We Hate Movies - S5 Ep195: Moontrap

Episode Date: March 17, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang heads to the surface of the moon to tackle the low budget, sci-fi dud, Moontrap! How do you not cast Bruce Campbell as your hotshot hero? Why couldn't they do at least one scene with rear projection instead of small, toy models? And what the hell is that thing sitting on Chekov's head? PLUS: Coming this summer, Walter Koenig stars in, Tiny Die Hard! Moontrap stars Walter Koenig, the great Bruce Campbell and Leigh Lombardi; directed by Robert Dyke, written by Tex Ragsdale which is, without a doubt, the greatest name of all time. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Shadag. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you're new to the program, thank you for checking us out. This is a, it's a fine time to jump in because we're talking about an embarrassingly low-grade science fiction film.

It's from 1989. It's called Moontrap. It's directed by a guy named Bob Dyke. And let me tell you, this is like the most fun. I've had on like a scale of the shittiest thing I've ever seen like this movie's laughably terrible but I had a good time

watching it it's kind of like chopping mall in space a little bit right? Yeah it is very much chopping mall goes to the moon the long awaited sequel it is Walter Koenig checkoff from Star Trek and let me say this by the way this is our first time

on the air since this has happened but RIP Leonard Nimoy yeah not to bring the room down too much but uh what a fucking tragedy that was he was a great guy it's kind of the elephant in the room with when you're talking star trek at this point at least for the foreseeable future yeah totally so we just thought we'd acknowledge that now anyway checkoff's here he now he's sitting in kirk's chair he's the captain of this movie and he's loving it he's just rolling around in this uh and then playing second fiddle unfortunately is bruce campbell second fiddle the fucking

check off. God. But wow, you know, just seeing, I always like spotting young Bruce Campbell in the wild. Yeah, totally. You know the thing about a young Bruce Campbell that I realized,

looking at like burn notice era and, you know, Twitter enthusiast era, Bruce Campbell, young Bruce Campbell is not at full chin capacity yet. No. Right. It's like the early stages of that chin,

but that moneymaker was still a few years away. Well, he kind of looks like the killing joke, in this thing. You're absolutely right. If he was doing failed stand-up comedy, he could be the Joker. I mean, and this is kind of a weird thing where, like, clearly, like, Chekhov was the get for this movie. And, like, even some of the posters I looked at as, like, featuring Walter Koenig or Walter Canig of Star Trek. Like, literally, they were able to put Star Trek on the poster, and that was a big sell for the Moontrap audience. And let's be clear, gang, the

sell is Star Trek. The sell is not gaining, okay? Chekhov's not selling a ticket. They would have put Chekhov on the poster if they could have, but they had to put his real name. Starring Chekhov? Of Star Trek. And then, you know, Bruce Campbell's like the comic

relief. You know, like he's the cheap comic relief. Like, someone saw Evil Dead 2 and was like, he's probably bought him. Exactly. He wasn't doing horror conventions yet or anything. Like, you know what I mean? He didn't I mean, maybe he was, but, like, he didn't make that wave of, like, now I'm the B-movie actor that everybody loves, and you know what I mean? Like, I'm owning it. Like, he was just a working actor at this point.

He was just a dude making movies. And so this is a movie that he made. I wonder, because Bruce Campbell's a kind of guy, like, he'll, you know, rip on himself a lot and whatnot. I wonder if you were like, hey, Bruce, do you remember Moontrap? What he would have to say about it? I'm going to resurrect a segment here. Whoa. off the box

for those I don't even know super fan tell me the last time we did this it must be hundreds of episodes ask your parents

who are fans your parents who grew up listening to we hate movies because I know nowadays it's not your mama's

we hate movies yeah no that's true we've changed so much but I actually bought the DVD I didn't get

a digital file or buy it off iTunes like usual I had to go out and buy physical media for this one

Steve Sanex a guy who likes a disc in hand. Moontrap Anniversary Edition, by the way. So I will say that... Anniversary of what? It's failed box office performance. There are no less than three major lies in this writing.

Now, for folks at home who don't remember off the box, it's literally what it sounds like. We got the VHS or DVD box and read things off of it. Literally off the box. So here we go. Moontrap. A 1980s cult movie phenocamp. MonTrap stars Bruce Campbell and Walter Caning. Star Trek's original checkoff, by the way, because this is a post-J. Abrams DVD.

You've got to put original check off because the kids are going to think it's what's... Anton Yelkin. Yeah. That came way too easy for you. As astronauts sent to the moon to investigate the evidence of what appears to be signs of human life. They reanimate the body of a woman. Lee Lombardi, who warns them that the moon is under control of a race

of alien cyborgs, which have been awaiting their opportunity to stage their invasion of Earth. The humans That's another huge lie. It's a huge lie because the woman says like two words. The humans realize that the desperate measures must be taken to halt the cyborgs departure from the moon

even if it ends in their own destruction. Here comes another huge lie. This movie's great. Recognized today as one of the most influential indie horror films of its decade. Moontrap is presented for the first time in its intended theatrical aspect ratio

and original monoral soundtrack. Well, thank God we got the monoral soundtrack on there, you guys. It was remastered in HD by Olive Films in 2014 specifically for this release, and man does it look like shit. Still to this day. I mean, Olive Films does some decent work, like they've put out some stuff.

Moontrap is not one of those things. This movie, there's no amount of digital restoring you can do to not make this look like a huge piece of shit. But that therein lies its charm. And that, yes, at the same time, I'm conflicted about this because it's the exact reason for me having such a good time with this movie is because it's so hilariously shitty. It's really bad. We're talking puppets on a shitty

moon set going around on a little dozer machine. A bout of toys used in this. It's hilarious. It's insane. I think there's Nerf guns at some point. But also, speaking of that, I read a little behind the scenes action that the moon sets

and the moon dust was all just concrete dust. You know, concrete dust. There's like warnings like do not bring any liquids on set, because it's just going to turn to rock. Also, that's exactly what you want to be breathing into your 70% water body.

Just breathe in those concrete fumes, everybody. So we start with... Is that where the chin came from? What? He's breathing so much concrete. Who? Bruce Campbell? That the chin formed? Oh, that could be. Because it's

cut out of stone. I mean, yeah, maybe we have Moontrap to thank for Bruce Campbell's awesome chin. I don't Who do we have to thank for Walter Cating's awesome toupee out of curiosity? The prop department from Star Trek that let him borrow that Tribal that's on his head. And that's a Steve Sadek joke that he texted me last night. Credit where credits do. Thank you very much.

I didn't want it to fall through the cracks. But it does look like a fucking Tribble on his head. It's a dead cat on that man's head. It's disgusting. So we start with, I guess, basically that Apollo 18 movie, kind of. Because, yeah, you're right. we have we've got the actual footage of the moon landing Neil and Buzz and the other guy that nobody remembers

and they're all you know up there we get the one small step for man one giant leap for mankind and then up comes this little robot head and it's just like who is landing on our planet well that looks shitty and then it just goes back under the moon sand and then I guess they go back to Earth

and everything's fine until until we get to this part of time Which, yeah, we don't know when this takes place. I think, I honestly think, it's just 1989. I feel like there is a throwaway line somewhere in there about, you know, we haven't been up to the moon in 20 years or something. Okay. So I think it's supposed to be, because like the technology that they're using space shuttle-wise is nothing,

it's what we still have now. It's shuttles and rovers and all of those things. No laser guns or anything. No, they literally bring machines. machine guns to the moon, which we'll get to later in the film. I like to call that Chekhov's gun. Chekhov's moon machine guns.

Absolutely. Yeah, so then we just flash forward to, let's just agree that it's 1989. Sure. Bruce Campbell and Chekhov are in this space shuttle. And it's a whole lot of like,

Chekhov's just like talking to shuttle command. This is while the credits are going on. over black it's just him being like hey how's it going over there euston and like forever and what i realized is uh i don't think i've seen walter canning in anything except star track yeah because when i saw this movie i was like oh yeah he's canadian he's not a russian actor i've only seen him play checkoff maybe there's something that i'm like missing but this was the first time i heard this you know just not russian accent and was thrown for like like 10 minutes.

You know, up from down after that? I was really thrown for a loop, man. I don't know. I saw it and I was just like, oh yeah, of course he never played anyone but check on. And of course that accent was totally made up. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it was a bad Russian accent, but when you only hear someone talking about how terrible the accent is, you're like, oh, all right, that's what that is. So, yeah, he's just like, oh, yeah, I'm missing things like steaks. And then like this, this sad. I see, like, NASA control dude is just like,

oh, make you a reservation at Peter Lugar's for when you get back. And I'm just like, I don't need this fucking space banter. And he calls himself a truck driver, too, which I don't understand. Like, what is he, what are they even doing in space? That's the thing that's not really addressed. And that was the, like, I don't know, it's a thing where they're like picking up space garbage, I feel. Really? I think so, because they're like, okay, they're like, here's the next thing that you have to get.

it's coming at you. It's all the crap Superman keeps hocking at the sun. They're like, well, now we've got to go get it. Dude, that's what they've been doing since Quest for Peace is picking up all those goddamn nuclear weapons. And elevators and whatever else. The corpse of a nuclear man is up there. That skateboard from Suburban Commando.

