We Hate Movies - S5 Ep188: Sabotage

Episode Date: January 27, 2015

On this week's episode the gang goes undercover with Arnold and the rest of his crummy DEA friends in the super embarrassing, pee-smelling crime drama, Sabotage! What is with all these ridiculous nicknames? We're looking at you, Monster! How hilarious is it when Arnold tells off that fat guy? And what on the planet Earth is with Olivia Williams' accent? PLUS: Indy got in the fridge for feminism! Sabotage stars Olivia Williams, Harold Perrineau and The Team: Arnold Schwarzenegger as "Breacher", Sam Worthington as "Monster", Joe Manganiello as "Grinder", Josh Holloway as "Neck", Terrence Howard as "Sugar", Max Martini as "Pyro", Kevin Vance as "Tripod", Mark Schlegel as "Smoke" Jennings and Mireille Enos as... Lizzy; directed by David Ayer. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. program. Thank you for tuning in as always. I know it's going to be a good episode when Steve is just laughing at me doing an intro for no reason. Hey, tune this. And that impression indicates we are doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. It's a film from last year. It's called

sabotage. It's directed by Suicide Squad Helmer David Ayer. And, uh, Training Day and End of Watch. What? Yeah, he directed Training Day and End of Watch. No, he did. I'm sorry. No, they flipped it on you because it's like from the guy who brought you training day and end of watch. I think you wrote training day and he probably directed end of watch. Oh, that's entirely possible. He directed Fury with Brad Pitt. That's right. Tank the movie. It's kind of one of those things where like the Judd Apatow thing, you don't even know which one he directed and which one he didn't. Oh, yeah. From the guy or from the guys that did the thing and brought you this. What a terrible credit that is? what from the guy who brought you yeah from the guy or the guys well because it's so casual and hilarious because they just have so much fun making those movies well that actually got me recently with the the black hat poster and i was like from the man who brought you the insider well i was like well he's just producing that and i was like oh no oh no i was like nice try black hat michael man did direct oh is it going to direct a chris helmsworth movie i was like oh wait yeah that That can fall into that category of, like, sexy hackers.

He's a sexy hacker in that movie. Maybe him and Sandy can team up and, you know, do something. Get 3.0. Get the hack back, man. Yeah. The net 3.0. Get Sandy back to the franchise. There is a 2.0.

She skipped it. Yeah, she did. But we should eventually we'll get to it. Oh, I'm sure we'll be watching it for something. But here today, we're talking about the most recent, Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Which is sabotage Which is kind of like

Based on a mystery novel Like loosely based on an Agatha Christie story What? Yeah, which is hilarious No, it's not. Yes, it is. Well, I think they're reaching.

I'm sure they are. Agatha Christie's writing about a bunch of juiced up fucking DEA agents. Man. I don't even know where to begin with this. Eric, do you have a place to start? Well, first, I just want to do another quick credit. This is actually written by Skip Woods.

Oh, right. Who did Swordfish, previous episode and previous episode. Another day to die hard? A good day to die hard. I thought that movie was called Another Day to Die Hard. No, that's probably the next one. That's where he's like, you know what? Find another day to die hard.

I'm just going to watch TV. Or a better day to die hard. John McLean gives up the booze, starts eating a lot of, eating a lot better. Perhaps this, perhaps today is a good day to die hard and it's Wharf. And like, there's terrorists that are inside the Enterprise and he's like in the vents. Oh, yeah. Like everyone's detained but the security guy.

I feel like that was an episode of Next Generation. Maybe not necessarily Wharf, but there was a lot of crawling around in the vents on that show. Was he wearing a tank top? I will not put this tank top on. It's not very honorable for a. Klingon to wear a tank top. Then I'd have to have extra makeup on my Klingon spine, which

happens sometimes. I should clarify, because we said, we teased that I would explain Frankenstein's monster. Oh yeah, a lot of people are probably like, what? Yeah, and a lot of people out there, I'm with you because I listened to the episode because I wasn't

on it, and I was like, what? I was like, I know what the next movie is. Am I watching the wrong movie? he looks like a monster in this movie Arnold Schwarzenegger So many surgeries He looks like he's been patched together

By from a bunch of different Arnold Schwarzenegger Yeah there's a couple of different Arnold Point O's in this movie You know what he did? He killed that replicant in that Terminator Salvation movie And took his skin and put it over his body I think he may have gone into the plastic surgeon With a picture of him

With the cartooned him from that movie He's like, just do this, make me look like this. But Arnold, you don't have any facial features. It's just kind of like a, it's a CG. Exactly. That's where movies are going now. Use liquid metal. And plus, I was continuing our monster theme,

our unofficial monster theme of 2014, worst of 2014. I kind of think it's all, the through line seems to be damned to walk the earth. Yeah, I'm not wrong. You're totally right. and the damn to walk the earth in this case is the biggest expendables team ripoff

of all time. So we have Arnold and is like rag tag group of scumbag A, ETA, what are the ETF? D-E-A. D-E-A agents. Scumbag D-E-A. And you know what, folks, I'm not being crass. These people are scum. They're human scum. And all I can do when I'm watching this movie, which I've seen twice now,

I look at these people and I just think, And not the actors, but the characters in this film. If I was in the world of this movie in the same room as these characters, at least three of them smell like urine. Just smell like outright piss. These are such scumbags, folks. You won't see this around wherever you are. Like, there's a guy with cornrows hair, a randy weird beard. A white guy, by the way.

Yeah, a white guy. And he's called Grindr. Oh, man. The nicknames. If you look around the room you're in right now and you don't see a guy fitting that description, you're doing okay. However, if you find yourself in the room

with a grinder, get out of there. Just get out of there as fast as you can. So there's Joe Mangielo as grinder. Sam Worthington, who I did not recognize in this movie, A, because he's never had a screen presence that's memorable, and B, because I forgot he existed and C, because he looks like he's running security for Pantera

now. As monster. Yeah. He's monster. Oh, man. The tripod and hoagie In the matchbox. Well, tripod's a real one. Tripod's a real guy. And smoke and noob cybat

and Cyrax. Pyra? Well, this is crazy. It's a monster, which is because he's a monster and he kills people. And there's grinder, which is the guy who grinds up your bone and eats them. And Lizzie, which is

short for Elizabeth. Because she's a woman, and she doesn't get a cool nickname sorry lizzie played by mary elinos from the killing and world war z slum it in this movie an embarrassing role dude it is outrageous and this movie the the misogyny written into this film and like the the obsession with penises and it's insane too because this is one of those movies where that character of lizzie yeah as used is she's used as like the well it can't be that misogynist because there's a bitch that's getting in on it with him, and you're just like, Jesus Christ.

But here's why it's misogynistic, because Arnold's basically like, to be on this team, you must use your vagina as a weapon. I want you to infiltrate everything, every drug cartel and organization with your vagina. They are, I mean, that's the other thing, by the way. He does mention, they are the best

undercover DEA group in the world, right? So they're like the best at doing this. So much so that Mary Eleino's undercover like in this drug house is prepared to have unprotective sex with this drug lord because that's just the job and the whole thing is like Arnold and the rest of the dudes are

like racing to the compound and she's got the earpiece in and she's doing coke and she's fucking high out of her mind on cocaine and she's saying into the radio like you better hurry up and get here because this dude's about to raw dog it with me and I think that's not part of the job description not only that but she mentioned

while it's almost a raw dog occurring the guy mentions basically it's been they've been having tons of sex before. This is just the first time he's raw dog. Yeah, well, because she's a sexually liberated woman, everybody, all right?

Which is fine. Put it in your pipe, grandpa. This ain't your mama's action movie. No, it's not. It's not a movie I want to watch. And she's married to Monster. Don't take your work home with you. This is one of those situations where you always, like,

you hear it on like stern or whatever, like a porn star is like, my husband, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, how could that dude be comfortable enough like married to a porn star? That's the same situation with this this group. It's like, why would you bother to be married?

It's just, it's disgusting. The house they live in is disgusting. Just filth wall to wall. The first, their first lines together that lets you know that they're in a relationship is Sam Worthington's like, looks like you blew the right scumbag. And she goes, looks like I did.

And then they make out. And I'm, you know, I wanted to walk out. of my living room. I wanted to leave my house. Put up a sign for rent. Yeah, exactly. Abandoned. By the way, we start this movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger watching a snuff film.

Dude, the fucking although this is my motivation. My wife was tortured at the murder. My wife and baby daughter. Well, it's not baby daughter. It's his son. And I can't stop watching it on loop. Because he's just sitting there drinking

scotch watching his wife get tortured and I'm like yeah this is going to help you work through some shit. Smoking his big fat dick cigars that he's got and it's about this entire movie. This is Arnold's like you have to rewrite that. What's his name? Bleacher. Breacher. Breacher

smokes the finest cigars. It's like Dean Stockwell in Quantum Leap was never the character was not written to smoke cigars but he wanted to smoke cigars. That's what I That's the legend, anyway. Well, it's also the same thing nowadays with Stallone, too. Every fucking Stallone character is munching on a cigar from here to Kingdom Come.

