We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Summer Rerun - Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Episode Date: September 1, 2015

Original Air Date: February 7th, 2012 What the gang thought of the film: "I convinced myself I liked this movie for five years." - Steve Sajdak "We just watched it…I can’t tell you what this movie’s about!" - Andrew Jupin "He’s nothing but goddamn sight gags. He’s always just falling over himself. How is that a leader?" - Eric Szyszka on Jar Jar Binks' unearned promotion at the end of the film. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace stars Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd, Ian McDiarmid, Terence Stamp, Ray Park and Samuel L. Jackson; directed by George Lucas. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

That's that final week of a week of vacation, nobody really wants to pick up the house. Nobody really wants to pick up the house. have to because you want the deposit back. Pick up the house. Yeah, our cabin that we rented. The beach cabin. I can't lift that. I am not going in that rasseling room. That thing... I mean, all the

blood. We haven't cleaned it once. That's how we come up with ideas for the next season is we just go in a room and beat the shit out of each other. Everyone's always like, so how do you pick episodes for We Hate Movies? We go in a room and beat the shit out of each other. And cabin looked exactly like Darth Mall in that Mexican, what was it, Luchibaro

mask? Luchador? Yeah. Sorry, no hablo Espanio. Well, that would be great, though, if on this show there was just a dude that was a luchador and we didn't know his identity. But he was just like, you know, the flying black widow or something. Sure. There's just some dude. Some Mexican wrestler I led into my house. That'd be a good title for a movie. Well, we're also anonymously unfamous. We might as well be wearing masks. That's true. And I do apologize that we also know the same today.

We've been sharing a cabin for a while Exactly the voices are just blending together And I don't mean this cabin either Oh No he hasn't been shared Someone's been hogging him Yes So we are here to introduce the

The final rerun Which is of course Star Wars episode one The Phantom Menace A lot of good stuff going on This is a while ago This is one of those ones where We still people were like

Oh man you got to do that Phantom Menace movie And it's like yeah we did Yeah it happened Yeah, I feel like every few months we're like, yeah, we did. Well, you know, over 200 episodes. They're not all available on the main feed. Right. So now we're releasing it on the main feed.

So now you can get ready to keep on asking us to do Attack of the Clones. See, now you get to do something. Oh, as well, audience. Force Awakens is coming up. Yeah, it's better bone up on your prequels. Yep. You want to be prepared. You never know.

I mean, you want to watch movies that the new series is totally going to ignore. You really want to be up to date on all those movies they're going to ignore. You know what? I, this is sad, but I'm like, is there going to be a Liam Nees and Forrest Ghost? I hope that there is. They're probably going to do something like that to kiss the fucking ring, right? Wait, who's wearing this ring? George Lucas and Lee's.

Both of them, man. I mean, I said, ghost ring. I mean, again, when these things air, we're recording these months in advance. But so months ago, I said, I think, and it was kind of a joke, but the more I think about it, Maybe not. A Quigong Jin stand-alone Star Wars movie might be pretty cool. As far as pre-if... Oh, these stormtroopers are coming in.

They took my daughter. I've got a special set of force skills. I don't know who you are. I don't know what spaceship you own. But I will find you and I will kill you. Oh, no. My Jedi mind trick doesn't work on space Albanians. I guess I'll have to use my Kung Fu travel.

Oh, no. My daughter was kidnapped into some sort of space sex slavery. There are plenty space sex. Bats of Starbanians. Starvanians. It's Jabba's Palace, right? We're talking about Jabba's Palace. So enjoy Star Wars. Episode 1, The Phantom Menace.

We'll see you afterwards. This was the most unambious. interested i've been in our source material hands down hands down the history of this podcast holy shit yeah this is 50 plus titles and we're talking like fucking robots and like really shitty romantic comedies from the 90s crack like zero budget movies and this is it's a disaster it's an absolute disaster and i'm going to get this right out of the way iwarks the battle for indoor is a better movie yeah without a doubt I have no problem saying.

It's way more enjoyable. It's more cohesive. You could follow it. It's 90 goddamn minutes. Yeah. Thank the Lord for that. I mean, this, we sat through two hours and like 13 minutes of this fucking trade embargoes and land ordinances and all sorts of regulations. It's all gobbly gook.

From the beginning to the end. And this is a renown, I am a Star Wars nerd to the other. most of the original trilogy. You're a fanatic. I'm a fanatic. I'm a total fanatic. You're an extremist. I have an extremist. Now, if I was, I'd... He's not the one reading all those books, by the way. I'm going to put that out there. I'm the phantom menace, pulling the strings, trying to make it look like he's the bigger geek.

Oh, holy shit. That explanation of your, like, devious plan made you the bigger geek. Yeah, I know. No, but I mean, and I, when I first saw this movie, I convinced myself that I, by the way, we are talking about Star Wars episode one, the Phantom Menace. Oh, I'm sorry. I was so frazzled, just reeling from this movie. I completely forgot to tell you that we're talking about the first prequel to that new trilogy. Anyway. Yeah, and I convinced myself I like this movie for five years. That's astounding. And but just, and I mean, like, I realized what a shit was. I mean, that, you know, in 2004, I came to my sense that was like, hold on. That's garbage. Yeah, yeah. And now re-watching it again in, God damn it, 2012, it is one of the worst

fucking pieces of shit I've ever seen. Which begs the question, though, and I put it out there while we were watching it, and maybe some of our listeners can weigh in on this huge issue also. But I mean, you know, it's one thing, you know, to see this movie younger and be like, oh, whatever, it's a movie, I don't know that bad movies exist and whatever. How many people have yet to grow out of that? Like, how many grown ass adults are out there wandering the earth right now saying the phantom menace is a good

movie. I think more than you would think which is sad. And if anyone here is listening to this and be like, whoa, whoa, we had movies, but this is a good movie I grew up with. I was born in 1993 or something crazy. Guess what? You're wrong. Sit down,

rewatch it, you know? Or just listen to this podcast because we're going to help you figure it out. And then, and go back and watch it and be like, oh. Yeah, put on glasses, have a cup of black coffee being adults for once. Look back at this. You will see. And I will actually, I'll continue my physical description gag from earlier.

Yes, none of us have a ponytail in this room, nor have we ever. No, there is nary a ponytail to be found. I'll tell you this, flat out, like, we just watched it. I can't tell you what this movie's about. Like there's a trade embargo and some sort of scandal and Darth Maul's hanging around and Quygon Jin gets fucking cooked at the end of this movie which is hands down the best part.

Oh, there's also a race. Oh, God, that fucking race. I mean, that's the thing is I don't, you know, Steve, you said it. It's this race of jar jar-like creatures. Oh, wait, they're also the pattern. I mean, Steve, you mentioned it right before we started to record, which is there's no reason to hold our audience hand through this movie. There's no reason, I think, to

like religiously go through the plot. I think we should just kind of try to figure out the most confusing and asinine points of this movie, because it's just a big amalgamation of bad ideas. There's like a 15-year gap between the two movies. And during this time, it was all Lucas kind of sheepishly smiling like, I got three more planned, don't worry, I'm just going to wait and it's going to be a prequel. It's going to

be this whole great story about how Darth Vader came to be and all this stuff. All this stuff that was hinted in the original trilogy. It was like, oh, that must sound that sounds pretty cool. I'd like to see that. You're going to see it, kids. Just give me a while. I'm really working on these scripts.

Working on what? I mean, here's the thing. If this was the finished product, like, I want to know what the rough draft looked like. Yeah, because what? Seriously. I think James Joyce wrote Ulysses in less time that he wrote episode one, The Phantom Menace, and it's a fucking disaster from a screenwriting point.

All right, I'm going to propose a jumping off point for us to sort of dive into this mess. One word. Racism. Because holy shit, this is the most racist movie since the first racist movie since the birth of a nation. Yeah, without a doubt. We sort of open on this, as you were saying, this trade embargo between this like little fancy planet Italy. It may as well be like Venetian fucking Italy. It really is. It's just wall to wall marble. It's really gaudy. And then these viceroys are like of the trade federation or have the embargo on this

planet for who knows why. Who knows why they want to give these. Well, they just are trying to squeeze money out of them like it's kind of like a protection racket i guess oh it's so it's space mafia yeah it's kind of like the space mafia yeah and they they are um all like foo manchu archetypes it's really uncomfortable it is it's just these tented fingers and i mean like this is what they sound like the senate is too late now do you think she suspect an attack i don't know i will must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there does that sound like a really horrific fucking description of a Chinese person? I mean

yeah. It's awful. It's it's it's the most racist character I think the year 1999 ever saw. And it's you know it's the idea of it is like obviously like you said Fu Manchu that's kind of where Lucas you know he

always loved like the Flash Gordon strips and that that's kind of where he came from with this. Right. But you just can't do that in 1999. No you can absolutely not have these Charlie Chan looking and sounding motherfuckers running through your movie controlling this

abyss train. Like just give it a rest. And I again like I know it's a thing, it's George Lucas he holds fucking power over everything but why could no one be like George, can I talk to you in the bathroom for a second?

Listen George, this is horrifically offensive but it's a traditional storytelling device. I call him like I see him. The other day, I was stuck in traffic, and I looked at this guy, and I was like, there's my movie. It's like, that guy is prime viceroy.