It just goes on and on. But maybe it's like derelict satellites or something. I think that's what the idea is supposed to be. And then they're like, okay, your last one for your missions coming up. And then it's like, oh, wait a second, this thing's the size of a football field. Let's go in for a closer look. And they treat this like it's an everyday activity. Like, let's fly as close to this, essentially a UFO.

Yeah. That was the other thing was I was like in this, in this movie world, have we made contact with extraterrestrial life? Because the level of casual behavior that they put towards seeing an honest to God's spaceship that's like a hundred times larger than theirs is just like oh look at that well the thing is that Walter Canning's a bad actor and Bruce

Campbell just don't care and that's who you got in this movie yeah right because they do later on they allude to the idea that they have not made first content oh yeah you're yeah you're right it's like two scenes from now it's just weird man they're just like totally nonplussed

about alien invasions they're like oh look at that so they They fly closer to this thing. Chekhov's like, I'm going to go in for a closer look. I was like, the hell you are. Well, that's the best thing. And this happens a couple times in this movie where everyone's like, hey, maybe we'll give Bruce Campbell the ball and run with it.

Because they're like, hey, Bruce Campbell, you go out there and check it out. He's like, not in my movie. And he like whittles his tiny body into his face. Because this is his time to shine. We never saw Captain Chekhov in those movies. You know, he never came back on Next Generation. fucking Scotty was like a like

you've been around forever kind of captain promotion it's like a lifetime Oscar like Scotty got that Spock became an ambassador Kirk was an admiral and then retired died a captain I guess

Sulu's a captain Nobody knows what happened to Uhura necessarily That's a plow going by outside If anyone at home can hear that Maybe Kaini became Maybe Chekhov became like head of HR at some point.

Welcome to Starfleet. Yeah, totally. You have to just sign these papers before I can let you out into the training facility. Oh, oh, oh, hang on, you forgot your W-9. Oh, you know, you didn't do your sexual harassment training seminar this time.

You have to do it every 18 months. It's not Chekhov's fault. Got to keep them up with the new regulations. We can discover the new race that has three genders. You have to know how to not manipulate all three. Here's a good tip.

No matter what the alien race is, no matter what gender possibilities are out there, slapping anything on the ass is a bad idea. Learn from Chekhov. That's why he's here. Slapping alien ass. Some Chekhov sexual harassment scandal gets a bump down to administrative level

at Starfleet. Sure. Captain. She was giving me the signal Every time you bet all these women And I just wanted to slip one on the behind I don't know what to tell you Do I know you?

That's what fucking Kirk would do Dude the old do I know you You're finished Oh man Firing someone is Captain Gerson That's how you would do it So we go up to this spaceship and he's like he's basically doing a spacewalk to this thing and he sees like this little

egg looking thing inside and his first instinct is well i'm just going to take this yep i have no idea what the spaceship is he's like it looks like a football yeah i think it is a football the prop department kind of just cut a football in half it looks like a deflated football yeah it really does hey hey patriots the patriots fans out there there's uh there's like markings on the side of this spaceship and he's like I think I see writing on here and Bruce Campbell's like, oh, anything familiar and that's again why I was like

if you haven't made fucking first contact, and he has had the opportunity to learn a gleep-glop language why would you ask him if it's anything familiar? Of course not. It's a spaceship. You haven't made first contact.

Oh, this movie is so fun and frustrating. The thing is like you spot that thing. You tell ground control They're not going to let you just go into it Oh yeah, exactly Well that's a lot of this thing is like America is not ready to make first contact

At all and has no idea to get it out To get its fucking dumb out of its own ass Yeah exactly To be able to make sensitive anything They're like, oh yeah, just check it out We'll say this this This should have been retired Space astronaut in there

For a half a second I thought you were going to say Should have been retarded And I'm not saying that's a good thing to say I'm just saying, oh, my God, what's happening? I admit, I was also like, Steve, where you going with this? No. By the way, his name is Jason in this movie.

It's like Jason Grant. Grant. And everyone's usually in these movies, it's last names only. It's like, Grant, Williamson. What do you want to? It's like, hey Jason. Hey, Jason. Hi, Jason the astronaut.

All right. Now that we're getting into their names. Are you going to talk about the name of the screenwriter? No, but that's a good thing to bring up as well. Yeah. What was it, Tex Ragsdale? Tex Ragsdale. So awesome.

That is a crazy-ass name. But, but, but, okay, here's some Baxter in these characters. Jason Grant was a Vietnam fighter pilot. Uh-huh. And, oh, that's right. This is why I'm like, when does this take place? Because Ray, who's Bruce Campbell, was a, um, a fighter pilot as well. But he was, he was, he mentions Libya, Libya and Lebanon.

Yeah. I'm like, shit. This was he. Black ops. man yeah yeah maybe um so they is a bonding exercise on this ship they they give they tell each other their their call signs oh fighter pilots right like maverick and goose you know you know cool names like maverick and goose okay so uh checkoff was einstein because he was the brains of the operation could always figure out how to get out to the scrapes oh yeah you know what he's the best they got

just like a certain captain james diberius kirk and what was bruce campbell's uh name penetrator. Yep. And we have some, some sex jokes. And then he's like, no, because I always got in and got the mission done and got out. And I was like, no, take the, take the sex nickname. Yeah. Come on. Come on. You're, you're already an astronaut. That's, I mean, that's just a license to print sex. Right. Most definitely. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally. Like, hey, I've been in space. Let's get to it. But you're like, I've been in space. And my nickname at the Academy was the penetrator. I mean, come on. Now, nicknames should not be penetrator. You shouldn't be saying, let's get to anything. You should be like, hey, co-worker, good job.

I will not touch you in this exchange. Talk to you later. Especially bottom slapping. I cannot stress that enough. Bottom slapping will destroy your career here at Starfleet. And you never know these aliens. They have a different party part there. You touch a lady elbow

That might be bottom in their culture You might touch bottom when you touch elbow Good rule of thumb Just do not ever touch anyone ever Remember the five year mission They tell you about Dude that's great right Chekhov's at a bar and he's like

You know I used to serve on the Enterprise I'm Chekhov And they're just like You're a fucking liar Shut up There was no checkoff on the Enterprise Who is this clown? No, no, second season.

I mean, second year of the mission. They, what happened was they came back to refuel. They pick up checkoff and then the adventure continues. And then adventure continues. So he finds a space skeleton and he's like, yeah, might as well bring this too. Yeah, collect this also. It's like a mummified corpse. The way they introduce it to, they're totally stealing the head gag from jaws.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because it kind of just pops up, but because this movie's terrible and it's hilarious, he's like, oh, this football and he's, like, looking at it. And then, like, in slow motion, this mummified corpse just floats in, like, how's it going? And you're just like, man, this is shitty. And the thing about this movie is there's absolutely no transitions at all. So we're in space and, like, we're in the middle of this mission. Maybe we're going to see how they land or, like, he goes back up. We're instantly back at NASA.

You're just, instantly. Not only are we back at NASA instantly, there's already been this huge study done on the body. That's right. It's like weeks later, apparently. Like, this movie isn't that long. We could have had some extra scenes in here. Sure. Like, oh, hey, managing getting the body into the spaceship, that's got to be difficult.

Yeah, you don't get any of that. You don't see how he leaves the spaceship. Nope, nothing. It's just like cut next thing. I mean, you can find stock footage of a space shuttle landing on an airstrip. You can. You certainly can. Oh, also, two things about the beginning of this movie

before we get going into the rest of it here. But one, the opening music is definitely just ripping up the Star Wars theme song, just ripping it right off. And then also, this is where he totally does Space the Final Frontier. Space the final, fuck you, check off. How about that? This is the only time I'll be able to do it. He's in this training video.

Oh, actually, I just remembered. He is reprising his role as Chekhov in the beginning of generations. Is he a captain, Ben? They must have. They're touring the Enterprise B. Are these the tour guides? It's our rep and the tour guide. Come this way, Cameron from Ferris Bueller.

Yeah, as Captain John Harriman. I'll see myself out. Oh, by the way, he also reprises the role of Chekhov, I believe, in some series of fan films on the internet. Yes, you're totally right. Ouch. It's like Star Trek Frontiers or some nonsense. Now I am the captain because there's no money for anybody. Your Chekhov got a little Dracula there.

That's pretty good. Yes. So now we're trying to convince this pinheaded government dude. I cannot believe. Astronauts went up to space. came down with an artifact. Found a spaceship, by the way. Why we're not going up to find that again?

