We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: John Lithgow, Jorts & JCVD

Episode Date: October 17, 2014

In this month's WHM Mail Bag, the gang chats about awkward encounters with angry dads, day jobs for retired Transformers, and their own personal werewolf preferences. If you'd like to hear your weird stories and questions for the gang read on the air, write in to the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's the title of one good scare. Sometimes, that is better. Zombies are in the entrance the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Land. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. You've seen one too many movies.

Now, sit, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative. Put the fucking loo in the bag. It's an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello, everyone. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag for this Shocktober. This is an episode of the mailbag that's dropping right in the middle of our Halloween spooktacular.

Got a couple of emails here that we're going to read. My name's Andrew. I'm alongside Eric and Steve. Hello, fellows. Hi. There's nothing spookier than an email. That's true because you don't know what it's going to say, right? It's like, here's an email and it's like, you know, hey guys, right?

It's like a subject line you get a lot. It's like, hey guys. And then it could be like, you know how fucking terrible your show is? And you're like, ah. That was a spooky email. Or it could start off a cyber thriller. My life could permanently change from an email. It's like finding that key and then you're in the game all of a sudden.

Yeah. Or you like, you open. It says just John. Hi. Or John, a personal message for you. You click it. It's like, hi, I'm John from Sally Mae. You go, ah.

John from Sally Mae. I want to kick that guy in the balls. So we got some emails here that we would like to read for you. We get a lot of emails. So this is hard to pare down. So, you know, if we're not reading your email, you know, no offense. There's just a lot of emails. Send a sexy picture next time.

No. Don't, do not, John, from Sally Mae, we will not fall for that shit. Hey, maybe you'll pay your loan this time. No, I won't. Delete. All right. Who wants to go first? Steve.

Oh, wow. Put you on the spot. My phone locked and everything. Oh, Jesus. Here it goes. Chuck from Toronto. Hey, guys. first of all I want to tell you how much I love the show

and he goes on like that and it's really nice and makes me embarrassed to read it so I won't. On your secret window episode, you mentioned having a story about the staggeringly dull Johnny Depp film The Tourist, but never got around to sharing it. If you end up doing another mailbag episode, I'd love to hear you share it on there. So then this is exactly your dream come true.

If we wind up doing another mailbag episode, by the way. Thanks to queue up the good work, Chuck from Toronto, which is very nice one. So, about whatever the hell the tourists came out, was it two years ago? A little longer than that, I think. Maybe three. We wound up, me, Andrew, and two guests on the show, Justin, J. Case, and Sean Winer, went out to Massachusetts, had nothing to do. We're there for some comedy business, and it was just one of those, like, got nothing to do during the day.

There was a snowstorm going on. Like, we were just in a mall with literally nothing to do. So it's like, let's go to the movies, obviously. What else are you going to do? drive in a dangerous snowstorm to go to the movies. So we wind up at, there's two movies playing that are the only two movies that were worth anything were True Grit and the Tourist. And the Coen Brothers True Grit, the new one.

Yes. It'd be weird if John Wayne was playing. Well, it could have been like a, you know, a theater that does a repertory, you know. That's true. John Wayne's the tourist. Oh, that'd be great. Here comes the twist ending, Pilgrim. Everybody hold on to their hats.

You don't like Americans. Don't tourism anywhere else. I'll piss on you. God, he was notorious for that. A notorious pisser? No, I'm just imagining. Oh, yeah, he probably pissed on a couple of people. I told you to get out of the way.

Uh-oh, I'm behind some Chinese people at a movie line. Better piss on him. I mean, that's probably never happened. That's better than an autograph. So, I mean, it's really not a story, but really, I had seen True Grit before. And, you know, maybe within the last couple of weeks. Because, I mean, both of them had been, I think the tourists just came out. True Grit was on, like, its second dying horse leg, you know.

