We Hate Movies - S5 Ep203: House Arrest

Episode Date: May 12, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang gets angry as they tear apart the 1996 give-hope-to-children-of-divorce comedy, House Arrest! Just how is that all these parents are dumb enough to fall for this? How has no one pointed out that our protagonist is a total psycho? And the Küb is most definitely getting the chair for this! PLUS: People were definitely having sex in that basement. House Arrest stars Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Pollak, Kyle Howard, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Wallace Shawn, Christopher McDonald, Ray Walston and Mooky Arizona; directed by Harry Winer. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. This week, I said earlier that this movie was like if Rod Serling and Michael Hanake met like at a crossroad somewhere and sat down and watched Nickelodeon. Yeah, that's not, you're not wrong. They got drafted to like pen something for Nickelodeon. Yeah, exactly. And this is what came out. It's house arrest from 1996 directed by Harry Weiner. And it's a movie where kids, kidnap their own parents and locked them in a basement sadistically. And, you know, it's your classic, oh, it's the 90s.

We don't know what divorce is. Man, this movie just wants you to think divorce is like a thinly pressed piece of like pencil marking on a sheet of a loose leaf that you can just gently erase. Sure. That's all divorces. And the soundtrack's doing a lot of work for you. Oh, the soundtrack of this movie. just trying to harness down how creepy and weird everything is.

It's all like sub-bear-naked ladies. Dude, I was saying it's the shave Tathews band. Because, like, there's a guy on some song where it's like, holler, da, blah, what the fuck do you think that is? Oh, see, I called him the Matthew Dave's band. It's such obvious, like, musicians ripping off, like, popular sounds that a movie can't afford. Well, we do all know and did catch that the one in the middle is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Oh, did she make the cut?

Stop. She was singing back in 96. She's always singing. Yeah, when they're having the chocolate diarrhea bomb fight. Yeah, that's them. Look forward to that. She was a kid incorporated. Oh, that's right. She has always been singing, huh?

Much like Subalba. She's got pipes, you know? So this is also a movie where, And this is just my own personal philosophy about it. But if you guys agree, please speak up. This is a situation that could go Waco at any second. Absolutely. At the end, they get a round of applause.

I'm like, who are you applauding these Jonestown kids for? Dude, it's unbelievable the round of applause that they get for what they did. Like, it's terrifying. And I don't think we're realistically addressing things such as like showering. Nope. They very breezily address how someone's taking a shit. how Wallace Sean is specifically taking a shit. Yeah, it's messed up.

But you guys said that you had not seen this movie. Until last night, I had never, I've always known when it was. It was a video store, like, there it is. This isn't in theaters for me. I saw this thing in theater. Really? Wow.

I saw this in theaters during a vacation time. You know, I went to, when I was kid, I went to Cape Cod for my summer vacation. Oh, the cabinet estate. Yeah, it's beautiful. Up in the, uh, no. Steve, it's a compound. Because we like using alliteration here.

It's the cabin cover. And there's like 20 guns. And 20 guns. But anyway, like, you know, back then, you know, Fat Kid Summer. What am I going to do? That is a YA book that we could pen, by the way. Fat Kid Summer. It's Fat Kid Summer.

It's just you at the movies. Fat Kid Summer, Colin, praying for rain. Well, that's the thing is that. my parents would pay for the movies that were on rainy days. They're like, hey, it's a rainy day. We can't go to the beach today. Right. We'll go to the movies.

I paid my vacation dollars a salary I was given just for the vacation time to go see this on a bright, sunny day. Oh, for sure. Oh, was this like, we want the kid out of here? No, this is my decision. I wanted to see it. I'd seen the trailer and I very much wanted to see it. Your dad was just like, this will be a lesson in him wasting me. money on things it was you know you could go to the boardwalk meet meet a lady steal a kiss as they say

in those movies or you can go see house arrest you can watch kevin pollock you know be flustered oh man kevin pollock starring in a movie whatever that happened a lot more than you thought i know but like this is he's prominently featured in this movie i don't mind kevin pollock is a number four you know what i mean like oh yeah he's a number four unusual suspect where he's the littlest suspect. Sure. It's totally fine. He's a number four in grumpy old men.

I like that. Oh, wow. You see, and that's a good number four because it's a forgettable number four. Totally forgot that he's in that movie. Exactly. He's a bad number four in the whole nine yards, but that's not his fault.

Those two movies are two of the most unwatchable comedies of the last 20 years. Truly. Those movies are fucking poison. And him in that age makeup, you just want to commit suicide. in your living room. All that Eastern European, what's it? he's putting his voice through. Yeah, I, no, that's him

taking that character for a walk. They were like, Balki Bar-Tacomo's cheesecloth. He's holding up to his mouth. So it's Kevin Pollock. It's one of my favorites, Jamie Lee Curtis. And, you know, she had to eat the 90s just like everybody else. Yeah, this takes place in an alternate universe in which Kevin Pollock could date and or marry Jamie Lee Curtis. Yeah. Okay. I had a hard time believing a fucking 1986

Dan Akroyd could pull Jamie Lee Curtis. No, you know what? That's more unbelievable. I would more easily accept Kevin Pollock than Dan Aykroyd. Bullshit. He's just a little bulldog. Nobody wants that.

Maybe that does it for this character. Sure. Maybe the character likes little bulldogs. Yeah, you can order around and yeah. Little bulldogs that do. just endless Christopher Warkin impressions he'll tell anybody that he invented it

he will he will like he always loves to do that he likes to pretend that he in his imitation workshop created the idea of doing Captain Kirk and George W. Bush and all this shit do you think that he's gotten in like

fist fights with Jay Moore about that Christopher walking impression it's awkward who wore it better and they just fight to the death over it Dude, that's a $100 pay-per-view worth paying for. Well, I just think it's a screaming match outside of a bar that nobody understands.

I think it's Jay Moore and him just yelling at each other. Well, it's pulling other people in and being like, oh, come over here for a second. All right, all right. Who's this? And then one of them does it. And then it's like, all right, shh. Now, who's this? And the other one says the exact same thing.

I almost feel like it gets more petty than that where, like, the guys... Oh, I'm sure it does. Where the guys got, like, they both had their phones out and they're like, okay, wait a minute. Okay, I have Christopher Walker. his phone number right here. We're going to both do it and we're going to say, hey, which one's you, Chris? I'm going to call Lauren Michaels. Lorne Michaels knows impressions. Oh, my God. Please.

Sir, here's the check. Will you just leave? It's someone standing there on an L.A. sidewalk being like, I thought I was getting stopped for jaywalking. Where's Leno? What is happening? Oh, another favorite part of mine from the beginning of this movie, so you see, like,

it's like some old home movies that the kid is having edited together for, like, the parents' anniversary. This is Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Pollack's kid. By this kid who looks exactly like the singer from Silverchair. Yeah, that kid's name is Mookie Arizona, which is hilarious. Excuse me? Yeah, he was in two movies ever, this and Camp Nowhere. Oh, really? Yeah, that's it. But you're seeing all these, like, it's the wedding, and it's the honeymoon, and it's the having the kid, and da-da-da.

So they do the wedding footage, and it's like them coming out of the church and kissing, and Kevin Pollock gets her in the car or whatever. And then cut to them in Hawaii, like on the honeymoon. And somehow, between the wedding and the honeymoon, Kevin Pollock loses a whole lot of hair. Yes. It's such an amazing club. He's got a big, like, R.D. Z. Fro kind of in the wedding video. And then you get to them in Maui, and it's just like that forehead's just that much bigger.

Well, the wedding video also sets up the specter of a Kevin Pollock ukulele song. that eventually I'm going to have to listen to and I'm just going to want to, you know, throw up. To be fair to the character though, Kevin Pollock's character turns down the offer to play the ukulele when asked. And then he's forced into it. Well, yeah, the scene that ukulele in the beginning

is kind of like seeing that old lady at the beginning of insidious. You're like, oh my God, I hope she doesn't come back. That's just too scary to deal with. And then you just get her for like a whole scene and it's bone chilling. Absolutely. Yeah, this ukulele solo solo.

bone-chilling, too. So the kid is Grover. His name is Kyle Howard, I think, in real life. Yeah, that sounds about right. Sure. Of my boys' fame. Kyle Howard of my boys. How about that?

Take that word out of there. No one was watching that show. Come on. This is one of those things. The beginning of this movie, it happens a lot in, like, kid movies, is like, how much time people have before they go to school? This is a bunch of bullshit

In the morning We see him and his friend They're editing a video They've clearly been together for a while Yeah, they're settled in him and the little sister Go over to this other kid's house They're there They're there, they wouldn't even see the trip there

Because it happened so long ago I think it happened before the sun came up Like before dawn they were up doing this shit Well they don't show you the day quill bottles They've been up since midnight Doing this shit Working on this video But yeah, and then they come back to the house.

There's plenty of time for everybody to sit down for breakfast. And I'm like, isn't anyone racing to catch a school bus? Also, they're not worried. Where have you been? They're ready to give them breakfast. Kevin Pollock and Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh, yeah. They're just like, oh, so where were you?

