We Hate Movies - S5 Ep211: DragonHeart (with Mark Sajdak)

Episode Date: July 7, 2015

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza rolls on with the dragon-packed, action-packed, buddy comedy, DragonHeart! What is the accent Quaid is spitting out here? What's with the dragon flap that Connery keeps flipping open? And is this knight the best hero we could get? PLUS: We all know that if you find a dragon heart, you eat it immediately. DragonHeart stars Dennis Quaid, Sean Connery, David Thewlis, Dina Meyer, Brian Thompson and Julie Christie; directed by Rob Cohen. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek and Mark Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. This week, the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on as we have a very celebratory, brotherly episode going on today.

Our special guest is Mark Sadek from the Vinnie Brusco show and also from Steve's family. Yes. How about that? How are you doing, buddy? Both of those are going pretty well. I've been invited back to both those shows. Oh, that's fantastic. On multiple occasions, and it's been going very well.

Yeah. Should we have a buzzer? Should we know which one of us is actually talking at one point? It doesn't matter, dude. We got to sound identical. Nobody knows who anybody sounds like on the show. It's been five years they can't figure it out. People have been thinking, I'm Andrew.

You're not. In this episode, we have to play brothers, though. Oh. You're the John C. Riley to my Will Farrell. That makes total sense. And I'm the Daniel Baldwin to Mark's Alec Baldwin. Oh, that's so, I really thought I was, was a ladder, uh, Stallone. I really thought I was like Frank Stollone. Yeah, Frank,

Tori. Herschel. But I love that Steve was realistic and gave himself the D list Baldwin. Yeah, absolutely. That's how that went. You went right from A to D. You jumped over Billy and Stephen. I think he's in account now, Daniel Baldwin. Oh, really? Is he crunching the numbers for Donald Trump? I can't imagine he's still acting at this point. No, he can't be. Did he get fired from that show where people get fired? Oh, I think he did. I think everybody, yeah, I can't imagine Daniel Baldwin won anything. So he's a hundred for a hundred in the L column. So real quick at the top of the program, Mark, plug your program. My program. My program, my podcast is called the Vinnie Bruscoe show, obviously.

And he's been on the show before. He was on an episode we did on Spawn. Wow. Yeah. I actually texted Vin today and he sounded. all the jealous he was happy very happy for me but i got called up to the big show so here i am i made a suit obviously as you all are thank you for showing respect yeah not enough people come in here with the respect this is a well-dressed podcast you know it's a lot like being a college basketball coach you got to look the part uh so what do you guys talk about on the vb show oh goodness uh whatever whatever uh whatever tickles our fancy floats your bonus day to day you we try to keep it current and that works when we do the show, you know,

consecutively and currently, you know, you might turn it on today and listen to a nice Christmas episode. It'll be good though. We only put on nothing but the best. It'll still be funny. Yeah, it'll be good. You'll have a good time. Those jokes will just be ripe. Yeah. It's typically just, it's a jump off board of some news story that then just deteriorates into fart jokes. Yeah. That's sooner than later. Sometimes. This is a movie podcast that degenerates into fart jokes. So we're all having a good time. You'll be right at home.

I got my whoopee cushion. And you can find that on iTunes, I imagine. I hope so. Yeah, you can actually. That's where I get it. So that's one place to start is iTunes. One of those new episodes come out? We got a couple out.

We got the last two where we're excellent. They're out there now. And we got another new one. It should be going up in just a couple days. There you go, gang. So check out the Vinnie Brescoe show on iTunes. Now, the business at hand. is 1996's Dragon Heart

directed by show favorite Rob Cohen This is the fourth fucking Rob Cohen movie The second in like two months Yeah It was a total accident actually Because we didn't really know Like Eric suggested this one Like let's do Dragon Heart

We're like all right Only after that And after we had selected stealth Knowing that it was a Rob Cohen episode We were like Oh no this was also directed by Rob Cohen And then if you look at his filmography literally every movie

he's ever directed is an episode. It's like falling off a fucking tree and hitting every branch. The closest, like his filmography comes to not being an episode is that first Fast and Furious movie. How did he do that? Is that his best? It's got to be. It's definitely

his best movie. Okay. I'm looking at you. That's telling. What are you saying? Oh, I said, is it really? I kind of can't remember every single one. He didn't have anything else in there? I mean, there's a of stuff but like you know boy next door is certainly not his best movie that's the one he had out this year oh everybody remembers that didn't he do a mummy picture yeah tomb of the dragon

emperor that's the third one of those i didn't see it the third one of anything yeah well i guess rob cohen from stealth and this the comparison is he's a fan of flying things that shouldn't talk but do as in fast and furious yeah i was gonna say he'd Things that talk but shouldn't, Vindy's. So this movie is Dennis Quaid is rapping with a dragon, voiced by Sir Sean Connery. Is he a knight? He was after this movie came out. The queen was like, that's what got you the gig.

I think he's a knight. I want to make that dragon a knight. They bring a man and he's just an old man. Who's this? He just knew the code so well. Had anyone seen this before watching it for the show? Oh, I think I saw this in the theater. Oh, really?

Little 1996 Eric Sisko went out and saw this movie. Big, big sword and sandals fan. On the silver screen and outside of it, too. Oh, sure. Just done in real life? Oh, I rocked them Birkenstocks. With your sword that you walk around New York with? Uh-huh.

Didn't we rent this, I feel like? I think this is a blockbuster. deep treasure I vaguely remember this Yeah you don't remember much about it I don't remember really particularly enjoying it at the time I remember when it came out and being like nope Oh really? I was I was 16

I was like yeah that's gonna be fucking awesome Sean Connery is a dragon everybody wanted that Yeah I guess we thought we did I mean here's the thing is he's kind of a wisecracking dragon not as much as like when who was it was it D.L. Hugley that did the voice of that car

in the Inspector Gadget movie. Yes. And that was like a jive talking car. Like he's not a jive talking dragon but he's kind of talking shit and slang just a little bit. Enough that it's like well that's not how a dragon would talk. Just enough to break continuity of the time. Yeah, it's definitely like an anachronistic vocabulary

that this dragon has. That's a good place to start because I can't believe that like Okay, you set up this mythical fantasy land where there's dragons and stuff. Yes. And then you smack on, on a superimposed 19, not 19, holy shit. This is 1968 this movie took place. This is dragons fighting in the civil rights movement? Ever since Kennedy was killed, the dragons had to work extra hard.

And then they got Bobby, too, and it was said. Oh, not Bobby. His brother was going to get us voting rights. So it takes place in 984 AD. 984, yeah. But why tell me that? Why bother? Exactly right.

That is a bullshit, like nothing year that I do not need. I just need like the Middle Ages. Or what? Or how about nothing? Because I've seen this screen and I can tell it takes place in the Middle Ages. Also, I can't believe it took place on Earth. That's another thing. That took me out of it.

I was like, wait, so this is, they're wearing Scotland right now. That's why Game of Thrones. kind of works because it's in another planet. Is it another planet? Yeah. Oh. You're to dispel belief that dragons did it one time exist. This is a historical piece, basically.

You're stretching it just a little bit. But to your point, it's not Game of Thrones because it's only dragons. There's no fucking witches or, you know, people that have different faces or anything. Where's a sorcerer? Yes. Give me one goddamn sorcerer in this movie. There's no magic whatsoever. Well, there's a little bit of dragon, man.

Yeah, only in dragons, right. This dragon heart transplant that's at the beginning of this movie. I can't believe that. We'll just mention it now because that dragon shoots a laser beam into this kid. What the fuck was that? So there's this, like, scrawny little kid who's, like, in line to the throne of wherever this is. I guess it's England, right? Because he keep talking about King Arthur.

I think King Arthur is a fictional character as well. So I didn't understand that as well. I was like, wait, so, now wait, so this is Earth, but King Arthur also exists. Okay, I got it. It's in the same universe as Arthurian legend. All right. Which, again, case in point, give me a wizard. If you're telling me King Arthur, is there, where the fuck is Merlin?

Yes. And back to JFK, Camelot. So we're right back. He sure did Camelot. I think that's a George Carlin joke. Oh, good. Yeah. but great robin joke jacking joke jacked i don't yeah it's it's all of the fun of fan it should be it should be all

of the fun of fantasy but it's like incredibly serious and grounded except for dragons oh it's like kind of a hardcore fighting middle ages movie i mean people are getting killed in this movie there's not gore but there's a lot of like you know that that sword is running through that person or like there's a part where this chick just throws an axe into this guy's chest and you see it and you're like all right that's cool but then this like cartoon n64 dragon comes out like now i'm going to huff and pop despite all that the music for 90% of this film is oddly whimsical and like like yeah it's like ah you know what wasn't that guy just murdered in a battle and but we're still just having a great time with this dragon. He's a good time. There's no doubt about it. The main score actually was like, is used

in everything. I was going to say, I'd heard it from somewhere. It's in a lot of trailers and it's used at the Academy Awards that like da-na-na-na-na- Oh yeah, you're right, it is the Academy Awards. And I really enjoyed actually that part of it. I was like, wow, this is a really good song. Despite

everything, I was like, this is really evoking some kind of an emotion. Yeah. All right. Aside from hatred. Here's the thing. I said it, like, on Twitter, so I'm going to admit it on the air so everybody knows. I fucking cried at the end of this movie. I teared up at the end of this movie,

and it's because of that song. That song is so powerful, and then his fucking hilarious dragon spirit is going up to dragon heaven. And I just, I fucking teared up a little bit. I was like, this music's working. It's that song. It's certainly not the voice acting of Sean Connery.

But is it sort of like the idea that dragons or dogs? Is it like, oh, that guy had to put his dog down. Oh, yeah. It was a bit of that. It's like, Dennis Quaid is probably wondering, like, well, when I die, am I going to see Draco the dragon again? Nope. Because when parents have to

lie to their kids and be like, you'll see snuffy in heaven again, you know. The Catholics like to bring their dogs into... Oh, dude. Is it St. Francis Day where they fucking bless them and they're like, don't worry, you'll see him in dog heaven. Oh, dude. No, you're not. Growing up, dude, you'd have that day

where, like, it was after the like, after the mass and all these old Italian women would bring in their little near-death dogs and get them blessed just so they go up to puppy heaven. I actually did that with my favorite pair of pants just because I want them up there.

