We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: Bad Dads, Bad Dates and Bad Movie High

Episode Date: January 31, 2015

This month on the WHM Mail Bag, the gang read letters involving awkward dad screenings, a love that was never meant to be, and some of the absolute worst teachers in the country that were somehow all situated in one, single high school. PLUS: World renowned script doctor, Eric Movie, drops by to get in on the mail bag fun!   If you want your weird, movie-related stories read on the air, write in to the WHM Mail Bag - [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

And then I said, punch him. And then I said, punch him. Wow. Oh, wait. Yeah, you're never going to hear the start of that story. everybody. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, January 2015 edition. I like that the idea of a made-up story about you being badass is you telling someone else to do something. That wasn't me, Eric Siska. That was Eric Muska. That was Eric movie. Eric Movie was telling that story. That's right. I apologize. Yeah. If you, you were in the

bath for the start of it. For those who are unfamiliar, it's pretty self-explanatory. This is a mini episode where we read some emails that folks send us and if you want your you know weird stories read on the air right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com that plug will also be coming at the end of the episode as well

I'm Andrew Juppen along with Eric Movie and Steve Sadak maybe you have to be Eric movie for every mailbag episode. It's just my cross to bear you know I didn't ask to be Eric movie it sort of just found me

so we're going to read you a couple emails here today three to be precise um i'll go first this is from uh luna and she writes in luna sends now what is my favorite kind of emails which are stories with what are you watching because there is no greater humiliation than watching something that someone doesn't want you to be watching and there's no end to it everybody's got caught with what are you watching it could be anything exactly i was about to say the same thing, Stephen. I think that it's very interesting that we're all bound together with what are you watching? I mean, you can be watching the movie Sunshine and all of a sudden Ray Fides is getting held up by Nazis and sprayed with a water hose and frozen to death

and your dad comes in at just that moment and goes, what are you watching? Wait, wait, wait, there are Nazis in Sunshine? Not the, what do you call it movie, not the Danny Boyle movie. I was thinking about the Danny Boyle movie. I was getting pretty excited. both Eric movie and his counterpart love Nazis well in the context of outer space outer space Nazis only if they are inside our own atmosphere not a fan of those terrestrial Nazis

oh well I'll knock their block off so we have uh so here's here's luna's email hi guys I have a classic what are you watching experience from a film you guys have referenced several times and that nobody needs to watch more than once in high school I spent a lot of afternoons

in my best friend's house watching movies being typical teenage girls in the 90s we were really into nihilism, violence and really shallow treatments of deep social problem Hey you and me both

So we're sitting in my friend's living room watching American History X and making the occasional really tasteless joke to cover up that were kind of disturbed when her very Italian, very Catholic dad walks in right in the middle of the curb stomping

scene. He looks at the screen for 30 seconds, turns to us and says, what the hell movie are you watching? We tell him the name of the movie. He grumbles something and leaves the room and we almost relax. Three minutes later, dad comes back in, sits down, cracks a beer. Nice. And proceeds to watch the movie right up to the prison rape scene. That's how you watch that movie. You get a beer out. At which point, he sets his beer down long enough to glare at us and ask again, what the hell movie is this? We told him the title again, and I think we were both desperately hoping he'd either

make us turn it off or leave and disgust, but no, he sat there and watched the entire rest of the movie with us. The good thing that came out of it is that he seemed very relieved a week or two later when we were watching taxi driver. Another one of my fives.

You know, I was glad that he staged after that because then he would miss Cisco from Deep Space Nine's best performance. Like American History X is a movie that you watch like one time Maybe like not all the way through It's a real like I got it kind of a movie Yeah it goes on a bit

Maybe three times Depends what kind of day it is I've seen it more than once whatever You're 17 and an idiot You know you got all those feelings building up And you just don't know what to do with them Well any when you're 17 any movie where a teenager died at the end, do you think really is saying

something? Oh, absolutely. That's not entirely true, though, actually, when you realize if you're 31. Or movies like River's Edge, where it's like teens and, like, weird situations, like, yeah, man, maybe someday I'm walking in my woods and I find a dead body.

