We Hate Movies - S5 Ep202: Teen Witch

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this week's episode, it's a real We ❤️ Movies situation as the gang casts a spell over 1980's suburbia in the cheese-fest teen comedy, Teen Witch! What would a girl-centric Teen Wolf have looked like? Could that sexophone get any sexier? And how was that teacher not fired immediately? PLUS: JFK's ghost haunts the Bush I White House! Teen Witch stars Robyn Lively, Zelda Rubinstein, Dan Gauthier, Mandy Ingber, Shelley Berman, Marcia Wallace & Dick Sargent; directed by Dorian Walker. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. This week, we're talking about a really great movie. It's 1989's Teen Witch, directed by Dorian Walker. And this is, this is a so bad it's good. It's so bad it's great. Yeah, I watched this and I was like, is this the worst thing I've ever seen in my life? No, it is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's an outrage. It's just such a weird. artifact like a perfect

artifact like more so than even like you'll talk about like oh you know those saved by the bells really show you what it's like the 89 and the 90 what we thought was cool at the turn of the 90s right this is it not that because the other thing is saved by the bell was going

for laughs in like the worst way possible sure I I believe in my heart of hearts that they didn't think this movie was that funny like they thought it was like a solid like teen angst like coming of age sure via witchcraft movie this is our say anything yeah exactly it's a little funny but you know it's really about heartache yeah yearning well that's the thing right because it's like it's the teen comedy like high school comedy it's a musical and then in one crucial scene it's a it's a really steamy sex show what the fuck with that scene i don't know i mean oh we'll talk about it stay tuned for 45 minutes from now

so teen witch is not unlike teen wolf right it was intended as a sequel like a girl sequel to teen wolf and then at the last second they switched it to a witch oh really oh yeah like it was going to be a she wolf it was going to be a she wolf possibly of the s but that's not confirmed that was no no that was that was her her her grandmother. Yeah, exactly right. No, yeah. It was going to be like a girl teen wolf and then they changed it. And that's why if you look like all the poster art and all that shit, it's just, it's the teen wolf font. It's basically the same tagline. Like it's the whole thing. And then they were like, no, girls should

be witches, not wolves, I guess. Which I mean, I am glad. I mean, because this does sort of follow the teen wolf formula, which is you learn in your pubescent stage that you have a supernatural, such and such. Right. It makes you cool. It makes you cool. The cool goes to your head. You learn a little lesson. And the most important thing is to be yourself. And that's, I don't know why you used sort of in that. I mean, it's Teen Wolf with a witch. There's no basketball. Right. Yeah. Thank God she's not playing basketball. You focus a little more on the popularity contest. You do. Because for girls, that's girl basketball. Well, according to the movie. Yeah. You know, not according to me.

It's all about, like, you know, asking me to the dance and falling in love forever and all of that shit. There is a play involved, but that thing is just, who knows what's going on there. There's a lot of dropped plot lines in this movie. I mean, the main plot line drops off to usher in the credits. Like, this movie completely turns off and you're like, wait, that's it? It's like a sketch comedy as a movie. It's like, oh, we're doing this scene now. Now, no, now we're there.

and on to the next scene. It's, yeah, it's all over the place. So, so the, the main character here, what is her name? Robin Lively, she's, uh, Karate Kid 3. Yes, uh, also in Dream A Little Dream, uh, Louise Miller. Yes, so, and she's like a Molly Ringwald type. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what my wife said.

She was like, how many times do you think this chick walked into an audition office? Yeah. And saw Molly Ringwald sitting there and was like, fuck me. God damn it. And just left. Or like, I bet you know who else She probably had some beef with Is that chick that played Pippi Longstocking

Oh, Tammy Aaron Yeah, I bet they had a fucking feud Well, Tammy Aaron always came in third in that regard Like it was just like, yeah, you're not getting called back Tammy Aaron That's fine The world was fine with Tammy Aaron Not getting called back

I don't know So the beginning of this movie is kind of like The Paula Abdul video The Dancing with a Cat video Because we're on a rooftop. You don't know nothing about anything. No. There's no like...

I still don't. You know, I could have used a like... A scroll. A scroll would be nice. A turn of the century kind of Salem witch trials thing. Yes, because... A prequel part? Yeah, we are dealing with like these witches past lives.

When the old lady from Poltergeist shows her a witch yearbook or whatever is going on in that scene. But you're totally right. The prequel. It's like the two of them, they're best friends. And she's like, oh, no, we've got to get burned at the steak. And they, like, go up together. And they have to wait. They have to pause for a yearbook photo.

And then they get lit up and she's like, I see you again soon, child. Quick, put your essence into this amulet. Man, there is a magic amulet in this movie and it's really cheap looking. Um, so, but instead of any of that, it's just her dancing on a rooftop. Is it the same guy or is it like some dancer? It's the same guy. It's the dude who plays the villain and son-in-law. Okay, fake Tom Cruise, as I like to call it.

Yes, most definitely fake Tom Cruise. He probably did some stunt work from Tom Cruise back in the day. Um, but yeah, and it's, it's the two of them accompanied by their chaperone, the saxophone. The saxophone, because this is a sexy saxophone going on, man. And they're just dancing. and then this song... Oh man, the toots start coming. The music in this movie is shit.

It's great. It's great shit. It's a delicious turd, this soundtrack. You're looking for... You know, we're almost there at Christmas time. Give me a copy of a teen which on vinyl. You think it's out there? Someone's got it.

I mean, I got tough turf on vinyl. You think we're almost at Christmas time? We're starting to think about shopping for Christmas. No, we're not. What are you, my elderly aunt? Oh, better buy Andrew that amulet with my essence in it. Well, I know he likes I'm getting stuff from when I'm on vacation. I'll just get him something from when I'm on vacation.

She would buy you a creepy TV. So it's a very long, drawn-out dance sequence. Oh, it's about as drawn-out as it gets. And you just, yeah, it's useless. It's about as useless as a cartoon opening, I think, right? Oh, yeah. At least the car, like, think back to the cartoon opening of Lover Boy. It sort of tells a tale.

Yeah. This is just two people drink it. Yeah. It's, our dancing. I looked at you opening a beer and said the word drinking. It's two people dancing. And you're like, all right, I presume that's the teen witch because I saw the preview. That's why I'm here, presumably.

Yes. You know, God bless whoever got suckered into seeing this blind. But, you know. and then this whole they're about to smooch and I'm like I'm like fucking get it Tammy Aaron rip off like let's do it and then she wakes up to I think one of the creepiest actors of the 1980s and it's not the poltergeist lady wake up child no it's it's the kid who was like the little boy vampire in near dark and he's in Rivers Edge that fucking creepy kill show oh man he's a disaster and he's he's it's he's her younger brother he's in her room while she's sleeping eating cake under her bed yeah folks at home that's happened to you all the time right he's wake up your weird younger siblings consuming cake under your bed he's like feral he is and that's the weird thing about this kid though dude is every role he had it's

the same skittish like tat to tail Like, he's just this far away from being a wildling. Like, it's really weird. He's like, I can't eat cake in my room, but mom will kill me. He's like, you're going to eat cake under your sister's bed? Well, because he can eat the cake and jerk off at the same time. Yeah, well, that's part of the fetish, clearly. He's saving time, dude, because he also then has to get ready for school.

You know, it's a school day, Steve. Well, that's like, he's also reading his sister's sexy diary. Oh, my God. And he's like, oh, my God. and you want to go out with Daryl, la la la la la la la la la. And, like, taunting his older sister with his own tongue. Yep. And he's like, oh, you want to get smooched, right?

You just want to be in the big dance and get smooched. And he's like, ah, and he's got cake all over his face. It is repugnant. Repugnant scene the first. So, you know, whatever. Like, she's a bit of a social outcast. Sure. Not quite a loser, you know, but she's just, she's gone by unnoticed, you know?

She's the middle ground. Quick question about that kid and why he's eating cake under the bed. You think we got some monster's ball going on in this house or what? Because, like, there's a lot of, like, him sneaking food. You mean chocolate ice cream? Well, I'm getting the shit kicked out of a green candy bar. Dude, it's been so long since I've seen that movie. I was like, Steve thinks Hallie Berry's getting fucked in this house somewhere.

A baby in the attic. No. Puff Daddy's getting the electric chair. What? How about that movie? Was it Little Monsters with the Howie Mandel? Oh, and Fred Savage. That might be going on under that bad, I think.

