We Hate Movies - S5 Ep199: Face/Off

Episode Date: April 14, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang swaps faces with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in the insane 90's action flick, Face/Off! Why not just suck it up and set this film in the future? Why give Travolta a haircut after you cut his face off? And how was Joan Allen not hip to the alternate genitalia? PLUS: Sequel when? Face/Off stars John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, Joan Allen, Gina Gershon, Alessandro Nivola, Dominique Swain and Nick Cassavetes; directed by John Woo. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Zadak. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. If you're new to the program, thank you for tuning in. This week, I feel like we're getting some letters this week. Yeah, relax everyone. Hold on a second. Chill out. I don't love this movie, but it's 1997's face off directed by John Wu. Someone on Twitter was like, oh, you know, I think honestly, or somewhere on the internet, maybe it wasn't Twitter. You know, honestly, I think it's his best American movie. And I was like, that's not saying anything. You know what I mean? Like, look at that. lineup broken arrow win talkers they're all winners but when talkers is not a winner that was paycheck or payback or pay check is paycheck

Ben Affleck tries to get payback in paycheck okay I mean this is just a really fun movie to look at because it's silly look at it's really silly uh it's two and a half hours long it's 17 minutes longer than Star Wars you got the exact minute count I did. I looked it up. That's outrageous. I mean, here's the thing. You very correctly, Steve, said, look at. Because to listen to this movie is to, like,

gently stick a cue tip in your ear and then lay down cue tip side down on a pillow. Because, I mean, this dialogue and the performances spitting out these words, it's just terrible. And the musical choices are downrighted out, Furian. Like, there's just, the musical cues is, They do, Papa's got a brand new bag in this one, too. Do they ever?

If you don't know, the basic plot is John Travolta and Nick Cage end up switching faces. And, of course, we all know this is based. This is a remake of the face-off movie starring Carrie Grant and Jimmy Stewart. And both are great. Could you imagine that, though? What, if there was a face-off movie with Carrie Grant and Jimmy Stewart? Yeah. I think the only time they appeared on screen together was in Philadelphia's story.

And face off. Faces off, 1945. No, mother, this isn't my face. It's James's face. Well, now, goddamn, your face. I want to take his face off. Well, you know, it's interesting you mentioned Jimmy Stewart because Nick Cage is very close to Jimmy Stewart a lot of the time with his, like some of his dialogue. especially when he does have his face off

he doesn't have lips so he's like I want to take his face you're totally right he does sound a little you know Jimmy Stewart esk in this movie yeah maybe that was it it popped into my head while I was watching this

and I'm like yeah now this movie was so massive like when it came out and then I didn't see this in theaters but I know everybody saw it on home video baby I must have rented this movie like 12 to 15 times right I forgot where I was... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So here's what I... A little experiment. If you have not seen this movie, quickly pause the episode. Just tweet at us at WHM podcast and say, I've never seen this. Because that would surprise me. Yeah.

It would honestly surprise me. It would shock the shit out of me. It's not super surprising, though, because we're like... We're the right age for this movie. I can imagine if you're like five to ten years younger. It's like, face off, which one's that? What's Nick Cage doing?

Is that the one with the rock? Like, no, that's actually the rock. That's the one with the airplane? No, that's... on air. Well, I mean, there's bound to be people who haven't seen this movie because also every once in a while you come across one of these bozos that are like, yeah, I never saw Star Wars. I don't care.

They got a laser sword. Well, I mean, yeah. I guess I'm just more curious how many of our listeners have not seen face off. Because I mean, I feel like also, this is another movie that's on cable a lot. Oh, yeah. You're putting up with this a lot on Sunday afternoons. They like

it on cable because it takes up the whole afternoon. afternoon. You started at 2 o'clock. You put in commercials. It's over at 7 p.m. Then you're in prime time, baby. I often mix up this and broken arrow. I mean, both are John. I mean, not mix it up, but it's just like some of the scenes kind of blend together. Yeah. Mainly because John Travolta is one of Hollywood's biggest hams. Oh, it's a ham sandwich in this movie. It's insane. Like, some of the original casting for this movie, we had, of course,

the Stallone Schwarzenegger possibility, Harrison Ford and Michael Douglas was another possibility. But you managed to wrangle the two hammiest actors working in the 1990s. The premise is so dumb that I think that's the way

you have to go with it. If someone, if they were being more serious with this movie, it would not work as well, I don't think. But that's the thing, sometimes this movie does get serious

and it's like that hospital scene where he's like, you know, and it's just like, oh man, just fucking shoot something and get a bird out here. That's the shit that needed to be cut out, man. Yeah. Well, that's what's impossible. And that's why I was saying to that guy online, like, you'd be hard pressed to find, like, a totally awesome American John Wu movie because

John Wu's style, this, like, artful action movie thing, doesn't translate out of Hong Kong filmmaking. Like, it doesn't make sense. And when you watch this movie, you're like, what the fuck is going on. Like, there's no way John Travolta and Nicholas Cage are doing all these flips in the air while shooting guns. Like, and it's all this hyper choreography and everything. It doesn't

look good. It's not suave. It's not artful. It's just Nicholas Cage and John Travolta farting around for almost three hours. Almost three hours. Can we start with what I think could have been a better movie, which is the beginning

of this movie? Mary Go Around Assassination. I was going to say Freddie Mercury Child Assassin. That mustache he's got... Because he's got his, like, Nicholas Cage Caesar-ish haircut throughout this entire bad movie. That was like his 90s haircut. I think he's got a similar haircut and snake eyes, too.

Yeah, I mean, it's a piece in case anyone was curious. It's a real piece. But it's like a piece that's mad. It looks like a carpet sample on his head. It's disgusting. And he's got this mustache and like these little sunglasses. I'm killing kids. I'll make the rocking world go round.

And I don't like Star Wars. That was an actual queen lyric. You got a real hard odd for Star Wars. Yeah, I'm sorry. That's just me. Eric was getting bullied on the internet at work before he came here. He's always in a mood when he gets bullied about Star Wars at work. So, you know, we're on a carousel.

And John, Nicholas Cage, Castor Troy, is ready to show. shoot and kill Sean Arster because Castery is your standard 90s movie villain, the international white super terrorists. Right, yeah. Perfect for a diehard movie. Not so much here. And that name, that's Caesarish

as well. Well, it's super. Yeah, a little on the nose, too, if you're looking for it. Yeah, Julius Caesar, Marcus Aurelius, Castor Troy was there. His brother Pollux we meet a little bit later in this movie. Oh, Caster and Pollux. Jesus Christ. But yeah, so he's

trying to assassinate John Travolta because again it's a thing where Sean Archer, John Travolta's character is such a fantastic FBI agent. Oh, he's the best. And he's such a hot shit FBI agent. Oh, it's so hot. That like, he

has this globe circling blood feud with this terrorist, right? Like, when do you see this? We're like, like, someone is going after one specific FBI agent. Nobody knows who's

on their case. You know what I mean? Or like fucking with their family. Like maybe the mafia sometimes. Hannibal Lecter. Yeah. If you're good enough, you know. Everyone else is just amateurs, but this is a super terrorist. But why isn't Nicholas Cage like arch enemies

with Margaret Cho's character? She's on the same team. He's fairly indifferent to her. To be quite honest. Or Bunny Colvin from the wire. He's even higher up in the FBI than John Travolta. Or the old man, Lizarro, the old dad from Fargo, this guy's great in this movie.

Oh, man, that guy's had it up to here with John Travolta. He's like the only character that was murdered for being an asshole. Because in Fargo, like, that deal's going great. And then all of a sudden, he's like, no, no, let me see my daughter. And it's like, well, Steve Bishammy's like, look, dude, I don't want to kill you, but now I have to because you're being an asshole. You're breaking the rules. So hilariously mustachioed Nicholas Cage

shoots John Travolta in the back And it goes through him And I guess shoots this kid in the face You don't really see what's going on He assassinates this kid Yeah, I'm a merry go round And so then it's six years later And we're still, we're hot on the trail

And we don't know what the inciting crime was Oh yeah, well like, I mean it's just It's years and years of being in a lot Yeah, there was a shot of, I took a, glance over Sean Archer's shoulder and I saw his computer screen and I was going through all the super crimes, the super terrorist

Castor Troyes committed. Oh. And one of them was it was killing the Croatian ambassador. Yes. Wow. Is that that important? I know it's a country and it's great. But

is it that important? Like the ambassador? I mean that's what I want to know like was this ambassador crooked. So Nicholas Cage, we cut to him six years later. He's dressed up as a priest. Oh, man. And, you know, in the first scene, it's like, it looks like you're going to see a stoic action movie. Like, the kid gets killed and you're like, oh, fuck. The stakes are high. And can I tell you why that first scene works? Because nobody's talking. It's dialogueless. It's true. But it's got stones. It kills a kid. You love child death in cinema, Andrew Jupin. And this happens.

Oh, yeah. Like the first three minutes. Oh, no. It's awesome. Like I said, all the action in this movie's awesome. And this first scene is beautiful because it's just like perfect artsy orchestral music. You got a suave ass assassin with a mustache and tiny sunglasses. Oh, yeah. And then this gunshot goes off. The kids, it's all

done really well. And then the second people start talking, you can start flushing toilets left and right. So he's dressed up like a priest. He's undercover. He's wanted by everyone in the world. And don't wear a mask or like a wig or anything. just put a priest outfit on.

And he's dancing. Like he puts his bomb in the LA Convention Center and he starts dancing because there's a choir or whatever. And he starts like groping this young girl. It's, I mean, and this girl's into it. Like the second a priest goes up behind a girl and goes, la la la la and grabs her, people have swarmed on him. I mean, it's this huge concert.

They just presume that he's singing along with the choir. He's acting like they're doing a fantastic job with this hymn. Meanwhile, he's like groping this chick and licking her. ear and this girl's all about it and you're just like wow castor troy rock star terrorist but then you know he could have gotten swarmed and maybe they just moved him to a different parish yeah now here's my question though because when he sets this bomb he sets it for like weeks in advance yes why not an hour because we're told like the bomb like the blast radius is a mile Yeah, right?

