We Hate Movies - S5 Ep189: Taking Lives

Episode Date: February 3, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang kick off Oscar Month with the ridiculous serial killer snooze, Taking Lives! Sure, he's nominated for Best Supporting Actor this year, but back in 2004, Boyhood was still a decade off and Ethan Hawke had to keep the lights on somehow! How did they think they could cover up that Hawke is the killer? How are there no Canadian accents in this French-Canadian thriller? And why did Gena Rowlands bother keeping that little murderer's bedroom in such great shape? PLUS: That old guy that will evaluate your artistic ability via the mail really, really likes Kiefer Sutherland. Taking Lives stars Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawke, Gena Rowlands, Kiefer Sutherland, Olivier Martinez, Paul Dano and Tchéky Karyo; directed by D.J. Caruso. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the program today. Yeah, we are kicking off, well, it's Oscar season, you know? We're kicking it off in front of a bus. Or was it a car? It's a car. Okay. It's a truck-ish. A truck-ish something or other. Yeah, yeah. That guy didn't stop, though.

Oh, man, that guy was going someplace. We are talking about taking lives from 2004, which stars Best Supporting Actor nominee, Ethan Hawke, this is this is uh well while they were actually making boyhood uh he also made this movie throughout the course of the production of boyhood i didn't even think of it yet taking lives was made directed by dj caruso uh who like he he did that what was that movie the scary suburbs the salton sea suburbia oh disturbia first of all right yeah disturbia uh which i actually thought was mildly entertaining do you think just the band disturbed was pissed when that movie came I'd like, fuck, that's our next album title. Yeah, totally.

They had to do a whole lot of, like, canceled marketing. Because they wanted to call it, but they can't, you can't write that out. So you want to say, ooh, ooh, uh, ah, uh, it's like that chipmunk song. No, no, it's cool. Like it's like it's like, oh, wah ha ha. Were they the, um, let the bodies hit the floor, gentlemen?

Let the bodies hit the, that's puddle of mud? No, that's, uh, puddle of mud, red, mud, did other stuff, drowning pool. Drowning pool. Oh, I don't know if anybody else knows this, but I was a little bit into the new medal around the time taking lives came out. Me, man, let me tell you something, you guys, Steve Sadek, circa 2002

to 2004, that was a great time to know Steve Sadek. He listened to all sorts of shit no one wanted to hear about. We used to call him Papa Roach. No, no, that probably wasn't one of them. Probably. That's no drowning pools. So we kick things off

in high fashion in this movie. You got a young baby-faced Paul Dano. yeah right like little miss sunshine is still a ways off yeah so he's still baby face hasn't been ruined by the world yet and you got this goddamn you two song just bringing everything together man to let you know it's the late 80s but this this you know don't start a movie with youtube maybe maybe that's i mean it's kind of hard to get on a musical high horse after you just start talking about drowning pool and bottle of mud but i've just short i mean i like you two totally fine it's not a

movie starter you want to put that in the middle of your movie you want to even put it at the end like that batman forever song now maybe we're talking listen you two is a montage only band yes exactly okay it is not a the we're fading in and starting our journey with these characters i don't want to hear you two shut up bono because i just heard a bunch of loud previews you know i just watched popcorn dance i'm just i'm wondering oh are we like did the movie not start and then they're just playing like filler music while they find the real. Or there's another trailer. Yeah, exactly.

You do also trailer music. They had that, what was that song on the Tomb Raider soundtrack? Was that elevation? Yes. Oh, my God, really? Tomb Raider or Tomb Raider Cradle of Filth or whatever that. No, that was another band Steve listened to. Didn't listen to Cradle of Filth.

Cradle of Life, I believe it was. Yes. Might be a stay tuned for either of those. I saw that first one in the theaters anyways. No, I never saw either of them. Yeah, me neither. Oh, man, that first one is a real stink fest. I was too busy in line for Mudvane, man.

You were too busy buying a thicker chain for your chain wallet. Oh, no. So this is one of two movies, disproportionate quality, where Paul Dano plays a disturbed twin. Yep. Wait, what else to see a twin in? There will be blood. lie. It was Paul who was the smart one. Oh, I

forgot there was a two-in situation in that movie. Yeah, I do kind of I want, I want Daniel DeLewis to come in at the end and talk to Ethan Hawke. By the way, spoiler alert everybody. Ethan Hawke did it the whole time. Ethan Hawke is the person who's taking lives in this

movie. Let's get that out of the way. Paul Dano grows up to be Ethan Hawke. You figure that out. It's a real problem. I mean, it's always hard when like you're doing like only a 15-year jump and you change actors. You should probably not. I mean, again, we always went into

that Kevin Spacey Bobby Darren problem. That's a real problem. That's a whole, that's a feature length problem. But at the same time, I might get it because again, this is a movie that's built upon a twist, and the twist is Paul Dano is Ethan Hawke the whole time. You want to know

but also the other option is what, Paul Dano grew up to be Angelina Jolie. Keeper Sutherland? That's even more ridiculous. And there's a 15-year gap between those two people, by the way. Yeah. So the whole, the concede of this movie is someone is killing people, Ethan Hawke. Well, well, they're taking lives.

Well, that's the thing. They're killing someone and then taking over their identity. So Don Draper. If he just kept doing it. Yeah, you're right. If he got a taste for it, he was like, oh, my God, Dick Whitman and a Don Draper had me hard for a month. Let's see what else I can come up with. kick this little kid in front of a bus

or I guess it was more of a car truck excuse me turns into Harry Crane gets all fat oh yeah just starts talking commenting endlessly about how he works in TV God he just won't shut up about that I love Harry Crane he's the most annoying character

on that show so yeah so someone is killing people and taking their identities this serial killer could be called like the real loser killer I mean because like if you're going to kill someone and take their identity successfully It can't be like a family man. Yeah.

You know, it can't be a popular guy around the office. Yeah. It's got to be a real loser. Yeah, and it's kind of weird that you want to just, you know, what's the game? You never make really a lot of money doing this. I guess it's just the thrill to kill. And then, yeah, that's rhyming. And then I guess it's just to hide, right?

Like, oh, no one's going to suspect if they're not looking for the guy. Right. So we start this thing off. He's driving down the road is Paul Dano. and he picks up a dude who's hitchhiking. Is that the idea? They're both at a bus station. They're taking a bus across country.

Oh, right, and the bus breaks down. Bummer! They're kind of like weird street kid hitting on each other a little bit, you know? Like, there's a little bit of that going on? I think there's a little bit of, like, feeling each other out. Exactly. Like, if I pull this shit out, what's going to happen?

Well, you're on a public bus, so that lady will scream. I don't know, man. Some of the public buses I've been on. I've seen weirder. I mean, you can't walk around New York for too long on a train and not see somebody's dick. That's true. Absolutely. It's a right of passage.

Listen, the first time you see a publicly exposed penis man, that's how you know. You've made it in this town. I've made it too far. I don't want to know what that actually means. You've made it too far. Forget about it. So they buy this car from some dude because like the bus breaks down and they just really have to get to Seattle. And it's so stupid.

They're, like, driving in the car, and this guy's just like, he's like, yeah, you know, my dad sent me to military school, and I did whatever else. And he's like, now I'm going to go to Seattle and write music. And he goes on to sing. They're in Canada, by the way. Are they in Canada? Yeah. Oh, right, because it's a French-Canadian thriller. Yeah.

Everything about this movie, for some reason, is in Canada. Right, right, right. They're going to go to Seattle. He's going to make it big in music in the 80s. So I guess he's following the early grunge wave out there. Sure. But he just starts singing, like, the dumbest, like, acoustic guitar blues song. It's like, I've got the Military Academy Blues or whatever it is.

It's so dumb. And you can see Paul Dano be like, man, that song is so terrible. I want to kill that guy and take his identity. And they're kind of best buds for a second, and they get a flat tire because Paul Dano is not looking at, like, not looking at the road, just looking at this dude that he's kind of clearly into for a second. They also, they bought a beater from some weird guy in a shed. So, you know, it's going to fall apart on the road. Yeah, paying attention to the road or no, this car doesn't have a way to go. I want to know how these two kids, poor enough to take the bus,

uh-huh. Uh, and they're, you know, they're running away from home. How are they affording this car? Well, I know, because Jenna Rollins explains the whole thing. Later in the film, Jenna Rollins is the mother of Ethan Hawke. who's the killer. But when he's a boy, he's played by Paul Dano, she says that when he runs away from home,

he stole a shit ton of her jewelry. So he's got, like, jewelry money. Yeah, and especially Jenna Rollins of jewelry money. That's going to get you far. Oh, yeah, you could live high on the hog for a year, nine, two years on that. It's always problematic when the best death of the movie happens in the first 15 minutes.

