a heart attack I thought she would just instantly go Oh, because she's like freezing up here now, you know? Yeah. I thought she would be like, oh, I knew the Grim Reaper would take a familiar form. Or it's like, oh, I'm seeing my dead friends. Honestly. Oh, here comes the big one.

Dude, she turns around. She turns around after ordering this milkshake and just sees him standing there. And he's like, little well-a. And instead of her heart exploding. a thousand times. She's just like, Peter Lake, and does the same,

like, earlier in the movie. Come on, get in here. Yeah, they established that, like, when she was little,

she would do, like, arms up, like, pick me up. She does the arms up, and, like, they give a big hug. No,

this woman's dropping dead. And you know what, Colin Farrell, just because you're a timeless person now, doesn't mean that you can just show up to people you used to know who are 106 years old and just be like,

eh? Eh? Like you have to, like, Jennifer Connolly needs to be like, okay, listen, I need you to sit down, okay? I need you to just keep an open mind. What's about to happen is going to be very shocking. And I don't want you at the age of 106 to die in front of me. So you took your Tuesday pills. They're all in their system, right?

Working, right? A healthy dosage. And, uh, I don't know what to tell you. This guy's here. Dude, and they go back to her house to, like, hang out for the afternoon, I guess. And he's like, how is this happening? And she's like, well, you know, I'm so old.

You just stop being surprised by things. No, no, no, no, no. One, I'm surprised that you're 106 years old and running a newspaper. No, the older you get, the more surprised you are by things. Like, oh, what's that noise? Exactly. She should be outraged. And I don't remember exactly.

Is it ever addressed why he's like timeless? Yep. Will Smith tells us that apparently... Our second Will Smith. He loved her so much that he just couldn't die. That's it. That's how they explain it. It's what he asks William Hurt earlier in the movie.

So remember that next time you're on the battlefields. In some foreign lands. Just keep loving your heart. somebody so much. And if you die, I guess you didn't really love them. It's such a belittling thing to loving couples all over the world, right? Sure. Like, do you imagine, like, some old person watching this movie, like, a recently widowed something or other, you know what I mean? Like, oh, let me just sit down with this, all this fun little fantasy romance make me feel better. And then the movie tells this person, like, sorry, ma'am, I guess you didn't love your, or your husband didn't love you enough because he's dead in the ground.

And then her heart explodes a million times. Apparently, you didn't look hard enough because if you had looked hard enough, you could have found yourself a flying horse. Dude, this horse comes back, by the way. A spirit guide. It's a very uneven movie. Most of the movie is in 1916. We're not in 2014 for that long.

I think it's like 30, 40 minutes, maybe. The beginning does a lot of, like, rocking back and forth setting up that he's living in Grand Central in both time periods. Yes. um but when we get to 2014 it's not there for that long so they hang out with even marie saint for a little longer and then it's awesome like they're leaving and they're on the front steps and she's like well peter lake i suppose i'm never gonna see you again and i was like why would you say that because you're 106 years old but i just love this like well this is probably the last time we're going to see each other clearly they've established they're both immortal in their own ways

like maybe it's feasible you'll meet up for lunch again at some point you know like who knows. So then Russell Crow is of course still alive. He's a demon, so he's ageless as well, you know, and he's tipped off in some way or another that Colin Farrell is still alive. The rubies. Oh, the rubies say it again. The rubies and the jades. Because it doesn't

show him a map. It just kind of like, it just like moves like a Jewel one way. Right. Oh, he's alive still. So why would Russell Crow wait until 2014 to

double check his work? Like, you throw them off the bridge that day, go back to your hideout, maybe have a celebratory Scotch, you're an evil demon, that's fine, light up a cigarette, and then be like, all right, now I'm just going to put the jewels out real quick, just to make sure that when I do the, you know, the configuration to show me where Colin Farrell is, it says he's in the East River, and I don't have to worry about it. Where to go? Oh, no, I lost him.

Like, why wouldn't you do that? Why would you wait 98 years? Establish something that's like every hundred years I could do this or something. Yes, exactly. Wouldn't your friend Lou know about this? Yeah, totally. Wouldn't Will Smith be like, um, why are you celebrating? He just crawled out of the river.

