We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Summer Rerun - Eight Crazy Nights

Episode Date: August 25, 2015

Original Air Date: December 11th, 2012 What the gang thought of the film: "If you're Jewish, run from this film... Run screaming!" - Chris Cabin "Why just play one role in a movie, Adam Sandler, when you can play several roles in a movie?" - Andrew Jupin "It's just a bunch of shit jokes." - Steve Sajdak Eight Crazy Nights stars Adam Sandler, Kevin Nealon, Jon Lovitz, Austin Stout, Jackie Sandler and Sweet Robbie Schneider; directed by Seth Kearsley. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Oh, so this is like a rainy summer. Every vacation has to have a rainy day. Well, that's why this is a fat kid summer, man. Everyone in this camp is having a great day. It's a rainy day. Oh, man. Cables on. I got the good sun going into Mrs. Dalfire.

That's right where you want to be. It's everything I want. Thank you, TBS. But we are introducing Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights. Oh, man. This is, it's one of the shortest movies we've ever done. Thankfully. Because it's barely a movie.

Sure. It's barely animated. It's barely voice acted. It's barely written. And it's the only animated film we've done outside of animation, damnation. I think that's correct. It's the only feature-length animated films. Oh, no, Food Fight.

Oh, food. If you want to call that. Of course. Oh, yeah. Never forget. Man, what was I watching recently? Oh, that new Garfield that's on, like one of those cartoon network like spin-off channels or whatever. It is animated like Food Fight, this Garfield show.

Oh, that really makes me depressed. It's dog shit. It's so bad. And it's like... Well, you got Bill Murray doing the voice, right? I'm kidding. Oh, no, yeah. That was just the movie, right?

It's worse than the CGI in the movie. Like, the CGI... Did you even see those two movies? I saw the first one. It's really bad. Yeah, that... I didn't go back for a tale of two kitties. Really?

That's before Breck and Meyer was banished to the writer's room of... Franklin and Bash? No. Oh, no, that's right. He's not Franklin and Bash. No, I was thinking of... Robot chicken. robot chicken.

Wait, he's the genius behind all those classic robot chicken antics? No, that's Seth Green. Breckinmeyer came in a little later. Oh, well, oh, they're both classic bits. Speaking of stuff, I can't believe, is still on the air. Do you guys know that, what is that dumb show? I mean, it's not dumb, but it was popular. It was popular like 10 years ago.

Robot chicken? No, with like, like, the little soda cup, Aquitine Hunger Force. That show's still on the air. It's ending now. It's like the final season. I was like, is this an event season? Is this event television?

I heard that and I was like, what? I was pretty sure that ended when I was in college. I so thought that this is off the year. I actually thought the movie was the ending. I thought it was, we did all the things and now we're going to do the movie. I like those first couple of seasons and I watched a ton of it. You know, and I think I would probably still laugh at it now, even though I haven't gone back in a long time. I overwatched it

Much like early family guy Which I went back to like season one and two And I just sat there stone face As these jokes just passed by And died on impact Like I feel like that's probably the same thing with this Like oh I get it

The meat thing's got a silly voice And oh there's the hairy neighbor You know I like I just don't think it would work for me I'm a huge fan of the hairy neighbor Yeah Carl's the best Yeah he's a good guy But that's what I'm saying though

I thought, like, early family guy was the best, and I went back and watched it, and it was garbage. I mean, you're talking to the guy who just recently, for the first time ever watched a thing of SpongeBob SquarePants and thought it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It was that new movie, and I was just sitting there, a couple of tall glasses of water, just giggling. It's actually kind of solid. Is that the one with Hasselhoff? No, this one has Antonio Bandias. Oh, geez. It's like a pirate.

Oh, it's crazy. Oh, really? Yeah. Does he say, these are the only real evil left? And then he, like, puts his hand, his hook on a fucking flame. Well, he has talked to a lot of seagulls. He has some, like, CGI seagulls. But anyhow.

So we are here. You are here to listen to us talk about eight crazy nights. We've been going on for, like, four minutes. So please enjoy eight crazy nights. If you're Jewish run from this film, Run screaming Yeah, what a trap It's a trap movie by the way

You think it's like oh man This is awesome Finally there's a movie A Hanukkah movie Like all those Christmas movies They get jammed down my goddamn Throat every year Me as a Jewish person

I could take my kids to this We could just fucking Say we're loud Proud and Jewish finally But no it's just a bunch of shit jokes It's shit jokes It's epilepsy jokes And like a half of

doesn't star david's like strewn about there's one mention of lacca in the beginning yeah so it's you know it's all the things that the the world stereotypically knows the jewish culture for potato pancakes and candles there's no there's no matzabal soup which is kind of that that's what that's the one they missed you're right you're right you're right no matzabal soup no one haggles over a check at a restaurant you know all the classic things that would be in an adam sandler jewish comedy well Well, this movie's plenty racist. Don't worry, Andrew. It's racist just enough for you because it's got Robbie Schneider in it.

Robbie Schneider. We'll talk about why he's called Robbie Schneider at the end of this. He's all racist, guys. How did that fall on him? I mean, that's been going on for over a decade. Because he's Filipino and that's hilarious. So, like, he could do, and since it's such a weirdo ethnicity, he could do just about anything. It's like, oh, Turkish, Albanian, Indian.

And because guaranteed not many people have seen this movie, because why the fuck would you? But you remember the trailer because the trailer is all over the place because it's an Adam Sandler movie. So the horrible racist character that the Chinese restaurant, that's hilariously Rob Schneider, everybody. If there was ever a movie that would make me, like, go screaming for the Eternal Sunshine Clinic. This is the one This is the one that Memory extracted into your brain I would give Tom Wilkinson

Whatever he was asking And I would just want to go on Now Chris you gotta blow me Mark Ruffalo's gonna dance on your bed The fifth time he's done that this month And then when you leave the clinic You gotta listen to that sad Beck song A couple of times in a row

Everybody's gonna lose Oh man That doesn't want to make you put your head in the oven This movie will You're not allowed to listen to that That song in the month of December. Like, it's just, that is a suicide song. And you just, and speaking of songs for the month of December that want to make it kill yourself, the Hanukkah song, which is just that Dominic the donkey.

Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey. That is the worst. I'll listen to the Hanukkah song over and over and over again before I will enjoy a listening of Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey. all Christmas songs you kind of give them like four plays throughout the month because you have to at some point you just have to be like well this is my

this is the negative option this is the best one I've got and sometimes with the Hanukkah song sometimes if you're lucky it's that like a ELO fucking silver bells which is amazing ELO oh yeah

yeah no isn't that Mannheim steamroller yeah that's Manhattan steamroller oh yeah and that's manhame steamroller oh yeah and that's That's fine. And you will rock the fuck out. And you'll want to invade countries listen to that song. I feel like sometimes like radio DJs during Christmas, like they'll just put on Vince Goral, D. Trio's, uh, the Charlie Brown Christmas record and just be like, I'm just going to head down to the bar for an hour. I got that shit on vinyl. That's very enjoyable to listen to me. I have never skipping over one of those songs. No. The Hanukkah song or as we learn in the credits of this movie, there's three versions of that shit. When did that happen? Who is requesting three versions?

of the Hanukkah song. Apparently, the first version was just the overture. To the one that now mentions Osama bin Laden and sweet Robbie Schneider. Oh, God damn it. Robbie Schneider. Yeah, he cut, like, it took a live version. He's got a children's choir, which he calls the Dreidels. That's the level of, that's the level of Jewish joke we're getting in this movie.