I mean, we're talking about Trade Federation drivers here. What's insane is that there's like a bunch of these characters at the start of the movie, and then we sort of, they're whittled down to two, and that's even worse, because then they become, like, this kind of comedic, racist team, you know, of just the two of them. And all their scenes are like them being like, oh, no, the seat is coming, no. And you're just like, holy shit, this back and forth racist gag that they heard. Oh, Lord, the citizens would be so angry if we don't get the agreement together. It's just, it's the worst thing ever.

And you know what sucks? That's not even the tip of the iceberg of the racism in this movie. No, you've got Italians, you've got Jamaicans, you've got, like, it just, and it just, it's like a Jeff Foxworthy record. Like, I don't know what we're trying to do here, but this is not what I love about Star Wars. And to top everything off with like all the racism that's going on, the icing on the cake of this whole thing is that a gigantic thread throughout this entire movie is slavery. and this person's a fucking slave and you're my slave and this is I'm going to buy this person

and slave slave slave what in the world and no one's upset about it no one's like all of the are you know our big characters our moral characters quigon gin Obiwan Kenobi

and we're like oh well it's just a fucking slave what do I care yeah what I also don't really get is like these civilizations have been around long enough that each of them have evolved or whatever somehow got to the point where they have intergalactic fly they're going from one into the galaxy of the other

yet and they're building like robot helpers C3PO R2D2 battle droids whatever and then they're like you know what but we still need that you know that that raw muscular of human slavery like we still need that yeah they just can't get over and it's

to such an extreme Anakin Skywalker a slave is building C3PO a slave for him it's just like slaves are beginning slaves now in this society it's the most twisted fucking social structure ever

created but one thing I don't understand about the slaves in this movie and they are slaves and they are not permitted to do anything that the Italian Gonzo looking motherfucker I don't even know Mr. Sabetti or whatever his name is by the way Giacomo Sabetti

This guy is he lives in a backwater town not even most honestly most ESPA You know, we can't get, we can't afford Moesley, you know. Yeah, Lucas couldn't afford to shoot on Moss Isley. So they had to move it two towns over. And this guy can't be fucking afford Mozisley. So he's living in Mos Espa.

And he is a bad mechanic. On Tatooine, the outer rim territory, right? Yeah. And he has tons of... Mechanic. And this guy has tons of slaves. And he's better than everyone else. You got two fucking...

slaves and guess what they're not doing shit this entire movie that's the other thing is you're just kind of owning it's like it's not slavery it's like human trophy casing yeah because he owns anakin skywalker and his mother and his mother old ma skywalker but they're just hanging out they have a pretty sweet house like there's a there's an upstairs and a downstairs there's a nice little patio that like quigon jins hanging out on giving jakein all those blood tests that we'll get into later on. Yeah, but yeah, he's they've got a house, he's got

hobbies, like what kind of I mean, look, I'm glad that he's not getting the whip but at the same time, like, why even have a slave then? But I think that it's almost like there's sort of like misusing the word slave, like in this society, they don't understand what slavery

actually is. It's like, you have to make these people do things. I feel like this has become us, man, that he's not treating his slaves poorly. I'm certainly not. Matt, I love the fact that the Skywalker's have a pretty nice, you know, like, middle income living, but like,

what are you doing, calling them slaves? Like, what, what is keeping them from saying, listen, little Italian flying thing? Like, get out of my face. You don't own me? First of all, you're like a quarter my size. I could put you in a box and keep you in a closet.

You know what I mean? I could enslave you. What is keeping them? First of all, because they don't even live with him. That's the other thing. No, they just go home. They live like two towns over. I don't understand how this guy has whatever ownership rights over the Skywalker family.

It makes no sense to me. We're talking right now we're in what this, this is the wormhole of this movie that sucks. It starts at minute 20 and ends at minute like an hour, an hour of five. Yeah, it's definitely over an hour. The middle 45 minutes of this movie where they go to Tatooine, that could be resolved in 15 minutes. but they take their fucking time. And the boy tells me you want to sponsor him in the race. How can you do this?

Not on the Republic credits, I think. My ship will be the entry fee. Oh, not bad, not bad, huh? Nubian, huh? It's in good order, except for the parts I need. What would the boy ride? He smashed up on my pod in the last race. So, okay, so a little bit of the plot that I guess is

they go to Tatooine Why? They go to Tats In the beginning of the movie Obi-Wan Kenobi and Liam Neeson's Quigon Jin Run afoul the Trade Federation and they have to Then they go to Nabu because it's being

fucking persecuted and they're like Oh we'll take this ship to Corrassan Which is this kind of really When you're a little kid watching a Star Wars movie Growing up with the other Star Wars movie Like ooh Curisan this is the planet that everybody always talks about you never see because it never really had the budget for it right it's the big city planet yeah exactly it's like it's a invention of the expanded universe though i think i don't think

it was even really mentioned no you're probably right yeah yeah i think i think they they included shots of it at the end of return of the jenai in the special edition the re-release yeah there's like because it's all like the celebratory like they're celebrating all over the galaxy yeah bullshit bullshit but yeah they're like oh man i'm gonna finally see kurosop that's awesome oh wait our ship just got a mechanical problem where we got shot by something. I don't even fucking remember. Classic Star Wars universe, by the way, something's just breaking down. You know, you don't really, at least this movie addresses it. Because, like, when you take off from a space ship, you can, like, hit a duck or something.

You don't know. And some space ducks? Yeah, it's space ducks from Endo with all the space chickens and all that other shit they had in that first e-walk movie. Yeah, so, you know. So they just, they fucking blow a tire or whatever the fuck. And then Anakin says fudge to Quigod. They have to wash out his mouth with soap I'm talking about a Christmas story

But it wasn't really fudge He actually said something really Star Warsy offensive Like Nerfurtur So they blow a town in BumbleFuck world And they're like oh shit we have to go to this shit ass Hillbilly planet where they're slaves It's the only planet in the galaxy That still has slaves for some reason

And they're you know Quigon's like Look we got to find you know our hyperdrive Or Mick Bluck lock thing is broken. We've got to go get it fixed. Let me go haggle with this Italian. And this guy's like, yeah, why are you coming to my store? You don't have no. He's like, oh, I have these space credits. Like, I don't use your foreign curse.

I need something you can trade. When you try to taggle the Italian, you're there for like two weeks. Yeah, exactly. No, exactly. This should be like, all right, if you want to, there's so many things wrong in a storytelling way of this. It's like, one, if the movie's about Anakin Skywalker, let's get to him. a fourth minute 30.

Please. Two, why the fuck does Anakin Skywalker have to be a child? A little baby man in this movie. It makes no sense. It makes absolutely no sense. And three, just pick them up and let's fucking go. Let's get rid of Carissa. Let's do things.

No, because we have to, like, that's like Lucas's whole idea of, you know, creating this world. And he thinks like he's, he's really, you know, getting into these characters. I think that even with the original trilogy, right? Like, that's still a bit of a criticism about it. It's like there's all these hollow characters. Sure. So this is what happens when he tries to make every character have its own importance, is that quite literally, every character has some friggin thing going on

that has to be addressed for no less than 10 minutes. So everything, even you get like the Italian mechanics problems. You know, he's got like a bad wife at home that's like ragging on him for some reason, you know, and he just can't stand. but it's against his religion to get a divorce from her some shit you gotta hear his sob story there's scenes with just him and Jake Lloyd and they're talking in their babo do

about abebo language and you're just like you know what I signed on to this movie for you and the fuck McGregor and you know what Liam Neeson's a great added bonus and where are they right now nowhere because I'm in this fucking intergalactic mechanic shop with a fucking flying Italian bumblebee Gonzo thing and a fucking little

turd child who's rambling off in this language where there's no subtitles. No, I mean, and that's another thing. I mean, like, you had R2D2 in the first movie. We're like, oh, you don't know what he's saying, but he's talking to somebody who speaks English. You've got, you know, and it's just back and forth,

bleak block, glibla, blah, blah. They respond like in, but with R2 and C3Po, for example, like, you know, he'll be like, but what? And then he's like, oh, how dare you? And, like, responds with a question and, like, repeats what he said. Yeah. Accusatorily or something like that. Yeah. That's not this.

It's just them gobbledygookin back and forth, and nothing's getting translated, and nothing's happening because they're just looking at each other. So it's just, like, a useless, like, two or three minutes of chit-chat. That happens more than once, because he also talks to Salbulba outside, like, some galactic diner. Sub-Balba. Migina-Dibaba, Saboba. And it's just like, shut the fuck up, kid. You and your dead eyes. Yeah.

That kid has no soul. Chescoebolba. Chippo Omen Giza So they're there, and the whole thing is like, yeah, like Liam Meechee, Makalongki, on a no-do-woshagmi-wampete. So they're there, and the whole thing is like, yeah, like Liam Neeson's got all these intergalactic space bucks, and this Italian refuses to take him.

So he's like, okay. Well, no, Liam Neeson's essentially trying to write a space check. He's like, I got... And you can't just, you can't, he's like, he's waving his hand, the check will not bounce. Yeah. He's like, he's like trying to write a personal check. And he's like, no, man. Depp it card or higher.

Yeah, no, that's totally right. He doesn't have any ID, first of it. That's actually kind of a funny part is he does try the old Jedi mind trick on this Italian. And he's like, oh, I'm a fucking whatever. That doesn't work on me. Convenient. Yeah. He does says works on him.