He's still totally alive. He's with the horse. The horse and him are fine. So Russell Crowe, like, has a new bodyguard, which is, uh, Kevin Duran. It's Kevin Duran. And he is the grandson of Romeo. Of Romeo, which is just ridiculous.

And great. Comes to nothing. There's a hilarious moment, though. where he's like, hey, remember that story I told you about how I murdered your grandfather? And Kevin Durand's like, all right, I'll just back out of this office quietly. Pardon me? So, I mean, whatever. They just, they have to go back to that.

Like, Colin Farrell's memories coming back. And he realizes like, oh, it's the house is the place. Let's go there. Right. And this Jennifer Connolly's daughter is the girl I was supposed to save. That's the miracle I can. So it turns out that it has a... The drawings were always of her.

She has a red scarf around her head. Sheielding the cancer. Right. The radiation. She's got a scarf on there. So it's Russell Crow's vision, you know, mistook that for red hair. It was a red scarf.

So Colin Farrell realizes this and it was like, oh, I know how to save your daughter. We got to get to this house. So the horse, you know, takes them. He's like, oh, by the way, this is my flying horse. Well, by the way, Because Lou and Purley

Oh right They do have They have another talk Little deal with the devil here And it's kind of funny We're losing Lucifer We're losing bad And like

Lou Lou makes this whole thing He's like Look Pearlie I don't think you should go after him And Pearly is like Nope I'm gonna make a deal with you

we're going to fight me in this Colin Farrell if I get killed I'm dead if he gets killed he's dead and you he gives a deal

to become mortal one of us is gonna and he says this and I thought it was just you know one of his many who gives his shit lines

right he's going to turn to snow and get scattered to the four winds right keep that in mind so basically the deal is if Will Smith

lets him go outside of the city, which I love that New York City is the demon hell realm, by the, of course. You know what? I can confirm. So he's like, all right, if I let you do this, I have to turn your mortal to do it. So you're not going to have any of your demon powers. You got to

fight a mono-a-mono. He's like, all right, you know, I'm cool with that man. I'm going to go get him. Don't worry about it. So he turns immortal. They go up to the house. He knows that's where they're going to go. So there's this lake, you know, this frozen lake and whatnot. And he shows up with like 20 goons. And they drive

cars on the lake. Yeah. They go limousy. Right up to it because I guess it's, I don't know, is this an island or some shit? They never really specify where this actually is. I mean, you can drive cars on deeply frozen lakes. Yeah, but you probably shouldn't drive like seven of them

next to each other. Probably not. Probably not the smartest. You shouldn't be doing 60 miles an hour on a frozen lake. You probably shouldn't put 40 tons of weight in the right in the same spot. Not exactly the smartest thing to do. It's a real horse shit gag too, because he's like uh horse shit oh yeah because he's like uh she said Jennifer Connolly says like oh could they could they

have followed us up here and he's like no I don't think so and then the cars immediately come around the corner so that he's like all right we're gonna kill you now and he's like oh yeah watch this and the horse jumps up into the sky and I'm like oh the horse totally bailed that's terrible the horse totally slams down on this ice and murders the 20 goons yeah they all fall SUVs and all into the frozen lake. It's amazing. Probably the best part of the movie. And none of them could swim. Nope. They all just drown. And so then it's it's Russell Crow versus Colin Farrell and they're fighting. And I was like thinking like man, I always wanted to like how cool would a fight scene between Russell Crow and Colin Farrell be. It's a shame that I have to watch

it under these circumstances. It's, you know, so they have this fight. It's a pretty brutal fight. Like Russell Crow's beating the shit out of them for the most part. But then Colin Farrell has So we have to go back Just a second He's kept the little name tag That displayed like the name of his little model ship That he was found in

City of Justice The city of justice So he produces that from his coat sleeve And jams it into Russell Crow's throat Up into his neck, you know And murders him He dies and he does turn into snow And blow away

Scattered to the four winds oh man and so it's such horse shit let's just wrap this up so the daughter's dead like she dies while the horse is flying to the lake house right they get her in the little bed you know the deathbed that the girl made uh and you know colin for kisses her on the forehead and it's like oh it didn't work it didn't work oh it worked oh never mind now there we go why is everyone crying i'm a little kid yeah oh yeah she's like what are you crying for mom

yeah and then suddenly we're back in the city right in front of a giant awning that says, Dunkin' Donuts. Do you drink Duncan Donuts? Oh, absolutely. Dude, everybody does. And it's just, it's... You know, America runs on it.

