We Hate Movies - S5 Ep208: Camp Nowhere

Episode Date: June 16, 2015

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza packs up and heads to camp as the guys talk about the totally insane, yet still recommended, Camp Nowhere! How did these parents let their kids get picked up for camp by an unmarked school bus without asking any questions? Why is Christopher Lloyd willing to risk doing serious time to help these kids out? And can we please get that body-shaming mother jailed? PLUS: Private Detective Loren Visser is out for blood... again! Camp Nowhere stars Christopher Lloyd, Jonathan Jackson, Andrew Keegan, M. Emmet Walsh and noted Tom Hanks B-side, Peter Scolari; directed by Jonathan Prince. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mander Jupin. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Steven's hit it. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, we continue the summer blockbuster extravaganza with a little film from 1994, directed by some person named Jonathan Prince. It's, of course, the camp classic Camp Nowhere. Welcome to the 90s, everybody. Oh, big time 90s movie.

Yeah, get ready for your wardrobes all over the place. tie-dye. Your wardrobes, your soundtracks, your haircuts. Yeah, it was a bona fide decade. It was a period of time. This kid's mullet is out of control. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's ridiculous.

And he's, what's the show that he's on? He's now on Nashville. He used to be on all my children, I want to say. Yeah, he's won several prestigious soap opera awards, top shelf. I mean, the daytime Emmy is the... They are a soap opera awards. It's the Oscar of Soap Opera Awards. So also, of course, the big star of this movie is Christopher Lloyd, man.

This is sad. It was weird he got relegated to like a kiddie director, kind of a guy. Right, he was in those Dennis the Menace movies, or one of them at least. He might have been. He was in the villain in the first. Oh, wow, I forgot that. He plays like a dangerous hobo who kidnaps him at the end. Oh, right.

Oh, the homeless guy. Oh, that's Christopher Lloyd. Oh, man, I haven't seen that movie since I, like, rented it. That might be a state dude. All of those some things, angels in the somewhere. Angels in the Outfield. Was he an Angels in the End zone? I think you might have been.

Oh, man, that stinks. But they didn't get Donald Glover back for that one. Or Danny Glover. Danny Glover. Not Donald Glover. Donald Glover enjoys watching Angels in the Outfield. And then he was in Angels in the Rest room. Angels in the Delorean.

you want to travel through time kid uh yeah isn't he what's the he's in a suburban commando yep no other movie my favorite Martian as well yeah nobody saw that one right no no no no it's him and Jeff Daniels

that's rumored to be a movie like I don't know no one has seen it no it's seen it's like a thing of legend the day the clown cried and my favorite Martian the motion picture that's right i always used to mix up my favorite martian with um that horrendous gary shandling movie what planet are you from oh my god yeah dude hail hydra him in that movie

good god oh god yeah he had like a romantic interest in everything yeah weird yeah no big time uh so this is of course your classic like 90s kid shenanigans movie where people would be going to jail left and right a la house arrest but kid power you know we got all believe in kid power it's the Nickelodeon generation man it's a smart

move though you know you get it's the summer you gotta get your kid audience because those kids will be dragging their parents and stuff and if it's PG they don't even need to drag their parents here's eight bucks go talk to you later yeah that's for your ticket like six sodas because it's 1994 I was gonna say I remember this is like the old man sounding thing but you'd go to the mall with a $5.75 for the matinee ticket

and the quarter to use the pay phone to call for a ride. Yeah. Yep, $5 bill. That's all you needed to go to the movies and procure a ride home. And if you lose that quarter, you're walking home. They used to let us walk home in those days. Right now. Before the invention of child molesters.

Right. You can't allow a kid to walk anymore. No, no, no, no. No, no more. The police get called. I've heard about this. I will say that before the invention

of child molesters is a great place to start in this movie because that's what this movie takes place right? Like obviously I think this is

the genesis of it I think but like it's before people were super worried about their kids getting molested which this situation

pre-internet so it was different this situation is so fucking creepy yeah Christopher Lloyd plays a degenerate like marginal person

who lives in a shack A marginal person. It's a trailer, actually. A trailer. By what looks like some sort of power plant, though, there's, like, smoke stacks behind it. He just got fired, like, he's got nothing going on. He's a fired high school drama teacher, I believe, is the profession. With nothing to lose.

The circumstances of his firing, we have no idea. It's never revealed. Nope. Nobody's business. Listen. Those files are sealed. So he's this guy. Jonathan Jackson's your McCulley-esque figure in this movie.

Yeah, the Mullet's a lot longer than McCulley's little bowl cut, though. And they decide to open up a summer camp and have this guy who they could just pay be like the only adult supervision. The agency of this thing. Yeah. Well, this is what I don't understand. And the fact that he's like, great idea. I want to spend the whole summer with a bunch of kids.

Well, it's great. It speaks to the inner Ted Kaczynski in this guy. Because once they get there, like, the whole thing is like, Okay, I'm going to go camp down by the lake alone. You kids have fun. So he's like, I'm going to go out even further. Yep. To the fringes of society.

Build my mail palms. Get that school back. You kids have a lot of fun this summer. I have a lot of letters to write. You know, I haven't built a bunker yet. I could get on that bunker I've always wanted to make. I'm running for president because I'm crazy. Take my flyers.

Now, I never understand this, the way. world in this movie in where each kid in a group of friends is bummed out that they're going to a different themed summer camp? In one circle of friends it's like military camp, fat camp, computer

camp, whatever camp. I didn't know a single person that went to camp. I knew what, but that's the thing is you would know what. Mud John Jackson, he would be going to the camp. All the rest of them are staying home. Yeah. Like what is the probability of all these

children going to summer camp like this. Well, that's the weird thing too about this whole movie, the world of this movie, is everybody's rich. Oh, because like thousands of dollars are being spent on summer camp. Yep. And no one's bat in an eye. And like, when the parents find out that they've been duped and lost all this

money, they're all like, oh well. Well, it would have gone to a legitimate camp anyway, and none of the kids are dead. So it's the same thing. But yeah, everybody's rich. So here comes Christopher Lloyd. He's got a good long con going on here. Oh, man. So he's like basically duping one parent group at a time by going like so it's like the kid Andrew Keegan, you know, recently seen in that cult he formed.

What is this cult? Andrew Keegan's cult? Yeah. I don't know. It's kind of like a hipster religion. Like it just kind of looks like they're not hippies. It's all just about being good to everybody, man. But they all have like the hipster hat. Like who do the hell? Satan or Christ? Andrew Keegan Yeah Andrew Keegan The son, I don't know But he's got some weird cult

So he's gonna go to like military school So Christopher Lloyd is dressed up Like this army commando And putting on the whole like Arlie Ermi routine of You know he's a drill sergeant Or you know trust me Your boy's gonna work hard at this camp

Or whatever it is Well he's got a real John Bender's situation The Breakfast Club because this dad is fucking ready to fucking hit somebody. Smoke up, Johnny. So, yeah. Well, because he does the whole thing in the scene.

He's like, Andrew Kagan is fiddling with this, I don't even know what. It looks like a Game Boy or like a Pocket Radio or something. And like, he's like, stand up, stand up when somebody's in the room. Oh, yeah. And he's like, uh, no, I don't want to.

And I'm like, man, later tonight, it's the belts. And it's in the basement. You got a real Chris Cooper dad Which is the problem You never want a Chris Cooper dad No that's true Weeping over a Nazi plate You touched it

So then our main character Whose name is mud He's gonna go to computer cam Why is he called mud It seems like Morris So it's like oh that's lame Mud's cool Okay

I guess so Maybe Dirt I'm dirt Worked for Primus, right? Yes. That's true. So his dad is the unsuccessful half of the great 80s do of Tom Hanks and Peter Scallari.