Set it for an hour, go to the airport, get in your plane, and leave, and the bomb goes off. That's how it works, because otherwise, I'm thinking the janitor just threw out your bomb. This last... This is going to blow up Michael Massey's Garbage Island. This bomb, I mean, this movie takes place over at least two weeks. Can we agree to that? Yeah. And in the last, you know, I guess like day or so of this whole thing, three days maybe...

Yeah. Like, Nicholas Cage, as John Travolta goes and diffuses this bomb and gets all the credit for it, and granted, there is still another, like, hour and 15 minutes left of the movie. But why wait that long? He has to say something like, like, when he goes to the jail later and he's trying to figure out what's going on, like, oh, see you on the 18th? And I'm like, isn't it like the second? It's so much time to wait for a bomb to go off. There's this weird thing where, like, there's somebody that paid them to do it and blah, blah, blah.

we never see this organization at all it's just shadowy figures somewhere oh is that true did I miss that yeah they're like oh we're not going to get our money because of something yeah everything castor Troy does has a dollar sign in front of it that's right yeah you're totally right he's not fighting for like a cause or a creed he's fighting for a paycheck

kind of terrorist and you know because uh John Travolta is an emotionally shattered FBI agent he's not very good at his job because Because they get a hint, they find out what plane he's going to be on and when he's going to be on it. And they actually have the presence of mind to put an undercover agent on the plane. Right. But they don't have the presence of mind to fucking get them at the hangar. They have to wait for this thing to start taking off before they swarm.

And we're getting ready to go to the airport. And this is like the first of, I mean, it's endless. We could be here all day and all night reciting of the bad lines that John Travolta gives in this movie. but the first one is he's fighting with one of the superiors about whether or not Nicholas Cage is going to be present for this plane taking off because they know that Pollux Troy

the younger brother has like rented this plane out and paid in cash and blah blah blah and he's like Pollux doesn't fly without Big Brother and I'm like oh great I'm just to listen to that shit for two and a half hours he also says you could brand the Fourth Amendment

on my butt there's a couple of times where and we're saying fuck all throughout this movie Oh, yeah. And there's a couple of times where butt is just placed in. And I was like, what were you worried about at that point that butt had to be used? We're going to turn it down, change some of these fucks to butts. You can still shoot that kid in the face, but you get some butts changed from fucks. All right, we can get some cartoon breasts.

All right, check mark for no reason. But you change that ass to butt. So what a shock. This whole thing goes south. This woman gets murdered. Nicholas Cage, like, shoots her in the head and throws her off the plane. After shooting his tongue down her throat. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's the famous peach. I could eat a peach for hours. That's very Jimmy Stewart's. I could eat a peach for hours. Oh, say, Sally. Look at that fine peach there. I like to take a bite out of that peach and just consume it. Mr. Potter hired me to blow up the LA Convention Center.

I wish I had a million dollars. Better kill John Travolta. Sean for it. Hot dog! So he murders her and like now we have this huge hangar fight which I mean

I think these action scenes mostly are great but there's always like and it's kind of I realize that last Mission Impossible movie but I felt the same way in that one like I start to tune out if an action scenes like maybe more than six minutes it's got to be a pop song is what you got from

for me once it's like and then this happens and then this happens and that's the thing and what you realize is we're like almost a half an hour into this movie

we're still talking about faces no we know nothing about faces no one has said the word face once at all and we're in this airport hangar and he's still just trying to capture him

and you're looking at your watch like when are they going to switch faces I paid a ticket to see face swapping his face is on so you know whatever a bunch of FBI agents get murdered and, you know, a lot of the henchmen that, you know, they have

are murdered or whatever and he's kidnapped or captured rather. He's in front of like a jet engine or what have you and he gets like blowback yeah and he gets thrown in like he's in a coma essentially. It is a great fight sequence law too because you got just random people being shot by shotguns flying

around. The dude, one of the dudes from PCUs playing an FBI agent in this movie, he gets shot in the ear which is pretty great. Which is pretty great. Was that also, now, correct me if I'm wrong, was that also Lewis Carruthers from American Psycho? Yes. He's in everything.

He's in, he played Johnny Cash on Lifetime. He's, I think he's. Oh, he's in everything. He played Johnny Cash on Lifetime. That's, he started that fucking movie, all right? Was he on the Oprah Network, too? No, he was also on Big Love and so on. Yeah, he was in Big Love.

He's in a lot of stuff. I think that dude might also write and or possibly direct stuff, too. Sure, he seems like a very talented man. He's very talented to getting shot in the ear and then later the head in this movie. Oh, man. That's a really good thing. So they, so, like, Judge Rolter receives the first of two applause as he gets at work in this movie. Oh, man.

And this first one is awesome because they're like, you captured Castor Troy, so Sean Archer's fucking good. Well, everybody thinks he's dead. Like, there's like false information going off. Oh, right, right, right. Yes. Oh, yeah. You're like, you killed that son of a bitch. They're like, yeah, they're all cheering for him.

And he grabs, he's like, you know, we're celebrating how many agents we lost, blah, blah, blah. And he goes in his office and he comes back. He's like, no, okay, fine. And he grabs the champagne bottle. And he's just like, he's like, all right, yeah. How about this? How about Anderson and Janelli and Montgomery and winners? And he's just naming all these people that his dumb ass operation got married.

You know what? It's all on. you, John Travolta, let them celebrate the victory. You fucked everything up. He's a terrible boss and he's a terrible father and he's a terrible husband. This guy's just plain rotten.

So we're all celebrating and we're like, we killed that son of a bitch. I can't believe it. We're so happy. And the good news is everything's gravy. And I'm like, uh-oh, huge bomb in the convention center that's going to go off. Well, huge bomb in L.A. We don't know where it is. Right. It's going to go off sometime,

eventually soon. Maybe. And the only person left alive who knows the location of this bomb is little brother Pollux Troy, who's been, he's been arrested. He's in custody. But how are we going to get Pollux to talk? And John Travolta, you know, thinks that through his like hardcore FBIing, he can get some of the clan and the crew to talk and roll on presumably dead Nicholas Cage. And we've got like these shitty scenes of him interrogating. Nick Cassavetes, the useless, what's her faces? Gina Greshon is, whew, that, you want to cut 20 minutes out of this movie, cut Gina Gershahn right out. It's so useless. The only reason that character exists is so she can die and then they can, like, adopt her son at the end of this movie.

Fucking replacement kid. We'll get there, but it's bullshit. Nick Casavetes in this movie cuttles like Matt Fruer with the bane serum. He's like enormous and jacked and bald. He's got a really great burn on Sean Archer because he's like, Sean Archer's like, I want to fucking nail your ass to the wall. And he's got this whole thing. He's like, what are you going to do about that?

He's like, how's your dead son? And it's like, oh, what a burn. It's so great. And like Travolta flips him over in this chair and he's like putting a gun right to his mouth or whatever. So this is after, all this interrogating, by the way, is after they have explained to him the face off program. Yes. Because the fucking. it's oh man it's so stupid but it's like it's like so how can we do this well the only person who knows

where it is is castor or pollux troy and the only person he would talk to about it is castor troy who's dead and then like dude from fargo and cc h pounder just like actually nicholas cage and john denfeld is like don't tell me and he cut to this hospital bed he's in a coma god have you thought of doing like maybe a fake phone call you know Hey there, little brother. I'm alive. I'm on a definitely not tapped phone. Or hey, how about a deal?

Like, you know what I mean? We'll communicate your sentence. Tell us where the bomb is. We killed your brother. You know what I mean? Like, we'll call it a wash. Yeah, totally. Tell us where this bomb is.

We'll call it a day. And you can go on to being... Well, I guess he's not good at being a terrorist. That's the other thing, too. This guy's supposed to be, like, simple and not really all. there. With some hardcore American police work, you can get a false confession out of this guy and then get him

to roll over on where this bomb is. Get a couple of phone books in a dark room. Yeah, I'm sorry, but the quiet genius person, you know, like this guy is, that's just silly putty in the hands of the right cop. You can get whatever the fuck you want out of them.

Just stretch him a mile long. No one's going to care. No, no, not at all. No one's giving it. That's the other thing, too. No one's given a shit. Torture this guy. You beat him half to death. You get the info and then you shove him in a loony bin.

Or you know what? You're the FBI. Just kill him. To be fair, guys, this is Clinton's America. So, you know, it's a little. That's true. I don't remember those simpler times. This is all blowjobs in Albanian wars.

Everything was wonderful. And a huge budget surplus. That's why he killed the Croatian ambassador. That's it. It was about Kosovo. And so they're like, all right, we have the, the only way that we can get this information is for you to cut your face off. We're going to cut his face off.

We're going to slop it on to you. Nope. That's the end of movie. Nope, not at all. And, and, oh, the best ever movie reasoning is, and it can only be John Travolta because he knows castor Troy better than anybody. Nope. Get some, like, expendable-esque suicide.

squad dude to do the operation and put a fucking earpiece in and John Travolta's listening to everything. Get an actor because you know what? You know what I'm really good at? Do an Excel files. You know what I'm not good at? Impersonating other people. There's a difference in the skill sets.

Or get anyone else but John Travolta to do the experiment. Like why is he even on this case? He kept the castor try killed his son. He's an emotional wreck, this entire film. But, you know, movies, sometimes you're going to suspend. disbelief a little bit.

Oh, you're suspending all of the disbelieves for this movie. I'm actually in the middle of writing a think piece called The Science of Face Off. Oh, you should definitely, yeah. I would love to finish. My first draft is a JPEG of a toilet seat that somebody pissed all over.

You know, when you go to the gas station, you're like, well, I can't even go to the bathroom. Because there's sharing all over this toilet seat. I was excited. I thought this was more of a salon type of thing, but you're talking BuzzFeed. I'm out. That's my bus feed reel right there.