And also shooting up GHB or whatever. It's that human growth hormone. Not GHB. That's the date rate for us. Oops. I don't think you're shooting that up. Wait, I've been doing it wrong. That's why you're not getting huge, dude.

HGH is it. Oh, that's what I meant. That's what I meant. I wasn't trying to make any type of joke. Arnold and Stallone. or beyond H.D.H. I think that they're like nosferatuing people at this point. Like they just like go to Czechoslovakia

and suck this like go to jibs and then like suck people's marrow out of their bones. Well if you notice though, after Stallone got caught with it when like after the first expendables maybe that was. He had like a giraffe heart in his bag or something crazy. He's he's definitely

like gotten small again. Because I think it's either that or that Rambo movie that did. That Rambo movie, he looks like a goddamn Monstar from fucking Space Jam. Like, he's massive in that movie. And you're like, that can't be real. That's like computers, right? I think it was after that movie. They were like,

you know what, Sly? We're probably going to have to check that gym bag. The whole force just came from seeing Rambo. And we probably have an issue on our hands. Yeah, but now, I mean, with Schwarzenegger, it's even worse because he's still doing it. Obviously, he's juiced to the max in this movie. the rest of the cast and he's like he got all this face surgery so he's just a big walking statue like he's like fucking der golem in this movie he's finally actually the terminator he did not have a large facial range uh to work with as an actor no beforehand think about the face he has

on the like the poster for kindergarten cop or jingle all the way yeah right he can't make those faces. No, you can't. He does not have a sly smile or anything. No. So, yeah, she has sex with this dude or is about to. The whole team breaks in and they raid this thing, getting ready for some call of duty violence. Everybody's shooting, dude,

the language on this movie. And also whenever anyone gets shot, doesn't matter where, like in the leg or something even. It's just like a pot of red jello flies against the wall. The computer blood is terrible, because

they can't do that right yet yeah it's kind of like when cg i first like really started amping up in like the early 2000s and they still hadn't figured out like rain and wind and shit right that's where we're still at now with blood like this is 2002 looking blood yes and yeah the language is out of control and every time we criticize language i always preface it with i know but this movie we were talking about this earlier today's team like there's scenes where there was just like shootouts happening and overlaid on the soundtrack is just like mother fuck what the fuck was that

fuck you doucheb and you have no idea who is talking you never see it you just you never see it it's not even when shootouts happen when they're all like hanging out together those scenes that give me anxiety because it's just like you know the dirt and the filth and there's like what the fuck you scumbag

hey man you're a fucking loser blah b'em fuck fuck motherfucker tripod back it's just it's so terrible and also mixed into that too is a lot of who just ripped ass like why not throw in talking about farting damn cheese farts it's like hang out with the high school football team you know what I mean yeah yeah and these people are 50 years old plus and it's the other thing where it's like they do this a couple of times where you think two people are getting in each other's faces

yeah and they're like about to beat the shit out of each other and then it's just a laugh riot and everybody's like oh i'm fucking with you good motherfucker fuck you you fuck and you're just like wow wow can everybody stop all of this those are the worst scenes in this movie oh yeah when they're all just gibbering at each other and like drinking and having a good time that's what happens when you get a room full of guys that all their nicknames end in er preacher monster oh wait we're forgetting an important it's not er it's terence howard playing sugar and the guy Josh Holloway from Lost playing neck I think they're Arnold started running out of creative nicknames

You appear to have a longer than average neck You are neck The best part is in the middle of this movie He's like he's trying to find him And he's like neck Neck, where are you? Neck! And I'm like yeah, because you have no fucking neck anymore

You monster But then there's the one guy whose name is just like smoke Jennings? Yeah, he doesn't make it laugh. He doesn't make it long, but he also just doesn't have a nickname because everyone else. You think he was born, smoke? No, but it's not like a grinder.

They're like, hey, this is smoke Jennings. That guy is always smoking over there. I'm going to call you smoke. Like, is that the origin? Maybe. You know, probably. Maybe he smoked meth a lot. Oh, that could be.

So, I mean, I guess the catalyst for this movie is a deal. gone wrong so they wind up go there's a big room full of money and it's like a breaking bad sized like money cube and you kind of don't know anything about anybody all you and you know everyone's throwing bullshit nicknames at you you know it's like you're watching one of the bad x-men movies you're like who's that guy and they they wind up shoving ten million dollars down the toilet because it's like they can't walk out of the house yeah with money on them because at the end of the day, they're still technically law enforcement personnel. So the idea

is we're going to tie a rope around all these bricks of cash and put it down the sewer drain and then we'll go into the sewer afterwards and get our money. Sure. But before they can do that, they have to take apart this shit-filled toilet.

And I was like, you know what? It's bad enough. I just had to sit through like the fart jokes and all of this going on about fuck you, motherfucker, you fucking pieces shake grinder and all of this kind of nonsense, then to just come to a shit-filled toilet. And they're all like, oh, you

motherfucker who said the toilet was going to be filled with shit! They're all like throwing up over it. And you just have to watch these two men remove a feces filled toilet. You hire a plumber and you cut them in on the action a little bit. Oh, don't get my newest

recruit plumber. Get in here, plumber. This is Mario, Mario, Mario. Mario, Mario. say hello to neck grinder. This is smoke Jennings, animal and the rest of the Muppet babies. Oh,

that's just Lizzie. And Lizzie. Sorry, Lizzie. You'll get your nickname sometime. Hey, how about suck dick a lot? Is that a good nickname, guys? Because she's a woman. They're all equal parts

of my team. So, whatever, man. Smoke Jennings gets killed. in this whole thing. Yeah. We get down to the sewer and it turns out after another five minutes

of fuck you motherfucker who fucking farted talk they discover that someone has beat them to the sewer and cut the rope and stolen the $10 million. So it's all for nothing. Smoke Jennings.

I've been double crossed by Mario Mario. Smoke Jennings died for nothing now. Can we also just really quickly because the method This movie is, this is the most misogynistic movie we've done since the butterfly effect. Oh, absolutely.

This is a level 10 misogyny, man. There's like this weird lesbian scene for no reason. It's like B-roll. Like these already characters, these two women going at it, like, are you serious? The movie didn't even start yet. It's before the I'm not wearing a condom moment. Like he breaks up lesbian sex to be like, get out of here. I'm going to fuck this co-caddled woman now.

It's just such an excuse It's just like a This is a movie for guys You know what like guys like to watch Sometimes guys just like to watch movies Is that all right? America Can't a guy just watch a guy movie?

Yeah, where a guy murders 50 other guys And then abuses a young woman But maybe sprinkle in some lesbian sex And a shitty toilet Oh, Grindr! I need you! Also, by the way, great tough guy name, Grindr, named after a gay sex app. That's why they call him Grindr.

Maybe he's on that shit on the reg. You know what, Grindr, I'm going to tell everyone else on the team, it's because you like novelty-sized sandwiches from Middle America. Your secret dies with me, Grindr. We all know the real reason why you have that nickname Grindr. And I saw your phone. So there's no E. There's no E in there.

It's an E free nickname. And then we get into someone. Swipe left grinder. So we get into like the investigation, which is more people. Like it's just like so bloated. Fat people cursing at them for five years. It's essentially, like, it's enough tough guys cursing at each other. Now, fat people are going to start cursing at muscular dudes.

Because this is all, it's all like, oh, just like the bureaucracy at the office, everyone's, all the upper management's fat jokes. Well, what they don't, they don't really explain to you because this movie is terribly put together. Like, you have no concept that, like, this team has been dissolved after this toilet incident. And all the money went missing. like you just see them interrogated and everyone berating this team of investigators which is a comically fat man and then the dude who played

he was on Angel for a little bit he was Fred's father on Angel he's in a bunch of stuff he kind of is not Gary Shandling to me like oh nice Gary Shandling's like ugly or younger brother but it's so it's these guys being like listen we're kind of sure you stole

10 million dollars where's the fucking money you pussies get out get out of my face with that

bullshit oh you want to call me a pussy but I call you a fucking

fuck face it's just going to continue in a vicious circle until somebody gives up

you you have 48% body fats just calling out this man's

obesity and let me tell you something that shuts him up it does Arnold

storms out out of the room and those two are left silent well he's just

like the guy has got some points he's like you know you're a

dirty cop son of a bitch is like, yeah, will you're fat? The same difference as being a homicidal maniac is overeating around the holidays. And listeners at home, you may think this scene sounds amazing, but it's shown on like the shittiest video

camera quality ever. Like this movie thinks it needs to do this aesthetic where you're like watching the interrogation cam like of what the police were filming on at the time. Yet this interrogation cam has several different angles and is edited.

Yeah, you got close-ups of Arnold's eyes, like going back and forth, like, whoa, did I do it? Was it Lizzie? Or was it, was it grinder? I bet it was secret homosexual grinder. Monster would never do this to me. I know monsters okay.