And it's a trailer death. Exactly. And you're like, oh, man, this is going to be great. And so, like, you know, this kid's changed out of tires. I was like, come on, Scroni, Paul Dano. You never changed a tire before. He's got his ass out in the middle of the road. And, like, this van is speeding down the highway with no regard for anybody.

This guy just killed six people, I guess. I think the Manson clan is in this van. What's left of the Mansons in the late 80s? So this was actually a courageous act. He's got the girl from Texas Chainsaw in the back. He's the guy that picks him. her up at the end of Texas staint saw. And Leatherface was running after him.

So he's just in a freak out driving mode. And, you know, whatever, man. He's like, look at that ass. I can't wait to see that ass dead on the side of this road. And as the van approaches, like, he times it and, like, kicks the kid. So the kid falls face first in front of this roaring van tire. And so, you know, you think, oh, wow, he's going to get hit by a car.

That's terrible. This car or this van or whatever it is. does like the craziest flip and explode. It's so out of proportion to what this should be. His body is flying like he's Mr. Bill. Yeah, totally. It's so not accurate. Like this guy's like just three feet away.

Like he got pushed over. Yeah. And, you know, he's kind of like contorted and whatnot. Paul Dano comes up. What does he do? He like beats him over the head with a rock. Well, that's his thing. That's his modus upper endi is.

I like to bash people's head in with a rock. because that's how he finishes him you know this is finishing move right that's a stone called stunner yeah you go you're you're one foot you're you're a flip away from somebody you do back back back forward A and then Paul Dana kills him with a rock

and so then we cut to the present day we cut to Angelina Jolie just lying in a grave can we the opening credits oh these are bad this everyone's it's it's 2004 I mean clearly this is in the mold of seven

Oh, yeah. Holy crap, did they just steal these credits from seven? It's just like, whoa, man, who would, who would ever need to, like, file down their fingerprints? Seriously. Now, it's ridiculous. It's, it's, it's like beat for beat things taken from seven. Without Trent Rezner, you know, like, it's, it's, it's seven sands Trent and Resner. Well, they have, who, they have what, Philip Glass on this movie? Philip Glass did the score for this. I cannot believe it. It's so insane. I wish I knew that when I saw. Philip Glass in person like a couple months

So you can heckle him I just be like hey man Hey I love the Katsi trilogy What was going on with taking lives Not that the music's bad in this movie It's just like what are you doing? Yeah it's taking money

A lot of people were taking money Yeah everyone just taking money Except for the ticket taker at opening night Taking lives anybody I saw this movie in the theater's opening weekend Pretty empty theater.

I saw this about a week ago at my apartment. Pretty empty living room. Your cat refused to come in the room.

Did not want anything to do with it. So yeah, I mean, we cut to, it's like these detectives

working this, you know, a serial killer case. They found a corpse out of construction side of this deal. It's Olivia

Martinez, some other guy and Chekikikario are like, and Chekikikario is like, I called, and it's, it's sent, it's set in Quebec for no reason. I mean, it's, the, the Quibbecloth stuff doesn't really matter in this movie at all. Well, they also got, what, like actual French actors to play?

Yeah, all these roles. So it's like, the French is not even accurate. No, it's not. It's totally wrong accented French, but I had lunch with a guy from Quebec the other day. And, like, were you talking to him about taking lives? No, I didn't. I forgot to mention that we would be, I would be watching taking lives in a couple of days. But it's amazing because it's like it's a Wisconsin kind of accent,

but everything's got a French tinge to it. So like it'll just be, I'll be talking like this and that'll just, I don't do a good French accent, so I won't do that. But. Yeah, exactly. Or you have some protein. And it's like, what? Yeah, it's just, it's like a, it's a, it's not anything to do with this movie.

It's not a trait. It's not a theme. It's just a quirk. And it makes this movie kind of implore. plausible and inconvenient because she works for the FBI because the silence of the lambs, so she has to work for the FBI. Yes. It makes no sense why she would be asked by Czechic Cario to come help out with this.

You're telling me there's not one worthwhile Canadian criminal profiler, not one. I mean, I know the crime up there is much less than what we have, but someone up there has to have studied this shit. Somebody from Vancouver, you know, like a big, it's a big city hot shot. Exactly. Because I think this actually takes place in Montreal. Yes. Yes. In and around Montreal.

I would think there's someone in fucking Montreal that could do this. You don't have to bring somebody from the West Coast? Well, that's Ilvio Martinez's thing. He's like, dude, that sucks. Like, this is my big deal. Yeah, he's so pissed at Chequic Cario. He's like, you invited not only anyone else outside of this precinct to work on this case.

You invited an American FBI agent. Yes. And he's got a little bit of a problem with her being a woman. And we'll get to that, too. Oh, man, yeah. Ethan Hawks hiding out as this starving artist type. And then, you know, I was thinking, like, about our previous episode about a Montreal art caper canvas. Oh, right.

And I was wondering if this is the same cinematic universe. It might be a shared universe. Because I think there was an FBI agent in that, too. There definitely was an FBI agent in that movie. It comes by Gary Busey's gallery. This is the sequel. Well, I mean, the thing of it is, it's easy enough to do that because everyone at the end of Canvas is, dead so you don't have to worry about any one of those people popping up or any of the consequences

of that you're totally right unless you think they go they go to the airport at one scene and john reese davies is still fucking decaying on a bed just a skeleton with a really really baggy sweater on a big hat and the fat guy hat mm-hmm it's a big greek man chains around his neck his skeleton neck i hold this airport now whoever thought i'd die in canada so it turns out she's a brilliant profiler she's like laying in the grave and they're like what are you doing and she's like oh now that you've asked me i'm going to show you 10 different things to humiliate you in this crime scene to make you look like a bunch of idiots who are like your first week on the job or something and it's it's great because like this is at the time when we were at critical mass of like everyone's tired of serial killer shit like this is one of the last i would like say one of the last ones but like it took up until zodiac until people were like oh oh okay this is kind of fun again and I mean like serial killers got kicked off to television you know what I mean

essentially like they got kicked off to big screen now it's all like criminal minds and every other SVU episodes got another serial killer in it and you got your Hannibal you've got there's a ton of them the thing I will say 2004 I think might be the breaking point for serial

killers only because you have this movie but then you also have which I think is a definite state tune twisted with Ashley Judd and Samuel L. Jackson, and that is another ridiculous, useless serial killer movie. In the vein of, like, a copycat kind of thing.

Ooh, that's exciting. That, like, like, twisted is way more copycat. This is definitely we're going for a silence of the lambs-esque, like, artful serial killer picture with this movie. I think so is this too, because it's all about... That's what I meant. There's movie. Yeah, yeah. It's all, like, strong

women, like, you know, being in the, you know, looking at evil and so on and so forth. Wake me up. up already. One of my favorite weird things that happens in this movie and they're trying to like they do stuff like this to make her look cool and damaged or whatever is

she's got this skull reconstruction going on like you know they're trying to figure out like who this dude was or whatever for a second I was like her skulls fucked up. No like because the you know the bodies keep getting burned and disfigured or whatever he's crushing all their heads with rocks that's like that's what he

gets he gets him off and so she's got the skull reconstruction going on. So she's waiting for that to finish up. So she's at home eating dinner. And the way they do the shot is ridiculous. It's like her sitting at a table eating. And then like it just kind of pans

to the right. And the chair across from her just has crime scene photos taped to it. And this is a thing that goes throughout this movie. Like there's a scene where she's like in a bubble bath and you're like oh relaxing Angelina Jolie bubble bath. Okay. And then the bathroom, there's like bubbles, candles, horrific crime.

scene photos all over the wall. She has a nice heartwarming conversation with her mother and like you just see the Angelina Jolie angle where she's talking to this woman and she's like, well, honey, you should probably got a husband. And then they cut to the mother and she's got a crime scene photo on her face. So

you know, we get into the Ethan Hawk pretty quickly here. You know, they're like, oh hey, we have someone, there was another murder I think is the deal. Yeah, and somebody was trying to revive the victim. Correct. So in comes Ethan Hawke in this interrogation scene And the thing about why we said this up front

Like Ethan Hawke is the killer Because this scene tells you that Ethan Hawke is the killer Because he is doing like the most Over-Dramatic nonsense performance in this scene Where he's talking about Like he gets all defensive a lot of the time He's like, I tried to save that guy You're looking at me, I tried to save him

I just had to look at his blonde and the blonde and blonde and blonde It's basically the police found a guy standing next to this murdered man with his head caved in. And then the guy's just like, yeah, I didn't see where that guy wins. It's like, are you kidding me? He's doing the thing of like, oh, I tried to revive this guy. There was another guy who totally ran away before you got here. This is what we call white guy talk to the police.

