We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Summer Rerun - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Episode Date: August 11, 2015

Original Air Date: December 4th, 2012 What the gang thought of the film: "If anyone can handle a Fuck You, it's George Lucas." - Andrew Jupin "They should've just... Not done it." Eric Szyszka "It's definitely The Gobbler who's to blame for this, I feel." - Chris Cabin "What happened? Did life get in the way?" - Steve Sajdak on why they didn't crank out five Indy films in the 80s as originally planned. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull stars Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone, John Hurt and Jim Broadbent; directed by Steven Spielberg. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Thank you. I've got my Mai Tai here. It was a little umbrella in it. Oh, yeah, man. Island life. Island life. By that, we mean Staten Island. You see, and I'm finally getting fully acclimated to being bald,

so I actually am putting sun tan lotion on my head. Oh, you're finally just acknowledging. Oh, man. You're gleaming the dome there. Leaming the dome, yes. When does the interview start, boys? Welcome to the second W.HM summer rerun. We got the whole gang here to introduce Indiana Jones.

And John Reese Davies, all the way to Staten Island. Oh, look at all these racists. No, there's good people there, too. The ferry was beautiful, but everything else sucks. You know, I saw a thing the other day, and so by the time this airs, this will be months ago. But some, like, skishead downtown got busted for charging a group. of tourists $400 to ride

the Staten Island ferry. Are you kidding me? Inside joke for no one who's visited here before, that boat's fucking free. Also, a hot dog is not $30. Yeah, another dude got busted for that down at the World Trade Center. They were like, oh yeah, $30 for this hot dog,

which that one is on you, tourists. What hot dog ever? Unless Hannibal made the hot dog. He put a lot of craftsmanship into that stuff. Exactly right. This hot dog was made up of a very rude person.

That sounds like a racist Japanese. That's what he sounds like. In your head. Yeah. Jeez. Yikes. So this episode, one of the like all time heaviest hitters in show history, we broke the 10 year rule for this.

What the fuck was this for? This was an anniversary. Yeah, I think this was our second year anniversary. Oh, was that what it was when we were doing anniversary shows, which we didn't do for the first year. I don't think. Well, why would you celebrate your one? Celebrating a year on the air.

We did actually. Did we get wired again? Oh, that's, oh, you're totally right. Wow, we pat ourselves on the back a lot. Sure do. Sure to enjoy doing what we do. Welcome to Victory Laps on We Hate Movies. So, yeah, this is, you know, the Ray Winstone impressions are here.

The Sala impressions are all over the place. Interdimensional aliens. Yeah, that's in the actual movie, though. We didn't make that part of. The shame and disappointment for Steven Spielberg. Was this the episode where Sibulba is available was invented? It's entirely possible. I mean, the glittered duel of the dicks, I forget.

Yeah, well, you find out, listener. Yeah, that's true. So enjoy Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Where do you begin with a movie like this? This is a movie that I'm pretty sure everybody has seen. Yeah, it's universal. universally see. Yeah, it's one of those things where, like, no matter what it is, I mean, even now, if they were to make a fifth one of these fucking movies, I'd have to go see it.

Of course you would. Yeah, it's Indiana Jones. You got to see it. I, you know, does everybody know that there's a thing that they wanted to do five movies right from the asset? That's a thing. Oh, I actually didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, they had, like, they were going to do five, and that's like, you know, what they intended in the 80s or whatever.

Did they intend the Crystal Skoll in the 80s? No. Don't think so. That's a... What happened? Did life get in the way? Just raised and family. Like, yeah, we wanted to make five of them, but just...

I don't know. I don't think the technology was there to make a shitty-looking plastic skull prop. John Hurt was the one holdout for this. This script was written in 1987, and he's just like, I'm busy. I'm going to wait till I'm really owed and decrepit. Oh, that's an acting decision. I think we should listen to him. Let's wait a little bit.

Wait a decade. He's one of several people that does nothing in this movie. It's a really, this movie turns into a really crappy role-playing game with a really useless party. Because it's just, you've got your main characters, and then it's like, you meet this guy in the village, and he's got a pretty cool power, and he comes along with you. And then there's a blacksmith who's got some good shit. And then there's a shitty greaser that no one wants to come along anyway.

but he's going to be the one that attracts all the young kids to your game so you have to bring him you got to get that neophyte fighter in the groove yeah i mean they each have their powers one has greed one has cool and one has complete fucking madness ray wins that does have a level 10 greed in this movie gold oh i love me gold oh my sweet pretty beautiful gold jones he leaves so i can be naked with the gold would fuck some of those gold bars if given the opportunity if there's like one of those gold monkeys he'd fuck that gold monkey come here gold monkey I'm gonna fuck you I'm all bugger

this gold monkey for a second I'm gonna lick my sweaty lips while I do he's a fucking pig in this movie he would Scrooge McDuck that judge I just was gonna sing but but I believe his voice is more of a glum gold

I'll tell you this though if he's swimming around in a gold pool, you're definitely seeing Ray Winstone in one of those European-style banana hands. Oh, no. Come on, go-pool. Sexy beasts, right? Oh, it's so hot if I was

gold pool. It's so bloody hot. Fuck you, I'm beautiful. The sun is reflecting off the gold. He's getting a sunburn all over his body at all times while this is happening. The gold's so hot.

Now I'm being burned by my gold. scald me, gowl, burn my skin. But it's a good burn like a gonorrhea. You know you've been somewhere when you've got a pile of golden gonorrhea. I've lived, haven't I? I think that's his final decision. Which we'll get to.

So, yeah, it's been a long time since we've seen Indiana Jones and been on an adventure with him. Is that 88 or 89? 90. It's 90. No, 89. We were talking about this the other day

and I mixed up back to the future three which was like 93 with Indy Last Crusade. You put me on the wrong track. I'm sorry. And last crusade, I mean, like, we can go really quickly. Raiders and the Lost Dark classic amazing American movie no doubt about it.

Temple of Doom, not fun for some people. A lot of cool stuff in Temple of Doom. It's historically significant because it was the film that forced the PG their teen rating to be created. So that's kind of something, probably something to do with all those heart rips.

Yes, so many heart rips. And I like, and I love that the Mind cart's great. Good sequence in that movie. It is also in this in the Lucas Spielberg Overture. It's the first prequel. Oh yeah. It takes place before Raiders. That's right. Also fantastically racist,

which you want. And they just eat monkey brains. You Indian people. Indy, this country smells. Shut up and eat your snake soup. You don't want to offend that. Man, chilled monkey brains. I heard that shit makes you crazy.

That's a scientific fact. I don't know where I was reading that, but it just made me think, oh, my God, they could have gone bat shit insane in Temple and Too. Well, that, I mean, that explains, um, that explains Clue a lot better He just all went fucking crazy They're all hallucinating

Because worms are eating their brains Last Crusade Amazing movie It's not I mean it's not What Rated to the Lost Ark is But it's so great It's a really fun movie

It's like really living in the world That they set up And it's great Now here's a question about Last Crusade Is that As far as we know Because he ain't dead yet But I mean

let's be realistic. Is that the last time we saw Sean Connery try at a movie? I thought it was before that. Entrapment? No, I'm kidding. Oh, well, the Avengers, no. No, the Rock. The Rock.

Okay. Stand corrected. But, I mean, it's still a really great movie. It's not, yeah, I mean, I agree. It's not better than Raiders, but I'd say it's pretty damn close. Yeah, that's neck and neck. It's two really perfect movies that's saying,

sandwich kind of a little turd in the middle. And then there's this. And I, you know, yeah, it's a bad movie. It made this show. I still think there's a lot of positive parts about it. But for all the positive parts, there's probably about two or three negative parts to go along with it. Should also quickly mention that we are, obviously, for going the 10-year rule for the anniversary show. Yeah, of course.

And for anyone who's new to the show doesn't know, one thing we try to keep ourselves to on this show as much as possible. And it's been broken before. and been being broken today and we'll be broken again. But we try to do shows that have been around for at least 10 years or older. This is really our treat yourself day. This is treat yourself. Oh, you're so right. Oh, what a great way to put it.

We are treating ourselves today. We try to keep Eric, myself, and Chris separated as much as far as we don't have all four of us around. It just gets ugly. We can't sit on the same couch, I'll tell you that word. Because everybody gets handsy. All right. So this flick is Indiana Jones is picking up that teaching gig again. Do we start at the beginning?

