We Hate Movies - S5 Ep194: Fatal Beauty

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang takes a look at Whoopi Goldberg's Beverly Hills Cop knock-off, Fatal Beauty! Is this as conspicuous as an undercover detective can get? Why was that gentleman eating glass? And once Cher dropped out and the Whoopster was cast, why didn't they change the character from being Italian? PLUS: The guys find Sam Elliot's lion mane... Hypnotic. Fatal Beauty stars Whoopi Goldberg, Sam Elliot, Rubén Blades, Harris Yulin, James Le Gros and Brad Dourif; directed by Tom Holland. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jopin. Chris Gabon. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you are new to us, if you have found us, via the Sideshow Network, welcome. Thank you for hanging out.

We're happy to be here. Today we're talking about a truly atrocious film from the 1980s. And first we'll say, finally, welcome to the program, Whoopi Goldberg. Finally, man. Was this her first? This is Whoopi's first time on the show with 1987's face. Beatle Beauty, directed by Tom Holland. What is this movie?

Oh, I can tell you exactly what this movie is. Chris Cabin's going to tell us exactly. Wait, I want to hear this. Beverly Hills Lady Cop. Yeah, you're totally right. It's precisely what it is. It's just like, hey, you know what? Eddie Murphy, he made us a bunch of money three years ago.

Yep. Would be Goldberg's going to make us a bunch of money now. No, she's not. Like, make her a cop, make her have a potty mouth. You're totally right. because she's just a wise-cracking Axel Foley as portrayed by Whoopi Goldberg is what's happening. Although, like I read a little bit of trivia

that Cher was going to play this role originally. And you know what? That makes complete sense because this is a great place to start. Whoopi Goldberg's name in this movie and I get the irony because her name is Whoopi Goldberg but she's playing a character in this movie named Rizoli. And there's one scene.

Rita Rizoli. There's one scene in this movie where they Sam Elliott says to her like well that sure is a nice Italian name and they make no joke but he's also like and you got them beautiful

Italian brown eyes it's it's so insane like she's the character in the movie was supposed to be actually Italian and shares pulling off Italian and just let's let's clear this up because you know because her name

is Rosoli you might be wondering if Sam Elliott's name is Isles it is not just so we have have that cleared up. It's also kind of, it's kind of all right with me that the fact that they just like, you know, well, you know, this is a part written for whatever

and we're just going to put whoever in it. And I think that's kind of cool. It's totally fine, but take out the scene where they have a conversation about her being Italian. Yes, they really, they really go over the top with it because they mention it a lot. Like in Shawshank Redemption with Morgan Freeman as read, it's

it's like played for a joke in one scene. Instead, these scenes are played like super serious. like, you're a retaliate. Well, that's what's funny is because I heard a story. I think it was actually on the commentary for the Beverly Health Cop Blu-ray.

Okay. Where Beverly Hill's Cop was actually supposed to be a Sylvester Stallone vehicle. Oh, really? And they turned it into a comedy specifically to make the script work for Eddie Murphy. Oh, I see. Oh, it was going to be

Cobra, too. It was like Cobra. It was supposed to be like Cobra. That's how. Yeah, no thanks. It went the right way. Yeah, I'm very happy. And this was the wrong way. Absolutely.

This is the wrong way. So this is, Whoopi Goldberg is, I mean, she's Axifoli. She is a hard-nosed detective, always quick with the one-liners, you know, kind of like the bane of the police force's existence, like everyone else on this police force, including, because it's a 1980s cop comedy, the run ragged chief played by some man who's one heartbeat away from not being on this earth anymore. Wits end. He is about to lose it. He's going to blow a gasket. Well, no, that's the thing. I don't think he's like defeated. He's just like, Oh, Rizoli. You know what? I didn't want to get out of bed today anyway. You know what? I'm going home and you can go

and deal with all of this stuff you started. Chris, you are right. I think his gasket probably blew like six months ago and he's less like, oh yeah. This is just the steam. He's brain and soul dead. Yeah. After this. And it's just like, whatever you're going to do, I know You're just going to do it, Rizoli. Yes. Foley, Rezoli. So we start out, Whoopi Goldberg is, of course, dressed up like a prostitute undercover. She's running down the street, just yelling one-liners at people.

It's like, this is the introduction to your movie that is pushing the two-hour mark. And you're like, oh, okay, I remember the first time I saw this about a year or two ago. It's like, oh, that's what this movie is. Okay, I have 147 minutes left of this movie. and I know exactly what's going on. Hooray. Like, she just doesn't stop. And by the way, she's an undercover agent, it turns out, in this scene.

Yes. She's wearing stuff that everybody remembers. Like, a big blonde wig. You're totally right. Like this crazy pink and, like, leopard print dress thing going on. Oh, it's nuts. And then my favorite part, the sunglasses that are hands. They're like sunglasses in the shape of jazz hands.

It's the weirdest thing. I thought I was watching pants. Labrard So she like goes into this bar Or whatever To try to get this dude To sell her some drugs Is what's going on

She gets sexually harassed by Cheech Marin Oh big time sexually harassed by Cheech Marin He's sticking his big Cheech tongue out And he's just like asking Why don't you kiss me baby? And I'm like man Yeah This is a business

You're working here right now How about that stereotypical Texan Next to him? Who thinks of him? Who thinks? thinks he's going to wrangler afterwards. Oh yeah. He's like, oh, didn't work for Cheech over there. I'm going to wrestle my way. I can buy you a, I can buy you a and I believe that twice in the same scene, she threatens different characters with if you don't

get away from me or if you don't stop what you're doing, I'm going to cut your dick off. Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, so that this movie is at that level. Oh yeah. Like we're talking about cutting dicks. Like it's that. level now. Later, balls are almost shot off. Oh, well, that comes standard, I feel. Is it? Ball cut, or the threat of ball cutting? I mean, ball threat in general.

Well, like, Jim Belushi and K-9, like, he's like, the dog's going to bite your balls off. Like, it's been around for a while. Yeah, I guess you're right. That was the start of ball danger in cinema? No, I feel like Ball Danger's been around forever. Like, was Charlie Chaplin ever hitting the balls? I'm pretty sure Harold Lloyd.

Buster Keaton, maybe. A house felon. on Buster Keaton's balls. It's fine. So, you know, this whole deal goes wrong. Like, the dude shows up and, you know, they're about to do this whole thing. And then this guy in the back of the bar starts, like, getting rough

with this other woman. And, like, Whoopie's got to stop in and take care of this, because, you know, she's a good person. You find out, like, she like stands for the people of the streets. And this turns out to be an informant of hers. Her, like, best like, ears on the ground kind of a thing. She's in the middle of this bar getting

beaten by this is like Klaus Kinski's stunt double or something Dude he looks like a cross between Klaus Kinski and the woman who plays Zool and goes He's like the singer from Diane Wood It's got a fucking reddy blonde mullet

It's not good He's hammering this chick in this bar And like Cheech does not doing anything. No one cares They're just like oh well let I'm not getting involved in people's business But it's like well if a woman dies in your bar Yeah, that might just draw, you know, attention to other bars.

Yeah, you're getting put out of business, chief. Yeah, I don't think- Or cheat, rather, I should say. Um, so she follows this dude out in the alley and she's like, hey, you know, knock it off. I'm a cop, you know, and this guy, like, turns around and just starts, like, beating the shit out of her. Oh, yeah. Throwing the N-word this way and that. Oh, my God. And then, like, we're raising the stakes again because, like, all right, first you're saying you're going to cut someone's dick off.

You're like, all right, it's that movie. Okay, fine, you know. And before that, she's out on the street doing a lot of, like, don't mess with me, motherfucker, like this and that. So you're, like, tuning yourself into the language. And then it's like, all right, cutting balls off. That's fine. That's the level where this movie is.

I get it. And then all of a sudden, the N-word is thrown out, like, seven times in ten seconds. Like, just going for it. As this dude is stomping her. And I'm like, I thought this was a Whoopi Goldberg cop comedy. And, like, man, I get it. I this is the villain so he's got to be evil I wish he was the villain if he was having lines of dialogue

this he's like a he's like a hoodlub for the scene he's the villain he's the villain of the scene because he's about to kill her informant like I get it why you why you're trying to amp it up so much is that an acting trick like okay who's the villain of the scene and who is the protagonist of the scene I like maybe when the person is writing it If you're sitting around acting a scene out,

and you're like, now, which one of us is the villain? No one has read the scene. Not the one with the knife, no. Maybe the kind of dead prostitute. No. Fatal Beauty. We guarantee you a villain in every scene. Jock full of villains.

