We Hate Movies - S5 Ep187: Dracula Untold

Episode Date: January 20, 2015

On this episode, the gang starts finding a pattern in the worst films of 2014 as they tackle another demon/monster movie with Dracula Untold! Why try to make the audience sympathize with a notorious mass murderer? Why did we need Vampire Cam? And why did Dracula need to have a Spider-man-esque "finding my powers" sequence? PLUS: Let the games being! (At least according to Charles Dance...) Dracula Untold stars Luke Evans, Sarah Gadon, Dominic Cooper and Charles Dance; directed by Gary Shore. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies 

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Steven Seda. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in as always. We are riding right into the third week of our worst of 2014 month, or as it's accidentally turning out to be a month where we hate movies talks about demons. That's right. It is the film from last year, Dracula Untold, directed by first-time director Gary Shore. Woof, woof, woof, said the dog watching Dracula Untold. Somebody was fucking angling for a gig directing one episode of Game of Thrones. Oh, you think this is real?

Yeah, I think this is it. I think he's like, you know what, man? You got to handle the costumes, a little CGI. It was a battle? I'm in there with Charles Dance, you know? I got half of a celebrity in Luke Evans. And there's a bunch of half celebrities in Game of Thrones. Stupid joke, which half of Luke Evans is a celebrity?

Evans. The Evans. Oh, is you related to Robert Evans? No, he's not. No, probably not. The Dracula stays in the picture. Robert Evans might be a Dracula. Oh, you think so?

Is he dead? I was kind of curious about that. We'll see what happens. I believe he's still alive, but I mean, like, man, the amount of sun the guy gets. Well, that's how they did things back then, you know? But then, I mean, how is one going to become a vampire? Oh, right. I see what you're saying.

If one has, you know, aged one's skin into a fine leather. But, you know, you stick up for a Roman. Polanski that many times, it is like drinking somebody's blood out of his skull, right? It's kind of the same dark pact. So, you know, whereas I, Frankenstein, was this ain't your mama's Frankenstein, and we could say

that Winter's Tale was this ain't your mama's bullshit movie. This is clearly, this ain't your mama's Dracula, baby. My goodness gracious. Well, yeah, you know, it's a great idea. Let's take a legendary, literary and movie figure, and you know, just

tell everyone, just how it. all started. I will say, I think that I Frankenstein's a better movie. I think it's a more watchable movie. If you give me the option, I'm watching I Frankenstein again. You think so? Because at least I Frankenstein. I mean, like, not to say that it's doing something with the franchise, but it's like, hey, let's turn this into a shitty, like it's, they're both superhero movies. Because everything, unfortunately now, that's how we model shit. Yeah, we can't have any kind of like subtlety whatsoever. It is when the projector starts, it's balls to the wall. Yes. So they're both superhero movies, but at least

I Frankenstein's like, hey, let's take the ball and run with it, as opposed to like, hey, let's see how the ball was made, you know, like, which I never want to see how the ball was made. That's true. I. Frankenstein picks up where the book left off, and this pile of crap starts before the book was even considered. Ends where the book

should start. Yeah, more or less, right? And let's not forget, we are going right up to 2014 with this movie, too. But we start with some graphics that are, I mean, I got to talk to some graphics departments. This is straight up N64 Doom graphics that just fart onto your screen and it says Dracula. Untold.

Some serious like 64-bit music, man. It's terrible. Even so much so, and it's also a problem because I think it only happens once. They have a title card for, like the movie happens. There's a little bit of stuff. And then it says Castle Dracula. To introduce what Castle Dracula is, I think. I thought I felt like I unlocked a level. You know what I was like, oh, I got the Castle Dracula level.

Dude, when I was watching this entire movie, both times I watched it, I felt the same thing, which was, this would make a really cool, like, Castlevania sequel. Yeah. Like, the way they film the fight scenes in this, and he's, like, exploding into a sea of bats and then coming back and swinging his cape and the cape turns into bats and everything's turning into bats. I was like, that's like a cool super move that you would do in a Castlevania game. It's up, up, back, back, B.A. Yeah. and he just turns into a bunch of bats. That's just how it works.

And, you know, that's the thing. It's the fighting. It's everything. Dracula should be a mysterious. Be sexy. You know, what's that guy going to do? You know, he's more of a, and Graham Stoker knew this because Dracula was the central character of Dracula.

Correct. He shouldn't be heroic. No, well, certainly. Or a sympathetic either. He's a bad guy, dude. He's a V-lane. Also, don't try to sympathize an actual historical monster in Vlad the Impaler. Come on, the dude was a fucking child killer.

And here I am, I'm supposed to care. He's going to lose his family. Good. Man, he has this monologue in this movie where he explains why he was doing that and how it was for a good reason. And it's the most biggest load of horse shit. Yeah, you know what, Vlad the Impaler? Yeah, I really believe you, dude. You were just following orders.

You were just playing the role of Monaster. Oh, I didn't want to slaughter all those people. Don't cry for me, Chris. I'm already dead. Do you think in 400 years, whatever movies become, there'll be Pol Pot untold, and it's going to be all about how Pol Pot had, like, you know, he had his family, and then, you know, the U.S. Army was trying to steal kids, and then do Chow Chowcesterscu untold? Like, come on.

The drama writes itself. That's Ken Young's Academy Award. Oh, yeah. They'd get the casting wrong, of course, but, like, that's... if you're looking for it that's all I'm saying so it's everything you never wanted to know about Dracula and we're never afraid to ask totally you can't be afraid about stuff you don't care about because it's it all takes place

you know where in you know it's about this Dracula's about this guy going to this spooky castle oh my god what's going to happen holy shit Dracula's there why is he there who cares and then I'm going to go home and oh fuck Dracula follow me home you know and then we have an actual story I mean, this movie starts with some slow-mo video game fighting, and it's talking about, like, you know, how, like, you know, the high sultan of the Turk Empire, you know, commanded that a thousand Romanian boys be stolen and, like, join his army, whatever, and we're like, it's like that, it's the sex scene and fight club. We're using that kind of 360 slow-mo horse shit of all these, like, frightened cartoon boys, like, as they're like on the battlefield, and then they're like, and in the thousands of boy soldiers,

there was one that was pretty good close up on Dracula. Well, it does that stupid thing, and again, we're right from the beginning, we're trying to get, you know, sympathy for this character. So who is narrating it? His son, like anybody gives a shit, and he's like, I didn't know him as a monster.

I knew him as father. Oh, right, yeah. He was known by many names. I just called him father. Dracula untold. it's oh my god it's just who who who and why who did it and why it's it's two questions i want to hear but yeah so he we're going through the the 300 by the way i hope you enjoyed the movie 300 i hope everyone in the world

enjoyed 300 because you're going to get it from now until forever because you know what's interesting white armies against brown armies and we choose a time in history where the brown army was more powerful than the white army. And it's not even played by brown people in this movie. It's just the whitest white that ever whited, man. Dominic fucking Cooper. You don't get any whiter than Dominic Cooper. And he's playing the king of the Turks.

Well, that's the weird thing, too, is they never say Ottoman Empire in this movie. Did they have to pay money for that? Maybe someone's getting a cut. That president of Turkey is a real lunatic. Well, because, you know what? They don't want to get heavy on the exposition. Yeah, you'd have to explain what an ottoman is. Yeah, they were really concerned about keeping that shit trimmed.

Yeah, they wanted the audience to figure it out. That's the trick there. But it's just weird because that's the thing, it'd be even better if they were saying, oh, those Ottomans are coming in, because then it's like, you know, it's putting it in a historical context with those fucking Turks. You know, they're like looking at the camera, like, you fucking ugly Turks. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, that's what drives you nuts is that all the bullshit is expisional.

Yeah. And yet, like, when it comes to actual history, it's like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. It's just like, you're talking about this person, our friend in Dublin, or some bullshit. So we start, and, you know, Vlad, he's not yet Draculia, not yet a woman, you know. He's leading his army. He's like, oh, hey, we found, we start with, like, they're doing a forensics operation at this crime scene. They're like, oh, this helmet just fell down the stream. looks like a dirty fucking turk helmet

you know and they're like well it came downstream so it came from that huge mountain up there broken tooth mountain broken tooth mountain i hear something like broken tooth mountain i'm like am i watching lord of the rings am i watching game of thrones i'd rather be watching either i wonder if it's your highness like it's one of those it's not even like that imposing a broken tooth oh your highness the the david gordon green you know parody film and like but like Broken tooth, that's not like, if I was Dracula, I would think, like, Fang Island

or like, yeah, I think Fang Island is reserved for King Kong type movies. Blood Mountain or like, something like that, like Broken Tooth, that's something that my fucking accountant gets. So they're like, oh, let's go up to that mountain that we never go to, and it might be housing a monster. We heard pre-tale

of a monster in this cave. Because there's, there's an uneasy truth an uneasy truce, I apologize between the Transylvanians and those filthy fucking Turks. Right. I have to spit every time I say Turk in this movie because I'm so disgusted with them. You're missing the ground. That's my foot.