Because guess what happens if he's not white? Oh, no, that guy is just over here. You just missed him. I was just on my way to Tim Hortons. I didn't see where that killer wins. But, hey, that guy got his head pretty bashed in. I want Ethan Hawk to have a Canadian accent in this movie. I think he gets a sorry in at one point.

I think there is, oh, I'm so sorry. It's one sorry too little, man. It's nothing. It's so nothing in this movie. And that was the other thing. I forgot that she was with the FBI, because the whole time I was focused on like, where is this Canadian accent?

Where is this Canadian accent? And then it's like, oh, yeah, she's with the FBI. but Ethan Hawk, if he is taking lives in Canada, he's from Canada. Come on with the accent. It's all I need. It's an easy enough accent to do to fake or just get a Canadian actor, if that's the case. Or just don't fucking set it in Canada.

No offense, Canada, but we didn't need you for this movie. This movie thought it needed you. It didn't have to work out this way. Plenty of other good movies being made in Canada, set in Canada. Set it in New Orleans. You can even keep the French guys. Here you go. Great French Canadian movie I just watched. It's called Mommy. It's fantastic. There's a French Canadian movie. Sure. I saw another one called Canvas. Great Canada. So, I mean, this interrogation scene lasts forever. It lasts forever. Like, Olivia Martinez doesn't get anything out of him. And then, like, Angelina Jolie goes in and immediately starts making fuck eyes at this dude. Oh, yeah.

You know what, lady? That's not appropriate. No, it's not. Their relationship in this is ridiculous. He's a handsome 2004, Ethan Hawke. Sure. Angelina Jolie ever. So everyone's looking at her, right? But like, if you are Angelina Jolie, you have to like, and even know that. Even Jackie Cario's like, how many drinks have you turned down from dudes in the academy and everything else? She walks into this room and she's like setting him up, like she's trying to

you know because she's an intelligent person not like the people who made this movie and knows instantly like there's a good shot Ethan Hawk killed this guy sure so she walks in immediately trying to like bait him and she they find out that the dude had been partially strangled by some piano wire you know the kind of stuff

and so they have that in like a little baggy you know so she comes in and opens this folder and drops the baggie with the wire in it like on the floor and she's like oops and he starts looking at like was that what was around his neck no and it's like dude listen I know you supposedly like we're just involved in this horrendous murder and you tried to revive this guy and this that and the other thing no one's freaking out that much by looking at

piano wire the only person that freaks out that much in interrogations is the guy from seven who fucked the woman to death dude I talked about that guy yeah for three different conversations today at work. Sure. Just putting that out there. He's in the guest, and I was like, oh, he's going to do it.

He's going to lose it again. Like, the whole movie, I was waiting for it. But he doesn't. He made me fucker. Sorry. So, the other thing that's ridiculous about this interrogation scene

is he, again, might as well just be screaming I did it, because he starts yelling, like, listen, I'm known to draw. I dabble in doodles. If you give

me a pad of paper and a pen, I will draw this person for you and you can go find him. And they're just like, uh-huh. But they're all like, ooh, what a lucky break he's going to draw him for us. We got a lead that this guy's breaking it wide open. Best witness of the century. Canada's man of the year. And he just starts doodling and like he doodled the guy that he killed. Yeah.

Isn't that one? No, no, no. He's drawing. Kiefer Sutherland. Yeah, he draws Kiefer Sutherland with a beard on. Oh. 24th Kether Sutherland coming out. That's what, okay.

Kiefer Sutherland shows up in this movie for like five seconds to be a patsy. It's insane. Yeah, it is. And this is 2004. Like, you're paying him 24 money at this point to be in this thing. Yeah, I need, you know, I need at least 24 minutes of Kiefer Southern. Aren't the Sutherland's a Canadian dynasty, though? Yeah, they are.

Yeah, so that's one Canadian actor you have in your movie. God bless him. I learned something today. Like, I just want him to draw, like, John Stockton for no reason. And then the rest of the, the rest of the movie, they're looking for this Mormon basketball player. I think he was playing the Grizzlies that night. So at what?

I don't know John Stockton was a Mormon. Oh, yeah, he's a huge Mormon. Oh, that's too bad. He played for the Utah Jazz and loved it. Please don't trade me I would like to retire a jazz So then they They somehow make their way to a creepy apartment

And this is another It's a real seven situation I don't even know how it comes Something something something something I think it's something to do with that doodle I think the apartment is actually seven And it's on seventh street Number seven seven street

And it's like well you know Well it's not creepy be raining in Montreal so we'll have this guy he leaves the shower on at all times where the water is falling down on urinal cakes a pile of urinal cakes what so to cover up the body smell because it's like that's what you know when you pee on a urinal cake it makes the you know thing and guess what I'm doing I'm rounding up every janitor within a hundred mile radius Can I get an APB on John Stockton and any janitor you can find? Because do you think maybe, just maybe,

Ethan Hawk is going to every bar and dive you can find and he just picks out the urinal cakes? Oh, that's gross. Because they're kind of like in like a contained, like a plastic little mesh that you would throw into the urinal. You're right. It's not just the urinal cake. It's the whole thing.

The apparatus that goes along. The urinal cake holder. Somewhere there's another Canadian cop trying to catch the urinal cake bandit. The lowest guy on the totem pole. Man, I would love to watch the urinal cake bandit movie though. Wouldn't that be great if we cut back and forth? And then it's like,

oh, sorry, I didn't know these cases emerging. Oh, hey, mind if I help you out on your case there? Well, that's the SVU rule where it starts out a sex crime and then they're like, oh, it's not a sex crime, but they keep working on it anyway. Like that illegal animals episode of that show?

It's just like, dude, assign another detective. It's no longer your case. So also at one point, Jenna Rollins wanders into a police station. Is she talking first with Angelina Jolie? Or does someone else feel this? It's just, it's another officer. And she's like, I saw my son. He's incredibly dangerous.

I thought he was dead. Yes. So the whole thing with this is, you know, apparently he went missing or something. They found the Paul Dano. murder scene and they were like hey is this your son and the body was too mangled because of that rock smashing

you know but they you know was I guess the 80s and you know CSU wasn't you know as as high tech as it is so they're like yeah yeah that's him your son is dead Jenna Rollins. Is that a white neck? yeah it's same guy same difference and she's kind of just given the fucking quint speech she's given the quint speech here

she's like I saw my son I looked in his eyes they were piercing or it's like a dog's eyes. Jenna Rollins, why are you doing this impression? He was part shark, you know. You gotta close those beaches. That's right. I had

an affair with a shark. Gave birth to a half shark half boy. But so Angelina Jolie is eventually following up with this where they somehow find out that Jenna Rollins might be able to help out with the case.

I think somehow it comes through. By the way, yeah, in this apartment, there's dead bodies and stuff. Oh, a dead body falls from the ceiling. A drop ceiling. And it's like, whoa, a big scare. It's totally like the head falling out of the boat and jaws. The head falling out of the boat and jaws. It's the guy jumping up and seven off the heroin addict that jumps up.

Oh, yeah. That's a big shocker. I think a bunch of shit happens at the sounds of the left. It's the, uh, the jism thrown at. Oh, my God. Clarit-Starling. Dude, that's the guy. That's the, I want the Miggs movie.

Oh, man, the Miggs prequel to how he wound up in the insane asylum. Oh, that could be the end, like he's thrown to credits. It would be like, and it's like splurt directed by Zach Snyder. Yeah. The thing is, his M.O. He's a UPS guy, right? And he goes and he delivers your package. He's like, how you got to sign here.

And as you're signing, you know what I mean? All right, thank you very much. And here's mine, and he goes for you. And it just throws it right in your face and runs away. Dude, the title of that movie is called Special Delivery. Colin Miggs begins. How many people can you throw semen at before getting arrested, do you think? You think you'd be able to get away with it?

Where are you doing this? Where are you doing this? All right, let's say Subway. Subway? Oh, one time. You're totally getting arrested. Yeah, yeah. You're 100% getting arrested for slinging semen at someone.

But, you know, out here, regular. Street and Queens, you can get away with one. Yeah, one to four. You can't make it a regular thing. No, they'll find you. They'll catch on. You've got to go to a car park and change cars. Just to keep

the heist going. The perfect crime. Planning it out for months. Case in the street. You want to throw a semen at somebody, huh? Well, we're going to need 12 guys. So Jenna Rollins, like, Angie goes to visit Jenna Rollins at her home.

