We Hate Movies - S5: WHM Summer Rerun - The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

Original Air Date: May 22nd, 2012 What the gang thought of the film: "This movie is about an ice cream fight!" - Steve Sajdak "That means this pain in the ass kid is officially homeless, which means it's either the orphanage or the fucking gas chamber!" - Andrew Jupin "I'm sure, at the very least, that pirate hasn't been paying taxes!" - Eric Szyszka The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking stars Tami Erin, David Seaman, Cory Crow, Eileen Brennan, Dennis Dugan, George DiCenzo, and Dick Van Patten; directed by Ken Annakin. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

All right, everybody got the sunblock on? Yeah. You got your shades? Yeah, man, 70 SPF. Oh, fuck around. We're getting ready to go to the beach. Yeah, exactly. I would have wear my boots because we're going to the beach in New York.

city you want to hazmat suit you don't want to step on any of those hypodermic needles full boots you don't want any sandals full boots you want some jack boots because there's diapers around diapers are around welcome to the first

we hate movies summer rerun we hope that you are enjoying your summer vacation we certainly are just like last year this is a series of episodes that have already come out we've sort of picked like some highlights right and these are These are ones that aren't on the iTunes feed if you get the show that way.

Correct. This is archive material. Archive material only, so I apologize in advance for some of my shitty technical skills. And I mean, like, the cool thing about these are, you know, you can get all of our episodes on, uh, we hate movie. How do I not know our website? WHMpodcast.com. Holy fuck. It's been like five years.

Slash episodes. Jesus Christ. Slash episodes. And, you know, if you're a true blue fan, you can just direct download them. But it's not the most, it's not the coolest way to get them. And it's not, you know, you're not streaming them directly into your phone device. Can't directly get it onto your iTunes that way. Yeah, exactly. You know, you're adding.

If you're a gym user, you want to, you know, you want to grab it before you get on that treadmill. So we're kicking things off with a very popular episode, a very old episode. I don't remember anything on this except for the talking horse. It's the new adventures of Pippi Longstocking. Yeah. this was my pick are we saying our picks or are we not saying yeah yeah we all go around and pick

like a really one we want to put out so this was Steve's yeah so I apologize it's a lot of uh it's one of the ones that was like really surprising people still quoted around and like say stuff about it today which is surprising in its success because it's like a completely

unknown movie you know it's not like a space jam nothing's like a space jam and it's a weird family movie that Andrew found your wife was way into this as a kid I mean she had seen it a bunch yeah I think was the idea

and it's super funny and really weird it's way before she had a sex tape you're saying it's super funny you mean the episode let's not oversell it no no no yeah I'm in the movie it's super funny the episode is garbage

I think we say it might be a non-recommend but it's kind of a you gotta see it to believe it yeah I feel looking back now I don't recall what we said on the episode but I think now I feel that movie is to see it to believe it. Well, I mean, there is a talking horse

and his friend monkey. Is the horse talking though? I think that's just us. No, I think we were just being jerks. Yeah. But you are right, Chris Cabin. There is a monkey. There's a monkey involved.

There's like child slavery. I mean, we touch on it all. Oh, I was saying there's a talking horse in the episode. We actually got the talking horse in here to do some lines. Yeah, that's right. With Steve, it was pretty great. Yeah, that's why I chose it because I forgot all about that. talking horse. I think since had a heart attack.

Oh, yeah, they turned them into glue. Oh, that's true. Oh, man. Delicious and sticky. So enjoy the new adventures of Pippi Longstocking. We'll see you afterwards. So for those of you who are familiar with the classic children's tales of Pippi Longstocking,

this ain't your grandma's pippy longstocking. It is new in there for a reason. I guess the only new thing is the 80s music just peppered about through this movie? The movie's set in the 1950s, but every musical number that they have sounds like a fucking

Tiffany song. I'm sure that was in the boardroom meeting. It's got to be like that Tiffany. Kids love that Tiffany. I should be able to play the Pippi Longstocking theme song in a mall anywhere in this country and it's going to start a big dance party. And they all drink Pepsi.

The one, no one can keep down. No, no, no, no. The one who has been to be around. Whoa. This is the second time I've seen this movie, which is horrible. And I mean, the little lady sat down for this one about six months ago. And I was like, wow, this is really going to make like a perfect episode kind of a thing. And, oh, God, it's just torture.

Was that the first time you saw this movie? Yeah. I saw this movie as a kid, as a whippersnapper. Oh, really? As a young upstart Eric Siska myself. So you had bad parents. Yeah. Did you just start, like, sassing him back after this movie?

Like, you just stopped, you stopped going to school and you just started like... You know what? I think that is when my attendance fell off. I mean, and this is, you know, I never read the kids books or whatever, so I don't know what the hell's going on with, like, the traditional version of this character or whatever. But this movie is essentially about a feral animal named Pippi Longstocking that comes and lives with, you know, next door to these kids or whatever, and just like preaches bad habits and, like, you know, how you don't need education. She's a straight up anarchist. Like, this is Tyler Durdon, like, 101. Like, she is, I actually was hoping at the end, like, Project Mayhem.

Yeah. Anika and Tommy would just at the end, it would all be one kid. And, like, there was no Pippie. There was no Onica. There was no Tommy. And they blow up both houses. No, it would be even better because then Pippi Longstock and would have to shoot herself in the mouth. But maybe it would backfire and actually kill her.

But, I mean, she does do a little project mayhem. There's like that ice cream scene. It's like, it's really anti-government, anti-authority. Like, who the fuck are you to tell me what to do? Go into school? No thanks. I mean, but that's the thing, though. It's not like those kids' movies where, like, The main character is up against all the big, spooky adults that are big and mean and blah, blah, blah, and they're unreasonable, whatever.

It's all these people that are like, hey, where are your parents? Should you be living in this house by yourself? They're extremely sensible. They're like, don't you want to learn how to read? Or it's 5 o'clock at the morning. Can I get some goddamn sleep now? Yeah, why are you playing outside in the backyard hammering things in a barn? And why do you have all these barn animals?

Barnyard animals. So to backtrack for a second, she is the daughter of a sea captain, who I guess is like a pirate kind of... Pirate, yeah, Captain Ephraim Longstocking. He's a total pirate. I mean, she lived, well, they get, where the main storyline takes place on shore, okay? And it's this pirate's like hidden money house question mark. Yeah, all right. So it's kind of a safe house.

Yeah, it is. It's a safe house. So basically, the whole thing is we start off on the high seas and they're just coming from one adventure. And he's like, so now we're going to, you know, go to this island where I'm going to be the king of all these cannibals. Weird. And, you know, you can come and, you know, be my princess or whatever and blah, blah, blah.

And then there's a shipwreck. But there's also that line about how cannibals love little girl soup. So he's going to keep her safe. Yeah. There's just a lot of... All right, you're a pirate king, father. That's fine. You're a single dad, so I've got support for you.

Right off the bat. You know, you're doing the right thing here. You should not be bringing your daughter around where cannibals are making little girl soup. There's just no sense of danger at all in this movie. Like, to Pippi or her father. Like, they're just these, like, ignorant, like, aliens from another planet that have no idea how danger works.

Well, Judge McIrower, It's the planet Krypton. Yeah, she just has superhuman powers for no reason. I heard that she's as strong as they say 10 policemen. Which that's just such an odd thing. Like, yeah, just get 10 policemen together. That's pretty strong, right? Is it like those five fat guys in the Mentos commercials that lift that dune buggy?

But what's even funny is we actually read that somewhere that she is as strong as 10 policemen. Yeah, there's like this like a little title card on Wikipedia where it's like, she's been her, referred to as strong as tent to policemen, stronger than Superman. Like, she's this little, like, pixie redhead girl. Like, and it's not a thing about, like, the movie isn't about this girl with superpowers and, like, dealing with her responsibility to, like, do whatever. She just like, oh. She's an agent of chaos.

She's an agent of chaos with super strength. Yeah, it's never really addressed, like, wow, look at that. She just threw a horse through the air. Like, every, every, like, townspeerson in this movie is just kind of, like, ignoring. the fact that they're seeing her doing all these crazy supernatural things. I wanted to just jump in with you were talking about how like there's no sense of danger, no sense of anything. And like that's really present from the beginning during the shipwreck.

The dad, she's in the crow's nest with her horse and her fucking monkey or whatever else. And the dad gets blown over. And he's like, all right, what you got to do is when you get, when the current brings you to America, go to the villa bull of house and everything's going to be fine.