And it's not like, you know, like a Rye Jewish humor. you got your Seinfeld This is just like Dreidel's hilarious Dreidel even funnier Here's deer with shit in their teeth Which there is in this movie I don't know how that pertains to Judaism

It's in there I get the point about There's a lot of shitty comedy So this movie Because by the way When I made the comment at the top of the hour About it's not a movie It's not a movie

It's barely a television special This shit is 68 minutes long It is now official the shortest movie we've discussed on the show behind Inspector Gadgett, everybody. A applause. Which in a way is a blessing. Can you imagine this shit was an hour

and 40 minutes? Oh, that's, I'm running out your window. Well, because you've got your Adam Sandler who plays his Adam Sandler role, which is just the coolest guy from Cool Town that has no worries, except he's kind of an asshole, but we love him because he's an asshole. Yeah, just that alpha male

bullshit attitude that no one cares about but everyone laughs at in public but then if you were one on one with that person in a room you're like god i hate hanging out with this guy because it's he's because he's gonna be giving you fucking wedgies and shit that's what this guy is he's the kind of guy who like goes around who still thinks it's funny um we're just talking about like nicknames this is a motherfucker who calls you by your worst nickname until you're in the cold ground and by the way it continues the adam sandler movie tradition of having having dumbass names for a character. He's Davy Stone in this movie.

Of course he is. You know. Stone cold. Well, no, that's his heart. Is Stone. Jack Saddlestein, Danny Maccabee, Lenny, Fedder, George Simmons, Skeeter Bronson, Zohan. I mean, come on, everybody.

You don't mess with that last one. I'll tell you that much. One of two movies I walked out on In My Life. So, yeah, this movie is he's a fucking prick. That's literally the opening 20 minutes. Yeah, I trailed off as if there was more to that sentence. I should have really emphasized there's a period there. This movie is he's a fucking prick around the holiday.

We start out with some sweet Robbie Schneider narration. He introduces us to the town of Dukesbury. Don't get excited, Gary, Gary Trudeau. It's not Dunesbury. It's Duke's Barry. He was like, did they? No, they didn't. Somebody finally, no, oh, I got all these, got all these sketches a hundred times. I'll forget it.

So, yeah, he lives in Dukesbury, New Hampshire. And he's, he hates the holidays as we find out, thanks to Rob Schneider, the narrator, which, by the way, if you're doing this, like, animated Christmas movie, you know, you're kind of thinking about other holiday animated movies. Why not a Burlives impersonator? Yeah, well, for Brimley. Oh, yeah. He would do that. Yeah. Stick to that.

Ain't crazy what? I don't know about that. Oh, I'm sorry. It's about whom? The group known as the what. Our things, but no thanks. God damn. You best keep on driving.

You want me to light a what? I'll just be here in Brimleyton lighting my Christmas tree. Want me to spin a what? We don't deal with the X-mas. I don't like what they cut out with the X-Mass. You want to wage a war on Christmas. You're going to wage a war on me, Goddamn. That's a guy that doesn't say fucking happy holidays.

Oh, no. Oh, happy holidays, huh? Well, happy fuck you days. You say happy holidays on the Brimley compound. He's putting a bear trap around your neck like straw dogs. Just he is not having it. Just to be clear, the rules of the compound are as follows. You either say Merry Christmas or you'll wake up.

with a bear trap around your dick FYI Now come on in There's a warm supper for you And we will say grace Goddamo So I wish Wilver Brimley wasn't in that movie

That was so fun now Not talking back to Well now I can't think of anything else Uh We're at Dukesbury Adam Sandler's In a shitty In Rob Schneider's Chinese restaurant

Because that makes sense For scorpion ball at five minutes That's got to be a restaurant record. Well, right now I'm going to go for another restaurant record. Longest burp. And it's one of those annoying things in Chinese restaurants, which I never understood why it got so popular. But the sit-down Chinese restaurants with the extensive alcohol menu, you don't need need to have a fucking zombie with your goddamn sesame chicken.

I never understood that. And that's what he's doing in this movie. He's chugging back Volcano bowls. Scorpion bowls. God knows what else. And he's wasted. And this is a movie. This is an animated film for children. And he's totally fucking zonked. And he's walking

out to his car. And he's like, his car, by the way, the keyhole already has a bunch of scratches. Oh yeah. This is not the first time he's driven under the influence. And then he reenacts a scene from Cronenberg's crash for what has to be a minute. These cops come up to him and they're like, hey, Adam Sandler, you're not going to think about drinking and driving, are you? And he's like, no, I'm saying good night to my car. And then he

fucks it. He fucks his car. He tends to fuck it. If he did fuck it, that yeah, that's points for the movie. He's actually whipping it out and tailpiping it. But again, it's for children. So he's just going to pretend to fuck a car. Hey, Spader, can you take the power? I don't know, Sandler, can you? I want to rewatch crash. Because it's a not fat James Spader, unlike Lincoln, which he's fabulous. My favorite thing in Lincoln, other than him being a fat shit, is that he's a fat shit name Bill Bo.

What a perfect name for a fat shit. Oh, it's perfect. So, yeah, he fucks this car And then Rob Schneider comes out And he's like, yeah, oh, he didn't pay his tab And it's just, it's terrible and Then there's a big chase scene Yeah, and then

Because you were most surprised by this, he jumps on this like It's like, I don't know, a garbage cat It's a top to a garbage can Yeah, and he's sliding around town And then I'm sitting there watching this movie I have never seen this movie This was you two came to me and said Perfect for the holidays

And I was like, all right. I don't know what this is. I remember it, but never saw it. Then this happens. Somebody stop that guy. I'm the kind of guy who can't stand a holiday, so I drink them all away. That's me.

I don't decorate no trees, and I won't eat no potato like keys, but I'll give this old lady's melon to squeeze. That's just. And I'm like, wait a second, this is a fucking musical. Are you shitting me? On top of all the shitty jokes, I have to hear bad Adam Sandler songs on top of everything else. That's like the only reason this movie is made.

It's because Adam Sandler's a song and dance man. Yeah, and I mean, this happens 10 minutes in, aka, one seventh of this movie. And then, like, you're just like, well, where am I now? How are they going to fit in songs to this stupid thing? Oh, they fit them in. They wedge them right in. Those songs don't want to go in those holes, but they get shoved in those holes. Because in a musical, and I mean, like, animation and music go really well together, The Lion King, and just about every Disney movie ever made.

And because those are movies that know what a musical structure is. like you start with the big song this is what the town is this is what the world is then we start singing about our dreams then we're singing about our problems then we're singing about how to solve our problems then we solve our fucking problems

and then we sing about how we solved them and then we sing that the sun's rising and it's a brand new day and we're gone and it's great it's always it always fucking works bring the house right down and to a degree these songs in some way service the plot of the film

or move things forward yeah some of the songs like lay stuff out expositionally for you in this movie for the most part these songs do nothing to further the plot of this film they set up more elements that just aren't paid off including the big the big you might say the thrust of this film so he gets caught by the cops and he goes to his day in court and it's a weird like the judge is just like i've had it with you a decade in the slamming I don't know what's going on in Dukesbury. It just, it seems a bit strange because the judge, there's no jury to be found. And the judge is like, I'm tired of it, I saw you grow up, now you're going to spend 10 years in prison. And then, there's a voice in the audience of the courthouse, and we're introduced to this. Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment. Because why not?

