We Hate Movies - S5 Ep213: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Episode Date: July 21, 2015

On the penultimate episode of the 2015 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza, the gang tackles possibly the worst adaptation of Alan Moore's work yet, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! Why does Mr. Hyde look like a giant man-ape? What's with Dorian Gray being such a sleaze? And who in their right mind was asking for Tom Sawyer?! PLUS: The gang bids a fond, if temporary, farewell to one of their own. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen stars Sean Connery, Naseeruddin Shah, Peta Wilson, Tony Curran, Stuart Townsend, Shane West, Jason Flemyng, and Richard Roxburgh; directed by Stephen Norrington. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskin. Steven Sadek. And we hate the League of Extraordinary gentlemen. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this is the last in-studio summer blockbuster extravaganza,

as we've been telling you on the internet gang. Next week's the Green Lantern Live. But right now, we're talking about the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen from 2003, directed by Blades Stephen Narrington. Yeah, doing this one and then releasing Greenlandtreeks before we go on breaks. Kind of like calling out sick right before. the 4th of July weekend, which I might do. FYI work.

Everybody sees it for what it is and like, oh, I got sick right before 4th July. Oh, your poor tummy, you've got to throw up a lot to make room for all those hot dogs, you fat fuck. Well, people want to listen to the Green Lantern. They do. Right? Yeah, and everybody put the fire in your pants out because the audio quality is professional. grade. So let's not all shitting our rompers about that.

If you got a problem with it, talk to the hands. You could go tell the captain, actually. Oh, you might want to go talk to the captain. Just talk to the captain. Just talk to captain. So anyway, this is directed by the dude who directed Blade and like two other things that

nobody cares about. Such a better movie. Oh, leaps and bounds. Well, let me tell you, you're working with a better script. Sure. I wouldn't say a better comic. I should say I can't say a better comics. I never read any Blade comics, but I do really like those first two volumes of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, of which the first volume is what this movie is based off of loosely. Chris, isn't Blade your favorite movie of all time? All the time. You've referenced

it in about 91% of the episodes. It's like, oh, it's like the end of Blade. Everyone's like, why? Or it's like, you know, that one note and the score to Abraxas sounded a lot like the Well, I will say the final boss of this movie does look a lot like the end villain of Blade. Yeah, it's true. The Blood Monster. It looks, I'm just enamored by

the Blood Monster. This is a Blade intervention. Oh, I see. We're not doing an episode right now. You tricked me here with beer and sausages. What's wrong with you? To tell you, you've got to stop talking about that Daywalker. And we are very disrespectfully recording your intervention.

son of a bitch so this is based off the comic which is alan moore you know from hell swamp thing watchman and he was so happy that it happened oh yeah like that that warlock that warlock is excited about everything that guy's casting a spell right now while fucking filing his fingernails on a gigantic concrete wheel that's spinning around like the demon and insidious that's what i picture allan moore's house looks like uh also credit to kevin o'neal who did the art and also cashed a check for this movie. Oh, sure. Oh, really?

Yeah, oh, yeah. Well, this was the movie where I think this is... What does the art have to do with it? This movie looks like horseshit. It does. No, I mean, the art of the book is really great. It is very great. Yeah.

But this is like, I think Alan Moore was like trying to ignore this movie. Like, he cashed the check. It was like, ah, you know, if I just don't care about it, it's fine. And then he heard about it, and then he stopped doing that. Yeah. And now he, like, basically gives the money to the artist

because he's so fucking cool. It's still a dick. I don't know. It's weird because, like, yeah, it's your baby and whatever, but he makes such a big fucking show. Oh, yeah. Everybody doesn't want to be part of this movie. Everybody's got to hear about it from fucking day one of the production.

I read three separate articles when Watchmen came out. Three separate fucking things he had to say about it. Yeah, he had some opinions about that movie, didn't he? Not to say it didn't blow, but. Yeah, and he doesn't watch the movies either, right? No, he refuses, yeah. I would watch them. I think he's got to be watching those movies.

He's secretly watching those movies. He's got to do something when he's spinning that wheel. That takes a long time to carve those. Sweighing over that cauldron all day. I mean, once you've bound a demon to this earthbound realm, you've got to do something with him. That from hell movie's a piece of shit, too. Oh, man, it's garbage.

The Hughes Brothers, thanks, but no thanks, bros. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Possibly, yeah. Why not? Heather Graham is a London prostitute. Yeah, no thanks. So this movie, if anyone doesn't remember it or isn't familiar with the comic line, this is where they take a bunch of public domain literary characters and make them The Avengers in 1890.

And don't worry, they're going to explain all of what they are to you, dude, very thoroughly. Dude, this movie presumes that no one has read a book ever. It's down to explaining what a vampire is. It's so obnoxious. It's like if you had The Avengers and it's like we get to see Toe Tony Stark in the cave again. Building that thing from scraps. This movie, and I point this out every time it happens,

and I think it's only with 20th century Fox being guilty of it, because this happens in, what's that Dennis Quaid weather movie? Day after tomorrow. Yeah, where it freezes, the logo freezes. Oh, yeah, now it's all steampunk. It turns like steampunk, foggy old Londontown horse shit, and then like we just tilt down into the world, and I was like, so am I to believe?

that that 20th century Fox logo is just on top of a building? It's like the opening scene from Darkwing Duck it's really bad and like all of this like I've never felt the time as far as effects go I haven't felt it this bad in a long

time. It's rough you mean as far as like effects not holding the test of time? Oh yeah and like you can feel the green screen like when they're using green screen it's so clear it's amazing. Well they're really lazy in this movie it's not like oh well how are we going to do Mr. Hyde I guess we'll use CGI it's like, well, how are we going to film a library? I guess we'll do CGI.

And it's like, well, actually, you can just go to a fucking library. No, I'm sorry, where are you going to get all those books and put them on a set? Of course you're using a computer. Come on. Hell, you're a high school library at that point. You don't even have to, like, fool me that much. That'd be great. It's like, they're just panning through, and it's like, go rams.

And a little pennant. So we start out in this movie. There's some Joker-esque robberies that are happening. It's a big dub bank robbery. Yeah, it's like the cold old. Yes, yeah, in a big old tank. That the London authorities are thinking is from Germany, that Germany has attacked London and robbed this bank.

Well, they don't think that until the door opens and a bunch of Germans come out yip-yapping. That's true. And they're like, oh, Germans. What are you going to do? Were you driving a tank? You can't get a tank for one country into another without somebody noticing. And it's like really fast, too.

And nobody knows what this thing is. Like, what the fuck it? They're like shooting. It's a dragon. Because it's 1899. This shouldn't exist yet. There's a ton of this. And like the comic has it to, but the like technology that's not there yet, but these guys have it is what we're doing.

And you got to figure, like, how are you getting? Because when we're introduced to this tank, it like comes out of a building. So it's like, was there a drill, like a technodrome-esque drill that like it shot up through the basement or something? I've given you unlimited technology from Dimension X. I feel like it's like the... You know Crang was helping out. I feel it's like that drill car from Die Hard with a Vengeance when they're getting into the depository.

I think it's like they have to have one of those in front at least. Nils is dead, fuckhead. Hitler, put down those paint brushes. There's work to be done. We got to knock off a bank in 1890. I just like the idea of him in the bunker cursing Crague. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for that stupid pink brain. No, he's like, oh, don't worry, Eva.

Crang will save us with his teleport rain. Come on. Just look at his wards. He's building his bodysuit. It will save us all. She's like, I choose suicide. So we come to find out that these robberies are, led by a gentleman named the Phantom.

And don't worry, it is spelled with an F, not a P.H. Well, I guess he's supposed to sort of be like the Phantom of the Yomber. Really? Yeah. Because of the mask? And he's like got scars on his face. I thought this was one of your comic book characters.

Well, they're all literary characters turned into comic book characters. Right, okay. Phantom of the Opera, Robin the Bank. All right. Get back to playing your organ, please. And don't worry, Sean Connery does that one. So at one point, say, oh, it's very operatic. Oh, man, I missed that one.

Fucking puns in this movie. I did not realize that. You guys made me hate this movie even more. I had no idea. Dude, with the puns in this movie, it's like the fucking screenplay was written by Pee We Herman. It's outrageous. Man, it would be a better movie.

No, this was at best scripted by Cherry. Bewee, I wrote a movie. That's great, Cherry. How did you use the keyboard chair? You just got two armrests. Voice type. It's also used for people with disabilities. Oh, disabilities.

That's the word of the day. Oh, man. So then they rob us like, the phantom kind of looks like Dr. Doom meets Captain Lou Albano a little bit. Kind of got a Van Helsing thing to him as well. I mean, it's disgusting. And Destro from, what do you call it there, from G.I. Joe.

Oh, yeah. Silver mask there. So then, like, he goes and robs a bank in Germany or some other nonsense. So it's like, then through a series of spinning newspapers, it's like, tensions mounting between England and Germany. It's way too early for spinning newspapers. You got to get me into the world before this. One of the headlines is, not us, says Germany. That's my favorite headline.

My favorite one is one that comes after that. It's like, it's something else. And then under that, it's like, more German lies. Also, more German lies. I think it's Europe on the brink, more German lies. Yes. Yes. But you got to give me 24 minutes before we start spinning newspapers.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, I got to get my feet on the ground. Totally. Like, this plays out sort of like a cold open of like a Batman the animated series episode. Yeah. But then we're spinning newspapers. And it's like, no, I'm not there. yet well it's just more of the same of like better ways to give me information and you

choose the laziest one so then it's cut to africa um and this is annoying we're cutting all over to these different countries here and there every single time we do it we're reminded that it's 1899 every single time just in case you forgot it's like what are we going to jump to like the 40s and then back again it's also in dialogue too like Sean Connery will be like, it's 1899. Oh, we keep talking about how we're at the turn of the century. Every chance we get in this movie. That's why everything looks like shit.

Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1899. What does that exactly mean? I'm going to pass out in an opium den. Well, that's a great thing. But you should mention that. Go ahead. Well, we're going to say the same thing. Sean Connery's character, Alan Kortamine, was in,

in the Allen Moore comic was an opium addict and Connery's like well I'm not doing that shit that's not croak and which this this movie caused it was like a loser goes home match and it ended in a draw because it was Sean Connery

and Stephen Norrington both retired from their professions after this yeah he's Stephen Norrington swore off directing movies after this I did not know that I knew that Connery but he like he also makes music and sculpts, so he's been on credits for, like, art departments

and things like that. Oh, he's been sculpting? Yeah. Or, like, you know, making props and stuff, but he does not direct movies anymore. Also, he directed that. I mean, I feel like that's also not totally intentional, maybe. Yeah, he said, he's like, I'm choosing not to direct a movie. Sean Connery is on one end of the ladder, and

Stephen Dorrington was on the other one, and it toppled, it toppled, before they could reach the belt, then they fell and passed out. So let's go over our cast of characters. We have Sean Connery as Alan Quartermaine being paid $17 million for them. No, you're fucking kidding me. Oh my God. It's just, it basically bankrupt the movie in terms of casting because that's why nobody else is in this movie.