The 10 signs you are unqualified for a face-off operation. It's 10 pictures of piss on a toilet. It's 10 jiffs of piss on a toilet, please. And so he agreed. They can't find anything. And they're like, okay, here are the ground rules. You can't tell your wife for no reason. Yep.

And we're going to put you inside the super prison, again, which we'll get to. and we won't tell the guards for no reason. We won't tell Margaret Chow. We won't tell anybody except for CCH Pounder, the guy from the wire, and the doctor. That's the only three people in the universe. That's it. That's it.

Those are the only ones. That's ridiculous. And also, wouldn't it take like a month or three or five for that face to heal? Oh, this is some next day shit. He's got this thing on. And like the originally they were going to place this movie in the future, which would make so much.

more sense. Sure. But John Wu is like, oh, you know, I want the emotional drama to feel more real, so it's got to be present day. You know what about emotional drama? I cry every time I watch the wrath of con. Okay? Every fucking time. And I cry every time I watch

Demolition Man. So just put it in that Demolition Man future. Exactly. But here's the thing. If you are going to do this, if you are not going to set this in the future, we're sure fine. We may have fucking face off power, okay?

Then you have to take out the super jail that you send him to, because this is a goddamn future jail in this movie. Well, it's very reminiscent of where we send terrorists now. Except without the whole, like, magnetic boots thing. Yeah. Can we talk about the

operation? We have to talk about the operation. Oh, for sure. Oh, God, it's gorgeous. Because I got an impression of the operation actually I've been working on. So, you know, they're lasering out their faces. Oh, yeah. down this like face grabber apparatus and it just does this great thunk i just love that it's like you can get right it just sucks your face off it is a nice thunk you know what it is it's like

back in the day when you do a drive-thru at a bank and you'd put the tube yes it's that's the sound that's john woo's like the foley dude was out there recording things at bank drive-thrus now you're totally right so they suck his face off and the funny thing about this about this operation and this is a show one of those things when when you don't watch a movie in a while and you rewatch it you catch a little things like so they go through the whole thing but first of all john travolta and nicholas cage couldn't look any less alike i'm sure there's like a three inch height difference john travolta's fat oh yeah he's also don't nicholas cage is really skinny yeah like travolta's more broad shoulder yes it makes no

his hands are different like everything about this guy yeah couldn't be any more different. Oh, yeah. And the idea that you can just like Photoshop a face onto him and he's going to be the exact same person. I want to see like a realistic face off where it's just like he's coming out now from doing the procedure and he just looks horrendous and weird. Like he's like struggling to live. How is it that towards the end of this movie when they're beating the shit out of each other, mono and mono going at it, how are you not having effects of like the operation getting fucked up.

Like, how are their faces not falling off? They should have totally fallen off. Right? Like, come on. These skeletons fighting each other. Give me two meaty skeletons

fighting each other. So they're like, okay, what we're going to do here is, you know, and the doctor's like, well, the height and weight are pretty negligent. He's like, yeah, right?

He's like, we're going to suck out your love handles there. So they're going to give John Travolta Lipo in this movie, which I really want to see. And they're like, yeah, we're going to do this, that, and the other thing.

So they cut his face off. And then once his face is off and he's a big festering face wound. They're giving him a haircut in the operation room. Which is insane. This is what I want to know. It's crazy. This is what I want to know because I noticed the haircut this time too. And my thought was who's giving this

haircut? Because here's the thing. Robots. No, it's clearly a person that's doing it. Oh, really? Oh yeah. You see hands, there's gloved hands, and someone's doing a dye job on him and they're cutting the hair while his face is off. While the face is off. There's a bandages on it.

Find me a fucking scientist that can cut and dye hair. Find it. Find that scientist. Find me that scientist. Maybe there was a salon guy there too. That's what I'm saying. You have to rope in a salon guy in this fucking face-off project. It's so not sterile.

Have you ever gotten a haircut? Don't you get it in you like three weeks later? You're wearing that shirt again. Oh, there's still little hairs in there. Oh, yeah. That would be in your face. In your face. And it's just not even covered up.

There is actually, when they're getting ready to do the before or after. He's sitting there and he's like, like making all these noises. And Bunny Colvin from the wires, like, what's wrong? And he's like, my face itches. And the dude gives him a face massage, probably because there's hair in there. There's hair under your face skin. It's crazy. And like the fact that there's no infection, nothing, like just whatever.

There's not even a stitch. It's just laser beams or something. I don't understand how. he heals. Again, let's say this movie takes place two weeks because they say the 18th and that's a soon enough date. It seems like it's the next day. Dude, if someone gets a nose job,

you've got that thing on your beak for two weeks. Maybe both of them are super mutants. Like Wolverine. Okay. Well, that's the only way Wolverine was able to get the adamantium skeleton is because of the healing ability. Yeah. And that's why Wolverine and John Travolta, Nick Cage could all jump around a lot

and do like massive fighting. All of these flips. so they put his face on ice they're like all right we're going to send you this super prison don't worry we're not going to tell any of the guards because that would ruin it why are you not telling sadistic headguard John Carroll Lynch about what's going on

why not what is what is the benefit of keeping the entire prison staff in the dark I would be like hey look there's this guy coming in he's got a fake face don't let anyone touch it because that shit's just going to fall right off yeah we had to really like We had to skip a couple of steps because we're on a time crunch here. I think it's just like paranoia that like, oh, someone on the team, I don't know who is probably beating information.

Yeah, you're totally right. That could be what it is. But it's still, they go too far with it. All you need to do is find out where the bomb. Like this movie could have been over quick, right? That's the idea is he gets in there. He finds out. He leaves, which almost happens.

Also, I mean, yeah, the whole thing is we're going to get you in. You find out where the bomb is. We'll get you out. put your face back on and why we have a two and a half hour movie is because 50 minutes into this movie nicholas cage as castor troy wakes up from this coma and gets john travolta's face put on him and apparently the fats all put in what where where did it come how does he become fat here's the thing remember in fight club when they're stealing all the fat out of that thing to make the soap yeah he's just drinking it no i mean i guess maybe if you can

pull fat out, you can fucking push it back into somebody else. You got to do it slowly so that the skin expands, you know. Again, something you're not getting done by the 18th. Stop it. And dude, him just like Nick Cage smoking a cigarette with no face,

walking around this thing. Talked like Jimmy Stewart. We're trying to up the Jack Nicholson Joker scene with this, because we're not we're not seeing this head on. The closest you get it is in the reflection of the scientist's glasses. It's a pretty cool, effective thing. I think I actually like to, you don't have to show the gore, but you can see it.

That's even almost more effective. This movie's pretty well directed, FYI. He's a good director. It just doesn't translate to American movies. Steve, you're the comic book expert. Now, I was watching this and I was like, is this where they got the idea for the new 52 Joker? They've got that in the garbage somewhere. What is that?

I have no idea what you're even talking about. You just said that, and I was like, is he speaking a different language? Yeah, I mean, I don't, I didn't actually read it. but apparently the new Joker caught his face off. And he puts it back on with, like, duct tape because it's super extreme, bros. Yeah, it's stupid. It's so gritty.

That's really stupid. It is really dumb. They cut rid of it immediately. Like, it was only like for six issues. And everyone was like, that's dumb. And they're like, oh, but now it's different. Oh, they got rid of it? Yeah, he's a regular looking Joker now with a cut of mod haircut.

How did they explain that? I don't know. Some magic unicorn came by her hair. This week. on the Joker and he's just played by someone else. That's all it is. You just hit the nail in the head Eric. So basically what they

do in this movie is they cut the face off. They do all that stuff. And then a magic unicorn comes in that they've had in the back that they got from the unicorn wars. They have a couple. Right. Of course. And then Nick Cage is like I'm going to ride you, Betsy. Let's go over

the rainbow. Also, in this jail, apparently the Geneva Convention is invalid, as John Carroll Lynch says. That's probably true, right? I mean, it's not valid for anything anymore, right? You can't even wipe your ass with that anymore. Also, this is, do we talk about magnet boots? Well, we mentioned it earlier, but yes, they have magnet boots. It's a future jail. It's also a future jail because this thing is just a big floating barge. Yeah, it's like an oil rig. Yeah, great.

Sure. Also, if it's a thing where you're, like, out on the top of something and Nicholas Cage is going to jump off it, I just want to watch the rock. Yeah. And when he breaks out of the prison in this movie, I'm like, I wish I was watching the rock. What's amazing when he eventually does break out of this prison is the fact that he just jumps into the water and then it cuts to him back in L.A. Yep. Oh, oh, you know, didn't think to show him swimming for five days. with a face that's barely taped to his face

the double-sided tape is totally going to fall off you guys so he I mean and again like Pollock's Troy would fucking roll over for in a second if you put him in a super jail exactly and he's getting by just fine nobody's bothering him and here's the thing word would get around because the word on the street is Castor Troy Nicholas Cage is dead

yeah so oh your big bad brother's dead well your fucking prison meet oh my god so I guess he's in the jail now, right? He's in the jail. He makes friends with, did anybody catch this? A very nerdy, hippie, Thomas Jane? Yeah, it's a weird performance. I don't know why he's in this movie. There's a

couple of those. It's a graveyard of 90s losers. And he's there, and yeah, he's just there for unspecified reasons. Actually, the funny thing is, for as high tech as this jail is, you expect it to be like, this is the worst of the worst. This jail's filled with all of history's greatest monsters

or whatever it is, right? Right. It's just like kind of a totally, fine not yeah yeah it's a regular schmegular jail population it's not like you meet thomas jane he's like yeah i fucking killed 14 little girls and ate all their bodies or something like that it's none of that even he wouldn't get in this stuff but see i wouldn't get in he wouldn't make the cut for this super jail it's like getting into harvard or pre-k and brooklyn it's very tough

But the thing is, like, I'm actually convinced that jails like this exist. Oh, really? Like secret? Secret like black site jails? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they're all over the place. We just found one in Chicago.

