We Hate Movies - S5 Ep192: White Noise

Episode Date: February 24, 2015

On this episode, the gang takes apart the dull-as-dirt Michael Keaton ghost movie, White Noise! How famous does an author have to be before getting their disappearance covered on national news? Why doesn't Michael Keaton's character immediately call the cops on this EVP "expert"? And were they serious with that construction worker? PLUS: A major show development is revealed! White Noise stars Michael Keaton, Ian McNeice, Deborah Kara Unger and Chandra West; directed by Geoffrey Sax. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadeh. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. if you are new to our fine program,

thank you so much for checking us out. We appreciate you taking some time out of your commute to dedicate to us, you know? Right? And so this is weird because this is the final episode of our Oscar month, even though the Oscars were two days ago.

So either congratulations, Michael Keaton, or sorry, Michael Keaton. We don't know yet. You get her next time, champ. We are recording, you know, the Thursday before the Oscars. We're all pumped, but hey, you know, nobody knows.

This is weird. Are you really pumped for the year? Oscars though? No, because actually in my line of work it means depending upon things that win or lose there's a whole lot of bullshit for me to do on Monday morning. Sure. So, yeah, it's kind of like a, it's like an extra

work thing I have to pay attention to. So no, I'm not psyched for it at all. I've just sort of, I've always been nonplussed. I mean, I like the Oscars. I like the pageantry of it. Oh, yes. You see them come out there and struck their stuff. Who is the best movie in the universe this year? I mean, to me,

there is something like the tradition of watching it. I've watched it like every year since I was a kid. Oh, I'll watch it every year. It's a cheesy award show just like anything else. It doesn't mean anything. I hope, again, because we're recording this in the past, I hope that Neil Patrick Harris was a good host. He's fantastic. This is the past?

All right. I won't. Okay, I won't spoil. Actually, Eric, we're all long dead. Oh. Oh, shit. Yeah, dude. We're a bunch of ghost white noise. R-I-P-D, dude. We're all in the white noise. We're just voices on a podcast? Yeah, we're just voices. We haven't existed for years. Oh, my God.

Like, don't you remember, dude, we recorded Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and then there was that gas explosion and all four of us died. We all went into the soundboard and then into the Mac and then we're internet ghosts. Yeah, dude, we're ghosts in the machine. Well, this is the worst things to be. I guess that's true. You could be in white noise. So this is white noise from 2005. It's directed by Jeffrey Sachs.

Now, it's a movie white noise. It's not white noise like the December's new album and or people talking about Jimmy Fallon. or yelling, Yeha! That's definitely a white, the whitest noise you could make. Is it, yeah.

All right, can we do, because we've all been doing it before we went on the air, go around and we'll do, like, who has the best white noise impression? So,

Steve, we'll start with you. All right, so that's pretty good. Eric. Hey, stop it. I'm going to die. All right,

now here's me. now now tweet at us at w hm podcast who you think had the best white tweeted a ghost please tweet it or ghosts yes but also please adjust all the levels in that and those moments of audio and see if there's any haunting messages Jesus Christ this movie is like I hope you like watching Michael Keaton look at shit the movie Michael Keaton look bored the entire time he's thinking about everything but being in white noise. Speaking of shit real quick,

I just want to address something. Now, if you haven't heard last week's episode on the seventh son, Steve brings up this mailing garbage idea to people. Oh, right. Not a great segue, but I don't want to forget this.

I don't want to forget this to be minus of a segue. Well, I did say speaking of shit. Did I, had I just recently said shit? Someone's always saying shit. Yeah, yeah.

I guess that's all right. So, all right. So, all right. So, yes, this story is fantastic. Well, okay, a long time ago. No, actually, someone told me this, and I think it's kind of like almost like New York City folklore at this point. Oh, this didn't actually happen to you?

This happened to someone I know. Oh, it's definitely an urban legend. No, no, no, no, no, no. Someone I know very well. So there's this crazy woman, right? Uh-huh. And one of the things about her was after 9-11 happened, she decided that she owned ground zero and she went she was going around trying to sell the land or the rights to develop the World Trade Center again what and uh she would all she would go around to government offices in the city sure until and and apparently there's like i don't know what her name is but

but there's even supposedly a Facebook page devoted to like crazy stories about this woman. Oh, awesome. And one of the big things she does is she mails her garbage to PBS. Oh, PBS doesn't need it. Don't pick on them. NPR and like WNYC.

She's going after like public institutions. She's got like an axtagrant against the government or something. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Oh my God. Mail in your garbage, huh? It's just so crazy. And then also when like, you know,

know she goes to these government offices to complain about everything and when they and when these people are at their wits end and tell her to please leave yeah you know what she does then she looks at everyone and she goes you have AIDS and you have AIDS and you all have AIDS what you liberals have AIDS and that is that is mailing garbage wait so this woman's like still alive I as of like a year or two go yeah fingers crossed, huh? She might be white noise now. Maybe she'll run for mayor. Or like some sort of

like, you know, elected office. Put her money where her mouth is. Her garbage mouth. You know, honestly, it might be maybe the post office handled my garbage. It would be a little bit better than what's going on on the streets of New York. So what is going on, by the way, in

this movie? Yeah, it's Michael Keaton plays an architect because it's like one of the five movie jobs you can have. And, And he's got a wife who's a novelist, and then she goes missing. That's another movie job, by the way. Oh, yeah. How about this?

I would wager that there are the number of movie architects outnumbers actual real-world architects. Oh, 100%. Right? That's probably a thing that's not impossible. Same thing with people who identify themselves as con artists. There are definitely so fewer actual working con artists. Way more cinematic con artists. In real life, we call them grifters.

Do you think if Michael Keaton winds up losing that Academy Award, he may or may not have won at this point when this episode comes out, he's going to call somebody a cinematic con artist? Like if a link later wins over in your retours something. That fucking con artist, that movie con artist. Oh, yeah, definitely. Like a bitter after party So he's also got a kid

And he's like this is like the second wife Yeah stepmom situation She also may or may not be pregnant At the beginning of the movie Which he's super excited about at almost 60 years old I mean she's no she's definitely pregnant Definitely yeah I would say she well she has a positive like test

But they haven't been to a doctor Only later in the Bullshit on that test Well no sometimes it's called a false positive It happens She even said because he's like oh my god i'm gonna go downstairs and tell mike he's got a kid brother and she's like slow down well yeah that's like crazy because like you know what miscarriage has happened everybody let's just like cool it on

telling little kids that they got a little brother or it's a false positive yes and then you take a couple more tests and you go to a doctor and he's like hey man you're pregnant well you know i did not know it was this complicated um yeah so like the kids there she she goes off to drive the kid off to school right he's got to go off and be an architect that he's super excited that his wife is pregnant. Even though he's just like dancing through the office, like get ready to get my wife some flowers and chocolate secretary. And the secretary's like, something seems off.

And I'm like, fucking really, Lorraine? You know, and he's like, oh, he's going to have all sorts of sex tonight. So he gets, it gets his apartment all ready for sex. And he's like kind of dancing around the apartment. Oh, this is the house. This is the beautiful bay house. Yeah, he designed with his two little arms. And he had his multiplicity.

brothers build for him. Is he an architect in that movie, too? Yes, he is, actually. He's definitely an architect. And you know what? In the Batman movies, he's the architect of Gotham Salvation.

You're right. Doesn't end. You go to the movie unemployment line. It's architect or novelist. In Beetlejuice, he's the architect of Gina Davis's irritation. So there you go.

I don't know. But he, his boom box starts making all sorts. He's got this really prominently placed boom box in the middle of his house. And it is a baboon box in 2005. Come on. But it does have MP3 capability because that's written on there. Oh, okay. All right.

But you could definitely play your CDs and your tapes. Right. It was that weird like Venn diagram when all were in play. Man, I hated those devices because like one part of it was always, like cheaper than the other part and it was usually the CD part. Yeah. Radio reception was like fantastic. The tape deck of course worked and then your

CDs always brand new CDs would skip for no reason. Yeah. Because it was a piece of shit. So yeah, like right away like he's like, oh hey Mikey, did you flip with the radio? And he's like, no, I didn't dad. And it's like, oh, the ghosts are already settling in. Right. Because it could not possibly

be like a flaw in this badly designed boom box it's not like you you left like the microwave on or something and it's just interfering with the transmission it would have to be ghosts so she's like you know oh i'm going out with my friend tonight because like she got out of a relationship or something you know he's like okay i'll wait up for you and do architect things in the kitchen until you come back and she just doesn't come back and we go into like the wife is missing and this is what's amazing to me is i think total tops and like Steve you read a lot more than I do

but I think total tops there's maybe like less than 10 globally known writers you got like a Stephen King like these superstar writers right so like a Stephen King a J.K. Rowling you know what I mean

yeah I mean if you're talking about the absolute top top top sure because like CNN is covering this woman's missing case right and they're like internationally known author has been missing for days. And her husband, the famous architect, Michael Keaton. And I'm like, listen, the news is not covering this as heavily.

