We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: Hamsters, Hobbits and Horrible Parents

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys chat about hamster disposal, boring Hobbit movies, terrible movies parents bring kids to and more! How did your parents get rid of dead pets? Are you catching that third Hobbit film? And where should parents draw the line with bringing kids to films?   If you want your questions, stories or strange movie-going experiences read on the air, write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! No one wants to see this third Hobbit movie, right? Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, everyone. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, December edition, holiday edition, if you will. I'm Andrew Jupin, alongside Steve Sadek and Chris Cabin. We're going to read some letters. They're not letters to Santa. We need, like, a big bag with letters in it. You could, like, make a shuffling noise, too. That'd be fun. Oh, yeah.

Just, like, we're actually going through stuff instead of reading emails on our phone. Yeah. I'd love that. Our phone. We all have, we all share a phone. It's the WHM hotline. That's what you call in.

It's just, it's one phone. It's all-fashioned flipper. It's one more reason to buy some spread shirts. You know what, guys? Exactly. We all need separate phones at this point. Totally. I mean, it's really said.

It's four grown men using the same phone. It's really pathetic. So we got some letters here we're going to go through for the holiday season here. Steve, do you want to go first? Yeah, this is a weird one. It's got nothing to do with the holidays, but it creep me out. So here it comes. It's perfect.

This is from Mark. Hey, guys, glad to hear that you had brutal parents when it came to burying hamsters. That's a reference to me. And Chris? When I was a kid, we lived in a small community out in the desert, already getting scary. My sister's hamster died, and my dad. took us out to the desert to bury it. When we arrived, my dad grabbed the makeshift

shoebox slash coffin the hamster was in and told me and my sister to wait in the car. About three minutes later, we heard loud gunshots. My dad being an avid gun collector, decided to try out one of his new handguns on the hamsters. Oh, what?

I never found the buried hamster after that. Cheers, Mark. You remember that video that you can still find on YouTube now when Randy Johnson threw the pitch and it hit that bird and it evaporates that's what

happened to your hamster pal you didn't find it because it didn't exist after that yeah he shot it a couple of times because he missed a few times it just takes one the gun works as it turns out what here's my question

I mean it's probably like the end of Alien Resurrection that fucking hamster just everywhere my question is, I mean, what's wrong with some beer cans? Yeah, I know. What is the problem? Dude, that, your dad is escalating is what I'm seriously, seriously. But here's

the thing. Is he shooting them in the box or is he tossing them in the air in trying to like align sight? Oh, wow, you're thinking it's a pole? Yeah. I think it's the second one because I don't think that there's much, you know, to be gained of shooting a hamster in a box, right? Want to

see if this gun shoots through shoe boxes. Yeah, exactly. nice totally i don't know i want to watch that johnny dangerously johnny dangerously one of the greatest michael keaton movies this side of batman um yeah that's really weird buddy i don't know what like what happens what happens after that and also you know he makes reference to our parents being horrible with that the the story i told was uh i had a hamster that died and my parents said that my dad buried it in the woods

when in fact my dad just threw it over the fence but i didn't find that out to I was like 25. Yes. You heard gunshots go off. I mean, I actually did put the mouse in the garbage. So I'm closer. So, I mean, I understand your plight. Right.

Here's my question about that, though, Chris Cabin. When you toss that mouse in the trash can, did you immediately then take the bag of garbage out to like the outside garbage? You just let that sit till the can was filled. Are you put like pizzas on top of this mouse? I do believe there was at least one. dirty paper towel on top of the mouse. You know what? That's what it gets

disrespectful. Really, I mean, like throwing it in the garbage is bad enough. But just making it into regular garbage at that point. I guess it was even worse than that because... Would you piss on it? Close. What I did was, at the same time, I was like, well, I don't

need this mouse cage anymore, so I dumped all of the innards of the mouse cage. All of his belongings. Dude, that's like someone throwing you in a grave and emptying your house on top. I treated him like a pharaoh. He was buried with all his possessions.

And then I threw him in the actual garbage. Hey Chris, you know how I always say that you're going to end up like Joe Pesci and Casino? So I'm imagining that happens to you, right? You get beaten to death with a bunch of baseball bats out in the cornfield and they throw all these

bluephras on top of you. Man, you've asked me to go to that garage in the Bronx. Like 15 times at this point. I would hope you'd get the hints. What else are we going to do with his Criterion Collection? Dumb. That's amazing.

Who was that from? That's Mark. Mark, God bless you. Wow. That's tough, buddy. That's a rough one, man. It's a rough one to get over. Oh, that's terrible.