Monsters, you know how Monster got his nickname? Because he loves Metallica's some kind of monster. And he was watching, he was wearing that DVD out. We were like, dude, you're like monster over here. Dude, it's funny you mentioned that. It worked today. I walked by the break room, and sitting on the break room table was some kind of monster. That new movie on DVD, through the never.

Oh, yeah. 3D movie. And, like, one of their older albums, all still in the plastic casing, just sitting there all day long. Not a soul took it. That's really strange. Yeah. So what I love also about, so, like, the TV. team is dissolved. The movie doesn't tell you this. It doesn't give you a six months later. You find out six months later, it's six months takes place because of like dialogue later in the movie, but you have no idea how much time takes place. Not a clue. The credits cuts this up and it's like sabotage. But what's awesome is there's a scene where it's like Arnold is working at a desk and it's him just like hardcore filling out of these paperwork. Dude. The cubicle is just amazing in this scene. Yeah, he's got a spreadsheet and he's just got this shirt and like basically like, like,

he's still going to work and everyone tells him not to go to work. This boss is, you're a fucking joke, Schwarzenegger, you're a joke breacher. You can't even fucking, you can't even do formulas, right, you piece of shit. That's what I love in this either, because that guy like spouts a bunch of nothing and Arnold's just like, yeah, well, we'll see what the investigation turns up. And then there's like this awkward silence and the guy just goes, yeah, well, fuck you, breacher. Just walks out. It's so awesome. Also, outside of Arnold's, like, Spanish villa that he lives in,

there are these two cops, like, trailing him and stuff. And we have to have this edgy dialoguey scene where these two guys are like, I'm not going to piss in those bushes. Yeah, preacher's going to kick my ass if I pissing those bushes again. Oh, right. There's a stakeout. Like, they're all being tailed. But we don't know this because we only follow Arnold through all of this.

And, yeah, it's these two FBI agents that are, like, bantering about like the one guy's got to go to the bathroom on the stakeout and the guy's like pissing this jug and he's like I'm not putting my dick where your dick was and then like Arnold comes out like stop piecing in my bushes I'm going to work that went on for a while there's just like well I bet your dick couldn't even fit or you know your problem is your dick would fit in that thing too easily like it's like going back and forth about dick girth and you know what we never see those characters ever again and we never see their dick girth We never get a full measurement on the digs. Cinema. Show, don't tell. So, Martin, the ghost of Martin Donovan invites him it to his office and is basically like, you know, fuck, fuck, fuck, by the way, you're back on the case. He's like, you've been reinstated.

He actually says, you must have a picture of a senator, fuckin a goat or something, breacher, because you're back on the case, motherfucker. And it's like, okay, must everyone in the world. talk like this. It's, I was like, dude, you are like a commanding officer at the DEA. This, this conversation might be recorded for quality assurance. Like, come on. You're talking about goat fucking?

So he's like, okay, I'm going to round up the rest of my team who's somehow in a big house together, sleeping on bunk beds, I guess. Dude, it's like the most disgusting, the real world has ever been. Yeah. Like the MTV show, the real world. It's like hoarders. Like when those people get all scusified on those shows, just living in a house, imagine it with these people.

People named Monster and Grindr and Lizzie. Oh, my God. Just picture that you thought that toilet was full of shit before. Man, the stuff that's around this one. A couple of dudes are playing Call of Duty, which is awesome, or some like shooting game. Oh, yeah, dude, because you know what? You got to stay sharp. We might be grounded, ma'am, but doesn't mean I can't get a couple shots off in the VR.

our world. Oh man, I got this code where I could fly drones in Iraq with my Xbox. Oh, no, no, Lizzie. You wouldn't like this. You can't sleep with anyone in this game. This is for shooting only. Then Lizzie's like just boxing a punching bag that's just in the middle of this room. It's all like, I wouldn't fuck it with your dick.

How you're married to that? And I'm like, aren't you guys friends? Well, that's the thing. Everybody loves getting this close. to fighting with other people. And then you just start laughing. There's some, there's a little bit of tension because, you know, start, like, grinders starting to suspect that some of you guys might be in on that missing money.

Like, because they've had the DEA brass breathing down their necks. They're like, so we're told. We don't see any of it because it's all Arnold for 20 minutes. Exactly. But it's like alluded to, I guess. And then it's just like, a monster has a line later on that's like, like, you know what? Breacher. We're not a team anymore. That's a problem. We're a gang now. They're acting like we're a part of a gang. By the way, there is a three-hour cut of this movie. That's a no, that's a real

thing. Yeah, that's where all these missing details are. The original draft of this movie that David Ayer turned in was three hours of these idiots cursing at each other. And of course, the company was like, no. Supposedly there was more mystery and nuance. And it was more You know, more of a mystery thriller. It was closer to that egg of the Christie book. I'm telling you. It must have been dead on. Oh, here's my magnifying glass.

I'm going to follow the clues. Also, what the fucker. On closer inspection, it appears that I'm wearing loafers. Also, can't forget, in this scene, while the PlayStation is happening, the boxing is happening, everyone is smoking inside this house. Grinder is giving an at-home tattoo to Piro Yeah

And it's some like Piro Yeah Piro is the dude Piro's the dude He kind of like Mike Rowe a bit Does he look like Mike Rowe? A bit

No who's the dirty work guy That's Mike Rowe Yeah he looks a bit like So he's getting this tattoo Where it's like a skull And then like he's drawing his spine Like down his spine Yeah

Which is somehow a tattoo That is a tribute to Smoke Jennings By the way sure and everyone comes into the gag he's like oh hey grinder why you're drawing a dick on his bag and we have smokes dick that smoke jennings dick

you have respect for that dead dick but it's just it's another gag where we repeat it like four times like you know oh my god why are you drawing a dick on his back and he's like dude does it look like a dick get me a mirror and then like Arnold comes in he's like what the hell is going on in here it's like a frat house it smells like

garbage why do you have a dick on your back, and you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, Arnold, rounding out the joke. You know those, like, they say, like, oh, Scarface had, like, 200 instances of the F word or whatever. This movie is just dick.

Yeah, not only that, but it's got, like, a thousand dicks. It does have so many dicks. Like, oh, my dick, you're dick. Who's dick? Why dick? Lizzie's dick. So he's like, okay, you crumbums.

Get off your bottoms. We're going to start training now because we're back on the case. And we get this trading montage. At this training montage, I was kind of hoping for the movie to turn into this thing where it's like, come on, the DEA contest is coming up next week. We've got to get ourselves back into shape. We have to beat the red team in the obstacle course and we don't get our badges back. It would be so great.

The talent show, come on, Grindr. Basically taking like a plot from like police academy. Like do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. Way better than what this devour. Oh, Lizzie, you blue commandant Eric LaSardt, just like Mahoney did at the end of that movie. Or at least it was alluded.

They thought it might have been Mahoney blowing him, but it wasn't. No. Just clarifying that Steve Gutenberg doesn't do that in that movie. They think he does, though. So we've got like a training montage where it's like, oh, Grinder, you didn't check the corner. You're doing this all inappropriately. You're supposed to be a team. now and they like totally blow it

or whatever because someone didn't check behind a door yeah and so then that's when Sam Worthington he gives this whole speech about like you know what Arnold because he's like really bad at covering up his Australian accent we haven't gotten to the worst accent yet we'll get there oh it's really bad

and he's like he's like all right Arnold you know the thing about playing a team is it you know what we're a gang and Arnold's like wow those are some powerful words monster. I'm going to give them some serious thought before we run this training exercise again. I imagine every morning when Sam Worthington was getting ready for work. He's just

like in his apartment and like, it's all like Michael Man Blue in the early morning and he's like on the phone with James Cameron. Like, you think that script's going to be done anytime? Do I really have to do this one more day? You're really taking your time with these new avatar movies, aren't you? You want them to be perfect, I know. But I'm dying out here. It's cold out here, Jim. I'm making a fucking movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You remember him?

You know what my name is? It's monster. I don't know why. I didn't ask. What was his name in Avatar? Oh. David or something? Jeff.

Yeah. Jeff. Ted. Ted Avatar. I could have been Ted Avatar. again. I could have been that test. Does the end of that first avatar

round off with him deciding to be a tall blue squirrel creature forever? Yeah, he's like, I want to be this guy forever. And it's like this stupid magic that lets him do it, even though it was a technology. Man, that movie's terrible. Now he can interlock his braid into lady braids and have mindsets.

Hey, Lizzie, I'm going to lock my braid into you. My goatee braid, which I totally have in this movie. Dude, he looks disgusting. I mean, they all look disgusting, but he looks disgusting. If that makes any sense. Speaking of disgusting, the plot has hits a standstill because we got to go to a strip club because we work hard. We play hard. Because we're man in this movie's for men.