That kid's a little monster. He could have played the little monster. Sorry, Howie Mandel. We fucking found one. He's going through to the netherworld with all the monsters. Oh, you're totally right. He actually lost out to Stephen Dorf for the gate, by the way. Really?

Yeah, he was going to play The Gate. no that's the movie with your favorite surprise dead dog sequence oh man that movie is great with a capital g i tried watching it one time and i fell asleep it's got a little sleepy vibe in the beginning but it gets there oh i was just really messed up and passed out on the couch it wasn't like legitimate sleep it was forced sleep so whatever she's going you know her friend picks her up they're both social outcast we kind of learn that she skipped a grade so she's really smart and that's part of why she's a social right which you know that always happened we cut to school and this is the first of many rap sequences and i mean many and there's a lot yeah it's like a new kids on the block era rap it's again repugnant it is an affront to the genre of hip-hop like really i think it's the best thing it's ever accomplished really these three italian guys fucking hip-hop

rapping in their in their ashkosh bagash overalls. I was into it. Their backwards painter hats, these fucking dickheads. Yeah, it's like a BK. Knights commercial. It is awful.

And it's basically they're rapping about the going to school blues. Eat shit. Honestly. Oh, I had the blues when I was going to school. Found it very relatable. It's just the cheesiest most terrible thing.

And you're right. Is this, My question, though, is this a musical? Because people do break out in the song? Yes. But she never does. No. Once they adapted to Broadway.

Which, by the way, they should do. Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. They made, no, no, no. They made a Teen Witch musical. Are you serious? Yeah. It didn't play on Broadway.

But yeah, I was reading up on the movie on Wikipedia. And I guess because this movie is so amazingly terrible that it's, you know, garnered a cult following. Sure. And so, like, 10 years after the movie was made, they were like, oh, people totally ironically love this movie. Let's make a campy music. And so the same people that wrote all this terrible music. Uh-huh. There's your problem. Oh, got it right there. Rehired the songwriters. Yeah, no, there's a musical about it. Wow. Yep. Can we get it to this terrible teacher, this fucking weirdo? Mr. Weaver?

played by Shelly Berman who's Larry David's dad on curb. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude. In this movie, he's only 80 years old at this point. I mean, he it takes a while to see through it, but it's definitely Shelley Berman. He appears

taller. Like, he's not a shrunken old man. And I think, is he doing an English accent in this movie a little bit? He's doing it something. I think it's just, you know, that snob-ish air. I've got to kind of have a little bit of a, you know. you accentuate

sort of like what I do Yeah The exact same thing So he's doing some like You know We're talking about John Dunn And so on and so forth And nobody knows who that is

And then like Louise is like actually You know he's a he's a poet Oh and you know The thing that really steamed my clams About this scene is I I was reminded of how much I hated When teachers would do this Like if someone walked in late

Yeah And then the teacher stops the class To chastise the student and pulls a lot of like you're you were just wasting all of our time it's like no motherfucker you're wasting everybody's time yeah you're the one who's stopping just let me sneak in i'm not stopping you from talking well then you're not gonna learn not to sneak in and then i think what is one of the greatest examples of humiliation in this movie not the greatest because this chick gets humiliated a lot like carry but but so they're like all right pat you know he's like pass your papers up to the front and whatnot and they put it up to the front and her a page from her diary has got stuck to her paper is this is like cake residue yeah it's because of the cake frosting cake and other things

they're sticking this thing to paper yeah i hear you icing yeah and shelley burman as mr weaver the creepy english teacher reads this shit aloud and it's like my god I felt his lips against my... And he's reading it, like, very sexually. Brad's kisses on my body. And then he's just like, oh, Louise, really. But this is a teacher, like, okay, you want to humiliate someone a little bit. Maybe you read the first sentence or something.

And then when you see that there's another person who's in the class's name is in it, you cease and desist. But this is, like, sexually charged shit, too, because it's like... I felt his body up against mine. And it's like, dude, at that point, when you got to like scan ahead. Whenever you're reading something aloud, you scan ahead a little bit. Yep, because you never know. Like one second she's talking about Brad's kisses, the next second she's blowing him. Exactly.

You know, and then you're the teacher who didn't read ahead, and now you're getting fired. Well, don't worry. It's impossible for this guy to get fired, as we'll see. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So she's humiliated. She runs out, which, I mean, do you get detention when you run out? class for being humiliated or does the teacher just call it a wash i think they call it a wash yeah you'd almost have to right it's like i got that kid good yeah it's like oh i got i got off with that one

well had enough for now right you know so speaking of musical numbers so cut to gym class and they're all changing into the same purple unitard which i think it's like they're taking a swimming lesson maybe so they're supposed to be like school bathing suits or something so she's changing into a bathing suit and then this girl comes in and then everybody throws her maxi pads at her yeah oh that's exactly right dude she starts having her period and she doesn't know what's happening to her and she's crying because she thinks she's dying

yes yes i wish that happened because then she could use her witch powers and kill all these kids but instead blood magic this girl comes in and she's just like hey Brenda I have a new cheer let's check it out together but then a musical number just happens

with the shittiest choreograph dancing it's just it's called I like boys, which is just like, you know, whatever. I mean, like, way to extol heterosexual values lady, news flash, most girls like boys. I think, you know, it's Teen Wolf was about, you know, he wants to get a nice lady. What I would do in a lady version? Oh my God. What are they like?

Hey, hey, boys. But, and this is, I feel like, you know, we'll go back to why. Teen Wolf has points over this movie in almost every category. Oh, sure. Teen Wolf is using actual rock and roll standards. You know what I mean? He's singing and dancing, but they

are actual songs. Not this I like boys horseshit. And these girls are like dancing around like really stupid, like dancing with towels and hiding behind things. It's like a bad beach boys video. Well, it is just a music video. Like the opening is a music video.

Yeah. We got a little bit of a high school blues. That's like a little interlude. But this is another movie. Because they are like the Greek chorus. Those three morons that are rapping throughout this movie are the Greek chorus. This is probably the best compliment you could give this movie. Oh my God.

I heard a podcast where they were talking about our film Gerald. Someone finally got the Greek chorus reference. Do you just imagine that they're all living in the same apartment sleeping in a tri-tiered bed like Huey and Louie? Oh, absolutely. They all have like, there's like a blue shirt, a red shirt, a green shirt, and they all have matching caps.

So she starts stalking this guy. Yep, basically. So after she's humiliated, this dude, like first names are used. Like, that teacher name names. It's Brad. Brad is his name. Obviously, again, it's the 1980s. Right.

Good looking kid. And he's a captain of the football team. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. That extended into the 90s as well. Every good looking athletic kid was named Brad. So Brad is aware that this chick's like, you know, got a crush on him or whatever.

cut to football practice she's like slinking into the stadium spying on him and it's amazing because he's like you know what I'm done throwing passes for the day I'm going to take my shirt off and start doing push-ups and sit-ups

in the middle of the football field and she's just like looking and looking and looking and he like looks over like oh there's that girl that's now stalking me and she the shot is so hilarious she just slinks back into the shadows well he never gets it like so many times in this movie you like tries to be friends with her

it's like dude this is a girl that is writing fan fiction about you you know what i mean oh yes sexy fan fiction i couldn't believe that i thought i thought he was just like waiting for the perfect time to strike yes exactly like oh i'll come i'll come to your house and will you help me with your english paper oh your parents won't be home oh well don't worry about that i'm definitely not going to try anything yeah so i feel like this whole first act is really her just being humiliated because then we go from that to they're now at play

rehearsal and she's auditioning for the school play and he's like playing a king or some shit it's like a bullshit who cares play like I don't even know what it's called it's called the play from Teen Witch that someone just made up while they were writing the movie

and so like she has to audition with Brad and they do this scene everybody's kind of like talking shit from the from the crowd you know yeah and so then out comes what's her face Mrs. Crabopal. Marsha Wallis. And, you know, she's like the drama teacher and she's reading off

she's reading off all the starring roles and it's like, this person's doing this, this person's this, Brad got the lead role, Gwynnevere got the lead female role. And, oh, where's our little teen witch? Oh, yeah, your costume mistress, assistant costume

mistress. Oh, really? Yeah, she got bumped all the way down, man. That's a real, that's all the way down the stairs. But what I is like she's just like marshal wallis is reading off like all the acting parts right she's not at any point like you know stage hand prop department is this guy lenny you're the curtain puller you know it's just everybody and then louise assistant costume mistress eat shit louise we knew that you auditioned for that lead role that you wanted but just to show you how hard you didn't get it we're calling out your backup supporting role back in the fucking closet but that's weird you got to go

up to somebody afterwards you'd be like hey you didn't get the part hey you want to do costumes you know what i mean like yeah that's not what they signed on for she wants to act let her act she wants to act and the actress playing her also wants to act so that's something they had in common and the the world both was out to stifle them so to put a nice button on how awesome her day has been at school uh she's almost killed by Brad running her over with his car. Well, because he's like getting hot and heavy with Brenda, who I'm ever in the

car. Oh, it's got to be Brad and Brenda. Yeah. And I was like, oh man, is she going to try something? Like, is it that kind of a movie? Because I don't know yet. I saw that opening dance number. Anything is possible technically. Well, try what? Like a spell on these two? No, no. Brenda

would try something on Brad. Oh, I think Brenda's been trying something on Brad for a while. Right? I mean, they're young. They know what to do. Trust me, everybody knows what to do in this movie, as we'll see. Oh, absolutely.

