We Hate Movies - S5 Ep198: The Juror

Episode Date: April 7, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang goes to court with Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin in the ridiculous legal thriller, The Juror! Why does Alec Baldwin's mafia fixer character have a Jackal-esque nickname? Could Anne Heche be a bigger Dead Meat side character? And what is with all the box puns? PLUS: That. Dragon. Video game. The Juror stars Demi Moore, Alec Baldwin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Anne Heche, Tony Lo Bianco, Lindsay Crouse, Michael Rispoli and the legendary James Gandolfini; directed by Brian Gibson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Stephen Tiddick. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you're new to the program, this is a comedy show that has recently joined the side show lineup, the side show family. Like I said, it's a comedy show where we make fun of bad movies for a little while, right?

We just have some fun with some bad movies. Not too much seriousness here. Bad to boring movies. Long movies. That's the big one. Long, long movies. Bad, boring, and long. up this week's episode. It's The Juror from 1996, directed by Brian Gibson. And this is,

this was a time to be alive in Hollywood. You got your Alec Baldwin getting the star in a movie still. You got to dust this one off Demi Moore starring in movies. In a Razzie Award winning performance. Are you kidding me? Yes, she swept the Razies this year. Wow. How amazing is it to think that there was a time in the life and career of Arnold W. you raspberry where he wasn't having to resort to like transformer movies for the acting this is just a really shitty like drama crime thriller that's my problem with the razzies man is like now they're taking it so easy on themselves you used to have to dig for this shit i mean like dig in and take a bite of the juror yeah all these john grisham knockoffs that's what i was

this a john grisham book no my wig fell off today i was like what this wasn't by john grisham Doesn't it just sound like it should be a John Grisham movie? It's the something, and it deals with the legal system. That's all you need. The rainmaker, the runaway jury. I think it was just a runaway jury. Oh, it wasn't the chamber. Is that a show of Richem?

The chamber is him, the firm is him. The, the, the, the, the, the. And the Pelican brief. And the Pelican brief. So this movie, Steve, is what exactly? You know, it should be nice and simple. You know what I mean? It's like, what a, what a.

what a dream it's like you're trying to go out to dinner with somebody like yeah we'll just go out we'll get a burger we'll get a beer and we'll and we'll leave and like oh cool then we'll catch the game or something like that you know what I mean you're on a clock and you go to dinner with this movie right

and you're like all right let me get a beer and he's like no you know what let's get some shots I don't want to do shots and now you're doing shots first and he's like let's get some apps like well that wasn't part of the plan that's not we talked about and then he's like you know what if we get a bunch of small plates,

it's better than getting it. It's like, oh, fuck. I just got fucked at dinner. Well, also, I would say all that, and then instead of going to the game, you go to Mexico. Guatemala, Chris. Guatemala, sorry.

Guatemala. So stick with this gang and find out how in the last act of this film, we wind up in Guatemala City, Guatemala. So this movie's about Demi Moore is a juror in a mafia court case. Yep. And essentially the mob pressures her, sends an enforcer after her to say, hey, look, when it comes time, you got to vote not guilty or I'm going to kill you, kill your family, kill the whole thing, which the mafia does, and that's their business.

Sure, they have every right as the mafia to intimidate any juror they see fit. Exactly. But this guy falls in love, and that's the problem. So this guy is Alec Baldwin, who we are, this is what I don't understand about this movie. So he's like, as we learn from the guy who played Richie Appreel and the Sopranos, like he was just a guy who was not Big Jackie Appreel. Oh, it's Big Jackie Appreel? Yes. Excuse me. So, yeah, Jackie Appreel.

He died of cancer in the show. Yeah, little Jackie gets murdered after that card game. Oh, right. He's also the pervert and while you were sleeping. Oh, my God. The pervert neighbor. The pervert's jerking off in all sorts of closets in that movie. He absolutely is he's putting on her shoes and shit.

It's awesome. He's just a nuisance, in quotation marks, but he's her super with keys to her house. Oh, it's a real, like, how long you want to stay here for. Let's go out on a date. So he explains to the movie audience that, you know, Alec Baldwin grew up with his family. He's not blood, but, like, the dad took him in, and he's part of the mafia. The deal is he is part of the mafia. At the same time, he also is this urban legend known as the teacher.

I mean that shit is designed for an assassin And that's all he's known as It's not like you get a sense of like Oh his name his real name was Lee McCoy Right and that's the other thing is he's using a lot of fake names in this movie So like in the credits he's the teacher And I had never seen this until this afternoon when I watched it for the show And I was looking at the IMDB page

And it was before they addressed that And I was like the teacher Well that's stupid I sure hope that's explained Oh no it's not okay But it's horses shit because that's not not a mafia nickname. You're not the teacher. Because, and even somebody in the court case they're talking about the teacher, like,

well, why do they call him the teacher, Mr. Gabranzo? Yeah, why don't they call him Jimmy the Stain? And he's like, oh, you know, when you see him school is out. And it's like, you know what, shut the fuck up, sir. What a reach as far as a mafia nickname is concerned. Then you don't call him the teacher. You call him

Alice Cooper. I don't think much Italian mafioso are listening to 70s rock icon. Alice Cooper. It's possible that not exactly a lot of them, but still they would if Jim Brewer

wrote this movie. Just, you know what? Nobody in the mafia is the teacher. There's no indeficit. You're right. It's got to be Sammy the Dustain. Yes. Billy the whatever. Sammy the Bolgarvano. That's a great one. Tony, the teacher, if you

have to. Exactly. You know what I mean? But it's not the teacher. That's a fucking European assassin. Yes, exactly. And you're the saint at that Yes, exactly. Or Clive Owen in Bourne Ultimatum. Or, sorry, Born Identity. Identity. I get such bad headaches, Jason. Do you get the headaches? Do you think in Born Identity, he gets such bad headaches? Because he got visions of the future of his career. Yeah, dude. He was a precog in that movie. He saw past Children of Men and he saw everything afterwards. Well, that was the thing, right? He saw that fork in the road. And, like, standing right at the apex of the fork was him dressed as just. James Bond, and it was just yes or no, and he pre-cogged through the fork, and he found

out which way it went. That poor bastard. He's great in the neck, though. That's what everybody keeps saying. He's not in this movie, though. So, the other thing about Julianne Moore, or Julianne Moore, Jesus, I wish she was in this movie. Thinking of Children and Men. No, Demi Moore,

the lesser of the Moore actresses. One of the worst moors, I would say. Yeah, she's terrible. Of Hollywood Moors. And a bad Demi. Jonathan Demi, Ted Demi? Demi Lovato? Demi Livado is way better than Demi Moore. 100%.

So she's kind of this, she's like working as a clerk, but she's also a sculptor. And we meet her in jury selection. And let me tell you something. She might be the biggest loser character. We've addressed in a while because this character is super stoked

to be getting on this. this jury. And the judge is and he even says this later, giving her every out, like, this is going to take a long time. You have a kid, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, no, I think this is just going to be a lot of fun. But it makes no sense because that's

not how you pick a jury even for a big case. You ask them a set of very specific questions while they're all on the seats and then you, you know, take ones out and say this one. She's beep-bopping and scatting all over this election process. She's running this

room. It's so, it's like she's working carolines. Let me tell you what Oliver told me last night. He called you the big Spaghettio. Oh, well, that's just fucking hilarious. And you know what? Come on, defense attorney. She's gone on two fronts. One, she knows who the defendant is. And B,

she's racist. Totally. No one's caring about the Italian slurs in this movie and it's a real problem. Yeah, so it's, you know, it's a big high profile court case and she's asked, you know, do you know anything about it? And she's like, no, well, my son was knows all about it. He kept talking

about the big Spaghettio. And everyone's just slapping their knee, including the judge. I think it's a thing where they're laughing at her like, oh, this 12 year old is more informed than this woman. That's embarrassing for her. Let's all point in laugh. Definitely want her on this jury. And she, yeah, she's this

sculptor. Her son is played by a third rock from the sun era Joseph Gordon Levitt, and he carried over those fucking dumbass kangal hats from the set of that show that he was always wearing backwards. with that long hair. The long hair was a big problem. It's just gross. The oversized

flannels everywhere. I mean, I guess that's just the product of the 90s. It is, but man, it's, why would you carry that into a movie? Like, you're dressed as your little TV character. He's draping it like it's a kimono. It's like really, really silly. I mean, you could have, I mean, like,

good bar bet if Joseph Gordon-Levitt didn't turn out to be a thing. You could have been like, oh, you know, the kid from Third Rock of the Sun turned out to be the lead singer or creed. And everyone would be like, oh yeah, sure, I'll take that bad. I think he was Marilyn Manson Now underneath all the makeup

He created the Brian name So Long story short She gets on this jury Basically And then we're treated To James Gandalfini And Alec Baldwin

Following her home Because they're trying to That's their job They're in the mafia And it's their god-given right Like it's kind of like that thing It's like It's the prosecution's burden

to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that this person did this. It's the mafia's burden to intimidate all the witnesses they can and possibly murder people. But the difference here, and that's what I thought this was, we're just going to be scaring up all these jurors. Yeah. But however, you have to think back to this John Grisham title. It's singular

juror. Yeah. So they're just intimidating one. And listen, the mafia, this is a flawed plan. Yep. Because their whole thing is, we have to scare her into voting not guilty. And then she also has to convince 11 other people of not guilty in a really open and shut

mafia assassination. It makes absolutely zero sense. Jackie Appreel is like, look, it can't just be, no, I think it's Al Baldwin actually who says it where he's like, it can't just be a hung jury. It has to be an acquittal. Why? Because they're going to retry. And then he'll lose.

But I mean, they're on him anyway. Do you think honestly that an acquittal is just going to like oh well yeah he was innocent we're gonna look here's what I think a lot of it is okay they've already booked like the hall for his getting out of jail party which we're treated to yeah there's a down payment

they've hired a band which if you're a band right like you're just some like events band in New York and like some Italian guys like yeah come down to this hall in Brooklyn you're gonna play a concert for our buddy who's getting out of jail like are you are you doing that are you taking that

gig you're kind of I mean you're probably getting a nice purse. Oh, yeah, you get a nice... You just double your rate. Oh, and the singer's got to be somebody's niece. If not, she's getting up during the performance. Why didn't you book me, you son of a bitch? Yeah, that's the thing. She's like steps away from getting that record contract.