So she just murders this guy, like, just totally shoots this guy dead. Yeah. And, but the whole, like, undercover operation is blown. You know, like, so her, her buddies. come in like you fucked it up again Rizoli. The drug dealer is long gone. The money she brought to buy the drugs with, you know.

Also gone. Also gone. Just taken by someone in the alley when her purse gets thrown in her stomping that ensued. So, you know, then we're introduced to this chief and it's like, you know, all that money's gone, this person's murdered, what's going on with this, you know,

undercover operation. Well, we cannot miss. She's got two partners or not partners like detectives they were this one guy will not stop the dude from Lost with the mullet um the guy who in the thing his head becomes the

spider not really narrowing it down but I know who you're talking about the one whose head becomes the spider because there's the guy from Lost whose name is Chris Mulkey no no that's the other one this is the other wonder gentleman I think yeah the round

the rotund fellow okay yeah it sort of looks like Robert Wool meets the Michelin man But like man Right after you went on like an N-word spree He's referring to this

His colleague as a Dusky detective Yeah And then like she bends over To get a piece of evidence He's like Yeah I could show you a good time there honey Oh yeah

He's like He was only you ever have a doggy style But it's awesome though Because the whoopster flips it around She's always flipping them right And she's just like I have it what do you think about it or whatever?

And then, like, oh, this dude's just, like, humiliated. She implies that he has had, someone had perpetrated doggy style on him, and the crowd that has gathered starts to chuckle. Thinks it's pretty good. Thinks it's a pretty good one. Hey, if I was there, I'd laugh at that fat fuck, too. He's being completely inappropriate is what's happening. Well, he also, they had, they make a bet over this corpse.

Oh, that's, well, so we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here as I feel what's going on, because we can't also, we can't forget, Brad Duref is in this movie. Yes. So the other side of like, so she's trying to get this like drug ring or whatever. And this guy that she was going to buy from, you know,

winds up running away when she goes after the, the woman getting hit on in the alley or whatever. Kind of looks like Big Daddy from the Simpsons. He's kind of wearing a moo-moo. Yeah. So then like we follow this guy. And this guy like goes into like a closed Chinese. restaurant or whatever and then we see

like a van outside and it's Brad Durif and like two other dudes getting ready to rob this place or whatever and then we see what's going on there's like three Asian women and an Asian man like just totally nude like going through the Coke and everything

one dude's got the giggle fits yeah he's been like ingesting it somehow so he's like freaking out or whatever and then one of the guys that Brad Durif is with is like also working for this drug ring and he's going to like turn on them so he's like, all right, I'll leave the door unlocked and

blah, blah, blah. And you go in and they just start shooting up the place like Brad Durf and this other guy just like murder everybody. Yeah. And it's like we're stealing all of the product. This guy's laughing throughout the murders. Yeah. Brad Derriff's playing a real crazy dude

in this movie. Well, he's a total scumbag. But like, and isn't, I think Tom Holland wrote Child's play or he directed it? He at least definitely directed it a year after this movie. So yeah, I think that this is laying the groundwork for playing Chuckie.

For being a serial killer. Right, right. Or like a, you know, a vooduistic one. Right. We're going to do this movie so you can get in character for the next movie. We're going to lay some ground work, is what I'm saying. Now, you're going to be in both movies. You get to be the villain in every scene. This is the

big villain. This villain's in every scene almost. Yeah. But yeah, like, he's crazy in this movie. He's totally crazy. So, like, they go on this killings for you. They steal all the product, which the product is called Fatal Beauty, this strain of

coke that, we're told the guy has, like, cut incorrectly and there's too much of one cutting agent, so it's, like, really strong and poisonous and lives up to its name fatal beauty, right? So then they get called to that scene.

And then, yeah, these two, like, pig detectives are like, oh, his face is so shot up, like, we'll give you 50 bucks if you can positively, uh, ID him. And she's like, oh, yeah, that ring on his finger has his initials on it. Great detective work, everybody. You know, and she goes out and she sees like this van for this security systems company. And, uh, Kroll Enterprises. Crawl. Yeah, like the warrior.

Oh, well. Or is it Kroll? Like Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll. Oh, is it? Like Nick Kroll's uncle. Crawl is the, the conqueror. That's a movie. Call the Kronkerer. Oh, call the, the Kroll. And then Kroll is Kroll is the movie and then there's Kohl of the Conqueror. Oh, oh, oh. As a giant or whatever. Yes.

And then there's a big alien monster thing. Wait, but there is a movie. Wait, Kroll, man. All right, hang on. There is a movie called Kroll, right? Yes. So I'm not crazy. No, yeah, there's a movie called Kroll.

But then there's also. And you should check it out. It's pretty nice. I've seen it. Well, you should watch it again. But then there's, you're saying, call the Conqueror is a different thing? I think, I think this might be a case of the internet ticker being needed to. So we'll fire off the internet ticket to get an answer on that.

But so anyways, she sees this van and there's blood coming out of it and... The third guy got shot. Yeah. So that dude's like dead in the van or whatever. Call the Conqueror with Kevin Sorbonne. Right. There we go. Okay.

So now we're back at the detective precinct and he's flipping the fuck out. And it turns out that this like crawl of crawl, you know, security or whatever this guy's business is, is a dude high up in society, you know, it's the 1980s. So your vague drug trade's happening, right? All over the place. The whoopee's basically saying, like, hey, this dude, crawl is somehow involved in this drug racket. And the guy's like, listen, I don't like where this is going. He has ties to all sorts of politicians. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's 1987. It's exactly what you think is going to happen. Yeah, it's the vague drug trade. I mean, you know, there's always a rich white dude behind it, you know, like we've seen canines before us. And I've been reading a lot of self-help books these days. And I think that, I mean, this. To me, this is exactly what the... Are you okay?

Well, a little bit. No, but this is what I imagine, this guy's going, the chief. Yeah. Because he's always just like, do it. Like, no, just don't, please don't do it. Like, I want like a little... Yeah, this dude's ready to kick the chair out. Yeah, I kind of want more of a lethal weapon type chief where he is, like, yelling at him and, like, actually like, get your job done.

Versus like, oh, Rizoli, yeah. Really, man? No, this guy's got, like, his own cloudy hanging above him. Oh no Rosoli Look who's back It's cloudy You make my life miserable I don't want to

Why would you do that to somebody Don't shoot up everybody So then we get this scene One of my favorite character actors That doesn't really get a lot of work these days James Lagros Totally awesome dude He's playing like this drug dealer

Who's slinging some of this Brad Duriff and his buddies come up one dude is what Mark Pellegrino from Lost is one of the guys And then this other guy whose character's name is Frankenstein They're trying to like intimidate him Well it's not James James Ogross is just a kid He's not the dealer

Oh that's not the drug dealer Don't they look very similar a little bit? Yeah I so then this other guy isn't anybody though He's just a no he's just a drug dealer But so they're trying to intimidate this guy Like you're going to sling for us or blah blah blah And to get this guy like shaking in his boots This man whose name is Frankenstein just takes a glass soda bottle and chomps into it and chews it up and then spits bits of blood, glass, and presumably the inside of his mouth into this dude's like champagne glass that he's got or whatever.

And it's one of those things, like, it shouldn't bother me because obviously this movie is stupid, but like he starts chewing the glass and there's a clear shot of him chewing the glass and pearly whites beaming. out. And then all of a sudden he's got like a whole hunk of blood just drooping out of his mouth. That's how it works. Comes out in hunks. Yeah, big old hunk. It's so disgusting. So this guy's like, all right, I will deal drugs for you or whatever. Yeah, just please

don't eat glass in front of me ever again. I'm ruining my champagne. If you don't sell drugs for us, I'll do more bodily hard. I'm going to eat all your glasses. Yeah. I'm just going to keep eating this glass until you have no more glass. See that jar tomato sauce? Whole thing's going in my

I'm going to chew it right up. We get a scene of, this is one of my favorite moments, is Whoopi Goldberg at this diner or like deli counter or whatever. And it's like she's been working all night and this dude's like just opening up for business because like now the sun's come up and she's got to order a pastramion rye because she's a big tough cop. And while this is happening, this is where James Lackros comes in. And he's kind of like robbed the joint.

