We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: Forgotten Films, Lame Roller Coasters and an Encounter with Gene Shalit

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

On this month's WHM Mail Bag episode, the gang discusses movies ruined by awkward parents, adulterous trips to roller coaster parks and the tale of Andrew's weird, late night encounter with legendary film critic, Gene Shalit is finally told!   Do you have a burning question for the WHM gang? Is there a bizarre story you want to share on the air? Then write in to the WHM Mail Bag - [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, everyone, welcome to another, another episode of us, opening up the old W.H.M. Mailbag. Yeah, it's a physical mailbag. Thank you so much for all of you guys sending us physical mail. Yeah. See, yeah. Here's that paper crinkle. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I just hauled it in from the curb. I'm in the W.H.M. Post, man. This is W.H.M. Mailbag for April, right? 2015? Yeah, I think that's this month. Yeah. Dude, well, time just flies, man. Who even knows?

I'm going to 420s in the middle of the month, brother. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm 31 years old and I'm going to fuck. What's that? You want to enjoy it? I don't know. I find it fine.

It's just stoner culture is always a problem. It's the high holidays. It is. And it's great. Everyone should get stoned all the time, not on 420. Not to just like... Well, I mean, that's... Someone had an interesting thing, which was like...

Like, it was a little infographic and it showed, like, an entire calendar year and all the dates of the year except for 420 was in green 420 was red and the green was like all the days you smoke weed and the red was like the day you talk about it on social media or something like that well you know i should say that um only if you have a medical card or you live in the states of washington or colorado absolutely or if it's decriminalized in the city well no no no no that's still not Or if it's decriminalized in the city you live in. Well, you know, agree to disagree.

I want to let any children listening know that it's deadly, deadly stuff. So, let's read some letters. Oh, yeah. We got the first one here. Subject line, mailbag question. Oh, good. That'll get you to the top of the list. A really specific headline.

Hey, guys, love the podcast. Thank you. Is that what this is? Podcast. Congrats on the 200 episodes. Thank you again. My mailback question is, have any of you tried to remember a movie that was so out there or stupid that you honestly think you made it up? I once forgot what nothing but trouble was.

So did everybody else. Excuse me, was called and who was in it. But I tried explaining the plot and the gross old man, Dan Aykroyd. Since the last time I saw it was in like 1998, I thought I made it up. like some awful fever dream and none of my friends believed it existed until I saw the cover in a Walmart five buck bin Kelly sent from my iPhone

So I remember when I was a kid I had this very vivid memory of like waking up and I had to go to the bathroom and coming out of my room to walk down the hall and my mom had a friend over and they were watching a movie and I remember I just turned and looked at the TV and there was this huge devil monster

on the TV and I was like what the fuck and I was terrified and I like bout face and ran into the bathroom and I never was like mom what what are you watching like I never pulled that on her oh was that part in coming to America where Louis Anderson plays a guy with McDonald's I wish

it's a McDowell's oh you're right great movie Oh, absolutely a great movie. But so for years, I was like, was my mom watching a weird, like, satanic movie? Like, what's going on? Well, one day,

and I was late to the party on this movie, which, who cares? Because it's this movie. But it turned out it was Tim Curry in legend. Yeah. It was his devil beast character. Like, it was a total hungover Saturday. And I'm like, oh, yeah, legend with Tom Cruise.

I've never seen this, whatever, put it on. And there was the fucking. devil monster from like 15 years earlier. I got a I got one that's a little out there I think would qualify as you know I grew up for whatever reason, call it negligence.

All right I will. Negligence it is. I grew up with the complete cable package of all the movie channels and whatnot and I like to stay up late at night. So I ended up watching this movie where

I think it was Judd Nelson actually starts growing a hand out of his back Right And Bill Paxton is in it as like a garbage man And he's just like eating like molding rotting chicken And talking about like refried dog shit And like I think he ate that too This was all like and I was just like

Oh God I had a nightmare You know, wake up on the couch the next day And I'm like, it turns out it was a little film called The Dark Backward. Yeah, it's real. It's a real one. It's disgusting. It's eating dog shit, dude. Eating fried dog shit in that movie.

Does that happen? I don't know, maybe. It's a weird movie. The thing is, I might be, like, I saw it. It all adds up, but I might be still making shit up about it. The Judd Nelson Hand thing definitely happens in that movie. I don't have a story like that, but I will jump off the fried dog shit piece. and say... Of course you will.