All right. We're going to do a couple of holiday ones here to round out the evening. As opposed to the creepy stuff. Start strong. so this is from um mark or nope that was the last one have another beer dip shit this is matt matt writes in says uh hello w hm gang uh since you put out the call for holiday related stories i had a question for you all did you ever watch a movie on or close to christmas uh that killed whatever holiday spirit if any you had back in 2007 my uncle and i made the god awful decision

to go see that cheery, well-regarded epic I am legend on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, we left bitter, depressed, and broken men. Sincerely met. Yeah, I have kind of a sad story about that. So one Christmas, I was out, like, after, like, the family things,

I had some friends that were having a party. Like, this dude's parents had, like, a Christmas party every year. And so I went over to hang out. They were all, like, co-workers and whatnot. And this was still back in the Working at the old It was like all my multiplex Co-workers and stuff like that

We'd all moved on from the multiplex at the time But I was like guys, you know, it'll be really cool Why we'd go back to the old theater That Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes movie is playing Oh no And everybody was like, yeah man We're kind of just having a good time And it was a thing

Where like everybody was drinking having a blast But I drove myself, I was alone And I was like well shit I can't be slugging back beer so if I can't be drinking, I can't be having fun, right? Cut to me, 20 minutes later, alone on Christmas, in an empty, huge movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes One, just in the dart.

I'm serious, not a single other person was in this theater. Well, here's the, is, my dad used to have this, every Christmas he would show me a movie he thought I should see. And that was like our thing is we'd go out, during the morning, we'd go and see a new movie, and then at night when we were having dinner, we'd watch a movie he thought I should see. And most of them were great.

But this one Christmas, I remember. Chris Calvin's This One Christmas, dot, dot, dot, dot. This one Christmas, he turns on Sophie's choice. Come on! Come on, Chris's dad. I remember this. My mom loves this story because there was this one exchange

between me my dad and me because I was like this is 1213 so I was like settling into cursing and trying it on for size

and I forget I think I don't think it was the last scene but it was one of the Nazi scenes one of the Nazi scenes and I was like oh my God

and like my dad just says yeah the Nazis were trouble Those Nazis, they were trouble. Yeah, your dad, educated Cinephile history teacher, not so much. Yeah, yeah, they were in trouble.

Your dad is the Burt Reynolds of teaching history. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of trouble. I am breaking a tradition this year because I'm tired of it. Nice. I'm getting that way too with the holidays, by the way. Let's fucking break through it all. I mean, it's not really a tradition.

Two years ago, I was going to, going to go to my sisters on Christmas Eve, but she just had a kid and I was sick. So, you know, I literally was by myself on Christmas Eve because you can't be around a baby when you're sick. No, no. So, but I was sick enough, you know, sick enough not to be around a kid, but not, you know, bedridden.

She's like, you know, let me go see that Hobbit movie. Let me just go Christmas Eve, by myself, in the rain. Oh, man. I have a movie theater like, you know, a quarter mile from my house that I could walk. I have to cut through a BJ's point. parking lot to get there on Christmas.

Folks overseas who don't know what he's talking about. It's a bulk buying wholesale store and not some blowjob factory. Oh no, I meant New Jersey. I knew it. Mm-hmm. It's a Christy man. That's what he likes.

And so I did that and then actually, because I liked it. I was like, oh, you know, they're really kind of padding it out. And then the second one came around last year And, like, before I actually went up to meet my family, I was like, you know, I got out of work early. I was like, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to go see that second Hobbit movie. Let me go.

Let me. This is my new Christmas Eve tradition is see the Hobbit movie by myself. Oh, man. And this year, I'm just, I think I've really been struggling with this. I think I'm not going to see the third one. Yeah. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of it. Have you, are you going to do it, Chris?

I think I'm going to do it just because I need closure. One last time. telling me one last time. I'm not starting the next one. Whatever. I know there's going to be a next one. I know it's got to happen. But I'm not doing it. Did you see the second one? No, I didn't. I'll tell you why. Because when I went to see the first one, I was also by myself. It was 1145, okay, PM. So you're gearing up for a three-hour movie 15 minutes before midnight. You know why I'm doing it?

Because they got that goddamn Star Trek footage in front of it. But it was only one theater, the middle of Manhattan, the 34th Street, and 8th Avenue by Penn Station. So you got to go to that mess part of town. That's the worst. You just want to blow your brains out. That's like Giuliani never came to town. It's just that one block.

How did you miss it? I know. You cleaned up the rest of it? How did you miss it? And so I go there. I'm waiting outside in the cold next to everybody who's dressed in costume. I'm the only one. Oh, man.

I'm the only one out of costume, so I'm the asshole. And the other stipulation to get that Star Trek footage was you had to go see it in the high frame rate. And let me tell you, high frame rate, you can keep it. You can keep it. You can keep it all at Peter Jackson's house because it was the worst goddamn experience at the movies ever. It's jarring. I saw the first one with the frame rate. I saw the second one without the frame rate.

