S5: WHM Summer Rerun - The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking
00:00All right, everybody got the sunblock on?Yeah.You got your shades?Yeah, man, 70 SPF.Oh, fuck around.We're getting ready to go to the beach.Yeah, exactly.I would have wear my boots because we're going to the beach in New York.
00:30city you want tohazmat suit you don't want to step onany of those hypodermic needlesfull boots you don't want any sandalsfull boots you want some jack boots because there'sdiapers arounddiapers are aroundwelcome to the first
00:44we hate movies summer rerunwe hope that you are enjoying your summervacation we certainly arejust like last year this is a seriesof episodes that have alreadycome out we've sort of pickedlike some highlights right and these areThese are ones that aren't on the iTunes feed if you get the show that way.
01:03Correct.This is archive material.Archive material only, so I apologize in advance for some of my shitty technical skills.And I mean, like, the cool thing about these are, you know, you can get all of our episodes on, uh, we hate movie.How do I not know our website?WHMpodcast.com.Holy fuck.It's been like five years.
01:24Slash episodes.Jesus Christ.Slash episodes.And, you know, if you're a true blue fan, you can just direct download them.But it's not the most, it's not the coolest way to get them.And it's not, you know, you're not streaming them directly into your phone device.Can't directly get it onto your iTunes that way.Yeah, exactly. You know, you're adding.
01:42If you're a gym user, you want to, you know, you want to grab it before you get on that treadmill.So we're kicking things off with a very popular episode, a very old episode.I don't remember anything on this except for the talking horse.It's the new adventures of Pippi Longstocking.Yeah.this was my pickare we saying our picks or are we not sayingyeah yeah we all go around and pick
02:03like a really one we want to put out so this wasSteve's yeah so I apologizeit's a lot of uh it's one of the onesthat was like really surprising peoplestill quoted around and likesay stuff about it todaywhich is surprising in its successbecause it's like a completely
02:18unknown movie you knowit's not like a space jamnothing's like a space jamand it's a weird family moviethat Andrew foundyour wife was way into this as a kidI mean she had seen it a bunchyeah I think was the idea
02:33and it's super funnyand really weirdit's way before she had a sex tapeyou're saying it's super funnyyou mean the episode let's not oversell itno no no yeahI'm in the movie it's super funnythe episode is garbage
02:47I think we sayit might be a non-recommendbut it's kind of a you gotta see it to believe ityeah I feel looking back nowI don't recall what we said on the episodebut I think now I feelthat movie is to see it to believe it.Well, I mean, there is a talking horse
03:01and his friend monkey.Is the horse talking though?I think that's just us.No, I think we were just being jerks.Yeah.But you are right, Chris Cabin.There is a monkey.There's a monkey involved.
03:12There's like child slavery.I mean, we touch on it all.Oh, I was saying there's a talking horse in the episode.We actually got the talking horse in here to do some lines.Yeah, that's right.With Steve, it was pretty great.Yeah, that's why I chose it because I forgot all about that.talking horse. I think since had a heart attack.
03:29Oh, yeah, they turned them into glue.Oh, that's true. Oh, man. Delicious andsticky. So enjoy the newadventures of Pippi Longstocking. We'll see you afterwards.So forthose of you who are familiar with theclassic children's tales ofPippi Longstocking,
03:48this ain't your grandma'spippy longstocking.It is new in there for a reason.I guess the only new thing is the80s music just peppered aboutthrough this movie? The movie's setin the 1950s, but every musicalnumber that they have sounds like a fucking
04:04Tiffany song.I'm surethat was in the boardroom meeting. It's gotto be like that Tiffany. Kids love that Tiffany.I should be able to play thePippi Longstocking theme song in a mall anywherein this country and it's going to start a bigdance party. And they all drink Pepsi.
04:26The one, no one can keep down.No, no, no, no.The one who has been to be around.Whoa.This is the second time I've seen this movie, which is horrible.And I mean, the little lady sat down for this one about six months ago.And I was like, wow, this is really going to make like a perfect episode kind of a thing.And, oh, God, it's just torture.
04:54Was that the first time you saw this movie?Yeah.I saw this movie as a kid, as a whippersnapper.Oh, really?As a young upstart Eric Siska myself.So you had bad parents.Yeah.Did you just start, like, sassing him back after this movie?
05:10Like, you just stopped, you stopped going to school and you just started like...You know what?I think that is when my attendance fell off.I mean, and this is, you know, I never read the kids books or whatever, so I don't know what the hell's going on with, like, the traditional version of this character or whatever.But this movie is essentially about a feral animal named Pippi Longstocking that comes and lives with, you know, next door to these kids or whatever, and just like preaches bad habits and, like, you know, how you don't need education.She's a straight up anarchist.Like, this is Tyler Durdon, like, 101.Like, she is, I actually was hoping at the end, like, Project Mayhem.
05:51Yeah.Anika and Tommy would just at the end, it would all be one kid.And, like, there was no Pippie.There was no Onica. There was no Tommy.And they blow up both houses.No, it would be even better because then Pippi Longstockand would have to shoot herself in the mouth.But maybe it would backfire and actually kill her.
06:11But, I mean, she does do a little project mayhem.There's like that ice cream scene.It's like, it's really anti-government, anti-authority.Like, who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?Go into school? No thanks.I mean, but that's the thing, though.It's not like those kids' movies where, like,The main character is up against all the big, spooky adults that are big and mean and blah, blah, blah, and they're unreasonable, whatever.
06:34It's all these people that are like, hey, where are your parents?Should you be living in this house by yourself?They're extremely sensible.They're like, don't you want to learn how to read?Or it's 5 o'clock at the morning.Can I get some goddamn sleep now?Yeah, why are you playing outside in the backyard hammering things in a barn?And why do you have all these barn animals?
06:53Barnyard animals.So to backtrack for a second, she is the daughter of a sea captain, who I guess is like a pirate kind of...Pirate, yeah, Captain Ephraim Longstocking.He's a total pirate.I mean, she lived, well, they get, where the main storyline takes place on shore, okay?And it's this pirate's like hidden money house question mark.Yeah, all right.So it's kind of a safe house.
07:25Yeah, it is.It's a safe house.So basically, the whole thing is we start off on the high seas and they're just coming from oneadventure.And he's like, so now we're going to, you know, go to this island where I'm going to be the kingof all these cannibals.Weird.And, you know, you can come and, you know, be my princess or whatever and blah, blah, blah.