Where did it go? An artifact, endo dead alien body. Yeah, we don't know the origin of it. And this guy's like, ah, you're full of shit. Yeah, totally. He's like, oh, this is one of them stories that you NASA guys say to check up the budget. Yeah, because NASA's notorious for, like, sucking money out of the government for all the fancy programs they've been able to. the due over the years. Right. And in the 80s,

they actually had some money. Yeah. I mean, now they don't. No, now it's just, we've got to privatize space exploration. Because everybody's got fucking health care. That's why. Oh, God, Obama's America, 2016. I mean, we should have saw it coming. So, yeah, this pencil neck,

he's, like, doing his best William Atherton impression. It's just like, oh, you know, blah. It's so ignorant and so stupid. Like, that's the thing is, this dialogue, Atherton could have pulled off. Yeah, that's true. Like, he could have made it work. Or, you know what? Or a Paul Gleason? Yeah. That's nice. Same movie, same diehardt. You know what? This means the money. The finger thing means the money. You're absolutely right. This movie was way out of, or William

Atherton, rather, was way out of this movie's price range. Definitely. But the thing, the interesting thing about this, I mean, it's a Bill Simmons thing is like, you, instead of, for trades, like, you know, you don't want to trade a dollar for four quarters. You know what mean like you don't want to a superstar means that much it would mean that much in this movie but it really with with walter caning and bruce bruce uh campbell you're like what 48 cents each kind of like you're still not making a full dollar but like bruce campbell i can see yeah sure walter caning why why he's too old and he's just useless and i mean this cat is like garfield orange on his head. Nobody is buying it. No one. No. And the makeup that they got on his face, he looks like

fucking Mortisha Adams. Yep. It's ridiculous. It's so bad. So they're like, okay, let's go get lunch or whatever. And they leave this thing. They're like, let's discuss this outside. Everybody go now. Let's lock the room with the alien in it. And of course, the egg opens up. Weird surprise, a robot pops out. A chopping mall pops out. I mean, it is just like a little chopping mall. robot too they kind of have the same head you know like that classic robot triangular head they kind of look like mousers from the ninja turtle

game oh yeah you're right they got these little like claw arms yeah yeah and like they kind of serve as tentacles a little bit so they're like a little like squid like yeah they're whipping things around it hacks the computer system and learns a bunch of information

so they've done like this study they do a study on the body and they're like oh it's a human it's a humanoid life form it's 17,000 years old it's been floating up there he was in like he was in a space suit also so they're like

all right like this was some ancient astronaut yes they say ancient astronaut totally this is great this is a real chariots of the sky thing there's a lot this movie has a lot of connections with a lot of things we'll get to it we'll get to it so what they've done

is they've like cataloged this study on this computer so when the alien breaks out The first thing he does is it goes And breaks this window So he's like He can get his little tentacles into the lab And he busts up the computer basically And he turns himself

I mean we went into a super shredder Using parts of this dead alien astronaut Right For some reason And parts of the computer And makes himself into like a thing He's like a robot zombie Borg but it doesn't mean anything

It is just robot It is just the funniest shittiest robot I've ever seen in a movie like Johnny 5 or J5 rather from Blank Man better robot

and that robot fucking fell down the stairs but it's a robot with a little skull teeth for no real why does this robot need teeth it's so funny and like I guess the idea with this alien race

is like it's robotic in nature but it can use whatever it can find to adapt yeah so like mechanical stuff or you know human organic tissue and things like that the movie virus with Jamie Lee Curtis

yes that might be stay tuned yeah it's a possible stay tuned and so it starts it kills this one this one woman really quickly really cheesely like claws her head for no reason it's one of three women in this entire movie and she's the only one that doesn't take her top off FYE

wait the woman who's piloting the space shuttle that comes to save them gets naked in this movie? Oh, no, then there's four, because there's definitely a stripper later. Oh, I forgot about the stripper. How could I forget? By the way, did you say FYE? Yeah, I did. Is that where you bought this DVD? Steve, where is the access to your time

machine to go back to an FYE? There's one in my mall, actually. Oh, in Jersey City, there's an FYE. Shit, the mall time forgot. FYI, there's an FYE in Jersey City. And my girlfriend tried to buy, like, I think like a mug there once and some guy was trying to sell her all sorts

of memberships to anything. What is a membership at FYE get you? I don't know. It's just like, yeah, but it's like, it's not just FYE. It's into all different stores. It's coconuts, strawberries. Tower Records is in there. You could use this membership card wherever you want.

Holy shit. You like reading? You can get into a boarders with this card. Good like finding one. That's the joke. Oh, right. It's all stores that don't exist. Doctors without borders. Because they don't have borders anymore

see it's it's funny because it doesn't make sense so speaking of not making sense this thing turns into a hilarious as Steve said super shredder esk robot and then there's so look the team is basically there's some scientists some old guy scientist

this old guy scientist is the absolute best character and you know and this pencil neck who's like all about the budget they're fine they're in this elevator for a really long time talking about things yeah I don't know how underground this basis and they're just like yeah you know and they kind of sell him on the idea

like hey let us go back to the moon we'll figure it all out there's got to be more stuff up there because they blackmail him because they're like oh we wouldn't want to have to go to whatever house committee yeah and petition to blah blah blah and he's like you'd really

go around the president's back like that like the dialogue and it's all about like get this to the president the president's got to do this and you're just like there's no president in this movie. I'm not going to see a president anytime soon. I think it would be George H.W.

Yeah, Herb Walker, dude. He was in office. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough. I lived at home until I was about 25. And for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that.

Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time, and the last piece, which didn't come until my early 30s, was therapy. And man, I wish it came along sooner. Ever since I started sitting down as a licensed therapist, I've had a place to voice my insecurities and try to fashion plans to help me achieve my goals. So that's why I'm thrilled were sponsored by BetterHelp. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online, and it's designed to be flexible, convenient, and. suited to meet your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and the good thing is you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

Let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash WHM today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelphelp.com slash WHM. And they get to the basement, and of course, it's the last. last stage in a video game that nobody was playing and it's just this big robot thing and like the scientist guys like all right all right let me try and reason with it

finally someone's got some sense this is also where the first contact thing comes up you're right he's like we're gonna talk to an alien species for the first time and you're gonna bring out guns and what's amazing is this guy's had some lines earlier in the film he appears to be like a genteel old man yes right

and they break out their guns and he's like, no, not guns. No, it's Grandpa NASA. Old man, NASA's going to talk to him. So this guy comes out and he's just like, we're here in peace. You know, we want to learn from you and get your story. And there's a lot of bad robot vision in this movie.

And you're seeing it again here. And I'm like, this dude's getting fucking killed, right? Well, sure enough, this robot like shoots some force lightning and it hits this guy in the arm. And all of a sudden this old man turns on a death. And all of a sudden, he's Jack Palin's, he's like, Kill that fucker! Get that son of a bitch.

That son of a bitch robot. Which is just like, you know what, dude? If you're a scientist, you've got to be a little bit, even though it hit me, we got to figure this out. Exactly, dude. Do you think Dr. What's her face abandoned the guerrillas the first time a gorilla pushed her? I'm sure it wasn't an easy road. The scientist just gives up.

So they're shooting at this thing. And what does Chekhov do? goes full fucking diehide climbs through the air ducts with a shotgun I think if you turn it up really loud right at that part

you hear Walter Kena go I saw this on TV last week and then he gets up there well it's the same thing where it's like Bruce Campbell strapping young Bruce Campbell's got a gun and Chekhov's got a gun and like of course because this movie

and he's making more money he's like it's my turn to go in the events captain no it's Bruce Campbell he's the penetrator. You're Einstein. Did you forget your own call signs? You were just talking about it in space. And earlier on they talk about this egg being impenetrable. Like, oh, we couldn't destroy, we couldn't do whatever, blah, blah, blah.

They say that. And then like, they're shooting at this thing for hours as Keenig's old man crawling his tiny body through the deveds. Dude, it is, it's almost as if this scene unfolds in real time as he is trying to. to crawl his old ass through these vents because they keep just cutting back to the same footage of this shootout over and over and no one is even hitting this robot

and we're talking shotguns we're talking military grade equipment this is now like an eight foot tall robot too yeah it's it's great it's taken up the whole hallway yeah so whatever Kainik gets up there he gets right above this thing and shoots it in the head one shot it's done because he's

He is John McLean a little bit, right? He's a little John McLean in this movie. He's definitely a little John McClain. Tiny diehard. Walter Koenig is Tiny DiHard. I'm in the vent. Here I come. It's Tiny Diehard.

Is this check-off on the holodeck? Run sequence. Tiny diehard. I'm in the vents. Oh, no, it's the sink. I'm so tiny diehard. So now the whole thing is like, they turn to the pinhead and they're like,

now will you let us go to the moon? Smash cut to Walter Cating's apartment for like 41 minutes as he's talking to his son whilst wearing a whale t-shirt. Yes, it's got like three whales on it with the moon in the backdrop. It's amazing. It's a great t-shirt. And you get to see his arms, which my God, You've got a teed wolf too.

Dude, I was thinking the same thing. It is a real werewolf bat mitzvah going on on those forearms. He's got some killer white jeans on. Well, this is what I love. So we cut to his house, right? Walter Koenig is in his living room doing push-ups. Yes. Okay?

Wearing acid-washed jeans. Yes, yes. Which everybody loves working out in acid-washed jeans. I didn't get a good look, but I'm telling you, it's like 85% search. and there's an elastic waistband on those acid wash jeans too. And he's doing the push-ups where he's holding onto the weight thing, so he's really

serious about push-ups. And the sun comes over and he's like, I'm not going to do push-ups with dad. All the while and it's not just this part. It's the entire time we're in his house. I did not stop laughing. He's somewhere in the house, there's classical music playing.