And I think, Andrew, you'd seen it, too. I had not seen True Grit. Oh, that's, Sean and I had seen True Grit. Correct. And, you know, there's that time when you're like, you know, and it's always weird with that happens when you're in a group and derision arises. Well, because we did

we made the crucial mistake of let's just go to the movie. See what's going on? You got to plan ahead, right? I mean, that was our fault from the beginning. That's only happened to like four times when you're that asshole like, what's playing? Let me just look at this marquee and figure it out. You just

want to start snapping necks with Gerard Butler. Like, it's the fucking worst. Just got to know what you want. Yeah, so I mean, honestly, Sean and I saw and her just didn't and we were like you know what let's have a new experience let's really and it was just it was an afternoon there was one other person who i believe left that theater in the middle of it it turned into a hate watch pretty quickly so that was fun but it's really one of the worst movies i've ever seen to quote you uh still haven't still happy

i've never seen that movie uh but i saw true grit and jj and i came out whistling a jaunty tune. It's a great movie. And the two of you look like you've been punched in the stomach for two hours. So there you go, Chuck. That's promises kept. All right. Let's see. I got one here from Brian who

writes in. He says, Hey guys, I started listening to your show recently and I am using your back catalog to keep me smiling at work. You always got to have a smile on your face in the workplace, right? Not me. Unless you work at a morgue. Some other place that deals

and death. The hospital, probably don't have to smile there too often. Crematorium. Oh, crematorium, definitely. Nobody's going to call you out for not smiling there. Unless someone brings marshmallows. Then you're all smiles. Unless you're burning that rotten creep

John Wayne. I'm still alive, Pilgrim. I survived that kill and I did. He's like Jason Roye's. I'm going to piss on you. I'll piss on that mass murder and undead moron.

Anyway, back to Brian's email. I have one question. What is this station you reference? It sounds like a character that looks like a troll and has magic powers. Thanks for making a great show. Brian, well, Brian, station, of course. Well, he figured it out pretty much. I mean, he did figure it out.

It's the disgusting creature that somehow helps them save the world. and Bill and Ted's bogus journey. Yeah, like, when they go to... I just actually rewatch this movie. Oh, nice. I've been meaning to do so. It's a stay tuned, anyway. Perfect.

They go to heaven because, you know, they're such good guys. Because they don't smoke or drink or do anything, which is weird. You would think they'd be constantly fucked up throughout those movies. I mean, aren't they supposed... Isn't it supposed to be like a stoned

without smoking situation? Yes. So, I mean, they... Yeah, it's just off-screen kind of a thing. They're just getting real high. Yeah, it's like Keanu Reeves keeps getting up to go to the bathroom. so they get killed by robot clones they go to heaven and it's like and it's weird because it's not really defined but i think they're either an alien or a troll from the center of the earth and it's like oh this is the smartest being like they're like we need the smartest being in the universe to get us through what we need to have what needs to happen and to again beat two robots that look like Alex winter and keanu reeves and they find these creatures in heaven yes they're

find them in heaven. Aren't they, they're gifted to them, like, by God? Like, am I remembering, right? There's a scene where they meet God and it's like a little, like, glowing orb. Yeah. Is it voiced by someone? No, they, I don't believe God gets into the act. Like, they just kind of, they just do...

In heaven. Yeah, they just do a bit. They do a bit for God and then, like, something happens, and then, like, I think maybe it's one of those like, oh, he just said something or other. Oh, okay. God goes to do some coke in the bathroom. They bump into these trolls. But what's interesting about this is station

which are these two trolls once they merge and become a bigger troll? Yeah, is that what happened? I haven't seen this movie in like 15 years. They are station, but then they become station. That's right. A Frank Welker voiced, so I was of course. That's another

$47,000 that guy made for making blubbering animal noises. You want to know who's got shit figured out. It's fucking Frank Welker. Yeah, that's who. He's condesol. But what was interesting about Station in Heaven, and we'll get to this on the actual episode, but I want to know how these guys died to get there. Oh, how Station died? Yeah.

Oh, it was definitely autoerotic exfixie station. Oh, but both of them were doing it at the same time watching each other? Oh, yeah. It was the same necktie, like a double-ended dildo. Oh, wow. It was that or John Wayne sucker punched them. I'm going to get you right in the big nose troll. or maybe their mother put them in the back of a station wagon

and drove that into a lake and that's why it's station oh no yeah they were like Barry and Larry troll and then they got put in the back of a wagon here and it's just like as they drown in a lake I like that it could be what happened we don't know we'll never know but then they

fuck each other and turn into a very large man who builds other robots It's really fucking gross. He's like a robotics expert. Yeah. Even though he's a magical troll. Even though if you did listen to this show, you would think that that was the most important scene in cinema history. And by the way, so when we say Station, it's the two of them, Bill and Ted, when they see Station, just goes, Station!