Hey, kid, you want to pay $15 to watch the shittiest video game you've ever seen? see me fast forward through my movie. That's what it is. It makes it look like you're fast forwarding through the movie. Like, just like one, just one. You know, you, yep. When you hit the fast forward button, it says two. If it was just one, that's what that is.

You're totally right. It was a bad 1980s British sitcom. Like, you know what I mean? Like that bad video where the camera's moving. I mean, John Cleese should come out, be, you know, hovering over the guest services desk at this point. Faulty Towers joke. You know what I mean? Like, it looks so bad in that high frame rate.

And I was like, you know what? I don't give a shit. I'm like the leanest of Lord of the Rings fans as it is. You know what I mean? Like, I'm fine with it. It's a great achievement that first trilogy. I saw them all in theaters. I don't regret a thing about it.

Somewhere I've got the extended DVDs in a closet that I'll never break them out. Of course not. But I just don't need it. I didn't watch the second one. I didn't go back. I like smog in the side. I think it's a good hour. Smog is the dragon.

Yeah, that's a deal. And has Benedict Cumberbatch. talking yeah he's talking oh he's good yeah and that's like a solid 45 to an hour of that movie is the small part of three hours of three hours exactly i got to sift through so many second breakfasts and fucking idiots dancing all like just shut off there is less dancing is there let me tell you the same amount of eating hobbit jokes and like almost getting drunk like a hobbit you can keep it i don't want hobbit drinking stories thank you very little And you know what else I don't like is

The obsession with like people learning elvish No, yeah, you can't do it I mean that stems from all of LOTR fandom And Tolkien fandom in general But I feel like that experience of me Standing outside on 34th Street Freezing my tits off Waiting to go see this movie

I didn't really want to see in the first place But there's Star Trek footage So I'm shaking because I haven't seen it yet And just all these people just jib jabbing and fake to No way Oh, dude, just flip, flapping their gums in Elvish. I will say learning Elvish makes you smarter than people who learn Klingon somehow. I don't know why, because it's older and it's from a book.

It's a classier fake language. Yeah, it is. I've never been on any of the Star Wars episodes. I haven't been able to tell this story. Oh, wow. But when the re-releases happened. Re-release, the original trilogy. The original trilogy was being re-released.

Yeah. I remember going to see Empire Strikes Back. I was in line. and there was this asshole and his friend and the asshole was dressed up like Hans Sol the friend like Chewbacca

they had an entire conversation where the Chubaca guy was just growling in Chubaca and it was going like he would react the Hans Solo asshole would react to the Chubaka asshole

that's terrible I'm telling you 25 minutes at least before the line started moving and they shut up here's my thing with that who is that for who are you doing that bit for

are you hoping that people like Chris Cabin are online hearing you and are impressed no you have miscalculated you want to dress up for your movie go for it you're a big fan we're all freaking nerds here let's not no one's on a soapbox

dressing up there's nothing wrong with it nope nope totally fine fake languages I draw the line yeah you have to because because you can't you could just you could just as easily learn French yeah

It always goes back to Steve Sadek. You can learn French. The Rosetta Stone exists. Listen, do something that might help you get a job. Hey, sure. Who knows? Like, oh, my God, I'm fluent in French. Look at all these opportunities around me now.

Oh, I'm growling like Chubacca. No job opportunities. Maybe if you learn Elvis, you could be a consultant at the Peter Jackson Museum. Which will be in the 2050s, I think. I can't wait. I would go to that. All right. So we got one more email to get through here.

and Chris I've marked it off past the We Hate Movie's cell phone We Hate Movies hotlines getting passed around Spreadshirt by us please WHM podcast that spreadsheet.com There's a really smart secundice t-shirt. All right, here we go. Last email. Hello, WHM gang. Big fan, et cetera.

So, the girl with the dragon tattoo might not be a holiday movie, but it did come out during the holidays thanks to a poorly calculated marketing campaign. I would say accurately calculated. Yeah, that was about right. For all the creeps that want something to do on Christmas without family around. Like me apparently watching Sherlock.

Like me, trudging up Bordeaux to watch a fucking stupid Hobbit movie by myself. All alone on Christmas Eve with the sniffles. Sorry, continue. Sure. Right when the graphic rape scene begins, a father and his two young children have a seat in. the theater. You fucking idiot. They stayed for the whole

rape scene. That's a fucking ass rape scene. Yep. And then the mother came in and pulled all three of them out of the theater. Not sure how long that'll stay with those kids, but I certainly haven't forgotten it. Happy holidays, Ben. Oh, man. In conjunction with your last

mailbag story, Chris. Don't bring your kids to David Fincher movies. Just stay away. Now look, I, as Chris has, okay, you know, we We've worked in the multiplex biz, okay? Like, there are people that you get mixed up sometimes and you walk into the wrong theater. It's almost impossible, but people do it.