We always come out on top. this is always this is the middle of a fucking shipwreck and your daughter is like in peril like or you could drown to death yeah it's just or we could both drown to death or like starve it see no he's just like you know what it fuck it i'll see you soon because we always come out on top so whatever see you in see in a year i would be if i got separated from my kid at the movies i'd be terrified no totally one time my mother lost me in the mall forget it not the the high seas yeah exactly shipwrecks oh my lord and he's just totally fine with it it's cool so all right so she gets shipwrecked and it's like some small like coastal florida town

and uh she was dangerously close to washing up on cuba yeah during the troublesome times yeah that would have been a completely different movie well she would have just like lifted a nuke over her head just like threw it back get this out of here russia so she finds the house which yes it's like the the pirate safe house the family home the country home but it's just all run down and whatever and she she moves in and it's like all right well i'm just going to live here with my horse that sounds like a human and uh my monkey who speaks english to me yeah mr nielsen and alfonso respectively yeah that's right they've proper names or no the horse is alfonso yeah i'm sorry yeah and the monkey

Mr. Nielsen, please. It's Mr. I love that conversation with Pippie and the monkey when the monkey first was like, listen, you're going to have to start dressing me formally. As sir. I'm the one wearing a top hat here. So she moves into this house or whatever

and like the kids next door are just like, oh, look at that. The house is haunted or whatever. Well, it's kind of the beginning is very much the beginning of Peter Pan. Like mom and dad are going out on the town. You know, where am I cuff links, whatever. It's like, you kids go to bed. And they're like, oh, that's not fair. And it's like, yes, it is your children. Go to sleep. And they, they see a rumbling next door. What's a bit of

bullshit about those parents going out or whatever? Is it like 6.45? And they're like, now, get in bed. But there's no sitter. There's no like big St. Bernard Nana dog to watch over them. Nothing. Well, back then you do what you're told. Well, I guess it's in 1950s. So it's like kind of safe anyways or whatever. You could just go out. And as long as long as you're, as your kids were in bed, you could leave them home alone. Yeah, pedophilia wasn't invented yet. I think that was invented as a 1970. Scientists

scientists were working very hard, tirelessly. Like, oh my God, now if we could just figure out how to fuck kids. We just get a couple more million dollars in government funding. We could tweak our formula for pedophilia. It was a weird offshoot of the arms race.

Somehow it all went terribly wrong. I forgot to carry a one. It's useless. so the kids go over to the house and they're like oh looking for ghosts and whatever and they run into the horse and the monkey and they're terrified she's got the horse chained up in the attic very cruelly when there's clearly a horse barn outside hey pippy it's a little tall up here they forced the horse to look at the barn too it's really screwed up looks like there's a lot of hay in there pippy a lot of room for me to lay down you know what bed's useless to me right pippy you'll eat whole raw fish and like it horse yeah she does feed that horse raw fish is like you fucking kidding me she's trying to feed fish and then she's shocked when the horse is like my don't eat fish so all right so you should go back to school pippy you should learn that a long time ago they make friends

with pippy longstocking and that really gets the ball rolling as far as like the rest of the movie it's really episode sodic and like there's no i mean and that becomes apparent in like the last 20 minutes yeah but it doesn't really go anywhere it's just like what what's the new adventure pippy oh we're going you know

we're running away from home oh there's a fire okay yeah no exactly it's just a lot like this could be segmented into a bunch of like 23 minute episodes of the new adventures of pippy longstocking television show but i think the overarching theme here so you know how there's some stories about man versus man man

versus nature yeah man this is man versus society because society wants Pippi to go to school and have a normal upbringing. Yeah. And she wants nothing to do with that crap. But she's just such a smug turd because like everyone's like, listen,

we just want to help you. And she's like, well, I don't need help because you're an idiot. That's no, fuck you, kid. You gotta go to school. Exactly. She's like this weird anti-intellectual. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, she's just anti-intellectual, but she's just fucking better than everybody.

And it just makes you sick. Yeah, I don't need a little kid acting like she knows better than any adults. Well, it would be one thing if it was a situation where it's like... One of those super babies. There's baby geniuses? All right, if she was a baby genius. But more to the point, if she actually was like right about stuff

and knew how stuff functioned. No. Because you can be one of those like maverick people that's like, you know what? Like school isn't for me. Yeah. You know, whatever. I'm just going to go out of my own. You know, I read independently, you know, so I still know things.

I just haven't gone to school. She doesn't know how to fucking read. Yes, she is indeed illiterate. She's totally gleefully illiterate. And the point where she's dictating Dick Van Patten at certain points. Playing a hobo, everyone. A hobo is an intellectual compared to this woman. Real cannibal?

There's no such thing today. How do you know? You've never been there, have you? And do they really eat you? Yeah. Which reminds me. I'm hungry. You guys hungry?

We're always hungry. Great. Who's for pancakes? So I guess one of the first big things is she's like, she's like, okay, well, you know, we're going to hang out here. And they get, they make pancakes. That's their first big thing, right? She's like, hey, everybody, you want pancakes? And the kids are like, yeah, great.

Cut to the parents come home and they're like, hey, what's all that ruckus over that abandoned house? Sure hope our kids didn't go over there. They're supposed to be in bed. And they go over. And what Pippi's idea of making pancakes is is getting a bunch of batter together, making some pancakes, but mainly throwing stuff all over the place. Everything's a fucking food fight with this girl. It's just a game. Everything is a game.

Like, this is this. I, you know what? I want to do this because it's kind of fun. So let's just throw shit all over the place. Do you think that, like, her pirate father? try to like get hurt like not you like to rationalize with you like listen we're going to go into this village and we're going to be throwing things around but it's all fun and games okay when we take the women into the tents we're not hurting them and then when they were they're giving us their gold

and possessions these bullets don't hurt anybody they're just it's all it's all spitballs don't worry that's just strawberry jam because they love us so much they're just giving us strawberry jam But what, okay, if that's true, though, what is the end game of that pirate father? Because it's like either a, okay, you're a pirate captain, okay? And you have this kid that you are responsible for. You are going to treat this one or two ways. One, you raise her to also be a murderous pirate like you. Or two, you shield her from all that stuff long enough until you can like get her away from the pirate life.

Yeah, some boarding school, whatever. neither of those things occur and we're like to believe that this guy's a pretty successful pirate but he's got gold all over the place well the one thing about this movie that's really annoying is pippy always talks about the other adventures she's been on and like oh that one time and like Honolulu that one time

and I swim with Eskimos and I'm like I want to see any of that as opposed to you just dicking around this New England town or whatever the fuck I would rather watch the old adventures of pippie long sucking than the new adventures that you're exactly right I'd rather watch the new adventure

of old Christine. But so the dad comes in played by Hollywood director Dennis Dugan by the way, which is really odd. Thank God he climbed out of this hole. At least someone survived. Oh, he said thank God for grownups, because I don't think I'm going to thank you.

No, but you know what? He's just a guy who's, he's had a career. He's successfully. He pulled himself out of the fucking horrid shadow of the new adventures of Pippi Long's stuff. Yeah, Steve, can you say the same?

No, I can't. so the dad's like so what's going on here where are your parents and she's like well i don't know my mother lives in the sun or something thanks for dropping by she's really sarcastic to all adults never a straight answer it's like oh yeah my dad'll be here sometime or something the whole time she she knows her dad's alive which is bullshit because you would assume and her dad should rightfully be dead oh yeah no he should you know he's an older man you know he didn't get lucky with that current like she did he's dead he's drowned he's in davy jones locker well best case scenario you're tom hans

and castaway which is not a great life but he's a captain he's supposed to go down with the ship god damn it well he got thrown from it that's not his problem he's last seen clutching a barrel of porter or something which is still a respectable pirate dead also funny too is you don't hear this that often but

american pirate yeah american pirate he is an american pirate that's very bizarre Well, so Dennis Dugan's like, I don't know what that girl's fucking deal is, but I'm going to fix her ass soon. So he kind of goes away and, you know, he's talking to his wife and his wife's like, oh, she sounds delightful. And then the next day we're doing the cleaning the house song. Scrubbing day is fun or whatever. Is this a musical question mark?

Like, what quantifies a musical? I think you need, see, and this is the key difference between like a musical. and like a kids film i think a musical you need to have a completed musical number all of these songs are just interrupted or last for 20 seconds yeah you know what i mean like there's nothing like i also think you need more than one person singing because it seems like pippy just just goes with it every time well also a lot of it is not them singing oh it's like just it's like the songs from the soundtrack just play in the movie right you're right so no it's just it's a dumb family film where they put in songs because it's supposed to be

like gleeful and whatever. So the kids come over the next morning because the mother's like, oh, that pippy sounds delightful. And she's bathed in her horse in the middle of the living room. And he's like, Pippie, this isn't the right way to do this? Because she's in the bathtub

and the horse is just standing there. God, a horse knows better than this kid. The horse does a lot but better. Alfonso knows. So, and she's just like, oh, I'm going to bathe myself. And she's got all her on like rolls around in the bathtub this is the impetus of her creepiest superpower is her super spin yes she can spin around like a propeller basically and she's like oh i'm all wet well don't worry i won't be in a second and just like shakes herself off it's bonechilling man

it's it's it's like she's possessed by satan but because it's really creepy because this happens twice in the movie and both times it she's like i'm going to spin now and like obviously it's this little actress on like a platform that spins and they speed it up and then the the camera cuts or whatever and then it turns into a doll a pippy shaped doll that's spitting really fast i think they just put a red wig on the linda blair exorcist dummy because it's it's really horrifying and so it basically the whole like thrust of the film is like her like befriending these kids and Dennis Dugan the father And the lady who played Miss Peacock in the Clue movie

As like the orphanage owner slash manager or whatever The orphan baron? Yeah Like trying to like basically get her into society Yeah and I mean like So basically like every single At every turn Dennis Dugan is like Oh I have these two really well-behaved kids

And now this new runt of an influence Pippi Longstocking shows up And now my kids are talking back to me. They're not going to school. They're running around like they own the place. How do I get this kid out of my life? And the wife is like, she's not so bad. I don't understand at what point in the movie we had the deleted scene where Pippi snuck over in the middle of the night and put a spell on the mother. Or like there's like a voodoo doll where she's just like- There has to be, man. Because there's no reason. Like this lady is completely like well-minded with everything else.