Well, you're paid a lot of money for them. They're comfortable. And they're also soulless. Solace like a dog. So it's like a pair of pants. So this movie kind of opens on an awesome scene. It's a, there's a rebellion going on. Yes. The king

of the lands. Which is, yeah, it's not even like the king of a country it's just the land right yeah so he's like like they're riding in and just massacring villagers for reasons unknown yeah this king's a real jerk and he's he's getting into the fray he's got a giant crown helmet on yeah that's custom made that cost the villagers some tax dollars because yeah uh dennis quade is training the prince in the ways of not just like how to fight with swords but like the ways of the old code which we say over and over again. Training him or playing with him because they're just kind of grab ass going on during that

training. I think he's just a babysitter. Yeah, he's a glorified babysitter. It's like, it's like the knights are sort of like irrelevant at this point in time. Yeah. Because he's sort of like much as Sean Connery is the last dragon, it kind of feels like Dennis Quaid is the last night in this movie.

Right, because we're like entering the dark ages. Right. It's like, we don't need you anymore, knight. Why don't you babysit this string bean kid of mine? It was odd that this slaughter was going on and definitely not prudent in the fact that there aren't a lot of villagers

in this movie. This movie needed a lot more extras. Yeah, beef up that extra budget. I did so bad. I count this kingdom to be around probably about 250 people. Tops. And the population's going down fast. They're getting

killed by their king. Dragons that are running among. These villagers corner this king, man. And it's like Night of the Living Dead. Yes, they pull him right off his horse, and they fucking Gaddafi him. Well, they're literally, he's literally burning their village down. He's like, fuck you. They never explained that.

No, why he was doing that. No, he's just a bad king. He's having a bad day. They don't go deep with a lot in this. No, not a lot. Not the political structure. I think they used, like, the word taxes once or twice and thrown around. You know, I saw that dragon.

heart picture last week, and they really didn't get into much of the contemporary politics of the time. Really disappointed me. Why are we fighting this matter? For taxes, that's why. That was to rally Middle America. Yeah, I hate taxes too. I love dragons and hate taxes. I'd like to kill the King of America. Drag him off his fancy horse. How you like it. Dude, the the little string bean actor that they get to play young David Thudelis in this movie looks like fucking

come to life Amelia Badelea. I described him as Annie Lennox meets Clay Aiken. Not far off. And he's a shit from Jump Street. That's the important thing

that this movie is speaking of Game of Thrones. We got a real Joffrey on our hands. We do. And like, you know, what do you call it? You know, David. David. David Thuleleus? Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid has got like hearts in his eyes the whole time. He's like, oh, my little prince. Oh, my little buddy. He's being an asshole. And he keeps saying, like, I can't wait to rule this land with an iron fist.

And Quaid's like, yeah, that'll be great. You're going to do such a great job. It like ruffles his hair. Yeah, he's a poor judge of character. Right off the bat, you realize this, this night does not have a lot of insight. Yeah. Because the minute this kid gets a chance to be an asshole, he is. he's directly an asshole to his father who's dead he's like just die I want to be king grabs the crown from him this this poor old man is bleeding from every orifice which right due to the Gaddafiing yeah they rip him limb from limb and then they're like

oh wait they're still burning down our village and everyone leaves him alone and the kid kind of scampers in to take the crown yeah I wasn't paying attention at the start of it so when he's grabbing that crown away I was like what's that kid's problem well they got into it real quick they did not it was like all right you get it

these guys know each other that's the king he's dead and uh he's ripping his he's a dick this kid we're kind of going way too long without a dragon sighting in this movie though ain't that the truth and I started to question this movie's dragon budget at one point oh dude this let's get into that

this movie is all about hiding that dragon for as much as possible it's just like a guy hiding behind a bush with like a couple of brooms and then like Dennis Quaid having to like look in awe at nothing or like when the dragon first picks

him up. Right. And it's just the frame is Dennis Quaid and above the frame he's clearly just holding a rope of some kind. Yeah. And they're like dragging him around because you don't see an actual dragon claw or anything holding him. And it's so fucking fake. The first dragon battle

that Quaid has you don't see that dragon. That amounts to a bail of hay being thrown up in the air. And I was like, wow, they really couldn't afford a second drag. Like, they couldn't have done the same thing. I just pressed blue on paint. Exactly. Exactly.

Make it green or some shit. Oh, you wanted a green dragon. That's going to take at least another eight months. So the prince now once in future king. Now boy king. Shved into a spike. Oh, yeah. Hilariously.

The girl who will be Dina Meyer jumps off like who's like a peasant girl like bumps into him with her ass and he impales himself like a vampire she is indeed the peasant girl as there is not one other peasant girl to be she's the only one she's the hottest one

the whole land relies on her to repopulate it that's it again think about this extras casting just a little bit like the two women in this movie are her and Julie Christie who's like the mother that's it and it's just a bunch of hairy fat

guys yeah a lot of them i saw changing hats at different points i think later on a couple of dragon slayers quote unquote uh and then dennis quade in his role as nana the dog comes down and it's like oh no my prince and he starts crying and like rushes him back to the castle and like he's like oh he's mortally wounded he's kind of fucked because he ate quade's not doing any accent whatsoever no he's here's the thing it's not an accent he's doing a voice and I think there's a difference like an accent is something you put on

and talk normally while you do it he is doing a cartoon of what he thinks like a leprechaun on steroid sounds like the problem is his king talks like this hello there I'm the king and now he's me and oh my queen and then this guy called hey how's it going

I'm a knight I speak perfect American I've definitely lived here my whole life as a knight alongside you sweet British people. Yeah, and David Thuleus, as the grown boy king, has definitely got a little bit of like a chimney sweep accent going on. He's pushing it to 11, man.

I mean, where is the grounding in this dragon movie? So, you know, they're like, oh, there's nothing we could do for him. And then, like, Julie Christie turns over to her, like, little dragon head shop she has going on all these, like, dragon chotchkes and bongs she has. She's like, oh, not everything. And they bring them to fucking Sean Connery's cave, which actually you could visit Sean Connery's cave.

It's in Scotland. Welcome to my cave. That's where he's retired. Now get the hell out of here. They bring him there and apparently dragons can heal everything. She's like, oh, I call upon the ancient right of such and such. And who's a fudge? There's a lot of like dragon lore going on in this movie.

I don't know how canon it is to, like, actual like other dragon stories and whatnot, you know what I mean? I mean, this is like, well, a dragon never wants to hurt a human. I'm like, since fucking when? That's all dragons ever do is hurt

humans. A bunch of dragon propaganda. Oh, no, we just got a bad rap the whole time. I don't think so. Why did the knight even think, why did Bowen even think that this kid was done for knowing there's a source of magic just a half mile away in the cave

he's like ah well he's done for and she's not necessarily and she I don't know she takes a potion and they go off to the oh there's some sort of fucking hemlock juice going on I don't know this is where like Sean Connery dragon

says in the shadows because we're not paying for him exactly no no no no and he's he's talking about like they're going to like share hearts or whatever I think this is the titular dragon heart yeah so the dragon like heart and this kid's heart kind of merge in that laser bolt

from the dragons whatever. When two become one dude it's just like the Spice Girls prophesized. You're right. He reaches in and it's kind of grotesque like he literally grabs a piece of his heart and shoves it inside David the Willis and just get it up in there. And yeah he carterizes the wound

with a laser beam which he never uses again. It's not like fire and he's like it would be cool if it was fire and he's like now he's third degree burned for a while. Yeah but it'll heal up But, yeah, just you got to let that set. This was an instant laser blast, and it was just kind of okay then. Yeah, I guess it's only when dragons are performing open heart surgery.

He's a doctor. I'm doctor dragon. And I'm not a zoologist, but let's get that right out of the way. I'm preface this with that. I'm not a zoologist, but I didn't know that dragons, the way to get to their heart is literally, it's like a flap. It's like, it's like Venetian blinds. Like, he's just like, grot. and just

his heart's sitting there. Yeah, it's one scale and it's right under it. He uses that like a couple times in the movie to taunt him too because it opens it like

I see anything you like dragon get a good look. I think this is just his genitals. I think he's just flashing his genitals. I mean his heart

is placed under the scale like you would put a key under a door mat. It was actually based on the actual Sean Carter who had actually had a pacemaker put in with the same thing. It's a flap

so he can adjust it. So you can jumpstart me right away off a car battery. And so immediately this kid turns into a pile of fucking shit, right? And yeah and what's awesome about it is they're like, well he was

such a saint before. Clearly the dragon poisoned him. Well that's, well he he has to say some oath like, oh I promise to do this, that, and the other thing. Be the best half man, half dragon I can be. and he's like oh I want to rebuild this castle

like oh that'll take many men my lord it's like I know I just learned of this new thing called slavery well it's a chicken versus the egg kind of deal it's like he also just got the crown so you're playing with his dragon

for all this bullshit but yeah he's just drunk on power yeah he was a dick to begin first off his haircut was should have been the real telling point because anyone with that hairdo is going to be a prick. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, exactly. And this guy's keeping this haircut, by the way, right up till grown age or whatever. So we cut to 12 years later. Well, Dennis Quaid is pissed off because, like, he tries to, he sees the slavery, et cetera, et cetera. I think the young boy king demands someone burn out their eyes.

Oh, yeah. Right, because there are some people from the rebellion, he has in shackles. And he's just, like, burn the insolence out of his eyes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Good line. And he's like, oh, that dragon really fucked you up good. I'm going to go out and kill every last dragon to get, to even the score.