Why just play one role in a movie, Adam Sandler, when you can play several roles in a movie? I had a good Adam Sandler. And truth be told, I'm not alone in this room, that I love Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, some other ones. Wedding singer? I just think about opera man is one of my favorite bits from SNL. Well, yeah, you want to talk about, like, him doing music stuff. You know, yeah, the Opperman stuff was funny. Lunch Ladyland, one of the funniest fucking things.

The original Hanukkah song, when he did it on Saturday Night Live, before it ruined itself, was legitimately funny. That song on his one record, piece of shit car is hilarious. Like, he's very capable of making funny songs. The problem is I can't handle his crazy voices when they're stretched out for a movie. I like him playing the lovable weirdo loser like your Billy Madison and your Happy Gilmore. When he starts becoming too successful and into himself, it's kind of a fuck you. And when he starts playing someone with brain damage, I can't even fucking think about it. Which is kind of what this whitey character is.

He's like a little hobbony-looking old man. He's got a club foot. It's just the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in my life. Human misery is kind of hilarious. Don't you like laughing at how unfortunate in my life is? That's funny, right kid? And it's like you're just teaching people to laugh at different people. Like, there's a straight up mentally handicapped character later on in the film, and it's supposed to get big old laughs.

Look at that big old Rie Rees playing basketball. Isn't it funny to laugh at him, children watching this movie? And I mean, that's the thing. It's like, imagine a bar graph, right? And the thing is just going down the whole fucking way. And it just thinks that if you just bring it up right at the end, it just saves everything. and it really, really doesn't. Yeah, no, the whole, like, as you know,

this guy's getting redeemed and he's getting the girl, because that is the end of every Adam Sandler movie. Well, and they're also counting on those parents who just aren't going to be checking into this film whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. We aren't thinking about anything, and then they just, like, look up from their Blackberry or whatever the fuck. He did all right.

Okay, that's good for him. No, fuck you. This guy's awful. I mean, I remember working in a movie theater when this came out, and the theater was dead. I mean, I feel like this is a DVD thing, and you can get away with it on DVD. Like, if I was a fucking 11-year-old kid in 2002, and I was like, oh, man, eight crazy nights is on that new thing called DVD, you know, it's like, oh, mom, you know, I'm going to rent this Christmas movie. It's just some dumb Adam Sandler thing, whatever.

And it was like, okay, yeah, that's great. You could get away with watching this horrendous, offensive fucking movie. I would not want a kid watching this movie. Anyone under the age of, like, I'm not like, I'm certainly not precious about these things. I kind of think the MPA is a little, a little new handhold. And I'll take a kid to an R-rated flick. Oh, I'll take a kid to an R-rated flick. Believe you, me, it's my goddamn constitutional r-laws.

You ought to yell at me. You want to put me in chains for taking a kid to an R-rated flick. You don't think my baby deserve to see basic instinct. What about the educational ones? Like, Ami style. I mean, we didn't go to it because I ain't watching that kind of a movie. I'm just saying there's R-rated intellectual films out there. Why am I a racist all of a sudden?

I don't know. When did that happen? I agree with you, though. Yes, you know, I'm not saying, you know, you can't see that. But, I mean, this is flat out fucking stupid, vulgar, and offensive. Yeah. And racist. You're just being racist.

And also, there's, there's no. reason throughout this film there's no reason that is animated no this actually plays exactly like what he was making around that time like that this is like a mr deeds type humor oh of course it is but for some reason because there's only two there's only two sequences i can think of where actually like some kind of fantasy thing makes you go out of it and you would you would need some kind of animation or cg i but you could have done that with just cg i feel i feel i feel i feel and I, you know, I'm basing this on nothing but a gut feeling. I want

to say they presented Sony with a script and it was like, hey, here's the movie we want to do for Christmas. It's called Eight Crazy Nights. And they went, oh, it's this? Well, you are Adam Sandler, so you can do it, but it has to be animated. Because there's no way

we're spending like live action budget on this fucking garbage. That makes sense. You know, it's just, it's cheaper. By the way, we'll bring in the animation team from the Iron Giant to do this. Just in case you wanted the happy memories

of that kind of animation, beautifully done, heartwarming stories like the Iron Giant, crushed and set on fire and then pissed out. This movie was made. I mean, the kid and the mother look almost exactly like the kid and the mother from the Iron Giant. They absolutely do.

But they don't sound like them. Is the problem. Yeah, Adam Sandler's wife plays the, this wife character that comes up in this movie? Yeah, Jackie Titone, Jackie Sandler, whatever she's going by when it's convenient. And if there ever was a moment where you notice Jennifer Anderson's talent, here it comes. She was great in the Iron Giant. She was. Yeah, no, but she is really flat. I mean, I'm sure she's a nice person, sure, you know,

and a great mother, but a voice actress, she not be. And that's got to piss off. all the women that work on Rugrats and God knows what else. That big, fat, fucking movie check comes along and it goes to his wife. Oh, yeah, totally. You know, the struggling Sandler clan. Yeah.

Fucking scraping by paycheck to paycheck. Thank God she landed that role. I just imagine them coming home to, like, having a little, like, one of those little stoves that they have to put wood in. Do you want to be in a crazy night with me? Maybe it's a thing where, like, she asked for it so she could get that paycheck and she could hide it.

away in case anything happens just because he's not letting you take his goddamn money there's a lot of young women out there they want to be famous yeah this is just going to be for me hey uh yeah go ahead well i wanted to move the story forward a little bit

because this is where it gets really stupid do a little under jupin impression he's caught for vandalism and you know vagrancy and you know the judge is like i'm going to sentence you to jail for 10 years which is insane.

Whitey stands up and he's like, well, I'll take him under my wing and he can, you know, kind of referee basketball with me. And he's like, okay, then you don't go to jail. But if you mess up one time stone, 10 years and a slammer.

And it's like, yeah, all right, you're a licensed social worker. This can't miss. Like, come on. I'm going to meet with this fucking gnome in one week. And if your shit isn't straightened out, to the slammer.

But it's just so kind of vague as to what is supposed to happen here. Like, you'd think, okay, what? He has to coach them to a championship game? Because that doesn't happen. Because spoiler alert, this basketball, you know, public service thread goes nowhere. There's no big game. Where's the big game? You need the big game against the bad guy who's going to be voiced by John Lovitz, the town billionaire.

There is a big game. But it has to involve Adams. Sandler being great at basketball. Because you have to know that he's the best at everything. Even animated Adam Sandler. So they're like at this, you know, YMCA or, oh, actually, it's a JCC

because this is so loosely a movie for Jewish kids to love and celebrate, by the way. Just because every so often they get thrown a bone, you know, just like, oh, it's kind of Jewish. So that's what you want, right? Like, no, I want a movie that celebrates my fucking holiday, please. And

I'm sorry. You know who are some of the greatest comedians of all time, Jewish comedians. You can make a fucking funny movie that's actually about eight crazy nights. Yes, you can get every, like all sort of, like, John Lovitz, for example, is a great Jewish comedian. Albert Brooks would have knocked this out of the park. Of course. This is a movie that Albert Brooks should have done, actually. I can imagine that, like, and I'm sure that Adam Sandler really looks up to Albert Brooks, but I'm sure Albert Brooks doesn't have too much time for Adam Sandler. Yeah, sure. Sure, I'll take a look at those notes.