That's the thing. It's not once in this movie is anyone like, boy, I can't wait to lose my virginity at the school dance. Everyone's on their third lap. So she's like riding a bike. You got the bad one out. And they're in the process of figuring it out, right? Yeah, I think they're close to settling down, starting a family.

um so yeah he just runs her off the road she's on her bike and he like swerves and she like literally runs off the road and he's like oh god i'm so sorry and like brend is like come on brad let's go and he's like i got to see if i killed this girl but brad i said we'd be trying things yeah this is almost and i know what you did last summer actually it could have it could have actually yeah if she's if that car was just an inch closer and she's wearing a slicker throughout this whole opening act so maybe she could be you're the hook hand. Oh, that would be great. The witch hand. Maybe she makes

a hook with magic. That would be great, right? If, like, she was thought to be dead for, like, a whole year. And then it's like, you flash forward, like, the next fall or whatever. And it's like, oh, my God, we're going to Louise's Memorial, everybody. Uh, uh, uh, Louise is coming to Louise's Memorial. And she's got witch powers. It's 1989. Of course that could have happened. You bought a ticket to Teen Witch.

You're like, oh, my God, that girl's dead. And I'm just going to haunt everybody. Awesome. Because it follows the trope, right? It's the day from heck. You know what I mean? That culminates with you getting murdered by your high school lover, you know. That's how it always works, dude.

I've been there. Isn't the plot of the wraith? Oh, with, what's his face? Charlie Sheen. Is that the plot of that movie? Well, he gets killed, right? And he comes back as like a car driver. Oh, right.

I don't know. It's been a while. so she's like he's like he goes uh he says did i kill you are you okay she's like no don't worry about it i got it you know and she runs off she says some weird suicide joke is just like oh you just botched a suicide attempt and everyone's like ew brend is like that's not funny let's go i feel bad for that girl so she runs through the woods and winds up at the house from the thriller video which it totally is we really did this um madam madame serenna's I thought that was

Little Don Draper's whorehouse It totally looked like It looks like Dick Ripman's little Oh man that's it If you have enough money in And you live in the Las Vegas area Open a little Don Draper's Hoar House Yeah man

Everyone's like sleeping with all sorts of kids And Hershey bars are there for sale Now with less cholera Whatever other antiquated Diseases Discounts for Korean War veterans so she runs up to this house and it's like you know a psychic sign and whatnot and she's like I just got to use the phone and in comes just the creepiest little actress Zelda

Rubinstein she is so great in everything well she's doing the same thing it's just yeah instead of like a like a psychic who deals with ghosts yeah this is now a psychic who deals with teen witches right oh you got a little bit of teen witch in you baby oh I noticed that smell from the second you were getting in the door. I know you're a witch like me. Well, no, she tries to scam her, right? She's like, how much money? She's like, I just need to use your phone.

She's like, yeah, but you want a reading first, there's sweet child. Sit down. How much money you got on you? And I'm like, oh, man, run. Phone don't work unless you get a reading first. That's just the way it works, child. And so she's like, I don't know, like 38 cents. Six bucks.

Oh, six bucks. all she has? Yeah, she's like, I got six bucks. That'll do. Guess I'm just going to be eating chicken feet for the rest of the week. With six bucks. No, she loves that. Yeah, she's got no problem with chicken foot stew.

Old gypsy recipe, child. A lot of long nights on the road. You got to eat all sorts of chicken feet stew. Here in little Don Draper's hall house. A lot of hor ghosts in here.

Oh, the spirits of all the hores that are come and gone through this house, child. Well, okay, now, Poulter guys, she, her, she can, like, she, like, deals with spirits. Yeah. This is a ghost and a witch on the same even footing here. Yeah. She's kind of a ghost, because she's, like, she knows about her past lives. I don't know if she's immortal or if she's been reincarnated. I think it's reincarnation.

Okay. Yes, yeah. Because she says something about, like, I've been 16, four times already. And I'm like, yep, you sure have. That's a funny way to say you're 56 years old. Every 16 years, I'm a new 16 year old girl. Oh, child, my Quincynear is coming up again. Seems like only yesterday.

Wait, is that 15? Yeah, it is. My sweet 16, man. Oh, man, there's a great sweet 16 moment coming up. soon enough so but she's like oh wait I think you got the gift girl oh you're not she goes you're not a mark you're one of us

a mark by the way oh absolutely but also she's like she's like what's your name again child and she's like Louise Miller in the best thing ever this lady just goes Miller well you

couldn't be say I'm like it's one of the most common names in America What are you pulling from that reveal? Maybe this whole thing was a long car. It really could be, right? Yeah, at the end of the movie, she's like, you fell for a child. She's like, wait, you were actually cast in spells?

Oh, Lord, that wasn't me, child. Oh, that's a great girl. Oh, you're too popular for your own good, huh? Maybe it's time you paid me $160,000. And then I'll reverse all the spells you on. So she explains, like, listen, we used to hang out in like 1600 Salem. She pulls out the witch yearbook. Yeah.

There's the two of them all done up, you know. And she's just like, yeah, you know, we were friends or whatever. So on your 16th birthday, much like a teen wolf child, you might be experiencing all sorts of powers. and she's like yeah okay whatever lady you know and then it's like the next scene she's starting to have like witch dreams and whatnot and then so it's her it's her 16th birthday party nobody's there even although she has this friend

who just doesn't is really one of the drop plot lines is this friend she has anyways the 16th birthday uh nobody's there it's just her family her dad is dick sergeant who is he's the second darren unbewit that's right yeah so get it Does everybody fucking get it?

Oh, wait. Are we getting it? Oh, my. Daron from Bewitched. Wait. Is the dad and teen witch. That's, well, that's brilliant casting. Your mind's blown, everybody?

I remember that show when I was 16 times two. I once visited Elizabeth Montgomery on the Paramount Lot. Tried to ask her if she was a real witch like me. Turned out, they don't just let nobody on lots for TV shows. I got arrested on my 16th birthday by Paramount Security. Man, Elizabeth Montgomery, by the way, gone too fucking soon. Yeah, she was great. She was.

So this is my favorite line in the whole movie. Oh, no. So it's like her 16th birthday. Nobody's there. And like her parents, her mom is like dresses her in dowdy clothes for some reason. It's like, hey, here, I got you this great outfit. It's like a really big sweater. He's like, oh, that's not what the girls wear.

And then, like, her parents are like, oh, well, where are your friends? And the brother who's got, like, has been, like, licking cake off his fingers. Oh, yeah, he's been fingering her birthday cake. And he goes, no, it's coming to your 316 party, Louise. Deal with it. And he's just got, like, cake all over his fingers. And it's, like, overly sexually aggressive. It's disgusting.

Hey, Louise, guess what? I think we're just got to have to sit here and eat all your birthday cake by ourselves. you're my sister hey louise why don't you go sleep on your bed i'll finish this cake underneath it i'll go out of your bed and finish this cake he's like perpetually dirty he's always got like muck on his face i've never wished for a character to be assassinated in a movie and i know that this isn't a movie where people get assassinated but i was still pulling for it It's like somebody two in the head with this kid.

