We Hate Movies - S5 Ep201: Loverboy

Episode Date: April 28, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang tackles the homophobic, racist, sexist cinematic cesspool that is 1989's Loverboy! What's with those gross fake mustaches in that pizzeria? Why does that delivery guy instantly turn into T-1000? And how in the world would this girl even consider getting back together with this gigolo? PLUS: Will Riker has a real problem with Troi's guest list for their wedding. Loverboy stars Patrick Dempsey, Kate Jackson, Dylan Walsh, Barbara Carrera, Robert Picardo, Kirstie Alley and Carrie Fisher; directed by Joan Micklin Silver. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stevenson. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this week, we're getting gross. It's a gross movie, I'll say it. It's Lover Boy from 1989, directed by Joan Micklin Silver, who we haven't talked about on the show for quite some time, but you may remember her as the director of another horrifying romantic comedy, baby cakes. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I fucked it up. Invisible Child, which I guess isn't a romantic comedy. meant to comedy at all. It's a terrifying psychological drama.

Well, you know, there's something romantic about, you know, her love for the children. No, you're right. There's nothing romantic. No, no, no. It's just fucking terrifying. And, all right, so if that's a terrifying family drama, this is a terrifying romantic comedy. Yes. Oh, yeah. Because I believe, Steve, you summarized it best

with the note you just said to me. Well, it's just a, it's a network of would-be pedophiles. Excuse me? It's all these women who are really into this really super young looking dude now and again this movie does like to say a lot like why is it so weird if a guy wants to date a 20 year old

woman nobody bats an eye I get it and it's fine but this movie could also be called Manhattan for girls all right because it's just I think it's gross on both then that's the thing is like you know everyone raves about Manhattan but I kind of can't watch that movie

no it's kind of well especially now that's a well yeah but still has gorgeous photography from master cinematographer Gordon Prince of Darkness Willis they call them the Prince of Darkness I didn't make it out. They're called Woody Allen

the Prince of Darkness. No, Gordon Willis man. No, never mind. Wrong fucking movie podcast. We're talking about pedophiles here. So Eric, what is this movie about aside from a network of would-be pedophiles? Oh, this is about, you know, Patrick

Dempsey, ultra-cool college kid. you know he parties a little too hard gets himself out of the game of college into the hard streets of working at a Mexican themed pizzeria in which he becomes a male prostitute and comedy ensues comedy with a big fact question mark at the end of it so this was like a string of Patrick Dempsey romantic comedies now this is I made a note to myself the start of the show to read this because it is one of the funniest things I've found on IMDB in a while. It's the intro paragraph to Patrick Dempsey's IMDB biography. And I think

it might be written by his mother. This is, all right, so you know, every actor kind of has these, but so just listen to this. Patrick Dempsey has lived too charming but separate lives on film and television from an exuberant somewhat awkward charmer in the college comedy films of the late 1980s and early 1990s, he has morphed spectacularly into a dreamy, wavy-haired television hunk of the New Age millennium.

And this seductive new image has since spilled off into romantic lead roles back on the large screen as a slightly offbeat, self-effacing Prince Charming type. What? All of that, man. That's insane. His name's also Patrick Galen Dempsey. So, I don't even know where to begin with this movie, man. There's so many problems with it.

One, he's a punk rock guy at the beginning of this movie. For like eight seconds. To start where it starts, cartoon intros. Oh, thank you. Yes, the 1980s cartoon intro where we got our credit sequence and a shittily animated cartoon over it. I don't understand why they wouldn't pay real animators for this. You know what I mean? Or like all these.

these cartoon openings i don't even mind that much it's always just the shittiest animated thing the only good one is christmas vacation that's a pretty nice pretty tight animated piece that is a solid animated one i'm thinking of another terrible one the second weekend at bernie's movie has a really shit-ass one previous episode madhouse that's another terrible one i'm pretty sure both city slickers but at least the first one the first one definitely does and i mean that second one's just a clone of the first one so why the hell not probably they just don't do anything like I'm not being

entertained just get to the movie Manikin Manikin Yeah I think Manikin does yeah at least one of them does Well this is like it's about a car That is his it's got a sombrero And a mustache that's kind of delivering pizzas at one point it's like shit's pizzas

It's like seen like Is it like sexy cars or something Yeah he's trying to have sex with a lady car That's a nice lady car. I'm going to excrete pizza on her. That's what to... Ew. It does.

But that's why this sequence is useless because the car is the delivery car that he drives around in the movie. But I haven't seen this shitty movie yet. I don't know what this dumb car is. Why am I watching a car wearing a sombrero drive around trying to fuck another car? And he like jumps on the other car at a second and she's like, get off of me. Other car? Like, it's really like a rape. Then he's getting towed and it's just like, oh, no, get back here.

And the girl car's laughing at him. Toad by Larry the cable guy's car from. Oh, no. Now Maider's got you. Oh, yeah. Hey, cool. Oh, man, Mater. Mader.

I think he's played Mader more times than he's played a character named Larry. He's terrible. Well, no, every day he wakes up, he's playing a character named Larry. That's true. So, we're introduced. to Patrick Dempsey. Like I said, he's like a punk rock guy. He's got some bleach blonde hair. There's a weird thing. The calendar clearly says 1987 on it. And I thought that that was the thing because they were going to cut to like two years later or three years later. But it's just the same summer.

Yeah. Maybe it's set on the shelf or... I would not be surprised if this took some convincing to put out. Maybe it's a period piece. Oh, remember the crazy times of 1987 everybody? Oh, yeah. We were in 1989. We're in like a pre-die-hard America. God, I don't want to know it. So he's like gussying up his shitty dorm room because his lady friends coming over. Gussing up is including kicking apple cores under the bed. This is how this guy.

Yeah, he's in college. Like I said, gussying up. Okay. And his anonymous friends show up and then a big fat college party breaks out where people are doing beer bongs. It's an impossible college party. Yeah, it is. The door opens, and then suddenly a hundred people come in. It's like, you know what?

Get out of my house. Seriously. How about that? I clearly didn't invite you. You all have little dorms of yourselves. Totally. It's five words. Get out of my house.

Problem solved. Your girlfriend's not breaking up with you. You're not getting kicked out of school. And, you know, you don't have to become a fucking jigolo. Well, this is the problem with the character is he's a pushover in the start. He won't, you know, stand up against his friends or any way. one you'd think the character would evolve but he never does no he's just a big fucking wimp this entire movie yeah well then you also have like this whole thing where he's scared

to tell his father that he's living with a woman or has a girlfriend or whatever they're living together which doesn't make sense why the house is such an shambles to begin with and why he's like oh wow that's a little sexist you know a woman can't be sloppy no but the way that they present it and you're right i am a sexist but the way they present it is like it's like oh man my fucking college dorm room is like pizza box is all over that's true yeah it was jarring to find out that they do live together also because it's like i guess that's a thing out west huh co-ed living arrangements on campus does that exist i i i yeah i don't know i i mean probably now that shit's a lot more lax like i know where we went to school they kind of were getting into that

right as we were leaving oh man but in 1989 or 1987 whenever they made this movie, 1976. You probably not as much. Yeah, he takes her out to a date to go see taxi driver. Man, that's a blown date, speaking of a taxi driver. When Robert De Niro takes Civil Shepherd to go see that porno? Yeah.

What a fucking mistake, Travis Bickle. That'd be like taking a girl to see lover boy. It's a dirty movie. It's dirty enough. It's like cutesy dirty, which is annoying. Yeah, it is. either get down to fucking or just dance around it. There isn't really nudity, isn't it?

There's no nudity. There's no, like, there's no, like, real sex either. It's all, like, post-coital pre-coital. Except for, like, one sequence where it's, like, hidden behind these, like, drapes or whatever. Oh, yeah. The fucking Foley department had no idea what to go on. I don't know if no one in that recording studio had participated in sexual intercourse before. They're throwing a rack of ribs down the stairway.

Dude, it sounds like someone just pushing a mic. into a bucket of water. No, no, no. They know what they're doing. It takes a while to figure out that one out, but it works. It's a worthwhile skill. So she comes home and, like, kicks all of his friends out and kicks him out. He's sleeping in the hallway.

And then he wakes up. It's, like, moving day. And he's like, come on, I need to get my stuff. And he's whining. And she's like, oh, fuck. Here, I packed you leave. And he's like, oh, why are you so upset? And he goes like, I get, I got you a gift.