As opposed to killing him. When he ordered his eyes burned out, I was actually envious. Because I'm like, buddy, trust me, you're not going to miss anything. This movie's two stars at best. So, you know, we jump ahead to nine, what would that be, 96 AD? sure oh yeah of that that was that was the year actually we learned that dragons went extinct that's why it's important that we know that it's 984 at the start of the movie ripd ripd the entire race of dragons and now david thulis is is this guy and he looks like he's

sucking on lemons the entire he's got this like mick jagger like scowl like this haughty look the entire time you want to fucking smack that mullet off his head And so, yeah, he's ruling the land with an iron fist, I guess. Still, this is where he has this woman's father murdered. Is that the idea? Yeah, he's just hunting for pleasure. But the thing is, it's the only person, not as I want to spoil anything, but one of the only people that you actually see him do anything really actually bad to. So they just wanted to illustrate the point, like, have him kill her dad.

Right. But, like, other than that, there's not a lot of widespread torture. much going on. Not as much as you want in a movie like this. It does look as though this guy's eyes didn't make the trip in the last 12 years. He rethought that because he's blind

as a bat. He's blind and he gets a bow and arrow. The arrow just right through his heart. Right? That's this guy. Or is an axe? What happens? No, he gets it because he gets a bow and arrow because Dina Meyer is like, oh, release him. It's one of those things. You talk to a fucking action movie villain, really choose

your words carefully. Don't say release my father. Yeah, it's like a genie, dude. You've got to watch that shit. Oh, I'll release him into death. And it's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, right, right. And the dude gets his arrow in the chest and he's looking at

the daughter just like, oh, thanks a lot. This is your fault. You should have said, let me go. His awful death is met with, I want to say, annoyance on her part. Because I don't see a single tear. scream, but she's

upset. She's just like, oh, aggravation. Nobody gets overly emotional. It's one less thing to worry about. And especially back then. Yeah, taking care of the elderly in the middle ages, that's obnoxious. Think about that, you know, like you were a senior citizen at 30 back then.

Dude, burn him at the stake. Yes, I agree. You know, if you live to 60 or something, you're unnatural. That's true. And this guy's easily like 80. Yeah. Although maybe he was 16. That's how I was supposed to be it's hard living back then you get you get stuck on a guy uh on a horse who's over 30 in traffic you're like oh fuck great this guy should they should take his horse license away

stupid horse traffic he barely has his head over that horse's neck so he's dead and we cut to dennis quaid who's just like a professional dragon hunter now and he's kind of like not caring so much about the honor of being a night. Nope, he's done. He's living on hard times. He does, like Mark said, kill a dragon off screen. Great. That's one scene I don't want, right? I don't

want to see him kill a dragon. A miraculous dragon murder. Yeah, I need to see that. You're telling me this dude's a dragon slayer. I need to see some dragons slaying. You're 20 minutes into this film and you've got to think an audience in the theater was definitely looking at their watch. Like, God, this is Dragonheart, right? Did I

get the ticket to the right movie? Is this some other Dennis Quaid medieval Tale. Not that it would ever be mistaken for Braveheart, which it took a lot of liberties from. So he's killing dragons. We got Pete Possalweight again.

Yeah, playing this monk, bard wandering minstrel. This is an annoying character. Oh, absolutely. I always hate this shit where it's like, and he's like a writer and the donkey farts when he says something and we get like an everybody's a critic.

Enter the comic relief. in full for he makes like he has like eight one liners as he as he comes on screen dude in a movie where sean connery is voicing a dragon why do you need comic relief it's right there the title character is the comic relief they thought it was serious they were like no no no this movie is too good and serious we need someone to lighten it up yeah he posseway it is a hilarious monk sure who's that comedian yeah that what's his He was an usual suspect. Really fucking funny in that movie.

He kind of, he was great in that movie. He was, I actually just rewatch that. He's kind of doing brown face in that movie, or I mean, he's exactly doing brown face that movie. As Kobayashi, which that doesn't even make sense. But he's doing an Indian accident, and he's got literally brown face. Right, but he's not a real person. He's a story's made up. He's a fictional person in his story.

Oh, guys, so little offensive. why do you need me to do this? You know your audience. You're talking to Chas Palmitari. You might want to pepper it up a little bit with some. Oh, yeah, those guys are always up to no good. Yeah.

Oh, they're crafty, aren't they? Yeah, good point, actually. That's totally why Chas Palmetary falls for it in that movie. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. The most questionable one was casting his lawyer as an Indian man.

I don't know. the devil. Now, let me ask you this, because it has been several years since I've watched that movie. Does it hold out? I think it does. Oh, I think so. Really? I think it's still a really strong movie. It's well directed. It moves. You know what's lovely about that movie? It's less than two hours long. You know what is? Yeah, it's exactly. It's not some fucking crime epic. You're in, you're out. He, you know, like that, he's gone, literally. So enter fucking Sean Connery as a dragon, right? Yeah, fucking finally. He's terrorizing, he's not, no, he's not terrorizing a town. He's under, like, some waterfall

getting high or something. Yeah, he's just trying to, like, smoke a dragon-sized dube and just chill out under this waterfall. I'm retired. And then... Puff the magic dragon. That's right. Exactly, dude. That's what he's trying to do. Like, his ancestor puff. Right, because

dragons invented marijuana. For recreational purposes. Speaking of poor judge is a character, right? So, he did indeed give half his heart and decide to share his life for us, with the king he had met all of 10 seconds before

after, you know, a 20-second conversation. And he thought his father was basically a demon. Hitler Jr. shows up with lung cancer and you decide to save his life. I'm like, no. End that bloodline. Let's see what else happens. Well, no, no. I'll grant you something here. Now, Hitler was famously anti-smoking.

And if this son is lung cancer, maybe he's different from his own man. He's a free spirit. It's a free spirit That Brett Hitler Is Brett Cody Hitler Yeah, Brett and Cody Hitler

You're the twins Tyler and Kyle Hitler There was a Willie Hitler Oh right, of the Long Island Hitler They were the ones that all famously castrated themselves No, I think they decided not to... Or they just agreed to not breed? Yeah, much easier

Less graphic. It's a good story. to leave any pokers in the fireplace for that one to happen. I bet you they did, though. That's how it, that's how a Hitler castrates itself. Dude, I'm telling you, there's some secret Hitler's out there. I bet you. I would bet you.

There is a Taylor Hitler out there somewhere? Yeah, totally. But it's like, you know, Taylor Johnson or something. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so it's, this dragon comes out, and here's like the big reveal of the movie is this dragon. And it

kind of looks... I don't know, just a little worse than, like, the dinosaurs in Jurassic World now, because those are all bad-looking dinosaurs, by the way. I don't know if anybody's seen that. You've seen that movie yet, Mark? No, but I've seen the commercials, and it doesn't look like you'd think after 25 years or whatever it's been that... We'd figure out how to make a dinosaur with a computer, and it was far better in the first, in the first movie. They should have never made any sequels to that movie.

No, just one and done. We're having a good time. And I saw Jurassic World. I didn't hate it, but it's got a lot of problems. Especially that ending. Speaking of Jurassic Park, that's what they want. They used the same studio. They used ILM and they're like, we want this to be Jurassic Park times five because this is so much better because it's a dragon and he can talk.

And that's the problem. And it's like, Jurassic Park. At least Jurassic Park, like it's just, all the T-R-X does is he's filmed completely in shadow. he screams a bunch and eats some shit that's it he's not cracking quips he's not raising an eyebrow i just love like the the pitch meeting for dragon heart and rob cohen's just like you know what i hated about that drastic park you got all these dinosaurs running around not one of them's telling a joke and they were like that's right rob cohen here's 20 million dollars go make this dragon heart picture in estonia or wherever that that dragon and dragon heart he

You basically, it's the special effects equivalent of a yogurt commercial. Like, he's just kind of flying in the background. It's a screensaver. It's a bad Windows 98 screen saver. I think there was a toaster with wings in the background, too. I think that was the original concept art, was the dragon looked like a flying toaster. The tagline for this film is, you will believe. So, that's just, you will believe.

You'll believe something. You will believe you pay. too much money for his ticket. You will believe your father's pissed off. He dropped that much money at the concession. That reminds me when he's in, he's shielded in the waterfall, right? And Pete Possible and Wade come up.

And he's, and, you know, already he possibly, it's like, sing the song of Dennis Quaid. And it's like, fuck you. And he's like, come out, dragon, let's fight in American style. And he's like, oh, you want to fight do you? Well, witness the wonder and ancient glory. And he like reveals himself. Of Windows 95.

At one point, he says, this is what happened to the last dragon slayer that tangled with me. And he like spits out this corpse at them. And this big, like, red dummy falls out and Dennis Quaid's like, e-e-ew!

And then Pete Possuwait's donkey farts and everybody in the audience laughs again. So they get into a fight. And he, for a very long time, this dragon drags Dennis Quaid around. And all of you hear is, great, going, Ah! For minutes and minutes.

Is this when he's on the rope? Yes. And this is an opportunity for jokes galore. Because he gets dragged into the forest. He's hit all the trees. And he says, Sean comes like, visit the woods. Why don't we go for a walk in the woods? But first steps are doosies.

It just keeps going all in a... Cowabunger! That's what this movie's missing. It's a good dragon, cowabonga. You're the man now, dog? I was waiting for that. Don't forget, by the way, Jamal Wallace wrote that paper.

In case anyone forgot the end of fucking Finding Forrester, he didn't write that paper. Jamal Wallace wrote that paper. But Jamal Wallace. The world had a love affair with Sean Connery in the late 90s, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know where it went. I think he retired. It was after the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

He said, no more. I don't know it was after he was knighted. And now he sits atop of throne somewhere. The queen made him a duke somewhere. I've got responsibilities. Sorry, I can't act in Hollywood anymore. I'm a landowner. I'm a vassal.

I'm a queen. I've got small folk to tend to. I myself am hundred. to the last dragon. Ironies. He's now currently out searching for the last dragon. The queen gave him a mission.