He's like, that doesn't work on me. money. Money works all over this fucking guy. It also works on me. That he's interesting. This character is done with the subtlety of father Guido Sarducci, by the way. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, so he's like, all right, we can't come to any sort of an agreement about this payment, apparently.

Nine minutes later. You're not going to take my fucking diners club card. So we're going to gamble on a pod race. And then this is the fucking black hole of this movie Winter takes slave Yeah, winner takes slave and hyperdrive part Or whatever the shit Yeah, and by the way, Quigong Jin is sensing something

And this little boy And he's like, you know, this little boy's got I think he's got some Jedi powers And I don't know how it manifests itself Like you know, I think he mentions that he was like a pod racer He's like, oh, to be a pod racer You must be of like reflex like Jedi-like reflexes Cat like reflexes.

Yeah, and like So he's like Yeah, yeah, you do. You're really great. So maybe, hey, you want to come fly home with me? Like, here's what happens. A priest goes into a bumble fuck

town and takes a child for his own purposes. And he's like, he's telling the mom like, listen, I'm going to take him. I'm going to teach him all sorts of things. He's going to have a great life with me instead of being your slave. He can be my slave.

he can be my slave student. My Patawan learner with a cute little haircut. But first I'm going to need to cut up his arm and take blood and then send it to Rome via computer, the Vatican, to see what we're talking about here, metachlorian-wise, because of course, that is metaclorians what was invented for this movie to be, I guess, with the unit of measurement for the force, I guess.

I think that's what you can gather, is the more medichlorians in your bloodstream, the better, the better Jedi. you are fucking come on everybody like this is like this is really falling into a 90s trap because in all 90s movies there's got to be a

results on a blood test yeah it's fucking Star Wars DNA evidence yeah absolutely it's like I'm watching the fucking Pelican breed and what's ridiculous is it doesn't even stop there though because not only do we have this science aspect of it but then crazy

Star Wars religion world gets thrown into the whole thing because isn't that also where because he sends the test back and they're like oh this is weird it's almost 100% metaclorians in his blood yeah what could that possibly mean and he's like well that my theory is that means that the father was 100% metaclorian what so he was just birthed by the force yeah what the fuck he's jesus you know what i never thought i'd say this give me iwarks any day man yeah this is you know another thing is like when They find out Luke Skywalker has force abilities,

and even when they hint at, like, Princess Leia also is possible to be a Jedi. No one, no one ever fucking says the M word, you know? No one's saying that M word. You think it would come up. No one's rolling their sleeve up in a galaxy far, far away. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Like, in all of the Star Wars universe, ever, there's never been a mention of blood. Blood.

Never, ever. Why? Because when people get killed in Star Wars, there really isn't anybody. blood. Or so in those re-releases where he made damn sure there wasn't any blood coming off of that fucking ice monster's arm and whatever other shit's going on. So why, and this is the

other thing. He says, I've read things and seen interviews with him where he says that that shit's been there from the beginning. You are a lying jerk, sir. Yeah, it's bullshit. That's all his thing is it's all reverse engineering. And the idea that I have now must mean the idea that I had

20 years ago is fault. Which is such fucking spurious reasoning. I can't even get into it. Well, now it's like the whole thing with like, this is coming out in 3D and then the other two prequels might be 3D and whatever. And it's like, again, so you're saying that, you know, because of your like revisionist

mind that you have, you know, so you're saying what? You always envisioned these movies to be in 3D even though when you made these movies and came up with this idea, you were living in a time in where 3D technology was so cheap and gimmicky

that it was considered a complete joke, invented solely to try to get people back into the movie theaters after the advent of television which was killing the cinema. So you're telling me that a fucking technical idea that was a poison to your art form was

an original part of your whole master plan? You're such a lying turkey neck piece of shit. You know, and that's another thing about this 3D thing. I guess some people think this is a new trend in cinema. I feel like every few generations they try to pull 3D again just far enough so that you forgot

and it existed. Like they tried it in the early 80s. They tried it in the 50s. And it's for better. I mean, for most part, it's fucking garbage. Like, I don't even understand the point of it. Dude, the timetable matches up. It's like a weird fucking rare meteor shower.

Like, every 30 years, the movie industry is like, hey, 3D is back. Isn't it great? You forgot how much you love 3D. And I'm sorry, everybody. Let's just start this right now. The point of this podcast, this specific episode, is so we can start a petition for people to fucking boycott seeing this Phantom Menace in 3D. No, that's the whole point. That's why what we wanted to do this is honestly, it's worse that the movie itself is worse than you remember it.

Yes. And if he has said like, okay, if Phantom Menace tanks in the theaters, I won't do the other two in 3D. Well, listen, we want it to tank. Everybody should want this fucking venture for nothing more than financial gain to just take. I mean, you're going to be, this doesn't hold up well at all. Like the, the CGI and these creatures and even the spaceships fucking annoyed me looking at them, how fake they look. And if that's going to be flying around in my fucking face, forget about it. What, just out of curiosity, what George Lucas might need this money for?

Do you think that there is a bunch of scientists working around the clock? that have the cure for turkey neck within their grasp, but they just need another $100 million to get them over the red line. And he's like, fuck it, put it up in 3D. I just need to get this thing off my face. I think that's completely plausible. And they keep on wanting more. And they keep up making up bullshit like he does.

So they're like, oh, no, you're actually, your metacorian counts a little law. We're going to need more money. Oh, no, my metaclorean counts low. Quick, put another one of my movies back out in theaters. So anyway, this pod race. It's a, yeah, there's, they're set up that there's this bad guy named Subalba who's got, like, he looks like a weird, what do you call it there, amputee? Like, he's got no legs and he's got these big, muscular arms. I feel like he's got, like, really weak legs that he, like, eats with.

And he's got these giant arms that he walks around on because, you know, alien, whatever. Yeah, it's kind of like a crab. Like, he uses his feet to, like, yeah, like you said, like eat and whatever else that he walks on his hands because that's creative. And he's got like a doghead. Yeah, he's a, as far as creature designs in this movie, he's one of the best. Yeah, he looks good. You know what, though? It's still a CG creature.

It is. And that's another thing that you see in this movie that's just, we've mentioned it before, but again, it just does not work. You have puppet creatures and the CG creatures, like, interacting. Like, there's that one part where Jar Jar Binks, like, knocks something over, and there's big fat it's like a big fat puppet suit it's like a guy in a suit oh yeah it's terrified yeah it's like hey what are you doing or whatever and then it's like a guy in a suit talking to a cartoon creature yeah it just looks awful like it's such a bad idea

and in this movie too there definitely is a shot of uh totally digital Yoda yeah but the first of many uh but you do you do get puppet Yoda you do you do get to puppet Yoda who looks exactly hilarious like mark hamill for some reason I never would have thought it unless you brought it up but we will have some clear-as-day Yoda screen caps on the Facebook page. This puppet Yoda is designed to look like Mark Hamill. I don't know why. It's because he's like kind of younger or whatever.

So there's less wrinkles on Yoda's face, I guess. But he just looks like Mark Hamill. And it's really weird. Like what is that trying to say about like the Star Wars genealogy? Maybe Yoda was the father. Maybe Yoda was Anakin's father. Like he went, he was flying around town. He got a fucking flat tire

And this slave was like Oh, I'll fix it And he fucked her And it's like it's like It's like it the devil's advocate She had all these claws on the back of her back Maybe if they did like Sequels instead of prequels

You'd see Luke Skywalker Asmar Camels slowly grow into a Yoda Oh is he just like Is Luke Skywalker just lives forever? Yeah, yeah He just like he slowly becomes like Smaller and greener and older And like he just turns into this thing

And maybe that's what Jedi, Yoda is just like what Jedi look like when they get old. Why not? Sure. I will completely buy that. That's it. So the bed is on now. Right. And you know, and there's all this, like, not only all right, so we had all this stuff.

We've already met Natalie Portman's character. She's kind of playing this double role, which I don't even know if we'll get it. But basically, like it's like this weird, like Prince of the P. Prince of the Pauper scenario. Yes, right. Like she is, she is the Queen of Nabat.

right and she's got her double for security purposes played by an unknown Kira Knightley that's how she got her start and the whole thing of the movie which I didn't even remember just because I just completely blocked this movie for the most part and you just think of you know Natalie Portman is Queen Amadala and that's the

fucking end of it but in this first movie you don't know that she's the queen until the way end of the movie and there's a big reveal when they're on that frog planet or whatever and I was like wait a second is that a reveal and you guys are like yeah it's a crazy twist ending I totally just forgot it and I thought that she was

just trying to trick quigon gin so she could come along on the adventure I mean which she was yes but I thought that the audience was in on that that was a little phantom menacing of her own that was a little phantom menacing of your of her own yes so I mean like we've got all this like her planet has been

enslaved by this well to be fair, they're withholding some trade routes towards her planet. Well, no, but there's also camps going on. There's, oh, by this time, they have, they have come down to this. Right, right, because Darth Sidious was like, just do it anyway, go invade. Yeah. So it's a corporate army.