And so they're like oh, you know, if whatever did this is in that mountain, we need to be able to pose a case because we don't want to start a whole war with the Turks, which will clearly lose because they're actually the Ottoman Empire. What? Shut up. Right. It's like, if it's a monster, that's one thing.

We'll take care of it. We'll call the Ghostbusters. But, you know, if it's these Turks, we don't want to, you know, start a war because we barely got out of it by the skin on our ass the last time. Yeah. So they go up there and they meet a vampire played by Charles Dance. That was our Game of Thrones reference. Although, apparently there's two other games of Game of Thrones actors in this movie, including the kid who plays the sun. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of bearded dudes in this movie that could be in Game of Thrones and not be in Game of Thrones.

Yeah, so, you know, here's Charles Dance, prestigious actor Charles Dance playing like. I guess what you're to believe is the O.G. Vampire. Like, this is the dude who, like, you hear pre-tell in storybooks of a leader who, in order to, like, protect his subjects or whatever, made this truce with the devil. And he's a no, he's more of a nosferatu than a vampire, because he's like, he's a monster. He's very monsterly looking. Yeah, there's nothing sexy about this Charles Dan's vampire. I mean, there's very few. No, he's a very sexy man. He's a handsome old fella. He's a person. He's a person. prestigious looking person. He's a silver fox.

So, you know, he kills a bunch of Luke Evans folks, you know, and they like kind of, you know, shag ass out of there. But while we're there, we get one of the dumbest things that this movie does, which is vampire cam. And it's like, it's basically night vision

goggles, like blue night vision tinted goggles, where they can see the heartbeats of things. You know what it reminded me of, though, is the, uh, in the Dark Night when he's looking at the high-rise. Oh, right, yeah. His Bat Vision?

I hope you enjoyed the Dark Night, Chris, because you're going to get a lot of that in this movie, too. No. No, not really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of Batman. This movie's like one-third Batman, one-third Spider-Man.

And then, like, a lot. There's an annoying amount of Spider-Man. It's outrageous. And then a lot of what? Sorry, I cut you. Oh, no. What's the other ingredient in here? 300, because again, it's just like, oh, those filthy Turks and blah, blah, blah,

so he goes back and like we go back and finally what everyone paid a ticket for is to watch Dracula the loving father right it's him like bouncing his kid on his knee and I mean we can get into Luke Evans now

I don't think that he's a I actually think he's better in this than he is in the Raven which he's absolutely atrocious in he is the cop character in that movie yeah right I mean that that's a that's a fight for another day

whether that's a worse movie than this but like he's holding his own he is holding this movie. To his credit He's not bad. But he doesn't have a lot of screen presence. He doesn't have a lot of charisma. He doesn't have a lot of what I want in a Dracula. And he never

gets to be Dracula. He's just like this dude named Vlad who's just tried to be a good prince. Right. Well, you're glad the fucking impaler. You're supposed to be a leader. Like, that's the thing is you do need that... He's retired, Chris. Yes. I apologize. No, and that's... He suck up the dragon costume.

That is the biggest problem with this is all you hear about is that stuff I used to do. And I'm like, no, do it. Do please do it? But honestly, do you think like, fucking the day after Patton, like, gave it all

up, he just lost the like, do you really think he was just like, nah, I'm going to take it easy, maybe this is James Taylor? And you're right, Andrew, because that's the problem with this movie. It's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because we're post-flat the impaler and pre-Dracula the entire time

he never goes full on Dracula. Maybe at the end, but not even then. The epilogue of this movie, he is what we know Dracula to be for 38 seconds. If that. Yeah. And the rest of the movie, he's just a dude trying to make it work at this crazy Transylvanian world. And nobody wanted that to happen. And don't call your shit Dracula untold.

Like, honestly, if you made a movie that was like just called Vlad the Impaler or, you know, Vlad the Paranormal Impaler, I don't know, something like, something like that, I would be more okay with what this movie is, but don't sit there and give me this dumb-ass middle-ages movie and pass it off as a Dracula story. I don't care that there's vampires all over. And it's a war movie, too. Like, that's the whole, like, the politics. Like, who can give a shit? Well, that's the other thing, too, is you have these gigantic battle scenes. You have Luke Evans. All I'm thinking about is how I really just liked the battle of the five armies. I just watched that. And I think, That is far in a way the best Hobbit movie. And, you know, I'd rather be watching that than this, it's a fake, it's a fake all of those movies. You know what I mean? It's just a knockoff of all of that stuff. Or just, again, Game of Thrones, I'd rather be watching half of one of those seasons. But that's, I guess, what this Banks on is like, you like that stuff, right?

Well, then you'll probably kind of maybe like this. So it's, it's Vlad is a family man. And his son's a real, you know, like, wuss of a kid. And the wife is, you know, oh, you're back from the battlefield. You're such a great husband and father. I love you, Vlad the Impaler. Here's a question. It's the middle ages.

Where is he getting these ab exercises from? Like, is there, like, you know, like, when people, that's, that's a thing that we have a problem with in this, this time. Because the bodies that we're creating with all of our, like, crazy supplements and new crazy ways to shock our muscles into things. Right. are not natural bodies. They're not naturally occurring, like, dudes that are big. Like, you know, like, Vlad the Impelor is probably a big, burly dude or a muscular guy, but, like, he did not have abs and those weird bones between your pelvis.

I would think he would be more period accurate of, like, George Went played Vlad the Impelor. You know what I mean? All you see in this movie are men, like, eating roast pigs, like, suckling roast pigs, you know? Yeah. It's the bone. Where is the brown rice that he must be eating every day? His quinoa, Blad the Impelor's quinoa salad. Yeah, it's just distracting.

But, I mean, those are the movies. That's nothing we're going to, you know. And so that's what's going on here. And they keep having these, like, PG-13 sex scenes where it's like, it's the worst of all worlds, which is just annoying kiss-smacking noises for like four minutes. Steve's just sitting there like, come on, let's get to it. No, but I just get to it. I've gotten to a point. I guess maybe I've watched too many noise.

watch too many movies where like kiss-smacking noises just grossed me out at this point that yeah I mean we could tone that down honestly we could just not do it at all like I could see them kissing

I don't need to hear it I mean imagine it's a thing where someone's watching it they don't put that in in like the folly room and someone's like what the hell are they do it it looks like they're kissing but I don't hear anything are they breathing into each other's mouths Are they telling each other's secrets?

I can't understand it. So, oh, God, it's disgusting. It's disgusting to watch you do that. It's repulsive, it's what it is. So we're having a big feast because it's Easter. You know, it's the day the Lord has risen from the dead. You know, can we lay this on any thicker here? And they do an almost okay job, but they never pay it off.

It's like, he doesn't believe in God at all. And he kind of hates God in general. You know what I mean? but they never, ever, because they want you to like it, so he never says that, but he kind of just, when his wife's like, oh, Easter's tomorrow, he's like, oh, fucking great. It's kind of like, I want her to watch the game kind of thing.

Yeah, because he wants to go horseback riding with his kid. He's like, of course we can go horseback riding. And she's like, now it's Easter. And he's like, and later on, though, when they get to this like monastery hold that they're at, you know, he is seen praying, but it is kind of like a, hey man, if you just let me get through this. You get me through this one little weekend when I'm Dracula.

Yeah, maybe I'll think about being a better Christian. Look, I know I just, you know, talk to your sworn enemy and everything, and I'm now under his purview, essentially. I'm under his books. But could you just keep your, you know, right eye open? So a bunch of, you know, Turks walk in, and they're like, oh hey you enjoying your nice Easter that's fantastic Dominic Cooper has decided that he wants a thousand of your boys

see you later which by the way walking into a huge room and just announcing I need thousands of boys yeah well it's this whole thing too where he's like now now the Sultan promised we would stop doing that we would stop making boy armies we would stop that I've got a letter here from himself hold on let me find it in my pile.

And then he's like, and the icing on the cake is because he's a Turk, but we're doing English accents all throughout this world. Everybody's British. Why can't he talk like Dracula? Why can't he do blah?

Hello. If he's doing a Belagasy impersonation this whole movie, one more star. But here's the thing. Luke Evans already had a month where he had to learn those two lines of Hungarian. They're speaking bad Turkish is what's going on.