I mean, I will say this about the beginning of this movie. It changes the format of an Indiana Jones movie, which in a way is kind of like the intro. The intro of an Indiana Jones movie up until this one is like the intro of a James Bond movie. There's like a, a separate action set piece that may or may not have something to do with the rest of the movie, but for the most part, it does

it. That's what those indie movies have. This one, though, starts right in, you get major characters, major plot points, and the villain revealed all within like five minutes. And it opens on, instead of, you know, sometimes they would like to do like a mountain that sort of

looks like the Paramount Mountain. Right, yeah. This time they do it with a big old CGI prairie dog hole or whatever. That just tells you what the fuck like it's been 13 years or like you know however long I'm so excited to see this movie again it's been math ago it's been a lot

of math ago and and you just see this fucking computer mirror cat like all hope is dead see you later I will say this though this is the third time I've seen this movie I saw twice in the theaters and then that was it I had a distinct impression built in my brain that that

prairie dog smiles at him that doesn't happen that doesn't happen but yeah i kind of had like this prairie dog like peeps up like top of the morning do you and me this fucking goes away that doesn't happen but yeah which is a shame because you're introduced to computer effects right at the beginning of this movie and that's something that you know this franchise was known for having great practical effects strewn throughout the whole thing and this is this is computer town unfortunately which really sucks oh yeah i mean like the the whole series is uh supposed to be like old school entertainments and they

Like the serials. Yeah, like the serials. I mean, there's like a lot of references here. You can see a lot of John Ford stuff here. And towards the end, you see like Tarzan and fucking, uh, like, Arrell Flynn swashbucklers and stuff like that. Yeah. But the fact, like, and what was so cool about those other movies was that you had the

practical old school effects to go with the old school ideas. But now we have this fucking CGI everywhere. And it's definitely the gobbler who is, uh, to blame for this, I feel. Yeah, it is attack of the gobbler. because I think it's known and admitted to that the gobbler is responsible for the whole ancient aliens element

and when you got ancient aliens you of course have a spaceship that's going to take off and if you have a spaceship taken off in 2008 it's going to be a fucking computer spaceship I mean who's kidding who here so I think you know Spielberg had said like he wanted to keep the whole you know that's practical effects it's a very

back to basics movie in a lot of ways it is he's the DP that he hired to shoot the movie studied the way the original trilogy was shot to make it, you know, replicate the look at the film and stuff. So that part you can control. You got a fucking huge city-side spaceship that's going to take off. You're using a goddamn, you know, MacBook Pro on this fucker.

Just to, we're going on the differences a little bit. Just to talk about that a little more. The fact that they use these aliens that are like, I'm responsible for starting like all mankind, societies and civilizations and all that. Right. Sort of goes against, for me, I feel like it sort of goes against the original. movies that were very like sanctimonious about God like like God exists in those movies and it's like a big element to it so now what I wonder so God must did God I guess I don't know if God

so God exists did he create these interdimensional aliens that then shits around and starts up civilization it's like it's like Scientology meets creationism like that's what we're dealing with it's confusing humans and God aliens living together learning lessons and having adventures. I don't care, Stephen. I just want all the aliens and I want computer effects and I want little computer animals that are adorable and I want you to grease my gobbler. Grees it good. Get in there. Chrisco made this special for me. Chrisco's George Lucas gobbler lube. Oh God. Gobloob. But to that I would say this, right? If you if the whole idea is like these are serialized stories and they're just going to be told and there's really no

kind of continuity to them in a way. And again, it's sort of like a reference to the James Bond franchise. I just bought that box set, so I'm just bond. You're all bond. We're all skyfall crazy over here. Oh, yeah. Some would say you're in bondage. I am. I am.

I'm of James human bondage. No, but this idea of like, okay, every story's kind of like a reset, right? So it's like, all right, he's doing God's stuff in that original trilogy. See, that's the problem like viewing this as a reset is wrong because it references

those old movies nonstop and that's why it can't get me out it's just reminding me of a better movie that arc in that because they go to Area 51 I mean you've seen the sequence, you've seen the movie, you don't have to go to the whole thing but they go into Area 51, Indy finds the crystal skull and it's all the different boxes

and I think it's not even like because I was watching this with my girlfriend she's like oh did that say really small arc of the covenant? No no it's really overt I'm like really and it they show like arc of the fucking covenant a boxer explodes. It pops out like a

WrestleMania logo. Apparently, I didn't notice this. I was reading up on the internet about this movie. And apparently there's a replica of Moses staff. You know, the Moses movie. What is that? Commandments. Yeah, there you go. Anyway, there's a replica of Moses staff

in there too, which what does that fucking say? Why is that hanging out in Area 51? The American government owns that. Aliens made that too. Yeah, probably. That's what this is saying. Moses's real day was Kremelak. The alien.

This is where we're introduced to Ray Winstone. And the thing is like, all right, so there's been a long period of treasure. There's been a long period of time between the last movie of this with 20 years. We do a cool thing where it's like, it's not the 40s anymore. It's almost the 60s, so we're not like pretending Indiana Jones that are younger than he is. But he's had all these adventures we have no idea about. And they all involved Ray Winston. Totally.

It's like he got a fucking dog partner. And they had all sorts of wacky adventures throughout the last decade. I mean, it's been, it's supposedly been exactly 10 years, I think, is the deal. They say something about, is it 10 years? When was last crusade? It can't be because the Nazis are still a. round. And this takes place in 57. So 10 years would be

1947. So 45 or 44 kind of a thing? Yeah, or earlier. I don't know. It's definitely pre 1945. I can tell you that much. From the state of Berlin alone. Oh, actually, no. You know what? Sorry. They reference an adventure 10 years ago, but

the adventure 10 years ago was 1947 was the Roswell incident. That is the ridiculous thing in this movie that they put out there. That Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones, is involved with the crash in Roswell, New Mexico. They bring him in on a bus to check out the remains, but why? He's an archaeologist.

He specializes in judo-Christianity. What does he have to do with this? Hey, get that Jones fellow on the phone. This might be some sort of angel. Hey, who's that guy that found that ghost box? Bring him in. What are we talking? Strata, turn, can't touch it.

That's all he does is. Rock of Gibraltar or Buzz? That would have been a good one. He's looking for the Rock of Gibraltar. Can't find the goddamn rock. He is a grumbly old fuck in this movie. It's kind of great. I'll tell you this, though.

And everybody's like, oh, Harrison Ford's a grumbly, this, that, and the other thing. That was like the big criticism in this movie. Find me a fucking time when he wasn't a grumbly old fuck. You know when he was a grumbly old fuck? His cameo, an American graffiti. But he hadn't been George Lucas's houseman. for like six months he's in this movie I don't want a drag race

I don't give a fuck like he has grumbled his way through a 40 year career okay solo's temperamental too yeah no exactly his entire career has been I don't give a fuck like the man has mastered becoming a

millionaire movie star without giving a lick of care to what you're doing the man walked into getting frozen in carbonate presumably for the rest of his existence and said fuck it oh yeah you love me

I know fuck it all right see you later honey I'm gonna weep about it I'm gonna get frozen in carbon I he didn't want he didn't want to be frozen with tears on his face that would make all those collectible figurines a lot shittier console was prepared to die with

dignity and you know we got to respect that oh lady you want a handkerchief I'm about to be fucking frozen yeah you want him to fall in love right then and there before he goes to his death pit he's got to be like he's got to keep a little distance between this chick how many of those Indiana Jones adventures that we don't get to see are probably better than the adventure in this movie oh any of them

probably except for young Indiana Jones I would like to put out there though with all this like alien chit-chat and this that and the other thing this Indiana Jones movie is Fox Mulder's favorite Indiana for sure he's sitting there like oh my god Scully they're talking about Roswell isn't that great that's not how that happened that's totally incorrect but yeah so and yeah it's just undercover blues syndrome and it's just like I'll remember Tahiti when I was wearing a bifong you know what I found in Tahiti Indy go and gonorrhea it was my ghost it was my ghost Alderia summer.

That's stupid. Windstone turns on them. Indiana Jones gets into a rocket race or who gives the shit and winds up in and we can start here, a town that is made for nuclear test. It's a real thing. No, I know. I'm not saying that that's...

Your tone implied, okay, Steven Spielberg. You're fucking moron. I think that tone is there because he makes it out of this town. Thank you, Eric. It's very... stupid of course we're referring to the infamous nuke the fridge scene which by the way all these people out there that try to replace nuke the fridge you know in place of jumping the shark just

fucking stop it I'm never ever going to do that it will always be jump the shark because you know what the Fonz is more important than Indiana Jones yeah I mean I was going to say that's a bold statement but then I thought it through because I caught myself it's a perfectly same thing to say Wait, wait, for me, Indiana Jones is really important. But, yeah, the Fonz. The Fons is responsible for exactly 1.4 of American culture, which is a large percent. The Fons is probably also responsible for, like, a lot of babies. Like in the real world, though, people like, you know, he's a Genghis Khan.