Like nearly nobody else is in this movie. Money is coming to me. There's something of a Hollywood urban legend, right, behind of why he did this movie. The Matrix thing. Apparently Matrix and Lord of the Rings, according to IMD. He was offered Lord of the Rings. As what? I have no idea. Well, I'll only do it if I am the Lord of the Rings.

Sure, yes. Come right in. You are the Lord of the Rings. Actually, we kind of wanted you just to voice one of the trees. Or now reading for the role of Sam Wise. Oh, man. Steve and I were talking about this before you guys got there. It's just got to be Sauramon, right?

That's really all it could be. And he was offered, with Matrix, he was offered the architect. Oh, really? Yeah. He's like, what the fucking script made no sense? And they were like, yeah, we know. Well, wasn't he originally offered Morpheus? No, I said that one time on an episode and just was full of shit.

Yeah, no, it was the architect. I learned that while doing research for that horrendous Matrix Revolutions movie. I want to put me in a fucking mocap shoot to play something called Gallum. Oh, man. Take that Andy Circus. Way better. My precious. Why is Ghalm always sitting down?

Because I'm fucking tired. I must have it. Why is Gullum asleep? Why is Ghalm always wearing slacks? Is Gullum slurring? Is that really appropriate? I think Ghalm would enjoy a good belt of scotch right now. Hey Frodo we'll get to the ring tomorrow

Let's have a good lie down My precious My precious Whatever the fuck my precious So because he passed off on those two Big franchises He decided this next one was coming his way He's going to bite down into it

Jump in bare ass naked Yeah Dragon Heart 2 didn't really They couldn't get it off the ground before he retired Oh yeah that's true Those sequels came way later So it's him doing that. We got Stuart

Townsend as Dorian Gray. Speaking to people that aren't in the Lord of the Rings. That guy was fucking fired. Was he fired? Oh, yeah. He was fired as Erdogan first. They fired him. Thank God. They fired him and brought in Vigo Mortensen. Like, Stuart

Townsend's career, I feel like he was always just about to make it. You know what I mean? Like, he definitely was in them running for Bond at some point, I'm sure. Like, oh, that, that's Stuart Townsend's kind of sexy and kind of cool. Or just any, like, British spy movie. Like any random spy movie.

Oh, the Kingsman. Yeah, he could have been in the... Oh, God, that fucking movie. Dude, that, uh, man from uncle looks like man from the fucking toilet. The man from garbage. Oh, my God. It's an acronym, too, right? Yeah.

T-O-I-L-T. The man from toilet. Dude, fucking Guy Ritchie, get a clue. Yeah, no thanks. Yeesh. Stop giving him money. Nope. You can't fail once you.

your name, period. So Stewie Townsend is Dorian Gray and even more explaining things is like, they're like, all right, Americans definitely have not read Oscar Wild. These fucking popcorn hogs have no idea what the portrait of Dorian Gray is about. So we're going to spend a whole lot of time explaining how this works. A tenth of it is just explaining what the picture of Dorian's great about this is. There's all these books I don't have to read. now. This movie gave me everything. Dude, this movie is a shit-stained,

great illustrated classics. Found this in the bathroom might make a good movie. Somebody drew a bunch of nudie pictures all over the other ones. Animated classic, I think it could be. Here's a hint.

Twas me. Throw on all the nudie picks. Speaking of nudie picks, here comes Peter Wilson as Mina Harker. Yep. The only woman in the movie, as far as I can tell, there might be a woman in the background. I don't think there's any other women that speak in this movie. Speak, no.

I don't know if there's any women background actors. And everyone's looking at her ass. Like, everyone in the movie at one point is just like, oh, hey, say, look at that. Oh, that's a sexier one. Man, Jason Fleming cannot hide it. Like, it's really bad. Which one's Jason Fleming? Dr. Hyde.

Oh, well, Mr. Hyde. Jekyll was the one who had his Ph.D. they're that's the cup they were they were kind of hinting at a relationship maybe flowering there it's like the Hulk and uh black widow yeah but like this is one of those things too where the reason a lot of these characters wind up in this is because they're all public domain yeah yeah but like we're not saying dracula nope we're definitely not fucking saying dracula in this movie didn't they say dracula she got bitten by dracula so it's not like dracula's definitely not gonna be dracula yeah but i don't Is the word Dracula uttered? Absolutely. Is it? I had the subtitles on. Oh, because I knew that, I mean, they used Jonathan Harker and they say Dr. Van Helsing.

I didn't think we were paying for Dracula. Okay. The Invisible Man is the one that's a knocker. Yes, that's changed. Yeah. They didn't want to pay for Holly Griffin, who's the actual Invisible Man, because that estate. Why don't they just go for Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man? Get a black guy on the team, right?

Stop being ridiculous. It's 2003. It's 2003, and we're portraying 1899. So, yeah, there's an invisible man, and he's like a chimney sweep pickpocket or something. What does this dude's problem? I also want to say I know that Invisible Man is not about actually an invisible man.

Oh, the Ralph Ellis is going to be. Yes, yes. Well, that was the whole basis of the joke. Don't explain your jokes. True. Stand by your jokes. I can't. Fucking coward.

Coward! Yeah, he's just like some guy, oh, I nicked it from the original Miss Invisible Man, I did. Oh, I'm such a sneaky little bugger. I got his little formula. I made myself invisible so I could steal things.

Fucking, who cares? Piece of shit rip-off character. Yeah, nobody care. And then, um... Some dude as Captain Nemo. Captain Nemo, the guy from Monsoon Wedding, I want to say. Oh, is he in Monsoon Wedding? That movie's okay, and then it's like, oh, yeah, my uncle molested me.

And then that wedding, the wedding reception gets ruined. Yeah, it's kind of nuts. Well, because we're all just having a great time, and it's a beautiful Miranayor movie. And then it's like, I was molested. And I'm like, fucking no, not this movie. What a showdown in the third act of that film. Well, yeah, it gets a little dark. But I think this dude is my favorite character

Probably, yeah Nemo, yeah Yeah Well, who's your favorite character, Eric? Some background actors The end credits Yep, I think you nailed it there, Steve I cheered when they came on

I think the witch doctor at the end maybe Oh yeah, that dude's pretty good too So we get, yeah So Captain Nemo And he has somewhere along his travels acquired Ahab from, or Ishmael, rather, from Moby Dick as his first mate for some reason. This is the thing. I don't know why I wasn't more bothered by this in the comic book. I guess because it's a little more subtle in the comic book, but in this movie, when we're making all of these inside jokes, I'm just like sighing at every last one of them.

Because it has nothing to do with what's going on. You're like, just stop doing that. It's just like, it's just some, it's like some fat guy, like giving you old elbow in the theater. Like, yeah. Did you get that one? It's like, it's like, oh, if someone looks back at this and sees what we're doing in a few hundred years, they'll be like, wow, I didn't, I couldn't believe all those guys were together. Oh, we forgot our favorite character, Tom Sawyer. Because he shouldn't be in the movie.

Tom Sawyer. FBI agent, Tom Sawyer. God damn it, dude. Yeah, invented for this. It's not in the Allen Moore book. Right. this is they're adapting the rush song is that what's going on

yes he's a modern day warrior yeah it is a personification of the rush song that'd be great if like and you know you could you know steam punk it up a little bit you know get a little piano go whatever he does something that would be pretty cool actually your final his final you know shootout

that starts playing I'm in and he's played by forgotten cable personality West. Yep. What was he in? One Tree Hill. He's also in Salem now, I think.

Oh, who's watching that? Anybody? No. No. That's one of those things. It's like that first season's on Netflix, and I'm like, maybe. You know what I may-beed? Is that Bates Motel?

You can fucking shove it. No, I can't do it. What a piece of shit that show is. It's a lot of crap. It's a lot of crap. It's from A&E. Yeah. There you go.

Vera Farminga is the most obnoxious character on that show. It's just a lot of like, okay fine, Norman. I get it, Norman. Fine. You hate your mother. And I'm like, wait, is she the mother? She plays Norma. Nope. And it's Freddie Highmore plays Norman. And he's actually okay. And the rest of the show is fine. But whenever she

is on screen, you just want to fast forward. It's so terrible. Little Neverlands pretty good. Little Neverland. Was he also August Rush? I believe he is August Rush. Was that Freddie Highmore? What can't you get Peter Pan in this movie? Speaking of which. Agent Pan, you know?

That's kind of cool. Because I feel like have we dabbled into that much magic? Because this is all like science magic. What you could equate as like science. No, Dorian Gray is he's... Oh, I got a magic painting. You're right. And Oscar Wilde is just

spinning somewhere. You're totally right. If you don't want to do too much magic, get Captain Nemo there to go up against Captain Hook at some point. Like a dark horse candidate at the end of this movie suddenly Captain Hook comes out of here.

Well, that would be better than the big fucking cop out that we get at the end of this movie is who the villain is. Oh, God, fuck that. So did we get everybody? Oh, then you got, well, later on, we get to Mr. Hyde. But so, all right, so we start with Sean Connery in Africa, and he's

recruited by this dude. He's like, oh, hey, you know, the queen needs you to do some shit, you know, come back for a queen and country. I gave up all of that a long time ago. Oh, yeah. You know what? I was actually envious of Alan Quatermain at the start of this movie because he's got a dude pretending to be Alan Quatermain to like shoe away people. Wouldn't that be great if someone's like looking for you? And you just were able to have somebody be like, yeah, I'm Andrew.

I do that and we hit movie shows. Yeah, who do you get to do it? Cabin plays you? No, Chris Hemsworth. It's a good Howard Hughes move. You know, you got that much money? Fuck it, yeah, I'm going to have somebody pretend to be me. Some old rummy, it's great.

Yeah, meanwhile, I'll be pissing in jars. Yeah, I can just do whatever fuck I want, man. That guy gets shot in the heart for his troubles at this movie. It's pretty great. You're darn right he does, because these assassins just come in out of nowhere. This dude is like, the dude who's like trying to do the hiring is like, they're indestructible! And Sean Connery's like, they've got chest plates on.