And listen, don't do that. Because here's all that is. is. It's English, English, English throughout this movie. We're not bothering with any Romanian whatsoever. Yeah. Okay. And then when the villain walks in, all of a sudden he's speaking a weird, evil-sounding

language poorly. It's also something that drives me absolutely crazy, especially with a lot of recent thrillers and fantasy films. Is that authenticity. Is that they really push it like this movie, with all the history that they're not

really talking about, but are sort of talking about, and these little fits of, you know, actual other tongues. It's like, well, we're kind of act. This could have happened. And I'm like, man, you're a Dracula movie. I came here for Dracula in silly Dracula stuff. Yeah, that's the biggest problem with all. That's like the thesis of this episode.

I came here for Dracula. What's all of this? What's the war movie? What's him as a father? What's the family values of Vlad the Impaler? It's, wow. if you could what's next honestly like Hitler the dog lover like why are we trying to make this dude like some great guy I don't understand it and why is it better that he's a tragic villain why can't he just be an effing villain that's a villain because he's a villain yeah I didn't want to be Dracula circumstances brought me to this point where I'm Dracula same thing with that awful Hannibal rising movie I didn't need to see Hannibal versus the Nazis oh I totally skipped it oh my god these the Nazis are doing it and the Nazis made it him, like, eat people.

They taught him how to do it. Oh, are you kidding me? That's what happens in that movie? Yeah, it's a bunch of horse hockey. Because who cares? So, like, yeah, the term 1,000 boys gets volleyed around a lot.

And so, you know, they come in, they bust up this Easter dinner, and they're like, come on, man, I'm trying to eat here. Totally. And also, you know what, write a letter. Or maybe come, we'll schedule a meeting with my secretary, we'll have a nice little closed chamber thing.

We're having a feast here. Totally. It's one of our high holidays. And so he goes, I'm going to settle us with the Sultan tomorrow. So he rides out by himself and like the Sultan and him used to be best buds, you know. Because the whole thing was, Vlad himself was a product of this thousand boys situation. Yeah, sure. Where he was Dominic Cooper's father, the old Sultan, you know, his like prize pig.

And he went to go live with the Sultan and grew up and fought alongside them and yada, yada. So he's like, yeah, you know, uh, He's like, are you serious about this thousand boys thing? And he's like, yeah, I'm kind of serious. You know, like, we got a quota. I'm sorry. Dominic Cooper, or Dominic West, Cooper? That's Cooper.

Cooper. Yeah. Dominic West is McNulty. Yeah. Dominic Cooper, who's Howard Stark, younger Howard Stark. Yes. He has fashioned himself a haircut that puts him right smack in the middle of being a member of Interpol. Yeah.

The band Interpol, not the agency. just have him be a long-haired weirdo like everybody else. Well, that goes to... Or a shaved head guy, a complete skin-shaved head. One or the other. Or this goes back to Luke Evans. Luke Evans is fucking shaved clean this whole time. Man, I looked at a picture of Vlad the Impaler.

The man had a fucking cigar mustache, like thick-ass... You mean like an illustration of... Well, yeah, an illustration. Like a portrait of Vlad the Impaler. And he had long-ass hair. And this guy looks like he's on the cover of, you know... Men's cosmopolitan. He looks ratelier in those Hobbit movies than he does.

He does. He does. And Dominic Cooper's haircut. It would take a month for a Turkish barber to do this with a pair of scissors. Like what could you? You need a trit. You need a buzzer to get it. Turkish barber makes it sound like there's like a series of bad jokes to be had.

Steve, real off some of your Turkish barber jokes. I'm not saying to do that. It sounds like a series of jokes. But, like, to do that, like, the fade on this guy is pristine. Oh, I mean, it's like an Arthur Avenue cut. That's a Bronx joke. I mean, it's so impossible that he would have this haircut. And he's just rocking at the whole movie.

And he's like, you know, yeah, my wife has been giving me shit. We need a thousand boys. You know what I mean? We took a bath last year. We need a thousand of your boys. I do love how, like, pragmatic Dominic Cooper is about the whole situation. He's like, well, you know, I mean, business is business. A thousand boys.

Also, though, I mean, you see the amount of people that travel with Vlad as he leads them away from the Sultan and to safety and this and that, there's not a thousand boys there. What are you putting him on layaway? Is he like, hey, hey, get fucking. I need a thousand boys. Well, no, that's, it's a cycle, you see, because he asks for a thousand now. He's only got 300. And now he's got to give him another 300 next year. Oh, yeah, then there's interest. Yeah, now the interest. What's the Vig and a thousand boys? my minimum monthly boy payment to make sure that I can get through next month. But the greatest, but this is

the thing, and he's a bad negotiator this Vlad the Impaler, because hey, here comes, you know, somebody busts into your town says, I need a thousand boys. Apparently he has the thousand boys, not willing to give it up. So now, now that's the thing, when you mess with these credit card companies, man, you go in and you don't have enough ammunition.

Now you come out, oh, and live even more, because he's like, now, you know what, now it's a thousand boys, and your son. He comes back with worse interest and a shitty magazine subscription nobody wanted. Because his argument is essentially, oh, come on. We used to be friends. I called you brother. Doesn't that count for anything?

Of course not. It's the Ottoman Empire. No, it's, uh, that's based on blonde. Something you'll learn a lot about soon. Blod. This is the mafia. He's like, he's kind of like Robert Patrick and the Sopranos. You know what I mean?

Just that sports goods store? He's just trying to kill himself on that pool table. That's the end of the draft. this Vlad the Impaler movie that I would want. Exactly. Also one of the most unintentionally hilarious things that show ever did. So he's like, all right, well, fuck it. I guess I have to give you a thousand boys. And my son, yeah. So we cut to the exchange and it's like, it's like your son first.

Like Dominic Cooper's hard on, like the first and foremost part of the hard on is to get the lad son by his side. The most unintentionally hilarious line of this whole movie is. So, like, the only, he does, his two tactics are, come on, and, you know what, just take me. I'm worth a thousand boys. Yeah. What does that mean? That's a loaded statement. I'll do your work. Your dirty work.

I'll do it all for those thousand boys. I'll say this. I know that there's a couple of entertainment journalists that listen to this show. If you ever get to interview Luke Evans, just bring up casual. like, oh, I heard, I have here in my notes that you're worth a thousand boys? Would you care to elaborate on that? Like, in what's the metric then?

In what capacity are you worth a thousand boys? Just so I'm clear, post-Hobbit thousand boys or pre-Hobbit thousand boys? Because I think your stakes can go up now. I think you're at least 4,000. Four thousand new bi young men. So we're at

this standoff. And, you know, the Sultan can't even be bothered to come himself. He sent some minions out. And there's like This one head minion that's been given Vlad shit, like, since the Easter dinner interruption. The famous Easter dinner interruption. I'm shocked that this happens because... Are you? A little bit.

A little bit. Because what happens is they're doing the trade-off. Right. And the first one they want, of course, is the boy. Right. And the son kind of, like, balls up and is like, hey, man, I'll do it. Fine. I just got to become you.

Yeah. He knows, he knows, like, oh, my dad did it. And he's a great man. And so this movie says, you know, I want to be my dad. I'll suck it up and do it. It's kind of like summer camp also because he's not going to, he's going to be like just raised in the Sultan's house and like, yeah. And you have to eat some great food, I guess. If the Ottoman Empire happens to go back to war with this tiny ass faction of Romanians, you know, he'll probably have to fight against his own people.

But hey, you know, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I mean, like, who thinks that's going to happen really? It's definitely happening. And the education in the Ottoman Empire, my God, much better than it's something. a backwater fucking Romanian donkey farm where he's going to be where he's going to learn nothing about nothing.