Peter Scallari. Also just shortened to Peter Scalari. Tom Hanks is B-side, you mean? Yeah. The B-side bosom buddy, Peter Scallari. And he is this like Thomas Lennon character wearing this sweater with a mustache. Who do we say it looks like? He's got the Cosby sweater. That's a big thing.

Yeah. He reminded me a little of like a Bruce McCullen character. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're totally right. And so, yeah. So then Christopher Lloyd has to put on he's like, I'm Bill Wozniak from this computer camp. Oh, no. No. And this is Jonathan Jackson's idea was

that he's the ringleader of them all, right? Yeah. Yes, he's. So, you know, whatever. Long story short. It's like he pretends he's the director of a drama camp. The director over this kind of fat camp is another one. Can we stop and talk about the fucking fat camp in this movie? Yeah, sure. Because this is ridiculous.

They're four kids. Andrew Keegan, Jonathan Jackson, and two girls, whose name I don't know because they don't do a whole bunch else. It's almost as if this is the group of friends from the end of house arrest where it's like the bully and the nerdy boy and the popular girl. They're all like now

best buds because this is all walks of life are best buds at the start of this movie. And the girl, the fourth girl, who is the fat girl, because she has to go to the fat camp, is like the skinniest girl you've ever seen. And like, they put her in, like, a

bunch of sweaters and everyone's like, stop eating. Why are you eating so much? And, like, no one, like, chastises her for being fat in the movie, except for her parents. Yes. It's a weird situation. And she is really thin. You're right. She's incredibly thin. It's a dangerous image to put on

screen. But it's a weird thing, too, because later in the movie when they fake parents day like the girl has the sweatshirt off tied around her waist and the mother's like you've lost so much weight and it's like are you really that clueless

about the physical appearance of your child that you were duped by a baggy sweatshirt honestly I just got a new wardrobe I don't know what the fuck's your problem I don't wear a BUM sweater man BUM gear that was a hot thing in the 90s everybody had some fanny packs even

yeah if you want to any kind of just put some leather on anything any kind of fabric a sweater with a little leather shoulder pants sure why not BUM equipment what the fuck who cares

I'll put leather on anything BUM equipment What leather on your sweatpants Bum can do that it was a great time to be alive Oh dude a leather Velcro wallet come on BUM made it

so we're at this camp that we rent the property from uh uh what's his name burgess meredith i almost said um the penguin no uh uh uh lloyd bridges oh wow both both gone yes jack warden throw him in yeah he's also good he's the same kind of person walter matthau yeah all right let's not fill up the pit too much let's say our respects and move along uh yeah you and burgess Meredith is great. I don't even he didn't know what this movie was. No, he read his page and was gone.

He's like, oh, what's that? Plains fly over in this scene? Okay, great. It's like a war picture. Well, I do kind of think that it was a manager's, like, the manager's like, look Birch, all you got to do is read this paragraph.

Read this paragraph. You're ready out $50,000 in your pocket. You think Burgess Meredith made $50,000 on Camp Nowhere? Maybe. More than that. Really? Yeah, he's a name, man. He made 1994. It is one scene. Yeah, I mean, maybe like

60, you're probably right, 50's fair. 50s, I think it's about 50,000. And he was like, what do I have to do? Go to wake up, Birch. Can I have my cigar in my mouth the entire time? Boy, fair. Can I be watching TV while I do it? The problem with this movie, is it never devolves

into any kind of Lord of the Fly's situation it's on the cusp it's really right there yeah it's right about to boil over I mean you should feel that but the movie doesn't make you feel that

there's no real moment where you're like these kids like something's gonna blow no consequence it's really either we should do like a new edit of the film where we like take out the soundtrack

and make it really chilling because I feel like that would help you get the soundtrack from it follows you lay it over that You're all good. So here's the other part of this. So M. M. M. at Walsh is hot on the trail.

Like, they find, Jonathan Jackson finds Christopher Lloyd in a mall. Right. Displaying spray cheese, which never happened ever. And it's a 90s. Spray cheese from like a storefront. Yes. In the mall that exclusively sells spray cheese. It's an anchovy situation.

It's like it all, like it must be a specialty food store because not only does he have this spray cheese he has a huge fish an actual fish yeah that's disgusting and he's just like playing with its mouth it's gross they loved that gag too because it's in the trailer it was on like the back of the VHS box because isn't it hilarious

he's manipulating a dead fish like a puppet I will say about spray cheese if you've noticed this takes place in Pennsylvania oh does it so maybe it's bigger numbers out there you think well near Philly they use that on their homegrown world famous cheese steaks. Oh, that's right. Tapped from

cheese trees. But he sees this degenerate, like putting on a good performance and he gets this idea and he tracks him down. He's this disgraced drama teacher living in this trailer. And right when he goes to pitch him, like,

hey man, my parents are going to give me, are going to pay three grand to send me to summer camp. Three grand. And all four of us, that's 12 grand. We'll give you one grand to live off the summer. Bing, bang, boom. That's more than you'll make, selling spreadsheets. But one grand to risk his entire life. Because one false step, but you're in jail.

Yeah, no, this is, you're in some hot soup. And we're talking to eight weeks? It's like 200 bucks a week, not even. No, no, 10 grand for that kind of heat. Yes. Yeah. Now we're talking. You kids can have two to buy your Nerf gun.

What? Video game. What, 1994, a grand, that's what, 7,000 now? I think so. Something like that. 1,500-ish. Yeah, I mean, but that's. I don't know, man.

You could do serious time for this. Oh, yeah. I mean, depending upon which way the wind blows, this is kidnapping. Yeah, exactly. And that's a big problem. Yeah, if the kids all turn on you, you're done. Exactly. I don't trust any of these kids, especially little crafty Jonathan Jackson.

Who's the engineer of this whole thing. But so he's like laying this line on Christopher Lloyd. And then M.M. at Walsh comes up and Christopher Lloyd puts on a disguise. it's fake teeth which is disgusting it's kind of like a bookman from Seinfeld like he's collect but it's actually like again kind of like larceny because

he took this gremlin from 1982 and never made payments on it right and he's a collections agent it's like oh I got one more ride before they they retire me and I want a perfect record oh man how stupid is that why do we need this type of character in this movie this is not

this is your hint of danger by the way It's the hint of danger, but it doesn't... You ever see blood, shimple? I'll blow you away in a bathroom. I don't stop coming. There is some sort of poetic beauty about the way I take a life. Francis McDormand thought she could get past me.

She was wrong. Just Emma at Walsh, like, walking through a lake and coming up the other end of it. Is he dead? Yes. That would be a great image, Steve, because then he'd go down to the lake the hat would come off and float

a little bit and then hopefully he could pick up where exactly where it is but I don't know he's not dead apologize he's only 80 years old wow still going that's great news he was on Empire Scorpion King 4

note to self watch Empire I watch like the first two or three episodes that's good so yeah I mean we're setting up this camp and it's a lot of like first we get there and it's the it's the same thing with any of these kids games like at first it's like what are we got to do with ourselves so we're like jumping off the roof onto a pile of soiled mattresses we're blasting fishbone as hard as we can absolutely which these children aren't listening to fishbone

nor should anyone uh and you know we're doing things like playing with fireworks and actually like right at the start of this whole experience is when reality does kind of set in pretty quick for these kids because our main man mud is going they're all going like down this ramp with firecrackers and whatever and jumping into the lake with them

and he's on like rollerblades and he's got like a Chinese lantern on his head and we're going down this ramp and he falls and like burns himself and breaks his wrist or whatever. Meanwhile Christopher Lloyd is carving every president's bust out of fucking marble

or whatever he's doing in this fucking shack. Separating jelly beans, by the way. Oh, right. That's one of his hobbies. Also, dancing naked to goodbye horses. That's another one. So Christopher Lloyd has to take this kid

to a doctor. And at first, they're acting like it's a mafia movie. He's like, no doctors. No doctors. I'll be fine. No doctors. Just type me to Jeremy Pivot. I'm going to fucking die, Larry. You're going to be a doctor. Are you a doctor?