And like she talks him out of it by doing this. second of two magic tricks that she does in this movie. I didn't mention this. In the first scene when they're in the alley and the guys using the N-word, she totally does a Batman magic trick on him. Because like she's one place and then

he looks and she vanishes and he's like, where are you? And she's like, it's ridiculous. She pops up behind him and she's just like, well, I'm right here behind you somehow. It's ridiculous. By the way, this is also after he threatens like, I know where you live and I'm going to break into your house late at night

and then fight you and then fuck you. Like he's like, I'm not only going to break into your house and hurt you, I'm also going to rape you. It's like also, and he like words it like a bonus. Like he's like, and maybe just for fun, I'll fuck your brains out.

And this is James LaGro saying this back at the deli. But so then he pulls, he's like, goes to pull a knife on her and he's like, huh, huh. And she's like, oh, looking for this. And she pulls this switchblade out. I'm like, what I have, your phallic symbol. Come on, Oliver Twist.

This little pickpocket she is now. And, yeah, and he accuses her. He's like, that's a crime or whatever. But it's like, you were just, you were trying to pull a knife on someone. You can't exactly use that. Why? So she, like, talks him out of it, and she's like, go home, kid. I got to eat this sandwich and get to bed or whatever.

And the chief explicitly says, like, and also you're not investigating this crawl guy. He's way too powerful. Like, nobody can touch him. Stay away. And she goes up to his house in her pink Cadillac. And we are greeted by the most beautiful specimen, 1987 ever saw. You know, I knew he was in this movie.

And I was like, yeah, whatever. But when I saw this, I got weak in the knees. It's incredible. Here comes a 1987 Sam Elliott with the Sam Elliott mustache and the most beautiful, totally wild, untamable mullet. I mean, this hair is

outrageous. It's a Maine. Call what it is. It's a Maine. It's an absolute lion mane. This thing is so awesome. He's got a couple of horse features, if you know what I'm talking about. It's hard to say no. It is hard. It is. And so he is

playing like Mr. Kroll's head of security. And it's just like, no, you can't come in. Whoopi Goldberg. But I'm going to flirt with you for a little bit. Yeah. So now we're just, we're flirting for 10 minutes.

I'm Mike Marchek. Yeah. And I'm here to do security. Mike Marchek. Yeah, I work security for Mr. Kroll. You're gonna, you got some beautiful eyes there.

This is the scene where he's like, that's a nice Italian name, Rezoli. Look at you. A beautiful Italian woman. And you're just like, okay. You know. and so then it's like we cut to and this is there's like a little amazing bits after little amazing bits in this movie so right when i'm like just getting over the shock of that main we get a nude harris eulen in a swimming pool day bathing with a security guard just hanging out oh dude he's got detail everywhere watching him swim nude it's so fantastic and whoopi goldberg like jumps the fence or his big like hedge maze wall or whatever

And you just see Harris Eulen get out of this fucking pool And his ass is hanging out What does she say to him right then and there? She makes fun of his small penis She says, does that come an adult size? Good one, well. You got a little baby dick. Got it tight.

Did you buy that a KB toys? It looks like it cost a lot. Well, you know, to quote George Costanza, you know, he was in the pool. Good toys. Come on. You know, so he gets a robot on and puts his penis away so they can have an

interview. And it's just, it's weird because you're like, okay, like you're setting up Harris Eulen's totally the bad guy in this movie. Yeah. Yeah. And then after this scene, Harris Eulen doesn't come back into this movie until the last scene. One more scene. He has one more

big sequence. That's it. At least Kevin McTeague in K-9, like he's the villain from start to finish. You know, he's the guy high up in society that, you know, he's pals with the mayor and whatever. And he's like, well, fuck you, Jim Belushi, like, through the whole movie. Well, this movie, it's like, Wuppie meets him, and he's like, get out of here.

Be quiet. Get out of here, Whoopi? You know, and then he yells at Sam Elliott, like, who is that? Be quiet. I was a beautiful Italian movie. And then he's gone for like an hour and 15 minutes until, like, his last scene. Well, there were parts where I was like, is Brad Durf working for him to some capacity? But he's not.

At the end, it's made very clear that they're too total. separate enterprises. Yeah. They really kind of get their wires crossed like writing this movie because yeah, you do think like,

okay, Brad Durav's like, you know, moving in, working for this guy, but what Brad Durf is actually doing is moving in on Harris Eulen's

entire operation. Yes. Where is the scene where Harris Eulen's like, this guy that looks like a serial killer is trying to mooch in on my business,

you know? Right? And then, you know, uh, Mike Marcheck. Gotta go check. Marcheck.

Rizoli, would you like to come with me to check this out. Hey, we're going to check out an awful lot of things today, Rizole. I want to check out my Marcheck. But, like, where is Brad Durf seen, like, facing off with him, like, oh, yeah, old man. Well, I'm going to take your fucking drug business. Well, or like. Step back, son, Mike Marchek. I run security around here.

Which, by the way, he's terrible at. Oh, God. He never, he never does it. He's the worst security guard. Like, he's the highest paid terrible security guard in all of Beverly Hills. And you're working for a drug lord. You don't think the one thing the drug lord's really going to make sure he's got good is a security chief. Brad Duref has way better security and he operates his drug operation out of the slums.

See, the thing is, Sam Elliott's just chasing Whoopi Goldberg the whole time. He's just stalking her and nothing's getting done. But I don't believe that this is just a first, like I kind of feel like whenever there's a pretty lady comes up to the door for Harris Yulin, he goes all do I. His excuse is, my boss told me I have to follow you for a few months. What? Because I'm, you know, Mike Marchak, security. Background checks. They're really extensive.

Say, what do you, important? Say, what do you think about this lion, Maine? I'm sporting. The thing is, a mustache and the title of security went a long way in the 1980s. I guess it did. And that's all you really needed to be able to do is grow a mustache. And you could be someone's chief security. office. Or just say you are one and people would respect you. Actually, that's also true. Now, how many of you guys, the two of you, thought that it was going to turn out that Sam Elliott was actually some like undercover FBI agent or something like, you're, you're going to blow it, whoopey. I've been playing the role of Mike Marchack for 10 years trying to get cold. The mustache falls off. I totally thought it was going to be a thing where he's working undercover to try to like bust him. You know, that makes sense.

but it didn't even occur to me. Like that's how this movie should go. He reveals that and it's like, okay, we'll work together to take down Harris Eulen. Instead, nothing happens with this big drug lord. I actually for a moment did kind of think he might have pulled a like, oh man, my

brother died from drugs that were supplied by Harris Eulin. I got real close. Like a little bit more of a personal touch. Oh, dude, personal vendetta. Yeah. I was going to drown him in that baby dick in that pool. I was going to drown him baby dick first

in that that nice swimming hole he's got. You see, Rizoli, I was doing a little more than just chasing your skirt, you know what I'm saying? But that was my major concern. It was a high priority. So then we have

the craziest thing you'll ever see in this movie. She gets a call that her informant is now in the middle of a hostage crisis. There's another movie going on where this informant girl is having the final destination happened. She was supposed to be beating the death in that alley.

She cheated it. Now the Reaper's coming after. Actually, no, that's the horror movie that's happening on the other side of this movie. Yeah, it's where the Reaper collects. Where Fatal Beauty is just hitting like everybody and it's madness in the streets. Oh, yeah.

And like everybody's bleeding out their mouths and like killing each other. Chomping down on glass. It's the crazies. It's the crazies. great movie not the remake you see rizoli i was actually sent here by god to fight the reaper mike marchek i'm an uh i'm an angel third class mike marchek heaven's security that'd be saint marchic saint saint michael ring a bell saint michael marchek they don't they don't add the last name to everybody so she's like my buddy's in trouble like let's go see what's going on

and it turns out like she's in the house with some dude who's like taking her hostage she's on crank or something and she's like okay well you know let's go see what we can do as soon as she said this this huge dude who looks like the WWE's

Mark Henry bursts out of this house with like a fucking shotgun and like shoots this cop like point blank with this shotgun and they just open fire on this guy and he's hepped up on fatal beauty and this guy comes running down these back stairs

like I'll kill everybody he gets shot like 14 times he's Robocop by the time he gets to the bottom of the stairs he's been Robocop and he's still going he is the energizer buddy of cranked up drug users like this guy

is just getting shot and shot and shot and he keeps coming after it finally drops he finally drops it might be because off screen Mike Marchek was distracting the Reaper he couldn't get there I'm here, you son of a bitch. No one's dying in Los Angeles today.