Yes. It was a mission she knew he would spend the last years of his life on this planet trying to complete. So Dennis Quaid gets stuck in this dragon's mouth for what feels like 28 minutes. It's the dumbest. He's got a sword up against

the roof of his mouth and he goes and this is when, and this is embarrassing for Sean Connery, by the way. he has to start acting like this. Everything he's talking about, I was like, If you allow you a shot, I'll roll my brains. Dude, when that scene was happening, I was picturing Sean Connery in the recording studio being like,

is this really necessary? And Rob Cohen's like, yeah, it is. You got to do it. Rock and roll. Put the orange in your mouth, Sir Connery. Come on, old man. Do it. Do his voice.

They put a fucking pulp fiction ball gang on him. this knight is straddling this dragon's tongue and is being jostled around on top of it for hours on end it's uncomfortable it must feel kind of good

to watch that's a line he goes please remove your buttocks from my tongue and I was like oh we're eating ass now in this movie okay that's where we're going it is the middle ages baby let's do it

let's go ass to mouth Dennis queen and obviously this dragon could have killed this night five times before during this battle. If you watch this battle, he's such a powerful creature. Oh, yeah. Well, he is a dragon, Mark. And bowed,

Quaidon, whatever his name is. Quaidle. I like Quaidle, actually. He's not a great knight by any standards. He's not like, you're not marveling at his swordsmanship. So he could have died many a time. Oh, yeah. But the thing is, you know, once they get out, once he gets out of the mouth,

You know, Sean Connery's like, I never wanted to kill you. Oh, yeah, this is where we get this whole spiel about, like, dragons never tried to hurt anyone. Yeah. We just got a bad rap. Jamal Wallace started all sorts of rumors about dragons. The conversation that's had before this battle ensues is, it's revealed that Connery, Draco, is the last dragon.

Right. The famous, I am the last one. Right. That's a trailer line, if I'm not mistaken, yeah. So Quaid has been systematically destroying the entire race of dragons based on what one did, a genocide. Yeah, he's a walking genocide, this guy. He's a real, he's real Ho Chi Minh, this guy. It's the Iraq war.

It started on bad information. Millions of people lost their lives. But I'd do it again if I was given the same information, says all modern politics. Dennis Quaid just sees this dragon, he's like, mission accomplished and goes at its throat. Oh man, a dragon on a aircraft carrier? Hell yeah, dude. That's a t-shirt. And it seems the second to last dragon that was killed was a female.

Yes. He's like, you killed her. And it's like, oh, it's a girl who seems like friends with her. Yeah. And oddly enough, just a few hours later, the two are swapping witty retort to each other. Yeah, they are fast and unbelievable friends. That dragon was probably pregnant. Oh, yeah, dude.

That was a double homicide. Double dragoside. Yeah, it's either one of two things, when it's you and the last dragon on earth. You're either doing what you should do, which is repoply the dragons, or like, somebody's gay and we're just really good friends. You know what I mean?

Like, we're having tea together, talking about stuff. So this dragon was more like Carrie Grant, just like living with his buddy for the rest of his years. Yeah, sure. But, and you're right, because, like, Dennis Quaid never owns up to apologizes or has to deal with the fact that he killed so many dragons, 12 years worth of dragon. His shield is full of dragon teeth. Oh, is that what's all around? Or, yeah, or claws or whatever.

He's just, it's like a, like an ear necklace. Yeah, exactly. Draco sneers at that. Oh, does he really? I miss that. I miss that subtle moment. And now that we're friends, could you put away that offensive shield? Yeah, really?

Now, let's not forget that dragons in this movie are essentially just like big dogs. Like, they're not meaning to harm anybody. And Quaid got bit by one one one day and just went around and just started murdering dogs left and right. Knights are like the mailman for dragons. And he had to kill a couple babies too, right? So, like, there's probably a deleted scene where he's picking a big rock up over some eggs and just drop it. Not the younglings. Oh, yeah, dude.

Dragon younglings are getting slaughtered. When you killed my female friend, did you happen to see any eggs? Oh, I did, dragon, and I ate them all up. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I'm the hero of this film. Dude, with this haircut, by the way, he looks like. fucking dog the bounty hunter in this movie he looks terrible

dude i would pay to see dennis quaid played dog the bounty hunter today he's the right age now in a dog the bounty hunter bounty pick yeah a biopic it's a bounty pick that's not a real thing sure it is it's on the cover of bounty paper towels that dude looks

great while they're verbally sparring uh quaid and and this uh cgii nightmare At one point, Sean Connery says, oh, it's the prophet hereafter, to which Quaid replies, it's not the prophet, it's the pleasure. And I had to think that was a studio exec line.

Maybe they enjoyed making this film. Hey, Dennis, these killing dragons get you really horny. Pleasure of killing dragons. So basically, and also this movie was pitched to someone. at some point, like, because the whole point of this movie was to get them to the point where they're pals and they're like conning villagers.

Right, because then all of a sudden it's like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid. Somebody, and I bought the DVD for this and I was reading the production notes and I was reading the production notes on the train, which is like the DVD sleeve, and I must have looked like the

world's biggest maniac. Like some creepy fat dude in glasses reading a DVDs for a movie Nobody's cared about in 25 years. You probably look like the world's biggest dragon fan. Leave no stone unturned. I've read Lord of the Rings.

I've finished Game of Thrones. What's this now? A little mini tale. Babe, I was on the train coming home from work tonight. I saw this guy. I think he's the first ever dragon completest. I saw a loser today You might as well have been holding a leather bound book

That said the tales of King Arthur on the train I would much rather Dude, your whole thing of like being a loser on the train Reading something totally reminded me of One night, when they would do like those like Midnight release of the Harry Potter books Or like they'd come out like 8 p.m. or something like that One night, there's several years ago, one of those books

came out and my wife was on the train and she sees someone like a group of people on the train and the girl in the middle has the new Harry Potter book and she's reading it out loud and doing all the voices. Oh my goodness. And all these people are standing around and she's reading this book and doing the voices and then like stops are going by and all these people are there like reading this book, read this book, gets to a stop. All these people get out except for this one girl.

There wasn't a crowd of people. It was just her. And she continued to read After all those people left Just get to the bottom Of what happened to Dumbledore in this book Just reading it Doing voices

Wow Were you doing voices reading those Production notes? It's the pleasure What I'd learned Was somebody had pitched us As Butch Cassidy And the Sundance Dragon

No Oh man They get shot by the Bolivians At the end Rains are falling on your dragon head. It's a dragon and a lady on a bicycle? Dude, I, like, we're talking about, like, what the pitch sounded like for this movie.

But I would love it if it was a thing where they just made this movie behind Universal's back. And then it was just like, wait, what movie's coming out? Well, when did that happen? Who pitched that? How did this slip by? Oh, this looks terrible. It's like lethal weapon. except

Danny Glovers A dragon He's an old Gristle Dragon That actually is a good analogy That works Yeah you know The same hairdo

That dragon is getting Too old for the shit In this movie He's 5,000 years old Is he 5,000 years old? Remember that? Is he 5,000 years old? Do you remember the sequel

Where that dragon is trying to take that shit On the toilet But it's got a bomb on it That Dennis Quaid Has to save him That dragon's just humiliated sitting on that toilet

what a cold open there's some point in this scene like before they team up and start like grifting people which is the thrust of this movie the dragon definitely does a nut shot on Dennis Quaid and there's just a big like doing you don't remember the nut shot yeah he ejaculates

yeah no he hits him in the balls oh no I remember that I thought you meant to be like he ejaculated on him I wasn't even doing a joky joke for the show. I was confused and I thought I had missed. Well, that was like there was the deleted scene with Son of the Mask where there was like mask seed. And we didn't know about that. So I guess it's totally possible.

All bets are off. Yeah, you're right. It's SBE 2015. Special Seaman Edition. Chuck Connery lifts his heart flap and ejaculate pops out. That's what it's there for to keep this stuff in. Good God. The last dragons reproduce from our heart flaps.

Gonna spray you with my heart flap. It is disgusting. It's repulsive. Make no mistake, it's repugnant. And then to recap the story arc of this night, he is a good and noble night. One kid turns questionable. Kills every dragon for 12 years,

meets the very one he's after, and be friends him in a day. Yep. Because he can't even remember the voice. That's the thing. How are you duped by this when that dragon is talking like Sean Connery? Hello, it's me. What do you mean?

I've never seen here before. Like, how do you... Unless, and we don't know because we don't hear any other dragon talk. They all sound like. They all sound like Sean Connery. I'm his wife. And I'm his brother. It's entirely possible.

don't know. But I doubt that that's the case. Well, they're all dead. I doubt that that's the case, though. I think it's more that Dennis Quaid's just an idiot night in this movie is the thing. So we're teaming up. And the whole thing is they realize like, oh, you know how we could team up? Sean Connery flies into a village, pretends to like harass people and threaten them. And then Dennis Quaid comes in pretending to be the hero. And like they fake murder the dragon and then he just gets the money. Which what what the hell does the dragon get out of this? He's, he is no use for coins. He lives, I guess. But he could easily scorch this guy in the middle of the night, who has again murdered every one of his friends and his entire race.

Oh, yeah. Low these 12 years. It makes no sense. Or also, just fucking fly away. Retire down to Argentina or something. Like, get overseas whatever. What the hell is Puerto Rico doing

up in 900? 9,000. A.D. Let's find out. I mean, it must have been really nice, I bet. Oh, I bet. It sure was great. The undiscovered country. Could I go discover a new country? That's what he's going to do. But it makes no sense.

Bowen back to America where he belongs. He gets eaten by natives or something? Sure. Why not? Why not? It's Dragon. Heart. Oddly left, as bad as the dragon looks and the premise of the film, it's the most believable part is that

dragons actually exist. Everything else that goes on. The story was good. It's like, I can't understand why they're friends. I was like he's a dick. He's not even likable. No, it makes no sense that they agree to this deal. But I'll show you on every level this movie is unbelievable because even the peasants.

Yeah. We're in cleaner clothes than I am today. They are not doing a good job at that. Everyone looks so, everyone gets dry cleaning in this movie. This was a big trend in, in 90s, medieval. movies. What, like medieval people just looking good? Yeah. Like, have you guys seen First Night also with Sean Connery? Holy Toledo. They're, they're looking nice in that movie. Yeah, they're all recently bathed. But that's Merlin's magic, I bet. Oh, yeah. Like, clean spells.