Say the fucking words, Marty. You're going to be okay. So he takes him to a doctor. Yes. And it's the woman who plays like the mousy nun in the sister act movies. It was actually really good looking, but by movie standards,

she's quote unquote getable by Christopher Lloyd, which is horseshit. Yeah, that's some shitty movie math that they're doing, some Hollywood movie. I'm going to get her, Marty. Chase her through time. I'm, but I'll get her. Play your part, Monty.

Play your part. Well, that's the thing. Very quickly, he's like, oh, that's a sexy lady, Mud. You better, you know what a wingman is? And all the heat I'm doing for you for a grad, you could do me a couple of favors, is all I'm saying. Look, mud, I only have so many Churchill tapes.

You have to do something somehow. That is a weird thing. He listens to, like, CDs of Winston Churchill album? He's a legitimate mania. Oh, yeah. He's an untethered lunatic. it's true staying down by the lake in a shanty i guarantee you whatever social security card is in his wallet is not his own oh no that's what

i was saying how many identities is this guy had it's at least like five yes i think five is a safe amount of false identities john draper yeah i burned the name dennis at that school now i got start over stop asking me where i got fired from your school um So he takes him to the doctor, and now it starts the next weird layer of awkwardness in this movie, which is, now you're going to pretend to be my boy, so I can impress this woman and have sex with her. Don't worry, I haven't thought of an end game for any of this. Because that's, right? It's like they're going to fall in love. And then when the summer's over, it's like, by the way, that's not my kid.

I bet, no, I bet he has a whole play. I actually think he does have the whole thing planned out. Kill him off. Oh, he went to live with his mother. Turns out the court says, I can't see him ever again. Weird. Well, anyway, let's start our own life together, as if he never existed. I can move in, right?

Yeah, he's asking him move in with her pretty quick. Got a good Chinese place around here. Your laundry situation. In-house or am I walking? I haven't said that word in 12 years. So there's about 20 kids. Each kid gave roughly 3,000 a pop, let's say. Right.

60,000. Well, that's the other part of this. I'm sorry, we're a little all over the place today. The fifth person in the movie is the African American kid because everybody else is white except for him. Oh, big time. This is a whitewashed fucking summer camp. And he, it's exactly the scene in cocoon because he comes to the house right before they're about to leave of the summer camp. He's like, I know what you guys got going on.

I don't want to go to camp either. It sucks. And they're like, yeah, but you can't go. And he's like, why? They're like, no reason. It's a secret. He's like, you know, if you let me go, I won't tell on you, all this stuff. It's exactly that scene in cocoon.

Right. When the guy does the same thing. And then he goes and tells everybody and there's like this huge group of kids. And again, I'm sitting there like, how is it that this many kids from this town are going to camp? I just didn't grow up with this. It's so weird. So much summer camp. Well, it's in sleepaway camp specifically.

Yes, there was a lot of like go someplace for the day. Yeah. Like you met at the middle school and a bus took you somewhere. And then you came back. Yeah, it's fine. It's absolutely fine. But yeah, this like camp on Awana nonsense, you didn't see it where we come from.

No. And it's very weird. Yeah, no one in this room is part of the 1%. that's the other thing who can fucking afford it summer camp three grand a pop that's the thing so he's got a fucking

he's got a poly walnuts envelope with 60 grand in it that he's carrying around this whole movie and they're like well what are we going to do with this movie

and then Q fucking fishbone and all of this like kid crap shows up like guitars but like this is all from like hundreds of like circuit city I saw

truck loads of everything They get a 60 inch television set How are you Like you're paying for all of this In cash cash on delivery man That is fucking weird Yes I mean it was the early 90s dude

You still could kind of get away With doing stuff like that But I feel like more than one of those truckers At the end are like What just happened here? Let's compare notes A little kid gave you the money for this Right there wasn't an adult there

Yeah yeah oh and he Did he pull it out of his sock Oh, he did? Oh, okay. Just to be sure. And now, no, now, everybody, everybody. You didn't see a single adult, right? No. Oh, there was that weird lean guy down by the lake. I think he was making a person out of hair. He kept on rolling the barrel of that gun and then putting it to his temple.

I don't know what was going on there. So he's clean. Yeah, so I guess Summercamp checks out. enter Thomas Wilson A.k.a. Biff Tannan. Isn't it F. Thomas Wilson sometimes? I thought it was always Thomas F. Wilson. Thomas F. Wilson. And this means Tom Wilson.

Yeah, it's just Tom. Like, you know, after the Back to the Future movies, he decided to get a little casual with his name. Yeah. So he is like this state trooper who's on the trail of nothing. He's sleeping out of park bench. He's a country bumpkin, man. Through and through. This guy can't find anything. he's like just sitting at this fucking

like picnic table reading Ulysses and fucking eating a ham sandwich every day it doesn't seem like it does much of anything but it's one of those like he goes and sort of inspects the situation and again it's like now remember you're my boy

and it's just like okay oh we don't have any permits for camp yeah me and dad just living in these woods together and he's like well sort of looks like there's about 20 children that live on this property No, just me and my boy We're messy

Get out of here Me and my mud They get all the kids to hide up in the rafters or something Yes Yeah Which you're getting found out That's really stupid Also just fucking tell them to go out into the woods

Yeah Like why have it in the house Scatter Scatter into the forest children Go go go go go Well that's it They have a bunch of walkie talkies on this compound We need some codes

We need scatter We need to know What Fireball means And we need to know what end game is. That's when we break out the punch. But so, I mean, getting into, back to this doctor thing again, and adding to his laundry list of charges, now this is a thing where you've gone and seen a doctor, this is, you're somehow worked into the health care system.

Like, now fraud's on the table. Yeah, big time. Grand larceny, child kidnapping, fraud, you know, child endangerment is on that. kidnapping possibly depending on where it lands sure yeah you know and I'm sure there's other stuff once they finally uncover everything I assume some kind of everything

oh yeah once they get into Lloyd's like trunk that he keeps with him whatever's in there exactly also you know once they inspect the children just in general interview that you know signs of abuse right yeah

if you're malnourish if you know what I mean or if you can just skisner because there is that scene they buy beer and the beer does it does seem like it shows up at the camp like there's no intermediary so they get it back to the camp so that's a whole

fucking just litany of drunk kids the weird thing is that's the thing these kids are all obviously because it's a movie like super squeaky clean they're like bad but they're Zach Morris bad they're also all talented in some way that's a big

thing you get 20 real kids on a camp Without adult supervision, real shit's going down. Oh, yeah. Kids are drinking, kids are smoking. Broken bones, right or left. It's everybody's like 13-ish shit could happen. Eighth, ninth grade.

Yeah, this is, things are happening. Middle school dance shit. Yep. Yeah, exactly. On mass. Yep, that's the problem. Middle school dance stuff could be happening. Look out.

Totally, dude. Look out. We're like dancing two feet apart to Jewel one second and then you're under the bleachers the next second. That's all I'm saying. Then you break a bone. Then they close the bleachers on you and all your bones are broken. So Thomas Wilson's an idiot.

Oh, actually, after the beer, Andrew Kagan's the bad boy. Oh, right. Because he wears a leather jacket sometimes and other. And he's got the mean dad, so it makes him the bad boy. Yeah, because again, he's Bender, you know. And he's buying beer. I don't think they do get the beer back to camp. Or maybe they do.