That nothing but trouble is the most disgusting movie anyone's ever put to film. Yes. And people have requested it. I don't think I can make an episode out of that film. No, we can't do it. It's just wall-to-wall gross. It's like being in a dollar store that's fucking dusty and you start to sneeze. And you're like, oh man, now I'm breathing in dollar store.

It's in my fucking my nodes and my lungs. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. You just talked about how being in a dollar store like that would free you out and that time on the air I talked about my phobia of dollar stores and y'all fucking laughed to me that's what it is that's what it is well I think you're both

ridiculous my dollar store phobia is like Steve watching nothing but trouble because he's eating fucking it's an old man like a rickety old gray hot dog and you got fucking John Candy and a diaper at some no it's Dan Aykroyd has got that diaper on he plays

like the dual diaper roll and it's disgusting yeah you know I you know I agree with you because I hate that movie and I don't think I'd want to talk about her revisit it that much but it's just oh now and here's one thing I want to end this this part of the show on this this letter anyway is this is this is a serious one because this is I know I saw this movie and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called so I want to say it on the air in case anyone has seen it here's my chance to do this so back in school we did a like a world cinema class is this a

Not film? Maybe. Maybe, actually. But so there is, it was like a grab bag, like we're just going to go from country to country and kind of pop around or whatever. And so there was, it was an Asian film. I don't remember where in Asia it's from. But the whole plot of the movie is there's a guy who's like a performance artist and he fakes his own death.

And then from afar spies on the reactions of, all his friends and family and like, I don't know if he films them like morning. Do you remember this? I was in that class. I think I do remember this. I don't know what it was called. Exactly. So if anyone out there if you have any information about that movie,

we all hate movies at gmail.com. It's a last scene in a humanities building classroom. Another movie involves a werewolf. Yeah. A lot of the time he transitioned into werewolves. All right, Steve. What do you got?

Swayzy Slumber Party Massacre. All right. Dear W.H.m, which is actually short for We Hate Movies. If you're ever on the internet and you're like, hey, how do I, I want to write Wehate movies? You can write WHM. It's just the same difference. Yeah, sometimes, though, W.HM butts heads with W.HM. Women's History Month. And that can get confusing on Twitter. Sure, I can.

Well, they're kind of the same. This is Bart from Cincinnati. And I have been hooked. There's an editor. He missed the eye there. And I have been hooked every... Yeah, you know what's great. Read those aloud. Point that out.

And I have been hooked ever since the no-holds-barred episode. Classic F, by the way. I wrote in because your recent episode on Next to Kinn reminded me of an incident involving another Swayzee's classic and possible future episode. The incident happened at a birthday slash slumber party

when the dad of the birthday boy decided it was high time for us 10-year-olds to watch what he called an educational film. The movie in question is, of course, Red Dawn. Now imagine at least you didn't say ghost. Now imagine watching that for the first time with a friend's dad

prefacing this movie talking about how this is definitely going to happen in the future and to pay attention because it could save your life. I had so many nightmares about soldiers parachuting down and shooting up my school. My parents being sent

to a re-education camp and having to hide out in the woods from a communist. The funny thing is that the USSR from a congressman had rumbled four years earlier I was wondering But you know Chana's still around And Cuba's still around Obama

Oh don't even get me started Obama's got soldiers That'll shoot up schools Obama coming right from North Korea I was wondering if you had any similar Incidences with movies as kids Bart Sentenetic

All right like Like parents being humiliating While you're watching a movie Or yeah yeah Yeah I think you could take that a few ways. Is there any maybe movies that you got scared by that you saw maybe a little too young

or did you know? I always hated somebody dadding up a movie at the end of it. You know, I remember watching Apollo 13 with somebody's dad. It was like me, my brother, my sister, and this kid and Apollo 13's happening and then

like it's ending and he's like he just starts, he takes it upon himself to be like, then the next group of astronauts will be Mark and Leslie and Steven And I'm like Shut off I know like

I was just like I just felt very uncomfortable You know what I mean Like yeah You know Don't inspire me I'm watching fucking Apollo 13 I'm only here

For the large bowl of Doritos You're serving Also it's not your job To inspire me You're not my dad That's ridiculous Well that's better than what I had Man one time