Don Corleone's just got to make a couple calls. But you're right, because that's the thing is they... They're not only looking for someone to intimidate. They're looking for a Henry Fonda and 12 Angry Men. It's like, that doesn't happen very often. It's very difficult to turn around an entire jury pool. And as we've all pointed out, Debbie Morris is a terrible actress, so she can't really, you think she's going to rassel all these guys?

Well, as we find out later, the teacher teaches her to teach them a thing or two about being on a jury. It's one of the biggest bullshit montages I've seen in a while. Speaking of bullshit montages, the beginning of this movie, Alec Baldwin's going around and he's you know he's putting bugs in her house while talking to James Gagnolfini the biggest bugs I've ever Like these things are

It's the size of a game boy It's put little game boys all over her house Like under the table And it's like dude All she has to do is move that table Slightly that thing's falling off And we're and we're supposed to think That he's the best in the business

That's the air that he's he's the best in the business He opens a great for a phone wire And leaves it loose Yeah he's not screwing things back in he's staying in the house like while they get home and James Gandalfini's sitting in the car down the road like what are you doing what are you doing you're fucking it up you're gonna fuck it up what are you doing you don't have a flare for it man James Gandalfini a 1996 James Gandalfini which is also the year they filmed like that first Sopranos pilot like years

before it aired yeah he's so young in this movie oh yeah he looks like a CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger a little bit not that he looked at Looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I meant when they CIGI'd Arnold in that last shitty Terminator movie to make him look young. Like, he looks like a computer-generated James Gandalfini in this movie. Well, he's also the only

reasonable character in this whole movie. Like, he's like, look, we just have a job to do. Just do it. Look, this is how this works. And you know what? We're the mafia. We're going to scare you a little bit. But you play by the rules, we're all gravy. You've killed 500 people,

Alex Baldwin. At least. And that's a very conservative figure. So Demi Moore comes home with JGL while he's in the house. And we get a little bit of what they're talking about. And he's like, you know, you don't want to be on this jury mom, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, I need some excitement in my life. I'll get away for a couple weeks. I'm like, drop the kid with your friend and go on vacation if that's what you really need right now.

Also, if you want to emotionally abuse this kid, keep it up. She's just like, I need something other than your fucking haircut. And your fucking dumbass backwards cangle hat. Who do you think you are? Samuel L. Jackson. And also, she's a terrible mother in this movie.

She's a distinctly terrible. At the beginning, you think, like, it's all great because they're like best pals and like, she's like, do your homework. She's like, do your homework. She's like, I want to play my game. And she's like, let's play it together. And they're like fake playing a video game.

Which is the worst thing you can put in a movie ever because it's, Steve, it's your old bomb in the universe thing. Because she clearly has no idea what a video game is and she's like oh yeah get it oh high score do it it's kind of like when you like when you're young and you don't know what stick shift is so you just assume that people are just like doing it for no reason that's what she's doing with this joystick and just hitting this button like it's a hammer yeah but earlier in that scene he distinctly she's like oh well you should say lay off Nintendo and he's

like no mom it's Sega and then later they're playing on the fucking PC yep and just that drives me And you know what I think a lot of that is, is we can say Sega in the script, but we can't be showing Sega on the screen. So it's just a rando computer monitor with some dragon game. We'll get to that fucking dragon game. So he, houses bugged were in full surveillance mode at this point because Alec Baldwin is doing research on her to find out like, you know, ways to threaten her and strings to pull. He's living in some garage with like an enemy of the state bunker inside of it. Yeah, he's got a real information. information center. It's much like his brother's

information center in Sliver. Oh, that's true. It's like a more like low-tech version of what, is it Billy Baldwin in that movie? He's got a real honest to goodness command center in that movie. Yeah. And he's fallen in love with her. So he wants to buy,

he introduces himself immediately because already he's like throwing the rules to the wind, right? Yep. She, can we talk about her art? Because it's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen. You find this in like a bazaar in North Carolina. And you buy it solely to throw it in the garbage.

Exactly. Or a bonfire or the ocean or shoot it to Mars. Or you just put it in your garage and never think of it again until you have to move. It's like a milk crate with a hole inside of it. Yep. That you stick your arm in and you feel a sculpture. She's a sculptor. Basically the sculpture you can't ever see it.

You know what it is? It's incredibly pretentious. stick your hand, this is the brain These are the eyeballs You're totally right And Alec Ball's like Oh my God She's a genius

Oh dude He's flipping out for these dumbass milk crate sculptures And it's great because like It actually To me it's actually not a bad idea For a movie because there's nothing worse Than fake movie art You know what I mean

It's always like Because it's always the same thing It's like oh my God That guy's a genius And it looks like crap And this at least it's a milk crate You don't know what the experience is But it's pretty stupid

It's a carny trick I was gonna say There's some bad movie art In a total stay tuned dream lover Oh my God Where like James Spader goes to Like Larry Miller's birthday party And there's like some bad art

And it's like look at this fucking art Oh my God this art It's gonna sell like hot cakes But almost as worse that Is people talking about art in movies Like him trying to, like, he is trying to compliment her. And he's trying awfully hard, but I don't understand a fucking thing he's saying. Well, so this is a movie that it takes place in and around New York City and the greater metropolitan area.

Sure. Suburbs. We go upstate a little bit. Mafia country. Yeah, yeah. You know, where the mafia go to Rome. And so she goes down to Chelsea, like, because it's the mid-90s and Chelsea still has more art galleries than fashion fucking jean stores. You know, so she's down there.

And the gallery owner is like, oh, my God, we got one! And she's like, holy fuck, someone wants to buy these milk crates? That's amazing. And it's this whole... Is it P.T. Barnum? Yeah, it's someone from the fucking Ripley's up on 42nd Street. So she's like, oh, you know, can I meet this person? No, he just left, but he cut us a check for $24,000.

You get half of that. This, that, and the other thing. and then it's like he plans on shipping them to these buyers in Japan and she starts flipping out like what you mean and she says something to the effect of like so I'm never going to be able to see my sculptures again like you're trying to fucking sell it deal with that well she has some weird thing about like how is this you should think of my art as art not as commerce well that's the weirdest part so he bumps into her and he's like hey let's go out for drinks bumps into her he's strategically waiting outside well he's a

Walker Andrews. I mean, that's a plot. No, he's like, oh, hey, you know, let's go out for drinks. And, like, he looks like Alec Baldwin. He's got a David Schwimmer haircut in this movie. Yeah, it was that, like, that Alec Baldwin, like, wall of hair. Sure. And he still had the narrow face. So it's like, he looks like the top of a number two pencil. But he also has, like, a virgin CEO kind of situation, because it's a blazer and a t-shirt almost at all times. Oh, he's looking hip as hell in this movie. So he's like, yeah, you know, I'm an art, I'm an art dealer. You should come out to dinner. go ahead for drinks they do and she he's like yeah i'm going to sell these all in japan and you know art is like contemporary art is like commerce in japan right now yeah i could flip this for this that and the other thing she's like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa that's bullshit but not bullshit for the right reasons like i mean what are you getting pissed off about you just made twelve thousand dollars for stuffing a bunch of shit up in a milk crate and some idiot bought three of them have a fucking glass of champagne

seriously can we talk about the feel your boxes parts of these this this the double entendres make me want to just get an elbow deep in your boxes let me just reach under your box

it's just I mean like I haven't thought about box re-vagina since like ninth grade yeah here are these two adults and she's like oh you want to get inside my box and he's like yeah i want to touch your box and see what's going on in there that's the thing is it's not like he's like ha ha box right and then she gets offended he's like ha ha box right and she's like oh fuck yeah yeah box

total box what is happening right now also she lives in a barn like they go out on a date like he's like you know what i bought all these from you and you got mad about it, let's go out on a date to patch things up. And it's a weird, like, she's getting ready to go out on this date. Her best bud in Cynthia Nixon. No, Ann Hache. Oh, Ann Hache. We were talking about Cynthia Nixon off the air.

They're kind of interchangeable in my book. Sure. You're right, though. It's 1996. It's most definitely Anne Hage. Sure. And they're like, all excited. Not only did I sell some shit.

I'm going on a date with a real guy. And it's like they live in kind of a loft space. And they're just talking about fuck it and all sorts of shit. And, like, Joseph Gordon Levitt's playing video games downstairs. There's a couple of lookups, like, Mom's talking about getting fucked again. And, like, An Hache. Maybe she'll stop hitting me. N. Hatch has this fucking monologue about pulling you in and pulling you out.

And I'm like, man, oh, man, quit it. It was a weird thing where I was like, is Anne Hache, like, is the character upset that Demi's character, like, decided to date men again? or something. I didn't understand what their relationship was. Well, she's also acting like she's about to have an orgasm on this bed while she's talking about this. While she's got her huge 1996 pager right on like the front of her jeans and she's laying on this bed and it looks like she's attached to medical equipment. Like she has some fucking like dialysis thing attached to her. She was like bones on an away mission. Get your tricorder out, Anne H.

and she's talking she's a doctor too ironically enough she's talking about like oh man i haven't slept in like two days and she's like okay enjoy watching my kid yeah really that's like getting a drunk to watch your kid you know what i mean you can't do that that's worse than being drunk yeah it's like you promise you're gonna be conscious the whole time right anne hage fingers crossed wait you're you're driving somewhere they're driving in the movies it's not even if they're just like hanging out watching movies and hage nods off at least you know this kid can't get into shit. Look, if you want to pay for the pay-for-view, WrestleMania

who gives a shit, go right ahead. You're not going to go out and see fucking the hurricane or whatever's out at this point. The hurricane. We're a few years off from the hurricane. So then we go to her barn and like, it's really like Demi Moore and

Alex, listening to Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin flirt is actually very irritating because they both have throaty voices and he's like, oh, I want to get inside your box. And she's like, oh you want to get inside my box oh yeah you box and it's just like shut the fuck up

so and this is like you know she's thinking the temperature's getting turned up like she's getting ready to go and then he's like how about I take a look at this box and she's like oh no she suggests she's like why don't you take a look at this box and he's like

I had that box yesterday well no it's specifically I have another box you can look under yeah you're totally right Chris it's so bad How old are we Box age So she's like

Go check out that box over there And he's like Oh I I felt up under that box yesterday And she's like Yesterday we met this morning Yeah And he's like That's right

Also here comes a huge surprise And he just lets it rip Like what the situation is And I'm going to kill your family Like your son's going to be met with an accident If you go to the police or whatever And it's it's It's starting off

He's he's becoming the puppeteer Which is fine Like you know And you know I'm looking at the clock In this movie I'm like good You know it gets right to do it We know 15 minutes in

What her deal is She's got her quirky trade She's a sculptor Blah blah blah She's got a friend And hey she's gonna be dead Halfway through this movie And we're out of here baby

Like you know I was happy to see that There was no dog involved Totally, because if there was a dog, Alec Baldwin's killing it. Oh, clearly. He's going to string it up and skin it like the needful thing's dog.

