We Hate Movies - S5 Ep214: Green Lantern (Live in Cambridge, Mass)

Episode Date: July 28, 2015

Recorded live at the Lily Pad in Cambridge, Massachusetts - March 21st, 2015 On the WHM season finale, the guys are in Cambridge to talk about one of the absolute worst comic book movies on record, 2011's Green Lantern! How many times did we need to see Hal Jordan's dad burst into flames? Why did Abin Sur think Hal was the right man for the job out of the billions of people on the planet? And what was up with Hector Hammond and all that sauerkraut? PLUS: Extended discussion about the Flash, his television show, and Gorilla Grodd for some reason. Green Lantern stars Ryan Reynolds, Peter Sarsgaard, Blake Lively, Tim Robbins, Mark Strong, Angela Bassett, Jay O. Sanders, Clancy Brown, Geoffrey Rush, and the great Michael Clarke Duncan; directed by Martin Campbell. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Are you guys Are you guys excited? It's my pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys know him, you love them. Please welcome. We A. Movie. Hi. Hi. What's going on?

Oh, you're going there? What has happened? I don't know. Something happened. All right. All right. You're a dog here. That's something.

Your name's Annie. Annie? Annie is the dog? Okay. Any acting experience for that dog? These are screwed on so we don't steal them, apparently. How are you guys doing tonight? We are We Hate Movies from New York City. This is Chris.

I'm Andrew. Stephen. Eric. How many of you guys, and we're, We're going to get to the, we're going to sing you some nice A cappella, maybe some folk music apparently in a second. Dream on, dream.

How many people, where was that going? We were going to do Color Me Bad for about nine minutes. I was going to do nine minutes of Color Me Bad songs. Are you going to keep doing this too? Because you got to have a glove on, I think, if you're going to do that. How many of you guys, I almost fell to my death? Are you going to.

We guys are familiar with the program we run. the internet. All right. Okay. Any first time is here? You have no idea what you're here for? A couple of... Okay. Wow.

All right. Everybody. So, this is... It's an internet radio show. Also known as a podcast. Mostly known as a podcast. Mostly known as a podcast. We take bad movies and kind of just make fun of them for like 90-ish...

minutes or so. Maybe it'll be a little shorter tonight. Maybe it'll be longer. I don't know. It depends about how you guys are feeling about it. I appreciate by the way all the people sitting on the floor. That's very nice and considerate. A round of applause for the people that are sitting on the floor, everybody. Because we were like, man, everybody's going to be

standing, and then it's just going to be disaster. There's going to be fighting, and it's going to be crowded, right? It's going to be real right. It's going to be real right. So, we're here to talk about a superhero movie. a comic book movie one there's a couple of them that have been made so far

this year this year alone and I think it's scheduled to like what the apocalypse they have them lined up till whenever the fucking sun explodes or whenever that's supposed to happen when the apes are our masters they're still gonna be making

they're gonna make it a guerrilla grog movie that's when they're gonna they'll have to be able to shape all right hang on a second wait everybody wait hang on what the flash let me adjust my glasses as I said it Notice how he already went

The Flash! The Flash has an enemy named Gorilla Grodd. Guerrilla Greg? Grodd. I am Greg and I'm a gorilla. I don't know why I'm here but the hospital said I had to show up every Tuesday. This is my ID.

It's just a slip of paper. So can he outrun the gorilla? Well, yeah, he can outrun everybody. He's the fastest man and or gorilla alive. Is he stronger than the gorilla? Oh, no, absolutely not. That gorilla will fucking kill you. All right, now wait a second. Is that gorilla talking? Oh, yeah, that girl is talking up a blue streak.

Why is that gorilla talking? Because he's a genius. He was raised on, I believe, Gorilla Island. Is that... Oh, does he wear clothes? Guerrilla City, thank you. They have a whole metropolis of gorillas? So is this Planet of the Apes timeline? No, it's just a weird...

I believe it's just a city that time forgot, and it's just run by... Run by gorillas, four gorillas. There's, like, a guerrilla council and a guerrilla society. We're here where guerrillas get used to it. We're going to do guerrilla things. All right, so, but that's not what we're here to talk about. No, it's not.

Guerrilla grog is for another day. Grod. What? I just don't want to be. Oh, for Christ's sake. Let's figure it out for the... G-R-U-D, like Paul Rud with a straight spelling. No, G-R-O-D-D-D, because it's an extra D.

G-R-D. Grod, yeah, Grod, I apologize. I'm sorry, my apologies to all of Gorilla City. It's like Smith over there? It's a family name. Was it like mutated at Gorilla Ellis Island at all?

Grogzuski, they just cut it right off. Yeah, it would have to do it. All right, well, we're talking about the Green Lantern from 2011, directed by Martin Campbell, who directed two of the best James Bond. movies of all time, Golden Eye and Casino Royale. So this is a slip. Well, you know what, ma'am?

That's where we're going to try to get the bottom of this evening. So bear with us. We'll try to crack that nut. It's from 2011, like that matters. But so, wait, how many people, I'm seeing like some green around. There was a Coast City. Yeah. Which I just learned about four hours ago. That's where he's from.

That is right. So how many people here are Green Lantern officiados? Yeah. Some folks... That died a lot quicker than I thought it was. I'm so sorry, Steve. I'm not allowed to clap at my own show.

That's the problem. People told me not to do that. Ben, I was at the We A movie show, and the one with the glasses kept fucking clapping for himself. He thought he was funny. He did. All right, so, well, so there's, like,

eight of you that, like, the comics. How many of you, though, saw the movie? Yeah, all right. How many of you saw the movie not anticipating the show happening? You saw beforehand. That kind of died just about a story. fast as I thought it was going to.

And that's the sound we all made after we saw the movie, too. Well, Monday morning, it was like water cooler conversation. Oh, I saw Green Lantern. Oh, how was it? Terrible. You shouldn't see it. It's the quickest trip to the water cooler ever. Exactly. See you later, Barry. Stop fucking talking to me at work, Barry.

Barry Allen? That's the flash. All right, thank you. Hi, I'm the temp, Gorilla Grod. I can really work a fax machine. looking for temp to perm though I just moved here from Gorilla City

they were talking about the Green Lantern movie or they were supposed to but they just kept talking about the fucking flash motherfucker doesn't even have a movie he's got a shitty TV show I don't say that in here

you guys watch that flash program yeah people like alright I was just cracking jokes calling it shitty but is it good all right it's really good okay well all right let's see if I can get the

CW on the old Hulu. Now, here's where I want to get the Venn diagram. So the folks that said that you were the fans of the comic line, you also, it seems like that's me, yes? I'm the representative. Keep talking about me. Folks who were fans of the comic line who then

saw the movie, what kind of level of heartbreak are we talking about here? Yeah, okay. That makes sense. Again, that went exactly as I thought it would. I mean, it's one of the most single, most devastating moments of my life. And I have zero grandparents left alive. I have actually zero grandparents right now.

It's true. He doesn't give a shit. Why should you? So we start this movie with, it's Jeffrey Rush. He's narrating as if it was any help to you. Now this is, I don't know anything about the Green Lantern except one time in middle school, bought a Green Lantern T-shirt from a hot topic

because I thought it was kind of cool looking. It's a good design. Yeah. It was fancy, right? I was like, this is cool and people like it, so I'll wear it and people like me. That's how that shit works. So, I had no idea what's going on. So we always complain, like, oh, there wasn't a scroll. Where was the intro? Well, we had one

for this, and it's fucking useless. Because he's just talking about, like, and then there was this race, and there was that race. Am I going too fast? It doesn't matter because it's just going to keep going. And so already I'm totally checked out of this movie. It's like page six of the Green Lantern Handbook. He starts there, goes to page eight, and then forgets about everything else.

He's like, you guys are all cool with this, right? I'm just going to continue reading this. It's the Guardian. Everybody knows the Green Lantern. It's a magic ring that lets him do everything he wants, right? Anything that's on his mind? Yeah. And then there's a core of there's a Green Lantern Civil Engineer Corps or something.