She's a pretty white lady goes missing. Yeah, that's good. You're totally right. The whole fucking world stops. And if you get a prominent architect with a prominent novelist, there's American royalty. That's our, that's our, God, what are they? Mary Kate and Ben, what does it? Is that Prince's name?

William? And Kate Middleton. Yes. Mary Kate is half of those twins that used to be on TV. American World League. They're white noise now. That would be. Wait, what?

They're dead? No, they're not. But I mean, wouldn't that be weirder if white noise was just like weird, like, you know, TV reruns talking at you all the time? Holy shit. Yeah. That's like, that's fucked up. Yeah. If they just, and it's an episode you've watched before, right?

So, like, you're watching Seinfeld and. Kramer bursts in and throws the money down on the table and he's like, I'm out. I'm out of the contest. Did you see that coming, Steve? And you're like, what? I've seen this a thousand times. Yeah, I know, Steve. That's why I can take a break from the dialogue you love so much and talk to you for a few minutes. Wait, wait. Now, we're saying that Michael Richards in the show is turning to the camera and saying. Yeah, talking to you. It's weird white noise now. It's like white noise ghost TV. Funny side story. My great grandmother had Alzheimer's in the end. Similar thing happened to her.

Are you serious? She thought Kramer was talking to her? She thought Dan Rather was talking to her. Well, he was, dude. I mean, Dan Rather talked to us all. Well, Dan Rather was sending money and where's the money? Where are you guys taking

the money? Oh, you're taking my rather money? Yeah. You're rather bucks? That sucks. No, yeah. That's a sad story. It is a sad story. I got something kind of similar, and it's actually more white noise than not. It's an angel of one to white noise.

is where is it? It's like a six and a half. Okay. It's an Andrew Jupin ghost story. My great grandmother, right? My Nana, nice old Irish lady, right? Towards the end,

she had like a brain tumor. So it was like making her see shit, right? So we're sitting around one day watching a Roseanne rerun and we're like kids. And it's like me and my brother and sister in front of the TV. And my mom comes in and she's like, hey, everybody,

I'm going to order us some pizzas for dinner and we're going to have dinner at Nana's house. And we're like, all right, whatever. Roseanne's on. That was the country's attitude back then Exactly right And so my nana turns to my mom And she's like, that's good

But make sure you order enough for everybody Like get like an extra large pizza or whatever And my mom's like Well nana, that's fine It's just the two of us and the three kids And she goes, yes But what about the two gentlemen And the white coats in the doorway?

Dude, I fucking shit my pants watching Roseanne It was terrified I was waiting for you to say That's not enough for John Goodman yeah i'll need a i'll need a double extra double cheese on that he's just talking to her from through the tv oh my god dude it was terrifying well you could really we could spin all sorts of personal tales because nothing happens in this movie

literally almost next to nothing happens we spend 10 minutes of michael keaton and again like you think about your you're gone girls or whatever and like people not even gone girl but like a story of a man actually missing his wife like nowhere is Michael Keaton implicated in this thing like he's a he should be the number one suspect he definitely

there's a useless detective who has nothing to do with the wife's disappearance but like when people around him start dying later there's this detective character who's like wow man you keep being on the scene of all these grisly murders that's strange end of discussion there's no scene where he's

like something about this saying, right, Michael Keaton, you're going to be going down for this, I'm going to tie you to it somehow. Nothing. Useless detective character. But what's also useless is Michael Keaton isn't even like being begrieved at all. They never show, it's all montages of him like just looking at radios.

You know what I mean? Like inconvenienced and stressed out that she's missing. Exactly. And then like we cut, finally this fat guy. He's waiting for her to come back from the store. This fat guy starts following him, right? That's when the movie really starts to pick up. Right.

When this creepy fat guy starts stalking you, the fat guy from Ace Ventura, too, by the way. Nothing more sinister than that. You're just seeing a fat guy around all the time, the same fat guy? What is more terrifying to you? Being followed around by a mysterious fat guy or being followed around by a tall slender man? Oh, God. You know what?

Slender man is scarier because a slender man can do damage. I feel like I could get the fat guy if I needed to. Or at least outrun him. Right. Oh, yeah, the slender man's going to chase me away. Are we talking about the mythical slender man now? from the internet? Yeah, either him or like that dude who played lurch

in the Adams family movies. Speaking of white noise, Slender Man does do like white noise noises out of his face. Are you kidding me? I think so. Well, we're really tying the room together with this one, huh? Yeah. What does a fact guy do?

I guess fart. Is that kind of a white noise? Ask an 80s comedy. It's either farting or burping. My life isn't 80s comedy. I was really trying not to tell the story on the air because it's not a story but right before I got on it's really really cold in New York

right and I work in Times Square and right before the subway this older gentleman and his wife he's honey honey honey honey stop and he stops and he like holds on to his wife for support and farts really loud in what world were you not going to tell that story

seriously in what world did you think that didn't qualify as a story that's totally a story That's like the best thing I've ever heard. It's the best thing I've heard all week, hands down. It's Thursday, too. I heard a lot of things on it. He goes, oh, all right, let's go.

Did his knees buckle? He really will lead in, and he used his wife for support to make it through the event. Did you see the expression on her face? She was a little disgusted. But she's supportive. Yeah, she was. She was only a little disgusted because it, Not the first time that that's happened.

Man, I want to know where they ate before this. There's a bunch of apple bees around there. Did you get a whiff? No, well, it's so cold. I think just died on impact. It froze in the air and fell to the ground and shattered. That's the one perk of this cold winter. Oh, man.

So this fat guy is like, hey, man. Ian McNeese, by the way, is his name. Yes, he is in Ace Ventura, too. No, I mean, I'm sure he's farted. I'm sure he has some balance crippling farts. as well. Good God. So he's like, hold on, do you think

that's when you realize you need a fat guy cane is when you can't even fart under your own steam anymore? That might be it. That's when you realize, oh, I did a fat guy walk in stick. It's either that or when it takes you like 20 minutes to get out of a chair. Oh, yeah, that there's one of the other.

Also, like, if you fart like that and you fall down to break your hip and you got to live with that knowledge that the fart did it. Dude, you have to tell the doctor because he's going to be like how did this happen did you slip on ice there's so much ice outside no i farted and i buckled and you better fell to the ground and you better be honest too because if you say you slipped on ice the doctor would be like well this impact does not look like ice this does not it something's off yeah there's something off here you gotta be honest with me did you

fart so it's been like a month since michael keaton's wife is missing and then ian mcnees is like follows him outside of his house follows him through his office and then finally he's like hey fat guy what's going on here What's your big problem, fat guy? And he's like, hey, look, you know, I didn't mean to really talk to you, but your wife's been talking to me via the white noise. And, you know. That's because he killed her, right?

That's what I would think. Exactly. She's been missing. And he never even goes to the cops about this guy. Like, any creepo fucking dude comes up. You're like, oh, your wife loved you so much. Yeah, totally. Yeah, cut to Michael Keaton hiring a private investigator.

Call the police right away. Definitely call the police. And, like, he's like, you know, I've got these tapes with your wife on him. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Also, though, he really breaks the news to him in the most unprofessional. Like, listen, man, you are like a full-time ghost hunter or whatever you're doing, I guess, for a living. That's what you call a con artist, by the way. Yeah, it's a movie grifter.

They call him con artist. But he's like, he's saying all the shit or whatever. And he's like, your wife is dead. And it's like, dude, you need to be like, hey, man, you might want to sit down for this. I have some information. Some new facts have come to light. You know what I mean? And you're like, all right, I will accept your business card and go back inside without calling the police.

Now, how much do I have to give you to talk to my dead wife to communicate with her? Like, there's a racket here. You know, it's not, I don't think it's shown in the film, but Michael Keaton's paying this guy. Money's changing hands, especially to think so. For Kara Unger, too. She's coming over his house all the time. He's got clients. He's like a paranormal researcher, investigator, or whatever. Yeah, dude, this is a bigger racket than psychiatry. Man, that's...

Everyone's just coming over, laying down, hearing things in the white noise. 50 bucks, please. That's really upsetting. Well, it's the storage. You know, you can knock them on storage fees. Like, oh, no, the listening's fine, but it's all these tapes. Right. Oh, yeah, the tape stock.

Hard drives? There's a lot of hard costs. He's like, yeah, yeah, whatever fact guy. Then immediately he gets a call that, oh, my God, your wife is dead. Yeah, the police show up. And apparently the story that everyone believes is that this woman got, we're in Toronto, by the way. We're totally in Canada. Isn't it Vancouver, I thought? You're probably right. It is Vancouver. Yeah. So she got a fly, but I think the movie probably takes place in America. They never really to specify. No. She got a flat by the, by the, by the ghost town. Sorry, it's ghost town, Canada.

By the bed of a river, the prevailing theory is whilst trying to fix this flat, she slipped on a rock, hit her head, and then drowned to death. Yep. That's what the detectives is. That's the story. There it is. But then somehow the body

went like up river, like against the current, like a fucking salmon. It just makes no... How is there not... Hey Canada, how about a guardrail? Or maybe a Mountie on patrol. Isn't that what they have? But listen, the point is, they're saying like, she fell, she broke her arm and hit her head and then went up river. And not one police officer is like, you know what, Michael Keaton? Why don't you just hang out? Yeah. Why don't you make sure you're talking to a lawyer? Because this is looking really bad for you right now. You just found out. I'm sorry, you told this other you found out that she was pregnant. You fucking off to your pregnant wife. They don't even, Do they ever find her corpse?