And so that's what we're referencing. That's stupid fucking movie. So there you go, Brian. that answered all your questions and more. Eric, I believe you have an email. Oh. So this one is titled My Tom Barringer Dad's Story. Ooh.

Hi, guys. You're a bit about having a Tom Barringer crazy father got me to thinking about my own experiences with my friends crazy slash angry father. Everybody's got one. Back in high school, I was spending the night over at my buddy's house. That's what he usually strikes. We were nerds, so we were going to be a fun evening of role-playing games and all the mountain do you could drink. Let me tell you, that's why dad was upset.

God damn it. You were tossing that pig skin out back. I wouldn't have any fucking problem with it. Fucking 12-sided die my ass. For reasons I can't really remember, I arrived really late about midnight. My friend's parents were already asleep, and he let me. in the back door. We were up until about 4 a.m.

in his kitchen, talking as quietly as possible. I guess the sound of the polyhydral dice. Polyurethane? I think it's one of those Dungeons and Dragons dice. It's the 12-sided die. I don't know what the material it's made out of. Station! It's made out of station.

So the dice woke up the father, I guess, who came downstairs and gave a firm. What are you doing up? I guess that's not even my time. That's not a Tom Barronger. I forget how to access it. It's almost kind of a John Wayne. A little bit of a goddine.

I was in Vietnam. I had a stroke of Vietnam. What are you doing up? I thought Rob wasn't coming over. Get to bed now. So we went to, so he went to sleep. The next thing I knew, my friend's father was waking us up at about 7.30 in the morning. He came downstairs again and sternly said,

time to get up, guys. Rob's got to go home. Oh, no. That's tough. Wow. Ooh. The in the third person you've got to go home, that's always rough. Yep.

Because it makes you into some weird play thing object. It's like, oh, you know, Steve's got to go home. I'm right. Oh, you put that. away for the day. You throw Steve out the back door where you found him. So we got

so he got ready and headed up to the kitchen. My buddy got some cereal and as we sat there eating, his father came back downstairs and said, I didn't say you could eat breakfast. Oh, no way. I said Rob has to go. Wow.

So I left my half-eaten bowl of raisin brand and peddled my bike home. My buddy and I had a good laugh about it later. I was going to say, did you ever see him again? But it was pretty terrifying at the time. I didn't say you could. Remains our favorite reference to this day. And then he says how he likes our program.

And he's glad we're back on the air. And so am I. And this was from Rob. So thank you, Rob. God, that's terrifying. You know, I mean, I'm sure your buddy's laughing about it, but your buddy's got a lot more stories that he's letting you know about. Well, that's, I mean, that's why I said, like, everybody has one, right? So, like, we had, like, we had grade school get canceled one day because of a snowstorm.

Like, in upstate New York, when it starts really coming down, like, they don't fuck around. Like, they'll send you home or whatever. And at the time, I lived, like, walking distance from the grade school. So we walked to school every day. so I just went over to my friend's house he was like oh half day school that's cool go over we fucking opened the front door and his dad like the way the house was set up

was like when you open the front door you could look right towards the back of the house into the kitchen and they had a table and so we opened the door and this dude's dad is sitting at the kitchen this is like it's no later than 1.30 in the afternoon I'm loving the story already He's sitting there with an empty tumbler and a bottle of Jack Daniels just on the table.

And he slowly turns to the door and just goes, what are you doing here? And I was like, I'm going to go play in my own yard. I'm like backed out of the house. I mean, but that's a good day of drinking though, man. You know, it's like a kids are at school coming down outside. Weekday afternoon. You just got some silence. Like now I look at it as a 30-year-old man.

like that's fucking great but at the time you know you're like nine years old i was like oh my god what's the uh shirt situation bully clothes okay that's good yeah yeah what's the uh pants situation everything was still on thank god i mean it was houseware it was like sweats and a ratty you know white v neck you wake god be like oh you know man i'm gonna get not only am i going to get drunk today but i'm gonna do a total donald duck no pants all day shirt though for sure oh shirt though because I can't even be bothered to look at myself. What? I could never Donald Duckett.