And it's powered by will. Willpower, yeah. Willpower. That's pretty cool. Not a lot of fat green lanterns They're all pretty in shape They can say no I wasn't wondering that

There weren't more Yeah well because you have to have a lot of self-control Or just be a total prick like Ryan Reynolds Because that's all he is in this movie He's such an asshole He's the biggest asshole to ever put Like a mask over his face Like this side of Zorro

And I'm not talking about the Green Lantern in general I'm just talking about the way Ryan Reynolds portrays this person It's disgusting. And by the way, we're going to be talking about the extended edition. Everyone's like, there was a what? Who could possibly care? I don't know the difference, but I think there's a lot more of like little asshole growing up.

Kids, it's just kids. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of kids in this. It's going to isolate the audio of you just going, it's kids! It's kids! Kids! Everybody got that. burned in so it's yeah

the extended edition is like it's a bunch of like alien nonsense and it's like oh Gleap did this and they fell in a hole and they fucking set this giant

flying turd thing free and I'm just sitting there trying to take notes like uh huh yeah all right nothing nothing nothing

so yeah so then we meet little it's like baby Ryan Reynolds yeah and baby Peter Sarsgarde and baby Blake I was at Blake Nelson Blake Lively

It's like the Muppet Babies here It's a what? Like the Muppet Babies It is like the Muppet Babies If the Muppet Babies were introduced Into this movie world Better movie Right

If when the Muppet Babies grew up They were all different ages Even though they were portrayed To be the same age at the same time And I think what we're missing there Is some sort of like cryostasis thing That they just cut out Because like Peter Sarsgarde's 44 years old

Ryan Reynolds is like 38 and Blake Lively is like 12 But in this flashback scene They're all like best school chums Well that's just the Green Lantern Superpower He willed him His school enemy to be a decade older than him And his school

Grow up nerd And he keeps making her younger It's weird Strange Oh yeah I don't know He doesn't get too weird with her in this movie Well, no, that's the monster of Hollywood not allowing a 35-year-old woman anywhere near a movie screen. No, he can be as old as he wants, but she can't be anywhere near 35. That's gross.

But the thing about it is... I apologize for any 35-year-old women. I mean, it's just Hollywood doesn't want you. It's not my fault. Ryan Reynolds is so damn cut and handsome in this movie, though. You can't really tell, like, what age he is. Peter Sarsgaard is 40 fucking 4 in this movie. He looks like a pedophile John Carpenter in this movie. This look, someone, someone looked at that and was like, yep, film it. Get him out of the trailer, get him over there, and turn that camera on, Martin, because that's deliciously disgusting.

He's gnarly in that movie, man. So, yeah, it's a, we, in the extended edition, I apologize for keeping you here longer than you have to be. But he, we watch his dad die, which is what you want. Well, because his dad is an arrogant shit, just like he grows up to be. And he's like, all right, see you later, Hal. And he, like, gives him a wink and gets to do a plane and explodes. Seconds before that explosion, he gives a really shitty thumbs up. I don't want my last action on this earth to be like,

ha ha, ha, taking off, kids. Sure hope I don't blow to pieces in seconds. But it's such a traumatic event that Ryan Reynolds does everything to follow in his father's footstep. If my dad, like, exploded before my eyes as a, like, military test pilot, I'm working at Dunkin' Donuts. Yes. Because there's nothing really that could explode at a Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not going to be engulfed in my name. Well, you'd be surprised.

Yeah? Yeah. Well, they did introduce all those, like, meat sandwiches. Yeah, they got all types of toaster ovens. Dunkin' Donuts was not ready for chicken, all right? They were... Chicken salad, which means mayonnaise. Yes.

Why? You put fried dough and stick jelly and cream in it, you arrogant pricks. It's a continental breakfast. That's all you can do. I've had better continental breakfast than a Dunkin' Donuts. But I was out of Dunkin' Donuts yesterday. I want to tell you this. Oh, please.

You had like an extra large coffee? And I guess they don't like sell extra large coffees at this branch that. much. It's a fucking cup with a contest on it. It's like pull the thing and you can never win a thing ever. So I look at it, it's a Christmas contest. They had that cup since before Christmas and there's, wow, it was so gross. That means nothing to anyone here. But listen, try getting a Christmas cup in fucking late March. It'll turn your stomach. Andrew drooping in the cup before Christmas? So his dad's just charred

And it's the first of two times In this movie this man has to watch a father Or father figure Burned a death before his eyes It's the first of two times We have to watch him burn to death Oh yeah We see that guy crisp up a couple of times

A couple times Right because then he now he's a fighter pilot Now he's flying the plane Yeah now he's flying the plane And he's having trouble too Because it's a difficult job He is And he's being a real showboat

A real asshole about it That's the problem Yeah, he's like chasing some drones down. Like, hey, let's see how good this plane is. And he ruins the plane. And he's choking up, and he gets a flashback of the last 10 minutes we just saw. It's so insane that they would think to leave this in for anything because you just fucking watched it. Like, I know.

Just because you put a filter on it doesn't mean it looks older. I know that it was five minutes ago. And yet he died, I mean, his whole job. is to make this one other plane look good. Like, he's, like, the Washington Generals versus the Harlem Globetrotters. That's, you're exactly right. And he's got to throw the match.

Like, that's what you're paid to do. And, you know, he, like, power checks everybody and, like, wins the game. And that's not what the Washington Generals are supposed to do. That's kind of a great idea for a movie, though. It's, like, it's about a dude who's on the Washington Generals.

And, like, it's just a season with the Globetrotters and he's just, like, tired of being humiliated. And just one day they're on the course. and he's just like, fuck this. And just like goes to the hole and just jams on this dude and all the globetrotters are looking around like, he's going off book!

He's going off book! This is the part where I'm supposed to blow glitter in his face and he's fucking it up! You were supposed to take a dive, kid. Oh, and then the mafia gets involved. It turns out the mafia runs all of fake basketball. And they're like, we saw that match you play.

at the old folks gymnasium you were supposed to go down I just imagine like he does the old like check to the face and he catches it one-handed and it's like Planet of the Apes no oh yeah

yeah and it's just and then he goes he goes off but yeah so Ryan Reynolds is supposed to like let this it's like a dog fight pardon me a simulated dog fight careful what was sugar

whatever the dog's okay dog's fine we're saying dog fight I don't want her to hear it is the dog fight and he decides to win it you know what I mean and like he put you know he at the

after it everyone is giving him so much shit because he went off book yeah and he caused everyone their jobs essentially everyone their jobs millions of dollars because this like stealth bomber just fell out of the sky a billion dollar piece of equipment and he's like he's the one that's getting indignant at them

and it's so frustrating and you're supposed to be like but I'm going to grow to love this guy right like he's going to save the world one day he's going to get his magic ring and he's going to learn the error of his ways. Nope. Spoiler, he's a fucking prick through the entire movie. So, the dad's dead, the plane's dead, and everybody's

fired. Yeah, the business is dead. And so the dad of Peter Sarsgaard is Tim Robbins. And he's like the airplane magnate. Oh, is he? Oh, is he a politician in this movie? I think he wears a couple of hats.

He's a senator. See, this is great because instead of like hearing about it later on the internet we can crowdsource you guys right now when we fuck up things Blake Blake Lively's family is the owner Oh with the great J.O. Sanders Right and Tim Robbins is getting a piece of the action

giving it to the government you know? Oh I see. Oh now it's coming together. Dirty politics. I see. So while this is all going on there's some aliening that's happening and so this is what we're going to need you for so there's a purple thing

Abin Ser April people eater here. Yeah, he's gross looking. He's the guy who played what's his... Django Fet. It's Django Fet. One of two New Zealand folks in this movie. Bizarrely for no reason?

For absolutely no reason. So he's like, oh yeah, someone let that thing out that I put away a billion years ago or something. The parallax, Andrew. It's a parallax. So... I just... No, I know. People paid for a full comedy show.

I just want to make sure it's accurate. It's the Paralyx. So as a fan, though, when you heard Parallax, we were like, fuck, yeah. The Parallax. Yeah, I was like, hey, cool, that's awesome. So when you saw the parallax in this movie, what were you like?

That looks like cat diarrhea. It's like wormy cat diarrhea that's moving on its own. Is that what, that's what you thought? I thought it was like Marjorie, the Trial. Trash Sheep from Fragle Rock. Just like moving through, an evil Marjorie to Trash Sheep, moving through space. Man, she got a bad rap on the show.