Cast a laundry spell on everyone. I definitely saw a couple of sets from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Oh, also starring Sir Sean Connery. So is First Night. He had a hard on for these movies well if you're doing a movie about medieval times oh yeah you're going connery every time you have to he's the most believable or if you're doing a movie about alcatraz it's kind of it's sort of the same thing the living conditions yes a sword in the stone the rock kind of yeah oh you know it's funny whenever even as a kid the first time i heard of alan quarterman i was like that sounds a lot like sean connery hope hope he plays alan quarterman someday that wasn't media No, but still, he's built for all these roles.

So David Thuillis is just being a dick. That's, I mean, that's his platform as king. At first he was like, let's build a palace and let's, I don't care how it gets built. And then like, from then on, he's just being a dick. Yeah, he's got no end game. It's not like for the glory of whatever. He's not trying, yeah, he's not trying to like conquer another town or anything. He's a bully.

It's just an ant farm that he's got, that he's shaking. So often, that's basically how he sees his subjects. He keeps banging on the glass to that aquarium. And Dina Mayer gets kidnapped, and he recognizes her as being the woman that ass-bubbed him into impalement. So he tries to repay her by raping her in this room. Yep. Oh, absolutely. And he's just like, it's a very uncomfortable scene.

It's added nowhere. This is almost a family movie, kind of, right? It is borderline. There's no blood. You're talking PG, right? No, I think we're talking 13, maybe. Let me just consult the DVD. Check your train reading material.

You know, most people bring books. The newspaper. No, that's it. A fucking Steve for the 10-year-old DVD. Is it? It doesn't say that. I think it was PG-13. It must be.

I got to say PG-13. And that's what I was, I was like, wait a second. Was there a rape? Was our heroin just raped? What direction are we? going two minutes ago is a friendly banter with a cartoon and another cartoon and now a rape really

well he's like licking his lips at this chick and everything mark was right it it's pg 13 all right all right that explains a little bit of it for dragon talk and rape it's true though you they do cut like he's like they're in a bedroom and he's like I'm the king and you can't stop me and she's just like pushing them away

and I believe they cut, right? Am I nuts? No, I didn't come back. They actually, they come in on the scene and she's on a bed and they're like, you know, yammering at each other. I thought is how it went. But I think the bed is there and... I don't know if anything happens though

because what that cut is is another scene involving David Thuleus. So he's not like off somewhere assaulting somebody. That's good. But I mean, he is pulling a real like, listen Lorraine. Someday you're going to be more. My wife, you know, whether you like it or not kind of a thing.

And I was like, that's not what this movie is. We don't need a talking cartoon. I don't need the threat of sexual violence in my fun dragon caper. And it is a fun dragon caper. All things considered the old man with the arrow in his heart. Yeah, it's fine. Just harking back to, you know, Robin Hood and such. All in all, this is a fun jaunt through dragon lore.

But that's what's weird, though, is like, who is this movie? for? No one. It's because Eric, I guess Eric would have been. Yeah, it was for me. You're stuck in this middle area, though, where it's like a kooky cartoon dragon. And for you, the hyper-emotional. That cried at the end

of this film. And the hyper-emotional me. Which, yeah. Dudes who fall for it. Real easy marks. That song is good. It might have been more for you than me then. But I never saw it. You just, wait, you're talking about it. Well, I meant, you know, I'm

talking about when this movie came out, who was this movie for? Right. Well, it was for me then, but it's for you now. I grew into deserving this movie. It's a broad net they threw. They're like, let's try to get the kids with this, and we'll got to get the maniacs with the rape,

and maybe who likes violence to get them in there, and historians will have it set on you know, planet Earth. We'll drive historians mad as well. Yeah, get those history buffs in, set it on earth. There's a lot of professors.

Give her a specific date. Yeah, that's what that 984 BC is. They might as well said like March 28th. Yeah, just one as well. A lot of professors sitting there. They were like, oh, the catapult didn't exist yet. Son of a bitch. Oh, look at that.

300 plus years till they signed the Magna Carta. Can we talk about the scene where Dennis Quaid names the dragon. Oh, man. This is when we're becoming the best of pal. We've had a couple of grifts. Right. Now he's having a sleepless night. Brooding night, right?

He's a dark night. So, he's looking up at the stars and the, you know, the dragon wakes up and he's like, the dragon asks him what he's thinking about. They're waking. They're waking up next to each other. And the dragon asks, what are you thinking?

What? Something where he's like, have you been up all night? And he's like, I'm keeping guard. Yeah, that'll do. So he points out the star, the constellation, Draco. Yeah. And it's like, oh, you know that means dragon. I was thinking of calling you that.

And he's like, so you won't call me dragon in your tongue, but you'll say it in another tongue. Oh, he's real name, he's like, oh, you can pronounce it. Only dragons can pronounce it. So that means he never learned the name of one. dragon that he killed below these 12 years. No, absolutely not.

He didn't even bother to ask their name. Well, he's something where he's like, well, yeah, try me or something like that. And he's like, well, it's pronounced, you know, and he like roars and then like coughs at the same time. It's pronounced dragon. I can't pronounce that.

Dennis Quaid admits that his idea to name him Draco is stupid. And then the dragon feels bad He's like, no, no. Yeah, he's like, I'd be honored to be called that Named after those stars. Should we call this movie Dragon Heart? Yes, of course.

It's a fantastic idea. Well, the weird thing is then he starts going off on this Scientology religion where like all dragons go to heaven. If I'm a good dragon, I'll live in, I get my own star with a thousand slaves. This is, this is, and 72 virgins. Dude, it's fucking dragonetics.

Also subtle foreshadowing. He says he tried to save the, you know, the kid that's now king to help get to dragon heaven. But now it turned out to be his greatest sin. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, exactly. So he's not going to go to heaven. Fucking dragon hell. Hey, hey, boy.

you awake what you're thinking hey Bowen Bowen you believe in God huh you know God I want to talk about mortality

I can't sleep I was actually just up designing our next fun grift we're going to do I'm robbing I'm literally again genocide and now I'm robbing from the poor.

I'm terrorizing and robbing the poor. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Later, Dina Mayer acts as his conscience, and he's just, why don't you steal from the king? He's like, ah, that's too easy. What are you talking? Because I'm an asshole.

I would think stealing from the king is the hardest of all thefts. Gina Mayor, Julie Christie, who really feels bad about this whole, like, giving her son an immortal dragon heart thing. Yes, she's just like, oh, man, I am sorry I let this boy live. This is when we learn, because

she stabs him in the heart. She escapes, and now she's trying to get a rebellion because she's like the hero of this movie. She's like, there's a crooked king, I'm not out for money, blah, blah, blah. And then they wind up in the same town for the same griff. It's kind of like that movie Maverick. Yeah.

You know, that movie could have used the dragon. It could use a lot of things. Let's not forget. She escaped. Dina Meyer escapes the king. yes and he doesn't bother to even look like like you think his pride would have been hurt yeah totally that's his future wife literally right down the road which is in eyes view from his bedroom literally he could probably see her running this movie takes place around six city blocks let's be honest well maybe that's the thing he's like oh oh she only went there

I'll get to it I have other people to torture and murder first but so they go to this town and they're setting up the grift and she's like that guy's fall as shit this dragon's in on it and it's a weird like whatever do you mean oh be great if it was like fucking that seeded rounders when they get caught and they get the shit kicked out of him man like somebody grabs the dragon's hand and an ace falls out and he's like uh uh uh do you guys take a joke and like they beat the ever-living fuck out of him Dude, then David Thuleus is like, do you want a cookie? John Malkovich in that movie, man.

At this point, Kobayashi comes around the bend. Oh, right. Singing his songs. And he is 100% Dennis Quaid supporter in this movie. He's like, oh, it's Bowen the Great Dragon Slayer. Don't listen to this woman. He's killed them all. And all these dudes are just like, oh, well, all right, then.

Carry on with your dragon slaying. And he's in league with the dragon. and everyone starts laughing. Oh, yeah. Really cracking up. Well, she's a lowly woman on top of it. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. And she's as baseborn as they come.

Plus that American accent's not giving her any credibility in Scotland. There's got to be like a little town. Maybe her and Bowen both come from. Oh, dude, it's a village of lost time travelers. Oh, that's where the Roanoke. Oh, that's where they went. They got sucked into medieval times. Yeah.

I think the first time we meet Dina Myers, she's actually listening to Tom Petty. The last dance with Mary Jane. One of the most terrifying music videos of all time. Well, they're all pretty creepy. If it wasn't, if not that, then don't come around here no more. It's the Alice in Wonderland deal. Oh, yeah.

And they're all chopping her up again, the cake. Oh, the cake. That gave me some nightmares. Oh, you'll be up all night with that cake video. That was a chilling MTV morning when it came across that. Dude, it was a bad day at school when you turned down 120 minutes and that video was the last thing you saw before you left the house. That did happen a couple times. There were some videos where you're like, I don't want to watch this.

Dude, the ever-long video was kind of terrifying in that same way. Especially as like a kid in 94. You're just like, wait, what? That's a great video. It's a great video now. But, like, as a kid watching MTV, you're like, that fucking cabin. terrifying. One of those Nirvana ones for in, in utero was

pretty freaky. Where they got, I forget which, a heart shaped box. Oh, yeah. Where they got like the woman from the album cover kind of in it. It's like, you know, they're like dissected person type of thing. Oh, yes. Did you guys used to watch

music videos before school in the morning? Absolutely. I did. What about what about Black Hole Sun? Oh, yeah. That's a pretty funny. That's another too. You know what though? The first, I wasn't scared by that video because the first time I ever saw it, it was getting lampooned on Beavis and Butthead.

So I was like, oh, all right. Cut the edge off a little bit. Yeah, it was like, all these cartoon teenagers are making fun of it. I can handle it. So, you know, she's trying to out him in this whole thing. And, you know, that P. P. P. P. P. P. Paso wait, saves the day. And he's like, all right, on to the dragon slaying.