Just leave him there on your way out. I have no Albert Brooks impression. I thought about it for a split second. I was like, don't do it. Yeah, it's a kind of, you can do a gravelly thing. It's just tough. But, I mean, the theme of eight crazy nights, like Hanukkah is such a fucking afterthought in this movie. At least, like, you know, and a couple weeks ago, I was talking about Christmas vacation, you know, you have that framing device of the advent calendar.

And they're opening the doors and you're getting the sense of time passing. It's like every once in a while you see someone light a candle. But you can't even see the whole menorah. So you're like, all right, I guess it's another night of Hanukkah. I'm half Jewish. And I don't know what happens during Hanukkah. So I would like a movie that talked about what happens during Hanukkah. The explains like the different days, why this day is different from that one.

Like, this is such ripe territory. Yeah. And they just fucking piss on it. They really piss on it. Though they shit on it, and then they freeze it. Which we'll get to in a minute. So one of the things is he's like, come down to the JCC and I'm going to educate your basketball. We're going to learn basketball instead of going to jail.

It's better, right? So he's like trying to teach him stuff. And Sandler's characters like talking shit. And these two goons come out of nowhere like, oh, I'd like to see you try. And then there's all of a sudden a basketball competition. Yep. And he's got to play basketball with this old man who, of course, instantly almost dies. Well, he has, you know what's hilarious, by the way? Epileptics fits. Oh, yeah. They're amazingly funny. If you've ever seen one, if you've lived with that tragedy, it's fucking hilarious.

And what's ironic for me personally is that I find epileptic seizure jokes so fucking funny. I laugh so hard. I throw myself into fits of the same disease. You know what's even, but you see, what's funnier than all that is not helping somebody who has an epileptic fit, which nobody in this fucking movie does. It is much more hilarious to stand and point at someone while laughing at their fit. Because Whitey just, because this character, I don't know what, he must have been Hitler in another life. Like, this is the worst reincarnation you can get. He's three feet tall. He's got a club foot. You know, he's just, he's smelling.

Bell's bad. He's very hairy. And he also has epileptic fits. And an hour of his time is worth a dollar. Yeah, he's doing odd jobs around the town, like cleaning up feces for a buck. And it's just like hilarious that everyone's taken advantage of this clearly sort of kind of mentally challenged guy. Yeah, totally. Like, he's not, you know, homebound or anything. Like, he gets around on his own. He has a driver's license. look when his mother was given like when she got pregnant they still didn't really know about the whole you shouldn't be drinking and smoking thing so like she just kind of let rip she kept on with those gin and tonicas i imagine it's like the beginning of raiders and she's Karen Allen just heard some big Mongolian guy going shot for shot while eating a bunch of shellfish he's did all you got in you so he has this fit so Adam Sandler got to play with this kid who is the son of Adam Sandler's characters like high school sweetheart who there's some magic tragedy that happened in Davy's life that made him a big fucking prick and this kid this you know this woman grew up to hate his guts and whatever yeah she's she's the

old prototypical single mom with a big old chip on her shoulder like is you can't just be a happy single mother no no no no you're looking for a husband and you're fucking miserable while you're doing. Absolutely. It's a real crone this woman. And yet, it can't just be a thing where he's like kind of okay at basketball and then maybe like loses and gets kind of humiliated. No, no, no, no, no.

Not only is he fucking excellent at basketball. When he, the cartoon, takes off his cartoon shirt for shirts and skins, he's cartoonly ripped to hear the cartoon kingdom come. Because Adam Saylor has to be so

fucking perfect in every sense of the word in this movie. His cartoon self could beat Michael Jordan's Space Jam cartoon self in a game of one-on-one. He's so physically fit that if he got completely naked

and put a cartoon sock over his cartoon cock, he'd look like a 1992 Anthony Keatis. He is cut from the gods in this cartoon character. It makes no goddamn sense because we're told that all this guy has been doing

since the age of 18 is just getting drunk every night causing trouble living in a trailer that's barely a trailer probably smoking a lot of weed which I don't know why this movie's above this guy being a pot-ed well because he's not a potty he's a meth head

let's all be lives in a fucking trailer he's a meth head that is what's going on in that pop-up trailer yeah if you can't really get high in like a really you can live in a in a trailer, that's fine. But if you're living in a tractor trailer where there's no, it's just one room,

weed isn't going to do it for you. Because that's just, that's just going to elevate the fact that you're in a trailer. You need to go someplace. You need to, you need something that makes that trailer into a palace. A big cigarette stained palace. So he, it's one of your standard movie things or cartoon things is like, all right. you know if we beat you you have to eat it and this is a mental there's a mentally challenged guy actually mentally challenged big hairy fat guy bouncing a basketball and it's like okay i get it he's

mentally challenged and it's like if you whoever loses has to eat this guy's jockstrap like all right just just eat a jock strap okay well that's that's binding we made a bet let's do this well that's the weird thing about this week and this movie has a lot to do with commerce which we'll get to when we get to the mall but like it's 10 years for vagrancy doing a dollar for odd jobs will get you through and apparently like jock straps a currency in this world

Steve we're talking about a movie world in where a family of deer lick a frozen man out of a shit covered ice cube and get feces stuck in their teeth and then later on laugh so hard they actually shit oh man I forgot about that

so yes Steve so yes Steve. This is a world where jocks straps are currently. It's one of these stupid like things where like it happens a lot more in high school movies or like movies where you're getting bullied where it's like instead of like asking for a lunch money, oh well all I really want you do is eat your underwear or some shit like that. And it makes no. Okay. So shock of all shocks, Adam Sandler and this little kid beat these two grown men in basketball. And then magically cut to this dude just chowing down on this sweaty jockstrap. And even the handicapped guy's like, why are you doing that?

I'm like, yeah, that's right, handicapped guy. Why are you doing that? Because not even Adam Sandler's like, hey man, eat it up. We won. He's like, we won, motherfuckers. See you later. Well, this guy's got a weird sense of honor, apparently. So much so

that, you know, the game is over and Adam Sandler's love interest is like, you're a bad influence on my son and I'm really flat in acting. Goodbye. And they, like, tiptoe away and Whitey gives Adam Sennler

a ride home. And this guy that he beat at basketball is burning his trailer down. And he's still eating the jockstrap while he's doing it. Deals a deal. Because that's a joke, right?

Okay. And then he's going to come home and this dude's burning his house down. That's good. You know what's better? He comes home. This dude's burning his house down. And he's still eating that jockstrap. gold joke what is this guy a seven samurai like it's a chalk strap you're eating fucking like cloth stop it i don't get it uh oh so then they go to the mall at one point this is i mean and this is terrible this is this i don't get what they're doing with this so they go to the

mall and this little nom's like well the most the best place in the world you go there for all sorts of things you can buy, but I can't afford nothing because I shovel shit for a me. I live in a house that I probably got from the government, but I like to look at the shopper image sometimes. We're all pretty sure that this guy's, this little

guy's on disability. Oh, easy. There's like an okay stipend that comes at the end of every month. Just something. The town feels bad. They just cut him a check and tell him get the fuck out of my face. the guy who's going by the recycling plan every once in a while, like, do you get out any

organizing jobs? I mean, this this town is meaner than a fucking Tom Solent's movie, you know what I mean? Like, it's just it's just so cruel to this man. To be fair, though,

there's no like child molestation of this town. Yeah, that's the one line they did not cross. You know, you're going into Salon's town, U.S. Have you ever touched yourself to a picture of me? That could have easily happened. That's how easily that line could have been crossed.