Yeah, they do. That's when the police come. They bury her. All right, great. And they, uh, they find it and they bury it. Well, because I was just thinking like, come on, find this bloated corpse in the water. Yeah, they do. They don't show you, you know, get it fished out.

I need it shown. There's no grisly violence at all in this movie. I mean, if I can see Laura Palmer's corpse at the start of every episode of Twin Peaks, I want to see one corpse in this spooky movie. this is like a horror movie kind of right yeah it's kind of a horror movie great great description of this movie it's kind of a horror movie so they're like yeah she died in these really mysterious circumstances guess that's it best of luck with the funeral well you're a prominent upstanding architect you couldn't have you couldn't have an architected a death

now could you architected a death it's Canada also why does it triple a exist in Canada oh I got a flat let me just use my flip phone cell phone that everyone has in this movie and just call AAA and be like, I'm not going into the murky depths to fix this fucking flat tire. Well, we'll find out at the end of the movie why she never

got to call Canadian AAA. Which I think is triple B. Everything's just a little different in Canada. So we finally get to six months later, which is like, you're waiting for it in the beginning. Because once the wife shows up and she's all happy and she's like,

oh my God, I'm pregnant. You're like, well, she's fucking dead. Like, let's just get to the beginning of the movie where she dies. Yeah, exactly. I thought that little kid was dead, too, because she's like, I want to take little Timmy off to school. See you later, never again, Timmy. Well, what they do, they set it up like, enjoy being a little boy ghost. What they do, and this is like bad movies do this all the time, it's like you're doing kind of fast shot,

reverse shot as someone's backing out of a driveway and your awesome convertible VW bug, by the way. Very nice. And like she backs up into the street. and then it cuts back to Michael Keaton and then rapidly cuts back to her and I was like they're getting hit by a truck or the less elegant uh oh you hear you watch

Michael Keaton go back into the house you hear a crash and then a hubcap rolls by that's the that's the budget way to do that car crash sound then just a PA throws a hubcap down the street yeah they didn't have enough money for the

a burning tire I prefer the burning tire Well, we can roll the tire But we got to give it back to Old Man Peabody At the end of the shoot So we can't set it on fire You're not burning my tires Nobody burns my tires but me

You can rent it Roll it down the street And you bring it back $55 Tire roll And that takes me back to the Great Depression Speaking of the Great Depression That's what Michael Keaton's feeling

I guess And that's when this movie, you realize what's going on in this movie is that this movie wants to be a J-Harve, a Japanese horror film, right? Thanks for specifying. Well, you know, not everybody, you know, knows the slang of J-Harrer, right? So, so all of a sudden this movie, it starts raining. He moves into a very gray, boxy, Japanese looking apart. Absolutely, there's no doors anywhere. No.

But it is, you know. really, you know, minimalist and nice. Well, he's still an architect, man. He still has to have taste. Dude, not for nothing. Again, why I'm looking at Michael Keaton for this murder beef. Thank you. He's the sole heir of whatever the fuck.

He's got internationally known author with a new book coming out. Exactly. A new book called Eternal Weight coming out. Do you guess what those are? Sky high numbers. You know it, dude. The fucking morbid creeps are going to come out of the woodwork to buy her last novel. This fat guy's. probably got 12 of them.

I got her to sign them for me from beyond the grave. And, you know, like, they have the life insurance and stuff. Oh, yeah. All the checks are coming in. He's like, and then he's, I'm sure he sold that house. He probably didn't just abandon it. No, he didn't take a bath. This is, like, during the housing boom.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. This guy's richer than God now. See, but what you can't do, though, because I learned this movie lesson around the same time when this movie came out, that movie, the exorcism of, Emily Rose, which is a movie where there's like paranormal shit going on and Laura Linney's like a skeptic lawyer and blah, blah, blah. And it's a courtroom drama

coupled with a horror movie. So we you got to be careful when you're like, you want the police to come after him because like horror movie plus like crime drama on the side like crime domestic drama like might not work out. I mean, this movie doesn't work out. So at least try it. Give it something. But what I was when I was watching it the second time i was like oh yeah like this looks like the ring or those movies like which which one is it remade from well that i looked and it's nothing this is original material

this was the uh we were in had ring fever back back in 2006 2005 because oh yeah the ring came out 2002 yep and everybody was just going nuts over that and i think by the time 2005 rolled around too i think that sequel the american sequel to the ring was out too yeah the grudge the eye I don't know all that shit With all these effects too Which is really bizarre in this movie Like right when it's at the start Like when his radio is on the fritz

Like and we're just hearing that White noise But we also have to cut to like a The whole screen cuts to like a static television Yeah It's like wait what Am I is that Is that I guess that's the

Visual interpretation of sounds Well also when the TV's on like that It's called white noise Right Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm listening to my boombox, buddy. I don't have a TV on. Yeah, I guess you're totally right. And also, if you saw this movie in the theaters, like I totally did,

you know that you're watching a movie screen. So the effect is also useless. If they're going for the effect of like, oh, no, the video went out. Like sometimes in movies, it's like, we're going to burn the film frame. And it's like the projector broke, which is like pointless now with digital. You're talking about Gremlins, too. Yeah, Gremlins too doesn't play that well anymore. Hey, Gremlins!

What's great about Gremlin's too is that whole scene is designed to be like watching it in the theater. Yeah, exactly. And it had no idea that no one would see it in the theater. Well, most people, you know... How could they have known, dude?

How could they have guessed? You think Hulk Hogan got to keep one of those Gremlins? I'll do this movie where I got to take home a Gremlin. And he was definitely calling him Gramlins the whole time. Yo, Tanya! Wait a Gremlin! Is that what was his wife's

Linda? Linda. Linda. Where's the tuna? I loved being in Gremlin's too. Ain't too much fucking pork. Oh man, the best dialogue in any celebrity sex tape ever. Hulk Hogan burps holds his, holds his like abdominal area.

It just goes, oh, shouldn't eat all that pork. And the woman is laying in the bed like, what am I doing? Dude, 10 years, the Hulk Hogan's, new sex tape is going to be him clutching a woman and farting. It's like a grambling came out of there. He's getting advanced

in age. He's getting up there. Now Michael Keaton is getting like oh my God, he's getting, which so much of this movie is like, just throw it up there, see what happens. We don't have to pay it off. Nothing gets paid off ever in this movie. No, not at all. He keeps getting phone calls from his dead ex-wife

from her phone, which is. totally turned off the whole spooky. And they're doing the horse shit that I hate when horror movies do because it's everyone if I'm remembering the root of the trope correctly. It's the story of the Amityville horror

which was like every night at whatever time like horse shit happened and like horror movies have just like taken that and ran with it and this movie it's like at 2.30 in the morning you know like he he gets the knock from the cops at 2.30 in the morning the fucking phone goes on.

I don't understand what they never Is that when she died? Who is dying at 2.30 on the dot, dude? You know what I mean? Like if you're going to do that, she fucking died at 2.37. You know, that's, that points to mechanical error, right?

Your phone's all weird. Yeah. It's doing it at a certain time because that's, you know, it's click and watch stuff inside. And it's, and it gets to 2.30 and something just doesn't work. Right. If that happened more than once,

I'd be like, there's something preventing this clock from going forward. Yes. But they don't do that. So he's like, you know, I got this fat guy's card. I might as well go pay him a visit. And he goes and it's a real like, you know, thank God you're here. Also

though, again, suspicious circumstances, body upriver, whatever. You're going to go to this dude's house? The same dude that was like, I've been hearing from your wife. Yes. What? You're going to go inside this man's poorly lit house.

He should go there just to burn it down because this guy is weird that's what you do with the weirdos burn your house down weirdo but here's my card if you want to get a new house built I could draw you a pretty new house

that's how he made it's bucks I won't build it for you but I'll just draw you a nice picture of how to build it like maybe he goes to the house burns it down and he's got it ready he's like what do you think of that I took the liberty

of drawn something up you know Maybe we can talk about it later. So he goes in and he's like, you know, I'm so glad you're here. You know, my 430s wrapping up right now. This is perfect timing. Racket. That's what this is. It's a racket.

Out comes Deborah Kara Unger, who's in like Salt and Sea in the game and a bunch of stuff, just like destroyed. Like he's like, my 430 destroyed customer is just wrapping up. And she walks out with like raccoon eyes and like streaks of eyes. and streaks of eye makeup down her face. Like, this guy's great. You're going to love it. Oh, my God.

What a service package? I got my first VHS tape today. We moved from audio to video. Oh, if I could just relive my first visit, just I know exactly what you're about to do is enter crippling depression. And, ooh, I would love to be in your shoes right now. I'm so jealous of you, Michael Keaton, a first timer.