And the mix in this movie is so terrible that this piano is overwhelming. well it's so loud and it's like sonorous and like whatever and it's so repetitive i felt like i was playing a role playing game and like you're stuck in like the library and you're trying to exactly you're trying to figure your way out of it when you couldn't solve the puzzle in resident evil and you just got stuck in the library and it's just playing that music or you're just like you know you you go up to the fucking you go up to the same librarian character every time and like

you've you've gone there enough where he stopped talking to you and like he's just starts saying see you at the festival or whatever you know what I mean like oh I can't get that hint again exactly because it's always you talk to somebody you get the whole his whole backstory yeah and then at the end he says see you at the festival and every time you come back he goes see you at the festival I already told you I'll see you at the festival it's like fuck you man I don't want to go to your stupid festival how about that then we have to start the movie over again just to get back to that point it's kind of like you're talking to somebody that is literally, like, I'm done.

I told you, I'd see you at the festival. Yeah. The conversation is over. It's so awesome. I always used to love frustrating, like, these nothing video game characters or pretending that they were getting frustrated with me. So his son, like, can't do as many push us as him. Because, again, Walter Caning is the action star of this movie.

He's out push-uping his 15-year-old son. And so then he's like, oh, hey, dad, the phone's for you. There's some talk about, like, his ex-wife, like the kid's mother and the new boyfriend are both getting into bodybuilding. And you're just like, uh-huh. And like, it's just so bad because Walter Canning's like, oh, well, good for your mother. Like he's trying, I don't know what this voice is he's doing. It does sound, I guess it's just because it was always his voice, like natural. I feel like it's dipping into check off when it's really not.

But he's like, oh, that's good for that. Isn't that great? And then he's like, Dad, the phone's for you. And it's Bruce Campbell drunk in the middle of the day at a strip club. And he's like,

you got to get down here, man. And he threatens, like, telling everybody about the aliens. And he's like, okay, well, I got to go. He's like, well, I got my son here. He's like, why do you come over here? He's like, no. Well, he says something about,

he's like, don't go talking about that too loudly. Like, Bruce Campbell is apparently at the strip club mouthing off about ancient aliens. like you're a drunk at a strip club like you got nothing to worry about yeah of course you're going to be talking about ancient aliens you and the next guy too and also this is in an alternate 1989 where the CIA doesn't exist apparently like these guys would be under lock and key oh totally you're not going home and doing acid wash jeans push-ups they would be on

premises at NASA in prison or in a casket those are the three options they would strap them to like the afterburner of a rocket and then like wait for the next launch and just execute them that way. Crispy critters, dude, it's a NASA funeral. Yeah, and then you know what? It was a mistake. But we're

happy to pay for the life insurance to the family. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. A crazy mix-up happened on the launch pad today. All anything left wear is acid wash jeans. The only thing is that survive the rocket burn. Dust in the wind, right?

so he goes to this strip club whatever and then we we get our first pair of breasts because you know what when you might want to sell this to cinemax you just want to throw that in there of course of course and it makes total sense and it what's great too is how we we cut to the strip club and it's front and setter like the whole screen is just full of tit well because you don't know where he is it's just like all right they'll come get you and then it's just like cut to breasts and i was like all right it's fine but you know I didn't think this was like a strip club movie well I just I feel like you know what you were gonna

have that meeting with the Cinemax guy he's just gonna like well what are we talking about breastwise in your film it's like well we've got we've got them we really do yeah don't worry the quote is filled good are you sure yes yes we're sure at least

four right yes we managed to somehow make our moon adventure have two nude women in it They're soft lighting. There better be soft lighting. Come here and re-light this. That's my cigar I was asking to relight.

I'm sorry I was, yeah, holding it a little low then. Martin Cinemax. The third. Martin Cinemax, the third. Network executive, tighten to all. Show me where the breast should. are in your film. You know that Shindler's list has some breasts.

I guess we could buy that film. Yeah, I guess so. He was a little too preachy for me. But it's so long as this breast shit that I could watch. You know, I don't normally like playing message movies. But it was a message movie

with some nice breasts. I was picturing them recutting Shindler's list to be more erotic. To get it into Cinemax. All of a sudden, it's a fully colored frame of a woman dancing in the strip club.

It's the same clip from Mootrap, actually. They just cut it in. No one will ever know the difference. Martin Cinemax the third. So what happens, you think it's going to be a thing where he's just like,

he's just like, oh man, we didn't get approved, the fundings cut, whatever. Of course, that's why you're drinking. Yeah, sure. No. they've been accepted to go to the moon and he's just getting shit-faced at a strip club with the Navigator or whoever this third guy that

they bring in this zero of a screen presence they bring in. Oh man this dude, it's ridiculous and it's like Bruce Campbell's buddy because they're talking about like the team who are we going to get to go to the moon and Walter Canig's like well obviously it's me and obviously it's Bruce Campbell

and then we got some other buddy of his he swears he's good at the stick you can fly the thing. What's the name like Greg or Tom or God knows what. It's something boring like that. And where are they going on the moon? Where's the precise location that they're pinpointing? The Prometheus crater.

Oh. Ancient aliens. Prometheus. There's connections. Yeah, you're totally right. You're totally right. Ridley Scott ripped this movie off to high heaven. I think you did.

And I mean, like, again, you would think like maybe we're going to learn how we're going to prep this mission. What are we going to, we're going to go to the mission control? No, we're on the moon. We're literally just next-seed strip club. It's the only time in history of smash cut from the strip club to the mood. It's unbelievable. I mean, this movie made cinema history. It's the only time that that's happened.

Even in Apollo 13, they go from the backyard barbecue to the launch sequence. Exactly. How do you have an astronaut movie without one single solitary launch sequence in it? And that's also stock footage. I think there is one later when they send up the second one. Yeah. with two D-level characters that have nothing to do with anything. They barely talk.

It's amazing. It's like if you were putting Ron Howe, or if you were putting Tom Hanks, Kevin Bacon, and who's the third guy up there, Bill Paxton? Yeah. They're going to the moon, but you don't see that happen. They're just in space. And then they send up another thing, and it's two extras that get the launch sequence. It's so dumb.

So we're just, whatever, we're on the moon, whatever, we're on the moon. We're on the moon, and they're just doodling around. And it's like, it's like the set of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood when the cars were going by and stuff. It's just this little toy dune buggy with two little toy astronauts on it. And it's shot from far enough away that you see this entire shitty little tabletop model. Oh, man, I love it. And it's just like them doing this voiceover of band. enter and you don't see them until this thing comes to a stop because we're not driving this

thing around a soundstage or even putting it in front of a rear projector or something where like you can look at it I mean that would look bad but I mean but I mean Jesus Christ Hitchcock could do it what the fuck like why am I looking at toys it's so terrible it becomes like they use it so much it becomes like a running gag in the movie to the point where you're like are are you playing this for comedy? No. What did that box say? The most influential horror science fiction film of the decade?

Yeah, of the 1980s, man. Forget about it. You know about that, right? Did the person writing the back of that box never see the second alien film? I think the first one? Well, the first one was 79, I believe. I think they were writing the aliens box cover

and the moon trap on the same day. Oh, yeah, it was a rough day at the box writing office. James Cameron's silly follow-up to Ridley Scott's masterpiece really botches it with low-grade special effects and terrible acting. Oh, wait. I mean checkoff.

Who thought of that one? It's wretched. Sigourney Weaver and Walter Cating give terrible performances. And for some reason, Zagorni Weaver looks a lot like Bruce Campbell. oh mercy so we're just kind of doodling around the moon for a little bit and the you know they have their own little land space or whatever that i don't know what the hell you call that thing the little cruiser that they go around with no not just the rover the whatever that thing is when you land and the mooner or a module yeah module a lunar module is the word i was looking for yeah right and then so they have the third guy

Blank-Face McGee is in the orbiter going around the moon, yes. Yeah. So that's where all our astronauts are. And they go to the Prometheus crater and they see a gigantic alien face. Big time. And Chekhov's like, you know, the door opens or whatever. He's like, I think we're being invited in. Oh, that's very Dracula.

Well, it's, you know, perfect talking about inviting people in place. But it's also a big spooky castle. It looks like something, speaking of really. he's got designed by H.R. Geiger. It's an H.R. Geiger ripoff drawing. Well, you know, an example of the banter here, you know, Chekhov says, I, you know, I think we're being invited in. And Bruce Campbell's, yeah, but who's throwing the party? Oh, that's fun. Because he's like, he's like a kind of a cool dude astronaut. Yeah, he's like George Clooney in gravity, like just running his hot shot mouth the whole time.

That doesn't stop him from dying. Doesn't stop either of them, actually. Wow, spoiler alerts left and right. Oh, gravity, you should have saw it. Yeah, if you didn't see it in the theater, you know. Gravity, you should have saw it. That's it. So they see this huge city.

I mean, it looks like something the Inca's built. Like, it's nuts. And the funny thing is, when you're, as you're trying to get your handle on this movie, it never lets you because the editing is so bad. When you see this cast, you're like, okay, so I guess we're just going to go through it. The rest of the movie is, We're going to be inside this base, encountering all sorts of alien demons. We're doing stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Right. Castlevania is about to start. But also, why did we never see this before? Like, when we've been to the moon a few times. You just missed this huge temple? What I love about this whole sequence is they, they pull up to a hill. And he's like, oh, no, the incline on this hill's too steep and the rover can't get.

My toy will work. Exactly. He's like, so what are we going to do? And, you know, Chekhov's like, we'll get out and walk, Pilgrim, because he's so fucking cool in this movie. They climbed to the top of the hill. They see the structure, right? It's the Empire Stabling. It's that big.