I could literally see it. I'm a hundred years old. I can tell why the bullets are bouncing off of them. And he is just shooting this place up. He kills all these dudes because even though he's like a hundred, he's still the world's best shot, the best assassin. I didn't read any of King Solomon's minds or any of the other quarterman tales. So I don't know what the deal.

You were watching the Richard Chamberlain movie the other day. Well, yeah, I've seen both of those movies. And honestly, the Lost City of Golds. I mean, those movies, really, those movies are just. knockoffs of Indiana Jones. That's what it is. But Lost City of Gold, I think, is a stay tuned. Oh, really? Sharon Stone.

Ooh. Yeah. Speaking of things no one remembers. It's a lost artifact called Sharon Stone. So, you know, this dude, this recruiter, you know, for NC

State, like brings Alan Corman down into this basement, like, back in England. I guess they're in London. Do they specify ever? No, but this is one of your fake libraries where it's so CGI. Yeah. And so he's like, oh,

here's this dude you got to talk to. And his name is M. And I'm like, oh, well, it's way too early to be a James Bond reference. So it's just this dude. And he's like, I'm M. And here's... Well, it is kind of a James Bond. In the comics,

like, he is... There's another character they cut from this movie called Campion Bond, who's like, Great, great, great, grand James Bond, and M, he reports to M. So it kind of makes more sense there. It does, but that's what I'm saying. Yeah, in this movie, though, it doesn't.

No, it does not. It's just like some dude calling himself M, and you're like, whatever. And he's, right away, he's just like, well, I'd like you to join the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. And I was like, what, really? Like, you figure that's one of those things where it's, like, at the end, some other guy is like, well, that's a league of Extraordinary Gentlemen. and then the invisible man goes,

Oh, wait a minute! And then it's credits. What can I tell you? I had to file an LLC. It was the whole thing. I had to get, I mean, I can't just, you know, not have a title. So, you know, he explains what's going on. And the first of two instances in this movie

where they just, like, cut and someone else is standing in the room, all of a sudden, here's Captain Nemo, just like in this library. And you're like, you weren't there a second ago when there was this huge wide shot of this library. And he's like, How's it going? And this is the other thing that I don't like that they do in this movie. And I don't remember if they do it in the comic.

Well, I think of the comic, there's no origin story. They're all just like there. Yeah. But this is all like, there are all of them going, oh, well, I've read an awful lot about you. Oh, yes. Well, I've read an awful lot about you. And I'm like, no one's reading these fucking stories. All of those nonfiction novels of all of your adventures.

I think Alan Quartermain's just, like, having a stroke on the floor in Africa, and this is just like what he's seen before he dies. All the books that he's read. No, it's the opium. No, he had an opium hit, and this is his fever dream. Yeah, this is his overdose dream before he dies. Precisely. Oh, and in this universe, I'm not an opium addict.

I'm just a regular old retired hero because my son died. Just a drunk. A dirty old drunk. Which is such more shit. Substance abuse, they give him a dead. son. Oh, fuck it. Who cares?

Seriously. So they chase this one dude out of this gun club that he's hanging out in like in Africa and he tries to get some answers. The dude pops like a cyanide pill

and kills himself. And then a cartoon fire happens in this gun club because like one of the dudes you see like leaves a bomb. Where was any money allocated to just blow up like the front face

of a fake building to make this, look like anything. They were going to do it, but then Sean Conner was like, that money belongs to me. Well, first the guy says Hale Hydra. I mean, this is like a Windows 98 screensaver that pops out of this house.

It's bad, man. It is bad genes. It's so bad. And so, you know, so then we're in this library and everything. And we're all meeting, like, in the same scene. And what I hate about this is like, they're all being such bitches to each other.

It's like the snark, snark, snark. Totally, just left and right with the snark. And so then, like, oh, hello, it's made the invisible man I am. Yep, and Sean Connery's like, now, wait a minute. I know I don't have my glasses on, but is there a third voice in this room? He'll be like, Jesus Christ. And he's heard all. Show yourself, devil.

This is a heart attack. Oh, here comes that stroke I've been waiting for. It's a ghost. A ghost has come in. Dude, this movie could use a ghost. That'd be pretty great. Oh, man, Jacob Marley should be in the fucking League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh, there you go.

He hits people with the chains he forged in life. And he spooks him out, you know? He shows up to Phantom's house and it's just like, ooh. Yeah, that'll do it. So then when everyone else has to face off against him doesn't have that nice night of sleep. So advantage Connery right there. then Connery's like Well I've heard of the Invisible Man before

But I heard pray tell he died And it's like Oh he did But I'm a new one Oh I'm such a naughty little invisible man I am God I hate that guy So then this dude starts wiping Like moisturizer all over his face

So you can like see this actor He looks like powder He looks like Guy Ritchie's powder Well now with a hundred percent less child molestation right yeah oh yeah totally who was um did anybody of note play powder sean patrick flannery oh it was yeah wow imagine powder was the one that got stung by all those bees um yeah and invisible man's naked throughout this entire movie it's very oh yeah it's not like oh i got all these invisible knickers to put on no he's naked he's totally naked and he's not like invincible no like when he goes

it later when he's in the snow. I'm like, you're getting hypothermia. That's how you get hypothermia. At the very least, tie up that duster. I know there's a belt on that jacket. Tie it up. You're just walking around foggy old London town with your invisible

cock swinging all over the place. Roershack did it. You can do it too. You clearly want to be just like them. Oh, man. Get your dick out of my face, man. I know it's invisible, but I could smell it. It's like it's all because it looks cool that a jacket and the hats walking around

like an invisible. He looks like an invisible dark man honestly. Yes, actually yeah. But it's like, yeah, it's a shadow. In a lot of the old invisible man movies, he would be actually dressed up and then they would cover he'd have a pair of pants on. Yes. Yes. Gauze and like, just

old fashioned gauze. He would wrap gauze around his head. It wouldn't put a touch of makeup. And like honestly the character in the original movie is like really menacing and like the character in the and Almore's books is very menacing. But this is just like a lockstock and two smoking barrels character.

Oh, yeah. He's just one dipshit too clever for the room nickname away from being in a Guy Ritchie movie. They should have got Hollow Man. Oh, man. That's top shelf, Invisible Man Knockout. That is one of the best. That invisible gorilla that dies in Hollow Man? Get me an invisible gorilla.

Maybe Gorog is talking and he's invisible. That's a terrifying prospect Because Gorilla Grot is menacing enough Let alone if he's invisible More on that next week Yeah really That gorilla just dies in Hollow Man It's invisible heart

Becomes visible again And like it just slumps on that table I never understand Like why not a monkey like why a big fucking menacing silverback ape Seriously something that'll take out the whole room Yes And one anger sweep

And then uh Mina Harker comes in. Very important to note that in the Alan Moore book, she's the leader of the team. She actually is the first person who recruits everybody, and she actually doesn't have sexy vampire power. She's just like a resilient woman, which is like the, she's the most extraordinary of them all,

etc. because it's 1899. Right, because let's all remember the Dracula novel. Yeah. She's not turned into a fucking vampire at any point. As a matter of fact, Dracula dies, like, you know, right as it's about to happen. Or did he? Yeah, he did.

Well, this movie's presupposing is, or did he? And here's another pile of shit that they never address in this movie. She's a vampire. She outright has teeth and vampires people left and right, sucking blood all through this movie. But she is just waltzing through the sunlight like nobody's business. I don't get it. Without even sunblock, you don't even want to give me a sunblock.

Yeah, Chris, as our resident Blade expert, do you have any insight on? Yes. I mean, how is she daywalking right now? I do not know. I think they are strolling away from the mythology a little bit. Is this also a walk? Foggy London Town, maybe none of sunlight.

It's also a possibility. I also do believe that this is a case of this ain't your mama's Dracula or your mama's vampire. It is a terminal case of this ain't your mama's literary characters. you think we got a big indirect sunlight, some bullshit Joss Whedon's She probably has a parasol Yeah, that's the thing

She probably I didn't even think about it No, because You put out a fucking ball cap at that fucking In the Buffy universe You're fine Well in season one of Angel They had that horse shit

Like Angel Mobile It was like a shitty Buick With tinted windows That he would drive around You're fucking burning up You dumb vampire You're filming in all sorts of parking garages Oh it's so stupid

A bunch of vampire teenagers were killed today. Turned to pure ash. The weather report said, overcast, and then it wasn't. So now they're dead. So M's like, go find this next dude and, like, slowly recruit your team. So then we go to Stuart Townsend's house. And, you know, Dorian Gray is there. We're going up his...

He's going to elaborate whatever townhouse. We're going up the stairs. Townsend in a townhouse? There, God. It's just something fun that happened. Continue. We're going up, like, he's got all these paintings. And I forget, I think it's, I think it's, Connery's like, oh, you've got a painting missing.

And I start punching myself in the balls. Because he wouldn't, there wouldn't be like a freshly missing painting. That's like the bane of his existence. It's hidden somewhere. Yeah, it's not recently stolen. And he doesn't keep it on the fucking wall. The whole point is he can't look at it. You stupid, stupid movie.

Fucking dumb ass. And also, it's just a rude fucking thing to say. Oh, hey, part of your wall looks like complete shit. Oh, thank you very much. Who's your entire decorator? Nobody? You got a loose tile in your bathroom, Mr. Gray. You know, I look through your medicine cabinet.

You could sort all that out with a lot less pills. they also like hint at some backstory between these two because they fucked at one point is that what it is? Well it's Ellen Corerman and this guy

No Dorian Gray No but they have that reference to like Oh yeah When I was at college or whatever Dorian Gray showed up And Mina Harker's like Oh so you were teaching

And Mr. Gray was a student He's like The other way around I was a young boy And it's like We fucking so get it. Oh my god, that is just so fucking dumb. Why even say that? Because that's the thing is all these characters have either like interacted, right?

Like Dorian Gray and Mina Harker used to fuck years ago. Right? So that happened. Or they've just read up in the newspaper about like, you know, the magical adventures of Captain Nemo 20,000 leagues under the sea or like whatever in the fuck is going on. This is just way too much. All the connections are way too much. Oh, you mean that long, long, long series of articles in the Times of about 20,000 leagues under the sea. I am shocked that Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is not in this thing. I know that was probably invented after the fact, but why not? Well, Lincoln was long dead by 1899. Or was he?

