We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: Horrendous Films to See Before You Die, Pat Hingle & Movie Theater Creeps

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

On this edition of WHM Mail Bag the gang reads emails from people recalling strange tales of movie theater creeps during bad Eastwood movies, hilarious run-ins with the legendary Pat Hingle, and one listener who allowed Stealth to be a loose acquaintance's last film on this earth. PLUS: Eric & Andrew shun Roy Scheider's widow.  If you have a strange story, odd tale or total creep-out yarn you want us to read on the air, write in to the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Welcome to another edition of Welcome to another edition of WHM Mailbag for the month of June, everybody. I'm Andrew Juppen alongside the whole gang. fellas, we're going to read some letters. You know, I know why we take off is because looking at you guys sweat is just not... That's why we're not in the... We're not a summer show. I like watching you sweat.

Yeah, don't avert your gaze, Stephen. Uh, yeah, I mean, the dog days of summer in New York City. It's either you're just naked on your couch or you're killing yourself outside. Yes. Like those people that sit on the sidewalk and kid themselves that it's cooler out there, I feel sorry for those sad. There's no TV out there. You're just roasting yourself.

You're just cooking. Take a nice cold, quick shower, one of those disgusting things. Cool-down showers. A cool-down shower just so I can sleep at night. Yeah, the last thing I need to be doing is recording podcasts in August. Getting angry at things. Getting the blood up. So we have four letters here.

It is four of us. Look at that. Hey. Doing math. So this one, this is pretty nice. And for all those people who say, you know, all these heartless guys or all those jaded New Yorkers with the toilet talk. Those pig people with their pig brains. Well, we're going to do something very nice for someone today.

And we're going to pat ourselves on the back about it. Don't worry. Oh, listen, when something like this comes off once in a lifetime, those pigs are congratulating themselves again. How pig is of them. Hach, hodge, hodge, hush. We've got to take a little stroll with it. Exactly. Just taking it out for a little bit of a walk.

So, dear, we hate movies gang. That's us. That is us. My husband and I are huge fans of the show. What did you say? All of us, yes. All of us. Yes. Every last one of us. Stop interrupting. I'm sorry. This is a heartfelt letter

and you're ruining it. Pardon. Chris, shut the fuck up. My husband and I are huge fans of the show, especially your excellent Matthew Broderick and Jaws Shark impressions. They should fight against the barber and Childs Play 3 under

the sage tutelage of Bob Hoskins, God rest his soul. God rest his soul indeed, email writer. Continues. She says, this is from Christy, by the way. She says, My husband, Phil, is a concrete finisher and works 60 hours a week to support our family

and pay for my tuition for my nursing degree program, which I attend full time. He is also an active and nurturing dad to our two young boys and a constant source of love and support. We have very hectic lives and have very few minutes together alone during the week. But we do

listen to the podcast every Tuesday on our separate commutes. It gives us something to talk and laugh about beyond hilarious baby puke incidents and gives us a recommendation for a terrible movie we can watch together on date nights at home. You guys have been a hilarious and unifying part of our first

year of marriage. He is the love of my life, and I know he would be so thrilled if you could help me wish him a happy anniversary by reading this on the podcast and tell him how much I appreciate that he makes that 6.30 a.m. commute six days. Thanks so much, guys. Keep on topping that, Christy. Well, Christy and Phil, happy anniversary. That's a man right there. That's a goddamn family man. That's, yeah, it's an American hero. 6.30 in the morning, by the way. That's me, one trip to suicide town. I couldn't do that. That's nice.

No, I'm saying he's a great dude for doing this. He can do it. He's doing it. For us, it would feel like falling down an elevator shaft, which makes it even greater that he does this and supports his family like this. And happy wedding anniversary. Totally. So there you go.

See, the monsters played nice for a letter. Larry, let's get them making fun of stuff. Can we start talking about dicks again? What's going to happen? This next one. has a dick in it. Yay! Oh, perfect.