Yeah, it's a creepy old house. And of course, he was a twin. This is when we find out that he had a twin. And then you're just like, wait a second. Evil twin movie. It's an evil twin movie. And it's like, oh, I favored the son that died and I got the ugly one. You know, it's like their identical twin.

It's like a useless twin movie because the good twin had already deceased. For years, for decades. Just death off screen, unrelated to the murders. Totally. It's like he choked on a pretzel one afternoon, and that was that. No, I think it was a thing where the dead twin was the first taken life. Because what she says in the story she's telling. Yeah, they went out on a boat.

They were on a lake, like they went out on a boat, and only Ethan Hawke came back. Oh, he talented Mr. Ripley at him, huh? Yeah, dude. It was, you, Martin was the only one that came back. That's the character's name. came back wasn't human. It wasn't. It was Ethan Hawk. But I kind of agree with you, Eric. Like, twins only work when they're both on screen at the same time. Do you think there was some, like, some deleted scenes or like at least screen tests of like, can we make Paul Dano act to himself? And it just wasn't working right. Like, they maybe filmed that whole flashback. Like Paul Dano going out on a boat with other Paul Dano. And then he hits him in the face with an oar, you know, and then like throws the, throws the body overboard. and then he comes back and he's like, I'm the Paul Dano you liked.

The bad one's dead. Dead forever now. But they don't even do a twin switch at the end. I mean, that would be amazing. Don't get me wrong. But, like, I don't even need him in the same frame. Just have it, like, be something. Yeah, like, make it something.

Maybe he wasn't dead the whole time and he comes back and then there's been two of them the whole time. Right. Actually, you know, you could tell that Ethan Hawke is the evil twin because he's got the goatee. You're right. He does have the... evil goatee. So if the other guy came back,

it'd be just Ethan Hawk without a goatee. Clean-shaven Ethan Hawke. I think that could work. I think we're halfway to a movie here now. We're close to taking lives. This is a quarter of a movie. It is because the whole first hour and 15

minutes is spent lying to you about like, I swear to God, it's not Ethan Hawk. What are you talking about Ethan Hawk being the killer? Dude, this movie is like that kid in high school that was just the worst at lying. Yes.

You know, if you, like, called someone out on something, what are you talking about? Like, well, why did your voice get so high? What do you mean? I'm not killing people? This whole, this whole, the first hour of this movie is your dad saying that he lost all the Christmas presents.

And you're like, oh, did you dad? Oh, I don't know where they were. Oh, man, I can't believe we're going to cancel Christmas. Like, no, no, obviously you're not. Or it's your dad and he's just like, well, yes, I did. Did bury the hamster in the backyard. It was a proper Christian burial.

Was it, Ed? Yes, it was. Toilet flush. You total toilet flush, man. Oh, no, it's stuck. Plunger noises. But you know the only way this is that there's a movie if it's Ethan Hawke. And, like, he keeps popping in.

Like, Angelina Jolie is getting a drink at a bar by herself. And he just says, oh, hey, how's the case going? And it's like, you know what, dude? Just thought I'd check in on this case. He invites her to like the art show that he has. Also very, you know, Gary Busey in Canvas. So when Angelina Jolie gets this story, this sob story from Jenna Rollins,

she's like, she's suspicious of what's going on. She notices that there's like a door that's hidden behind a table in her house, but she lets it go. And she says a checky carrier, like, so what does it take to get a body? dug up in this here country I'm in. Cut to this

coffin just getting raised. And it's Martin, the supposedly dead twins coffin. Yeah. And then there's a whole bunch of shit about, oh, he broke his arm as a kid, but his arm is never broken. So clearly it's not him. And everyone goes, right, yeah, they exhumed it. It was Martin Lawrence.

That's where he's been. It's a big twist. Yeah. I've been stuck in here for years. My God, the black night's down there. That's a bad Martin Lawrence movie. Is that a stay tuned? Maybe.

It's really stupid. He goes back in time and gets to be a knight. Hey, how about that? So they dig this up, whatever. It's not him. There's an honest to goodness secret passage in Gina Rollins' house. A passage that's blocked is therefore a secret passage, right? Yes.

You don't need a candelabre. that, you know, you're able to, you know, pull on, to reveal a door. Like, if you put a bookcase in front of a door, secret passage in your house. It's definitely a secret passage. And what's hilarious is, first, to get the body dug up, she basically says to him, like, what does it take to get a body dug up around here? And then she says, like, what does it take to get a search for him to break into an old lady's house? And he's like, well, it would probably take some time.

And, of course, time is not what they had. Not at all, no. So he's like, but then again. You are just an FBI agent who has no jurisdiction in this country. I can't tell you what to do and what not to do. Cut to her breaking into this woman's house. I still think it's illegal to break into people's houses in Canada. Oh, I'm sure it probably is.

Well, you know, everyone up there is so friendly. They just leave the doors open, you know. You just have to walk in and be like, hello. And if, you know, then you can do what you want. You've announced yourself. If someone isn't home in that situation, in Canada? Are you allowed to just take over that person's life? Yes. Yes.

That's, yeah. They have a code. I'm the dad now. That's how they all get along so well. It's just, that's where we got the idea, too, as the killer, right? Because it's just everyone mixing and mingling. The Canadian Open Doors Policy

is what did these people in. This is one of those scenes where, in retrospect, after you know what's been going on in the movie, at the end of it, it doesn't make any sense. So she goes into the Secret Pass, And it's all creepy And this little dolls There's a fucking hanging teddy bear

Of course there is That's what psychopath kids do And there's like a little Matchstick men like stick figures Which actually come up a couple times In the movie She found it at the other apartment too Right right

Oh yeah the creepy little Yeah But like clean your goddamn house lady Don't just don't act like you didn't know about this secret passage Did General Did she not even know that that was Was she fooled by the secret passage

for like 50 years? Well, I thought the door to my basement was there, but I guess I'm wrong. I guess this house doesn't have a basement. Fool me once, bookcase. Talk to you later. But like, what is, at the end of this scene, because the way Angelina Jolie accesses things

is by laying down in places. Yes. So she lays down in this weird cot that's set up there, and Ethan Hawke bursts through Jason Forhey's style, and tries to grab her. I was going to say, like Jason Voorhees himself, these arms burst through a straw mattress. It is Jason Forhees.

Because Jenna Rollins is like, oh, my son, my son went crazy. The other kids never played with him. The other one drowned in a leg. Right? But it's weird, though, because they don't show his face. And speaking of Jason, This guy is way bigger than Ethan Hawk. Oh, and he's 8 foot 5.

Like, fucking the Undertaker bursts out from under this mattress and, like, scares her and runs away. I think there's some heavy, like, man breathing. Oh, yeah, totally. And I think it was, I think they got Keith for Sutherland to do that part. I think that was a, I think that was a Jack Bauer. Do it now. Chloe. So she gets, like, thrown to the ground and knocked unconscious.

Is that why she doesn't chase him? it's like a really bad headache. Like, basically it goes, like, basically he throws her against a wall and then, like, she gets, you know, knocked into a stone wall in her head. And she, like, tries to take it up and goes, no. Like, it's just sort of this, I can't do it. And today. But what is Ethan Hawke doing there?

He's already taken this other guy's life. Yeah, totally. He's not that guy anymore. This scene makes zero sense. Unless they were going to try to bring back the twin. Yeah. And it's just like, oh, like, that, that, my, my, my other. son's creepy, thought he died, and now

he lives in the secret crawl space. But if that's the case, I mean, then Generolans would know about it. Like, she'd be in on it. She's in on it. Exactly. But the end of the movie, it makes it abundantly clear she has not seen this kid in 20 years. Yep. Yeah, no, exactly right. It makes no sense.

That scene, you know, unless they, unless they were, like, making the movie and it was going to always be Kiefer Sutherland. Yeah. Right. And they switched it out. Yeah. Like, what... Well, this did have, like, a bunch of rewrites. Our good friend David Ayer did a pass on this guy.

There was like four people that have writing credit on this movie. Bad sign. Yeah, always bad sign. Also, a bad sign. Don't rip off Psycho and make this bedroom still like a little kid's bedroom. Come on with that shit. Because also, that bedroom is set for like an eight-year-old boy. Not the age that Paul Dano is when he's run out of the house. Another quick question. So is there another entrance and or exit to this room because the bookcase is in front of the fucking door again Oh my God Did he like close it And like there's some sort of way You put some sort of hook on the bookcase

To push it back I think this is like the tower of the hand He can get down to the black cells And into the sewer system And out of King's Landing from here It's ridiculous the amount of Maybe that's what we haven't seen Is he's dug a hole

In the foundation to this house Because he can't use the storm doors if this basement has storm doors to it, you can't hide down there. Jenna Rollins is going to be in and out of that thing. Someone dug a hole in the foundation of this movie. It's a problem. So this is when Kiefer Sutherland shows up.