Or was he? Eric's presupposing that, or was he? It's the whole movie. The last lineup of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen actually murdered John Wilkes' booth before he could get to Ford's theater. Yeah, so there's that. Speaking of American, so, like, Dorian Gray's like, oh, I'm like a sexy rogue.

I don't know if I'm going to join your team. Yeah, Stuart Townsend's like four steps away from fucking everybody in this cat. Absolutely. He's just throwing eyes at everybody. And the Phantom and his goons show up. Oh, man. And it circle up the League of Extraordination. I'm like, join us or die because we're comic book banties.

While they're in a different library. This is a fucking Two-Face move, right? Yeah, it absolutely is. It kind of looks like Two-Face, too. And luckily, sexy young explorer, Tom FBI agent, not sexy explorer. Tom Sawyer infiltrated the Phantom's gang, two towns back. And like it's a big, dumb action scene. And they're like, wow, I like your moves.

He's like, thanks. I'm American. I took some time away from the untouchables to do this. Dropped line from this movie that got cut was Tom Sawyer's backstory where he's trying to get it back at the Phantom. Because apparently he killed his best friend, Huck Finn. No, absolutely not. I won't hear about it. That's a real thing that was.

No, just stop talking about it. The Phantom supposedly killed Huckleberry Finn? Yes. That's really fucking stupid. What happened to Jim? But wait Because the whole premise is This is a fake villain

Yes M is fucking Professor Moriotti All right That's the end of the movie And he's got this bad Halloween costume on Pretending to be this character Known as the Phantom

So why would he take this fake character To America And assassinate Huckleberry Finn Who might have been running for the Senate Or whatever That character is We recognize junior senator from Louisiana, Huckleberry film. And he's like, let me tell you this one time I was on a boat.

Like, no, you're not allowed to tell that story. Fine, then I'm going to take out this snowball and tell you why global warming doesn't exist. Here's a snowball, and here's an ice cold glass of lemonade. That piece of shit, by the way. Last time you voted for somebody named Huckleberry. Usually a bad idea. So we've got Dorian Gray on our side, and there's one last...

And Tom Sawyer, because they're just like, oh, Sean Connery's like, oh, you're like a little... You remind me of someone, like, my young son, and he starts, like, stroking his face. You're alive. Oh, yeah, I forgot. In case anyone hasn't heard in the last five minutes, my son's dead. And I feel responsible. Billy Quarterman. Shit one south on a drug bust.

That's exactly probably what happened. We were a real tubs and crock it. There was a drug dealer that wouldn't let Alan Cordman buy anymore. He was like, go pick it up for me. Just pick it up for me. Dude, you fucking came down here for your dad, didn't you? I fucking know you, man. I know you, and then he'd shot him.

Yeah. Oh, man, you know, because young Billy Corerman was always uncomfortable when drug dealers would park their horse and carriage in front of his house, and he had to get in and ride around for a while. that is the worst kind of service like that they'll get in my car just annoying it's like are you gonna kill me you seem nice on the phone

oh boy so we're all off we're a big team of people that hate each other and we gotta go get one last guy and he's been causing some trouble in gay Perry with a big dumb top hat which I'm home man all this top hat how he takes the serum

and it applies to his hats You know what this reminded me of? Because this thing that's supposed to be Mr. Hyde looks like such garbage that when he's running around in this ripped tuxedo in the top hat, like a big bulked out idiot, I remembered that tree house a horror where they parody King Kong and Homer Kong and Marge like getting married at the end and the King Kong's in the tuxedo?

That's what he looks like. Is the implication that Dr. Jekyll went to some Haberdash? I was like, yes, could I have a number 92 size? top hat. Then when he feels the change... It's for a statue, it is. He feels the change happening, so he rips off the regular top hat

and puts it on over his head. Here it comes. Are you really carrying two top hats? You can't carry. He couldn't carry it home. Dude, if it's one that you could, like, fold up, like if it's a spring-loaded top hat,

like a magician. Maybe, but then you've got to sit on the top of that fucking hat to get it down. It's called custom-made for a reason. I suppose that's true. So he's just speaking of a lock, stock and two smoking barrels, Jason Fleming. Oh, gosh.

Man, you know, that movie doesn't hold up. I don't care what anybody says. I kind of, I remember liking it. I haven't seen it. Yeah, I haven't seen it maybe like three years ago and it was enough. I haven't seen Snatch in forever, but that's got to hold up, right? I've rewatched Snatch recently. I really liked it still.

Yeah, it's really funny. When you rewatched it, did it still have Brad Pitt in it? Yes, it did. Yeah, it's still. a bad movie. Oh, Dennis Farina, man. He's good. RIP, by the way. Oh, is Dennis Farina dead? The Oscars forgot to mention that. The Oscars haven't told me that he died yet. That's how I know who died in the year is I wait for the end. He'll die next year, maybe. That reminds me. Did you guys see that thing that, like, they were trying to figure out why the death notice of Rue McClanahan

was going around, even though she's been dead for several years. like someone just it's I guess one of those like weird internet things like someone started like RIP Rue McClanahan maybe like just saying it and then just this tidal wave

of people thinking she'd just recently died who starts this stuff I don't know idiots I mean she's been dead for like five years or something it's like Slender Man or something at the center of the internet starting all this or the Sunderman is part of my new league

of extraordinary gentlemen he lives in a computer that would be great That would be amazing. League of Extraordinary Gentleman 2015. Oh, they'd lend a man and anonymous.

They have to go to space, dude. They have to. Alan Quirderman's axed. It would be Indiana Jones. Sure. Slender man. Who else we got in that thing? Hollow man would fit in.

A hollow man's definitely going to... Anonymous. Just get them all there. Yeah, they're all there. They all have their guy fox masks on. You know who you could put in? Steve was just telling me about this guy today. The Watcher?

Oh, fucking scary story. Have you guys heard about this? No. Oh, man. New Jersey Territown story. Yeah, some couple is suing the previous owners of a house because the guy, the old family neglected to mention that a man has been systematically stalking their house for years and years and sending threatening letters about like,

I watch you through all the windows. You brought young blood into this house. I'm going to spray young blood all over this house. house. Wait a second. Holy shit. Eric's like, I made the news? I didn't know. I was really just shocked that they moved.

I'm sending it to the wrong people. But it's some weird thing where it's like, my family's watched over this house for 200 years. My dad did it and my grandfather did it. Really? We're all really boring. Dude, I have goosebumps just talking about. It's so fucking.

terrifying. So they're like moving out of the house. It's like, hey, give us our money back. You didn't tell us this fucking place was haunted or whatever the fuck. It's haunted via snail mail. That counts as a haunting. Haunted by a living person. Dude, if you're listening, couple, hold

on to the place. The post office is going to be dead in a few years. You're not going to be getting letters anymore. But you are going to get a spooky FedEx delivery. Well, when President Ted Cruz scales back everything, you'll be fine. But yeah,

the watcher would be involved. He'd be the villain, I feel. Yeah, he might be. Probably have. In LXG, 2015, which, by the way, calling it LXG, shut up. You're just trying to do X for X-Men, man. Yep. That's all. We're trying to cash in on all this shit that makes money elsewhere. But now, you know, that's

a terrifying villain you guys painted. Seeing Indiana Jones, the slender man, anonymous, Hollow Man, going after this guy. Hollow Man showed up. Oh, he's deeply there. Yeah. Totally. That'd be amazing. You get the Ava robot from ex-Machina, she's in there. Oh, of course.

Yep, totally. Done deal. And Batman or Iron Man or something. One of them guys there? If we have to get books grown up Danny Torrance from Dr. Sleep, that fucking shining sequel. You get like Holden Caulfield is like 68 years old. He just comes in and slits his wrists in a bathtub in the first couple chapters. Anton Sugar.

He'd be there He'd reluctantly be there He's like the anti-hero He'll do the right thing in the end I think So they capture Mr. Hyde And whatever Our team has been complete And they're just kind of sitting on the boat like

Phae Like nothing to do And like shit starts happening Like someone's stealing all their secrets And they're like oh wow Who could it be must be that rotten Fuck the invisible man They instantly go to that chimney sweeping son of a bit

Of course it is. There's this one scene where Alan Quatermain kicks him out of his bedroom. Get the fuck out of a room and wear clothes when you're walking around. He's like, Sean, they're all like doing their own homework, which is weird. Like they cut to their quarters. You know, they're on Captain Nemo's boat. Everybody's got their own accommodations. And whenever you cut to someone's bedroom, they're all doing homework. Yeah.

So Alan Quaterman is like writing something. And then the Invisible Man like farts. And he's like, got the fuck out of here. And what you see is Sean Connery fake fighting nothing. And it's so hilarious. Well, it kicks him on his ass on the way out. It's a lot of fun. But, yeah, it kind of is like that Justice League Tower of Babel

where Batman's getting everybody's weaknesses filed away. At this point, Dorian Gray and Mina Harker have sex. Yep. And Dr. Jekyll's just watching because the door is open? Yeah. That's kind of creepy. Well, in the books, like, I mean, I mean, yeah, there's that.

He's definitely jerking off. Well, in the book, is it the second volume when Mr. Hyde, like, rapes the invisible man? Yes. That's something that happened. He rapes him to death, I believe, yeah. And so it's like a thing where it's like, I guess that's as much as we're going to get hinting at the fucked up world of Henry Jekyll kind of a deal. What was Hyde's first name? Greg?

Edward. Oh, Edward. Yeah, that is much more appropriate. The weird thing is what? Greg. You think, like, Mr. Hyde's trying to get, like, a degree to become Dr. Hyde? Like, maybe. Henry, take the potion.

I've got class in 20 minutes. He's going to night school. Which is the angriest of school. They do an annoying thing in this movie where it's like, instead of Hyde being like an inner monologue for Jekyll, he's like seeing him in doorknobs and shit. Oh, God. It's so terrible. Because you know what that is? You know what you can do really cheap

and it's instantly believable? Voiceover. You know what's not an animated monkey in a doorknob reflection? Because they don't use Mr. Hyde a lot and I guess they paid a lot for that design so like we're going to get money out of it. But like he looks so terrible.

He looks like a monkey crossed with, I don't even know what. It's like a Kronenberg monkey. Yes, yes, exactly. It's a Kronenberg monkey. A Kronky. They should just do like in Spider-Man with the Green Goblin.

He's, like, looking at the mask or whatever, and he's hearing the voice. Oh, yeah. Instead, it's a gigantic top hat. Yeah, just look at the top hat. And think about the... It's the size of a dining room table, and it's talking. Captain Nima's just like, did you really need to bring that on the Nautilus? It's taking up three rooms.