Yeah. It's like, if I'm a parent and I wake up and my children aren't in their beds, I'm not just going to start making breakfast assuming they're going to waltz in. At exactly the moment I'm done with the eggs. Oh, man. So, yeah, it's this whole thing like, oh, we got you this gift. Here you go. It's a video of all your treasured memories from your super happy life you still have.

And they both give this face like, ew. Yeah, it's like, ah, shit. Well, we're just, let's just cats out of the bag right here. You don't divorce. You don't tell your kids you get divorced in the AM. It's a PM move. Oh, yeah. After school activity.

is telling your kid you're not going to be like oh guess what your life's changing for the worst see you later enjoy math class also it's not something that's just spurred you make a plan like it's going to be Wednesday at 9 p.m. right after you foot you know mantis is over then we're going to talk about how me and you are splitting up

it is a great idea to deliver bad news post mantis episodes So I think you had about nine opportunities to do that. You know what? That's it, gentlemen. That's my move. We're going to catch this superhero boom if it kills us. We are pitching a Mantis franchise.

Oh, yeah, Mantis reboot? We could do it. Absolutely. Oh, and you get him hooked up with Ant Man? It writes itself. It's done. It's all done. Just get the tick involved.

It'll be a little bug collective. It's perfect. Mantis. Is that even on DVD? Oh, no way. No way. No, that's like, you're finding that in the bowels of YouTube. Trust me, Steve.

I got my alert on my Amazon waiting for it, so. Did you mean Mavis? No, I meant Mantis. Come on. Which Mentish is coming out? This kid who plays Grover, this, what's his name, Kyle Howard? Kyle Howard. Did you guys notice this?

So it starts out, it's bookended with like. Ferris Bueller-esque. Yeah, he's. talking to the camera and it's clear like if you do any amount of thinking you can tell that like this kid is in Hawaii and so all right so the end of the movie they get back

together and we're doing a second honeymoon in Hawaii exactly so it's this kid and he's narrating and he's just like so I guess you could say this is all my fault but let's start back where it started like that kind of horse shit right but so he's talking and he's like gesticulating with his hands and I'm looking

at the fucking TV this kid has massive hands It's like a little, like, 14-year-old kid with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's hands. It's insane. He can strangle Secretariat. I mean, that's... It's comically large hands for a child. It's so weird.

It's weird. He's got a fucking Matthew Lawrence haircut. Oh, yeah. This macin' me thing that I want to buzz right off of the face of this earth. Dude, it is a bowl to beat the band. It's unbelievably 1990s with this haircut. And it's just flipping and flopping in every scene. But it's like purport.

perfectly even. That was the weirdest thing to me. Is that it like moves as if it's one. Yeah, no, it's a sentient being. Yeah, it's strange. Well, he does look as, he is about as disturbed as Danny Torrance, so I guess you want to keep that keep it nice and nice and even.

So they said that we're getting divorced, enjoy the rest of your school day. Go off to be bullied in high school. Well, they say separated. Right. Well, that's, that's the gag. It's like, we're getting separated. Yeah. But, you know, we're not getting divorced. That's not being discussed

right now. It's totally being discussed. Oh, yeah. That was on the table from Jump Street. And he's getting sexually abused by a bully, which is really weird. Because here's the thing. I've been, you've been picked on, and it's like, hey,

Fatsso, or somebody's throwing something at you. It tries to trip you in school. And that's kind of the end of it. Right. No one's grabbing your face and saying, say you're an ugly little wussy, which is what this guy says. He's like, say it, say it. The guy

has to say it, and I'm like, dude, that's not all right. This is one of those where are the lunchroom attendant moments because not only is this happening, but while it's happening, he's being like shoved deeper and deeper

into a wet garbage can and there's food all over him. Well, that's after he admits to being an ugly, you know, oily whatever. A little wussy. Wussie. At the end of this exchange 20 years later, one of these two is paying somebody else to do the other part.

That's how that works. Someone is paying someone to recreate it 20 years later. But the exclamation point on it is him getting kicked into garbage. And then some guy stealing his green beans.

Which cafeteria green beans, by the no bad move so his his friends like oh you're can you know it's the 90s everybody's you know one and two marriages et cetera et cetera his buddy's parents are played by wallace sean and caroline Aaron yes and she you know she's the stepmom yes situation and he's like you know he's seen it all before and he's like ah you know welcome to the club it sucks I hate that attitude that this character takes I hate like precocious like preteen experts on shit yep you know He's like, oh, my dad, oh, he's right at the 10-year or the two-year anniversary mark. It's Divorce Town.

Especially when you have nothing fucking good to say to this kid. All you're telling him is like, no, dude, your dad is definitely gone. Yeah, this kid dispensing this advice, which, again, just so no one forgets this, his name is Mookie, Arizona. Yeah, just dispensing all this advice. And this, he's not a great child actor. I mean, there aren't good child actors. I think it's like, once every millennia, you're like, hey, that worked. That wasn't bad.

But, like, nobody in this movie. No, not a soul in this movie. The kid from the Babadook was really great. Yes, that's a very good... Listen, McCulley Culkin in those movies is a good kid actor. You know what I mean? It just didn't make it to house arrest. Because, think about it, I mean, who is the best kid actor you got in here?

Is it Jennifer Love Hewitt? It has to be. It might very well be. Yeah, I don't. see any other way around that. And she's barely in this movie, unfortunately. Yeah, from looking at that poster, I was like, all right, it's a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.

That's cool. No, it's a, this Kyle Howard movie, this serial killer's movie. So he's like, yeah, you know, don't worry, two Christmases, it's going to be great. Like, the kid's like, he's really upset about it, and he's like, you know, what you could do, and he's like joking at him. He's like,

you should keep, lock your parents in the closet until they come to their senses. And he's like, say. that sounds sexy but he also makes this whole so when he's doing this whole thing he's like well go upstairs if you're dead you know and by the way this kid's been through

one divorce yeah yeah totally what the fuck does he what he's even talking about he's like go upstairs bags are packed you're done bro you're done it's over and that means he's moving out forever and then he goes the kid goes home and like we're talking about the soundtrack

it sounds like the Madonna song from with honors is playing when he's looking out of all the emptied closets and everything. Oh, but don't worry, it's Shadonna. Yeah, it's... Radana. Radana and the

radonets. But yeah, Kevin Pollock's packed up all his tiny little pants. So, you know, they're definitely headed for divorce town. He's got like a Ken briefcase with somebody. Like, Dad,

I didn't know you were a ventriloquist. Those are mine! Now, wind up my race car. I'm going away. Craig, Craig, Craig. Get my silver shoe ready. I have to go out for cigarettes. The funny thing is the Apple cartwork in this movie is great because they keep like putting him eye level with J.B. Lee Curtis and everyone's like, yeah, okay. They're putting him almost at eye level with Christopher McDonald. Dude.

Possible college football player Christopher McDonald. he and like wallace shawd wallace shaw's like who you're trying to impress pollock you know kevin paulick is looking down on wallace shot in this movie come down here with the rest of us pollick dude i got to say i think wallace sean is my favorite part of this movie of course he is because he's like the character's whole point of existence is to just make the worst jokes you've ever heard and he's also the character who doesn't take anything that's going on seriously yeah he's having a great time I'm being locked in a basement. He's like, whatever. I'll get out of here eventually. There's no way to leave us in here for dead. Right? Right?

So they, so he gets his idea and he's like, all right, you know, he has his sister who he totally neglects the whole movie and the movie neglects as well. But she finds her own, you know, ways of independence in this movie. She doesn't need him. It's true. She joins up with the other kids who are fucking around and not taking this whole thing seriously. She's, like, partying hard in this move.

Yeah, when it turns into Lord of the Flies, she's on the other side of the island. She gets the conch. And so they make up the basement to look like Hawaii, and they're like, oh, you know, it'll be, when mom and dad come home, we'll have them have a nice dinner downstairs. So they come home, and they're like, oh, we're getting divorced. Like, no, no, no, no, no. Just come down. We made this whole thing for you. You're going to love it.

So they have this awkward dinner where they're like, oh, man, I'm. I wish I just... Is there a word for, like, extra awkward? I mean, this is one of the most uncomfortable thing. Like, it's not just a dinner. It's like, we've decorated the basement to look like your honeymoon. To remember all those good times in your life. It's the take two you didn't want.

Like, you thought this was over. You were like, look, we told them. That's it. You know, we're going to have tomorrow morning, we'll get him out of school, and we're going to take the day and talk to him about it. But then you come home and they're like, no, we didn't get it. Say it again. Well, telling your kids you're getting divorced has to function like an alley-oop.

You know what I mean? The defense doesn't know it's coming. And by the time it's over, you're like, holy fuck, we just got scored on. Exactly. It's a fluid motion, and by the end of it, dad's out the door. Like, you don't let the team come back into the arena after they've won in the game's over with and dunk a few more baskets. Exactly. it's just it's got to be boom boom boom let's sit down we got something to talk wait

why are dad's bags at the door we'll explain that in three seconds we're getting divorced see you later dad boom god and also because we're doing it at an appropriate time of day whoops it's 930 go cry yourself to sleep exactly nice and normal and here's your mantis tape we taped you know i thought it was on the bubble to get canceled but i'm glad it came back No, not Mantis. I was okay with mom and dad breaking up, but now Mantis isn't coming back. I hope that the flash comes back.