So this dude's murdered. She runs inside to see what's going on, and her informant has also OD'd unfatel beauty. There's a kid in the house, and I don't know what this kid's deal is. I think this is like a little Dick Whitman situation, you know? He's living with this prostitute house here. Right, right.

Oh, yeah, I didn't put that together. That's entirely possible. He's being raised by a bunch of hookers with a heart of gold? Yeah, and he'll change names eventually. Find a job for himself. Then he'll work for Chevy. Yeah. So, you know, Whoopi tries to revive this woman,

tries to get her in the tub, do CPR or whatever. EMT comes in. She's dead. And so it's like, oh, now we're starting to put it together. Like, oh, so there's fatal beauty, blah, blah, blah. Like, let's try to get to the bottom of who's slinging this. I read somewhere, I think it was IMDB. I don't know if it was like official or if it was like

in the message board area that it's like the movie title of fatal beauty has several meanings for instance no it doesn't you could apply it to Whoopi Goldberg because she is a beautiful woman but she'll also kill people someone took the time to write that somewhere

yeah someone took the time it's a good intro if you're going to review that's a good intro so we get like the lab report by the guy who like played the Kramer character on Jerry the guy who stole the raisins like he comes in and he's just like

oh hey Rizoli they're like best friends and he's like sorry to tell you this but this is the strongest drug I've ever seen in human history and she's like oh a challenge okay and like the whole thing is she keeps getting shit on by her superiors because they're all like oh well these

are like you know people over the street creatures of the night like whatever we don't care oh like give me a fucking like i get it it's the lapd trust me i get it but also like they're not gonna just be like oh fuck it an open case like oh she was yeah i you know i don't know though i could totally see being like what they're just prostitutes we have higher priorities this is los angeles i'm sure some rich white women were dying from this possible it's entirely possible dude it's called Tales of the Grim Sleeper. Have you seen that movie? Well, yes. Wait, what? There's a documentary coming out called Tales of the Grim Sleeper. The Grim Sleeper was a serial killer in L.A. who killed

prostitutes. And the whole thing is like the LAPD kind of just didn't do anything about it. Because they were like, oh, they're just, you know, they're black women, their prostitutes, like, forget it. Right. So this guy like got away with it for years. And then he like went dormant. And then he resurfaced and got himself caught. And like the documentary is. about this dude, it's fucking terrifying and upsetting. It's coming to HBO, dude. It's going to be great. From Nick Broomfield.

So they have a lead. Her partner, by the way, is Ruben Blades. Yep. I wish Ruben Blades was in more movies. Oh, he's great in the counselor. He, like, really puts a nice, like, the Cameron Diaz movie? Yeah, it's great.

I'm a big defender of that movie. Yes. Steve is on the opposite end. He's a wishy-washy on it, but I think he doesn't like it. Yeah, there's, it's a mixed bag type of movie, right? Like, a lot of people like, a lot of people hate it. I really like it. And Room Blades has a really good, like, badass.

Like, I'm the main, like, I'm the head of a cartel speech at the end of it. The counselor has a movie with, like, a main focused villain in it. Yes. Oh, well, that's one thing. This movie doesn't. Yeah. So they have a lead. It's like, oh, this dude might be slinging this stuff.

Richard Geer. Yes. Slash, he looks like Richard Geer. Which slash, he not, he had a dozen. It absolutely does not look like him. Not in the slightest. But like Whoopi Goldberg thinks he looks like Richard Geer and she thinks he's really hot or something?

Yes, but then there's the gag where like, is it Sam Elliott's character? Doesn't know who Richard Geer is? There is a gag like that. I don't know if it's, it might be... I actually think it might be the fat detective, the detective, the page detective. There's a gag of this movie because it's 1987 where she's like,

oh, I'm going to go. look for this guy. We get people look out. He looks like Richard Gear and the person's like, who? And it's this total, I mean, it's a total product of his time. You don't know who Richard Gear is? You haven't seen a pretty woman? Richard Gear, handsomest man on earth. Greatest actor the world's ever seen. Like, all this shit. You're just like, oh, 1987. Oh, thank you. But like, and the guy looks like Joe Piscopo. Yeah, no, he doesn't look anything like Richard

gear. But so now we're back undercover and it's like Disguise number two She's playing like Innocent girl Like just moved to L.A. to be an actress And she walks over to him Using the same stupid line like

Are you Richard Gear? And then he's just like Well I could introduce you to Richard Gear Why don't you park your little fanny right there? I could also use you and sell you to my friends for a little bit of money Like that's the subtext of the scene It's so terrible though

Because it's just your classic like skis ball like scumbag taking advantage of like an aspire like Hollywood scumbag you know what I mean but he at least he's a little upfront about things because eventually he's like go back to my place and and have some blow and she's like what's blow and he's like you know Colombian cocoa dust oh yeah lick I think he calls it whatever you're not supposed to call it oh is it Colombian cuckoo dust oh coo dust that's what it is yeah Colombian cuckoo does. You know what? And it's the same thing too with weed,

where it's like the person who's obsessed with like given weed like a complicated nickname or bragging about like the strain of weed. You know what I mean? And you're just like, just shut up. Like I don't give a shit about what you're going to call this. And getting like super excited to do it. That's another terrible thing. Like this dude's like, we're going to go back

and do coke. Yes. Which I guess you would do if you were already on cocaine. Yeah, because it's pointedly the selling point. Hey, man, everybody lacks Coke. We're going to go do Coke. What we're saying is if you're going to do drugs, man, keep it a little casual. Totally. Don't be so fucking obnoxious about it.

So whatever, he's like feeling her up and he's like, oh, what's that piece of metal between your legs? Thankfully, there's no penis joke here. I could have sworn this movie was not above a robot penis joke, but they go beyond that, which is nice. And she's like, oh, that little old thing. well it's just a gun because I'm totally a cop and this guy like this guy like starts firing wildly and now there's just another shootout happening

in this restaurant she shoots him in the butt right in the butt just push right in the butt and you're like oh man movie like cut him in the leg I know then he's got to go meet Lyndon Johnson that was a far scump joke oh Jesus

far pull I mean after I figured it out No, yeah, it's the scenic route. So she, like, strings this guy. She's like, oh, you got shot in the ass, huh? Hey, kitchen staff at this restaurant. String this guy up in your refrigerator. I just do it.

Yeah, she's like, she's like, don't worry about it. I'm a police officer. Actually, can you make that a wins or not? Okay, thank you. And it's like in the meat locker, like, or like the freezer. The walk-in fridge. Yeah. And she's like threatening this dude and like, yeah, I'm going to leave you in there.

Am I? I watch this late at night So if I'm misremembering Something does she touch his dick Or something because she does a dick This is the next I'm going to She taps it a little bit Yeah she's like oh look at that little dick

She's obsessed with telling people they got little dicks Oh yeah dude it's great and then she's like Again she's like I'm going to shoot your cock off Yeah If you don't tell me You know what the deal is with Brad Dura That is fucked up man That is like ISIS

Dude she gets results Yeah Rezoli she gets results with or without aisles what's that about by the way why did we Resolian Isles is a new show right Is that it was a remake of an earlier show No no you're just thinking of Cagney and Lacey

Right so this is the same thing but with new names And the name just happens to be exactly from this movie Well I think also one of them is a detective And the other one is like a medical examiner or something Isn't that right? So they're not both cops It's like bones and badges which was the original title of bones it was bones and badges and they just decided to come off

but that's actually a highly lewd act in the UK and they didn't want to disturb the market so they're like you know what bones and badges could also be like a like a Yale secret society yeah dude welcome to bones and badges speaking a little dicks you couldn't make it into skull and bones so here you are at plan B bones and badges

it's kind of the same thing but we don't have as great funding and we're not as secret so wait wait so some of the bones from skull and bones can hang out but like the skulls do not the skulls wouldn't associate

if you pledge skull and bones you get ranked to skull you don't have to worry about it you don't go anywhere don't have to associate with badges you never have to worry about money but B you never have to fucking deal with those badges oh god wait a second

are skull and bones broken up into skulls and bones I don't think so but I think it would be a good idea because I do think the bones would hang out with the other bones of bones and badges