It's actually my bedroom. I can bring it anywhere. Oh, my God. When the fucking Nautilus sinks in the middle of this movie, if they all escape in that giant top hat? Yes. And when they wash up ashore they have a tent. Dude, a bunch of, like, full-sized human beings hiding in a hat,

like the fucking borrowers or something. They just look all, like, tiny. But to your point, Chris, yeah, he is a cranky. And they have this, like, they don't do morphing effects in this movie. Oh, my God. They do this weird, like, every five seconds, it's a flash, and it's a different horror.

Like, it's weird because, like, he's regular skinny Jason Fleming. Yeah. And then you cut, and then he's, like, the fucking baboon in the fly and his face is on backwards and it's like well why is that the middle step you know what I mean like he just becomes a big jacked

Jason Fleming at the end of the day with a different haircut which is strange yeah it like recedes and it looks like a soda Popinski's haircut from fucking punchout sure but you're like what are you talking about but what was my point I was making it oh well

also like they do have like practical effect big monkey arms for him. Oh my god. It's only when he's got to run around. Does he become a cartoon? Yeah. But a lot of this is, like, it's just Jason Fleming in this dumb rubber suit. Like those Hulk glove toys that, you know, you want to waste money on your children. Buy him some Hulk

gloves. What shit? And that reminds me, too, some of these toys I've been seeing for Jurassic World, lazy shit. You put a stupid dinosaur puppet on your hand. Yeah, you're spending $25 on that. pitching your side podcast what not to buy yeah i'll tell you what you're wasted money on how much time you got so i mean everyone's like oh it must have been that evil shit the invisible man and what's yeah yeah well what's funny is like they just cut him out of the movie yes i mean it's

for a reason yeah but there's no like set up for it he's just gone i mean it's to make you think that they're right but like of course they're not right well we're hauling ass to venice because apparently when the Phantom stole from the Bank of England he stole Da Vinci's sketches of Venice in order to plant a bunch of bombs We do have to talk about the Topside scene where

Oh I'm going to teach young Tom Sawyer How to shoot Oh my God It's like Titanic with skeet shooting It's really really frustrating Don't you fucking talk about my son He gets all steamed at him Because Tom Sawyer's creeped out

He's like all right boy Now let me show you how to shoot And he's like, yeah, I'm like a really good march. No, you're not. You've got to learn from your old dad. Just come here, Jr. Let me sign up your aim for you. He's like holding him.

It's like, no, no, no. Credaling him. Yeah, it's like. Take your time. Let's say, yeah. Wait for it. It's like a, you mean a creepy old man in a golf course and he starts showing you how to swing.

And squeeze. Now, now don't think of anyone else but just you and me. We're alone on this boat. squeezing that big gun pull the trigger and I think that's Tom Sawyer's like out movie's like did you like do this with your son

and then fucking Sean Connery just slams the door there is a Sean Connery shaped cloud on the deck of the Nautilus also right before this too is when Sean Connery's like hey boy don't even think about trying to fuck that lady

vampire he's got he's got no time for Mina Harker. He's got his great. Oh, she's out of your league. Oh, yeah, that's at this part. Oh, man. Oh, hey, we want to go to the bowling, the bowling alley tonight? It's league play.

Oh, I think that phantoms in league with the devil. Why don't you... Go ahead. Why don't you come over? We can watch a league of their own. Damn it! I shouldn't have given you the right of way! My joke involved the Nautilus also having a DVD player, but that's fine. Hey, Nemo, how many leagues under the sea, are we?

It's measured by extraordinary gentlemen. We're 20,000 LXGs under the sea. So, yeah, Sean Connery gets his panties in a bunch and leaves. Whatever. We get to Venice, and this is the big action scene. I guess everything's blowing up, and it's really bad CGI buildings like toppling over. Yeah, I thought that firing. Africa was bad. It's really good. It's just buildings like falling down like it's fucking the Flintstone. Yeah, it's not like casino royale. You don't get like that kind of stuff. That's how

you make a building fall down Venice. And they're like kind of zeroing in on the phantom at this point. Yes. And like Tom Sawyer's driving that sports car they have before cars are barely a car. Yeah. Yeah. Captain Nemo has a supercar in this movie. Also he has and this is something you don't understand until they get to Venice because like the door to the nautilus comes down and he's just like all right men spread out and like 50,000 guys just come out of the ship and I'm like where are all these deck hands they're nowhere in this movie until this door over you know what else is really weird that he's got a surface to air missile on this fucking submarine you fit a small city on this submarine you see the size of this thing this boat is

necessarily large. Well, that's the thing is like, you don't need a league of extraordinary gentlemen. You just need to fucking say,

hey, Captain Nemo, go do something. You don't need a fleet of extraordinary boats either. This is like three aircraft carriers put together that can

go underwater and it can shoot missiles to the Persian Gulf. And it's shaped like a sword. Yeah, he calls it the sword of the sea, by the way.

I got one leg out the window ready to drop. So this is when the phantom reveals himself because this mask falls off. He totally just does it by accident. Because Quartermade's got it, like, all right, you fucking phantom.

This is also after they do a thing where it's like, well, if we knock that building down intentionally, it's going to stop the domino effect of all these buildings blowing up. And you're like, but the whole thing's a controlled demo, you know what, whatever. Building seven. It's not getting hot enough to melt steel beams. Tell you that right now, Nemo. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Nemo, specifically. I'm like, I don't think Venice was built with steel beams.

No, just crackety wood. Crackety wood? Yeah, it's crickety cracketing. It's falling down. That city's sinking into the sea, man. Well, he doesn't reveal himself to be Moriarty. He just says, oh, it's like, oh, it's him, the very man that sent us here. And he says some bullshit about, like,

that's only half the story and I'm like fuck you and you know what's amazing is dude when I watched it today he said because I've seen this before but I didn't remember it that well when he says that's only half the story I was like wait what and I paused it

an hour and five minutes to go I couldn't even believe it it was actually half the story he's letting you know this is a long fucking movie for no reason an hour in 50 minutes yeah thank God it's under two hours though because I had to watch it at work today

so So they stopped the Venice siege and all of a sudden, like, Dorian Gray attacks, what you would call it, Nemo's deckhand Ishmael, get it everybody. And if you didn't, he says call me Ishmael when he's introduced in the movie. And I got the other leg out the window. I'm surprised he didn't talk about his dreams of the whale and stuff like just to lay it on another layer. Oh, I've got to go visit my nephew who's at boarding school, Finney. You might just say he's found a separate piece there. The timing doesn't work for that, but it's fine.

It's okay. Yeah, sure. Nothing matters. Finney's roommate, Quigwee, Quig. Glad to see him getting higher education. Oh, man, what if Moby Dick was one of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Oh, here's what it is. Here's what it is.

They have Captain Nemo invented a device that you put on the side of the whale. so they can communicate with him get him on the side of the angels and he's fighting for the LXG. By the way, finally, when Dr. Jekyll is Dr. Jekyll, someone else can wear the top hat. I'm just glad it's

being used. Spit so much bloody money on that thing. Years worth a doctor in salary. And then when he becomes Mr. Hyde, the whale can blow hole it to him and he catches it. Dude, while Hyde is

like rocking in on a surfboard. Oh, yes. Surf and hide. It just pops right off and on to him and he goes, thanks a lot. Ook, ook, and surfs away. It's like that awesome Nintendo game, C&C surfing. Oh, my God. C&C surfing was the best, most beautiful game

and also so hard. Yeah. That monkey was wiping out left and right. Wiped out so hard. You skateboarded in that game too. Yeah, it's skateboarding and surfing. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I don't really ever played it. Oh, it's a good one. You should check it out. It was pretty fun. Yeah, so now it's like

Dorian Gray kills them and then he's like Oh, it was Dorian Gray A whole time and then he dies Which is by the way the most obvious fucking thing Throughout this movie Yeah, like he's just always like prancing And like giving mischievous look But you mistake that for he's just wanting to fuck everybody

They like very purposefully In the first when that library scene Where he gets shot it's like all ash And then they find ash When they like There's like something wrong with the ship No no no no no no no no that is from like a flashbulb from a camera

because Mina Harker spends 15 minutes of this movie doing a science experiment to tell us that what she's found is from like a camera lens because he's taking pictures of the boat and what you do you realize he's like Wolverine for whatever reason like yeah so what the it wasn't ash it was gunpowder falling off of him like oh okay so they basically just Ash it was 20th century Fox were like hey let's just use those effects again Let's just literally

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't hurt yourself, buddy. We're just going to use those effects again. Yeah, last stand hadn't come out yet, right? So they just, they had all those computer programs just sitting around. No one's going to notice that for three seconds, it's Hugh Jackman. No one's going to notice. No one would notice, honestly.

So, we all haul ass back, like, oh, that rotten Dorian gray, if only we had a painting of him somewhere. and they get on and they find a record and I mean they find a fucking record a final record they put it on a fucking Victrola And Hendricks starts

Blarren And it starts It sinks up to a picture of some kind This is the stupidest way You could think to do this Is like Mental movie

Yeah it's like you're seeing Them record this in the room And it's M and it's Dorian Gray But it's like a black and white filter and it looks like grainy old silent film footage it's it's when you go to Disneyland and you go by that stuff and it's ye old whatever the fuck and they get they have all

the musty costumes you can try on to look like you're in something or other that's the filter they use it's so terrible and so they talk about how like they're they have this whole plan where dory and gray has stolen elements of all the the people except for sean connery because who cares. But so he's got like a little bit of and Tom Sawyer because he's even more more useless. Dude, I forgot he's in this movie as we've been talking about it right now.

But yeah, so he's taking a picture of like, you know, the inner workings of the Nautilus. He has Mina Harker's blood. He's got Henry Jekyll's Hyde formula. What do you take? Oh, he got some like skin sample from the Invisible Man. And he's Batman in

Tower Babel. Like he's just taking this so he knows what they're made of and everything. And they're like, well, I want, you wonder why we're telling you all this. That's because you're already dead. Cue the worst line of the movie. Dorian Gray says, bomb voyage. Yes. And I leap out the window.

I thought I, I didn't think they green lit mystery men too. Here we are. Dude, bomb voyage, man. You know what? Leave that on the cutting room. If you're not Joel Schumacher, you don't get to do that. Well, also, it's like, through this recording, Doreen Gray is like M's hype man. Because, like, he's just, the way they're filming this is like M is standing in front of whatever microphone is happening.