There was that CIA black site. Yeah. They're everywhere, man. They're everywhere. And I think, you know, you got, you definitely have to be above child eater to get into this. So you're telling me that everyone in that jail is like an internet. national super terrorist. Well, or national.

Or regional. I don't know. A regional terrorist. Small town terrorist. That's he got to start. And computer crimes, too. Oh, yeah. That's true. They keep you away from all the keyboards and everything. So I can't with the superjit.

Like, it just, it stops the movie dead and it takes forever. And it's like, it's the one extra element. Like, you want me to swallow this garbage face off procedure, which is garbage. Yeah. And then you're like, and now we're going to space jail. It's like, well, what year is this? What are we talking about? Because that's the thing. Like, I'm buying a ticket or renting a video cassette.

I know it's a movie about you know, the dude from fucking raising Arizona and the dude from Saturday Night Fever swap faces. And because I'm renting the video cassette or because I'm buying the ticket. And you're a hundred years old apparently. Also that.

You know, but like, that's the contract, right? Like, I understand. All right. It's a face swap movie. That sounds pretty stupid. Whatever. But nowhere in that written agreement does it say anything about a super future jail is acceptable. It's just another dumb thing to tack on to this. And you're already, you're already suspending my disbelief for this operation.

It's just adding locations for John Wu to get his next action set piece, you know? True. So, Castor Troy is now in this jail. And, of course, everyone's trying to beat him up because I don't know why. well there's the there's the dude another dude from the wire who was also on true blood he played andy on true blood and his whole thing is uh like he hates nicholas cage and he like john travolta as nicholas cage doesn't know why and the brother's like don't you remember you had yourself a sex sandwich with his wife and her sister or something like that and i'm like oh of course because that's the other side of this not only is he like an international super terrorist who formerly had the best mustache i've seen he a while but he's also just you know bagging all sorts of tail in this movie of course of course he's a lethario oh he's the best of letharia he could turn it around on a dime brother he's just the coolest guy ever he's a super cool guy he has two gold guns 70 suits all over the place

he could eat a peach for hours as we're told you know the whole thing so then he has to turn to this fat cop you know that's that's that's his hell so yeah they get into a fight, whatever. He makes a friend. He barely makes a friend out of this guy. And then John Travolta as John Travolta shows up, because this is when John Travolta starts doing his performance. Nicholas Cage is kind of fun as the villain. Right. And pretty good as, you know, the struggling kind of good guy going mad as the bad guy. Right. John Travolta is just, I hate him as a villain so much. I hate him in any high-energy performance ever. Yeah, I mean,

let's reference the remake of taking of Pelham, one, two, three with the... Lick my bunghole, motherfucker. Yes, the seminal line, lick my bunghole, motherfucker. Him in swordfish. I mean, Trevote... Him in Broken Arrow. Yes. Oh, yes. He's the same fucking

character of Broken Arrow. He says that line in every movie. Yes, dude, he's just telling everyone to lick his bunghole. Oh, wow. And he's just, dude, he's woo! All over. Oh, he's woo-hooing up and down the block in this. And he's like conducting always and spinning and dancing.

And I can't fucking stand the second of it. Now, I think for safety's sake, we have to go against a usual we hate movies trope with this episode. Because I feel if we keep just saying Nicholas Cage and John Travolta, things are going to get to do. It's already gotten there. The good guy is Sean Archer. Yes. The bad guy is Castor Troy. I think we have to keep it at that.

Yes. Eric, you are correct. It is getting a little confusing. But here's the thing with that. Castor Troy, am I talking about Nick Cage and Superprision? Because that's technically Sean Archer. Oh, shit, you're right. All right.

So let's just... Good guy, bad guy. Yes, let's just tread lightly. Yeah. We'll just hold our hand. We'll get to the end of this episode. Now, what I want to relay is, you know, sometimes when we're watching these movies for the show, right? We'll be watching them simultaneously, not with each other,

but you know and we'll text about the movie and Steve you and I were like I think you were like 10 minutes ahead of me while watching the movie and so we're texting about it and I said to you who's worse in this movie Nicholas Cage or John Travolta and what was your answer? I said John Travolta you instantly answered John Travolta

was all capital letters right and I said I don't know Nicholas Cage is pretty terrible in this movie but you were ahead of me enough in the movie that you had got to John Travolta Wukuing yeah it's and I had not and the second that happened I said I've never wanted to retract something harder in my life.

I regretted saying that so bad because Travolta is hands down the worst of these two. He's like Rick Flair in this movie. He's like, woo to everybody. Eric, where do you stand with this? Who's worse? Oh, I'm team worse is Travolta, yeah, for sure. Hands down. Well, because he, I mean, like, again, all they give his best role, Saturday Night Fever, Mr. Cotter, Pulp Fiction.

All very stoic, you know, like, you know, monosyllabic, kind of like cool guy performances. Yes. Once he starts dancing and jingling around, I have no time for it. And that's why the- Well, unless it's Pulp Fiction. Okay. Because even that is a reserved dance. He takes his shoes off to dance in that movie.

That's how reserved it is. He's got a problem with drinking an $8 milkshake. He's not woo-hooing anywhere in Pulp Fiction. Absolutely not. He's getting shot to death on a toilet. He's a heroin. an addict. He's pretty fucking cool in that movie. So, he

comes in, John Travolta appears as the bad guy. Yeah. And Nicholas Cage, as the good guy, sees what's going on. He's like, oh, no, no! His worst nightmare is confirmed. Interestingly enough, they put on the TV, we're talking about

when he's on the television? No, when he comes and visits him in prison. Oh, okay. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of us. And he's, yeah, oh, well, yeah, that's ridiculous when he's later on the TV. But he comes in and he's like, oh, see something familiar? Look who it is. I have your fucking face now. Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo. And it's a real like, what are you going to do about it? He explains, I got your face and I got your fat. Lick my bunghole, motherfucker. And he, he says that in that Pelham remake. And it's terrible. He says it. Who does that in Washington?

did. So he explains like, listen, I dumped gasoline on CCH Pounder, Bunny Colvin from the wire, and that scientist who did the operation. And then I burned the whole lab down. So sorry, see you later. What about the other people that did that operation? What about the lady giving him a haircut? The nice lady that gave him a haircut?

I guess they got killed too. So they could never get that haircut undone. Well, John Travolta had. that same haircut. I mean, that's the haircut he's gotten broken arrow. That's the haircut he's gotten phenomenon. Michael, he's got a mullet. Or like a big scraggly thing going on.

Sure. Now, now, the present day, John Travolta, he has... I don't know whose face he's wearing these days. Well, I'll tell you whose hair he's got on. It's Nicholas Cage from this movie. He's got the carpet sample haircut. You can just see those plugs from space.

It's terrible. It's so terrible, man. And he's just, he's woo-hooed, you know, and he's like, look, I got this. I got your face. I also, I've changed my hands to look like your hands. Cut the way. We should be called hands off. Well, Nicholas Cage, as the good guy wants to say,

keep your hands off my wife and daughter. Oh, yeah. He's, I'm going to fuck your daughter. I'm going to fuck your wife. He's doing the tongue thing all over the place. Yeah. Oh, Castor Troy. And, you know, he's like, enjoy prison motherfucker and, like, leaves him.

And he takes his brother, too. He's like, oh, you're going to sign a deal with me, blah, blah, blah. Right. Yeah. And now because the FBI bots this operation so hard, no one in the world knows who he is. Here's the thing. If you're doing this, like, you need to plan it. If you want to keep it secret, okay, fine.

Tell your wife. Tell, no, if you want to keep it secret from the family and whatever, that's okay. You have another FBI agent. Get Margaret Cho in. If Margaret Cho, here's the secret. here's the deal. Here's what's going on. And in the off chance that this gets horrendously botched,

which Sean Archer's track record of botching all sorts of operations, he's dating people that have died in his care. Totally. We're going to send you to a safe house in I don't know, the Czech Republic. You're going to Prague until the

18th. Like that, you know, so you can't be found tied to a chair dumped with gasoline and burned. You know what I mean? Like, you need that safety person who's away in a bunker that there's no way if Caster Troy wakes up from this coma and

puts on Sean Archer's face, he will find you and kill you. Well, she's like, but boss but he looks nothing like you. I mean, you've got a bigger ass. I mean, like, what, how else? What if they come up and they ask you about all the different levels of Scientology? What are you going to tell them? You better start, you know, studying up on all of those. Do you think Scientology

rejected Nicholas Cage? Like, they They gave him that test, and he's like, no. He was too crazy. Yeah. It's like, shit. You know, if we let him in, I'm going to be calling him boss soon. No, they tried to audit him and the cans exploded. What?

I think that guy might actually be Lord Zinu. Which is a bad guy, by the way, right? Zinu is a bad guy. They'd have to do something about it. Unless he got his face off with the... Oh, I'd be so fucked up. Tom Cruise and Lord Zeno. who get a face switch

so you know the bad guy goes home and we have the wife Joan Allen and the daughter

who I thought was Maggie Grace but then I forgot that this movie was made in 1997 it's Dominique Swain yes and she's like

the punk rock princess in this movie well no she's goth because she's troubled because this whole family is totally fucked up

because the kid got murdered right instead of being a man and being like you know what maybe this game this FBI game ain't for me right let's take let's mend our

wounds and be a family he's just like no I'm gonna fucking kill him I'm gonna kill him I'm gonna come home and bring this shit home every single night until he's dead and then it'll be over with but until then put up with it that's the best actually so when rewind back to when John Travolta was still John Travolta when he thought he killed Castor Troy comes home

celebratory's like oh Joe and Allen it's gonna be so good now because you can tell everything's terrible because, A, his daughter is goth, which is telegram, movie telegram for terrible fucking life. Oh, well, yeah, bad parenting, too. Bad, lazy parenting. Yes, exactly. That's the movie telegram.