But she's like, oh, honey, you're crazy. She's a nice girl. No, she's a mom. monster yeah there's definitely black magic at play well all those voodoo islands she's been on yeah oh yeah no she's got deals with all sorts of witch doctors she's like she says that her mother's like in part of the son like she's a son god or something well that's just her see that is her not having like fundamental like understanding of how the world works right like her father was like oh shit my wife was just killed by all those cannibals we shouldn't have been hanging around I'll tell her that she's up on a cloud playing a harp, and she's going to think that she's just up there

because she doesn't have like a comprehension of what death is. Yeah, not at all. So one of the things, the first like big, like fight club-esque incidents that we have because it starts off small, right? That's how these little, these weasels get into your life. It's like small little like minor irritations. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you're throwing pancakes around.

Well, that's annoying. You're cleaning the house a little weird. Also, the mother comes back and she's just delighted. like she's like oh you're just that you're you're you're living by yourself and sort of cleaning your house and not really cleaning your house that's a lot of fun oh you made cleaning a game i wish my kids made cleaning a game yeah so like the first big like offense to this town is she she picks up the kids pippy picks up the kids at school and she's like oh what are you doing oh you want you want to go walk around for a little while and pippy on horseback and then the brother and sister in a motorcycle with a sidecar just start blowing into the town square and they're walking around. The pippy gang is rolling into town.

Totally. And so she sees a little line of the town orphans. I don't know by the way why this small town has so many orphans. It has more orphans per capita than any town I've ever seen. I mean, there's like 40 people

that live in this town and like 27 of them are orphans. And so she's Like, hey, hey, kids, welcome to Jacksonville, the orphan capital of the world. So she's like, hey, hey, uh, hey kids, what are with all those kids? Why are they all wearing the same thing? They look so sad. And they're like, oh, they're orphans.

And then, like, you realize this movie kind of has a real shit attitude towards the idea of, like, kids without parents. Yeah. And what's, great, too, is they have, like, segregated schools. Like, the orphans are not allowed to go to school with the regular kids. No, yeah. It's even creepier than that. So she's like, Pippi is like, oh, well, let's go play with them. And Annika and Tommy are like,

Orphans. Dad says we shouldn't. My dad said we're not supposed to. Like, what are you keeping these kids away from orphans? Are they going to catch it? Yeah. They got fleas, you know, and like, you know, lice probably. Do you think that there is some like a virus in this town that kills off,

that's like kind of, it's recessive in children, but they carry it? And that's how all these kids are orphans, like, steer clear these orphans kids. You don't want to catch the bad luck. Well, no, because if you bring this, like, you know, like Dennis Dugan is probably like, wait a second, you were with who today? Orphans. And he turns with their wife and he's like, they have it. And then they have to drown the kids so they don't get this virus. That's a never will be going to kill them and orphan the children.

That's a great move. It's not this movie, though. This movie is about an ice cream. fight. So, yeah, so she's like, she's like, oh, what's an orphan? And they're like, well, it's kind of you, I guess. But also, you know, they don't have parents. They have a really hard life,

blah, blah, blah. They get, you know, led around town by Miss Peacock all day. It's horrible. And she's like, oh, that, well, that's a real stinker. Let's buy them some ice cream. Because Pippi's independently wealthy with all her pirate de bloons, which every store in the town takes, by the way. Yeah, totally.

Cash, check, or de bloons. Her blood money. Oh, yeah. From her evil father. Make no mistake about it. Villages were slaughtered so she could buy orphans ice cream with corn. I mean, like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, all these movies that gloss over how much fun and cute it is to be a pirate.

It's not. It's raping. It's killing. It's fucking burning villages to the ground to get your plunder. Exactly. Pirates don't have W-2s. They steal that shit from people they kill. And it's all okay if you buy a couple orphans ice cream.

So she's like, she fucking commandeers this ice cream truck. And that's a very weird thing where they're ordering like way more ice cream than any ice cream truck ever carries. He gives them, apparently there's barrels of ice cream that this guy has. Yeah, it's like a keg of ice cream. In case of emergency ice cream. And the guy's just like, well, whatever, you gave me these two big half dollars. You can have it all. Well, that's the thing that there's two kinds of adults of this world, which are people delighted by Pippi,

which is about 70% of the adults and the other 30% are the people who are just like, does anyone see what's going on here? Right. Well, the ones that are delighted by her, the ones that like, she either doesn't personally ruin their lives or she helps out financially. Like this

ice cream truck driver was probably like, wait, what's going on here? And then you flash those de blooms and he's like, well, I can retire. So do whatever you want. Oh, you think she's greasing a lot of people? Oh, 100%. Yeah. 100%. How'd she get that motorcycle? greased up some auto mechanic you know so

so she's like all right I'm gonna buy this ice cream and you're like initially you're like okay this is ridiculous but she's just doing a nice thing right she wants to buy ice cream for these kids give them a nice little ray of hope and their day of misery

like every other day because they're orphans the idea why the orphans have been brought out of their orphanage is apparently they're getting it's haircut day at the orphanage they're all in line at Giuseppe's bar barbershop or whatever, which doesn't make any sense. Because if you're just an orphan, it's like line each kid up in the kitchen, put a bowl over

their head and just get it over with. Yeah, the uniform orphan haircut. Exactly. Plus, they all have lice. So you're probably just shaving their heads every month anyway. So just dirty orphans, right, everybody? So she buys all this ice cream. And you're like, all right, what a nice gesture.

And she goes, okay, orphans, here's your ice cream and just starts throwing it at people. Like it's a bundled up t-shirt. And then an ice cream fight. breaks out. You, it's like town square. There's like 60 kids all throw an ice cream at trucks. And the cops are just loving it. They're like, utter madness. The cop has some line about like, well, isn't this great? These orphans never have anything good happen to them. And it's like, you know, your town's being destroyed right now, right? All for the sake of some orphans smiling for once. This is one step away from a coup. You're aware of that, right? Like, yeah, I think this is how that. Lord of the flies breaks out. No, fucking that's how children The Corn Happen! Outlander! Like, that's exactly what we're

dealing with here. So, yeah, like, this huge ice cream fight breaks out, and we can talk about this other really sad, tragic character, who, according to Stephen Tobolowski's law of characters, is very low on the scale because she doesn't get a name.

No. She's just credited as head girl. Right. And it's the girl that lost out to Pipp to Tammy Aaron in the auditions to Pippi Longstocking that they liked so much so they made her like the square orphan leader. Yeah,

she's sort of like the snooty version of Pippie. She's like the antithesis. She's like the anti-pipi. Bizarro Pippie? Yeah, she's like, what would happen if Pipi went to the orphanage and actually had her spirit broken? Yeah, she's got red hair and et cetera. She's like very like in the pocket of

Miss Peacock, the orphanage manager or whatever. To the point with this huge like, you know, ice cream fights breaking out of the orphanage and Miss Peacock like sends her in to break it up like what's this little girl going to do peacock also like there's a lot of stuff with this character that's like you're not doing this in my orphanage don't mess around in my classroom she's like the screech of this orphanage she's a lifer like people have come to try to adopt her and she's like I don't think so I'm fine right where I am thank you very much just so people know she's you might recognize

the name she's played by Fay Masterson She was in Eyes Wide Shut briefly. Cops and Robertson. Cops and Robertsons, the Quick and the Dead, she was like sort of Leonardo DiCaprio's sort of girlfriend in that. So she's been in the background of things. You know what? Here's the thing, though.

Good for her, because she's officially been in more movies than Tammy Aaron. She wins, ultimately, because I'm sure Tammy Aaron was a real shit on that set. Like, I'm Pippi Longstocking. What are you, head girl? You don't even a name head girl. Everybody knows what Head Girl means, right? I don't think she's. Everyone, everyone, it's okay.

It's okay. She is a method actor, and she's in character still. And as we all know, Pippi Longstocking is a massive snot. So the way, like, so this is the other thing why she is just like a criminal mastermind to a tea, this Pippi Longstocking. Because this ice cream battle is in full swing. And, like, adults are being assaulted, trucks are being hit, all sorts of shit's going on. Of course, poor, Dennis Duggett's just trying to go home after a long day at the fucking bank. and he just got chewed out by his adult boss

and he's just really upset with his adult problems and he walks outside and just instantly gets douched with Rocky Road. This might be a obscure reference, but it sort of reminded me of Werner Herzog's Even Dwarves started small. Yes, where midgets take over a town. Yeah, they're just lighting things on fire

and a truck is rolling around in circles. It's like utter chaos. And so Pippi's like, well, my job's done. Come on, two friends of mine. And they hop on this motorcycle and the motorcycle just flies away. Well, no, there's a ramp, but it kind of all, like, there is a ramp.