Oh, no. It's your little brother giving you a problem. I can get the cartels to take care of him, child. I'm going to call up John Wick for you, child. We'll have your little brother exterminated in no time. John Wick's a warlock. That's why he's able to kill so many. So, oh, also at some point,

Marginne Wallace has given her this pendant that she finds I guess because that thing that's the source of all the witchcraft is her wearing this thing so she takes that and then she realizes that like she starts saying stuff like I wish he would look at me

I wish he would come over here and it's happening you know it's her 16th birthday or she is 16 now or whatever so it's all happening like Brad comes over and is like you know can we study or you know whatever, all that shit. And eventually she gets asked to this dance by Brenda, I guess.

Brenda's like, will you come with me and Brad and my cousin, whoever, to the dance? You know what? Here's the thing. When you're not in the popular circle and the popular girls descend on you, it's a setup. It's totally a setup. They're just literally going to throw maxi pads out. He's like, come to this undisclosed location. We're going to throw maxi pads at you.

And it's like a reflex because, like, that was happening in the scene. My wife was walking through the room. She was like, girls are fucking terrible. I was like, what? And she's like, they're fucking with her. Oh, no, really? Oh, Teen Witch. No popular girl asks the girl in the outskirts to be doing anything except being humiliated off of school ground.

So she's like all excited about this dance. She's again just, she's wearing like four bath mats as a sweater. Like, I don't know what she's wearing. It's like Amish pornography. Like she's so. Whoa, you know what? It was working for me. She got 17 layers on. So the doorbell rings, and she answers it with all these sweaters on.

And Steve, you said that this guy looks like J.J. Abrams. He looks exactly like J.J. Abrams. And, like, he's a pretty good-looking dude. I mean, the thing is, if it was now, the hunk of this movie would be number two to this dude. Because he's like, the dude, right? He's a handsome hipster-looking guy. Exactly. When the door opened, I was like, what?

you know i don't get it girl no he's a he's a dirty geek right well but that's got glasses what's amazing though is that goes against type two because they go to the dance and they get in there and he's just like hey want to smoke some weed and i was like wait a nerd smoking weed is he played by a muppet that'd be great oh my god that would be great if she accidentally turned him into a puppet oh that'd be amazing Terrifying. Well, it's also terrifying because they're like, all right, we're going to go to Janie's house now because Janie's having a party. You go with nerdlinger in my car and Brad's going to go in my car and whatever. Yeah. And we'll meet you there. And so this nerd, this nerd's trying to pull some shit. Dude, he's trying to get roadhead. It's disgusting. I was like, you leave that to Brad and Brenda. Trying would be a little more subtle. Yeah, he's trying to rape somebody. Yeah. He's great. and pushing her down. It's insane.

While he's driving and yelling and he's acting like a complete crazy person. Well, I guess he did marijuana and that's what happened. Oh, dude. Oh, you know what? Yep. Reefer Madness. I knew it. He got the reefer madness.

You can see it a mile away that Reefer Madness. You can see it a mile away that Reefer Madness. Fucking idiot. You should have, you're going out for the night. You don't do the ref. You do PCP. Like everybody else, dude. You drink nine beers and get behind the wheel.

Right. Like a fucking American. And then you take a hit of the crack rock. but as long as it's not weed I wish I wish not I wish you would stop trying to rape me which would be a nice wish but he's like

I wish you would disappear and like he disappears except for his glasses yeah that's weird yeah you know what if it was like he disappeared entirely I'd be like whatever but the glasses left behind

signifies to me that that kid's dead I don't know what she did to him he's dead definitely he doesn't come back he never comes back to the movie like it's awesome some of the biggest special effects in this movie is all right we're running the camera all right turn off the camera get out of the shot get out of the shot roll the camera again no no trust me it's gonna be great roll the camera again you know it absolutely so she's trying to like get behind

the wheel and not get into a car accident because she wishes this guy off this plane of existence at 60 miles an hour she wished him to the cornfields man that's it he's gone he's not coming back And so she goes back to Madame Serena and is like, what in the ever-loving fuck? Oh, you're an omnipotent witch. Didn't I tell you that girl? You could do anything. Oh, child, did you just kill your first boy? There's an amazing detail where she's like, oh, we can do all sorts of spells.

You know, we can even make our own money. And I was like, witch bucks? And she does this spell Where she makes like a stack of $20 bills Right And I was like, that's awesome U.S. dollar bills And she goes,

Wanna try hundreds? It's weird though Because she's still trying to scam this chick Out of six bucks five minutes ago. What's why have a business storefront At all if you can just Counterfeit money so easily. Oh no, you can't do

You can't spend too much of this At once or else the feds I'll get wise Because we can't, witch magic can't work with serial numbers. I've been, I've been burned before, girl. If I met a witch who can counterfeit money like this, I'm 16 years old, sure, man, I'm going to, it's going to be crazy. I'm going to have all the money in the world. Also, you might have to kill a witch.

I'm going to keep her quiet. Also, though, I'm sticking around to learn about that hundreds. Oh, yeah. The hundreds curse, you know. So she gives her like a little starter book And she's like Just go read these spells child Preferably while sitting on an eerie carousel in the dark

Cut to a creepy thing Can we just What Spurs is because she turns a little brother into a dog And it's my other favorite line by this kid Oh right He's like making this disgusting pizza It's like Victor Garber fucking had brain damage Because it's just like

We're worse than that It's the thing And here's where like movie gross food really bothers me because this little turd is making this pizza and what is sitting right there but of course a bowl of large marshmallows no no not ever

kids don't even know how to cook they're just putting anything on pizza like look if I'm going to make an out of control pizza at the age of 14 it's just a lot of cured meat's going to be on there a whole lot of cheese getting a lot of spicy tomato sauce I'm not putting

fucking candy on there. And you know what else you're not doing? Putting tomato sauce on the walls. What's going on with this kid? It's all over the place and he's like I'm like a dinner. But also that's the other thing. That dumb voice I just did is because this kid doesn't talk in the same voice or accent

in the same scene. Like what? He's doing all these voices. Oh, I just want him assassinated. And she's like, oh my mom's got a monster's ball the shit out of you when you get home fat kid. And it's just like, I don't care. He's like, Oh, you think you're hot stuff, because you went to a dance. You're a dog, Louise, a dog, a dog!

And it's like this really weird thing. Why is he yelling like a Jewish grandmother? He is, though, in that scene. I know, it's insane. But she had already, like, done I'm rubber, your glue, whatever you say, blah, blah, blah. And so when he says a dog, a dog, he turns into a dog. And let me tell you, this is an adorable dog. Oh, it's a great dog.

This dog. He left him as a dog. Oh, I would have loved to have left him as a dog. as a dog, except it's a talking dog. Oh, yeah. And so it's like just this idiot doing some voiceover work and it's like high-pitched. I'll tell you what, though. So much easier to get rid of a dead dog than a dead person. Good point. I know from experience. I buried a dog before. Oh, I see. So she dumps him into this bizarrely well-drawn bath in their house for no reason. Yeah, well, because that kid was about to take some pizza in the tub and fucking finish it off.

Yeah, so he falls in the top and he becomes a little boy again, if you can call that a little boy. This kid is disgusting. And when she ran out of the Madame Serena's place, old madam there spilled a little water on her counterfeit bills that then washed off. So the, now, the world that's being established here is that water negates all witchcraft. well because yeah she says like when you're starting out your spells aren't as powerful so they'll either wear off with time or yeah like water will mess it up so instead you see you burn a witch at the stake she comes back in a future via amulet but if you drown them maybe that's the ticket yeah well that was you know they did drown witches not enough apparently well because the whole thing was like we're gonna stick in this pond and if you drown well turns out you weren't a witch to go right to heaven everyone's having a great time in heaven That's the thing Steve

Because then the Lord starts taking care of you Oh geez I just got out of my father's house Now I got to deal with this This authority figure So you know She's practicing some spells It's like a little

A little rain, a little wind Yeah This carousel just turns on out of nowhere It's creepy as hell Well it is and it's also one of the many scenes in this movie because a lot of this is like music video right and it's like we're not really rolling sound because we know

the music's going to happen so a lot of it is like a lot of actors not knowing what to do in scenes and having like dead smiles and she's like okay I guess I'm impressed with myself what's amazing though is this scene like there's no song no one's singing anything there's I mean there's music

but she's just eerily on this carousel it's like that twilight zone where that guy like I forget the name of it but he He goes back to his hometown. He's like, oh, my hometown's not too far from here. And he somehow, like, walks back in time. Yeah, yeah.