Oh, yeah. There was another dog killing. Oh, in that dumbass secret window movie. The dog gets the old screwdriver through the noodle. John Malchavitch kills a dog and in the line of fire, too, if I remember.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The German Shepherd. He, like, cracks it in the neck. All right, PD. That's a real Michael Myers move with that one. So he lays down what's going on, and he's just like, I know

everything about you, and we're just going to go from there. I'm going to be watching the trial, I'm going to know what's going on, and I'll be like pressing your buttons the whole time. In a real mafia movie, he says, all you've got to do and he makes it really easy for him, but he's got other stuff's planned, because that's what the mafia does. Look, I'm not going to sit here

on this podcast at Banmouth the Mafia. No, of course not. I just won't. I just will not. They do a lot of good for the communities they represent. He's like, look, all you got to do is say, not guilty, baby, and that's it. Yep. And then later on he's like, yeah, but you got to turn the whole thing around. It's like, oh, what the fuck?

And yeah, and it's a real mafia move because we can rewind and know that he's definitely just like not guilty. That's all you have to do. And so she's like upset and whatnot. I guess whatever they went to see was 70 minutes long because

J.G. L. and Anne Hache come back and it's like, she's like been crying because she's terrified of what's going on. And he comes in like, hey, we just saw Five will go his west. Why are you crying? And it's like, oh, the things with that guy didn't work out. I'm just so happy to see you, this, that, and the other thing. And Alec Baldwin kind of like slinks out. And it's very important to remember that JGL gets a look at him. And they like kind of make eye contact before he just walks out the door. Oh, yeah. But there's another box joke here.

It's ridiculous because like, like, he's like, hey, Bob. Is he going to, is he going to buy your box? And he's like, she's like, I don't know, sweetheart. And then like, he goes upstairs and then And Baldwin creeps up behind her. He's like, I am going to buy you a box. And it's like, God damn it. I might be in the mafia and have a code name of the teacher. But also, I'm a great patron of the arts and boxes. I love buying my way into boxes.

I've been in so many boxes. So she's like upstairs crying and the phone rings. And it's just some random lunatic in Venezuela. Good old Matt Craven, who I also thought was dead meat at this point. Oh, yeah, I thought he was gone. Once he showed up. But he's in Venezuela for 98% of this movie. Guatemala.

Or Guatemala, excuse me, yes. And that's the only, and like, you know, she's just like, hey, how's it going? Talk to you later. Blah, blah, blah. But I'm confused as to what the relationship here is. I was like, is he the father of this child? I think he's a father and they're separated because he wanted to work in Guatemala. They just say best pals, best friends.

And you're supposed to have this understanding. that every summer they travel there for this carnival. Well, that's what doesn't, because this is, okay, then here's why I assumed he's the father is because they don't mention the father at all at a movie. Yeah. So if there's one, you know,

male, you know, somewhat dominant figure in it that's not Alec goddamn Box Baldwin. Good old Box Baldwin. Well, also the thing that's great about this scene is she knows that the phones are all tapped so she doesn't want, you know, this dude getting involved in whatever. And he's calling from a

a Guatemalan payphone and she just starts like talking shit to him. This guy's totally caught off guard and it's like, you know what? I'm just sick and tired of you trying to wedge your way into our life and I'm seeing someone and you have to stop doing this and he's like

uh, okay like this dude is so hilariously hurt. You don't want to come the summer then? I can't literally it's 1996 I really can't email you. This is the only conversation we're going to have. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I had to get on this town's pay phone waiting list three weeks ago.

There's like five kids working the crank to make this phone work. So there's a weird thing where James Gandalfini makes contact in a grocery store after like the first day of jury duty. And it's a thing where his name's Eddie. Yeah. And this is a totally useless thing because she learns his real name like two scenes later. But she's like, oh, what's your name? And he's like, I can't tell you that. Oh, would you call me?

And he's like looking around the groceries. store, like, yeah, Captain Crunch. And you're just like, oh, Jesus Christ. Call me a Tabasco. It's so, call me Scott's Paper Towel rolls. Call me Avocados three for a dollar. But this is where he, he like puts his foot down as like, I'm the nice mafia guy. Yeah, like I'm just the guy who's doing a job.

Treat me like a plumber or a carpenter, you know. Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to creepy fall in love with you. I swear to God, I got a wife and a kid. There's mafia rules about that. Okay, and he's breaking all of them. He's just breaking all of them. And he's giving the mafia a bad name.

So the other thing is we keep getting treated to this court case, which again, like, I don't know why apparently mafia trials are always the most hilarious trials to go to. Because the mafia does not have a problem making a mockery of the court system. Sure. And I think if everybody had the light attitude towards jurisprudence that we do, when we see the. mafia. We'd have a lot more murderers on the street. People would be getting let go left and right and I think criminals need to understand if they're on trial for murder.

It's best to be flippant at all times and charming. Bob Durst was cracking all sorts of jokes at Galveston, Texas. Exactly. And look what happened. So just you know, note to all you murderers out there. Keep it light. Maybe take an improv class or two. Hi, I'm here because

I want to learn how to talk better. and public speaking at my job? Yeah, I do too. I just have this picture of like Ed Gein, like watching Robin Williams specials or something. Wow, he just talks without thinking. I wish I could do that. Look at him.

Command the room. Shut up. Taking notes. Trying to be a better kidnapper. Oh, yeah, you're going to be turned into furniture awfully quick. So this trial, we should make. imagine what this trial is because actually the funny thing is he's not on trial for murder he's on trial for ordering a murder because he's de boss right and so the whole thing is the the first

the very first scene in this movie is like a little kid getting up to pee yeah and he walks into a room and we don't see what's going on and then like his grandfather gets murdered you know who it is it's uh jason young jason patrick from the sleepers oh really yeah yeah it's a kid i didn't recognize him when he wasn't getting abused by Kevin Bacon in that movie. Well, no, he's too busy getting murdered by Alec Baldwin. That kid had a rough career, huh? So, yeah, he gets shot in the face by Alec Baldwin,

aka the teacher. So that's, the whole thing is, like, this was a mafia hit that Alec Baldwin did, but this dude is on trial for ordering the hit, and he's caught, it's one of those, like, he's caught on tape being, like, what's the line they keep saying, yeah, kill the cock sucker. Yeah, just like, oh, Jesus.

And, you know, at a certain point, the guy brings out a puppet, defense attorney which Alec Baldwin is seen making the night before so not only he is this amazing assassin slash mafia dude he is also this brilliant pretend to be an art buyer guy he considers himself an artist because there's a fuck the worst line is at the end of this when he talks to Demi Moore he's like we're not like the mafia we're artists oh give me a break fuck out of town and he's just carving this little puppet. You're like, what is

he making, because you don't know what it is just yet and you're like, is he making a voodoo doll? Like, he's really covering all the bases. It's like, if Demi Moore fucks up, I have this magic doll on hand. But what was the chain of command? Who told him to make this puppet instead of just buying one? I think it was the defense attorney.

He's like, all right, now let's see. We got James Gandalfini's covering the phones. The teacher, we need you to make the puppet that I'm going to use for a gag in court tomorrow. Look, it's Look, it's the mafia. Everybody has to do a job. Yeah, everybody's pitching in down at the mafia. Is Alec Baldwin the most twisted puppeteer since Kevin Clash in this movie?

Alec Baldwin got away with a lot less trouble than Kevin Clash did. That's for sure. Yeah, but there's just something about, like, they're in the court. And you're just making a mockery of our justice system. Well, because he's talking about it's like, well, Mr. I don't even know what the guy's name is like, Mr. Barranzo here is just Bufano. He's Bufano.

Wow, you were close, guessing Italian names. He's like, oh, Mr. Bufano here, isn't he just a puppet? Isn't he just like a puppet? And he's like, well, I don't know. He's like, do you know what a puppet is? And he's like, I'm not really, I'm like, yeah, I know what a puppet is. And he says, a puppet looks like this. And he brings out this huge marionette thing.

And I'm like, why? It's terrifying. And the judge is like a couple of times tell this guy to put this puppet away. He's yelling. I told you to put that puppet down. I remember when I first saw this movie, I mean, I was obsessed as all of us were with the Batman, the animated series. Sure. I was like, wait a minute. Is this the origin stories of the ventriloquist? Oh, man, I wish.

Is Alec Baldwin's ventriloquist? I could, I can find that. He still can do that. Yeah, he could do it. He's thicker now. He could do it. So can we talk about the landlord to Alec Baldwin's hideout? This guy. Is that what the relationship is? Yes. So, yeah. Rodney. Yeah, Rodney the landlord. So this is a character we're introduced to because he's coming by, for some reason. He's collecting part of Alec Baldwin's rent early. But he's also like just a scumbag. He's a scumbag.

Well, he's doing it because he's a scumbag. And he has a date with a prostitute. And he wants to show the prostitute a good time, but he needs some money up front. So he's like, oh, I thought maybe if I could get a couple parts of your rent a little early or whatever. And he's like, I told you never to come here. which is awesome because this dude owns the building and he should be able to come whatever he wants to. He just walked out of the bar from the Iceman Cometh.

It's just like this old rummy with like smelly clothes and his glasses are all crooked. I gotta go meet Hickey. It's so ridiculous because when he comes in you're like there's no way this dude's the landlord, is he? He's no position of authority. Yeah, I didn't see, I didn't hear a word about what it because he's just asking for my...

He's also, and this is why he's my favorite character, is because he will just... give it to Alec Baldwin no matter what. Well, because he doesn't know just how dangerous Alec Baldwin is and presumably Alec Baldwin hasn't had to intimidate this guy that much. Just like, I'm going to

rent this space. I, you know, would appreciate you, you know, acknowledging that I want to be private. Sure. Three knocks please. Yeah, and you have to call an hour before those three knocks like that kind of a thing. Sure. I understand it's a garage but, you know, a knock will still do. So this dude's looking around

at all this stuff and all of the stuff is like a surround sound set up of their bugged house, photographs of her, photographs of known associates all over the place. And the guy's like, oh, geez, what's going on here? And he's like, it's, uh, an art project. Yeah, I'm also an artist. And he singles out a picture of Debbie Moore. He's like, that, that's my girlfriend. Like, that's, uh, your girlfriend quote unquote, huh? I love her. You know what? maybe this year for, instead of putting so much money into the Toys for Tots

program, we could gather up all of like the landlords in the country and give them classes on how to not house a serial killer. And anyone who says when you're like, how, what's going on there? Oh no, it's an art project.