07:43And then there's a shipwreck.But there's also that line about how cannibals love little girl soup.So he's going to keep her safe.Yeah.There's just a lot of...All right, you're a pirate king, father.That's fine.You're a single dad, so I've got support for you.
08:00Right off the bat.You know, you're doing the right thing here.You should not be bringing your daughter aroundwhere cannibals are making little girl soup.There's just no sense of danger at all in this movie.Like, to Pippi or her father.Like, they're just these, like, ignorant, like, aliens from another planetthat have no idea how danger works.
08:21Well, Judge McIrower,It's the planet Krypton.Yeah, she just has superhuman powers for no reason.I heard that she's as strong as they say 10 policemen.Which that's just such an odd thing.Like, yeah, just get 10 policemen together.That's pretty strong, right?Is it like those five fat guys in the Mentos commercials that lift that dune buggy?
08:43But what's even funny is we actually read that somewhere that she is as strong as 10 policemen.Yeah, there's like this like a little title card on Wikipedia where it's like, she's been her,referred to as strong as tent to policemen, stronger than Superman.Like, she's this little, like, pixie redhead girl.Like, and it's not a thing about, like, the movie isn't about this girl with superpowers and, like,dealing with her responsibility to, like, do whatever.She just like, oh.She's an agent of chaos.
09:10She's an agent of chaos with super strength.Yeah, it's never really addressed, like, wow, look at that.She just threw a horse through the air.Like, every, every, like, townspeerson in this movie is just kind of, like, ignoring.the fact that they're seeing her doing all these crazy supernatural things.I wanted to just jump in with you were talking about how like there's no sense of danger,no sense of anything.And like that's really present from the beginning during the shipwreck.
09:35The dad,she's in the crow's nest with her horse and her fucking monkey or whatever else.And the dad gets blown over.And he's like,all right,what you got to do is when you get,when the current brings you to America,go to the villa bull of house and everything's going to be fine.
09:50We always come out on top.this is always this is the middle of a fucking shipwreck and your daughter is like in peril likeor you could drown to death yeah it's just or we could both drown to death or like starve itsee no he's just like you know what it fuck it i'll see you soon because we always come out on top sowhatever see you in see in a year i would be if i got separated from my kid at the movies i'd beterrified no totally one time my mother lost me in the mall forget it not thethe high seas yeah exactly shipwrecks oh my lord and he's just totally fine with it it's coolso all right so she gets shipwrecked and it's like some small like coastal florida town
10:34and uh she was dangerously close to washing up on cuba yeah during the troublesome timesyeah that would have been a completely different movie well she would have just like lifted a nukeover her head just like threw it back get this out of here russiaso she finds the house which yes it's like the the pirate safe house the family home the country homebut it's just all run down and whatever and she she moves in and it's like all right well i'm justgoing to live here with my horse that sounds like a human and uh my monkey who speaks english to meyeah mr nielsen and alfonso respectively yeah that's right they've proper namesor no the horse is alfonso yeah i'm sorry yeah and the monkey
11:21Mr. Nielsen, please.It's Mr.I love that conversation with Pippie and the monkeywhen the monkey first was like, listen,you're going to have to start dressing me formally.As sir.I'm the one wearing a top hat here.So she moves into this house or whatever
11:39and like the kids next doorare just like, oh, look at that.The house is haunted or whatever.Well, it's kind of the beginning is very muchthe beginning of Peter Pan. Like mom and dadare going out on the town. You know, where am Icuff links, whatever. It's like, you kids go to bed. And they're like, oh, that's not fair. And it's like,yes, it is your children. Go to sleep. And they, they see a rumbling next door. What's a bit of
12:02bullshit about those parents going out or whatever? Is it like 6.45? And they're like,now, get in bed. But there's no sitter. There's no like big St. Bernard Nana dog to watchover them. Nothing. Well, back then you do what you're told. Well, I guess it's in 1950s. So it's like kind ofsafe anyways or whatever. You could just go out. And as long as long as you're,as your kids were in bed, you could leavethem home alone. Yeah, pedophilia wasn't inventedyet. I think that wasinvented as a 1970. Scientists
12:30scientists were working very hard, tirelessly.Like, oh my God, nowif we could just figure out how to fuck kids.We just geta couple more million dollars in governmentfunding. We could tweak our formulafor pedophilia. It was a weirdoffshoot of the arms race.
12:46Somehow it all went terriblywrong. I forgot to carry aone. It's useless.so the kids go over to the house and they're like oh looking for ghosts and whatever and they run into the horse and the monkey and they're terrified she's got the horse chained up in the attic very cruelly when there's clearly a horse barn outside hey pippy it's a little tall up here they forced the horse to look at the barn too it's really screwed up looks like there's a lot of hay in there pippy a lot of room for me to lay down you know whatbed's useless to me right pippy you'll eat whole raw fish and like it horseyeah she does feed that horse raw fish is like you fucking kidding me she's trying to feedfish and then she's shocked when the horse is like my don't eat fish so all right soyou should go back to school pippy you should learn that a long time ago they make friends
13:45with pippy longstocking and that really gets the ball rolling as far as like the rest of themovie it's really episodesodic and like there's no i meanand that becomes apparent in like the last20 minutes yeah butit doesn't really go anywhere it'sjust like what what's the newadventure pippy oh we're going you know
14:03we're running away from home oh there's a fireokay yeah no exactly it's just a lotlike this could be segmented into a bunchof like 23 minute episodesof the new adventures of pippy longstockingtelevision show but i think the overarchingtheme here so you know how there's some storiesabout man versus man man
14:19versus nature yeah man this isman versus society becausesociety wants Pippito go to school and have anormal upbringing. Yeah. And she wantsnothing to do with that crap.But she's just such a smug turdbecause like everyone's like, listen,
14:35we just want to help you. And she's like, well, I don't need helpbecause you're an idiot.That's no, fuck you, kid.You gotta go to school.Exactly. She's like this weird anti-intellectual.Do you know what I mean? Like,yeah, she's just anti-intellectual, but she's justfucking better than everybody.
14:51And it just makes you sick.Yeah, I don't need a little kidacting like she knows better than any adults.Well, it would be one thing if it was a situation where it's like...One of those super babies.There's baby geniuses?All right, if she was a baby genius.But more to the point, if she actually was like right about stuff
15:10and knew how stuff functioned.No.Because you can be one of those like maverick people that's like, you know what?Like school isn't for me.Yeah.You know, whatever.I'm just going to go out of my own.You know, I read independently, you know, so I still know things.