And that carousel's there and everything. That's what it reminded me of. An eerie carousel. I don't need it. Speaking of eerie. So she's like, okay, I could do. I really, I'm a teen witch. What could I do?

I can get Brad to fall in love with me. And Brad's already come up to her and been like, hey, look, help me with my English test. And she's like, oh, fuck, I thought we were going to go out. You know, one of those deals. I'll turn it around on this guy and witch rape him, right? you know that's that's her move so she goes up to madam serena she's like how do i get a guy to fall in love with me and she's like oh girl it's so easy just take this little potion box and when you come back you can make me all so it's a hundred and he's what i'm in deep to the mafia girl

oh we need to sit we got to sit here and make we got to cover the spread the packets let me down this week oh my god i just got an idea for a great scene involving that Madame Sarita brings her suitcase of money to the mafia and the Don's there like All right, you know, we'll take a look at it And he licks his thumb And start thumbing through it

Oh no! And it starts coming off. Oh yeah! Oh my God, what's she going to do To get out of this one? Nothing. The shooter in the witch head. She gets some fucking concrete shoes. Oh, no, not the bath. Not the bath. No, big boy, not the bad. Man, that's the best Paul Sorino

That's you'll ever see Oh, absolutely So she's like How do I make him fall in love with me Hey, here's this potion She's like, oh, you could do all sorts of things Like turn a toad into a prince Oh my God, dude dude, dude, dude.

And it's like, best get out of here now, Louise. It's Madame Serena's off hours. And this fucking dude, it's like a hunk just standing there And she's just like, oh, oh, speak. to me hunk you bet you got all sorts of sexy things to say to me i got a gross question sure now is it just water that wears these things off or if this frog prince gets too moist is he gonna turn back into a frog mid it was the water thing is only because she's inexperienced yes it's like oh really yes yeah oh all right yeah no so yeah that that frog prince is good to get wet and wild

with Madame Serena. I'm happy for her. The stupid joke, like the button on the end of the scene, though, is she's like, speak to me, darling, say something sexy. And this dude opens his mouth. And of course, it's just a ribet. She still goes for it. Oh, without a doubt, dude.

She spent an hour on that shit. I had to sit around and working on this spell all afternoon. I had to find a frog. I had to find the right kind of frog. A frog I'd want to fuck. in the first place. Think about that frog, man. Like, it's just got its dumb frog brain.

He doesn't even know what a mammal's penis is. Yeah, that's unfair, isn't it? It also, like, from what this dude is doing, like, acting-wise, which is just standing there breathing out of his mouth. Sure. I think it might just still be a frog brain. Yeah, it is. Yeah, no, she's sexually terrorizing animals. Careful, careful, try, keep the door close.

I don't want to go to jail for beasiality. This cat is not so progressive these days. You ever see the movie Zoo, Child? It's a great documentary. So she's like, I own it on digital video disc. I wished myself to the future. I got a DVD player. That brave.

just has sex with a horse. Oh, he's dead. Yeah, dude, Mr. Hans is dead. So, she's like, all you got to do is sprinkle a little something on your bed seat. Let him sit down on that. He'll fall right in love with you. I think she says, by the way, you can make him your love slave. Oh, she says love slave way too many times, which is once.

And the thing about it is, Louise, as the innocent 16-year-old girl is like, oh, jeez, man. Madam Serena, I don't know. Do you think he could fall in love with me? I don't know about love, child, but I do know about love slavery. Yeah. You're just like, not the same thing. Yes, not the same thing. She wants to, like, hold hands, have somebody go to the dance with, oh, no, he'll be your sexual submissive.

It's like, no, no, no. Oh, he will live and breathe your every command, child. You could get him to agree to live in your basement if you want. I got a whole mess I got a whole mess A frog people living in my basement Man you know That's a good body to get rid of

Oh yeah You can just step on it dude Do you think she's making real dudes in the frogs too maybe? Oh yeah people to turn her down Oh yeah She's drunk with power Oh she's yeah she's lost yeah She's lost it

I kind of want the Madam Serena movie Oh, all the creepy shit she's doing While this innocent teen romance romp is happening You think she's gonna be played by Jared Harris in that movie too? Yes. So she like gets yourself all dolled up. This dude's coming over to study. She puts like, you know, like nice shades on her lamp,

like red sheets on her lamp to make it like a... It's a sex room. It's looking like little Don Draper's horse. He's got the red handkerchief all over the lampshamed child. So he comes in, it's the best line of the world. He's like, huh, a little dim in here. He probably can't study, which means no sex is going to happen ever. Yeah, totally.

If this football player walks in complaining about not being able to study, dude, it's nothing, nothing to go, nothing to do it. And the next thing he says is, where are all the chairs? Well, that's what Dick, Dick Sargent says that. No, they both say it. He says it first. Literally, it's just, it's a running gag. He's like, we're all the chairs. No, no, it's fine.

Just sit on my bed because when he sits on her bed. Yeah. He'll become her loves one. Also, if you're a bedroom, what is the appropriate amount of chairs? Exactly. How many chairs are you supposed to have? Maybe, you know, maybe one. Maybe zero.

Yeah, maybe zero. Maybe, you know what? I don't have chairs in my bedroom. It's like, oh, I don't know. We're not rich like you, Brad. And her father comes in to do like the, I'm going to leave the door open. He's like, hey, where are all the chairs? chairs and she goes i moved them because i was exercising oh man this is not going well for louise

and at this point you know uh brad like pulls off one of the lampshades like oh fuck it she opens the closet and there's like 12 chairs in there it's a patio set in that closet it's unbelievable how did she fit this many chair how could anyone move in this room with that many chairs i don't get it what do you need all that furniture for apparently you know just off camera was a dining room table. She's 16 and has one friend. You know, if I do walk into a bedroom and there's a dining room table there and no chairs,

I might ask, where are the chairs? No, it's a fair question. And he's right, where are all the chairs? Oh, no, all the chairs are in the closet. Where are all of the chairs? Oh, honey, I seem to remember the last time I was in your bedroom. There was a whole lot more chairs in here. Yes, Dick Sergeant. I kind of felt like all of the chairs

right here. Where are all the chairs? No, I mean, downstairs too because we got no chairs down there I think we got robbed Louise it's you're living in the chair room now because we hate you as a child oh you're gonna live in the chair room Louise

la la la la la my sister oh yeah oh you're coming through I forgot a chair down in the basement sorry Louise I got a bunch of cake all over my face I'm an 11 year old boy la la la la la la la la la oh I don't need any chairs because I'm just gonna be eating under your bed

So she can't bring herself to go through with this spell. Yeah, because she's got some morals. Not like that Madam Serena, that dirty old lady. I mean, she's got a whole skeletorous nest of frog people underneath her house. Listen, listen, there's a lot of places I don't want to go. Sure. I definitely don't want to go down to Madam Serena's basement. No.

It's a frog holocaust down there. Just wall to wall. Dead scorned frog lovers. These are all in my boyfriends who refused to behave. Oh, God, they're all nailed to the walls. Oh, where do you think the high school gets the dissecting frogs from? I make a little money on the side because I'm a weird proprietor. I've fucked every.

I fucked every frog you ever dissected. You ever been to a fancy French restaurant? I probably fucked that frog. Gross, child. It's so gross. Isn't it weird? I'm still not as gross as that brother character. See you later movie.

And it's totally true. I mean, so the next movement of this, Marsha Wallace wins the lottery for no reason. Because this is, I feel, is like, some of the deleted parts of this movie because sadly this drama teacher is like her second closest friend and she's like Louise it's so weird

I won the lottery and I didn't even buy a ticket oh here we go I'm marrying this Italian count and you know the best part about it Louise even though you're a 16 year old student at this high school now you're running the drama department bye what is that that deleted segment

like Louise was like I'm to use my witchcraft for good to do something good for Miss Teacher. Yeah, I think it's like oh, you know, she's so lonely or something like that. You know, I want to get her a woodrow kind of a thing. Right, right. Just do that spell for yourself. Oh,

it's Count Legondo. Yeah, for your mother. Like, your poor fucking mother hasn't won the lottery yet. Your poor mother's also married to Dick Sargent by the way, so, you know. I'm doing fine. I can afford all the chairs. I'm providing for this family. Hey, Louise, here's a

Dolly full of chairs. Oh, also, this is after what is the greatest humiliation of our, of our hero Louise, because she's back in class and it's after, it's after. Oh, shit. Yeah, right. This is what this guy loses his job. Your skin's crawling already. So, so they have the bad, like, study date. She doesn't, you know, put the spell on him and whatnot, but they're like kind of friendly now.