Mark Hamel's a great trickster. Oh, no. Maybe in 20 years? No. Didn't he come back and play the trickster on that new show? I haven't watched it at all. Yes, he does. Yeah, yeah. That was the root of my joke, yeah.

And I actually, I saw William Shatner tweeting about this. That Gorilla Grod's on that show now. Is it played by William Shatner shut up? No. No, I don't think so. It's the chat. There's about to be a Steve-shaped cloud on your fucking couch.

No, the Shat just watches a lot of TV and just live tweets it like a confused old man. That's fair. That's all it is. So I just saw William Shatner last night. Guerrilla Grod is here. Great. Thanks. All right. Can we also bring up in this scene is, A, I think the most unsettling line of the movie, which is saying something, and be my favorite line.

Which is. Which is, so they're all talking. They're like, you know, look, we're getting divorced. You know, we're getting separated. It's happening, you know, whatever questions you have. And then these kids are not having it. They refuse to back down. There's some, like, no, you just have to try this.

No, you have to try. No, we're fucking adults. We don't have to try anything. And at one point, this Grover kid. is like, no, you, you know, you still love each other. I remember when you guys couldn't keep your hands off each other, I nearly vomited. There's a lot of that in this movie where it's like,

remember that time I was watching you guys making out? And it's like, wait, what? Don't talk to your parents like that. Don't be invested in your parents' sex life, dude. Like, that just, no. Don't edit in footage from a honeymoon video. Because, yes, that's just like, Jamie Lee Curtis dancing in a lay is like,

You know, just one part of your, like, larger montage that you've put together. But that has to come from a source tape, and who knows what else is on that source tape? That would be great if it was him and the sister giving them the tape. And then the sister goes out of the room. He's like, and here's the X-rated version. I cut together. Here's your greatest hit's pop. Yeah, I didn't want Molly to see the dirty cut, but I left in all that fun stuff.

Like, there's a reason that tape is on the top shelf of their closet, kid. Next to the gun. Thank God there's not a gun in this movie. What a disaster that would have been. Oh, yeah. Then things are going, Waco. So he's like, okay, mom and dad, you stay down here. I got to go upstairs.

We have a surprise for you. So him and the girl go upstairs. And they start boarding the door shut. And it's like, well, that's weird. This is some funny game shit right now. And I'm starting to feel the fucking goose pimples on my arm. And just because you're playing, it's not less creepy.

That's the thing, is they use shit, like, shave Tathews band to try to, like, dull the fact that this is insane. What's the movie that's coming out, Cabin? You saw it already with, like, the two little boys and their mother gets plastic surgery. It's like a good night mommy situation. Like, we are seemingly nice little children, but then we're going to tear your face off. You're just going to be left down there to eat each other. So it's like this thing of, like, you know, you guys are going to fucking figure it out. Don't worry, we've cemented, closed the windows?

Yeah. When and how? Because, well, how is you just pour a bunch of cement down there? Sure. Well, the line that they have is there was all this leftover cement from all these unfinished home improvement projects that Kevin Pollock hasn't gotten to in 14 years. But I don't believe this Grover Kid knows how to do this kind of shit. Well, that's the thing. They conveniently, as if you didn't know what this movie is about when you went to see it on your Cape Cod vacation.

right like they like the movie plays so that the locking in the basement is a surprise to both the parents and the audience and I'm like no I know what this movie's about why don't you show me like a planning situation that's a montage

I could use of pouring cement and boarding up this and that and like a little cute kid blueprints if you got to do that shit go down the street you talk to the stoner college kids they do the cement for you because they know how to do it Yeah, exactly.

Not a 14-year-old and his fucking 7-year-old sister. He was like tuck in his pants into jeans, this whole movie. He's like a little Jerry Seinfeld. It's just too much. It's just way too much. He's dressed like an out-of-work stepdad

this whole movie. It's just like these colorful polo shirts tucked into jeans. He's totally not dressed like a child at all. No, not at all. And every other kid in this movie is dressed like a little 1990s kid. Really?

Like, I got like a 90-year-old waiting for the waiting pool to clear up. That's the kind of outfit I got for him. Oh, these pants are up to his nipples man. So they somehow like I don't know, I feel like if I'm Kevin Pollock

I'm finding a way to break this door down. I don't give a flying shit about shit. I will break my shoulder and then that kid's going to know what's what because I broke my shoulder. Yeah, like just because they used more wood to cover up the already wood door, like just

figure it out. Figure out a way to bust through that door. Yep. That's all you have to do. And then that's it. Then you're master of the house again and whatever happens,

happens. And this madness is prevented from carrying on any longer. The next morning, he starts to do that. He's got like a trowel, I think. He's like carving through the door.

He makes a hole or something. Someone's using like a piece of a broken mirror. One of them's got like something you would serve like pie with, like that kind of thing. Oh, that's yeah, yeah. That thing.

and then, yeah, she's got a chair piece. Oh, right, a piece of a chair, that's right, yeah. So they got a hole in the thing, and they put more wood on it. And this kid, rule number one about fucking kidnapping your parents, don't go to school that day. Yeah, totally. You want to make sure that everything stays the way you intended to be. Yeah, exactly.

Don't leave the house for eight hours. No. I mean, I guess, see, it's kind of like lose-lose, because, you know, you want to go to school to keep up appearances. sure you don't want the school calling like where's the kid you know you know who made that crucial mistake gary seneson ransom he kept going to work being a police officer and look how that ended he died he was foiled he was foiled that's true but i mean if two kids from the same family aren't shown up for school like day after day after day yeah yeah that's fair someone's gonna come

snooping around and it's not just nosy ray wallston what a fantastically obnoxious character character this is. God, Mr. Hand. And he's got this relationship with this dog. And it's just like an old man, like, oh, Betsy, stop doing that. Like, well, it's, it's the classic gag of, you know, a dog is biting

someone's pant cuff. Yeah. You know, that's real funny. He's the next, he's the cross-the-street neighbor who used to be the chief of police, and he's a nosy neighbor. So, like, he's set up as an antagonist from the beginning. He gets a nice and credit, and Ray Walston as the chief. Yeah.

And it's not like he's, and Jack Nicholson as the Joker. But whereas, like, I feel playing The Joker in, like, a movie that they were taking a total risk on making is like, yeah, Jack Nicholson's helping you out. So it's and Jack Nicholson as the Joker. Sure. This is just like, oh, yeah, the guy from picket fences, sure, he can be in this movie for three scenes. Yeah, I hate characters like this, too. If this was an actual Michael Hanukkah film, like, he's. is getting accidentally shot in the face.

Absolutely. And I, you know... And then eaten by the dog. Yep, exactly right. And that's what I'm waiting for, even though I know that it's not going to happen in this movie. Like, you can make the like more interesting version of this movie in your head while you play it. Because it's like a real time choose your own adventure. And it's like, you see what they do. And you're just like, well, no, if they did this, oh, man, dog eating a person.

Well, speaking of ransom, you take out the soundtrack from this movie, put the soundtrack to ransom. over it, you got a more accurate movie. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Totally more correct. Man, I want, instead of the bumbling police officers that show up later, Delroy Lindo darkening your doorstep, just little kid's like, ah! And it's

just like Delroy Lindo, cleaning house. Exactly. Like, an actual threatening, you know, an actor with threatening presents. Oh, yeah. Not the dude who played Jay Leno in the late shift and some other guy. Mr. Trick from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, really? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, that's a bad team. So he goes to school and he's like, rule number two when you kidnap your parents, keep your fucking lips button. Yeah, don't start telling all your dumb friends. He's telling his little buddy about it. He's like, oh, I don't know. I think I did something terrible last night. He's doing it in the bathroom. And he doesn't even check the stalls. Yeah, what kind of kidnapper are you, Grover? Haven't you watch a Sydney Who Met movie? You've got to check every stall. Every last toilet.

The good cop is listening to you take the money. He's in that stall. Maybe John Malka... Maybe John Lithgow's getting into a costume in one of those stalls? You don't know what's going on in those stalls, dude. Oh, I need cross-dressing John Lifkow in this movie, too. I need it all. I need all of Cinema's creeps to descend on this movie and shake things up a little bit.

Instead, we've got this bully who's like... an F-grade buzz from home alone. Yeah, it's like Buzz meets Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. You are totally right on that. This guy has more than a dash of the coob in him. They might be cousins or something. I apologize for this episode, only making sense to people that are 31 years old.

And only 31 years old. Yeah, there's a lot of dead 90s TV talk in this movie. I'm fine with it. Use the internet to help you with all the Easter eggs we're leaving in our path here. So the coob comes out and he's like, oh man, you kidnapped your parents. And like, this is the weird sexual bully that he's been terrified of his life. And he's like, oh, he gets ready for a punch.