When he sits Michael Keaton down to talk to him about what white noise is, He is out of breath the whole time. And he is literally just walking around a room. He's exasperated. And I think it's because he's that excited to talk about EVP. I think that's what it is. Electronic voice projection, is that what it is? I thought it was Elliot Gould v. Predator.

You want to get that alien in the jungle? I'm going to need 12 guys. Someone make this movie. Please. For the love of God. what you need for the franchise. Dude, here's what that movie is. I'm going to cover myself in mud. You can't see me?

This movie is three minutes long. It's a helicopter. It lands like in the jungle. He steps out. He takes a look around. The helicopter flies away. You just see him look up and he goes, what the? And then the predator shoots him in the fucking face.

EVP. I'll tell you what EVP actually means. Yeah. Electronic Voice Phenomena. Oh, phenomenon. That's right. Phenomena. So he's like, here's what it is.

I, you know, I don't contact them. They come to me. You know, it's a weird, like drug dealers situation. It's like,

I don't call them. They call me when there's something going down. But do they? Like, he's just recording all the static TVs and just like listening to them for hours. And it's like, oh yeah,

they're coming to me all right. Yeah. They're coming to get me. How does he even know who anyone is? If everyone says like, like, I don't know, but he's,

got volumes of I'll tell you what's going on this this fucking guy he's trolling the goddamn obituaries yes he is oh wow he's showing up at Michael Keaton's place and being like I guess you're missing something maybe a wife

that's why that's why it always starts with audio first yeah right because you can just have like muffled nonsense yes but then he like he gets to know the person a little bit like oh maybe it would help our investigation if I had a picture

of your, you know, deceased. Then he sees what celebrity looks most like this person. You know, he goes and gets like an old rerun of Dallas, dumps the tape a bunch of times, like wipes a magnet over it. Oh, there's your wife. Look, you can kind of see her. That is so true.

Right? There's your husband. There's your husband right there. Are you sure it kind of looks like Patrick Duffy? Well, your husband kind of looked like Patrick Duffy. What a handsome man he was. That'll be $75. Oh, you know, just as we're talking, I was waiting for the tape to boot up.

What, what a lot of business did your husband do? He's a car salesman, eh? Cut to that fact guy later tonight, eating a sandwich, being like, I sold cars. See, he said it. He said what his profession was. It's so stupid, man. So, like, she says, you know,

he said yes to me. Like, I asked him, or he said when he died, like, he would come back and tell me if it was true about the other side, we believe or whatever. And he said, Karen, yes, or you know, whatever her name is. And so well, the kind gentleman here says, I probably

won't ever see him again, but that's okay. She's like totally cool with it. And, you know, they get to talk, he tells us about what EVP is. And essentially, yeah, all he's doing is leaving his, he's ripping the, ripping the antenna out of his TV, letting it go all day. Totally.

Taping all sorts of tapes. Like that VCR is supposed to be on three. He said it on channel 4 and he's just taping the nothing. And Michael Keaton sees this room of madness where this is all going on. He's a hoarder. And he says, I got to give me some of this. I got to double down on this.

I got to do everything this guy's doing times five. I'm going to get so many IMAX and so many TVs. There's an amazing... I'm going to be deciphering everything. There's an amazing line of dialogue when he's looking around this dude's command center. Because make no mistake

about it, it is a command center. Sure. Michael Keaton just goes, is this your job? It's so awesome. No, you're my job. You're the calm. You're the mark. He's totally the mark. And I don't know.

I mean, he does, yeah, it's weird because he's like trying to put this guy out of business. He's like, oh, I'm just going to, I could do it better than you, I guess. Well, so he, the dude is like, all right, you know, I'm going to go make some tea or whatever, see Deborah Kara Unger out, like, you know, you just sit here and, you know, start watching some static, like, here's the, or no, it's audio. He's like, listen to this audio file. This is where I heard your wife. I'll be right back. I'll leave you to it or whatever. So he's like listening to this tape. I write books. Somehow I'm internationally known. And so he's like, he's like into it. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's cool. And then all of a sudden you see like three shadows go behind Michael Keaton. And you're like, Oh, three dark shadows, eh? Sounds like evil ghosts to me. And then all of a sudden, the audio tape is like, you motherfucker, you are the worst Batman.

Ah, your mother sucks, cocks at hell. And he's like, oh, and then the dude runs back in. He's like, oh, sorry, sorry. He's totally like trying to cover it up. And Michael Keaton's like, what the hell was that? I heard my wife's angelic voice, and then all these people started calling me a fuck. And he's like, oh, well, we just do this and we do this and we do that.

And then, and he's, like, doing all these keystrokes, he's like, and then it's gone. And he's like, did you just delete my dead wife's recording? But he's like, he's like oddly covering it up. And you know, this dude has had trouble with these ghosts before. There's some line here where he's just like, oh, you know, Mr. Key, not every ghost is a nice ghost. They can't all be Casper, now can they? Speaking of Casper, these three shadows. Yeah, the three uncles.

The three dead assholes. These guys I think it's a shared cinematic universe We could say that they're the antagonists of the movie essentially These three ghosts They keep showing up

Never does this movie even try to tell you Who they might have been What they are Eric had some crazy IMDB thing where somebody identifies them as demons And I'm like where the fuck did you get demons There's nothing in this movie Not every ghost is nice

And if you're not a nice ghost You're a demon No man That's not how you do it. Like, the ghost of a serial killer isn't a demon. It's just the ghost of a serial killer. This is a good topic of conversation. Can you get promoted in the afterlife?

Like if Satan takes notice and it's like... Oh. Like what you did there in the mortal realm. Oh. I'd like to bump it up a notch. Be a demon? Maybe. I don't know. I mean, then there's like, are the other demons mad?

You know? Like... Oh, yeah, you're definitely a different subsective demon. You're like, oh. You definitely be like a, yeah, subspecies. Well, if you're a ghost, by the way, you're like on this plane still. So you haven't gone either direction. You're still stuck here.

A demon goes to hell and then back. A demon is purely a product of hell. Like, born and bred, hell. Yeah, totally, dude. Made in the U.S. of hell. And angels are heaven, right? Yes, that's right. But if you're a ghost, you're neither.

You're just a spirit. So these are like three angry people. So the movie needs some kind of like three mass murderers were executed on the same night or some. Dumbass. Scarelli brothers gave him the chair. Anything. Really anything. And it's nothing.

They don't even say, you barely know that it's them until the end of the movie. And it's like, oh my God, it's a three things. But like, you can kind of glean.

Yeah. Because the movie does a really bad job of like, you know, nobody sees them. It's always like when Michael Keaton's back is turned. Then they pop up on all the TVs. And the movie loves doing the thing that all bad horror movies do,

which is relied on nothing but sound scares. So, like, they come on the screen, and it's, like, bong, like some really loud noise comes up, and you're like, oh, that's the whole movie. There's no atmospheric anything, nothing, like, actually, like, pays off in a scary way. It's just loud noises the whole time. Again, nobody even investigates why this guy dies.

And Michael Keaton, so Michael Keaton gets, like, what is he going to dream? And he's like, oh, I got to see the fat guy. It's a 2.30 in the morning. He goes to sleep, wakes up, but he's like, oh, my God. Like, he's got to. like something's on the monitor. And he's like, oh man, I got to go tell my teacher. I got my

first, you know, we ghost catch. Yeah, exactly. And he drives over to this dude's house. We calls him and he's like, hey, we got one. He's like, oh, bring it over. We can watch it together. I'll make some popcorn. And so Michael Keaton gets over there and like, the place is trashed

and he's like, oh, that's not good. And this dude is just dead under a pile of TVs. And videotape too. Like videotape everywhere like it looks like the feds were after him oh man so this dude's just dead and then like Michael Keaton calls the cops this is where we're introduced to this useless

detective character hello this is where you're introduced to well well well Mr. Keaton whenever there's a corpse you seem to be right there right I mean this is this is this time I think that's the this is the first time we meet

that cop though isn't it but even still he's like oh your wife just died six months ago now this guy's dead This guy's dead. Everyone he's spending time with is dying mysteriously. You're totally right. Also, big flaw of this movie. I mean, Ian McNeese is a fine actor, but, you know, kind of never always the bridesmaid.

This cop who needs to be somebody. You know what? Go out and hire an actor. Not, you guys mostly known for stunts as well. Yeah. You tell me this movie. You couldn't get a non-Alic Baldwin. Yeah.

Seriously. You could get Daniel Baldwin for fuck's sake? I know. Daniel Baldwin as a detective in this movie. Yeah. You just got another star from me. Can't get Daniel Baldwin. Harvey Keitel sometimes you can get for this role, get him out of bed.

Yeah, you could, if you move some money around. Yeah, Larry Fishburn's ready. He's game to be your detective. And what is the conversation that is happening like between Keaton this detective? So what are you doing here? Oh, well, were you related to the deceased? No, no, no, no, no. I didn't know him that long.