15:25I just haven't gone to school.She doesn't know how to fucking read.Yes, she is indeed illiterate.She's totally gleefully illiterate.And the point where she's dictating Dick Van Patten at certain points.Playing a hobo, everyone.A hobo is an intellectual compared to this woman.Real cannibal?
15:44There's no such thing today.How do you know?You've never been there, have you?And do they really eat you?Yeah.Which reminds me.I'm hungry.You guys hungry?
15:58We're always hungry.Great.Who's for pancakes?So I guess one of the first big things is she's like, she's like, okay, well, you know, we're going to hang out here.And they get, they make pancakes.That's their first big thing, right?She's like, hey, everybody, you want pancakes?And the kids are like, yeah, great.
16:21Cut to the parents come home and they're like, hey, what's all that ruckus over that abandoned house?Sure hope our kids didn't go over there.They're supposed to be in bed.And they go over.And what Pippi's idea of making pancakes is is getting a bunch of batter together, making some pancakes, but mainly throwing stuff all over the place.Everything's a fucking food fight with this girl.It's just a game.Everything is a game.
16:43Like, this is this.I, you know what?I want to do this because it's kind of fun.So let's just throw shit all over the place.Do you think that, like, her pirate father?try to like get hurt like not you like to rationalize with you like listen we're going to go into thisvillage and we're going to be throwing things around but it's all fun and games okay when we take thewomen into the tents we're not hurting them and then when they were they're giving us their gold
17:08and possessions these bullets don't hurt anybody they're just it's all it's all spitballs don't worrythat's just strawberry jam because they love us so much they're just giving us strawberry jamBut what, okay, if that's true, though, what is the end game of that pirate father?Because it's like either a, okay, you're a pirate captain, okay?And you have this kid that you are responsible for.You are going to treat this one or two ways.One, you raise her to also be a murderous pirate like you.Or two, you shield her from all that stuff long enough until you can like get her away from the pirate life.
17:45Yeah, some boarding school, whatever.neither of those things occurand we're like to believe that this guy's a pretty successful piratebut he's got gold all over the placewell the one thing about this movie that's really annoyingis pippy always talks about the other adventuresshe's been on and like oh that one timeand like Honolulu that one time
18:01and I swim with Eskimos and I'm likeI want to see any of thatas opposed to you just dicking aroundthis New England town or whatever the fuckI would rather watch the old adventuresof pippie long sucking than the new adventuresthat you're exactly rightI'd rather watch the new adventure
18:17of old Christine.But so the dad comes inplayed by Hollywood director DennisDugan by the way, which is really odd.Thank God he climbed out of this hole.At least someone survived.Oh, he said thank God for grownups,because I don't think I'm going to thank you.
18:33No, but you know what?He's just a guy who's,he's had a career.He's successfully.He pulled himself out of the fuckinghorrid shadow of the new adventuresof Pippi Long's stuff.Yeah, Steve, can you say the same?
18:44No, I can't.so the dad's like so what's going on here where are your parents and she's like well i don't know my mother lives in the sun or something thanks for dropping byshe's really sarcastic to all adults never a straight answer it's like oh yeah my dad'll be here sometime or somethingthe whole time she she knows her dad's alive which is bullshit because you would assume and her dad should rightfully be deadoh yeah no he should you know he's an older man you know he didn't get lucky with that currentlike she did he's dead he'sdrowned he's in davy jones lockerwell best case scenario you're tom hans
19:21and castaway which is not a great lifebut he's a captain he's supposed to godown with the ship god damn it well he gotthrown from it that's not his problemhe's last seen clutching a barrel of porter or somethingwhich is stilla respectable pirate dead also funny toois you don't hear this that often but
19:38american pirateyeah american pirate he is an americanpirate that's very bizarreWell, so Dennis Dugan's like, I don't know what that girl's fucking deal is, but I'm going to fix her ass soon.So he kind of goes away and, you know, he's talking to his wife and his wife's like, oh, she sounds delightful.And then the next day we're doing the cleaning the house song.Scrubbing day is fun or whatever.Is this a musical question mark?
20:05Like, what quantifies a musical?I think you need, see, and this is the key difference between like a musical.and like a kids film i think a musical you need to have a completed musical number all of thesesongs are just interrupted or last for 20 seconds yeah you know what i mean like there's nothing likei also think you need more than one person singing because it seems like pippy just just goes with itevery time well also a lot of it is not them singing oh it's like just it's like the songs from thesoundtrack just play in the movie right you're right so no it's just it's a dumb family filmwhere they put in songs because it's supposed to be
20:46like gleeful and whatever.So the kids come over the next morningbecause the mother's like, oh, that pippysounds delightful. And she'sbathed in her horse in the middle of the living room.And he's like, Pippie, this isn'tthe right way to do this?Because she's in the bathtub
21:03and the horse is just standing there.God, a horse knows better than this kid.The horse does a lot but better. Alfonsoknows. So, and she's justlike, oh, I'm going to bathe myself. And she's got all heron like rolls around in the bathtub this is the impetus of her creepiest superpower is hersuper spin yes she can spin around like a propeller basically and she's like oh i'm all wet welldon't worry i won't be in a second and just like shakes herself off it's bonechilling man
21:35it's it's it's like she's possessed by satan but because it's really creepy because this happenstwice in the movie and both times it she's like i'm going to spin now and like obviouslyit's this little actress on like a platform that spins and they speed it up and then the the camera cuts orwhatever and then it turns into a doll a pippy shaped doll that's spitting really fast i think theyjust put a red wig on the linda blair exorcist dummy because it's it's really horrifyingand so it basically the whole like thrust of the film is like her like befriending these kidsand Dennis Dugan the fatherAnd the lady who played Miss Peacock in the Clue movie
22:17As like the orphanage owner slash manager or whateverThe orphan baron?YeahLike trying to like basically get her into societyYeah and I mean likeSo basically like every singleAt every turn Dennis Dugan is likeOh I have these two really well-behaved kids
22:35And now this new runt of an influencePippi Longstocking shows upAnd now my kids are talking backto me. They're not going to school. They're running around like they own the place. How do I get thiskid out of my life? And the wife is like, she's not so bad. I don't understand at what point in themovie we had the deleted scene where Pippi snuck over in the middle of the night and put a spellon the mother. Or like there's like a voodoo doll where she's just like- There has to be, man.Because there's no reason. Like this lady is completely like well-minded with everything else.