He's like puts his arm around. It's like, that's a great idea, kid. And he gives him a kiss on the cheek, by the way. It's supposed to be like a Bucs bunny kiss, but A plus B equals what the fuck. And it's this weird thing, too, where he's like, you know, aren't you supposed to punch me in the face right now? And he's like, no, because I think that's awesome. And he just leaves the men's room.

Save that for later. You're just like, all right. So then it's like this dude, the bully then later barges into the house. Because he drives a van because he's already. domering it up. And this is the thing that the movie does not address. Sure. It's like, it's all these little kids, and they're doing this and that, and it's cutesy. We locked

our parents in the basement, blah, blah, blah. But the coob is at least 17 years old. He is doing a hard time for this. Oh, yeah. This dude is going down. Up the river. And when all these kids come out at the end of the movie

with their hands in the air and the spotlights on him, the coob comes out last. The cops would think that he's the cult leader. and put two in his head. It would take him down. Or it's the end of bully. And, you know, we're all in a fucking, we're all in the courtroom crying,

and, like, we're just going piece by piece. This one got 15 years because she was 13. That one got 12 years because she was 10. This one got fucking life because he was 17. Yeah, the coob got the chair. Exactly. He was accused of being the mastermind of the entire thing, and he got the death penalty.

So he shows up, he barges in, and they're like, oh, my God, the bully's here, because now the little buddy's there, and he's like, this is pretty sweet. And the guy and the other kid's like, oh, man, this door's never going to hold. Wait a minute. And he, this is when Kevin Pollock needs to be a fucking man and rush this kid. Yep. You're absolutely right. Rush this kid. Like, never does anyone rush anybody in this movie, and it doesn't make any fucking sense.

That's how you can have this situation, Kevin Pollock, rush him. You're built like a bulldog You could get him Get him in the ankles or something You got 40 year old man's strength This is a 17 year old kid You're putting him down Yeah exactly

You shouldn't be afraid of him Because he's also a bully Kevin Pollard Well actually now that I'm thinking about it It's hard to kind of rush it Since you got to go uphill You got to be going up the stairs To rush the thing Well you'd never actually see

The top of the staircase That this set is built around Because it's clearly got a landing that's at least like six feet deep, the top of these basement stairs, because you're fitting all of these actors up there at the same time as they like rush

the door and bang on the door and everything. If you can fit like six grown adults at the top of this staircase, it's got to be a floor. Yeah. So that's rushing space. He's absolutely right. And you know what? Kevin Pollock ankles are your friend. Go after him. Totally. You're low to the ground. That's

your move. They'll be understanding if you hit this child in the testicle. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Because he's not a child. He's a 17-year-old bully man. Oh, and you think Chris McDonald gives this shit? Oh, yeah, you kicked my son the nuts? Good job. So he has this, like, weird, like, again, like this weird electric set where he's like, I'm going to fucking buzz, you motherfuck up to a car battery, hooked up to a something or other. Yeah, you know. Which he's got at the ready, by the way. See, that's the thing. It's not something that was designed specifically for this harmless scheme. He has had this thing in play, in several scenarios before this afternoon's events. And there's

a bag full of dead cats in that van from all the tests he's run with the batteries. Well, he had to make sure it worked. Yes. And he's not going to try it on a person, have it not work, and then have that person go tell the police. Gus Van Sant made this movie. It was called Elephant.

Man, if this movie was directed with the dreamlike elegance of elephant, that would be something. Yeah, that might turn my tide on this one. So he's standing at the top of the stairs. Kevin Pollock is withering down there. And they put on this like bodega door,

which is like this ironclad door that's got a real lock on it and it's not going anywhere and that's the idea. Which, come on. They have all the time, again, rush this kid. Rush, rush, rush, rush this kid. It's not even about the rushing at this point that I'm finding unbelievable. Because you know what kids can do nothing? Yeah.

So how are kids who can do nothing? installing this wrought iron security door. Because they got this lunatic 17-year-old. But he's at the ready with the ball zapper. Well, that's the thing is I think the ball zapper is what stops him. But, like, honestly, if that's really all I got to do for freedom and the right to borderline beat up my children over this. Like, someone's getting cut.

You know what I mean? That's all it comes down to. It's going to hurt. I know it's going to hurt Kevin Pollock. I don't believe in ever hitting a kid and Adrian Peterson should never fucking play football ever again. However, somebody takes away my freedom in my own house. I don't care how tall they are.

It's all I'm saying. Well, that's the thing, too. Then it's just someone else's kids, and you don't know who this 17-year-old transient is. Oh, that person who's out on my front step begging to come in again. So they installed this bullshit door. Absolutely not true, but okay, fine, fine.

That's where we are now. And, you know, then he grabs the other kidney. He's like, all right, let me go grab Wallace Sean. You know who's easy to kidnap Wallace Sean? Oh, I could kidnap Wallace Sean with one arm tied behind my back. I saw, I was at a FedEx one time. I've actually seen Wallace Sean twice in the city. It's always been a delight.

Once, he was in Dwayne Reed in the candy bar aisle. And the other time he was in FedEx and he had all these books. And he kept, like, he was literally on the ground with all these. books and all these boxes trying to make it work? It was one of the most delightful moments of my life. I just imagine he was at that candy counter

because he is still a guy who will sneak candy in and I'm like, you're in movies and theater constantly. You can't buy movie concessions? No, no. Bodecas only. He is a Pixar character. Like, let's just, oh yeah. Let's cut the shit. Yeah. He was invented

by Pixar somehow 68 years ago. Disney Pixar is my dinner with Andre, directed by Brad Bird. Disney puts him out the same time as Snow White and the Seven Doer's. It's our first thing. Watch on. He was rotoscoped. So he's kidding.

We're going to go round up all the parents. You go and try kidnapping Christopher McDonald. Yeah. Jason Bourne couldn't kidnap Christopher McDonald. Absolutely not. These kids could, but it's getting bad before that. Somebody's getting cuss. But, yeah. There's definitely a dislocated several things on both bodies.

Bourne's taken a week off after he kidnaps Christopher McDonald. Do these kids try it? Someone's shitting their own teeth for a week. I swear to God, that's the only way this ends. You think they're alive? What do you have, you mind? And here's a quick way to solve this problem, by the way. Just a nice, innocent chloroforming. That's all you have to do. But instead they're like, they say that they're doing some sort of

Shear force, it looks like. No, there's, it's a sociology experiment. So they like dupe them into it. But I don't believe for a second, Christopher McDonald's participating in this. He's not a father who's going to help his kid with a science project. He's definitely calling the teacher first and being like, what are you teaching down there? Well, yeah, because he's like, he's painted as a shit heel lawyer. Like, when we meet him, he's like kind of diddling his secretary in a weird way.

He's got like his finger in her mouth. chocolates he's feeding their chocolates it's it's really overtly sexual in this film yeah I was all right with it so they barge into his office and like he's like you know the rich dad piece of shit clearly and he's like you know oh what are you doing here this that the other thing like oh it's a sociology experiment and they wind up tying him up which again it's this coob kid who's you know I don't know 511 2 10 maybe maybe and then silver chair who's not doing shit to shit. No. Mookie Arizona can't do anything in the Christopher McDonald

kidnapping of 1996. He might be squealing. Maybe. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's the one that's doing the squealing, not McDonald. So they round up all these parents. They bring them back to the house and then there's this Grover idiot like just standing there ha-ma-hom-na-ha-ma-ha-ma-ha-mina. While these

other children take over his house. But I thought we were friends. Like, what the hell did you think they were doing? And now everybody is just like, we're fixing everybody's marriage just shoving all these people in this basement. Well, because Wallace

Sean is on his second wife, as we said, and like the kid is nervous, Silverchair's nervous. This is the third wife. The third wife. And he's like, oh, you know, it's the two year, he's coming up on two years and I really like my stepmom and I don't want them to get divorced. Right. And Coob's all sorts of messed up. He's like,

Dad just hates my guts and he hates mom. And like, and you know, to be fair to Christopher McDonald, who's my favorite character of this movie, an emotional abuser, like the entire time. Oh, absolutely. He's the dad who's saying, you'll never be me, even if you tried your hardest, kind

of a thing. Like, really beating this kid down. You'll never beat your whole man ever. Yeah. That's exactly what's going on here. That's why he looks the way he does, drives the van that he does, and has this ball zapping device that he owns. Christopher McDonald kind of explains his character

very well. He's very appearance. So the whole thing is, like, we're just going to leave them down there and then we as children are going to try to facilitate group therapy and the kids like reading all these self-help books so he can be this like not even like quack doesn't even begin to describe it there's this shot where he's just hanging out in his bedroom watching this like face the fear and go through the fear like and then he's at a library later reading the book version of it well you got to see if the book was better i suppose that's true but that's

where we run into Jennifer Love, who's crying in the library or whatever. It's actually the one legitimate laugh I got out of this movie. When he eerily goes up to it. So earlier in the movie, she can't pay for her lunch because she doesn't have enough money. She's short a quarter, and Grover steps in he's like, here's a quarter. So he's trying to think of a line to talk to her in the library, and he's all nervous because he's a little, you know, 14-year-old boy. And he just goes, you owe me a quarter. And I'm like, you start crying.