So, like, she's like flirting with Ethan Hawke and like, oh, my God, somebody came into my studio and totally messed all my stuff up. Oh, yeah. I just walked around the corner to get a, you know, Tim Hortons. And I came back and it was all wrecked. Sorry. Sorry to bother you.

It's just this horseshit, like, well, it appears that someone just messed up my office, see? How could I be the killer if someone's musseling up my papers, eh? By the way, here's that box of Tim Horton's that makes my story fit. I got the receipt from Tim Hortons, it's timestamp. Why would I mess up my own papers? That doesn't make sense. I mean, someone's messing with me. This guy's after me.

You better pay extra close attention to me. There's one, so she has to give the scene where like she solves what the killer is doing, right? So she's pretty confident that it's this, like the son of Jenna Rowland. So Martin Asher is the name, right? And she, we just cut to her like in the room and she's giving the presentation and it just starts with Martin Asher is taking lives. I'm like, oh yeah. And she's like, yeah, he doesn't just kill people. He takes their lives.

that is a difference well the best thing is she calls there's Olivia Martinez and this other cop who is the worst cop in the universe the way he dies and she's like

hey other cop you want to come in early tomorrow and it's just set up this presentation that's pretty low but also like here's something I'm just thinking about now

is if so you know that this that's this guy's M.O and like it takes people's lives and blah blah bounces to bounce if one of your Ethan Hawk has to be a lead suspect.

Look into Ethan Hawke. What does his family look like? Give me some childhood pictures. What about, you know, let me talk to an ex-girlfriend that proves you're a person. Yeah, it's like he killed everyone before he left town except his mom. Listen, you are sort of, this is speaking to Angelina Jolie's character. You are sort of still suspicious of Ethan Hawke, even though you're falling for him for some reason. Well, he's wearing collarless shirts this entire time.

Yeah, that gets me too. You know, you know that Jenna Rollins has this connection. You're pretty sure the killer is this Martin Asher guy. Listen, one of the thousand times you hang out with Ethan Hawke in this movie have Jenna Rollins closely behind you and be like, look, Angelina's going to go over there and she's going to talk to this dude with the evil villain goatee. Look at that guy and tell me yes or no, is that guy your son? They never once try to put her in the same room with him.

This movie could be 25 minutes long. It'd be wonderful if it was. It would be a fantastic short film from DJ Caruso. So after all of his papers getting messed up, he's like, well, this guy needs, is A, obviously not the killer, and B, needs extra protection. So they all, like, case out his art gallery.

He's got a big art show opening. And the one thing I don't understand, like, so Ethan Hawke stole his life. Are these his paintings, or these guys? Yeah, I was curious about that, too, because we never see Ethan Hawke doing any. painting. Well, we see your drawing.

Right. Anyone can draw a Kiefer Sutherland, though. That's true. I could draw a Kiefer Sutherland. I can barely draw a fucking flower. That's part of that like art school program. I was like, you can draw this turtle or Kiefer Sutherland.

Just send it in by mail for your evaluation. Draw this casual or Kiefer Sutherland. I love that the concept of that art school because what they're selling what they're selling you is art test. Yeah, like you were going to draw a turtle or Kiefer Sutherland or a flag or whatever it is, right?

Or Kiefer Sutherland. And you're going to mail your picture of Kiefer Sutherland holding a turtle to some like 90-year-old man. Well, I'll just be here evaluating all the sketches. And you could be creative. It is art if you want to make Kiefer Sutherland a lost boy. Or maybe he's Jack Bauer. You know what might be extra fun, something I do when I draw Kiefer Sutherland, as I draw him as a lost boy as Jack Bauer?

Do you imagine that, kids, if Jack Bower is a vampire? All you have to do is do a little caption balloon that says, Do it now, next to your drawing. That's step two, that's comic books. You don't want to know about that. Oh, I don't read comic books. They're made by the devil. I just draw turtles and Keeper Sutherland.

Oh, this is Donald Sutherland. That's going into garbage. That's the best drawing I've ever seen. But it's of Donald Sutherland, and we're not accepting that. There's a reason why this art aptitude test has a list of suggestions on the side. Because by suggestions, we mean fucking pick one. I want you to be creative. I don't want you to think outside the box.

There's a difference. I'm only good at evaluating pictures of turtles, cashels, and Kiefer Sutherland. Oh, I want this to be real. also if anyone has ever sketched into that aptitude test we all hate movies at gmail i want to know i really want to know listen how much of a hard ass is that guy i feel like he'd be a real real stickler i think it's like encouraging but like you need to improve so send in another drawing of geoffer sulleland and a check for five dollars i've got all these five dollar checks Send them to Happy Dude.

You know, a couple more of these $5 checks, and I'll actually have myself a real castle. I might even have a pet turtle. I'm going to write a letter to Kiefer Sutherland and invite him to my castle. Can I get the trifecta? Got 24 on season one DVD. This is when Kiefer Sutherland enters this movie.

I mean Oh my You're a work of art It's like the Mona Lisa's coming at me Whoa whoa stay right there Let me get my sketch pad He's drawing her like it's as good as it gets Just stand by that

Open Fawcett, Keither Sutherland I used to draw my mother this way before she turned into a turtle. The good thing was, after she turned into a turtle, she extended her life by an extra 75 years. Do you know how long turtles live, Kiefer Sutherland? I'll turn you into a turtle. Turtle Sutherland.

I have a sketch of what that might look like. Which is actually outside the parameters of my aptitude test. But seriously, fuck it, it's my test. Listen, I give the test. I can go outside the parameters, not you. Well, Kiefer, I will sweeten the deal like, if you want to live as a turtle. You ever see that Kevin Smith movie Tusk?

I did that once, but with turtles. That's how I have Turtle Sutherland. All of your stand-ins have been turned into turtles, Keeper. I track them down after you use them. And speaking of taking lives, a French Canadian cop was hot on my heels after that one. So this movie.

Yeah. So Kiefer Sutherland shows up to Ethan Hawke's art gallery opening and like he knows I mean and again we're jumping in the end because fuck it because a lot of this stuff doesn't make sense in the context of the scene.

I will be completely honest with you right now before you say anything. I've seen this movie for this show. I saw it way back when it came out. I have no idea what Kiefer Sutherland's relationship is to anyone in this room. I had to read it on the internet.

Well, they say it in one line. Basically, they were doing, they were doing, like, after Kiever Sutherland dies, blah, blah, blah. Like, you know, well, this is this gnarly car wreck. Well, first of all, he shows up at that art gallery. Yeah. And he's just like, I don't know if he actually says.

What is Ethan? He's like, Ethan Hawke. Hey, come on, he's going to talk to you. He's going to go up to him. And then, like, Ethan Hawks like, that's the guy. That's the guy. Oh, yeah.

Everyone runs after him. And he, like, as we, he throws a guy into a plate glass window and then jumps through it with him. And it's like, dude, later in this movie, he's revealed to be an art heist guy or not even, like, an art forger. Oh, he's a Gary Busey? Yeah, he's a bit of a Gary Busey. Yeah, he's just like this criminal dude named Christopher Hart. Because if you're going to put Keith Rutherland in a movie, he needs to have a handsome name. So Keith Rutherseland throws himself out this window.

And then suddenly, like, he's driving in a car with Ethan Hawke. Like, they're on this... There's a second dude that he uses as a crash pad, by the way. Yeah, he throws a guy into the window. It's a, like, we're going to take you to hell tonight kind of move. It's pretty awesome. And, of course, there's a big street fair going on, like... You know what that is?

It's the same old shit. It's the world-famous Montreal Jazz Festival. Oh, just it happened that night. Also, why are you having your art opening on the... Jazz night, dude. Look, man, a bunch of Hepcats go to the jazz festival. They're pounding all sorts of red wine, right? And then they're Skittily Bob Deaton down the street

back to their Montreal apartment. Oh shit, man. This beautiful art gallery is open. Let's go drunkenly buy some art. Yeah, they're counting on walkins. Very smart. You know, Kiefer, I always thought you'd be a smart business man. Keep your art gallery open during a jazz festival.