Dude, there is some line where Arnold's like, now we have to go. It's something like, it's not this, but it's like, let's go pray at the altar or one of those things. And he says whatever that line is, and then someone's like, strip club. Like, just so the audience was aware before we instantly cut to them in a strip club. Yes. And, like, everyone's having a great time. And it's more bebop. They get into a fight with a bouncer.

Like, how fucking white trash are you? It's because to a fight with a bouncer. It's even worse, though. It's because Terrence Howard is like, you know what? I can dance better than you guys. And he gets up on the pole and starts, like, drunk of us. And then the bouncer comes. over like hey could you not

harass and assault our dancers and then Grindr, Joe Manganollo comes over and he's like, oh yeah, motherfucker and they just get into a big beef fight. Yeah, he swipes left right across his chin. The guy goes down. I think they killed him. I think

that bouncer's killed. And then it's this dude might be dead and then it's like, well, time to get out of here, I guess. You're like how many times do they do this? You could have just done that originally. You could have just walked out, but no, you had to punch him. This is my

favorite scene, what's coming up now, is basically Piro wakes up in his trailer because this movie is exactly the white trash godfather. Yeah. Or in this case, the white trash, the fugitive.

Oh, God. He wakes up and he's like, oh man, I got to take a piss. He takes a piss, and he's like, what's that noise? I think he takes a piss in his sink, by the way. How does he? I think it's in his sink, in his trailer. And, you know, sometimes you got to do it.

It's a pretty nice trailer, to be honest. I didn't think there's a room. I thought it was an RV. Is it an RV? Oh, I guess it is. Yeah, it's a Winnebago. Because he tries to start it and it's another of the thousand. What the fuck?

Like when the car doesn't turn over. And basically, somebody parked his RV on it on trade tracks and like, I guess, glued the door shut or something. We never know. He just tried. tries to open a door and it doesn't open. And if you're such a beefcake, break the window and get out of there. Exactly. And he doesn't do that.

And he doesn't even move to the rear of the vehicle. He's just like, oh, there's a train coming right at me. Oh, no. And he's looking right at the light coming out of it. It's like, would he at least move to the end? Well, it's either I'll leave this trailer and live. Or maybe I have enough time to get my seven dust bootlegs out of here. Better wait. Save these original boots.

Maybe if I stiffen up, because I'm such a real tough dude and I stay put, I'll break that train. Hey, you know what? I'm going to stand my ground with this train. This train's not covered into my house. So he gets annihilated by this locomotive. Not surprising. And now enter, I mean, I think Muriel Enos is a great actor. She's great on the killing, and she's really slumming in this movie. yeah but olivia williams wins the slumming it holy Toledo like she long way from rushmore

she is a better class of actress than this movie could ever dream of having and i don't know if there was like a year of prep school that she needed to pay for getting the driveway done the house recited like i know people have to work but what was going on that you had to do this movie. Because you didn't want to do this movie. No, clearly not. Something in your life made you do this movie. And that is fascinating to me. And I think this is the worst

female written role of the new millennium. Like since fucking, since 2001. Since 9-11, this is the worst female written role. Because it's not a female written role. It's clearly a thing where it was just a ball busting dude like the rest of it.

And then someone, like some executive somewhere was like, you know, we better have more than one female character in this movie. The strippers don't count because they're kind of just extras. What about that lesbian scene? There's two right there. You tripped it down.

It used to be an hour. To be fair, his wife is a character who only exists in torture flashbacks. That is true. I don't see why the lead detective has to be changed to a woman. I watch a woman get tortured and murdered on

film four times in this movie every day preacher has to struggle with playing pressing play on the snuff tape to see to see his wife just one last chance to glimpse upon his beauty i mean i guess we're doing a lifetime movie fine make her a woman because she also and it's not even when she's trying to like talk up against arnold yeah it's also and and his clan of idiots it's also when she's like just at the office with her partner who's played by harold perineau also from lost and she's just like trying to do this southern accent it's like you know what why don't you try to suck my dick too and you're like wow olivia williams i mean it's a bad southern accent i think it's probably because she's not trying at all because she hates this movie oh yeah it's it's the worst accent because i have a feeling if olivia williams wants to do a southern accent she's going to do a southern accent and instead she's doing a and fried foghorn leghorn voice and it's horrible. Here's the thing. It's like I was reading about this after the fact because I find

I guess it's like it takes place in the Atlanta area. Yeah. Right. Which is the one thing I will give this movie credit for shot on location in Atlanta and they just set it there. I hate these movies where it's like we're going to film in Atlanta and for whatever reason it's passing as Seattle. I say up the Atlanta in this movie because I felt like it almost

could have been any town USA. Yeah, you don't know it's Atlanta until like the middle of the movie. She's like, I'm on Atlanta lawn for right that's that's generous with her southern accent sounding so she gets on the case and like Arnold Schwarzenegger comes is like oh no what happened to my man he's somehow gets the call he does because you don't well you don't know what his deal is like how he's getting these calls really like is it just law enforcement yeah for each other or is he in on it who's sabotaging who in this yeah does a sabotage there yeah some somewhere in here there's

a sabotage this appears to be the work of saboteur. I'm going to put that out there. I'm going to find him and I'm going to crush him with my hands. And Harold Perrinow is like, you know, is like, oh man, that's the best DEA agent in the world. You know who that is? And like

Olivia Williams to endear herself to this movie. She's like, well, why don't you just go suck his dick then? And it's like, well, congratulations. Well, you'll fit right in fine here, Olivia. You have no problem saying this line. Great. Sound familiar of another Skip Woods written screenplay

in which Hallie Barry says the exact same thing. Yep. Oh, you're totally right. Because I'm Skip Woods and that's just how I think I write powerful women. They like to throw a back in my face when I talk to them about silken dick. So they got, now they say suck a dick. Clickety

clack, motherfucker. Clickety clack, bang, bang, Skip Woods. Oh, man, my keyboard looks like a bunch of guns. I got a special ordered, man. Looks like a couple of glock tens. Every word I type is another bullet

in the heart of the enemy. And the enemy is conventional motion pictures. No, the enemy is the audience. So, she's on the case of this great train explosion. And she's like, well, I have to interview the team. Let me go

to Pyro's Memorial Service, which is at Arnold's villa. This thing is it's like this beautiful lakehouse. It's insane. You know, the whole question is, who took the money? Arnold took the money. If he's a DEA agent, he's got this fucking house that's built on a cliffs.

The rest of them live in a clubhouse together that's subpar for the real world. And this place looks like the, like Mexican cartel mansion, but it's in America. So it's worth even more. So she opens the door and Lizzie's like, what are you? The stripper get inside. And it's like, shut up, movie. it's a big shut up movies she's like strippers here

like shut up why would you hire a stripper for smoke whatever his name is smoke johnson no this is pyro now oh it's pyro's few right they're dropping like flies so

because paro loved him some strippers he remember he punched a bouncer once oh right that happened 72 hours ago and she gets into it you know she's trying to get everyone

trying to get for you know her investigation and grinder gets in her face and it's a white trash distinction of almost raping a woman at your best friend's memorial service like that's like the hat trick he would have wanted it that way yeah pyro would have wanted it that way it's this like chain of intimidation that starts with lizzie yeah like she's given all sorts of shit and the funny thing is Olivia Williams character is like listen this is an open and shut case he was drunk when we found the booze he just fell asleep

he got hit by the train it's open and shut I just have to have a statement from the last person that saw him alive like this is going to take two seconds and they're like you want to get out of our fucking face with this right now what are you trying to prove what are you trying to do but you're cops

and she's a cop like what about some solidarity and then they're like why don't you have a beer then if you're going to be here and she refuses and then they go off on this tirade i can't even recall oh what you're telling me you don't want a beer this is paro's memorial service you will drink this paps blue ribbon that i am forcing in your fucking face right now and she takes it and she's like yeah okay i'll have this beer and she opens it and spraise it in

his face and it's like he's like that's how i like it and like gets ready to do this and then arnold's like stop it this is my house stop acting like animal So Arnold's like, all right, listen, if you leave right now, because no one's going to hurt you. Yeah, they're about to tear you limb from limb for no reason. If you leave right now, I will make sure tomorrow, because she wants to talk with Neck. Yeah. He's like, he was like, I will bring you to see Neck tomorrow night. Just leave right now.

Doorbell rings. There's a woman there. and she's like... The stripper. It's the stripper. And she says something about like, oh, they don't tip very well. And Arnold's like, ha, ha, ha, get in here.

Oh, it's a stripper here? Or I put away those cheese farts. You know, can I put pause on this episode? Because we haven't talked about Arnold's stupid haircut yet. Oh, yeah. Let's get into it. He looks like McElmore's grandfather. It's like nobody should have...

No one over the age of 40 should have this haircut. He looks like the guy in a Seattleis commercial that's about to start a rockabilly band. Oh, right. Like, it's like, oh, look how young, old people can be these days. That's exactly what it is, because it's like, well, I have to be able to run with all these 40-something DEA agents. And, well, to be fair, he's got an, it's an authentic Austrian haircut. He got it looks like Jay Edgar Hoover if you gave him gamma radiation. I am now Super Hoover.

