We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Mail Bag: Pay Channel Porn, Private Ryan and a Perverted History Teacher

Episode Date: February 20, 2015

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the gang reads letters from fans who flipped the "What Are YOU Watching?" trope on its head, got sent to the library basement with a Russian war films on VHS and who once had a history teacher conduct a very inappropriate "contest" in class. If you want your hilarious, weird or socially awkward story read on the air, write in to the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, everyone, welcome to W.HM Mailbag for the month of February, we're going to dig in here and find some funny or amusing or weirdo letters that you've sent us. I'm Andrew Juppin alongside Eric Siska and Steve Say that. Hi. Steve, do you want to say hi? Hello. Yeah, look at that. Yeah. Bringing the energy to the mailbag. I love it. This is an extra content. This is your main episode. I'm not going to get out of bed for it.

Steve's Skypeing in from home. I'm literally on by bed. I've asked you that when we Skype you on to this show, you put a fucking shirt on or turn that camera off. Oh, well, come on. Dude, you don't have parents. on either. Hey, man. Whatever happens on Skype, am I right? Well, you know, if he's, I'm taking mine off. Fine. Good old Snapchat say that. So, we have three emails here today that we're going to read

for you. I'm trying to see. So, Eric, why don't you go first? No, no, no, no, no, Eric, we're going to save yours for last. Steve, why don't you go first? This is from Kim, uh, from as she puts it, Staten Island, tragically, New York. Oh. Oh, we're all in agreement. Hey guys, we love the podcast. I happen to have a different take on the What Are You Watching Stories? Now, for those who are unfamiliar,

if we have some new listeners, it's a trend that's been sweeping we hate movies. And the nation. And the nation, right? The idea is someone walks in on you when you're watching something that might be a little inappropriate.

You're usually a parent or, you know, a spouse or something like that. And they always ask you, what are you watching? So this woman has an alternate take on that? Yes. I came home from a late night of having a few tall glasses of water with some friends. Okay, very good. I would like that night. At about 3 a.m. I walk into my house to find my father had fallen asleep on the living room couch while watching a movie on Cinemax.

Uh-oh. I went to the kitchen, popped in a hot pocket in the microwave. After a tall glass of water or two, you're going to need a few hot pockets. So far so good. As I sit down on the other couch, I was horrified to realize that softcore porn was on and at a very high volume. Oh, man. Just as I realized this, my father had awoken to weird porn, jazz music, and moaning.

Half awake, he reached for the remote, but instead of hitting the channel button, he hit the volume button. Oh, doofous move, Dad. With the TV now blasting, my mother had come downstairs. Oh, no! After hearing the commotion. All three of us were now in the last. living room moments after a threesome was displayed on our big screen TV.

At a loss for words, I quickly ran back into the kitchen to get my food and then darted upstairs to my bedroom without saying a word to anyone. To this day, we have never spoken about this event and never will. Yeah, that's it. Until now, what's your

father's a fan of the show? Now, I want to stand up for dear old dad for a second. So it's got to take the obvious. Oh, please. Now, let me just play a little, you know, It better not involve, he pays taxes, God damn it, because you know what? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not one of those people.

Sure. You know, I'm not one of those people that's like, why, I got to pay taxes on schools? I don't have any kids. Because education's important. This fucking idiot. No, here's what I'm going to say for dear old dad, right? What she specifies in the email is that she came home, Pops was asleep on that couch. Sure.

And the porno was on, okay? Yeah, the best excuse in the world. The old man could have fallen. asleep during the third act to die hard with a vengeance, okay? And then she comes home after some tall glasses of water. Who knows how long dad's been out? Sure. He

wakes up. All of a sudden there's pornography on. Sure. The last thing he remembers Jeremy Irons is yelling at Bruce Willis. He's so disoriented. He reaches for the remote. Tries to change the channel because he knows what this looks like. Can I represent the prosecution for a second? Oh, please do.