She bursts out crying. And you're just like, what is going on? And her whole thing is, it's not that her parents are getting divorced. She lives with her single mom, who's Jennifer Tilly, who's also great in this movie. She gave me a lot of legitimate laughs in this movie. And her whole thing is, my mom keeps talking and dressing like me and it's ruining my life. That's a fucking Jerry Springer topic if I ever heard it. Oh, yeah.

But it's a couple Jerry Springer's about that one. And so Grover's like, oh, you know what? I got this place you could shove her for a while and it'll just work everything out. Look, I just built my first prison. Hey, I got this hole in my house. You want to come see it? And, you know, she's like, oh, I'll invite my mom to a PTA meeting. And, you know, Jennifer Tilley is playing the dits as she does so well and gets, you know, trapped in the basement too.

And Christopher McDonald, again, it's like 12 Angry Men starring one guy. because he's the only dude who's legitimately in the right frame of mind here. Everyone else is like, you know, it'll blow over or something. Wallace Sean's like, oh, fun, let's play operation, you know? And it's like, oh, you're a Muppet, and that's fun. And, you know, Kevin Pollock and Jamie Lee Curtis are just like, I don't know, you know. Well, they're also mortified because their pending separation is the catalyst for this one. So they're just like really embarrassed that everyone is stuck in their basement.

Oh, but we did go over something I wanted to bring up really, really quick. Sure. Before, like you were saying, how the daughter does get in on the partying, the sister, the Grover's sister gets them in the partying. The night before they do all this, or is this night? It is this night. Yeah, we're going right into it, so this is perfect timing. So they, I mean, they're locked, it's like night one.

And they're like, all right, everybody's down there. Let's lock that door. and let's just kick it into high gear. Pantara starts playing up. That's not Pantara, but it's some metal band. Fantaara. It's somebody doing a punk cover of Sesame, the Sesame Street theme song.

Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, it's stupid. Yeah, that sounds pretty stupid. I didn't even notice. But this whole thing's, so the kids start partying, they're just, you know, they're cutting loose. And Grover is not having it. Yeah.

Now, this is something I don't understand completely, and I don't notice, you know, might just be my brain. So, locking six adults in a basement, it could be explained away. Sure. Partying with pizza. Not okay. Not okay. Definitely not okay. They play music a little too loud and order a pizza, and he's like, oh, what the fuck?

I'm trying to build something here. Well, that's because this kid's a little maniac, dude. He's that guy who had all those women in Ohio, not coincidentally. Yeah, totally. Just locked in a basement. And that's the thing that's kind of messed up because this movie, the movie, like, if you're, you know, when you watch it, those scenes, like, demonize those kids for cutting loose and, you know, fucking off and everything.

And then he's the one that's really trying to do something. He's the one that's on a mission to save his parents' marriage. but the movie doesn't acknowledge like that's still crazy that's a worse crazy I agree much worse crazy he's going through because you know if you're just doing it to fuck around

and play extra Super Nintendo I get you you know what I mean like you're still deranged but at least you're a fun kind of deranged the goal makes sense at least yeah your goal was to bring these two people together this way it's bizarre and so they have a

they do a bullshit video set up, which doesn't make any sense. Not surprisingly, he starts drilling holes in the floor, like shallow grave. You're totally right. He's drilling those holes, and he gets, like, a video setup going, so he can look at them, and they could look at him, and, like... Because this, the goofy friend who looks like the keyboard-playing brother from Hanson, you know, he's, like, the video tech, because, like, he was the one that was editing

that just, you know, doomed to fail at the box office, fucking honeymoon video. The story of us. Yeah. So he, like, rigs this thing where, and it's total nonsense. There's no way they could do this, but, like, they take, you know, their camera and they patch it into the basement TV, which they're just presuming is turned on. I mean, none of this could work. But it's so, like, they can, like, talk to each other and facilitate this group therapy that's happening. and boy how well it goes

there's one point during the group therapy where Wallace Sean announces that he gets standing ovations in bed and it's another thing where like all those kids are just up there listening to that and the response is amazing because he's like he says that

and starts laughing and all the adults are like oh my God and then the kids are just like that's great this is great we're talking this is fantastic and conversations happening and I was like do you not like are you that young that you don't

understand what he's saying because it's really weird. Really fucked up it is that he's saying it in front of children. Oh yeah, just right in front of kids. He's also just so delighted to be there. It's a funny move for the character.

But I don't know what this guy's problem is. I really don't understand he's like a salesman and they do that's the other thing is like people have to pay bills am I wrong? People are missing work for days and days. This lasts like four to five days at least, right?

Oh, it's at least a week-long standoff. Yeah, because, like, Kevin Pollock is definitely fired because there's that one scene where... Where the kids go and take blueprints to the airport for them. Yeah, where Redhead, whatever his name is. We're calling him the Coob. The Coob. Yeah. It looks like Coobiac from Parker Lewis.

I never watched Parker Lewis. He was the dude who was that, like, big burly nurse on, like, early seasons of ER. Oh, okay. He closed down ER, man. Oh, was he really? He was the one that fucking put the chairs up over, if I'm not mistaken. He was in it till the very end, huh? Absolutely.

I just assumed not because that show was on so long that, like, most of those characters rotated out. But, yeah, Kubei, he takes, he's going to take this blueprint to the airport. I mean, who knows who? His boss, Kevin Pollock's boss. And it's amazing because they're like, shut up, Kevin Pollock. We talk to your boss. We told them that you're sick. We're going to drive those blueprints to the.

airport it could be fine no way is this working out and we don't see the scene because we just don't see the scene which i cut i mean the movie's actually way too long anyway it's almost an hour and 45 minutes which is a huge problem oh it's a long-ass movie i don't know i think it's one 48 actually so you're you're pushing close to two hours of this nonsense yes so the group therapy isn't going well um the kids getting really frustrated and the kids you know everyone's partying and they serve them this bullshit meal which bothers it's the same thing we had with Teen Witch

which is kids don't understand what fun food is. Again, it's the exact same thing. You want to make a bad food like you're making a macaroni and cheese, you're having too much cheese you're, you know, just overdoing it. This is like chocolate and Rice Krispies

and fucking skittles. With a blend it together into this like man to shit. The chocolate sauce that's getting put into this thing. All by the way, a song is playing from a renowned female folk vocalist

Beryl Fro. I mean, this song is like what's the Cheryl Crow song where it's like A little bit closer. Yes. This is the Jennifer Love Hewitt song. Oh, is it? Yeah, this is it. Oh, it sounds totally like a Cheryl rip-off and they like

they lay it over to like Every Day is a winding road, I apologize. Yes, thank you. That's what it's, it sounds like every day is a winding road. And the whole thing is like they're just doing this to mask just how insane all of this is. Strange. Because listen, I'll tell you what. There's

two like, so the nerdy friend who's the video expert, he's got two younger brothers that might be twins or something. They amount to nothing, but yeah. Yeah, but they're like five years old or something like that. So you get some like idiot kid who's five years old and's like, I'm going to make dinner. Yeah. That's acceptable.

Sure. Sure. The coob can register to vote at his next birthday and he's like oh yeah chocolate sauce let's get it in there like no you moron you have to know that that's not food fucking make sandwiches there's peanut butter there's bread

you're done by the way I should bring up the title of that Jennifer Love Hewitt's song is it's good to know that I'm alive all right I don't know why well it's good to know that the parents have it you know as fixated in the basement

or something I guess that is a positive message What do they call them? It's like chocolate burgers because then they fry them like hamburgers. Yes, they do. And the like kitchen's on fire. And, you know, they serve them. And of course, Wallace, I was like,

Mm, delightful. Which is, you know. Oh, it's delicious. It's fine. You know, he's doing his best. And Christopher Mald's like, this is fucking horrid. My favorite part in the best move of the movie.

Oh, wait. Is when Christopher Hidal fakes a heart attack. Yes. Oh, man. It's so great. move because that's why I respect him. He's an emotional abusive piece of shit

cheating on his wife and he treats her like garbage. Oh, oh, just Oscar the grouch levels of garbage. But, you know, in the middle of one of these bullshit therapy sessions, he's like, oh, you goddamn it! And grabs his chest and goes to the floor.

Here's my thinking with that, though. Because the coob doesn't fall for it. I feel unfortunately like Christopher McDonald has played this card before. Oh, really? It's not the first time he's faked a heart

attack because everyone's flipping out and you see the coob in the background just shaking his head like, um, mm-mm. Pulled that at my junior high school graduation. Exactly. I have a feeling the phony heart attack has been dealt at least

once before. Oh man, is Christopher McDonald using a wheelchair at Disneyland? Because that's not all right. We've all been tempted, but you just can't do it. God, you just want to right? Because what are they going to do? You don't have papers They can ask for your papers

I think he's more playing The like Oh you know He's a little You know He's a little touched in the head Let the coop go up front I mean it's not entirely

Inaccurate with this character But he doesn't commit to it So he's on the floor And his wife's trying to like Resuscitate him And everyone freaks out They're about to open the door And the coob's like no no no

It's my dad And they're like you rap scallions I'm like no no dude Stay down Stay down for like a couple hours See what happens. Yeah. Like, you could get them to break.