Like, white men can't jump. Two Russian guys beat the shit out of that dragon. Because for one, too many Khan I'm on to you dragon and then Dina Meyer goes on Jeopardy Weird

And the dragon goes home and Bangs Rosie Perez in a gratuitous sex scene That movie's nothing but gratuitous sex scene So like the whole thing Is Dennis Quaid launches these huge Like tree-sized arrows at the dragon

And the whole gag is Sean Connery Dragon catches it under his elbow and goes and falls into water he puts on the Steve Martin head thing the arrow through it oh no

I brought the King Tut costume not the arrow through the head hat also part of history these two invented burlesque basically it's really like ham handed and so we see it in another grift

like he falls into a pond or whatever and then swims far enough away and there's a hilarious moment where he like pokes his dragon head out of the water. He's like, coast is clear and goes away. But this time he falls and it's like just this shallow cesspool. And it's like he breaks his neck at the shallow end of the pool. And like he's laying there.

He's selling it. I mean, he's still selling it as the dead dragon or whatever. And they're like, oh, and then all these dudes all of a sudden are like, meat, meat. And Sean Connery's like, I sure hope they're not saying meat. Are they going to cut him up or whatever? and then he like jumps up and dragons away and then they turn and they look back this is the crazy part all of a sudden these dudes turn into cannibals yes because they look at dennis quaint and pepossal wait and and what's her face dina mayor and they're just like well in that case me and they start like coming at them we already got our heart set on it no there's pigs running everywhere around them as this is going on for some reason yeah why don't we want to chomp down on some pork and it makes sense this grift worked so many times before because never would a poor village ever go into the water and try to get what was probably valuable dragon parts. Oh, dude, you can sell like the horns of dragons. His heart alone can

save your entire family. Nobody goes after this. If you can dissect that little laser device that's in there, you're sitting pretty medical technology wise. If you find a dragon, you should eat its heart. Oh, you definitely should. Eat its eyeballs. Any soft organ you can find. It might give powers yeah that's the thing any organ or piece of it that could possibly give you you know powers i'd be checking under all those flaps also it's a flap for everything maybe i don't know or you like grind down their horns like you know like some people do with like rhinos and they say it's like boner medicine mystical china yeah you snort that shit up snort a dragon horn up fashion alone you wouldn't want a nice dragon vest

Just walking around town Dragon boots Dude it would be great with all those flaps You got pockets for days They open it up Like your ribs are there Your kidneys are behind you So Sean Connery picks everybody up

And then we go to Avalon Which is the final resting place of King Arthur And Dina Mayer has to convince Everybody has to convince Dennis Quaid to let the movie in Because so much of the middle of this movie Is him with his arms folded Like no

I want to keep on grifting and like, well, that part of the movie's past. We have to go and have the last fight with the bad guy. We're done. We're done with the fun and games portion. Yes. Yeah, totally. Like, raindrops are falling on my head. It's been playing like three times.

You've sundanced, kidded through the whole movie. It's time to end it. Somebody obviously did the math and said, look, there's 50 of us and 15 of them. Yes. There's 65 people that exist on this planet in this kingdom. So he wants to, like, not do this. But then he gets inspired by the ghost of King Arthur making a cameo appearance in this film.

Because there's some weird, like, knights of the round table graveyard that they're all hanging out at. They're just sleeping over in it. Extremely phallic. All I saw is just five or six dicks. Oh, absolutely. Just shooting right out of the ground. That's where all these big, broad-shouldered knights are buried. And this ghost is just like, no, Dennis Quaid, you should.

should end the movie sooner than later. Why are we dicking around in this graveyard? Just do the last battle and let's get over with. We all know you're going to do it. People in the audience are like,

fuck yeah, night ghost. These people want to take their ride home. They've got places to be tomorrow. Was the purpose like, oh yeah, finally this night is going to pick up his sword

And it was like, he really wasn't all that impressive to begin with. I think that's been. No, and I think that's the thing that was like, we have to remind him, like, King Arthur, like the best of all the nights, right? It's like, that's what you should aspire to be. Not this fucking carny drifter ripping people off with this dragon pony show. Dragons wear it a false mustache. Oh, no. Well, that's the other thing.

Like, how many times can you do this? Like, oh, no, I've seen that dragon. you kill that dragon? Like, no, no, that was my brother. RICO. You sure sound like that other dragon. Oh, it's all us dragons sound the same, eh? I get it.

You all die the same, too. Now show me that fucking flap. Flaps up. He didn't even put a lot of showmanship into it. He just had that little device that shoots an arrow that goes right through the dragon's heart every time.

He must have been like, well, why didn't we think of that? Oh, that is it? We just paid him a lot of gold. It's like when you like bring someone into your house to, like the super comes, you're like, oh, man, this problem with my shower. And then he comes in, he's like, oh, it's just this and tweaks a thing. And you're like, wow, that's really embarrassing. So these peasants are downtrodden.

They have miserable lives. They live under the thumb of an awful king. And here comes a knight, mind you. that terrorizes them with a dragon, squirches their homes, and then steals from them. And again, our hero.

That's right. That's what we're dealing with. Finally, he decides to end the movie. He's like, yeah, I'll join. Well, actually,

no, he takes, like, Dina Mayer is, like, training the peasants already in warfare. And then he shows up on a fucking white horse and is like,

hey, everybody, the night's here to save the movie. And it goes, yay! And he's walking around. Like, dumbest, slowest training montage ever. And it's just

a lot of him going like, you're doing that wrong. You're doing that wrong. Oh, that's real wrong. And all of a sudden, just for any reason P-Paswit's really good with the bow and arrow, which turns out with a thing. Just because it was convenient. And now he's killing

people. Oh, yeah, they're getting this monk to murder. Yeah. So we're waging war on this castle. Brian Thompson of X-Files fame. He was the alien shapeshifter. X-Files. He's in Highlander, I believe. Is he in Highlander, the first one?

He might be in the second one. This is Brock you're talking of. Brock? Big, really big guy. Yeah, Brock. Yeah, his name is Brock. Check your guide, Steve. Check your full-color guide. He could have been in anything. He was probably in Cull the Conqueror.

Oh, he might have been. He plays Shao Khan in that Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Oh, wow. Stay tuned. Yeah. But He comes, he rides down and he sees this training montage with all these peasants and a fucking dragon. He's like, oh, fuck. He goes downstairs and game of war is happening. He's like, that's not good.

Let's not forget. I'm finished. To this point in the movie, he's done nothing. Nope. He has done absolutely nothing. Him and Jason Isaacs. Yep. Literally have made appearances on the screen and you would assume that Jason Isaac would do something dastardly.

and that Brock as I would now refer to him Brian Thompson would have done some kind of feat of strength to show how somebody's head off yeah sure neither has happened

no I wish someone's head got ripped off just one head rip that's all we're asking and you know what we're not asking for much we're putting up with a Scottish fucking dragon the dragon should at least like swipe someone's head off

yes I don't have like a quip about it Our hero in training what I don't was there was there at just like a fleeting moment of some type of romance going on between Quaid and Meyer There's just a second it's where he's it's the old like no you got to hold it like this guy and they lock eyes yep they never kiss it was it because there's a there seemed to be a significant age difference between the two might not have been legal for the two of them because back then dude there were no laws really, right? If we're going for... 96th, it were. If we're going for realism in this medieval times picture. Absolutely.

Child brides out the ass. Well, that's the thing. She's an old hag. He's like, oh, that poor old... That hag. That is true. Well, that's the thing. The 12-year age difference, two actors change, like, two actors change, and that's it. Like, nobody

else has gray hair. Nothing. Dennis Quaid slowly turns into dog the bounty hunter, but that's as best as we're getting. So, yeah, we're storming the castle. Julie Christie kind of gets the idea, and she's like, oh, I'm going to employ all these dragon slayers, you idiot. Because once one of those dragon slers kills your dragon, you're fucking dead. Right.

That's the whole thing is it's actually kind of cool because she's like, I'm going to engineer my son's death. Yes. Because I'm going to hire the other four best dragon slayers in the world that we've never heard about until the moment they arrive in the movie. They don't have a fucking name. Nope. Between them. And the least intimidating slayers of any kind. The camera pans across them and they're, I think what I've literally shrugged his shoulders.

Like, yeah, I don't know. I was playing a farmer before, but now I got this horn hat on. So I guess I'm a dragon slayer. Hi, Mom. And they're easy to get to these dragon sliders because they're all unemployed. Exactly. They were like, wait, you need us to do what? There's one left?

Oh, you found it? Oh, shit. We got one! Well, I also feel like they all have like maybe three dragon kills between them and Quaid has like 58. Oh, yeah. They hate his guts for that, too. Oh, it's that fucking guy that took all our jobs. If there's six of them, three of them perish within minutes tripping over their own shoelaces. One of these guys gets...

I couldn't believe it. She just stabs one of these guys. Yeah, she just murders him. And he's just instantly dead. Who, Dina Mayer? The queen, right? She just kills one in cold blood. She's like, one less person to pay.

And, you know, I mean, the big fight happens, whatever. I don't know. I mean, it's where I question. Jason Isaacs gets killed by nobody. Oh, yeah. There's a nobody in this movie. Like, Dina Meyer is about to get murdered by him. He's like, oh, are you all going to help me escape?

you will and he's doing his best Draco Malfoy and of course he just gets rammed in the back by zero people and then she's just like oh thanks nobody and they shake hands and she goes one way and he goes the other way in this castle takeover

enjoy being an extra for the next rest of the movie I think the invisible man is also fighting in this oh yeah dude medieval invisible man it happened oddly enough even though there was such a lack of extras and people on screen at one time I've never seen so many people calling it in at the same time on scream.

Like, everybody's like, yeah. Like the same move that the dragon would do with the arrow under his armpit is what most of them were running around with swords. Absolutely. It's really haphazard just. It's bloodless. It's bloodless, which is unfortunate. I mean, there's definitely one part where, like, Dennis Quaid sticks his sword in some dude's back. Oh, that's heroic, right.