You should call the police immediate. No matter, they just, you know, maybe eight times out of ten, it is an art project. But you know what? Someone should go in there and poke around. And let the police department determine. if that's actually an art project. At the very least, he has to show you his private investigator license.

Because it's the only other reason you should have pictures of a person like this in such quantity. You know who else was working on an art project? Jeffrey Jones, all right? Like, it never works out okay. So, very rapidly in this movie, Joseph Gordon-Levitt figures out exactly

what's going on. That's horseshit. It's two scenes later. And he's just like, so, Mom, I know that this dude, intimidating you in order to facilitate swaying your opinion on this case but you should know that's unethical and all this stuff and she has told him

earlier on because she's so excited about being on this jury like listen cut out all the stories from the newspaper I can't know anything about this like it's going to be really hard for me as an unemployed sculptor to stay uninformed about this case because I love the news

and I love reading the news and staying up with current events so cut out the news Even though she said in the beginning of the goddamn movie, she never, ever reads or watches the news. I was being facetious. But still, like, does make any sense. Well, because she's trying to take this really seriously, I guess, because she wants this vacation. Does jury duty vacation to go off without a hitch? And, yeah, I mean, I guess she just hates being a clerk, you know, just three months?

Not working? Sure, why not? I've never seen someone excited. Someone under the age of 70 excited for jury duty. Somebody likes going to jury duty? I mean, real losers and old people. Maybe, because you have absolutely nothing else to do. It's horrendous.

It's the worst thing ever. So he's like, listen, this is what's going on. And I think it's messed up. And she goes to, like, she's stressed out because she doesn't want to tell him the situation. So it's, like, weighing down on her, you know. So she's freaking out. And she goes to, like, pick up the newspaper to see what's going on. And he's done exactly what she's asked of him.

And she starts freaking out, like, Who the fuck cut up the newspaper? And he's like, two of us live in this barn, and you're asking me. So, and she straight up, like hits him in the face and throws him to the ground. And then he starts crying. And she's like, oh, you better cut that cry baby shit out right now. And it's like, whoa, this is abuse. I mean, like, hey, look, you're under pressure from the mafia.

I get it. Oh, yeah. You're in the mafia's ecosystem now. Things are changing. You don't hit your kid. No. And he runs away crying. and she tries to stop him to hit him again at one point.

Like she stopped, like elbow checks him. Like, don't make me chase you so I can beat the shit out of you in one place. You pansy. Can we go back half a scene because this is how this scene begins? Oh, God, yeah. They're playing this dragon computer game. It's him and his buddy. He's got a friend who's in one scene.

And, like, there's no dialogue in the scene. We just cut from like, Alex Baldwin being like, ugh. And then we cut to Joseph Gordon-Levin playing this game with a dragon, and he's giving the dragon and massive. erection? Like, it's a huge dragon dick. It's bigger than the dragon. Oh, yeah. He's manipulating it to make it get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. He's pressing the keyboard controls and like this cock's getting huge. And they're just sitting there laughing at it. Now, I haven't ever played Super Mario Party, but is it like this? No, you're not giving Yoshi an erection. Oh, okay. I figured that's what this was. I would certainly hope not. No, I mean, if that's true, like where's that nudality code? Well, you got to like press. press the button a couple, like really, really fast. No, that's the other thing, too. There doesn't appear to be any sort of competition with this game

because he's just casually like click, bigger, click, bigger, giggle, click, bigger, click, bigger. Enhance. But also, like, I mean, this kid actor, both of them are like 13 years old. Like, what are you as the director? Be like, all right, everybody, uh, you got a really difficult scene today. We're going to show your kid a pretty realistic looking dragon dick. You know, it's for the character. It's bringing a little levity in the situation.

But this is the only game that this kid plays. And he talks about it multiple times throughout the first act of this movie. And you're like, are you in it because you like slaying dragons? Are you in it because you like jerkin dragons? And also, but like, really, you couldn't just get a fucking screen cap of toe jam and Earl? Or like... You know what? No, they couldn't get a screen cap of Toad Jam and Earl.

Or even Booger Man. don't even care at this point. Bougar. Great game. That's what he said all the time. But you know what? Is this like the shining where we're pretend, like, you know what I mean?

Like, you know what I mean? Like, because no, we're not. Are you asking if that friend character was real? No, that, no, I'm asking, are we telling that Joseph Gordon Levitt like, oh, it's going to be a funny image? But really, we're putting a dragon dick on later? Or is this kid looking at a rat?

Because that's weird to me. If you're just like, you're showing a kid. a dick under any circumstances. Well, maybe he was... High art or no. I'm sorry we're making the juror here, but... Well, maybe he was like, oh, thank God. Like, it's so exciting to be on this set.

I'm manipulating a dragon dick. Fucking Lithgow doesn't let me do that on the sitcom. Like, this is the big leagues. I'm making movies. No, dragon dicks. Oh, dick. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with that dragon dick.

And she comes into the room and sees the dragon dick. And it's just, like, Tommy's here. Who said Tommy could come over? Get the hell out of here, Tommy. I got to hit my kid in private. I don't need two people call him Child Protective Service. And I'm not really, you know, concerned about the cartoon penis on my computer screen. Well, boys will be boys.

Sure. I guess. So, like, Joseph Gordon Levitt, like, arranges this meet with Anne Heish. And, like, he kind of, like, he is really savvy, as Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in most movies. Oh, yeah. As to what's going out. the mafia. So, like, he's like, oh, I'm going to run off to this field. And then Anne Hesha's there. And then, like, they know they're not being bugged. So she spills all the beans.

Yeah. And his whole thing is like, oh, mom, my lacrosse game is at this field or whatever. And they drive there. And she's like, what? Nobody's here. I was like, is he going to assassinate his own? Like, he's working with James Gandalfini to murder her. It's a bloody birthday. So she's like, listen, all you got to do is, what does she suggest? Go to the cops go to the judge oh right yeah go talk to the judge yeah that always works go talk to the judge and blah blah blah and when she once anne h gets this information you just see a little clock on her head right it's just like yeah it's just like when is it gonna happen when's she gonna go she's just you know what it's not even a clock it's a it's a

stake and then the steak like starts like getting taken away like bit by bit because she's just dead me and when that fucking steak's done she will of course be murdered in this movie by Alec Baldwin, which she does. Oh, yeah. So she goes to the judge and she's like, hey, judge. And the judge is like, well, I'm a judge. You can't come in my chambers. And he's like trying to put his little judge cloak on. You play the dragon dick game, you think? I think that's what was going on. It's like, you can go into a judge's chambers whenever you want. But this dude was like, no, I'm a judge. Making a dragon's dick huge in here. It's hilarious. But was I the one who kind of sensed that he was, he was clearly like paid off or something? That, I got that vibe too. Yeah, but, well, he's got a point, though, because he's like, you can't be in here.

If you, if you have something to tell me, I have to call both the prosecution and the defense attorney, and we're all going to listen. We're all going to hell tonight. But he also, like, is like, well, this is what you wanted. And I'm like, well, I guess if she was, like, excited on the stand, but still, it was your choice. But it's, you pick the jury. It's a weird thing. Well, the judge doesn't pick the jury. Well, no, no, but the prosecutor and the defense.

But the judge is, this is where he's saying, like, I gave you every opportunity to get out and blah, blah, blah. And what he's basically saying is, listen, house mother, I gave you the woman, every opportunity to not be on this jury. But you, as a stupid woman, insisted that you be on this jury with a bunch of men. And you know what? Now the mafia's after you. And that's what's going to happen. It's your own fucking fault, dumb lady. I should have expected it.

But where I was, I felt like, tipped off about this a little bit, Chris, was when he, like, basically kicks her out. Yeah. So she's like, because he's like, all right, I'm calling him. I'm getting, I'm getting mom and dad down here. And she's like, you know what? No, I'm just going to go. Forget it, you know. And the judge, like, has this look on his face like, oh, that girl's going to get murdered by my mafia cohorts.

I just know it. The judge played by the gypsy monster from thinner. Oh, is that him? And Neofodalis' father from my big fat Greek wedding. Oh, wow, that guy? Yeah. Wow, he's gotten old. Yeah.

Just saying. Just noticing the time has passed since 1996. So at this point, she's like, all right, I guess I'm in it to win it here with the jury. And like, you know what? Here's the thing. And like, she's trying to tell all sorts of people. Even Anne Hesians, like, you got to tell somebody. You got to do this.

I'm like, you know what? Look, the deal is pretty okay. All I got to do is let this murderer off. I have no real moral implication in it either because my life is threatened and my child's life is threatened. Totally. You have to do the thing as Mama Bear, like, protect your family. And you're right. As far as tasks or favors asked of you by the mafia, this is about as easy as it gets. Just keep saying a thing over and over again. Yes, he introduces the whole you're going to have to convince a woman other people. But that's later. As far as she knows now, she just has to sit there for a couple. weeks and then say not guilty at the end of it. I wouldn't even be paying attention to the trial at that point. It's kind of like a relief.

You know what I mean? Just sit there with your own thoughts. Exactly. It's kind of nice. So Joseph Gordon Levitt, there's a scene where they're like in the kitchen and she's cooking dinner or something and he's like, so did you take Anne Hesha's advice and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, shut up. And they start doing like this, we're writing notes because the house is bugged thing. And Alec Baldwin's like listening to what's going on and he can hear them like writing on this table because his game boy is taped up under it and he's like oh no like he hears her like say shush to him a very specific shh and then he hears nothing else

it's getting a little like john travolton blow out like he's listening to the same audio stuff over and over again bring this strip this part down levels are different so then we cut to like she's driving home one day and james gendelfini's in the driveway and you know he kind of like pulls out in front of the car and it's like no you're not coming home this is that's right after this is also why I thought the judge was crooked because it happens right after the judge exactly right right right right

and so it's like we're going to go for a drive and they go to like this parking lot where this landlord is drunk off of his ass in the middle of the afternoon with Alec Baldwin and he's like ah you know what this is John Stockton could beat Earl the Pearl on a

one on one which fucking no he could not by the way no it's Earl the Pearl Monroe is going to school John Stockton any day of the week. He's going to school anybody any day of the week. He's Earl the Pearl. God, I love Earl the Pearl Monroe. And he's just wasted and like hilarious, like comic three stooges drunk. And, you know, Alex Baldwin seems to be in a good mood.