Yeah, I mean, she would have to get bullied a little bit more for her to become the parallax. Well, like, every episode of that show, when someone discovers her for the first time of the initial reaction, it's like, ugh. Maybe it is, it is the trash sheep in a science fiction future of Fraggle Rock. Oh, it's a combined universe, you think? Yeah, I think it's all, it's all

She grew up and murdered that old man and the dog. Yeah, yeah. And she was like, no! And she booked it for space, got some space powers, got locked into some planet. Was trash heap her designation, or was that what people called her? Was she like, I want to... Oh, that's fucked up. No.

So you don't think if you looked at her business card, it was like Marjorie, comma, trashy? And if not, she's been beaten into that role, you know what I mean? That's... I mean, every day, it's the rats, it's the owner of the house, it's that puppet dog. And it's not like fragles look that good anyway. You know what I mean? I'm uglier than a frackle. I wanted to be a dancer.

So this thing's doing this through space, cat diarrhea. And, you know, Aben, sir, who's like eight feet tall for some reason. Who? The purple people eater you were talking about. Django Fet, Eric. Oh, ooh, I know that name. Dumb it down, boy. And they get into a space fight

And he gets like shot in the shoulder Like it's any old cop movie And there's like jelly falls out of him It's gross And as a green lantern He gets in a spaceship Which doesn't make any sense Because you're a fucking green lantern

Fly someplace And or make your own space Why do you need a brick and mortar spaceship If you have a ring That can do anything in the world And this is what's awesome about it Because he's trying to escape this thing And he's flying through these tunnels

and it's going so fast you can't see shit because this movie's garbage. And he gets out and you've seen green lanterns fly before and they can really like book it, right? He gets in this thing and it like the bay opens and you're like, yeah, get out of there!

And it goes, and he hears like a radio communication. He's like, I'm going to the nearest planet with life as best as I can. And I'm like, dude, the ring is. faster, man.

Maybe because all the jellies falling out of him. He can't, like, concentrate. He doesn't have the will anymore. Oh, the will? Yeah. It makes perfect sense, dude. Makes total sense this movie. Yeah, he's got it in neutral the whole time.

He's just trying to reach the fucking thing. So he crashes on Earth and is, like, basically dead. So then, like, in a very well-populated area. Oh, yeah. Like, there's a house behind him that no one seems to mind that a spaceship crashed and a big fucking

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar alien pulled out. I think you're supposed to think it's like a lightkeeper's house, right? So, like, I imagine the lightkeeper's just like looking down, like, look at that. It appears to be an alien spacecraft. Why should I care? No one cares about the lighthouse keeper.

And he just folds his fucking arms and watches and die. No, he should... Yeah, he should walk down and investigate. Grab a lantern. Oh. And then he gets there and he's like,

don't bother. I brought my own. So what, he sends like a little butterfly out of that ring? Does this happen a lot with real people? Well, no, he's like, hey, I'm dying. There's a selection process. Let me find the bravest man

on earth who is not in the military. Sorry, he's not a fireman. Fuck you, fireman. He happens to be a test. pilot who's a dick and he flies at it abducts Ryan Reynolds

right after he's receiving the beating of the lifetime those before oh man I just want to talk about it so bad oh he's getting his ass kicked it's great so he gets asshole his way to the other side of the world

or I guess it's the other side of town it's just so happens what does your shirt say Coast City that's where they live it's the other side of Coast City it just so happens he falls and he's like all right go scan the entire world

for the bravest man oh he's 20 miles away you're sure you're doing your job right are you just trying to half-ass it right now there's not a Japanese guy that's really brave so this is what I hate when sci-fi movies do this

when a human being sees an alien for the first time especially in a world where we have an established first contact right it really bothers me he bothers me too He just looks, and it's his thing is just dying, and he's like, instantly

like, I'm going to help this thing, we're going to get you to a hospital. I was like, no, acknowledge that it's a fucking alien. There's a spaceship, there's jelly coming out of a purple person with green spandex on. It's probably evil. Also kill it.

Yeah, you should like suffocate it. It's just like that last season of Sopranos where Tony's just putting his fucking hand over Christopher's mouth. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. If you see an injured alien, that's what you do. Yeah, absolutely.

Straight execution. Because that's the only time you have an advantage over an alien. I think that's how we have to treat the whole, like, is there other life out there? Yeah. We'll find you. Don't come to us. You do not want an alien with nothing to lose. They got powers.

So he gives them the jewelry and he's like, say the oath and then dies. so he doesn't know what the oath is or what's going on. So we go back to Ryan Reynolds' killer bachelor pet. Yeah, this thing's fucking sick. Two bicycles hung from the wall, you guys. Oh, my God. Exposed brick. I just didn't think it was a six-figure job.

You know what I mean? Test pilot? Yeah. Well, here's what I think is going on. This company's doing a lot of, like, secret government testing. You're getting paid to shut up. A little blackwater stuff going on there? Oh, absolutely.

Anything weird like that that you can think of. They're, like, doing shit, and, you know, it's like, yeah, you're just a test pilot, but we'll pay you to, like, you know. Right. It's like Area 52. Coast City, Area 52. You haven't heard of it? That's okay.

Yeah, also, by the way, just Ryan Reynolds buries this alien, I guess? Like, he buries it. Set it the fuck on fire. Look, you tried to save it. That's noble, I guess. But it died. Burn it. Just burn it.

You don't, if it starts, like, you know, decomposing or whatever? You don't know what acid's coming out of that fucking thing? What if he's made of anthrax? What if he is made of anthrax? It's entirely possible if he starts decomposing anthrax. Maybe that was the whole... Maybe he was

like an alien comic cause and he was supposed to just land there and die in the first place. And then stuff starts shooting out of the jelly hole. Burn it. Were you disgusted that I said jelly hole? Jelly hole was the one that did it for me? I got to tell you. All right. I'm sorry.

That's okay. I'm going to let you do what you're doing. So this thing is buried under a pile of rocks like fucking William Shatner in that Star Trek movie. Which is like, again, it's so disrespectful. Dig a hole because like scorpions are getting at him out there in the desert.

You're right next to the ocean. Dump it into the ocean. Bob durst that shit. There we go. Get it in a couple of garbage bags and then just cut it up and throw it in the bay. killed them all of course What happened to that fucking alien head is the question

Nobody knows what happened to that alien head That dude definitely fucked it though So he calls his pal And he's like hey pick me up I just saw an alien it's weird Dude you're getting that phone call by the way Now are you guys showing up for that Not at all well I can't try

Are you guys showing up for that? Oh man this fucking alien crash I tried to save it but it's dead come pick me up No one's getting in their car I swear to God, this is alien blood. It's not weird. And he gave me jewelry. Man, you guys, did you get that call from Steve last night? He totally killed a hooker and robbed her.

Said it was an alien that gave him a ring. Oh, wait, you didn't go? I thought you went. Oh, no. He's totally in jail now. He's all right. This alien gave me this money belt. But, like, as they're driving away, there's police. Like, oh, my God. a big, why isn't there

a side story about, oh, there is actually, I just forgot. Wait, a side story about what? No, Angela Bassett was like, who finds this alien? I'm like, oh wait, Angela Bassett shows up. Sorry. Oh, she works for the government? Yeah, we would edit that out if it was a podcast.

Now, she's what, Amanda what, Waller? Amanda Waller. And she's what now? She's a brassy lady. She runs all sorts of like suicide squads and other things, checkmates if you're into that. What is that?

That's like the nerd brigade? You got suicide squad You got checkmates It's a chess club Yeah exactly For superheroes Oh man did you pass the test Yeah

Oh yeah you got suicide squad awesome I got chest I got checkmate What you guys think about that suicide squad movie That's going to be coming out huh Yeah that's going to be total garbage right All right Stay tuned

You ain't wrong pal And so Basically like he He goes to his house. He's trying to figure out how this lantern works with the ring, right? Oh, that's a moment for comedy. Because just right when I'm starting to fall asleep, I want my interest in this movie to be renewed by Ryan Reynolds

just kind of improvving for a while. And he's like trying to do... It's like the thing when some idiot in a movie's trying to, like, get a door to open or some shit, and they do like Open Sesame and Al-A-Casam. Yeah, that's the one. And you're just laughing your fucking balls off. Oh, yeah.