So I'm watching Braveheart This is the first time I'm watching Braveheart so this is like whatever 1995 or something like it was like just on home video so watching Braveheart and it gets to that scene where Sophie Marceau is like we all

know the scene and she's bathing in that waterfall and whatnot and it's me my buddy and his dad in a dark living room they were like a movies on lights off house sure so there we are in the dark and I'm like oh man

all right movie with nudity haven't had a lot of these yet Pretty cool. It's been violent and now there's sexy ladies. Perfect. And just the scene, if you remember it, is like just some gentle music and she's showering under a waterfall and whatever. I want to mad at you. And then cutting through this beautiful moment is just this dude's dad just goes, well, there's her boobers.

boobers dude and i have never had a moment shattered so fast into so many pieces than the grown man using the word boober i got i got one that shatters a beautiful moment but it's not it doesn't involve dads didn't watch a lot of movies with dads yeah but uh or you know again this is another late night cable terror sure sure The lights went out. It's time to fucking watch a movie. You know, you're like, hey, wait, what's this?

And I think other, I think my, this might actually, maybe my uncle or someone was watching this and I walked in the room or whatever, and everyone was kind of cool with it. You just slink in and kind of take a seat at the edge of the couch. Enough of like banquet beers. We're consumed where we're all kind of all right with it. So, you know, this is my first exposure to this franchise. You'll figure out what it is real quick.

I see this naked lady on a bed. and it's like it's like you know it's pretty insanely naked sure and you're like wait a second I'm a small child I want to know what this is about well then some chains come out and rip all her skin off oh no secret hellraiser screaming yeah yeah that's not what you want when you're like I think I was like 11 did anyone say anything after that happened uh I think I left the room And they probably thought I was a, you know, a wuss. I watched that movie for the first time shortly after turning 30 years old last year. And I was like, I don't know if I'm old enough to watch it.

Well, I've been thinking about that scene for a long, long time. Oh, yeah. You can't get it out. You know, now you, this is how you become a killer. You just can't shake that shit. Exactly. All right. Let's see here.

Where's my email? Here we go. Boobers. Hey, there's her boobers. Hey, cool. It's her boobers. Oh, man. You think I could get a girlfriend with some good boobers in here?

Hey, listen, when you're then there trying to cast my next movie, how about I get a girlfriend with some real nice boobers? Could you do that? And don't go skimping on a chicken. Rotten molding chicken. Larry, the cable guy is sharing out of a bucket with Bill Paxton. All right. So this email, this is great. It's called Face Off Ring Off.

Okay. So you guys will recall from a few weeks back, episode 199, we were talking about John Wu's faceoff, garnered us a lot of emails. This one stands out. Hey guys, as soon as I saw you were covering Face Off, I knew I had to share a related story. I met a girl a few years back and we had a brief but fun relationship. At the peak we took a trip to a major amusement

park that featured a face-off themed roller coaster. What? I also found that in the in-hotel movie service, they were also offering the said film for rental. So a plan was put into motion. We would end the day

at the park with a ride on the coaster and then back to the hotel for a tall glass of water I guess there's smoking weed in the hotel room Pizza and face off What a party That wasn't my commentary He wrote

What a party I believe you The next morning during the return home trip We stopped for gas While she was inside paying Real nice buddy I being nosy Real nice buddy

Open the console To find a picture of her Her two kids and her obvious husband I slowly closed the console and never spoke to her again. Love your show, Jeff the accidental adulterer. Nice.

Now I'll say this though, Jeff. You found a picture. You didn't find like a ring that was hidden in there. Could have been a divorce. Could have been murdered by, you know, Hellraiser Centabytes. You never know. And she's just hanging on.

She's like, yeah, I'll go to this face-off amusement park with this guy. but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget the memory of my slaughtered family. Can we just talk about what this face-off amusement park ride is? Does anyone know what this is? Does it thunk your face off? Is it maybe like the beginning of the back to the future ride instead of like Doc Brown and CCH Pounder?

All right, Sean Archer. You'll have to. There's only one way to catch cast a Troy. Maybe that's the only way you're held into the roller coaster is instead of a security strap comes down, it's just a thing that gets stuck to your face and it holds you in the roller coaster. It holds your face and it's like,

all right, Sean Archer, now perform gun foo. Oh, Sean Archer, it's Gina Gershan. You'd better sleep with her or else she won't believe you're you. I think I looked up, because someone else was talking about the face off roller coaster.