I want to be cool, like, the Fons trying to get with this lady. Oh, for a minute, I thought you meant like Henry Winkler just went out there and started. No, he's probably got a sensible number of kids. no i just read you a lot of fun and i'm not so sensible amount of illegitimate i just mean a lot of fun's cosplay that's all so the problem with this fridge is that okay i would say the fridge has the least amount of problems in this scene right okay the problem with this movie it's it's so he's in this uh nuclear test site that's set up like suburbia and a nuke is about to drop drop drop he puts himself in the fridge it's blown to shit and it's a new remember it's a nuke so he lands like a mile outside of town opens it up is able to walk isn't blight bleeding from the mouth isn't fucking like how is he not getting knocked around yeah you know what you want me to buy that he'll you want me to suspend disbelief a little bit believe that he lives through this fine i need to see broken limbs and i need to see a concussion at minimum he's

He should be vomiting up his teeth as well, I think. Totally. If a Pittsburgh Steeler hits a fucking New York jet, somebody gets a concussion. If someone's in a fucking refrigerator and it goes through the sky, falls like a bowling ball falling down the stairs. It is rolling through the desert. They show impact. This is 1957, by the way. This is pre-plast.

That is a fucking iron coffin if I ever saw one. But it's just, that's another one of those things I feel. Stephen, you're going to put that in the movie. I mean, this is why would you not put that in the movie? It was my idea. There has to be a mushroom cloud. We have to see it. I will say what the good thing that you get out of that is a very nice image of Indiana Jones standing looking at this mushroom.

Also, turn away. Like, you're just sitting there soaking it in like a sun tan. Dude, it's 1957. All the facts weren't in yet. But I agree with you. And I'm sure that scene was. sold on that image. Right. The idea that, oh, man, he was just going to walk next to a fucking mushroom cloud.

Or how about he just walks next to a mushroom cloud? Does he have to be in it initially? Yeah, he walks further. If he just stood up and saw it and then just passed out and then three months later, he's okay, I almost deal with it. I kind of want a helicopter to go over his head and the Rolling Stones play. Like, that's a cool movie. Robert Duval's yelling shit. Yeah, absolutely.

You're not from around here, are you? Where is that you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones? Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wabwees, I should think maybe eastern Ukraine. Highest marks. Colonel Dr. Irina Spalco. Uh, Cape Blanchett in this movie. Good. Yeah, right?

What do we think here? I mean, here's my issue, is that there's no real, I never feel threatened by her. Like, she's a fine villain, and she's doing her best with this kind of character. can't be villain. Oh, yeah. But that's what I kind of missed from the other movies is that there was some sense of threat from a, like, pick one, Julian Glover, Michael

Byrne, Amrish Puri, all those guys, the villains. They were all threatening and you all saw, you see them kill people. Yeah. So there's some sense of like, here's stakes in this movie. Somebody can die and it's not just going to be, you know, walking through a nuclear

Holocaust. Yeah. By the way, in Raiders, Belloc, a French archaeologist, is more menacing. But Cape Blanchett's kind of like, you know that old expression about like a woman eating ketchup popsicle with white gloves and she doesn't get any on her? That's Kate Blanchett as an actor. She could do anything and she walks out looking like a million bucks because she's just that good of an actress. And I mean, like, yeah,

I totally agree that the character is flawed. But her performance is really good. Her performance is really good. I mean, yeah, she can polish up a turd and make it look pretty okay. Absolutely. You know, I mean, she's done her fair share of bad movies just like anybody else. But, you know, I think it's okay. But I agree with you. It's not a threatening character.

I mean, the most interaction she has as far as, like, fighting characters is that Shailabuff sword fight. Like, she doesn't really, am I remembering it wrong? I mean, last night seems like forever ago. But, I mean, she doesn't really fight Indiana Jones. Because the other thing that's annoying is by the end of this movie, she's just resigned herself to, okay I'm not going to capture them Ray Winstone's just going to leave a trail of breadcrumbs and I'm just going to follow Indiana Jones

to the treasure because I know that that's the easiest way to do things How about not going to the treasure Indiana Jones That's exactly what they want You didn't start this movie looking for this piece of shit Like you do other movies And that happens every movie Every time you're trying to beat the guy

To the treasure the guy's just following you Every fucking time Because he has that idea of like, you know, it's like a do no harm type of thing. Like he feels like he thinks that this Aztec culture has been robbed and he's

trying to return this thing to where he thinks it belongs. The big problem here, Indiana Jones, is you take one look at that thing and you know that it's aliens. There's no way this is an Aztec with a tied off head. I know they did body modification, stuff like that.

But you know what that skull is? An alien skull. and there's not a single person who's going to tell you otherwise. There's no mystery whatsoever to that. The first time you see that skull in that movie, I was like, well, that's an alien. You watch Kate Blanchett to cut it out of an alien's fucking face in the first five seconds.

That hand, and there's all that dry ice in there. There are way too many dead aliens in this movie. There's one in Area 51. She has another, I guess, you know, and then she rips its head open. Or is it the same one? But, like, it's still. There's that cutaway scene when that aliens.

go to grocery shopping, it just has a heart attack right in the middle of the mall. It's really unfortunate. Speaking of... And then Ray Winston comes, oh, that crystal skull in there! Could I have to rip it up. I'm going to rip out the alien's golden terns.

Security to JCPenney. Just a dead alien amongst a pile of slacks. Ray Winston's trying to rip this skull out of this thing. They're the only beans made out of pure treasure. Something's being torn apart by a person over by the St. John's Bay section. Ray Brinston was there to pick up some XXL St. John's Bay. I got to buy myself some new gold-hotting slacks.

They're the only shorts that fit, they do. You're telling me, you're all at a cargo pants. The one thing that really bugs me about this movie is the Patriotivist, rah, rah, ra, ra, which happens, it starts just after the Area 51 sequence where Indies being debriefed by Neil Flynn of Scrubs of all people, which is a nice little cameo. You get work where you can take. It's better than fucking the middle. Well, it happens even before that.

There's an early scene where after they shoot the five guys guarding Area fucking 51, they go right, they're doing like a pant up. And the American flag literally blanks out the screen for a minute. what are you going to do i mean that's i don't care about that i don't care about that but indiana jones is apolitical he's he's he's an archaeologist that's trying to get things in museum so the world can do it he's like he's like kind of a man of the world in the first three movies but in this he's an american spy for some reason and he won all these medals for some reason fought in the war but in all those original movies he's a guy that is like

trying to do things for himself for the archaeological community and he just kind of runs of Fallon Nazis and everybody hates Nazis. He's not a guy that's fighting the war for America. Well, I like the idea in all those other movies is also, he wants to get these things for historical purposes. He wants to put him in the museum so everybody can see

them, everybody can study them, versus people who want it for very specific ideas of like corrupt power. Yeah, nation. It's like, I could get this stuff for the good of mankind and toward Hitler at the same time, two birds, one stuff. He specifically

has a problem with authority figures he's got a problem with the U.S. government in those movies. Top men. You know? He's being shut out. They call him Colonel Jones at one point. It's like, come on everybody. It's a really weird like, what have you been

doing since we last saw you? And in last crusade, they finished their mission. Sure, they kill some Nazis, but they've got no evidence of having seen the Holy Grail. No. Anything like that. So I mean, what do you do?

Just go down to, like, your local police station. Yeah, I killed five Nazis. Where's my medal? You redeem it? You get the UPCs from those dead Nazis. You bring it some Tarantino-esque scalps. Here they are. Where's my application to sign up?

Well, you're a savage. There's no way to prove these are Germans. DNA really didn't happen yet. Sorry. Quick, hilarious detail. Ray Winston says, that the reason he's working with these Soviets is because he's got a serious gambling debt.

Does he? Yeah, yeah. And he wants the communists to take over the world so that that capitalism, that gambling debt will just be washed away. Because he says something, because he's like apologetic for turning on Indiana Jones and he's like,

sorry, Indy, that tabs run out. I got a lot of gambling debts I do. He says, I'm a capitalist. Like, that's just like a blanket term. Like, yeah, I'll fuck you over for that. But he calls him Jonesy. Hello, Jonesy. Oh, it's the worst.