That's all I wanted in my Green Lantern movie. It's a He-Man reference. Makes me thinking about watching Masters of the Universe and I'm like, I wish I could turn this off and put that on. It's a better movie. It is a better movie. Who's in better shape,

Dolph Longrenner, and Ryan Reynolds? It depends on what you like. It's fair. That's actually very fair. I'll say Dolph. I think we all skewed Dolph, Lundgren, right? I think we're going to golf, yeah. I kind of feel like it's,

Dolph Lundgren v. the rest of the world. Even now. Even like this. I'm sure that's going through his head right now. It's like me and everybody else, right? Everybody else. Well, he's been pouring concrete into his blood for the past six years or whatever he does. So it's a bunch of, like, we're going to try to find out

what's happening with this ring. Ryan Reynolds is like, oh, what's this movie about? And he's like, I guess I don't know. And he's like trying to figure it out. And it doesn't fucking work. So then we've got to stop everything. So he can go to a bar with Blake lively and kind of like try to patch things up,

but we don't know why the patch was torn off in the first place. Yeah, and some guys like, oh, is that her uncle? Like, no, no, they grew up together. They're the same age. Are you sure? Like the bartender in the backgrounds with like drying a glass, like, okay. We also get a passing glance

at a framed photo on the wall of his dead father just to remind you. Why would you hang out at a bar where they idolize your dead dad of the wall? like that just like you'll never be him but it's not even like behind the bar it's not like it's in the bathroom no it's just like right near the bathroom right near the

fucking toilet well because he was a test pilot too the real fighter pilots are up front I guess that's true the test pilots hang out in the bathroom area do you think there's a only the dead one maybe they write under it like his life was shit you could take one over here died right after giving a thumbs up

oh that's by the bathroom shit the bed died fucking it up bathroom So they have, like, no chemistry because, you know, they're both a couple of stone faces. And Ronald's like, all right, I don't want to go out to my sick white guy car, right? So he goes out to his Dodge Charger, right? It's a Challenger.

Yeah, a Challenger, I apologize. Do you think that's his dead dad's car? No, it probably is. Well, he's wearing his Dead Dad's jacket. He's driving his Dead Dad's car. And he is, so he gets jumped by a couple of people that got laid off. because he was a dick which is the best part of the movie so you're just like all right their anger's justified that's cool and oh they're beating the shit out of him right now

perfect let's slow-mo this that's a great kick to the stomach all right oh punch right to the throat at the chin he's just getting his ass handed to him and then in a moment like any like brave fighter right you know he's a superhero he's a real down-to-earth guy grabs a handful of nails and tries to throw them at these people but then like the ring activates for some reason and he death punches all of them it's a triple fatality and it's amazing

they are so dead one dude goes through one side of a car and out the other side car alarms are going off everywhere it rocked the earth a dude goes clean through a brick wall the hole in the wall is like that and he's just through it

and you're like that dude's fucking dead and we don't know what happened to those nose nails. Your face is like shrapnel. Yeah, it's just shred it off. Their face is just gone. Yeah. But no one cares. No one cares.

Because there's no news organizations in Coast City, apparently. Nobody comes out of the bar that's two feet away. If that shit happened out there, everyone would run outside and go, what the fuck was that? I saw a light green explosion.

And now everyone's dead. It looks like a cartoon ran through a wall. Coast City has no police, only the secret alien police. They're on fucking watch out, man. They're looking for it. And so he gets abducted again now to Green Lantern nerds. Oa, which is where all of his friends live. It's like the headquarters.

Yeah, it's like the Green Lantern Firehouse. They all live there. And this is where we just get... And now you're looking at the clock, right? And you're like, fucking 45 minutes. They didn't even put on the suit yet. What is happening? He doesn't know what a Green Lantern is until, like, an hour and 14 minutes.

Except that one that's in his living room. He's like, that toy does something. But so now we get like this, it's not a training montage. It's three really long training scenes. It's three bad Mortal Kombat fights, because the graphics are, I mean, we can talk about the suit now, which is terrible, which is one of the worst decisions. And, you know, I'm obviously a huge comic book fan,

and I was like, this is the last time I ever did it, because it was so ungratifying, which is like, look it up at Shet photos, and oh my God, all the casting rumors. That was the last time you visited Joe Blow.com. Yeah, and Ain't it cool news.

I was all like, I fucking turned in my ain't a cool news card on the way out of the theater. Because I was just like, I don't need to spend a year of my life getting ready to be disappointed. But was it because those news organizations were like, oh man, it's going to be awesome.

We've seen set photos and it's awesome. Well, because he's in a mocap suit the whole time because, oh, my God, no one could ever physically design a suit that's the Green Lantern suit. You need computers for that. It's disgusting. And you can see, like, if you haven't seen the movie, like where the suit stops and his flesh starts, it's garbage.

It's like a blurry line, and it looks like it's broken. And you're watching it, and it was like, remember that time the Wolverine leaked? Oh, God. And you could watch him fight Ryan Reynolds on top of that smoke stick. For a second, I thought you're talking about something entirely different. No, no, no, no, no, that first movie. Yeah, yeah, no, I get it.

And it wasn't finished. I thought the movie wasn't finished. Look how shitty that is. Oh, no, wait, it's a Blu-ray? Oh, this is finished. This is considered finished. So we meet the fish chicken. What's his name?

Tomar Ray. Tomaray. And that's Jeffrey Rush. And then there's like a big guy. Killawog? Killowog, yes. 1.21 kilowog. Which is because I'm terrible

and a loser as I was doing the entire time. and that's voiced by Michael Clark Duncan, rest of peace. All right, seriously. I mean, you know, he's... Michael Clark Duncan is acting in this movie. Jeffrey Rush is like playing Tetris while, like, doing exposition. He's like, oh, yes, because of all the guardians.

Oh, shit, that block. I don't need a block. You're giving it too much credit because you're speaking, like, directly into the microphone. I feel it's like a this. And he's like, I'm not turning. And some, like, intern has to come over. It's like, will you do it now?

Will you read the fish chicken now? And then Michael Clark Duncan's playing a big guy because he's got a big guy voice too, I guess. And also, the score that they give, like, the score is totally regular. It's, like, heroic, whatever. And then Michael Clark Duncan shows up, and it's bass guitar. Nothing but bass guitar. It's so weird.

and I was like, can music be racist like that? Because it's just like horse shit strings and then he drops down like the next Mortal Kombat villain and it's like and they even make the stupid computer alien like fucking strut over and he's just like

you're ready to get fucking beat up and I was like what why can't he just talk like an alien? Well that's the weird thing is apparently Jeffrey Rush is a white fish chicken and Michael Clark Duncan is a black dog man or whatever the fuck they because they fuck up the kiloog design

ladies and gentlemen Oh they fucked it right up They fucked it up They fucked it up What does he look like? Guerrilla Grod would be rolling over In his grave right now Is he dead?

No I don't know I know they kill those people off Yeah he's bad He may well be dead You think that's like If they were to announce Like they was announced like It's the death of spirit

Spider-Man is coming and issue whatever, right? If they were like, Guerrilla Grads gonna die and then is anyone like going out to buy it, like caring, me? It was like, are you open yet? Guerrilla Grads dying this week. So now we're just gonna do some training and we can't forget the best one

who looks like your super sunburned middle school history teacher which is Sinestro played by Mark Strong. Which I think is the greatest example of slumming it in this. movie because he is a fantastic actor and he just looks like a sunburnt dude he looks like fucking Mike Ditka on ESPN

the thing is it's one of those things that obviously like reading something in a comic book and like having to watch a movie or two totally different things and when the villain of the comic book secretly is named Sinestro that's one thing that's close to another word

oh Sinister I was thinking Maestro Is he like the sinister maestro of the galaxy? He's like, he's evilly conducting things. You're going to die. Didn't Batman have a villain like that? I would have felt like a maestro. Oh, there must have been a tap dance and maestro at some point.

Well, they had that Eggman guy, that suck. That dude that had time issues. Yeah. Gallagher Man? Gallagher Man? It's me Gallagher Man. And we're going to have a bunch of exploding watermelons. And they're going to kill you.