Yeah I mean you got bones go together I do think that yeah I think it would work Or is bones and badges Like a fraternal cop organization Oh that could be too Yeah

Like for the you know They pay for funerals or something Or it's like a secret society Like the stone cutters Yeah Yeah So anyway This dude

finally gives up the information because he doesn't want his dick shot off like she's smart it totally works you're right just violating every law there ever was she's a hard-nosed detective dude it's the 1980s used to it torture is totally accepted it's true for don't forget where you are dude 1987 87 movie world don't forget where you are united states period underline the end i think we're post cruising so the cops can do anything at this point yeah i think we are our post-cruising. 87? Yeah, we're post-cruising for sure. So, yeah, the gobs do anything they like. Hey, Sam Elliott,

hips or lips? Well, depends upon what part of that main. Definitely hips. I'm going to go with hips on this one. So the dude gives up the address to Brad Terps like slum compound and it's like this guy knows security. Like,

hey, Sam Elliott, why don't you start taking notes at this abandoned department complex? Let's see here. The drug money goes to the you know, you got beautiful eyes solely. I don't want to lose this thread

because when she's doing this, you know, she tells Sam Elliott that she's got a date and to like back off. But he's still following her. And like before she goes to this restaurant to meet this guy, she sees this dress in the window. Oh, man. This is so dumb.

Right? And she's like, how much is it the waitress? The woman in the store. The clothes waitress. The clothes waitress comes up to take her order, her clothes order, and she's like, I'll start with this dress. And how much is it? And she says five. She holds up five. And we'll be like 500. And she's like, no, 5,000. And you're like, okay, for some reason this movie is telling me that this dress costs $5,000. And apparently you wanted to just tack three minutes onto your fucking runtime for no reason. We're already in an hour and 46 minutes. Thanks a lot. So, so Mike Marcheck. By the way, after he, she shoots out his tire to stop him from following her. Oh, that's right.

But Mike Marchick always finds a way, you know. He just starts walking like T-1000. Yeah, he won't give up. And he's wearing sunglasses at night during this whole part. What the hell is that about? What the hell is that about? It's being the coolest goddamn person I've ever seen in a movie. It's because of his angel eyes.

And I must, I agree. We really do need to stress just like how much this main is working for him. Oh, it's so good. I'm picturing it right now No honestly Look folks at home Go to our Facebook page And look at this

Pictures of this man You have to look at it It's the most gorgeous Head of Hair I've ever seen He survives this This man tucks in all the t-shirts He survives He t-shirt and he's still

Sexually Attractive Oh my God he pulls it off so good It's so unbelievable Unbelievable The man's just so goddamn handsome So he buys that dress And it's just like I'm going to give that

to my Italian lady a little later. I just have $5,000 lying around. By the way, what was that, like, with inflation, what is that, like $68,000? That's right. For this piece of shit?

Well, we don't know much about late 80s fashion. I guess that's true. Maybe it is, but I don't know, but the point is he buys this for a person that he's not in any way related to. They're not dating, they're nothing he's kind of just following her through this whole movie yeah being like hey uh whoopi you know i'm head of security you need any assistance in your legitimate police investigation

or hey rizoli uh would it be weird if i asked to hold your hand just for uh five minutes it's a standard head of security procedure um i i might stare in your eyes as well but uh god i just would of to hold your hand. Mr. Crowe said I should get a feel for you. I take everything Mr. Crowell says very literally. This is your lifeline. Yesterday. It's very long.

Yesterday told me to piss up a tree. What did I do? I dropped my drawers and I pissed in the air. I dropped my drawers and said, How far up do you need me to go, Mr. Croll? Call that the limbo shot. So she like undercovers her way in there

under the pretense of like she's looking to score of some coke and she goes in there some dude like this is the slum city now this slum area this looks like fucking children of men this looks like the apocalypse is happening it's like the later black market town like the later death wishes yeah yeah

like the atomic zone they live in in a fucking movie dude it's the you're totally right it's the exact same thing I think that's death wish too two or three or like or like Robocop two or three It's an old dystopian nightmare.

It's so you're just like, what's going on? And it's kind of like children of the corn. There's like little children like kind of running parts of it. There's men casually walking with machine guns, smoking a cigarette, like going through the market. Like it's no big deal. It's so crazy. It's like a whole town. And she waltzes right in like, I'm looking to score some fatal beauty please.

And they're like, oh, right this way up to our customer service floor. Oh man. You know what they did? they made Amsterdam. Dude, it's totally Hamsterdam. That's exactly what it is. Hamsterdam from the wire.

And it's working. It's working fine. They're all there. It's working. Brad Durf is just doing nice and fine. Dude, do you think the character of Bunny Colvin was a fan of the film Fatal Beauty? He probably had to watch it

just to get prepared. That's where he got the idea for Hamsterdam, possibly. I think so. He's sitting at home like, man, the streets of Baltimore are horrible. You know what's great? It's because I haven't seen the wire. I'm just thinking about hamsters getting high now. So anyways, she goes in.

Some dude, like a child is like, I know that woman to be an undercover police officer. So he goes and gets like the big guns, Brad Durif and the glass eating guy. Yeah. And they like go down to like take her out or whatever. She like corners this guy who's working as like the drug rings accountant. Yeah. Like he's doing all the books. Counting the money.

You know? And it's like, where's all these drugs coming from, this, that, the other thing. Like, trying to get him to admit, like, that Kroll's involved. And then there's just this intense shootout. And Sam Elliott, like, rolls in. And they're just, like, blasting people left and right. And this scene, like, the accountant gets murdered. A lot of people get murdered.

Like, Brad Duref is doing most of the murdering. Frankenstein's kind of getting in the action. Like, the end of the shootout is like, all right, like, they got away. let's get out of here or whatever and the ceiling falls on Whoopi Goldberg's face and it's it's intense man because you see this stunt double for Whoopi right she just like looks up and you can see this prop ceiling fall on this woman's face first of two humongous things that fall on her that she survives you're totally right wait are we are we counting Mike Marcheck Mike Marcheck's mustache right on them lips she pulled him snugly atop her

so she's like briefly in the hospital and it's like well we've been two minutes without some insane shootout better have another one Brad Durif rolls up like he calls the uh like police department pretending to be a priest or something and finds out what like what hospitals she was taken to great police work yeah so he rolls up with like a fake gift box and there's a gun inside it like He's a 1920s gangster. Or like the Joker. Yeah, it's a Joker movie. It's a big time Joker movie.

Like he's trying to break into this hospital to murder Don Corleone, you know, late at night. And so he starts firing at Sam Elliott. He gets, you think he gets shot and it's so hilarious. Or no, this is Ruben Blades. Ruben Blades is also the hospital. And he recognizes Brad Durf on the elevator door. Yeah, it's Rubin Blades. Because Sam Elliott's with rolling, I think, still.

And it's so hilarious because Durf gets. like he cracks the gun or whatever and i think he gets a shot off and rubin blades falls down and you're like oh shit the other partner got shot and sam elliott comes up like hey you okay buddy and he's like yeah i just twisted my ankle like what are you doing how about a little professionalism stand on your own two feet dummy it just makes it like imagine if that was like really it though like he's he's actually trying to shoot bradurf and he just twists his ankle real hard and he's like I mean, you know, there's a couple

of times where this movie totally takes a nose dive into like no pace whatsoever. Plateau land. So yeah, why not have a whole scene where he's like grabbing his ankle or something? It would add some much needed realism, you know? Yeah. Just a pinch. That's all I need. Just a little pinch.

Now is this around time where James Ogross's entire like circle of friends dies? That's exactly what it is because they go back to Whoopi's house and James LaGroes is sleeping on the couch. Oh, yes. And Sam Elliott's like, look out.

I'm going to shoot this punk kid right in the head. And she's like, no, no, no. This is a child that I know. Is this your boyfriend? Yeah, totally. Is this before or after they sleep with each other, by the way? I think before. It's before.