He's like, fighting back. He's like, I don't know, that Earl the Pearl. And he's like, oh, hey, Annie. And he's like, oh, well, I guess we're just going for a day. That'd be cool if it's just like, oh, the mafia just wants me to day drink with him. That's not bad. And I mean, Rodney is really. kind of

handicap. He's a little bit of an handicap-looking character. Like all he has to do is fucking steal the hat from goddamn

JGL. Yeah. And he's got it. Just reverse that shit. And then get a hit over the head with a rolling

pinned. So he's like, hey, let's go for a ride. Let's meet you and Rodney go for a ride. And that's where

you know the trouble is because day drinking with the mafia is one thing. Going for a drive with the mafia, that's,

you know, drop the gun, take the canoli. That's always time the mafia wants to go for a ride with you.

it's never going to be a good thing. Exactly. I mean, at least make sure it's in like a top-down convertible. I mean, that's why the mafia never carpools, which is it makes them ecologically irresponsible because everyone's a little uneasy. And you always want to make sure you're in that backseat. Because if you're in the front seat, you're getting the old ice pick. Oh, absolutely. Like that, oh, that fucking...

I just rewatched the Godfather recently. Oh, no. They took a Mori from Goodfellas. No, not Mori from Goodfellas. No, I wasn't thinking ice pick. I was thinking, like, backseat front seat. Oh, man. That fucking brother-in-law.

Oh my God, just getting strangled in that movie. Kicking that windshield out, man. It's so fucking great. So they're going on this drive. And the basic gist of it is Alec Baldwin's like, In the backseat, I have a drunk who no one will miss. Here's a baby bottle I'm giving him filled with whiskey and some sleeping agent. And she's like, what's going on here?

And he starts, you see what's going on is he's like setting up a crime scene of this dude Rodney like drunk driving down a road. Yeah, he's because I'm Rodney. Who knows what I'm going to do? I can swerve all over the road. Dude, and this turns into a bad Saturday Night Live sketch because he's got this dude's glasses on. And he's kind of, you're right, he's kind of doing an impression of him. He's like, I'm just going to hit this mailbox because I'm drunk Rodney.

And she's like, this role-playing exercise is kind of unorthodox for the mafia. And you know what? Here's the thing, Rodney. You're a degenerate drunk, and that's, I got no problems with that. No. You've got to have, even like a book. Kalkowski level, like, degenerate drunk. And, you know, because he's like, oh, where's the booze?

And he's like, hey, here's this baby bottle. Even then, you screw off the top and you drink from it. Now you're like, ah, you fucking buster my balls. Screw up. But he's just in the back on, it's like, it's kind of disgusting. It's disgusting to watch an old drunk push broom moustachio gentleman suckle from a baby bottle. But it's also hilarious because he's doing it. And he's, like, worried about what's going.

Like, just slightly worried about what's going on up front. Yeah, it's like, you're not going to murder me, are you? My bourbon. Why were you trying to put me to sleep? I never mind it. Why do you keep saying, you're me? Where'd my glasses go? Why is all this gasoline in this car?

So he's, he, like, blows by a school. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay, I know where this is going now. And then there's JGL just riding his bike home. And I'm like, oh, man, are we killing kids in this movie? We've already killed one where we've got one child death. Oh, that's right. You opened with a child death.

You're totally right. There's a kid shot in the face in the first 62 seconds in this movie. And, you know, Baldwin, like, whizz is by him and does not hit him. But then, like, pulls over and Gandalfini's there. And this dude's just drunk. And they just throw this car. off a cliff to make it look like this dude just drove off a cliff and killed

himself for I guess to show the lesson is that he'll do it he'll kill anybody you know you got to kill somebody in some in front of somebody you know there's worst people in the world to kill Lenrodney I thought it was going to be a thing where he like turned on Gandalfini oh yeah and just like did

him right there like see I'll even kill my co-worker well I mean who's going to miss him Melinda the prostitute I mean she will miss him I mean, yeah, he was bankrolling, but... Her quarterly numbers will be way down. That bartender will presumably miss drunken Rodney who's in every night. And now Melinda's got to go into the city and she's got to get clients from the city.

Oh, man. Screws up her whole year. There is a weird thing while they're driving to where he just keeps screaming, who will protect you? Oh, my God. And it's going back to the whole like, I'm your boyfriend, right? And it's like, no, you're the mafia assassin. that's terrifying her.

Get the net, dude. And he's making her scream that the teacher will protect me. Yeah, it's really weird. They're both really, like, really going for it in this scene, just a bit much. There's a lot of over-the-top acting in this movie.

Baldwin is not right for this movie. No. I'm trying to think of other movies where he's played, like, the villain, but, like, the villain in a thriller like this? In a thrill? Because I was thinking,

because what he, The problem is that he's actually just kind of too comedic. Like, he makes sense and married to the mob because that's a comedy with the mafia. Right. So that makes sense. But, like, something like this. And Working Girl as well. Like...

But both of those movies have intentional laughter built into the script. This is all unintentional laughter. Well, in the late, in the mid-late 90s, he was going for these movies. May I bring you to Heaven's Prisoners, which is one of him and Terry Hatcher. And holy Jesus is that fucking stay tuned. What? I've never even heard of that movie. Man, it's nonsense.

Well, nonsense. That's our bread and butter. That's Chris Cabin's side podcast. Nonsense. Long O's, like four O's in that nonsense. Yeah, go ahead. Well, it's going to say there's that weird scene where, like, we get to know one of the jurors because, like, she might go out on a date with this dude.

Well, this is what she starts working the room because, like, you know, the case is closed. You know, both sides rest. Now they're sequestered. And then Alec Baldwin Springs this shit. Like, hey, guess what? I need you to turn this whole thing around, sweetheart. And she's like, well, fuck. And also, and this is a testament to how boring and shitty this movie is.

Sure. When they get sequestered in the hotel, did anyone else wish they were watching Pauly Shore's jury duty? Now you're making me think, oh, man, I would have loved to watch that instead of this. Because that whole movie is like, he keeps the jury hung so the sequestering can continue because he likes living in a hotel. And the honed acting chops of Tia Carrera instead of Demi Moore. You're just missing it. You're missing every hilarious Pauly Shore Tia Carrera interaction. Is that Andy Dick in that movie, too?

Or no, that's in the Army now. But don't they team up in another movie, too? I don't know. I think, I mean, jury duty is definitely a Pauly Shore solo movie. It's Dickless. It's Dickless, yes. In more ways than one, jury duty is a dickless film. but yeah so this oh and this is a thing i hate so there's sequestered in this hotel too

and she's like rooming with another juror and alec baldwin like calls the room which you're like the suspension of disbelief for the powers of the mafia sure really only takes you so far because it's like all right how did he find out the hotel room number of a sequester juror in a massively high-profile murder case right but then how does he get into the room next door to be like, meet me on our adjoining balconies? No, yeah, that whole thing, that whole floor is taped off.

And there's such garbage things in here where he gives her a cigarette and he's like, smoke this. So it looks like that's what you're doing out here, which she does for two seconds and then stops and just goes back to talk to him. There needs to be a thing where he's like, no, no, no, go back. The police are watching the whole hotel.

Like, stand on that balcony and fake this conversation. And he gives her the world's largest bug, I ever seen where he's like hey wear this necklace no one'll know it's bugged it's enormous it's like it's the size of a polypocket it is he's got a little polypocket which also you see him fashioning this device in his hideout and he's got this huge like life size rendering of her and he's like putting this necklace like up to the picture like yes this will make my jury girlfriend look sexy a poster size picture of her that he later makes out with he smooches the shit

Get out of this printout. That's some low-level shit. So she, you know, she's working the jury. Right. She's, like, finding out what everybody likes and needs to be able to turn them. And, like, she does it, right? She does it. And it's horseshit because this comes out of nowhere.

It does. Because she's just a clerk who makes shitty sculptures. You never once see her, like, work another person. He doesn't teach her how to do this. Like, at least give me that, like, misdemeanor. Miyagi-esque scene where it's like you got to find out their wants and desires and flip

their beliefs on them and all that shit. It's just one storyline way too many. Like if you wanted to... This movie is four storylines. There's at least seven endings I counted. So what you needed was this to be like 30 minutes in the trial is over. Yep. And then

you can do your little thing and then maybe at the very end she faces off with the teacher. Sure. That works. Or The whole movie is the trial. And when the trials up, the movie's up. That would be nice. My fucking seats up because I'm leaving the theater. And that would been more John Grisham-esque.

But so she's like working each person. And you see, the way they determine, like, you know, they show, like, follow her success is like the basket of paper votes. And like the not guilties are piling up and you're seeing like the guilty pile go less and less. She flirts with a surfer dude, gets him on her side. Right. No, no, no. He's a kayaker. Oh, I'm sorry. And because they say kayak like 10 times in 30 seconds, and he asks her out on a kayak date while they're both drinking 1990 Snapple. Yeah, big old Snapple. Whatever. You know what I mean? And she flips it, which is great, which should be, to your point, the beginning of the third act. This is the beginning of Act 2.4. It's such horseshit. So, like, this dude gets off. And in classic, the mafia fashion, the courtroom goes wild. like all of a sudden they're just like all right that's 12 votes not guilty and then it's like

da da da da da and they're just having a huge Italian party like right in the courtroom and the judge is like take your Italian celebration outside we know you rented a hall already that's a big Virgin Mary statue with a bunch of $100 bills comes through take the banners down we don't have the room for it and get these altar boys out of here. But also, at this point, I was watching the movie and I was like, oh, so, okay, we must be almost done. And then I paused the movie, 70 minutes in to a 118 minute movie. The balls on this movie.