They do like a wheelie, but it's sort of, but it gets, it flies. Yeah, oh, no, it does fly. All right, Steve, so it needed a ramp to get going. But I'm saying it doesn't just, it doesn't lift off the ground. So that's less amazing and impossible? It's all amazing and impossible. They're going, they're flying back to the talking horse, Andrew.

It's all crazy. Do you think she could be like an E.T. or something? That was, there was kind of a rip-off of an E.T. shot, though. Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. Do you think she's from space? No, she's from the fucking Cannibal Island or whatever. And so, no, but that's a really important thing. She does this crazy bike jump, you know what I mean?

Like, they fly up and it's all crazy. And then, like, back at home, Dennis Dugan's like, oh, my God, I'm so furious. I have ice cream in my goddamn boxer shorts. And she almost killed both my kids in a motorcycle accident. And the mother's like, oh, honey, she brought, all she did is bring Tommy and Annika back, as always, safe and sound, which is such crap, because she says, as always, what are you talking about? This is the first time your kids have gone out and done anything with this person. What do you mean, as always? What a gross assumption that this girl is just going to keep your children safe, that this wild animal that you're letting your children run.

around with is always going to bring them home because you know what one day there's going to be a knock at the door and you're going to think oh one of the kids got locked out but it's going to be a police officer and you know what they're going to say your kids brains were smushed all over a rock after they fell off a waterfall I'm fine I would hope they broke it to me easier no because she's the one that's been going around saying how great pipby is and the whole town's like really lady really will guess what's finally news flash bitch she killed Excuse me, there was a motorcycle accident You know that when you let your kid ride around a motorcycle by itself

They're both dead And there's Pippie next door smiling and waving at you She's got cake batter all over her nose You think she's got like a Gary Busey thing going on Like she's kind of mental mental problems after that After a motorcycle Do you think that's what happened to Pippi? What did I tell you?

Absentee owners you probably did We'll pull it down and the whole plot will develop. You can't do that. We're playing that free over there sometimes. Oh, not anymore, you don't. Could we talk about the Blackheart? Yes, this whole angle, yes. So there is this character of Mr. Blackheart,

who's also introduced pretty much right at the start of the movie, but it's such a useless thread. Well, it goes nowhere. It's just so stupid. It's like this, he's sort of well-dressed, but he's, oh, a swindler and a conman and a criminal. and he's like checking out their abandoned house, which also the whole town thinks is just abandoned

because that pirate family hasn't been back in ages. And he's just trying to figure out how to like buy it, I guess. No, he's just going to steal it. Steal it, yeah. He keeps saying, I want to buy this house and he goes to the bank. But yeah, I think that's sort of like his line to get in the door. But he wants to like swindle it out from under someone. But like it's kind of like really who really has ownership of this house.

I mean, Pippi Longstocking cannot negotiate a sale of a house because she's too young, right? And her dad's, who knows where, who knows if they ever made mortgage payments? Who knows if they own it? I'm sure that very least, that pirate has not been paying his taxes. So it's pretty much owned by the state, I would imagine. That's why that part. At the end, spoiler, the pirate comes back and he goes right, gets right the fuck out of Dodge real quick. Oh, yeah, totally, before the heat gets back on him.

He's like Al Capo. But it's just, it's such like a. a wishy-washy thing because he's like, okay, I'm going to somehow get ownership of this house, whether I steal it or I pull the rug out from under whoever owns it or whatever, I'm taking this house.

And then he says that he's going to level it and pour concrete as far as the eye can see. And kill everything that's living on the plot. Yeah, I'm like, just going to build a bunch of basketball courts. What are you talking about? His thing is, which, and I think it's an industry and

and archaeology it's an industry and it's a civic enterprise that never gets the credit it deserves which is building a parking lot it's always and like in every movie it's the worst thing you could do with land

parking lots are really useful yeah they are really useful you kind of want to especially after the ice cream ice cream incident you kind of want to park a little bit out of town a little out of the way I'd like to park somewhere without a bunch of

a big scoop of fucking pistachio on my drive way. Absolutely. And you know, and the other thing, too, is like, wait a second, if Blackheart succeeds in his evil plan of knocking down this house, that means this pain in the ass kid is officially homeless, which means it's either the orphanage or the fucking gas chamber. Why are you trying to set up Blackheart as the villain of this movie, movie? Come on. And it's always with the parking lot thing, it's like, oh no, they're going to close down the record store, making a parking lot.

Like, well, maybe that neighborhood needs a parking lot. Bogus. You know what? Four people have been to this record store this month alone. Exactly. There's 60 people that work downtown every day that have to drive in and there's no place to park. They're feeding meters all day. Exactly.

Empire Records should have just fucking went under. Blackheart, by the way, is played by George DeCenzo. The guy who played a Marty McFly's grandfather. where he's like, Lorraine, you ever marry a boy like that, I'll disown you. That guy, which is just a nice little, oh, it's one of those things we're like... Who the heck is John F. Kennedy? Yeah, it's one of those things where you're like, oh, man, that guy's in a better movie. Let's just think about that for a while.

But, I mean, his character here, and he has two, like, henchmen... The thing about it is, like, all right, you introduce a character in the beginning of the movie named Black Heart. Yes. And he has two, he has two official goons. I'm like, okay, this is the villain of the movie and the end of the movie will be thwarting this villain. Yeah, exactly. He has to be taken down.

Like, you set him up, you know, there's a bunch of scenes where him and Pippi, like, kind of sort of dance around the idea of facing off, but they don't really go head to head. Like, she goes up against the goons at one point, and it's like, all right, like, she's defeated the goons at one point. The next step is her versus Blackheart himself. Like, he kidnaps the other kids, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But no, I mean,

This movie is so weirdly, like, really, it is like a TV show just kind of mashed together. Yeah, 100% because Blackheart just vanishes from the movie. There's a scene where the last scene he has is him and the goons. They're standing out in the cold because it's like Christmas. And he's like, God, I just want that house. And they're like, well, maybe someday, boss. And they're just like chattering because it's so cold. And that's the last you see of those.

Hey, boss, it's been about nine months since I got paid. It's such a stupid racket. I mean, go to the next town, get another house. That's your thing, right? He goes around stealing houses. Converting him into parking lots. That's heartless black heart. Oh, no.

The comic book store is going under. They're going to make it into a parking lot. Can we talk about how this movie spits in the face of education? Every turn, at every turn. So the whole thing is they're like, you know, Pippie, you should really go to school because it's school and you can't function in society without an education and she's like oh yeah you know what i think about that and you're like okay so then when she realizes right that like her two little friends that she plays with every day you know between the hours of 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. are at this place called school so there's the one scene where she tries to go like check it out and she like sits of course it's a tree branch right outside the window of her friend's classroom and she gets up there and she's like listening to the the teacher talking or whatever and all the kids are like distracted because there's this insane redheaded lunatics you know sitting outside their window and the teacher says something and it's

one of those like well actually i learned on an adventure with daddy in the philippines that blah blah blah and the teacher's like who the fuck are you what he's doing here and she's like oh i just thought it sit out here and see if some of this education you're spewed and there wafs out the window in my oh it's such a sarcastic like oh i hope your wonderful education gets in my ears and I become a better person. Yeah, what a shithead, man. I'm afraid you can't stay there. It's disrupting the class.

Children back to your seat. I was just hoping all that learning floating around in there. Might fly out here and stick to me. And Mr. Nielsen. She's very bad with his numbers. I'd like to help you. But you make that impossible. Whenever you're ready, come to school like everyone else.

And I'll teach you. But now we must press on. Well, I guess we'll just have to. to say stupid. Oh, maybe I'll learn to read. Yeah, right. What a loser? What do you think about that?

Talking horse. That's stupid. But you know, this is all going back towards, it's really at the end of the day, this pirate being a terrible parent, because her notion of school up to this point is being on the ship with her dad, and her dad just based,

because at one moment, there is a brief school section of this film while she's still on the pirate ship, hands it off to like the first mate or something. It's like, here teach girl things and then it's just like hey pippy come on i'll teach you a few things here's an apple here's an orange and this banana there i think your monkey might like and that is the extent of school well it's like one of those things where like the first mates like okay

on the first day and he waits for the dad to go and like let's play potato well let's be clear about something you're criticizing this guy for being a terrible father like what's just fine. He's a trouble father, but let's also keep in mind, he's a pirate. Not only was Pippi born out of wedlock, she was probably conceived out of consent lock, if you know what I'm saying. Okay, like this guy

did not ask for this. Like, he's a pirate, and he's a rapist, and he burns villages and salts the earth. But, you know, this baby was born, maybe your mother died in childbirth. He's not going to kill a baby. He's like, well, fuck it, take it on board.

In 10 years, she can mop the deck. But the best part is, like, and everyone thinks school is stupid in this movie. Even the fucking horse. The horse, by the way. So, like, Miss Peacock shows up one day, and she's like, you've got to go to school because it's ridiculous that you're living in a house with a horse and a monkey and nothing gets done here. And the horse is a, school. Yeah.