Happy anniversary to us. Subject line. Apocalypse not. Oh, no. Shit, sign. Hey, guys, I'm a huge fan of the show listening to the podcast while I pretend that I'm actually

being productive member of society really brightens up my day. Let me tell you a story of a really shitty night at the movies. Oh, man. Five years ago, a local theater was doing a special screening of Apocalypse now, and I decided I want

to go because hey it's apocalypse now sure i got three hours fuck it was it redux we're spending 58 minutes with that french family for no fucking reason he does not say if it's redux and if it was oh bad move yeah fuck it nope we don't know we don't need anymore pencils down you made a classic exactly i don't know why anyone can't figure that the fuck out remember that shit when they were like let's take the godfather and re-ed it all together into a weird new right oh that like the godfather saga that they put on tv kiss my ass oh man godfather not it was the middle of the week and the screening was really late at night so ended up going alone i also had a big glass of water beforehand because i'm full of good ideas

it's almost a weird movie to do that too maybe i would not want to be stoned through the last 30 minutes of that movie no the thing is it's so long it'll wear off you'd have to bring them into the theater I mean it's actually good because you're coming down right while all the bad shit's happening yeah right when Dennis Hopper starts freaking the fuck out when I got there the disaster began

the theater was ridiculously packed and a dude who worked there was waving a piece of paper in the air shouting no more seats available for apocalypse now I was disappointed but decided to stay and watch something else the only other movie that still had seats left was this little

gem called Hereafter, directed by Clint Eastwood. That movie is a pile of dog poop, put in a microwave, and left on the de-frost mode for 58 minutes. Matt Damon, fake, psychic, there's a tsunami kiss my ass. I never saw it still. No, I never will. It stinks. I was buying my ticket to not Apocalypse now when someone's...

By the way, buy in advance. Clearly. Fandango is right there. I don't think I've not... I've gone to a movie theater with the chance of being sold out in a really long time. Yeah, because it's just... You know, if you're going, like, if it's a special thing, or if you're going opening weekend... Sure.

Yeah, but, you know, if you're going Tuesday morning or whatever... You pop in? Yeah. Yeah, I tried to see inside Lewin Davis, and I bought what I thought were tickets to Union Square. It was Lincoln Square. And here I am on 14th Street at 7 o'clock for the 7.30 show and cracking my knuckles. Like, I'm going to get a good seat. Well, at least you haven't...

Well, like I've done. I've reserved tickets for like Thursday night. And I go there on Friday. I'm like, what do you mean? Oh, man. By the way, for people who couldn't place those theaters, Steve was about like 60 or so blocks south of where he needed to be. It's pointless at that point.

No, yeah, you lose. I lost. Yeah, it's like you can go see this movie after completing an escape from New York adventure. So I turn around and there was actually this. someone taps him on the shoulder. I turn around in, it was this really weird dude who worked at my high school library.

Yep. I didn't remember his name, but he very enthusiastically reminded me of it. I remember you so well, he said. Uh-huh, I replied and was strictly hoping

that he wasn't going to watch the cinematic masterpiece hereafter. After he bought his ticket to hereafter, because of course he did, we went to the screening room and told him, and told him, hey, nice to see you again, enjoy the movie.

To that, which he replied, wait, you aren't going to sit next to me. This dude is a movie theater seat criminal. No way. If you're bumping into strangers at the movies, get out of my fucking face. Nice to see you. We're sitting on opposite sides of the theater.

My skin was crawling. I just quietly mumble, all right, and sit next to him. Oh, man. So the movie. Hereafter is garbage. It's sappy, badly written. And blah, blah, blah. He does not like the movie.

No one did. Anyway, we're watching the movie. And my quote unquote friend keeps loudly reacting to everything that happens. My God, that's so beautiful. And, yeah, that's real. Yeah, he's a psychic. That's real. Among other stupid exclamations.

Despite apparently being in love with the film, At one point, he left the room and came back with a hot dog covered and smelly melded cheese. You know, and here's the thing, gentle writer. If this dude gets up... You got to move. You got to move. It's your own fault. What happens next?

Whatever happens, on fault. This might be a walkout theater situation. Honestly. You hate the movie already. You don't like the movie. Get out of there. Totally. Go home.

Drink water. Drink a lot of water. And then watch something better on TV. Then you're fucking getting coffee with this asshole. Afterwards, that's how that twists around. Yeah, he's going to want to talk about it. Oh, no, I mean, maybe even a bar. He might want to go to the bar with you, and then you're really in trouble.

We get to the part where the little kid is about to be blown up during the 2005 London subway bombings. Oh, I forgot that that happens too. But it's saved by the ghost of his brother, knocks the cap out of the kid's head and moves it around. You know, this movie plot I'm not too sure of. Sure. You're jogging all this, like, horse shit back to me right now. At this point, my friend started to sob in which seconds turned into full-blown crying. He pressed his face against my shoulder.