You don't hang around the house with your pants off? No, well, I'm saying I'm not wearing a shirt. You're going all the way. You can't go halfway? I just realized I stepped into a doozy here. I don't want to give too much away about my personal life. Eric is a never nude. Just like Tobias Foon King.

They usually have jorts on. Showering in jorts. jorts and a jort shirt as well which is just another pair of jorts that I put my through the armhole and then there's a I guess I cut a butt hole through to put my head out you truly are never knew

that's right Steve do you have another one or am I going again you think you're going again I don't have it up okay so Adam writes in he says hi guys from Australia

I just discovered your page and it's hilarious I really enjoyed your Jaws 3 and 4 episodes. I'm just beginning, listening to Friday the 13th and new beginning, great stuff. Have you ever thought of doing one on Friday the 13th Part 8 or Jason X? Adam. So I just wanted to read this

because it's hilarious because we're recording our episode on technically Friday the 13th part 9, which is Jason goes to hell the final Friday. But I wanted to mention that in preparation for, for Jason goes to hell, which I was pretty certain

is the worst Friday of the 13th movie. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to rewatch Jason X. Just to be sure. Just to be sure. I know there's some other bad ones, but just to be sure. I'm going to rewatch that Jason X. Let me tell you. Jason Goes to Hell the Final Friday is the

single worst Friday the 13th movie. The absolute worst. Hands down. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I would agree with you there. I I just hate it so much. Well, because you know what Jason X is?

It's stupid fan fiction. It's like, oh, man, what would happen if Jason went to outer space? Yeah. Which is funny. It's stupid, but it's fine. Like, at least it's a thing. And it doesn't try to be, like, part of the mythology. The mythology in any way.

Like, it's clearly detached from that. And the same thing with Freddie versus Jason, honestly. Well, I mean, it's kind of your sequel, territory of who gives the shit at this point? You know what I mean? Like, you know, why not? He's going to fucking space. You're going to give me shit about this? I'm just trying to make a movie here, all right? And besides, you got like David

Kronenberg in there, playing a scientist? That's kind of cool. Kronenberg liked it. Kroenberg was like, I get it. Yeah, I can do this, you know? Yeah. So with regard to eight. Oh, yeah, go ahead. I see those could be, you know, maybe down the line when we're

treading water, we might, those might be episodes, I don't know, a few years down the road. Well, I would say, don't play. don't play our cards Jason Xx I'm like oh man

those guys got nothing left I remember when they said this once they do this one they're running on fumes That's right It's like that prophetic

Simpson song What the When they You know When they do the Spinoff thing It's like You'll never stop

The Simpsons And it goes on and on And he sings about Like all the shit That's terrible It just shows it last too long Oh yeah You're very right

What I would say about Jason takes Manhattan though is that it's not really an episode because it's a really boring movie. It's super it's like ultra 80s to the point where like you can see the progression of the 80s in this in these movies and like that's the movie where everybody's

doing cocaine. It's like the party movie of the series. That might be good for like a commentary because we could talk about the beautiful sites of Vancouver. He doesn't actually go to Manhattan in that movie? There's like a Times Square bit but like the start of the movie

like him going to Manhattan on the boat it's like there's these gigantic mountains and I'm like this is not New Jersey. Yeah yeah exactly it's like the most gorgeous mountain range and it's like it's Canada it's like West Canada

and they never really truly explain how you're getting a big cruise ship out of a lake and onto the ocean what what connecting body of water yeah there's nothing there that really, you know.

Optimus Prime just picks it up and walks it over to the river. Have a good day, cruise ship. This is my job now. I take it very seriously. I make sure that murderers get where they need to go. We made peace with the Decepticon, so I got a job hauling ships.

It's a living. So, to answer your question, Adam, who knows? Maybe we will. But I like your idea of some Friday the 13th commentaries. I'm into that idea. That would be pretty great. It'd be a raucous good time. So there you go.