Robin, someone's destroying all of Gotham's watermelons. All Godthum's produce. How did you blank on that? He's smashed one fluke for fucking 50 years. I'm focusing on one goddamn green thing tonight. Fair enough. And, you know, he's secretly evil, the whole movie. He looks like the devil.

And his name is Sinestro. And everyone's like, well, that guy's on the leg. level. I don't know about everyone else, but that guy's on the level. It's such a bad job of trying to hide it because they make him give all these speeches to like the whole core. I guess he's like the general manager

of this Green Lantern Best Buy that they all fucking work at. And he's like, he's the one that's like, we have to overcome the big cat diarrhea thing. It's coming for us. And they're like, do you mean parallax? And he's like, I don't know. I just saw a picture of it. We'll have to deal with it

at some point. I don't know when, though. This movie does not instill a lot of faith in the Green Lantern Corps as like an organization that's supposed to fight together and die together. No, they just want Ryan Reynolds to do it all. It's so lazy. It's the laziest core people. They also keep bringing, like he's addressing the General Assembly or whatever of these monsters.

And he keeps on talking about like how Ryan Reynolds has got some big shoes to fill. It's like he's following Letterman. The Letterman of it. the Green Lanterns died last week? That's, yes. Well, that's the other thing, too. So the other fella that he's taken over for, what's that guy's name?

Abin Ser. Yeah, sure. He's just like, you know, Abe and Sir was a good friend of mine and we fought a lot of great battles and you look like shit. You look like you're going to fail instantly. I have no faith in you.

I can picture like this is like two cops. Like, this is your new partner. And the guy's like, you're fucking garbage. But Ryan Reynolds is so cocky. like this does not deter him at all. And we get this training thing, and he fights Michael Clark Duncan, sort of not really. Jeffrey Rush is like

the philosophical one, and he teaches him how to use the thing. It's just like training nonsense. On the other side of this, though, we do have Avensers Alien Autopsy. Oh, yeah. Because this is when finally Peter Sarsgaard shows up. 45 minutes into this movie,

Peter Sarsgarde finally waltzes in. Now, wait, is it the first shot of him eating Sourcrow? with Tabasca sauce on a premium cracker. Yeah. That's the first you're introduced to this character. It tells you everything you need to know. He's also doing, like, he's a computer genius,

so he's got three different screens with three different chess games happening. Oh, is he in Checkmate or whatever it was going on? He very well may be. Is that what if it was Checkmate? Yeah, sure. Does he start that? Maybe.

He's like, I'm shitty. I can't be a villain, but I can't. can be the evil people's chess club president. So he is tapped to do this alien autopsy. Big deal, by the way. Huge deal. Again, first contact with alien life, right? So these dudes, like, knock at his door,

a couple of MIBs, you know, come a call, and he opens this door, and you get that look, right? And it's kind of like Eric Stultz and Mask. Like, he sort of looks like that. He kind of looks like famed pornographer, on Jeremy, there's like a little bit of that going on. Well, his hairline starts here and he lets it blow out in the

back, which you never should do. You've got to keep that shit high and tight if your hair line starts here, which is fine. Nothing's wrong with it. You just can't have long conductor hair. I feel like, though, people will give you the benefit of the doubt if you shave off that mustache.

It's got to go. You can't have that here with this there. It's creepy. And so, like, they knock on the And I would be like, my first response is like, oh, do you want to see the inside of my computer? Do you have to look at what's on here? So he goes, and he does this alien autopsy, and he's cutting this thing open, and he's, like, super excited about it. And he gets, like, bit by part of it or something happens?

Something's in there, and it bites him. It's yellow, which we know is bad, green e-good, yellow-y-bad. Right, it's like a space worm or something. It's like energy or, it's, wait, wait, the bad energy is fear? Yes. And the good energy is will. Yes, yeah, yeah. You've got to keep that straight,

especially for the end of the movie. Things get a little complicated. And fear is yellow. Yeah, because you're cowards. You're scared. Yeah, it's yellow. Or it's like you're pissing your pants. Yeah.

Also bad. And green is good because everybody loves the Irish. So there's a disgusting shot in this scene where it's like through the jelly hole. Like the camera is in the jelly hole and you have this monster looking in doing this autopsy and he just reaches his hand in there and it just like feels around I guess

is like, is this alien supposed to have this hole? I don't know. I've never met an alien before. But so I'm going to get elbow deep in this alien and he gets bit by this thing. Yeah, and now he turns into, you thought he was disgusting before and then it just gets so much worse than there

because his head starts growing, which is the one place no one wants anything to grow. You know what I mean? Like if I, oh man, legs got longer oh man you know make your own joke there but like his head starts growing yeah you know he you should have had like a 10 gallon cowboy hat or something oh balance that shit out a little bit yeah if there's like you know

if he doesn't get murdered in this movie like he makes it to the sequel that also didn't happen but theoretically in this world where this is a huge success and there's a sequel there's a scene where he has to like go out in public and it's like Raphael in those Ninja Turtles movies he's gonna put like a trench coat on with like the big hat and he's just gonna be like going into a CVS, like, yes, I do need power aid. And they're just like, what? Are you buying Powerade or, like, hitting on me?

What is that noise you're making? And you smell like sourcrow. It's disgusting. So Ryan Reynolds gets 48 hours of Green Lantern training, and it's like, fuck it, that's all I need, and comes back to Earth, right? To be an intergalactic cop two days. Total tops, two days.

You're an expert. It's an ROTC meeting. That's all it is. So we have, Tim Robbins is happy to announce that the, I guess the aviation company is launching this whole thing. And you're like, wow, it's like an hour into this movie. How about some Green Lantern action? How about anything?

Anything, yeah. How about literally anything? I just watched a man eat sauerkraut with hot sauce on it. Perfectly fulfilling my excitement, paying $15 to see this movie. Sure. So it's a big, like, gala presentation, right? And we're showing off high-tech shit because we're ripping off Iron Man. left and right left and right and up and down so Blake lively's like hey Ryan Reynolds no one's mad at you anymore because even though you cost us like a billion dollars and everyone lost their job

we actually got all those sweet government funding so how about that shit and so they're at this premiere and they're going to like launch the planes and whatever and Peter Sarsgaard's there this is the first time they've seen Peter Sarsgaard so it's like a weird high school reunion thing where they're just all like Hector oh Hector and he's like no what happened to you. Yeah, and he knows what's going on. Like the first reaction was the accurate reaction. And he's like creeping on Blake

lively. Well, he there's the grossest scene in the entire movie is Hector Hammond orders a martini and it's on the bar and handless goes like this. And that's how he takes his first sip with his mustache.

And you're definitely getting mustache hairs in your martini and that's disgusting. And it's not like a character trait where you see him do it later he just does it and it has to be a thing where they did 20 takes and he refused to do anything but that mouth slur

and you know they were just like to pick up the fucking glass just drink like a human being would do that and he's like but I'm technically not a human being anymore I got bit by that jelly hole I'm other now so he's like sipping this thing and it's disgusting

he's hitting up like lively and it's disgusting and then he's like talking to Tim Robbins, his father, and he, like, hates his rotten guts. Like, that's the, it's very crucial that you remember that for later on, which is the best scene of this movie. So his dad's like, all right, done with this party, going to hop in a helicopter now. Like, everyone's going to leave here tonight in a helicopter. And so the powers that he's getting are kind of, like, telepathy, like, he can move stuff.

He can also, like, read minds. He's doing the whole thing. And he's like, you know, there's my asshole father in that helicopter. He's kind of giving thumbs up to all these people. Say, I remember the last time? time someone was in a flying machine and gave a thumbs up, oh, I know, and he just brings this thing down.

Oh my God, this helicopter going into this party, I had to double check that this wasn't a John Landis movie. Now, are you still sad that the kids died, or you big John Landis fans? They're both great.

So this is where Green Lantern is like, all right, time to shine. And you're like pumped up you're like fuck yeah here you go he's gonna save this helicopter and he can make anything with his mind he wants anything in the world

and it comes out and like a micromachine race car track like shoots out of his fist what the fuck and like he turns like he builds a race car around the helicopter and then there's a plastic track and you're just like hearing the micromachines theme song in your head

how about a bunch of marshmallows Green Lantern how about you make a bunch of marshmallows for this fucking helicopter to land and be done with. He's like, well, I got to move it around and spin it upside down. Just stop it. Like, have them stop in a wall. Build a big green lantern wall, for instance. Have them hit a wall?