Yeah, it is a corporate army. Think about it. And, you know, her planet's been invaded by these droids. There's fucking camps. And here we are on Tatooine, waiting for the fucking muffler to get fixed. And twiddling our thumbs Taking in spectator sports It is such

Cinematic thumb twiddling Like you're totally right And it's just It's this big fucking race And the whole thing is to show you That he has you know Jedi like super Jedi potential You know like in his in the race

Like his pod racer starts breaking down And he like fixes it no problem Like he's very smart And all this stuff like And it's fine But just tell me that his body's pumped full of Medi-Clorians and that means he's going to be a great Jedi

and I'll believe you you can feed me that line of bullshit I'll eat it up and we can just get on with our movie but it's like you can't have this kind of a race in the middle of a movie or even like two-thirds into a movie and not let it be the ending

you can't just at the one hour mark you can't have the last game in the Hoosiers movie played and just expect people to bounce back from that. Yeah, I feel like in a Star Wars movies like this, like I feel like it should have been, if you're going to have a race,

have it be like a chase, you know? Like have it some, have it being fleeing. There's a life and death situation instead of a freedom or slavery situation. But it's also just like friendly competition. Like this is just what these people do on Saturdays. Although Subbo did

try to sabotage Anakin Skywalker and he whatever fixed it. One guy crashes and dies. Whoopty the fuck do. Although, there are Tuscan Raiders with rifles just shooting at these potteraces, which I found amazing. I don't know what that is, what that's even supposed to suggest. Well, because they're just the little scamps of the planet, like tattooing. Like, they're like the rats of tattoos, you know?

And it's like when they're shooting at you, like, yeah, it's a threat, but it's just kind of like it. Oh, look, it's the Tusker Raiders. They got nothing better to do. Like, they don't have, they don't have television. They don't watch your holograms, whatever you. They don't care for your sports of racism. saying entered like uh engines sorry well maybe it's a thing

where like you know because they they as the Tuscan Raiders are really opposed to like the tattooing approved slavery system and they're like you know what everybody's equal we're just going to live out in the desert you know we're going to be

out on the cursed earth and you you can have your slavery but we're not going to be a part of that and they're operating like this underground railroad that we don't really know about so they're actually trying to help Luke in a new hope, but it was misinterpreted. There's

that language barrier. No one understands. Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. If the universe could just get together and, you know, learn each other's language and just evolve with one another, that wouldn't have happened. The Tuscan Raiders would have saved him. And it would have been a completely different movie.

And so, I mean, he wins the fucking race. Whipty fuck. I mean, like, really, who cares? He wins the race. Like he's not going to win this race. Like anyone who has ever had any suspense over this goddamn sequence that lasts like 13 minutes. So fucking long. It's like a 13 minute race.

And don't worry if you miss anything, Greg Proofs is narrating it for you. Yeah, there is like this ridiculous two-headed narrator. One speaking a gobbledygook universe language and the other one is just Greg Proops. It's straight out of a Popeye cartoon. Like there's no this big like un, like, um, like, uh, a biologically incorrect creature is just standing there and it's all, it's just a big wink at the audience

and who cares. But so he wins the race and Leone's like, great, you're going to come with me now and live with me and your mom's still going to be a slave. Isn't that going to be great? And she's going to die alone. Yeah.

That's what, again, it just makes no sense because like Anakin Skywalker goes up to Quigang Gin and it's like, listen, man, like sure, I'll come and learn all your circus tricks and whatever but like you got room in that shit for my old lady and he's like no i'm sorry she has to stay here she's owned by that big italian over there what yeah exactly what what is keeping her what fucking is chaining her to this desert planet like just just get on the ship with the rest

of them mom's Skywalker and just go what is the problem i don't i don't think he wants to his mother ask it all sorts of questions i think that's really what it is you know the The original series characters would not stand for this bullshit. Try to sell that load of shit to Han Solo. Get on my fucking ship. I'm a smuggler. I'm a fucking hero. And as a hero, I rescue people, okay?

Even though it's Han Solo and he's a little bit of a reluctant hero, okay? Like, he's still going to do it because he knows he's got to do the right thing. But that you're right. That's a thing where, like, technically, like, that fucking Italian bumblebee would probably just be like, oh, yeah, you can take her. What do I care? Get out of your bull to you. Deadbeats, I'll rent out to her apartment to someone else.

Or, yeah, or an Italian bumbley's like, oh, you son of a bitch, I'm going to take something from you. And you fucking whip out your lightsaber, like get, go on your fucking, go on your gondola. All right, pal? Because I'm taking this lady and the boy. That's true. I really think it comes down to Kwai Ganjin. You know what?

Like, not for nothing, but Obi-Wan Kenobi's just, he's growing up a little bit. It's not as exciting anymore. Like, that could be what we're. we're dealing with here. I don't want to say that it's a definite thing. It's a possibility. Like you said, Steve, a monk rolls into town, picks up a kid, tells his mom he's going to teach the kid all sorts of magical things and leaves. It may be for the best that Kwigand Jin doesn't make it to the end credits of this movie. I'm just putting that out there. But think about that, like, that could be an easy racket to do because he doesn't really show up his four

skills down there in front of that mom. And he's just, it's a dude in the robe, shows up to your desert house and says, I want to take your son special. And you just let it happen? No, I mean, and that's the thing. It's like, because she's a slave and she has no options. But there's no fucking reason in retrospect why she

doesn't go on that ship. There's no slavery. It's just, it's all a big fucking facade. No one is enslaved in anything. They have an awesome townhouse that I would kill the fucking live in. You're not a slave if you have two stories on your house. You're not.

If you have a house, you're not a slave. Like, it makes no sense that these people are called slave. There's no bruises. There's no nothing. I mean, like, they don't have income, but they have food. You know what I mean? Like, they have... They're taken care. I mean, like, I'm not... Know what on this show is condoning slavery in any way. But if you're going to say that someone's a slave in a movie,

make sure you know what slave means, George Lucas. Or there's a chain somewhere that they can't go anywhere. because there is no change and no one's watching her she could have just fucking like... There is not even a goddamn fence in this movie. No, there's no fence to be found. Nary a fence.

It just, it makes no sense. I'm sorry. She should have got on that ship. And I think Quaghanjin just didn't want her on there for his reasons. By the way, one last thing on Tatooine, even though we're in Mosaspa, job of the hut cameo.

He got around. You're right. And there's like some gag at the end of the... And you know what? It's probably the smartest inside joke of the entire movie. The end of this 13 minute long Padre sequence, everyone's like all excited or whatever

that Anakin won, blah, blah, blah. They cut up to the stands. Jabba the Hut has fallen asleep. And someone like goes like, oh, Mazda Jabba, b'b, like taps him on his fat slug shoulder and he wakes up like, oh, is this sequence over with? Jabba the Hut, this is a lot slimmer.

So it's like 1980s, Marlon Brando versus 1994. While in Brando, he hadn't turned that corner yet. Jabba the Hunt was still getting rolls that were worthwhile. This is before Jabba was only on that dais, you know? Hey, you delia, Captain Tarbus. Miss you back. Oh, game, Shasha.

You start going to the bosses. You're something big doo-do this time. So I think we kind of have to just get into him. He was mentioned briefly when we talked about. the spectrum of racism in this movie but can we just can we get into jar jar banks there we go i'm really reluctant but yeah i guess we have well i mean because it's almost like everything's been said already you know i mean that's the thing is like i don't want to sit here making all the jar the jar jokes because it's just treading the oldest of water but i mean he's just that i mean because it's kind of

the next step in this movie after they get everything to get. No, it's not. I'm sorry. This comes before. Does it not? Yeah, when he takes him to the other planet. Yes, the fucking frog space sequence or whatever. But I just want to, I mean, I want to put out there the most ridiculous

part about this character. And it's not that you know, he talks like a, you know, racist, like minstrel character or whatever, anything like that. It's the fact that at the beginning of this movie, when you're introduced to him, he's like this petty thief or whatever. Like, He's just a shitty criminal.

Yeah. And they're like, wow, look at this degenerate or whatever. And everyone in this fucking town hates them. And they're like, we don't want you here anymore, Jar Jar Biggs. And Liam Mason's like, oh, this will be the perfect guy to lead us through your fucking shitty water city. Well, there's this, the oldest of old, like, non-religious things that people put in movies that have fake religions is, oh, you save my life. So I'm indebted to you forever and ever and ever, which is complete garbage. Right.

And so, you know, he starts following them around. And they're really annoyed by him. Quiguan Jin and Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're like, God, what the fuck is this guy's deal? And they're like, how do we find the best thing is you McGregor when he first meets it? He goes, what's this? What is this?

It is, again, like, I feel if we went back and really like come through this movie, there may be a handful of these, like, the creation. of this movie being like, God damn it. We know we're getting paid so much money from George Lucas and whatever, but we fucking hate this. Because you have the hilarious Jabba sleeping thing. And then this Jar Jar

introduction where he quite literally is saying, what is this? You're right. The whole audience was thinking the same thing. What is this ridiculous cartoon character? No, and he, you know, he turns into this thing where he introduces them

to this sea world. The sea world of the Nabu which is his race of Gundans where there's this big fat Reginald Vell Johnson looking motherfucker running the whole thing and he looks at a big frog. Well my thing

that I was bringing up about the most ridiculous part of Jar Jarbings is the fact that beginning of this movie he's a petty thief and through this whole movie he does nothing accomplishes like kills in battle by accident and it's all just like this hammy comic bullshit at the end of the movie he is a

like some fucking metal like his people he's a general yes he's like general binks at the end of this movie like we mentioned this sometime in the past about how easy it was to move up through the ranks of the star wars universe but i'm telling you what like someone forgot to sign something somewhere because like this is the worst idea for a promotion i've ever seen yeah he's nothing but goddam sight gags he's always just falling over himself how's that a leader it's not and it's just yeah That's all he does. He stops the movie dead whenever he shows up. Got shitty one liners.