And he's just like, he'd say something. And then Doreen Gray is like, yeah, that's right. Got you good, motherfucker. And then he goes back to like very quietly speaking about something. And then, and that's when we fit in, bum voyage. And then so the boat starts blowing up. the Nautilus is sinking. And Dorian Gray has some impossible escape pod.

It's like a submarine attached to Nemo submarine. Yeah, it's like it's Nemo's escape pod. He calls it like the Nautilus or something, like some little version of the Nautilus. And it shoots them to the moon. Dude, they have to go to space. You know, a trip to the moon, right? John Carter could do it.

Just another fictional character like Neil Armstrong. Oh, yeah, the Mazils. Maisels, right? No, Lumier brothers. Maisels made documentaries. No. Yes, they did. You're saying the Lumier brothers directed a trip to the moon?

Yeah, right? No, it's Melier. Oh, Melier, you're right. Yeah, I said it wrong. Well, Maisels are two completely different people that made great gardens. Yeah, yeah, you're totally right, though. Yep. They're all dead, though.

Don't worry, guys, we hate movies, so we don't have to worry about it. Not talking about documentaries on that. this show. Unless we ever do American movie. That might be a commentary. I just rewatch that like maybe a month ago. Oh, really? It's on Hulu now. I was like, yep. It's the best. No, I'm sorry, it's on Crackle. Oh, well, then, too, okay.

It's on Crack. You know, on Crackle is kind of turning into a new synonym for the seventh circle of hell, huh? That Joe Dirt movie's coming out on that? The Joe Dirt movie and like... Can I remind everybody on the air now? That movie, Joe Dirt 2 contains time travel. I've been spreading the word on Twitter,

but I want everybody to know Joe Dirt 2, time travel. One of the other, like, zombie video game, zombie video games, like not Resident Evil, but like Dead Rising? Like Dead Rising. The movie versions of those are made by Crackle. Who cares to watch any of that?

I do not know. So we're chasing after Dorian Gray because Mr. Hyde decides that he's going to be the good guy and like saves the ship so we're able to like make some repairs and we're quickly chasing after him. Yeah well Mr. Hyde like breathes underwater for 24 minutes

I guess that's part of the fucking formula I made that same note I was like breathing underwater okay he's just like he can talk a to war yeah too very easily but he's also a psychopath like he's like helping all these like men

gently out I'm like dude this guy would be breaking necks yeah it really makes no sense and like Jekyll has some line about like, well, I guess he likes to help out when he feels like it. You're like, shut up. I guess he isn't evil incarnate. Pardon me, but do you have

a size 79 cumber bun by any chance? Oh, pardon me, do you know where the exit to the theater is? God, fuck this. I'm sorry to be vulgar, but fuck this movie, right? It's really fucking bad. Let's haul

ass to the Himalayas for the last act, right? Yeah, why not? Yep. Because I guess the invisible man It was like Oh, crikey I split from Once I heard everyone Talking bad about me

I felt really bad about myself And I split from the ship But then I snuck aboard The Dorian Gray Express I did And he's like Talking to the Nautilus through Morse code Which like I saw the size of that pod

How is Dorian Gray not hearing that thing Clicking away? So they go to the fucking Himalayas Yep and like they find a cave someone that this is where this is where Skinner said we should meet these are where his coordinates told me to go

this one is this like stupid shot of a snow leopard shows up and Sean Connish like, I'm gonna blow your fucking brains out snow leopard goes in the darkness moment this goes on for way too long it goes on for so long and he's just like I see you there tiger

I see you there And then they all come out like, what are you looking at? And he's like, nothing. And then Nemo's like, perhaps someone finally saw the white tiger. And the white tiger decided he did want to live longer. Because it's some reference to like some horse shit that the two of them talk about like earlier in the movie. Like you're just an old white tiger waiting to be put out to pastor, you know, whatever. I thought it was a Sigfried and Roy reference.

Dude, they should be in this. They should be. Maybe they're in our modern version. Man, speaking of modern versions of Siegfried and Roy, stay tuned animation damnation on the Siegfried and Roy cartoon. Were there medieval magicians? Did anybody else watch that? I don't believe you.

That's one where I'm like you're watching like a sketch comedy show's like parody cartoon or something. Was this a Saturday TV phone out? No, it was real. I swear to God it was real. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah. Dude, here's the thing. The 1990s didn't give a flying shit about cartoons.

Nope, whatever. Here's your cartoon. And that's why, though, because it wasn't like, oh, what are you watching Sonic the Hedgehog again? It was go watch cartoons. So it didn't matter. It didn't matter what the cartoon was because it was all just cartoons. That was the thing. That was the thing.

It was like, Singapore Hurt and Roy played a show, and they couldn't afford to pay them. They're like, well, I guess we'll just, you know, it's cheap enough to make a cartoon for you. Hold on. Stay right there. Give us the weekend. We'll put out a cartoon. We'll have 30 episodes of this cartoon done. Were they doing the voices?

I don't remember. I mean, I watched like one episode. What the fuck? Bet you Welker's got a slice of that. Oh, he's got a slice of that pie. So we're at this cave. And Skinner shows up. He's like, ooh, I'm freezing me knuckers off.

Oh, I'm just so naked out here I am. Dead. Dead five times ago. My little ding-dongs hardened up inside me. It is it so cold out here? Like, here's the thing, Skinner. If you're like, you're like sneaking around the base, so you couldn't even wearing clothes then,

have a fucking coat like two yards away from the base that you go and you get. Yeah, you're the one that's setting up these coordinates or whatever. You know the whole plan. You got time. Get a jacket. They're like a mile away from anywhere, right? It's way far away from this castle.

It's the one unbelievable thing. is just stuck right out. Oh, my little balls are so cold out in Cort Main. There should be like little icicles coming off them that everyone can see. Hey, Mina Harker, come here and warm me up. Warm up my bollocks.

That doesn't happen. Jesus. Whatever, the invisible man's a villain. So he comes in, he's like, all right, he's a score, mates. Apparently, and now we're in full, video game mode we're like craning through the base and he's like, they've got a

whole army of Mr. Hyde's, invisible men, nautiluses, a couple of... A bombinations, a Moby Dick, and a baby Gatsby. Yeah, that's right. Jay Gatsby is a baby's down there. And if we don't stop him by this

time tomorrow there's going to be a whole little litter of star foxes after him. Tomorrow he's going to be a grown Jay Gatsby and then he kills us all. Just a reminder, if you think the character of Jay Gatsby is cool, you're reading it wrong. There's going to be a green light across the river for your demise, there'll be. Oh, man, Jay Gatsby is just running around, running people over with this car.

Oh, yeah, dude. Take that Myrtle. Take that myrtle. You're all a bunch of myrtles. He's just running over malls all over town. Hey, Pier 1 imports. Small's got everything. Whatever. We've got to storm the castle because it's the last level of the video game.

And all of a sudden, Mina Harker, like, curls her hair? Like, right before the last battle, she's had straight hair in this entire movie. Well, dude, you know, like some warriors, you know, apply face paint. Sure. Things of that nature. Put on some ceremonial garb before they go into battle. She gets a fucking curling iron out and just, you know. She does the full steam bird.

She just go do it She's also exploding into a tornado of bats in this movie A couple of times And she's got like Bat buddies

It's terrible It's just shitty underworld stuff She's wearing leather The whole time Yep It sucks And Pete all sucks Also Peter Wilson

Didn't have a career For a reason It was just Nikita On USA And that was it Oh that's where I know her from How many seasons was that 3?

105 No that show lasted for a while That, what was that show? Pacific Blue. Mario Lopez was a bike cop. I think, yeah, that sounds familiar. You know, when I was ranting about USA.

Original programming? It's because of shit like that first Nikita's show and Pacific Blue that I got burned. Well, the original weird science... Oh, man, the weird science show was terrible. I watched a lot of that. I watched a lot of it. Duckman, I think, was the only good thing to come out of the whole thing.

I didn't watch Duckman until it was, like, rerunning on Comedy Central. So there's that. So anyway, we're bursting into bats and we're putting invisible jelly all over ourselves. Everybody's getting into fights. I mean, Tom's story with no thrust in this movie other than like kind of looking dough-eyed at Alan Cornermane. But this movie doesn't have the balls for a full-on blow job. Being cradled by Alan Quarterman. That's what I'd like to see though, Steve. Yeah. Yeah. Just Shane West just bury in his face and that Scotsman's crotch. At a respect.

Yeah, totally. This is how you pass the torch, boy. Get to work. I want to retire soon. Hey, you ever read that Frank Miller comic 300? This was cut from it. Spartan sex. For some reason, Frank Miller was too ignorant

to know that the Spartans had sex with each other. Oh, it's important. Just hold the sword. It's important to point out, by the way, that before they storm the castle, when the invisible man's complaining about his small shrunken ice penis, there's an invisible goosing that happens. Because he comes in and he's like, how's you going, everybody? I'm so cold.

And then, like, Mina Harker's like, ooh, how dare you? And he's like, oh, sorry, my hands are everywhere. Like, he just grabs her ass. I had to do something. You're the only female presence in this entire cinematic universe. So very quickly, after we get into the castle, it's revealed that he's Professor Moriarty. Yes. And it's this whole thing where, like, he's like, Moriarty, and then he's like, Moriarty died at Reichenbach Falls, and I was born.

And you're like, shut the fuck up. That's the problem. He does shut the fuck up because I need more than that. He's like, and I was born to be this. And then I'm like, well, what? And then cut. Yeah. Just cut it.

So Sherlock Holmes is dead And Moriarty lives on to become a bank robber Yep He's trying to start World War I And he'll reap all the benefits I am no longer Moriarty I am Mali from Mali and me That's right

A dead dog That was a dark turn But yeah It's never really They don't mention any about Sherlock Holmes in this movie there's no like yeah like because I mean

in the Sherlock Holmes mythology like Holmes lives after the falls yeah that's how he brought him back but like yeah there's no like you can't even say like when Sherlock threw me over the falls with him I lived just fucking anything because you know what could have used

Sean Connery no shit Sherlock that'd be good he loves puns he does oh absolutely or no shit Sherlock It's the one thing, though, that you're not going to spell out for American audiences. It's you're referencing the story in which Sherlock Holmes sacrificed himself to kill Moriarty. Americans don't know that. You know, Benedict Cumberbatch wasn't around yet to make it cool for everybody.