Or, like, through a pillow factory? I don't know. A pillow factory would be better. Not a racetrack, so we can keep going and build up speed on its own. And by the way, he had to think, he turns it into a car, and it has a Rolls-Royce grill. You had to think about that grill.

What a fucking prick. That's what I'm talking. about. He's just going through his head and he's like, Dodge Dart, no. My Corolla, no. Oh, I know. Boom. Best expensive car ever. What a fucking. He's such an asshole.

Through and through. Asshole. So they're sort of same. Tim Robbins is like, I don't know if this is going to work. Is it a racetrack? What's happening? Is that a green light racetrack that I'm on right now? You pass out, right? You'd like throw up, piss yourself and pass out.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So anytime there's any helicopter malfunction, you're in trouble. Second of all, now my thing's turned to do a race car. And I didn't want any of that. So this big presentation is set up to look like the opening of a hard rock hotel, right? And casino. And so this big, like, thing is falling down on Blake Lively. And he kind of, like, shoots a little net there.

But then he loses track of the race car track. And then that's fucking going off through the air. And he's, like, trying to do this and do that. and he's the worst green lantern, I feel. Well, he's got no training. They sent him right out there to wet ears. It's not his fault. You're totally right.

But he's terrible at being a green lantern. He's not very good at it. And he looks exactly like him in a skin-tight computer suit. And he looks at Blake lively. He's like, hey, I'm wearing a mask. You don't know who I am. He's like, I have no idea who you are. That's my Blake-Lively impression.

You take any emotion to you. I was like, who are you doing? No, no, no. You just have to like pretend that someone stole your heart. and then start to talk. And so, like, she's saved, and it's totally fine. And then we have to do, because we're ripping off all sorts of other superhero movies, right? So we're going to rip off Superman now,

and everybody remembers the scene in Superman where he shows up to Lois's, like, patio. Because she's got a great apartment for some reason in that movie. She's an award-winning journalist, all right? She made a lot of money. I guess so. You know, and Superman's like, let's go for a ride. Well, Green Lantern does that. too, but before that he's like,

Hey there, how's it going? Because he's doing this like horseshit voice modulation thing. And in half a second, she's like, how? How? Jordan from high school? And he's like, ah, yeah, okay. When I go over a ride, I can fly with his jewelry. And we don't have that scene where they're like flying together and they learn

about each. There's not that great song. No, yeah, where they're singing to each other. No, they hate each other for most of the movie, And then she's like, oh, yeah, and we slept together, too. I think we're just instantly sitting on top of the control tower that his father crashed into it. Which I don't care how cool you are with the security guards at like an airplane hanger.

You're like, especially an experimental one with top secret government projects. You're not sitting on that thing. Someone is like, a green something or other just flew down and they're sitting there flirting, fucking shoot them. I wonder that has anything to do with that purple alien that died yesterday. So they kind of have a thing where you're like, oh, are they going to fall in love? Oh, who cares? Oh, that's cool.

He makes her jewelry, which looks like St. Patrick's Day, like, beads. It's just like, it's Girls Gone Wild Beads that he gives her. And it's garbage. Like, never accept a gift from a green lantern. Right? If it's a green thing that he made with his ring, right?

Because the second he stops thinking about this nice necklace that he's made for her, it's gone. but she's like oh how cool is this and then it cut to the next scene and it's gone and she's not like where was the thing it was the most realistic part of the movie the way it looked

no the way it cut and it was gone just stopped thinking it looked like shit all the computer stuff in this movie just looks like total shit including this thing that's around her so now Hector Hammett is building up his powers and his plan and his head's getting bigger every scene

like 22% every time and he's just screaming Freeman? Yeah, oh, he's Hutin and hollering. That mustache is flaring? He's pissed. It's a lot of like internal pain,

mainly because it's like skulls cracking open or whatever is happening, right? That's what you need to see. You need to have that be like a practical effect from American werewolf in London. It's just like,

and it's like, it's clearly a puppet Peter Sars guard, but you're cool with it because it looks way better than a computer, right? Also, what we need to do is watch Hector Hammond be on Carol Ferris's Facebook

all the time because that's what he's doing is like oh Carol from Facebook she's like what I mean from high school and that's why he's kind of creeping out at that reunion because he's like how is that thing you did yesterday

and she's like what I haven't seen you in 15 years oh never mind congratulations on your promotion oh shit I shouldn't know that yeah this dude's catfish in a couple of people yeah he's not really good he's got a couple of a graduate in class he's got a couple

a dupe accounts too. Oh yeah, dude. You get those dupecants, you can drop them when you need. Not that we know anything about that. So while all that's going on on Earth, Cinesro, the good guy

temporarily, organizes like an army of lanterns to go out and try to fight the cat diarrhea that's parallax there, and they fail horribly. And you're just like, oh, wait a second, that's what this movie's going to be.

Like when all the pros blow it, this one idiot who's been a green lantern for less, than a week is going to kill this huge monster. Well, 20 of seasoned, quote-unquote, green lanterns show up and put a net around him, and he's like, well, that's stupid, and he gets out of it. Like, that's the extent of that scene.

That's why I think, like, as a Green Lantern, you can't get tired of the job, right? Like, you can't get tired of being a Green Lantern, because if you're bored with your job, your imagination's not going to work, because, yeah. Right? And you're just like, yeah, I don't know a fucking net, do it. And it's like, oh, that's all I had. Bullshit, I'm not even getting overtime for this. It's going to go fight this cat diarrhea.

And this monster. starts sucking their skeletons out of their bodies. This is one of the coolest parts of this movie. It's like a Shang-soon fatality times. Times delicious. Like, this thing just opens its mouth and goes like, and then the skeleton, it's not the soul, it's the skeleton gets ripped out.

And it's just a hello there. And it's just like a human skin sack just falls to the floor. And it's not even like green lantern skin sack because the lantern is turned off. So it's just like a naked alien just dead. I want more of that. I do two hours of that.

I could use way more naked aliens, yeah. My question about naked aliens, by the way. Oh, please. When Hector Hammond's doing that alien autopsy, when an average scientist conducts an alien autopsy, right? So not necessarily Hector Hammond, but just like any old scientist. Any guy's going to do it.

Once a month, right? How much attention are you paying to the genitals? All of it. Almost all of it. The most, definitely. You want to know what's going on. I mean, it's got to be totally different or maybe it's the same.

Both are equally interesting. Very fascinated, yeah. You've got to figure out how it all works, right? I guess you want to figure out how it all works. Is that what you just did? Yeah, yeah. Is it they didn't know? It might work like that.

Who knows? That's why you got to cut it open. I was going to say, like, if you know, it's evil, find out how they, you know, procreate and sterilize it. There could be face-huggers. and stuff. Yeah, you don't want any of that. I was just curious about it.

There could be eggs. There could be eggs in there. See, I feel that's the thing, too. There's so many gleep-clops all over this movie. Some of them probably do lay eggs. Like that fish, green lantern? Also, and not the Jeffrey Wright Fish Chicken. There's an outright fish, Green Lantern. A regular fish.

What is that thing doing? Troutex. I don't know. Like, what use is that Green Lantern? Is that a real character? Probably. There's so many Green Lantern that no one could ever care about. That's what I was curious about when you see all these green lanterns

For fans, was it like Oh, it's fucking that guy I can't wait to see How they all play into this movie Oh, we're never going to see them again All right Hi, I'm Greg, I'm a gorilla green lantern I'm a tempterm

That fish just looks into the mirror And he's like, next time, baby We do get a next time baby At the end of this movie, by the way It's a delicious one too So Hector Hammond And Angela Bassett kind of sponsored Hector Hammond.

She's like, hey, I think that thing we did isn't working out because you look like Ron Jeremy stung by a bunch of bees. So maybe you should come over and we'll just take care of it. You know what I mean? We'll fix you. Which is government talk for

we're killing you and cutting you open. And Tim Robbins is like in with her, so he's like, yeah, I thought it would give your career a real shot in the arm. And it really just, so they strapped to a table and he's like, no, I like being a hideous monster I guess. This way, sure. And he's like, oh, I feel better than I ever have

and I'm like, oh, that's a sad life. And you bring up, it's a great time to talk about this because you feel for Peter Sarsgaard in this movie, like, so bad. And you're like, this is the only character that you're like, oh my God, that poor fuck, like, what a horrible life. Sure.