He really just derides the institution of education. That's also a really horrible scene, too, because Miss Peacock's like, you know, they paint her as a villain so she's talking all nasty but what she's saying is all completely logical and sound like she's like listen you say you can live at home that's okay let me just check out your house to see if it's okay to live in and pippie's like okay it's booby trapped you know and she's like yeah okay i just want to see how you live and like she walks in and all this horrible shit falls on her and she's almost killed a bear trap yeah and like pippies just sitting there with her arms closed like see i told you it was booby trapped sorry government employees here's some ice cream and she tries to pay her off at that point too she's like listen if you go away I'll give you some of these great debloons I have

this endless supply of de blooms that the basement has and I mean again Miss Peacock's a really moral character she's like I'm not going to take your payoff I actually believe that children need to be taken care of yeah like I would rather not see you dead or like I don't even know

like doing god selling meth at the age of 21 because your de bloons ran out wow yeah those those the blooms are going to run out and you're going to be doing all sorts of meth and your teeth's going to fall out and you know what happens when you have no money and no teeth let's just figure it out adult 50 long stocking but guess what you know that house does sort of look like a meth house and i'm just thinking about that pirate ship kind of blew up out of nowhere do you think they were cooking meth in there one day an ike and tommy bring over an ATM machine the house also looks like the farmhouse from the walking dead what's going to happen what's going to be fall of this child once herschel gets back he won't stand for this AMC's pippy longstocking oh man I'd love to see her torn to shreds by zombies so there's another quick scene where you're again rooting for blackheart and his crew

where like the two buffoonish goons show up at the door pretending to be like veterinary services and they're like, hey, we're here to shoot your horse or like, give it a shot. And she's like, you're not going to shoot it or whatever. And it turns into this big, dumb chase scene. And they're just chasing her all over the place. And they get so aggravated. There's one point where one of the guys just says,

Here's what we'll do. We'll put her in the sack. And when it gets dark, we'll get rid of her. Yeah, they want to put her in a sack. And then when it's dark out, get rid of her. get rid of her like a like a like a like a like a nest of unwanted cats yeah well it's just one of those things in a kid's movie where you can't say kill but i mean that's that's that's that's what is a dark turn well you're setting up half of what you have to do to kill her yeah put her in the

sack and wait till nightfall i think the one of then take care of her one of the easiest things to do here is get her in that sack get a shovel out bludgeon her a bit so she stops moving and then you start digging the grave or maybe you know what honestly They're after the gold. Bary her in the cellar, and then collect the gold as you leave. Win, win, everyone. No, but they can't because she's super strong. Oh, right, 10 policemen.

Yeah, come on. She's strong. Two crooks versus 10 policemen. In issue number 55 of the Fantastic Four, she arm wrestles the thing and wins. So later on, the mother's like, listen, Dennis Dugan, like, I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. you got to give this kid a chance you know what i'm gonna prove to you that she's a good girl she's gonna come over for dinner oh pippy at dinner give me a goddamn break this is disgusting it just

it just makes you just you want her dead and like even onica and tommy are like look look pippy even like i'm with you you know down with the government rah rah rah but sometimes you got to have dinner with the man you know and you just got to put on a happy face and eat shit for a while you know like yeah you know the man that puts uh clothes on our backs and a warm bed for us to sleep in and delicious healthy food for us to eat every night. You know, you just got to put up with their shit sometimes. So she's like,

oh, this is a sugar bowl? Dumps it on the floor and she's like, sugar feels real good on your feet. Yes, she's like, oh, I love that way sugar feels between my toes and the dad is just like, you've got to be kidding me. But at the same time, I kind of feel like early on in this whole dinner when she's like misbehaving, whatever. He's like,

just let it happen. Let it happen, Fred. Let her burn this fucking bridge right in front of your old ladies, Because that's what it is. And I mean, she is driving a wedge between these two parents. She's ruining this family. And so the guy's like, okay, well, you know what? You probably shouldn't do that. Just sit down.

And then the mother comes out with this big cake that she made. And it's a gigantic cake for four people, first of all. It's one of those cakes that you'll see in the Beethoven movies. You know, it's just like it's one of those. He's waiting for trouble to happen to it. that big and nice looking exactly and like she brings the cake out and Pippi's eyes just widened

and she's like look at that cake and she kind of like dips her finger in and they're like no Pippi don't don't dip your finger in it that would be rude and she's like oh okay and then puts her face in it for no goddamn reason because that's how pirates eat cake after they murder the family that made it but it's so it's such bullshit

It's so selfish. What if anyone else wanted that cake? That guy just, again, got chewed out by his adult boss. And, you know, like, he's just, man, it's my birthday. My wife just made me this really delicious vanilla cake. I only get it but once a year. And I can't wait to have it. And then this fucking little red-headed freak, by the way, that it belongs in the Xavier Academy, not an orphanage.

Dubs are dumb, super strong face in it. It's like, do something about it, old man. Something tells me the wedge that she's driving between this married couple. That guy's losing out on a couple more things. He only gets once a year, you know what I'm saying? It's so ridiculous because then the mother is just like, oh, Pippi. Like, she still doesn't get it. And, you know, and in one of the arguments, which I love, she goes, you know, Henry,

Pippi would never put the kids in mortal danger, but oh, she does. Oh, yeah, 100%. before we get out of this dinner scene though the mother's like wiping the fucking cake frosting off her face and she's like Pippi can I talk to you outside for a second? And she's like yeah okay let's go stare at the stars

and whatever and they go outside and she's like it's like that like let's get real moment she's like okay listen I have your back at all times and you know that so you got to be straight with me right now your mother's dead right you know your mother's dead

and this is when we get the whole spiel about like well no she's not. You see where that bright spot is in the sky? Well, that's directly under my house and blah, blah, blah. And if I look up there, my mom's on a cloud, playing the harp and blah, blah, blah. She's like, yeah, but

you know, she's probably dead, right? And it's like, it's actually probably the best moment in the movie because, like, the whole like crappy, disgusting veneer of pippy longstocking fades away. And she's like, well, I have to go home now. Thanks for doing it. I'll see you later. Yeah, she's crying.

Like it's a very real moment And you're like Oh maybe she'll learn No she doesn't learn No she doesn't learn at all The next day by the way She kidnapped both of her children To repay her for her nice

You know like For her you know She didn't have to say it like that She didn't have to spell it all out Now she's gonna know about loss But it's like It's kind of hilarious Because it's like

The next day Pipi has five stars On Grand Theft Auto Like all Like the National Guard has been called out the fire departments there you know miss peacock they're all rounded up like it's because i mean again we're dealing with the superhuman so you're not going to just send the police there she's going to bend their guns you know she's the strength of 10 policemen no exactly so she's like she's like you know what uh tommy and anica your parents are just full of shit you know what we should do

to get back at them let's run away let's sing the running away song everyone yeah it's all fine that they're running away because there's a peppy song that accompanies this escape. And they try to run away by going into this like a toy car, but then Pippi is the propeller of the auto gyro plane that

they've invented to escape with modeling it after some other guy in town has an auto gyro plane. Yeah, well I guess it's a weird thing where like Pippi Longstocking has like crazy super muscle memory and she sees an auto gyro where

And she's like, okay, I could make my body do that. They get in this like this like fake little, you know, like box card type thing. And then she just holds on to like a broom handle over her head. And she starts spinning around again. And this thing just takes off. Well, again, the kids are propelling it. But yet she or are peddling to keep it moving forward. Because it's got a bicycle body to spin like the front engine.

I'm just kind of stealing from E.T. Yeah. But the weirdest part is at a certain point, like, wow. even like this makes as the vaguest physical sense as it is and you're like that's kind of bullshit and it's like oh i'm really tired now so she stops propelling and then starts like steering it with her hands yeah she's like flapping her wings and it's just whatever and they go a little ways and then you know i guess pippy's powers get depleted at some point she's too far from the yellow sun at that point so she pulls like a miracle on the hudson and they just kind of crash into this

stream and they're like camping out or whatever and this is another one of those really creepy moments where like you realize these kids aren't entirely comfortable being friends with Pipi Of course not. Because they're like wow you know this has been a lot of fun Pipi but you know we should probably be heading home and she's

like what are you talking about? Why would you want to go home? This is where we live now. This is also the part where she casually reveals that she's got a gun by the way. Are you going to go home? Let me just this thing's getting heavier on my waistband, thud.

Yeah, I got the heat in case gets heavy. And then she starts talking about them like, like was that a rustle in the bushes? You know, that's probably not an animal friend of ours. That's probably a cannibal. So you two need me. I think

this movie has the most use of the word cannibal in any other kids' movie in the history. Oh, without a even cannibal movies don't spell it out like this. So it's a Leves says cannibal less than this movie. It does. It does.

I don't feel like hunting tonight. What would you hunt here anyway, Pippie? Oh, lions, tigers, and cannibals. I'm very good with cannibals. I promise you, with this old gun, I'll be able to defend us. I'm going to go take a nap. Wake me if you need me. and keep your eyes to you.

So, so it's just this weird thing where she's like, oh yeah, you can go home. Hey, you mind if I just take this out for air for a second? And they're like, holy shit. And she's just like, is that thing loaded? Oh, you bet your ass it is. In for a penny. In for a pound. And then she's like, we'll knock over a liquor store later.