If you want to learn a lot about donkeys, I mean, if you want to become a donkeyologist, you know, a Romanian donkey farm probably sounds pretty good. They have the top donkiologists. But that's a

PhD I'd love to just have. I wouldn't do anything with it, but just to say it's because then you'd be Dr. Donkey. so fucking dumb um so he goes right so there's a negotiating party they're here to take the boy and like just at the end of it as if it's not enough that this guy ponied up his own son and a thousand boys i'm sorry don't you mean don't you mean donkeyed up his own son donkeyed up his own son for the slaughter right but this guy's got to give him like a a dick slap over it dude he talk shit to this guy on he's just like wow i really didn't think you'd be this much of a fucking pussy

i thought you were flad the paler not flad the bend over you know it's like dude you know what man it's been a rough week it's been a week okay first easter dinner is interrupted let us not forget that that shit happened then i got a molested by a monster also let's not forget that happened. So Vlad's like, oh, okay. And he bends over and he's like, he calls him a chicken and he's ready to do everything right

and so he calls him a chicken. He's like, what did you just say? Nobody, but nobody calls me a fucking Romanian donkey pussy. And so he's like, run back to your mother and he just starts killing people. It is breaking

necks with Gerard Butler all over this movie. He's stabbing people left and right cutting heads off but this is a pg 13 movie so there's not no blood splatters no like really good gore although man i will say two forearms dropped to the floor that's pretty cool yeah the first guy negotiated of course because they get away with some good pg 13 action in this movie is good pg 13 action yes however it's got to be art it's just got to be like it's got to be i mean it's not a movie where i'm tuning in to see you hit an orc in the head with a sledgehammer like you're just killing people. Yeah. I need to see that. It's a movie starring

an impaler. Come on. It's a movie starring Dracula. Also, come on. Where's the blood in my Dracula movie? It's so terrible. So then, like, he impales, like, the final dude, and it's like, what have I wrought, you know? And it's like, well, guess we're going to war with the Ottoman Empire. Everyone back to the castle! Yeah. And he goes, you know what? Honey, I'm going to figure this out. She's like, what are you talking about? He's like, I got one card. I think I have one card to play. I met this really interesting guy this week. He lives

in a cave. He's an opportunity for me. It's up on the top of Broken Dooth Mountain. He's part bear. He's really just a nice guy. So he goes up there to dance with Charles Dance. Which is something folks at home, you don't want to find yourself

in this position. Because this is literally dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight. And you know, Charles Dance is an older guy, but man, does he bench press this exposition like nobody else ever could. Like, this is Hercules and what he does. Like, watching the scene, all I could think about is

those dudes that are like throwing cars up onto their teeth. I was like, wow, the acting in this movie. Charles Dance stars in ham. I mean, he does like six pages of exposition in one and a half minutes. It's incredible. It is. You don't see him work like this on Game of Thrones.

Like, Father Lannister is like very reserved. You know, he gets fucking killed on the toilet, spoiler alert. I mean, all he has to do say, no. It's a real loaded no when Charles did. Oh, it's a big no. It's always a big no. But, like, at this one, he's like jack a hammer. It's insane.

And he goes up and he's like, look, you know, he's, uh, Charles Dent's like, no one's. He's all, the problem, though, with this part of the movie is he's got a big mouth full of Dracula teeth. And no, everyone. No one's ever a turn to the. cave in the fall. Why do we need that? No. Like, there's so much of this movie

where there's computer Dracula teeth. Yes. Just let him talk. Why put that in the mouth of your best actor? Did he have an anti-ADR clause in his contract? Like, he wouldn't re-record that dialogue?

Well, he also, they have the makeups to make it look, because it looks like he's been chewing on his bottom lip. Like, it's a fucking lifesaver. Well, you know, he's been living in that cave on Skull Mountain Man, or whatever it's called Broken Tooth Mountain.

He's got a real chap lip situation. But apparently people go up there every week and he gets to feed because everyone's like, oh, hey, that's a great cave. Oh, no. What's awesome, though, is like that first time they go up there, they really just kind of saunter on up and they're like, well, there's the cave, let's go in. When he goes up that second time, there's this shot of, he's like climbing this cliff. I was like, when did that happen before? Six dudes just walked up there in the last scene. So Charles Dance explains, he's like, oh, it seems like you have a problem here. There's literally an entire empire coming for you

and you're a small town. Okay, here's what's going to happen. You get to test drive being a vampire for three days. You get a long weekend being a vampire. And, well, hey, if you can avoid drinking the blood of a human, you'll revert back to being a human.

And, you know, we'll call it today. We'll just walk away from this situation. But if you feed on another human being, you take the curse of the vampire and I get to strut on out of this cave. to buy this Hulu Plus membership for an entire year. And it's kind of like going to

yeah, it's like going to a time share for the day to get like free tickets to something. Yep. He gets the hard sell. Totally. He just gets, he wastes a whole afternoon with this vampire. Man, going to that stupid brother's cut. What's this?

What did I just take? Right? I mean, that's what happens. Charles Dance breaks open one of the many skulls that are laying around this cave. and uses it as a bowl to, like, you know, dump his blood in. He's like, just drink up. And you'll have all of my powers and none of them. Well, he does have still have the weaknesses.

You'll have all my powers for the weekend. You know what I mean? You can invite your friends over. You can use my pad whenever you want. And part of the thing is like, oh, you know, once I get out, I will, and he, like, really lays this part on and thick. He's like, and I'll get out of here. And I'll be able to take revenge on the one that wronged me.

And you will one day be my pawn in an ancient game of revenge and wronging. And it's like, Many backers will clearly pony up for after this movie. It's like, oh, my God, could you stop building a sequel to a bad movie? Could you just like, could we just have one bad movie ever? Like, why does this bad movie have to fly so close to the sequel, son? Like, it's so insane. Also, grossest part about this movie happens in this scene because he's like, like,

Luke Evans hasn't really figured out what the whole sitch is with a vampire. So Charles Dance to sort of exemplify, because he's, says he makes some offhanded comment of like oh yeah you know it's it's really tough out there it's hard out there for a pimp you know what i mean like i know what you're going through and and and charles dance is like no i don't think you have any idea and he kind of like puts a little nick in his neck and makes him bleed and then this jean simmons tongue comes out and charles dance just licks him and he's like this is what it's like being a vampire it's kind of like singing for kiss la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la like the frog from pan's labyrinth it's yeah yeah it's

It's really just unsettling. It's so disgusting. For what? Dracula never does this. Charles Dance doesn't do this again. It's just like, hey, let me turn it into this monster for half a second. And he unhinges his jaw, much like Will Smith's devil. Right?

This thing just flops down and this long snake tongue just comes out. He turned you to Freddy Kruger for a second. It's really, it's a Freddie Kruger thing. Like, I thought he's going to put his whole head in his mouth. So he drinks the blood and he's like, you know, he burps and he's like, all right, now what? And he's like, now you die. And I'm like, oh, here comes Dracula. But here doesn't come Dracula, Andrew.

You would think it's Dracula told we're 30 minutes in. Now he's got the Gavorka. He's going to turn it to Dracula. And it's going to be great. And like maybe it's going to make him evil. He never actually loses his shit. He's the regular same boring dude he was before. Yep.

Now with Dracula power. He is aroused by one vein. Yes. There's a single vein that really gets him going. Yeah. Well, he wakes up in a field and this is very Spider-Man. This is, oh, my God, I could do what. Like, he's, like, having fun.

I was waiting for a woo-hoo. I was really waiting for a woo-hoo because he's, like, like, a super jump woo-hoo. Yes, because he's doing, like, all sorts. I could hear these animals. I could do this. The rock. Well, that's his first thing. He wakes up in, like, a stream.

And he's like, what? And he goes to, like, lift himself up off this rock. And he goes to steady himself. And the boulder just collapses. And he's like, well, that's useful. There's a lot of weird lines like that that he has. Like, well, that's kind of cool. Yeah.

When he goes to the mountain, what he says to the wife, when she's like, what are you doing? He goes, I know what kills Turks. Vampires. So, yeah, but it's this thing where he's like, he hears a spider, like, putting a fly into its web from like 100 yards out. He's got the vampire cam. He sees, like, squirrels and, you know, deer and everything. heartbeats miles away. And the problem with these setup scenes

all the time, every time, is that they're so much more efficient and powerful when you introduce them, because once you're in the action, it's just too much to think about. You don't want to have to really think about actual powers this guy would have. Right. So, like, him crushing that rock, like, just by steadying

himself, essentially, to me, means he could destroy the planet in about five days. Exactly. Like, he's superhuman. Also, we can't forget this. as he drinks the blood and like dies or whatever Charles Dance the first of two times in this movie stares off into nothing and goes Let the games begin

First of two times The exact same line is aired And the less annoying of the two I will say Oh hands down Who in the in the theater on opening night Was like woohoo yeah dance Let the games begin because this is totally made up but useless.

Probably lots of people. Sure. I have a feeling this, if not popular in the theater, this is a, this is a Blu-ray movie. Oh, man, oh, it's only $13.99 at Best Buy. It looks stupid, but I liked it, though. Well, it's, it is a very big, it looks stupid, but I liked it, though. It's actually a pretty modest hit.

It was. Over internationally, mostly. Worldwide, it was over $200 million. Oh, come on, everybody. Come on, the world. Yes, yes. The global box office. Was there nothing out that weekend?

Did you really not want to see that new paranormal activity movie that badly that you went to Dracula untold? This is what they do to you, man. They force you into these positions. Well, I have to go to the movies, and it was the only thing playing. Couldn't just see Boyhood again, huh? No, no, no, no, no. Can't do that. So, yeah, he doesn't woo-hoo, but he turns into a pile of bats, and he's like, whoa, awesome.