Come see my movie, Super Hoover, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, as the mutated, Jay Edgar. I am having a great time spying on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. As Super Hoover. In the Super Hoover script, they wanted to put in the cross-dressing, but I threatened to walk. You'll never see me wearing a dress. I was like, no, it's not, it's not the kind of movie where me, making, it's more like intimidation game where we put all that shit in a box

and forget about it. You mean imitation game. Oh, yeah. Although intimidation game is what they would call imitation game if Arnold starred in the movie. Oh, my God. The greatest crosswood puzzle ever

is beating Enigma. Edward Enigma the Germans have. I think that would be a tough one for Arnold because they're going to be like, are you sure he's on our side. Yes, I would love to beat the Germans. I am Alan Turing.

Kira Knightley, let us get married. I am all for this lavender marriage, Kira Knightley. It will surely benefit both of us. I will only say that I am homosexual two or maybe three times.

And it will be referred to off-screen. And it will be a huge food for the LGBT community. What a hero I am for doing this movie. Coming this Oscar season, it's the intimidation game. Oh, mercy. Anywho, neck gets stapled to the ceiling, I guess.

Oh, wow. And let me tell you, there's a couple of things that are really embarrassing for a person when you're at work. Okay? So, like, if you are, if you're, like, you know, working in, like, the restaurant business, like, you're a table server, you know, and you drop a plate of food, mercy, that's embarrassing, you know what I mean? Or, like, you're taking, you're a janitor and you're taking out the garbage and the bag of garbage just for that's embarrassing. No, that's embarrassing. If you're a homicide detective and you're walking in a house and you slip and bite it on a pool of human blood in the dark, really. embarrassing

she goes down in this movie yeah oh olivie williams just falls in this man's blood pool and she gets up and arnold's like

do you want the tissue as she's like dripping with the blood and you can tell she's so humiliated she's like just just get me out of here they hung neck

from the ceiling they skinned him it's like the predator and it's a thing they're like, oh, like she makes the connection. Oh, well, I've noticed that you're accused of ripping off this drug cartel. I know

a bunch of the drug cartels that nail their victims to the ceiling or to the wall or to the floor. She had seen the video where he yells at the fat guy. It's just, it's my favorite part of the movie. You could actually search on YouTube. I think it's like Arnold Schwarzenegger yells at

fat people or something. It's a good time. You know, Arnold yells at fat. You'll find that's a good that's a good combo um and i mean we kind of just skip forward uh who else is because really i mean the reason this is based on the edict the christian novel is like and then there were none because like every scene somebody's getting killed or like right this big mystery about who done it who done it it's a real arnold schwartzonager who done it sabotage, an Arnold Schwarzenegger mystery.

By the way, the Beastie Boys refused to let their music be used in this movie. God bless him. Which I love it. Adam Yowk in his will. And before this, too, before he passed away, the Beastie Boys always did this. But in his will stated that forever, in perpetuity, the Beastie Boys music would not be used to sell things. So they wanted to put sabotage in the trailer. And it was like, nope, you're barred from doing this forever. which is, that is some beautiful integrity from the Beastie Boys, man.

God bless. But I just, what is that meeting like, right? It's like, so listen, we know that you famously never allowed anyone to do this. But, well, it's for the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Yeah, get out. No, no, no. Hear me out. We've got the posters done on everything.

We can't go back on, we can't go back on sabotage. It just had to be sabotage. Even though that's not really what's going on here. Yeah, and it wasn't the original title either. It had two different original titles I read. Which were? Ten. Good one.

And Breacher. Oh, Breacher. The movie. Well, I star as Jack Breacher. Jack Preacher. Oh, you know what? They barred us from using the rights. But unfortunately, Mr. Yalk forgot.

about the karaoke rights. I will sing it now. I'm telling all y'all. He sabotage, right? Right, audience? It was the it was the best loophole in a contract I ever

found. I don't know. I mean, this is the seat, this is my, so she's like really up against this investigation. She's like, she's suspecting Arnold because he's always there at the wrong time, et cetera. And Sam Worthington

shows up. goes like you know there's something you need to know about arnold there's this really cool backstory and it's like this useless thing about how his wife and kid were kidnapped and killed and his son is in one scene where he's like i love you dad and he's like oh i love you too son and isn't there is there or is there not the tossing of a baseball there might be look we're father's son that's all it takes to create the bond. You get the rest of the idea. And his wife obviously gets kidnapped

and raped six ways from God knows one and murdered. Don't worry. They do specify all of that garbage. Oh yeah. They tell you everything. Oh, they took her eyeballs. They say that the cartel mailed pieces

of her to Arnold. And the son. Yeah, of both of them. Pieces of both of them for weeks on end. You know what? USPS, stop that shit. Like, you know, like, honestly. Another, another delivery for Mr. Breacher, another blood-soaked envelope for you. Have a nice day, sir.

Whatever meat club you signed on to is really paying out in spades. You know, it's hot today. Your shipment of, I'm guessing, Omaha Steaks. Oh, they smelled so good on the ride over. I think they might have cooked a little. No, it's just my wife's leg. and then they sleep together which is like I mean this

the only thing we know about this character is that she's a hard-nosed investigator and she just wants to get the job done et cetera et cetera because she has no other character traits poor Olivia Williams is naked in a pool for five seconds there's like a topless shot this is the most terrifying scene

in the movie because like night swimming already kind of freaks me out but now I have to contend with If I'm swimming at night, at one point, Arnold Schwarzenegger may mysteriously be standing on the side of my pool. Because she just is like swimming and drinking wine, by the way, very dangerous. Perfect time to breach the subject. And it's just to, like, then she's in a bathrobe in the house.

And she's like, you know, that story that Monster told me earlier, well, it got me incredibly aroused. Because there's no other explanation. No, it does. And, like, he looks like a monster. He looks like Frankenstein's monster. Yes, he does. He looks like Adam Frankenstein. Although not as good.

You know what? Actually, if Arnold Schwarzenegger played Adam Frankenstein in that movie, way better, more accurate, too. It would have been better. He's like, yeah, that dude is made from a bunch of different dead parts. And Arnold knows cheeseball, you know? that card wandering around lost you know you should switch the two roles because honestly Arnold doesn't belong in this movie that's like the biggest problem is like it just doesn't belong in it it's not the kind of role that Arnold can play anymore no you know what I

mean like because on at 70 years old he's not doing this kind of work anymore no he's not it's it's called mandatory retirement gang you're not running around with the DEA at 70 years old breaking up cartels. How about take a page from Eastwood's book. Start directing these pieces of shit. You directed that dumb-ass movie Christmas in Connecticut. You can do it again. Yeah, he really, I think he failed hard on that one.

And he never, he never went back. But he needs to get back in the directing chair. It's just, like, that's why I think the movie, what is it, the last stand. Yes. That's a way better, like, twilight of his action superstar career, our old movie.

That is when I sparkle. Because that's like a, here's a dude, he just wants to be a small town sheriff, like, no funny business. And the funny business comes to him, and he has to do something about it, like, against his will, kind of. This movie, this character is, like, seeking this shit out. And he's the best of the best at 85 years old. Exactly. He still continues to be the best of the best. At least have it be a thing.

There's not one mention in this movie of I'm getting too old for this shit. Why don't you retire, old man? Like, there's none of that. Lizzie, hold my teeth. I'm going into battle. I'm going to bust into this crack house now. Please take my dentures until the door is breached. Oh, I'm at Olivia Williams' house.

Good thing I had my Cialis today. Also, he definitely goes over there solely with the intention of having sex with her. Oh, sure. There's not even any kind of like, I thought of some new information about your case, and I had to rush right into your backyard to tell you. There's none of it. that but he's also playing both sides

because the next scene like I guess what did he put a bug on her or something like they find out they find a lead in the case about where the cartel might be because they're they're convinced it's the cartel at this point right and they they're gonna breach their own house with the SWAT and he's like

not on my watch I'm gonna get the gang back together yeah what is that like she like calls him or something because they're like he's like I've got to batadop like they're like boyfriend girlfriend or something We are now officially in what I like to call a long-term relationship. So he's just like, oh, let me know when, you know, stuff's going down.

And then she does. And then he's just like, grind her neck. We're going. My girlfriend told me where the next bust is going to be. Let's suit up. Let's ruin her credibility immediately. We just had sex 12 hours ago. It's time to start ruining this woman's life.

What's awesome, too, is the morning after. Because to this movie's credit And maybe to Olivia Williams' credit Or also possibly this is just a deleted scene Because it was 48 minutes long There's no actual sex scene in this movie They don't even kiss, thank God No, it's like...

I wish I saw that, you know? Do you think... Yes, I do, because it would be weird and different. Do you think she said no To the whole... Maybe it was in the script or... And she was just like, I'm not doing a sex scene with Arnold Schwarzen.