And it's a football jersey. doesn't make any sense. Because he's not a jock at all. Not only that, like, why would she think she would want that? Well, that's like, you know, classic guy, stupid. Homer gets March the bowling ball. Happy

birthday, baby. Pulls a boner. Yeah. You know. But then, like, you know, he's like, oh, my dad's coming. You got to get out of here. And he's been, like, telling the parents that he's living with some dude named Vic. Yeah. And here comes this dad who, like, spot him from a mile

way homophobia the century you know and it's just like this movie is homophobia the century in case you're wondering yeah no i mean the gay panic in this movie is like really obnoxious it's a good knee slap but like could you imagine having a gay son and everyone's like hootin and hollering in the fucking homophobic reagan audience wow yeah yeah i mean it's there's a lot of like oh you think it would happen to the other guy's son my son yeah totally like he fucking got drafted to go to NAM. Like, oh, I never thought it would hit this close to home. But so, yeah, we'll get to that.

But so they go home. She breaks up with them. She's like, fuck you. You're ashamed to me of whatever. You don't care about me. His dad, by the way, who looks exactly like Larry Bird. Oh, yeah. If you're like, oh, what's his actual?

It looks exactly like a 1986 Larry Bird. A 1986 Larry Bird. Not Larry Bird now where he looks like he's melting and his face is like a black hole that's collapsing in on itself somehow. Oh, that's what Matthew McConaum. He flies in, too, interstellar. He flies right into 2015 Larry Bird's face. Oh, no, Sarge.

There's a Larry Bird's mouth. The only way I'm going to get back to my daughter, who's now a full-grown woman. I got to drive right into Larry Bird's mouth. See you on the other side of Larry Bird, Slick. Gonna make Larry Bird knock the books off the shelf. You know, I've been flying into Larry Birds before they paid me to find them. Oh, you know, I think this whole thing was set up by a bunch of Larry Birds.

That's why there's all these. championship rings all over the place in this bookshelf. All right there, that's that book about him and Magic Johnson. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, well, look at that over there. It's poster Magic Johnson with a bunch of devil horns and a mustache drawn on it.

Yeah, I'm in Larry Bird's Clubhouse right now. Oh, this truly is intergalactic travel. I fit my Lincoln in here. So the Larry Bird actor is actually Robert Gittney, who's been in a bunch of stuff, including 1980s, the extermination.

which is a good insane movie. Dude, that's one of the most violent movies I've ever seen in my life. I think he feeds a mafioso to a meat grinder. I got to rewatch it. He is the exterminator in that movie? Yeah, he's like a guy coming back from war or something, something, something

pushes him over the edge. Oh, it's something, something non-flashbacks all over that movie. Oh, yeah. So, you know, 1986 Larry Bird is like, I'm not paying for you to flunk every college class or whatever. Like, you're out of school. You've got to start your life. This is my favorite movie trope, which is, we're about to go on a long car trip.

I'm going to, he's like, he's packing a son up. He's like, well, how are your grades? And he's like, well, Dad, that's kind of subjective. And they do the, I Dream of Jeannie's Flip, and now are they in the room? And he's like, Subjective, you failed every class. I'm like, what the fuck did you talk about for two and a half hours? Well, what happened, Steve, was that right when he said it's subjective, uh, Patrick Dempsey did a Zach Morris timeout and just stuck the dad sideways.

in the back seat and drove him home to the living room where the mother Kate Jackson from Charlie's Angels was hanging out. And then he said what was subjective about that. Which is so yeah. And so he's like, you know, you're the first one of our family to go to college. Blah, blah, blah. And he's got a nice house. I think he's a

construction work owner. What? No. He's like a foreman? Yeah, he's like the foreman of a... I think he's a contractor. But I think he owns his own business because it's his little trailer there. Yes. He's the owner of like they're building some parking garage or warehouse for a character that will come up a little later in the episode

it's amazing how all these characters wind up being connected at the end of this movie like a shitty paul haggis film yeah it does everyone wants to just fuck each other's wives it's a good climax oh climax in a movie about fucking so yeah so he's working at this pizzeria called senior pizza. Well, because he's like, no son of mine's going to fail college. Go be a pizza delivery boy, I guess. And it's not even a thing where he's like, I'm going to teach this kid a value of work ethic. He's going to do that this summer. Then we're going to bring a, no, he's done with school. I'm done paying money, bad, good money after bad on that school. How about getting into the family business? Exactly. Yeah, but instead, no, uh, uh, uh, pizza shop. And what is,

This has got to be terrible pizza, right? Oh, it's disgusting. And they're not, it's Mexican themed, but it's not Mexican pizza. No. It's Italian pizza, but it's called senior pizza. But they're doing stupid shit. Like, you can get burritos there and stuff, too. Because Dylan Walsh comes in at one point, and he's getting, it's at least like a pizza with lettuce on it because he's like, extra lettuce.

Which, who's getting extra lettuce on anything? California. Yeah, that's, that's who. Dylan Walsh is like kind of the bad guy, but not really in this movie, which is disappointing, because he plays a good sleaze. He's playing a really, he's like his college nemesis who wants the girlfriend. Well, and it's also like he's like the quote unquote rich kid, but it's like rich kid versus slightly less rich kid. And it's like, oh, that guy from the other side of the tracks. I'm like, he lives in Beverly Hills too.

Yeah. His dad owns a construction business. Everyone's doing all right. Doing just fine. But if they were truly, like, supremely rich, the dad would not care about throwing money away on his college education is the thing. You know, maybe that's what Dylan Walsh's parents are doing. Yeah, his dad does not have a blue-collar Larry Bird mustache for sure. And he's got this friend that works at the pizzeria and like the friend's father owns the pizzeria.

And this guy was like he's kind of like a nobody Canadian actor, but at one point was actually on the level. with Brad Pitt. They were like roommates starting out being actors. Well, that's not on the level just because they shared a level of an apartment. No, they live together. They're both starting out in the business. Yeah, well, I guess, yeah, I guess you're right.

What was Brad Pitt doing at this time? He was in, if I remember right, he's in like a shitty slasher movie kind of around now, but that April Fool's, I think it is? No, he's not in April. Cutting class. Cutting class. I have that movie.

How is it? It's pretty good. I watched it recently. It's fine. Isn't Delman Louise 89 or is it 90? I don't know. I mean, it's a round-ish this time. I mean, this dude in this movie is no Brad Pitt in the looks department, which I think was a lot of it.

He's like your Steve Zahn mold. You know what I mean? Like, over-excited friend that's never going to get laid and, you know what I mean? Like that kind of a thing. So over-excited and so will never get laid that he's one of these characters. that like gets ultra involved in his friend's sex business. He doesn't get a cut at all in this movie.

Nope. He should. He deserves it. His father's pizzeria is a whorehouse. You're right. You're right. He should be involved into a pimp. All right.

We're getting ahead of ourselves because the whole thing is Patrick Dempsey's driving to deliver a pizza. He sees a bubba-bba-bba-babe crossing the street and eerily like cuts through four lanes of traffic to pull over to, like, stalk her into a department store. One gross thing about this pizzer, one of the many gross things, is everybody has to wear fake, like, Halloween store Mexican mustache. It's like if somebody wanted to go as a 1970s sunny bono for Halloween,

this is the mustache you buy. Ed, it's disgusting because guess what? All those little plastic-y mustache hairs are getting in your pizza. Absolutely. They're everywhere. And these fucking idiots are working at this pizzeria. It's not just when you go out on deliveries. this mustache is hanging from your fucking septum the whole time just sitting there tossing of the dough

just making the pizza pie in that california heats oh you know flakes are falling into this pizza yeah this is a bad california pizza kitchen and he just said a bad california pizza kitchen cpk is one of the worst restaurant chains in the history of man that shows you how bad this is all right you got a gun to your hair had pizzeria uno or a CPK Pizzeria uno every time. Oh my God. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, if I could eat it on the toilet

and then just like, you know, you get me a nice like TV tray and I could just just to actually limit the possibility of me shitting my pants. They should do a restaurant like that where everyone's sitting at a toilet. Think about all the plumbing work that would have to be done.

Oh, dude. It would be amazing. It would be a monstrous bill though. If there was like Yeah. This is Guinness book stuff, though. You've got to think about the big picture. And I mean, you know you're just getting a bunch of sweaty fat guys at that, right? You know what I mean? Like, it's just a... Oh, yeah. Dude, that's a disgusting idea.

But yeah, I don't think the health department would let that fly. No, no. I guess you can't shit next to food. You're having people literally shit where they eat closed forever. Only Taco Bell can do that. Oh, good one.