I think what it is, it's one of those roller coasters. Here's the thing with roller coasters. I think there's like technically seven different roller coasters and we just paint them different colors and call them different things because this sounded awfully similar to a roller coaster that was near where I grew up called the boomerang which was like the whole like cart backed up up up up like a really steep incline and then dropped you and you went for like a loop to loop that's a boomer and then there's her boomers there's a boomer right there and then you went up to like the top of it again right? And then it dropped you backwards. I think that's what this face-off roller coaster was. Okay. Because you get it to the duality of the roller coaster track or something because we have to make a face-off ride. What horse shit?

Music Park Story. I was about to get a in Six Flags Great Adventure in the Greater Metropolitan Area. I was about to jump on Batman and Robbins the Chiller in high school. Chill out. I was in the Robin one They both went really really fast They started immediately Like it wasn't like a

Whatever Oh you just like launch off Yeah you're getting whiplash man That's dangerous My belt didn't buckle And here I go 18 years old on a high school trip And I gotta start screaming

Because my thing is not buckled And I am Like my life is in my own hands Because some fucking stoner just was like, you're good fat kid and moved on. You could have been a YouTube star. A few years later, you would have been a YouTube star.

Dude, that guy's screaming on that roller coaster is hilarious. So was it like that? But you were safe. You survived. Well, no, before the ride started, I was like, hey, hey! And like, oh wait, sorry, bra. Here's your fucking latch.

Like, yeah, cool, bra. Oh, my God, dude. What a fucking car. The illusion. of safety at amusement parks is amazing, isn't it? It's just like, you're dealing with fucking people that are stoned all day. Dude, carnies.

You know who the number, you know what the number one attendee of amusement parks? What? Grim Reaper. Yeah, the Reaper's going to all sorts of coaster parks, man. Yeah. So one little last one here. All right. And I, yeah,

we'll see. We'll see. Gene Schallet. And snicker almonds. Snickers almonds. Oh, boy. The very first episode of WHM I listened to was Twister. At some point, one of you, and who knows which one, given that you all apparently sound alike. Oh, get over yourselves, everyone.

No, no, just, you know, we are from the state of New York. And certain people sound like other people that live near them, I guess, right? Like, there's sort of a regional accent develops over time. That's what I heard happens. You know, it's sort of like how, you know, some people sound like this. Right, exactly right. And if we all sounded like that, right, then maybe, you know, you wouldn't tell who say what about the boobers.

Or we all sound like CCH pounder. Here's another reason why you should get this face-off experiment, Sean Archer. Are you ready? Are you ready? Make sure your safety latches are firmly buckled. And your wallet is in the little cubby in front of you. I'm talking to you, fat kid in the Hawaiian t-shirt. All right, so, okay, he goes on to say that, obviously, like, who knows which one of us,

said they had a story about selling Jean Shalett, two Snickers almonds. 117 episodes have passed, and I still have not heard this story. I demanded to be told, Todd. I don't know if this got told at all. Maybe Todd missed something. maybe you did tell it but maybe you didn't so i don't i don't think so and todd by the way this is andrew jupin this is me he's the guy on every episode so you could you could maybe zero in on that that voice and and crack that nugget first oh yeah it's like crack an enigma yeah dude you got

all they found out you know the weather was this this this hyle hitler that's how they you're the dude you're the fucking hyle hitler i'm hiel hitler nice oh man you're lucky All right, Todd, here you go. Here's the Gene Shalett story. So, as you've heard on other, you know, hundreds of episodes, I talk about it all the time. I used to be a projectionist at a mall multiplex, a real shitty dirt mall, garbage town movie theater. And that's what it was. Times were tough.

The whole building, it's such a dirt town. That whole building is completely demolished, by the way. Oh, man, they couldn't dust that off. I couldn't. So anyways, I had worked like a full day open and, you know, work till whatever, like 6 o'clock. And I'm driving home. And I get a phone call from my manager. And it's always a terrible sign.