Maybe that was the tradeoff. All right, I'll take my shirt off in this pool you can get that if you want you fucking pervert but I am not touching that man it's in time I mean who knows any of these things is possible it's all in play but the next the next scene is

Harold Perano picks her up for work yeah and she comes out and like he sees Arnold's truck or like because he doesn't see Arnold I don't no but he just know and he's like did you definitely have said you did well here's your coffee and our

relationship has changed forever oh by the way, you're off this case and you're under investigation because you just slept with a suspect. Enjoy that. You think that this dude may be murdering his own team and you slept with him. Bad decisions got the best of you. This movie needs

like an amusing end credit sequence where it's sort of like Ferris Bueller's Day off where you get that scene of Ed Rooney going on the bus at the end in the credits. Her like just like not giving a shit walking around writing tickets on cars. Oh yeah.

She's been demoted. She's just a meter reader. Yeah. I mean, at the end of this movie, she might be in the slammer. I'm not, I'm not lying to you. Yeah, I mean, you know, we'll get there, but it's entirely possible.

It's just this long scene where they're just busting into houses and, like, harassing people. Yeah, it's this whole, like, neighbor, it's like a housing project that they're just running through from, you know, house to house, sometimes killing people that draw on them, leaving the kids alone, thankfully. But again, it's just another scene of,

get out of the way, motherfucker. her hey lift up that bed you fucking fuck face and it's like 20 minutes and she shows up and she's like what the fuck you know and like and then grinders like clean up an aisle three well yeah it's great because like they're looking for the specific cartel which you can tell about the tattoo or whatever right they killed it this gang like in this horrific shootout and then someone it's like oops no tattoo and they're like oh well bye we're walking out of this huge homicide talk to you later and it's so awesome It's, I, I would like to put out there that this movie alone could fully stock a brand new, a 100% brand new Arnold soundboard for the internet. And one of my favorite ones that would have to be in there is like, they're all walking out.

Yeah, Grinders like, hey, clean up on aisle three, the rest of you pig cops. And then they all walk away. And she's like, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, just, you know, our job or whatever it is. And she's just like, she's like, how do you even, like, think that you can do this or on whose authority or whatever? He just goes, I'm a fed. See ya. It just walks away from her.

Left to clean up this blood bath. Because as Terrence Howard points out, they killed six people for nothing. For absolutely nothing. But no repercussion. Like, are you kidding me, dude? Like, you just went in here and murdered all these people? There's a, guess what? That investigation is back open.

Yeah, totally. That fat guy that you harassed, he's got something else to do again. You're going to see that guy first thing tomorrow morning. The fat guy and his weird-looking partner. They're both back assigned to the case. And then at this point, Olivia Williams starts putting it together that somebody on the team, it must be doing it because it isn't this cartel for some reason. And then, like, immediately they, they, which Lizzie and.

Sugar. And Sugar revealed themselves that's the villain. So they're just like, by the way, in case you're wondering, it was the black guy and the woman the whole time. Spoiler alert. This is a great screenplay. Oh, those are the first. They reveal that they're sleeping with each other.

Yes. They have this big, like, we're going to meet in the middle of the night. And they're like, so who's doing this? It's clearly one of us. It could be any of us. You know, who knows what's going on. Grindr has to throw in a, is it you bitch? And it's like, oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God. All right. That's how we're talking to everybody. And then she's like, I don't know if this is going to help the situation or hurt it. But while my husband, Monster is here, I've also taken a lover with co-worker's sugar. And then it just launches into this tire. You motherfucker, you motherfucker, man, brer, brer, ma, man. It's the Jerry Springer show.

It is. That is exactly what's happening. Dude, you should have hired Stone Colds to Boston to play Steve the bouncer from Jerry Springer. Yeah. Why not? How did Stone Cold not in this movie? That's a big problem. This is a movie where Stone Cold Steve Austin plays Breacher.

That's believable to me. Yeah. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger. I could believe Stone Cold Steve Austin running around with these bunch of animals. Not Arnold. Not a 70-year-old Arnold. Who's that crowd? Why isn't that ever coming up?

Yeah, well, because he's the boss. And he's John whatever, probably Calhoun or some bullshit. John America. I read that this was like the fourth or fifth. time he's played a character name John. Oh, really? Yeah. It should really be a Johan. Yes, it should. My favorite John by Arnold

Schwarzenegger. That could be a fragrance or... John by Arnold Schwarzenegger. It smells like blood and shit. It was John Matrix in Commando. That is a really... Mr. Matrix. Hello, I'm Mr. Matrix. I'm your

substitute science teacher for the day. You got it. any great war stories? Yes, I have a few. At this point, you know, Lizzie and, you know, Lizzie and Sugar are now outwardly killing people. A grinder

goes to the cops. And like, you know, Arnold, again, is this, he bounces between, like, being this woman's best friend, Olivia Coleman's best friend and not. So she's like, Olivia Williams. Olivia Williams. Olivia Coleman is definitely not being in sabotage. Thank God

for that. American breakout out opportunity or no. Yeah. So there's this diner and then Grindr gets shot in the head and it's like who cares? Well yeah, but it was guess who the Trigger Man was?

That's when I think they reveal. I don't think they reveal in the parking lot scene. It's when Grinders like all right, I'm going to tell you bastards everything. Step one, I need some tequila and his brains go all over this diner. And then she keeps fucking pumping them full of bullets. Yeah.

Like Arnold's like, get down, lover. And then it's like, oh my God, who's doing the killing? And it's like Mariel Eno's with like a sniper rifle. And she's really just blasting him. It's just this corpse that just keeps getting hit. This is the most interesting scene in the movie coming up, which is where Lizzie kills a monster. Oh, my God. Because they're like, you know, it's told in this movie jumps around a lot.

So like it's Olivia Williams and Arnold investigating their house. They're like, what's wrong? What's going on here? and you cut back to what happened, which is Lizzie accidentally cuts his throat and puts him in a refrigerator turning that upside down, by the way. How so? Chill out. No, women in refrigerators, that whole trope of like...

That's a trope? Yeah, well, it's like a thing that it's a meme on the internet about like how shitty movies are and how shitty, mostly comic books are where... And it's exactly this movie, which is like women are only used to make male characters feel more like... Like, their death is, like, is only to service a male character's growth, which is exactly what happens to his wife. Uh-huh. But they flip it in this where she, because in a comic book, in a great comic book, actually. Wait, wait a second.

So in comic books, a common death for women is to be tied up and murdered and thrown into a refrigerator? No, it happened once, but it was kind of, it was an, it's a, it's a symbol for what happens a lot in comics. Well, you know, my girlfriend got killed. My wife got murdered. Yeah, exactly. And then it'll make me go forward and be a. cool dude. Which is what this movie flips on its head. And you know

what? Indiana Jones 4 almost did that. Unfortunately he somehow lived. I'm going to get in this refrigerator for feminism. Talk to you later. I would love it if that movie's just like, Indiana Jones is dead. And it was because of a nuclear refrigerator.

And then it's like cut to the Marion Ravenwood movie. Yeah, where she's just, she's dealing with it. She's like, oh man, I've got to get revenge for Indie. That would be great. That would never happen in a hundred million years. I know. Aliens couldn't make that movie. By the time

in that movie he got into that fridge, I was like, oh yeah, nuke it. Oh my God, just end this year. Yeah. So what I love again, and it's just amazing moments of Olivia Williams being terrible in this movie, is they do the

cross-cutting between like the argument and them investigating the house, which I think also happens on another occasion in the film. Who cares? Um, but Arnold opens the fridge and it's like the elevator and the shining. So much flood. And she does a really good like, her holding back vomit is so hysterical. I wish it was like eerie music and like slow-mo blood like filling this dirty floor.

Cut to a kid with a moppet haircut screaming. Yeah. But you can't hear the scream. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Listen, if you in your life, especially if it's just like a few days before, hilariously slip and fall face first into a pool of human blood, seeing blood fall out of a refrigerator, not going to induce vomiting. Sorry. If she doesn't do it in that instance of coming face to face with blood, seeing some of it fall out of a fridge is not going to do it.

No. But she's like, she's a homicide detective. She must see death all of the time. This is just a quiet, sleepy town here in Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah, you're right. So now we're the last act of the stupid fucking movie. God. And, you know, Lizzie calls Schwarzenegger's like, hey, we have to meet for some reasons.