And they're like, all right, let's go check it out. Cut to them driving up to this thing in the rover. And I was like, you just said it got stuck in the mud. What is it? How do you fuck that up? Give me a scene of Bruce Campbell changing a tire on the moon. I would love it. Also, did you guys get a look at the patches they're wearing on this moon mission?

No, what do they say? Alien Hunters? No, this is another creepy connection, worthy of unsealed alien files. Oh, Argo 1. Argo Prometheus. Those movies came out around the same time. Where do you guys stand with Prometheus, by the way? Because I know it's a very contentious film opinion. Here's the thing is a lot of people hate it.

And I was kind of fine with it. I kind of enjoyed it. I didn't mind it. But I'm not like a gigantic alien franchise guy. Right. Right. I'm an enormous alien franchise guy. And I really liked it. I really liked it too. And I'll tell you, here's the thing.

When you hear from somebody, okay, when they go, uh, oh yeah, you mean the alien movie without aliens in it? No one said anything about it being an aliens movie. Like, it takes place in the world of the alien story. Like, you just conflated that shit yourself while you were waiting online to get popcorn. Like, that's the way I see that opinion about that movie. Right. I think if you're not waiting for a xenomorph to show up, you're like, oh, okay, like, this is a good movie. And I, when the xenomorph shows up at the end of the movie, I was like, oh, that's kind of a bummer.

They should have just not shown it, like, at all. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I think that movie's totally good. So we go into this chamber after they ride, I don't know, I guess, around the mountain. Whatever. Big, big mistake moon trap. I kind of wanted it to be like in Super Mario world when you get up to the cat,

when Mario dismounts Yoshi and then looks up at the castle and then walks on in. Because, I mean, it is like these huge castle doors and everything, right? And the first thing they do is they turn right in this enormous labyrinth. Yep. And they find a person. Like immediately. Like they walk in. And this was another thing that started bothering.

me about Chekhov's character in this movie. Because when we're introduced to this guy, he is just a hot shot astronaut. That's all he is is an astronaut, right? He's like a pilot who later piloted a space shuttle. And he's kind of like a loser too because he's never like, you know, he's like

tired of it because he's wasted his whole career. He says he's a truck driver, right? But then all of a sudden we get into this chamber that they go into and he's a fucking alienologist. He's just like, oh yes, this must to be a chamber where they hold ceremonies

of all kinds. Yes, yes. I can see it clearly now. Judging by the architectural structure of the, and I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Like, where is this shit coming from? Speaking of which by now, I think they're holding space usis. Oh, yeah, well, they got to take the guns in, and this is where he's

Chekhov's just like, guns on the moon. I don't think we're the first pal. who says that Bruce Campbell Oh is that his retort Yeah because he thinks You know like You know people

You know the aliens have guns in the moon Who knows what else has guns on the moon And the thing about The problem about smash cutting From a strip club to the moon One of is you miss Like any kind of planning scene Where if you

If we ran into hostile aliens And we were like Oh shit what are we going to do How are we? We know that they're plotting stuff on the moon I think we'd send more than Walter Canig and fucking Bruce Gamble. We'd send a couple

of scientists. We'd send an actual, like maybe a whole fleet of people. No way in hell would Chekhov get near this mission. No, no. Too old. And the checks and balances about doing another lunar mission? Holy shit. No way in hell.

You are totally right, dude. The Chekhovs and balances for trying to justify a lunar turnaround like this. It's not happening. This shit takes years of preparation. They just go back up there like you're hailing a cab. Well, later, like we said, when the extras show up later, they're like, well, I guess

we said more up, fire off another one. Another spaceship goes up. The country's bankrupt. Also, you know what you can't do? Secretly launch a rocket into space. Yeah. From the NASA landing. People see that in Florida and Houston.

It's a tourist attraction. people there all the time someone would be like you just sent off like your second rocket in three days but then the men in black come by with their neuralizers oh you're totally right this is a shared comes up shared universe dude oh and i guess it would be tommy lee jones in 1989 he'd just come up and be like all right folks he just look right over here please thank you very much beer yeah yeah that's that's how it works neuralized consider it neuralized So they find a woman in a more ridiculous wig than Walter Cain is, which is really surprising. I mean, I was shocked.

I didn't think it could happen. But this woman, she's got the hair of David Bowie's labyrinth character. Yes. It's outrageous. And she's just sleeping in this little chamber. And he's like, oh, this alien has been in hyper sleep, I guess, because I'm just the guy that knows everything. It's kind of like my arch nemesis. Khan Nunian Singh

Remember him Remember how I discovered him In that second movie I mean all the good stuff happens afterwards But I was the one who found him I mean yeah you know I got the little worm Put in my earhole

It was gross Paul Winfield gets the assist But I get the points Dude Paul Winfield committing suicide In that movie Oh man That is total badass that's the way to do it so they unfreeze this woman like there's no discussion of like hey is this a good idea also no discussion hey is there air in this chamber dude there's nothing like i think they leave the big chamber door open when they walk through the front door and by the way how's this for an ominous sign and weird too because there's just nothing but human remains everywhere there is just a hilarious amount of skeletons bent over and

in all these funny positions. We take, like, five minutes focusing on, like, the most pricey skeleton they bought for this. I want that thing photographed from every angle. And you get it. Oh, that's a little skeleton behind as well. That'll help you get on shit about it. You got the bones, but where's the boner? I don't care if a skeleton can have tits.

You find a way to make it half-titch, goddammit. This is fucking Cinnamax we're running here. I want Jason Get fucking those Ardenots Man I would never want to work for Cinemag Oh it's a nightmare It's a living nightmare And the best

The other thing that they have When they take their helmets off for no reason Is playoff beards Like all of a sudden I don't know They decided to stop shaving or something Dude they're celebrating Movember I don't know what's happening

Where did these beards come from? It's lonely in space. So they wake this lady up. She doesn't speak English. I guess she's a part of the ancient astronauts that that one dude was floating around. I don't know how he got off the moon. Hey, Andrew, sure, whatever. And where are they from?

The moon, Mars? Hey, Eric, sure, whatever. Here's the thing, right? that's your entry point to a fascinating story, right? Like, a race of humanoid astronauts, like, then you start thinking all those theories about, like,

you know, Earth was just a barren planet, and then it was seated by aliens, like, all that stuff, you know? Again, going back to Prometheus. But, like, that's where the interesting shit is. Not these terrible, joky robots. It's fucking battlebots on the moon.

That's all it is. They're battlebot robots. Robots. robot jobs. By the way, this woman's name is Mira. Yeah. And, I don't know, I think Space Station Mir might have been making the news around the time. Totally right. Mere, it's the Russian word for world.

Rock and roll. Yeah, there you go. And so they're like, I guess we'll put everybody, put your spacesuits on. Let's get out of here for no reason. She has a 17,000-year-old spacesuit that's still just totally fine. It's just fine. Here's the thing. If she...

Why is it, if this temple is like, supposedly for this race of robot alien creatures, how is it that they've allowed this woman to sleep in this chamber? No, no, it's this was the alien, this is the alien racist spaceship. They, and or whatever, I think. Oh, this was the humanoid spaceship that crashed so it's not a temple. Yeah. It's a spaceship. It's a spaceship, sure, whatever.

But they, because later when she learns how to speak at the very end of the movie, she's like, When I was waiting there to tell everybody about this. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's the only point she went to hyperspace because she needed to tell somebody about something about these aliens, robot things. Whatever. So they go, they leave, they get back in their shitty car,

and everyone gets their own toy again. And apparently they got space jagged because their fucking looter module is gone. The alien totally carjacks them on the moon. It's amazing. Like, you see the alien, come up, like really slowly approaches the car, kind of just checks

to see if the door is unlocked, looks around, sees if anyone else is in the lunar parking lot. It's so fucking funny. He used the low jack to get in there? Or a slim gym, I apologize. Yeah, oh yeah, please. The slim gym. So they're like, oh, our rides

gone or something. But the robots left like little robo footprints, so let's go check it out, you know? So they're like driving and the little toys going along and then you can't make this up the toy car

runs out of batteries like it stops and Bruce Campbell's just like no more juice in the batteries guess we're walking like how great hitchhiking on the moon you know what guess what we're definitely dying

like I don't know how this is going to end but we're dead well yeah because their pal up up in space is just like dude you got to find your ride like it's like they lost their dad's car. Like, oh, man, you guys gonna be pissed at you. Dude, where's my car?

Dude wears my lunar module. But then, like, when he radios that, suddenly his orbiter gets hit by like a bolt of lightning. Yeah, space lightning,

or maybe it was the robots shooting at him, which I guess it was. It is, because the robots have force lightning powers. So, like, the one robot, like, it puts its tentacles like all over the lunar rover

and sort of like electrocutes it or whatever. And he becomes it sort of again. Yeah. Like do they co-adapt technology or whatever. So it like takes the thing over and walks away with itself or something. And then it gets, this dude gets shot out of the sky and crash lands on the moon and just blows up. Yeah, you see it like, it's like a shooting star from their point of view.

You know what? That was kind of beautiful. The last seconds of that man's life were totally awesome. Nobody gives the shit either. Again, like, we're marooned on the moon, and now our ride is totally gone. Yeah. You're done for. You totally need the Bill Paxton game over, man, flip out.