So they go to the mall and he's like, listen, I come to the mall, the window shop because I can't afford jack shit. And, you know, sometimes people in the food court give me free food, which is a real bargain. And it's, yeah, because commercialism is really what? Actually, he walks into this place and it's like every copyrighted mall store, There's a fucking Spencer's Gifts, a sharper image, a fucking Panda Express. He sings a song about it.

He's like, Panda Express is so lovely sometimes when you want some sesame chicken. And I mean, it's every Dunker Donuts is there. Sparrow, he says this thing about Sparrow. It's one thing to have a movie that has product placement that's a live action movie. Because it's like, you know what, I'm not going to get the prop department to bother to cover this stuff up. or dummy up some, you know, lucky red cigarettes or whatever. We're just using Marlboro and it's got to be easy. Totally.

But this, you have to painstakingly animate the Dunkin' Donuts logo. This Dunkin' Donuts logo is the most well-drawn thing in the movie. This is fucking pristine. I thought it was a thing where, like, there's a little animated guy walking in front of, like, a real cell of, like, a Dunkin' Donuts picture. It's breathtaking. I thought the Panda Express is pretty impressive. So just keep in the back of your pocket that the mall is a place that's going to make you feel good. And eating junk food is really a good idea.

Especially this guy who's living off the government. Believe me, nothing bad has ever happened at a mall. Not once in the history of ever has a bad thing happened at a shopping mall. And again, like, all right, we're trying to do anti-programming, right? You've got all your shitty Christmas commercial movies. Let's make our fucking... Because, I mean, Hanukkah, it's about, like, you know, the presents are a little smaller scale for the most part,

as I understand it. And, you know, it's just... I mean, you get a thing, but there's a lot more religion involved. There's spirituality. It's not as commercially diluted as Christmas. Like, oh, yes, it is. It's even worse. Well, keep in mind, though, that character doesn't celebrate.

That's true. He's a Christmas guy. Yeah. So he is in there. just criss-crasmus it up. That wasn't even a word. But the point is, he loves Christmas. Yeah.

So the other thing is, because it's just, this is a bunch of vignettes of garbage, but so his house gets burned down. And the guy's like, oh, well, your house is in rubble. You can live with me and my paternal twin sister. And you're like, oh, great.

There's another one of you. I haven't seen this movie before, but I know because you have a paternal twin sister. There's another one. fucking like it. Yeah. And it's like slapstick, the Vonnegut book. It's just a twisted pair of twins. And you don't want to know what they get up to.

And like, Sandler's character walks in this house and right away, she's like, oh, God, it's a child molester. And I'm like, oh, great, more handicapped humor. Thanks a lot, Adam Sandler. It's like if you split Boo Radley in half, you get this guy. If Zeus cut Boo Radley in half, you'd get this guy. to two. And it was just like a fantation.

Yes. And yeah, well, she flat out does call him a child molester, but it's just up. Pleased up molest me. You're like,

uh, ha, ha, ha, great. And then this is where, this is where the voice acting goes in this movie, because you've got Adam Sandler being Adam Sandler.

Yeah. And then he got Adam Sandler being the sister. Like, I know, here comes a molester. And then the brother comes in like, don't worry, sweetheart.

He ain't going to molest nobody. Oh, not going to get molester, but perfect. Just like, please, everybody just sit down and read a magazine inside. How much of human misery can the audience take? Let's see how far it can go. And it goes so much farther because they're soaking their feet and she plays the trombone

while he reads what periodical? A short and goofy quarterly. And meanwhile, a 12-year-old Heather Matarazzo is fingering herself upstairs because that's what this movie is all. all about. You, uh, you mind if I blow you? You don't have to do anything to me, but I want to blow you. I would have, I would have loved it if it was like palindromes and then it cut back and Whitey was like, like an overweight black woman or something.

The thing that I was referencing, by the way, was that really shitty Todd Solan's movie. Storytelling. Yeah. When Scooby just gets blown when he does mushrooms. Totally. They end up balance it back. Bastion song plays. They can keep that movie.

They can take all of it, put it in a little drawer, and lock it away, and they can keep it. Put it in a little Christmas stuffing, and keep it. All right. So, I mean, then we have a nice little musical number

where it's like, we start, it's all about a technical file. They're explaining. the rules for living in this house of horrors. As if, but as if this movie is about them living together in a house and like, if he does the wrong thing, he's out on his ass, it goes, the song's four minutes long about like all these bullshit rules and then it could, you never see the house again.

If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet, that's it at the cold foul. If you switch the radio, to some modern music show That's a technical foul If you don't shut the door After using the refrigerator That's a technical foul

A technical foul But the crucial thing about this musical number Is that it's so beautiful and heartfelt and touching And lets you in just a little peek into the window that is their souls that he started like the fucking Grinch's heart grew five sizes large you know what I mean

this is where we're supposed to be like oh okay he's not a selfish prick anymore because he's living with these two fucking circus freaks one of us I don't have any legs or arms that worm guy and freaks that's creepy

I read somewhere that that dude had like 12 kids Figure that out. Oh, there's a lot of open-minded people. No, I mean, that's true. Beginning of right before the song, Adam Sandler would just rather wipe his ass on Whitey's head. Don't like this with my head.

Than anything else. End of song, he would like run over three pedestrians to make sure he was okay. It's sickening. Like, he's like helping them with chores around the house. He's reading a book. by the way. Now, this is a fantasy story. No, well, no, it's probably, I hope they serve beer in hell or something. Had to bang chicks.

The one thing I don't want to lose, because this does happen before this, and I don't want to be Adam Sandler about it, set it up and then not do it, is we talked about, so why this is before he moves in. And, like, this is how much he hates this fucking Whitey character. Oh, yes. So why he's doing like these odd jobs? He's like putting up the star on the Christmas tree and then he falls. And he's like, oh, thanks for the work. And they're like, hey, if you clean out the shitty writer, we'll give you a dollar. And he's like, oh boy, a dollar.

And like he runs to it. And he's fucking, he's like hosing down these like four portapotties or whatever. And then of course, because it's hilarious, Adam Sandler's in one of them vomiting. Because he's so fucking cool. And, you know, he walks out and this David the gnome, you know, starts chastising him. And he's like, well, you know what they say? You get drunk in Tewksbury. You wake up in Pukesbury.

And he goes, you know what? I've had enough of it. Shubs this little fucking garden gnome in a porta potty and shoves them down a hill. And now, like, this is an, I think it's a family guy joke, right? when Peter goes in the porta potty potty and Seth McFarly knows enough to be like I could push it just so much like and I could paint this picture with words you know Peter just yells out it's everywhere and you fucking get it totally it's everywhere it's in my raccoon wounds yes yes classic very classic family guy gag and he and but no no the camera stays and fucking Whitey has to come out and he's It got animated shit all over. It looks like you got slimed by shit. The way they draw this is like when Winnie the poo gets stuck in the honey jar and the moment where he finally pries his little poo hat out and there's just honey dribbling all down his face.

That's what this feces looks like. It's so, and I realize I also explained it in a very disgusting way. Sure. But it is so disgusting. I feel like I haven't even begun to do it justice. Fuck that. It looks like when they brought like. when they brought like the birds out of the BP oil disaster.

It's just like sludge everywhere all over it. And it's not enough. Adam Sandler hasn't won enough. He has to spray this guy with a hose, probably killing him. And he like gets froze and he's like, I'm stuck in shit. It's terrible. Which this is one of those moments where the movie goes from like just an animated film to a cartoon movie. Yeah.