23:07But she's like, oh, honey, you're crazy. She's a nice girl. No, she's a mom.monster yeah there's definitely black magic at play well all those voodoo islands she's been on yeahoh yeah no she's got deals with all sorts of witch doctors she's like she says that her mother's likein part of the son like she's a son god or something well that's just her see that is her nothaving like fundamental like understanding of how the world works right like her father waslike oh shit my wife was just killed by all those cannibals we shouldn't have been hanging aroundI'll tell her that she's up on a cloud playing a harp,and she's going to think that she's just up there
23:47because she doesn't have like a comprehension of what death is.Yeah, not at all.So one of the things, the first like big, like fight club-esque incidents that we havebecause it starts off small, right?That's how these little, these weasels get into your life.It's like small little like minor irritations.You know what I mean?Like, oh, you're throwing pancakes around.
24:06Well, that's annoying.You're cleaning the house a little weird.Also, the mother comes back and she's just delighted.like she's like oh you're just that you're you're you're living by yourself and sort of cleaning your house and not really cleaning your house that's a lot of fun oh you made cleaning a game i wish my kids made cleaning a game yeah so like the first big like offense to this town is she she picks up the kids pippy picks up the kids at school and she's like oh what are you doing oh you want you want to go walk around for a little while and pippy on horseback and then the brother and sister in a motorcyclewith a sidecar just startblowing into the town squareand they're walking around. The pippy gangis rolling into town.
24:48Totally. And soshe sees a littleline of the townorphans. I don't know by the waywhy this small town has so manyorphans. It has more orphansper capita than any town I've everseen. I mean, there's like 40 people
25:04that live in this town and like 27of them are orphans.And so she'sLike, hey, hey, kids, welcome to Jacksonville, the orphan capital of the world.So she's like, hey, hey, uh, hey kids, what are with all those kids?Why are they all wearing the same thing?They look so sad.And they're like, oh, they're orphans.
25:25And then, like, you realize this movie kind of has a real shit attitude towards the idea of, like, kids without parents.Yeah.And what's, great, too, is they have, like, segregated schools.Like, the orphans are not allowed to go to school with the regular kids.No, yeah.It's even creepier than that.So she's like, Pippi is like, oh, well, let's go play with them.And Annika and Tommy are like,
25:46Orphans.Dad says we shouldn't.My dad said we're not supposed to.Like, what are you keeping these kids away from orphans?Are they going to catch it?Yeah.They got fleas, you know, and like, you know, lice probably.Do you think that there is some like a virus in this town that kills off,
26:04that's like kind of, it's recessive in children, but they carry it?And that's how all these kids are orphans, like, steer clear these orphans kids.You don't want to catch the bad luck.Well, no, because if you bring this, like, you know, like Dennis Dugan is probably like, wait a second, you were with who today?Orphans.And he turns with their wife and he's like, they have it.And then they have to drown the kids so they don't get this virus.That's a never will be going to kill them and orphan the children.
26:35That's a great move.It's not this movie, though.This movie is about an ice cream.fight. So, yeah, so she's like,she's like, oh, what's an orphan?And they're like, well, it's kind of you, I guess.But also, you know,they don't have parents. They have a really hard life,
26:49blah, blah, blah. They get, you know, led aroundtown by Miss Peacock all day. It's horrible.And she's like, oh, that, well, that'sa real stinker. Let's buythem some ice cream. Because Pippi'sindependently wealthy with all her piratede bloons, which every store in the towntakes, by the way. Yeah, totally.
27:06Cash, check, or de bloons.Her blood money.Oh, yeah.From her evil father.Make no mistake about it.Villages were slaughtered so she could buy orphans ice cream with corn.I mean, like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies,all these movies that gloss over how much fun and cute it is to be a pirate.
27:25It's not.It's raping.It's killing.It's fucking burning villages to the ground to get your plunder.Exactly.Pirates don't have W-2s.They steal that shit from people they kill.And it's all okay if you buy a couple orphans ice cream.
27:39So she's like, she fucking commandeers this ice cream truck.And that's a very weird thing where they're ordering like way more ice cream than any ice cream truck ever carries.He gives them, apparently there's barrels of ice cream that this guy has.Yeah, it's like a keg of ice cream.In case of emergency ice cream.And the guy's just like, well, whatever, you gave me these two big half dollars.You can have it all.Well, that's the thing that there's two kinds of adults of this world, which are people delighted by Pippi,
28:09which is about 70% of the adultsand the other 30% are the peoplewho are just like, does anyone seewhat's going on here? Right. Well,the ones that are delighted by her, the ones thatlike, she either doesn't personallyruin their lives or shehelps out financially. Like this
28:25ice cream truck driver was probably like, wait,what's going on here? And then you flashthose de blooms and he's like, well, I can retire.So do whatever you want. Oh, you think she's greasinga lot of people? Oh, 100%.Yeah. 100%. How'd she get that motorcycle?greased up some auto mechanicyou know so
28:41so she's like all rightI'm gonna buy this ice cream and you're likeinitially you're like okaythis is ridiculousbut she's just doing a nice thing rightshe wants to buy ice cream for these kidsgive them a nice littleray of hope and their day of misery
28:56like every other day because they're orphansthe idea why the orphanshave been brought out of their orphanageis apparently they're gettingit's haircut day at the orphanagethey're all in line at Giuseppe's barbarbershop or whatever, which doesn't make any sense.Because if you're just an orphan, it's like line each kid up in the kitchen, put a bowl over
29:14their head and just get it over with.Yeah, the uniform orphan haircut.Exactly.Plus, they all have lice.So you're probably just shaving their heads every month anyway.So just dirty orphans, right, everybody?So she buys all this ice cream.And you're like, all right, what a nice gesture.
29:28And she goes, okay, orphans, here's your ice cream and just starts throwing it at people.Like it's a bundled up t-shirt.And then an ice cream fight.breaks out. You, it's like town square. There's like 60 kids all throw an ice cream at trucks. And the cops are just loving it. They're like, utter madness. The cop has some line about like, well, isn't this great? These orphans never have anything good happen to them. And it's like, you know, your town's being destroyed right now, right? All for the sake of some orphans smiling for once. This is one step away from a coup. You're aware of that, right? Like, yeah, I think this is how that. Lord of the flies breaks out.No, fucking that's how childrenThe CornHappen! Outlander!Like, that's exactly what we're
30:13dealing with here.So, yeah, like, this hugeice cream fight breaks out, and we can talk about thisother really sad,tragic character, who, accordingto Stephen Tobolowski's law of characters,is very low on the scalebecause she doesn't get a name.