I know Bat Fu. Yeah, with great bats comes even greater more bats. So the Turks attack the castle. We have cannonball cam in one shot, because if it's something I've always wanted to follow, it's a cannonball. And everyone's like, oh my God, you know, first, it's kind of great because they're all like, you know, this guy,

they say a thousand boys, we can all kind of live with that. You know, honestly, we're super impoverished, having one less mouth to feed, not the end of the world here. And now we got these Turks breathing down our necks. And then this guy goes on vacation? Yeah, he totally bounced on us, and we're getting a tack cannonball cams coming at us. He comes back, and he's like,

we must stand up and fight for our rights. Everybody stay in the castle. I'm going to Dracula out outside. Everyone, no one look outside. He literally says, like, don't go out there. You really don't want to see what's going to happen. It's spooky out there. Stay in here.

I'll handle everything. And then he proceeds to turn into a bat tornado and wipe out this army of Turks. like hundreds of dudes are slaughtered in like within the hour he takes out this army and if that's the case man keep on going all the way back to the sultan first night i'm killing that i've got three nights that's what i you realize the day is totally shot you know what i mean you're in a coffin you're in a cave you're in whatever the night is all you've got you might as well get it done in the first night i mean i think it's a thing where dracula just needed a day planner yeah like map out your itinerary it's just it's such a real curve awful, you know? It's like, if you just thought this out in advance, dude, you could have taken out this Sultan. That's his problem, though, is I think he's a little too passive-aggressive. Like, I think he's like, look, I'm going to kill a thousand of his guys. He's not going to want to go up against me after that. Right. It's just silly. And then the guy sends 100,000 guys after him. Well, that's what was great, too, is there, like, word gets back to Dominic Cooper. Real quick for medieval times. Well, you know, I think they've got, they've got some sort of pigeon system working in this movie that's never really explained. Yeah, some pigeon. And just, yeah, some pigeon. And they're like, hey man, you know, they took out your thousand men.

He's like, well, then send $100,000. I'm busy. And I was like, dude, that's a lot. Like a tiny village took out a thousand people. Don't you want to see what's going on instead of just sending 10 times the amount of people? Weren't you almost positive that that thousand people would have taken that entire place out? Yeah, you thought this was a done deal. You were laughing your balls off in your cast.

about this. That stupid Vlad thinks he can stand up to me. I'll send a thousand guys and really fuck them good. They actually came to him with 10,000 guys. It's like, no, no, no, we're not wasting 9,000 guys on this. We're putting 1,000 in the field, and that'll be it. Or, you know, penalty is asked, you know what, now it's 2,000 boys, okay? You know, that's it. 2,000 boys at your wife. You're forcing my hand here, Vlad. Totally. You're playing hardball. I'm going to come back. I'm going to come back over the top. So Vlad's like, all right, so they know where we live now, you know, we got to get out of here. We should relocate to a different area.

So then we just start walking for a little bit. And I was like, speaking a Hobbit movie. Well, this is also very weird because he's like, okay, we're going to take, we're not going to take the whole of Transylvania. We're going to take most of it so they know that we left, which is his very weird line. Oh, that's what it is. He doesn't take the whole town. Because think about it, if you're, you can't fit all. All of that into a monastery.

Right. Well, yeah, because it's a big tease again. He wants them to come back. He wants this, the Ottoman Empire. Yeah, just come back. Tease him in a little bit. You know what? We're going to make them come to me.

It's like watching your dad fail buying a car. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about it. They're going to come crawling back to me. Dude, the only thing you know for certain at this point is that you have the ability to fly. Why not fly to wherever the fuck? Mehmet the emperor is Domina Cooper is

Yeah the sultan And just fucking do it I don't understand this I really don't Well yeah he And literally the rest of the movie Is him being like Come on

Up the mountain Up the cave And like let's make this harder For my people Just just honestly kill everybody If you can kill A thousand guys in a night You can kill

You really if you wanted to push yourself Kill 100,000 guys in a night Come on You could really work at it Because he doesn't get tired He doesn't need to rest He's like He's standing on that battlefield

and they're all dead and his soldiers come up like, hey, we heard a racket. What the? Oh, wait, what, did you? And nobody asks a single question. They're like, wow, you really lucked out, Vlad. That's pretty cool. I guess you had none of us help you do this.

So you've learned out of summon fire. Yeah. How? Well, you know what? It's better to not ask questions in this situation. And we're going to take tomorrow morning off. Yeah. Vlad's sleeping in a little tent because they start moving.

in the night and like his wife he's got a very healthy sexual relationship with his wife you know oh yeah for an impaler for an impelor saraghan from uh enemy enemy enemy enemy and cosmopolis

she's in several uh croneberg movies and cronembourg's son's movie there antiviral or whatever it's called oh yeah uh can we talk about the like the renfield surrogate in this movie this guy sucks dude this guy sucks so hard. He is dressed up like Captain

Jack Sparrow, this character. Down to the eyeliner and drunk swagger. It's ridiculous. Yosef Pachuli, you mean? Who? Yosef Pachuli is what I've been calling him. Oh, I thought that was actually the name. No, that's not his actual name. He just looks like a burnt out hippie.

Also, why do I need that, though? The Renfield, like, mastered character, that's Bram Stoker's thing. You're doing your darnness not to have that. And this dude comes out of nowhere, and he's like, wouldn't you like to feed? And you're like, uh-huh, just say it. Come on.

And this dude's like dramatically pausing while he's cutting his hand. And he's just like, master. And I was like, oh, oh, oh, because he's a vampire. And you, sir, are no Tom Waits. Oh, yeah, please. Oh, absolutely not. You're no Tom Waits. You're no, you know, anyone who's ever played Renfield.

You're no Peter McNichael, honestly. Absolutely right. That is a Renfield. character. And it's literally like comes to nothing. This dude does something at the end of the movie, but that's it. Yeah, but he basically attempts him. He's like, get out of your dick.

And he's like, okay, bye. You get out of that fucking junk. I don't want him that shitty blood scagg around. And that's the thing. It's like you would think, like his whole thing is, okay, a bloodlust, right? If you're killing a thousand dudes, you're not getting a bloodlust. The only time he gets a bloodlust is what he's, like, trying to have sex with his wife. And like, like, Chris says her vein starts calling out to him.

He's like, oh, yeah, that's sexy. And he's like, wait a second. I'm not into that. If you're taking out a thousand guys, right, you're telling me that not one of them is getting lucky with a steak through the heart. Yeah. Come on.

Or even, like, by accident, he cuts somebody's throat, their bloods everywhere, it gets in his mouth, like, up, up, up, up. You know, exactly. They've had worse accidents in outbreak with Morgan Freeman.

You know, come on. Or blood in the eye like Brendan, get the fuck out of me from me. You know, come on. That is one of the most aggravated dad yells in that movie, all Brendan Gleason in 28 days later. But honestly, if he is not coming out

of this battle, look, I'm like, Carrie? Yeah. I don't believe it. And what about covering your character in blood, dried blood, whatever, makes that movie are? Like, is that why you're not

doing that? Like, he has to be soaked to the bone in blood. And just like trying as hard as he can not to lick his fingers, right? He's like, oh man, it's like me at a KFC, like, don't do it. Well, and that would even be cooler if that was the way he did give in. If he was covered in blood and then he just like licked one lip and that was how he gave in. That's how he did it.

And that's, this movie takes advantage of the audience's knowledge of vampires and doesn't make the characters who are newly experiencing vampirism find these things out. Like, yeah, he should be like, ah. Like, oh, say, mm. It's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know that he wants this. You know that. The character doesn't have to know that, but you know it, so it's fine. Now, the rest of you start cleaning up these bodies, because when the Turks show up, this is going to be a problem. Well, he totally does like a, you know what, guys, I did all the killing, but it has to be my trademark.

So you get all these corpses up on big, big old spikes. I'm going to go back to the castle and have. intercourse with my wife. Yeah, he has like the stage crew show up and like set up for the next act, putting kisses stage together. I do love the idea of him like going down to the spearmaker and spearmaker be like, in a day. I need a thousand spears to hold men up. That's like a week's work man. But then he starts doing his vampire powers. He's like, oh, let me show you how to shave some wood. He's just making a bunch of spears. Turns into a bunch of bats. They're all shaving it down.

Making some spears. The mice and Cinderella. This sounds evil. It takes it way too long to realize that he would really do well with some vampire helpers. Yeah. You know, like that's step one is let's get some vampire helpers together. So the wife finds out what the deal is, right?

Because they're, again, they're like getting ready to get down. And she's like, why isn't your back horrendously scarred like it's been for the last 15 years and he's like and then he's like sleeping with this silver ring around his neck maybe it's a thing where he's like you know the burning sensation will like make me remember but also dude you're sleeping on that thing all night yeah

it's like barney gumbull sleeping on the conch shell i mean that thing's it'll burn right through you and also chuck dance at some point makes it what is he your next door neighbor chuck dance i mean he has thrown a barbecue or two he's not bad on the grill welcome to my barbecue, Christopher. And she liked cherries, oh.