So he's wearing the mustache, and this lady makes eyes at him. And he's like, oh, I better fucking follow her into this clothing store. She looked at me, better follower. So he takes his mustache. And by the way, like two scenes ago, he's whining about his girlfriend. He's like, oh, she hates my guts. What I'm going to do to get her bag? And he's whining also about because all he does is whine this entire movie.

Oh, yeah. Start all the way to finish. Isn't that attractive? He's like, oh, my dad can get to college. I have to, like, I got to save up money so I can. get like his thing is that I'm $9,000 short for tuition because I'm going to pay my own way and I'm going to prove a man and

my god, an entire semester of college costing $9,000 what a dream, huh? It's a dead dream is what that is. Dead forever. So he follows this woman into the store and he doesn't have the mustache out and she's like, oh, what? And he's like

oh, you made eyes at me and she's like, oh that was a fake mustache? You're just a little boy. I like real man and walks away in a really weird way like she calls him a little boy and this other woman like her creepy ears perk up she's like ooh a little boy is in the store

ooh a sexy little boy and she like walks up to him and she's like she had no right to turn you down you're so beautiful you could be a model you know that old shit you're a great looking little boy and like she puts on this like she's like

if you just dress yourself up a little bit she puts on this like fucking matted polo jacket it's a big david burn jacket with those shoulder pads oh yeah she's like oh i could take you out in this little out there you can get cappuccino and this is when stuff stops making sense very good this woman is played by barbara from never say never again you ever see that movie the unofficial james bond movie that john connery made in the 80s yeah i i didn't finish it i need to go back you should finish it because at the end of the movie sean connery shoots her in the stomach with a pen and then she

explodes. It's pretty fantastic. Is it a stay tuned? It's possibly a stay tuned. I recall an amazing sequence where he's driving a speedboat and you can see his two pages flip flapping in the wind. I could see that. Yeah, it's kind of great.

And they make no bones about him like being old. The point is he's an old piece of shit. That's kind of cool. Yeah, it's sort of. It's sad too. Yeah, you got Kim Basinger farting around in there. There might be stuff to talk about. So he adorably gets all flummox. He's very Hugh Grantish

in this movie. Yes, yes, you're right. He's like an American teenage Hugh Grant. And he's like, oh my God, I'm parked in the red zone. And he runs away and she's like, oh, fuck, I wanted to fuck that guy. So she knows he works at this restaurant, so she calls up for a pizza with extra anchovies.

Now, if you're, maybe you were born in the 1980s and you know, the late 80s, the 1989 you were born then, or maybe the 1990s, God forbid. you don't know how hilarious the word anchovies is that. Oh, yeah. Just that word, just saying anchovies or like, hold the anchovies, extra anchovies. Where are the anchovies?

That's funny. Do I smell anchovies? And that we thrived off of anchovy joke culture, man. It was everywhere. Right, because it was something like no one would ever imagine actually eating at that time. Right. the time kids could accommodate like cheese

fat and ranch dressing it was also it was also before the contemporary sushi boom that America is still going through if you look at stuff from back then you know there's so many sushi jokes about like I would net oh raw fish oh yeah I was watching

the breakfast club this weekend and it was just like oh my god she's eating the sushi and he's like ugh and he's like I'll rather eat this peanut butter sandwich I think there's an episode of Doug that tackles this subject as well. And like Skeeter's talking about sushi or something that Doug's about

the dry heave. Well, the thing about the breakfast club is she's in that fucking detention all morning without a refrigerator. And she's cracking open that sushi. That's a real problem. That's a risk. But it was like... You might as well eat that on the toilet, Molly Ringwald. You had like... It's also sushi. She's

sushi because she's a rich as fuck. Oh yeah, exactly. Snobby bitch. But the... Excuse me. The thing about it was you would say like anchovy like sushi and if it was a cartoon it would be immediately followed with like a big fucking foghorn noise because it was that disgusting

to put delicious oily salted fish on a pizza it was always like somebody running towards a pizza and they're like ooh I love pizza because again in the 1980s pizza was the best food yes it was number it was numerous uno in the 20 teens

pizza is still the best food come on yeah but you opened up the box because it's anchovies and then they just fucking power vomit so this lady power vomit that's what the

late 80s were it's you slap it up your power glove and your power vomiting exactly you get yourself into a tizzy and you play that 80s that Nintendo Olympic game remember that math that you had to get

fuck that power power mat. And fuck the power glove. Fuck the Super Scope. All the shit that barely worked the day you got it out of the box. The Super Scope, is that the Duck Hunt gun? No, the Super Scope was like the fucking rocket launcher thing. I believe

that was Super Nintendo. Yeah, no way. They made like four games for the sorry, discontinued. I don't know what to tell you, kids. I guess the rest of your friends don't like playing games where you have rocket launchers. Because that's all you can do with a controller that's a rocket launcher is play rocket launcher games.

You ever try to hook up your duck hunt gun on a new TV? No, what's going on there? It doesn't work. It only works on tube television. Well, yeah, that's interesting. You're clicking at the tube itself. It took me about an hour to figure that out. So she orders anchovies.

Extra anchovies. That's the gag. That's the key. And, you know, Patrick Dembs is like, extra anchovies. And he waits for the studio audience to stop laughing, which takes 24 minutes. And he's reading a newspaper And he delivers it to this house And it's her

It's a hotel It's a hotel By the way, the way he's holding pizza box In this movie makes me want to flip out I'd fire this kid on site Oh absolutely Because you know what You're getting calls from the customers

Like, you know Listen, granted Full disclosure I ordered this pizza Because I wanted to fuck your delivery boy However, the condition That this pizza was found I mean, he's flicking these boxes

all over the place. You know the pizza's getting jumbled up in there, and nobody wants that. Oh, it's going to be terrible. Not even that little plastic table can prevent the pizza from getting smushed. Also, it's kind of an ingenious scam. This lady's got. She's like, all right, I'm going to order a delicious

pizza. Fuck this kid. Then guess what I'm doing? Eatin delicious pizza. And it's kind of a little cold. That's where you want to be. Absolutely. Here's also the scheme. And you might want to remember this if you ever want to get a delivery boy to yourselves for the night. you get you order the pizza to your motel room right it's not too far away from the pizzeria and then you also put in an order for like 20 pizzas to be you know delivered across town right you know

so your boss thinks you're going to be gone for a long time and that's what she does she put in those both orders oh she did i miss that that's a good detail she puts in both of those yeah yeah so uh but i guess it's this weird presumption that the pizzeria owner is making like wow these deliveries are going to take you the rest of the night and then you won't have to come haul or come back to the pizzerie at all to drop off the delivery car punch out you know give me the money from the pizzas you sold because he sleeps over with this one yeah and i guess there's just no more deliveries tonight nope that's it this dude i mean i because i think he's the only driver there's another senior pizza truck sitting there through the whole movie i don't know if it's

permanently broken down i don't know what the deal is probably just permanently working there's one guy doing his job, but he's not a character just so this guy can have his sex fantasy. There is a real money-saving thing going on with making this movie, and we get the first taste of it in this scene when he's pulling up to the hotel. It's Brian Wilson's

walking the line, and then later it's from this self-titled album that he had in, like, 1988. And then, like, that's the album where, like, Love and Mercy's on there, a couple of the tracks that are all featured in this movie. It's like four Brian Wilson's songs, and you're just like, hmm, value

pack much movie come on it's that they could have put they play like it could have danced all night four to five times in this movie and you get some jerry lee lewis in there but like briefly that's probably a little cheap these days goodness gracious public domain so he orders his pizza she orders his pizza she's like oh hello and they have sex and he calls his dad because it's like midnight or whatever and he's like midnight or whatever and he's like oh i gotta call my dad because i live at home now and he's like hey dad uh and he's in he's in bed with her and she's like you know playing with his neck and his nipples and whatever else he's like what what's going on and he's like dad i oh oh oh ha ha oh oh oh oh oh i'm going

my friend brian's oh his house tonight it's like his dad's just like are you having phone sex with me right now it's so weird and to show you how like tame this movie is i wish he was getting his nipples played with she's like because She's, like, licking, like, his tricep. Yeah. Like, licking the outside of his arm. And that to him is like, oh, oh, oh, and you know what, dude? Like, I'm sure it's, you know, very ticklish for you getting your arm licked.

Yeah. Yeah. Just keep it together when you're on the phone with your father. Conversely. Put fucking pants on before you call you a dash. If that's what you want. But I'm thinking they might have had sex so many times. It's like, what else is going to get us off tonight?

carm licking call your dad oh yeah do fucking taboo exploration make him listen yeah they got barnyard animals coming up next well he does say to his weird friend afterwards that they had sex seven times that night and his friend says seven times that's like wild boars is it what does that mean why would Why don't you just say rabbits? Yeah, wild boars. Because it's got the word wild in there. So the dad thinks the son is gay, which is the whole thing. So, like, he's home later in the day.