You don't see them drink it, but Christopher Lloyd certainly helps them buy it. Yeah, they get out of the store with it. They buy it. It's in the car. I don't know what's going on with this. I mean, someone's drinking that beer. That's the thing, right? It's like, we might not like it and we might not finish our whole can or whatever.

People are getting into that beer because it's real kids being alone with no adult supervision. Or cracking it open. Is Christopher Lloyd doing a thing where he's going to drink all like? 15 bottles or something. Oh, that could be. Just to show you kids. But he's like a dangerous of alcohol. He's a weird like sort of homeless booze

hound. They never show him drinking either. Well, that's... Someone drank that beer. Well, that's the thing that this movie, right, is he also like barely gets a relationship going with this woman. Yeah. Like, they do things like sit out on a log under the stars and talk nice to each other.

And at the end of the movie, like, are driving off somewhere together. I think they're driving to a PG-13 movie so they can sleep with each other. Because, like, at no point do they kiss, they're not like hugging or anything. She's down with the whole, like, child kidnapping. Oh, yeah, she's totally cool with. When she finds out

the score, she's just like, you know you're going to get busted, right? He's like, don't worry, baby. I won't go down for nobody. You'll write me letters, right? You see that bridge over there? It's rigged to blow. No one gets in, no one gets out.

We can laugh. We've got enough provisions the last two years he's i have the new beginning what nothing meet me in son want to nail long live the new flesh mud mud do you hear me long live the new flesh is that your camp director mud yeah dad that's my camp my computer camp director oh he's kooky he's a real kook so It's this whole thing now where, like, the parents are starting to make phone calls. Like, we sure would love to be able to visit our kids once this summer. That, how do you let your kid go to a summer camp?

Because they all get, like, bilked, right? They get, Christopher Ludd comes in, a puff of smoke, says a bunch of bullshit, and then they give him three grand. They all get picked up in, like, the same school bus. Yes, yes. At no point, like, we don't see. An unmarked school bus, by the way. And we don't see any. Like, bye, have a great summer.

Like, the parents aren't even present when these kids get picked up. Like, you stand out on the sidewalk and wait for that camp to come get you. Hey, did that school bus have any license plates? Not that I remember. Look like all those windows were spray painted over. Well, gosh, that's weird, mother. Said Manson forever on the side. Who do you think would do something like that?

Oh, don't mind the blood I hit a deer on the way over here. Yeah, yeah, hit a deer and it got right in the bus, got all over the floor in the bus. Had to hack it off with this butcher knife. It's all above board. I mean, what number can we reach you at? I don't know. I mean, call this post office. So somehow, like...

Well, they end up setting up, like, all different phone lines in this case. cabin oh that's right like message machines for each supposed camp military camp fat camp computer camp drama camp dumb kid camp the whole gamut the dumb kid camp is funny because they don't come yeah the parents don't come for the dumb kids oh yeah why would they all the plebs so we're getting all these phone calls and like you have to imagine like if you're trying to set up this scheme it's not like locking your parents in the basement. Like, this is multiple, multiple, multiple families involved.

There's a lot of high money involved. Like, people are going to be checking up on this investment. The thing is, good thing is Jonathan Jackson's got all the answers. He pulls him out of that little mullet he's got. I mean, the scheme has costume changes in everything. Well, so it basically comes down to, you know, all these parents are calling. Like, isn't there a parents' day? We thought we'd come for a visit.

and they announce like, oh, okay, we're going to have, this is the dumbest idea ever. We're going to have all of the parents' days for each camp on the same day. Yeah, yeah. And rotate kids' parents, like, through, you know, different styles of camp in one day. You're right. It doesn't make sense. Why not do it? Take a week every day is a different day.

You come Monday, you come Tuesday, you come Saturday. But done. That's not a challenge. That's not quite dangerous enough. Doesn't get my blood going, baby. I need a thrill, mud. Mud, you got to come up with a scam that makes me tingle. Oh, remember that scam we did back when you were 13?

Because now these guys are two, they're both on the road at this point. Oh, absolutely. When you came to me and said, 20 kids alone in the forest with me, that got me going. I said, wow, that's a risk. Making 20 families into Roobes in one day. It can be done, mud. Nobody believes me, but I'd go down in Gryfton legend. I do kind of love the idea that he actually,

they actually paid him like, they wanted to give him like 20 grand, and he piled it like the Joker, and just took a thousand out and set it on fire. I want to watch the world burn, mud. Watch it, burn, mud. Dynamite is cheap mud. You got to learn mud that this stuff is meaningless.

oh man so yeah that's the thing is yeah and now we're getting into full on home alone mode where yep well it's the 90s and we're precocious kids so the idea is all these all these parents are going to come at once we're going to schedule it by hour i guess and there's a bunch of like fun little costume changes and signs that switch around and like little explosives that they procure from somewhere yeah i mean it's what they ordered from that catalog of mystery Jeff. Right. They were setting off fireworks earlier. Yeah, they bought fire, because that's how Mud almost set himself

on fire. Right. During that dock stunt. You want fireworks? Mud, I can get your fireworks. Homemade. Mud, you know, I make my own cocaine. How does that tickle you and your friends? Oh, no, that's the thing. It's all like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool summer camp. I can grow weed down here. You know, it's just like,

yeah, fine. Just don't go down. Don't go down past that creek. You kids don't get to walk past Beyond Jerry's cabin. I don't know, Mud. This looks like a pretty good setup. I might just stay here. I could ride this one out.

A summer camp cover. Hey, Mud, you got any extra fluorescent light bulbs? I can borrow from your fake summer camp. Mud, some of it's missing. Some kids from the town have been going through my weed. And use this. He ends him a gun. We're now at war with the town.

Do you know what happens when the Libyans find out I'm light? The Libyans! Mott, I'm going to need you to take the sheriff's station. I'll be coming around back with the AK-47. Here, watch Rambo. Just do it like he does it. Maude, I have to assure you your life will never be the same after tonight. We're going to take this town under siege.

There's a dam, not too far from here. We're going to break it down. We're going to drown that sheriff's station. That fat pig will drown tonight. See you later, Beth. I've harvested the weed mud. We can let them all drown. So, yeah, in the middle of the...

So they're all getting ready. They're home alone and at this, around this time, the woman finds out, the doctor finds out that he's been scamming these parents. Yeah, she's right. She's got this like, I love you, but I'm mad at you thing. Like, no way, you've been on like two dates and likely haven't slept with this guy. You're like, ew, and call the police.

Well, this scene drives me a little crazy because she's like on a, like, it's clear like she was just on her way somewhere. Yeah. And she happened to look out the right side of her car and saw madness going on at this abandoned camp. And she's like, yeah, of course I'm going to, like, why wouldn't anybody else be like, the fuck is going on down there she's a pediatrician too right so like that's all the reason in the world to call the police she knows when kids are in danger they're going ape shit all over that yard it's one of those like party down moments for movies like this where like there's someone on a water slide someone on the roof everybody's jumping off the roof jumping off dirty ass

mattresses another way you can tell when kids are out of control of movies like this is when you're playing guitar outside that's when like the guitar and the amp were set up outside also possibly on a roof and you're just playing it really loud there's obviously not a parent around when there's a spear propped up with a pig's head through it also that yeah it's weird but yeah it's just like oh christopher lloyd what are you up to she's like piss she's like i'm not your girlfriend anymore bye and it's like no no no you call the police yeah exactly right and even if you're not going to call the police you're like you're ending whatever this is Yes. You're like, we're bringing these kids home right now. This is shutting down. Yeah, you're a nice enough guy. I guess you're not dangerous, but we are driving all these kids back immediately.