You know, you're getting a phone call just after you got off of your part-time job. Because it's either you left your jacket here or come back in and work some more. So I picked up the phone and he's like, hey, do you want to make $200? And I'm like, hey, man. sounds good to me and he's like we need you to come in and do like a special

screening you have to like run this projector you have to stay with it the entire time you know we can't have someone who's running the other it was a 10 screen theater we can't have someone who's running the other nine machines

you know walk away from this projector and I'm like all right yeah whatever sure why is it $200 and he says because it's a special screening for Gene shall it because he has to screen this movie because he has to do the review of it on good morning America or whatever he used to be on yeah uh and he's gonna pay you $200 to run this movie

and I'm like you just gotta go to his creepy old mansion exactly I gotta put it I gotta put his mustache wax on for him so I turn Andrew I used to be in the pictures just didn't look a silk robe Gene Chalet as Norma Desmond? Yeah. Sign me up. Dude, it starts with me face down in a pool. Sunset Boulevard.

So I turn around. I drive back. And, you know, he's like, he's going to be here in like an hour and a half. So you have to make up this print before then. So I say, okay, what's the movie that he so desperately needs to watch to review on Good Morning America? and my manager sheepishly is like it's the new Jamie Fox movie Stealth and I'm like yeah

that's why it's fucking $200 so I put together this piece of shit get everything ready and I go downstairs and get a cup of coffee and in walks Gene Shalett and he is exactly what you think Gene Shallet is right like what he is on TV is Jean Shalette. Is he

wearing a t-shirt? Is he dressed to the... Is he, like, wearing that corduroy suit, I believe? He's got a crinkly ass cordorice suit. It's like cordorice suit jacket with the most wrinkled tan khakis you've ever seen in your life. The mustache is there, the bowtie, the whole fucking

thing. Oh, my, you put the bow tie on for this? Yeah, he put a bow tie on to review still. It's a night at the movies. I guess those are the two options. You can either do, like, I'm Jean-Shallat, I'm going to put on different glasses, put on a hat, We're like a band t-shirt

Wear a seven-dust t-shirt Go to the movies I love seven dust Or Just do go for Go for the You know the whole thing I mean so he was go for

Shalett man I mean he came in And so I was getting I wasn't gonna be stealth To this movie premiere I wanted to be myself He shockingly didn't make any pun What?

No I know I guess that was the one part of him That was off for the evening But so So I'm getting a cup of coffee when he happened to walk in and you know my manager comes up and he's like oh mr shallot welcome blah blah blah and i'm like hey jean shallot can i get you anything and he looks at this consent it was a shitty like nothing concession sand he's like snickers almond for a dollar well i'll take

too like okay jean shallot i think like he gave me a five and like did keep the change oh nice jean shallot so he goes i start the movie for him you know he watches fucking stealth what i so i am in essence watching stealth with jean shallot we're just not in the same room oh you got to watch the master work yeah yeah the master filmmaker rob cohen make that movie and so what the movie's terrible whatever so it's like it's it's after out like nothing else was playing the building was empty and so comes out like the credits are rolling so once i I saw credits. I went downstairs. And we were just kind of making small talk.

And he goes into the bathroom. And he'd been saying something like on the way in. And I was like, yeah, yeah, whatever. And I just, for some, I was like, so, so what did you think of the movie? Like, I yell at Gene Shalett in the bathroom. And then what happens is, it's got Oscar written all over it. Immediate toilet flush. It was such perfect timing that I think he knew what he was doing.

And then he just, he came out. He was like, all right, thanks. Here's a check for $200. Bye. You know, that was the end of it. Then he just, he walked into the foggy night and I never saw Gene Schallet again. You think he remembers you? Not at all.

Not even in the slightest. Oh, I've had, I've had, I've had projectionist boys lined up from here to King, Kingdom Come, make it up all sorts of stelts for me. Kingdom Come. But I only had one, one far away that had two Snickers almonds. A dollar apiece, he said. Guarantee you remembers those Snickers better than you. Do you make Snickers almond anymore? Oh, yeah, dude.

I don't think I've had one. They're great. You can get them for a dollar. Maybe I will. The line is I'll take two, right? Yeah, yeah, you'll take two. That's WHM Mailbag for this month, gang. if you want your weird stories red on the air,

if you have questions for us that you need answered desperately, like what the hell was that Jean-Shallet story? Or pseudo-story? Yeah, it's a story, right? It's a story, he's got a toilet flush. You know, if you want to tell us to go fuck ourselves. I guess you could do that too if you want. Right into the mailbag.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until the next time we open up the mailbag. I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Zedak. Take it easy. Thank you.