And I mean, like, people out cried him. This was, and you know, that's the problem about Jar Jar Binks. He's like the figurehead of the shittiness of this movie. Because you'll hear people be like, well, if you ignore it Jar Jha Binks, it's kind of a good movie. Like, no, it's not. That's an argument people use? Yeah, you will hear that. People act like Jar Jar Jar is what tainted the prequels.

And if that was like eliminated, it could have been something good. But it's like, it's just not. It's just a mess. that's a bunch of bullshit yeah like if you removed that character it's still a horrible shitty movie case in point jar jar binks has nothing to do with that 13 minute pod racing sequence i had to sit through yeah exactly and nor the viceroys uh yeah totally he's got nothing to do with those viceroy's like nothing that i hated the most about this movie has to do with jar jar binks like i hate jar jar bings but you are a fool to sit there and say that he's the worst part of this movie

No, exactly. And we, you know, we get back on the, we run afoul at Darth Mall, I guess we could talk about too, which is, I guess he's like, Darth Ball is this really, like, weirdly iconic character just from design alone and, like, the fact that the only two things he does are the best things in this movie, which are the two fight scenes. Right. So, like, he's like, oh, my God, it's really kind of a smart way to make, like,

he is the Boba Fed of the new trilogy, you know? Yeah, he's got a couple good scenes and then he's gone. Yeah, very, very, very, very, very, very. little to do and people really reacted to him really positively but like he just doesn't do anything he should have been a presence in this movie he should be a menacing thing that's always

there that's always kind of popping up at the wrong time but he has two fight scenes and says maybe four words yeah there's that one part where it's a total missed opportunity where he's like parked his big space cruiser outside of Moss Espa and I'm like

oh awesome like he's spying on them like he's going to go into this village and fucking murder people. How cool is this going to be? Because I saw from the preview and my Burger King Kids Club Pack with his fucking action figure in it that this guy is a badass. And no, he spies from afar

and then sends a bunch of little drones into the city to do like some legwork on investigating the main characters and that's it. Well, even Darth Mall recognizes that it's a child and you don't attack a party when they have a child in it. Darth Mall would

kill kids. Oh, I would love it. He would be great at killing kids, but George Lucas disagrees. If you just fucking gores him with his horns. That would be great. Like, if he was bad in that fight with Quagong Jin, if he just fucking headbutted him. Oh, yeah. Spikes in his head. One, like, breaks off in Liam Neeson's forehead.

That would be sick. Yeah, Darth Maugh, both of their faces are just covered in blood. That's how you got to make these movies, George Lucas. Darth, Darth, Marl's, like, licking it off his stone cheek. And also, he did, in Revenge of the Sith, finally grow the balls to kill kids because there's that one scene when all the like Jedi's are getting wiped out

at the end or whatever. And he just comes upon like that little group of padwams or whatever like at a study session. It just finishes them all. Yeah it's like lightsaber on and we cut and we know exactly what happened in that scene. That's a brilliant piece of editing

in that Revenge of the Sith. I'll give that movie that. But yeah I mean like so you know that's your villain. Your other villain is Palpatine who we we meet when we get to Corrisson in a more real way. This is the best part of this goddamn movie when it came out and people were like, oh, is it Palpatine or is it not?

Yeah. Cidious not Palpatine. I mean, it's obviously Palpatine, but you didn't think it'd be so goddamn obvious, I guess. Yeah. Like, oh, maybe it's not, maybe Sidious is not Emperor Palpatine because that'd be really fucking obvious and dumb.

No, no, that just goes to show. Don't think too much with Star Wars prequels. And by the way, in the future, I mean, they're carrying on the Darth name. Okay, so I'm going to keep calling you Darth Vader all the time, but don't you fucking call me Darth Sidious? Yeah.

Emperor Pampartee. Like, what? You know what? Like, they're like, they're like hanging out with each other, like one night in a command room. Like, it's just the two of them, whatever. And, you know, Darth Vader just lets it slip and, like, calls him Sidious.

Like, that would happen. Like, that's one of those things. That's what it should have. Where, like, two great leaders, like, get in a room and it's like, all right, Jim, I need you to do this for me. Bob, I can't do that. You know, it's like, now listen,

Vader, you're going to sit down and you're going to listen to what I say. No, Sidious. You've gone too far. Like, that conversation has to happen. If you're telling me you wrote all this shit, you're lying son of a bitch, that should have happened in one of those first three movies. If you have a goddamn Sith name,

it's got to get used. Yeah, especially with another Sith. Two Sits hanging out, man. You're using a name. Do you sits having a beer? I would love it if it's just like, you know, they're having a beer or whatever and he's like

yeah give me another one Sidious and he's like it's Emperor Palpatine and then he's just there's that moment and he's like you don't believe in this shit anymore man like this was our that was your religious name okay don't tell me what my religious name was

Vader all right I made you let's not forget and this is the worst part about Emperor Palpatine he's not the type of candidate you want to have a beer with so we get back and we meet Terence Stamp who's in this movie yeah Welcome to the show, Terrence Stamp. Come on in.

The Chancellor Valorum. I would have lost 10 bets for you. You know, Terrence Stamps and Emperor is in Phantom, and it's like, absolutely not. That's hogwash. I would have remembered Terrence Stam. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? Yeah, exactly. I'll tell you this, Steve.

Ask me what Terrence Stamp does in this movie. What does Terence Stamp do in this movie? I have no idea. Because he's there for a scene. He says something to, I think, Natalie Portman, and then fucking spreads wings and flies away. he's the head of the Galactic Senate as the Chancellor and then Padamay because she's

an evil bitch votes no confidence I'm explaining why she's evil he votes no confidence of Valoram gets him ran out on a rail for the Galactic Senate they shoot that tarant stab back into space like he's a goddamn Superman too again

then he gets right to the phantom zone again yeah not again he's stuck in that class even whatever donkey alien was with him voiced by any murphy probably so then everyone votes like hey palpatine he's a cool dude let's make him chancellor and she's like yeah i'm all for that

and that's and that's the story of hitler yeah that's that's the end of everything that's true yeah that's when palpity put down his paint brushes and decided to get into politics was with that one vote. But here's the thing. I mean, like, you know, Palpatine kind of engineers that, like, you know, he, whatever. He's phantom menace's a little situation a little bit. He does, phantom meddler might be a better name.

Phantom didler. That's the Kwai Ganjin origin story. Episode zero, the phantom didler. Zero. She realized His mother realizes that his son's getting phantom Like there's that There's got to be that next day

Not to go all the way back to Palpatine But there's the next day after your son leaves When you kind of start re-looking at the evidence And you're like Oh shit Wait wait Did my son just get kidnapped after brother of me? Yeah

I don't even get paid Yeah But no I just gave away a slave For a really good slave And now fucking Catch a Tories on my ass. If I were a real slave, I'd have twice

the work in front of me. But I'm not, so I'm going to go sit on my veranda and be a space slave. Those lucky space slaves. Oh man, if I could get that kind of racket, I'd be set. But there's, yeah, the, the, the Senate, what I like to call the monster party, because it's

just all these, it's all these Dracula's and boogeymen from all corners of the galaxy. This is the problem is, George Lucas goes fucking overboard with these aliens, man. Because the original series, it's predominantly humanoid people. Even the aliens are usually humanoid. Yeah, they just have like a little bit of like makeup on or whatever.

Although in New Hope, there is that hilarious werewolf that is just in the canteen. Yeah, there's an honest to goodness werewolf and a new hope. Why didn't he do a werewolf seek prequel? Oh, man, that would have been awesome. That would have been better than this movie. And I don't know why, why does the universe, gets so less populated with these aliens after the Empire takes over.

Is there some type of... Genocide we don't know about, possibly, because it's all white Brits and a new hope and empire. And then I guess, you know what? Here's what happened probably. So much genocide that they're like, listen, this whole camp situation we got going

is like really tedious. Build the Death Star, one blow. We'll get it over with. We'll just start going planet to planet. Just wiping them out. No, it's true because in these movies, especially in this, the first time we see this big Senate, which

appears in all the other prequels, you just have all, yeah, it's just a big old monster party. And then somehow between that fucking revenge of the Sith and into a new hope, all the monsters went away and they were all replaced with white British actors. Yeah. I don't know what happened.

Yeah, it's like Derek Jacoby's fucking, I don't know, fan club. What is what happened? There are so many bullshit random aliens in these prequels. I'm surprised the hamburger helper glove. Was it in the sentence? Like, it's anything.

I think there's some ETs. There's like, I think there's some tin cans that talk. Yeah. Like, it is out of control. There's, there's two wookies that, first of all, are made to sit in the back, by the way. And they just, like, kind of stand up and cheer when Padmay comes in or whatever. And it's, it's just two Chewbacca. Yeah.

By the way, you'll notice no Tuscan Raiders whatsoever. No. Because they work outside of. this government because they don't believe in it. It's not, listen, if they went in there and they were like, listen, we want Tuscan Raider representation in your intergalactic fucking Senate.

They'd be like, all right, fine. We've had your desk waiting for you since day one. But you people decide to work outside our bogus slavery system. And then they throw a bunch of tea into the room. I don't know. Well, that's probably why they don't let them in. It's because they're trying to have these Senate meetings and then

whoever has the floor is getting like rocks thrown at them by the Tuscan Raiders. But that's actually a really good point, though. And that's what happens. You're telling me that the first, an only person to say, hey, I can run the galaxy better is fucking Emperor Palpatine.