It would make sense if it was 90 minutes and you ended that at 70 minutes. That was total sense. Exactly. But there's 40 minutes left of this movie somehow and enter the unlikable. Lindsay Krause. Oh, the Buffy professor. Yeah, she's always, David Mammett's ex-wife,

she always plays an unlikable character. Yep. Like, beat by beat. It's just like, and she's never like an evil character. Like, you know what? She's never like the villain. But like, even in this movie,

she's the prosecuting attorney. She's prosecuting the mafia. She's on the side of the angels, but everyone's like, that bitch. It's like, for what? What does she ever do to anybody? But it's weird because, like,

she, the whole thing, The only reason this movie continues is because she notices Demi Moore exchange a look with the guy who just got off, like with the godfather. Yeah. And she's like, say, that's probably why this dude got off just now. She was clearly paid off. I mean, that nobody just looks at one another. And instead of being like, you know, going to her house and being like, listen, Demi, I noticed this glance in the courtroom. And like, if I'm crazy, say I'm crazy.

You know, but her approach is like, I fucking know you did that. And I'm going to make your life a living hell unless you help us by testifying against the mafia. It's like if you're trying to convince someone to testify against the mafia, you need to kind of softball that shit. Kid gloves. Just a little bit of a kid glove here. Well, she's doing it both ways. She's like, I know you're probably being intimidated, but guess what? I can do it too.

I'll fucking kill Oliver. I'll burn your barn down with your kid inside it. And I'll get rid of all your boxes. So she refuses. She does because she knows she's being watched. And then, like, there's another Alec Baldwin intimidation scene. And she starts to figure out, like, well, maybe I should, you know, the only way out of here is through the mafia's loving embrace. You know what I mean?

Right. And she becomes very pro mafia, not pro Baldwin, but pro mafia, mainly because of the good graces of James Gendelfini in this movie. Oh, yeah. He's just a big old teddy bear. Yeah, and she's like, well, if Eddie's that nice, maybe the other mafiosos are also nice. They didn't kill children. The teacher killed children. Yeah, it's all the teacher's fault. And also, that's the other thing. If you fucking kill a kid in the mafia more often than not, you're going to wind up dead. Even if it's definitely dead. Well, and that's what Jackie Appreel says is like, you know, this whole thing is because you fucking killed a kid and they're really, you know, they don't care if like gangsters kill other gangsters, whatever. It's because you.

shot that kid in the face that there's problems now and it's like because Alec Baldwin there's a scene where he's getting paid by the godfather like oh thank you

blah blah blah and you're getting more of like the Jackie Appreel hates this dude's guts and it's at his kinsenera or whatever this thing is it's his coming home party it's whatever this is

his goddaughter's band is performing he's just in the kitchen and it's like here here's a suitcase full of money there is an awesome scene between the two of them that we glossed over

it's where like Jackie Appreel's like, you know, you grew up with us, but you're not blood. My father took you in this, that, and the other thing. What he starts doing is essentially calling Alec Baldwin a loser. And he's just like, you're a fucking loser and you don't have any friends. And Alec Baldwin like kind of looks at the ground and he's like, yeah, I said it. You don't have any fucking friends. Only a loser would kill a child in cold blood.

Yeah, and he's just like, he's harping on not having friends and how much he's a loser. And I'm like, you're in the mafia. Tighten it up a little bit. Why don't you act like a tough guy? You've paid him to slaughter. And, you know, at this point, when you're out to dinner with your friend, there's too much stuff going on, and he orders fucking, he orders car bomb shots, that's the Phantom Calabrians in this movie.

Because they keep talking about, oh, these guys from Calabria coming over, and they're going to take a, they're in with Alec Baldwin. I'm like, wait, what, and why? It doesn't make any sense. we learned that Alec Baldwin has some things in the works. Sure, to take over the family. With the mafia because he's got some of the boys from California

are coming in and you're like, well now wait a second. People from collaborating are coming in. People from California are coming. Where are you putting everybody? Also, in what universe is the California mafia anything compared to the New York goddamn mafia? I mean, you know, the

New York New Jersey hitman dude, they made an XFL team about it for a reason. And you know what? Demi Moore is getting a lot of shit from Joseph Gordon Levin because he's like, oh, I guess you turned over on, you let that murderer go free. I'm like, oh yeah. How do you not hit the kid then?

You know what I mean? Like, if you're in a hitting the kid relationship, which again, you should never do. But if you're doing it, if you're doing it, if you save this little jerk's life with his rotten little haircut and his cock dragon video game, and he's given you shit

about it? Oh man, would I be upset? That kid's not eating for a week. And it's not like he's just ignorant to it right like he's not naive he knows the score yeah he knows exactly what's going on and he's still like fuck you mom you have no spine because you turn this jury and whatever it's like she did it to save you and your kangal hat stupid no i got a button up now no i can't hit him now he did exactly what i asked him to do the first time so i can't do it now just mixed messages to the boy and it's at this point that uh demi more goes ape shit all over her boxes uh she oh yeah

She smashes all the box. No. No. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's, yeah. Oh, no. That's coming up. It's time. Yeah. So Anne Hay shows back up in the movie. She's like, oh, it's a shame. You didn't, you know, you let that piece of shit gumba go. Because everyone's using the fucking G word in this movie. Yep. Doesn't matter. And she's like, oh, well, I got a date with my boyfriend, Paul. I'll talk to you later.

And all of a sudden, the egg timer above her head goes off. Yeah, totally. That last piece of steak gets eaten. You hear, and there's no steak. stake left in the upper right hand corner of the screen. Because who turns out to be Paul, but Alec Baldwin. And so they go to a rave where she's like, put more ecstasy in my mouth. And he's like, I don't know if that's a good idea. And she's like, it's okay.

I'm a doctor. Put more ecstasy in my mouth. I know exactly what this is doing. And she's like drool it all over the place. Oh, man. She takes, I think this is like an unintentional, like this was the actor just flubbing. She goes to like sip back the ecstasy with some water and it just, dribbles down her mouth and you're like what and then they start making out like hardcore at this rave

and all of a sudden it's really sexy we get this sex seed which is outrageous and every it's like they were having sex underwater the amount of sweat that everyone has in this scene oh alec Baldwin looks like he just got out the tub like I don't unless they're having sex in Qatar this doesn't make sense like really like nobody sweat even if it's August I think people are wearing coats before this. You might as well be fucking on the sun. Yeah, they're in Qatar. They took a break from building those soccer stadiums to fuck each other. And it's so insane. And so he's like,

he's like, wow, that fucking was really great. Now, you have to do something for me. And she's like, well, what else could I possibly do for you? And I was like, how much of that sex scene got cut out? What were we missing there? Oh, a ton. Enough to work. up that much sweat. Unless we're in a fucking Bickram studio or something. It's not a, you know, it's not a fantastically edited movie, so it was a week later. And so he's like, the favor is, you have to take all these barbiturates.

And she's like, what? I'm a doctor. And he's like, yeah, just, just put it, put it in your mouth for your friend. And she, like, realizes what's going on. And then he just magically, they're, they're just bare ass naked. And where he was holding this. this gun, I have no idea. To be fair, though, they could have been having some Janice Soprano sex.

You know, she's got the gun on his head and, you know. Yep, you're totally right. Yep, you know. Just put it right in his mouth. Yeah, I mean, that was on Wednesday. This is Friday. Yeah, it's just, oh, they were just on this, like, week-long sex binge. Oh, yeah.

They got home from the rave, and then they had a week-long sex binge. And you know what? At this point, we see Anne Hache's breasts. And it's like, why movie? You know what I mean? I'll tell you why. The 90s. Yeah.

That's what this, I mean, this movie is the greatest example of that. Like, just like sex scenes. Like, and I fucking love sex scenes, man. Like, I don't have anything against sex scenes. But fucking put them in movies that need sex scenes. Yeah. Not this dumb-ass jury movie. Exactly.

And she's naked. And it's like, well, who is in the middle of this movie where a woman is getting threatened and a kid's getting threatened? I'm like, hey, I kind of got a boner. Like, what is? Because it's obviously. for men. It's not for, you know, it's, it's only for dudes in the audience to be like, it's

time to wake up dad and watch the juror. But it's also, like, it's really fucked up that it's happening right before she fucking bites it. Oh, that's, that sounds pretty interesting. Oh, my goodness. Now, now, let me, let me make sure I heard you straight. We scrapped the rest of the movie.

And we make a two-hour movie of just that. And then you are on at 8 p.m. Oh, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, it's it's mostly a legit film, you know what I mean? so you can put it on 8 p.m. And then, you know, kids are having dinner and there's fucking tits in your face.

And here's another reason why I have problems with these kinds of scenes, especially this late and these kinds of movies, and you just hit it right on the head, Steve, because these were the kind of movies you would rent in the 90s as like an adolescent.

And this, I mean, this is what, what are you watching was invented for? Because you're just watching this dumb-ass movie where some idiot rigs a jury because the mafia told her to. And then all of a sudden, this scene and now it's just awkward shit with your parents. Yep.

That's why these scenes are horrible because they just come out of nowhere and you're completely blindsided by it and the next thing you know, your mother thinks you're a pervert. What's so awkward about tits at dinner? Titch and guns. It's all that matters. In a Cidivac's household, we have tits out in the morning, noon, and night.

Time to do some growing up and growing up fast. Don't you maturely block that scene? You let those tits out. Martin Cinex the 4th will be five times depraved As Martin Cinex the 3rd So she gets murdered

She gets murdered Then you know It's revealed terribly also Oh God Because it's like she's not Cut to Demi Moore Not holding the phone near her And it's a muffled like

I just don't even understand Why she would commit suicide And you're like Who the fuck are you talking to And then she just starts smashing up this barns Well see I didn't even hear that, you know, that what was going on the phone, I thought it was

Anne Hache, and like he had doped her up and she was like trying to call but then it, and then all of a sudden, Demi Moore, I'm like, why is she? It's just, it's this voice you don't know who it is just saying and I have no idea why she'd commit suicide. The weird thing is why fake a suicide? The whole point is to send a message,

no? Like, blow her brains out or something. Like, you're a, you're a high-powered mafia so-and-so. You walk to Prince. Nobody knows who you are. You walk away. Yeah, you need to make it a violent death. Sure. As the mafia's known to do. We're just going to go to Guatemala.

You know what? Let's just stop everything. Well, the first trip to Guatemala. There's so many trips to Guatemala in this movie. And you have to be like, hey everybody, remember back in like the first 15 minutes of the movie when that blowhard called her

for some reason about coming down for a carnival and she told them to piss off? Well, now she's just going down there unannounced. going all the way from New York to Guatemala, unannounced, to see this guy and be like, all right, we're here, you know, watch my kid, I'm going to immediately go back to New York. And he's like, what, I thought we were rebuilding our lives as a family, whatever. No, I got the sixth ending of this movie to deal with. It's not like it's going out to the North Fork of Long Island.