Oh, my God. And I could feel his tears making the sleeve of my shirt moist. Punch him in the face. This, by the way, this is a guy that worked at the school library. This is like, this is a creep. This is like a, this is like a beyondo creep right now. Says Eric, who worked at our college library for several years. Well, I thought maybe this was an older gentleman, but you know what?

Again, creeps work at libraries. Takes one to no one. Creeps also come in all sorts of ages. It's true. It's true. The movie finally ended, at which point I immediately got up and left without saying a word to him. As I was leaving, I could hear him calling out my name. Oh, God.

Lucas! Lucas! You're not going to kiss me goodbye. When I got home, I noticed the spot in my shirt where he pressed his face was Arsha. Oh, God, I'm breaking down because this is horrific because I just ran ahead, guys. He noticed that the part of his shirt that he had cried on. Yes. Also had crusty cheese on it.

Oh, man. Cheese come. Fuck. The horror, the horror. Keep on being great, Lucas. Well, Lucas, thank you for that email. That was disgusting. Yeah, there is a rule.

and it's happened to me once where you know what you bump into somebody yeah man hey look I'm doing my thing you're doing your thing you know what the most we can do is oh I do the quick catch up outside the movie see you later I'm gonna sit here you're gonna sit six rows somewhere else yep on the way out like oh what you think maybe maybe that's what you get that that's fine sure yeah I'll see you later we'll catch up sometime yep and we won't and you know yeah and that's a bold face lying you know it and they know it and that's the way it needs to be because that's how This society works. Also lump in with that nonsense, the people where you're seated in the theater and it's a totally empty theater and some piece of shit comes up and sits like one over from you or like directly in front of you, you have this massive theater.

Oh, stop it. When that happens, I actually get up and move. Yeah. Oh, I've done it. You get up and move. And you got a harumph as you do it. It's obnoxious. Followed with like a quiet but not too quiet seriously as you walk away.

See, you guys went to all this effort. I just called them by the wrong name and they get the fact that I don't want to talk to them. Dude, I ran into a guy from school that I didn't want to talk to and I flat out lied to his face and told him I didn't remember him. And it was really awkward and I persevered and I kept saying I didn't remember him. And he looked really hurt, and I walked away. That was me, by the way. Here's the thing. You texted me later.

In movies, when they're empty, let's invent a term. It's an invisible donut. The invisible donut around me, it's two seats all the way around. You got it. That's it. Top, bottom, left, and right. Yep. That's it.

Two rows. But you just have to respect my invisible donut. obviously if it's a somewhat packed movie theater the invisible donut gets broken and that's fine I mean then you got to do what you got to do but if you're in a massive like 300 seat auditorium and there's four people in there don't you also want to spread out

don't you want your own donut everyone deserves it I know I want my donut it had to be named after a fat guy food of course it did we're going to the movies it's the pizza it's the invisible pizza it's the shape Chris Because you can be in the middle of the donut

There's a hole where you can Of course it makes sense It's either that or a life raft Or a cheerio A life preserver No one wants to say Cheerio Oh a lifesaver Yeah that's a no it's a donut

Shut up Chris it's a donut The Invisible Donut And you know why? Because people are like Well I don't always like to shit in the middle Well I'm sorry you came in late Exactly right That's what it comes down to

You fucked up Don't ruin it for me because you fucked up. Here's another one. Celebrity Encounter at the movies. Uh-oh. Dear We Hate Movies. That's us. I love your podcast.

I'm inspired by Andrew's awesome Gene Schallet story to relate The Tale of My Own meeting with a celebrity in a movie theater. I was working for a small town newspaper in North Carolina several years ago and our local theater set a premiere party and a meet and greet for an independent film starring noted character actor Pat Hengel. Guaranteed it was terrible. In parentheses, RIP, who had semi-retired nearby. Anyway, he and his staff arranged to meet with Pat Hingle

after taking the stage for a small movie he was in with Betsy Palmer, also RIP, about problems in nursing homes called Walsing Anna, which I don't remember. It sounds like a real fun time at the movies. A bunch of people that were about to die were in a movie about a nursing home. What a good time. I was invited to interview Mr. Hingle before the public showed up. I didn't have time for a full geek out interview

even though I grew up watching him as one of the best that guys from classic movies to every detective show from the 70s and 80s to his most recent famous role as Commissioner Gordon in the Batman movies. You heard of my voice tightened up there for a second? But we had a great conversation about his life in his career and he got a nice story out of it.

A crowd began to form toward the end of our talk and conversations were scattered here and there. A colleague who came to the event with me had heard Pat say something about living on the beach. Why, just calling him Pat, huh? Pretty presumptuous.