Oh, how generous. You brought tostito chips. And some saucer, too, Chuck. And one six-pack, when I know you drink at least six beers and one sitting. Go sit down, Christopher. Oh, calling me Chuck again. How pleasant. I mean, I just assumed you'd have some, you know, a 30 rack around here. Ah, yes, a 30 rack.

Of course. Chuck dance Goes to the local AMP and grabs a 30 rack of Bush, the suitcase. He gets the suitcase. I want it, the full one.

I assure you kindly cashier, I won't be consuming any of this. It's strictly for my guests. Mainly this one party animal that comes over every time I have a gathering. Oh, what does it that he like? Do you have

a beer pong balls? trust me it is very inconvenient he had another request not not the golden orios yes that's right i believe the ones no one likes so chuck dance uh yep chuck dance makes a point he's like get that shit out of my face because even looking at silver pisses him off and agitates you right So why have it even on you at that point? If that's the case. The line is very chuck dance. I believe it is cloak your silver.

It defends me. Cloak your silver. It offends me. You know what? Just say put it away. I don't have to cloak anything. Put it away. La-di-da.

Get it out of here, Romeo. And, you know, so he kind of gives her the scores. Look, I'm going to be Dracula. I'm going to be really moody for three days. I can't go in sunlight. And this is one of those things where I like my vampires the second sunlight hits them they're done for. You know what I mean? Like that's the way I like my vampires.

You can really stay. You can have an afternoon out if you're these kind of vampires. It's just kind of inconvenient. I mean, these vampires, you could like run out to the mailbox and grab the paper and like get back in. As long as you had a bathrobe on, you're fine. That was the thing that Buffy always pissed me off is like you would sleep. stand under like an umbrella and you'd be fine for the whole weekend it's like you know what no no no yeah they buffy and angel both relied on like the as long as you're in a shadow thing way too much

angel in like that first season had the dipshit detective mobile with the tinted windows so he can drive around a lot of parking garages in that first season of angel well and it's all just like easy outs to like because well it's such a pain in the ass to have to have all these night scenes i'm like no i'm in dracula movie i want night seeds dude i should not be seeing the sun until the final scene. And it adds nothing to your movie, by the way. Having daylight battles and all this stuff doesn't add a thing. And it's gross the way they do in this movie because it's just like bits of skin just flaking off. It's disgusting. It's like you're starting to cook up chicken. You know what I mean? It starts to change color and it's like, oh, that's kind of gross. It's like dandruffy chicken is what's happening. As disgusting as that sounds. She's like grossed out and he's like, look, I'm going to hang out in the tent all day. Tell him I got a migraine. You know what? I will meet you guys later and so they do and like the problem with this movie is in the beginning of the movie they do a really piss poor job of establishing Transylvanians right because like there's

all these other dudes I'm supposed to give a shit about that I never ever do and that's what's annoying too is like kind of towards the end of the movie like there's one guy who like all it is is like you remember by visual cues like that's the old man that's the woman with the big eyebrows that's the guy with the beard yeah so like at the end when they're like helping him out, you're like, oh, yeah, I guess they're characters. And the one dude is like, what have I always told you since I was a, you were a young boy? And I was like, I don't know. Did you know him as a young boy?

Who the fuck are you? Are you the mailman? Like, what happened? And that's the problem, frankly, of getting all the supporting cast of Game of Thrones, because they all look the exact same. It's all like art of shaving models. And frankly, if you have like weird looking people or like distinct looking actors, like they don't even have to be big name actors

just once you're like, I know that guy from that thing. Maybe somebody that looks vaguely Romanian, that'd be fun. Or it looks possibly like they could have lived without a hair dryer. Totally. There's way too many beautiful people with or without beards in this movie. So,

the second night, Vlad wastes because basically on the road to the monastery, they get attacked again. And then there's a couple of white Turks that are giving him shit the whole time. Like, extra white Turks. I mean, all the Turks are white. But, like, they're supposed to be, like, his ex-buddies and in the core, the Green Lantern Corps there. And, you know, one of them kills, I guess,

his best friend, question mark. Yeah, he's crying over this guy. So I was like, all right, I guess you knew him. And he kill, you know, he winds up killing this other guy or think, it kind of comes to nothing. He almost kills this guy. It does come to absolutely nothing, and they make it feel like something you should. Because what he does is. This guy's basically a number two. Yeah. He would be the number two. this movie as far as villains. Yeah, like he corners the wife and son and he's like, now things are going to get fun. And then like in flies Dracula and bats right up to this guy and then like turns back into a human inches away from him and is like, abo. And scares this guy off a cliff.

And you're like, that's kind of cool. And then when the scene's over with, you see this guy climbing back up, but it comes to nothing. You don't see a scene where that guy rats on him and like gives the location or anything like that. I'm like, what does it matter then? He winds of just stabbing him later in the movie and who cares like nobody ever cared nobody cares at all so we're at this monastery and this monk this he wasted second night you save your wife okay honey

sit down I'm gonna go kill that god damn sultan and be done with this I'm really running out of time here exactly tomorrow night like who knows what time maybe I'll get a late start I'll be fucked and it's annoying too on your Dracula vacation you don't want to be doing the big thing

on a Sunday night that sucks ass like you'd rather be at the monastery, you can finally have a peaceful Easter feast, you know, without it getting interrupted? And since you can hear you know, termites fucking in the next county, why not just find

Cooper? And like he's clearly closer now since he's attacking you in the middle of this. It's a lot of him just looking in the distance and he sees all the heartbeats and he's like well they are getting closer. That's the next night. It's him just watching them get close. So he's at the monastery and he gets outed

as a Dracula. Yeah, this monk's like Hey, are you a vampire? And he's like, no. I'm just standing in indirect sunlight this entire time. Yeah, and this dude, like, cuts a hole in a sheet. And he's like, it's a vampire. And they light this fire, and they try to kill him. And he comes out, and he's like, you ungrateful jerks.

Do you know what's going on here? I just have a Dracula test drive. It's just for the weekend. Come on. And he's also like, how do you think I've been killing thousands of people in two nights? How has no one put this together that there's magic afoot here? figured it was the Lord. Yeah, there's your first mistake, by the way.

You know how everybody who goes up to Broken Tooth Mountain never, ever comes back? Why do you think that is? They don't get better jobs. They get murdered by vampires, which this town is rotten with. And why weren't you suspicious when I was the one who did come back? Nobody asked the right questions, and it just goes to show curiosity doesn't necessarily always kill the cat. Sometimes it saves the cat from a crazy-ass vampire.

The cat's getting roughed up. It's not. And, you know, like any drunk, he has a big conversation with his son. And he's like, look, Dad's going to be better tomorrow, son. I swear to God, just one more night. I swear I'm going to give it all up. I'm going to give up the ghost. The son does say something about you went up to that mountain and that's when you got sick.

Yeah, yeah, that's about it. Dad's got a headache today, but tomorrow's going to be a lot better. I promise tomorrow we can go ride those horses. Like your stupid mother wouldn't let me do on Easter. The other thing is the majesty they give this Dracula garb is just, like he's in the monastery and that's where it's housed. And the son's like, what's in that room, Daddy? Something I hope I'll never have to use. Wait, so you'll sell your soul to Satan, but you'll never put on your cool outfit again?

Yeah, you don't want to put on your Vlad the Impaler uniform? The armor that apparently is some of the best in the fucking place. That's where you did your best killing, wearing that suit. This thing apparently, I mean, like, I don't know how good the metal thing you're wearing is. But this is clearly much better. You're wearing a waistcoat the most of the movie, because that's pretty sexy and cool. Yeah, exactly. But seriously, like, come back to your home team uniform, man.

Where do you think Andy Pettit did his best pitching? Figure it the fuck out. No, no, no, no, I don't want to put it. that on. You know what? Michael Jordan wore 45 for a little while. He was like, you know what? It's time for 23 to come back, baby. That's how he won three more championships. Now with the number 45.

Which is kind of Michael Jordan's surgeon to basketball is kind of like Dracula going back to, you know. And then, and much like Michael Jordan, you know, Dracula had to stop being a vampire because of all that gambling.

Oh, that terrible gambling that he had. But, and... This is around when they do the stupid fucking, like Vlads, like, somebody brings it up. Like, oh, well, you've killed, you know, hundreds of people. You know, how can you be so upset for all the people they're getting killed now? And he does this stupid thing. And it is a dark night thing directly ripping off it. It's really good.

Where he's like, well, they're scared of the monsters. So I had to play the monster. Yeah, it's not the monster that Transylvania wants, but it's the monster that Transylvania wants. but it's the monster that Transylvania deserves. It's almost exactly that. You're damn right. You're damn right. It's kind of like that part in Teen Wolf when everybody becomes cool with Teen Wolf.