Okay, so I'm, I spoiled a little bit. Yeah, well, speaking of which, should we say what happened? What was cut from the film? No, well, we'll say it when we get to it. We're not there yet. All right. So, stay tuned for a cutting. So, he's,

like oh whoopee goldberg i didn't know what else to do you're finally home i was at this party and i had a bunch of that cocaine with me and everybody wanted to do the coke but i wanted to go swimming first so i went swimming while everyone else did this coke and when i came back they were like this and like he takes them to the house and it's just a room full like 10 dead kids like they died mid party like all at the same time like it's like the called open of an x files episode like you open this door and there's just kids like holding glasses with like beers in it or something just all dead and frozen

it's also like a really bad fucking after school special like they only wanted to party and you can tell it drives at home because like Sam Elliott looks like he's like wait white people are starting to die from this oh no

Rzoli us white people like Italians like us are starting to die for Oh, bloody Italian suckers. But she gets really pissed at him around this time, too, because he works for Mr. Drugsar. Right, and he refuses to believe that Harris Eulen could be wrapped up in this. Right.

Which, again, if you are the head of security, you know the score, or you should if you're a good head of security. She starts yelling at him how he let it slide. He let things slide. Also, if you're working for some guy, and the guy wants you all to see his dick when he goes out, out and fuck it does his morning laps you might start thinking there's something off about this guy he has a little bit of an ego at you maybe but that's you know not going to immediately take you to

be in a drug dealer but i would start looking around because that shit's weird actually yeah no it would for me rule number one what an odd leap to make so it brings us to the most hilarious scene in this movie it's so good because she's like okay James LaGroess where did you get this Coke from and he's like oh you know my mom so she's like all right well I'm gonna go talk to your mom about all this be right back and she goes and this woman is like just finishing up a game of doubles tennis she's having this big party you know she's a big L.A. so and so and Whoopie just walks in and she's like listen I've got some bad news about your son and this woman is very cold you know just like oh five about him I gave him his chances right off the bat um actually the caterers come out through back oh yeah oh she totally thinks whoopies working for the catering company yeah and the freaking badge is right there she's got a don johnson jacket on oh yeah got a huge badge hanging off it she knows exactly who this is oh were you in badges and bones in college too okay

well the catering truck is around back and whoopies like hey listen stop for a second like your son's in serious trouble like he said that he gave he got this coke from you these kids are dead like you know and she's just like well whatever yeah she totally doesn't give a shit and whoopie's getting pissed and she's like all i need to do is find out where you got it from i'm trying to chase the chain of command you know of this coke and everything it's killing people and she's like i don't know what you're talking about blah blah blah and this woman punches whoopi Goldberg in the face like out of nowhere

and you're just like holy shit like you just punched a police detective lady like this is gonna end badly for you and then it gets even better because whoopi punches her in the face and then like kicks her in the crotch or something they start this fight they go for it

yeah and then Mike Marcheck's hanging back on two ladies fighting Mike can get used to this hey Mike Marchack's gonna give him a minute or two I think that's what's going to happen. Let kitties play. It's what it says right here. I'm my bicep.

And whoopee punches this woman through a plate glass window. Oh, yeah. And it's so awesome because it's like this snooty garden party. And you just see like this totally like shaded window. And this woman explodes out of it. And you're like, holy fuck, she's dead. But then she just gets right back up like they live. And again, exactly like Beverly Hills cop.

Yeah. It's like. We're going for the carbon copy here. So they're having this fight. And then Sam Elliott comes over like, what are you doing? This is looking bad for business. If Mike Marchak was a legitimate police officer,

he wouldn't be acting like this. And she's like, okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. And while Sam Elliott is holding Whoopi back, this woman gets another sucker punch in.

Yeah, it's like he's helping her. It's like, I'll hold her down for you. And then Whoopie like gets the final blow and knocks this woman. into the pool. Like, it's totally humiliated. And the piranhas get her? God, that would be great. Like, oh, no, it looks like you punched her into the

piranha tank. No, no, no, Ving Rames. Don't go in there. And so he, like, they just leave. And this is like, they go back to her apartment or whatever. And he's like, why are you so pissed off about it? Like, something set you off. Like, now you're not throwing out fun one-liners. You're, like, beating the shit out of people. And then, the movie completely stops dead and she gives this whole story about how she used to be addicted

to drugs. While she was addicted to drugs, she got pregnant she had this child, this that and the other thing. How the hell did you become a cop in this after this? Well this you know these people make the best cops man like you have street connections you know what's going on. You know what I've heard

that there's a thin line between cop and criminal. It's true. It's something they've made most movies about it. You know that genre, a cop movie? Yeah. Like that like sub-action genre? Like every one of those movies is about that.

That thin line that you're talking about? I'm just saying I've noticed. Excuse me, movies. I've noticed. Just little redundancies here. Eric Siska, the last movie detective you would ever call. Oh, man. How far is Eric movie fallen?

Well, he doesn't like working with cliche. Well, but this man, this is just priming him for his combat. Yeah. The big case that brings him back. It's like the wrestler. Yeah, exactly. But with cops. And you don't, you know.

That's my movie pitch. So then also somewhere in the sob story, there's something about like she went out to get, like score some drugs or something. and her kid died. But she came back and I think the kid might have like storted the drugs or done the drugs. Oh, yes. That's exactly what it is I think is she leaves

drugs out to like go get other drugs or something and her kid does drugs and like kills himself. So like that's like you're sitting there like where are all those one liners that I was having such a good time with? Where's Brad Duriff being a psychopath?

Sam Elliott's main is even looking a little flat in the scene. Like just the air is getting sucked out of this movie And you're like Hey Beverly Hills Cop didn't have this scene And you know what? Sick Boy was never the same again It just something left him man

It's just so out of nowhere I could have used like a flashback or something With a dead baby crawling on the ceiling Yeah, of course Of course A little underworld score Just for everybody To keep the thing moving

And then maybe something maybe transition into something light like Forest Gump. Which, by the way, I don't want to over over harp on this, but they also, the entire score is exactly like the Beverly Hillscott. Like they use certain pieces of it. Isn't it this? It's the same composer, I think. Is it?

I think it might be. Because it sounds almost identical. Oh, we should get the internet ticker back up on that one. I'm almost positive because like towards the end, specifically there's two pieces that are like, I'm not getting you two notes different from songs in the Verlil's cop score. you're like how that what a crazy turn this movie just took like it's so depressing i sure hope there aren't any more left turns and then they're like you know what would be good right now

a sex scene and like they just start making out and you're like what and it just cuts to the next day yeah same composer yeah nice what's the fellow's name harold flattermeyer there you go That explains it. So, Eric, this is where you were saying that there was an actual love scene cut out of the movie. Apparently, yeah, they say it's a love scene on the internet, but you know what that means? That means a sex scene. Which you have to believe this is like some shit-ass racist, like nobody wants to see that. Yeah, that's probably where the idea was to cut it out or maybe test audiences were like, oh, I can't believe this.

Here's my question, though. It says love scene, or to say sex scene. It says love scene, but you know, you know that means shirtless Sam Elliott, and we've been deprived of it now. Well, sure. And don't get me wrong. I'm just as incensed as you. I need to see them nips. Don't get him wrong, everybody.

I got to see them nips. But when somebody says love scene, I almost immediately think that the thing has to look like the sex scenes in the room. Like super soft lighting like love scene. I mean soft-core pornography? Yes, the borderline soft-core pornography. Well, that's the same thing. Like, Atonement, that's kind of the same as the room in terms of love scenes. It's true.

A love scene from the Duchess. You know, it's just like the room, right? Yes. Those movies are on the same level. Similar, yes. At least seen, certain scenes. When's that guy going to wash up on the bed of a river somewhere, huh? Five years.