It runs on Duncan. You're totally right. You're totally right. Happens that way. And so, I mean, the day is saved. I'm your miracle. You don't have cancer anymore. That's fantastic.

And she's like, well, I guess is the last we'll be seeing you. And he's like, yeah, probably. and he and the horse have to go back to their home planet the horse is like all right get on my back we're going to go become stars now and they fly up into the

sky and it turns into a dot and then the dot just freezes and it's a new star yeah you also sees like he sees like one star and it's like you know it's alluded to like oh that's my lady that's my lady's become a star I'm going to become

a twin son up there right next to her yep And that planet they're next to tattooing from Star Wars. So wait, am I to understand that, so Conferral on the horse, because, I mean, that is the end of the movie. Yeah. Comfer on the horse go up and become the star. Yes.

Is it like a Jeff Goldblum fly situation? Oh, you think he's a half man, half horse? Because I mean, he's a centaur? He's got a horse cock? I don't want to go too blue, but if you become half man, half horse, I'm assuming you're taking that point. If you're going to pick one thing, yeah, I think you've got to go with it. Because otherwise it's a BoJack Horseman situation.

And I mean, nobody wants that. Nobody does want that. You would rather be a cool centaur. Yeah, a centaur, I mean. Right? That's like a consolation right there. That's what the sky's full of. They're full of centaurs and lizards and things.

I do think so, yeah, because like it's not two separate stars. No, you're right. They merge into one thing. And that's gross. It's really weird. He becomes a centaur at the end of this. A centaur sun. It's like a burning

hot sun and in the center it's just a centaur running in a circle to power it. And that's how that's how religion works. And the devil is defeated once again. And that's Winter's Tale.

One of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. One of the best credits though I've ever seen in my life way down the list, it says costumer for Mr. Smith and I just yelled out fire that fucker!

What costumer? His closet? I thought you were going to talk about the credit that immediately comes up at the very end which is basically it lists everything you could ever do in a movie and it's like by Akiva Goldsman. Yeah, this dude was doing a lot of lifting for this movie. Written, produced, directed because you would have to because who would want to be a part of this year?

Everybody can come to my house and eat lunch. I got some cold cuts. Got some good toasted bread for you all. Oh, man. Oh, man. Now, now I know no one's going to recommend this movie. But is this movie a seeing-is-believing situation? Oh, I mean, I don't necessarily think you need to.

It's longer than Star Wars. Is it? It's not, it's an hour 53. No, I thought it was over two. It's an hour 50. Oh, okay. So it's not longer than Star Wars. So it's three minutes shorter than Star Wars. All right. They just dodged it. It feels longer.

I mean, but credits with the trailers and everything. It's about the same amount, I would say. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just waiting for the special edition to come out. Of Winters Town? Yes. Where Subalba's in it? Right. You know, they just didn't have the technology at the time to complete certain things. Like that horse's wings. Yeah. They go and pay for half of the wings. These are temporary wings. When technology is better, we can give this horse some real wings.

I'm sorry you fell in love with a half-completed movie. It's just not what I intended. That's Winters' Tale from the last year, 2014, directed by Akiva Goldsman. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. We are doing the worst of 2014.

What was your worst of 2014? write in and let us know. I just want to, since I jumped in on the last episode to remind everyone about our subreddit. We got the subreddit going on. Yeah. But I want to let you know another thing you can do to help the show and make it more prolific

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will help us immensely if you could just even just give us a star rating in iTunes. It takes you two seconds. If you stream the show on Stitcher, you can rate and give reviews on Stitcher now, so that's totally available. However you can do it. Also, hey, you know what? WHMpodcast. Spreadshirt.com. Get that

probably secondus t-shirt. It is the hottest selling shirt in our store right now. But I will say we also have a dog actor bandana. You got a dog? You know? Put a little we hate movies flare on it. Clue for next week's episode, Chris Cabin. Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones. Oh, what could that mean? A lot of mystery surrounding that. That's a huge cast. That's a big flying horse mystery. That is a huge cast. So until next week, when we find out what we're talking about with Game of Thrones.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Sisker. Chris Gavin. Take it easy.