30:29No. She's just credited ashead girl. Right.And it's the girl thatlost out to Pipp to TammyAaron in the auditions to PippiLongstocking that they liked so muchso they made her like the squareorphan leader. Yeah,
30:45she's sort of like the snooty versionof Pippie. She's like the antithesis.She's like the anti-pipi.Bizarro Pippie? Yeah, she's like, what would happen ifPipi went to the orphanage and actually had her spiritbroken? Yeah, she's got red hairand et cetera. She'slike very like in the pocket of
31:01Miss Peacock, the orphanage manageror whatever. To the point with this hugelike, you know, ice cream fights breaking out of theorphanage and Miss Peacock like sends her in to break it up like what's this little girl going to dopeacock also like there's a lot of stuff with this character that's like you're not doing thisin my orphanage don't mess around in my classroom she's like the screech of this orphanageshe's a lifer like people have come to try to adopt her and she's like I don't think soI'm fine right where I am thank you very much just so people know she's you might recognize
31:35the name she's played by Fay MastersonShe was in Eyes Wide Shut briefly.Cops and Robertson.Cops and Robertsons, the Quick and the Dead,she was like sort of Leonardo DiCaprio's sort of girlfriend in that.So she's been in the background of things.You know what?Here's the thing, though.
31:51Good for her, because she's officially been in more movies than Tammy Aaron.She wins, ultimately, because I'm sure Tammy Aaron was a real shit on that set.Like, I'm Pippi Longstocking.What are you, head girl?You don't even a name head girl.Everybody knows what Head Girl means, right?I don't think she's.Everyone, everyone, it's okay.
32:08It's okay.She is a method actor, and she's in character still.And as we all know, Pippi Longstocking is a massive snot.So the way, like, so this is the other thing why she is just like a criminal mastermind to a tea, this Pippi Longstocking.Because this ice cream battle is in full swing.And, like, adults are being assaulted, trucks are being hit, all sorts of shit's going on.Of course, poor, Dennis Duggett's just trying to go home after a long day at the fucking bank.and he just got chewed out by his adult boss
32:39and he's just really upset with his adult problemsand he walks outside and just instantly gets douchedwith Rocky Road.This might be a obscure reference,but it sort of reminded me of Werner Herzog's Even Dwarvesstarted small.Yes, where midgets take over a town.Yeah, they're just lighting things on fire
32:55and a truck is rolling around in circles.It's like utter chaos.And so Pippi's like, well, my job's done.Come on, two friends of mine.And they hop on this motorcycleand the motorcycle just flies away.Well, no, there's a ramp, but it kind of all, like,there is a ramp.
33:12They do like a wheelie, but it's sort of,but it gets, it flies.Yeah, oh, no, it does fly.All right, Steve, so it needed a ramp to get going.But I'm saying it doesn't just, it doesn't lift off the ground.So that's less amazing and impossible?It's all amazing and impossible.They're going, they're flying back to the talking horse, Andrew.
33:34It's all crazy.Do you think she could be like an E.T. or something?That was, there was kind of a rip-off of an E.T. shot, though.Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely.Do you think she's from space?No, she's from the fucking Cannibal Island or whatever.And so, no, but that's a really important thing.She does this crazy bike jump, you know what I mean?
33:53Like, they fly up and it's all crazy.And then, like, back at home, Dennis Dugan's like, oh, my God, I'm so furious.I have ice cream in my goddamn boxer shorts.And she almost killed both my kids in a motorcycle accident.And the mother's like, oh, honey, she brought, all she did is bring Tommy and Annika back, as always, safe and sound, which is such crap, because she says, as always, what are you talking about?This is the first time your kids have gone out and done anything with this person.What do you mean, as always?What a gross assumption that this girl is just going to keep your children safe, that this wild animal that you're letting your children run.
34:35around with is always going to bring them home because you know what one day there's going to be a knock atthe door and you're going to think oh one of the kids got locked out but it's going to be a policeofficer and you know what they're going to say your kids brains were smushed all over a rockafter they fell off a waterfall I'm fine I would hope they broke it to me easier no becauseshe's the one that's been going around saying how great pipby is and the whole town's likereally lady really will guess what's finally news flash bitch she killedExcuse me, there was a motorcycle accidentYou know that when you let your kid ride around a motorcycle by itself
35:14They're both deadAnd there's Pippie next door smiling and waving at youShe's got cake batter all over her noseYou think she's got like a Gary Busey thing going onLike she's kind of mental mental problems after thatAfter a motorcycleDo you think that's what happened to Pippi?What did I tell you?
35:33Absentee owners you probably didWe'll pull it down and the whole plot will develop.You can't do that.We're playing that free over there sometimes.Oh, not anymore, you don't.Could we talk about the Blackheart?Yes, this whole angle, yes.So there is this character of Mr. Blackheart,
35:51who's also introduced pretty much right at the start of the movie,but it's such a useless thread.Well, it goes nowhere.It's just so stupid.It's like this, he's sort of well-dressed,but he's, oh, a swindler and a conman and a criminal.and he's like checking out their abandoned house,which also the whole town thinks is just abandoned
36:10because that pirate family hasn't been back in ages.And he's just trying to figure out how to like buy it, I guess.No, he's just going to steal it.Steal it, yeah.He keeps saying, I want to buy this house and he goes to the bank.But yeah, I think that's sort of like his line to get in the door.But he wants to like swindle it out from under someone.But like it's kind of like really who really has ownership of this house.
36:34I mean, Pippi Longstocking cannot negotiate a sale of a house because she's too young, right?And her dad's, who knows where, who knows if they ever made mortgage payments?Who knows if they own it?I'm sure that very least, that pirate has not been paying his taxes.So it's pretty much owned by the state, I would imagine.That's why that part.At the end, spoiler, the pirate comes back and he goes right, gets right the fuck out of Dodge real quick.Oh, yeah, totally, before the heat gets back on him.
37:01He's like Al Capo.But it's just, it's such like a.a wishy-washy thing becausehe's like, okay,I'm going to somehow getownership of this house, whether I steal itor I pull the rug out from under whoever ownsit or whatever, I'm taking this house.
37:16And then he says that he's going to level itand pour concreteas far as the eye can see.And kill everything that's living on the plot.Yeah, I'm like, just going to build a bunch of basketballcourts. What are you talking about?His thing is, which, and I thinkit's an industry and
37:32and archaeologyit's an industryand it's a civic enterprisethat never gets the credit it deserveswhich is building a parking lotit's alwaysand like in every movieit's the worst thing you could do with land
37:46parking lots are really usefulyeah they are really usefulyou kind of want toespecially after the ice creamice cream incident you kind of want to parka little bit out of towna little out of the wayI'd like to park somewhere without a bunch of
37:59a big scoop of fuckingpistachio on my driveway. Absolutely. And you know, and the other thing, too, is like, wait a second, if Blackheartsucceeds in his evil plan of knocking down this house, that means this pain in the ass kid isofficially homeless, which means it's either the orphanage or the fucking gas chamber.Why are you trying to set up Blackheart as the villain of this movie, movie? Come on. And it'salways with the parking lot thing, it's like, oh no, they're going to close down the record store,making a parking lot.