Yeah, yeah, right. And you see him pull it back out And it's just clean as a whistle Like that dude was a balloon And he just fucking popped him Anyone else noticed if Pete Possel's way Shot an arrow in somebody's asshole? Like it wasn't

He said oh I got to be the bum But like the way that arrow's position That's going up He got Gaddafi dude That's not the cheek That's in there Oh yeah Well that's what we learn

When he's doing like the target practice As he hits the dummy in the face And the guy's like Oh beginner's luck try it again And he shoots another arrow and it hits the dummy in the crotch. And Dennis Quaid's like, you're going to do just fine out there. The heroic quade is using two broad swords and this beautiful young poor peasant girl has basically what amounts to two spoons that she's trying to, like, could have been a more close range weapon. He teaches her how to use axes.

That's where like the romance part happens because he's like, why don't you try an axe, baby? And she picked that up, but quick. She's just like, oh, is that going to do anything? And he picks it up and throws it at this squash. And he's like, yeah, it will. So then the rest of the movie, she's just got these two axes, like, ready to go. This is one thing peasants like to do is waste food. Yeah, exactly.

There should have been some guy running up going, what do you fucking do it? That's my dinner. We have Wood, Bowen. Yeah. Ever heard of a log? Bowen is an asshole. What a fucking shit. I know you've got a lot of gold because you've grifted us all for years and years,

and we've just forgiven that. Speaking of which, where is that? Is he just carrying around a mountain of gold? There's no bank is there? I think he's got a hideout somewhere. He has some line of like, well, killing dragons feeds my belly and does, and puts clothes on my horse. And it's like, what are you fucking talking about? I love the two things he's concerned about is eating and putting shoes on his horse.

But that's it. He's going, you know, what do we say? Six city blocks? Like a square mile? How often do you replace those fucking hooks? Yeah, how expensive is either of those things? Got to shoot a horse again. You're playing targets.

You're playing target practice with all kinds of food. And you can give a fuck about a horse. At this point, Pete Possel's weight puts an arrow through Thuels's heart, right? And Draco drops down and they capture him. Yeah, he gets drag. dragon nap. Right. The slayers string him up there. And Julie Christie has a scene

with him where she's like, dude, I'm really sorry but I'm going to kill you now because that's the only way to kill the king. It's the weirdest scene in the movie though because Sean Connery like accepts the death. He's like, there's anyone around? And she's like, no. And he's like, okay, do it. I thought it was, I thought they seemed like they had a history together.

There are old pals. There is some sort of, there's a weird hinted history. You know, it was the first time they integrated the school dance dragons and humans could go to the same school. Remember that dance we had at the medieval high? But yeah,

I totally agree with you, Mark. He calls her by name. Oh, hey, Beverly. Lady Beverly. She's like you're looking well. He got the second base, I think. At least. Do you still listen to Leonard Skinner?

Makeout Ridge. Oh, you think she knows what's going on under that flap? Yes, she has looked under the flap. That lower flap. Yeah. Yeah, which flap? There's like nine flaps on a dragon. So she's like going to mercy kill him, you know what I mean?

He's ready to die tonight, dude. He should have just been murdered here. Yep. And she's about to, but Thulele's catches like, oh, how unmotherly of you. And then he goes. Because he's so evil in this movie. He actually, his. performance and look is exactly

like Terry Jones in Holy Grail, the scene where the John Cleese part where he comes in to save that little boyfriend. Lance a lot. Yes, yeah, yeah, he's like, slaughtering everyone. Yeah, he's like that boyfriend's like, well, one day, the song,

he's exactly that. And then he kills his mother off screen and I need that to be on screen. Yeah, there's just a shriek and it's like, you can't show me that. What's the worst he's doing to her? Yeah. That's just a dagger somewhere. Maybe he throws her off the castle or something. Oh, a good toss.

Oh, she fell. I love a good toss. Oh, yeah. I like to see someone fall off a castle and get their brains. You're still convinced that this guy is anything more than just kind of a dick. No, he's like, again, he did murder that guy, that blind guy. But other than that, what have we really seen him do? I mean, he did kill his mother now.

So that's, that's up there. Well, that haircut's pretty offensive. That's, that's what, that should be punishable by dad. is that that red flowing Lord Fauntleroy haircut. Well, he's like, oh, well now, Draco, you're going to live here forever and I'm going to be immortal. All right. That's his insurance policy. He's keeping him chained up.

Right. Like, keep him down in like this basement or whatever. Nobody's explained the rules of this thing yet. So all of a sense, like, wait, so he gets to be immortal? I didn't know that. It's really not that well defined. Like, you just see him get like what you would guess to be pretty. injured, but you're like, well, I guess you could

come back from that. Yeah. Or, like, he had, I think he has a fall at one point, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah. He falls out of something and you're like, oh, he takes a classic 90s stuntman fall. Like that, like, dude, had no place because nobody in medieval times would have fallen like this. You

wouldn't wave your arms. Oh, yeah, totally. It's, it's fucking rigs falling off that building with the dude at the first movie. Absolutely. You just missed a Wilhelm's that's all you needed when he falls up but that's the thing is so Dennis Quaid gets the whole situation explained to him after he knocks him out that window

and he's like no he's totally dead and you know Sean Carney explains like he's not dead until you kill me but to be fair he Dennis Quaid makes it so you know the king is ostensibly dead you know the peasants of storm the castle you know they've killed his 12 guards Brian Thompson got a fucking uh an axe through the heart which I I think is the only way to kill him, is what I've heard. Legend has it.

And we were all supposed to be marveled that he was taken down by a girl. But it's like, I don't know that he could even fight because we didn't see him do anything at all. We know nothing about this character. But he takes a real scatman crothers axe to the heart, though. But, you know, he explains the whole thing. He's like, well, if the king's deposed and, like, we've stormed the castle, we've won. That's it. Like, literally, put the guy in prison.

It's over. He's a dude to keep this dragon. There was like 15 times during the last 10 minutes of this movie. I was like, and the dragon could still live, and the dragon could still live, and the dragon could still live. Here's what we're not talking about, and I find it wholly unbelievable because this is set in the medieval times. What happens if you cut this dude's head off? Yes. We loved cutting heads off back then.

Especially a fucking crooked king, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. I'm an expert on cutting edge off. You are a medieval expert. We'd be talking about. a half game of throats books no i've read five oh he's uh finished at all yes but yeah like we loved cutting heads off back then cut that king's head off see what happens well here's what doesn't

the dragon at one point bite his own hand and it hurts the king's hand oh does that happen to yeah that happened then i was like so wait in in 12 years neither of them have ever gotten a paper cut like the king was never sitting around like ow How about, hey, how about this? How about when Quaid had his knife in the roof of the mouth of the dragon? Oh, right. Was the king at home? Like, oh, fuck, what is this?

That would have been great. They should have shown that. When we were, I didn't bring this up, but we were talking about that scene, but that entire time where he's got that sword up against the roof of his mouth, all I was thinking about, one of my greatest fears, eating a club sandwich and forgetting to take that toothpick out. Oh, man. Yeah, really, you hit home.

Because you swallow a toothpick, dude. You're dead in minutes. That's a true thing. is one of your greatest fears. Yeah, you know. My greatest fear is a tiny knight putting a knife up to my throat. Get out of my mouth, sir, ant, man.

That is exactly the type of thought, someone who would read the Dragon Heart DVD sleeve on the train would have. These greatest fear is someone that would bring about the extinction of all dragons. And so it's actually, the whole thing happens

like really suddenly. It's like, you know, here comes David Thuleus out of the ashes like fucking Jason. And he's like, oh no, there he is. They were right. And he just hucks this axe into the dragon's heart. But he helps him because he

lifts the flap. You know you want to. Flap, flap. Here's what's odd. What would have made sense is at one point Thulis has Dina Meyer as a hostage with a knife against her. He does, though. Now you've got a Mexican standoff. Sure. I got to kill

the dragon. You drop. I save the chick. She gets free. Again, dragon can live. And here he comes marching over to the knife like you could have just tackled this guy. Yeah, he's a scrawny weasel, man. That's what he

bites his hand. It's like he's got the knife to her and he bites the dragon. Oh, Sean Conner bites his hand so he drops the knife. Is that what it is? Oh, I don't remember that time we both had diarrhea. I don't know where, oh, man, what are you eating, King? I can't believe it.

Dude, there is a moment speaking to, like, what he eats or whatever, where, like, I don't know how it comes up. They're talking about how they're hungry or some nonsense. And Dennis Quaid's like, all right, didn't you have enough nights back there or whatever? And he's like, I never swallowed a person. Or I don't even think he has a person. I think the line is like, I never. swallowed. And I was like, what's that dragon?

Pardon me? Now get your butt hole off, be tugged. King Einan, you must have got your pecker sucked last night. Never had a better sleep in my life. Whoa.

Do the orgasms are transferring? They could also. It has to be. He bites his hand. So he could literally have just kept biting his hand and then legs for just a couple of minutes. Incapacitate the kid. Just keep chewing on himself gets tossed in in iron for the rest of his life dragon gets to live everybody lives half what the brilliant night instead of even trying to at once sacrifice himself

just chucks that night that let me just finish the job he's not even looking at his new best friend to say goodbye while this happened i would like i'm at the end of the movie through it like after he bites his hand he's like oh wait i think i could do this and he's He starts to breathe fire. Like, that's what you want. That's a fucking five-star movie right there. Maybe he just turns it to the Charles dance at the end of Golden Child. I was going to say, I mean, you know, the dragon looked bad enough.

I don't think we could make David Thuleus breathe fire nicely enough. I don't know. So this dragon's dead and the king dies. And then. And Andrews weep. And I start burst in the tears because this song comes up. And this fucking dragon soul, which kind of just looks like an animated swarm of bees, like goes up into the stars into like the Draco constellation. And all these stars start swimming around and you're just like, wait, so are these sons like moving around?