Jonesy and Mac. I guarantee you Indiana Jones would be like, don't call me, don't. I really, don't do it. Indie's worse than enough. Like, I'm fucking named after the family dog. Will you please stop with your Jonesy? The dog?

You named after the dog. Open up Michelson. Review Chapter 4. When I come back, we'll discuss the difference between migration and Exodus. Then we go back to campus life. Campus life was always one of my favorite parts of these Indiana Jones movies. And this isn't terrible.

No, it's good stuff. But the bummer about it all is because he's been, you know, ousted from the U.S. government. Now he's blacklisted and the FBI is investigating him and everything because they think he's a commie. That's, you know, you know, straight up, commie red scare. and so Jim Broadbent's got to come in the middle of a lecture and tell him that he was fired and he treats Jim Broadbent like shit

absolute human garbage in this movie and then he's like I fucking resign for his like I don't even think he really feels bad about it he's like just come back to my house for some scotch it cuts he like there's a mournful face and then it just cuts back to the house them just drinking that was another thing too Indiana Jones at home that's an interesting story

yeah but he's just always drinking with professors talking about really smart things. I feel like at some point if the timelines matched up better Michael Douglas and Wonder Boys could come over and they would hang out and talk about what it's like to work at a college. I'd watch that movie in a fucking heartbeat.

Oh, are you kidding me? That would be phenomenal. Just bitching about the dean. And then the 1950s U.S. government catches a joint between them and throws them into some dystopian prison. They're finished because of marriage.

Jane. Yeah. So also, by the way, the whole thing is Kate Blanchett wants this skull, because she... Come on, skull. She has got a... She's in a division of the, you know, the Soviet, you know, military or whatever. Investigating Crystal Skulls and other paranormal and psychic activities.

It's kind of the original X-Files. It kind of is. Stalin was actually very much into this and especially Crystal Skulls. He had a little interest in, so it like matches up nicely. She's like someone else I know. named Adolf Hitler. Totally, man. He probably learned it from Hitler. He's like, oh,

he's interested in that wacky shit possibly giving him world dominating powers. Maybe I should do that. Honestly, if you have the resources, why not, right? I mean, you've got so many people. I feel like that's always that thing, right? It's like, we have so many people and it's like, oh, what's this guy going to do?

Paranormal research division. Fascism by hand's been working so far, but maybe we should go paranormal with this. We don't need three guys waiting in the truck. Why don't you go find something? Scully, Stalin wants us to find these crystal skulls. Mulder, you know that they're lying to you. Scully, how many fucking things do you need to see before you believe in anything?

At least eight more. And a werewolf. Once you get abducted by aliens for some reason, then I'll magically become the one who believes in everything. That's an amazingly unbelievable turn in that show. like she witnesses Mulder get abducted and then the next season she's like come on Robert Patrick stop being so ignorant you're like now I just spent

seven years watching you shoot this shit down left and right yeah so she wants it because and this is a little vague correct me if I'm wrong but she's like they're going to tell us everything it's a window into everything and that's another thing of the other movies like all the idols like there's a

very specific power that they want to get from it that and they're going to do something very specific and deadly with it yeah in this one it's just kind of like rambling around we we know that these are important skulls these alien skulls matter but that's kind of it we don't really know what they're going to do what the power is going to be well the potential power i think is that kate blanchette wants to use the skulls to somehow do like a mind control of the world like influence u.s. politicians oh that's right it's a real mansurian candidate yeah they just want to like get everything under that iron curtain but i feel like even in those situations you have to show some sense of of what they're working towards. And like, you know, just being like, you know, this is what we're going to do and then not talk about it or show it ever again.

Right. Well, if this is like the first step in the plan, like step one, obtain crystal skull for mind control powers. Step two, get a person in the White House that we have under our control. Like, I feel like that's, like the Manchurian candidate is the movie where, you know, they succeeded in getting the Crystal Skull, you know. And his name is John F. Kennedy. Imagine Michael Dukakis was a fucking Manchurian candidate and you just couldn't get in there.

Dodge that bullet I think that would be the problem It's like at the end of the day They're not going to campaign that well He's the robots Yeah he's like No no no He should pose with the tank

It'll look strong Yes I will pose with the tank It will make me look strong I feel like you could spot A Manchurian candidate A mile away If you really paid attention I feel like in the age of blogging

You can't have a Manchurian candidate All those YouTube videos Someone would put that shit together great reason in this movie it's a great example of why you never say no to Steven Spielberg he'll fucking kill your character on they asked Sean Connery like hey Sean Conner

you want to be in this movie and he was like nah I'm retired it's cool he's fucking dead in this movie oh yeah you don't want to be in this one well if we make another one it's impossible for you to be in it because you're dead well and with the other movies like we were talking about the home scenes

there was always those scenes and I loved them when like he's looking over notes and there's like this ominous score in the background and he's just like and this guy went missing and all these people got wiped down all these things in this one he's really just talking about how Brody and Sean Connery died and like it's a very sentimental like sappy scene

instead of this like get us amped for this adventure right is so concerned about the story and the history of the legacy is all that matters but it's also just repeating and repeating and repeating stuff from the other movies like when Shia LaBeou finally comes around. It's to basically tell him that this professor you were friends with has gone missing.

And it's like, where have I fucking heard that before? This time it's your father. That time it's someone else. No, totally. And I mean, all the references like that. Like, okay, Denholm Elliott, the actor that played Brody is dead in real life. He's dead when they made this movie. So, okay, fine.

You know what? Just don't. I don't need a statue of him. stopping a speeding car like he's still helping out the team yeah no just let him be fucking exactly he died under tragic circumstances like just have a nice stayed wonderful thing and john hurt is basically replacing the marcus brodie roll as the absent-minded professor that's in the in the hands of the enemy that's going cuckoo which you think that's going to be jim broadbent right right oh awesome jim broadbent's going to be on this adventure he has his class of scotch and he goes home

the next time you see him he's like wiping his brow before that shit-ass wedding scene I kind of really want the NBC show The Absid Minded Professor starring John Hurt Now what chapters did I assign last week And it's such a shame that he has to act the way he does in this movie Because he's such a phenomenal actor And he's just playing this like comatose Bella Ligosi white zombie looking fucking thing And you're like come on man Give this guy something to do

so indie gets on a train and is stopped by everybody's least favorite part of this movie like it's almost like cliche to talk about how terrible he is he's terrible yeah but shylobuff in this movie and by the way though i would disagree with you i mean ray winstone is my least favorite part of this movie that's true i find shylobuff tolerable in this movie i don't find him tolerable in a lot it's just his general face and demeanor attitude the way his voice sounds the way his hair looks yeah the thing is i actually Actually, he's not the issue. This is a direction and decision for the most part that I just don't like. And the writing decision, it's David Kep wrote it. Yeah, well, everybody had a little finger on this. 15 people. David Kep's the one that had to take the fucking fall.

Yeah, he did. Yeah, get in there, Kep. You'll get the writing credit. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, you did write this, didn't you? Huppet, hop it, hop a potato. Fucked. That's what the script was.

You did write this movie. It wasn't me at all, Ribbet. By the way, the worst part about this is Lubb's character's name is mutt. And he's dressed like Marlon Brando in the wild one. So not only are you saying, guess what, this kid is the new Harrison Ford, which is sort of what this nod is. Oh, yeah, 100%. Now he's also Marlon Brando? Like, just pick one to Sully.

And you know what, have it be Brando because he's fucking in the ground by the time this movie came out. Could you imagine if he saw this movie? Oh, man, he'd have a fat fit. He would. I bet, yeah, he would. Now I just got like squeals in my head, like, he's like that fat vampire that kids killed by Blade with the sunlight. Yeah, that's a father,

watching this movie being oiled up by somebody. You kind of get that in that. What's that movie? The score where he's just in that sauna sweating away. And they're like, well, wait a minute. We haven't turned the sauna on yet. The air condition is on, Marlon.

I don't know what's wrong here. I will say there is at least, and it's kind of, I mean, it is hamfisted. There's no kind of about it. But I at least appreciated at the end of this movie when you think he's going to pick up that fedora and put it on. And I'm like, no.

And then Harrison Ford comes in like, Are you kidding me? It's really just, I'm not dead yet, kid. Yeah, totally. But pretty soon. I'm glad you're there just in case. The problem is Mutt Williams has poochie syndrome all over him. It's all about, yeah.