But instead, like, that happens. Nothing comes of it. And then there's even a later scene where Christopher Lloyd's taking them for a checkup. By the way, in case you're wondering, that makes you an accomplice. Yep. Oh, yeah. Knowing that this is going on and being in a position to stop it. Accomplice.

One of those kids dies, which is incredibly likely, by the way. Yes. All you need is one diabetic kid that everyone feels forgets about and then you're fucked so maybe he is pulling a bill paxton in true lies where he's like oh she wants a thrill give her a thrill and he's just building up this life that she can have as his his criminal accomplice on the run down to mexico city so when arnold finally confronts him at this camp he's just going to wet himself well yeah and i guess in this case Arnold Schwarzenegger is b-side that's what i'm going to call him i don't know yeah yeah it's peter skil

But he is B-Skalari. He's the eternal B-side. So, by the way, back again, about this beer situation. So it's like, now is when the cracks in this camp are starting to show just a little bit. Because, like, everyone's getting a little too comfortable. We're going into town on our own. Yep. Making our presence known kind of a thing. And this is, so they're buying beer. And Andrew Kagan, like, shows this ID and this teenager's like, you're trying to tell me you were born in 1916.

69 you know that kind of thing but then here again another opportunity for the police to get involved because this manager is like you know it's a it's an arrestable offense like using a fake idea in the state you know listen call sheriff whatever this is getting settled right now and he's like oh no the excuses I'm buying it for my dad who can't buy it himself because of his bum leg And then it's Christopher Lloyd just standing six feet away in the store reading magazines. And it's like, you know, he comes over like, oh, beer, huh? And you can tell it's a thing where he's mad at the kids. Oh, yeah.

But that's the thing. He gets him through it. If I'm Christopher Lloyd, I'm like, who are these kids? Never seen him before, officer. And just leaving. Gets in the car and drives to Mexico. You grabbed the little one with all the money. Oh, this one's my boy.

We're going to be gone. Yeah. But you cannot. You're right. that kid gets nabbed by the cops. You've got to sever all ties and get the fuck out of it. Well, no, this is how you do it out.

This is how you grifted them right. Is when that happens, you get mud till you like get him close. Like, look, I can get you out of this, but he'd like the rest of that money. Oh, yeah. And then he gives you the money and you turn around. I don't know who these people are.

Bye. I mean, this one, I mean, I, you know, he's, I've seen him around. It's a small town. I think these kids are coming in from that camp up on the hill. You should check it out. Seems pretty dangerous. Might want to bring in the FBI. Then I want a sequel when they're like in their 20s hunting Christopher Lloyd in like the jungles of Costa Rica where he's living.

A less upsetting sleepers. A much less upsetting sleepers. Thankfully. I'm going to say that's like the hunted. He's just hanging out in the woods all the time. That movie's kind of a snooze. Oh, it's terrible. The even worse one though, what's the, it's a similar movie with Willem Defoe.

Oh, the clearing? Oh, no, I know what you're talking about. The Hunter? Oh, the Hunter. Yes. Whatever. Another just put you right down for a nap. That's a father's day movie that everyone walks out on.

I haven't seen it yet, but honestly, I'm kind of intrigued. It's somehow like that movie with George Clooney, the American, but more boring. I like the American. So did I, but it's more boring than that movie is. Fair enough. But with Willem Defoe and there's like, Snowman. snow on the ground um so yeah we got our home alone parents day set up right oh yes first things first military dad comes in and here's the problem with all this stuff i think the idea is the script that

they have is set up a situation where we tell them that they're much they're much later than they actually are um create some sort of diversion that makes it seem that they have to leave immediately right as opposed to just like again you do this in five days you kind of set it up where you know It's a fine little summer camp. Okay, bye. Yeah, well, I think the idea is, like, if you do that, then, like, the cracks will start showing more if these parents can, like, hang around the military camp too long. Yeah, yeah.

You know, because maybe the other kids wouldn't fit into that idea of the camp. Fat kids, you mean? Yeah, like that fat girl. Oh, my God. There is a seed. Oh, this is where, like, they start, her and mud start having a relationship. Or floating one, yeah. They're like kid flirting, right?

And they're both, he gets made fun of her something because he's a little weenie. He's like really, really short. And she goes into comfort him and she's like, you know, one, he's like, oh, everybody hates my guts. And she's like, whoa, whoa, relax. That might be true, but. And he's like, yeah, you know. She's like, you know, everybody likes you. And girls think you're really, really attractive, you know, kind of trying to get that girl.

Yeah. Angle that shit. And then he turns around and he's like, yeah, you know, once I'm, once I'm older and I get that growth spirit, I'm totally going to be cool and date really cool people. And once you're older and you're not quite so lumpy, you'll get a good boyfriend. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck just happened in this movie? It's insane. And he's not joking around here, folks. No, he's being dead serious and thinks he's being, like, encouraging and sweet.

Yeah. And it's fucking crazy that this little stick is being called. lumpy. I mean, that anyone is being called lumpy, but this is so fucking stupid. It's both, it's maddening because of what they're doing to this girl and crazy because it's incredibly not accurate.

Yeah. Yeah, but, and she just like takes it all like, oh, maybe you're right, mud. Yeah, like you're sweet and cute and I like you as opposed to being like, my whole life is ruined. You're like, fuck that kid. More, more accurately,

fuck that kid in this stupid mullet. Hey, maybe one day you won't have a mullet and someone will want to fucking kiss you ass face. Maybe somebody will give you an haircut one day. Yeah, exactly. Oh, geez, guys. Speaking and needing a haircut, our good friend from House Arrest, Mookie Arizona is in this movie. He shows up. But it's just like, it's one of two, he's the way less of this, but notable background actors.

Yep. Because he's no one who was in house arrest. But then also in the background of this movie used for. carrying things sexy dancing and kissing a boy in the credits is jessica alba real weird real real real weird not a line of dialogue for her she looks like she's much older than every other person in this movie she does look older yeah featured extra uh also somebody who has lines alison mac from 88 seasons of small villas in this movie now who did she play in smallville she was like the willow esk character the computer whiz oh i see

that nobody gave that shows up I never saw a minute of it and I saw like I saw a couple episodes and one the dad from uh the dad from growing pains gets fire powers oh it's the dad from the wonder years from wonder years yes yes yes whoa dame loria gets firepower

yes he does whoa whoa I got to watch this now I actually a pretty good episode under what circumstances like he's a crooked football coach and something something he gets so angry one day and he just burst out into play Are you shitting me?

Well there's like it's kind of At least the first season of that show It's a little bit twin peaksy Like the idea that the comet comes The Clark's on affects the town And people get powers kind of Oh I see Oh that's kind of an interesting thing

Yeah it goes nowhere He But he gets fire powers And he's like my boys aren't doing the right thing and he like starts lighting them on fire by accident and then on purpose oh my god that sounds pretty good

it's a pretty okay episode of television the only thing I really knew about that show was the dude from a sorority boys plays Lex Luther Michael Rosenbaum right yeah that's right that's his name that is his name so what's going on in Camp Nowhere so we're inviting the parents

this is what we keep circling around this the military dad comes first and you know as a is just showing a nice military camp. It's like, it's war games, dad, and, like, Andrew Kagan's taking him through the mud, and, like, this is when it's at its most home alone, because they've set a bunch of traps for him.

Yeah. Which are bags of flour on rope that keep hitting him in the face, and every time, it happens like four times. Just like in the military. Every time this bag explodes on him, a different blonde-haired kid comes out. I'm not kidding, goes, yes. There's like four different kids

That do this And the only way you can tell them apart Is like one has a bowl cut One's got a mullet The other one's got a rat tail But they're all shitty blonde white kids Yesing And like putting their elbow in like yes

Oh god it's sickening Also much like the real military You've got pre-recorded gunfire going on And when that happens you know to get down And there's fireworks everywhere And this dad's just like shit in his pants You know Do we say we got chased into that hole?