At least he's on our side kind of the deal. That's exactly what happens. They're like, I guess so. I hope he doesn't turn us into vampires. Style starts selling all sorts of Dracula T-shirts. Dracula gets the big role in the school play. Totally. He starts to act like a dick.

That's the problem. He starts acting like a dick. He starts acting like, you know, the leader they didn't necessarily want, but the leader that they deserve, because they're also a bunch of dicks. So it's like, whatever, man, like, here come all these Turks and we've got to figure it out. And there is a downright bat symphony. Like, he is conducting this army of bats and he's putting his hand up and, like, spreading them out and putting them down and slamming them this way and that way. It's in Looney Tunes cartoons, when all the bees would get really mad because Porky,

ate their honey, they would all take, like, form a shape, and form a fist, and form an arrow. Yep. He makes a bat fist. At the end, but first he finger fucks the Turkish army. And, like, man, it looks stupid. It looks

very stupid. It's like a bunch of dust, and of course we don't want any blood, and of course we don't want to really see any death. So it's just like it's like a Sims explosion. Well, the best thing is, okay, you know what's scary vampire? You know, it doesn't help when our warriors are scared. How are we going to combat this?

I'm going to blindfold my entire army. This is a real, what were you thinking situation? It's a blunder. Yeah. It is a total flub on your part. He's like, all right, I'm going to blindfold my entire army. This way you can just march forward and not be scared about anything. Except when this bat hammer falls down on you and you have no idea what's coming.

in your way. You know what? The first time I get attacked and the guy that I'm attacking turns into a pile of bats, I'm leaning back and re-strategizing. Yeah, you got to figure it out. Let the new guy figure it out. You know what? I've been here, I'm

three weeks away from retirement. This is insane. Like, these dudes just get wiped out instantly. But it was all a ploy, you see, because as he's like, as Chris so gracefully put it, finger-fucking the Turkish army. Right. I want to re-hit that one.

Yeah, that's a surprise one. Not entirely surprising. Not necessarily. The Sultan pulls the old double switch on him, and he goes up and tries to kill his whole family. Right. He assumes the attacks will from the north, but oops, from the south, there's more Turks coming in. His family gets, like, kind of cornered on a, basically, on a huge cliff that this monastery has. His other best friend gets stabbed.

You know what? How many times have I told you guys to put a rail there? You know what I mean? Like, this is why this shit happens. It's 100,000 feet in the air. How many times have I asked you to replace the slate stones on this patio? Because this woman is hanging off of this thing and the floor's just coming up on her. You know, the sun gets to safety, but she falls off.

And now we're going to do a little Gwen Stacy action. We're stealing from Spider-Man, which is him falling down. And this is written by Stanley himself. you know what I mean like falling down trying to save her he's turning into all the bats he could muster he's trying to shoot bats at her and you know what man you had a minute ago you were making bat fists and bat middle fingers make a bat blanket for your wife to fall on you know what I mean where's the bat bed of black roses man well that's the thing is he doesn't turn and that's the thing is it's his heroism bullshit yeah because he can't just turn to a bunch of bats his face has got to be there to look at her yep if he went full bat I think she'd been okay Okay. It would be fixed in two seconds. As it stands, she falls off a cliff is somehow still conscious. Oh, she's having a whole conversation. Like, she hits the ground. She hits rock bottom.

Hey. And, you know, he's like, oh, that fucking sucks. And she's like, there's still time. If you just drink from me, you'll turn into a vampire full on. And you will extend your time and you can beat this army. Oh, because the son gets kidnapped, by the way. The son is certainly kidnapped. The son is kidnapped by Dominic Cooper.

Yeah, and he's like, oh, now I'll never be able to get him now. But if you do this thing, and it kind of makes it her fault, too. You know what I mean? She has caused centuries worth of terror, apparently. Because he's just like, you know, I'm going to hang up the Dracula Spurs. Like, no, you pussy. Yeah. No, you pussy.

Eat this apple. You know, it's a real Eve thing. So he does it, and he becomes a vampire, and she's dead. And then it's like, all right, what do I have to do now to, like, take out the rest of these folks? I might need a little help from some of my friends and he just starts turning everybody into vampires which is amazing because these vampires so he's like always him right he's always got the good heart

and everything and he's like oh I want to help my wife want to do this the second anyone else tries to do a vampire in this movie they are eval and stupid they're like dissent demons they came straight out of a cave because why does and that's the thing I was kind of kept expecting him to turn fully evil. And I was like, oh, maybe when he finally drinks blood, that'll be the last straw.

And he'll be like way too evil for anything. Right. But no, he's still the same good guy. Yep. Same handsome dude. You've led to the impaler. Like, you struggling with being evil? Like, I just want to see it.

I mean, I know it's stupid. It sounds stupid. It's coming on my mouth. But, like, just have either the monster. monster or the historical monster have a minute when they're actually struggling with something. Right. No, it doesn't happen. He makes this army.

Also, when he becomes a full-fledged vampire, he gains weather powers. Because the sun all of a sudden goes in clouds so the vampires can run out because dawn has struck. So long as it's an overcast day, vampires are good to go. Exactly.

Like, this dude would have a great time in Seattle in London, in Portland, you know what mean so all of a sudden all these vampires are it's a big old fat turk slaughter it's a good old fashion turk roast right they take out this whole army and then he's like i gotta go get my boy he's in the sultan's tent and this is the dumbest thing i've ever seen silver equals kryptonite yep that's it's just it's a superman fight it's the end of uh return uh superman returns is when like he's on that he's on that kryptonite island and kevin spacey's kicking the shit out of him yeah that's what the scene is he's he's he's construed

constructed a tent where the floor is made out of silver coins and then like again just like a video game there's sacks of silver coins slung above him power-ups we would call that yeah so like Dominic cooper can hit these things with the sword and coins are just falling on him and they just have a big old silver fight and it's not really defined like it doesn't kill him it just weakens him like incredibly yeah it's just him like roasting a little bit like sleeping in a tanning bed and this goes on forever and they have a whole lot of conversation and a whole lot of fighting and the boy is kind of kind of like quaking in his boots. And he's about to stake him, even though he doesn't know what staking is. He's like, you know it kills everybody, a wooden steak to the heart? And I'm like, well, what book were you reading? There's a weird thing that they decided to do with like the lore and the special effects with this is like, when the steak starts getting close to his chest, a little hole starts opening up as like, come on, just put it right there, put it right there, the big black

bull's eye. I was like, what the fuck has that ever been? Like, why would a vampire's body make itself more vulnerable the closer a stake gets? Well, that's what I don't understand. So the, not only does he get weakened, but the armor itself? It's going right through that suit. Why would that be? It's a piece of fucking, is that Dracula? And not unlike the ultimate warrior, he can't win the fight unless he feels it from the crowd. Because he's about, he's really about to get staked.

And he's like, oh man, and his son's just like clapping. You know, and he's like, dad, dad, dad, dad. And then he's like, oh, yeah, and turns into a pile of bats and then kills him immediately. Like, why didn't you just pile of bat right into the tent and kill him? Come on. Or when you feel like you're losing this silver tent thing, go outside and be like, hey, dude, let's take this outside. Pile of bat into the tent, bat up the boy, bring him bat outside, and then be like, come on, you pussy. Let's fight out here.

So dumb. So he's dead. So he's dead. And like, Domn Cooper has been a shit through this movie. Really not pay off with this death. No, it doesn't balance out. I really needed something big like him like picking pieces of him and out of his teeth.

For a man that requested a thousand boys. He does get a real mild death. Bloodless A. Yeah, of course. It's just like a bite in the neck. Totally. That you don't even see. And he's, like, dead with his eyes open.

It's just him laying there, nothing anywhere. I expected him to blink and get back up again. So they're outside, and the vampires are like, we did it. Yeah, they saved the summer camp. They put on the talent show. They got the $10,000. Christopher Lord's got a nice little bed now. Exactly.

And they're like, yeah. And then, like, you know, his old teacher, who you tell me movie. He's like, looking good for an old man. And this guy's like, I don't feel old. And I was like, was that guy old? I don't even know. He's like 41. And like, look at him, this 38.

So he's like, the only thing now is to kill your son because I'm an evil vampire. Right. Oh, wait. Hey, that's not cool. And then everyone's like, kill your son. Kill your son. So he impales this dude, which is pretty, it's a cool. It's the sickest part of this movie, man.

This dude gets put up there on that spike and just. starts chunking away, like just breaking out into chunks. It's the coolest thing. And, you know, he's just like, the whole movie, he's like, you know, we're vampire. He gives all, he's a shit heel in this movie because he's like, you know what, these Turks took your land, and I will give you eternal life. And they're like, yeah, let's all become vampires. And 10 minutes, he goes, ew, vampires are gross.