There are billions of people in this fucking Senate. And like, all it takes is one vote and everyone goes, rabble, ramble, and chew on their fucking pods. Yeah, you're right. No, you're totally right. You're telling me, in the history of this sentence, there wasn't nary a person

who was like, hey, I disagree with that. Yeah, the fucking Herkaloids are right there. They must be pissed off. Maybe it's common practice and we don't know it. Like maybe a terran stamp gets ousted every year. Yeah. If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorem's leadership.

Now, they will elect a new chancellor, one who will not let our tragedy continue. So he gets ousted, and that's actually the only real thing that happens in this movie that's of any consequence to the narrative of Star Wars. Right. Am I wrong? Yeah, yeah. No, because that's what starts in motion, like, the chipping away. Like, because by the end of that third prequel or whatever, like, that whole Senate fucking falls and Yoda's got that big fight scene in there. It's the start of Palpatine's, you know, the rise of the empire.

Yeah, it's the rise of the empire. It's all, you know what? And this is, kids at home, always vote because one vote makes a difference. You can see it here. You can see it here in this intergalactic Senate. One vote. Taryn Stamp was out on a rail And here comes the empire

If someone else stood up Against Palpatine getting in there Who knows? Terran Stamp still could have been president Of the Senate or whatever the fuck goes on there Could have prevented this whole thing Yeah, I mean like you know Taryn's look here's the thing about Taryn Stamp as a leader

You know he made a lot of promises about change And you know in his first term He wasn't able to do so much because he had all the tractors He's got all these goddamn aliens screaming gobbling And in his second term he could Without the fear of being ousted, he could really make some difference. Right. If he's not worrying about whether or not he, Terrance, stamp, is going to be reelected. He can just do whatever he wants, and he doesn't have to listen to anybody because he is the president of the Senate.

Exactly. And no backwards werewolves are yelling at him. That doesn't even matter anymore. Now, here's the thing I want to put out there. One of the last times we spoke at length about Star Wars, we proposed a pretty awesome idea of an HBO set wire. Esk, you know, Cloud City with Billy D. Williams, older now, as Lando Crown Hanks heavy, that whole business. Here's something that I just

kind of thought about that, you know, Aaron Sorkin, if you're listening, let's maybe get this in motion. The Intergalactic Senate, okay, like way before the rise of the empire, like way, way back. And Aaron Sorkin West Wing type of the inner

workings of the intergalactic government. Everybody's just walking and talking and talking. You know, like, one episode's about like, you know, some wookies come in and they're pissed off that their planet's got like this climate crisis but the intergalactic sense that's not reaching out with any kind of aid. Yeah, the

John Spencer character is actually just a cup of dirt because who cares? It's just a cup of dirt that talks and gets upset. I would love to see like the eighth season of that show when they're running out of ideas for different creatures and it's just a talking

ramen cup. it's bound to him so I mean yeah that's then we're kind of in the last throws of this movie which is the best part of this movie like once we get off Tatooine once Palpatine

once Palpatine takes over the Senate and there's this big standoff on Nabu we really kind of get what you paid your I guess nine bucks at that time that Nebu battle was terrible oh yeah there was the with all the

the battle bots and And those frog people, Jarjeer Binks. The Gundins or whatever. Yeah. The Gundins decide to help the Nabu because apparently they have all of the military power on that planet, but still are subservient or submissive to the white people.

Why do these little, like, it makes no sense in a galaxy where, like, the Nabu is obviously physically stronger than all these white people. Same thing with, like, why is it fucking Chewbacca telling fucking Han Solo where it it off. Why is the six-foot tall werewolf monster not being... Rades over bronze. Rades over braids overbron you're thinking? I don't know. I just think

it's one of those things where it just takes one. And I'm not saying Chewy and Han because I know they have a good thing going and like their relationship is fine. But if you have a thing where it's like, listen this other wookie mechanic is working for this other like intergalactic heartbreaker and whatever

and you know they get into like a scuffle or whatever and this wookie just grabs this white bread motherfucker by the throat and just puts them up against a wall and just kind of does the planet of the apes like no more kind of a thing and then like it kind of sets the wheels in motion

for like listen hey everybody we've been asleep for hundreds of years we're huge fucking monsters and these are just white people let's figure it out I feel like the part of the dynamic between the Han Solo Chubaka relationship is like Chubaka sort of needs Han

to like navigate that human dominated waters that is the original trilogy and like with the empire have taken over but I feel like back in the prequels the aliens should be telling the humans what's what so is it right because because in the future all these aliens are wiped out so obviously Chewbock's be like well I'm not going to press the issue too much so you're saying like it's easier for a wookie to get by in the prequel universe it should be well they had a fucking senate seat at the very least that's true they did take that Tuscan raiders and that

Cash kind or whatever, that planet. That's a sweet place to live. I'll say it again. That wookie planet, forget it. Awesome. Totally awesome. No wonder Yoda goes on vacation. Yeah.

There is that shitty thing in the third movie where he's like, oh, hey, Chupac. And it's like, no way does Yoda know who Chupacca is. All the gin joints at all the world. You walk into mine, Chewbacca. Oh, God. Can we talk about the unnecessary age difference between Anakin and Padmae. Yeah, I think it's 20 years.

Just about. It's one of the many, the multifaceted, this is a bigger conversation is why start your story here? Are you an angel? What? An angel. I heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.

They live on the moons of Diego, I think. little boy. Why does So you've been teasing this for years. The fucking, the birth of Darth Vader, what happens to make this what's supposed to be a really good man into this monster? Right.

I don't care about him as an eight-year-old boy. No, not at all. Because unless it was a thing, like if you want to tell the story of Darth Vader, and it is as such, he was always a dirtbag. He was always evil. He was like a fucking, like Damien kind of

kid. Then that's one thing. Because then you got this little kid running around. He's really dangerous and he gets his hand on a lightsaber and kills people. I do it. I'm doing this for you, Anakin. Click. Or do it all for you. Or started at the tipping point. Don't start it like 10 years before he starts going a little iffy. Yeah. If you know, but maybe not started at the tipping point started at least with him as a functioning adult who knows what an erection is. You know what I'm saying? Because like this whole movie. Judging from his dialogue. in this movie, he really knows what a direction is. When he's talking to Padman,

he's all like, I got a lightsaber. He's saying all these suggestive things. He's just like, I know what? Are you an angel? Like, that's a fucking line kid. Half this movie is pick up lines. Either Quigant to him or him to Padman. Let me tell you something. Are you an angel, by the way? Listen, Jake Lloyd, she's a queen.

She's heard them all before. you got to come up with some better shit than that buddy but so yeah like why not like because that's what that's the problem with i think we were talking when we were watching the movie we were talking about like that you know i like that third movie but it felt so rushed i think eric you said that yes and it did because it took we started so far back that by the time shit started happening the whole trilogy of nine hours is over now yeah exactly like you could have done that revenge of the Sith, that whole third movie, he could have just been Darth

Vader. Yes. Like start for like open Revenge of the Sith with that fucking volcano fight, which is totally awesome. Yeah. Like have that be the first scene of the movie somehow. Like rearrange your story so that's what's going on. Yeah. And then you just have this whole movie of him learning to walk and talk like Darth Vader. Yeah. Doing shit and

killing kids and all and actually hunting them the Jedi, which is something that was supposed to be the bread and butter of this trilogy, which is probably short of this fucking pod race. is. It is like a five minute montage where you just see all the Jedi Knights just murdered at the end of the movie

and just it's it's quite literally like one scene dead, another scene dead, another scene dead, kids dead. How cool it would have been if there was a whole movie of Darth Vader as Darth Vader going around hunting down Jedi and killing them like taking its time like staking out his prey

and just because in the Revenge of the Sith like towards the end it's just like I feel like there's 100 kids really banging out those imperial uniforms and we like we need this for the last shot like yeah at least establish the garb i mean i can't believe no he's exactly he's got to be like walking around like getting he like he centers in on the first jedi night he's like getting their schedule down and their habits it's like fucking henry portrait of a serial killer but with darts vater i i want that movie you know a new

hope enters and it's it's it's like oh the empire has been around for a long fucking time and it's been brutal. But then according to the prequels, it's been around for what, like 15 years, maybe? Less than that. Less than that, yeah. Yeah, I don't get it. Who gives a shit? And yeah, but yeah, you're right. And then, but the other side of that is why it's so weird to start your movie

this early is you have a 16 year old girl flirting with a 9 year old kid. She should be babysitting. Yeah, totally. She could be his babysitter without a doubt. And you just, it's honestly, it's just wasted opportunities to, hey, George Lucas, develop your characters and have it

be believable when they fall in love not just a fucking walk in a grassy field one day or whatever the hell they do in the Clone Wars movie. Fuck that shit. Yes. You know, like actually like work towards building something but you can't do that because you've decided to make the male part of this couple a child

and it's useless. He could even you know what? If you want to if you want to keep all your dumb pod racing shit, you can still have that in. He's just like a teenage fucking gearhead. You know, he loves racing pods, but he's fucking 16 years old. And you could plain to like

Lucas is interested in like 50s car culture and American graffiti in a way a little bit like why are we figuring this out for him so many years later like doesn't you have yes men to be like excuse me this is a teacher getting an F paper from a student and being like oh you do so much

you do such good work George what's look all right if this was your if this is your first paragraph right let's develop these ideas together let's sit down and yeah no no no this is this is your thesis like fuck this shit. It's so annoying. The battle on

Nabu, I believe. We talked about how that's like, it's totally like bogus or whatever. And I'll say it right now and I don't know like what he's souped up for the Blu-rays and whatever because I'm not going to watch it. I'm not going to care. We watched this on a DVD. It was like the first round DVD because that's all

we needed. That's not going to sway your opinion of a movie. But those effects, man. They do not hold up. Those stinkers, man. Yeah, it's all, it's a big fucking, it looks like you said a little Windows screen saver. Yeah, totally. I was waiting for a flying toaster to walk by. You know what I mean?