This is Guatemala, and it's not even Guatemala because it's Guatemala, you go to Guatemala City, you get on a bus for a long time. Oh, yeah, you're totally right. And you go to some to obscure village that's out there. There is some bullshit airport thing going on in this movie where she runs up and she's like, I got to get on this plane at Guatemala. And they're just like, I'm sorry, it already left. And then this woman is just like, oh, but there's another flight to Guatemala going through Houston that leaves in two hours. Well, no, that's later when Alec Baldwin and Debbie Moore race to Guatemala.

Oh, that's right. See, there's so many trips to Guatemala in this movie. I'm just mixing it up. So she comes back. Like, the dude's like, really, we're not rebuilding our lives as a family? Okay, I'm just taking this kid. Oh, by the way, yeah, now I'm just saddled with your kid. Great.

Sure. I was so excited. Listen, full disclosure, the first 10 minutes or so after you told me that you weren't going to come down for carnival, I was kind of upset. But then I started thinking, say, Randy's got this year's carnival all to Randy. And I've been making all sorts of plans. Sure. So the fact that you came down here, you are now ruining Randy's carnival.

I've been to all the bars, been laying all the seeds I can. Exactly. Getting things prepped. And she's like, sorry, watch this kid. And goes back to New York. On a suicide mission, too. So it's basically, that's it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And by the way, if she had just stayed there, movie would have been fine. Movie over. Over. Over. And Al Baldwin would not have come. He says it very clearly. No, well, that's the stupid thing. It's because she's gone for a while, right?

That's the stupid thing. This is the single stupid thing. She's gone for a while, and he's calling up all of her friends. Like, do you know where? I heard Annie's son was in a car accident. What, what, you know, do you know where she might be? Blah, blah, blah. He's calling everybody. Oh, yeah, he's pretending to be like a doctor or something.

And I didn't know where he picks up the picture of this guy. The actor's name is Matt Craven. He's like, oh, that must be it. And he looks at it, and he sees the guy he's with is in ceremonial garb. And he's like, wait a minute. And he pulls out some bullshit encyclopedia that has the exact. ceremonial garb but it's like oh that's the exact city in what the fuck guatemala that she has to be in so glad i bought this copy of national geographic yeah oh i oh that must be the

guatemaral and carnival she went to i know all about that and soy chi of course it's soy chie oh man there's no reverse image search on google just yet so shut the fuck up out baldwin you need interns to figure this shit out you need like six interns and be like here i I think it might be this picture. And then three weeks later, what I was like, wow, I think it might be this area. Well, that's what it is.

You need, like, Paul Lazar and the other guy from Silence of the Lambs, like the bug nerds, to be like, oh, we'll analyze this for you and get back to you about it. You don't know, fucking the mafia has nothing but interns. A bunch of guys that want to get made. So you know what, Dad? I got a sweet internship this summer.

Fucking interning with the Mafia. Deal with that. I don't want to be a stockbroker, Dad. Oh, man, I had to learn how to make sauce. Oh, that's step one of any mafiosa thing. You got to shave it with the razor blade, man. So it just melts right in there. Um, Goodfellas will make you hungry, right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. So she comes back and she's like, oh, now she gets in it with Lindsay Krause and she plays some double bluff with the mafia. So, yeah, she's like, she goes to the, the DA and she's like, I will wear a wire. Sure. And they're like, are you sure? that's pretty obvious. And she's like, no, like, he won't touch me or something. It's bullshit. Yeah. So she's like, I'll wear this wire and whatnot. So then they meet up. It's him. It's her, Baldwin and Gandalfini. And she opens her shirt and it's like, there's a wire. And she writes down like, hey, James Gandalfini take this wire and go for a drive and I can talk to him. Yeah, you want to get the best actor in your movie out of the scene as fast as possible. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's who? Okay. And you're going to take the masterful one. And put him in a car, and he's literally going to drive to like a hamburger stand and eat while listening to Classic Rock Radio.

The one that's not acting like he's in a Tarantino movie. Okay. Yeah, that one. So they have this bullshit talk by a lake, and he's like, wouldn't it be great to live here and forget all the things I've tortured you with over the last few months? Wouldn't that be nice? Just make a life together? The creep is lied.

He goes and he's like, I want to finish this job, and then I want to go with you and all. And all I want to feel is love. Oh, man. And I'm like, man, oh, man, somebody shoot this guy. You know what, Frankenstein's monster? Like, this is not the route to a relationship. Like, find love elsewhere. Sure, you're a good-looking dude.

You got a sweet 90s haircut. You got a bunch of cool leather jackets. You picked up Anne Hache really quickly. He's presumably pretty rich also. Oh, of course. I mean, he's living in this warehouse, but wherever the teacher's actual abode is. And he doesn't have to pay rent any. more.

Yeah, he murdered that landlord. So he winds up saying some shit about the boss, right? Like, that's how she gets him. And that's where he's talking about the boys from California are coming or whatever. So she then goes, then she's playing telephone with the fucking mafia. She drives. And of course, the boss is at some cemetery for some funeral because the mafia is always going a funeral. In this case, the mafia has a mausoleum because it has buffano right on the fucking top of it.

think he makes a mention about they're like having a memorial for his mother and I don't think it's a recently deceased thing it's like we're just going there we're probably conducting a little business but we're also going to say a couple of Hail Mary's you probably talk in the mausoleum they can't wire the mausoleum they can't and this is the scene where they say my absolute favorite line in this movie it's so awesome because this guy playing the mafia boss is like not great no he's very very low tier and so she goes up to them and they're like Whoa, whoa, whoa, eh, y'allah, hey, oh, why. And James Gandalfini's like, no, no, no, it's cool.

She's fine. We're good friends. It's all right. And she says to the boss, she's like, do you know who I am? And this dude goes, of course I do. You're the juror. I was fucking eat shit screenplay. Come on.

Do you think it was capitalized in the script? You're goddamn right it was. Well, actually, I think, isn't it Tony Blanco who plays Bafano? Because he's the guy from the honeymoon killers. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, wow. Wow, good pull.

Anyone who has not seen the honeymoon killers, by the way, check that movie out. Absolutely best. So basically, she's like, look, he's talking about how he's going to bump you off, blah, blah, blah. She's got a tape recorder. Yeah, she's like, listen to this. Also, Alec Baldwin, you were really, she shows you the wire and James Gandalfini, who's still in it at this point. Yeah. They see the wire.

Oh, well, we don't have to pat her down. Of course, it's fine. He's in love, and James Gandalfini is kind of like a disillusioned mafioso at this point. I guess he's on the fence at this point, at least. At least with Alec Baldwin. Yes, he's tired of the teacher. Yeah, I can't take killing kids. That's it.

I won't go that far. I didn't disassemble the body. It was really, it was horrifying. Yeah, you know that that was all on Gandalfini. Alec Baldwin's pulling the trigger, but he's the one with the fucking saw in the middle of the night. He's fucking just shallow graving. There's red lights everywhere. The big problem is to nickname the teacher because that's not how we nickname ourselves.

I wanted him to be Andy D. You know, something with alliteration, something with a little pizzazz. Like, look at me, I didn't use the alliteration, but I'm Eddie, right? And I'm a tough guy. I'm Eddie the Butch. It's pretty great. Your predecessor, Pete the Porcupine. He's great.

He had a fantastic haircut. Only use knives. You know, whatever. And so she, she's like, this movie's over? Yeah, you're like, okay, so it's going to be a nice twist. The mafia is going to kill him, and the mafia saves the day. I'm all for that. And that's why I was like, holy shit.

Like, this is a, this is like the mafia are the heroes of the film. It's like birth of a nation. The clan ride in on horseback and save the day. Well, it's happened in a few movies, a little deus S mafia. You know what I mean? You just, you twist the mafia in the right way and they come on somebody like a fucking horde of bees. Actually, next of kin. Oh, yeah, next of kin.

The mafia is. It saves the day. The mafia saves the day Well, the Hillfolk Mafia Well, no, he kills Oh yeah, you're totally right At the very end of that movie Instead of killing Patrick Swayze

Oh, you're right DayusX Mafia So Baldwin gets hip to it And he's like an international terrorist Spy genius That's the thing, he's the Jackal Yeah, he is the Jackal Working for the New York, New Jersey Mafia

The Jackal's got to start somewhere I guess right So he shows up to this beat Gandhift is like, hey We gotta meet Yeah, just that the boss wants to meet. And, like, first of all, you never, no Mafia Man worth the salt is going to go to somebody at 12 noon and say, hey, we need to meet at 4 p.m. Come by yourself.

No, no, no. You get in the car now. You don't get to pick anything up. And we're just going to go out for coffee. And it's just like, we know how that goes, you know? So we get to this, there, and here's the other thing. Where are we going? Oh, down on the waterfront, sort of under a bridge, but far away.

Like, oh, okay. like start putting it together and you know then there's this whole thing like oh I heard the recording you got boys from California coming this that and the other thing you know my son here is going to murder you now you have a nice day and he goes and he gets in his limo

Alec Baldwin gives him a suitcase full of money look I'm trying to buy my way out of the mafia here's the money right and so he takes it and then like he's a bad he figured you out Alec Ballard will blow your brains out he's like hey Eddie look at your father and he looks and the car explodes oh it's great

It's a nice one. But then he turns into Jason Bourne. And he's grabbing guns. He's using Jackie Appreel as a fucking bullet shield. He kills all these dudes with just precise skill. And you're like, no, that's the jackal. That's Jason Bourne. That's not this dude who grew up in the house of a mafia man.

But also, if that's what he is, I want to see more of that. Oh, yeah. I want to see more Jason Borning. Because this scene kicks ass. Explosions, murder, bullet shield. and then he just shoots, he pushes that dude in the grave. There's like a shallow grave here meant for Alec Baldwin.

He does even a nice menacing hop into the grave and shoots this dude in the face no less than three times. After he says Bada Bing. The Gandafini match was great. Yeah. Oh, it's great. And you know what? Speaking of Gandafini, again, the best actor of this movie, hands down, doesn't even get

a death scene. It's all fucking screen. He gets his throat cut while he's watching the game. Yeah. You know, it's by Alec Ball. And Alis Baldwin's drunk and he calls Demi Moore. He's like, you betrayed me. Anna, you just made me kill my best friend. And this is also one of the scenes where he's sweating like he's in Key West.