Like, hey, good idea. The movie is getting a little long. Just imagine what it would be like if it was actually three hours. This movie is an hour and 49 minutes, which is ridiculous. And so he's like Oh why don't we meet in the parking garage And so Lizzie and Sugar are like

Damn he's smart Oh man he's good He's a genius Oh my God A parking structure Which is actually what he calls him Yes please meet us in the car park Which

Terry Tarant has maybe Five lines of dialogue in this movie And I keep forgetting he's a character It's so ridiculous And again Maybe this is a victim of the three hour cut maybe sugar had a whole other arc we just never saw like sugar going to the store yep sugar going to the bank maybe go to the doctor maybe there's a whole strip tease routine

in that scene that gets cut down like death proof yeah Terrence Howard dances for Kurt Russell oh no I think Steve met he dances for Lizzie yeah but it would be great if stuntman Mike was there well this is a little weird but i'll take it he's just gonna kill you anyway you know this would be such a better movie if stuntman mike was in the background eating sloppy nachos sloppy strip club nachos like in every single shot he's somewhere in the background it becomes like a too many cooks thing i'd love it oh man they have a big shootout i have a shootout they're like they're well they criticize arnold because they're like oh he thinks he's so

smart a parking garage is like a perfect place for an attack kind of a thing we better kidnap somebody so there's like this like hostage situation for two seconds none of it comes to anything then we have this huge car chase yes through the streets of Atlanta and it's a really bad car chase

you barely see anything yeah it's boring like this is the this is like this is your big ending action set piece let's get to the finish line and it was the I thought it was the most boring one yeah the dullest part of the movie because the majority of it is showing what Mariel

Enos is doing and she's just riding in the open trunk of the sedan that they're driving. So all you have to do is have these like close punches on her you don't see anything. I'm looking at the trunk of a car for most of this car chase. And she's do she's terribly over the top here. She's like screaming

and just spraying this machine gun at Arnold. I think she's particularly terrible. But I do think this movie is 10 times better because she's in it and Malin Ackerman is not who actually dropped out of this role. Yes, she would be worse at this. Somehow this movie

could, gentlemen, this movie could be worse. It could be three hours long, Malin Ackerman could be in it. Terrence Howard might be doing a strip tease. I didn't think it was possible. My God, these numbers just don't add up. This movie could have been worse. But they're right. I have it all right in front of them.

Terrence Howard gets it. My favorite part of this thing is this urban cyclist, Like this hipster, like, gets hit by Terrence Howard and, like, covers his whole windshield. And, like, there's blood everywhere because it's this movie. His glasses are everywhere. It pops like a balloon, this guy. And, you know, Terence Howard can't see and drives right into, like, a tow truck, I guess, or whatever.

It's like, yeah, some sort of flatbed truck with, like, an empty bed. And it's my favorite kind of thing. He gets impaled. Dude, it is my favorite kind of movie death where someone is driving a car and they drive it into some. It's usually like a logging truck, you know, or like a pole falls off the back of a freighter truck and goes right through the windshield. This is like, he does that duck like the Blues Brothers do. No, the whole top of this car is cut open, like a sardine can getting the top ripped off of it. And Terrence Howard is just all over the street.

He's like, next time, baby. It just gets destroyed. It's so awesome. And so then, like, you know, she's kind of shot in the backseat. Arnold pulls up, like, what are you doing? Why did you do it? Come on, let's get some good exposition out here. And the whole thing is she says, like, one of you guys stole my money, and I just decided I'm

going to kill all of you. And he's like, I stole the money. I took the money, Lizzie, you idiot. Come on, Cohegan. These people need air. Dylan. And so Arnold reveals he needed the $10 million, because he wanted to. wants to go back to Mexico and use the money as a resource to help find the guy who killed his wife and son, who he keeps, I have to stop watching the snuff film. I need closure. My wife's in the refrigerator somewhere. I need to find the. And then like Olivia Williams pulls up and it's like before anyone knows what happens, Arnold just murders Lizzie before she starts like talking too much or whatever.

And the most misogynistic Coop de Gracie is this character that we've been following the whole time. It's like, why? What happened, Arnold? What are you doing? And he just goes, why don't you be a good little girl

and be quiet? And walks out of this movie. And that's the last time. That's the end of the movie for Olivia Williams. That happens to her. And then the last we see of her? Because then Arnold slips away. And Harold, how could he slip away?

Yeah, dude. He puts a fucking invisibility cloak over him. himself. But he just like, it's literally Arnold Schwarzenegger the actor backing out of frame. And then he's out of the movie. Yeah. Like movie law dictates. He's gone. It'd be great of like, uh, some cop

calls him like, like, yeah, we got to read on that 80 year old Austrian guy that's built like a, like a truck. But he's got long hair. Uh, let him go. It's not him. Not the same guy. Oh, he doesn't have that hip rockabilly Seattle's hair cut. No? Okay. You know, this guy's actually

also built more like a brick shit house. so I don't know Maybe it's not But so then Like Harold Perrinow shows up And he's like What happened here? What happened in this movie?

And then she's like Oh well Richer'll tell you all about it And he turns around And he's like Reacher where's Reacher? And she's like what? He was right here And then her line of this movie

The thread of her character Ends with her being berated By Harold Perano After being told to be a good little girl And shut up Harold Perno is like, what the fuck did you do? What did you do? Where's Rieger?

What the fuck is wrong with you? And you're just like, well, you're being berated forever. That's the end of your character. It was such a jarring and terrible end of that character. I kept expecting her to be in the end of this movie. Like, because what happened to the 15 minute epilogue? Dude, stop it with his epil. He slips away to go hunt these guys.

She should be hunting him. No, that's what I thought was going to be. Like, at the end, like he gets them, but then she gets him. And it's like, oh, wow. So my next note is Mexico, why? Dude, it's a bad boys too. Like the movie's over with. Yes, the movie's totally over.

And now we're just going to Mexico for no reason. For just like a five-minute rampage sequence with Ardle just... It's not even a good rampage sequence. It's kind of just a rip-off of the end of Unforgiven a bit. Yeah. He's wearing a cowboy hat. That's probably as far as the rip-off goes. No, that's not true.

Arnold in this cowboy hat. Let me tell you something. Here's the thing about cowboy hats. If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you need to have a cowboy hat that fits your head. It fits your body. Right. So in the case of Arnold Schwarzenegger, wearing a normal person-sized cowboy hat is one of the funniest things you'll ever see. You have to go to a Mexican restaurant where they have a big cowboy hat on a bear and then take that. Like, you know what I mean? He should have been in a sombrero. He needs a sombrero. A regular old. old cowboy hat is not going to cut it. It looks like he's wearing

like Woody's hat from Toy Story on his huge body. You didn't take it from Senor Moose or something and get it off of a cartoon character and put it on your watermelon head. So watermelon head kicks in the door of the Mosaisley Cantina here.

It just shoots it up. Well he follows one guy into the bathroom who is the guy that was torturing his wife because I guess he basically just throws all this money at this Mexican official Like, where is ta? Don't they're just putting like stacks of money. Kay?

Just stack some money on this dude's desk. And he's like, would that's all I have? So you're either going to give me the information. I'm going to take all this money back with me. So that's where the $10 million comes in handy. And he basically follows this guy to the bathroom who's about to have sex with this woman. Obviously, do we get more nudity here or no? No, no, we don't.

Oh, wow, it's surprising. It's very surprising. Boo. Boo. Hey, hey, I didn't get those cheese farts for nothing. He winds up. So he throws her down like a sack of garbage

and beats this guy up for five seconds. And then puts a gun on his head. He's like, and the guy's like, you know what, man? In perfect English, even though this guy's a cartel member. He's like, I'm the last man that ever had your wife. And you're always going to know that. Which is kind of a sick burn in the situation. It's kind of true.

like it's one of those it's one of those characters it's kind of like um what's his face in the the departed uh ray uh whatever his name is winstone ray winston it's that same kind of character where it's like you have such a disregard or ambivalence for your own life yeah like this guy he's not begging for his life no he's face first in an ice filled urinal about to be murdered by arnold schwartz and he's like you know what man i fucked your wife deal with that when I go to the grave. And he's like, well, and I love how he takes the high road here. Oh, yeah, he certainly takes the high road.

He's like, well, I could, oh, man, it would be such a good chill out. Right, if he's on the urinal ice? That's a way more appropriate chill out than Mr. freeze. He should have peed on him after, too. Oh, yeah. Well, he's like, well, I could have killed your family, but I'm not like you. I'm a real hero.

I just killed 41 people that were my best friends for no reason. And then that song from Drive, a real hero starts playing. You have a real human being. And the real hero. See, they did not license the karaoke right. So I get it. I get to sing real hero in my movie.

Take that, Ryan Gassling. I told you I would have a dominance over that song. And I use this haircut better than you. Look at me. I would love the end credits to be her as a meter made, walking around just shattered and then Arnold Schwarzenegger karaoke of a real hero

from Drive Yeah you look so tough in your big gold scorpion jacket Well I'm going to karaoke the shit Out of this song now So it's like he murders This dude and then you know He knows he's dead at this point

Then we have the canteena crowd equivalent hey what the fuck And it's this huge shootout He's now all bets are off He's the unforgiven. This is the unforgiven. Yeah, he's killing men, women, and children. Oh, he's killing so many women in this scene.

They are drawing on him. So he is defending himself. He's defending his American right to this foreign land. It's justified. That's another show where someone wears cowboy hats. And he just, he kills everybody in the canteen. And for the most part, there's a couple of ladies left, like, weeping over their friends. And he sits back down and, like, has a.