No, he was in the Senate. We feel like the flying toaster race on this universal Senate is not being represented fairly. We are the green vortexes things that bounce around your computer and we think we're not being represented by the Senate. We are the never-ending rows of colorful pipes that continue to go around your screen all. over and over again and an endless maze of confusion and beauty and we are being underrepresented in this intergalactic senate and I standing alone the dancing baby here do declare you know you got the empire is right man you got to thin this hair just thin him right out slum that shit down come on I mean how much can

we govern here oh man so here we go and this the best piece of me all of the other music in this movie is kind of who cares you don't even notice it it's a John William's score but finally and I'm gonna fuck it out myself as a nerd duel of the fate

starts playing holy which was released as an MTV video and one at TRL at least three times in 1999 I've never seen it is it just clips from the movie it is it was like to extended trailer, but it was this... It was better than the movie, because it had the good parts in it. It was just all the fight scenes

and shit. Yeah, it was like, mostly the lightsaber fights with Darth Ball. So that starts kicking in, and all of this, you know, there's a big, dumb battle on Nabu with between Darjar Binks, Peter Sellersing his way through this fucking herd of battlebots.

Yeah. And then Anakin Skywalker also Peter Sellersing his way into a fucking flying machine that, you know, goes up to the i guess there's like a command center up yeah it's a very oops i won the war it happens twice yeah he he really he really earnest p warles his way through the end of this fucking third act well yeah no you that's a more after reference i'm sorry peter sellers because it's just a lot of button pushing like hey what does this do oh i killed three people

and it's just him like hey bird what's this button do what's going on over here on this side i mean yeah it's totally just like in his mind he's just playing a video game yeah and then so they're doing that and then uh natalie portman and almost dennis hazebert are running through the streets of the boo to take it back and get these fucking filthy foo manchus out of get their greasy hands off the rest of them off the planet yeah exactly they're trying to get them the hell out of there and oh my god there's actually a like A lightsaber battle. That's really fucking cool in the middle of this.

Talk about I didn't see it coming. I'm sitting there the first time I saw this movie like, they had lightsabers at the beginning when they roughed up those Asian characters, but there's really not that many lightsabers to be found in this movie. And yeah, and it's a pretty cool battle. Like there's, this is what this movie should have been, which is 90s fight choreography and 90s special effects being put into a Star Wars setting. And it kicks ass. It absolutely kicks ass.

It's the one and only scene in this entire two and a quarter hours that kicks ass. Yeah, and I feel like Darth Mall is obviously just wasted because he's in this fight sequence and that's the end of him. But like, I feel like why eliminate your big, like Darth Vader wasn't dead at the end of a new hope. Like, why not continue him on and then maybe have Vader strike him down to take his play? Right. I mean, that's the thing that Darth Mall in this movie serves as like the, the, big time thug in a Bond movie, right? Right. He's almost entirely

wordless. He just kind of shows up to be menacing for a second and then leaves. And then here we are at the end of this movie. He's just going to have a big fight where, again, he just doesn't talk, but he's going to fight the hero and get killed. And that's all he's there for his fucking jaws. Yeah. You know, like, that's it. But no, but

the funny thing about this is he gets replaced as an apprentice by Christopher Lee. Yeah. 91 year old Christopher Lee is somebody's apprentice he's he's palpatine's boot black he's like 85 years old well you know maybe age just isn't a thing you know in the star wars universe because yoda lives to be like 600 years old yeah i guess if you're 700 years old there's a scrappy young 90 year old yeah totally i mean i

guess Yoda just really hated luke skywalker was like too old too old because getting the training but apparently a 91 year old can learn the ways of the force exactly so whatever I mean, it's a really cool scene. Yeah, it's a good fight sequence. You know, Quigong Jin gets fucking ganked by a fucking lightsaber. Yeah, he gets one right in the old gut, which is pretty sweet. And Yuma McGregor cuts it. We can talk about Yuma Gregor for a minute here because he's barely in this fucking movie.

Again, yeah, like he, and I feel like, to just kind of be honest with it, he does the best acting job in this movie. Yeah. However, like his dedication to mimicking Alec Guinness. and Alec Guinness's, like, speech and speed and, you know, his accent and everything like that. I do feel like that kind of peters off in the other two movies. Yeah. But at least with this first one, he's really doing a good job at mimicking Alec Guinness. Yeah.

His hair grows in and out. That is the one thing. There is just an inconsistent hairdo for him in this movie. Which is the dumbest fucking haircut. I mean, the rat tail stays the same because what are you going to do to modify a rat tail, I guess, other than the length? But like the length of his chop top or whatever It's just all over the fucking place Yeah, it doesn't make any fucking

It's Metaclorians guys And I mean like you McGregor He's a great actor He's he's had a great career He's in the middle of a great career Like he's not going anywhere Like he puts up good movies every year The best thing

You can YouTube this There was a press conference It was before Attack of the Clones came out And the title was so hush-hush It's like oh what's his title gonna be What's his title gonna be and it was a press junket from Malin Rouge. It's Yul McGregor and

Nicole Kidman just like taking questions in France or whatever. I guess I didn't know a camera is rolling and somebody's like, what do you think of the new title of the Star Wars movies? And Yuma Gregor was like, oh, I had no idea. What's the new episode two title? And they're like, Attack of the Clones and he bursts out laughing. Like he

has a good old laugh. He's like, are you kidding me? And Nicole Kidman's laughing too. It's amazing. I think that's what Hugh McGregor was doing in this movie. These movies. Like, it's a job, man. You know, like... It's a job. Like, and here's the thing. And I thought about

this, you know, to put this out to you guys, too. But I think the Ewan McGregor mentality is something that I would go along with, because at the end of the day, like, all right, fantasy world, someone's coming to me, hey, Andrew, we want you to read the script for the new Star Wars people.

Well, I don't need to read it because it's Star Wars. It's going to be the hugest fucking thing in the universe. I'm just going to be in this movie. And you know what? When I get to set I'm reading the script and whatever, and it's dog shit. I'm not surprised, but I'm like, you know what? I'm still in a Star Wars movie at the end of the day. Absolutely.

Yeah. You kind of just have to take that role. Oh, no. If you're asking if I take the role, you have to take the roll. No matter what. Like, you take that role. You know, if you're asking me to be in a fan of menace, I guess I, I guess I will. But you're going to be the flying toaster.

Everyone's got to do their part for this stinker. So this whole thing concludes. We get the now We Hey Movies infamous Quigonjin'in' cooking up. Viking funeral. Poor old Liam Neeson's just got a big old apple in his mouth. He's got Time stepped up his nose. Rosemary in his belly button.

But that's the thing I forgot about this part of this movie where, you know, it's a Star Wars tradition where they burn their dead in a really Viking weird way. Yeah. But everybody just kind of watches it. Yeah. They're just watching them burn, man. They're just watching them burn. And it's weird too. And I obviously get it. Like, you're not going to

you're not going to like strip him completely naked and just set him on fire. But the first shot you see, like the fire is roaring so much and it's like shitty computer fire. The only way you can tell that there's a body in there is because his like left boot is hanging out of the flame and there's just like this boot kind of getting charred off. But like the other thing that's kind of rude, like I get it. Like it's intergalactic, you know, it's whatever. It's their law.

Yeah. We have to sit here and watch this. but not everyone's quite as well behaved because you and McGregor is talking all over this fucking funeral to Jake Lloyd you know like you're my apprentice now like I'm going to teach you how to be a Jedi and he's like I'm not sure if I want to do this

and I'm sitting there like I don't think this is the appropriate venue for this conversation Do you think you and McGregor it's a deleted scene he puts his hand on Jake Lloyd's children and I was like look and the line of abuse ends here like I'm really glad you never had to go through what I did

I'm so happy he's dead You have no idea. You know, I could have gotten through that Forest Field quicker and stopped Darth Mall. I mean, I've really tried, but I'm glad I didn't. Because that man was a monster. I mean, I know Darth Mall looked like he was the monster, but it's what's on the inside, Anakin.

They do lay it on quite thick, don't they? That Darth Mall is the devil, by the way. Yeah, he's got horns, a red face. I mean, it's just the devil. Like, why do you need an integral? galactic devil. He's from the hell planet. And I mean, that's the Diablo 6-8-4 or something. Is that the volcano planet, maybe?

He's a native of that volcano planet. Yeah, there's just other Darth Balls, like, farming. Well, because that was the bit of discussion we had before we turned this on, though, whether or not that Darth Mall faces face paint. Yeah. And I'm sort of in the camp of that's just his face. That's not like battle paint, right? I'm sure.