You know, Kiefer, I was hoping you'd show up to my gallery opening. It was last week. And no Kiefer Wrote you several letters inviting you to the opening The problem is with all of my Kiefer drawings Is it's always the same shot of him looking at you Kind of like George Rodriguez blue dog

Over and over again The haunting eyes They follow you everywhere Just like I'd hope Kiefer's eyes followed me If he would have come live in my castle as a turtle Oh that picket fence looks pretty sharp Good going, Sarah. Why did he never have someone else that he was evaluating?

Like, show a student and show how you would evaluate something. Or, like, you know, what are your graduates like? What's the graduation rate? What do they go on to do? Two words, folks. Jackson Pollack. Yeah, right. Well, Jackson took all of my courses and then lit my diploma on fire and started to do good art.

You have to know the rules. before you can break them, ladies and gentlemen. The way he started was spilling paint in the shape of Kiefer Sutherland or a castle. So like, oh my God, we know it's Kiefer Sutherland now. We've all seen Kiefer Sutherland. Right.

And like, it's a bad red herring because you know what a movie is, but I can see what it is. Like, oh, let's pay a guy who's like a mid-range celebrity. They're not going to have to pay a whole bunch to be in this movie because you know a red herring

has to be a name or else it doesn't hold any weight. Exactly. Olivia Martinez is not a very successful red herring. No, exactly. This guy is Kiefer Sutherland. Okay, maybe they hired Kiefer Sutherland to be the bad guy. It's kind of boring that they just revealed him in the middle of the movie, but all right. Exactly. Like, he needs to be the helpful neighbor from Jump Street. You know what I mean? Like, this guy's always hanging around. He's following me everywhere.

You know, we are best friends as neighbors go, but now I'm starting to suspect Kiefer Sutherland just might be this taking lives, gentlemen, you're looking for. I can sketch him if you want You get this car chase That results in Ethan Hawk crashing the car It's great I think what you can call it Ethan Hawk is so successfully Convinced everyone that he's not the guy

That he can actually leave town He's like oh I've got a show in Toronto And everyone's like no problem lead suspect Talk to you later Yes we're going to give you a police escort to the plane We are so thoroughly duped by your garbage And this is the worst cop in the world. He's, like, waiting outside.

Kiever Sutherland breaks into Ethan Hawke's house. And they have this weird, like, flirty scene where he's, like, grab in his face. I'm going to get what I want out of you. Oh, yeah. I was like, all right, let's do this. Like, start kissing him right now.

Smelling him anything. It would have been great if it was, he was actually the killer, and he took out a giant rock and bashed Ethan Hawks' face. I wouldn't be against it. And, you know, he's like, I'm going to get what I want out of you. And then they start, like, fighting and stuff. And, like, Ethan Hawks, like, screaming his head off at this cops.

Like, oh, I better go upstairs and see what's going on. It's like, why are you even posted there? And it's like it didn't look like Keith or Selling had much trouble getting into this place. No, exactly. Not at all. He's totally dry. He's well manicured. Ah, so that cop gets murdered.

He gets shot a couple times because you don't know if you see what happens. And then all of a sudden, they're on the road. in this super high speed car chase and like Eric said again Ethan Hawks doing this for his own benefit after we find out after the fact and Ethan Hawk is such a good bad driver

he's able to drive just that side of the car into something you know what to kill him it's insane like there's no way he's pulling this up also you know what this movie doesn't earn or deserve or need is a high speed car chase like you're so desperately trying to be something

like Silence of the Lambs. You know, there's no car chase in Silence of the Lambs, right? Like, Anthony Hopkins doesn't get in some Corvette and just speed away. Although, you know, I wouldn't be against it. Jody Foster's like, I'm coming after you.

It doesn't happen. It's a great, like, three-person car chase. They're driving, and, like, they get stuck at a red light, and they're, like, looking at each other, and then Ted Levine's like, oh, no, and he's on a motor cycle. Yeah, it's like, it's like wacky races. And then, and, and, and,

Hannibal is like guiding, he's like a backseat driver to Starling to go. Yeah, absolutely. Scott Glenn's in the other car with this funny dog. Anthony Hopkins has to be like,

he's got his blinker on. But he's going the other way. Boy is going to signal right, probably going to turn left. Look out for that one. He's smart. So, yeah, Kiefer Sutherland's just dead. He's dead. in this movie for four minutes. He's got six lines of

dialogue. He goes right through the windshield and then Ethan Hawks like, oh, he was the killer. And he takes out a gun and start shooting this lifeless corpse. What in the wide world of sports are we doing in this movie? Angelina Jolese running down the highway

going like, can you stop? Stop shooting random things. And now the car is exploding. Stop shooting that corpse. Oh, that's right. Yeah, the car blows up. That's his thing. He wants to to defigure him to such a degree to fool his dirty

mother. Right. And again. The dirty old battle axe is out again. White criminal privilege. He's waving a gun at this cop firing it. Oh, totally. You're trying. Please stop that. I mean, you're just a suspect so I wouldn't fire

on you, but really you should stop immediately. So then we're at the morgue and they bring Jenna Rollins down and they're just like all right, Jenna Rollins. Like, come in. And there's one area that's not horrendously burned by that car fire. Well, the corpse was so burned terribly. How about if you look at this picture that I drew?

One of the thousands of pictures of your son. Would you say that this is your son riding a dune buggy? Would you say this is your son in a fun sun hat on the beach? Would you say this is your son as a baseball all-star? Oh, no, I open the turtle folder. Hold on. I got to get the key for something I'm told her. Have you ever seen a turtle dressed up as a baseball

All-Star? It's pretty funny. I mean, she's like, oh, I guess that's my son. How do you fuck that up twice, by the way? She is terrible. No, I think this scene is she says no. No, she's not, that's right. Right, because she's like she's like inspecting the corpse

and like opening the eye to see what the son's eye was going. She says the whole thing is like she would never When she spots him at the beginning of the movie, she's like, I would never forget those eyes. He had these, like, piercing eyes. So I guess she looks at Kiefer Sutherland's muddy, lifeless eye. And it's just like, nope.

Oh, Martinez is just like telling her not to touch the corpse. Oh, that's right. And she's like, I will touch whatever. I, please. I will pump the brakes on this because we've gone too far ahead and we've skipped past the sex scene, which is the most important thing of this entire movie. Did that fucking happen?

the fucking did happen 11 years ago the night that Kiefer Sutherland dies everyone gives fucking Ethan Hawke a medal like great job dude oh you solved our case for us totally Jackie Cario pats him on the back and they give and Ethan Hawk and Angelina Jolie give each other this look like you know what's up now right? Yeah and he just like walks over to her and exposes her breasts

and the rights itself. Well, also, she's at home alone. Just like looking through crime scene photos. That's what it is, because the case is solved. So she's taken down all the photos. There's a little rata tat tat at the door. And she opens it, and he's just standing there staring at her. She resisted his charms to this point.

Now the case is over. She thinks she's free to fool or am. He's no longer a suspect or a witness or whatever. Sure. Let's get down to. Fucking. Now we're just two chips passing in the night, man. And let me tell you something about this sex scene. This sex scene is an unbalanced sex scene because you have a completely naked Angelina Jolie. And Ethan Hawke barely unbuttons his top button. Like it's just fly down and that's it. His shirt is on. I think it might still be tucked in. Yeah. And she's just like straddled on this table just completely fucking naked. Like, what? Why? For who? Why is this all of a sudden?

For who? I'll tell you. Thank you so much for including that scene in your movie. I really helped my sketches. I just wish that was Kiefer Sutherland. Yeah, Kiefer Sutherland and Ethan Hawkeh going at it. That's my Slash fiction. If Kiefer Sutherland was flying his arms around fucking naked and Ethan Hawkeh was buttoned up, oh boy. I could sketch that.

find all my stories on art appraisals.tumbler.com But it's just, it's so, it's so out of left field, it's so unnecessary, the nudity is so unnecessary, and it just goes on and on and on and on. It's undeserved. It is, there's no other sexing you ever in this movie or, like. There's nothing else sexy about this movie, and then suddenly you swing for the goddamn fences. What the hell am I watching? And this is the one second, because you keep your Sutherland's dead and like you look at the

time where you're like this 30 minutes left and then like now you're like of course it's Ethan Hawk but the movie tries to throw one more fucking curveball at you and Olivia Martinez is like trying to get Angelina Jolie before she leaves but she's too busy having sex with Ethan Hawk and he's in the lobby of her proposal's oh I'll talk to her tomorrow and then he like leaves one of those little straw men behind and it's like oh yeah it's like oh my god he might have did it no he didn't because he's been talking to Jean Rollins it's the whole fucking movie doesn't make any sense it's so stupid it's like why would you have him leave that Right? It's like, oh, you know what it'll be so funny? I'll leave a trinket from that horrendous serial killer case that we just solved. She'll think that's real hysterical.