And when you hear them like scurrying all over the house trying to figure out what to do, you know, like, because they will inevitably divide 50-50 between call on the cops and not call on the cops. And you know they're going to fight about it for a while. Sure. That's when you're, as Christmas with McDonald, like kind of open your eyes and you're like, hey, hey, I just, I'm fucking with them so they'll open the door. I just want everybody down here to know that I'm totally cool. It's fine. Drag me over there. Put the tarp over me.

Up in the tarp. Pretend I've. Already expired. Oh, and then all the kids go down, and they're like, oh, my God, he's dead. And they're, like, crying to their parents. And then he fucking sits up straight as a board and starts housing these kids. Oh, yeah. Undertaker choke slams for everybody.

There is, I think, again, one of my favorite parts of this movie, and I have a few, is the Christopher McDonald-C-Pack-Fist fight that happens. Wow. this movie Talk About a fantasy Allows Kevin Pollock To get like five really nice shots On Christopher McDonald Yeah, okay

It's Tyson versus Betty White Just stop it with this Yeah, whatever you say movie And it's stupid Because they're getting in each other's face And like, it's that classic These movies where like I'm upper upper middle class

well you know what i'm just upper middle class that makes you a dick well that's what's amazing too he's like i'm a lawyer and kevin pollock's like oh yeah well i'm an architect he's just like oh man you first world motherfuckers make almost exactly the same amount of money then yeah and i think jame lear curtis works too yeah she's got a job and she's the head of some like bank division thing i mean they're doing just fine and the coob's mother doesn't look like she does so i don't know what these even talks about. Well, the Coob's mother is an interesting person because she is

also a lawyer, but Christopher McDonald like forbids it. Yeah, it's weird. So she's like a... No, she dropped out of law school to support him. Oh, right, right, right. So he could become a lawyer. That's, yeah, you're totally right. So there's,

of course, you have one of these scenes where like the cops are going to come to the door. Sure. Which Ray Walston is just, he's on the, he's on the periphery of this movie, just pretending like he's a part of it. Oh, we get the home alone bullshit with the traps, which bothers me. Yeah, we're setting traps. And you know

what? Anytime after 1990, when a kid sets a trap, you're ripping off home alone. That's just what's happening. And they set a bunch of trip wires. Again, it's the coob, because he's a terrifying young adult is like, I know how to set all

these trip wires so that when they cross it, they're going to get pulled up in a net. And it's just, it's terrifying. But so the cops come to the door at one point because like the adults are messing with the fuse box and the lights are going on and off. That's not how fuse boxes work. Because Kevin Pollock's like, I'll fix these little fucks. And he's like, I'll just turn the lights off. And that's it. Now, now, no Nintendo and guess what's going to happen. They're going to cry about it. Which is a great

move. And Jamie Lee Curtis is like, no, I thought about that. They might burn the house down. I'm like, let him burn the house down. Yep. Seriously, let him do it. Let's see what happens. Someone's going to call the fucking fire department and then everyone's going to jail. Exactly. Let him have it. Let him think that this will work. If we lose one or two, who gives a shit? I'm tired of it anyway. Either way, you're smoking them out. With real smoke or just with threats of smoke.

You're going to take another day of chocolate burgers? Oh, well, that's nice and all. Fuck you, I'm doing this. So these cops come to the door, and, like, they way too fast are able to come up with a plan. Like, these kids aren't thinking on their feet that much. They're like, oh, mom and dad are out, and we're playing Twister. I mean, I think that's why you have to have these older kids like Jennifer Love Hewitt in the Cube. Yeah.

Because, like, those two can just easily be like, we're the babysitters, we're babysitting. Your parents are all out and whatever. Because there's really no reason why there should be this much, like, age diversity in a scam like this. If it's not for the fact that you need the older kids to pretend to be babysitters. So your screenplay doesn't make no sense. But the one time he doesn't, and I think it's this scene. he doesn't act like the

babysitter he asks like the electrician well he's acting like an electrician but Jennifer Love is there

like playing Twister with the kids so it's like that's the babysitter and yeah he's pretending to be this electrician

like fucking whatever not convincing at all he's got his socks on I had to take my shoes off got to ground

myself you know old electrician's trick take your shoes is off. We're going a little out of order because this movie doesn't, there's no actual plot. It's like they get stuck in a basement and shit happens

and then the movie ends. One of the, actually happens right before this, is the dinner scene like, the kids like, oh, too many chocolate burgers. I'm going to make a nice dinner for everybody. And we're going to be adults. He makes a meatloaf and they're doing this bullshit Fave Matthews thing where we're

setting the table to this song. Dude, there's so much in this movie. It's not just this scene and I'm sorry to cut you off. Steve. You're right. but it's a real poison in this motion picture. Is assholes dancing around having a great time? It's the big chill all over itself. But, like, the big chill, one, used legitimately great music.

Sure. Two, had legitimately great actors. And three, gave those characters a reason to dance around and have a good time. Not setting the table. Yeah. And they're cutting loose in the big chill. Exactly. They're just kidnappers.

They're doing the whole, like, we're toss at a place. and you're going to catch it. I'm tossing a glass and you're going to catch it. Did you see the weird part about this that they kept in and it like destroys the whole movie? Oh, yeah, where magic happens? It's like, why did it? It's a montage so I guess we can get away with it.

The coob is throwing the plates. Everyone's catching. Throw in the plates. He throws the plate and then you cut and then the coop catches it and then the kid next to him was like, wait, what? And then he runs away. They acknowledge it. It's so bizarre and so wide.

on earth would you do this to your movie? These characters acknowledge that a paranormal phenomenon happened in the middle of this shaved Tathews band montage. What is this like fucking primer? Is that what's going on?

Am I watching Primer right now? Yeah, they built a shitty time machine in a storage facility so he could chuck a plate at himself. And then run back at Tom how he shouldn't throw the plate at him. it's so why why would you put this in this movie for nothing and it's just one of those stupid like these kids are just having a lot of fun making this no a paranormal event happened then we start drinking

that's what i'm that's what i'm about because that jami luke curtis has some like bottle of champagne that she's been saving her such and such i think she's saving it for when the fucking divorce papers absolutely ink is dry get that motel eight kick back Here we go. Find a man that's 5-8. Now we're talking. A local bar. Some champagney for all of us.

Christopher McDonald makes some mention because he's a lawyer and Kevin Pollock says something about like, I do have a divorced lawyer, this guy. And Christopher McDonald's like, I can get you the house, but the kids will be a struggle or something like that. Whatever. After this, take those fucking kids. Get those monsters out of my house. They're getting raised by the county after this, that's for sure.

So it's like, oh, we'll all have a nice little, and it's the Coob's idea because, you know, he's a bit dommer, you know, drinking in high school. Oh, yeah. So he pours everyone some champagne, they have a toast, and they all drink. And you know what? This is bullshit, because everyone spits it out like, ew, cooties. Every kid like champagne, right? It's the one I would think wouldn't, like, would be unobjectionable. It's not like you're getting that hard liquor burn.

It's not like beer that doesn't taste like anything. else but beer. At least with champagne it's like oh I guess it's kind of like grape juice or grape juice which I've had before something like that with bubbles and bubbles are like everyone did it in New Year's you know what I mean? Like your mom or a wedding you get a little

you always got a little sip you know what I mean and the fact they go and what's I give these actors credit because my spitey senses were tingling you just see these children spit all over each other. That's what's happening and Jennifer Love Hewitt's going along with it just spitting getting spit on whatever she'll take it they all take it it's gross

it's so gross it's very disgusting it's not it's not good uh and then you know somehow the bottle goes downstairs you know uh because he puts it in his backpack yes that's right and then because we're having another threatening moment with the ball zapper yes that's yeah he comes down he's like hey everyone being everyone being good boys and good girls down here. Just coming down, make sure you're all behaving yourselves. And I'm sorry. If that door opens, Christopher McDonald is going for it. It's a freight train.

You cannot stop him. Whatever. If you open that door, he's going through it. See, that's the thing. That character just needs to stand by that door the entire time. Yep. Maybe crouch down so they don't notice you right away. And the second, the door is cracked, Break it! And he just runs at that door. And that's it.

And then you're free. Then you're calling the cops and everyone's dead. But that's the other thing I didn't understand is that, like, in the middle of all, why aren't you just at the door screaming your head off? Someone's going to hear something. Yeah, you got neighbors. You got, they're close enough. But so the champagne bottle makes its way downstairs.

And now everyone, obviously, because they've been together for a while, we get a little breakfast clubby, we're all talking about, you know, what we wanted to be when we were such and such. Oh, well, it's the bullshit, like, Grover's like, I'm invisible to you, Jennifer Love, Hewitt. You're the popular girl. You're a rock star. And then the coobs like, yeah, you're just a fucking cold, icy bitch.

I sat behind you for a whole year. Man, my balls were freezing cold. I spit on you every day. You didn't even say hello. And then it's like, no, no, guys, remember, we're all friends now because we're committing this heinous act together. We're all going down together. We're on the clink.