Let me kill all these vampires. Well, this monk comes out of nowhere. The narc monk from earlier in the movie. And he's got a big old crucifix, and he's like, back away vampires. I'm going to take this boy now. And it's like, oh, I'm bumming out about that. I'm not going to see my son, whatever. This dude gets them safely away.

And then again, forecast Dracula. He just opens the sky back up. And I don't get this logic either. All of the other vampires just start chunking out like that last guy did. And then Dracula just gets a sunburn. Also, we steal a shot directly from interview with the vampire. It's two women vampires huddling together. Oh, yeah.

And they burst into nothing. I was like, I've seen that before. I've seen that movie. So, like, all these dudes that he went through all this trouble to help out. Yeah. He just then willingly murders. Oh, yeah. You know, like, that's the thing.

You see, like, vampire things all the time where, like, there's some dick vampires and then there's, like, not dick vampires. And the not dick vampires have to be like, hey, man, chill out. You know, we're like, well, we got to be civilized here. Like, yeah, we're monsters. But come on. Why do you like, hey, you guys hit the road. Leave my son alone. They'd like, oh, okay.

And they would. And they would. And they'd just be great. vampire somewhere else. Yeah, totally. Just go spread the word. Yeah, go form a theater group with Stephen Ray, see if I care. You know what I mean? Like, whatever it's going to happen. Whatever it needs

that. Go to, go to America, you know, go to New Orleans, I don't know, whatever you want to do. Run a bar in New Orleans. You make a lot of money there. So Dracula, like, fries. But he just gets a sunburn. Like, stage three cancer. He's got no hair.

And you kind of think that's it. But then here comes our Renfield fella back and he's like oh master good thing I'm still a character in this movie and he props him up on this table and cuts his own hand open and starts feeding Dracula and you see him like waking

back up and you're like ah and now this is now we're in Dracula told now he's this is what we know about Dracula and the last scene is present day I'm pretty sure it's not it's not many it's no no it's

it's 2014 2014 and his exact... There's some other thing that I don't even remember. She's like, oh, what his wife died? She's like, you know, we'll meet again. Human reincarnation, I guess. It's souls, the power of love.

Such and such, such, such, and such. And he goes up, and he's like, full on Dracula. Looking pretty good. Oh, yeah. And he's like, hey, lady. And she's like, you look like somebody I know. And she's like, hey, you're pretty hot. It's the same actress.

It is the same actor. So it's exactly the same person. She says her name is Mina. And everyone goes, ooh. And, you know, it's a total creep fest, though, because he's like, beautiful. And she's like, pardon me? And he's like, the flowers you're looking at, I mean. And she's like, oh, that's cool.

And then she walks away. And then he recites a line of poetry. And she's like, excuse me? And he's like, yeah, you heard me. And she's like, that's my favorite poem. And he's like, I know something, something previous lives. It's from, like, the game. This is like a guy who's read the game, front to back cover, and, like, is like, this is how you take this.

Yeah, she's given a tiny key in an envelope, but here you go. No, you respect me. No, yeah, you're a beautiful flower. No, you respect me. So then they kind of walk off, like, ah, eternal love. And then hearing them from a cafe table, like Michael Kane at the end of Dark Night Ride, is a fully 2014 Charles dance looking very dapper

in this suit, complete with rug like nobody's business. Oh yeah, that's like Garfield on his head. And he stands up and buttons his coat and starts walking after them and again let the games begin credits.

Oh, this immortal chess match has just started everybody. I guess this whole movie was an entire waste of time. That's why they don't show you the full death of Cooper's because he's coming back for the second one, man, and he's a vampire now. Oh, do you think so?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mercy, me. Now, can we say what this movie was intended to be? Yep. Was the start of, and this is a real thing. Sure. The start of a Universal's Monsters' Avengers-type movie.

That's what they're trying to do. That was the idea. That was the idea. That's still the idea. It's not. out of the question. So wait, so this is the first is I. Frankenstein?

No, not I Frankenstein. But there's a possibility, you can read it on Wikipedia. Something, something. The mummy. Yeah, there's where Dracula would roll up in a mummy movie. And then like Mr. Werewolf. I mean,

dude, the possibilities are endless. Yeah, Dirk Werewolf, the movie. No, but and I guess it's like what? Like you said, Steve, like Charles Dance is the Sam Jackson character? That's what they said is that Charles Dance's gross. Quote unquote master vampire character would recruit

a team of supernatural who gives this shit. For what? For whose benefit? I mean if you're... For the immortal revenge, Chris, he needs not just a vampire, not just a vampire, but a mummy, a wolf man. What is Charles Dance getting revenge against?

He made a deal with the devil. He worked out pretty well with 2014. You've got a rug on your head. You're doing okay. But what What good is it to arrange a team? Who are you fighting? I don't. Well, that's just my point is it would have to, like, the Kraken?

I don't know. It's all this horseshit, though, that Charles Dance is spewing in this movie about my chess game of revenge. Revenge against what? The devil? Go after the devil. Dude, don't bother human characters. Oh, my God, I just figured it out. It's Monster Squad.

They're going to make Monster Squad again, and that's what they're going for. Maybe that's where it's all coming from. Wolfman's got balls. Yes. I mean, everybody loved the Avengers And everybody loved those Marvel interrelated movies And that's all great You know what can't be that

Anything else I know stop with the Tide-in universe shit It only worked once And that worked out once Because it was lightning in a bottle Honestly like that they got lucky In 2007 with the Iron Man movie Like hey you know what we could do

In the second one maybe do this other thing And it snowballed And they pulled off a really good Avengers movie And this next one looks really great But to start that now, what? In 2025, I'm going to give a shit about Dracula, the Wolfman. And you're telling me, I mean, heaven forbid, but you're telling me Charles Dance is going to be leading them 12 years from now. You know, the actor's not an immortal demon, right?

I don't know. Have you seen The Golden Child? And Last Action Hero. I was going to say, have you seen Last Action Hero? Would anybody recommend Dracula untold? Absolutely not. But it's really, I mean, to me, it's just not, it looks like garbage. Oh, yeah.

A, number one, it looks like garbage. B, I think the story's stupid. And like, you give me nothing of what I like from this kind of story, and I don't even like this kind of story. Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree. There's no horror. And that's the thing is, like, the director, Gary Shore, was like, look, if you're

looking for a movie that's got horror elements and this, go somewhere else. And I'm like, no, dude. Okay. You're called this movie Dracula. But on the other hand, okay, I'll go watch the Todd Browning movie a thousand times before I go watch this again. Honestly, I'll play the Dracula untold video game because it looks like a sick-ass Castlevania rip-off. I mean, yeah, it's a no for me. And it's also the kind of biggest crime.

And again, I do think I Frankenstein, since we've got Dracula v. Frankenstein yet again. I think I think it's a more fun movie. I think it's a more watchable movie. I think it's in the annals of bad movies in 20 years we're going to still be talking about I Frankenstein. no one's going to remember what the fuck this was. Yeah, that's absolutely true. I mean, I can't wait to do like some sort of group screening of I Frankenstein. Like, I can't see this serious, dramatic, romantic family man take on Dracula being fun for anybody.

Nope. No. If you're going to make a shitty movie, make it a fun shitty movie. I agree. Get some gargoyles in there, if you don't mind. Yeah, this movie could have used some gargoyles. Oh, please. That's Dracula Untold from my movie.

the previous year 2014 directed by Gary Shore. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website. WHModcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. What are these like monster things feeling like to you? And it's already out. And if you don't have our app, you should go get it and you should go find this on your band camp because

we are extending the worst of 2014 theme to animation damnation. That's right. That's show's getting poisoned as well. And it's the worst thing I've ever seen. It's the Simpsons Family Guy crossover. Still haven't seen it. Oh, you lucky son of a bitch. And you got out of it, too.

You were supposed to be on it. I was wiggling out of it. Stupid scheduling conflict. I'm going to my death with this one. Good for you. I'm really, I'm calling it. I'm going to death without scenes. You and Harry Shear made out like bandits this whole deal.

And don't forget, gang, we will be in Cambridge, Massachusetts at the lily pad on Saturday, March 21st, 8 p.m. Be sure to visit WHM Podcast.organtaportickets.com to pick up your tickets and find out more information about the show and the venue and all that good stuff. And we will see you in Cambridge on the 21st. Clue for next week's episode. I will say Frankenstein's Monster. Frankenstein's Monster. You know, don't think about that literally. No, no, no.

The Frankenstein's Monster. We'll have Steve explain that to you in the episode starts next week. So until next week, when we dissect Frankenstein's monster, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Steven Sadek. Take it easy.