Were you pulling up another one? Yeah, just pulled up another one. It's the werewolf one, which I think is appropriate. Yes. For All Hallows Eve, which is Lisa has this to say. Should werewolves be portrayed as half man, half wolf, or should the person turn into a wolf? What do you think is the best portrayal of a werewolf? Right.

So Lisa is asking, you know, Wolfman versus like the Twilight. movies where they just turn into a wolf. Yeah. I think you should do a half-seas. Top half human, bottom half wolf. Like a centaur? I don't know. How is that thing going to stand up? Well, no,

no. Like, you walk around on your hands. But you have wolf legs and like a wolf tail and like a wolf junk. Right. But the most I mean, the wolf junk is very important. I'm not saying it's a good idea. Well, I would just be concerned if

that was the kind of werewolf, right? Or maybe the other way around. Well, because, yeah, because a were... Just a human butt hanging out? Oh, yeah, dude. Just a little, like, just flabby ass, right? Yeah. Well, because the whole, like,

scary part of a werewolf is, like, your front claws in the mouth. You don't have a fucking wolf head. There's nothing doing. Or, like, a sword of wolfhead. I think you gotta go... What if your back becomes a wolfhead? That's...

So you had a human head? That's kind of teen-wolf-ish. You got a human head. Right. And then... on the back of your body's got a wolfhead. So then if you went down on all fours, then you'd look like a wolf,

but then you said I'm just a regular dude. But yeah, but you got... Yeah, I got you. That way you got two mouths so you could bite your way out of any situation. Oh, I see. It's like James Earl Jones in that second Exorcist movie.

It's got that big lion hat on. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you're thinking of coming to America. I think, you know, I do think that... I think you need to look vaguely well you gotta go halfway and I mean I think you're mixing all parts Eric we're not just

picking and choosing it's a good blend it's not a noticeable like that part's the dude and that parts the wolf I think you know but there has to be I think you need a snout first and foremost definitely need some kind of a snout

you don't have lips you know where you're talking Teen Wolf always bugged me like he's not a werewolf he's just like a dude he's a fucking national inquirer story. Yeah, he looks more like a bigfoot for sure, you know? Yeah, he does look more like a Sasquatch. You need, like, wolf ears, wolf mouth,

and, you know, just kind of halfway. I think, and my favorite werewolf movies, American werewolf in London. I think that's, I mean, that is like the standard by which all werewolves should look. Because I I've only seen two of those Twilight movies. Yeah. And I hate that they just turn into wolves. They're just like big wolves,

like bigger than your average wolf, but like gives a shit. I like it when they turn back into twinks. Yeah? Do your favorite part of those movies? Yeah, it's all right. Whatever happened to Taylor Lautner? I don't know, not much.

He did that, uh, he did a solo movie where he was like trying to be the tough guy. Oh, it was like, uh, it was like, yeah, it was like abducted, I think. It was taken with Taylor Lautner. Yeah, you're totally right. Oh, geez, come on. See you later, Taylor Lautner. Yeah, so that's the end of him. He was, last thing I saw him was that grownups picture.

Oh, right. he's in grownups too grownups too yeah that's right yeah you're totally right yeah he's doing that and I saw movies with both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson at New York Film Festival this year

so Taylor Lautner Eric you got one more yeah they'll try to keep this brief it's very dirty it's from Andrew not jupping it's called notes on time cop

howdy please read this as soon as sandwichally possible Well, we got to it when we could. Yeah. I had a sandwich today. It was pretty good. I saw a Time Cop for the first time in theaters with my mom. She was a big fan of what we call kick butt movies.

Her favorite was Arnold. Oh, just like me. But she still had room in her heart for the likes of Steven Seagall and of course, J.C.V.D. Just like Eric. She did his mom, man. Shit, I got to, Andrew. Right in. Again.