This is ridiculous. Like, oh, my God, I hope he amounts to something. Yeah, I was rooting from the entire time. Meanwhile, the Green Lantern, you're like, fuck that guy, dude, he's a dick! I hope he fails. I hope he literally flies too close to the sun. It burns up. It's like watching Revenge of the Nerds and rooting for the jocks.

It's like, no, I want to root for Booger. This poor Booger, what did he ever do? Nothing. That's the saddest part about Booger, he amounted to literally nothing. He's now hosting a reality show also about nerds. And Booger wasn't even smart. That's the sad part.

Booger was the unsmart nerd Which how do you get wrapped up in the nerds if that's the case? You're that much of his social outcast? Yeah, I think that's how that works. See, poor Booger, right? So poor Hector Hammond in this movie. And he gets back at everybody, though, because he kills his father pretty quick.

Oh, man. Let's just talk about it. I'm just thinking about it right now, you guys. Oh, yeah. So they're in this huge laboratory. There's a Stargate behind them that they never use. They keep it. They're a bit.

about to operate on him, they keep his boots on, his hooded sweatshirt on, and he's just hanging out like he's going to the mall. He's actually dressed exactly like Eric Steltson mask at this point. It's like the hood is the only thing that can help him go to the bodega, you know. That's a convenience store. That's what we call convenience stores in New York City

in case you don't do that here. So he's so pissing his dad. He hates his dad's rotten Tim Robbins guts. So he throws Angela Bassett like up against this glass screen and you're like, wow, she's probably dead, huh? And then he straps Tim Robbins down, and you're like, here it comes. Money Day.

And then the Green Lantern shows up and cocks up the whole thing. But he does have time to throw him into a booth and light him on fire. Like cooking him up. It's like he gets the Green Lantern down. He's like stunned for a little bit. And it's kind of like the Hulkster, right?

Like he needs to hear it from the crowd before he can get back up. You're like, come on, Lantern, let's do it. And so while he's down for the count, Hector Hammond just flips him up into this control room. And there are these two, like, robot arms that do nothing until they breathe fire all of a sudden? You're like, what is this for?

And Tim Robbins cooks up in this movie. I think that was the idea. Is they're like, all right, we're going to strap him to a table. We're going to say we're going to drain his brain. We're just going to set him on fire. I mean, I think that's all we can do at this point. And there's an awesome shot of, like, computer Tim Robbins and, like, computer fire going at computer Tim Robbins.

And there's Ryan Reynolds, like, who would have thought? The second time in my life I watch a father figure burn to death in front of me. Oh, and he just goes up. And he's like, no, that's the most talented actor in the movie. And it's not just like a boom and he's dead. It's like... They make sure this dude is dust at the end. of this.

I mean, I just imagine in the compound some cook is like cooking up dinner or like he's in the cafeteria doing something else and all the heaters go out. Someone's really draining the gas line from somewhere. Area 52's cafeteria is totally dark.

So it's taking a shower. Oh, it's cold. How did, oh no. So he's dead. And I mean, like they kind of set up the final thing, which is obviously, Ryan Reynolds goes back to the Green Lanterns and it's like, hey, I need some help and they're like, you know what, fuck you.

Like literally that's, he's like, hey, the thing's coming, the parallax is on its way, we all know. Well, he's talking to the Guardians at this point. In 2015 you're watching a comic book movie and someone keeps saying Guardians all over again. You're like, much better movie. I'm going to turn on after this fucking thing goes away. And so these are like the elder statesman

of the Lantern Corps. They all kind of look like pruny George Wentz. I don't know what to make I mean essentially they are They're like you know Super beings that have extra intelligence And can do whatever the fuck they want But just sit in chairs that look like jerks

Now and you need Because we're ripping off stuff left and right You need to have these dudes talk telepathically Yeah now we're done That needs to be a thing Because otherwise it's just this computer Like potato head thing That just again looks like garbage

And you know he's like come on Come on earth it's cool Let's send me There's millions of Greenlandering Give me four. I thought this was a brotherhood. I thought we fought alongside each other through thick and thin. And it's my first week on the job.

And you're telling me the most dangerous thing you've ever faced is coming to my house. Just give me the fish. I'll take the fucking fish. He's got something, right? I think I figured it out. They're all just pricks. That's the qualification. Self-centered pricks.

It's an organization of jerk off. Yeah. Tell me when they reach the fish planet. they're all like well we're not from earth and he's like that's the other thing too he's like the first human ever yeah it should be a green lantern so they're all like and it's all like bullshit because he's so

indicted of being like you know mistreated he's just a white guy and it's like I don't buy that you know what I'm so fucking sick and tired of people marginalizing me like this it's unbelievable fucking billionaire test pile like a goddamn sick bachelor pad and fucking hot ex-girlfriend

fucking sucks all these orange aliens and fish are making fun of me that fucking pruny George Wentz not saying anything I got feet up by a dog That dog

Right there You a green lantern No No I'm not She stayed out of this movie So they're like All right resolution And it's like

Are you have 24 hours To kill the most evil thing That's ever existed By yourself And if so We'll keep your summer camp open but if you can't raise enough money to say in the orphanage

we're going to forge like a ring that we know to be evil and try to fight it that way it's like fight evil with evil and the whole time the only person who thinks this is a good idea is Sinestro he's like oh man crazy unbeatable monster

you know what could help forging this ring that's made in the deepest dark as evil recesses of your soul and you say it makes you immortal Hey, that ought to fight that cat diarrhea That might work Sinister I appreciate your zeal But are you growing horns right now

I think right there in your head Oh no, that's just what I'm excited When I'm excited about doing good things I grow horns He needs horns Because this whole look man You're right, it's the devil He's got a widow's peak

It's cut glass He has a really stupid haircut In this movie And if you are designing a haircut with a computer, do a better job. Nothing on Mark Strong is real in this movie, except those Mark Strong eyes. And he's not wearing a Mark Strong wig, which he usually does.

No, but he does have that Mark Strong accent going on. That'll just melt you. Oh, sure. So he goes back to Earth, and guess what happens? Oh, my God, my girlfriend got kidnapped. Holy shit. Nobody saw that. You don't even see it happen.

How do you not show me a kidnap? It's like, knock, knock. Oh, it's Peter Sarsgard. Kidnapping. I just did it in three seconds. The fucking movie's already two hours and ten minutes. What's another three seconds? You have to just assume she was kidnapped.

Because Ryan Reynolds walks into this huge warehouse, and there's Peter Sarsgaard in a wheelchair at a mobile Stephen Hawking wheelchair. And he's just like, isn't this something? And Ryan Reynolds is like, what? What happened? I was up on the planet. And he's like, oh, I'm sorry, look up there. And it's Blake lively kidnapped.

You're like, what the fuck? When did that happen? I thought I was watching the again. extended edition. She's spinning like there's a magic trick about to happen. You know what I mean? He's like, I mean, Sarskart's like, nothing under her, nothing over her. Peter Sarskart uses his mental ability to push a ring around her.

And she's got nothing to say because why would you want her to talk, I guess, movie. Right movie? He mentally just closed that up. What a dick. And he's got a needle, like a hypodermic needle of the stuff that made him look like that. And he's like,

so I realize she'll never like me for me so I'm gonna make her like me and then we'll like each other together and he's gonna like inject her and I was like no the only reason you want her is purely on like a physical level so then you're gonna make her look like a rotten potato with a mustache

and then you're just gonna just grow disinterested it's not gonna work out you're gonna separate she's gonna have potato powers of her own then you got two potatoes going at it and it's just not sexually violence wise If anyone wakes up the next morning

looking like Peter Sarsgaard this movie, they're not going to fall in love with another Peter Sarsgaard, they're going to fucking kill themselves. You're goddamn right. It's like, where is the nearest coast city bridge so I can throw my potato fucking face off it?