Yeah. So they're just talking in class. And he's, it's the. It's the worst possible situation for someone who has like a crush on someone else is you're listening to your crush, just complain about how terrible their, you know, boyfriend or girlfriend is because he's just like, oh, geez, Louise, you know, I don't know. I really love Brenda, but sometimes she is just a pain right in the neck. She wants to go to this dance and blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Like, you know, just eating up is every word because they're talking.

And then. Because they're talking. Well, because he's talking to her, you know. But she also, there's also mentioned like, oh. you know, you're too good for Brenda. You know, like, she's trying to plant those seeds. Yeah, you're totally right. Land the groundwork. And then, like, her

purse falls on the floor. And here comes Mr. Weaver. Oh, fuck. Creepy old Shelley Berman. And he's like, what is this? Well, he's like, oh, talking in my study hall. This is my studying. Not talking. Oh, and what do we have here? And dude, the purse falls on the floor. All the shit falls

out. And he's like, oh, what is this? I see here, Louise. But, blah, blah, ba, ba, birth control. Look, everyone, Louise thinks she needs birth control. Isn't it hilarious? She thinks she needs it? And then Louise is just like, it also sometimes helps with skin condition. Louise thinks she needs birth control.

He runs down to the principal's office. Attention everyone. Louise thinks she needs birth control. How is that not a fireable offense? Oh, my God. Of course it would be. It's the 80s, man, and that stuff was borderline illegal. That's right.

That was Bush 1, dude. Yeah, you'd go all the way up to the White House with that one. You bump it up. I don't know. Bumping it all the way up. I don't know, Barr. These girls. Think about it, Barr.

I heard that that girl that was supposedly on birth control, turned out she was also a teen witch bar. Don't know about that. Would love to outlaw that bar, but then you get all the religious freedom people on your case. I've tried to outlaw that. A-Z-T, because I think all those people are teen wolves. I don't know,

Barr. So she's like, you know what, you old fuck, how about this? I'm going to make a voodoo doll out of you. Yep, exactly. And usually I'd be like, oh, man, that's fucked up. Like, when she was almost about to rape that dude, she's going off the

deep end. But after a 65-year-old man humiliates you about your birth control, you're allowed to be birth control. You're allowed to make a fucking voodoo doll. but it's not how like a voodoo doll works though no you know what i mean oh please tell me how a voodoo doll works well i'm just trying to make one with like pins and shit you're like all right you know headache heart attack dude i thought it was going to be non-stop dick pain for this guy

i thought it was going to be needle in the crotch needle in the oh man he's like tom hanks in the green mile you can't get a good get get a break yeah but no so she like gets this little doll and dresses him up like mr we and then so he's in class pontificating about who knows what also side note like voodoo witchcraft same thing yeah i don't know you're crossing the streams of louise you're getting into a dangerous area and uh yeah so she starts like taking off this doll's clothes so then shelly burman's taken off his clothes while also still trying to do this lecture right because he still has like his own free will in his i guess but it's being overpowered by that desire to start

taking your clothes off. And he's like, oh, is it getting hot in here or what? And he's about to pull his shit out, right? Because he's actually doing a speech about Hamlet. He's like, his main, you know, his main, uh, confliction is about his manhood. He says, grabbing his dick. It's so weird. And he's about to drop trow when like the principal walks in or whatever and is like, um, let's talk in the hallway. But what's weird is instead of like, you're fired. A hundred percent. It's like, oh, well, he must be having a mental breakdown, you know? And then, like, there's a weird thing where, like, she goes home and the stupid brother gets the doll and throws it down the stairs.

Is he a disgusting ice cream cone? Like, everything in this kid's hands. It'll look like fine ice cream before. It looks disgusting. Oh, yeah. No, this kid could be holding, like, a jar of, like, $90 a can caviar. And I'd be like, look at that fucking disgusting slop that this child is eating. He could have, like, a beautiful.

gorgeous steak i'd be like that's that's filthy in the hands of this little monster so yeah um he kicks it so this guy falls down the stairs and the mother comes and she's like oh no louisa's doll she worked so hard on it this is my only line in the movie better wash it so she throws it in the washing machine and for some reason that spurs this guy to go to a fucking car wash what cartoon am i watching you're watching like a bit from weekend at bernies too You know what I mean? Like, it's so stupid. And so Shelly Berman has to, like, humiliate himself

walking through this car wash for this movie. He seemed pretty happy about it. Yeah. And, you know, I think he tips the guy at the end, too. He tries to, like, pay for the car wash or whatever. And the guy's like, oh, don't worry, man, this one's free or something. And he's like, okay, just have a tip then. La, la, la, I'm out of the movie.

The next thing she tried, there's no real, real antagonist in this movie. The only one that's close is Brenda. And her, like, little clicker friends. And at this scene, again, we're about to get ready for swim class. And Luis cast a spell where they all turn on each other. And it's one thing, like, Brenda's got like bleach blonde hair. Like, Brenda, your hair looks so stupid. And then the other one's like, yeah, and you're fat.

And the other one's like, well, yeah, your mother's an alcoholic. Your mom's a joke. And I'm like, whoa, whoa. We're cut the little deep here. The spell is that they can't lie to each other. Oh, okay. So it's like they're all just telling each other what they really think about them. But it's amazing because, yeah, it's like, you're too fat, you can't sing, your roots are showing.

But then it's like, your mom's an alcoholic, which it's like, what would that lie be? It's like, oh, don't worry, Brenda. Your mom is definitely not an alcoholic. She does not have a drinking problem at all. Oh, no, my mom's usually had three drinks by the time. I come home from school, right, everybody? Yeah, it's totally fine. Yeah, it's just another, like, yeah, we just, we're, how else can she cast a fun spell?

And at this point, she's like, okay, I want to be the most pot. popular girl in school. That's it. I'm ready to take the big time. And she goes to, again, Madame Serena, she's like, oh, you want to be popular? I got just the spell for your sweet cheeks. And this is something that I didn't quite understand because she was like, you know, these spells, it takes a lot of power, whatever. She opens this cupboard and there's like a bottle of, you know, some sort of, it looks like peptobismol or something. And she's like, this is the last of my power. And I was like, well, what? Wait, are you, like, turning yourself into just a regular person? Also, this girl you kind of hang out with can be the most popular girl in school. I got to get this out of my house, y'all. These frog people are freaking me out. I feel bad about myself all the time.

You know, I just wake up in the middle of the night, and I swear, child, I can hear them screaming, ghost frogs screaming. And, child, let me tell you, the warts you'll get. Oh, child, that's the bad part about being a witch. It don't come with no health insurance. I've had to start calling part of my nether regions my toad chode. Yep, that's right. Toad chode. So she, like, helps her cast the spell and whatnot, and it's like...

At what point does Satan get his due? That's what I kind of... In most, like, witch or magic movies, it's like, Oh, but if you go too far, something's going to happen, you know what I mean? Because that's the thing is, like, there's no bad guy in this movie. Like, you would think one of the things is it turns out Brenda or Glenda or whoever. Yeah. Turns out to be an evil witch.

Sure. And then, you know what? Then you get what's awesome, which is a witch fight. Right. Spells getting cast back and forth across the dance. Or she does like a spell like to get like a charming, you know, tall, dark and handsome guy to go to the dance with. Sure. And he turns out it's the prince of. darkness. Exactly. It's Alan Rickman

as the devil. Hello, Brenda. I'm so excited to be going to this dance with you. Isn't it fantastic? Oh, guess what? You're my bride now. Come with me down to hell. Oh, my God. There you go. There's your third act. And then it's like, oh, child,

don't go to the darkness. Oh, yeah, no. And then she's got to go into hell to save her. And they're tying all sorts of shirts around her so she can go through the thing. And maybe the monster, dirty kid can finally redeem himself in some way in helping this scheme? Oh no, he stays in hell. He's like, you guys

go, I'll distract him. But like, Timmy, you're going to be left at hell. I've been in hell already. Yeah. Come with me, Timmy. Finally, I'm free. Last shot is Alan Rickman holding this kid's hand walking like towards the lake of fire.

