We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: Embarrassed Dogs, Embarrassing Teachers and Awkward Projection Tales

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

On this WHM Mail Bag, the gang talks about weird dog walking incidents, horrendous teachers (it never ends!) and even a few awkward projection booth nightmares.  Do you have a question for the WHM gang? Or maybe a bizarre movie-related story or show-inspired tale you'd like to share? Then write in to the Mail Bag - [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Hello, everyone, welcome to another W.H.M. Mailbag. This is the March edition. I'm Andrew Juppin, alongside Chris Cabin and Steven Sadek. I'm going to read some amusing emails for you this evening. Steve, I think we'll start with you. Should we start with you? Here's the thing.

Chris and I were discussing which emails we should read. You were secretly, like, in the corner, like, precious. And I don't know what your email's about. So I think we should start with a surprise email. Okay. I wish you didn't say that because it makes it sound creepier because I was literally, I got a cold, so maybe my eyes are squinting. You actually look high as fuck right now.

I do. I probably blazed out of my skull. You really do. This is from Emily, and that's not why I had those eyes. It's because I was literally about to sneeze. Hi, guys. I have a dog I've walked every day for four years. And all that time, I've never considered any close examination of my dog's butthole. Oh, Jesus. Now, for anyone who's like, wait, what is this girl talking about?

So it was on the Teen Wolf 2 episode Where Steve was talking about gazing longingly into a dog steaming asshole You know when it gets cold out You can see it smoke from both ends And you know, it's a weird phenomenon It's an existential moment It is It is a weird phenomenon

Call Mulder and Scully That said I happen to be listening to your Teen Wolf 2 episode Right when I was walking my dog maybe I'm susceptible to suggestion because I thought it's 12 degrees outside so what else would I see it when I went to look

my dog instinctively termed her rump away from me she then gave me a look as if I asked what are you doing yeah the dog is totally right stop looking at my asshole you know so I do not have

any experience of seeing steam rise off of my dog's butthole I do thank to we hate movies, specifically have the experience of a new low. I was judged by my own dog. Love the show and thank you. Yeah, you know, I'll tell you what, that's not the first time someone has said listening to this show creates a new low for them. It does remind me of another thing that happens when you walk dogs, which will change your relationship with that dog. Every so often you'll get a ropey shit, which is the worst, and it gets stuck in there.

Yeah. Anybody else been there? And then you've got to find some, hopefully it's fall. There's some dry leaves next there. Oh, you better believe it. And you do it. And the dog is embarrassed and hates your guts. And you're like, you know what, dude?

I didn't enjoy that either. Totally. I didn't tell you to eat that string that caused this madness to begin with. Like, you both go upstairs and you go in opposite ends of the house because we're both mad at each other. Exactly. The dog just closes the door. Like, you know what? Asshole, I have to lay down.

But you want to bring that shit back in the house? You're going to get yelled at, pal. Yep, exactly. I just kind of always love, because I used to walk dogs for a living, and I just love when dogs, like, you're doing that, and they go and they stop to take a shit. Yeah. And, like, they're just looking around because they're, like,

checking if people are looking. The dog community knows how humiliating it is to shit in public. And especially when you're in New York City, man. And there's people on the sidewalk at all hours of the day. It's never safe for a dog to just, Should peacefully do their business. Well, because I just, I recently rewashed shut up and play the hits. And I was remembered the first shot when he's taking the dog out to piss.

And the dog just goes down and is like, yeah. Let me tell you, I love that movie, hardcore love that movie. I love James Murphy's dog more than I love that movie. It's pretty great. Oh, man. Could I have one more little dog story tangent? Yes. I was when I, when I lost my, when I lost my job,

last, a couple of years ago, I walked dogs for a buddy of mine on the side to make Ed's meet. And I, it's lower Manhattan and my girlfriend happened to work there at the time. I was like, oh, come meet the dogs. So during your lunch break. So we both go and we both, I got all these dogs on me. I got this big, this big schnauzer, this whatever. There was a, there was a very scared chihuahua as well. And then all of a sudden, the chihuahua, not the chihuahua, the schnauzer gets a chicken bone and starts hamping. on it. I'm like, oh, fuck. And I start screaming, like, Molly,

stop it. Molly, Molly, Molly, and, like, I give my girlfriend the chihuahua and two other dogs. And I'm, like, inside this, I'm, like, wrist deep in this dog's mouth trying to get this chicken bone out, and the crowd has formed. Because I'm just like, Molly, Molly,