That's what it's trying to tell you. Absolutely. And he goes to John Allen's like, oh, it's going to be better now. Janie's going to be normal. And like, we're going to go to counseling because I killed that guy. And it's like, and what he does. Oh, man. And he totally puts it on Joan Allen, too.

He's like, whatever you want to do. Whatever you want. This family needs counseling. It's not what I want or don't want. You dick. So then when he comes home, when the bad guy comes home and he's dancing all over the place. And he's like romancing her and all of this shit instantly, you're like, this isn't him. Like there's no.

If my dad came home, like, and my dad like, you know, gruff cop dude, right? If he comes home singing him. and dancing. I'd just be like, there must have been a face-off situation. Or I would be like, you know, the old man must be having an affair. There's the great moment where, like, he's driving through the neighborhood,

and he's like, what a piece of shit neighborhood. Look at this shit-ass house. You know, because he's used to the best of the best, right? Oh, sure. Right, yeah. As a bad guy. Yeah, he resides in, like, a raved castle. And he drives past the house, and Joan Allen's just, like, standing outside. their arms cross and he's like, wow, look at that bitch.

It just keeps driving. And he's like, oh, wait, that's his bitch. And like, rewind or, you know, drives backwards. Yes, reverses. Rewardses, yes, sorry. I'm going to rewind this car. Hey, before you bring this into my auto shop, you better have rewound it. And she's like, don't try that flirty shit with me.

I'm still mad at you. Well, because he says, oh, it's all going to be different, baby. And, you know, we're going to get counseling. I'm going to be a person again. She's like, well, that'd be fucking nice. And then he's like, oh, sorry, I have one more job to do that I can't tell you about. Yep, exactly. Just one last job.

Which, wouldn't she then be like, you told me you were going to be gone for like weeks? Yep. And you showed back up like three days later or something. Something. And why are your hands different? I mean, I can't get over the hands. And we'll get to the next part, which is the next part. So he's like dealing with the daughter and everything, too.

Is that what you're talking? I meant just when they fuck. And like how on earth does she not know what her husband? Yeah, is this a dickoff? Is there a dickoff happening here? I wonder if there was a porno parody

made of this movie called cock off or dick off or something. If not, there should be. And if there is one coming, we get a piece of the past. Why would it be coming? This movie's almost 20 years old for the anniversary, brother. Yes, the anniversary and when we movies talks about something, it reaches a point.

point. Someone in the porno parody office is like, finally someone's demanding a face off parody. But how on earth if you've been fucking a guy for 20 years? Yep. He comes home with a haircut. You're like, hey, nice haircut.

He comes home with a different dick. You're called the cops. Listen, I know. Did your husband get the different dick procedure too? Joan Allen, you might want to talk to the police. oh no baby my dick

just became uncircumcised that happens I'd spice things up and get a hood installed they make some the doctor does make a remark about like you have different blood types but your wife won't notice anything with that

or you know whatever or polly's won't check for that the different dick thing she's never going to figure it out well listen that marriage is in shambles So maybe he's like, yeah, don't worry you about the dick thing. Nothing's happening in that department anyway. She's not going to remember it. Well, the thing is like there's no way they had a dick off because he was,

it was only supposed to be a short-term thing. Yeah, you're totally right. Unless Pollux Troy needs to see, let me see your dick, brother. I need to know what's going on down there. Because he kind of even like in the beginning, he's like, oh, what's going on there? I think you had a face off surgery. And he's like, no, I did it. Yeah, he's totally like, oh, what was the name of the, whatever the,

fuck you know he's like testing him but why what there's no there's no way someone would guess that it's an imposter and there was a face of swap surgery you show me the beauty mark on your dick they don't make mention of any like tattoos or anything like that you castor troy's probably got a dick tattoo of course of course he does oh john travolta scar there though. He has to get that back. Yeah, he gets it off and they're like, oh, well, you'll have to remove it just so you look so you. That's the only thing separating you from Nicholas Cage, Chantapulta. It's a scar. But Nicholas Cage almost died in this fight. Like, who cares if there's suddenly a scar. Yeah, exactly. Well, what's awesome, though, is he's like, I want that scar back, though. Give me the scar back because it's important to me. And my thought was, where are you keeping the scar? It's not like a phase. where I guess you can just keep it in that aquarium that they keep it in. I'll tell you where they keep it. They're not keeping it.

The doctor's just like, yeah, okay. And then they put them under, and the doctor just started stabbing them with the scalpel. All right. Yeah, that looks like a bullet wound, sure, yeah. Get a little more umph in that. Just keep carving them up like a turkey. Yeah, twist.

So, I mean, that's when the movie stops dead from me. Like, well, how on earth does she not know what is dick looks like? I mean, totally. Come on. Come on, everybody. But again, though, I mean, we did bring up a good point. it's not the fault of those doctors because they weren't anticipating this other person

waking up from a coma. And again, even if he's in a coma, posted security at all time. Exactly. If Hannibal Lecter's got a doctor's appointment, there's security around that hospital. At least cuff him to the bed. Yes. And wouldn't she notice that she's got all these STDs now?

You're goddamn right. Castor Troyes loaded with something. He's crawling with all sorts of things. things guaranteed. We saw the Rave Castle later in the movie. He's having people suck his tongue. He doesn't know who they are. I mean, that's how you get herpes. He's eating peaches for hours? Absolutely.

And can we just point out, I think maybe I mentioned it, but Caster Troy's got all sorts of different moves in the bedroom than John Travolta does. Absolutely. That is a real like whimper and a cry sex. Yeah. And I mean, like he's he's like all like scrabbing everybody and doing stuff. Like he's got a different style.

yeah that's one way to put it Papa's got a brand new bag Oh man So that's the next scene Is like the daughter is just like In a skimpy outfit And he's like ooh The plot thinking it's John Travolta

Ooh Wooo Woo sexy daughter Yeah Thank you movies Reminding me of incest Sure I mean this girl

Is emotionally ruined At the end of this movie Right there's just no two ways about No, yeah, you've got to just kill it and start over. Soft the earth. I think the thing is, after this whole thing, the three of them just part ways. Yes, you break up as a family. Dominique Swain is old enough.

She could go, you know, down to a pier and find a way to live on her own, you know. Or college. One of the other. No, Steve, she's a filthy goth girl. She's not going to college. That's true. The movie told us that. All right.

The movie dams her by being a goth girl. There's been goths in college? I know that, but John Wu and other screenwriters apparently don't. All right. Look at that demon. There's no higher education in the future for that demon child. So she's like smoking in the bedroom. And she's listening to James Brown.

Find me one goddamn goth girl just sitting around listen to James Brown. Find me most any teenager sitting around listening to James Brown. goth girl or otherwise you know what it is fat white guy music that's what you're listening to and he's like he's like oh mind if I get a smoke and she's like what he's like there's going to be a lot of

changes around here and he like goes up to her like he's about to grab her ass like he goes like oh oh I need something I need something from you and she's like well oh my god oh my god this is the end of my life that's it that's it that's it uh and then he's like I need this cigarette she's like

okay i'm still emotionally scarred from that exchange because that was a little flirty and then my dad got a little flirty with me the other day and she he's like papa's got a brand new bag and he does like and he starts dancing down the hallway well doesn't he blow smoke rings too he blows smoke rings right in her face and then sass sashays down the hallway with that cigarette like ooh being bad is so good and you just want to fucking kill yourself. That scene should have been replaced James Brown with actual goth music. Get Bauhaus

on there. Of course. So you could get John Travolta to go down that hole and go, whew, Bella Lagos, he's dead. Also, Bauhaus, like, definitely cheaper than James Brown. As far as licensing, guaranteed. Yeah. But no one

will know what it is. That's true. But then you can't get that great Papa's got a brand new bag, pun. La la la la la la. Um, so then... Lick my bunghole. Yeah, exactly. It's a lick my bunghole

motherfucker moment. So he winds up as John Travolta as the bad guy who knows where the bomb is. He goes and disables it and becomes the hero of the bureau and receives his second applause

at work. But this second applause is much more welcomed by this John Travolta. And he's like dancing all over the place and everyone's loving it. He does, he does disarms the bomb with a second to go

so then the news crews are interviewing and stuff and some line like like if the terrorist is listening I just want to let them know that interception now our side's got the ball and met with a thunderous

round of applause from the news crews around them come on nobody gives a shit about I mean I love cops I think they do a great job nobody gives a fuck about cops in the news you know what I mean like no Unless they're cannibals. Yes, exactly.

Cannibals or monsters or whatever. Nobody's like applauding cops. I don't know like what the latest hero cop in New York is. Like nobody knows that shit. Nobody knows it. But also you don't have any cops that are like taunting terrorists on the local news. Because that's a bad idea. A.

Yeah, I think if that happened, if like an FBI agent got in front of a camera and was like, Interception, now our side's got the ball. Essentially a coded. my bunghole motherfucker. Yeah, that's the subtitle. You have translation in parentheses. Like, everyone would be like, that's a terrible idea.

I can't believe he just like waved red to the terrorists. Also really weird. You operate a black site prison. And you decide to have full TV privileges on a big screen, like projected on the wall. Well, I guess they're magnetic. stuck to the floor. So where are they going to go? So we'll give them the local news and entertainment

tonight. We'll pacify their masses. So he goes back to the office. He gets the applause and he's dancing and I was like, wow, look at him. Dance. And then Margaret Chubbs's like, excuse me, sir. When did you have the operation? He's like, the face off operation? It's so stupid. He was like, oh my God, I think she knows what the face off? I'm just like, well, what operation? It's like, how'd you get that stick removed from your ass? And like, everyone laughs. And if I was him, I'd be like, oh, you mean my dead son? Are you talking about? Yeah, totally.

Oh, to stick up my ass. You mean me mourning my dead son for six years. Also, you're suspended. Have you ever lost a child? You're suspended for a month without pain now. Absolutely. Yeah, real fucking hilarious. I'll see you in May.