Oh, when would the four of us kill ourselves in a movie? When you wake up looking like that shit? When you wake up looking like a Ron Jeremy Mama June crossover, it's time to Stop. They're terrible, too. Throw yourself off the

Coast City Bridge, the nearest one. It's a coast, so I'm sure there's a couple around. And instead, you wake up with Peter Sars, you guys like, hey, how's it going? Want to go see a movie? And it's like, no, not at all. Ever. I was a total gentleman. You want to eat a bunch of sauerkraut with me?

Kill them all, of cars. so the threat of potatoing is nigh it's in there so we gotta have a big old fight yeah Ryan Reynolds like dupes him into wearing his green lantern ring for a while

this is just and where are the stakes with this at all? You know he's gonna fuck him over what am I watching this for just so he can throw him into a pile of TVs? He does like it's like the end of no holds barred can you get some more TV's just falling right down like Matthew Lillard and scream just right on his face

and he somehow gets electrician Dan Aykwright has the same death in point blank gross point blank it's the same death Oh that's the one Peter Sarsigar joke I want to make He looks like Dan Aykroyd at the end of Ghostbusters 2 And he's possessed by Vigo I ray am Vigo Where was that idea in that movie

What the fuck I'm talking about That's the last thing you can do in that movie, I guess. And so he beats Peter Sarsgaard pretty quickly. Parallax shows up and is like, you failed me because we were working together the whole time. Never once is there

a meeting scene. He doesn't get instructions. No one knows that they're supposed to be working together. You're just like, oh, he's starting to kind of look, and this is what I realize today, he's starting to turn into one of those guardians. Sure, yeah. That's why he needs the wheelchair because his body's like shriveling to nothing. And that fucking head's just getting bigger.

So it's like, you were failing me and he's like we were what together well give me a second chance now that I know I'm working for the most evil thing the lantern corps ever seen nope skeletal suck just right out and that you see like a the husk man like a used condom on a New York City sidewalk just quietly float to the ground and it's not fresh either no like off a penthouse balcony

this thing just catches the wind And there's Peter Sarsgaard, just dead. Say what you want. Seeing one of those in the wind, it's kind of the most beautiful thing you can see. It's New York, man. We make our own fun. That's just, it's autumn in New York.

Some people have... It's like the leaves are changing, the condoms are falling. That's right. Oh, what a place to live. Beautiful. So he's dead. And then the diarrhea monster is like,

oh, what's this a lantern? Let's fight that thing, too. And we have a street fight. And you're like, this is about an hour and 55 minutes too late for this street fight. And it reminded me, this movie is structured like that first Fantastic Four movie. You guys remember that one? Any F.F. fans in the audience? A couple of folks there, right?

So you were scarred by this one. They spend like an hour and a half being like, oh, what's that? You can do what? Oh, that's cool. Oh, I can do that? Oh, that's cool. And then they go outside and they're like, hey, who's that guy? And they fight Dr. Doom for like eight seconds.

and then the credits go, that's this movie. It's a lot of like, what the fuck does that do? Condom falling. And then we're going to fight this diarrhea monster. It's the end of the movie. And they do fight, and it's whatever. It looks like the end, War of the World. Everyone's turned into skeletons for a while.

It's awesome. It's not only does he suck your skeleton, but if he just, like, passes through you, like the skeleton comes with. So you're just, and it's like men, women, and kids just running, and it's... They're all just, like, popping. It's amazing.

And I'm like, yeah, this is what I wanted this movie to be. People popping. And, you know, Greenlander gets thrown through a car, who cares? He tricks him to going into space, and then he supermands him into the sun, essentially, right? That's it. Again, because we're just ripping shit. We're just hucking shit off at the sun. Wouldn't that make him more powerful, maybe?

That's what I thought, because he's pure energy. You run the risk, right? And you're just not thinking this thing through. again, like the dickhead test pilot that he is. But seeing, bringing it back to test pilots, all right? He uses two Green Lantern jets to hold him back from

going into the sun. Oh, I see what's happening. Yeah. Those were experimental aircraft. So look at the last second, he lets those drop and the big fist comes back and he punches this thing into the sun. And the first thing you think is, how did an army of seasoned veterans fuck this up? And

one dude does it in under 10 minutes. And then he like faints and falls into the sun and then like the end of that Jesus poem, the Green Lanterns were next to you the whole time. Because it's Killawg, Tomaree, and the other guy

and Sinestro. And they're like, oh, we've just picked you up. Oh, you did such a good job. Congratulations on passing that test. And he says nothing. I'm like, fuck you, man. He says nothing. You have to be so incensed at that point. I would be pissed off. I would be so pissed off. Help me

with this evil monster. And it's not like you were back at the home planet dicking around or like Fish Greenlander who was giving a seminar about something. Like you were watching

you were fucking feet away you watched this whole thing happen. He came this close in any other world it would be an evil sun now. The sun is now evil. Right, it turned shit color? Yeah. And then it's always

brown on Earth. I think that was a Twilight Zone at the day the Earth turned brown. And then the brown note goes off. And evil wins. And they go back to Greenland and Planet

and they all celebrate like they all did anything. Oh, they're just taking credit for it all, aren't they? Because they have the backup of, well, we're at core, right? We're just a brotherhood. It's just a group of pros saving the galaxy. And he's so pissed. He's got to be so pissed. Because, you know, if there's anybody who hates getting credit taken away from him,

it's Hal Jordan. Yeah. Right? Because he's just such a fucking asshole. Like, you know, at the end of this, Movies an asshole. He doesn't learn a goddamn thing. Nothing. Like, the rule of a protagonist

just change a little bit. Learn something. No, he got confirmation. He is. He is the greatest person on Earth. He's the absolute best. He always thought he was awesome, but now it's confirmed. Yeah. The universe confirmed it for me.

Because a sunburned alien went up to him and was like, you know what, dude, when we started working together, I thought you're kind of a jerk. Turned out you single-handedly beat this thing that thousands of us just fail. You're a magnificent jerk. God damn you. What a beautiful jerk you are.

And then he goes down to earth for like one last thing. And it's like, oh, you're with Blake Lively, who's on her like 19th different hair configuration in this movie. Right? And it's like a Beyonce wig at this point in what she has on. And he's, it's more Ryan Reynolds nonsense. He's like, my new job keeps me traveling. I'm on the road a lot. And I was like, are they trying to make a go at this? Is that what's happening here?

And I guess, because they're an item in the comic book, right? Is that the idea? Yeah, they are. Is it more of a Sam and Diane or what? No, it is a Sam and Diane. She's always like, oh, you know, you just missed the thing and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, I'm Green Lantern. That's usually how the...

It's like a three-panel strip, right? She's upset for two panels, and then he goes, I'm Green Lantern, then it ends. And the last line of this movie is he looks at her and he goes, well, I'm off to get in some trouble. Fucking sequel, ta-da-da. goes up into space and it's the horseshit thing of like six credits

and then the movie's back on it's like someone running in like oh wait we forgot one and there's like the little like yellow container like the ring is in it right and it breaks out and Mark Strong's just like

hmm yeah and Sinestro's there like the last two seconds and you're like that's the villain air you started the movie I wanted to see

it's like Babe Ruth calling his shot like Batman begins It was like, oh, you know what? We're going to save the Joker. At the end, we're going to like, extra style next time, baby. But this one, it's like a really bad movie.

And it's like, don't worry, it's going to be so good. We have so many movies to do anything we want. Oh, man, by the time we're done telling this story, you guys are going to be sick and tired of Hal Jordan. And now we're like, what, four years later? The next one's announced for nine years from now or something. 20-20, nine years from the release of the first movie is the next screen land's one. He went to movie jail.

They were like, we can't. We cannot. We cannot allow anyone to see this thing for a long time. Just put him away. So the Zach Snyder thing, he's not there. Not so far. No, even, they can't even cram him into that fucking overblown movie. Is he in Suicide Squad?

Does he dabble in that world? No, he's nowhere near it. So everything's as far away from Greenlander as possible. Is he in Checkmate? He might be hanging out in Checkmate with Gorilla Garage. I'd be into that. Do a movie of that? It would just be the gorilla

like flipping the board every time because he's a fucking gorilla He can't play chess He's a genius Andrew Obviously he's a genius That's the Green Lantern Where we hate movies

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