Or rebel without a cause. I mean, maybe you just shouldn't be a dick and break into that museum or planetarium. You know, could have, could fix stuff right there. It could have got a much better way. instead you get assassinated like outside

because you're standing up for your right to party you're standing up you're right to break into a museum you idiot take the fine take the $10 fine that it is

you're a white kid in 1960 or whatever if I could bring it into a museum yeah totally you're fine man you're just okay red jacket or no I just love that this dude

took from the curb stomping scene to the prison rape scene to again be like you know this does seem fairly inappropriate. Well, no, it's the classic move is like, oh, violence, that's pretty cool. And then you're like, oh, what's that?

You know, like there's that. Oh, oh, shit. Like his inner monologues, oh, shit. Frank, you better say something. If you don't, you're a bad fault. You got to be disremed. You're really into this movie, though, aren't you, Frank? Yeah, this movie's pretty fucking cool, man.

Yeah, I wish I could do some of that stuff, too. You can't let them know that, though. You better, hey, what the hell movie is this? Good job, Frank. You covered that up real well. I think you don't approve. I'm sure your friend's father wasn't actually like that. But which part were you referenced in the stop-in or the raping?

Both. Oh, Frank, here comes that dad for Boy Meets World. He'll set everything's great. Oh, no. What's he talking about? He's the worst one of them all. Oh, my Lord, everyone's spouting all sorts of shit in this movie. How did they get a hold of this?

It's like they're saying what I'm thinking. thinking. Oh, the always reliable Elliot Gould. Oh, no, he's getting yelled at. He's getting yelled at. He does. Elliot Gould gets yelled at. Elliot Gould is the best part.

You know what? Frankly, it's about time someone gave that guy talking to. Ellie Gould's got the best role in that movie where he's like, yeah, this is a big grief family, but that mother's still pretty hot. So he just kind of moves on in. Nothing's going to stop Elliot. No, and then the anti-Semitism gets in his way, and he's like, oh, man. You know, it's just that thing like, now I've got to leave and never come back.

I was close. Yeah, that really sucks, Elliot Gould. I know what it's like to get turned down by a woman. What the hell movie is this again? So, man, I love, what are you watching stories? We have more emails to get to. Yeah, they're fantastic. Well, Eric movies is just taken over.

This next email. It's called Winter's Tale from Liz. She writes, hey, gang, just finished the Winner's Tale episode, and I have a quick story about seeing the movie. I went to go see it with a guy that I had been dating at the time, kind of hesitantly, but I think she means about seeing the movie hesitantly. Now, I think she's... I thought it was a thing where she was like,

I don't know about dating this dude. Yeah. This is date four. It's kind of not working out. We've been to Olive Garden all four dates. But I had an open mind all the same. Well, maybe she is talking about the fellow. I was done with it the minute Russell Crow started talking in whatever accent that was.

And by the time Will Smith showed up, I let out an audible groan. Yeah, so did we all. The guy I was with was just watching the movie the whole time. And I didn't want to be rude and get up and leave. So I sat there after it ended. and we were getting up to leave. He asked me if I like it. I obviously respond, no,

that it was terrible and not even a movie. And what the hell even happened? And I saw his face and he was all like, oh, I really liked it. Before just shutting up and walk into the car in silence, we never saw one another again. Thanks for the laughs. Great work as always.

that's a very poetically structured ending there I think it was appropriate that you were reading it as Eric movie well it's a tale of love lost is what it is listen I was reading it as who oh right sorry where's my cigarettes

and gin oh no Steve we're gonna have to explain to him what's happening here comes the we hate movies twist ending where he realizes he's two people in one body you mean you mean when I've been fight myself

in the parking lot. I just been kicking my own ass. I wasn't actually having a cool underground fight ring. That's about the size of it. You are fighting yourself because your mom got hit on by Elliot Gould. What's that funny looking guy doing here?

Oh, no! Let me tell you, dating tips out there for ladies and men. You go see a movie as bad as Winter's Tale and you come out and you're already possibly hesitating about dating this person in the first place and they're like, no, I thought that was

pretty good. It's just not meant to be. Well, you, here's the thing though with dating is... And I'm an expert. Here's the thing about it. You have to choose a movie that you A, know, both of you are going to like, or, you know, if you're

somebody, a monster like us that both of you're going to hate and enjoy, you want to do a real softball pick. You don't want to do some sort of a, or you want to have an idea of what the quality of the movie is going to be. Winter's Tale, nobody knew how that movie's going to turn out. No. You don't want to go in there blind, is what I'm saying. You also don't want to...