She really starts freaking him out, though, because she's like, oh, yeah, cannibals. Well, I'll go take care of that. and she walks out the tent and she starts like making fake gunshot noises and the little girl's inside like she's killing them that is literally what is said Tommy we can't go home now

we're part of a murder beef she's going to send us up the river and then the rest of the movie is Pippi Longstocking framing these two for her cry Pippie Longstocking by the way could have just as easily been the third accomplice

Mystic River. Do you know what I mean? I believe Kaiser Soze was Pippi Longstocking. They're just like standing on the bank of the Charles River and Pippi Longstocking's like, yeah, that's right. Just keep talking about vampires. Just vampires a little more. Hit her with her hockey sticks.

Is that my daughter in there, Pippi? But and now like, and this is the scene that you'd never see. because it's the day the day after these kids are gone and like the dad's running it all over town and the mother is like just kind of talking to the horse like feeding him a carrot like oh pippy

I never thought you'd put them in mortal danger I want the dad that night being like oh how's your friend pippy you don't give pippy a call oh wait she stole our children from us when the mother by the way she's like feeding the horse a bunch of carrots like oh alfanto

I didn't think pippy would stoop this low and whatever and Alfonso's like what did you expect she's rotten to the core I've been trying to escape for years you know she tried to feed me fish I was praying when that ship went under I was finally out of her grasp

there used to be three of us you know you ever asked Pippie what happened to her pet dog so she's like feeding this horse carrots and then cut to Blackheart's goons, like, spying on this mother or whatever, and they totally make something about, like, well, we'd like to take her, wouldn't we?

Well, no, it's just like, oh, can we kidnap a boss? Can we? Can we? Let's do a rape beef, and he's like, no, not now. Listen, I'm trying to get this parking lot built. Once you get my parking lot built, you can rape whoever in town you want to. You know what? I think people who build parking lots are sort of like land pirates. But yeah, so you never see the dad just being like, Oh, so, yeah, your friend Pippi really worked out with that Pippi longstocking, huh? Where are your fucking children, lady? God, it has just got to be the most gratifying, I told you so, because this guy never at any point is like, you know, yeah, that Pippi, you know, she might be a good egg after all.

No, he's disgusted with her from the second he meets her, like, there is not something right about this person. And then from that point to the kidnapping, he's anti-Pippy the entire time. Well, also, the funny thing is when, you know, Pippi makes off with these kids. And, like, they're like, oh, she has a machine that looks almost like Jake, who's the other guy that has the auto gyro in town. And like, well, let's go wake him up then. We'll run him out of town if he doesn't help us.

Yeah, totally. They're going to run him out of town. Like, it's all his fault. He's like, she wouldn't have thought about it. It wasn't for you and your goddamn science. The Scopes Monkey Trial. It literally is. You know, before you and your auto gyro, Jacksonville, Florida.

He used to be scienceless. So they wake this poor bastard up, and they're like, listen, Jake, you're going to take me up in your auto gyro, and you're going to fly all around this town of ours until we find them. And if we don't find them, we're going to kill you. And he's like, well, okay. But no, the funny thing is he's like, I can't. It's night out. Are you fucking retarded? You dumb monkeys?

And he's like, well, you search license. I can't land this plane. Do you have any idea how any of this works? No, because science is bullshit. Listen, Jake, just put the Bible in the plane and get up there. Poor goddamn Jake. I guarantee you he closed up his auto gyro shop the next day. Yeah, you know what?

There was like a field trip coming to his shop the next day, and they were all excited to see the auto gyro, and they see him locking the door and flipping the clothes sign around. Like, but Jake, what about the auto gyro shop? You know what it was? It was probably those poor goddamn orphan. that never get a break in this movie. They look forward to the auto-gyro field trip all goddamn year.

And they got there and he skipped town. Because Pippi was doing something exciting. And the sign just said, you can thank Pippi for this. Even better, it said you can thank Pippi for this. And then they peered in and he'd hung himself in the workshop. So Jake and the dad are flying around the next morning. And sure enough, the kids are in mortal goddamn danger once again. They're like, I don't even know how they get to this point.

They're just like, oh, they're trying to come back. Like, oh, we'll just take the river and they go in little like barrels and shit. Like, oh, this will be fun. And then they come upon a waterfall and it's get, it gets real for a second. Yeah, even, even Pippi is like, oh, man, is this the end of me? And so they swing down and the dad drops like a rope ladder out or whatever. And you're like, okay, Pippi Longstocking, you're the superhuman in this situation. Get those kids to safety.

Nope, she is the first one on that ladder That's selfish little shit Unbelievable Pippie, you drop my kids, you die next I repeat, you drop my kids, you die next I would love it to be a thing Where Pippi and the father Like getting a fight on the top of the auto gyro

Oh my God, that'd be riveting And like, listen, like they're like, like Dennis Duggan and Pippie are going back and forth They climb to like the top of the auto gyro And, like, Dennis Dugan's, like, slowly pushing Pippi towards the propeller of the helicopter portion. And then, like, it spins around. And then there's just a splash of blood on, like, the fin, like. Oh, my God, that'd be riveted.

Or what if the next day, like, he goes up to her and he tries to kill her? He's got a gun. And he shoots her in the face. And it's like, you really shouldn't have done that. And then she's, like, a robot. Liquid metal. Like, reforms. And she has to kill him because he knows her secret.

She takes out her old-timey musket pistol and lays them to waste. Speaking of that pistol real quick, before we move on, there is a crazy shot in that camping scene where it's totally like a Travis Bickle, like she's just staring at nothing and the gun, like the cold steel of the gun is on her fingers and she's just like fantasizing about killing people. And like honestly, like if I was a parent in 1988 and I fucking. drag my kids to this movie. At that point, I'm getting out of there. Like, you're just like feeling the cold gunmetal on

your... Like, you know what? You're not a hero for children? I like that. It shows that Pippi would defend her family and it's good family values. It's... It's not her family. It's two kids. She stole out of their next door neighbors. Now, now, I'm a member of the NRA. And I think

it's a beautiful message. So, for whatever, like, the best part is, like, they're driving back and everyone, and, Like, Pippi's like, what a great adventure, right, guys? And Dennis Dugan's like, Pippie, I don't think you understand. You really went too far this time.

You're fucking wrong, kid. Guess what? Orphidage time. Totally. And it's one of those, like, it's the car ride after the horrible thing has happened. And everyone is dead silent. And nobody knows, like, when this bubbles of silence is going to burst. And she's like, so we all had fun, right, guys?

Yeah. And yeah. So then it's like, it's orphanage time. And then she. has the audacity to be like, well, nobody got hurt. We're going to go home and my house is still going to be there with my horse and my monkey. So who cares? And Dennis Dugan just very pointedly is like, you just don't get it.

And then the horse comes out. You're not welcome here, Pippie. I've heard enough. You know, Pippi, we've been doing some thinking and we don't want you back. No, Pippie, we've already spent all your money. I bought a year supply of hay Because that's what a fucking horse eats Here, eat fish, you bitch

Eat fish! Well, how do you like it Depending on one of us? Oh, man. So she just gets sent away to this orphanage And it's refreshing. It is because she's in like a class And then she's like doing her pippy longstocking shit.

I mean, this teacher's kind of a a weird abusive teacher, but, like, it's set in the 50s, so it's kind of okay. Yeah, like she gives her a little ruler slap or whatever. Yeah, there's a strong talking to Pippi, and they have to point out to Pippi that there is, like, a punishment bunker thing, like a shed with a pit. That is a little bit of cocktie's screenwriting, though, because the teacher's like, you know what? If you don't stop screwing around, the punishment sheds out there cut to a shot of this glorious looking strong. Oh, it's beautiful. It might be just a shot lifted from Cool Hand Luke, you know?

I think it is. Or maybe it would be great if Paul Newman was out there, like, tending to the field and stripes. Taking it off, Pippie. The first way, the way Pibby proves herself in the orchidage is just getting a bare-knuckle boxing match with George Kennedy. I would love that. She's as strong as 10 police officers. She beat the shit out of them. She'd tear him your shreds.

Wow, you know what? If you were a betting man, you would have made a lot of them. lot of money on Pippie. I got the red hair and go, over George Kennedy? You're cuckoo crazy. I'll take those on. You don't get to the interior of this punishment. And it's a real shame.

Like, I wanted to open the door and there's just like a chain stuck to a wall and a skeleton laying there. A little kid skeleton. And it could be a fake skeleton, but it's just the school. It should be. It's a movie. No. No, I just mean in the world of the movie, it would be a fake skeleton.

skeleton. You know, the teachers at the orphanage use this as a way to scare the kids. I mean, if it was a real skeleton, too, that would be totally awesome because then this orphanage is killing kids. Little shitty kids like Pippi Longstown. But no, it's one of those things where it's like, you know, she's got, she's one infraction away from going to the punishment shed and she never gets

there. It's the horse been an anonymous call, like, you gotta put her in there right away. She'll tear that place down. She's really strong. I saw Pippie in the town square today, and she was throwing ice cream again. Would it be great if the horse tried to frame like pepiland stocking for like bomb building she had all this horse manure

and charges and some wires I'm no scientist oh I'd love it oh my god she said she gets sent to guantanamo I would love her to be sent to guantanamo so this just by the time she gets to the orphanage you're like an hour and 20 minutes into this movie so you're you're you're like, all right, I'm in the final act, this is the final thing. And I'm even thinking like, okay, maybe this is going to be like a George of the Jungle situation where she realizes, you know, her wild ways aren't exactly the way to live. And maybe there's delight in learning, maybe the joy of reading. How do you make a book, by the way, for children that teaches kids that reading sucks?