There's, like, this hunk off-the-boat Italian exchange student who loses his mind and the third act of this movie. He's, like, one character this entire time, and he's like, you know, he gets all the ladies. And he even has a little scene with Patrick Dempsey's like, oh, I wish one woman would just, you know, play hard to get it's so easy here in America and like that's you know that's funny but he goes from harmless Lothario to T-1000 it's terrifying

his name is Tony by the Tony so like 21,000 so Tony like drops off like the jacket or whatever that the silky jacket she bought him yeah yeah yeah and she delivered it to the pizzeria because she doesn't know where

his right so here's this hunk that rolls up at the door gives this dude a jacket Patrick Dempsey Instead of being like, hey, dad, this is Tony that I work with, like, closes the door on him so they can talk outside. So this dad, his line is like, honey, our sons of fruit. And then it just like turns into this whole fucking woes me horse shit. Well, he finds, there's a note attached to the jacket. And he picks it up. And it's like, it's like, I loved screwing you every which way, but loose signed Alex.

Oh, Alex, right. So he thinks it's a man's name. And he's just loose. using his hetero mind over this. He's flipping the straight out right now. He's blown a gasket. It's just fucking amazing horseshit because it

it's really irritating because like, yeah, people were fucking gay in the 1980s. You know what? Just shut up about it. Dude Manikin. We had Hollywood. He's right there. Everybody loved Hollywood. RIPD. To beat devil's advocate, maybe

we are being a bit of a lib tards right now. Maybe Maybe we should persecute people. It was devastating for that father to presume that his son's sexuality was one way. And it's hilarious for us as the audience to think that this guy's going through hell. But luckily, thank God his son is straight. Oh, yeah. Thank the Lord in heaven.

So he's going through all this for nothing. Hey, cool, my son's still straight. Hey, cool, I don't have to kick him out the house. Hey, cool, my son's a prostitute. Hey, cool I'm second thought I'm fine with it As long as he's straight prostitute

Wait, what? So then it's like, oh no It's another pizza extra anchovies And remember everybody Extra anchovies E pussy Because a thousand times This movie, it's just like

Extra anchovies! And he's like running around all fucking flabbergasted. Eric, don't you dare forget what extra anchovies means. It redefined it for me. It means pussy. He's not a prostitute yet. But he's not. You're right.

You're right. They had sex once. And then she calls him again for extra anchovies. And he's like crying about everything. And he's like, I got to go back to college and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I just don't have any money. And by the way, he knows what he's doing in case.

He's just like whining to his rich girlfriend. Oh, if I only had the money. And it's like, yeah, we know. And then he acts all shocked and put off when he wakes up to her throwing $200 in his face. Exactly. And she's just like, no, you know, they're driving down the coast, again, listening to Solo Brian Wilson. And they're just like talking. And, you know, she's like, wouldn't you want to help me out if I needed money?

You know, and so all this is. So he's like, oh, yeah. Well, I guess you're right, Alex. I will take this $200 from you. fantastic. Cut to more extra anchovies and he rolls up to this house but uh-oh there's a new

lady here and to just show you like how racist we're going to get in this movie it's an Asian woman and here comes the magic Asian pan flute score get out of town with this people I don't know the pan flute thing is still not dead I've heard like episodes of

chopped where it's like this Asian guy's like wong oh really Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus. I was shocked this movie, a fucking gong didn't go off at the point of climax. And we're saying Oriental,

left and right. Oh, absolutely. And to be fair, on the movie's credit, it's an out-of-touch character doing that, at least, question mark. Yeah, you're right.

It's not... But then how do you make the argument for the dad, though? About the... Wait, wait, the homophobo stuff? Yeah. It was more okay to be Asian in 1989 than it was to be gay.

Was it, though? Have you seen pretty in, pink? I have. Well, you know, you might be right. I don't know. Pretty and pink, aren't you thinking is 16 candles? 16 candles, whichever one with long dog. Yeah, let's get this. Yeah, everyone, he just oriental this and orient. I think he, I'm pretty sure Patrick Dempsey calls it Oriental at one point. He lets it slip. He does. He's like, oh, man, this Oriental woman. I'm like, so then you get what's going on because this lady's all like, oh, I've got this terrible husband. You know, I'm basically like held captive in this house. He doesn't.

doesn't let me do anything, you know, please have sex with me to relieve this torture. And to his credit, he refuses and she just collapses on the ground crying. So then now he now he has to, question mark. I don't know, dude. I think those are some serious crocodile tears. Crocodile sex tears? Yeah, exactly right. But now that this is the conversation, though, is this one woman's like, oh, I had sex with the sexiest boy last night.

Oh, really? How much does he cost? And, like, it's just this weird... I would like to see, like, the genesis of that conversation. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I slept with this boy last night, which, you know, he's in college, so he's at least 18. Nothing funky's going on here. He's of age. He's certainly of age, but he's just barely legal. Oh, yeah, and it's hot as fuck, dude.

Yeah, you know, that's, that happens. So, you know, like, what is that like? She mentions at one point, like, you know, one of the women mentions, like, I got your name from a friend of mine at the salon or the beauty. parlor, whatever it is. So, like, what is the genesis of that? Like, oh, I slept with this young man last night. Oh, my God, he was so fantastic. Yeah. And also,

I paid him for it. Like, this woman, this, this patient zero for this prostitution ring, right? Had to at some point be like, hey, for a good time, call this pizzeria and ask for extra anchovies.

Is she, like, the madam here? Like, is she getting a cut from her friends now that this guy's not seen? I don't. I don't. I I don't think so. Oh, you think before, like, oh, like a finder's fee? Yeah. Like, oh, I got a great prostitute for you. You got to give me 400 bucks.

And I'll show you, I'll give you the number. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Edged out that friend at the pizzeria before he even knew what was up. He could have been a pimp. Now it's taken. No, she's the pimp. I would love to see that, though.

I want to see what's going on. I want to know the backdoor dealings of this thing. Yeah. Because as it stands, all we get is on Patrick Dempsey's side, which is his idiot friend tells him there was another order for extra anchovies that it just used to fall an ass backwards in it and all these women are absolutely gorgeous

you know what a 1987 Kirstie Alley figure it out yes exactly you're upset being married to Goblin Robert Picardo Noted Goblin Robert Piccaro Noted Star Trek alum Robert Piccardo It's a real Star Trek wedding right there It's like Riker and

Troy, yes. Excuse me. I was thinking of Deanna. Yeah, Deanna Troy. It would have to be Will and Deanna. Yeah. Will. Going to talk a bunch of shit at your wedding. Get ready for jokes at Mr. Data's expense.

How would you like Gilbert and Sullivan? Oh, God. Deanna, do we have to? Do we have to? I know we said we would, but now I'm getting up to that point. I'm getting really nervous. It's going to go on for really too long. And then my face is going to start hurting.

from fake smiling. And that fucking robot's gonna know I'm lying about smiling. Why did we invite the robot, Deanna? He wouldn't be fucking offended. We left him off the guest list. He doesn't have that chip. Plus one's a cat.

That's great. Paying for that cat to eat dinner, Deanna. Hold on. You brought, you're inviting Wharf to this thing? Are you fucking kidding me? I know what was going on with you two. Don't think I don't know, Deanna. That ill could seize season. seven romance that doesn't go anywhere

yeah i remember that talk about dead end the plot line well you know it's a mistake and they left it be you know it's just a just a mistake also the weird thing is when he goes to like start making out

with this uh this woman um who says she says something about like the Asian one we've been yes yes okay no making out in Star Trek we're back on lover boy like she says something about like when I was in Japan something something and then the movie's like and you're like okay

and then she's like you know he goes to kiss her and she's like no that's how my husband does it I have a fantasy cut to this like purple lit room where she's in like a four post bed with like this material wrapped all around it and the gag is he can't find a way in

and then like he finally like just jumps in this bed and this was the foli artist thing where I was he jumps in the bed and they're like it looks like they're fucking scissoring And she, it's just like, and I was like, what is happening? Do they definitely, do they have sex? Yes, they do.

This is sex. This is one of the sex. Yeah. Some of the women, he supposedly doesn't. I think it's bullshit. Which is horseshit. You're just not seeing it. Like, he's having sex with Kirstie Alley.