So she has sex with him. She wakes up the next day covered in blood because he's got this and this leads to the grossest line in any movie. Oh, yeah. So she wakes up covered in blood. And it's like, oh my God. And you think it's a nightmare. You don't know what's going on. Maybe he killed somebody. Maybe Ethan Hawke's dead. Right. But like he has this wound on his arm from the car accident that opened up. So they go to the hospital and the guys, the doctor's like, oh, the stitches are all busted. You really opened it up last night. And they share this look like, oh, we were opening it up, baby. We were open it up all night long. Split me like a wishbone he did. Like, dude, this look that they exchange, you know, each other. And then what's amazing is while he's still like probably bleeding a little bit and then in pain, the doctor's like, well, I have. to go get something i'll be right back and they're just like yeah yeah you fuck me so hard your stitches ripped huh yeah let's start making out in this emergency room it's like so disgusting it's like i'm so convinced you're not the killer i will fucking kiss you in public listen you got what you wanted out of this guy you're not going to settle down in canada with a starving artist

which you just no you did the deed you dropped them at the hospital grab your hortons on the way to the airport and get the fuck out. That is it. Yeah. Doesn't he, correct me if I'm wrong because I watched a lot of stuff this weekend. Like we had the snowstorms, so I was just like watching movies. Is it not in this movie where he's also

like, well, you know, there's a lot of art gallery space back in America that I could rent in D.C., right? Yeah, he says that and she also drops that she's from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania because it's really important to the end of the movie. By the way, I'm from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

And, yeah, he's basically just like, oh, you work at the FBI, huh? Well, the FBI's in Washington, D.C. There's also art galleries there. And I'm like, really? And she's like, yeah, yeah, maybe. I'm like, you're entertaining this? This is before they even fuck also. This is like when they're just like, maybe.

And so, Gene Rollins realizes it's not him, and she freaks out. She, like, goes, she's so distraught. She's just take the elevator by herself. And whoops, Ethan Hawks there. And he's like, hello, mother. And it's the same thing all these. bad thrillers do is Hello mother

Yes And then at the end of the movie He cannot talk like a person anymore He talks like a Villain Yes This is my real voice I am a bad guy He's all like

Oh hello I'm so crazy now And I can't even imagine talking normally And it's like shut up It says why does your Ethan Hawk if you're listening Why does your serial killer voice Have to sound like a bad Kelsey grammar impression

This was That's the thing is he blows it, you know, by getting too close to Gina or whatever, but he's taking those lives. He's now exonerated his actually, like, you know, like... We know, we... Keep her something charged with all those crimes. And instead, move the fuck off. Take a new life. Yeah. No, because you guys, he fell in love. Oh, that's right. That was the one factor he couldn't account for in his

taking live situation, because he never gets close to anybody in the rest of these lives. You know what? That's it, because you didn't That's why this movie starts with a U-2 song is because it's a little bit romantic. It's just, you know, it's always just a little bit romantic. Now, what I don't understand, and I guess the only explanation is he's caught in the act at the beginning of the movie

because why else would he insert himself into this police investigation? Yeah, I think it's what I mean. He just slipped up this one time, and then, like, he said, oh, I just found this guy street, I was trying to give a mouth-to-mouth I was. You know what? Also, if that's what's going on, why not just bounce

like take another life yep exactly get out of there go up to the northern territories or maybe somewhere over in saskatchewan start over baby so he kills june rollins in this elevator just like stabs her to death and like angela jolie is like

waiting for the elevator because she wants to talk to june rillans and like the door opens his blood everywhere and he's like see you later and he leaves and she's like totally humiliated professionally Oh, ruined. And, you know, everyone's pissed at her. Chequic Cario is yelling at her.

Olivier Martinez slaps her in the face. Just a big, open palm, Vince McMahon slap in the face. I mean, because he hated her to begin with, and she's kind of sort of responsible for the death of his partner, who was his best friend. Right. I mean, it's still wrong. Her sexual desire for Ethan Hawke has led her astray

who had this whole investigation. Dude, that's why. I mean, what this movie's telling you, man, is like, premarital sex is a sin Look what it got her Look what lust got her This is like a Jason movie Right

There's a slasher You punish the promiscuous Totally So Ethan Hawke somehow gets on a train And take somebody else's life And he has like this Now he's on the Orient Express What's gonna happen next?

He takes some dudes life And we find you know And that's the other thing like That sucks is like When you hide the serial killer For this whole time You don't get to see him be a serial killer exactly right i mean that's what that's what

freaking silence of the lambs was so amazingly brilliant about it's like you're with this dude the entire time you're watching him making the skin suit you're watching him take the victims you're also hanging out with another totally awesome serial killer you know like it's doing these things right like this whole mystery element is so unnecessary for this movie like you know how taking lives is a good movie

if he is bouncing from life to life and they're chasing him And he keeps changing identity. Maybe this movie lasts over a span of several years. And you could do like, it's like an evil the fugitive. Yeah. He's like living in some weird Polish lady's basement. And like, you know, she's dyeing his hair and he's murdering people. He's bouncing.

Now he's living in like a Czechoslovakian ladies basement. And he's like killing people and like going into parades. And then the beginning of the movie, which rips off seven, the credits, he's putting on dentures. And he's like, he never does that in this movie. puts on a hat it's like if you've ever taking hats is what he does I'm gonna kill this guy and take his hat

if you ever wanted an excuse to just use silly disguises yeah you don't on if you cast Johnny Depp in the Ethan Hawk roll yeah I guarantee you he's insisting on disguising oh fake noses you love silly putty yeah he's taking this role

for a walk absolutely and that's what this needs if you're gonna do this I need to see him take a life, take over a life. Many different lives, preferably. Exactly. This movie stretches 15 years. It's like Zodiac. You see them all get older.

Angelina Jolie, maybe she's married at the beginning. Like, she's so obsessed with the case, right? That like her marriage falls apart, like somewhere halfway through the movie, because just years are ticking by. Her kids grow up. She still can't find this guy. You know what I mean? She keeps fighting Ethan Hawk-esque kind of people

working at various blockbusters and things. She accidentally stumbles on Kaiser Sozee. Oh, not you, sir. No, I'm looking for another gentleman. Carry on, Kaiser Soze. And, you know, like, so he's, like, talking to her, like, the riddler on this train. And he's like, oh, you never even guessed who I was. And it's like, oh, shut up.

Oh, I forgot there's a cell phone call. Of course, there's a cell phone call. An 11th hour's cell phone confession. And, like, you know, she's keeping on the line to, you know, to track him. And that goes to nothing because they can't find him. And she goes back to America, gets fired. all the hell. It's great because I was so excited. I was like if they, if she's, is it really professionally humiliated by what is the worst thing a detective can do. Yep. She, this movie's

bullshit. Yeah. She gets fired. She gets good and fired. And then we cut to like some time later. I believe it's unspecified. Yeah, it is unspecified. You tell by the next scene. But so it's like Angelina Jolie. She's like in a store. She's like getting some things, you know. She goes to the post office. And it's like they're being very careful about how. how you see her, you know, until she goes, yeah, it's not a store, it's the post office. When she turns to exit the post office, it's revealed she's got a belly bump, you know, baby bump. And I was like, what is this, DeGrassey Jr. High? Everybody gets pregnant the first time they have sex. Like, really, does that need to happen?

Maybe because the other thing is, we didn't see it. But that, like, suture, tearing, lovemaking that was going on. I think it was more than what we saw. Well, she does say you came inside me, or he says I came inside. Oh, jeez. Too much info. Those kinds of lines and movies, I don't need it, man. No, thank you. I'd rather it flung across the room. I would rather bigs, just indiscriminately throwing it at people. Like in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore's like, you can come in me. I'm fixed. I'm fixed. Or another version of that is Cameron Diaz and Vanilla Sky. I swallowed your cum. That's got to mean something.

Dude, let me, I don't know if I've ever told this story before on the show. Oh, here we go. I can tell this one. Oh, this is great. So when Cameron Crow's Vanilla Sky remake came out, I was working at the multiplex at the time, you know, and it was like a small staff. So during the week, I was the projectionist, but then it was like, oh, there's two people that have to restock the concession stand.