And the gate, like the gateway closes and then it's just like a California suburban street. Right. And then Johnny Depp's looking an old book man the ninth gate you want me to have a deep ass nap

put that movie on for some reason I kind of liked it really I actually that's one of the most disappointing movies ever is like I love it I love everything about it the premise of that movie is awesome and the first like hour and a half but then there's no ending it's just like oh that's it

well he has like this crazy erotic sex right yeah and then we see the golden dawn as foretold by Alistair Crowley and it's not bad well that's

I mean that was the question I thought about when you were talking about being Satan's bride right because like whatever

you're the bride of Satan you're not like Satan's slave or you know you're not sent to hell to be punished you're married to Satan

you're doing pretty okay you know Ava Braun had it all right Carmel Soprano did okay for a few years Carmella Soprano she did okay

both of them for a few years yeah i guess you know what that's the thing with satan it's fine for a few years i kind of want a uh if somebody's go to Photoshop it's Alan Rickman falling off of uh nocotobie Plaza but he's falling into hell like that's the end of this movie

oh absolutely yeah you got to go back in well the thing about the devil falling back to hell is he's just like oh great I'm going back home oh no you're one of them I don't know Oh wait Wait a second Here's the thing

Because we're going to zoom right past it And we can't Because you know what you can't do Steve You can't top that Oh Top The top that sequence The infamous top that sequence

I don't know if we can talk about This is like talking about the view from Everest You know what I mean I think it speaks for itself Maybe we should put a little sound clip in A lot of people will tell you that this is the worst song ever written. A lot of people are wrong. I'm king, and they know it.

When I snap my fingers and these bodies, they show it. I'm hot, and you're not. But if you want to hang with me, I'll give it one shot. Top that. Super Sonic, idiotic, disconnected, not respected, Who would ever really want to go and top that Such a waste of pretty face But hanging in your knowing face

I wish that you would take a look And really stop that, top that Oh yeah, just top that You can't top that, or top cat It's Louise and Polly is her friend She's like her nebish friend And it's like, oh, I don't know I'm nervous, blah blah blah

She's like, oh, I'm talking about the lead rap guy And she's like, oh, he's so cute and dreamy, and he's rapping, and Louise makes magic so that she can rap against him. And it's just like the worst lip-sinking you've ever seen. It's horrendously terrible. Because this guy, it's like a 20-year-old, like you said, white Italian dude, and he's got the voice of a 270-pound Dominican guy. Like, there's no, there's no way that's his voice. And there's just his two buddies, they're all standing next to this convertible, dancing, like it's a goddamn Levi's commercial, you know what I mean?

It's the same studio musician that sings a whole new world at the end of Aladdin. I can show you the world. Yeah, that's a not as great version of that. No, it's not. But it's so stupid. And then the song ends and she's just like in the worst delivered line of the 1980s. Like they did the song and she really, she really burned him good in that rap. battle and then she walks back over to Louise

who's holding their bikes and they're standing there and she goes like she puts her hands up in the air and then slams them down and she's like top that well that's the thing five seconds ago she was rip rapping all over the place apparently it's like yeah top there I mean I think it's a thing where

Louise was like all right I'll throw this idiot of bone I'm not going to use like my grade A magic so it's like a weak spell so like she had like a crush on this dude as well somehow this girl had a crush on this guy. Well, he's confidence. He speaks his

mind. Pretty good looking dude. He's hot and you're not. You know who these three dudes look like? He's king and you stink. You know who these three guys look like when you go into like a hair salon and there's that poster on the wall from the 80s where it's like, you know, you could get

this haircut or this haircut. This is obviously when her friend is like, oh, you don't spend enough time with me. You're so popular now. Yeah. There's a popular montage and the friend keeps like getting left behind which you know what it's magic anyway just be like and now my friend is the second most popular friend in school yeah but you know what louise is a bad friend oh yeah you know that's the thing and i think also she's just hanging out with polly because polly's the only thing with a heartbeat

that'll hang out with her in the first place yeah it's true but then it's weird because like you see eventually polly has found like other nerds yeah so i'm like where are these nerds why weren't they hanging out for the rest of the movie it would have been a whole crew a whole nerd crew. So she gets popular. She's the most popular girl in school. I mean, it gets really stupid. There's like posters that just say Louise everywhere. It's in Louise mania. Everyone's dressing exactly like she does. At this point, Brad is like, oh, you know, you're pretty cool. Hey, take a ride in my car real quick. Let's go to this abandoned house. This looks like the house from Last House on the left. It is. It's the exact same house. And she goes there and he's like 10 steps ahead of her and she's like Brad what are you doing and she finds his shoes at the bottom of the steps like that's weird she goes up she finds his shirt at the other part and what's amazing is like he keeps popping out and not saying anything like the way they cut this together is again it's like a music video yeah without a song behind yes because

she's like Brad and like he turns a corner like mm and then like cut back to Louise and she follows him. Yeah. And then it's like shirt, run up the stairs. Also, she's, the two of them are barefoot in this abandoned house. I hope you're up on your shots. You're stepping on all sorts of nails. That's all I was thinking about this whole time. I was like, I know they're going to get down to fucking, but all I can think about is tetanus. Well, tetanus spell maybe, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. They got a spell for everything nowadays. But the weird thing is in Teen Wolf, he doesn't fuck, right? It's just like, it's like kissing. Teen Wolf. Two, there's fucking... Tealph two this fucking. Is there sex and Teen Wolf 1? It's implied, right? I mean, you got a...

You got a wolf who's playing basketball. Pretty popular. Yeah. That's a long basketball season, too. A lot of road games. He's making some three-pointers in the bedroom as well.

But that's the thing. So they start making out of the bed and, like, she's feeling inside of his cut-off sleeve shirt. That's implied sex, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, but then it gets so much better because, I mean, the saxophone is at 700%. The saxophone.

Oh, shit. This is my favorite scene of the 1980s. The saxophone's out of control. What is the governor from Arkansas doing here? Barr, I don't like that guy. That guy liked the teen witch a little too much. Barr, never trust a grown man that plays a saxophone. So, like, so they are making out.

And then it cuts. It's this extreme. close-up of the two of them making out, and this guy who's on top is just putting his tongue in this girl's mouth. It's hard to make it out. It's a little uncomfortable. It's juicy. It's about as juicy as it got in the 1980s. And then they cut to the outside of the house for a good long while, and you know what that means. Yep. I think at one point, like, they left the shot in, but there was like, in the original cut, there was just like a, of like the floorboards in this old house creaking due to sexual intercourse.

Bullshit is the next scene that she's telling Madame Serena is like, oh, you guys kissed? And I'm like, no, they did more than kiss, Madam Serena. Yeah, but you know what? There's some things even Madam Serena doesn't need to know about, okay? Also, and now, maybe I missed a detail. Wait, was he a frog before or did you turn him into a frog afterwards? Sometimes I'll find a perfectly good-looking man that wants to have sex with me.

But afterwards, I just turn them into a frog. You know, another great thing is afterwards, if they start threatening to talk, child, I just turn them into a frog because you know what? Very few people can speak frog. Now, this is a detail. The frog speaking? No, I've seen this twice now. It's the same point of confusion each time.

But when she goes back to Madame Serena's after the most definite sexual intercourse. Yep, 100%. Madame Serena's like the inside of her house is completely different there's all sorts of pastels it looks like she's living in a Florida condo she's in Del Boca Vista right

well she's been making money not in your witchcraft but that but that's what I'm saying though this whole I mean she's been Madame Serena for a long time she's been a witch for a long time she's been able to make this money

for a long time it's not until the popularity spell Does she do over her apartment To make it look like a Miami Cokehead's place? Oh, you know, I've been selling all sorts of Louise mania t-shirts. I'm your styles, girlfriend. That's what I'm saying. Like, there's got to be something where she's making money off of Louise's popularity.

Or they lost the location. They're shooting this later in the schedule. And they said, fuck it. No, dude, I think that's exactly what it. It's a completely different set. It's so weird. And this is also, it's my favorite. moment with this woman.

It's so weird and stupid. But I feel like, and this is, I don't know if you guys think this way, but I have a sneaking suspicion that at least for part of the shoot, maybe not for the rest of her life. Did this woman go blind for a fashion? Why? Because there is

in this scene where she's like, tell me all about the kissing and whatever. Like, she has some big monologue to Louise about why it's good to be popular and whatever. And she is just staring. Like, she's not even looking at Louise giving this. I mean, she's not blind. She's clearly reading cue cards is what's happening.