Because he gets frozen in a block of ice by a hose. Like, I understand it's New Hampshire in the wintertime, but come on, everybody. Well, I mean, this is going from a normal, like, um, like those old-fashioned, like, Grinch type. Here's where that line is between the Grinch and like Fritz the cat. Because it's up to now. He got frozen and shit. Okay, that's bad enough. But now the deer that helped Whitey push his car out earlier.

The deer come and just lick up all the shit, all the frost and shit off of him. And then they grin at the camera with teeth full of fucking shit. I would love to watch this movie with Ralph Bokshi and a bottle of Jim B. You'll have no fucking furniture left in the house. He's breaking at all. So when's the part when all the cats are going to start having co-courgies with each other? Is that going to happen? What does it say about race relations that he rips the whole?

whole fucking sink out of the wall. He assassinates Adam Sandler. But yeah, the shit's in the teeth. It's just in the cheese. And what's, I mean, it's a shit-eating grin, right? And it's like these people that made this movie, because they are who they are, they get to make this movie. That's them smiling with their own shit-eating jeans like, fucking happy Hanukkah, you paid for it, grin. See, that's, I'm almost certain this is the movie that, uh, there was that,

great episode of South Park where like Stancy's everything as shit and he goes to the movies and it's all shit. I am certain this is where that came from. It's entirely possible. So now we're flash forward a bit, you know, for 38 seconds

Adam Sandler acts like a person and he's nice to these people that are nice to him. And Steve is not exaggerating when he says 38 seconds. It seriously is the end of that technical foul music number. And then it just goes into the very next scene, and he's a prick again.

Yeah. Right away. So the whole thing is like, you know, when his, when his trailer's burning down, he runs in to save this letter, you know, that has his name on it from mom and dad. And you, you're already told a few minutes ago that his parents are, in fact, dead. And you realize like it's, you know, they're working up to something. And so this is the scene. They're at an ice rink.

And, you know, he's sitting with these two goblins, you know, they got cocoa or whatever. and somehow like Whitey just starts telling the story of the night his fucking parents died in a car accident because he has no social cues you know and he's just like well I'm sitting with this guy

what do I know about him well he's kind of a jerk but now he's nice oh his parents died tragically and so he starts telling the story and like you know yeah like it was a great night at the JCC he's a huge basketball star it's the first night of Hanukkah

everyone's so fucking excited about life they win the game and then you know the kids looking over like where my parents are making all these baskets they're not seeing it they're missing the game and then the cops come in and for some reason informed this little old man of the situation to be fair adam sandler is just like stop talking about this shit whitey and the other day oh my goodness it's so exciting so i'm telling me a story and the other thing is like this little sister like come on lady you lived through it you know what he's talking about it's a small town and she's just like oh it's like a fairy tale. Like, oh, my God. And then it gets really gruesome. Then the cops came into the JCC gymnasium and told me they found your parents' heads all the way across the pond. They found your mother between your father's legs. What do you think she was doing in that car?

You ever see the beginning of signs? Your mother was stuck in a tree. So they're dead So yeah So then Adam Sandler flips the fuck out And he's like, I told you not to talk about that You're a real scumbag And by the way, the other thing in this movie is like

There's some annual like It's like a boy scout patch that they give people It's like the best person in town award But it's like a patch that you just sew on your shirt or something It's somehow related to the bat like You're right At the end of this movie should be a big basketball game where something happens.

That would be a good ton of sense. Totally. But for whatever reason, it's this annual award that takes place like kind of tangentially to the basketball community where like the best person in town

gets an award for being the best person in town. And Whitey, poor fucking Whitey, that's all he wants in the world. There's no money involved, obviously, because it doesn't know what money is.

It's just everyone to clap and say we love Whitey. Which I also feel then, because this is like the 35th annual, right? yeah he gets this way every year yeah right he has to yeah which doesn't make any sense in this movie because he's like oh boy i'm waiting my whole life for this and you're like well you were waiting your whole life for the 34th one and the 33rd one and quite possibly the first one

because you're like a hundred fucking years old yeah this started when you were like 40 and they've been passing you over for over three decades you know what if i'm my for an award like this and I get if I get snubbed like twice I'm not going to that ceremony anymore he's been going for 35 years

to this dinner and every year he gets all this year he's so excited and like this is this is how Adam Seller gets him he's been calling him a freak a troll he put shit in his eyes all this stuff but what really gets to it he's like you're never going to win this

award because no one in this town gives two flying fucks about you which he's right It's the most truthful thing he says in the movie. Because he's a... Everyone treats him like shit. Now, this is what... I just had this thought, though, and it's really sinister.

Oh, yeah. So the beginning of this fucking thing, he volunteers to help Adam Sandler. I think that's a bit self-serving, don't you? He's like, oh boy, I got it. If I helped his fucking degenerate, I'm going to win the patch this year. So that's the only reason he offers his coaching services.

I get this guy. Off the streets, they gotta give it to me. What a fucking scumbag this little old man is. Unbelievable, the selfishness. If I, if I help this woman with a kid, she'll let me see her boobs. Speaking of boobs, by the way. Oh, God, the three-tit.

There is just a three-boobed lady in this movie for no reason. Like total recall. And, like, for nothing. It's, she factors into a song lyric at one point. Yeah. And you're like, oh, okay. But then she keeps popping up all over the, place it's fucking well you see okay well here's why the patch is bullshit because she's gotten it

three years in a row because she's got a patch for each boob at the end of it what do you think she's doing for that that patch each year i don't want to know i know i think mayor kevin nielan knows though so it's the big the big fucking blowout and everything and you know they they part ways because by the way it's a big second act blowout 58 minutes into the 68 minute movie well i mean the second act literally is three minutes long it's from the song to the end of the story which is literally two and a half minutes also this is the second time in the movie that his character or third time that his character interacts with the the single mom and the kid and she's like why do you have to be such a fucking prick well see you later yep keep that in mind for when at

the end of the movie they go off as star cross lovers for no reason whatsoever well that's it should be Like, there should be a scene when he comes to dinner. Maybe the kid really likes him. You know, all this, this is a movie you could write. This movie thinks that that basketball scene is just enough of that, though. Because he's kind of okay to the kid and he helps them. You know, he's like, yeah, play basketball with me. We'll beat these two goons and whatever.

I would even contest about him turning nice for 38 minutes. All he did for those, not 38 minutes, 38 seconds. Let me make that clear. For those 38 seconds, really all he does is doesn't belittle them. like it's like okay yeah it's better than like him hitting them and saying that he's going to steal their shit or whatever but like he helps him clear a cobweb and then he doesn't beat him when he gives him the fake can of almonds with the snakes coming out oh yeah in that montage of him becoming a better person they find snakes in a jar they don't find them they buy them at spencer's gifts with the dog poop you get to plastic dog poop so yeah rob schnter tells it at c

of the movie and his regular rob schneider voice isn't this kind of interesting it's the end of the movie and uh yeah so he feels pretty bummed out and the whole thing is you know they say like yeah if you scope the law one more time davy stone you're in jail so of course he breaks into the mall he's drunk and he needs to feel good where do you feel good america at the mall and uh all of these like store mascots come to life in this weird alcohol induced hallucination and sing to him about the magic of the holidays. If you're feeling low, where do you go? Foot Locker.

This footlocker guy has so much wisdom for Adam Sandler. It's like listening to like Confucius. No, it's not. It's just this babbling of like, you've got to buy more to beat the, like, it's so stupid. If you want the girl, you need to buy these cross trainers. It's not even, it's all about letting himself cry. He's never let himself cry. Oh, he's never mourned the death of his parents.