So what were you doing it is how? at two o'clock in the morning. Oh, well, we're ghost buddies. I came to sit with him and turn the static on the TV all the way up. He's like, and just listen for messages from the dead. He's like, sir, Vancouver's a very progressive town. If you're saying you were in a relationship with this man, no one is going to judge you. You don't have to lie and say you were watching blank tapes looking for ghosts. It's a lover's quarrel. Say you came over here to have some great sex with this man.

got a little out of hand. One too many TVs in your your TV sets. Oh, you definitely look at all those tapes. I want to see all that. Yeah, exactly. The police are seizing all those tapes. And how boring is that, by the way,

just looking through hours upon hours of static? Like, Chief, I think there was something wrong. I think we took the tapes through a magnetic doorway. There's nothing. Oh, wait, was that a ghost? Then the cops get involved with the ghost hunting. And now the cops are hunting ghosts. And then we get condoes.

Canadian Ghostbusters. So that's how it happens. Keaton ups his ghost hunting game. He gets a million tube televisions. He gets some computers going on. Oh yeah, a lot of big like box monitor computers. I mean, honestly, this is when you stop. This is what, like, this guy you know died.

Yep. Probably because he was a con artist and he ripped off the wrong guy. Yeah, you're exactly right. Someone came back. That's a revenge killing. Just move on with your life, man. Instead, he's like, spend that lady's money. I know.

she's dead but come on she would want you to be happy michael keaton spend it on that son that's slowly growing to hate you due to neglect yeah exactly that he neglects the shit out of this kid in this movie due to ghost related neglect he's a non-character he comes to the kid comes back

is like you know it's a second wife so his first wife well even though this guy's like racked in grief and is doing all this weird shit she has no problem dropping the kid off for the weekend because she likes her weekend oh yeah you know it's just like the post office man rain sleet snow death you're getting that fucking

kid every other Saturday he's like he's setting up his tube television he's like dad why do you need so many VCRs well uh in case you want to watch a movie and I want to watch a movie I can we can both watch a movie at the same time that sounds pretty

swell doesn't it and then this five year old kid goes that doesn't make any sense I don't really watch TV by myself dad are you a professional movie bootlecker? Yes. But also, the saddest part about that is later in the movie. The kid's like, Dad, when are we going to watch two different movies at once?

And he's like, maybe next time, Sport. Just sit in this room that no longer has a table because I'm putting more computer monitors on the kitchen table. Dude, this is the room you're supposed to be drawn houses in. When was the last time you drew a house? Totally. Get back on the saddle. Houses need to be drawn. So now, like, he takes up the mantle of, like, creepily showing up to people's houses to be like, hey, I heard from your dead relatives. Well, he first goes to see a medium, which is this blind lady.

Another completely dropped ball in this movie. Yep. She's like, first of all, you don't know she's blind until, like, you know, the scene progresses. And she's just like, oh, you know, is he showing her the tape or what's he doing? No, she, this is really dumb. She's like, okay, does this street mean anything to you? He's like, no. She's like, okay. So you lost your wife recently.

She was a writer. Oh, okay. So you're like, all right, she's like a legit psychic. And then she starts going, I'm seeing, they're showing me all of these white and black dots. And she's seeing a broken TV in her psychic premonitions. And he's like, oh, kind of sounds like. my investigations or whatever. But he doesn't say anything.

And then she realizes what it is. And she stands back from the table. And she's like, you're fucking with some bad stuff right here. Like, you can't be doing this. She says, you're meddling. You're meddling in forces. You can't understand, et cetera, et cetera. Don't do anything.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Even though, like, I mean, I don't understand. Like, he's not even trying to get in touch with his wife. Now he's trying to, like, be the dead zone or something. Well, that's the thing is she accuses him of, like, doing it as, like, a hobby. and the thing that everybody always says about this and it's also the plot of that dumb-ass movie Ouija is like if you're dabbling and stuff like that

everyone who's participating has to believe and has to take it seriously or else like the aura is weakened and that allows negative things to come through so I think it's a thing where it's like because he's just doing this is like a little hobby horse thing that those three ghosts are like oh good good a noob

now we can come through and start influencing the other side It's great because he It's a movie thing where like you're talking And nobody ever does this You're like you're talking to someone and they're shouting at you're like You can't take it back You can't take it back or whatever And you just walk out on them

That works Except with that person's blind That kind of makes you a dick You know what I mean you got to be like I'm leaving your house now Like up and quietly leaves this woman's apartment And then she comes She follows him now

And this is where we get the final confirmation She's like Your wife was pregnant wasn't she? Yeah. And he stops on the stairs just like, uh, keeps going.

That's the thing. These ghosts got a two for one soul special. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. He delivers, well then the other thing we get involved in here is, not only is he getting messages from ghosts,

he's getting messages from the future. Again, what in the world? What in the world? You might as well have the electricity gremlin come into this movie. Grambling. Gramlins. Oh, no, that electro-gramlins

coming into this movie. Look out, Michael Keaton. It's an electro-gramlin. It wasn't in the theater with Hulk Hogan at that in the movie so he couldn't stop it. Hey, Linda. I'm on Rotten Tomatoes.

You know what my top-rated movie ever is? Gramblins, too. I'm barely in that one. It's a bunch of bullshit, Lender. Linda Linda? Oh right I've been divorced for years

Well anyway Back to unpausing gremlins on Blu-ray Should have ate too much pork So he goes to this woman's house Like he's like I finally got my first ghost scoop And he goes to this poor girl's house And he's like Hey uh

Did you know such and such? And she's like That's my grandmother and he's like Oh Well I got a message from old grams and it's a smile or whatever and then like and she's like oh my god my grandmother used to always tell me to smile like it's such horseshit like why wouldn't you make some more like personal statement you know or like oh you know uncle albert you know left the money under the floor floor

board or something you were adopted yeah you know something with a little more meat screenplay that just smile and she's like oh my god that was my grandmother and then like she's like showing him out and she's like it's so crazy my dad calls me two days ago tells me the bad news and then here you are now showing up telling me this great message and then Michael

Keaton's like when did your grandmother die two days ago I've been getting messages from her for over a week which two things one you're like okay future ghost second you're sitting on this for a week Michael Keaton what are you doing

how many conversations are you having? If she's just saying smile the whole time. She's been talking to him for a week. A week, and that's the best you got was smile. And you have, he's taking logs of multiple ghosts

coming at him, like, stop. I mean, look, he's got an inbox that's really, really building up. So he can't be going all around the Vancouver area. Right, just looking for people. He's got to wait till like the specific details are out there. So then he starts like visiting Deborah Kara Unger because who cares and like she's the only other actor the fucking actress equity union

in this entire goddamn movie and she owns a bookstore where um what is the actor's name ian mcneath ian mcnees was like asking her to store more of his files so she's got like this really nice she better comb those files by the way before you touch before you bring them into your business absolutely some guys some guys like oh i've got all these files would you mind holding on to them for me. She's just like, okay, if you give me a tape, like, we watch it at your house in its entirety, and then I'll take it home. But so the top level of her nice, like, independent bookstore is just all this dude's files. Like the paperwork, but he has logged like every line of audio and like every videotape is there, like perfectly detailed.

There's a lot of work that's going into this. And he has to be taken money because this is way too much work for a hobby with no pay. Oh yeah, this is a big, big money right here. I think it's $75 a visit. Definitely. And why doesn't he come back as a ghost? Yeah, you know, that's what I needed. You need that.

Like, you know, just give me one scene. If it's just like, you're getting closer, Michael. Or it wasn't worth it. Oh, I've wasted my love. Yeah, really. At this point, he realized that Ian McNeese was getting messages that were like mean and like the word pig shows up a lot a lot it's kind of like you look at that note page and you're like it's like jack nicholson and the shining just writing pig

over and over on the page you're like jesus man you were getting bullied by these ghosts and that is the alternate title for this movie michael keaton stars in bully ghosts yeah because that it happens more later on but these three ghosts are just little bully ghosts and and just he's realizing all this stuff I was like oh my god you know maybe maybe there's a connection what's the connection I guess I'll never find out until the end of the movie

and then he goes the medium that he went to said something about Willow Avenue oh my God Willow Avenue oh right right right so he's like you know maybe I'll give that Willow Avenue a shot one day one of these their days and he keeps getting messages from his wife like go now go now and he's like

go now on the psychic said Willow Avenue yeah what the hell and he goes to Willow Avenue and there's like this car accident Yeah And at some point in the movie A few minutes before this he's been like Like gets his face like right up to the TV glass

He sees his wife and he wants to make out with their TV baby He's totally gonna kiss that fucking TV Steve You're exactly right And then like all of a sudden A different woman appears on the screen And like slams the glass and screams This was a real J horror moment right Yeah totally

Yeah Oh it's a beaut it's my wife and she's beautiful even in static I'm gonna kiss my static you wife with my big lips Oh no it's one of those crazy Japanese kids Yeah like she's like one inch away From coming right out the screen right

And then you got yourself a ring moment Then you got yourself a lawsuit is what you got Yeah the fucking production team of ringgoos So so yeah So he goes there's this car accident This car's like flipped over under an electrical pole All this like you know the wires The live wires are coming down and all this stuff

And he runs up and this, the woman in the car, like, slams up against the window, just like the TV and is like, save my baby, my baby. So again, it's like the future. He's seeing messages from the future. Is this minority report all of a sudden? Totally. Like, why is this premonition shit? I thought I was watching a ghost movie. Ghosts aren't from the future. Or are they? Actually, that fucking second insidious movie? You guys see that? No, I never made. Time travel and ghosts. Skipped it on purpose. I like the first one, but I skipped it.