That's what you get for singing your boss. It's so unbelievable. And the room kind of, I mean, some people I think here, but other people are like, oh. Because listen, if someone comes in who is notorious for having a stick up their ass, one day off from the stick up the ass does not necessarily mean this is a changed person

In this case it's literally a different person Yeah, well he's got a face off yeah But you know you have to give that like a couple weeks Like you know what boss like I don't know what happened But it's it's been really great around here The last couple weeks Like you've been really fantastic

You've been wooing a lot more You dance a little bit And if anything not in the middle of the office At a happy hour At a bar somewhere you can make that joke. You can't make that joke without a pint of beer

in your hand, is what I'm saying. You're still on the clock, not making that joke. So he's dancing around and, oh, man, oh, man, when he's like, is this the part where the secretary comes up and she's like,

sir, the president's on line one and your wife's on line two and he's like, tell the president to hold. And then grabs her ass and it's like, oh, he comes in the middle of work. Oh, my God, the sexual harassment here.

Although I would have liked to have seen him answer the phone with the president and had John Travolta from Primary Colors answer the other end. Oh, man, this movie could have used a double role for sure. Why not starring John Travolta? Face off, the Clumps. Oh, no. So Nick Cage wants to break out of prison. He does.

And he does. in a horrific look he's the good guy here this is the most bloody prison riot that anyone ever perpetrates it's brutal it's absolutely brutal on guards all these guards get murdered and it's a weird thing where like he's kind of rassling with it because it's like oh fuck you know i am this cop and i got to kill these dudes to make it look good you know what i mean well he's not he basically like gets donkey con who is this got this other guy this big it's the dude from true blood the dude for true blood to kill him everybody while he's just like behind him like oh that's pretty bad yeah and oh and here's another bit of bullshit is when this jailbreak is happening and yeah he's got donkey Kong throwing barrels at all the

prison guards and basically a riot breaks out so the other prisoners are getting in on it sort of um nicholas cage as the good guy goes over to this control panel and just starts boop boop popping this fucking thing and I was like there is absolutely no way you

as an FBI agent know how to operate the computer system at this black side prison. Absolutely no way. Absolutely no way. And he's just like, he hacks the net in two seconds and they break out and what have you. And this is another stupid part too.

And this is where like John Wu's like ultra dramatic style does not work. Because Donkey Kong goes over the railing. And they're trying to hold on and you know, Cage just drops him and this dude falls to him. This guy's not a character. He's not at all. And even if he was, he's not a character.

that I'm like, live, Donkey Kong. Damn you live, don't drop, donkey. This is a moment of like, I got you. And he's like, I need to do it. You know, and he falls in slow motion like Alan Rickman. I'm just not buying it, man. It's so fucking hammy. Yeah, it's a bit of bullshit.

And he swims, like Eric said, for days, I guess. And he meets up with, uh, he meets up with, uh, He goes to the hideout, which is, I mean, like, this is where the Riddler is. It's two floors. There's, like, bedrooms in the center. There's, like, stairs everywhere. I don't know what this place is even supposed to be. I mean, it's not a hideout.

It's very much like a, hey, how's it going? We're here. Yeah. Like, this isn't where villains hide out. It's not a hideout. It's a hangout. And, you know, that's evident because, you know, Nick Cassavetti brings Castor Troy

Shit. Sean Archer as Castor Troy. Yeah, he brings the good guy. Yeah, in to do coke and drink and hang out with a bunch of other hooligans. Yeah, there's just a couple of faceless dead meats hanging out. And then Nick Cassavetti's sister is played by Gina Gershahn. Yes.

Who has a child that we learn is Castor Troy's child. And in another bit of incest in this movie, Nick Cassavetes and Gina Gershahn are very la la la la la. They're making out. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you're just like, what's going on, John Wu? You know what? That kid doesn't talk much. I'm not exactly sure. He's Castor Troyes is what I'm saying. Who are you thinking? Oh, God. You think you got a Geoffrey, a Joffrey Baratheon on your hand.

Yeah, I think I do. Yeah. Lannister's sired a little Baratheon. Hey, he's got a Game of Thrones haircut, this little kid. He's got a little disgusting little rats nest on there. He's the same thing. He's got, he looks very similar to John Travolta's kids, a little moppet. And like John Travolta. was all, Nick Cage as John Travolta, whatever the fuck. The good guy. The good guy is all high because he did coke with his buddies. And like, he's like, oh, oh, Michael, Michael. And this kid's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, stranger, stranger. And she's just like, his fucking name is Adam.

What are you doing? Oh, Michael. And they have this stupid thing where it's like, oh, the hand. I guess he's a family of magicians because everybody goes up to each other. They're like secret thing is like, you'll gently trade. your fingers over somebody else's face. Like that's the secret archer handshake. You know what else I think that handshake was featured in?

I think that's what that old lady does to that fat guy. Also Helen Keller. That's also how guerrilla say hello to each other too. Well, that shows you how human they're like. They're almost a Nick Cage family. And he's like, oh, Michael. Oh, Michael. And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't do that. There's a great scene where the bad guy doesn't know that it's the good guy's dead kids birthday. Oh, man. And Judge Bolt is like, sauntering to work. And she's like, where are you going? He's like, to work, honey. And she's like, today of all days, you're pulling this. And he's like, yeah, well, you know.

And it's, again, I would be like, this isn't my husband. That dick is at least two inches longer last night I don't know what's going on there He totally forgot the dead son's birthday I gotta call my friend Is face off surgery possible She's a doctor She might know

She might have read something in the New England Journal of Medicine You're totally right This guy definitely published a paper Before he did a face off surgery Well because before you do it You gotta write a big long thing And fucking brag about it

Exactly you gotta get some funding I think I read about this exact thing in February's New England Journal of Medicine and, you know, so they go and he's got to eat shit and it's weird because like, this guy is the devil, but for some reason he does feel bad about this kid

I mean, not to say that whatever it's right to kill a kid or not, but like I just don't buy that this character would ever give a shit about this kid. Well, it's interesting because when you think back to that, the opening scene when he realizes what happened, like there is a shot of Nicholas Cage being like, oh,

like just the little You know what that is, that is? That's him going, oh, should have gone for the headshot. Yeah, yeah, man. Also, with six years ago, he's gotten over it. And it would not be a thing where it's like, look what I did to this fucking family.

Oh, no. Yeah, no, yeah. He'd be like, look what I do with this fucking family. It's hilarious. That's, that's the move. You're totally right. He does feel bad. And, like, that's, they have a couple of shots of him, like,

and he likes the daughter, too. Like, at one point, she almost gets raped by Daddy Masterson. Oh, right. Yeah, another note inside. Yeah, exactly. He saw him in a meeting. He was like, hey, you want to be in a movie? And this is, man, he like Jason Voorhees through this car window and pulls Danny Masterson up onto the lawn and is going to beat the shit out of him. Yeah, that's right. It's like a, he pulls a bell d'ar cone head. If you've seen the cone heads. Oh, yeah, dude. Who's seen that cone heads movie? That's something else.

Oh, I have. Yeah, of course you have. Remember, you know, it's. a great line in that movie is when she totally like shoves the subway sandwich in her mouth really fast and Chris Farley's like, reminds me my mother. It's fucking funny. Oh, and then this is another hitting on moment because he's

like, do you have protection? And she's just like, what, like condoms? And then he whips out this butterfly knife. Yeah. Come on. And he's like, yeah, if you ever comes up to you again, you got stick this in his thigh and twist it, motherfucker. And she's like, wow, that's

something. I was almost raped. Good night movie. So in the office, there's a there's a thing where they're like, hey, so castor Troy totally broke out of that jail. Yeah. And, you know, he jumped off this thing and we're celebrating because he's dead. Blah, blah, blah. And he's like, did they find the body yet? And Margaret shows like, oh, um, it hasn't been recovered yet. And this is another terrible travolta delivery. He's just like, it hasn't been recovered yet. I don't Like, you're getting paid millions of dollars to spew this shit. It's unbelievable. Like my bughole, Margaret Cho!

And she's got a great reaction because it's like, this is me just getting screamed at at work again. And so, like, the most obvious thing you could think of is, well, if I was me, where would I go? I guess Nick Cassavetti's house. Oh, yeah, back to the old Orgy Mansion. So we have an Orgy Mansion Invasion, which is also maybe could be the sequel title to Cockoff 2. And also, how is this not the end of the movie?

Because at this point, we've had a lot of John Travolta as Nicholas Cage, and a lot of Nicholas Cage is John Travolta. Oh, we've sat with it for a long time. It's the logical end. It is basically billed as the end. It's an hour and 49 minutes in. It's like, this is it. This is the end of the movie.

That makes perfect sense, totally. Everything's coming together. you're getting every you're you're you're killing tons of people in this fight this is hilariously where well the brother falls through a bunch of windows yeah kind of like um you guys remember bruce willis's death and death becomes her when he like falls through the window into the pool or whatever yeah i kind of always think of that when i see this movie but it's like he falls through like four different sets of windows and he's dead this is where the dude from pcs comes in and john travolta as the bad guy is crying over the dead terrorist and

And he's like, hey, boss, who gives a shit? It's just Pollock's Troy. And John Travolta shoots this guy in the head. Well, you know what? Which is, I think that's half Castor Troy revealing his true evil nature and half the boss of this fucking team telling everyone to lip up a little bit. You know what? Like literally, it's gotten out of control. Absolutely.

Margaret Cho is sniffing at me every second she gets. Now I got this asshole talking to me on the job. No, I'm blowing his head off. You're totally right. And then, like, the good guy has the bad guy saves Adam, Troy from being shot. From certain death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is somewhere over the rainbow scene where the, he puts on headphones.

Oh, man. And they're like, oh, listen to your music. Listen to your music. And apparently, Adam, this eight-year-old kid is a 45-year-old gay man because he's listening to. Wait a second. John sings somewhere over the rainbow. Like, who listen to that shit? Every character that's a child that listens to music is just so off base.