And you know what really cares about emotion? Corporate America. They really want you. They care about how you feel deep inside. The GNC vitamin supplement company really wants you to get over the death of your parents in a healthy and nutritious fashion. The coffee bean cup has a whole lot to say on the subject. It'd be great if the ped, fucking, of ped express, like, you know what makes me feel better? Eating Chinese food.

You know what will give you the giggles? MSG Which, by the way, this whole cast of characters in this room here So the footlocker guy Is one of the two dudes who's in all The Adam Sandler movies? Obviously.

Not Alan Covert or whatever his name is, but the other one That guy, it's him. Tyra Banks is the voice of a dress from fucking dress barn or some shit. And then, yeah. This isn't SpongeBob? Tom Kenny, yeah.

It's a chair from the sharper image. Kevin Farley. is Padd Express. That makes sense. I'm kind of pissed that they didn't animate just an Italian flag for Sparrow's. You could have a dancing little pizza all over the place. That was probably the rejected Norm MacDonald cameo. That never was.

I mean, because of all the Sandler usual suspects that come out for this movie, Steve Bouchemey's nowhere to be found. Norm is nowhere to be found in this movie. Jontoturo's gone. Yeah. And for good reason. Good for them. Yeah, so they just do this whole thing.

And I mean, the thing is, it's like, it's kind of an animating tradition. You know, like, goes back to all those Looney Tunes cartoons when the books come to life and everyone's kind of have it. Like, it's in that wheelhouse. It's like, oh, we're making an animated. No, no, no. It's just fucking commercials. It's just Carl Weathers is a bottle of vitamins. That's all it is.

And he finally cries. And the police officers catch him because now he broke into the mall. And they could finally put him away. for a decade. Yeah, by the way, there are some people convicted of manslaughter who don't get 10 years. Charles S. Dutton didn't do 10 years. He straight up killed a man. Stabbed him to death in a bar.

Sure did. Oh, man, the interesting life of Charles S. Dutton character actor. Absolutely. Rock himself. There is some weird movie that I've seen come up a lot lately. And I don't know if it's a Netflix thing or just on IMDB. I get in a wormhole. But there's some movie where it's about him.

And the plot of the movie is he gets too obsessed with getting Obama nominated. And he's got to be pulled back because he's been like forgetting his family because he's been wanting to work for Obama. He's a little too into it. So somehow he breaks free of the police department. He just gives him a slip because there's small town Hoos and Fudge is. Yeah. And so he gets on this bus and it's like, all right, I'm getting out of town. fuck you dukesbury you say dunesbury no gary

uh so he's on this bus and he's the only person on this on this you know coach bus and whatnot no it's a greyhound bus oh you're right it's a fucking gray say great animate the little greyhound it's a beautiful greyhound logo they drew there it is crystal clear it was uh and yeah so then there's like a blowout right when they get outside of town man i was waiting for a sweet here after blowout, right off the bridge. Everyone's just dealing with this bus crash.

Oh, you're home you did. That's terrible. Nobody gets out of Dukesbury alive. The board of Dukesbury, you could have died there. So this bus driver, in the most magnificent display of bullshit in this movie, gets out, and he's like, oh, how about that? A little thumb tech caused eight blowouts on the back of this. us well it's going to take me a half an hour to fix this up and adam santa is like you know what fuck it i have to go back and apologize to this man who i've been nothing but wretched to for all

60 minutes of this 68 minute movie uh and so you got kevin neelan as the mayor and you know they're giving out some other awards leading up to the big award and there's this weird fucking scene where kevin neelan makes some stupid joke and the entire town loses their mind. What it is is he says I didn't have time to write a joke tonight so I only have a little dud for you

and it's knock knock who's there don't you don't you who don't you wish I had time to write a better joke and these people lose their mind and it's supposed to be like this absurdist like it's going on and on for way too long but you know what this movie is

not that in another situation that can be funny. That's a sims of the joke. practically you have to set that up and like i have to come into just being like this is allowed in this world yeah because in the middle of that is also lest we forget the deer shitting themselves they're like on their backs and little deer turds are like popping out of their ass well and here's where that iron giant animation comes to work because those assholes are popping with turds like goddamn machine guns their people are laughing and like snots flying out of of their nose. Like, it is

god damn diculous. And, you know, here we go. Is Whitey got to win the big award? Of course not. Because life is terrible in Dukesbury. Everybody hates everybody. Nobody gets out alive. Your parents are going to die on Hanukkah

with the puppy too, you know? And just, they're like, no, you get nothing. The rich guy who's played by John Lovitz. Yeah. You know. Finally, as you rightfully said, by the way, classing it up in this movie and he's he's funny he's fine you know magnificent like john lovitz always is with everything except that one time he was complaining about the president taxing rich people everything else he's been oh no a beam of snotty delight is what he is he's i mean and it's

a stupid character he's playing a man with a captain hook hand and they make all sorts of jokes about you wipe your ass at the wrong that is the worst i hate that god if we're talking about the jokes i really hate It's the guy with the hook hand who went through this terrible fucking accident to have his hand chopped off. And then is also obviously an idiot because he picked a fucking hook. And then some asshole in the street has the gumption to be like, you wipe your ass with that and make your asshole plead or what? And he goes, yeah.

He admits to making that mistake. And to the animators credit, they have enough poised not to show his bloody asshole, which is surprising. Yeah, totally. I was expecting a flashback scene or cut to him in the bathroom of this moose lodge where they're having this ceremony. So, yeah, Adam Sandler so Whitey gets, it's like the sad, sad scene.

And you said this, Andrew, that like, if this was played by not Adam Sandler, if the character was played by like Ed Azner, think of Up, you'd be moved. Like, he's just crying. He's like, oh, nobody cares about me. Yeah. Okay.

If it wasn't that dumb, fuck voice, if he got up and was like, oh, man, another year down, I didn't win the award. And he's still, he's, because the character does, he's classy enough, he claps for, for John Lovitz. And then he's like, you know, what's your code on? We got to go. Okay, I'll go bob up the car. And you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. But if it was like, well, Martha, let's go home and start a fire. You'd be like, you would be fucking dying of tears. You know what I mean?

But no, it's just these two disgusting little things trot out. And they drive away. And Adam Sandler, this is his big moment. This is his character moment when he stands up for somebody else. Because why not? I mean, I don't get it. You haven't earned a goddamn thing. And all of a sudden, he's like, you know what?

I have been being a prick for 20 years. I guess I'm just tired of that conveniently at this point in my life. Yes, at this point in the movie. And there's really no struggle for me to stop drinking or anything like that. It's not like I was a full-blown fucking alcoholic a couple of minutes ago. And it's not like I have been repressing the death, the tragic death of my parents. I'll just get over it. I'm getting over it now by saying so.

And he just walks in and he's like, hey, man, can I have your attention, please? You should have given it to that guy because you all treat him like dirt. And I know that because I do it too. And here's the song to prove it. And then there's just a flashback of everything we saw. And I was like, dude, no, no, no. Wait a second. We're cool.

And it's like, you know, this is a really short movie, okay? It's not like some fucking once upon a time in America. Like, we remember every single thing that you're talking about. At the end of an episode of Tremay, I remember what happened at the beginning of that episode of Tremay. You're right. They would be the exact same length. That's very true. Yeah, so they just do this whole thing and they're like, you know what?