It's your, you're darn too. There's time traveling ghosts in that movie. Is it a good or bad movie? It's a bad movie. Okay. I just didn't know what that darn Tootin was. I was saying darn Tootin, Steve, you pointed it out. But that's the thing is like the trailers for this movie, which I watched, all of them are like 50% just talking about EVP phenomenon.

Right. Elliot Gould versus Predator. And the EVP phenomenon is like, EVP is when this happens and blah. It's the same guy who sounds like the same guy does. Unsealed Alien Files? Is that a show? Oh, yes, my favorite show. Yeah.

What, really? It's a conspiracy show that's on, it's on Netflix now, too. Yeah, it's like a low rent one. Yeah. It's like, really like, it's just like, and the case file and what is going on on the moon? Yeah, you get to see a nice computer, computerized casebook kind of open up every time.

Oh, that's fantastic. It's like a CD-ROM game. Yeah. The 13th guest or whatever the fucking. Oh, shit, yeah. Their fourth hour, I don't know. 13th floor? That was a movie.

Yeah, 30th floor is a movie. Yeah. Oh, no, I was just going to say their photos of their gleep-glop aliens on there look like, you know, computer game. Like puppet, Gleep-Glop aliens. Yeah. But the trailers are like, EVPs when this happens, blah, blah, blah. And they actually even bring up, like, actual cases of EVP throughout the days. And then it's like, also a Michael Keaton movie.

but like halfway through this movie the movie gets bored with white noise and it's like what about the future it's so dumb it's so so stupid but you just reminded me those trailers I had kind of too much time invested

in this movie like when those previews came out it was like go to white noise movie.com to learn more about EVP and I was like fuck yeah TV commercial and it's like two in the morning

and I'm on this movie's like promo site and it's all like click here for an example of actual EVP and I'm like fuck yeah promotional website I don't give a shit that the sun's right around the corner and I'm just listening to these things and getting spooked out you know

also totally had a white noise promotional t-shirt this movie came out I was still working summers at the multiplex between college semesters and they would give you like you know promo packs with the posters and like postcards and shit every once in a while like a t-shirt showed up and i was like say white noise t-shirt don't mind if i do i think i finally threw that t-shirt away no joke in like 2012 it was like a gym t-shirt for a while it was like i'm moving and carrying boxes everywhere t-shirt yeah oh yeah do you go to somebody's funeral you want to let them

know that they might turn into white noise yeah just hey hey sorry for your loss but i'm going I'm going to point at my t-shirt right now. Just make sure you're fucking aware. I'll hear you later, lady. Got a handheld radio set to nothing. Hey, hey, stay off my TV. Speaking of funeral, so this woman dies. He saves a baby.

Right, so then we cut to the funeral. And it's, I got a real problem with strangers at funerals, by the way. Keep that shit till after the service. No, you know what? If you go to any Roman Catholic funeral, you're definitely going to get some old Italian lady that has no idea they just worked the circuit yeah no you're totally right my dad actually knew a guy

yeah in his like hometown which is like a small town you know this dude showed up to all the funerals yeah to then go to the after reception and get the fucking food dude oh yeah man the after party's where it's at but this dude was moochin free food and I was

at awake one time with my dad and he was like you see that scumb bag over there I was like dad we're at awake he's like I've known that guy for 20 years this piece of shit shows up to every funeral in town just so they get the food later i was like that's the weirdest thing i've ever heard sure enough he showed up at the reception was he wearing a white noise do you sure and it was me it was you from the future because white noise also means the future yeah totally dude twist ending so

michael keaton and deborikara unguraged at this funeral and you know uh at the end you know You know what movie's shot in Canada when a Star of Battlestar Galactica shows up. Oh my God. I jumped up and down. And this guy, he works in like the pod bay or something. What's this guy's deal? Chief Galen.

He's fixing the planes and stuff. The fighter pilot. He's also sleeping with Grace Park then. Yes. He's doing all right for himself. Edward James almost goes up to him one time and goes, get your fat ass back on the bay chief. Which is my favorite line ever.

did he take that shit or what everyone took everything from dinner James Olman oh really he was never deposed on that show oh dude man he's like God it's like you know it's spits in Picard's face right oh so he's like Picard level oh shit I would

I love me some Picard I would work twice as hard for Edward James almost because you know what he's yelling at you and he yells at you you're in a lot of trouble I feel like I could goof off on Picard's ship you know what I mean Like, oh, yeah. Because, you know what Picard does?

And he was fucking famous for this, dude. He'd choose you out in front of everybody. And then at the end of the episode, he's like, Mr. Data, my quarters immediately. And then, like, he comes in. He's like, Captain, about earlier. And he's like, no, no, Mr. Data. That was hilarious.

And he was just like, well, what the fuck did you yell at me for then? No, but you're a piece of shit. You're always going to be a piece of shit. I'm going to fucking airlock you. Yeah. He's just like, I'm going to murder. do you and then he goes now I'm going to go back

to my quarters and what does he do there doesn't call you in to have a little funny joke he's I'm drinking mystery whiskey from space and I'm smashing model ships he makes

as far as I can tell he makes model ships just to take his rage out of him yeah take that Picard that's pretty great although he does in generations break all those. You happy now? Albury Woodard's like, you broke your stupid toys.

I think it was First Contact. Oh, you're right. First contact. Excuse me. You know what? He wouldn't even have time for Alfred Woodard. Get off my ship, Alfred Wooders. Your goddamn past ghost or whatever the fuck. Then there's that other guy in that show that looks like John McCain and he's an alcoholic.

Oh, Salt High. Yeah, he's a great character. Maybe I should watch that. He should. You should. You have to have to. Back to white noise and not anything to do with Battles Star Galactic. It's great because I was as excited as there because I was a fan And also like it's another recognizable actor at all That I could just look at and be like

I know that you're doing something right now Four episodes of that show and I got excited I was like that dude from Battlestar Thank God Somebody in this fucking sea of nothing That's why they call it white noise That's also what they call it Canada I love Canada

So do I, but it's, you know, a bunch of white noise. The Northern Territories. Those are, that's where white noise happens. They called the Great White Noise, right? No, that's North. Oh, okay. Great White North. I thought it was noise.

So Chief's got his baby and he's walking away and, you know, Michael, Michael Keyt's like, oh, Chief, Chief, Chief. And he's like, what? He said, oh, you know, oh, you're the guy that saved my baby. He's like, oh, thanks. He's like, hey, first of all, thanks so much for saving my baby. I appreciate you coming. I would have nothing right now blah blah blah

I think you think your wife was going to this medium because this time the other thing is like you know what I really appreciate you saving my baby and all and then he gets all chief mad at him and starts yelling at him and he's like he's just like I don't want you around my kid God damn it It's awesome because he's like

He's like I appreciate that you save my baby But now I need some space And I need you and your weird friends To stay the fuck away from my friend family and you're just like oh that dude's piss and that's why strangers don't go to funerals exactly because you're just pissing people off that's why you get actors with credits under their belts to do short parts all right so but the thing that this scene accomplishes does it not well this is how he's like the future because he's like so hey man your wife like

you know can i saw it like before it happened isn't that weird stay the fuck away from my family. The crucial thing that Chief says is my wife may have been into your stuff, but I think it's bullshit. Exactly. And then so Michael Keaton's like, oh, wait a second. Like, she was contacting Ian McNeese? That's weird. And then they start going back through the logbook. And it turns out, like, the grandmother contacted Ian McNeese. Chief's wife had a session with Ian McNeese. And he's like, putting it together. Like, all these people that

visited, this guy are now getting bumped off for some reason. They never established that Michael Keaton's wife. This is like the fourth time you've almost said Michael Douglas. Well, that's his God-given name anyway. That's true. Oh, really? Michael Keaton's name is Michael Douglas.

I've been lied to my whole life. I know I know I'm from the old neighborhood, so I call him Mikey Douglas. No, Michael Keaton. Do they ever establish that Michael Keaton's wife had anything to do with this or what? No.

That's the one thing is she doesn't come up in the log books. Okay. But then what is the spoiler alert? The ghosts send a dude to kill her to. I mean, we'll get to it. But it's not established. You're right. Is that the, you know, the heavyset individual that died, you know, what was his? Ian McNeese.

He expunged all the records of her visiting, right? Like your clients are dying and stuff? Yeah, you got to, like, put some distance between you and the... Oh, I think he's cooking the books. Well, he is a con man, a con artist. So I'm thinking, I'm thinking. At what point does... Then he starts looking at his white noise and he sees Deborah Carrunger.

Who's in the room when this happens? So that's got to be uncomfortable. She's like, hey, what am I doing on white noise? Oh, fuck, man. And it's like her laying in a bed and she's like, it hurts so much. So she's, like, freaking out. They go to her apartment. And he's like, take some sleeping pills.