38:32Like, well, maybe that neighborhood needs a parking lot.Bogus.You know what?Four people have been to this record store this month alone.Exactly.There's 60 people that work downtown every day that have to drive in and there's no place to park.They're feeding meters all day.Exactly.
38:50Empire Records should have just fucking went under.Blackheart, by the way, is played by George DeCenzo.The guy who played a Marty McFly's grandfather.where he's like, Lorraine, you ever marry a boy like that, I'll disown you.That guy, which is just a nice little, oh, it's one of those things we're like...Who the heck is John F. Kennedy?Yeah, it's one of those things where you're like, oh, man, that guy's in a better movie.Let's just think about that for a while.
39:15But, I mean, his character here, and he has two, like, henchmen...The thing about it is, like, all right, you introduce a character in the beginning of the movie named Black Heart.Yes.And he has two, he has two official goons.I'm like, okay, this is the villain of the movieand the end of the movie will bethwarting this villain. Yeah, exactly.He has to be taken down.
39:36Like, you set him up, you know, there's a bunch of sceneswhere him and Pippi, like, kind of sort of dancearound the idea of facing off, but they don't really go head to head.Like, she goes up against the goons at one point,and it's like, all right, like, she's defeated the goons at one point.The next step is her versus Blackheart himself.Like, he kidnaps the other kids, blah, blah, blah, whatever.But no, I mean,
39:59This movie is so weirdly, like, really, it is like a TV show just kind of mashed together.Yeah, 100% because Blackheart just vanishes from the movie.There's a scene where the last scene he has is him and the goons.They're standing out in the cold because it's like Christmas.And he's like, God, I just want that house.And they're like, well, maybe someday, boss.And they're just like chattering because it's so cold.And that's the last you see of those.
40:22Hey, boss, it's been about nine months since I got paid.It's such a stupid racket.I mean, go to the next town, get another house.That's your thing, right?He goes around stealing houses.Converting him into parking lots.That's heartless black heart.Oh, no.
40:39The comic book store is going under.They're going to make it into a parking lot.Can we talk about how this movie spits in the face of education?Every turn, at every turn.So the whole thing is they're like, you know, Pippie, you should really go to schoolbecause it's school and you can't function in society without an education and she's like oh yeah you know what i think about that and you're like okay so then when she realizes right that like her two little friends that she plays with every day you know between the hours of 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. are at this place called school so there's the one scene where she tries to go like check it out and she like sits of course it's a tree branch right outside the window of her friend's classroom and she gets up there and she's like listening to thethe teacher talking or whatever and all the kids are like distracted because there's this insaneredheaded lunatics you know sitting outside their window and the teacher says something and it's
41:34one of those like well actually i learned on an adventure with daddy in the philippines that blahblah blah and the teacher's like who the fuck are you what he's doing here and she's like oh i justthought it sit out here and see if some of this education you're spewed and there wafs outthe window in my oh it's such a sarcastic like oh i hope your wonderful education gets in my earsand I become a better person.Yeah, what a shithead, man.I'm afraid you can't stay there.It's disrupting the class.
42:01Children back to your seat.I was just hoping all that learning floating around in there.Might fly out here and stick to me.And Mr. Nielsen.She's very bad with his numbers.I'd like to help you.But you make that impossible.Whenever you're ready, come to school like everyone else.
42:19And I'll teach you.But now we must press on.Well, I guess we'll just have to.to say stupid.Oh, maybe I'll learn to read.Yeah, right.What a loser?What do you think about that?
42:30Talking horse.That's stupid.But you know, this is all going back towards,it's really at the end of the day,this pirate being a terrible parent,because her notion of school up to this pointis being on the ship with her dad,and her dad just based,
42:45because at one moment,there is a brief school section of this filmwhile she's still on the pirate ship,hands it off to like the first mate or something.It's like,here teach girl things and then it's just like hey pippy come on i'll teach you a few thingshere's an apple here's an orange and this banana there i think your monkey might like and that isthe extent of school well it's like one of those things where like the first mates like okay
43:11on the first day and he waits for the dad to go and like let's play potato well let's beclear about something you're criticizing this guy for being a terrible father like what's justfine. He's a trouble father, but let's also keepin mind, he's a pirate. Not onlywas Pippi born out of wedlock, she wasprobably conceived out of consentlock, if you know what I'm saying.Okay, like this guy
43:34did not ask for this.Like, he's a pirate,and he's a rapist, and he burnsvillages and salts the earth. But, you know,this baby was born, maybe yourmother died in childbirth. He's notgoing to kill a baby. He's like,well, fuck it, take it on board.
43:50In 10 years, she can mop the deck.But the best part is, like, and everyone thinks school is stupid in this movie.Even the fucking horse.The horse, by the way.So, like, Miss Peacock shows up one day, and she's like, you've got to go to schoolbecause it's ridiculous that you're living in a house with a horse and a monkey and nothing gets done here.And the horse is a, school.Yeah.