This is the first movie I remember having that awkward thing happened where suddenly and unexpectedly, I'm watching J.C.V.D.'s flexing ass thrusting into a young Mia Sarah's. And then he uses a different word that I'm not going to say. While sitting right next to my mom, these situations would cause a moral quandary of, of monumental proportions. I think he's blowing it out of proportion a little bit, actually. I had to mentally detach my mother's presence while placing

Mia Sarah's nude sexed-up bod into my ever so important spank bank. No, that's a separation you can't make successfully. No, it's not okay. You got to detach. That's one less movie you can

use as a resource now. you think it's tainted forever then of course it is but he said that he had to mentally detach my mother's presence so no he probably tried his best I'm just saying it creep it in there yeah well he does go on to say that he's sexually confused to this day but I guess because of this experience well like he gets aroused when time cops on or what does it or what is yeah it's more Ron Silver than I was gonna say I see Bruce McGill in that movie. Look out. There was, I mean, because my family was this way, too, where, like, we weren't so

stringent on the R. You know what I mean? Like, if it looked like an okay movie, let's just go, fuck it. I saw my cousin Vinnie in theaters. Like, it's fine. You know, it's fine. Like, they weren't, they weren't real... Did that go right to your spank thing? It did. But you're Italian anyway. You heard all that stuff a thousand times at that point. Exactly. Whenever a, a brassy woman stomps on a deck floor, I get around. I was stuck with a biological clock. And then I also think of my mother.

Like you would. Yeah. And well, he goes on to say that, thanks for unintentionally bringing up that very strange memory. See, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. If us just talking about that movie brought it back up, him thinking about it all by himself,

like, you can't separate. You got to leave that movie out of the repertoire. Like, you can't, it's over with. And you know what? I'm sure there's other, R-rated action movies from the 90s that have that exact same scene because 90s action movies loved doing that.

Nothing. Nothing. Fucking. Nothing. Nothing. With Mia Sarah. If that's the case of you have... Or J.CVD. I mean... Well, J.C.V.D. also, you know. Well, has he done any more nudity?

He's had to have, right? I mean, he's flashed those cheeks a few times. I mean, I think we need to get, like, a cheat collection going on here. Like, figure out which one. that... Dude, it's the start of your new show. Cheek to cheek with Eric Siska.

You just start talking about men's buns and movies. Speaking of men's buns. Oh, this one's from real life. I'm going to quickly say... I met the bus station the other day. It's okay. Me and my wife.

Sure. Saw a play with John Lithgow. And I saw John Lithgow's naked buns in this play. How, what are we talking? it's not bad it's fuller than mine it was pretty nice

a little tot you're saying yeah I think John Lithgow's in better shape than I have man the sad fact is he is a good 30 years older than anyone that has been on this show period yes

Ed is it better shape than anyone who's been on this show period we're recording this on a Thursday I just told you guys before we went on the air I literally saw him in person on Monday on an escalator. He looked great. He looked great. And I looked like shit. It was like, if you were to stop both of us and be like, what are you doing?

He would be like, I'm going to work on the Broadway show. I'm in. And I'd be like, I'm going to a parking garage so I can get my car and go to work. I left some Cheetos in the parking garage. I think they're still good. That attendant better not have eaten him out of my coin tray. They were the puffy kinds of Cheetos, but they've probably now matured into the crunchy. So, it's still good.

I'm having a spring salad. Goodbye, Andrew. Oh, hey, speaking of male nudity, I wanted to address something because it's very obnoxious. So, I've been seeing all these, like, it's all over, like, the Huffington Post because, like, someone wrote this article, like, how to catch Ben Affleck's penis and Gone Girl. And it's like articles about it, right? Like, here's where it's cut. You know what? Just watch the movie.

Because there's a scene where Ben Affleck gets in a shower and he's naked. And that's when you see his penis. So my article for how to see Ben Affleck's penis and Gone Girl, just go see Gone Girl. Yeah. That's how you do it. Why are we writing articles about this? Think pieces. Yeah.

And relax, folks. Once it hits Blu-ray, they'll be picks. Mr. Skin's going to be all over it. Don't worry. Mrs. Skin. Or is it Ms. Skin? I don't know if she's wed to Mr. Skid. They might be brother and sister.

It's true. That's a really weird family. Happy holidays from the Skins? Ew. Oh, that's gross. If you want to be featured on WHM Mailbag right into us, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Seda. Eric Siskin. Take it easy. Thank you.