You got to know the terrain, you know? You don't want a convoluted-ass plot like that, too. Yeah. You just want a straightforward, like, boyhood plot. Like, boyhood's about as straightforward as it gets. Yeah. And, you know, people don't like that movie. People like that movie.

But either way, it's just like, that's a movie. Yep. This, you can't tell heads or tail of a flying horse and a Will Smith Devil with a Jimmy Hendricks T-shirt? You know, some guy I work with downtown. told me that he didn't like boyhood. He said, hey, that movie's about nothing. And I said to him, what do you think life's about?

What did he say? He walked away. I saw a terminal with a lady who enjoyed it. And I totally lied at the end of it. Where I was like, oh, yeah, it's pretty good. Meanwhile, the two and a half hours, I wanted to be dead. And I just kept looking over and hoping that I would get the same kind of response and just got a blank smile, like, pretty good.

It's such a great indicator. You're just like, well, that's not meant to be. Sometimes you just got to pull the shoot. Sometimes you do just have to pull the shoot. You've got to just jump and just pull that shoot. Especially if you don't know that terrain, you're about to enter. Well, not if you didn't drive. Well, I guess you can't plan for everything.

All right. Final email, Steve Sadek, take us out on a high note. This one's called Bad Movie High School Or as everyone says, bad, bad, bad, bad Bad movie high school That's terrible From Alex Hey guys, another mailbag episode

Included Brax being shown in a history class Remind me of my own high school And strange relationship we had with movies Also, I'm 19 to give you a time frame for these My junior year we were shown the core in physics Because, and I'm quoting, It has a lot of good science in a similar case

we were shown deep impact in chemistry both had graded handouts to go along with them English was relatively light on movie choices but we were showed the Raven in junior year to go along with the Poe unit. Makes complete sense. Why

show a Poe adaptation when you can show a totally fake movie about him solving totally fake murders? And I want to know what's on these quizzes. Is it, oh, how did Maximilian and Schnell get murdered in Deep Impact? Was it by a wave

or a tornado? What is the fake made-up temperature in the Earth's core? Is it 9,000 degrees? Also, he says deep impact for chemistry class? Yeah. Come on. What chemistry is there a deep impact?

Oh, between Elijah Wood and Lili Sobieski. Judge did not a lot. I'll grant you that. We're not talking AP, Kim. It's a couple more here. A significant, literally two to three times a week part of our law and justice

class was watching CSI and law and order and taking detailed notes. Come on! And how do you even take detailed notes for something like that? How many times does Sam Watterson's voice crack in this episode? Twelve, you win.

We were also shown Selena two times the same Spanish class. Daddy Daycare in marketing and Young Einstein in math. The one thing I will defend here is Young Einstein, yeah. In math class? Any excuse to watch Young Einstein is a good one. I do have a soft spot for that. This is not even counting the times our advertisement teachers would show us racist YouTube videos and go on to rotten.com.

Come on with the rotten.com. What high school is this? This is Brandale High. Jim Belushi is the principal of this high school. Come on, you can't be showing Rotten. Datcalf. Yeah, sure. It's my home page on my home computer where Rotten.com belongs. Me and my friends somehow graduated.

My immersion in bad movies led me to you guys. Cube up the good work and never suggest teenagers to Deep Impact. But by the way, Alex, I guess we did because you're 19. Well, that's just about the youngest person I've ever heard of. What the frig is going on with this high school? You get some of the... I mean, I do think that honestly, the only thing that you can do in... The only movies you can ever show in a class are actual filmed adaptations of books slash Shakespeare and that's it.

Shakespeare adaptations actually make sense because that's the best way to experience it, et cetera. I mean, it's a whole lot better than reading. I mean, look, you want to show, like, movies in a science class? How about some science documentary? Yes, exactly. You're taking up here. You've got this physics class? Particle fever, man. Great physics documentary.