Yeah he gets he gets chased into a foxhole Yeah and it's all muddy It's gross And Andrew Keegan is just like All right stay here till I come get you I have to pretend that this is six other Different summer camps until I come back But that's what's the weirdest thing is like

Almost every other one has like Several fucking parents and several kids Yes This just seems like Keegan and his dad like hegan was the only kid who was going to military well he was the bad kid that's why yeah and so that they had to make a whole camp part for him one guy yep that's how much of an inconvenience he is to these people yeah and like he's also like weirdly getting off on torturing his own father because he's like oh it's lunchtime look at my dad some fucking food liverwurst he hates that oh also let me

rub dirt into it here maggot eat your food it's not bad enough You're giving your father a liver-versed sandwich, dude. You're going to then, before he eats it, go hang on, and throw dirt in it? That's right. Come on, he hates his father. In a bad way, in a violent way, I would say. Which is weird, though, because, like, a few minutes before this, you see his emotional side when this, like, shy girls all freaking out to be away from home or whatever.

And he's like, I'll make you a necklace. Yeah. Then everyone here can have necklaces I make them, and I'll have control over. you, like a cult leader. Dude, this kid is going to usurp mud and become Christopher Lloyd's lieutenant in the revolution. But that's what you

need. You need someone with an energetic personality. Someone will draw people to him. Someone who's not afraid to take a life if I tell them to. Charisma and stupidity is a great mix.

Mud, you're more of the Trotsky of the group. then they kill mud with ice picks that's what they would do if he was Trotsky so then we've got to live with kid farm not animal farm I would love to watch a movie called

Kid Farm I don't even know what it's about so then it's like acting camp yes everyone pretending to put on a production of Annie and like the idea is like oh it's the last big musical number of tomorrow and like the parents there's a bunch of dummies in the audience so it's like oh the audience is all filled up yeah you could view it from the side kind of a thing well the whole scam is to make it look like it's right at the end of parents day they've all been like they've been telling

the parents to show up at one time and then it's like oh no the camp started hours earlier i guess there was a mix up oh the stupid kids gave you the wrong time sorry sorry about that and i mean like every parent, like, and especially like after a play, they're all like, oh, you did so great. And like, oh, mom, we have to go do something else. Go in this other room for like an hour. Every parent is like, no, we're going. Either A, we're going out to lunch, I'm going to take you out to lunch,

or B, we're going to the mess hall. I'm going to eat. Or I want to see where your room is. Yeah, we drove three hours. Yeah, and we've been here for 15 minutes. Bullshit. I don't care what your bullshit clock says. I'm getting some fucking kid time. Because I've made three grand for this place.

By the why. And on the drive here, I had to eat at Hardee's. Oh, that's worse than death. But no one acknowledges this at all. It's like, well, all fine. I'm getting ushered back to the car now. Whatever you say, kids who rule this camp. See you in three weeks.

At least like some of them want to leave really early or something like that. Eventually this military dad is like, I will see you when I see you. And some of them That mother man This is where the mother's like Oh you're not wearing a sweater You're not fat anymore She's like oh my god

You look so great And instead of being like fuck you She's like Thanks thank you so much ma This is this is really great Oh God I'm sure Sure don't wish you were dead right now Sure wish you were yeah

Just by saying this this once The damage isn't done Thanks for nothing Yeah I'm fine now by the way all that abuse before no yeah that was fine so at some point i don't recall how this is happening but like biff and m emmett walsh wind up teaming up well m m walsh is on the trail of fucking christopher lloyd for like 33 grand or something like that right and he's just going town to town he goes to the cheesbiz factory he finds a postcard of the summer camp so he's

going around he's like hey did anybody see a lemon gremlin and uh of course uh Thomas Wilson's like, oh, that's that guy. Let's go combine forces and unleash hell. Oh, that sounds like a good idea. Say, you got any silenced pistols? No need to announce our presence without everyone knowing about it. This is my last case before I retire, and go down in flames, do I?

You know, I got this rope in the back of the car. It could tie up quite a few people. Quite a few people and put them in the lake. You know, little kids don't take that much rope to tie up, you know. Spread the wealth with this rope. It would be a real fun thing for me. You know, I watched a movie called Dick Tracy recently. You get some cement and you can just put them right in the lake.

This is really like a, you need a madman to hunt a madman? Yes, exactly. He's got to know how to think like him. You're absolutely right. Tommy Lee Jones. It's fucking Tommy Lee Jones and Richard Kimball. I was thinking, have you ever hunted Christopher Lloyd? Is he bad?

Oh, bad like what? Like boobonic plagues. He's killed hundreds, thousands of people, but that ain't nothing. So they're like, I guess, just going to go and bust this place is the deal. Because the parents' day is a success. Yeah, the last one is computer camp where their ruse here is like, Oh, man, this is the dumbest shit. Christopher Lloyd brings him into a room with like five computers from 1986,

and he's like, top of the line, buddy. And he's like, we've got 71 units here, and it's like six. And he's like, yeah, in all sorts of different rooms, you're not going to be able to see. We're doing a little exercise with the U.S. government. And they're like hacking into national defense secrets. Yeah, we're getting launch codes. Well, we get like a map with death con on it and like,

scramble the jets, boys. Don't mind that this doesn't have doors, just curtains. Like most computer cabs, it's mostly curtains. By curtains, I mean, just a bunch of bed sheets held up with clothespins. I'm going to say clean. I don't mean clean. So they're like, oh, my God, you, mom, dad, see you later. They're all on their way out.

They run into M.M. It's Peter Scolari and his wife. Yes. By the way, a nice little cameo by one Jonathan Frakes in this movie. Oh, right. he's the dad of like the popular girl who's going to be an actor and he comes in as like this aristocratic so-and-so he's got that riker beard i mean he looks like he's about to order a mint julep like it's a little john hammond yeah little colonel sanders down to allans and uh get some guys off yeah the wind is moving right through those pants it's a

comfortable pair of pants but yeah so that's a good cameo but then so yeah they run to M. M. M. at Walsh and Biff and they're just like, we just came from computer camp and I think they started World War 3. And M.M. at Walsh was polishing the silencer just like no, no, no. These are some bad people back up at that

mountain. You better get out of here. It's going to be a bloodbath. You see a yellow gremlin up there? Good. I don't mind killing straights, but I don't like to do it if I have to. I like everyone involved.

everyone's hands are dirty So they go up there And like It's a weird We're going to pull back this curtain And all these kids are huddled In the corner of this room Celebrating by quietly sipping

Diet Cherry Coke With Christopher Lloyd too Like give me one of those Also why not like I know you're all dumb kids But like Why not wait until the cars of left? What the fuck is wrong with you? Well, just like any 90s kid schemer, Chris Cabin,

the hubris is such that they're just by the time this like big mission is finished, instantly we're celebrating. I suppose, yeah. But Lloyd is smart because he sees M.M. at Walsh and Tom Wilson and immediately ducts down. Oh, yeah. And then when the police swarm the place, no one can find hide nor hair of Christopher Lloyd. Long gone. I mean, it's the scumbag move, but it's the moose. that was planned from the beginning

of it all. You know, mud, the best trick the devil ever pulled. It's convincing the world he didn't exist. And he's gone in the winds. Best trick I ever pulled was creating a safety latch at that door. Doesn't open all the way,

but I can get out through the bottom. Second best trick I ever pulled was shooting my own foot off a nap. I was home in a week. That's, the real the thing is, like the real thing, the blessing here is that he's trying to disappear instead of being

like a blaze of glory. Because that's the other way this could have gone. Oh, absolutely. Like there's tear gas involved. There's a structure fire. I bet he would have certain buildings rigged the blow. Oh, yeah, like Uncle Duve. Oh, yeah, exactly.