First of all, yeah, you're right. Because if you're a little kid, you listen to whatever your parents put on. That's true. It's not like, I'm getting this album. Yeah. Fuck you, little kid. You're going to listen to what I'm listening to. Shut up.

So maybe, maybe that makes more sense. It's Genea Gershawd, she's like having sad time listening to Olivia Newton, John, sing somewhere over the day, rainbow. Listen, with this life that she's leading, that song's on loop. Yeah, that makes sense. Then we get the logical. of the movie where we have the mirror sequence. Yes. Which is like if a duck soup groucho Marx was trying to kill himself.

Because it's, you know, you're facing, you're facing in front of the mirror. It's like, oh, I see Castor Troy. I want to kill Castor Troy. You're totally right. That's my reflection. How trippy is that? Yeah, exactly. And this is also, it's also where you get, you know, one of the several John Wu

staples of people back to back. Like, you know, this time there's a wall. between them but yeah the back to back we're going to start firing at each other yep who puts a mirror on one side of the wall and then directly on the other side put another mirror it's a coke dent done generic yeah that's what's going on drug dealers with bad taste right um so this is nick cassivetti's get shot in the throat yeah and he's like oh just get out of here get out of here i'll see you later and i'm gonna fucking tongue kiss my sister right now well you know you're on your way out you always wanted to do it you're totally right but the one thing i'll say is

guaranteed that's not their first tongue kiss as you you know positive Steve that kid might be a product of incest he could be a lanister for sure and so also it's yeah no no no go ahead I mean it really could be the end you know let's just fucking

let's crack open the doves and end this movie that's the way you know it's not the end it's because there's no doves anywhere in this scene you're totally right but again how it could be the end is Nick Cassavetes has a line where he's like wow he's like holding his neck he's like we've had some good times, haven't we?

I'm like, yep, perfect line for the end of the movie. Theory. Do you think it was supposed to be the end of the movie, but they were shooting it? It's like a three-week shoot. And, like, John Wu's like, all right, let's break out the dubs. And like, oh, my God. Oh, and they're like looking at the form, and it's

like, this dugs went to Argentina by accident. We're not going to have these replacement dubs for another three weeks. Cut to Argentina. Just a little box? The box of dubs sitting on an airport strip. That is definitely what happened.

Some squirrely intern being like, I need this back in Burbank. Oh, I'll never work in Hollywood again. If John Roof refuses to, like, reshoot those sequences, and we're just going to have to do another action set piece. We're going to need another 30 minutes to figure this fucker out. So, I mean, we're not going to keep you here for another 30 minutes. But he convinces Joan Allen. The good guy convinces Joan Allen of the first. face swap thing due to some good old

fashion blood blood type analysis. Yeah and you know they do that and she's on his side and there's a good emotional scene that nobody wanted because nobody bought it. What I love though in this scene so they're at the hospital he tracks her down at the hospital

because he's like just go he punches a mirror a picture frame and gets blood all over and he's like test that shard of glass and we'll meet back up in two hours or whatever so he goes to the hospital she's like crying because it's a match and blah blah blah and so then he suspects that the bad guys are on their way

to track him down and sure enough there's John Travolta marching with these go into the hospital and he pulls back this curtain and there's Joan Allen looking at some dude with like acid burns on his face and this is all in the matter of seconds and I was like where did she find this acid burn victim because this guy's seriously fucked up

and she's like oh good yeah bring this guy right in. Get out, get out, get out. Get out. There's a whole other super villain movie happening. He messed with the Moronies and got the acid in the face. Exactly. And all of a sudden, John Travolta's boss dies because evil John Travolta like karate kicks him in the heart. Well, he said, I don't like to stop attack us. God damn it. He assholes his way into another death. If this guy just keeps his mouth shut movies, he'd make it to the end. But no, but what's a, no, but what's a, this? is what's awesome about it is it's evil john travolta is a very opportunistic terrorist because this guy is showing symptoms of a heart attack before yeah and then he like travolta just exacerbates the situation because he comes in yeah and he's like your gestapo tactics and another thing about and you see him be like oh say and he just like karate chops this guy and brings the full on heart attack and he's just like oh

No, no. He calls the secretary. You better get in. You called 911. The Sarge had a heart attack. The climax of this movie would take place clearly at this guy's funeral, who had six lines in the movie. So they go to his funeral. That way, everyone's in their black suits. Get your John Mu checkbook out. Totally. And I guess this guy was a Buddhist because, I mean, there is a lot of Christ imagery going on. But this looks like a Buddhist temple that they filmed in. Oh, it's all mixed up. It's so weird. Don't know what to do because fucking. Nice, nice 3-11 reference. It's like this pre-Vatican 2 mass. I thought it was like Santa Ria or whatever that religion is.

It's all in Latin. I thought they were going to sacrifice a chicken. They lit 60 of those super tall, narrow candles and just cut a chicken's throat. Yeah. They're speaking Latin. There's no way near this much Latin in a Catholic church. No, which is what this looks like. And I mean, you can get, you get the Latin masses, but you're telling me it's at this guy's funeral?

I think we're in a different country. I think we've gone. I think we're in like, I don't know, some. Maybe we traveled to Hong Kong because this is a Hong Kong action movie set in California. It's so insane. And, you know, John Travolta has to go, like, it's like his last work function he has to do. I guess I got to go to my boss's funeral. Right. And so then Nicholas Cage like passes the altar boy a note, you know, and John DeFold gets it like, I'm here, come lick my bunghole, motherfucker, you know.

So they go into like another room of this temple church or whatever. And, you know, then we got another classic John Woo thing of everybody's pointing the guns. And Gina Gershawin shows up. There's a couple of goons that shows up. There's a little great scene when she, so like Joan Allen finally accepts that Nicholas Cage is actually her husband. Right. She's really pissed at him because she had sex with this other guy. She's like, well, we were living as man and wife for a week. What do you expect? That's not Sean Archer's fault. No, but she, you're right, though.

She is kind of pissed off. Like, do you know I fucked that guy? And he's like, I was in a super jail. Did you look at his dick? How did you not notice the dick? And he, so Gina Gashon shows up. Like, she saves him at the end. She got the gun.

It's like, hey, baby, to him. and like Joan Allen does the best piece of acting which she gives him like a nice it's like oh nice yeah totally nice I've been fucking my mortal enemy by accident and you're just fucking around with Gina Greshaw and having coke parties

I fucked the guy who killed our son but you just knowingly fucked some other woman yeah nice nice that's great that's really fantastic I can't wait to be divorced from you in two hours oh absolutely if you live through this so you know then we just

just start firing wildly and it's a big shootout there's also a bullshit thing when John Travolta originally like walks into the setup and he's doing like the oh Jesus looks so sad and he does like a crucifix thing sad Jesus it's just

it's some of the hamiest shit it's too much it's too much ham man my sodium levels were skyrocketing with all this ham and for some reason the daughter has to get involved they have a big old shootout Gina Greshon gets killed here and she's like take care of our son and you know that's we've had some good times too let me kiss you quick let me suck your tongue and the daughter shows up and now it's the she's got the gun who are you gonna shoot listen to me oh by the way we haven't talked about the voice modular oh man oh man when they do the face surgery they're like oh i don't even sound anything like him that's the one thing we're worried about yeah that's the real problem it's not the

fucking 40-year-old beer gut sitting there. And he's like, oh, here's, he had the 12-year-age difference at the 40-year-old beer gun. You were in Saturday fever. Nicholas Gage had fucking high school.

You're totally right. I don't even think of that either. You're totally right. So he's like, oh, you know, you put this little voice modulator in your throat. It's super sensitive. Even a sharp sneeze

could break this thing. And he's getting neck-chop this entire movement. Oh, another neck chop How did it not get fucked So many neck chops Oh, another neck chop How did it not get fucked up

During all the rough sex? Yes, exactly When the choking goes on? Totally. I want you to choke me. Oh, wait, never mind, not this time. And, you know, he breaks the modulator at this point. He's like, listen to your father.

Listen to me. And she's like doing the thing. She shoots him anyways. She shoots Nicholas Cage. In the arm. Right. Doesn't slow down this action scene one bit. No, something, something.

boat chase. Where on earth is this boat chase coming from? It's coming from heaven because this is the best part of the... I mean, listen, this is a solid three-star movie for action sequences alone. Sure. This boat sequence is one of the most impressive things I've ever

said. Tell you, the best part of this boat sequence is the lead-up to it. We get flabby John Travolta running down this dock, and then he just pulls out this machine gun and shoots a random guy sitting on his own private speedboat. Oh, yeah. out of my way.

Yeah, and his body flies off into the water and then he just takes the boat. That's my favorite part of the movie. And somehow, like, the boat dock explodes because everywhere you're going, things are blowing up.

Yeah, he shoots back at it and, like, happens to hit some, like, I don't know. Gasoline factory? Yeah. Jet fuel that they were storing at the docks. That wouldn't melt steel, though, Eric. Oh, it wouldn't think.

It's true, but luckily the dock is made of wood. Rickety old wood. Also, this is where You know you've got a really tricky action sequence When the filmmakers are not given a fuck About covering up the stunt doubles Oh man, these guys are, this is their moment to shine Dude, John Travolta and Nick Cage

Did not even show up for the week They were filming this thing. You get a couple of the close-ups of them driving boats That's about it. These two stunt doubles look nothing like them And nobody cared I thought there was another face-off going on. It's like, wait a second.

second now who are these gentlemen Brock Hammersley and slab hard apple oh absolutely they are just nothing I mean also like stunt men slash like porn stars probably I mean these are some handsome looking guys

no offense to stunt doubles they did they did the cock off afterwards that's you can find it so you know whatever the boats they wind up on one boat the boat runs ashore they go flying the boat blows up and they're on the beach

we get some hand to hand and then the good guy shoots the bad guy with a harpoon gun John Travolta gets harpooned to this movie yeah which is pretty good and then he's like

saying how like well you're gonna have to look at my like you have to think of me whenever you look at your face oh right because he starts trying to cut up his own face he's cutting himself with like a piece

of rusted metal but what's hilarious is instead of like just cutting all over and really fucking it up he's cutting exactly where the surgeon would even cut the face off

in the first place. What are you helping him? Let me give this back to you. It's stupid. It's really, really dumb. Oh, and when the boys were running down to the docks, there's a quick shot of Joan Allen being like, hello, Margaret Cho.