Molly, come on, come on, Molly. Get it up, Molly. I run on the streets like, hey, he's beating that dog up. Exactly. Hey, buddy, stop beating up that dog. Sir, sir, it's not a puppet. Stop. Because, like, I got no papers for these dogs. No.

And I'm literally doing a favor for a friend whose whole job is this. If this dog croaks on my watch. Oh, yeah. Forget about it. You're both ruined. We're going down like Sacco and Van Zetti. And I don't want to make this too much longer, but I do have one more story to go out for this. It's when I was working as well.

I got followed the... By a person or by a pack of wild? a person. The clients I was working for. Oh, they didn't trust you and they didn't trust me and they sent a friend to watch me walk their dog around like

maybe 12 blocks. That's great. That is great. And then I all of a sudden I came back and they thought that I would like to know this. So they were like, you know, we wanted to tell you, we had somebody follow you and I was like, what? And you did a great job.

I'm like, huh. That's low. Eyes wide shut. You're walking this dog. Bung. Bung. Yeah. Looking around.

What in the world? You know what? Like, I get it. You're nervous. It's a stranger walking your dog. Whatever. You don't tell the person. You just say to your, your, your wife or girlfriend or whatever, like, hey, man, that

weird guy we hired turned out to be okay. We don't have anything to worry about because our friend that we had follow him said everything checked out. You're not like, hey, dude, we had followed. We had you followed. That's a pretty good PI gig, huh? Walking people, see how they react with dogs? Kind of sounds like it could be the plot of a shitty Andy Richter's sitcom.

Called canceled. All right. Let's see here. We have, we got another one here. Oh, my God. I just thought about the Rain Wilson. It's Baxter. Backstrom.

So to connect this, if you've heard, episode on Twisted, we couldn't think of Backstrom, but now on a completely different episode of the show, we've remembered Backstrom. That's pretty good. I think so. Thank you very much. By now, we've also probably received 30 emails that say, it's fucking Backstrom, you idiots. All right, so we got a letter here from Nolan. He writes in and says, hey, gang, long time listener, first time emailer here. I have basically been a seller of the We Hate Movie. movie's pyramid scheme for about a year and roped about 15 new listeners in. Okay, thank you very much.

It says, checks in the mail? Yeah. Question mark slash total lie. The real reason that I'm writing in, however, is that I'm a teacher at what can only be the titular Bad Bad Bad, Bad Movie High School. I'm an English teacher, but because I basically begged, I get to teach a film lit class. Normally, this would be great, but I have to now run all of my movies before my boss, before I can show them, even though other teachers.

teachers don't have to for their non-film based classes. This has led to situations where films that I want to show like Psycho and Jaws, which are both better films than they are novels, have been shot down even though I shit you not. The crazy biology teachers shows Mac and me and Abraxas because they both, quote,

show off alien biology. No way. You see Jesse Ventura's biology in that movie, I'll tell you what, though. Alien pony tales. And other assorted, uh,

wrist sexual organs This here is a alien six-pack Yeah, that's an alien six-pack That he ate a beer gut Also called the keg Out of pure rage I have gone around and have written down Films that other teachers show

So then this guy proceeds to list some stuff So this is pretty great So the biology aforementioned Abraxas and Mac and Me Then he says Spanish class Any movie the teacher wants to watch but with Spanish subtitles.

This has led to cases like me having to hear grown-ups two for eight hours from across the hall. Eight hours of David Spade goodness. Listen, David Spade is the least of your problems with grown-ups too. This is my favorite one out of this list. Math.