Yeah, you're right, White, even though you are a gigantic piece of shit and everybody hates you. Yeah, look, they showed, like, he went to these guys house. use the antenna for a football game this woman stood him up at prom obviously and everyone's like oh I guess we are rotten pieces of garbage how about that

who knew? Who knew? I'm just treating somebody that's less fortunate to be like shit who knew it was a town full of monsters like a fucking Twilight Zone episode the monsters on Maple Street uh yeah so then cut to you know he's like well I don't want to go home and put my head

in the oven let's go to the mall I was going to shoot myself with a shotgun, but my feet are too small. So he prays to the god of capitalism that the mall was left unlocked. And thankfully it was. And he walks in and he goes to like the center of the mall. And it's like, oh my God, he's going to fucking kill himself and the place he loves dearest. It's filled like a church though. It's got the echo.

It's quiet. He's like, well, I don't usually ask for things. But footlocker, could you bless me with a service? good luck of what and then sandler comes out and he's like uh hey i just wanted to apologize like fuck you you been mean sharp an image cut me down and you know then kevin neelan comes out and he's like no whitey you know davy's right he told us we've been terrible people so even though the town majority ruled that you did not win this award we decided instead that you can win by default and john levitz comes out and gives the fucking dumb award

to him and then magically the lights in this place beam up like the ballroom scene and beauty in the beast and all these people are just magically in this mall like packing into the rafters goblin and the pig and all the past

winners of this stupid thing start tearing their patches off their shirts and throwing them at him. The three boobed woman throws all three of her patches down because that's erotic. I came to a apologize, Whitey. Well, there's nothing to apologize for Stowe, because you were right.

Nobody does care about me. I don't think that's true. Do you, Mr. Mayor? Whitey, tonight, for the first time in years, your partner, Davy Stone, actually did a good thing for this community. What I do, steal beer for everyone? No, Eleanor. He opened my eyes to what a great man your brother is and how many.

neglectful we've all been. And then from there, you know, we go on to, all right, now we took care of that. We have to go on. And Adam Sandler's got to finish his character arc of winning the big basketball game, making sure he stays out of jail and loves the hot. Oh, I'm sorry. The Christmas credits start. No, it really, like, everyone's clapping for Whitey.

And then Eleanor is like, hey, are you two hold heads? Now you're married and walks away. And it's like, oh, okay. Yeah, he just, she puts the two of them to. together and it's like all right well that's not earned in any capacity but fine i'm gonna pick up the skips job here here you go and then the credits roll and the movie's over with the main character doesn't do anything he doesn't complete his journey so he's not technically a main character hasn't learned a fucking thing but to be nice to that little goblin yeah the little white nugget is the main character

of this movie a little kid comes out at the end he goes i came and let it end That actually it ends with Whitey having his seizure And he says this hilarious line Don't worry folks Whitey's okay This is the happy seizure of my life See I told you That's your movie

That's what you pay Like you should just be like Don't you feel bad that you paid full price for a movie That's barely 61 minutes long Hey parents don't be mad at me me, be mad at yourself. Your minimum payment on your credit card just went up by

50 bucks. Good night. Your shitty kids wanted sour-batch kids too, I bet. And then the credits roll over the Hanukkah song Part 3. I don't know there was a two.

No, they're even doing. It's just because there's so many other, there's so many hilarious Jewish rhymes we can make. Yep. And, I mean, the Hanukkah song is what this movie should be. It's like, do you feel down because you're a Jewish kid at Christmas and nothing, you know, nobody understands your holiday?

Well, here's something for us all to enjoy. Right. That's not what this movie is at all. No, not in any capacity. Philip Roth's Eight Crazy Nights? I want it. Give it to me. I'm ready for it, but that's not what this is.

No, this is Adam Sandler sucks his own dick, the movie. Yeah. That's what this is. part what aren't we on now like 12 yeah this this completes the first set the first set of a two set box package of him sucking his own cock in the movie that'd be a great like big blu-ray package it's just like it's like the snake eating itself but it's adam sandler sucking his own dick the fallatio 14 and it's like grownups and god god five copies of that's my boy uh now i'm not even gonna with would you recommend this movie but fucking way I will I will close us out with this it's a 68 minute movie

is this a get really tweaked and like you have to see it to believe it kind of a situation because it's not like you're totally wasting a night on it there's going to be pictures on the Facebook page I assume of the deers with the

shit in their teeth you're saying that's it that's all you need that's really I mean you can go on YouTube and find a clip where you can hear what fucking white he sounds like but I don't know I kind of I think you do need to see it to believe it because it's just I could we told you how bad it is and I I was telling Andrew I've told Andrew has had this on his schedule for months and I've been telling you how bad this movie is and you're like yeah yeah yeah but you were surprised I imagine I was very surprised I was like I got it Steve it's a bad movie comedy show we'll figure it out when we get there And good Lord. I mean, I agree more with you, Steve. I think it's seeing as believing.

And it's 68 minutes. And then please, whatever you do, immediately turn around and put something worthwhile on. You can't go to sleep with that fucking poison on your eyes. Or eternal sunshine clinic. Oh, that's just about as crazy as I remembered it. Don't you love what we just did for you? Oh, man. You know, I'll do take objection with one thing in that episode, if I remember correctly.

I think you were against... Island drinks and Chinese restaurants? Is that, oh, yeah, the big drinks? Oh, I'm a fan. Really? You're getting a zombie in a Chinese restaurant? Absolutely. Really?

A zombie I can handle. It's the Scorpion bowls that I think are just a little too gaudy. Oh, no, I'm not going to my toe in that. No, sir, I'm going to restrain yourself. The bold drinks is what I have a problem with. I mean, I've had those big bowl drinks. There is a tiki bar in Brooklyn that we've gone to a few times. that's where you have those.

Not at a Chinese restaurant. I don't understand the connection. Fun. Sure. Makes sense. You know, when I am sitting in a Chinese restaurant eating sesame chicken, I'm like, you know, I wish this was more fun.

I wish I was having more time. To me, it's like, having fun. I wish I stood out a little bit more in this restaurant. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Hey, man, everybody's doing it. So wait, what's the one that? Do you set one of these on fire?

Bring me that one. Yeah. Yeah, set that one. That's danger. Let's make a scene. Let's really make a scene right now. You guys eat Chinese food like cowering in the corner. Don't look at me.

Don't look at me. Well, it's eating Chinese food. Dude, embrace it, man. Amount of fried dumplings I can put away. I want to be in the corner. Nobody looking at me. Oh, boiled, end fried. Both of them.

Oh, man. You actually recorded me? Yeah, that was unseen audio. Chris had a dumpling house. All right, so clue for the first. Final rerun of the summer. Samuel Jackson. Oh, man, running with Samuel Jackson.

That could be any movie. He's in every movie. Every movie we've done on the show has had Samuel Jackson in it. That's the problem. And if he's not on screen, it's like scenes deleted or he was best boy for a lot. I'm actually a little shocked he's not in Space Jam. Oh, no, no, he is in there. Oh, is he?

Oh, okay. You'll see he's animated as a background character on Moron Mountain. Oh, great. Yeah, his voice pops up for half a second, yeah. I was going to say he voices a cartoon that doesn't have any lines. Oh, great. Yeah. Oh, he does a Welker.

He gets shot in the head by some gangsters. And you're like, oh, wow, I didn't know he was in this movie, but there he is. So until next week with Samuel Jackson, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Eric Siskin. Steve and Taylor. Enjoy the summer. Thank you.