He's got his finger on the button with these kids at all time. Yeah. Oh, what did you say there, Maud? Oh, a problem you can't get over, huh? Is anyone going to talk? No, okay. I'll put this detonator away. but but you know so everyone's like what in the world was going on here and they're like oh it's a stupid little kid summer camp but it was really dangerous and like well that's just silly who's the bad adult and they they some stupid kid rats out Christopher Lloyd and they're like oh he's got a shack not too far from here and mud runs out and Christopher Lloyd's like 10 steps ahead of him he's packing up this gremlin ready to go oh man he's getting everything that's not nailed down and he's putting it the back of this car What's that, Mud, who talked? That number one on my list.

Mud, I need you to bring me his tongue. Here's a Bowie Knife. I mean, he is putting all these boxes in the back of his car as fast as his little legs will take him. But that's the thing is the last thing I got to do before I blow this town is to settle up with mud. It's got all that money. And he has time to, like, sit down on the steps. You know, Maude, in your life you've got to find, you have a crush on a girl or two.

And he's like putting his arm around and, like, don't worry, I have time for this. Yeah, exactly. Dude, you're going to fucking the chair. Yeah. Your voice will be dropping. You'll find hair in places you didn't think they'd be. By the way, Maude, I overheard what you said to that pretty young girl. You're a horrible, horrible boy.

She should never talk to you again. Have you ever heard the term rail thin? That's what that girl is. He starts to smack And the kid around for that But So he's like Oh, you know

What you need to do Because Mud's like Oh man I'm going to be so much trouble And he's like Yeah, I know Mud What you should do In this situation is

Hide out the woods For a couple hours Everyone I think You ran away Then when you come back They'll be so glad to see you They'll forget about The other troubles

And like He's like That's a great idea Like Christopher Lloyd He's being dead serious With this advice Hey Mud Put that gun

to my head and flip a coin, see what happens. He adds him a copy of the milk and honey root. You know, Maud, I'd be willing to help you find a homeless man that looks enough like you. Dress him up with your clothes, Mudd, and throw him off a waterfall. Nobody has dental records of a little kid, Bud. And he just goes to take off, and somehow, like, mud is doing the hiding in the woods thing, by the way.

He's just, like, sitting on this log. and our magical pediatrician comes out of nowhere back into the movie and she's like, what are you doing out here? And he's like, oh, you know, just sitting around. Actually, truth is the jig is up and we're all possibly going to jail. And I'm hiding out out here. And she's like, yeah, I heard. She's a pretty good idea, but you should probably go back.

And like, planting that idea in a kid's head is a really dangerous thing. Also. What Christopher Lloyd did. Right. Well, no, but I mean, what this movie is doing. Yeah, that's what I'm about to say. go hide out in the woods you know run away for six hours

tell the whole audience of kids that are watching this movie that that's a good idea because at no point is he ever like you know what you're right pretending to run away was a bad idea yeah because I could have gotten it worked out it kind of did it did work out I mean

at the end of the day no one's losing their life in this movie which is very shocking so she's like well you better go back and eat shit I guess I'll see you around and he goes back to the camp like ready to turn himself in or whatever

and there is Christopher Lloyd like yeah I kidnapped him and yeah I took all your money all of your money and Bill's money what about my money? Oh it's a Fred's house didn't take your money left that with Fred but he's going he's admitting to all of these things

like just ready to get the chair well he knows that if the best movie is to go away in handcuffs with Tom Wilson. Because if M.M. at Walsh gets him, forget about it. Oh, yeah. They're pulling over for gas. And he's never being seen again. All over a matter of $33,000 for this car.

No, no, it's $3,000. Oh, was it $3,000? Yeah, it's that little. Because, like, he never, whatever it is, like he never made the monthly payments. Any payments on this gremlin that he bought. Hey, pay for that gremlin. I watched that again the other day. Hulk Hogan yelling at Gremlin

Oh yeah Hey Gremlins These people want hot popcorn Cold sodas And no gremlins in the projection booth That's nothing to do with anything No but it's appreciative So then mud is just like

No no no no no no innocent drifter Yeah You know we won't let you die for our sins Which also he definitely has a plan C in the back of that gremlin Because you see him pack an already packed bindle Yes he does so he's ready to lose that gremlin at some point oh yeah life on the rails and if that fails i'm sure he's got a bazooka in there i mean he's gonna drive the gremlin two towns out and then walk it into a river

so mud explains everything and it's one of those magic movie things where it's like well this 14 year old boy explained it to us so no charges sorry police department no one's Yeah, Tomlis, like, everyone dropped the charges. Like, no, no, no, we're all going to the station and figuring this out. But before Mud, I mean, yeah, before Mud even, like, chimes in here, Christopher Lloyd was actually telling everyone in the police that, like, he was running a cult. Yes, he does. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The first steps toward a good cult. Like, you need to, he's like, I had things that they wanted to hear, and they wanted to hear me say them or whatever. I'm sorry, even if Mud does a heartfelt speech to examine. Zonner, H. You're going downtown. We're going to have a little talk about it. I want to hear the rest of this talk you have here. So, yeah, tell us about

your cults more. Yeah, what's with this cult? What were you planning on doing? Kidnapping even more kids? How many bathtubs of Kool-Aid did you have? Fucking Martha Marcy May, Marlene dude. Always. Always and forever. Or the sacrament. Great movie.

Ish. Yeah, I would put an ish at the end of that. Yeah. Better or worse, if it's not found. footage. Better. Better. Better, right? Better. Better would be if the cult leader did anything in that movie. Like, they set him up as this like malevolent force and then he just kind of kills himself. Yeah, but that's the nature of those people. The second you're called out on something. He realizes his time's up. Yeah. But you want some creepy moments.

Well, I mean, that speech he gives to A.J. Bowen, like, during that interviews. Yeah. Oh, no, that's what I mean. After that scene, I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. And then the movie just going to get it. Yeah. So anyway, that doesn't happen here. to this camp. Surprisingly. But yeah, and it's another thing too where like the parents are just like, oh, well, why didn't you tell us

you didn't want to go to this camp or whatever? Not like, where the fuck is my $3,000? I'm going to choke that money out of you, kid. You're just by the next four summers working this off. Yes. This bullshit off. Oh, and as for you, Christopher Lloyd, you get to get in this like nice 1950s

convertible. From where? I think it's his girlfriend. Yeah, it's got to be the, the doctors. It's got to be because like a gremlin is not a sexy car to drive off into the sunset with. Well it's him it's him that he's driving.

Yes. Her car, which is bullshit. She's in the passenger seat and... Move over, baby. I'm a man. And in the backseat is Andrew Keegan and his girlfriend. What are you what creepy double date are you going on? Hey, Ma! Just so you know where we are, we're going to drive

up to make Outridge. Me, a 50-year-old man, them, 13, maybe. And we're playing swaps. Maud, I can lie to you and tell you we're going to the drive-in, but we're not going to the drive-in, mud. They don't show the movies like they used to, so we're not going. Oh, going to fuck palace. You know, this little place, mud, outside of town. It's actually a nice beach.

Castro called Fuck Palace. Lovely girls, mud. Nice salad bar. I mean, whatever. But it's, they drive off into the sunset. Kagan and his girlfriend get out. And, like, they start making out. There's a lot of, like, pre-teen and teen kids make it out in this movie.

Towards the end, like, there's, like, four of them at the end. Oh, my God. The end of this movie's, like, Caligula. Oh. Sligula. that's what the... Dude, the last week into summer camp, right?