Because this is something you will never forget. No, no, no, no, right? Like, you, like, we've all forgotten, like, days playing with childhood friends. Sure. Those evaporate away in a cloud of weed smoke and alcohol, right? Sure. But remember that time we kidnapped all of our parents is sticking with you forever. These kids are bound to it.

Multiple top-tier felonies? No, yeah, these are all sticking with you. Top tier. So, but they're drinking downstairs and everyone starts fucking downstairs, right? I'm right.

No, there's definitely fucking in that basement. It's weird because everyone's like, it's not that big of a basement and everyone's giving it to everybody else. Except for Christopher McDonald and his wife, who, she's not a huge actress, but she was in Die Hard 2.

Okay. And then, and Jennifer Tilly, who's just alone. Yeah. But yeah. Wallace, Sean and his wife, and then Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Pollock are definitely fucking in that basement. It's the chopping mall thing.

We're all in close quarters, and we're all just doing it like it's high school. And it's all started off by Kevin Pollock is strumming that ukulele. And someone else is like, oh, I didn't know you played that. Play is a song. He's like, no, I couldn't possibly. Well, maybe Al Pacino could. could play a few ditties for you right now oh i see why you're getting separated oh my god you live with this for how long oh you're brave mr mcdonnell you sure you can't get through that door

just go for it so if you used wallace sean as a battering ram which no one thinks to throw him through anything and it's very frustrating but uh no so he's playing this tune and then jamie lee Curtis is like dance with me and he's like well if I'm doing that then no one's going to be playing the song so sorry I guess we can't dance and she's like no I got that covered it's just as good as you playing a live instrument

cut to a Hawaiian music box and so the music goes from like nice you know little yuk tune to this terrifying haunted house music box song and that's when the juices really get flowing it's like a conjuring scenes you would get that

from and she just leads Kevin Pollock into the area of the basement. I believe they're also shitting and pissing in. Oh, yeah. There's an unfinished bathroom. Yeah, that's not flushing. No. Staying right there. And then Christopher McDonald's got to stand on that

fucking thing where he's trying to chisel himself out through the concrete. Oh, he does try to break through the concrete. Because everybody else is like, oh, man, you know what? This is kind of great. We got to thank them kids when we were done with them. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to give him a big reason as well. The sober mind.

an adult is up there with a little piece of metal just chiseling out it's a little piece of metal and a dream man that's all he's got to get out of that basement and all my heart is behind him so that's what they basically do is he chisels out oh at this point benstein shows up which is just who could

give a shit noted national aggravator benstein god he sucks he shows up and does his benstein thing the exact same way he's Ben Stein did before. It's like, is your mother home? And it's like, no, here are divorce papers. And the kid, this kid has himself a terrifying freak out.

This is a grade A United States of America psychotic break. I mean, he's breaking furniture. She doesn't know what to do. He keeps doing different things. Poor Moogie, Arizona's video equipment is all destroyed. And he just, that kid, the nerdy little buddy, is just watching everything go down in flames around him as this kid freaks out. And he starts blaring some Janice in chains. And it's just bad, man.

It's really unsettling. Well, then Ben Stein calls him back like five minutes later. He's like, I really need to speak to your mother. He's like, you don't need to speak my mother because you're trying to tear my mother and father apart. And he's freaking out. And this is my only legitimate laugh. He's flip it out on this fucking handheld phone. God damn it!

And he hangs up the phone and there's this cat, this perfectly positioned cat, next to the phone. It's like, this terrified moment is a good laugh. And it's really weird. And then like Kevin Pollock's like, oh my God, I thought we were just getting separated. She's like, no. Well, she says something where she was like, my friends who have also been divorced say that even if you're going to separate, everybody draws up papers. is I assumed you were too. That's her line on it. Yeah. I thought you were going to counsel an actual lawyer, not just talk to yourself for 25 minutes. It was my mistake, Kevin Pollock. I apologize. Well, my counsel, the esteemed Mr. Kirk, I think you should stay together. You definitely don't need marriage counseling. See, this is the reason I talk to the lawyer about getting the papers drawn up. Hey, I played a lawyer. a couple of times.

You know, you could just stop doing that. And you know what? Chris McDonnell. If you need someone to get through the litigation, wait till they get a load of me. And then everyone in the basement strangles in it. He's torn apart like it's dawn of the dead. Lim for limb.

Yeah, his intestines are confetti at that point. It's just like a parade. Because that's what you do when Kevin Pollock starts going. Well, all the lights are off. I was thinking about Reanimator. Oh, yeah. Just in pieces. Kevin Pollock now starts to,

because he's not having such a good time being imprisoned in his own house. He joins the Christopher McDonald effort finally. Right. And let's get through this fucking window. Right. And we eventually break through. And then the hilarious gag of Wallace Sean coming up

and being like, well, but gosh darn it, who's tiny enough to fit through there? And then everyone looks at him, and he starts screaming like a maniac. It's really weird. This is the least dignified part of the movie for Wallace Sean. Yeah, because he's just shoved through this concrete. And he's positioned in such a way. I don't think the human body can actually contort it.

No. You know, and I'm like, they're just going to murder him, trying to shove him through there. No, it's going to tick off the legs. That's the rest of your life. And the cops come back and see Wallace Sean trying to burrow his way to freedom. And they're like, oh, something terrible's been going on. And then they get caught up in those traps. They all get stuck up in the nets, right?

Guess what? That's another five years right there. That's assaulting a police officer. That's exactly what that is. Absolutely. Oh, man, these kids are touching the chair. You touch a policeman's cap, you're going down. You think fucking putting an old school trap on them, you're in trouble.

Is there ever a moment before the whole thing falls to pieces that this kid's making out with Jennifer Love Hewitt? No, that's an after. It's just an after thing. Because he just starts moping really hard. Oh, right. And then they all decide, they're like, listen, it's over. Yes. Like, it's over, dude. This whole Jones Town's coming down.

Man, the fire has started. Mm-hmm. You know, we got to get out of here. Koresh is not coming back as the Lord and Savior. It's time for all of us to get our Kool-Aid and get out of here. And so, I mean, here's the thing. You can say a couple of cops went to this house and we haven't heard back from them maybe you should send someone over to check out what's going on

like whatever Ray Walston is calling in but this is like four SWAT teams show up from four different counties and the lethal weapon I just needed a broken fire hydrant but to be fair though that's how this shit works once you get the word hostage situation going on even if it's just a guy

and a screwdriver. Yeah. It's a 6-Swat team show up and figure that shit out. And so they got all these guns on this house and somehow Ray Walston is the one who's able to get that bullhorn. He's like, step aside, junior.

And I'm like, no, old man, you're being ushered away. Oh, no, you give it to Kevin Spacey and let him talk about the ending of Shane. Man, I think that movie's a state-tuned. I don't know about you guys. It is. I kind of love that movie.

I mean, it's preposterous But I love that movie Giamani's just like Ah Feel bad for you Samuel L Why is your hair red in this movie What a mistake Anybody see this jacket

I'm wearing So Ron Rifkin Huh He looks like the bad guy to me Yeah my buddy's on him Nah John Spencer You're all right

So they just all walk out They all just give it up The coob is not shot in the head Somehow Like I'm sorry He's significantly older than them He's got long crazy hair He's getting put down

Yep He's getting tased at least At the very least They let all the adults out Yes And you know Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Pollock Who have now found love again

Like kiss each other And they're like oh my God And, like, this kid's getting put in the back of a squad car. He's like, yeah, my parents are making out. And he's like, well, the cops like, yeah, this is a good idea. Let's just get you right out of here. What's totally fucked up and unfair, though, about when they come outside is like, they're initially not talking to each other.

And Jamie Lee Curtis is like, can I talk to you for a second? And he's like, our son's getting put in the back of a squad car. And she's like, all right, just for a second. And she starts, like, talking him. about the state of their relationship or whatever and she's like you know we made a lot of mistakes and I know most of them were mine

and that's when you want Kevin Pollock to be like no you know everybody's made mistakes I've made just as much and he's just like uh huh keep talking baby he fixes his crown polish is a sceptor I was like fuck you character come on yes

two mice wasn't a bucket of cream she's like second thought fuck fuck everything I just said divorce town You know what? I'm going to get married to Christopher Guest and become some kind of a queen, I guess. Yeah, they're royalty through whatever he's got going on. That's pretty great. I just want to be at a party and just the lady and lord Christopher Guest. I think that happens like every time he goes into like Dan Castellaneta's summer barbecue or something, they'll do that.

Sure. But what Jamie Lee Curtis says is like, now hold on a second. Look at all that Grover has done for us. Look at what's happened as she points to all of the squad cars and assault rifles pointed at them. He's about to fucking put his head outside the squad car like the Joker, man. He's just like feeling the chaos. Just, yeah, just getting the pulse of the town. Hearing the helicopters and the screams. Just the wind going through that shitty ball cut. Far off, you can hear Bruce Wayne's green.

grief? Yeah. Yeah. Just slight, if you listen, very. And it's just, it's unbelievable. And then we kind of cut back to Hawaii town and he's given us the wrap up of everything. And it's like Christopher McDonald and his wife did not get divorced. They did. They get divorced. She goes to law school. She finishes her degree and they

open a practice together. First, they say that, you know, they all got arrested. They spent one night in Juvenile Hall. Which there's cut to, like, someone filming home video of them being like, yeah, rock and roll, going to prison for the night. And Christopher McDonald, because his wife said that she was going to take him for everything he owned, had to, like, turn heel and, like, get them out. You know what I mean? Oh, right. Yeah. He was such a good lawyering lawyer.