But all we see with Kirstie Alley is them ballroom dancing. Also, every night scene in this movie is filmed like nightmare on Elm Street. And I don't know why. It's like this weird. off like him. I'm expecting Freddy to come out. One, two, senior pizza's coming for you. You know what? You don't see, along with the sex, a fucking condom. That's what I need. I need to see, like, condoms being thrown out. I mean, I don't need to see him apply it.

Thrown out. Or, you know, like, he's, well, like, just one scene at the drugstore, he's buying, like, a ton of condoms. That's hilarious. Put that in your comedy. It's 1989, everybody. This kid can't be doing this like this. Oh, yeah. But he does. And now everyone's test positive at the end.

Well, I guess this movie believes that that's just the gay plague. Oh, yeah. All right. Only, okay, yeah, it's only them. Yeah, it's 1989 in this fucking Larry Bird motherfuckers walking around. He's like, Condo, what do you need that shit for? What are you gay? Speaking of that, dude, to pass the time in this movie.

we get a subplot where he there's a big mix up and it appears as if he's having an affair with Dottie from Peewee's Big Adventure Yes Wow, you knew much more of this cast than I ever could have You know, I knew her so well And I couldn't place it, so thank you

She does the voice of Tommy Pickles on Rugrats Oh wow, yeah, that one was a gazillionaire Oh yeah So she's like his secretary at the office Or at the construction site or whatever and she says like oh can i you know can i sleep in the on the office pull out yeah the trailer like the site pull out my apartment's being fumigated whatever he's like yeah fine don't worry about it and we see that the dad is building this warehouse for this old fucker who's married to the japanese

woman we find out so he's got this racist little animatronic doll oh god it's just he calls it a security system. It's a toy robot. It's a warehouse to store these things because he's getting so much, much of them. He's getting so much of them. So she's like, can I sleep here the night, whatever?

He's like, yeah, that's fine. And so the guy, this old man is like, hey, hey, Larry Berg, you porkin that secretary? Because that's what this old man. He's like, not bad. And he's doing arm like fisting motions. Yeah. I think that's just, you know, sex. I'm saying, hey, you pork-in-er?

Yeah. Like, just, hey, hey, Larry Bird, imagine my hand, my fist is your dick. Look at that. It's going in and out of something. And to top it all off, I'm not going to say fuckener. I'm going to say pork-in-er. So you think of a pig.

What do you think about that, Larry Bird? Oh, and guess what? Larry Bird is, he's been fighting with the misses, so he's not going home that night. He's going out drinking with this guy. Because they're fighting over the fact that they may have a gay son. And she's like, whatever it is like, what the fuck? Which is, you know what?

That is a problem. That's a huge problem. So he's like, all right, hey, hey, old man. I'm going to take you out for drinks at this bar. We're going to get fucked up. And I'm going to show you pictures of my son and ask you if you think he's gay. And then in return, you're going to tell me about your, quote, oriental wife. Which he bought or something.

Like, it's this weird thing. It's weird. Oh, man, I saw, I was in New York one time, and my buddy was going to work, and his wife, he was going to miss a bus, and then his oriental wife jumped out in front of the bus, so he didn't miss it. She knew what, she knew what the fuck was what, and then I porked her. We've porked every night since our wedding day. So the dad, like, drunkenly is like, well, I can't go home because I'm drunk, I guess. So he stumbles back to this trailer, like, where Dottie's just sleeping like she got permission to do. And then the dude, like, passes out on her.

And she's like, oh, no, that's what it was. Oh, fuck. Gross. And then they wake up the next morning. And it's like, oh, you were drunk? Oh, okay. Yeah, I just didn't move, though. Like, if that's the case and you really want to avoid, like, go sleep in the car.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's like six in the morning. And the phone rings because he didn't. You know, he didn't come home. Larry Byrd did not come home. And the secretary just instantly answers it. Yeah.

Like confirming that they were. Porking. Yeah, pork at each other. Hey, I know you were porking. They infected not pork. No, they're not pork. He's being, you know, he's being considered to have porked when he did not pork. He's supposed to get porked by some divorce attorney.

That's what he's going to get pork by. But it's another hilarious misundress. understanding. This is a fucking Three's company episode Sands the Regal Beagle.

Also Sands all the laughs. And Sands the talented John Ritter physical comedy which is replaced here by Patrick Dempsey's

total subpar physical comedy. It's literally like Three's Company but it was just four Larry's in a room which is actually hell.

It's been wondering. So then he, another client is Kirstie Alley who's like this doctor and she's like a all business like take your clothes off and let's do it but then somehow that just turns into she just wants to dance her and robert picardo used to go dancing and she doesn't do it anymore but now now patrick dempsey is like reinvigorating her and and she says something

and this like this sets off a montage an annoying montage where she's like you know if you got better at being a grown adult these ladies would treat you with more respect and you might get more customers. So then it's like a training montage. You know, instead of fighting or like weightlifting, he's learning how to be a better lover. Now one fucking condom in this montage. You can't just show me literally in his wallet, a condom. This is where the shot of him at the drugstore doing like, you know, you won the

Toys R Us Nickelodeon contest and you get to throw all the toys in your cart and under a minute. Exactly. By the way, in this montage, I don't want to lose this. this is one of my favorite moments. One of your faves? Yeah, he's force-feeding an ice cream Sunday to this older woman. Oh, that makes you want to throw up.

And then he's like, as if she's never had an ice cream Sunday before, he's like, slurping her up. And here's the best part. And he's like, it's weird because it's kind of like he's feeding a baby. Because he's just like, here comes the cherry. And she's like eating this cherry like, Oh my. This is fun. I'm glad this is costing me $200.

Yo, what the fuck? Get that dick out already. A pay $200. Put the ice cream away. Turn off the bad music and let's fuck. Oh, you're trying to dance like Fred Astaire? That's cute. Can we please have sex now? Seriously, what am I paying for? $200 bucks in 1989.

My God, a lot of money. It's like four G's now, I think. I think also in this montage, we get him at Make Out Ridge. Oh, yeah, where he's spotted by Dylan Walsh for a hot second. Yeah, and just making out with this lady at Make Out Ridge, man. It's a useless cutaway to remind you that Dylan Walsh is in the movie. Right.

We reveal later that the ice cream woman is his mother. Oh, oh, is that the connection? Yeah. So he's fucked his mother. He fucked Dylan Walsh's mother. Yeah, he's a motherfucker. He almost fucks his own mother in this movie. get to that.

But this Make-out Ridge, man. Urban legend? What? No, those are real. Those are real? Oh, yeah. I haven't really seen those in movies.

Yeah, no, I lived in the Bronx. Those are called crack dens. Like, you know, he wouldn't go to any ridges that were like dark and secluded. It's like, oh, no. People are dealing drugs. Dude, it's called parking by the airport, man. Whoa. Yeah, dude.

Park by the airport. Figure it the fuck out. Yeah. Lift off, right? so i don't know what the fuck i mean there's a there's another ridiculous where the dad so the mom is pissed off at the father you know there's another gag where he like picks up the phone

and there's like a water main break but then also there's a man heckling some prostitutes nearby so this lady's like who are those women i hear and he's like oh don't worry about them honey there's just a couple of hookers so that now she thinks like he's sleeping with hookers so the wife is not happy with larry bird then larry bird's not happy that the sun is, like, running upstairs to learn how to dance.

Yeah, he's like, oh, man, what a fruit I got. So there's a real Chris Cooper dad. Sorry, you lost the lottery. Yeah. And this ridiculous line of dialogue when he goes into the room, and Patrick Dempsey's, like, looking through, like, a GQ or some equivalent, you know.

And the dad comes in with a magazine, and he's like, oh, hey there. I got the annual football edition. I was like annual football What do you sound like you're trying to cover something out Yes the football edition He's also like ask him like he's like oh you want to throw the ball around a little bit Let's see see if you still got it

Yeah he throws him a baseball and and Dempsey catches it without any issue And he's like oh I see you still got it huh you can still catch a ball That's a good sign right You haven't lost your ability to catch things So you all know right If you like sports you're a heterosexual If you dislike sports, you are a homosexual. There is no...

Period underlined... There is no Venn diagram. Those are two separate circles. Absolutely. That's what this movie's telling you. There's a great moment. Towards the end of this montage where he shows up, extra anchovies.

And he goes into this house and here's this babe getting out of the swimming pool. And he's like, I'm here with the pizza. And she's like, okay, just put it down right there. And he's like, oh, right here? Oh, okay. And he starts taking his... What?

I was just going to say pants. I'm so excited for this. He drops his drawers and then, like, you hear this woman like, kids, pizza's here. And this little boy sticks his head over the staircase. And this kid's got some good taste in pizza because he's like, do you get the extra anchovies? And she's like, why, yes, I did. Sophisticated palate, son of mine.