Cube, which, how is this guy not fired? And the Lost World Jurassic Park because, quote, the main character is a mathematician. Which, who's the main character in that? Jeff Goldblum. He's a chaos theory He's a chaucistian

Yeah Yeah oh yeah I was like Vince Vaughn's a mathematician He's the Second lead in that movie No you got Julian Moore in there It's like they are sharing it Where's Richard Schiff falling in all of this

I mean he's I mean he's getting picked off early He's raptor bait No he gets ripped Two two T-recks is Ripperman half tape Oh that's right Oh it's hilarious Stay the fuck too Absolutely I think that might be coming

a summer blockbuster near you this year. Psychology, the Lazarus project with Paul Walker because he, quote, works at a psych ward. But more importantly, this teacher tried to show his students funny games, but thankfully a parent called the school. Get him fired now. How did it happen to, like, the kid text, Mom, I think we're watching funny games called out.

Yeah, and then his like foreign film savvy mother was like, oh, no, they don't. Or I guess maybe it was the remake. I mean either one But like if I got a text like that Oh you're watching a video of a funny game That's cute Physics the butterfly effect

Because physics And while not a bad movie He does show the Matrix every year Which is the opposite of a physics movie I'm sure there's more But I can't write anymore Without having an angry fat guy heart attack I'm sitting in class typing this

And one of my students just asked Why I was turning so red So it's time to stop Yeah I mean I think we have uncovered a real epidemic in this country's educational system. I mean, what are we doing? This is

like the second or third person we have heard from now that has mentioned teachers showing a Braxis in classes. First of all, how are this many people hip to a Braxas guardian of the universe? Is it just in every library? Is that it? I don't know. Like, are these video

stores or libraries being run by pro wrestling fans? Like, how do so many people have this movie? Maybe just even tour went around to all the video stores around America and took out all the discs from Jules and gym cases and put in a Braxis. So whenever they're trying to show a nice, you know,

foreign, a dignified movie, and all of a son, Braxas. You know, I, uh, that reminds me of this time. I was, um, I teched a show. Steve, I think I teched one of your improv shows or something. And up in the booth, someone had left a DVD case of Coyana Scotty. Oh, okay.

Godfrey Reggio film and I was like oh awesome free copy of Coyna Scotsi I'm gonna yank this right so I just put the case in my bag went home didn't think anything of it like that night I'm like yeah settle in with a tall glass of water my Philip glass score just gonna watch this awesome movie I open it up and the DVD on the inside was a movie called the robo vampire oh man it totally burned it just goes to show you kids don't steal DVDs from other people well especially you're lucky it's not porn or it might have wasn't porn it wasn't porn it was it was a weird like asian horror movie oh yeah yeah it was one of it was a i think it's a chinese film because they had those awesome chinese vampires that like hop like bunnies yeah it's a really weird thing but even weirder are these teachers showing these movies man there's something has to be done about well i mean this has been going on forever when i was in seventh grade i remember going into what i remember to be in earth science class and having to watch free willie my god it's just like the loosest of connections i'm like i guess this is based on earth so sure but you might as well say you watched free willie in a music class because of that fucking michael jackson song it doesn't make any sense would actually make more sense would it yes because then i'm actually like oh listen to that song and tried to break down what he's doing in there step down the earth science elements of free willie for me I don't know, something, something bedrock, the ocean, something.

Steve, you went to the laziest of teaching institutions Catholic school. You've never had any stories like this. Well, no, I mean, we took a couple of trips to see Dante's Peak and Titanic. And I mean, you know, there was always the last week of school, which was that free fall, freeform week, especially in grade school. When they run out of teaching materials and like, hey, you want to play board games and watch Batman? Because we legally have to keep you here, but doesn't mean I legally got it. teach you shit. Oh man, Steve, can you tell your Titanic story? Oh, he's told it on the air. Oh, yeah. So Chris Cabot, I'm going to give you this last one to read here. It's from an anonymous fan. All right. Hey, W.H.M. Big fan of the show. Your recent episode on The 7th Sun inspired me to tell this Jeff Bridges related story. Ooh. Last summer, I was at the movie theater seeing Gardens of the Galaxy. Okay. There you go.