Yeah, he does a good job lawyering them. It's not, that's not how, like, it's not a thing where you can drop the charges. The coob is getting the chair. You assaulted police officers. You're going away for a little while. Totally. I'm not sure if you can go to juvenile hall for a night. No. I think you get sent to juvenile hall for months on end. Yeah, I don't know. It's not like a day's in.

No, it's like a jail. I think you just go to jail if you're a kid. I mean, maybe a separate, you know, cell. Yeah, I don't know. It's a bunch of horse shit. But, you know, so they got divorced but now have a law practice together. Wallace Sean and his wife are now expecting a kid, so they're definitely not getting divorced. Right. Also, I cannot miss pointing this out. But during this montage, where we're hearing about what happened to everybody, there is some fun-loving saxophone going on. And it's again, we're going into another shave Tathews band song. And this saxophone is front and fucking center. It's out of control. You get the brass. And then, you know, it's kids rule all of a sudden because they go back to school after going to prove. prison and everyone's just giving him a standing ovation. It's like a thing where he's like, so yeah, we're still all best friends now.

No, we're family. And they go into like the cafeteria and it's a standing O. A standing O for these masterminds. And you know what? As the Wikipedia plot summary says, also Grover and Brooke became boyfriend and girlfriend and she passionately kisses him in front of their classmates. at school for a very long time, causing slightly awkward moment for the bystanders. It's absolutely true.

It's totally true because Kube and the other kid, like, exchange glance is like, we should just back away. And the one kid mimes, like, looking at a watch. Do we have to applaud for the kiss to? Oh, yeah. You better. I guess. It's the new king and queen of the school.

I guess. Those creeps that kidnap their parents and wear their faces. And that's the thing is like, shit always gets misconstrued in high school. You know what I mean? Like somebody goes, you know, somebody yells at schools like, oh, my God, that guy pulled a knife on Mrs. McLaren. And then somebody's like, oh, my God, he killed her. You know what I mean? And it goes like that.

It's like, oh, my God, those are those weird kids that like ate their parents. Dude, there's definitely a human centipede rumor going around. There absolutely is. And they're half right. Final sequence. how to do it. Man, and so then we go to Hawaii, and it's like, we're just doing the honeymoon over, the kids are there,

and we're just not getting divorced, because you just erased it. You just erased that divorce. And you know what? Here's the thing. My parents got divorced, everyone. Now I know a thousand people are like, obviously. But this movie isn't helpful to kids to deal with divorce.

You know what I mean? It's actually really hurtful. And I mean, because usually, again, when divorce happens, it happens is boom. We're getting separated. Boom, boom, boom. We're gone. It's done. Mrs. Doubtfire is actually pretty good at that.

You know what I mean? It's like, and there's no way anyone's getting back together, even though dad's dressed it up like an old lady and all sorts of whatever. But at least it takes that seriously. Well, and this, like, the worst thing you use, like, there is something you can do about it. Right. Kids, there is something you can do about it. Lock them in the basement.

But that's the thing, though, because it's not even, like, putting the thought in, like, you have to lock someone in the basement, but just the idea of you can do something about this. Exactly. And then it's your fault. Do you know what if you? Like, literally, if you're the one, if it's on your shoulders to fix it, then it's your fucking fault. If your fucking. If your wacky scheme doesn't work, then it's actually your fault. I know Mama Ted said it wasn't, but however it actually is. Like they were on the brink of coming back together, but you made just. the wrong move at the wrong time with your plan and now they're getting divorced and it's all your fault. And your problem here is that you didn't get Christopher

McDonnell down there. Well, I would just love a million ways of this going wrong like what the filmmakers had wrought. It's like, well, I was trying to get my parents back together so I put a plastic bag over my dad's head. So, oh, and then he died.

Oh, and then he was just dead. Yeah, I wanted my parents to get back together. So I put a golf driver in my dad's hands and said he had to choose between hitting my sister or his wife in the face while holding a gun to him to make him actually choose that.

I thought that was pretty tough. Yeah, the plan blew up in my face when he chose my mother, though. Divorce Town. But it's so fucking funny games. It is. It's funny games. It's the Twilight Zone because they're all locked in like one space.

So you have that weird thing, which is like at least 13 different Twilight Zone. episodes at least you know how did we get here that is the big question how did you get there christopher mcdonald because my god you fucking idiot and they kind of it's not an official one but there's kind of a hint at setting up a sequel yes because like he's talking to the camera at the end and he's like and if they act up there's always the attic there's always the axe yeah totally well he's got the chance Chuckie haircut, why not? Let's go for it.

Hey, Andy, heard your parents were getting divorced. I got a couple of tips that maybe will smooth things over. I'm going to split them up. Oh, yeah, that's how Chuckie would deal with divorce. Oh, man. And then as if I don't want this movie to end fast enough, through almost the entire credits, it's every character. Every character in Hawaii, just, again, just idiot white people dancing in front of the camera.

Like, morons. It's a backyard of, like, a Florida house. Like, it's not actual Hawaii. Right. Clearly tell it. But they work in, like, Ray Walston is somehow on this Hawaiian getaway with the dog. Stop it. Stop it, stop it.

The coob, of course, has, like, a pet snake. Yeah. The snake's on a Hawaiian vacation. Christopher McDonald is in the same atmosphere These people Like he doesn't want to be near anybody No, absolutely not He's not going on this Hawaiian vacation

Andrew's side question Did you always kind of want A Star Trek movie about Or at least like a TV movie Of Christopher McDonald's TNG captain character Yes, because that was kind of a badass character And that was like a setup for a backdoor pilot If there ever was one

Yeah, I know Man, that does bother me I thought about that actually on my last TNG rewatch. Because it's a good character. It is. It's him and what's her face, right? Tasha Yard, they go off together? Yeah, I think they, because they used to... One of the three to four times she came back?

Yeah, I don't forget, I don't remember what she's doing there, but I believe that's what's going on. Yeah, and they have like a little side adventure. Sure. I want that show. I'd watch that instead of Scott Bacula fart around in the past. Now, what's worse?

Getting locked in a basement or an attic? Or watching Interprecha? What would you rather have happened? Be locked in the basement by your kids for a week or have to sit and marathon all the seasons of Enterprise. Enterprise. Yeah. I guess because at least with Enterprise I can use a real toilet.

Yeah, Enterprise, I guess. I feel like it's easier to get to your real question. I think getting an addict is probably a lot easier. A lot easier. Because you're breaking that window that's up there. Kids can't pour concrete up there. And they can't monitor you as well. They have to go up.

You have the high ground, literally. Yeah, I'm just kind of thinking more about, like, addicts are usually more haunted than a basement. Well, I mean, if we're bringing ghosts into it, sure. Dude, I'm almost always bringing ghosts into it. But, like, in the basement, then you're dealing with, like, zombies and, like, this was built on, you know, Native American. Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, you get that conjuring basement. You don't want to go down there.

Oh, that's a bad basement. It's a real bad basement. So who is recommending this movie? It's too long. If it was like 15 minutes shorter, maybe, there's just no plot or development or like escalation. Yeah, it's all just like back to the basement, now back up from the basement. And montages. Yeah, it's a no for me too.

You know, Fat Kid, Chris Cabin would have said yes, exuberantly fat man, Chris Cabin is saying no. Fat Kid Summer 2, Birthday Money? Yeah, I'm not recommending this movie. I mean, someone needs to die in that basement for me to recommend this movie. Those kids need to do some serious time for me to recommend this movie. Like, I just need some sort of realism. Or like a chivvy chase, I'm taking out old, you know, photographs and stuff. Like, at least there's, like, from Christmas vacation.

Yeah, like a sappy part. Yeah, or like some, like, I'm doing. something in the basement rather than just playing the ukulele. Just literally sitting around waiting for the credits to roll. Actually, back hit summer two. Christmas can't come early enough. That's house arrest from 1996 directed by Harry Weiner. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com.

Listen to the other shows on the network. Check out sideshownetwork. dot TV. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Did this movie help you through a brutally painful

divorce? I bet it didn't. Rate and review in iTunes or wherever you get the show, we would greatly appreciate it. Now, clue for next week's episode. Rutger Hauer. Rutger Hauer returning to the show after a long absence. It can be

any number of things, I'd wager. It's not hobo with a shotgun. No, I'm never watching that movie again. Nor is it flesh and blood. What's flesh and blood? It's Paul Verhoeven. It's like a fantasy, like swords and sandals, but like, you know, defending the kingdom. And Rutger Hauer is a, it's like a bastard knight who like...

Yeah, no, thanks. I'm already falling asleep. It's a whole thing. So next week, we're talking about Rutker Hauer in some way or another. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Theda. Chris Gap. Take it easy.