Oh, yeah, you're getting the Tommy Wizo death clock out? oh man he would be a good I think he'd be a good bet in the death pool right yeah I think it's not a bad one he would be the wild card dude because that's like at any time but yeah that's that's the thing

is that you could pull that out of your pocket anytime like until you know it obviously happens well then you'd feel terrible but honestly you'd be like I know yeah I mean it was makes sense to me

I mean you know what I mean I mean balloons they take a while to hit the ground but eventually he gave us one classic film though he sure did He only directed one film Just like the great Charles Lawton

Just directed one great film Tommy Weizzo in the same category as Charles Lawton The Knight of the Room Is he gonna be he's gonna be doing something else now right He's got some like piece of shit web series or something That they like premiered part of or some nonsense The day that that premieres Williamsburg Their like bandwidth is gonna be nothing

Dude they played a sneak preview of it downtown Like six months ago and of course it was sold out Packed house. Packed. Packed. Packed, giving this guy money. Packed. Oh, okay. Yeah. Give that guy money. Meanwhile, oh, wait, there's moths in my pocket. Yeah, that's our life. Eric Siska, an impoverished cartoon character. I am. He goes to take the bus and he opens his wallet and the cartoon moth flies out. He's named the maw. Charlie the moth. That's happened.

who lives in my wallet. Charlie got out. So they wake up the next morning and she's in the shower and Mike Marchak has taken off, I believe. Yes. And he sneaks back in with food or something. Anyway, this is where she gets a phone call that Fatal Beauty has now taken the lives of grade school children. Yeah. And here's another five-minute scene.

First of all, grade school children, if you're listening, don't start doing blow. Yeah, don't do. I mean, I don't even know, like, she says it's an 8 year old, like a 10 year old and a 12 year old, I think. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. She gets this information before the sex scene because this is what... Oh, that's what puts her in the mood. No, this is what launches her into that, the big story about her past. Oh, right. Because it reminds her of her child who also died. And the whole thing takes forever. It's like 15 minutes. But yeah, she... There's three kids. It's 8, 10, and 12, I think. And they,

They're all dead. If I was an eight-year-old and they were like, here's drugs. I don't know if I'd know what to do with it. I mean, you know, you don't know what kids know. Oh, with nowadays with the internet? Nowadays, but this is 1987. Oh, yeah. In 1987 days?

Well, it's a lot harder to figure out. I mean, I don't know. Maybe they ate it. They don't mean, I don't exactly say to defend this movie. They didn't say that they rolled up a $50 bill and snorted it off a mirror. They just say that somehow the kids got into the drugs and killed them. We're not talking about an 8-year-old in like a white-collared shirt. Cutting up lines on a mirror.

It just has a mirror in his pocket. Look, Chris, I know how much you want this, but it is not an 8-year-old or a 10-year-old. Reenacting the motoring scenes from boogie nights dancing around with a dude snapping things. They should totally do this where like these babies are coked out and stuff. It would be like Baby Genius's sequel, like after like. We, you know, we're in the slump period now. So then it's just like, we have to get these guys. And there's a, the final stakeout, which, like, there's a parade going on.

I don't, I don't know. There's so much bullshit going on. The movie starts to drag some serious ass. Yeah. Well, it's ever since she got the news that those kids got killed. It's just been going downhill. It's hitting the brakes. Backstories, sob stories, useless sex scenes, the whole thing.

So now she's just like. following all of these guys around like she knows who the dealers are and blah blah blah so she's like following all these people and whatever man it just leads out to a big shootout in a sporting good store or something well that's my problem with this movie in general is that

this whole sequence is the last sequence of the movie and it goes on for like 20 minutes this whole whole thing from her following Marcheck to this place and then doing the whole thing and a lot of that is this entire movie this entire

movie are like huge scenes going on forever in the same area. I think there's like five scenes in this movie. And it's really monotonous. And like it gets boring real quick. And that's why this when even when it's a big shootout, it's not that good. I'm sorry that the action shootout at the end of this picture didn't live up to your standards. Mike Marchak usually tries to do better as a head of security, head of shootout security. Unless there's a fine young woman. in my eye line. Then I might not be as good as you

you want. He is kind of useless in this movie. He's completely used. He's just like I'm the head of secure. I check the clipboard. Are you on the list? It's kind of awesome because he's almost literally eye candy. Oh yeah. It's great. It's kind of really cool. And it fucking pays off because my eyes

were getting fucking a sugar high. Yeah. Looking at this hunk. Oh no. It's a pixie stick. Oh, yeah. This mane of hair is just out of control. I just, I had no idea that back in 1987, because I haven't seen this movie before we were going to do this episode.

Right. And be still my heart. Oh, I couldn't believe it. I might almost give you another heart attack here. There's a movie where he has almost this exact same look called Lifeguard, where he plays a lifeguard. Is this a stay tuned situation?

It might very well be. It's a bit of a love story. Oh, yeah. So it's so prepare yourselves. That's pretty great. But the main is in full effect. Oh, the main's nice. And he's a lifeguard, so you know, it gets wet.

All shirtless. Nothing but shirtless scenes. He's got the mustache, right? Oh, yeah. Yes, it's all the mustache. I don't appreciate, like, nowadays Sam Elliott, where he is indeed moustacheless. I don't like it. You know, on Parks and Rack.

Yeah. That character is great. It's really fun. Oh, I love it. They brought him back in this final season for a little scene with Ron Swanson, and it's, like, amazing. But, oh, man, just without that mustache, it's like, what are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I feel like the image, you know,

God forbid the day that Sam Elliott goes. Yeah. The last image I'm going to have of him is Big Lobowski. Oh, yeah. Right, of course. But I feel like this mustacheless is just to make him look more haunting and scary for Justified. Yes.

Because he looks like a scarecrow that came to life. Wait a second. Wait a second. I'm sorry. I haven't started that final season yet. Sam Elliott's unjustified? Yeah, he's like the main. villain. Yeah. So

once you sit back. Let's wrap this up so I can get on justified. Oh my God, that's awesome. Good for him. All right. So this shootout's happening. Everybody gets blown away, right? Like you think Brad Durif's dead. He pops up and shoots Sam Elliott. Not fatally. He just goes down. And then it's like another Marchek down. We got a

Marcheck down. That's a head of securities down. Has anyone found Mr. Kroll. Oh, by the way, yeah, he pops back in. Harris Eulen pops back in at the start of this whole scene and is instantly murdered by Brad Duref. I don't even think he gets two words in. Like, Whoopi's like, all right, you're coming with me. I'm going to arrest you, Kroll.

And then Brad Derv's like, not so fast. Well, that's at the end. Harris Eulen does start the whole scene giving Marcheck some lip because he has been not doing his job at all. He hasn't. First of all, Mark, Chuck, you haven't showed up to work in weeks. Five days. Hey, Marchek, remind me why I'm paying you $375,000 a year to be my head of security.

He touches his mustache and he's like, lip service. You want a good yes man in your morning. You always said that my hair did it for you. So I figured that was worth a pretty penny. Me and my team put up with your nonsense skinny dipping. That's why I'm here. But, you know, if you want, you could just start to pay me in a Sioux City, Sasparilla. And, you know, a pair of Bahama Mama shorts, not that expensive.

It gets hot on the job. So Brad Durf, like, runs into this parking garage or whatever. And Whoopi goes after him and, like, puts two in his back or something. He falls down. He gets back up again and, you know, Whoopi shoots him again. And, like, he's just getting, like, oh, ah, but he keeps walking. and you're like, oh, shit. Like, he did the fatal beauty like that dude.

And then it's just like, no, bulletproof vest. But that's what doesn't make any sense is he's been doing this fucking fatal beauty. He has been doing it the whole movie. And, like, it's not like, yeah, he, and it doesn't affect him at all. Because what, what, he's got a good resistance built up. I mean, I guess, but, like, it's not even like he goes crazy. He's of sound mind the entire fucking time. Sound minds?

Well, as far as evil fucks go. Yeah, as sound of mind as Braddorff characters ever get it. But fake Kramer, the medical examiner, states, like, the second you take this, like you go insane and then you die. And it's not like if you're in Mensa,

it doesn't work on you or something like that. Like there's poison in it. Yeah. And it's killing people instantly. And he's starting to shit 24-7. It killed that whole after-school special. Maybe the Reaper is like, tied up or he's in league with the devil somehow.

I mean, I feel like Marchek is kind of sleeping on both jobs. Yeah. Because he's not really doing the Reaper's stuff at all. Reaper is racking up numbers in this movie. Yeah. And then like, he's not that whole party. He's killing left and right. He's really having a field day on it.

And then like, Reaper loves killing. On the other side of it, he's not, Harris Eulen could have been shot 75,000 times. And then he does get shot. And then finally he does get shot. It's shot because Marchek's not doing his job. And then Sam Elliott just sees what's going on. He's like, oh, I'm sorry, everybody. That one's on me.