Let's all talk about what poochie could do. Is it poochie interesting? How cool is fucking poochie? He's got a leather jacket. Yes, he's cracking wise. They should have Rastafarianed him by, oh, 6%. Because even Harrison Ford has to be like, wow, Mutt, that was pretty cool. I don't know. I don't know about you audience, but I think we should give him a hand. But even before, like, even before you find out that this, it's his son, like, he's already doing fatherly shit in this movie that indie isn't we, it's not the indie we know. Like when he steals the beer from when they're in the diner, he steals a beer, Mutt steals a beer.

which is something that Indy would have done probably I would say very specific he's like No put it back It's possible that Indiana Jones is trying to protect His part time job Because you don't want to get caught drinking alcohol With underage students You're fucked

He's not a student He's fired at this point anyway Yeah it's true Oh that's right I didn't get fired Yeah you're right That is very stupid You know I think Indy should have just gone with him To the outskirts of town

Pulled has gotten shot him and shrugged That's the Indian I know. Nice try, kid. And he just walks back in the room. He buries him. You lost today, kid. Doesn't mean you have to like it.

Taking a piss on the pilot, that would be amazing. He was my what? Oh. I haven't seen him. Yeah, he left. There's a race through the campus. Oh, yeah.

It's a danger race. It's a big, dangerous race. Would you call it a pod race? How about a drag race? I made one of those movies, too. Can a chinchilla be driving the car? So they do this chase through the college. And one of my least favorite jokes,

because that's my other, I'm repeating myself by saying, my problem with this movie. There's nothing but problems. But there, there, Chris Kevin's nothing but problems. Nothing but trouble just me, Dan Aykroyd in some haunted amusement park. Well, nothing but problems I was imagining as your double rap LP, which would be nothing but problems.

You're rapping about long lines at a movie concession stand? Nobody would buy it. He sold at a fucking, like, what, like a... I don't even know what. Back of your car. Continue. Yeah, sorry. So there's this drive-through, so they're in the library and they like skid through the entire library on this motorcycle.

And it stops at the end. And this poindexter is sitting there like, Dr. Jones, do you know what the fucking main word for Lama Maka is? And like, it just, it makes no sense. And it's one of those stupid-ass jokes where it's just like, well, something exciting happened, but obviously we don't give a shit. Well, the comedy in this movie is really off base. And it's much more of the comedy ratio in old Jones movies, you're like 35%. Yeah, it's like 62. Yeah, there's way too many eh.

It's a lot of like elbowing you. And it doesn't work at all. Sacrificing the more serious tones that the other movies have is a real big mistake. And this is in this motorcycle chase, it's another one of just the recycling the hits, you know. Where Ford is assigned the Connery role, where Marcus Brody's head falls off. He looks all like, and, and, you know, Shaila Buf was smiling. It's just last crusade. But stop being so damn cool.

I would love it if when the end of this movie, the fucking sky's opening up and the interdimensional, who gives a shit. And then Shaila Buf just looks at Harrison Ford. He's like, I have to go now. My planet needs me. And he just lets go of a rock and get sucked up into this thing. Man, I wish. Marion, don't look directly at it. Hey, Marion, I guess Mutt was from another planet.

I guess, Indy. You believe yet, Scully? I'm getting there. Okay, Karen Allen in this movie. Yay, nay. Yay. Okay. Now, okay, I'll tell you this, though.

It's way better than the other option. Yeah. Capshot. Indy! Mions! Indy! I don't like the way these Mayans are looking at me. Kate Capshaw didn't talk to Steve and Spielberg for like what had to be, what, three months in that house? Because she probably wanted to be in for it.

She was like, you know, Kate, I'd rather just bring Karen back. She was actually kind of, she had a better rapport. That is a tough conversation to have. Well, I mean, Marion Ravenwood is way more of an excellent character than Billy something. It's Billy something. Yeah, she's got a boy's name, but. Well, Kate, you're kind of done with acting, aren't you? You don't really need to.

Well, I guess so, slam. Ew, Stephen, there's a spider in here. I'll kill it if you will stay away from this movie. I mean, Mary and Ravenwood drinking dudes under the table in that first movie. I mean, that's fucking bad ass. Why is she drinking in this movie? That's what I want.

Now she is the role. Well, you know why? Because she's been ruined by motherhood. She's been broken by, you know, just like living the quiet life. Raisin mutt. Mud whose real name, by the way, is Henry Williams. Hank Williams. He's Hank Williams.

Whoa. musical underlude One thing that Indiana Jones does bus his balls for in this movie and it's so justified is every time he's like

you know what will you please chill the fuck out you're not as tough as you think you're like Harrison Ford's like oh your mom blah blah blah and he like steps up like throw shit off the table

like that's my mom you're talking about and he's like sit out I'm not if I told you all the shit I've done in my life. I've seen people's face melt off their skulls. You're a fucking child. Sit down. I had a

book signed by Hitler and I didn't fucking sweat. All right? I saw a man rip another man's heart out in front of me. I saw a man get lowered into lava like it was nothing. I once rode in a dirgeable with Sean Conner.

Eat that shit. And that motherfucker wasn't a side car. I put James bought in a fucking sidecar I outran a boulder I threw a Nazi off of Zeppelin maybe that's not as impressive

but I had a great quip afterwards so yeah they're just it's a big hunt through the rainforest is what this movie is we meet up with William Hurt which is something I'm sorry John Hurt I wish William Hurt was in this movie and he was his pill-popping character

from the big chill that would be great William Hurt would have been a great like a Paul Freeman kind of evil doctor type character He would have been great He could play villain is pretty well

He would have been He would be the evil professor that helped out Cape Blanchett You know where he doesn't get any villain points though That accent he's rocking In uh

Is it history of violence? Yikes Oh man that accent He's a big crime lord He got noted for an Oscar for that movie Yeah I know What was that about? Yeah you know

That's a good point You may mention Chris about a doctor helping them. Like, a lot of those other movies had that, like, Belloc was a French guy that was helping the Nazis. And then Julian Glover was, like, Donovan was like, I don't care about the Nazis. It's just, and you got Mack for this now?

Like, why couldn't they have, like, you have a John Hurt type of character that's like a professor that's liberal. Really liberal, you know, and helping the communists. Well, why is it so hard? Like, we, you know, through interviews and, whatnot, things come out about things that never were with this movie, right? One of them was, they wanted to have a bunch of the old characters at the end of the movie be guests in the wedding scene.

One of them was John Reese Davies as Sala. And he turned it down because he's like, that's kind of a disgrace to a beloved character, having him sit in church and give a round of applause. But Lord of the Rings was long over with. Have Sala be the dude like, ring, hey Sala, I got to go to the rainforest or something, want to come with me and return this alien head? Aliens, that sounds like bullshit, Indy. Goodbye.

Click. Oh, man, Indiana Jones getting turned down. There's a cut scene where Sala beats up a bunch of bridesmaids to try to catch the bouquet. I've been lonely for so long. I don't know. So we're going through the ruins where we're finding. We're in South America. We're in South America.

America. We got to find some guy who had had the original skulls or something like that. Well, the whole thing is this. They don't know. When they start the mission, Shaila Buff's not like, hey, come on and help me find this skull. The whole thing is my mom's friend, Ox, who you were also buddies with, the John Hurt character, has been kidnapped by these dudes. And now they also kidnapped my mother, so you have to go help me get these people back. Like, that's what they're doing there. Yeah. And,

through the course of all this they discover the whole thing about the crystal skulls and I guess John Hertz been a crystal skull fanatic for quite some time like I don't know what role he's supposed to have played in Shilabuff's life like we learned that Marion Ravenwood

was married to a dude Mr. Williams a British flying ace right who raised this kid but then he just got ox hanging out all the time he was like the father like the cool professor that was like telling them like cool story. And stooping your mother. And it's stooping his mother. I kind of get

mom's gay friend out of this whole scenario. Like he comes by and like they're drinking coffee and they're just having a good old time. Oh, it's like uh, Rosemary's friend and Rosemary's baby. Yeah. That dude that always comes around and John Cassavetti's kind of hates his guts. Well, John Casavetes can't

suffer homosexuals, that's for sure. Heaven forbid he ever had to. So yeah, they go down to Peru. and they're looking for John Hurt in this like mental institution or something and this nun is just like oh yeah he was back here

but he's not there anymore and they walk into this big room this big holding cell which I don't understand this they walk by like this long like Hannibal Lecter esk hallway of all these people like spitting and throwing

comichile above and all that shit but then they're like this is where we've kept John Hurt and it's this huge room It's a white guy mansion. Like, honestly, that's what it is. It's like Peru, everybody's crammed in like fucking cockroaches. But this white man comes along and, oh, he's got to have a double bed.