Like, you can see her. She's just looking at these cue cards. It's like fucking Bill Hader on SNL. It's so obvious. It's unbelievable. It's an outrage. It's kind of the end of the movie, right? Like, because this is like the last.

That's it? There's this weird, very stupid business. Zelda Rubenstein Yeah Zelda Rubenstein was a little person Obviously And really? Yeah I thought she was maybe like a Danny DeVito

No I think she's like Her IMDB thing So she was like 43 Yeah she mentioned in her bio That she was the only one in her family That was a little person And she like fought for a little person rights And all that stuff

Yeah She was also A Trailblazer This is speaking of trailblazing This is awesome Little known Zelda Rubinstein fact She was one of the first actors to be like a fucking AIDS advocate.

Like raising AIDS awareness, which is awesome. Oh, great bar. That little woman from the poltergeist movies is talking shit about my policies. Oh, son of a bitch bar. That old lady we hired to get the ghost out of the West Wing is back. This time talking about that gay disease bar. Get back here, Abraham's.

Walk into the light, Abraham. Oh, no, you keep this. up, I'm going to have Kennedy keeping you up all night. Mr. President, I don't want to raid on your parade. Here, uh, did you just say panty raid? Andrew Jackson's here and he's mighty steamed at you. Oh, Andrew Jackson had no problem with fucking W's policies. HW. HW. Extra Ws.

So, but what I say she's a little person is she's sitting in a chair, and this is the weirdest part of the movie that It's so weird. It's a bad visual gag. She's like, come here, child. Have a seat on my lap. And, like, she sits on her lap, and she's, like, so much bigger. And they both, like, share a laugh. And then she's like, I'll sit on your lap.

That's fine. I'm only 71 years old. This isn't infantilizing at all. But what's weird is I think it's, like, they just had, like, a fun moment on the set. And it made the movie because, like, she sits. Zelda's lap and they're like and then they get up and switch it around and I was like wait why would you switch it around

it's fine but they just they share this laugh that's like we're not supposed to be doing it this way oh my god and she's like the most important magic is being yourself and that's kind of it like literally she said a being yourself the most important spell

is the spell you put on yourself and the self-esteem the self-esteem whenever I look in the mirror I got to put another spell on get through the fucking day you're doing great Eric spell

era did someone say fucking day so then the dance happens and the whole thing is I got to see if Brad likes me for me you know what I mean if I you know not just because

she hangs out with Leonardo right but yeah yeah everybody remembers the lyrics of that song. Yes, and that song's famous for its lyrics of not knowing who Steve Busebi is. Oh, right. I got, wait, wait, what is? I know this song way too well. It's something like, and that guy from Fargo, I think his name is Steve.

What song? I have no idea what song with this. Hey, it's called, she likes me from, wait, she likes me for me. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say there's a parentheses in there. Hey, Leonardo. Yes. And it's from later in the 90s.

than you'd think, but it is the most juiciest 90s I thought I knew all the 90s hits. Go home and find this song. I wouldn't even go home as soon as we're off the air, we're putting that song on. Definitely. Finish it up here.

But yeah, so she Will Brad like me if I take the necklace off and I'm powerless? But there's no dialogue anymore. The third act of this movie has no dialogue and is three and a half minutes? There's like, yeah, the hilarious DJ

that they have at this dance has some line, man, I wish I wrote it down. It doesn't make any sense, but he's just like, all right, kids, let's get ready to get down on the Uptown. And you're just, what the fuck did you say? But then the song starts and it doesn't matter. Yeah. And she walks into the dance floor and everybody's like, oh, my God, it's fucking Louise. Louise T-shirt to you. Did someone say fucking Louise?

Yes, please, I will get in line. I'm an unwanted poltergeist. You can't get rid of me. Oh, God. JFK's become a, is it an incubus or a succubus child? I could never keep track. It'd be an incubus, girl. I just deal with so many different demons.

I am going to throw that old witch down the stairs. She'll never get rid of me from beyond the grave. Oh, no, I'm trapped in this clown body. it's a living so she takes this necklace trapped in the body of a cloud i could still beg maryland monroe oh what's left of her holds up a skeleton so she rips this necklace off this amulet on the middle of the dance floor and kicks it like across the room and it lands at zeldah's feet and she picks it up and looks at it and goes, which is kind of, I think that was the whole scam, right?

Because the ambulance had all the power, and she's like, oh, this is all I need to rule the world. Yeah. And so then, like, Brad comes up and you're like, all right, so this is it. Either they're going to kiss or he's going to be like, could you get out of my way, you know, or something like that. And of course, they just start making out hardcore. Hard making out the same way.

Hard, hard, hard making out. Flashbacks to that last house on the left building. the saxophone kicks in man and that's the end of the movie there's nothing else there's no third act of this movie it's great absolutely nothing there should have been a thing where it was like that summer or like the end of summer or something like that and it's like oh hey uh you know hey louise how about this your cousin sarah's coming she's getting ready to start her you know whatever senior year of high school i'm turning 16 in a few weeks wink Yeah, Teen Witch, too. And I'll be here again as well. The Prince of Darkness. How's Alan Rickman never played the devil? That's fucking stupid.

That is stupid. You let Al Pacino play the devil, but not Alan Rickman? God, that is crazy. It doesn't make any sense. Now, here's the big question. And I think I know the answer all around. Call it my witch's intuition. We get in a three-way recommend for this?

Ira, did someone say three-way? Yeah. I think we are, right? Oh, yeah. A 100%. We're getting in bed with each other on this one. The movie couldn't top that. Nothing could top that, yeah.

What happened to that friend? She's dead somewhere? I think she stopped that, yeah. She's dead. I feel like she's been in stuff. Oh, no, no, I meant the character. The rappers are at the dance and she starts dancing with one of the rappers. Yeah, I mean, because she has this thing about, oh, nobody likes me.

And then it's like, I'll dance with this guy at the end of the movie. Who gives a shit? There's no, like, sorry I've been terrible. No, yeah, she doesn't learn a lesson or like, oh, it's not that teen wolf like, I got to, you know. You got to apologize to fats and and styles. Oh, Chubs. Excuse me. Thinking of Minnesota Fats.

Played by Jackie Gleason. No, yeah. There's an apology scene in Teen Wolf. Yeah. Also, like, I know Teen Wolf's thing is like a little abrupt, but at least they won the basketball game. Well, that's the funny thing is we talk shit about in Teen Wolf, too, like, oh, my. God, the sports plot just fucking drags the whole movie down. And it does,

but at least it gives the movie structure. This movie is formless. And that's the thing. With Teen Wolf 2, you could have gone something else with sports because it's college, so it could have been fraternity wars, something like that. That fucking play that she's supposed to be in

goes nowhere. There's a scene where she says, break a leg, and the star of the show falls over a ladder and breaks her leg. And that's when Polly's like, geez Louise, what did you put? sure and I'm like all right so we're going to see louise like in this play right there's one moment where dick sergeant's just like hey honey so I heard that you got the lead role in the school play by default that's okay but there's no like you need the scene of that play or or make

prom a big deal prom's always a good exactly or the big dance this is just like the harvest dance like nobody gives a shit nobody yeah it's just like in the middle she's like yeah I don't want to go with you Brad invites her's like oh you don't want to go for me and he's all right talk to you later and that's the end of it yes she's like Brad there are some things you don't know about me technically my best friend is a 70 year old woman who may or may not be having sex with frogs oh no she is that's Teen Witch from 1989 directed by Dorian Walker

if you want to get a hold of us check out our website wHM podcast dot com check out all the other great shows on our network visit sideshownetwork.tv like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast, and I'll say this because it's a couple weeks after it happened, but this is the first recording after it happened. But thank you so much for all the nice happy 200 tweets. That's been a lot of fun dealing with all that, all the praise.

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It'd really help me. it really helped we need this guys we need a win I need a win from you guys here WHM podcast dot spreadshirt.com check out our merch store there's probably Secondus t-shirts probably gonna get some new t-shirt designs

pretty soon there's some stuff in the works yeah we'll get too well we'll figure it out we've been a little too sandwichly possible we understand but we'll get there so clue for next week's episode Kevin Polly

oh man also known as by his own admission, the littlest suspect. What? That was his stand-up routine. What? He did a shitty, like, fucking showtime standard routine, and it was, it was, he called himself the littlest suspect. I can't wait for Benicio del Toro's the tallest suspect.

So until next week, when I'm done throwing up, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadegh. Take it easy.