Well, instead of hearing that, we get to hear about Huckleberry Finn dying. Well, that was cut, but still, I wish. But that was written, though. I don't know of any, you know, cut Sherlock. dialogue from this. And Sherlock doesn't show up in any of those stories. Does he in the comics? No, in the comic, they actually do the Reichenbach Falls scene. Like, they basically show how

Moriarty escaped and, like, did all this stuff. They actually have that. And then this, it's like, Reichenbach Falls, what? Oh, wait, I think the Invisible Man is farting somewhere. That'll be fun to watch. I'm going to go ring his neck. So, the, uh, speed of the visible man, he gets burned alive

right here. Oh, he's a crispy Critterman, he gets fucking Uncle Owen. It's awesome. By an original Iron Man. Dude, yeah. It is an old school Iron Man costume with a flame thrower on it, and this guy's walking around like, I'm in a movie.

And you're just like, come on with this shitty armor, dude, he's a walking garbage can. It's like a... It's like, boom, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bomb, bum, bum, bum, bum. Whatever. Um, Mito Harkness and... Harkness?

Harkin. Harkin. Harker. Harker. Harker. Harkness. I'm sorry. I was thinking of Digger Harkness. You know, Captain Boomerang. Nope. I don't. You will from that suicide. It's a fun movie. Oh, really? Oh, no. Let's...

We're going to bring the room down. Let's stop with the comic books, everybody. Mina Harker and Doreen Gray are fighting, and he impales her on a bed, and he's... This is the least classy line in all of movies. It is the clunkiest thing said in this movie where he just, you know what? No, I haven't done it in a while. Let's play the audio from it. I hope I'd get to nail you one more time.

I didn't think it'd be literally. Oh, I wanted to nail you one last time. That's gross, man. It is gross. And it's even grosser coming out of that long-haired dirt-suited Stuart Townsend. And again, it's the only female character. She's out of bed getting nailed. Literally nailed.

That's also the second impaling of this movie. Sean Connery, like, throws some dude through a rhinos tusk at the beginning. That's pretty cool. It actually bursts out of his stomach. Yeah. I was pretty surprised to see that. No blood, but yeah, yeah, it happened. Well, it also cauterized it.

It was a white-hot rhino task. Yeah, of course. Yeah, at this point, like, it's all of, like, M's men that we never meet. and they all like have, he's got like a number two that we've never seen before. Yeah. Well, isn't that guy the guy who's like trying to get Quatermain to come at the beginning? No, no, no, that's a different guy.

Oh, just a bunch of pasty old Englishmen. No, no, this is abomination. I think he took one of the Nautiluses and picked up all the boys from the Lord of the Flies. And then like, you picked them all up. And he's like, all right, come on guys. You're going to want my gang now. That's it.

Or honestly, all the lost boys. I was just going to say, why you're reading my mind tonight. Yeah, he captured all them lost boys, promised them all sorts of trinkets. They're found now. This isn't the key for southern, it'll be all right. But so we just like, we all pair off to have like our fight scenes for the end of this movie. Nemo's like sword fighting these dudes with machine guns, which like, yeah, right.

Okay, dude, you're a real swordsmith with this shit. Whatever. Quartermane and Agent Sawyer. It just never will stop sounding like the worst. idea ever. Are after M. Marley. Marley. Get back here, you damn dying, dog.

This one of, the number two grabs like a big vat of Mr. Hyde's here. He drinks all of it. And like, Henry Jekyll's like, oh, not all of it. Oh, that's way too much.

Oh, no. And he's like washing himself. with it. Yeah, he's getting it all over his face. I'm like, that's not going to help. Why does it cause a heart attack? You know what I mean? Like, why is it just like, ah? You know what? He should just explode. Yes, that's what I thought was going to happen. And I hate to be predictable here.

But again, why is he just do the end of blade? Yeah. I do the blood monster. That's a blood monster situation. I'll give it to you this time. You're right. This dude, though, turns into this thing. It just looks like a big, mean, fiery hemorrhoys.

It's a Hulk fight with abominations. It's a Hulk fight with abomination. That's what this whole fucking thing is. This looks like the worst thing I've ever seen. It's so bad. It's just disgusting. I fucking lost my lunch looking at this thing. He looks like a Resident Evil, like a Resident Evil big boss. Yes. Yeah, totally.

He's just missing spines coming out of his, or he's just missing spikes coming out of his back. For no reason. I mean, it's a dumb fight and it looks terrible. Well, this is also a bullshit thing where he's Dr. or he's Mr. Hyde. Yeah. And then he's just like,

Nemo, come help me, Nemo. The big hemorrhoids beating me up. And I'm like, no, you're not asking for help. You don't give a shit about anybody. And Nemo gets punched in the face by this monster that's 10 times bigger than fucking Mr. Hyde. Why doesn't his head pop off? Like a fucking grape.

We need more of a body cancer. Yes. Oh, my God. People have to die. Where is the thing? Yeah, and I'm, again, I'm doing this. They killed a lot of fucking people in Blade. You're right.

And they like, why can't you just have that kind of body count here? I agree. Because even fake blood, I would even take the fake blood. All you're getting at best is like the people that Captain Nemo's sword slashes and they just fall over. And that's it. Yeah, the invisible man. Oh, he gets burned up because he, that little robot guy is walking with the flamethrower and he somehow

distracts him or something trying to help Agent Sawyer. It's Agent Sawyer and he just catches on fire and like falls over and you think he's dead but he's alive at the end of the movie. For no reason because he's definitely dead like he dies like he's like oh I got too close

to the flame there I did and just like falls over and you can see like his burnt flesh like the burn marks are I guess for whatever reason visible and he just falls over like And you're like, all right, he's dead. Also, at this point, Mina Harker rises from the bed, impales Doreen Gray with the fucking thing.

I feel like he's getting it ready for a little, you're asleep touching. Yeah, yeah, that's the move. Because he's just playing such a slimy creep in this movie. Well, he had to get the video, or like the old, the old-fashioned camera out and, like, to take a few photos. Thomas Edison's Black Maria. He's got a couple slides. He's just sliding it in and out. He's like got an old-timey camera.

He's under the cape. Just get ready to take pictures of this dead body. And she like impales him to the wall and he's like, well, this is uncomfortable. And then she unravels his painting. And it's, it's an Indiana Jones death, right? Oh, yeah. He totally just opens the arc. And it's really bad because it's CGI.

It looks like fucking shit. Looks like the mummy. It's like really fucking bad. Yeah. It does look like those. terrible mummy movies where you just like dust skeletons why not close your eyes at this point like she she doesn't like hold his eyeballs open she's like here's your painting it's gonna kill you and he's like oh my oh my well i guess i deserve it it's not even like she's like surprise and turns around

with it it is wrapped in paper and she picks it up and she's like i bet you know what's in here and she's like pulling the string and unwrapping this thing and he's just like no i don't know what could this possibly be? Did you get me a present? Do you have Guernica under there? Yeah, this thing actually kind of plays out like a fatality in Wardle Combat. You know what I mean?

Like there's that moment of like, oh, thank you. Oh, no, it's a bomb. Giftality. Friendship. That's what it is, yes. Friendship. Yes. I would have liked Sean Conard

to get bae balladied in this movie. Then he just turned into Shane West. Oh, no. got to be balaity I don't know so then like Moriarty jumps out of this castle and he's got Batman's cape on

well he stabs Connery in the back before that well actually no Connery's about to fucking I thought this is the end of the movie because Connery's got an axe over Moriarty and I'm like oh my god is he just got to fucking hack him in the heart because that's kind of cool I'm going to give it over to my good friend

Lizzie Borden sure figures from History? Come on in. She would be a great addition to the team. Totally. Christina Ritchie's got that show, by the way. Anybody watching that? No. It got a second season somehow.

I've never heard of this before. It's a show. I thought it was a miniseries. No, it's like the Lizzie Borden Chronicles or some shit. On what network? I think it's a lifetime. Is she a vampire hunter? What happens? I don't know. Maybe she killed more than just her parents. I think it was a whole like serial, like a following type situation. Forty wax with a witness.

Noodle Bart! I've got two buddies here are gonna take care of you. Mr. Leopold and Loeb. All the famous murderers. They brought some friends with him. Sacco and Van Zetti. Oh man, that's it.

A fucking tag team championship match. Sacco and Van Zetti versus Leopold and Loeb. Dude, are you writing for Celebrity Death Match these days? If so, that'd be. a pretty sweet thing. I'm still right every year I write a celebrity death match spec script. I think they're bringing it back there. Yeah,

we've been hired as writers. I wish. So, yeah, so Sean Connery gets stabbed in the back after not dropping this axe. Yeah. Which should, that should have been the end of the movie. Cut his head off. Yeah. And then like you know, M. Dr. Jum, Moriarty

jumps out of window and to sort of mimic what, oh, what Remember when he taught Tom Sawyer how to shoot a long gun? Shoot the balloons in the ocean. Take your time, boy. Just feel the ocean breeze on your face. I mean, it's so stupid. Oh, twill.

No, my heart's not going to go on because I got stabbed in the spine. I got a butcher knife coming out of my shoulder blade. Pumping out blood right now. and he's just like steady wet for it and he's like falling over

on a sack of bullets and he shoots right before he's about to get away he gets shot and then whatever all that you see it's very important

you see all the like League of Extraordinary gentlemen's like science materials he has a league of extraordinary essence falls into like I guess they're on

a frozen lake because it falls in water yes and he turns around like dad I did it And Sean Connery's just dead. Or is he?

So the funeral. Oh, and the castle just explodes. Castle explodes. He's the only league member to die because apparently Inviso boy comes back. I don't know. And I guess, you know, Dorian Gray got fired from the league before his death.

He was fired from the league before he died. It's a pink slip with your name on it. Pink, the collar of death. So then it's like we're back in Africa for this post script. And it's fucking Sean Connery's funeral. Oh, yeah. And by the way, he has made, because they're all talking at the beginning of the movie about like what they can do or whatever it is. And they're like, so what do you do, Corder Main?

And he's like, well, one time I had a witch doctor tell me that Africa wouldn't let me die. So then we're in Africa. They're burying him. And they're like, well, you want to get fucking whatever the, whatever the British equivalent, the African equivalent of swarma is. Dude, this is the laziest funeral acting ever. They're all there, but they all couldn't give a shit that Alan Corder Main is dead. No, it's crying or like, oh, man, they just want to go home.

Like, Captain Nemo's like, well, I'm going to go on vacation and see more of the world. Because they neglect all the stuff about, like, you know, Captain Nemo started building submarines because his wife and daughter were murdered or whatever, and that he hides under the ocean. They neglect all that. Sure. He mentions to say... Who needs character? No, fuck it. But, like, he says, like, I've been hiding under the sea.