Exactly. Which nobody does. Bruce Campbell, like, kind of comes close, but it's just, like, more, I guess, being frustrated that you're starring in a movie with Chekhov. Playing second fiddle to check off. Yeah, you're playing second fiddle to check off, exactly. Yeah. So they, like, they find the, where they think the road. the module is or whatever

they go over uh oh alien attack yeah Bruce Campbell's like thrown across the moon basically of course crack shot checkoff kills this thing in two seconds right yeah and you know

the penetrator expires pretty quickly in this scene the penetrator will not expire on my watch penetrators live forever cinemax well mr mr martin cinemax

hold on to your hat because here it comes. But the thing is, the one thing I'll give this movie is silent space shooting, which I kind of like. Yes. At first,

at first, because this movie's so terrible, I was like, wow, you fucked that up. And then I was like, oh no, I realize what you're doing.

The only thing you can hear is them in their spacesuits screaming and yelling at each other. Which is cool. It's a very smart move on this movie's part. I'll give it that. They thought that part through.

And so then he goes, Chekow goes over to Bruce Campbell, whose face is covered with J. And look, he has his death scene He's like, I told you not to bring toast in there Now look what happened It's all over your beautiful chin That chin was going to be someone someday

Oh man, imagine having to What if you sneeze in space When you have your space helmet on And you go boogers running down your nose, man Has that ever happened? Oh, definitely And that's how it's so annoying And you're like touching your face

When you touched the glass? Dude, if you had an itch on your face or something? Yeah, you're fucked. Oh, man, I'd go crazy. That's how I would die in space. I would forget, and I would take my helmet off and die. I would be like Arnold. My fucking face blows up.

Oh, man. Does he have a fun death motto? Well, he does say, like, oh, you're the best checkup. If anyone can do this, it's you. Here it is, dude. It's a line that is uttered three times in this movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I want to throw up every time they say it is,

we don't take shit from no machines. great and he's like he's like now remember Chekhov we don't take no shit from no machines and like Canig doesn't say in any he doesn't say anything and he's like come on fucking say it I'm dying agree with me agree with my last

words and then he just dies goodbye dos for donia but that line originated with I think Bruce Campbell kicking a coffee machine that's right the vending machine with coffee

that's not working yeah I mean, I can see why his character would bring it back, but then Chekhov does it a couple times later on, which is like, Well, he then does the thing of like, You stupid idiot, how'd you die on the moon? Of course you'd take the easy way out. You leave me here with this hot babe. Wait a minute.

The last two people on the moon. You wait in a second. I've got a spacey glue in my pack. I will go and build a house for us to have SpaceX. He has a blow-up pup tent space igloo. What the fuck? This thing is glass windows, by the way. It looks terrible.

This is Borat on the moon. I mean, this thing looks like something you'd put in a swimming pool. It's just a big air-filled fluffy igloo thing. And I don't even understand. So he's like, oh, my God. You know what? We need to chill out, go into space house, take our helmets off, and see what happens. And cut to him doing this like,

oh, I'm such a big old loser space astronaut. Nobody likes me. I fucked up the mission of the moon. And I'm like, that's what I want my space hero to be. Is this big pathetic piece of shit with a wig on? And this woman's just like, well, it's been 15,000 years. I really wish the good looking guy made it. And now, I mean, apparently from my limited English skills,

I'm guessing we're stranded. We might as well. Dude, yeah, it's a real now or never again. And this lady's like, you know what? The hell with it. I mean, Mir is like, you know what? You're a disgusting alien. Yeah, technically you're an alien to me.

I hope your penis is in the right place. Yeah, how does it? The fact that they have sex is crazy. No way did I need this sex scene. No thank you to this sex scene. Uh, different opinions when we hear movies. What? Were you ready to go?

No, I was... I liked when Chekhov was ready to go. I mean, it's so funny, because, like, he starts kissing her, and I was like, oh, she might not like that Chekhov. I don't know if this is the time for this. But then this woman just takes her shirt off, and I was like, it's go time on the moon. Okay. Oh, good a second pair. You'll definitely make it on Cinemax tonight.

Well, boys, welcome to Cinemax. Welcome to Cinemax, Bob Dyke Ballin on the moon Now we're talking Hey, hey You want money for a sequel You just gave me a couple of ideas A couple of six inch ideas

No, that's terrible Eclipse Breasts Think about it so they have sex and then they get interrupted by and this you're waiting for this right bruce campbell to come back as a zombie robot yeah you think he's going to be like the last master in the game sure you got to get you got to like burn your dead immediately it's like game of thrones here you got to take that shit out but he's like he's got a big kind of a cool

creepy grin because you know that's what you're hiring bruce campbell for it's it's very reminiscent of like when ash has had it in that second evil dead movie and he's just going crazy it's that same like lunatic grin yeah which is it's kind of scary you're like all right it's like his face just attached to a robot head and he's looking to the porthole which this tent for some reason has sure why not and this sex tent and he he tears it open and then Chekhov just shoots him in the gun and he's dead it takes the resurrection of bruce campbell is nine seconds long long it's such a waste it is and you you know what you also want it's kind of cliched but you want the thing of like it talks in bruce campbell's voice like come on buddy Einstein wouldn't do

this to the penetrator come on exactly he's like you are not the penetrator and he shoots it or like get me some much needed exposition he's like our race has existed for centuries exactly it's such and who's a fudge it's kind of like when the alien uses brent spiner's to talk. Yeah, in Independence Day, for sure. Yes, exactly. Like, just something. Give me anything.

You know what's not that interesting? You shrouding these robo aliens in mystery. No. Because, listen, their robots, something else had to design them. Or, yeah, or maybe they're organic robots, which is also something. Yeah, I get, you know,

then they came from the same planet the fucking Autobots did. I don't know, whatever. What was that planet called? Cartobot. Something. Where are they? Cartopia. Is it anything worse than what it actually is?

No. Yeah, all right. So, and then smash cut, we're trapped on this alien ship. Like, what alien ship ever, what, what question mark? I guess that you're supposed to believe that it's the one from the beginning of the movie. There's also two, like, they turn into, like, G.I. Joe action figures for a second. Oh, that's what I forgot about this. Oh, right.

the pickup. Yeah, the giant robots pick them up and they're like, look at these little toys and then they take them back to the spaceship. It's like in fairy tales when a giant is like, you'll make a good toy for my kid. Yeah. Like that's what this alien's like, I'll play with you. Yeah, cut

to them chained to a wall like the Borg and Picard. Yeah. And he's just like, where on there a ship? Like just letting us know because again, there was no establishing shot or anything. And keep in mind everybody, this woman is a 17,000-year-old

ancient astronaut who doesn't speak English. So once Bruce Campbell's dead, it's just Keenig running his mouth. And he's talking to her, and she's not saying anything back. Yeah, she's like a mute character, and it's God damn. Oh, good. Extra points.

If women can talk, you'll definitely make it on Cinemax. I mean, I don't know how she got a job as an astronaut, but that's not for Cinemax to figure out. Extra dialogue. No points. Extra titch. Extra points. So speaking of the moon and everything, so Cynamax is run by the reptilian high command.

Yep. That's why you've got to get showtime. And then this, so this scientist alien robot or whatever comes in with buzzsaw hands. Dude, you know he's a scientist because he's got a robot clipboard with it. A little robot stethoscope around this. around his neck. I was shocked you didn't have

little robot glasses. Yeah, because he's the nerd robot? Yeah. The best part is so he like

cuts off a piece of this woman's uniform and then throws it in the space carpet. Like what? I was like, oh,

are they using part of her to make a clone or something? No, it's literally a space garbage can.

And it's just slowly cutting off her clothes. Well, then like he... Oh yeah, now we're talking. That robot's got

a good idea. Yeah, yeah, that robot can work for Cinemax. Yeah, yeah, nice and slow.

Let me ask you something. Does that robot have any other body parts of a human man? You know what I'm saying? Because right now you're in the 2 o'clock spot, but you can move up to the 11 p.m. money slot. Right after. The money slots. The Vimex definitely has a money slot and you know it.

No, and they definitely call it the money slot, too. He's got some line here also where he, like, is kind of putting A. puzzle together. And he's just like, oh no, I know what's going on here. We're spare parts. I'm like, shut up. And there's like shots of like little heads and whatever in this thing. Or something. There's body parts for the nerds robot to use later. Missed opportunity for some cool alien parts. You know, like a predator hand or something. Oh, yeah. Bring in some other universes. That's like Predator 2, right? Because Predator 2 is what's set up AVP.

That's right, man. That's where it all began. Oh, man. If they had Nuclear Man's head in one of those things, his big quifed blonde head. They got the elevator's mountain on a wall. It's broken, clearly. So nobody count. These dumb aliens didn't count on Walter Cating having very small hands.