I'll hang out with you. You know, it's fine. And she's like, what if I don't wake up from the sleeping pills? And he's like, it's cool. I don't know. This movie doesn't make any sense. Like, we'll figure it out. You know, so she's...

Just go to sleep. Maybe the movie will be over. So she's sleeping. And he, like, goes into the bathroom to take some aspirin. And when he, like, leans over the sink to put some water in his mouth, you see, the three stooges fly down the hallway. Like, whoa, whoa, lo, lo, lo, and it's a bullshit thing where, like, he's used this big heavy doorstop to like keep the door open and he comes out of the bathroom and the

door's closed and the door stops like rolling on the floor and there's like light coming from on the door like poltergeist and he's like I know that white light anywhere she's got a broken TV on in there and he goes in and she's fucking out on this ledge of her apartment like a balcony or whatever she's lethal weaponing herself yeah and she just gives a little like smirk which is totally a Bill H. Macy Boogie Nights smile before he blows his brains out. It's like smirk drop off this balcony.

And he does a real half. There's no like, what are you doing? Don't, you know, don't make this mistake. He doesn't say anything. She smiles and drops. And then he's like, oh no. So she like falls down on this glass. She's still alive at the hospital.

Bull effing shit. Totally. She's totally dead. That's a bunch of nonsense. 20 stories. Also, the ghost. stuff and you were talking about poltergeist way scarier movie, way better movie but like why can't this movie at least give me some

poltergeist activity some some books flying around or maybe show me like these the those ghosts start to possess her because that's the theory here yeah right I mean and that's another thing

that doesn't make any sense at all we don't establish that you know Chief's wife was like possessed while driving the car and like flipped it on purpose like you don't see any of that this is the first and this is like there's 15 minutes left of the movie and all of a sudden they're possessing people come on it's bullshit and she's alive for no reason totally no she has a black eye that's it yeah like it's well we also find out she's paralyzed from the waist down afterwards that's a rough ride but you're not

you're not living through this and then that the detective shows up and he's like oh you again and just like start slowly writing in a notepad This guy belongs in jail. And he's like, hey, man, are you going to be around later? And Michael Keaton, this is the only time it ever kind of comes close to this. He's like, if you're asking if I'm going to skip town, no, I'll be home. Like, I'll be at my apartment. And he's like, okay, good, because this is starting to get a little stupid.

And so like one more of these and my boss is going to get real mad at me that he didn't arrest you. Yeah, totally. He's been telling me to arrest you all week. And I'm like, no, give him a chance. so he goes home like Michael Keaton goes home from the hospital and his place has been turned like they've turned this place inside out ghosts that is what are they looking for

that's the thing is give me a shot of this apartment being ripped apart totally don't just have some PAs knock shit over and how cool would that be too right it's just like you can picture the scene right it's like Michael Keaton's J. Horror apartment right and then all of a sudden like the TVs start turning on like one by one, and you start hearing kind of like a rumbling, growing noise

or something like that. And then it's like in Ghostbusters, too, in the courtroom scene, when the chairs just start flipping, right? TVs just start going flying and computers fly through the window. His eggs start cooking on their own. Exactly, dude, anything is possible. Instead, he just comes back

and he's like, what was the mafia looking for something? Like, what is it happening? You basically never, ever see anything paranormal happen in this movie at all. Unless it's a dumb broken TV or then at the end where the where the ghosts come but that's it we'll get there it's right around the

corner so he's like oh shit he looks on the TV one of the TVs is still on he sees what uh there's this woman missing pretty famously in the movie like it's another famous missing person of Canada apparently you know what if I've the detective I'm like who could

be behind this that's the thing is man just lock him up for a little bit and they have he's already determined by the way that this missing woman also went to Ian McNeese at one point. Yes. So he's like he's seeing her like

oh she's still alive like how can we put the pieces together? He goes to his construction site which is where like that's what I was I was wondering is it's his site. Yes because there's this really stupid scene that sets up. Oh right. In the middle of the movie like he's like you know it's just

one of his many sort of getting fucked with ghosts in the cheapest way possible. He's got like the as most architects do, like, you know, Tom Selleck and three men and a baby is a big famous architect, and he's always worried about the building inspector showing up. Oh, my God. The building inspector shows up. The elevator gets stopped. And he's like, oh, that's weird. And then this totally innocuous construction work is like, hey man, you guys okay? Yeah. That is it. Totally. That's it. So then he goes back to the construction site. And it's like, it just happens to be

catty corner from where they found the wife. Because there's a shot like earlier in the movie where he goes to like the accident site yeah and peers out and whatever so it's like oh she was driven there for some reason or whatever but so he goes into the building he breaks in and he's like walking around and you just hear this this scream the same scream recording like throughout the scene and he's like oh so someone's in here okay you know he's putting the pieces together goes up like a couple flights there's like a saw style or like a hostile style like torture table with all these devices on it and you're like

what the fuck? What movie am I watching? Exactly. He goes up another flight of stairs and there is another computer station. There's another electronic command center like just built in this construction site and you're like just for white noise gets the best white noise

in all of the provinces. Are they not working on this site anymore? Exactly. You're setting up this like it's like a sliver-esque command center. And so then he goes up another flight And there's this woman tied to a chair And you're like

But she's like tied in a vice This is again a saw like Yeah there's like a fucking metal band Around her forehead You know like crazy shit's about to get real And so then like he kind of leans over And he's like I gotta check around this corner

So I can see everything that's in this room And standing there Is that construction worker from the elevator scene From an hour ago It's Scooby Doo Yeah It's oh It was the man from the old mill at the start.

And so he's like, the construction guy is like, sorry Michael Keaton. They told me to do it. They tell me to do everything. And he's like, oh. And then he turns around and looks up. And those three shadows. Ui, Dewey and Louie. And this is, I'm sorry, but this is the moment in a movie like this where you get some bullshit parlor scene of who these ghosts are and blah, blah, blah.

And you know what, filmmakers, like, it doesn't make it any more scary or excited. that you just never find out the identity of these ghosts. I'm sorry, it's just shitty computer shadows. Have a ghost walk down there and go to Michael Keaton. Since you're going to die anyway, I might as well tell you. Exactly. Why not? Oh, no, the Gremlin's ate the parlor seat. Now this movie don't make no sense.

Hey, Gramlins, we're missing a whole reel down here. I can't follow this now. Thanks a lot, Gremlin. And you're like, Jesus, Hulk, how can I know? It's so dumb. And, you know, and at this point, he realizes his wife didn't just slip in the river after all. She was murdered by this fucking guy. Thanks a lot.

Vancouver police. Totally. This rando guy just murdered her. And so, like, the guy, like, goes for the lady who's tied up. And Michael Keaton's like, hey, man, that's not cool. And then these ghosts are like, hey, man, that's not cool. Fucking grambling. And so, like, these three ghosts come down and start bullying.

him and beating him up and he gets murdered by a ghost tornado just these three ghosts going around with his circle like tearing at him and talking like breaking limbs and shit and then they push him off you know there's no like

you know barricades anywhere anything they push him off the floor and he falls like a bunch of stories you don't really see what happens but hey ghosts kill your own ladies what does this guy even have to do with anything why he's even here if they could do things corporeally why do they need To possess anybody.

Exactly. If you're possessing Deborah Kara Unger. Yes. Why do you need to possess this dude to make him do things you want to do? Just possess those people and make them do things. Or use your ghost hands that move things and break Michael Keaton's legs. Totally. If you're going to have a ghost worshiper in this movie, have someone fight the ghost

worshipper. Exactly. Like have a giant fight. That's where that fucking psychic character comes in. She's like, you got a level five bow. rod on your hands. I'll go, I'll help you out. And this lady's, like, doing all shit to, like, cast him out. Like, you need Michael

Keaton to team up with that lady. Like, that's how this movie works. Team up with Chief. Get him back. Get Chief to box this guy while you handle the ghosts. Oh, yeah, that's how you settle all the old scores. Yeah. Or Ian McNeese ghost, like, comes out of a TV.

And he's like, not today. You know. Oh, dude, Michael Keaton brings one of Ian's actual TVs drops it on the floor plugs it in and then turns it on and then he just

shoots out at the three ghosts totally yeah man looks like I've got myself a couple of string beans and then he rolls up his sleeves and he goes sorry for the delay ace

he's got like he's got like a fighter ace scarf flying into battle oh anything R a F style so He's the main character of your movie, and he dies in 14 seconds, and you're like, wait, what?