Come on down and eat this delicious pizza. Yeah, you wouldn't, like, at this point, like, you can't just go in someone's house and start jerking off because they ordered anchovies on their pizza. I think that was probably a thing where they're like, you know, we never addressed in this screenplay? What happens if someone actually orders that? Now, the gag you want, though, right, is for, oh, extra anchovies next stop, Bonertown. Yep. Door opens, sweaty fat guy. Yes, yes.

And it's like, oh, did you order the extra anchovies? and you can play this one of two ways. Yes, he did, or no, but my wife did. Oh, your wife's home? Yeah, my wife's home, of course. Oh, and you're going to be here too. Like, you can play it that way, right? But no, it's just this dude drops his pants in front of children and then runs out.

And the lady's like, now that was weird. Instead of being like, hello, senior pizza, your delivery guy just whipped his cock out in front of my kids. He totally did. It's just like, oh, senior pizza delivery boy. wild teenage adventures why aren't there any like you know yeah like why can't you have that scene or you can't have like

a scene where he delivers a pizza to a black woman ever nope not having that in this movie I don't think I'm almost positive not a single black person talks in this movie I don't even lose an extra it's insane that's diversity folks and gay people should be in prison Reagan's America man

yeah Reagan's America not too different from Putin's Russia. Watch how to survive a plague. You'll throw up. Oh, you'll throw right the fuck up. That's an infuriating film. What is this?

How to survive a plague. Go on. Tell me. It's a documentary about like the early years of the AIDS epidemic. And how Reagan and Bush were just sucking their own dicks while everyone died in the street. Yep. Wow. Yeah, it's fucking horrible, dude.

Get ready to get mad when you watch how to survive a plague. Get ready to get mad when you watch Lover Boy. when Larry Bird is homophobic. No, I'm sure Larry... No, I don't know. So, now it's time for Carrie Fisher to show up. Because why not? And you know what?

I don't understand what... And this is like a thing where the second they called Cut on Return of the Jedi, Carrie Fisher turned into Milton Burl. I don't know. Like, you know what I mean? Like, everyone was like, oh, she's just... She looked fantastic. In the 80s and 90s

And in like Harry Met Sally She's just like An old shrew She's like the bitch friend She's just ugly You know what I mean Like movie language for ugly

And then this one she's like I'm such a fat piece of shit And I was like She's gorgeous It's still like she could put The fucking gold bikini back on In this movie Yeah

And I could have used that in this movie We could have all used that Could use something This movie though Does another stupid thing Which is like The fun impromptu photos shoot because she's like I'm married to this bodybuilder and he you know he doesn't eat meat he

he doesn't do this but I love cheese and I love pizza and you know whatever else she's like I I hide meat in the house somewhere and he's like oh well I think you're beautiful and she's like no seriously though I'm an old hag I'm Gary Fisher in 1989 you wouldn't want to have sex with me right and so he's like I got an idea let's have some fun and like they just start taking pictures, and she's definitely recreating some leoposes here. Nice little Star Wars nod. You happy, Eric?

Very. But again, it's like the bigger actresses in this movie, like they don't even try to insinuate that there's sex going on. Yes. This is really the only scene that Carrie Fisher's in until the credits. Yep. And then with Kirstie Alley, it's like, I'm going to

teach you how to be a better male prostitute, but you're never going to see us in any sort of like post-coital situation whatsoever. It's very strange. And at this point, two things are going on. One, his parents' anniversary dinner is in like a week. And I'm like, okay, good, this movie's ending. This movie now has a clock and it's ending. And he's like trying to get, you know, because the thing is, you know, he hid his girlfriend from his parents. So he's like, come to the anniversary, you know, I'll introduce it to everybody. And then,

you know, it'll be great. Which A is a punishment. Nobody wants to go to anybody's parents' anniversary, especially if we're fucking broken up. It's like, yeah. Let's go on a couple of dates first. And it's the first time you're meeting these people at a 20th anniversary party. And they might be getting divorced too. Yeah, by the time this movie's over

with, they're headed for Splitsville. And you want this woman there? So that's one piece. And she's like, I don't know. And then on the other end is this old fucking jerk, who is the friend, is Larry Bird's pal. He's married to the Japanese.

woman. Yes, and he he kind of looks like, it's like a D-Team Robert Loja. Yeah, he does. Which is, I mean, yikes. I got fired from the Sopranos, because I can't read. I got fired from Seinfeld because I pulled a knife on the show's

star and creator. Did he really? Oh, yeah, dude. What do? There's some, there's some story about Loja. Like, he played Elaine's dad in that one episode with the reversible jacket. No, he didn't. No, you're thinking of, well, that's what he, that's what he, Wait, yeah, he didn't.

Are you saying he was recast as this guy? Who plays Elaine's father? Lawrence Tierney. Oh, Lawrence Tierney is the one who pulled a knife out on the set of sign. Oh, no, no, yeah. Yeah. Robert Loja, you've been exonerated. But he definitely got fired from Sopranos because he couldn't remember lines, though.

Yeah. Oh, I'm going back to jail because I got caught stealing all those TVs. Okay. I guess I better do orange juice commercials. Loja. Didn't, like, the mafia, like, the mafia, like, set them like set him up didn't they turn him in yes because he was just like an annoying old man they were like you know what go back to jail sorry yes no laurence tyranny pulled out a knife on the set

of Seinfeld and they were like you're weird and not coming back yeah that makes sense yeah oh yeah he just mix up those old bastards huh what i love about this old bastard is he's wearing a green jumpsuit like this whole movie through the whole film we're talking days and weeks yeah he's wearing the same outfit so he comes home early Obviously, Dempsey's pork and his wife. Pork! Yeah, they're porking in the bathtub this time. And, of course, it's a whole...

We got to hide him throughout the house. This guy's suspicious of something. Right. We get a nice little shot of him with a straw in the tub. Like Daffy Duck, dude. It's so dumb. It's like Daffy Duck was porking my wife in here. You fucking a duck in here! Oh, no, Toon Town.

I'm going to run on the other side of Toontown. I've been working to demolished Toon Town for years. Now they're coming over to my side and fucking my wife. I mean, I'm sure that that's maybe in the book of Roger Rabbit, which no one's ever read. But people are like, you know, racist against cartoons, definitely. Oh, yeah. We're fucking cartoons and we're also racist against cartoons.

Absolutely. Oh, yeah. There's tune hate crimes. You just didn't call them hate crimes because it was the 80s. Yeah. It's true. Reagan's America. So now the thing is, like,

All the husbands are getting hip to the sitch, right? So, like, Robert Loja D team is like, I'm going to find out who's been pork in my wife. And then, like, it turns out, like, oh, this doctor was making home visits every Tuesday. Turns out it's Robert Picardo, who's Christ, Kirstie Alley's husband. This old man barges into a fucking surgery. Yeah. And just, like, Robert Picardo's like, it's okay. You're in good hands.

Blah, blah, blah. He comes in, you're poking my wife. I just like attacks this man. Dude, I didn't realize I had a problem with this, but there's, in this scene, he's like, you're parking my wife. And he knocks over in an IV and a guy's arm goes. And I'm like, oh, yeah. I almost passed out.

I was almost passed out of my couch. Oh, ha. Oh, yeah, dude, anytime you're seeing those things get ripped out and like TV's a TV. Oh, yeah, you don't want it. So Picardo's all like, I didn't know Darlene was married. Who the hell is Darlene? and why are you a hologram? So then he's like, oh no, it must have been my wife's personal trainer who comes to the house.

Let's go get that guy. And they go, this old man breaks the glass on the front door with a golf club. Right. And this is Kerry Fisher's house. Right. And then like this dude rolls up, you know, he just got to, I guess he's walking home from the gym. This is an Arnold reject. Oh, he's a total. Arnold Schwarzenegger probably once made fun of this guy at a bodybuilding competition.

I guaranteeed he was offered this part first. You think so? Presume you're making this movie in 1987. So this is what, two years after Commando? You know what? Maybe not, but I think it would have been someone, you know, bigger to go out, opposite Kerry Fisher. I think the screenplay probably said an Arnold Schwarzenegger type. There you go.

So then then only Thornton lost out? Oh, yeah. He didn't even get a first. phone call, dude. You're having sixes with my wife. Sorry, you're just a little too burly for us. We're looking for more Mr. Universe. Hello, Arnold.