How are these stars dancing in the sky? Millions of people have died. Yeah, who knows what like what galaxies those are surrounding? It's an eight-step process too. like i've seen we've all seen that that thing done before where you know it's usually a lot more subtle it's like maybe a tree blows yeah but this literally like a million stars literally formed his face like it was actually Sean Connery's face that then winked yeah beard and all just winked at it you're the man now dog but yeah dude he's just going up there and the

whole village is just watching and it's like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da And I'm like, oh, my fucking drag die. And Pete Paulus is going to give some bullshit epilogue that's really rushed, too, by the way. It's like he's on his way out. He's like putting his shirt on, and then, Draco, whenever you look up in the sky, you knew that he would only be there to protect us. Talk to you later, everybody. Yeah, he's like, over the next few years, there was some hardships, and everything kind of worked out. And shut the lights off on every way out.

I'm going to get my cab fare reimbursed for this. There's no thing about like now Dennis Quaid, you're the new king or anything like that. Would you wouldn't want that fucking asshole? No, they said that he's the king. Oh, do they? He and she rule with equanimity and horseshit. Oh, that's fantastic. He really did ramble for that.

It's so quick. They had many children that were very beautiful. And, um, oh, I'm sitting on my keys. Oh, yeah. He's like, so what? So I'm playing a dragon? Is that what's going on? No, no.

I mean, that's the end of the movie. The most unbelievable thing, though, is at the end of the credits, there's just, and it's not a stinger, there's no sequel set of. There's just a line that's like, also enjoy the Dragon Heart video game. And I was like, I bet that was fucking garbage. 1996 is, I mean, are we even at- It was on Sega Saturn. Are we at N-64 at that point, 96? No, Saturn was before.

Saturn was kind of, I mean, so this thing's coming out on, like, Sega's, Saturn, the fucking Jaguar, maybe. You could have been 64, I think, at that time. Possibly. I think you're right around that time. In 96? It was going to be bad. Oh, yeah.

Oh, guarantee it's a bad video game. If it's Super Nintendo, it might be kind of fun. That's how they made video games. No, I think it was PlayStation and Saturn. Oh, I guess PlayStation was probably around then. What I do remember... What I do remember watching is the making of this film or like an HBO 30-minute? Were you watching it on a train?

On my iPhone. I'm just elbowing the guy next to me. Like, check it out. Check it out of this. Making a dragon heart. Technology, huh? But they couldn't get over the fact that they had to, this is the big thing is that the actual dragon was two long poles with tennis balls on the end.

Oh, yeah. his eyes. So the actors had something to focus on. And I felt back while I was watching, it was like, you might as just save the money on the tennis balls and not bothered. Because everybody sucked in this fucking movie. Oh, absolutely.

There was actually the one really disheartening thing about it was when they first Dis dragonhearted. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. When they first set out to make this movie, the fucking Hansen Company was on board to make a puppet dragon. Yes. And then it got set back like

years or something and that never happened. Well, Rob Cohen was like, dude, Jurassic Park, man, and like CGI shit, bro. We can do it. It'll take 20 years. Don't worry, people will still totally love dragons at that point. No, they were

going to fucking dust off some dark crystal shit and be like, oh, it's brand new. They sew some puppets together. Like, it's a dragon now. It's just 37 fragles. Why does that have David Bowie's face. No reason.

37 frangles with David Bowie's face and it's just like, kill me. Kill me. I don't want to live. Oh, what a wreck. Would anybody recommend this movie? No. It's actually about as long as the usual suspects,

but not nearly as engaging. No twist ending. The funny thing is on the IMD or maybe it's by production notes. Sean Connery only did three voice sessions In and out Sean Connery was Fucking tell too

Yeah it's a piece of shit Well if that's the case I think Dennis Quaid did two Did two sessions I gotta think one take I think I read somewhere on IMDB This movie took like six months To shoot or something

Christ on a cross Yeah something horrendous like that I guess In his downtime Dennis Quaid was flying to Paris To visit Meg Ryan While she was making Forget Paris

with Billy Crystal. Remember that movie? Clearly something else was on his mind. No, French Kiss. Oh, French Kiss. You're totally right with Kevin Klein. Forget Paris was with Julie Cavner. Oh, right. Good call. That is, it's Billy Crystal, though. And he's the NBA ref. Yes. I've seen that movie 150 times for no good movie. I've never heard of that movie. Forget Paris? Yes. Did you watch because the Knicks were in it? Yeah. French Kiss. I'm familiar. Mark, would you recommend this film?

No, I couldn't possibly, it was, it was infuriating. The plot holes alone, I could get past the acting and the schmaltz, but the plot holes were just like, it doesn't make sense. You're advancing these relationships with no basis whatsoever. This is extremely lazy. I'm going to say yes in 1996. And if you ever, if you ever visit, you know. If you ever go check out 1996?

But in 2015, I'm going to say no. I think I might be the voice of dissent here. Crying aside, what I do appreciate... I think if a movie moves you to tears, you have to recommend it. And let's be clear, by the way, I wasn't bawling my eyes out.

I was just a little, like, choking over a little. I mean, that happens. It's like when you see, like, a dog die, you know, you know. Right. But I watch dogs die all the time. I teared up at that fucking... What was the Matthew McConaughey sports movie?

where everybody dies in a plane crash? Oh, yeah. Moneyball. No. We are Marshall. Dude, I teared up at that and then I turned that movie off. I was like, fuck this movie. Did you get off during the early stages of that? Yeah, yeah.

Like, where it's just like everybody dies and everybody's sad. You must have a sensitive state. I was just like, what am I doing? I'm not going to sit here and cry at a Matthew McConaughey movie. Dude, I teared up with that movie, and then I continued watching, and I teared up again. Is that the most embarrassing chokeup you ever had? What, this movie? Yeah.

I feel like there's got to be something. I mean, this is pretty bad, but there's those moments where I'm just kind of like, oh, you fucking idiot, here it comes, pussy. My soul had so shut off during the midway point in this movie that I couldn't have cried. And I did recognize. I was like, wow, this is really emotional music and it couldn't do it. I think the most emotional Ira choked up, I think, was the Sandra Bullock 28 days. Oh, where she's in rehab?

Yeah, that chick starts crying towards the end. And damned if I can't watch Sandra Bullitt cry without crying myself. I just cannot do it. Eric, when the last time you cried? You know, this is, this is stupid as well. But I think it was like rewatching years and years later. Edward Scissorhands. Oh, yeah.

Towards that end. Yeah, he gets persecuted, man. It's just not fair. Yeah. But I'd say my recommendation. Oh, wait, did you? Wally, I was just like, oh, that fucker better find a friend.

Oh, yeah. And then it turns into a fun Pixar movie, but that first, like, 40 minutes is pretty brutal. Oh, absolutely. It just tears your soul in pieces. Well, he has no soul, so. That's what you think, and that's why you watch that movie all wrong. Oh, you'd be one of those fucking mulleted fucks that beat up Chappie, aren't you?

I could tell. Send me at Chappie. I'll be one of the first goons to go in. I swear, Chappie, was right on the tip of my tongue because when you said Edward Cisorhands getting persecuted, I thought

of... Did you cry during Chapman? I didn't see it, but I knew, I know, I was like, they're going to torture this poor, lovable robot. Just like they did in Short Circuit. Oh, yeah. Just like they did in Robocop. It's a pattern and I don't want to be a part of it.

It's always like, it's always like it's, I remember the one in Short Circuit, I think two. Yeah. Was it Don Rickles. Stay tuned, by the way. Wait, is Don Rickles in short circuit, too? Who's that guy? Don Rickles is like talking to him. I wasn't Todd Rickles?

Was it Fisher Stevens? Dude, if Johnny Five got a dressing down to Don't, no, no, bald guy. He was like an executive type, older guy. Well, I don't know. It's not Don Rickles. He's got a crow bar and he's whacking short circuits. I remember what you're talking about it. Then impales him.

Yes. Dude, we love brutalizing robots. And he's a sweet, lovable. When I saw the commercial, I was like, Chappie wants to help. I was like, oh, Chappie, you have no idea what's in store for you. I saw that other one. I saw, what was the other one, the alien one? Where they just, they just massacre those innocent aliens.

Same director. Chappie. Oh, District 9. And again, why? Why don't have to watch these poor things being ripped apart. That settles it. I haven't seen Chappie yet. Well, I guess you're going to now for the robot abuse.

use alone and Hugh Jackman's mullet. Oh yeah. He's got a sick mullet in that movie. He does. He likes robot movies. He does. He likes fighting robots. Real steel? Yeah. You seen it? No. See it. Why? For show purposes? Maybe. Did you cry during real steel? No, but it's like two and a half hours

long. And I did see it. I cried during the trailer of steel. Oh, Shaquille. That's Dragonheart from 1996, directed by our four Pete filmmaker Rob Cohen at this point. Four and counting. We're not done. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. But just as of now, we've only made fun of four of his movies. I'm looking at you, Dragon Emperor.

Is that what? Oh, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Yeah, Mummy 3. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag. we all hate movies at gmail.com what's your favorite dragon movie or inappropriate times you've

cried at movies that's also the theme of today's embarrassing tales for me uh right to view the show wherever you get it we would greatly appreciate a clue for next week's episode keanu reeves oh my god last scene on the show in johnny mnemonic so it won't be that it can't be that no it's not going to be point break either that fucking remakes a about to be a worst of whatever year that shit comes out. Worst of my life. We're about due for a Dragonheart reboot, actually. That's oddly enough.

Dude, there's a third one. They've made two sequels. Oh, right. Isn't it like Ben Kingsley in it or something? Ben Kingsley's in one of them. Ben Kingsley will be in your YouTube video. So you have to be a night to be in these films. You actually have to be.

They need one night in each film. Dude, Dragon Heart 4, the musical starring Paul McCartney. Dragon Heart 5 starring Sir Elton John. I would pay good money for me. So until next week, when we're talking about A. Keanu Reeves movie, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siskin. Stephen Sadek. And Mark Sadek.

Take it easy.