Sure. On opening day, so needless to say, the theater was packed with people. We were all. all waiting for the actual trailers to start. They just had the loop of commercials and behind the scenes and promotional stuff playing. That's the 20, everybody. Or is the Regal first look now? Yeah, well, if you go to a regal, it's the regal first. I don't know what AMC has, but whatever.

It's the AMC first, I don't know. And it was about five minutes before the showtime that this promotion for the giver starts playing a horrendous movie. I skipped it. It starts out with a logo for Fathom events, then Jeff Bridges appears on screen and introduces himself.

I'm Jeff Bridges. Off to a good start so far. And promotes some event for the giver movie or whatever. And the whole commercial lasts like a minute or so. Then the screen fades to black and we see the Fathom Effect logo again. And I'm Jeff Bridges. Come on. And the whole ad plays again and again and again.

Hi up, high up, high, hi, aye. By the fifth time, the whole audience is applauding every time they see. see the logo and Jeff Bridges enthusiastic introduction I don't think Jeff Bridges has been enthusiastic about anything he was enthusiastic about the giver that was a passion project

was it? Yeah he loved the book and oh man he must be disappointed yeah absolutely he's he there was some interview where he was like yeah there was some cock-ups by the eighth time eight times I was applauding too because

the whole situation was so stupid and the fact that everyone was applauding for this commercial, it's kind of hilarious. That ad ended up playing 13 times, I counted. What in the world? And if no one got an usher, it probably would have played

over and over until the end of time. You know what, though, knowing like, multiplex employees, someone went out on the third time, but it was 10 times later somebody did something about. Well, you got a free base sometimes.

Got you get your tinfoil, go in the corner. Oh, that's a bummer. That's running, huh? Free base o'clock, though. Hey, Tofer Grace, what are you doing? I mean, I'm not being a jerk to multiplex employees. I'm speaking from experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'll get right on that, ma'am. I'll go turn that down for you.

Whippets behind the concession stand. Sure, why not? Yeah, everybody's young and stupid sometimes. Do you guys have any funny, projector malfunction stories and we got a couple. Oh, we got we got some so I one of my my favorite things I used to do was and this will this will date me a little bit here but when I was a when I was starting out as a projectionist they still had like the the slideshow on a carousel and they always had like the popcorn trivia right and I would

go around and I would take out all the answer slides so they're just the questions is they wouldn't know who who explained the three seashells to Sylvester Stallone in Judge Dredd. Or a demolition man, rather. Some 67-year-old was about to blow. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sure. Dating yourself, that's like telling a story about putting an attack on the pianist's chair

when the movie was about to start. And he couldn't play the score. A projection of malfunction was the reason I met Jay Hoberman and he knows my name now because we were the two people in a press, screening for Andrew Buzowski's Beeswax. Yeah. And he, like, so the manager comes in. He's like, sorry, this is like never happened in my tenure at least. And we're both like, it's okay. And he's like, yeah, it'll be like 10 minutes. And then he leaves. And it's just me and Jay Hoberman. One of the greatest

film writers of all time. A brightly lit film forum theater. And we're just like, hey. How's it going? Hey, I'm Chris. I'm Jim. that's it we see him all the time at New York film festival do you ever

like look at him and be like beeswax he's like he's like what he did actually because later that

day in that same day I went to see hump day and he was in that screening too and he kind of said

nice to see you again I'll be great he was like fucking beeswax and he kept call it right he would call you

beeswax oh here's beeswags oh look good beeswags my unlucky charm What What minor hell are you going to give for me today, Beez Wax? There was one time, and I wasn't responsible for this.