Yes, we would just like to let you know that we had Sven read for us. And it just didn't work out. So stop calling. But he's great. So then this dude rolls up and he's like, I need to get him off my couch. He's like my turtle over here. Niga enthusiast turtle

Which I will admit is indeed Simultaneously a blessing And the curse So he's like This bodybuilder's like Oh great First I find out my wife's cheating on me Now you guys are breaking into my house

Well go ahead and take everything He starts crying And it's like a gag This is a big burly guy Yeah could you imagine Yeah a man that can lift weights What's feeling What? This is going, this movie's all topsy-turvy.

My whole 1980s is going backwards, upside down. So they, they form a team, and they're like, okay, we're going to get to the bottom of, you know, who's been borking our wives here. We're going on hubby patrol. Meanwhile, like, Patrick Dempsey's storyline, like, kind of peters out while these other two B and C stories take over the movie. And all we know is that he is now. one fuck away from making his $9,000. Well, because his buddy has got this shitty

Cassio calculator, the whole movie. And he's like, oh, that's this many fucks. If you do this many fucks in one night, that's this much money. And like, he's like, oh, dude, you're one fuck away. Here it comes. And like, he is... Dempsey's, like, all, like, upset. He starts to feel...

He's feeling bad because he's women have husbands. And he's like, somebody's going to kill me. There's a really bad fantasy sequence at this point. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, where, like, the body Builder breaks into the restaurant, like, beats the shit out of him. And then Robert Picardio, like, cuts him up or something like that. It's like, oh, my God. Well, they were going to, they were going to beat up Patrick Dempsey, but

I drink with Larry Bird. And he told me that this kid's a homo. Oh, well, that's what they actually confront him. But the dream sequence. No, the dream sequence. We're speaking a nightmare on Elm Street. Yes, exactly. Like Robert Picardo is just like cutting him up on the operating team.

Oh, right, right, right. So we got that We got husband patrol going on He's feeling bad about everything And then with the whole thing With the parents Like it's the day of the anniversary party And the mom is like

You know what I'm gonna use the business card That my doctor Kirstie Alley gave to me To help you know Settle this business with my husband Yeah because she's like stressed Like she thinks she hasn't having a heart attack And she's like no it's not

Nothing physical you know And she's like well my husband's cheating on me And he's like oh say So then here's the gag right the final fuck is his mom just and now we've got a big

three's company thing we're like how does he not she not see him is that how that because she like goes out to get ice or something and leaves the hotel room door open and he comes in with the pizza

and then goes into the bathroom she comes back into the room goes to the bathroom to not put a condom on he throws a condom in the garbage well it's family dude yeah it's yeah it's disgusting um but then he yeah he comes back out of the bathroom and he's like mom mom and like goes back in and is hiding he jumps out the window of this hotel room and the whole time she's like you know debating about what i can't do this should i do this

blah blah blah yeah he goes back to the pizza place and tells this is my favorite part of this movie he says to like the italian guy who's standing outside like talking up some chick he's like oh hey tony like go to this hotel address and deliver this pizza for me hey Tony fuck my mother yeah hey Tony do me a favor and go fuck my mom is like what's going on descend upon my mother in this hotel room why wouldn't you just be like

yeah boss the pizza was delivered and then like throw it away and that's worse things worse you know the mother calls again and is like I didn't get my pizza with extra anchovies oh here's 12 bucks boss so then like the girlfriend shows up. She's somehow, I mean, she must have

had literally nothing else to do. Nothing else to do on this day to drive hours to this anniversary party for two people she's never met, who are the parents of her boyfriend that she broke up with two months ago. It's ridiculous. And Dylan Walsh is like, oh,

that guy's a prostitute. She's like, what? And he's like, yeah. And they have this scene in the car, which negates like 88% of the movie where he's like, oh, you know, I was just so confused and I needed the money and blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, I only had, I didn't even have sex with all of them. And I'm like, well, what? No, you did. That's what the $200 is for. I don't care. All we saw you do is feed her ice cream. Yes.

You fucked her. And, you know, the movie is presupposing the idea that these women just want a little bit of attention. Yep. And maybe a night out on the town or inside, you know, just a little. Romance, Eric. Exactly. Romance.

Because women don't like sex In case you were wondering. That's true. Women like romance and flowers and male prostitutes that don't have sex with them. I've never known women to like sex. It's just an outrage.

Every time he got paid $200, he did a sexual act with one of these women. I don't care what happened. Ballroom dancing is $50 top. And that, yeah, ballroom, okay. We don't know. what that means. So at this point, Tony turns into

maniac cop. I thought like a peppy Lepew. It's kind of a peppy Lepewpew meets maniac cop. Yes. He's chasing her on his moped or whatever. Because he goes to the room and she's like, oh, you know, I canceled that beat. He's like, no, you

didn't. Oh, my God. Playing hard to get. Well, you know what, Steve? This movie tells you that it's her fault because as soon as she answers the door, he steps in like, pizza a delivery and she like starts making out with it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she's like, wait a minute, what am I doing? I can't do this. And he's like,

nope, we're past that point. But even though this is what I'm really saying, it's charming because what you're hearing is a cute Italian accent. Yeah. But I'm really the creepiest fuck in the room.

Yeah. The fucking universe. So then... Big no means yes. Much like Robert Patrick, the T-1,000. She's driving down the road to escape this man And he's following on a motorbike It's so T-1000 before T-1000 happened It's true

Well also this movie Do the right thing steals us from this movie Because it's all like Mookie, delete the deliver those pizzas And he's fucking the whole time Oh wow You're totally right Patrick Dempsey's listening to Sam Jackson on the radio He throws that garbage can through the window

Because I ran out of anchovies There is some stupid gag Where like the restaurant tour is like Can you believe all these anchovies I'm going true? And you're like oh boy do I get it Yeah I think it's part of the montage of him Corking these ladies

There was like the stacking of the anchovy boxes Oh no! Yeah, Tommy So she finds out The girlfriend finds out that he's been a prostitute all summer, which is, you know what? That's enough. And that's that. Good day.

And it's fine. We just don't date each other anymore. You know what I mean? You've cheated on me literally. And you know what? When you're broken up and, you know, there's that if it's a story in which you get back together in the middle, those any sexual encounters are being held against you in a court of law. That's how that shit works. Totally.

It's not like, oh, we were broken up. watch fucking friends. Yeah, dude. We were on a break. It's that times 45 and I got paid for it. I'm doing the math right now. So he needs $9,000. Sure.

And he gets 200 bucks a pop. So it's 45 encounters. Are you serious? Yeah, 45. Yeah, 45. 45 encounters with a woman to make this happen. Like, you know what, dude, you cheated on your girlfriend. A lot.

That's the end of it. And she's also, it's kind of unfair of this girl. She's also, like, disgusted that they're older women. Yeah. Because the guy, the Steve Zahn look alike is like, hey, Skeach, you know what's great? They were all enough to be my mother or whatever. You know, it's great. Or no, I think it's Dylan Walsh that says this.

And, you know, and she's just like, first I was mad, but now I'm going to throw up. You know, like, that's the way she acts about it. Because nothing but 24-year-olds are calling male prostitutes. And at this point, this like horde of furies that are this like ex-husbands club descend upon like Dylan Walsh and Patrick Debs here about to fight like in the middle of this like Dylan Walsh almost rapes this girl for no reason. Yeah. It's like the second attempted rape in like four minutes for this movie. It's like, aren't you so pissed off that your boyfriend's a jingalo like let's, you know, drop. the zero and get with the hero you know and she doesn't want any of it she literally jumps into

a car like it's the end of texas chainsaw she does it is exactly that like this convertible of like beachbound teens drives by and she's like no stop and just like gets in and i'm just like yeah i would do that with dylan walsh too he's like a leather face in this film there's so many sexual leather faces so he winds up you know uh coming back to the pizzeria that's where she goes and like you know Patrick Dempsey finds out and instead of fucking Ray Leotaing this guy which has hit him in the nose with the butt of a gun six times oh yeah that's what you want to do yeah that's the best scene in anything it's true this big long string bean turd like hey you want something and he just gets fucking destroyed by Ray Leota I love it so instead they're gonna have

like a parking lot rumble and they get out there and Patrick Dempsey's like okay fine but no rings and no change. You got to play clean, all right? We're going to fight in a parking lot. And then, like, you know, the ex-husband's club comes out, and they're like, there he is. And then the guy is like, no, no, no, I know that boy. Father says he's a fruit cake. And you're like, yeah, right?

He wouldn't pork any women? Yeah. And then so it must be this other man just standing here. And they beat him to death. It's insane. Like, they take him to, they're going to do all sorts of shit to do them all weekend. Oh, yeah. knocks him down. Robert Picardo

drops a tree on his head. Because there was like a landscaping truck right next to this. And then the bodybuilder like slings him over his shoulder and they just walk out of frame with this. You know where the trunk and they drive off. You know where they're going.