And you know what, Kim, this is a good time to turn off this episode. Because you know what probably happened? mom went to sleep Kim's out doing God knows what as Kim does it you know Kim ain't going to be back till 530 you know and you know he's got he's got a couple of tall glasses of water it himself

and he gives him you know he's got the skinna max on he's enjoying it and you know what he tugs himself silly and falls asleep in a post jerk off coma man you got no faith in this guy dude he's so disgusted with the whole thing

he can't even get up and do anything right So now we got to resort to judge Siska On the we hate movies people's court I'm impartial I've heard And you know what goes on at Cinebacks after 10 o'clock I'm sorry, all right

I apologize sustained But now okay I'm thinking Using my judgely knowledge Of what the defense And the prosecution has stated By the way judgely

Awesome sounding word It might be a word I don't think it is But we should be you know I know law you are a judge after all so I'm thinking like the prosecution said

maybe he was a little interested like what's going on with the kids today what are the moves going on I'm not going to say he was tugging himself silly I'm saying maybe he was more dignified than that maybe he just wanted to see what's it all about okay

yeah but if we have to prove beyond a shadow of a pornoy sticky doubt that dad was aware of what he was watching there's no way to do it because she says dad was asleep yeah that's true that's true you know what I don't think we can take him to jail

but no one should be jailed for watching cinema you know what this is what Kim should have done who's hopefully turned us off because I'm talking our dad tugging it silly however but what I'm saying is the way you check in the situation which you wouldn't because you know

she was so freaked out you use the channel button. If the last channel button's another movie channel, it's probably Andrew. If it's like ESPN or like CNN, we know exactly what's going on. Especially ESPN, I will say, as the judge, because

those grunts and moans that you hear on those sports channels are the perfect cover. Oh no, I wasn't watching pornography. I was watching women's tennis. Honey, that was Tiger Woods huffing and puffing.

Not doing well on the uh the uh the uh the uh the uh the grassy links sure man you know nothing about golf i almost said court the golf court what you say course course that's it that's the word you want i can't listen now okay so i guess i guess we can't convict this individual so no you can't man you know why because it's his house and he pays taxes on it Rule in the defense. Boom.

That's fair. I'll tell you this, gang, right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. If you want us to weigh in on similar cinematic fights. Also, for those, I'm sorry, it might be uncomfortable for you in the moment, but we're going to need the title of the pornography. Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

That makes all the difference. If you don't want to ask your old man while he's doing whatever, go online. All the networks have their programming schedules up there. And you go, what was on at midnight when dad was, you know, and right in. Also, kids at home, if you find yourself in such an uncomfortable yet opportunistic situation, that's when you as the kid get to chastise the parent with what are you watching? Exactly.

Now the tables have turned, Dad. That's actually your best move in that situation is you come and you see it. You just, you don't even look at, you don't look at, and especially if he's asleep and you're thankful you're not doing that. Oh, fuck a moment. Yep. You're robbed of that. Now you have a little bit of fun. You say, what are you watching?

Oh, shit. Yep, yeah, totally. You start busting his balls about it. That's the way to go. And then mom never gets involved that it's not as awkward. I love the fact that the mother comes in in that story.

That's like the icing on the cake. All right, so I'll go next. We got a letter here from Justin. He writes in, he says, greetings. Hey. So the year was 1999, and I was a freshman in high school. One day in history class, the teacher announces that we'll be watching

saving Private Ryan next week. and all of us need permission from our parents to watch an R-rated movie. Much to my chagrin and embarrassment, my mom would not sign the permission slip. I couldn't even forge it because she called into the teacher and said I couldn't watch it.

Parentheses, yeah, for real. Dude, that's some intense shit. Your mom hates the fuck out of Tom Hanks. That's what I think that is. She was Nazi or? You might get a case of Mormon mom. I don't know. So the next week, the teacher sets me up

in the back room of the school library with a TV and a VCR all by myself. She said that I still had to watch a World War II movie so I could still participate in class discussion in the days to follow. Unless you're like what is Tom Hanks doing in that scene? What happened with Giovanni

Rabisi in this scene? Is he in that movie? Yeah, that's World War II history Andrew. He says So I picked out this 1972 Russian World War II movie On the bottom of the VHS shelf It was dubbed in English

And it had a grainy quality It's a VHS tape. The universe had seen my utter embarrassment And smiled on me. The movie was The Dawns Here Are Quiet And it has the best nude scene I've ever laid my eyes on. Halfway through the movie

These five women all took a nice long steam bath together. Victory. Needless to say, I never saw the movie past that scene and I just rewound it over and over again with nobody around. Wait a second. Talk about tugging it's silly. At school. It took three days for the class

to watch Saving Private Ryan so I had all the time in the world. Smiley emoticon, Justin. I appreciate Kim's dad right, then. Oh my God, no more people tug it

than you'd think. It's surprising. I mean, that school's basically asking for it. Keeping that movie on file, putting him in the back room in the library basement. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? For sure. I mean, that's amazing. Routy old, you know, horny high school boy, come on. And I mean, you know what? That's what you get, mom. You want to, you want to, you know, you want to shake your finger at Steven Spielberg. Exactly. All your son was supposed to do was watch a fantastic Steven Spielberg movie.