And it's the same exact scene from fucking Last Crusade where they're looking on the floor for the fucking thing. Yeah. Where instead of just like, you know how exciting that was? And I got to find this book. I got to find this place on the floor. Yeah. And this one, it's fucking Shilboof sweeps the floor. Make yourself useful.

You are sweeping that floor pretty cool, right audience? Come on. Oh, look at that floor. It's clean. Look what Mutt did for me, everybody. Thanks, Mutt. You're the best assistant I've ever had. By the way, this is the only movie of this series, I think, maybe Temple of Doom does it,

where Indiana Jones does not have to use a book at all. No, never. Doesn't even crack it. Look at one. Doesn't have to do anything. So they find that there's a map of some ruins. they go to the ruins they fight a guy who's like doing parkour and uh FYI one of those dudes who is doing the the parkour fighting um is ernie reyes junior oh really yeah he's back uh who's that

they found him in a ruin he's in that ninja turtles too oh oh oh oh say no more i know the pizza delivery dude whatever what else is he in i feel like did we serve the ninjas with He's in Surf Inges, absolutely. We didn't do an episode of a movie of his. No, he's also a big stuntman. Obviously, he's doing stunts there. Yeah, but it's just, it's kind of just weird. I didn't, you can't tell it's him.

But I'm looking through the credits, I was like, Ernie Reyes Jr., okay. Maybe think about how possibly Ninja Turtles 2 is a better movie than this. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, that's not even a contest. Although I'll tell you this, though. And Chris, you were there for it. We did a Ninja Turtles rewatch.

That movie still sucks. the second one it doesn't hold up the second one yeah yeah the second one certainly not as good the first ones i i think is really good that second one but it's still better than this can we talk about the sandpit scene and yes we can and the

the sole purpose it it serves well yeah basically uh they get the other cat mutton indefine the skull they get captured by not communist uh big difference and uh you know

there actually is but Kate Blanchett, like, bullshit hypnotizes Indiana Jones with the Crystal Skull, which is just one of those dumb things. And then Mutt, because he's so fucking cool, busts everybody out with one punch and pushes the table over. Now, Marion Ravenwood, Indiana Jones, John Hurt, and Mutt are all running around the jungle, and Indian Marion get caught in the sand trap. Right. And the sole purpose of this scene is to get them away from all the Soviets so they can have a scene

where she tells him that Mutt is his kid. Way to go, David Kep and everyone else who didn't take the fall for this screenplay. Like, are you kidding? How cheap is that? Like, such a distraction for this one little plot hole. And it goes on forever. There's a really dumb line she has. She goes, well, you know what Mutt's real name is, right?

It's a good name. And he goes, Henry Jones, June. Henry Jones is the third. Well, no, his last name is William. Is his name Henry? Because he can't be the third if his last name is fucking Williams. I mean, I guess the whole thing is that it's his, that is his name. That's his family.

He's got Jones blood coursing through those veins. But on paper, it's Williams because she got pregnant and then married and just like raised it as. Now, did that dude? No. No? Yeah. I think he did. I think they, like, oh, he was a good guy to take me in, especially.

especially since it was the 50s. I'm surprised it didn't just shoot me in the fucking head. Which was your legal right as a man back then. You were able to shoot a woman in the head if she was pregnant and didn't have a wedding ring. It is true. She would be put into a mental institute released. It would have been the changeling.

So probably the biggest action set piece in this movie, there's parts of it that we were discussing before we went on the air and I think we disagree on. but the big Jeep chase through the rainforest that consists of the famous moments of the sword fight, the always hated monkey vine scene, and the, what I think, pretty amazing denouement of the fucking ant scene. Ants are awesome. Antsine's good.

That is brutal, and it's fabulous. But that's the thing is, but I have to slog through, like in the back when they're driving through, before it really gets rough, there's like this Kramer versus Kramer scene in the back of this truck where Indiana Jones is like, well, why didn't you make sure he went to school more? Well, you weren't there and it just goes to fuck off forever.

Yeah, totally. I don't need the Jones family domestic arguments. Who would ever give a shit? And then you rip open the thing and then he actually gets the stuff. And when he gets the stuff, I understand it does get better than that. But I'm still just kind of like unengaged. I'm just kind of like, well, I've seen this scene before, like fucking a moving caravan.

It actually, it's weirdly, it's kind of like the racers on Endor. Yeah, I thought about that a lot. Yeah, totally, because they're on opposite sides of like the tree line and everything. And you can see things moving through it. Well, you're going to have them separated by a tree line, right? I mean, Stephen, you're going to do that, right? Wait, there's no wee walks in this movie. Are you fucking kidding me, Stephen?

Stephen, what you can do there is you just make those savage natives into your like Ewarks and they sometimes help out a little bit. There is, there's a trivia on IMDB. Like, honestly, this is one of those movies where everyone kind of disowned it the second it came out. Like, everyone was like, his fault, his fault, his fault. Oh, yeah. There's a big paper trail on this movie.

It's not me. It was him. Yeah. And Spielberg came out and was like, you know, I never liked the aliens. That was always George's idea. But he kind of like kind of pads like, like, but George's is my best friend. so I just had to do this garbage. Yeah.

It's kind of a fuck you to George Lucas. It is a fun. And I mean, you know, if anyone has, if anyone can handle a fuck you. It's George Lucas. But I mean, you know, it is kind of a shitty thing. But honestly, if I was in that boat and everyone's accusing me because at the end of the day, you know, George Lucas just has a screenwriting credit and he's like an executive producer at over. The end of the day, that shit falls to the director of the movie.

And because George Lucas, you know, renounce. announces being a director because even that's fucking blasé for him that falls on you and honestly if i'm accused of destroying a classic franchise i'll fucking throw that turkey neck son of a bitch under the bus and dude you're stephen fucking spielberg man you call your own shot if ever there was a director who can say whatever the fuck he likes it's stephen spielberg agreed i don't know why you're letting gobble face bully you speaking of uh point in fingers shall a Talked a bunch of shit about this movie after it came out. He talks shit about every movie.

And if he dies any time before he's 65, Spielberg had a finger in. Well, he got doubly pissed off about it because he was talking shit about that movie. And then he talked shit about the Transformers. Yeah. And then didn't, was it him or was it Megan Fox that said working for Michael Bayes like working for the Nazi? Oh, Megan Fox. Oh, was it? Oh, okay.

Because she'll never work in anything legitimate ever again. Steven Spielberg fucking got her out of that third movie. By the way, this is why you do not make a sequel to such beloved movie so many years after. They never are going to capture the same magic or hold up or and the expectations are through the roof. Yeah. I mean, the Star Wars prequel suck. This kind of sucks a bit. But like, it's just, you're going to let everyone down.

But what does that say about us as the people getting amped up for these? movies like do we go in i don't remember what i was thinking going into this movie but i mean i don't remember where my expectations were but where like you know i think i was pretty excited and it's it's they should have just not done it you know right yeah yeah just come up with something new well make something sort of like indiana jones not indiana jones but like a fucking adventure movie they're all kind of the same yeah and also like this is probably the least uh as far as like character development goes. This is probably the least as far as Harrison Ford and

as Indiana Jones. And the last one, like, I love that dynamic between him and Sean Connery where he's got to get rid of these father issues he has. Like, right. And these, it kind of brings to light all of his issues with authority. And then this movie, you could have done this thing about him

growing old and actually like having to face that. But instead, you just have this bullshit of him like telling Shaila Poof to like drink his milk or whatever the fuck. Because it's just father-fi- It's all father-figer- You need calcium, kid.

Oh, go to school. There's a whole fucking thing And one of the things where he's like, you gotta go back to school. We're being chased by a bunch of fucking people with guns, you know. You've got to drink your milk every day. How do you think I did all those tricks? I'm 65 years old.

How do you think I've become bulletproof? I drink milk. My hips are impervious to everything because of milk. Those you got to go back to school conversations or something. All right, here's a question. How does a water vehicle go over three waterfalls and Ray Winstone ain't dead yet? Are you kidding me? A vehicle without a top goes over three waterfalls.