And I don't, I think that that would stand a reason. It comes from a society where tattoos have gone too far. Possibly. Because if it was face paint, you would think there would be an awesome moment where, like, Quigangin punches him in the face, and it sort of rubs off a little bit. It kind of looks like when, like, the Terminator gets shot in the face, and it's just kind of fucked up a little. Or it's like the ultimate warrior, the second he gets into the rig, it's all fucking all over the place. What an absolute waste of money the ultimate warrior's face paint collection was. him sting all those idiots that paint their face to be a rassler like that shit's coming off with

the first elbow blow you know what i mean kind of glad i don't know i know no idea what you guys are talking about fair enough yeah you're for the better so that's it that's the movie they they award like Natalie portman awards the frog people like some shitty ball of energy that looks like one of those like you you touch those plastic balls out of Spencer's gifts and the light goes on your finger like i bet it's full of smallpox they get it home and like bring it underwater with them and then it explodes and poisons the pond pestilence you never see that fucking

those people ever again no you don't so you know what they probably were just totally wiped out jarjo's the last of their race because the other thing you want to talk about a shitty last shot of your movie by the way it's framed with like the frog king in the middle holding this ball up in the air Natalie Portman's off to the side

kind of looking at him and then there's all these like nobody extras just cheering Where is everybody? Where is Ewan McGregor? Like no one is on that stage Because no one gives a shit about That Italian planet And there is no and you know at the end of it There is no hint

There's some hints about like You know Yoda is very reluctant To take in Anakin But it seems more bureaucratic in nature But there's no hint that he could be The death of them all and this is the end of your fucking movie. Yeah.

And there's no dark twist or dark tint. I mean, that's the thing. It's so light, yeah. You want to have this. Yeah, you're setting up like the origin stories of this monster. And you can't even be bothered to put in some little thing. Yeah, that hints, this might be the end of us all. The thing about Yoda is he's like, you know, well, there's something off about him, you know, feeling to me.

Like he's 100% metaclorium. That's bizarre. Yeah. You know, I don't know what that means. exactly, that sounds kind of dangerous. I'm sorry, when these prequels were coming out, like, I had this sense of like, oh, this is going to be great because it's going to

be even darker, because this is about the death of democracy, the rise of evil, the prequels, all of them fail. It's like fucking adventures and candy land for most of them. No, you're absolutely right. It's just all three

of those movies, aside from the last 15 minutes of that third prequel. Right. It fail on every level of trying to explain to you the rise of evil intergalactic fascism it just fucking fails like no at no time

am I ever looking at what's his name Christian whatever Hayden Christiansen Christensen thinking like oh man this dude is about to turn into the most dangerous man in the galaxy there's no threat to that whatsoever how how do you fuck that up

you make the phantom menace first that's how you fuck that up And honestly, you don't need to show me that the old Republic was like good and they had people represented. Like, I get it. I get what an idea of a republic is. If you're, let's move on. Totally. If you're a good storyteller or a good filmmaker, you can tell me that in 10 minutes.

Yep. You can use the 10 minutes of that pod racing sequence that you shouldn't have in the first place. Put it at the beginning of your movie. It's called a prologue, George Lucas. Have that be your prologue. Use that 10 minutes that you save cutting out that pod racing sequence and tell me all about how great it was with your fucking, you know, your democratic society and whatever.

And then we can just get on with the rise of evil because that's all people are buying tickets for. You know what's awesome is that that beginning montage of the road warrior explaining how like the machine stopped churning and the society fell. Like give me that and then give me and then give me like evil for three movies. Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. Or just like the idea of playing around with what evil is, what isn't evil.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, you have a morality play. Like, there's a little bit of morality play in that third movie. But again, it's just, it's too little too late. I'm sorry. Yeah. I've checked out. Give me some shades of gray, Lucas.

Confer on you, the level of Jedi Knight. The council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your Paduan learner. I do not. Fagongon believed in him. The chosen one, the boy may be. Nevertheless, grave danger I fear in his training. Master Yoda, I gave Quigone my word.

I will train Anakin. Without the approval of the council, if I must. Quigone's defiance I sense in you. Ain't that you do not. Agree with you, the council does. your apprentice Skywalker will be so

on that note no one's recommending this are we recommending this for like Star Wars History's like if you haven't seen this yet by the way I guess that's the other thing I would say no to anyone's seeing this no to anyone's seeing this double no for fucking seeing it again in 3D yes triple no exactly just fucking forget it because I'm

telling you it's not going to make a difference and it's not going to look good because you know why here's why. Any time you see those movies that weren't originally made with 3D in mind and then they fucking post-production that stuff, it's just garbage and it's a waste of your money. Stay away from it. Now here's the other question because I'm just going to put it out there now. We're not, this is it for us in Star Wars. We're not going to touch on the other two prequels. So is it worth anyone seeing those two movies? I don't

You know honestly Maybe check out Like the second one has a pretty cool Jango Fet fight Like the second two have like Hits and misses Moments here and there But I I by and large you just don't

I feel like it's pointless I mean maybe I would say if you go to check out any of them Revenge of the Sith I guess I would say that too If you really if Again if you were living under a rocker You know maybe you're just you were too young

When the movies came out I don't know Just see Revenge with the Sith And save yourself the trouble I think people instead of seeing these movies Should see the original trilogy The original cuts 7780 83 The De-specialized editions Which you can totally find online

If you Google them Yeah Harmony's despecialized editions But also Ernest goes to jail It's not bad You know what There's one of those movies Called Ernest Goes to Africa

And it's less racist than this fucking movie Hands down less racist Ah, so there it is. The final rerun of the summer. I want to address something. I know. We got a little flack because we didn't immediately jump to anti-Semitism. One time.

We've been criticized more than once for not immediately jumping to anti-Semitism. And you know, like I think we said that bumblebee guy, it resembled an Italian. Yeah. Yeah. And he, Kenny, he doesn't talk like this. I mean, and I understand also. Like, some people are like, well, you know the way he's drawn, right? The beard thing was a nose joke.

Right, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I get it, man. But, you know, here's the thing. I don't see any Jewish people with trunks. Here's the thing. Or wings. Not many with wings. Sometimes it's just not as much fun to jump to things like anti-Semitism.

Just a bit. Sometimes it's fun to just go your own path and make your own jokes up about stuff. And I feel like that, I mean, this episode's like, what, four years old or something. But, like, I'm sure that's probably what a lot of that was. And he is kind of ab-da-bab-da-boo, you know. Because, you know, here's the thing. It's a dumb fucking elephant, bumblebee, alien nothing character. Yeah.

And many listeners at home might not have haggled with Italians in New York City as much as we have. Read his book, Steve Sadex, haggling with Italians. Coming out in paperback, actually, pretty soon. direct to pay a guy to losing your money who does the forward for that is that chas palmitarian it's just one sentence I've never read this

I don't know who he is what's this all about chas palmetry man that's a guy that likes talking about the old days I like talking about a Bronxdale man I will say over under Ian you and McGre like it would be a really good coup I agree

with you on the Force Ghost of Liam Neeson or Ewan McGregor. Those would be like good surprises to see in that movie and I don't think that they're off the table. But how could know with Ewan McGregor of Force Ghost because why the fuck would a ghost age backwards?

That never made any sense. Don't they do that in the re-release of Return of the Jedi? They put in the younger that's what I'm saying. Well and they also put in a Hayden Christensen They put a much younger Yoda. Which by the way, fuck all that shit. yeah it's bullshit it's absolute bullshit listen the original trilogy or bust well no yeah i've been watching

the hard theatrical cuts that's i've been watching the harmy cuts and i went back and i saw the fucking thing at the end i'm like wasn't that hating oh they're doing it the correct way okay we got some listeners who work on those things and those are some of the real cinematic first responders out there so god bless them continuing to do this project i don't use the word hero lightly no But that is it, man. That is it. Number one right there. So that's it, gang. I will say starting next week, the new season of We Hate Movies is on the air featuring your calls, your phone calls, your requests. I better not get any cranky anchors on the line. Oh, guarantee. I mean, we've probably been going through these calls for weeks now. That would be like you would need that phone from the twilight zone where that old dead woman calls her grandson.

Because that's the only way to watch that recently. That's the only way a crank yanker is getting in touch with you. You mean Dave Attell as a puppet isn't going to call me at any point? Is the world collectively over prank phone calls at this point? Yeah, I think we're over phone calls. Yeah, we can't exactly have like crank texting. No. I mean, I guess you can.

The identity will never be revealed. That sounds like some creepy pasta to me. Oh, that weird internet term. that you use and I forget what it means, which is what? It's creepy stuff on the internet. Just like when it, the term is like when you read weird shit on the internet to freak yourself out. Yeah.

And it's like copied and paste stories. I think it's derived from copy and paste. Right. It's creepy pasta. I've no idea why. Slender Man, I think is one of those. Oh, he was a copy paste. I think he was a fetichini.

But, so wait, what? Squitting fetichini. Where's a, but not a ravioli? Well, he's a slender man. Wait, but, yeah. Yeah, but what would a ravioli equivalent be? What's a short little fat monster? Danny DeVito?

Chubacabra. Danny DeVito's Twitter accounts is a creepy pasta ravioli. You have a little lemoncello on the side? Limoncello. I was drinking limoncello's with George. Oh, man. And now I'm just on the view. Giggle drunk.

Oh, speaking to Giggle Drunk, the new season of We Hate Movies kicks off next week, gang. Tell your friends. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Steven Seda. Take it easy. Thank you.