Yeah, that's a great idea if you want them all fall asleep. In 9th or 10th grade, my English class, we watch Predator. And that is no joke. And we watch that because it's based on that short story, the most dangerous game. come on that's a true story it's not based on that though it's loosely adapted I don't think they got

credit but yeah no it's there in my eighth grade people stopped giving a shit and they just the whole the entire grade two different times for two different classes we were put on to school buses into to go to the

Bay Plaza movie cinema and we saw Titanic for History Class which is a joke and Dante's Peak for science Wow

You know the only outside movie trip I think I had in my high school years was we saw Lola Rent in the theater for German class

Run Lola Run you might know That's crazy Also this dude says That he watched Selina in a Spanish class twice How about some Spanish

language films. There's only millions of them. Put on E2 Mama Tambien. That's not a movie for teenage boys to watch. No, El Maraci. That's what you want. Might as well. It's better than Selena. Yeah.

I mean, watch Selena once if you absolutely have to. If you're doing a unit on Spanish-speaking dead pop stars, fucking Selena twice in a class. How are all of these teachers still working? What are you showing racist YouTube videos?

Rotten.com. I want to know what they're... Send us some links if you have them, Alex. Let us know which red state you're living in. Listen, for those of you who don't know what Rotten.com is, by the way, it was, I think, at this point. Don't find out. Don't find out if it's still around. But it was a thing where you could go and it's like, fucking death photo.

You want to see the Chris Farley death photo man? Go to rotten.com. Just the worst corners of the internet all. convened. You know, the last time I even pray her tell rot.com and it was the first that, I swore it off

forever after that was right soon after 9-11. Now, who's this kid's name's Alex? Yeah. Might be a little too young to remember that. But Roten had

all the photos of people jumping off from the tower to their death. That's what you want. You want? Cross the line from me. That's what? That's when you took Rotten.com off your home page.

That's when I had to do it. Let's switch to Yahoo for a couple years. Excite briefly. I don't know that we did any like outside field trips to go to the movies. I remember in a science class like at the end of the year we already had taken the final like three weeks before the class was over. So the teacher just always turned on the TV. And it was a weird thing where like every channel, every TV in my high school. Like every classroom had a TV

And every TV had cable So we just watched old S&L reruns On Comedy Central Like 1 o'clock in the afternoon The only TV The only TV that was in my school Other than wheeled in Was in shop class

Now I had shop class At like 7 in the morning And that was the only one that had cable too So we got to see The last act of Scooby Doo I watched copious amounts In my grade school I went to a Catholic's grade too

school. Davy and Goliath. Oh, really? Yeah, man. Oh, wow. Tons of Davy and Goliath. A lot of good life lessons there. A lot of good life lessons, too. Isn't, I don't know, have you told this story in the air before? The going to see Titanic story? Yeah, I don't know if I have, but it's been a long time and this is a mini, so who gives a shit? Went to see Titanic. It was eighth grade. Everyone's, you know, everyone's getting feelings about other people. Everyone's finding themselves. Sure. And, you know, unless you're a terrified fat kid

looking for somebody to like him. You know how you find yourself being funny. So in a room full, a theater full of my classmates, both 7th and 8th grade, about 60 to 100 kids. And Leonardo DiCaprio dies at the end of that movie. Spoiler alert.

And he drifts off into nothing. And the whole theater is crying except for the boys who were like, lame. Went out like a chump. get on that fucking suitcase dude literally there's so much room on that suitcase i decided to yell out because it's eighth grade and everybody loves world combat right sub zero and nothing and i mean like you expect it's eighth grade like half the room is full of boys you know what i mean like dumb teenage kids and maybe one of them

maybe maybe even the friends that were sitting to the left end or right of me might chive in with a chuckle to help me nothing. I just got dirty looks from the fucking history teacher like you're an idiot. I'm not going to give you attention because this is worse and just ride this out.

Oh, that is horrible. Do you think it's because you only said sub-zero and didn't follow it up with wins? Or fatality would have been. I've played all the angles, Andrew. Finish him. I've got Oak Tag at home with a bunch of charts on it. But how this could have gone

differently. You got a homeland map up with a bunch of red yarn just trying to figure it out. Yes. And in every other timeline, I become president of the United States. If only I didn't make that fucking joke, I'd rule a free world.

That's WHM mailbag for this January. If you want your weird movie-related stories read on the air gang, right in. We all hate movies at gmail.com. If you want a specific audience with Eric movie, right into Eric Movie 6969 at yahoo.com

Yeah that's going to bounce back Yeah my inbox is full Is what he might say there are so many So many adventures I've yet to go on Until the next mailbag I'm Andrew Juppen This is Eric movie walking into the darkest of the night Stephen Sadek being a human being

Take it easy Thank you.