Well, I mean, that's the thing. That's a little kid colligula. I mean, as we know, in Wet Hot American Summer, that's Nick Jr.'s Caligula. Like, it's like watching the cast of all that makeout with each other. It's just not anything anyone wants to see. No one's getting slimed while the making out is happening at least.

No. Because someone's getting slimed in this movie somewhere. Is there sliming? in this movie? No, no sliming. You mean gack? Oh, yeah, gag, excuse me. No, there's no gack either. There should have been some sort of like, ew, a goop bomber. M. Emmett Walsh or whatever should have gotten a little

gag attack. Well, that's the other thing is the They pay him off, right? The kid comes up and he's like, hey, scumbag, how much does Christopher Lloyd owe you? And he's like, well, that you have three grand or whatever it is. He like, pulls it out of his sock and throws it out of him. This should do it, you piece of shit.

But the devil. The devil told me to get his soul as well. This is good for me, but the boatman at the river sticks will need a little bit more. Our lord and master is going to need a little something. Your foot should do, mud. Oh, man. He just takes it. And there's a weird thing where he goes, oh, this pile of money is a little short.

Yeah, he's like, oh, you're short, little kid. Yeah, you're short. Then this kid goes, yeah, well, you're a little fat, so deal with it. Man, I haven't always gets fucking told where to go at the end of this movie. And it's nowhere good. I know I was a terrifying bounty hunter for most of this movie, but that really hurt. I never hurt anybody, really. I'll take my less than $3,000 and go home.

I've been called Ample before, but never fat. Hey, little kid, why you get off on cold people fat so much? Your girlfriend, then me? You got a real problem. Takes a lot of balls coming from someone with a haircut like that, kid. So speaking of Lumpy, he makes that with her next. Because she's finally thin enough for this piece of shit. But it's weird, this exchange that happens because, like,

and this is like classic stupid T. stuff, right? Like, Andrew Kagan's making out with this girl and it's like, see you later, baby, I'm going to go polish my leather jacket. Like, he walks away. And then she turns to Mud, and they have this exchange that's like,

wow, thanks, Mud, you gave me the best summer ever. You're totally a cool guy. And I don't know. Maybe if we were at different points in our lives or whatever, crazy this life of ours. See you around, Mud. And then, like, she turns and walks away. And this kid clearly is

like checking out her ass just like yep and then from there turns and this other girl walks up and seconds later they're making out it's weird and it's like they made it they had made a pact like if we're not dating anybody in 50 years like we'll date each other

or whatever it is not 50 years if we get to high school and we're not seeing anybody like I guess we'll suck it up and date each other and he's like yeah maybe you won't look like human garbage by then but then she's just like Okay, you think I look like human garbage?

And then he's just like, but maybe not. You're not wearing that sweater anymore. And they just start making out all over again. And this, we're filming these kids just making out. Weird, wild stuff at the end of camp nowhere. Weird, wacky wild stuff. Like Christopher Lloyd's not even making out with that X-None. I don't think he kisses her once, honestly.

No, he's totally... That was in her contract, by the way. No thanks. That lettrous creep has to get away from me. And that's, I mean, it's pretty much it. I don't think there's any like, or there is some mention about like something, something next summer. Yeah, there's that. And Peter Scalar is like, you're going to be grounded until you're 30.

But I guess I've learned my lesson as your dad now that I'm three grand lighter. Right. Always investigate the camps you're sending your kids to. That's the lesson of the film. And when, you know, an unmarked school. bus pulls up early in the morning in front of your house and just picks up your kid. Make sure Freddie Krueger's not driving. That's all I'm saying. An unmarked school bus picks up your kid. The destination

is an unmarked grave. I mean, I don't think you're wrong. Oh, I think that's exactly. It's a one-way ticket. I mean, that's, I honestly, I think, collectively, all those parents are just like, you know what? Turns out none of us looked into any of this. We had this traveling snake oil salesman coming to our house and was at different points dressed up like an army man, like Richard Simmons, like a computer nerd,

and we all fell for it. So it's on us. I'm sorry, at least one parent is pressing charges. Yes, yes. The military dad. The military dad. Or Peter Scolari.

I mean, they're like the most protective. Yes. And that's just, I mean, that's it. Christopher Lloyd runs off into the sun. that with this pediatrician no one's doing time the police aren't asking a single thing well actually he probably has at least one big uh witness on his side because lumpy's mother yeah was so impressed with how he made her fat fucking daughter skinny that she's probably like oh no that man's great

let him keep doing what he's yeah you're right oh yeah she's the one that's standing up for christopher lloyd in court bullshit they should all go rot Would anybody recommend this movie? No, it's the worst kind of kid power. I mean, I guess it's kind of fun, it's breezy, it's kind of crazy. It's a quick like 80-some-odd minutes. It's a light recommend. I would actually, yeah, light recommended.

I had, you know, the thing is we started, we actually, this is one of the rare movies we actually watched together. Yeah, first time in a long time. Yeah, and I was convinced I had never seen this movie before until they like the end when they're doing the camp switcharoos oh then you realize like oh i have seen this and uh you know it's kind of fun it's not good by any stretch but you know it's just dumb it's dumb fun i mean i have to i watch this movie a bunch when i was a kid so i think that i have to kind of allow it it's due um it's not good as eric said but you know it's fine it's quick

yeah i'd kind of recommend this as a sitting around um you know if If it's raining outside in the summer, watch camp nowhere. If you're a fat kid, summer, pray for rain. There you go. They do have that rainy day scene that everyone's bummed the fuck out. It rains once during their summer here and everybody's ready to commit suicide. I mean, I would, I guess I didn't go to summer camp, so I wouldn't have gone anyway. But like, I'm there.

I'm the kid that's hog in the Super Nintendo the whole time. That's the one thing that's weird is you don't see anybody playing video games in this movie. movie. You do see a Nintendo at one point. Yeah, like, do you? The twins are doing it, but they're like hacking into something. They're like setting up the computer camp and someone has a Nintendo there. Yeah. Oh, but no one's like sitting around like, let's play Donkey Kong.

Oh, they watch 90210 101 on a tiny television at something. Oh, that's right, because like the actress girl says like she never misses an episode or something. Yeah. Whatever. Again, whatever. She also, in her like, come to parents' day to the drama camp letters, she says that

she got cast in a movie being directed by Steven Spielberg's niece or something? And the parents are like, well, that's pretty good. I just realized some of these. They do that scene to watch a 902 and O. And then they lament that they don't have cable when it's raining. Yeah. I guess

Fox, they could get it off of bunny ears. Yeah, that's true. But you never see them watching that big 61-inch TV. Never. Not once. They buy it. That's just like kids. Just buying a bunch of shit, never taking it out of the box. I feel is the problem.

There's spending their parents' money. Dude, I'd be so mad if my kid fucking fleece three granddad of me. Oh, you're like, my kid would never do anything ever again. No. You're just at home and play those video games. I'm one of those parents and I get there and I saw what was going on. I'm loading that 60-inch TV up in the car. Oh, yep, totally.

Oh, I paid for it. Yep. I paid for it. That's my three grand, pardon me. That's Camp Nowhere, directed by Jonathan Prince. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHM Podcast. or find us on sideshownetwork.TV.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast and right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Any crazy summer camp stories? Yes, please. From four people who never went to the summer camp, let us hear it. We all hate movies at gmail.com.

Rate and review the show in iTunes. We would greatly appreciate it. And, all right, clue for next week's installment of SBE 2015. Alan coming. Alan coming. Everybody. Once an X-Man and Josie and the pussycat villain. Alan

coming. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Stephen Zeta. Take it easy.