Instead, because of your weird censorship, he jerked off in the school library. So what's worse, lady? For three days. Totally. So what's worse, lady, some war violence, D-Day, or public fornication? I mean, I just don't get it. How do you even let that happen? I don't know.

What I want to know is, did he rub that in his mom's face? Like, guess what I did this? Don't use different. Oh, my God. That's not what I mean. What I meant was, was he like, oh, hey, guess when I watch this Russian movie with nudity? Ha, ha, ha, ha. There's none of that in saving Private Ryan, you idiot.

I want to apologize to our European listeners who are like, what's the problem with rubbing it out in school? You Americans love violence. We love sex and cigarettes. So I'm just, I hear you. Well, I mean, that's the thing with the MPA, man. You know, you can cut off kids' heads left and right. the second you show a tit rated R. Did you see any kind of steam bath, really?

The, uh, France says, uh, for 50 shades of gray, you have to be at least 12 years old. 12. I think that's fantastic. That's it. That's it. It's so funny. And it was not unanimous that people were fighting it because some people wanted it to be unrestricted whatsoever.

And that's, that's great. Get your permission slips for that. I just want to just imagine it's like Americans. I want my 12 year old daughter to be able to see a goddamn. a movie and it's maybe shades of gray. I'm sure the French articulated their points a lot finer. Well, I would hope so. Then some folks

over here would do. There's country everywhere on the planet. I'm sure there's some country Frenchos. I mean, they call that Provence. Yeah. Drinking their wine. I know. Just because Andrew did acknowledge there might be new listeners

listening, not all of the stories we do on the mailbagger about masturbation. It just was a real great crop this month. Yeah, this month is just just, you know, it's Valentine's Day, et cetera. Now, so in case you thought those two were weird, we're going to finish it off with something that just might make you throw up.

Eric, I'm going to throw it to you. All right, this one's called a touch late. Well, maybe touch has something to do with this. It's from John, and he says, all right, I'm going to touch late with this one. But hearing all the school-related antidotes brings to mind a particularly

weird series from my freshman year of high school. Now, like most kids, I had the occasional, fuck it, here's a movie class. Sure. It's America. That's what we do. That's education. Just fucking flip it on, man. However, I had a world history teacher really raised the stakes.

Oh, wow. Though I didn't recognize it at the time. Looking back, it's bizarrely and abundantly clear that he had a foot fetish. And he had no problem exposing it to a classroom of 14 to 15

year olds. this most clearly manifested itself in the entire week we spent learning about Chinese foot binding and related foot contest where he selected the nicest feet among the girls in the class what no that is you this teacher's up to no good oh wow now wait a second first of all you know how you should have known there was trouble an entire week long unit on Chinese foot binding a fucking weak people come on that should be if anything a minute anecdotal yes you know in China dot dot dot dot totally yeah who cares

but what do you mean by ask your parents moving on with world history and then he says seriously that sentence doesn't have a single exaggeration in it I mean what is this contest you have the prettiest

it's the Quentin Tarantino foot awards dude it's oh why that's a pretty little foot why don't you parade it around and show it to the class. Or it's also a lot of like, look at those cute toes. Why don't you put those cute little toes in this tight little pump?