Could you go around all the theaters? Make sure the volume's okay, air conditioning, all the quality control stuff. So I'm walking around all the theaters, and I get to the Vanilla Sky Theater. And it's like a Tuesday or something like that. It's the late show. there's two people in this theater

and it's clearly a mother and a daughter and I'm just like flashlight do to do you know walking through and I'm walking up the aisle right as Cameron Diaz is saying that I swallowed your come like right before they get in the car accident

and I just look and the teenage girl looks at me like oh fuck and then the mom is sitting there just going what are we watching Dude, it was so uncomfortable. The three of us were just like,

Ew. That you shared that moment with everybody. Like, I just wanted to, like, go up to stop the projector, run down, like, turn the lights on and be like, okay, let's just talk about this. Can we all agree this was the worst thing to happen to us all day? It was horrendous. That's awesome. So she's got this baby bum.

She's got a baby bum, you know. It's like, oh, my God, she's pregnant. And she's also got, like, two cribs. because obviously it would be twins. Twins. That's how twins work, you know. Yeah, twins beget, twins beget twins. That's right.

She's got to splatter one on a rock when she figures out which one's evil. And of course, Ethan Hawke shows up and, like, sits her down. And, like, she goes out of the table to reach for her gun, but he's already gotten. And he's like, I've gotten all the guns you've been hiding in that.

Which is hilarious. And he's talking about, like, it's twins. I knew it would be, well, this. that and the other thing. Going on all about this exposition. Yeah, he's been watching her for months, this, that, and the other thing. And then he fucking stabs her

in the baby bump and you're like, oh wow, this just got totally extreme. Killing baby. The Skip Woods did a pass on this script for a second. But no, it's, this is how she gets him. It was a fake baby bump

the whole time. Oh yeah, totally dude. She like takes this thing off and just like pulls it up like nope drops it you can see like the little like stab wound in it too and everything uh then is she just shoots him to death i forget no she takes the scissors and stabs him in a right he stabs her with stabs her with scissors she goes down like oh i totally lost my beebees and he's like ha ha ha ha and then she grabs the citizen stabs that's right that's right by the way this movie is so memorable both me and andrew in that moment had forgotten how how the how it ended how he was murdered how the one true villain dies yeah because this movie takes so long to get where

it's going i didn't give a crap i mean this epilogue is so long like the parlor scene yeah between the two of him they exchange a really uncomfortable kiss too yeah because like she's at the beginning of this whole situation she's trying to play it like oh i'm happy to see him kind of a thing and they really do have this gross like she doesn't want her mouth to touch his mouth but he's like down to start kissing and it's just like a they're both actually pretty good in this movie for the most part

pretty good looking they are pretty I think she's fine in this movie dude that interrogation scene he's terrible no he's not very good no I'm sorry she's good in this movie

she's good Jenna Rollins is fairly good in this movie I mean that's the end of the movie and it's like she calls Checky Cario and she's like it's done and he's like oh thank goodness I had not earned from you in so long I was starting to get worried

I was like, shut up, dude. Why would you be in on this? Oh, hey, just so you know, remember how you came up here and I hired you and then you fucked that criminal now? I am now unemployed. And my family's on the street. So glad, blue. I am so glad you got your man. I am eating out of trash cans.

Thank you for calling me at the homeless shelter. To let me know your case was wrapped. I was thinking about this, though, when I thought she was pregnant, and I was like, oh, dude, like, if you get pregnant in Canada by a serial killer, can you get that abortion for free? Like, can you go back up? Ooh, yeah. You know, they got Obamacare, I think, sure.

They've got Obamacare like times two up there, bro. Whoa, double Obamas. They've got so many Obamacare's up there. It's nuts. Dude, ironically, double Obama is actually a slur, like, down in some southern say, well, yeah, double Obama on you, motherfucker. I think that's a thing. And then they flug a beer can at your head.

A bunch of rednecks say double Obama on you. They're like, whoa, man, take it easy. Throwing the O word around. There's a clan rally, not a frat party. What was which? And that's it. We also go out on a U2 song. I don't think it's the same U2 song.

I forget. It's U2's I don't care. it's too much you do no you two i don't care it's called vertigo i don't know man it might be called elevation it might be called that whole album might be called the 2000 it might be called the last 30 years

dude i heard that news report that like bono was in a bicycling accident and he quote may never play guitar again did you hear what the edge said about that incident what andrewdn said was i'm all right with that What did the edge have to say? Dude, the edge let it out, dude. Oh, what did he say? Because people were like, well, why didn't, if Bono broke his arm so severely in, like,

middle of New York City, like, how did no one take a picture or the paparazzi didn't get to him? And the edge apparently said that when Bono bicycles around New York City, he does it disguised as a Hasidic Jew. Oh, yeah. What? Yeah. Stop it. Like a big coat. the curls or something.

And then he's just on a bike? Yeah. And then I guess people leave him alone. That's awesome. I don't, you know, listeners at home, the edge may have been pulling our legs, but I think it's true. I think this is happening. Oh, man.

Would anybody recommend taking lives? No, there's nothing here. And I mean, like, it is. Well, there's one scene. I'm joking. I do think that, you know, Ethan Hawke is not like one of those guys that. just because he's in a movie, it's guaranteed I'm going to like it.

Actually, almost kind of the opposite. I just feel like he hasn't had a lot of movies that I've really enjoyed. I mean, I'm trying to think... I think he's good, and I think he's fine. I just don't know, like, oh, man, all the Ethan Hawk movie. I'm going to have an Ethan Hawk film festival tonight.

Well, I mean, the thing about it is, like, I'm trying to think of non-Richard Linklader projects that I think he's truly fantastic in. I'm in that camp that Gattaca is a good movie, but I don't know how much of that is Ethan Hawk necessarily. Right, yeah, I kind of like that movie, too. I mean, he's done mostly, especially lately. Yeah.

That Daybreakers is wretched. The Purge? Daybreakers, what's that? That's a vampire movie with him and I think, uh, somebody else. Willem DeFoe's in it. Oh, yeesh. No, I didn't see that. It's like vampire world, the movie.

It's stupid. Oh, yes. Yeah. I do remember that now. It's one of those, like, everybody's a vampire. There's like blood coffee and stupid shit like that. totally purge he was in he didn't show up for purge anarchy uh getaway a previous episode getaway's terrible uh he didn't show up for purge anarchy because he got

murdered at the end of purge oh shit dude that movie has some of the dumbest twists and turns you'll ever see in your life i don't like reality bites i rewatched it oh really yeah that's one of those movies that i think like i haven't seen it since the good old days yeah but you know i think your cynical heart can't take it anymore i don't i think i think i think i I think it would, yeah, it wouldn't work out. But like, you know, the twilight of high school, you're watching reality bites thinking like, yeah, man, yeah. No, your heart's too cold now. But it's storm, you know, it steered me wrong.

I should have been going corporate like Ben Stiller. Fucking make something, make something of myself. If only you knew. Look what happened. Yeah, I'm just fucking sitting around drinking beers, drawing Keith or Sutherland pictures, going, going nowhere. like Ethan Hawke. That's Taking Lives from 2004, directed by DJ Caruso.

If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, whhmpodcast.com. Follow us on, like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast right into the mailbag.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. What is your opinion about some non-richard linklater starring Ethan Hawk films? Do we think he's going to win the Oscar? We should probably say that, right? I think J.K. Simmons has got this wrapped around his little finger. Wow, you think so?

I do now. I've changed my opinion. It makes sense. I mean, it depends. If they're really pushing for boyhood, you know what I mean? Like, I think it'll be good. Or if they just want to give something to boyhood, they would give it to give him that. I think they're going to give it to Patricia Arquette. She should win in that category.

That movie is hers. But the more I think about Whiplash, the more and more I like it, I think. I mean, and talking about that, that is, J.K. Simmons movie. Yeah. Yes. There's nothing else in that movie. I'll be thrilled if he wins.

I mean, I'm middling hawk, but I think he's really good in that movie. He would deserve to win if he does, but I think that I'd like to see Simmons. Let me tell you the other thing about J.K. Simmons winning this, too. What a feather in the cap of character actors everywhere. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, exactly. To have, like, a seasoned veteran character actor go on to win an Academy Award.

that's kind of like my dream for Ernie Hudson. Yeah. Or Daniel Stern. That's another one of my Oscar dreams. I know, dude. I keep dreaming. It's the Oz thing, man. That's kind of exciting.

It is. And you never thought he was going to do it. He's so good on that show for so long. You know what I mean? And he's done a ton of great little performances. He's great as Jay Jonah Jameson, et cetera. Academy Award winner, Vern Schillinger. Exactly.

Are you think Beecher's going to take him out at the ceremony? I think that might happen, dude. They're going to start trying to reenact some Hamlet. So Clue for next week's episode, we are doing the best supporting actress category, and we will say, Patricia Arquette. So Patty Arquette next week on We Hate Movies. Until then, I'm Andrew Juppin. Eric Siska. Stevenson.

Take it easy.