It's John Travolta and Lisa Kudrow star in Lucky Numbers, I believe. Yeah, that's a terrible movie. And so, you know, back in the day when you had to like splice six reels of film onto a big platter. Back in the day when John Travolta and Lisa Kudrow. could open a movie. Well, or at least tried to. Right? So it's this movie about they like rob the lottery

or whatever in the fuck is that movie. Tim Roth has like weighted lotto balls at some point. Pullman's riding around somewhere. It's just the worst movie, right? But so at some point the person

who put the movie together, put the reels out of order in the middle of the movie. And so the opens nobody knows that this has happened right nobody went out and people were going to see the movie nobody came out and was like hey i think something's fucked up until the monday afternoon when the movie it opened so it was like four days of this movie playing fucked up and nobody noticed i will say there was one uh and this is another funny because another celebrity thing but uh when i was young my dad used to buy like the the the the the whole

like New York Film Festival you get all the tickets so you get a package of all tickets yeah so we went to see Punch Drunk Love at Avery Fisher Hall and right before the screening starts Conan O'Brien and his wife sit down in front of us

that sucks because you're like oh cool it's caught oh fuck it's Coden Can't see Adam Sandler over that fucking head of hair 7 foot 9 Conan O'Brien so all this so the movie starts and like halfway through it all of a sudden like faint

up in the balcony, I start hearing this. And I'm like, I keep looking back and like suddenly more people are looking back. The movie shuts down. What? And the press guy has to come on stage and be like, the movie caused somebody to have a seizure. So we had to stop the movie. What? Those little like the interludes they do with the like wavy colors.

Oh, wow. That's what did it. That triggered a seizure. And guy. Oh, shit. And the funniest thing was like... That's a hilarious story. Conan O'Brien turned around to look at it.

He said, like, under his breath, he was like, what the fuck is going on up there? I would love it if this story turned out to be like Conan got really indignant after the explanation. But you got to be fucking kidding me. Why didn't he just take him out? The one place I wouldn't want to meet Hakeem the dream or Lajuan is at a movie theater, right? everybody that's the one place yeah you'd be happy to meet him in almost any other situation exactly a men's bathhouse hello they don't exist anymore uh please yeah they do

the one question and the one thing that to get out of most of these stories yeah not chris's name drop stories oh pardon me no i had a story about jean shallot that i'm not gonna tell just put that back in your pocket saving for another day no the one thing to take out of these stories is the people that leave the movie theater when something goes wrong are our nation's heroes yep they really are

when the lights stay on you got to look around realize that nobody's doing it and stand up and be that person and I'll tell you what not to toot my own horn but I am almost always a first responder you have to be I am the one running out of the theater exactly something's

a skew and we like yeah nobody wants to be that prig, but like everybody will thank you. Yeah, and well, it's tough because it's not a lot of time you get the credit for it. No. Because you could just be going to the bathroom. I mean, nobody knows. But the thing is, if you are a true

projection first responder, it doesn't matter what the movie is. You don't do it for the credit. I complained that the lights didn't go down in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Oh, I had some words with the usher about that one, including this is the third time I'm out here. What's

going on. And then also, Steve, you remember this one. I humiliated myself at a movie theater because I went out and I said to the usher, excuse me, in the theater number seven over here, the projector's out of focus. And he knew, he knew what movie I was in. And he said,

I'm sorry, sir, what movie is that? Just to make me say TMNT, the animated film. Yes, I had to publicly say that. A relative of mine, and this is really why the people who go are actually the heroes.

It's because most people are this guy who will sit down, the movie starts, unfocused, and just start, focus. Oh, oh, yeah. As if anybody could hear you. Yeah, that's a tough one. It's not 1937. The projectionist isn't there with you.

There's 25 theaters in this thing. What do you think he's doing? And listen, in this day and age, odds are it's a robot. Exactly. You know what I mean? It's Chappie back there. Twisting the thing. Twisting all his knobs.

Oh, Chappie Protect Movie? Chappi Protect Movie. I think it's safe to say I probably will never see that. Better for it. That's WHM Mailbag for March 2015. If you want your weird stories read on the air right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. For more information about our fine program, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. or check us out on the sideshow network sideshow network dot tv until next time i'm andrew jupin

chris gabin steve said it take it easy