Look like this piggy went to market. Dude, he got all of their shoe sizes in advance, right? Because remember, it's a fucking week-long unit on footbinding, right? He gets their shoe sizes and then he buys them all shoes that's one size too small. And you just stuff it in there, dude. And that's what this dude's doing with this fucking shoe contest. pay less man

it's fucking weird oh is there more oh there's more oh man additionally though he also would select various films which had some vague historical connotation Burton's 1964 Beckett the 1961

Barabas and the 19 it's a Barabbas barabbas yeah oh is it any good no I don't know I never saw it but it's pronounced Barabbas oh okay barabas sounds like someone's a world

history teacher in here. You know what I mean? I don't know what he's, I don't know, I don't know what this guy's up to. Do W.HM slang? You called someone a world history teacher? It means they got a weird foot fetish they display in public. And the- Come on, Urban Dictionary. And the 1999 TV movie of Cleopatra are all the ones that I can remember. And then he'd fast forward to the bits that had good shots of female stars in sandals. No way. And watch those. Come on. We watched the same scenes in Cleopatra twice he liked those feats so much. Now take a look at those pretty little

pads. Writing this all out is actually kind of disturbing. We were largely a bit too young to really put it together what the hell is happening though I doubt you could get away with any of this nowadays which is probably good.

But when he says nowadays hopefully this guy is dead. Not the teacher. The teacher, yeah, yeah. John, I hope is fine. And I'm sorry that we're laughing about this guy who is basically getting off at his students, right? Which is gross. It's disturbing.

It's terrible. It's terrible. I really hope this guy's in jail. Yeah, we're using our public form for good to bring awareness that this shouldn't happen in schools. Can I tell a funny foot to finish story? Of course. The band broke up, this band called The Duchess and the Duke.

Oh, right. A couple of good albums. And one day I was at work and I was like, Oh, you know, I want to find a cool Dutch to the Duke or maybe an interview. And it's like, oh, interview with Duchess and the Duke. And somehow it must have had, like, you can just tell that this got posted on some, like, foot fetish, like, message board or something.

And everybody, because it's a guy and a girl, and the girls are totally normally dressed, whatever, just hanging out. And she has sandals on. Uh-oh. And, like, everybody on this mess on the YouTube comments is like, oh, man. Oh, man, we got ourselves a dangler. Oh, man, she's dangling and she don't even know it.

A dangler? What is that? I think that means when your flip-flop is dangling from your foot, it's like, oh, man, that's such a dangle. Oh, man, ten points for a dangle. Oh, I'm going to dangle my dingle for that dangle. It's like, it's a video that probably should have, like, 200 views. It had like 6,000 views. Holy moly, man. And you know exactly where this came from.

Oh, man. It's like that flip-flop's about to fall off at any second, but I don't know which second. Well, anytime you use, and she don't even know it, you're being a real creep. I swear to God, the term, and she don't even know it means you're a gross dude. No matter what the circumstance, unless you're like, oh, my God, that woman is spending all this extra money, and she don't even know it. She could be using all these coupons, but she don't even know it. I could save her a lot of money on her car insurance, but she don't even know it. But it turned out she was dangling and she just don't even know it.

She don't even know about the dangling. But guaranteed she knows she's dangling. I mean, not real. She doesn't know that it's getting men off in the future. No, but she knows like, I've got a flip-flop that's kind of hanging off my foot, right? Marty! It's about your wife's feet. They're dangling and she doesn't even know it. What does she teach in world history?

Look here, Marty. The YouTube page. It's changing. She's no longer dangling. She's got a big boo-da. Oh, my God. She's got a fucking boot on, and she just don't even know it.

That's it, Marty. I'm going back to the Old West, because fuck this. If that's where we're at, In 2015. Hachimachi, man. That was some sick ticket stuff. Dude, yeah, that guy needs...

By the way, just in case you were wondering, that guy needed to go to jail, and he didn't. And that's the crime there. Yes, exactly. This guy should have not been teaching. Get fucking Benson and the Stabler on it. Also, uh, email title, A Touch Late.

Also the title of Kim's dad, Auto's biography. Wow. Does she not even know it? She don't even. Oh, man. She don't even. know it. Your dad was watching

porno intentionally and she don't even know it, man. I want to apologize to Kim here. A couple hyenas found a piece of meat. If you have weird stories like that, or just stories about the movies or, you know, our episodes made you think of whatever childhood trauma. You know,

right in, we all hate movies at gmail.com. We do this show every month, once a month. God, sometimes I wish we just, uh, we had time in our week to read them all. Right. And now it doesn't have to only be about sexual trauma like if you you hear something in one of our episodes and you're like oh that reminds me of this yeah send it in bad experiences seeing a movie we did in theaters you know sure

those are always great yeah so until what are we we're february now so until march man 2015's just chugging along yeah i mean it's it's almost march i don't even know it i'm andrewpin i'm eric dingle steveday take it easy Thank you.