Well, that does that work out? Well, that's what I'm saying, though. To be fair to the original source material, I don't know if these books have, made her out to be this feral animal, or if it was just a thing where it's like, oh, Pippi Longstock and she's just this girl who goes on these adventures because, like, this whole movie, right, is the idea of, like, this crazy character

from all these adventure books comes to the real world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying? So it is kind of like that George of the Jungle, like you know, Brendan Fraser could have easily picked up some slack in this movie. Like, you know, when I missed a B. It's sort of like Beastmaster 2. Right. I mean, you could have called it

Peppy Longstocking. There's fucking Brendan Fraser. And it's, yeah, him learning how to use a microwave or something he's always interested in how a microwave works three different movies he figures out of microwave so I mean like the last act of this movie like she like kind of you know and it's great

because other girl or head girl or whatever it is like you're in my world now bitch and like we don't do things that way and you know this is how things work and it's like ah fuck you you dumb orphan I'm rich anyway you know like sooner or later they're going to lower their garden I'm just going to break out of here and you're still going to be an ugly orphan

And I mean Like she cries And she's like Oh I have to write a letter And my dad So he knows to come get me now Finally Even though

So I guess her Her dad could have just come at any point And he just hasn't For whatever reason He didn't even check to see if she was alive Nope But it doesn't make I mean

And it's just It's a bad movie With so many plot holes like this But I mean The whole thing is they're like So Pippy Your dad's probably dead Like your mother is definitely dead

You understand that right And she's like No no no you know he wouldn't die on me he's just out in the sea or whatever and it's just she writes a letter or she has a hobo writer a letter and she puts it in a bottle and she goes now bottle make sure you go right to my dad no stops along the way and it's like do you know that this isn't like you're talking monkey and you're talking or it's like it's just a bottle it's not going to talk back talking model and then she throws it back she throws it superman three style all the way to the

island yeah with the force of 10 policemen it is just shooting the sky. It's not even going to the water. I don't want to lose the Dick Van Patton element of this movie. Right. So, yeah, there's this educated hobo played by Dick Van Patten. Gregory the hobo. She goes all the way up to the attic. She's like, I guess, you know, she's trying

to make her escape. Yeah, she's like formulating a, like a breakout. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And like, the nurse, the head, the head mistress and like some janitor playing cards downstairs. Yeah, it's just more evil adults, right? They're like gambling and smoking.

And so, like, there's this creepy-ass hobo played by Dick Van Patten. And he's like, I'm the Gloomaster. And he's got all these. He's just sleeping in the, in the attic of a child's orphanage. It's really a creepy place to find an old hobo. Yeah, it absolutely is. Do you think that Dick Van Patten as Gregory the Gloomain was like the unadoptable orphan? And it's like, when you get to be that old and no one's taking you, but you just have

no social skills for the real world you just move up to the attic and start making glue all day well that's Gregory you just chain him up in the attic like that's where head girl's going to be in like 15 years if nobody adopts her right just up in the attic yeah

a bunch of cats yeah so he has this glue that allows people to walk on walls and I mean like honestly it's we're at 90 minutes and I'm like really we're going to start walking on walls now what the fuck is going on here. It's a great invention, especially for a hobo. But it's like, what is the

point? Like, we are so close to this movie being over with. Like, the finish line is in sight, and now we just have to watch her test out. There's like a trial scene where she's like, oh, wow, that's cool. Yeah, your glue invention does work. And we get, like, walk in on the walls, bump, bump, bump. Anyway,

so what else are we going to do? This also takes away from the idea that this is like a magical character coming to the real world, because here is a supposedly ordinary hobo with magical glue. Yeah, you're you're absolutely right maybe he's from some distant land too and he's just stuck in stuck in the he must be it's like it's like a god tutels and hook he's just the old lost boy that lost his marbles but he's in the real world so he's just crazy exactly and then this guy the guy

i guess he's a janitor or the fucking who knows what he's either a janitor or he's just a serial killer that's also boarding at the orphanage because this guy looks like a real scumbag Yep. Yeah, he's like a 1971 Harry Dean Stan look-alike. And that's a bad news dude. Yeah, 100%. And he's just like, he's like, ah, he's just like, I'll work and no play.

And he like throws his cigarette in a pile of old newspapers. Hopefully these dried out newspapers and that seedy-looking mattress there will put out my cigarette. Well, let's go back to playing poker for kids. I'll raise you two girls. now they don't come cheap so don't give me too many boys on this end

so she's like okay I'm a hobo I'm gonna dictate you this later because I'm gleefully illiterate he's like okay pippy you should probably learn how to really she's like ah you're homeless just do what I say

and so whatever and like she's like okay I'll use your glue to walk down the walk down the side of the building and already the places are cooking up and it's this big thing of like you know her getting down and it's a big to do. It's a big to do

but it's like for whatever reason it's the scene that's going to erase all the damage that she's done for the first hour and 20 minutes of this movie which is these like bullshit magic scenes. So like she saves a bunch of kids that get stuck in the attic from the orphanage because Dick Van Patton jumps out the window

first. It's all the firefighters and they have one of those like rescue net trampoline look at things or whatever and they're like all right Gregory come on get those kids out of there And it's Pippi who instigates it. She's like, no, Gregory, you have to go first. And he's like, what, really, Pippi?

Okay. And then he jumps. And the two kids are like, well, we're not brave enough to do this. How are we going to get out of you? See, I told you. She's trying to kill those kids. I told you she's dangerous. I told you.

This movie just ends with her putting her own horse down. That's the last out of you, Alfonso. Loose lips, Alfonso. Blam. You got a one-way ticket to the glue factory, Alfonso. Hey, Gregory, I got something for you. But yeah, like, so it's like, it's Dick Fed Patton and two six-year-olds. Dick Van Patent's like, fuck this.

It just jumps out. So then these kids are up there and they're like, the entire fire department is stymied as to what to do. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is just a two-story orphan. No one is running into that fire at all. They're all just standing outside. Like, well, he jumped and I guess we didn't have it in the ladder budget. The ladder was there, but the ladder just doesn't reach for whatever reason. It doesn't reach to the second story.

And so this is where Pippi comes in and saves the day. She climbs up a telephone pole, throws a rope across because the monkey jumps across with the rope. She tosses the monkey with the strength of 10 policemen into the beach. into the building yeah into the burning building and the monkey ties the other end for her and she does like a tight rope walk across and then one handed each just picks

these kids up and just you know carries them back across and then she's like come on mister whatever the monkey and the monkey's like nope I'd rather burn than go back with you so she goes back across to get this monkey

oh my only friend she's gonna let him die he's the love of my life life. And so the rope catches on fire and she like swings down and lands in the rescue net with the monkey and immediately this town is in love with her. Dennis Dugan, Miss Peacock. Everyone's like, oh, thank God, Pippie, you saved yourself, two kids at a monkey. You're the king of the world. That's terrific. Miss Peacock's even like, I was so wrong, Pippie, will you ever forgive me? It's like, no, Ms. Peacock, you're the trained professional in this situation. You know exactly what's been going on since Jumpstreet.

lady are you shitting me right now they also they found Pipi outside of the place before the like as the fire was raging in her normal clothes she's obviously been out of the house she could have I would suspect her number one for lighting that

got that fire oh 100% she's pulling a burn she's pulling a burn I've seen it before she is she that's what I would think you know how many towns I've had to blow How many orphanages have to burn, Pippey? How many?

She gets off on it, officer. Well, it's too bad that a talking horse is not admissible in court. You're free to go, Pippie. Someday that'll change. And then you'll get the chair long stuck in the chair. So, yeah, everybody loves her. And you're like, oh, great, the movie's over. Like, that's it.

You know, she's had a little arc, and that's it. And, like, apparently saving kids, saving orphans, like, makes you graduate from orphan academy where you don't have to be an orphan anymore. Well, it's like, you made the move that the entire adult fire department couldn't make. So obviously, you must be able to function on your own. She's an honorary adult. Yeah, she's a total emancipated minor. She's totally McCulley Culkined herself out of that situation.

And then she starts having her own spinster Christmas, where she's, like, decorating the tree by her And like, you know, and Tommy and Annika are like having Christmas at their house. And she's like, oh, no, it feels so sad. It's so awesome because like their whole family is going over to their house for Christmas dinner or whatever. And it's, I thought I caught a line where someone's like, what is that another turkey? Come on in. And you know, Pippies in the other room eating straw off a broom. And so, you know, she's just like singing, you know, a Christmas carol.