The passengers are three people over the age of 60 and a fat guy and one kid that's in pretty good shape. He being Ray Winstone walks a show. walks ashore from this triple drop holding a flashlight in his fat fist how are you holding on to that I bounced off all the rocks with my blubber me did all I could do is think of that gold I wouldn't walk towards a light indeed

I wanted to see the gold so I inflated myself like Kirby and I just bounced off everything it's fire and spits in it people three waterfalls is like a nuke the fridge and like I can buy Harrison Ford falling off a dam there's no sharp rocks at the bottom he only falls off one dam

a slog dive into a dam I believe that I can believe in temple that raft they slide down the whatever the fuck and it kind of glides for a while I don't know why but I believe that they take it off an airplane onto a mountain and then into like a waterfall. Yeah, that's what happens.

I'll believe that more because... It's this crap of like, this is the fourth time we're doing this and it's going to be big, big, big, big, big. And you're like, just... Stephen, you're going to want to make it a little bit bigger than what you just described. Stephen, I'm sorry.

Did I hear you write the two waterfalls? Only two waterfalls. Oh, okay. Two waterfalls. Well, there are monkeys in the jungle. They could help them. I'm just telling you that monkeys are helpful creatures. Steven, have you ever thought about setting it on a volcano planet?

I mean, maybe that's where these aliens are from. I'm just saying, you know, use it if you feel like it. I'm saying you should, but... Look, Stephen, there's aliens. You could find a lightsaber up in that little temple, and then they could just kill all of the aliens. I'll tell you one thing. One thing that Spielberg definitely blamed on George Lucas.

Well, Kate, Lucas is all about. Karen Allen and it's his baby I can't I can't be doing he's like doing a bad impression into a voice in the corner like I'm sorry Steven but she just can't be in a Karen is so much better see honey look he said it don't you talk to my fucking wife

she's a great actor and Temple Doob's the best he's going back so they get to this this final area here look at the last level they're about to fight Sephiroth And yeah, they just, they go inside this thing. It's actually a nice graphic of like these four gigantic columns coming up.

There's some good temple stuff in here, which you don't have a lot of in this movie, which you want. But also, again, and like, I'm, I tire of doing this. But back in last crusade. I tire of doing this. Back at last crusade, like, all of the things he had to do to get, they were like daring. And there was like, God, I could die doing this. The walking across the thin rock bridge thing. And like you could die.

You see somebody get fucking killed by drinking the wrong cup. But also it's things that are set up throughout the movie with like, these are going to be the challenges, you know, figure out the riddles. Use your strength. Use your mind. All these kinds of things. And he's not, he just kind of, he falls ass backwards into everything in this movie. You're right.

No, it's this is the Kramering of Indiana Jones adventures. Like, it's just like, oh, wait oh okay there it is behind me the whole time sorry everybody I found it all right how do I open this tomb oh I have to hit a rock with another rock that's one thing

I'm good eh I oh oh I's a girl behind his rock maybe you talk a little bit more Ray's Winstone Please because he During the big Jeep chase You know Indy's pissed off Because Ray Winston was choking him he's choking

He'd be like Indy You don't listen it to me. What I'm saying is it's like Berlin. Remember the adventure we had in Berlin? What were we? And they say it together. Double Asians.

Double A. Also, right before that, he prefaces the whole thing with, oh, I'm CIA. Really? You're CIA, too. You fucking pig. And now... American Culinary Institute. Our Culinary Institute of America.

I learned to cook some grilled cheese. dude. And he's leaving these little, uh, transmitters all over. So Kate Blanchett, who barely can do anything in this movie is just following that. Totally. Yeah, he just leaves these little, these little bleeping things behind. And it's like, you don't know who's doing it at first. So you're, like, anyone in the audience is like, who's betraying Indy's party? Obviously. It's so stupid. And so that's, that makes it like, what, a triple cross by the way? No, he says it in the end. He's like, What are you a triple agent now? He's like, no, I was just lying about being a double.

I was also lying about Ait and Gold, because I love gold. Oh, what a pretty little lie that was. Me, Aiton Gold. He goes, yeah, they're in this temple and it's the city of gold. And he's like, oh, it's finally all me gold. He's like, Abu and Aladdin. He's just like, ha, ha, bab, bab, bab. And he's just getting all this fucking pieces of gold.

What is kind of cool about that? And it sets up, you know, this great thing. And I can't believe the phrase has only been used once in this episode so far, you know, with our track record. But the ancient aliens have been using, you know, this one spot in Peru is like their, you know, base of operations. And they've been like collecting artifacts from all over the world. And it's kind of a, it's kind of a,

the only part in the movie where Indiana Jones uses his book learning. You know, he walks around the thing and he's like, oh, you know, this, this is from this part in Asia and this is African and this is this and all this stuff. How did it get here? And I'm like, yeah, ancient aliens. The only interesting part about it is that it's ancient aliens. But it's about to be ruined because I'm about to see what these ancient aliens look like. And he's going to fucking scowl it, Kate Blanchett.

It's going to be horrible. He like growls. So they get into the chamber of the lost aliens. And there's like 11 of them and one's missing its fucking head. Even though that kind of doesn't make sense because Cape Blanchett talks about aliens in Russia too at some point. I guess, I think, well, I think she mentioned, like, the Roswell one might have been, like, trying to come back for, like, but, like, so I guess there were lost missions. But it also doesn't make any sense, because the body bag that they have at Area 51, when she cuts that sucker open and whatnot, is like, it's shaped like the little gray men from the X-Files. Little kids and alien suit size things.

Yeah. These fuckers are, like, sitting on these thrones. And they're, they're, they're gigantic. They're a bunch of predators. I guess because in accounters of the third kind, there was varying heights, right? There were, like, bigger ones in that movie as well? Were they when they come down and meet Richard Dreyfus? I think there were a bunch of little ones, but I think hanging in the back was like a big old, big old one.

See, but that's, that is the way you do aliens, man. Like, if you're going to do simple, nondescript alien, not like a Star Trek thing where you're defining races and whatever. Or a bunch of different forehead wrinkles. Yeah. If it's just aliens, at least have them be different heights. Yeah. That's a way to go about that. Also, think about how creepy and different and sort of like medicine those aliens were.

And aliens in most things, I mean, this is just like a gray roll of paper towels, I guess. It's just I don't care. Well, it's again, it's the idea that we can't have Indy being like thwarted. You can't have him having to. catch up to anybody else. Because, again, with the villains, like, all those other villains, towards the end of those, they all have the upper hand and he has to take it back at the end. Right.

At this point, he, like we said, Cape Blancho is literally following a fucking trail of breadcrumbs to get to these people so that we can have a climax. The climax being, by the way, just to sort of move forward here, is she puts this alien skull back onto the skeleton, and she's like, tell me everything. And the dude's like, okay. your brain's not going to handle it, but here we go. And here's the weather on Rijal 7. And probably the coolest visual of the movie.

She has fucking flames coming out of her eyeballs. It's like Kate Blanchett dies in this movie. It's kind of a, it's thrown a bone to the people that love to see the villain. Well, no, it's tradition. All the villains have horrifically amazing deaths. But all the prior villains were horrific people. And this villain was just, you know. Kind of a crooked scientist.

Yeah, she would use. it for evil, but I have yet to see that evil. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. I mean, but she gets her eyes set on fire and presumably her brain melts. And then also she sucked into this interdimensional portal. Dimension X

Shredder, I've given you unlimited technology. And this is how you repay me. The Soviets. That's the dumbest thing of the world because there's no way. John Hurts all about these aliens. He's figured it all out.

And this is the point, at some point, when he's in the temple, his brain just goes from crazy to normal again, and he's a genius. Yeah, I don't get that. You need to show something like, you know, the alien powers leaving his brain or something. He just, the next time they cut to him, he's like, well, hello, Henry. And you're like, shut the fuck up. And someone's like, oh, man, what are these spaces? Interdimensional point of fact. Point effect of what?

Where the fuck do you free that? A coloring book? It's bullshit. It doesn't, does that make it more interesting? interesting more anything why is interdimensional better than space what whoa whoa whoa that means nothing i could mean any less where do they go space not into space into the space between spaces ray winstone's death is also another the best part of this movie well he's just he's in he's in the castle when he's picking up old a girl he's putting on a tiara and he's on the king of

he's like loving it all so much and like you know he kind of the whole everything's going to shit that the ship's taken off a budget soviets get sucked into the interdimensional who's a fudge and uh you know harrison ford runs back into the trophy room and he's like hey abu the lava's coming and the flying carpet's leaving let's get the fuck out of here and this is where mac takes on the role of dr schneider from last crusade that she's still reaching for that cup yep totally and you know, Indy gets out the whip, which, by the way, not enough whip in this movie. There's some whip, not enough

whip. Wips up takes out the whip and you know, he's holding on to it. He's like, come on. He actually says to Ray Winstone, use your leg. And it's amazing because he's like, oh, I gotta, no. I'm gonna use what,

fucky. Because yeah, he just says no. He's just like, Indy, I'll be, and it's supposed to be like just touching like, he's learned a lesson. Or something. I'll be all right. Like, no, you won't. You're going to get sucked into God knows. I've got enough gold to pay the tolls I do.