I mean, it's almost impossible because there's always a goddamn poster right outside the door that you're opening or a big red sign above that tells you what it is. Yeah. Okay. So, like, whatever, you missed it. You're dealing with some shit eating kids. Who knows what's going on, right? when you walk into that theater and the screen is on and listen this rape scene isn't like the first thing that happens in the movie so the movie's on for a while okay when you walk in and you you're a human being so you have sight and sound in front of you you're going to look at what it is and you see a woman getting raped get those kids out of there well before the because I know what I happen to know what rape scene he's talking about but there are other ones and there's one right before it it's it's the opposite of i've got kids here it's you've got kids here i think you're allowed

if you're in a you should really i mean like nobody ever wants to get into shit with bad parents but like you really can turn around and be like really dude just just get out like why are you why are you even making it to the point where your ass is hitting chair you turn the corner into that beautiful darkness and you see that the movie is clearly not the crudes or whatever the hell you bought a ticket to. Okay, it's not an animated caveman running around. There's no dragons. Nope.

It's clearly a graphic scene of some kind. Just turn around and walk away. Also, I know opening credits, you know, it's Wild West now. You can do whatever you like in the opening. But almost always, and I'm almost, I know it happens with this one because of the, you know, crazy opening. There's a title. You can read the title and you're an adult. so you know that this freaking mega-hit book

is about this woman who is violently raped a couple times. Oh, girl of the dragon tattoo, huh? I thought they called this the Crudes. There's no way I could have possibly walked into the wrong theater, so obviously this is the movie's fault and the theater manager's fault. I mean, I know that Hi Carly is like getting older,

but tattoo, really? And a dragon tattoo. I remember feeling inappropriate being taken to abyss as a kid. Now, this reminds me of a story, Steve, that I don't think you've told on the year. The hostage story? Yeah, I'm going to pimp you into the hostage story right now because this is a goddamn classic. And I was thinking the same thing, and I'm not sure if I told. So if I did, please tweet it us and tell me what episode it is and call me an asshole.

And you're right. I don't think so. I don't think you have. So the movie hostage, it's what of Bruce Willis's least memorable performances. But it's a really strangely violent movie It's very dark for some reason It's a really twisted performance from Ben Foster Yep, exactly

Before Robin Wright Penn Had to look at his twisted performances It's an injustice And so he So you know Ben Foster's like this monster He's trying to rape this girl He's trying to stab this girl

I think he gets stabbed in the face Or one of the bank robbers Or hostages Super violent thing that happens to them Like, everything stops. The theater's just quiet because everyone's like, oh, Christ, this is my Friday? This is really what I did this Friday? And a kid starts crying.

And it's a super packed multiplex opening night. And this guy out of nowhere just shouts out. And it's a hero. Great movie to bring your kids to. And I laugh. It's perfect because, yes, it is a great movie to bring your kids to. Totally. The only thing similar I can add to this.

And Chris Cabin, you were there for this one. one. Me, Chris, we hate movies, co-host Eric Siska and another friend of ours, went to go see the first Captain America movie. Packed theater, super ultra-packed theater. We're

like several tall glasses of water in the parking lot before we go see this movie. So we're ready for Captain America, right? And there's just a couple of shit-eaten kids just screaming and yelling, just screaming and yelling. The debut of the Red Skull didn't help. They were terrified.

if you go weaving, right? And they're screaming and screaming. And it was one of those beautiful moments when the audience collectively turned on the parents. And you started hearing a lot of like, get them out of here. Why don't you leave? Get out.

Like all of this starts happening. And you could tell it was a thing where the parents were just like terrified, like frozen in embarrassment. These kids are running up and down both sides of the stairs, right? Just freaking out, just screaming. And everybody's like,

totally pissed. And finally, they just, they decide to suck it up. And it's like, we're defeated here. The audience is turned against us. Our children have turned against us. The red skull is turned against us. Oh, no, not the red skull. Oh, yeah. You know it's trouble when the red skull turns against you. So they get up and you see them carrying the kids. I swear to God, round of applause. Oh, man. Theater wide round of applause. And it was, it was like a wave formation like it started very close to where they were sitting and then as like more people realized what was happening

in the theater it just like spread and it was just this just joy is rapture that these children were getting pulled out everybody just started loving that movie even more after that is so great that's lovely so those are some emails for a holiday theme December edition

of the WHM mailbag if you want your emails and stories and weird movie going experiences read on the right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Until January's episode, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Gavin.

Take it easy.