Oh, oh, okay. Like, he just vanishes, and then they cut to, like, you don't see him fall, right? Like, the ghosts attack him with this tornado. They break his legs, they make a little CGI puppet Michael Keaton. Yeah, and so he's like, he just disappears. It goes quiet, and then it cuts to this wide shot of the guy, like, with this woman strapped to the chair, and he's like, oh, well, now that that's done, let's get down to some Eli Roth shit. And he like goes at this woman And then all of a sudden he's assassinated

And there's a SWAT team there somehow The detective, he had called the detective at some point It's like hey, if you're getting this I'm probably dead already or some such But that dude He calls him from an alleyway And it's this whole thing of like I'm at here like come down blah blah blah

But then you see the detective Who's at Michael Keaton's apartment He discovers like the fucked up scene and everything He can barely hear it And you see him look at the phone He's like what? whatever and hangs up the phone so it makes no sense

that the police would get here on time they assassinate this dude and then there's this detective like huh okay I guess this person was behind all those murders I didn't want to suspect Michael Keaton of and the ghosts are like geez it's offense totally and they run away

get back in the TV the fucking SWAT team's here no room in here it's me Ian McNeese this is my TV it's like an old lunitude's cartoon All the TVs are coming on. All the ghosts are inside of them. And then, like, some SWAT team dude is like,

Hey, uh, detective over here. And like, you know, they, you see this like low angle shot of them looking down a couple of flights and it cuts to the other side of what they're looking at. And it's just Michael Keaton just dead. Didn't that guy play Birdman once? Guys, Birdman was behind it. Don't you mean Batman?

No, I mean Birdman. And then we, just cut to his funeral and Debra Kara Unger is just in a wheelchair at the funeral and then like the sequel to her character and Crash by the way. That's where

that leads. You see like the mother takes the kid in the van. Mother played by nobody. Just a nobody actress. Just another ghost. Yeah they get in the van and then it's like it's so terrible the way they do this. It's this like seven second static shot of this

car radio and you're like okay car radio turn on any time now and sure enough it turns on and it's flipping through all the stations and then you hear michael keaton like i'm sorry mike i'm sorry mikey and the three of them are sitting in the van like what the fuck because you never really know if the wife knows what he's up to she's not a character in this movie you know if it was a thing where it's like you're looking for ghosts in your tv that's so stupid it's never addressed. Nope. Like, she knows something's up with him, but there's never a scene where it's discussed. And she never stops putting that kid over there. So that, that means she's probably okay with whatever's going on. And so, like, he comes

on and she recognizes, like, it's Michael Keaton. And she just turns the radio off, like, huh, well, let's not discuss that ever again. Then we cut to Deborah Kara Unger, and then she's hearing all sorts of white noise from nowhere. You see the three shadows go across the cemetery. And you can cut back to Michael Keaton or something and his wife as ghosts. That's the very last shot of the movie is a static

TV and Michael Keaton and his wife walk into the frame and it cuts to credits. But before that they do another cheap ass movie scare where she's sitting in that wheelchair and she's like, huh looking around, sunny day and the shadows go by

and she's just like looking around, looking around and she very quickly turns her head like this. They do a big sound scare and it just cuts. That's nothing. Like, I'm sorry, movie. That's nothing.

Nothing happened there. An old man farted and almost was brought to his knees. That's what she heard. He had to steady himself in the cold. Yeah, and then you see the two of them like walk through the static. And you're like, oh, hey, Michael Keats's a ghost,

credits. End of the movie. So stupid. There's no least set. There's no less satisfying. Eight out of ten ghost movies end this way where somebody, now you're one of the ghosts. You know what I mean?

You're totally right. Now you're haunting this house. In White Noise 2, are they trying to bust Michael Keaton's ghost now? No, it's White Noise 2 is Nathan Philean. And it's more... It's Starbucks from Battlestar Galactica. You're right.

And the two of them are... It's more of like the predicting future accident shit. Oh, come on. I haven't seen it, but that's like the plot synopsis. So I don't think they're trying to search for Michael Keaton. I don't... I can't confirm or deny whether or not you see a newspaper clipping of him. I'm sure.

It's something like that, you know. And then the final thing that it ends with, because this movie loves just making you read shit about EVP. It's like each year there's 10,000 cases of EVP reported or whatever. And then the last line is like, and one out of 12 always are malignant spirits. Well, you could make up statistics to say anything you want, I guess. Here's something like, it's like one out of 12 ghosts or jerks.

so like fucking six out of 12 people are jerks so the ghosts have better stats yeah I'm liking the odds well the movie also opens with a quote from Thomas Edison grow up which it's like oh grow up Thomas Edison you know it's Edison talking about like

oh well if it would be possible to like record the conversations from the dead like we should get working on that because how cool would that be or whatever and then it's like Thomas Edison, and what that is doing is saying, like, see, moviegoer, this is some real shit. Oh, yeah, it's all, Thomas Edison approved. Thomas Edison approved of White Noise the movie. Unfortunately, he's been dead a long time.

Not even his ghost would approve of this movie. Dude, he white-noised on the set that day, and he was like, I invented a lot of things, but not even my big brain could invent a great script like this. My blessing. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, because Michael Keaton apologized for it. Oh, yeah, explain that fact. Apparently on the DVD commentary, he said that he phoned in a lot of his performance,

and he apologized to the director and anyone who saw this movie. And once you know that when you go back and watch this movie, you can spot those points like nobody's business. He doesn't even, like, he has one scene of Michael Keaton freak out, which I'm like, oh, finally. but like there needs to be more of that especially if he's scared like he needs to be like Michael Keating around yeah he's just bored as shit this entire time even when it's like hey man I can guarantee you that you can hear your dead wife over this computer recording he's like yeah that's cool and it's not the character being skeptical or depressed or anything the character

is supposed to be into it and he's like well how about that I heard her and you're like Holy shit, man. And he's all that there is in this movie, and when he's not working, nobody's working. Would you recommend this, Eric? No, but I would recommend Grimlins to The New Batch. Yeah, I'd recommend anything with Gramlins. Or Beetlejuice or Poultergeist

or whatever else is on TV today. Literally, whatever else. I would recommend the Exorcism of Emily Rose over this movie. And that's a snoozy ghost legal thriller. For sure. Oh, man, no, I would not recommend this. movie at all i've been sitting on this movie for a long time sought in theaters i mean i've wasted so many minutes of my life you've thought about this movie a lot because every time you put that

shirt on it crosses your mind i thought about the time i spent a saturday morning at the movies watching white noise and it was like i went with a buddy and he was just like dude we shouldn't have gone to see this movie like it was over with he was like i could have been doing anything else i was like i'm sorry dude we didn't pay for it at least and now you're no longer friends I was best man at his wedding. He got over it. He must have. He still harbors some resentment, though.

That's White Noise from 2005, directed by Jeffrey Sacks. If you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about We Hey Movies, check out our website, WHM Podcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast. Be sure to come check us out at the Lillipad, March 21st, 8 p.m. In Cambridge, Massachusetts, we will be talking about. talking about the saddest movie Steve's ever seen

the Green Lantern. The parallax in that, the big monster, kind of looks like these three ghosts a little bit. You're totally right, but this movie could have used some more like Green Lantern special effects, I feel. Could have used a lot more things. They could have used a ship monster, which Green Lantern has, which we'll be making fun of. WHM podcast.brownpapertickets.com. Pick up your tickets in advance. We will not be selling them at the door. and on a cool note

we have some cool news to report here at the WHM offices. Ain't it cool news? No, no, no, just regular cool news. Oh, just regular cool news. Just regular cool news. Just regular cool news.com, dude. This is the last episode of the show

where we will be an independent podcast. As of next week's episode, we will be very happy in joining the sideshow network, the sideshow podcast network, cool group of folks over there. We're getting hitched. We're getting hitched. We are getting hitched to a network, man.

It's very exciting stuff. They have a lot of great shows over there. Check out sideshownetwork.tv. And they got Gilbert Godfrey's podcast. Dude, I'm hoping that, like, through this signing, we get to meet Gilbert. How cool would that be to meet Gilbert Godfrey? It'd be amazing. Yeah, so sideshownetwork.

TV, go check out their shows. They got a lot of good stuff on there. We are officially joining the network next week. And, you know, let's just to get people excited for the new network. You know, I will say this, it's going to be the same we hate movies. Nothing's changing. Nothing is changing at all. You know, we just got a great support system behind us now, you know?

Yeah, I'm just being replaced, but nobody would care. Oh, yeah. The contract didn't pan out for Steve. Steve's being replaced by a talking dog. Yeah. But that's fine. No, no, no. All four of us are coming over to the sideshow network.

It's going to be very cool. And, you know, let's not tease it. Let's, like, get people excited. Next week's episode, Steve Sadek, what are we talking about? Teen Wolf, too. Holy crap, the Jason Bateman, like, fake sequel, practically an Oingo Boingo musical. Man, I would love to just watch a feature-length Ongo Boingo Musical. So next week, we debut on Side Show.

Everything's staying the same. Your iTunes subscriptions are the same. You can stream us on Stitcher. You can stream us on our app. You can stream us on our website. We will now have a SoundCloud page, which I believe is WHMpodcast. soundcloud.com. You'll be able to listen to us on sideshownetwork.

Dot TV. So just more places to get the show. But wherever you get it now, you can still get it. But go check out sideshow network.tv. As of next week, we are a part of the sideshow family. We're very excited about that. So next week, Teen Wolf 2, good gravy. We are starting this

network debut with a crazy sequel. I'm very excited about this. So until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Seda. Take it easy. Thank you.