I'm sure this gold will be good in another dimension. Every Adam in his body is about to die a painful, separate death. Like, you're finished. I'll be okay, Jonesy. Mac, if it comes down between you or the whip, I want the whip.

I don't want that the space aliens using the whip. I would love it if he's like, come on. Jonesy, pull harder, you lazy Sal, come on, Jonesy. And he goes, the name is Indiana and fucking lets it go. No!

That's, I mean, like, yeah, Cape Blanchin says it's great, but I want to follow, I want a tracking shot of ruins don't go it into that portal and just fucking turn it into sand or something. Absolutely. No, you go through, it's the whole fucking Beyond Jupiter sequence for

2001. Yeah. Like, you just watch him grow insane. in outer space. It says a lot about us that you thought of 2001 in Space Odyssey and I thought about the scene from Willie Wonka. Where the big, when they televised the kid. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's there a candy bar over there, chomsy? That's kind of the end of the movie. Yeah, you know, then they get to the top of this thing. And, you know, it is a computer graphic, but it's a cool image, I think, of the spaceship takes off and then, like, you know,

because of the part of the land that's been shifted, all this water falls in and fills up this city. Like they were never there. Exactly. Scully, did you see that? It finally approved aliens. What are you talking about? I sneezed. Did I miss it? Now all the evidence is washed away.

Bummer. See you next week. Cut to our good friend, Jim Broadbent, sweating and running down the hallway. Yeah. And it's so stupid because I guess he's late for this wedding, but the only reason you see him

is to see that Indiana Jones has gotten his job back, but now he's like the assistant dean of the college, which what part about any of this made the U.S. government stop the investigation? Exactly. No one was there. No one witnessed anything.

A crazy middle age woman, John Hurt and Mott Williams were all like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Neil Flynn and the FBI. He didn't do it. So wait, you went to South America and did stuff with communists. okay no yeah you're not a communist you're still under investigation even more so so yeah let's let's wrap it up the infamous wedding scene this killed a lot of people including me i mean this is just stupid

like why could they just be together and it's nice and it's a nice thing they have to get married but it's not even just like they have to get married it's a ding dong chapel wedding like it's a movie wedding you know what i mean like we can't have your fucking indiana jones you've seen every corner of the world. You get married in a campus chapel. And it's like, you know what? Fine. Get married. But don't tease the passing of the torch. Yes.

That's the biggest problem. It's shitty and he picks up the hat. But okay, he spies the hat on a coat rack maybe. And he's like, look at that hat. He puts it on and then maybe Harrison Ford comes over and he's like, I don't think so, Jr.

And that's it. No, no, no, no, no. A ghost blows the The doors open. Marcus Brody, sir. John, you're your father. You didn't invite my ghost to the wedding. Now we need a

Jones and Williamson to be ghostbusters. My old man is stuck in the present. He needs to go to the afterlife. You're stuck in the space between spaces? The aliens have him hostage. And Marcus Brody.

Into your friends really. Stupid. He told us to talk about gold. Marcus Brody, he'd get lost in his own interdimensional void. You're not going to believe this. Princess Peach. That's the end of the movie, man. Harrison Ford gives a real

fuck you look to shy a book. And then credits roll. He's got real, we'll have fucking words about this later. Totally. That's disrespectful. The things I'm going to do to your mother tonight. See you later, kid. For anyone who has,

hasn't seen this movie, would you recommend someone catch up to the franchise? I think if they haven't seen it, they should just to know what's what. I mean, it's decently well-paced. It's got tons of problems, but, you know, if you got an afternoon to kill. I would just say no. I really just, I don't know, it's not really like fanboy, like you broke my heart kind of crap. I just don't think it's a, it's a movie that warrants you to watch it. You know what I mean?

like either from because you like those movies you want to see what the characters end up it's not really the characters you love and it's not a movie that's really entertaining yeah I know when I when I recommend it I'm like so you can argue it about it oh I mean no way no way I I mean what Steve said obviously

and it's also it you now have the choice like if if it's in theaters I have to see it because I want to see Indiana Jones on the big screen yeah that's half the fucking point but if I'm like on TBS it comes on one day and therefore it's

three and a half hours long there's I don't know of anything here that I would feel like you need to know to if if they were to make another Indiana Jones or God forbid reboot it I don't think there's anything here that you would need to go into the next one

like I think if you just ended on the last crusade you'd be like okay here we go yeah I mean I don't know I think I side more with Eric it's a totally fine hungover Sunday afternoon movie and you know for for God's sake people keep yourselves relevant. Stay educated. No, I kid. But I mean, I really don't have too many problems with it. I understand it's a bad movie. We all instantly agreed to do this as the second anniversary

episode. There wasn't any hemming and awing over it. Like, it is what it is. It's a shit movie that has some decent action scenes. And yeah, you know, if you're catching it on maybe an HBO or you borrow it from somebody or it's streaming, I think it was streaming for a while. I mean, it's not a complete waste of time. And it is the novelty of seeing that character, but the unfortunate thing is when the credits roll, you realize that's exactly what it is. It's a novelty.

Like, it's not, you know, I haven't seen yet whether or not they're selling, like, the original three on Blu-ray outside of the four box set. But I'm not getting them on Blu-ray until they are. Yeah, I mean, I don't need that in my house ever. Yeah. That's about as bad as I remember it, the movie that is.

You know, I've written the Stratton Island Ferry a lot. And every time I'm on it, ever since the Dark Night came out, I think of that unnecessary scene in the Dark Night. That adds 24 minutes in that movie. Yeah, you know what? Like, let them all just kill each other. Get on with it. I definitely needed that extra 24 minutes in that two and a half hour movie.

But, dude, you have to know that Zeus Lister is a man, even though he's a criminal. Yeah. He's a man. He's a human being. He's aware of the crimes he's done, and he's ready to, you know, go to Valhalla for it. Yeah, Jesus, man. Whatever with that sequence. It's so unnecessary and it's such a perfect, almost perfect movie except for that. I know people are like, but actually that I can't. It's actually almost a perfect... It's going to exemplify how the Joker was willing to go to such extremes to...

Yeah, no, we get it. Man, cut his fucking mouth open. I'm pretty sure he's pretty extreme. At the end, like, you know, Batman's like it's like this it's a wonderful life ending where it's like everyone's not as terrible as you it's like a reverse it's a wonderful life fuck you mr potter or burn your goddamn house down mr potter would be Batman he's got all the money but he wouldn't then like you know sacrifice his body for the citizens of that's why he's crippled no jimmy stewart would be daredevil yeah no mr potter is a perfect

the penguin. Oh, yeah. He looks like the penguin, too. Pot in his name already. Cablepot. Mr. Cobblepotter. All right, so clue for next week's rerun.

Rob Schneider. Oh, shit. So that could be a couple of things. I think you mean sweet Robbie Schneider. Sweet. Oh. That's what goes on to my brain every time I think about Robb Schneider, which I don't know.

This is something. We're recording these bumpers months in advance. Do you think by the time this airs, anyone in this room will have seen Joe Dirt too? No. No way. Dude, did you guys see the preview for it? There's time travel in it. Oh, great.

Thank God for that, at least. He travels through time. You know what? I'm not going to watch it and it'll be like I went through time, you know, ahead of watching it. Oh, you skipped it. Yeah, yeah, I skipped it. I see. And you know what's strange is like, I haven't seen Rob Schneider in forever.

and then I've been catching up inside Amy Schumer and he just does like a random one part he doesn't even get a joke he's just there is he credited as sweet Robbie Schneider Robert Schneider I believe

what a fucking ass what an absolute ass is Dennis Miller in that new one or no in Joe Dirt yeah yeah and he's looking like he took the marshmallow express to puff town chugga

whatever fuck Dennis Miller why are why are the three and you're shocked that I just made fun of Dennis Miller being kind of fat. We're pissing on graves that we hate movies, I guess. Rob Schneider, Dennis, well... Do you think by the time this guy, Dennis Miller will be dead? Oh.

Do not worry about Dennis Miller. That's it. You're sealed his fate. So until next week, where it's something about Robbie Schneider. I'm Andrew Goodman. Chris Gavin. Great sister. You didn't say that. Enjoy the summer.

You know,