Living on the beach, it chimed in, oh, do you live in a condo? To which Pat promptly bellowed, I live in a damn house. When he passed away a couple of years later, I couldn't help but remember that great interview and even better response to a stranger asking a weird left field question.

Thanks for your terrific show, Sarah from NC. Well, I live with a damn house, Batman. What's a matter, Commissioner? It wouldn't have taken you that long to get here from your condo. Do you think he just, like, got him mixed up with Chris Farley's band down by the river? He was trying to make a Matt Foley joke? Maybe. But I guarantee you, Pat Hingle never saw a second Saturday.

He was just mad for a second because he thought someone was like, thought he didn't do well in his financial life. Just because I've been bolting and it doesn't mean I can't have a house, Batman. If you must know, Batman, it's a pediatric. On a commissioner's salary? That story reminded me of, Eric, do you remember the time you and I went to a screening of what turned out to be the late Roy Scheider's last film? Yes, I do.

This is embarrassing. Oh, man. This movie is about, like, Roy Shider, whose father was killed in the Holocaust. And he is, his son moves to, like, modern day Germany for work or something. And Roy Shider is like, I don't know about moving to Germany, Billy. But then he finds out that the son or something is, like, working for the ex-Nazi that, like, killed his father. So Roy Shider goes to Germany to, like, hunt this dude down. it sucks.

It's a really bad movie. I mean, maybe it turns out great, but we wouldn't know because we totally walked out. And what was it? Like his widow was in attendance? The whole thing was there was... I felt like an asshole for leaving, but it was terrible.

And we thought it was going to be awesome because on paper, Lerischmite or Nazi on Durfugher are going to be there. On paper, it's badass. And yes, the widow was in attendance. She was going to do a Q&A afterwards. That's cold shit, man. The two of us creaked out of that theater mid-moving, man.

Dude, I apologize to the widow Schneider, but there's no way I could have sat through that movie. No, my skin was crawling the entire time. We wanted to leave after 10 minutes. I just imagine her, you know, going back to her, you know, lonely house. Not a condo. Not a condo. Her two Pomeranians. Yeah, she feeds them.

And she's like, ah, it was a tough day again, Roy. You know, I thought that movie screening would. Would have perked me up, but then these two fat gentlemen laughed in the middle of it. Looks like you left your cinematic career in a whimper. It was a real tough day, Roy. I just needed those two fat boys to stay seated. And I would have had a better day. I mean, the problem also was, if I'm remembering right, we were kind of seated near her.

But it's not like we... Hey, lady, could you move a bit? I got to get out of her. here. This fucking sucks. We didn't get out like, fuck it. Hey, fuck it. This old has been sticking up the screen. Excuse me, lady.

I think I was like, they'll think we're just too fat guys going to the bathroom. Let's go. We had weighed too much diet coke. All right, Chris Cabin. Take us home. All right. Strange movie watching locations. Ooh. All right.

I was listening to you. episode on Stealth and it took me back to the worst movie watching experience I have ever had. My now ex-wife's grandfather was bedridden and as a gift to lift his spirits, we bought, pardon here. Now ex-wife, by the way. That's why this story is making it to air. Yeah, I read ahead a little bit and I'm like, oh, there's the ding. He bought him a DVD player and her uncle agreed to buy him DVDs to go, with it. When the time came to give him the gift, the uncle came up with one DVD. You fucking cheapskate. And obviously discounted copy of stealth. You ultra fucking cheapskate.

Come on. And by the way, get him a classic or something that he'd like. Always get them, Patten. Always get, if it's a person over 70, give him Patton, they will applaud. I guarantee you. You give me, Pat and I applaud him. Kelly's heroes, any of those old words. The dirty dozen for crying out loud. Get him some Hitchcock, maybe. Maybe he likes those. $3 used stealth, son of a bitch. So through a series of events best described as unlucky,

I ended up at the end of his hospital bed watching the movie with him. Oh, that's bad. Just me and him watching Josh Lucas being out-acted by a robot. With the volume way too loud because he wanted to try and drown out there. the hiss of the hip-high oxygen tank. Goo. Immediately adjacent to his bed. Oh, man.

He seemed to like the movie, but I'm not sure how lucid he was. Yeah, that's the way I felt watching stealth. He died a few weeks later. Oh, man. And I always kind of felt bad that the last movie he ever saw was fucking stealth. Cheers. Harry. Well, that's a good point, Harry.