Dead hair is Eulen over there is on me. And then he shoots himself in the gut and says, I've got to go to the hospital. Oh, you know what? I'm calling out sick for the rest of this movie. I got shot. Sorry. Still get a purple movie heart, though, right? It actually states in my contract with Mr. Eulen that if I'm shot on the job,

a million bucks. Mike Marchek Ultimate Insurance Scammer That would be great if he was totally bogus Called it the Marcheck ultimatum Oh my god That'd be a good novel The Marchack ultimatum

Yeah totally dude Someone write a shitties fine novel They programmed me to be the head of security Turns out they didn't do too good of a job programming me I'm okay I guess So then it's it's kind of awesome exchange at the end here because Durf rips his shirt

open to reveal the Bulletproof vest and he's like Kevlar bitch and then she pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head and she's just like Smith and Wesson bitch and you're like fuck yeah that's awesome

why doesn't she do that on the view that would be something yeah Whoopi won of course she always wins Yeah. Let's, let's not be silly. The woman's egotted already. She's great. I love who he's queen of it all. So then it's so, man, the end of this movie. Right. So like, of course Marcheck's not dead. He's going to be totally fine. Oh, no. Yeah. He'll live the romance another day. And it's crazy because she's just, he's like, oh, I don't know. It's going to take me long to recover. I don't know if I'm going to be okay. And she looks down and like plants a big wet one on him.

And she's just like, you're going to be just fine. And, like, dumps him in the ambulance. And then she pulls off in her super cool pink Cadillac. End of movie. And of any potential Rosoli franchise options also. Instant credits. Yeah, totally. It's like the movie dragged so much ass to get there.

And then it just ended too fast on that. No. And, you know, honestly, how do you miss this opportunity? This final scene in the mall's stakeout, this is where he finally reveals. he's like, look, I'm undercover. I've been working this case for five years or whatever. My name's not even Mike Marchak. It's Mike Harchak.

Instead, he's like, look, I'm, uh, to be honest, I'm unemployed now. That man that you just murdered, murdered my boss. So I'm unemployed. I got like probably a month on the lease, at least. But, uh, I should also mention that Mike Marchack has approximately zero. savings. But Marcheck has quite more than zero

debt. I think Mike Marcheck's going to need to move in with you for a little while. And Rezoli, why don't you pick up some Coors banquet beers on your way home? Turns out Mike Marcheck loves gambling.

Turns out Mike Marcheck ain't no good at gambling. Mike Marcheck is not responsible. She just shoots him in the head and dries away. I can't deal with this. I'm sorry. Goodbye. Do you think if this movie had been

like way more successful than it was and it got like franchised? The third movie would have been Whoopi Goldberg running around a fake amusement park? I would hope so. Like that piece of shit third Beverly Hills cop movie? I thought I would think it'd be like George Lucas would show up. Well no I would think it'd be more like lethal up and four where she finds out that Marcheck's pregnant. Marchek the man is pregnant. It's like Junior then. Junior. Yeah, that's not Leithin'Levin'4.

That's Junior with Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I don't know. This movie, it's not exactly a sequel setup, but it's totally like a... You can do something with this. Well, it's because it's totally a... Remember this pink Cadillac, everybody. Yeah. Because the teaser trailer for the second movie is definitely just going to be close up on a pink Cadillac.

And then we like pan up a little bit and it's... We'll be putting the sunglasses down. But you can't do that because people are going to think it's a... sequel to Pink Cadillac. With the Clean Newswood movie? That's possible. Not a great one. Yeah. You would also have to change the title of your franchise unless the movie was actually

about, oh no, now someone else is selling Fatal Beauty? Like it wouldn't be able to be a complete. No. She's also a fatal beauty because she's a pretty lady that kills people. No one is fucking thinking about that for the title of this movie. internet idiot if you want to make a sequel just go with that well i mean you can also like get like just another like fatal like elegant shit or like chris cavans elegant shit you should have directed it or a pineapple express yeah it's like oh or they could call it oh how about this the movie is

called fatal snooty right and she has to go undercover at some country club with snooty no snooty Well, I'm saying, but for, okay. No, because presumably this movie would be made like a year or so later, so it would be 1989 and Snooky was fucking 10 years old. Oh, I thought we were going for a 2016 or relaunch. No, I'm not relaunching this movie of 2016. What he's talking about is putting these characters into another fantastical situation, such as like a caddyshack as soon.

By Bushwood! Yes, exactly. She has to go to a Bushwood type place undercover. Her and Mike Marchak play, like, a couple who's going to, like, get, you know, they're being considered for membership for this club, right? They have to kill Jackie Mason. Because he bought Bushwood. You?

Then they're going to turn it into a mini golf course. Yeah. And then Marcheck's like, going to be putting on the, he's like, I could get used to this, Rizzoly. This has got some primo. I just putted my ball right into that funny looking dog. a giant dog statue you know what dogs tail wagged when i did

dude i would love to go mini golfing with sam elliott god that'd be incredible because you know what he's saying at least three times is you know this is a lot more fun than i thought it would be also you're going to probably hear at least one hole in one oh yeah you're goddamn right i am would anybody recommend Fatal Beauty? I would, see, the thing is, I was

watching this, and like the first 35, 40 minutes, I was like, hell yeah, I'm going to recommend Fatal Beauty. And then the last hour. Yeah. Thank you. I was like, oh, no, I'm not. It just, it drags

too much. I mean, the start is, you're off to the races. Right. Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's like a seeing as believing, especially just for the profanity alone. Yeah. Yeah, the language in this movie, right? Yeah, but yeah, no.

It's a very mild recommend. It is to me, seeing as believing, because Whoopi Goldberg did a lot of, like, really stupid movies in this time. Juppet Jack Flash, which is really stupid. That's a bad one. That's a bad one. Bergler is really stupid. She went right into the 90s with making stupid movies, though, because Eddie's a really stupid movie. Eddie and the associate, the associate, Theodore Rex.

is incredibly stupid. Ghost is a great movie and I'm kind of like okay with the first sister act. That second one totally sucks. Um, yeah, I mean, but you're saying like for a Whoopi Goldberg movie, this is a, this is a better than average Whoopi Goldberg movie. I like this. I certainly like this better than Burglar. Um, there you go, everyone. Bergler, you've all seen burglar. It's really bad. Um, no, I mean, it's, it is to me more of a seeing as believing. I think you see it once you've seen it and then you're done with it. It's not like a repeat it's not so bad that you can repeatedly watch

it and get a lot more fun out of it. I think you watch it once and you get what you get out of it. I don't think it's a movie that you could like sit around with a bunch of friends and make fun of in a group or anything but what I will say about this movie two things. One just looking at pictures alone of that mane of hair does nothing for it.

You need to see scenes of this in motion. It has to react to its environment. Yeah, this may really important. It's breathing. This main in a gun fight is fantastic. It's a great partner to have in a gun fight. It's dodging bullets. Like it's Keanu Reeves. Well, there was one scene that we didn't get to talk about whether they are in the slum house. And Brad Durf's about to shoot his head off from the back. And you can tell the Maine tells him that Brad Durf is behind him. And he hits it right at the right moment it moves. You're totally right. I would also say that this is to me a good, because it was the first time. I watched this movie was this way. Like a nice rainy Sunday you're kind of hung over in the afternoon movie.

That would be. It's totally fine because it's long enough that you're like this will soak up a lot of the day. But it's also like aside from you know, the grinding halt that it takes when she starts talking about her past life and whatever. Yeah.

Like everything else before that like I think it's totally fine. It does be foreworn crawl to a halt. But no, perfect Sunday. hangover movie, I'd say. That's Fatal Beauty from 1987 directed by Tom Holland. If you want more information about the show, check out our

website, WHMpodcast.com. Be sure to check out all the other great shows on the sideshow network. Website, sideshow network. Dot TV. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at

gmail.com. Rate and review the show in iTunes or Stitcher, wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate you. the word about we hate movies. Clue for next week's episode, Eric Siska. Walter Koenig, also known as Chekhov.

Oh, Star Trek's Chekoff. Yeah, dude. All right. If Star Trek's Chekhov is in a movie, it's got to go off. Be sure to check us out of the Lily Pat on March 21st, 8BM

in Cambridge, Massachusetts. WHM Podcast. Dot, brownpaperdickets.com. Until next week with Walter Koenig. I'm Andrew Juppen. Eric Siska. Take it easy.