Human centipede's house. Dude, Robert Picardo has that operating room. Yeah. Sitting there, dude. Oh yeah. They're going to numb him up. Dr. Giggle's shit happened. Yeah, dude. They're going to numb him up. And then slowly remove pieces of him while he watches and keeps conscious.

Instead, we have to make a pit stop at this retirement or this anniversary party. That's where everybody's going. This tornado of madness is descending on this place. That's kind of... Because the T-1000's still after its mother at this point. Oh, yeah. No, that's happening. She's trying to race

there to make up with the husband. Patrick Dempsey is racing there to try to save his parents' marriage with the ex-girlfriend in tow. But also, he's just like, yeah, oh, Dylan Wall Yeah, well, I guess he tried to rape his girlfriend. He's like, oh, that guy's going to die. Oh, well, so he's dead.

That's the end of that. Yeah, totally. The mafia killed him anyway. Exactly. So they get to this restaurant, and this party is just destroyed by this huge fight scene. It's a big rumble. I don't know why the Horde of Ex-husband's show. Oh, because Dylan Walsh tells them, it wasn't me, it wasn't me, is this kid.

Right, because they go back to the Robert Loja's house, and the woman opens the door, and she's like, who's that guy. That's not who I was fucking. You know, so he's like, oh, pizza delivery guy. I know where he is right now. And the moral of the story is, folks, just because Larry Bird thinks somebody's gay doesn't mean that they are. Right. It's true. So there's just, there's a big kerfuffle.

There's also, this is where he's like, oh, this is my girlfriend. And Larry Bird's like, girlfriend. Oh, thank God. Right before he does this thing of like, you know what, son. Oh, yeah. I don't care if you're a fruit. Well, he doesn't, it's a really gross seed. Because he's like, you know what, son?

I don't care if you're gay or whatever. We'll figure that out. But don't, because he overhears on the phone, like, I'm going to bring you to my dad, my parents' anniversary party. He's like, oh, man, a fruit at my anniversary party. So he comes, he like cuts the son off. He's like, you know, I don't care if you're whatever. But today's not really the day for you and you're loving or announce yourselves, right?

He says that. Yeah, he does. It's really hurtful and fucked up. You know what I mean? Well, because he sees T1,000 enter and he's like, there's the, there's the kid. that's pork in my son. Yeah, he's just, I'm sure I'll grow to love you, Alex. And he's like, Alex, I'm Tony.

And I'm going to kidnap your wife. And then he's like, my wife, huh? And everybody just starts fighting with everybody. Tony says, like, she needs a real man. Yep. And then Larry Bird's like, you're talking to me? And it's instantly, the entire place gets caught up into a spitting dustball of punches And kicks.

Dude, it's like a Three Stooges pie fight scene. Yeah. Everybody is getting fucked up. Like, everybody is fighting in this scene. This scene ends with a piano falling on a cop car for some reason. And I don't know why. Because they're trying, the ex-husbands are trying to like squish Patrick Dempsey behind it. It's like, it's like Biff.

Like, I'm going to ram him. Like, that's what happened. And he, like, ducks out of the way. This piano goes out the window. And yes, lands on a cop car. And by the way, assault is. illegal so these guys are totally fucked oh yeah these those abduction

so is whatever the fuck they did to Dylan Walls assaulting a police officer because they're in the car yeah yeah everybody tries to like slink back inside and you hear like over the radio that he's like ah guys yeah let's just hold it right there you clearly dumped a piano this is also for some reason Dylan Walsh's mom's at this

restaurant too yeah I don't get that I guess she finds out about the porking maybe they're friends with sure I guess it's all Beverly Hills whatever What a shock, it's not really fully developed in this movie. Beverly Hills white people, they know it does. So she makes a remark about how she was, like, you could tell that she was one of the women that was, you know,

in on this action. The porkening. Yeah, the porcening. And then Dylan Walsh, she's like, Mom! You fuck my friend? My enemy friend of me. You fucked my friend of me.

You fucked my friend of me. You fucking. I was trying to rape his girlfriend, Mom. And then at the end would just, ballroom dancing we're just dancing dancing out to the girlfriend's just like I love you anyway and it's like what and why like you broke up with this guy for being a turd

and he slept with 45 women and you're like cool quadrupling the turd turdism without a condom by the way dude that's just that is a sewage dick if you ever saw one he made

yes it is he made enough money to get back to school He's a self-made man. Where did that $200 come from, though? Because he didn't fuck his mom. He was $200 short. Well, I guess you just save up your senior pizza paychecks.

Maybe he makes his girlfriends pay $200 to see what he's learned. You know what? I will take you back after six weeks of STI testing. Talk to you later. Yep. Once you come back with a clean bill of health, maybe we'll talk about it. Like, I want this doctor to put you through the ringer. Exactly.

And when you come out squeaky. clean, then we'll talk. It's probably going to be spring semester by the time it's all said and done. By the time he's checked every nook and cranny on you, but then maybe for some reason I'll consider getting back together. There's no way,

right? No. He's got something. He has to have something. But not only that, like, you're not taking this guy back. If you do, it's a day or two. Like, what down the line, it's like, so this is my husband. How did we meet? Well, we were dating in college and then he was a jiggle.

for a while and then I took him back and then we just decided to get married like the sequel right lover boy too well at the end he's like back on the lamb he's like oh you know I'm gonna go back to college because his dad's like ah you know what you learn your lesson being a prostitute but he's like oh you know you

you learned your lesson you worked so hard this summer don't worry I'll pay for your college because I'm rich anyway and that's like he's like yeah I'm going to go back and be pre-med and take a photography course And, like, he learned all this stuff from all these women. It's like, you know what? Shut up.

And also, what happened to you being a punk? Well, that went right out the window the day he left college. I just don't get it. Why would you drop that? Why have it in the first place? I'll tell you why. Number one, to get girls in college, and that's the only reason people do this, right? Sure.

And then he's back home, whatever. He doesn't need it anymore. He doesn't have all those party friends to him. press because he's oh he only knows losers in beverly hills well but so that's my question then when they go back to college is he punking out again is he putting on those torn jeans the spiky leather jacket and bleaching the hair again i don't know maybe maybe he'll just do the leather jacket maybe he'll meet it halfway because it kind of just sounds like this movie had no clue what it was doing nope would anybody recommend this movie i guess i would not

god that was suspenseful it was It was a real, because there's enough. It's really stupid, but it actually is about 15 minutes too long. Yeah. To your point, the Patrick Dempsey storyline fizzles out about hour 12. Yeah. And then it's just a lot of like new stuff that you just add at the end. Just de plots for no reason.

No, it's not for me. Enthusiastic recommend. Wow. Seek it out. Oh, my God. Well, it's like a time capsule. Right. It's a relic of the buying on age.

It's like you find the, eraser head baby in an alley you're going to take it inside for you know to see what that's about a little bit of not saying you're keeping it around sure yeah you might want to get a better look at it i mean i don't know if you wanted to see what patrick demsie was like in movies before he was on gray's anatomy sure i don't this movie is like so outdated that it's just like obnoxious to watch and not for me at least like not in an interesting time capsule way just like a ah fuck we were like that and you know what i don't like Patrick Dempsey at all.

I don't. I never have. No, I never will. I've hated him since I saw him for the first time in something in Scream 3 as that movie loving detective and I was like, well, that guy's a jerk and now he's been on TV for 10 years. I will say, I probably saw this movie in like 91, 92. So that's

tainted for me. Did this make the rounds on HBO? Where were you watching this? Oh, yeah. It must have. You know, one of the movie channels. It didn't make it on Cinemax, that's for sure. Not a tit in sight! I agree with your grievances, Lord Cinemax. That's Loverboy from 1989, directed by Joan Micklin Silver, the director of Invisible Child.

Check out the other shows on our network, sideshownetwork.tv. For more information about our fine program, check out our website, wh-hmpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. And right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Could this movie have used a condom purchasing money? I think yes.

As does Steve. Have you ever been on a condom purchasing montage? You know what a condom purchasing montage is? That movie Trojan Wars. We got to do that movie. It's coming up at some point, man. The film career of Will Friedel? Yikes.

One and done. Rate and review the show on iTunes or wherever you get the fine program, we would greatly appreciate it. Clue for next week's episode. Rap break. Excuse me? Rap break. Rap break. Okay.

as in stopping the movie dead to do some raping. We ain't talking Christmas presents. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jopin. Eric Siska. Steve Zedek. Take it easy.