You know what, Harry? Here's the thing, though. And I don't want to say you're responsible. But if you know that you watch that dude watch stealth and it's looking like the time is nigh, you got to go out and get something else. You can't let that be the closing number. Couldn't spare the $2 to get behind enemy lines. Just couldn't do it. Couldn't be moved to do it.

You're right. I'd rather watch that before I died than stealth. Again, Gene Hackman. That's all it takes. It could listen. Dude, the French connection. Sure. I was going to say welcome to Moose.

Port. Bullet. Bullet. Bullet. And bullet two. Ah, that's rough. Just get him something, man. Like, I don't know. That's, you got to have some empathy in your heart. Stealth. That clearly, that douchebag was at some Walmart bin and was just like, yeah, that'll do. No, that's not like a movie. That because even at the bins at Walmart and that fucking Best Buy, they have better movies than that. And this guy knows it. This was a 7-Eleven. and I got to get my slim gym. I got to get my big soda and I got to get my copy of stealth for $3.

It was vindictive shit, man. Oh, I hate this dude's guts. I'm going to make him watch stealth. Yeah. You know, not every old person that dies is a good person. Let's just get that out there. Oh, absolutely. There's sons of bitches that die every day.

Some people deserve it. I don't know. I don't know. Listen, I don't care what you did. Your last movie on earth is not going to be stuff. That's true. Some dark shit, dude. That means one of the last songs he ever heard was Gavin Rosdale's solo stuff.

Oh, man. And not only was it bad, he didn't know what it was. Because he'd literally never heard of it. Man, and like mud vein and all that stuff. Oh, I mean, the worst I can say is this old guy got some Jessica Beale in a waterfall. I bet he appreciated that. Let's end it on a high note. And you know what?

Maybe this is something we need to put in our living wills. Yes. What is the movie that you want, you know, to go out on? Oh, that's a good question. I think it would have to be the movie I watch at least once a year back to the future. That's a good movie. I want it to be my last movie. Oh, man, but you look like Doc Brown towards the end of it.

You got a fucking double tie on. I'm going to say something different. I'm going to say Jeremiah Johnson. Really? Yeah, because it's like, you know, beautiful nature shots in that thing, living off the land. I look at and be like, yep, my life's full of regret. Could have done those beautiful things with my life,

but I didn't. And then I'd pass away. I'd succumb to my injuries. Drabbin? Duck soup. That's good. That's respectable. That's actually really good. It's a swift 67 minutes and you can kick the bucket. Right to the grave.

Just give me my last kick of morphine and send me on. Oh, that's a good move, man. It's like the barbarian invasions, all these people around you. Oh, man, that is a devastating film. That's not my last movie. Mine would be defending your life. Oh. You're already planning ahead.

Yeah, it's like a cutsy death movie. Get some notes in. Yeah, exactly. How am I going to defend this fucking life? It's only so he can game the system in the afterlife. Can I conclude with this multiplex story, or is it going to bring the room down. That's what...

Conclude. Did someone die in the theater? Oh, yeah. Oh, geez. In the theater, Chris and I worked at before we got there, a dude died watching X-Files fight the future. And this guy who was like our manager, he was like... How old was this guy?

An old gentleman. And this dude who was our manager, like, at the time was an usher. And he went in, like, turn the lights on, like, get out of here, pal, movies over with. Dude was dead. Oh, man, that's like the most dark. ending gag ever Jay Sherman slumped over

covered in his own mess executive producer Bradbird pushing pushing you know honestly though like that's good he doesn't even know what dog it is he has no idea who dog it is who Reyes is that's true

it ended where the X-Files should have ended although I'm excited for this miniseries but when they were originally going to end the show with that movie yep all right that was the first movie title. What was the second one called? Oh, fucking bullshit. I thought you were talking about that.

I want to believe is the second one. Yeah, X-Files, I want to believe. Fight the future is the first one. You know what? That's not that bad of a movie to die during. No, I actually like that movie. Yeah, I like it. It's pretty good. You got some good Martin Lando in that movie

blowing up in a car. That ain't half bad. Certainly better than the Billy Connelly in the second one. Child molester slash alien ooze man. Oh, man. That's a big wet part of a film. It's all that in theaters, I did. Stay tuned. It's a possible stay tuned.

Maybe when the miniseries is coming out. A little look at that. A little exception for the big event. Yeah, totally. Well, that's WHM Mailbag for this month, gang. If you want your weird stories, sad stories, nice anniversary tributes, or wacky movie theater experiences

read on the air right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.