44:14He really just derides the institution of education.That's also a really horrible scene, too, because Miss Peacock's like, you know,they paint her as a villain so she's talking all nasty but what she's saying is all completely logical and sound like she's like listen you say you can live at home that's okay let me just check out your house to see if it's okay to live in and pippie's like okay it's booby trapped you know and she's like yeah okay i just want to see how you liveand like she walks in and all this horrible shit falls on her and she's almost killed a bear trap yeah and like pippies just sitting there with her arms closed like see i told you it was booby trapped sorry government employeeshere's some ice creamand she tries to pay her offat that point too she's like listen if you go awayI'll give you some of these great debloons I have
45:00this endless supply of de bloomsthat the basement has and I meanagain Miss Peacock's a really moral charactershe's like I'm not going to take your payoffI actually believe that children need to betaken care of yeahlike I would rather not see you deador like I don't even know
45:16like doing god selling methat the age of 21 because your de bloonsran out wow yeah those thosethe blooms are going to run out and you're going to be doing all sorts of meth and your teeth's going to fall out and you know what happens when you have no money and no teeth let's just figure it out adult 50 long stocking but guess what you know that house does sort of look like a meth house and i'm just thinking about that pirate ship kind of blew up out of nowhere do you think they were cooking meth in there one day an ike and tommy bring over an ATM machinethe house also looks like the farmhouse from the walking deadwhat's going to happen what's going to be fall of this child once herschel gets back he won'tstand for this AMC's pippy longstocking oh man I'd love to see her torn to shreds by zombiesso there's another quick scene where you're again rooting for blackheart and his crew
46:10where like the two buffoonish goons show up at the door pretending to be like veterinary servicesand they're like, hey, we're here to shoot your horseor like, give it a shot.And she's like, you're not going to shoot it or whatever.And it turns into this big, dumb chase scene.And they're just chasing her all over the place.And they get so aggravated.There's one point where one of the guys just says,
46:32Here's what we'll do.We'll put her in the sack.And when it gets dark, we'll get rid of her.Yeah, they want to put her in a sack.And then when it's dark out, get rid of her.get rid of her like a like a like a like a like a nest of unwanted cats yeah well it's just one of thosethings in a kid's movie where you can't say kill but i mean that's that's that's that's whatis a dark turn well you're setting up half of what you have to do to kill her yeah put her in the
47:00sack and wait till nightfall i think the one of then take care of her one of the easiest thingsto do here is get her in that sack get a shovel out bludgeon her a bit so she stops movingand then you start digging the grave or maybe you know what honestlyThey're after the gold.Bary her in the cellar, and then collect the gold as you leave.Win, win, everyone.No, but they can't because she's super strong.Oh, right, 10 policemen.
47:27Yeah, come on.She's strong.Two crooks versus 10 policemen.In issue number 55 of the Fantastic Four, she arm wrestles the thing and wins.So later on, the mother's like, listen, Dennis Dugan, like, I'm sick and tired of yourbullshit.you got to give this kid a chance you know what i'm gonna prove to you that she's a good girlshe's gonna come over for dinner oh pippy at dinner give me a goddamn break this is disgusting it just
47:53it just makes you just you want her dead and like even onica and tommy are like look look pippyeven like i'm with you you know down with the government rah rah rah but sometimes you got tohave dinner with the man you know and you just got to put on a happy face and eat shit for a whileyou know like yeah you know the man that puts uh clothes on our backs anda warm bed for us to sleep inand delicious healthy food for us to eatevery night. You know, you just got to put up with theirshit sometimes. So she's like,
48:21oh, this is a sugar bowl? Dumps it onthe floor and she's like, sugar feels realgood on your feet. Yes, she's like, oh,I love that way sugar feels between my toesand the dad is just like, you'vegot to be kidding me. But at the same time,I kind of feel like early on in this wholedinner when she's like misbehaving, whatever. He's like,
48:37just let it happen. Let it happen, Fred.Let her burn this fucking bridge right in front of your old ladies,Because that's what it is.And I mean, she is driving a wedge between these two parents.She's ruining this family.And so the guy's like, okay, well, you know what?You probably shouldn't do that.Just sit down.
48:58And then the mother comes out with this big cake that she made.And it's a gigantic cake for four people, first of all.It's one of those cakes that you'll see in the Beethoven movies.You know, it's just like it's one of those.He's waiting for trouble to happen to it.that big and nice looking exactlyand like she brings the cake outand Pippi's eyes just widened
49:21and she's like look at that cakeand she kind of like dips her finger in and they're like noPippi don't don't dip your finger in it that would be rudeand she's like oh okay and thenputs her face in it for nogoddamn reason because that's how pirateseat cake after they murder the family that made itbut it's so it's such bullshit
49:43It's so selfish.What if anyone else wanted that cake?That guy just, again, got chewed out by his adult boss.And, you know, like, he's just, man, it's my birthday.My wife just made me this really delicious vanilla cake.I only get it but once a year.And I can't wait to have it.And then this fucking little red-headed freak, by the way, that it belongs in the Xavier Academy, not an orphanage.
50:07Dubs are dumb, super strong face in it.It's like, do something about it, old man.Something tells me the wedge that she's driving between this married couple.That guy's losing out on a couple more things.He only gets once a year, you know what I'm saying?It's so ridiculous because then the mother is just like, oh, Pippi.Like, she still doesn't get it.And, you know, and in one of the arguments, which I love, she goes, you know, Henry,
50:36Pippi would never put the kids in mortal danger, but oh, she does.Oh, yeah, 100%.before we get out of this dinner scene thoughthe mother's like wiping the fucking cakefrosting off her face and she's likePippi can I talk to you outsidefor a second? And she's like yeahokay let's go stare at the stars
50:54and whatever and they go outside and she's likeit's like that like let's get real momentshe's like okay listenI have your back at all timesand you know that so you got to bestraight with me right nowyour mother's dead rightyou know your mother's dead
51:09and this is when we get the whole spiel about likewell noshe's not. You see where that bright spotis in the sky? Well, that's directlyunder my house and blah, blah, blah. And if Ilook up there, my mom's on a cloud, playingthe harp and blah, blah, blah. She's like,yeah, but
51:23you know, she's probably dead, right?And it's like, it's actually probably the best momentin the movie because, like, the wholelike crappy, disgustingveneer of pippy longstockingfades away. And she's like, well, I have to gohome now. Thanks for doing it. I'll see youlater. Yeah, she's crying.
51:41Like it's a very real momentAnd you're likeOh maybe she'll learnNo she doesn't learnNo she doesn't learn at allThe next day by the wayShe kidnapped both of her childrenTo repay her for her nice
51:53You know likeFor her you knowShe didn't have to say it like thatShe didn't have to spell it all outNow she's gonna know about lossBut it's likeIt's kind of hilariousBecause it's like
52:04The next day Pipi has five starsOn Grand Theft AutoLike allLike the National Guardhas been called out the fire departments there you know miss peacock they're all rounded up likeit's because i mean again we're dealing with the superhuman so you're not going to just send thepolice there she's going to bend their guns you know she's the strength of 10 policemen no exactly so she's likeshe's like you know what uh tommy and anica your parents are just full of shit you know what we should do
52:33to get back at them let's run away let's sing the running away song everyone yeah it's all finethat they're running away because there's a peppy songthat accompanies this escape.And they try to run away by goinginto this like a toycar, but then Pippiis the propeller ofthe auto gyro plane that
52:53they've invented to escape withmodeling it after someother guy in town has anauto gyro plane. Yeah, wellI guess it's a weird thing where like PippiLongstocking has likecrazy super muscle memoryand she sees an auto gyro where
53:09And she's like, okay, I could make my body do that.They get in this like this like fake little, you know, like box card type thing.And then she just holds on to like a broom handle over her head.And she starts spinning around again.And this thing just takes off.Well, again, the kids are propelling it.But yet she or are peddling to keep it moving forward.Because it's got a bicycle body to spin like the front engine.