Oh, man. He just slips right out. Thank God he's got doll. hands to just slink out of these handcuffs. There's some really, like, the only time this movie uses Gore effects is at this part because he like rips off

part of his wrist and he just see like a little like tearing flesh and I was like, ew, too late in the movie for that. Yeah, for sure. Where was that when the robot was tearing apart Bruce Campbell? Let me see that shit. That's another thing. Bruce, you know, all the deaths in this movie are just like they fall over and they cut to

being cumming robot zombies show me it happening I want to see that process and that's that doesn't have to be an expensive process either you can figure that out well the thing is if you did that then you wouldn't be one of the most

influential indie horror films of the 1980s I mean look we can second guess all we want but this happens to be one of the most influential indie horror movies the 1980s the back of the box said it dude there's nothing we can do about it now also an unfortunate moment in this scene they're strapped with like their hands up you know chain to the wall

canig's got some pit stains going on that you just can't unsee it's almost like the whole t-shirt is the sweat stain color of the t-shirt and you can tell that's authentic that's not like oh yeah his character's in distress let me just get you with the water bottle here real quick no this is authentic this is like it's 930 on a saturday we've been going at this movie all day yeah sure and now i'm just pitting out chained to this wall that's exactly what those pits say it'd be great if he

slips his doll hands out of this thing and then puts his heads on his ears like what get to me now con try getting your little worms in me now and I think around now is when we get like the cut back to NASA and they're launching another spacecraft they launched the New York City's the Intrepid up there

they know the orbiter is gone yeah and they're like let's throw these two other people into the meat grinder of space again only two more people like and again Here's the thing. If you had money for two launches, do them both at the same goddamn time. I need a whole team up there investigating first contact with aliens. With hostile aliens. Yep.

On the moon. Sorry. You're right. It's just ridiculous. Well, it's like, we don't want to waste the whole fleet. Like, two at a time. We'll see. Eventually, someone will be successful.

It's not a log flu. More than two people can go on it at once. Yeah. Give me anything. Give me a chappy-esque robot. Yes. Yeah, we need to develop our own sass-talking robot. How about that?

A good robot versus a bad robot for the third act? Sure. So we launch this thing up into space. The Intrepid goes up to maybe save the day. I mean, they don't know what happened. They have no idea. Like, it's insane. And they brought even, so three people go up first and let's bring two more.

We can only spare, we can't even spare three more. It's like the same day. It's like maybe it's the next day on Earth or the two days later, top. Total time. Listen, I don't know how much time they were spending in that pup tent igloo thing. They could have spent the night. I don't know. I haven't seen them eat at all.

No, yeah. There's no eating at all. Well, in that tent maybe something else. But let's move along. I don't want to summon the Cinnamax beast again. Don't wake him. Somebody say eating. So this spaceship's going up, whatever.

Walter Koenig and this woman are, they're trying to figure out how they're going to get out of here, but they kind of resolve that they're not going to. The one thing that he says earlier on is like, we have a special surprise for our alien friends, which we know exactly what that means, which means they brought up a nuclear warhead, obviously. Yeah, yep, that's that's what we're talking about.

And so they go into another huge chamber, and there is their lunar module. is now affixed to the spacecraft and this is one of the single worst lines of dialogue in this movie and I have it written down so I want to make sure

I get it right because of all the terrible lines that he delivers in this movie so it's almost as if Walter Canning's character is writing the tagline for the movie because he's talking about how like they took pieces from

you know the woman's spaceship, and he goes, and all they need is, the last piece was our spacecraft, and they waited 14,000 years to take it. And I'm like, again, you are not an alienologist. You have no idea the intentions of these creatures, what the motivation is, what their backstory is, nothing. You're just making shit up. If this woman could understand what you were saying, she'd be like, dude, you're kind of just full of it right now. How the fuck do you know any of what you're saying prove it to me they're flying towards earth at this point too right that's

the whole thing they determine that oh now this thing's like activated oh we're on a crash course for earth and heaven forbid if these really easily destroyed a robot make it to earth i mean literally pop shots kill these things instantly it's so insane you could kill him with a dillinger or a derringer rather like it's not like you know the aliens from independence day where it's like they have the crazy exoskeletons and they're, you know, they can't be killed with a gun. Here's a movie idea. You said, they better be

sexy. You said Dillinger could kill these things. Oh, right. Yeah. Instead of cowboys and aliens, how about John Dillinger, the gangster? Gangsters and aliens. Oh, like it, baby face versus an alien. Al Capone bot.

Because he gets assimilated out of it. Oh, and they have, they, J. Edgar Hoover, like, reluctantly sides with them and he's like well it's for the fate of the earth yeah right exactly oh i'd watch that movie gangsters and aliens we may be pitching something to the asylum right now and if so give us a we all hate movies at gmail dot com the asylum yeah because yeah yeah we've if we spot a gangsters

an alien trailer next year yep uh fuck you pay us yeah totally dude you're gonna be hearing from somebody related to us we'll figure it out yeah but just give us a call that's all we just want to talk about it i just want to taste it's a pretty good idea Just a lick of the brass ring. Kind of better than most of the shit you put out. So they're like, all right, we're going to launch off this warhead that's stuck to the module. This woman doesn't really have much of a choice. Well, she has no clue what's going.

Because he's jipping at her and she's like, sure, whatever. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. His fucking space mail order bride. That's exactly what this is. Yeah, we'll confirm that in a couple scenes from now. So he, like, sets this thing to blow. it's five minutes, which

why, he's assuming that they're going to sacrifice themselves. And he doesn't know about the other spaceship either. Correct. Yeah. Because how would he? But how would they know what happened? It's so... Wow, this movie's so dumb. So

then he like fires off a shotgun for some reason. Another alien attacks. Oh, well, bullets stop you. Oh, right. So then he realizes like when he fires off the gun, he'll get shot backwards. so like she grabs on to him and he keeps firing this shotgun

to like push themselves out of this cargo bay you know it's it's pretty much I'm saying it now this is the end of Independence Day kind of we're racing out of here before this thing goes off that's another connection you know every single movie is derived from Moontrap so he keeps just like letting Buckshot go

till they're you know safely out of the spacecraft safely out of a spacecraft that's about to explode from a nuclear weapon in space, Andrew? I don't know. I'm just not sure. I don't know the hard science behind it. I do. And they're dead. There's no way they're making this. Well, now let's see. Someone tweet at Neil deGrasse Tyson and see what he has to say about it. I would love for him to fact check this movie. Oh, dude. He's fact checked everything else. Dude, Neil deGrasse Tyson needs to back check moon trap. Let's get to him. Let's do it. Yeah, everyone. What's his Twitter handle? At Neil Tyson. Any I

all right let's let's everybody do this and ask him very nicely to watch moon trap the best independent sci-fi horror film of its decade and see see what kind of facts are adding up your science wise and now folks for him to respond to this honestly it can't be just a couple of you know die hard we hate movies fans which would be nice we need hundreds of people to do this totally we know you're listening just just yeah we know our own download numbers there's way more of you than we talk to on social media. By the way, I've got the DVD. I could mail it to him. Totally. He won't even have to spend a dime.

Olive Films would have made a great beautiful restoration of this shitty movie. Actually, the cover of it is like Walter Canning and his spacesuit. Oh, no, it's Bruce Campbell Andrew. Oh, is it Bruce? I can't see it's upside down on the other side of the table. But what I will say about it though is it looks like a total rip-off of HBO's Generation Kill

Cover. It looks exactly like it. So, they blast off out of there. The thing goes off. They somehow survive. Luckily, that shuttle. The intrepid doesn't blow up. But it's not like we would see any of that anyway, because after that explosion, smash cut to Walter Canning and this woman

in his house. I will say before the smash cut, the explosion happens, and there's nothing left to the spaceship at all. Like literally, zero, not even particles. It just goes. Again, Neil Tyson, you chime in here, but I'm pretty sure there would be at least space de Brits. Erased from existence. Yeah, sure.

So they cut to like an episode of dynasty because they're both in like fancy wear. And then there's some Arizona house. Like it's just a ranch home somewhere. Thankfully, the classical music levels have been, you know, taken down a little bit. Sure. But it's been like sometime later because this woman's speaking English kind of okay.

NASA and the U.S. government just lets you take this woman to be your own little sexual. toy at home. Are you kidding? It's an alien. She is good. Yeah, she's going to Area 51 or at the very least, right Air Force Base in Ohio. Ooh, future case file.

Oh, wrong show. Sorry. And then she's being isolated. They're cutting her up like a turkey. I'm sorry. They're figuring it out. You're right. Totally do jiblets in all. Poked, prodded. This is not your space bride. Why does he get to marry this

woman? It's like, oh, wait a second. You're her on the moon, sir. All right. She's his, everybody. They consummated on the moon. Hey, I called dibs. I called dibs. If Kurt could get one, I can get one, too.

Okay, that's another thing. If they let her go and to live on her own recognizance that she goes to live with him, she's not staying there, all right, guys. She's going to see that there's other humans on the planet and she's going to move on. She's going to realize our race isn't five foot four tall. and be like, oh, wait, yeah. Actually, how cool would this be, though, right? You have this thing.

They're dressed up in, like, fancy wear, and just talking about their life together. We get that exposition where she says, like, what her races space mission was, blah, blah, blah, right? And then it's like, you know, but we'll be together forever, something like that. And we kind of like dissolved out, and you think we're going to dissolve out of a house,

but it turns out it's just the interior of a house, but they are trapped in a NASA base, and they're never let out, but it's just like they're going to live their lives kind of like cool kind of twilight zone ending. I would like that, yeah. No, they're just living in the house from the golden girls.

The golden palace? No, that was the hotel that they opened. I apologize. Dude, I have a golden palace story. I was just thinking about this the other day. So we were on the, we were on the A train one. It was a number of years ago. We're on the A train.