Now it's time to take a cruise around the world. Who's with me? And they're all like, yeah, all right. And, like, stupid... Hey, Nemo, you got booze on that ship? Yeah, I'll be there. Stupid Nemo's just like... Or Mina Harker's like,

yes, I suppose all in our own way. We've all been hiding for several years. And Tom Sawyer's like, I work for the government, Publicly. I guess we truly were a league of extraordinary gentlemen. I guess in our own way, we're all invisible men. And like Tom Sawyer puts like his de facto father's gun on his grave, right?

Yep. And they walk away and then this shaman comes out of nowhere and starts. The first slayer comes out. That's also stupid. I was going to say it kind of looks like the dude from Peter Wears the last wave. Yeah, a little bit. When Richard Chamberlain's having all those hallucinations and he keeps seeing that dude. But yeah, so this dude starts casting a spell and then it's like a bunch of computer clouds come in.

It looks like the opening of the Rock. The Murphy, whatever logo, right? Murphy Simpson, that production company? I don't remember it. Maybe somebody? No. Sorry, Steve. I'll take your word for it, though.

Sure. but so this dude's just like dancing and like things are starting to light up and the grave's shaking and the league of extraordinary gentlemen is I guess far enough away that they don't come back like hey what the hell's going on and it's shaking enough the guns like rattling you know and all the you see all the sand and rock from his freshly dug grave yeah that is that's there's going to be a zombie Sean Connery in the sequel that's what they're good again, right? Zombie Alan Quarterman. Yep.

Oh, man, I wish. But then we just cut to black and we'll never know because worldwide this only made $137 million. That's embarrassing. It's really embarrassing. Yeah, and that's the end of the movie. There's no stinger. There's no nothing. Piece of shit.

I feel like they would have. There should have been Thanos coming out at the end, right? At least that. Talk about that infinity gauntlet. Please, God. I just want to hear about it. Took the infinity stone I did. Stown it right out of a dead alien's hand.

I mean, also, why bought, like, here's the thing. We know that the line of like, an Africa would never let me die. Why not have a classy ending where everyone walks away and you don't see the thing rattling? But you kind of have an idea that if you wanted to bring him back in the next movie, you can. Maybe Sean Connery's just standing by a tree. like we'll meet again friends or something like that not a vibrating grave

which is what you're left with why wouldn't Africa let him die right great like why specifically him why does he have to survive that sounds like a curse more than a blessing right that's true maybe it is a curse for being like the the whitest

hunter imperialist scumbagged colonizer in the book no I think he has some line about like, one time I saved a medicine man's son from getting killed or some nonsense. And then I started the apartheid

in South Africa. And that's, I think, well, actually, I was just about to say that's the last we'll see the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen on screen. But as recently as last month, they announced that they're trying to reboot it. Oh, really? Yeah. They've been talking about it. Well, yeah, I mean, why not? It's a really stupid thing, right?

It's not, I mean, like, as a comic series, it works. You know, because it's very, I mean, I wouldn't say dense because it is pretty light, but like all those references are there and Alan Moore knows what the fuck he's talking about. It's like, oh, that's fun. It's just, and that's, it's a thing that you can't make into a movie

because when you're hearing people say that stuff, it just sounds stupid. Yes. If you read it, it's like, that's fine. Or you can like allude to it with like a panel where it's just a picture of something, maybe that. No, no, you can't do this in a movie though. It'd be great.

If at the end of the movie, Paul Giamatti in the rhino's suit comes and digs Quatermain out. Come on, Quarterbane. I'm a rhino in Africa. Try to hunt me, you son of a bitch. God.

How embarrassed do you think he's going to be by then? I don't even want to think about that movie ever again. No, but think about it. Like, how embarrassed does he have to be? He was in a mech suit while also wearing an Adidas jumpsuit. Oh, gosh. That is in the island of the misfit stinger.

that rhino ending it's like here I come it's that it's you're never going to believe this yes this belongs there that's a misfit stinger oh yeah shaking the grave stuff where like it's you're so like here it comes that it's not nothing totally just nothing

did they do that in steel is there a steel stinger no steel was just like one and done see you later America oh man would anybody recommend this movie no it's really brainless and not fun

and it's kind of a shame for Sean I think Sean Connery should have retired at Temple Addo Nope last crusade Whichever one he was in it Last crusade Because he's great in that movie And it's got like so many like

Little nods to his career In a classy way It's done perfectly Because it's made by two guys That know how to make movies Well one and a half guys That's an exception I think this is one of the worst movies

We've done I know I say that a lot, but... It's understandable. I mean, this is up there with Son of the Mask. It's on... This movie's, like, almost unwatchable. I could barely pay attention to it. Yeah.

Well, it begs not to be watched. Please don't watch me, Eric. Look away, Eric. Turn around, Eric. Not like this. Not like this. No, yeah, I really want to echo Eric's sentiments here. Yes, echo.

Because it's a piece of shit. Like, There's no two ways, but this is one of those movies where I, 15 minutes into watching this thing, if you have any sense in the world, you're like, I am going to walk out of this eventually. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I've got to do it because I didn't see it in theaters.

And I remember putting it on like a DVD player and like 20 minutes in. I was like, can I turn this off? I was really like arguing with myself, Should I turn it off? I was like, no, I know everybody says it's the worst thing ever, so I have to watch it all the way through. That was the story of me and Van Helsing, although I did turn it off. Did you ever finish it, though?

Well, not only did I see Van Helsing in theaters. I did too. I saw this in theaters two times. Oh, my mother. Why? Because I watched it once, and I had you got all the literary references? Because I didn't know, I didn't read the comic. I didn't know what it was, I mean, I knew what it was about. It's other trailers, but, like, I was like, oh, wow, that's bad.

And other out, like, because From Hell was like two years before this, I think. Yeah. And that was the same like, wow, that was bad. And then I read the From Hell book and it's amazing. Sure. So I was like, oh, okay, that movie was bad. Let's check out this comic. And I read it and it's great.

And then I was like, let's just go back knowing what I know. And I went, you know, I watched it for free. I'm not wasting money on these things. But yeah, I watched it twice in theaters. And both times I did not walk out. I sat through the entire thing. I will say this, though. It's dumb enough.

it's shittily made enough so that like its color pilot is dark it's nighttime in almost every scene so there's no real bright things that happen this is kind of like a perfect hangover movie because it doesn't require your attention it looks like shit and it's slow as hell so you can just kind of sit on the couch sleep through it yeah just sleep right through it man but you know what in my hangover movies and i know we were talking about this uh last week with the perfect hangover movie is the fugitive. Because there are parts of it that you will want to pay attention to. And that's a key to a hangover movie, I feel, is that like you need those small stretches of moments where you're like, yeah, I do give a shit about this.

Just something that keeps you going so you don't fall into... A few morsels along the way is what I'm asking for. I kind of agree with Chris, your hangover movie does need to capture your imagination because we've gotten to the age when you're hung over where you just feel bad. about yourself and you do you do need to go to some other world for a little while yeah that's absolutely true you're rethinking life choices every ding dong day most like denzil washington movies yeah yeah because they're designed that's what they were supposed to be because about every like 20 minutes in a denzel washington movie you get a quick bit where he's yelling at somebody exactly and when he's yelling at somebody it's usually important information

and you're like oh oh you're like jarred awake like denzil's talk He's yelling at that guy. It's pertinent information. Oh, mercy me. That is the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen from 2003. Directed by not director Stephen Norrington, although he directed Chris Cabin's favorite movie, Blade. He did Blade.

So we have some thing to discuss here. This is Chris Cabin's last episode for a while. A little bit. You want to say what you're doing at all in any capacity? Um, I'm, uh, traveling for a while. He's joining a league of extraordinary gentlemen. He's leaving this league of extraordinary gentlemen for another one. Yes, I'll be making, I don't want to say the whole thing because I want to, you know, be able to reveal that later.

Oh, sure. He's an international man of mystery. Yeah. Too, uh, too busy for us these days. Yes. I'm abandoning you. He's got an enormous top hat. He's going to travel the globe.

I'm going to use it as like an inflated balloon. Totally. He'll be back. Africa. won't let him die. Yes. If I ever am feeling in danger, I'm going to shuttle myself to Africa to make sure I don't die.

But it's going to be a while. It's going to be like a year. It's going to be about a year. Yep. So the next season of the show will be Chris Cabin free, but we'll figure out ways to work you in here and there. I'll be sending dispatches somehow. Yeah, you know, tweet out I heart cabin. I heart crabbin

a little bit. Just to your favorite cabin moments. Let him feel something before he dies. You know. That's true. to die now? You never know. Okay, fine then. But you have spent, you know, just about five years being a solid anchor for this program, and we

thank you for your time that you've put in and you will be missed, but the show will carry on. We are out of here for the summer folks. Next week is the Green Lantern Live from Cambridge, Massachusetts that we did back in, oh, March or so, I believe. Pretty fun gig. We're talking about

Gorilla Grod there, too. A lot of that. And then we'll be in summer reruns, which everybody seemed to appreciate last summer, so that's what we're going to be doing. Chris's dulcid tones will be on those reruns. We have all new intros and outros for episodes. Oh, no, we're George

Lucasing Chris out of the show. I'm going to go and re-record his voice tracks. Yeah, we got one of those equalizers. We didn't have the technology at the time to not use Chris's voice. Now we could just... But now we got it. We developed the tech, and we can just

He's going to be replaced He's going to be replaced with Subalba Usabata Fusatamuza Oh, that's right, Chris Got him good Look for a whole lot of that

Oh God, that is so wizarding I might be popping up Here and there Oh yeah We'll find bits and bobs For you to pop on Little Easter eggs for Chris Cabin Well it's like when

Mulder left the X-Files You know he popped back on Every now and again But it's not a fire final thing. It's not like he's dying. Does Mulder die in that thing? He does technically die at one point and then he comes back to, you know what? That's not there's a zombie

mold. You know what? We shouldn't be talking about this. Ooh, zombie Chris. Zombie Chris. But so that's it, gang. Remember, when we come back in September, it is listener request month. All right, get those calls in now. Now, yeah. Hurry up with that.

It's coming to an end. You got to what the 18th we said. Yeah, you could Skype. We Hate Movies. And you got the number handy? 718.9253893 is the WHM hotline. Remember to call in and get those requests. That's it for us, gang. We're going on vacation. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisko. Stephen Seda. Thanks for listening and have a good summer. We love you, Chris. I'm going to be I'm going to be.

I'm going to I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm You know, and I'm going to be able to be. And so, you know, I'm going to be.

Thank you.