Like, just like pour and sweat. As he's like, well, now I have to kill Oliver. You know I have to kill Oliver. You know I have to kill Oliver now. Now fuck you. So die. And he sort of explains like his thought process to figure out where in Venice or in Guatemala they are. And he's just like, so then I thought this.

And then I thought, well, if that's that, then this is this. And then this is this. And if you were me, then I'd be you. And I'd use your body to get to the top. And you're like, what is happening? And he's like, so by all of this, I would then know he's in that town in Guatemala that nobody knows about. And you're like, on what planet? And then it turns into it.

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world. Because they both put their hats on and get their derbies and drive to Guatemala. It's a race. It's so stupid. And again, how. because there's got to be literally probably one flight per airport to Guatemala a day

right like that's how that shit works and yeah so she Baldwin gets on his plane and she's about to board it with him but it just you know she just misses it and she's like my baby's gonna die in Guatemala oh my god and they don't call security

exactly well you know what though because it's a flight to Guatemala they hear that shit eight times a day okay yeah yeah yeah we know your son's gonna be murdered okay please sit down and then this lady's like oh by the way there's a flight from guatemala in houston in this many hours and shut up and it must take half a day to fly to fucking guatemala all the guatemala fights are gonna be in the morning yes you there by the afternoon so we're back in guatemala the carnival is in full effect this dude is doing some weird stuff because he's leaving joseph gordon levitt with people while he seems like some kind of anthropologist probably

You know what I mean? No, he's a doctor, I think. I think he's a doctor. Oh, well, that's what it is. He leaves JGL with some lady because he's like this guy. You see some dude with a head injury. I think he's got drunk at Carnival and fell over. He's like, I got to go attend to this guy.

And then Alec Baldwin comes to town. After he kills a gay man for no reason. There is. Very jackalish of him. Yeah, and it's off screen. And I feel it's a little bit of a deleted scene. Because there's this dude, and he's like, yes, I speak English. I'll take you wherever you want to go kind of a thing.

And he's got this nice, like, Land Rover. And he's like, oh, you don't have to pay me anything. We know what that means. Yeah. And so then, like, this dude's, Alec Baldwin's using his shirt to wipe blood off of a dashboard. But then you look, and the car is dirty as shit. It looks like it fell into some, like, embankment or something and got covered in mud. So there's clearly a deleted scene where, like, the dude is hitting on him or something.

And he's like, I don't like that. And, like, Buckles his scene. seatbelt and shoots this dude in the neck and the car crashes into something but we don't see any of this Jason born action and you're like well obviously Alec Baldwin's got so much of a head start how is Debbie Moore

ever going to catch up well luckily there's a cartel involved because she's at the airport and there's no cars she's like I need a car my son's going to die in Guatemala like you're in Guatemala but here and then this cartel is like hey lady she's like waving money around

so she's like here take all my money, just get me to the city. They fucking take a buy plane there. So wait, is this technically a DeiSX Cartelia? Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Okay. In two instances in this movie, do crime syndicates play key roles in furthering the story?

Key heroic roles. Absolutely. Normally, we would cut your throat and pull your tongue out through it, but in this case, we'll actually take your money as an exchange for a service to fly you to this remote village. Take the tire off her head. Get the gasoline away.

So, yeah, it's now it's a cat and mouse scene, and Gordon Levitt sees Alec Baldwin, and he realizes being chased. So he runs to this temple, right? And this is where this movie, and you know this movie you could tell is from a bad book? Because it feels like it's a book that was like 448 pages and like 196 chapters. You know, one of those? Like a real Dan Brown. I was going to say, in the business, we call those Dan Browns. Yeah, every chapter's three pages long.

and that just keeps you moving. Well, considering the amount of story, I would think it's more like play as it lays, and it's just one page. Yes. It's one chapter per page. Oh, sure. So, yeah, and now we're getting

a little legends of the hidden temple, which means we're getting a little racist. Yep, yep. Because we're in this, like, seemingly abandoned temple, and he's like, oh, I have you now, Joseph Gordon Levitt. And some dude turns around, and he's got some cloak on, and he's like, what is this natives what and all these people like come out of the woodwork they're all just like animals

yes they have like these masks on and i guess it's like part of the carnival but fucking come on but i don't even know who these people are because they all pull out guns too yeah just like animals and like what is this a fucking zoo and he gets shot like up to shit and i'm like who told these people he was coming how did they know what to do where did the guns come from what the fuck's going on From what I can tell, it's assumed that JGL did it. Oh, all right. Like him and Matt Craven, because Demi Moore could not have landed, got there, and figured out this whole weird way of getting him to this one spot. But if some little turd with greasily long hair and a backwards cangle cap.

Some little gringoes coming around telling you what's what. And he doesn't speak your language and is like, hey, come murder this dude. Like, follow me if you want to murder this guy. because it's not Matt Craven. Matt Craven's out of the movie. He's helping that dude stitch up his head. Well, he comes back when at the end of this little thing, he's there. Oh, well, because Baldwin's like down, but he's not dead.

And Demi Moore has a gun. And Joseph Gordon-Levin's like, oh, my mother, I love you. And he's like, get that shitty kid away from me. You're going to get a smack. I'm going to shoot you next if you don't behave. And, you know, she just shoots him in the fucking head. It's not even that good of a shot. She just shoots him again in the chest.

Yeah, it's really boring. There's not even... He says like a nothing line. That's the thing. We're the same thing. Yeah, we're artists or whatever. We're the same. And she's like, no, we're not.

And just like murders him. And he's trying to pull a gun out of his ankle. Yes. Which, again, is stupid because she should just kill him immediately. Pretty much in cold blood. Yep. I always hate that thing where they have to make him go for the gun so that, like, Like, she has a reason to do it.

It's more just cowardly. It's a cowardly movie move. Like, I just want to see her blow him away because A, he killed her friend. And B, he would never leave them alone. Also, who's coming looking for this guy? We're in Guatemala, baby. We're in Guatemala, baby. And everybody back in New York and New Jersey, wound him dead anyway.

Yeah, totally. This is about as clean as it gets. Yeah, this is as a good as a killer gets. Yeah, no, you're right. It's a pussy move on the part of the screenplay. And then that's it. Then, and a real pretentious thing about this movie is, like, he's dead, whatever, fade to black, and then we fade up with the same, like, the, you know, the scales of justice, you know, painting. And it's just like, the jury. It's like a DVD menu.

But it's even worse than that, because between those two things is they go back to the carnival and they light death on fire. Oh, no, no, no. And here's the thing. it's not death because Matt Craven explains this to JGL that what they're burning is an effigy of Judas and there's you're right

there's Judas burning right before we transition into the juror DVD menus select for audio settings no it's actually over this time my god the amount of endings of this movie it's just nuts

you could cut that whole Guatemala shit out you could cut it the whole thing right out have it just be the mafia because the mafia makes so much more sense we're done there maybe the police come the police never show up again by the way also are we living in Guatemala for the rest of our days at this point you would have to we kind of

have to right I think that's the deal because you burn the DA she put the DVA hard like you go back to New York like the second you touch down on soil you're getting taken in yep and then it's like they will they will force you to testify against the mafia because they have

shit on you now like you dupe them you you know I'm sure it would be some sort of obstruction of justice call Sure, oh yeah. You know, so you're living there with this dude, who I hope is that kid's father and your ex-boyfriend or whatever's going on. Whoever he is? Not just some scientist friend of yours? I mean, I guess it's just because they want to be able to sell the fact that she's single.

Like, that he's just the best friend or that he's, like, away from it. Because, like, I don't get why you even make it so, like, vague. But if this is a movie about, like, jury and mafia intrigue, It doesn't require a love story. No, not at all. It doesn't require Guatemala either. It certainly doesn't. It doesn't require three trips to Guatemala.

Three fucking trips to Guatemala. What other movies done that? It's two, but there's a phone call. And it's the zigzag element, too, because we're getting on the plane. We're getting off the plane. We're getting on the plane. She must be exhausted. Would anybody recommend this movie?

No. Oh, no. you know I love me some James Gandalfini Stay tuned for Terminal Velocities Got great James Gandalfini in it Oh yeah It's pretty fantastic

But even And he's doing the thing that he always used to do Which he was really great at Which is like Play the dual sided character You know really sweet in one scene But terrifying in the next Oh yeah

That was like his calling card That's why he got the Sopranos That's why he was as amazing as he was God we're just talking about him in the past tense and it breaks my fucking heart it kills you a little bit. Chris Cabin, you recommending the juror? No! Get away from it. It's an hour and 58 minutes for no reason.

I mean, you feel every minute of this. Every goddamn minute of it. Now, if you're cutting out all the things, I'm not recommending it either. If you're cutting out all the things that we're saying you should cut out, do we have some semblance of a good thriller here or no? If this ends, like, if it was the scene where the mafia was going to kill him, and for some reason, Demi Moore was there.

to confront him and he had killed everybody else and he had got one shot on Gandalfini and he's got her in the grave and then Gandafini gets the kill shot and then he like drops on her that's the movie I like to watch and it's 82 sweet minutes

oh yeah you're not even cracking an hour and a half oh yeah I mean because there's enough elements here that's a lot of fun and blah blah it's just it's the bloat it's the fucking bloat it's the bloatiest the bloatiest dragon dickie movie. Actually, it shines

Return of the King in a very nice light. As far as, like, amount of endings you want to put on your damn movie. Because at least with Return of the King, you're like, all right, well, you know, the adventure just keeps continuing and we're just following them home from vacation. And I'm in an invented world, so there's stuff

to look at and people can think up stuff here. That's great. Oh, weird. Sam wasn't gay. All right. Sure. Yeah, right, by the way. That's the juror from 1996, directed by Brian Gibson. If you want to get a hold of us,

check out sideshownetwork.tv or find us on our website, wh-h-M-podcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at W-H-M-Podcast, right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at Gmail. Clue for next week's episode.

Nick Cage. Nicholas Goddamn Cage. And you know what? I'm going to say it's probably not the one you're thinking. Yep. It's not. I'm just going to leave it at that. So take out all your, you know, the ones that you'd think we'd do.

Next week, it's going to be a nice, we love movies week here at We Hate Movies. But Nick Cage, we love movies. Do with that what you will. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. And, you know, Sam's wife had a very Frodo-looking haircut, is all I'm going to say. Stephen Siddick. Take it easy.

Thank you.