Oh, my God. This has a dude And he just takes a pull on that big ding-dong cigar And he's just like That's the movie You know he's dead Oh yeah he did He's shot

No I've been hit I better have this Jack Daniels And smoke a cigar And read a Maxim magazine See it's while listening To Metallica's Later stuff Because that's what's a real man is

This one's for you monster It's I disappear the karaoke rights oh man and then we just cut to credits and it's like one of the shittiest movies i'm so thankful but this movie got switched in like yeah i originally wanted to do this lame rufus zul harry jill haley joluzmit time travel movie yeah which is bad i think it's called i'll follow you down go check it out if you can but this movie I mean, here's the thing. That's the movie. It's over with. I would recommend this movie

for one reason. Watch this movie and any other time you dare make fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger for anything else. Think about how bad this movie is and think about how great we've had it for literally. This is

I think... The Nadir? It's, dude, it's the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger movie I've ever seen in my life. Well, it's completely joyless, which is a big problem for an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. For starters, yeah. Like, nobody's having fun. Everyone's just mean to each other and shitty and everyone's just cursing for no reason. I would recommend it also. I kind of have to by default, even though it's 25 minutes too long. But I had such a laugh at this movie. More so than

any other movie we've done in Best of 2014. It's not the worst movie of Best 2014, but I laughed at it hardest it's it's a laugh riot you know i was not going to recommend it but andrew you convinced me with that argument i know i do think people should check it out just because now you have an accurate barometer you know yeah well i mean the thing about it is everyone in this movie has been associated with something far better oh yeah maybe not sam worthington but everybody i mean no like avatar that terminator move those movies are better than this movie like everyone Everyone has done better. You know what I mean?

Even that scrawny DEA investigator was on Angel and another Joss Whedon project or two. Do you think that Muriel Enos is going to kill her career? Because I feel like she might suffer the worst in this one. I would say you might be on to something if anyone saw this movie. That's what I was just about to say. Thank God for that. You have to see movies to damn people for being in them.

And nobody saw this movie. I mean, I don't know when it was exactly released. I believe it was like early enough on in 2014. Hopefully it was 2014. I mean, it was 2014 for sure. But she's bouncing back from this. I mean, she's a great actress. I do too, yeah.

But she just got in the wrong movie and like she committed too hard. Like do the Olivia Williams thing and kind of back out of it. You know what I mean? If you find yourself in sabotage. Please don't like double ass a movie. You need to be half-assing your performance. and Olivia Williams knows exactly how much of her

ass to use in this movie and the fact that she doesn't go over the top you're just like all right well that's just really terrible but you don't care so it's fine like it makes you when- Terence Howard is totally half-assing this movie Terence Howard half-asses most things that he's in

but like Mariel Enos the fact that you're like going so far the other way it makes people think you were excited to be in this movie which you clearly couldn't have been I mean I would be excited to be cast in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie because I'm like nobody and I would love to be in a movie with Arnold but even still I'd be like

well this is terrible this is clearly terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger grabbing my head and doing like a Ricky O thing where they smash my brains out that's on my bucket list. I mean Arnold Schwarzenegger might do that to all of us if you ever listens to this podcast and you know what I would welcome it because

it would be a great way to die it would be an honorable way to die and it would be a fitting end for my run on the show he's going to crush all three of our heads and then sit down in a bar and drink whiskey and smoke a cigar and be like, I've killed three New York fat liberals with 48% body fat each. This is a good day. Let me say this though. One thing I didn't mention we were talking about the very end of this. This movie does indeed leave the door open for a sequel. Does it? Because you don't see a fucking die. Dude, his eyes are

open at the end of that movie. You know what? You're looking for sequels. No, but I'm telling you, all you have, if you want to make sabotage to, all you have to do, you cut back to that canteena, and he's like, oh, oh, and he slumps over the table, boom, in burst the DEA. We run in there, they grab them, put them on a stretcher, dude, sabotage two. I think you're, because the one thing I was going to give this movie, aside from Winter's Tale, it's the only bad movie we watched in this little, compendium that we have for 2014 that isn't begging for a sequel

and it's not begging for a sequel it's not begging for a sequel it's not a you're not going to believe this yes but if you get some like Middle Eastern royalty to finance a shitty movie you want to make you could easily take that script

change four to six things about it make it sabotage too wait a second if you do know someone like that with Deep Pockets get this up and running so that Arnold can crush our heads of sabotage to there will be an internet campaign going for us to have cameos in the movie where Arnold

squashes our head like watermelon. I think it should be called sabotages. Sabotages. Oh, multiple sabotage, which just makes it a better movie. Yeah, because we'll be sabotaging him all over the place. That's sabotage from the previous year 2014, directed by

David Ayer. If you want to get a hold of us check out our website w hmpodcast.com like us on facebook and follow us on twitter we're at w hm podcast right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail dot com rate and review and iTunes stitcher wherever you get the program we would greatly appreciate it it helps out the show it takes two seconds it would be super cool of you uh check us out at the lily pad march 21st it's a saturday night 8 p m w hm podcast dot brown paper tickets dot com Now, the final thing, to end our worst of 2014, people have been asking us for some recommendations

of movies that we liked in 2014. Sure. So what stuff are we throwing out there that people should check out if they have not yet? A movie that's way better than sabotage, it's a great action movie, is the guest. I mean, it's more of an action horror, but like it's lean, it's mean,

and it just gets in and out, and it's really smart. It's an awesome movie. It's totally like, it's the dudes who made your next. Which is a great move from 2013, yeah. That I think we actually recommend it. Run it back, man. It's a total, like, John Carpenter love letter.

Like, that movie's like a John Carpenter movie. It's really great. The soundtrack is amazing. And Inherent Vice is one of my favorite of the year. I really, really enjoyed Inherent Vice. It's not P.T. Anderson's best movie, but, I mean, he can still make, like, okay movies, and they're, like, sticking with me. Not that I think that this is just an okay movie.

I also think Brolin should have got best supporting over Duval. Oh, he's awesome. That's his best performance, like easily. I think he's really great. But I think Joaquin's fantastic in that movie. Yes, yes. That's a totally overlooked performance. Also, boyhood?

Boyhood. You've heard of it. If you haven't seen boyhood, I can't recommend that enough. Another one that I would recommend, it's a film called The One I Love. It's directed by Malcolm McDowell's son, Charlie McDowell. It's Mark Duplas and Elizabeth Monarch. I think it's streaming on Netflix. It's like a weird...

Yes, it is. That's how I saw it, actually. It's like an indie-ish romantic thing with like such a bizarre twist to it that they thankfully did not give anything away for like in the ads or whatever, but it's a totally enjoyable movie. Also good Ted Danson cameo.

Also the Babadook, which when you watch it, which is a totally great movie, but you will be saying Babadook for a long time. It's a fantastic movie. It's really scary, but also like, again, and I actually think that she's amazing in that movie and kind of was overlooked. I mean, not that awards really matter

and ever would an Australian horror movie be nominated for an Oscar, but she is fantastic. Speaking of not nominated for Oscars and also some of our audience might disagree with me, but Snowpiercer, I thought, was one of the better movies of the year. Dude, Bong Joon Ho does not make bad movies and

this year was no exception with Snowpiercer. It's a really great movie. Great Till the Swinton performance. I think that's on Netflix as well. It is. And it's balls to the wall. And it actually proves to me that, like, Chris, Chris Evans has got, like, a good career ahead of him of just being, like, he does that square jaw action thing, but actually brings something to the table as opposed to just, like, blankly looking at you. You know what I mean? Like, he's got a charisma and a personality. That boy's going to be a star.

Yes. Someday. If only he could break out in a big franchise. Ooh, I've got my fingers crossed. So those are just some of the things we saw from last year that you should definitely check out if you having yet. And also I will say this, going into the next month, we have the Academy Awards coming up, February 22nd. So the next month is kind of skewed around the Academy Awards a little bit. Steve, do you want to explain what we're doing?

Yeah, every year we kind of make up a new theme month where we have like a wild card month. We're pushing it to February this time. It's basically we're taking one category, each category, each major acting category and taking a terrible movie from one of the nominees and doing it. uh so taking the piss out of people exactly so the clues for the entire month of february are just going to be those people sure so we're starting with best supporting actor so the clue for next week is Ethan hawk he's nominated for boyhood do we think he will win for boyhood this is the other thing we will do some Oscar right predicting here you know I walking over here I was thinking that but then uh Steve reminded me about uh j k k Simmons and whiplash which I just recently saw which is also good not the greatest but good and it's really his movie I mean I think he now I'm thinking jakey Simmons is going to win I think it's

probably a toss-up between the two of them I don't see anyone else in that supporting it dude that's a oh you're 80 what now that's a charitable let's haven't given you one in a while we'll send you off to the sun god raw and honor you know

bury you and Jewel's exactly so we'll see what happens on February 22nd but before than next week's episode Ethan Hawk. Do with that what you will. Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Sisko. Stephen Sater. Take it easy.