And then like, it's so sick. this whole family comes over the whole town yeah just out of nowhere just like caroling on pippy's front lawn it's great and then ah this is really annoying too because it's a christmas eve or christmas day night or whatever and the two kids are hanging out at pippie's house unsupervised again let me tell you something when i was a kid it didn't even occur to me to not be with my family on christmas like what do you do it and why it's so ridiculous but one one thing i don't want to miss is the puppy scene which is really fucking oh yeah oh take this head girl so it's like everyone comes and it was like oh pippy everybody loves you you can't be alone on christmas and this poor orphan girl in her

tattered cloak has to come with miss peacock with this this present for pippie and she's like thank you so much for saving everybody you sure have a nice warm house in there i'm gonna go back to the orphanage here's a fucking puppy for your trouble oh by the way it's still mostly burnt down i don't have a window it's really called hold in there, but here's a puppy. I guess it's a Christmas miracle, Pippi. I only have six holes in my jacket. And then also at this part of the movie,

Mr. Blackheart just falls off a cliff. He's gone. Yeah, that's when they're chattering outside. It's like, well, maybe I'll get that parking lot, maybe not. See you at the sequel, Pippie. Yeah, I feel like that is set up for a sequel. I know of a bikini resort in Florida that could become a parking lot.

Oh, no. Well, just give Pippi a few years and she'll be there in a bikini. Serving dacqueries and frat boys. Which I think is what she does now, the actress, probably. So at this point, also the dad, I guess, got the letter in the bottle and he shows up

singing some fucking sea chantey. And it's just like, yeah, he's just a giant like pirate Santa Claus coming up with a big old sack of plunder. Smelling a seaweed and saltwater. And he's just like, here's this gold. All right, let's go back on the ship, Pippi. And it's the next day. And everyone's like, and Dennis Duggan's like,

I'm going to miss Pippi, but you know, I realize she must have been really lonely living by herself. So, you know, it's good that she'll go back and live with her dad. That's great. Yeah, and the whole town's like, okay, well, you know what? This has been nice, Pippi, but, you know, things were kind of okay before. So I guess we'll just see you later. She gets on the boat. And it's just such like a confusing bit of screenwriting. And it's just like so messy because she gets on the boat and they're like, all right, like, you know, dad's going to take you away. And you're going to go be the princess of this Cannibal Island or whatever. And he's the king. The first mates there is like, Hey, Pippie, and it's like, oh, okay, so that's the end of the movie.

Like, this is really the end of the movie. Yeah, like, we've come full circle and whatever. And, like, you know, like the two friends of hers are, like, crying on the shore and everything. Everybody's waving goodbye. And she gets to the boat and she's like, you know what, dad, on second thought, fuck it. I guess I'll give school a shot. Yeah, but she's like, I can't. He's like, but Pippi, you know, I love you.

You're my daughter. I want to be with you. And he's like, yeah, but I can't stand to make anyone cry. That's her lie. I don't know the logic. Yeah, that's the mindset. But, you know, here's the thing. At the end of the day, two things are happening here.

One, she's possibly making her father cry. She can't stand to see anyone cry. But maybe abandoning her father, he's going to cry. But also, let's be realistic here, okay? I feel like this dad coming and checking in on or taking her back or whatever, it's a little bit like half-hearted, you know? I don't think he was entirely broken up by having to leave her back in Florida. No, he was totally fine with that.

Well, now. It's your decision I want to be with you more than just about anything And I really like to be a princess But I can't bear to see people crying because of me And then she like readying herself for her voyage back to land Just picks up Alfonso the horse

And chucks him into the water You fucking bitch I can't swim Oh no Oh no Mr. Nielsen It's the drink for us and this monkey's just riding on the horse's head using its ears to steer back to let this horse honestly

if I were the horse I'd like run really fast and then fall and break my leg so they pull in HBO's luck on me just put me down I feel like I try to get a good grip with my horse teeth on to Pippi and just take down the all of them the monkey Pippie and we're all going down

for a little bit of Davy Jones's locker. Speaking of luck, by the way, there is an interesting bit of information given at the end credits here, Steve. Yeah, it's not like, you know, every movie, I mean, I don't know when PETA formed and whatever, but it's always no animals were harmed in any

way during the filming of this film. I mean, this is 88. Like, we had those warnings by this point. And that's an ironclad warning. It lets you know that no animals were harmed, not killed, nothing. No harm befell an animal on this set. Yeah. The This movie says the animals used were filmed under strict supervision with the utmost concern for their handling.

Now, think back for a second, folks. There's a scene at the beginning of this movie where they make this poor horse walk down a flight of stairs. And you can see how awkwardly this animal is like, well, I'm not used to these. And is having like a real hard time. Like, I'm sorry, they went through a couple of Alfonso's on the Senate of this. Yeah, they put down a couple of horses. maybe a couple of monkeys burned up in that fire. And they made magic glue out of all of them.

The puppy that they gave, they just dropped and it broke its neck. Well, another one. Come on. Dude, you never see that puppy again. I think it was a thing where like, oh, she's like, oh, thanks a lot, Miss Peacock and Headgirl. That's great. Thanks a lot. Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.

Neck break. Throw that thing in the garbage. I'm not going to accept a gift from those pieces of shit. She didn't have a Christmas turkey, so she cooked up the dog. Oh, no, they gave her a dog. You know what that means, Mr. Nielsen? Just a little bit of movie trivia to help wrap this up. I thought this is a funny bit that I found on IMD that the house used for Villa, Villacuna, Pippie's home is now the Posada San Carlos of Ben Breakfast Inn, painted white, pink, and green.

It has become a popular tourist attraction. Like for fans of the movie? I don't know, I guess. No, it's just probably got good land. Like, it's got a good view. It's got a really sweet parking lot behind it. It's got a nice location. So, yeah, there's yet another We Hate Movies, Bed and Breakfast in, you can go to.

And if you go to this one, tell them Mr. Destiny's saying. That'd be cool to do the We Hate Movies a bed and breakfast tour. Oh, 100%. We'll get like five more destinations or whatever. We'll map it out. Put it up on Facebook. So people can do a road trip. I wouldn't go on it my

I was just going to I was about to say like if we started getting pictures of people in all these locations I'd start feeling really sad Other people can go and take a sign With them you know take a picture of it says Mr. Destiny sent me it's a big old Pippi Longstock Yeah and then the castle in Indiana

Totally Freedom calls And Pippy runs The girl who never heard She couldn't do something Watch out world Because here she comes And she's bound to teach you more than one thing

It belongs knocking Coming into your town The one, no one Can't keep you down No, no, no, no The one who's fun to be around Whoa So let's save some time here

Nobody's recommending this movie, right? I mean, it's a funny movie to watch. It's really like kind of jaw dropping in parts, but it's, it's an hour and 40-something minutes. It's, it just, it goes and goes and goes. I'm sure you could find, like, pieces of it on YouTube maybe or something like that. You know what reminds me of watching when you're with people and they're like, oh, let's watch a couple episodes, this awesome TV show that we like. And you're watching a couple episodes, but then you're just sort of like, we're still watching this show.

You know what I mean? Yeah, no, 100%. And, like, with a show, though, you can be like, you know what, forget it. Like, this episode's over five minutes. I'm not going to revisit it. An hour and 40 minutes with this movie, guys. It's almost impossible. See, and that's the thing is some people, like, will criticize this show or whoever we do, like, family films.

They're like, well, it's not intended for adults and you're making fun of it and whatever. But it's like there are good family movies. There are dead good family movies. Like, like, look at the Pixar movies. brave little toaster ain't bad so totally so like this is just it's without merits and I honestly think your kids will be stupid

for seeing it and I saw it as a kid so I'm living proof I mean folks if you met him you'd be like wow he really watched that new adventures of Pippie Long's sticking a quick note about the director of this movie a guy by the name of Ken Anakin

rest in peace but he kind of was a big director early on in like the 60 and stuff he directed um like uh uh the swiss family robinson movie uh those magnificent men and their flying machines you know he also a magic car movie he also did battle of the bulge that's a big world war two movie from the late mid to late 60s but the sad thing is uh after the new adventures of pivu longstock was his last completed film after that he has two separate incomplete gangus con films again

And proof that that type of project is cursed. Yeah, you're right. For maximum enjoyment, go back and listen to The Conqueror episode we did. You make a movie about Genghis Khan. It's put you right in the grave. Wow. There it is. Talking horses, monkey friends.

That pirate dad who's just the worst. It's all there. That little girl that just relax. Understand how to be a kid and just go to school. Just learn. Why don't you learn something, Pippi? Also, why can't you just... I'm sorry, what does the police department look like here?

Are they just all coloring with crayons all day? It's like... It's like, you know how we get a lot of joy out of looking at pictures of old-timey fire departments? Yeah. It's like an old-timey dummy police force in this movie. So it's the same kind of entertainment. The actual Keystone cops.

Yeah, they came back for this movie. This is pre-swat teams with snipers. Because I think that would solve this movie pretty quickly. Oh, yeah. They'd put her down. two seconds. It's just an unnatural being that's trying to take over a town. What else are you going to do? The strength of ten men.

Or whatever. Oh man, it'd be great if it'd be great if Zach Snyder's Superman had to break her neck at the end of this movie. He just had to do it and he cries about it and then he makes that with his girlfriend on top of a pile of rubble. Yep.

Oh yes. Sexy shit. All right, so clue for next week's rerun episode gang. Now keep in mind, these clues have to be a little more vague because they're episodes we've already done. I know. I'm thinking could it be as vague as

super unnecessary sequel? Yeah, that's cool. There it is. Yeah, yeah. So until next week, gang, enjoy the summer. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Eric Cisker. Steve and Taito. Take it easy. Thank you.