Yes, it's Joan Allen. So that's the only thing. So then, like, the FBI shows up, and there's, like, another guy who's, like, sort of a character, but not really, comes down. And he's like, Archer, you okay? and he's talking to Nicholas Cage and it's like, what did you call me?

With John Travolta's voice, which is always really weird. Yeah, they never quite pull that off. No. And, you know, the thing is like, you call me and say that like, oh, my boss is actually this criminal. It's going to take me a week to buy this story. Exactly. Everyone's going, he's going to jail for a while.

Yeah, oh, yeah. He's going to do some blood tests. We'll figure this shit out. But in this case, it's already, don't worry. We've got our best quote, Best Doctors from D.C. flying in for this. What are they doing? Faceoffs in D.C.? Left and right. Dude, it's for all the politicians to replace the reptilian faces with...

You're right. Yep. That's what that means. Oh, God, they're all fucking fake. Future case file, dude, right there. Definitely. So the best doctors from D.C. come in. And then this, again, is such... It's such over-dramatic horseshit that makes no sense. So it's like Joan Allen is home, cleaning up.

the kitchen or something's going on. She wouldn't bother going to her own husband's face off surgery. And she sees the shadow walking behind the curtain and you're like dressed in white like angel. Totally. You see that gut so you know it's John Travolta. You know, and he comes around the corner and it's John Travolta and I was

like, why are you not picking him up from the hospital? Did he drive himself home? Because listen, after a face off surgery, you're not driving. You're not supposed to drive after you get your fucking wisdom teeth taken out. You know it would be great if he's coming home and it's all angelic and white and his fucking bags are on the front

porch. Yep. You know why? Because you're not coming back in this house, pal. Glad you got your face back. Now, get the hell out of here. Exactly. I've already evicted our daughter. I'm going to burn this house down with every known family photo. This family's closed for business.

Erased from existence. He should come back and it's like a ghost town. Everyone's gone. Humbleweeds. Yeah, exactly. The doors and windows are open and they let nature go to it you know there's a goat eating a can in the middle of the living room how could you ever bounce back from this you know how you steal a kid and then make up for your dead kid because they like joan allen's giving him a hog you know dominique swain comes in she's noticeably not dressed

goth in this because she's cured yeah she's been cured exactly exactly and then he's like oh by the way and he like like just sashase a little bit and this little kid comes in got a new michael Yeah, it's Michael, too, like a cat. We're going to name you Michael, too, like a replacement cat. And he's just like, oh, this is Adam. He needs a place to stay. Oh, geez. And then, like, the girl, you know, Dominique Swain, like, kneels down.

And she's like, hi, I used to be a goth girl. Let's go play in the living room. And she gives him the weird Scientology hello, which is the face thing. You know, like the indicator in her palm scans his brain or whatever this family's greeting. It's a real nanoo, nanoo situation. Okay, he's clean He's not a robot, let him in And then he looks up it

He looks up at Joan Allen like Oh is this cool Yeah, thanks Oh sorry little boy You'll have to sleep in the street tonight Yeah totally You know what my husband didn't ask me about this You get the hell out of my house

I figured it'd be cool because you already Fucked his dad So it's kind of like It's kind of like our son This is Eskimo Brothers The movie, huh? Yeah It sure is.

It could have came out of you. It's stupid. She's like, okay, okay. Oh my God, it's so wonderful. A replacement kid. End credits. It's outrageous. That whole acceptance of this kid is more unbelievable than face off surgery.

Even if she was open to the idea of this replacement kid, the very idea that he would presumptively bring him home would throw that right in the garbage. You know what I mean? Well, maybe there's a. back up here maybe it's like we'll bring this kid and if you don't like it you can shoot him follow up eye for an eye

right yeah that's true i mean that's true we'll get the corpse of nicholas cage and put him out on a merry go around and you can shoot this kid but follow up question so okay he gets this face back on surgery sure he heals up they laser

him back together he's wolverine so it takes second totally where has this child been through all of that who knows right because like the last time we see this kid it's at the coked out hideout an hour ago in this movie someone's taken that kid somewhere

so you're telling me that before John Travolta comes home to greet his family again he stops off at some orphanage and make sure to grab this kid from social services yeah that or I'm sure I'm sure they're in the seven hour cut of face off there's a cut scene of this kid

like living at Margaret Cho's house he's like the kid from Dick Tracy you're totally right maybe there's a side adventure maybe Margaret Cho and this kid in between this nab the mad assider yeah you're right that case is still wide open

yeah you know like you ever watch hoarders when you know the whole thing ends and then like there's a little scroll at the end about the aftercare specialist And I was going to aftercare, which is like therapy after this. Oh, after a TV show comes into your house? And ruins your life.

You know, that's the thing. That's kind of like, that's the payoff. You don't win money, you win like therapy. Oh, okay. That's the end of face off. A little scroll about the aftercare specialist, working with the archers, figuring this shit out. I could have, you know, even like where are they now, like freezing, like animal house? I would love that, too.

One, two, three, a clock, four o'clock, right. uh yeah yeah totally right dominic swain she became a tour guide at universal studios ask for goth girl yeah totally and john travolta is the senator or something him and bluto and cash of troy is still rotten and they show his corpse because it's rotting now it's still just stuck to that fucking dock with the harpoon and they just cut the face off and left the body and they should they have a a shot of His team, it's like, his team learned his lesson and stopped mouthing off at work after that guy got his brains blown out. Unfortunately, most of the team was dead at this point.

So Margaret Cho just learned to shut out. Morgan Cho and the other guy. Or they changed Margaret Cho like, was it Niedemeyer and it's just like, she died in Iraq. Because right? Isn't the animal house one guy's like died in Vietnam? No, yeah, I think Niedemeyer does die in Vietnam. Yeah, he's MIA in NOM. Yeah.

Would anybody recommend Face Off? Oh, big time. It's a lot of fun. I mean, like, you feel the length of this movie. Oh, yeah. And, I mean, like, it's a fun, stupid watch. I mean, like, the action scenes are great. I, you know, I could really write three pages on all of the problems.

Like, what about the teeth? What about the actual eyes that are different? Listen, I expect a chapter alone on the Cox. I'm waiting for this BuzzFeed article, dude. All the JPEG. I would recommend this. I think it's a ton of fun. I've seen it, like, 20 goddamn times at least.

Oh, yeah. This is 90s, Eric Sisko. Oh, this is a modern classic. I would hate us fat people for yelling about it, too. I mean, I had a lot of fun with this. I've definitely seen this movie at least 25 times. Yep. But I had not seen it in ages.

So the last time I watched it, yeah, it was like, fuck yeah, face off. This time it was like, eh, the action's good. I mean, it's a lot of fun. It is. It's stupid as hell. It's a lot of fun. we're sitting here watching it

my wife comes home she's like you're watching this for an episode right I was like well yeah but I'd be watching it anyway I watched my I mean did everybody watch their own DVD no I do not own this I streamed it on Netflix

I don't own it either probably because I haven't committed to memory you just scared the memory banks yeah I just like close my eyes and I'm like begin well I'll tell you this though like I'm rewatched this I can't tell you the last time I watch

broken arrow. I saw Win Talkers once in theaters, it's terrible. I saw paycheck in theaters. That's fucking terrible. This is John Woo's... I don't know. The hard target's a lot of fun. It's really close. I've definitely seen Face Off way more than a hard target though. Yes. Well, I've always seen Face Off

Hard Target as an adult, which I kind of like Hard Target more as an adult. It's a little shorter. Oh, it's... I mean, I think Hard Target's under 100 minutes. Yeah. And Lance Hendrickson's kind of amazing in it. Yeah. And you got Brimley with a... I think it's a hard target.

I got to... You might be right there. That's tough. I mean, I think that's something to solve for another day. That's Faceoff from 1997, directed by the great John Wu. If you want to get a hold of us, check us out on our website, wh-hmpodcast.com. Check out all the other great shows on the sideshow channel, sideshownetwork. TV.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail. com. John Wu's biggest success stories? Let us hear your opinion about them. Right. Review the show in iTunes or wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Check out our merch store, WHM podcast.spreadshirt.com. Yeah, we got a probably secundish shirt up there. Hot seller, that

probably secondish shirt. It's probably our number one seller. At the Cambridge show, we saw a ton of them. It was like a sea of probably secundas. It was awesome. We need to get some more. We're going to get some more designs coming up really soon. Give us ideas because they're free. If you do give us an idea for a shirt And we use it We'll definitely get you that free t-shirt Yeah, you can have a copy of your own shirt

All right So clue for next week's episode And this is, am I right? Is this the big 200th episode? It's the 200th episode Well, you know, let's Why don't we just say What people will expect it to be

And just say Jim Belushi Yeah, you're totally right And just say, you know what? That's a still storied filmography There's a lot going on there It's unmind. It is unmind. Or do we want to keep it more vague?

No, no, no. I mean, Jim Belushi's fine. I'll say some things that it's not. It's not Homer and Eddie. Yep, it's not. All right. So what else is it not? Each do one.

Oh, it is not the Palermo Connection. Oh, yeah. And unfortunately, Palermo Connection is not an episode. It is not retroactive, but it is it. That is a stay tuned. That's the time travel one? Yeah, that is a movie where in people are, using time travel, basically in a way to elude an evil jimbleushi.

Oh, yeah. So it's not any of those, but it's a jimbleushi movie. 200 episodes and no end in sight. And it's all because of the folks that listen to the show. So next week, we'll be thanking you for that. All four of us will be on. So until then, when we're celebrating 200 episodes of this nonsense, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska.

Stephen's hate that. Take it easy. Thank you.