Did I tell you the story once? You told me the story. I'm like, did you tell it on the air? Maybe not. I don't know if I did. But we're on the A train. train one time my wife and I are going uptown and I'm just

rambling on the train about Golden Palace and how like you know spin-offs never work it was a bad idea it was canceled almost immediately blah blah blah blah blah blah and keep in mind gang I'm a fan of the Golden Girl great sitcom right the train comes to a stop and the door

is open and this guy gets up in my face and he's like you have no idea what you were talking about that is a generational show that show was amazing. Those girls were great. The Golden Girls was fantastic and like runs out of the train.

And I was like, I was talking about the Spitter! Golden Palace! It was terrible! This dude totally thought I was shit talking to the Golden Girls. Who would ever do such a thing? Stupid. Ridiculous. Maybe Monsters from the Moon. No human would. So speaking of monsters from the moon, this poor woman's locked in his basement

like at Steven Seagal's house. And that's like the end of the movie. Maybe that's where the CIA agents are. They're circling Caning's house. They're like, all right, Kading, you can keep her. Yeah. You're being watched forever. Yeah, or something. And then you think it's the end

of the movie, and it should be the end of the movie. It should. You know what? Here's the thing. And I don't understand why we have to sometimes really telegraph sequels. Like, if this movie was a smash success with this Walter Cainig's space action movie was a smash success that it demanded

a sequel, you could totally do it. Another spaceship comes. like something you could just end this movie just regular smegular and then the next the next time you start this franchise up again it's a spaceship you want to know the perfect example independence day dude that movie does not set up a sequel whatsoever it's just the end of that movie now we're getting this new movie jeff goldblum's coming back sure and i think thor just got cast like that's cool yeah fine i'll have another independence day 20 plus years later that's great but nowhere at the end of that movie is it like the aliens still alive or whatever like this does some garbage dump in Detroit it's a junkyard yeah just a junkyard and a piece of the the ship which is again one of these little football things which is like the egg of these robots or whatever has crash landed you know from the explosion it somehow survived and it crash landed in this junkyard and you see it open up and it sticks its little head out like uh huh a credits speaking of rolling

that's the end of Godzilla as well yet another movie connection Right yeah Oh right there's the egg pops up Yeah you're totally right God damn it of everything So that's not the end of it You're like praying it's the end of this movie

With this more? Yo I hit the stop button on my DVD Steve Sadek You gotta start watching the credits man This is insane What? This movie has It's got the biggest balls

I've ever seen on a movie Because it has the audacity of the set up a sequel twice. No way. That's why I didn't even watch the credit. Because I was like, you know what? You did your terrible work and did it. You know how hidden this is?

This is like two to three minutes into the credits. Oh, okay. It's like 40 seconds of the credit. It's right at the end. You hear, and it's kind of funny if you imagine the setup for it, right? It's Walter Koenig is calling NASA. And he's just like, hello, it's me. Checkoff.

NASA? Good. any remains from that spaceship fall down yet and the guy's like no i keep telling you there's nothing and he's like oh all right are you sure okay all right well you'll hear from me again the guy's like i'm sure i will oh you will he keeps calling them because he's you know what steve he's just a suspicious little astronaut that's like so like not only are these alien robots coming back to terrorize Earth. They're going to...

Your Chekhov's going to be there for it. He'd have to be, right? Don't worry about it. Not only are they going to come back to terrorize Earth, he's going to keep coming back to terrorize the NASA phone board. And that woman he's living with. The balls on this movie. Well, there is a sequel, guys.

Yeah, let's talk about this because everybody's just been holding their breath. There is a sequel. It's announced, at least. Yeah, okay. Apparently, they tried it a couple of times. It didn't work. But now they've got something. The Wikipedia is telling me it exists or it will exist.

As of early 2014, the project was resurrected under a new name with a Facebook account called Moontrap Target Earth. Hey, you know what the first sign of a legitimate movie is when it pops up its own Facebook page? The cast includes somebody named Sarah Butler as Scout, the main character. Charles Shaughnessy is Richard Contral. Charles Shaughnessy, do you know who that is? No. It's Mr. Sheffield from the nanny.

Oh, wow. Yep. Oh, God. There's your check-off. Or Lane's Pissy Boss from Mad Men? Yes. Yep, you're totally right. Great call.

Also, did I remember reading something about they tried to get a Kickstarter going for a comic book adaptation? Oh, yeah, that failed. Oh, it failed. Just ran right into the ground. They think Moontrap matters more than it does. No, you know, maybe. Maybe we're just wrong on this gang.

We might get a bunch of hate mail for this episode. Well, listen, none of us had heard of this movie. Is it a big deal? Do any of you out there give a shit about Moontrap? Maybe it is one of the most influential movies of the 1980s, and I'm not unaware of it. I mean, maybe. Maybe we just missed a day at school.

Is this character more influential than Chekhov? I didn't watch a lot of Cinemax. I wouldn't know. I would. And it's a perfect film. Bring on Moontrap Tooth. The Tiddy Invasion. Would anybody recommend Moontrap 1? No.

I thought, I mean, the movie's kind of dull in between the... The broad strokes are great, but I feel like the... But the detail of the canvas you're saying? It doesn't do much. And Walter Caining is really a poor choice for just about anything. Aside from, like, the sixth build character to science fiction franchise. Uh-huh. It just didn't do it for me, but it is kind of fun.

I would recommend it just because it's dumb. I would say get a lot of people get some tall glasses of beer or water. Oh, yeah. Either or both. Yeah. And, you know, it's just low budget nonsense. This is a hardcore recommendation for me, man. This is, I mean, it's, yeah, come equipped with a tall glass of water.

Just laugh at this movie. This movie is so terrible. I don't know how it influenced anything other than people making scives. fine horror movies after this looked at Moontrap and said let's not make Moontrap let's do our damnedest to make our movie better than Moon Trap

And then you got Prometheus. Yeah, exactly. We got Prometheus, event horizon, sunshine, all of these space horror movies, you know? Yeah, hardcore recommend for me. I'll see what this sequel has to say. Oh, Target Earth? You know what? We should

make a pack. We should go see it in the theater. The theater. If, yeah. The theater. The VOD. If and when it shows up. Yeah, we'll catch it on the VOD. You know, we'll catch it on Cinemax. That's Moontrap from 1989, directed by Robert Dyke. I've been calling him Bob Dyke this whole time. Like I'm a neighbor house is or something.

Oh, hey, Bob. How's that Moontrap too coming? Yeah, because he is behind it, by the way. I'm sure you. He's the one carrying that Moontrap Torch. Is Tex Ragdoll behind it, too? Tex Ragsdale But Tex Ragdall Awesome name for a little

Like stuffed cowboy character Dude we can get a WHM toy line going Yeah Tex Ragdoll Yes directed by Robert Dyke Written by Tex Ragsdale Starring Chekhov and Bruce Campbell If you want to get a hold of us

Check out our website WHM Podcast.com Check us out on the sideshow network Sideshow network dot TV Along with all the other great shows on the network right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at

WHM podcast. And just if you want more moon talk and weird things, check out Blame it on Outer Space, another podcast that someone close to me does. Yeah, it's another guy named Eric which is interesting. Do you want to, for our new sideshow audience,

would you want to explain a little bit about this other show? Well, it takes place in an alternate dimension. Right. And it's about conspiracy theories in the paranormal. We kind of examine them. It's pretty ridiculous. We had a recent episode on water fluoridation with Lionel from the W.Pix

News. No one outside of the five boroughs of New York City knows what you're doing. I was so excited about that episode and I love it. It's so great. He's a weird, interesting guy that has some opinions and check it out. He is Blaming on Outerspace.com.

There you go. Also, we hate movies fans. Should check out our subreddit, Reddit.com slash R slash We Hate Movies. There you go. It's really coming along. We got a lot of people there talking about every single episode that comes out. I got to tell you, man, like we have some of the

best fans out there, like fans money can buy or money can't buy, I guess. We have not bought a fan yet. Don't even start that rumor. We don't pay anybody. No, no. You know, the check is not in the mail. Yeah, well, I'll, I'll edit that. We have the best fans quality podcasting can buy

because this subreddit, man. There is some dedication on there. Cooking. It's really cooking. It's cooking with gas now. So go on there if you're on Reddit. Check it out. The community's really blowing up. And if you're anywhere near Cambridge, Massachusetts this Saturday, or you plan on being anywhere near it, go on to brownpapertickets.

We hate movies, not at all. WHM podcast. That brownpapertickets.com. Order yourself a ticket to our Green Lantern conversation. It's going to be a total blast. It's totally sold out. It's one of our out-of-town shows. have a lot of fun at those.

Yeah, exactly right. And, you know, these things don't come around all the time. They're coming around more and more, but, you know, you still got to, it's kind of like the circus, man. Circus isn't around every week. It's not like 162 games in a baseball season. No, not at all. Well, also, people always say, like, how can I support your podcast more?

I love it. Live shows is probably the best way to do it. And bring some friends who don't know what the podcast is, spreading the good WHM word. All right. Clue for next week's episode, Steve's Haydack. and untouchable shows up and untouchable. One of the untouchables is in

a movie that we're going to talk about next week. So until then, when we're bringing a knife to a gunfight, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Cisker. Steve Sater. Take it easy.