53:32I'm just kind of stealing from E.T.Yeah.But the weirdest part is at a certain point, like, wow.even like this makes as the vaguest physical sense as it is and you're like that's kind of bullshitand it's like oh i'm really tired now so she stops propelling and then starts like steering it withher hands yeah she's like flapping her wings and it's just whatever and they go a little waysand then you know i guess pippy's powers get depleted at some point she's too far from the yellowsun at that point so she pulls like a miracle on the hudson and they just kind of crash into this
54:06stream and they're like campingout or whatever and this is another oneof those really creepy moments where likeyou realize these kids aren't entirelycomfortable being friends with PipiOf course not. Because they're likewow you know this has been a lot of funPipi but you know we should probably be heading home and she's
54:22like what are you talking about? Why wouldyou want to go home? This is where we live now.This is also the part where she casuallyreveals that she's got a gun bythe way.Are you going to go home? Let me justthis thing's getting heavier on mywaistband, thud.
54:38Yeah, I got the heat in casegets heavy. And then she startstalking about them like, likewas that a rustle in the bushes?You know, that's probably not an animalfriend of ours. That's probably acannibal. So you two needme. I think
54:54this moviehas the most use ofthe word cannibal in any other kids'movie in the history. Oh, without aeven cannibal movies don't spell it outlike this. So it's aLeves says cannibal less than this movie.It does. It does.
55:10I don't feel like hunting tonight.What would you hunt here anyway, Pippie?Oh, lions, tigers, and cannibals.I'm very good with cannibals.I promise you, with this old gun, I'll be able to defend us.I'm going to go take a nap.Wake me if you need me.and keep your eyes to you.
55:39So, so it's just this weird thing where she's like, oh yeah, you can go home.Hey, you mind if I just take this out for air for a second?And they're like, holy shit.And she's just like, is that thing loaded?Oh, you bet your ass it is.In for a penny.In for a pound.And then she's like, we'll knock over a liquor store later.
55:59She really starts freaking him out, though, because she's like, oh, yeah, cannibals.Well, I'll go take care of that.and she walks out the tentand she starts like making fake gunshot noisesand the little girl's inside likeshe's killing themthat is literally what is saidTommy we can't go home now
56:17we're part of a murder beefshe's going to send us up the riverand then the rest of the movie isPippi Longstocking framing these twofor her cryPippie Longstocking by the waycould have just as easily beenthe third accomplice
56:34Mystic River.Do you know what I mean?I believe Kaiser Soze was Pippi Longstocking.They're just like standing on the bank of the Charles River and Pippi Longstocking's like,yeah, that's right.Just keep talking about vampires.Just vampires a little more.Hit her with her hockey sticks.
56:55Is that my daughter in there, Pippi?But and now like, and this is the scene that you'd never see.because it's the day the day afterthese kids are goneand like the dad's running it all over townand the mother is like just kind oftalking to the horse like feeding him a carrotlike oh pippy
57:15I never thought you'd put them in mortal dangerI want the dad that night being likeoh how's your friend pippy you don't give pippy a calloh wait she stole our childrenfrom uswhen the mother by the wayshe's like feeding the horsea bunch of carrots like oh alfanto
57:32I didn't think pippy wouldstoop this low and whateverand Alfonso's like what did you expectshe's rotten to the coreI've been trying to escape for yearsyou know she tried to feed me fishI was praying when that shipwent under I was finally out of her grasp
57:52there used to be three of usyou knowyou ever asked Pippiewhat happened to her pet dogso she's likefeeding this horse carrots and thencut to Blackheart's goons, like, spying on this mother or whatever, and they totally makesomething about, like, well, we'd like to take her, wouldn't we?
58:13Well, no, it's just like, oh, can we kidnap a boss? Can we? Can we? Let's do a rape beef,and he's like, no, not now. Listen, I'm trying to get this parking lot built. Once you get myparking lot built, you can rape whoever in town you want to. You know what? I think people whobuild parking lots are sort of like land pirates. But yeah, so you never see the dad just being like,Oh, so, yeah, your friend Pippi really worked out with that Pippi longstocking, huh?Where are your fucking children, lady?God, it has just got to be the most gratifying, I told you so,because this guy never at any point is like, you know, yeah, that Pippi, you know, she might be a good egg after all.
58:51No, he's disgusted with her from the second he meets her, like,there is not something right about this person.And then from that point to the kidnapping, he's anti-Pippy the entire time.Well, also, the funny thing is when, you know, Pippi makes off with these kids.And, like, they're like, oh, she has a machine that looks almost like Jake,who's the other guy that has the auto gyro in town.And like, well, let's go wake him up then.We'll run him out of town if he doesn't help us.
59:17Yeah, totally.They're going to run him out of town.Like, it's all his fault.He's like, she wouldn't have thought about it.It wasn't for you and your goddamn science.The Scopes Monkey Trial.It literally is.You know, before you and your auto gyro, Jacksonville, Florida.
59:31He used to be scienceless.So they wake this poor bastard up, and they're like, listen, Jake, you're going to take me up in your auto gyro, and you're going to fly all around this town of ours until we find them.And if we don't find them, we're going to kill you.And he's like, well, okay.But no, the funny thing is he's like, I can't.It's night out.Are you fucking retarded?You dumb monkeys?
59:55And he's like, well, you search license.I can't land this plane.Do you have any idea how any of this works?No, because science is bullshit.Listen, Jake, just put the Bible in the plane and get up there.Poor goddamn Jake.I guarantee you he closed up his auto gyro shop the next day.Yeah, you know what?
01:00:17There was like a field trip coming to his shop the next day,and they were all excited to see the auto gyro,and they see him locking the door and flipping the clothes sign around.Like, but Jake, what about the auto gyro shop?You know what it was?It was probably those poor goddamn orphan.that never get a break in this movie.They look forward to the auto-gyro field trip all goddamn year.
01:00:38And they got there and he skipped town.Because Pippi was doing something exciting.And the sign just said, you can thank Pippi for this.Even better, it said you can thank Pippi for this.And then they peered in and he'd hung himself in the workshop.So Jake and the dad are flying around the next morning.And sure enough, the kids are in mortal goddamn danger once again.They're like, I don't even know how they get to this point.
01:01:04They're just like, oh, they're trying to come back.Like, oh, we'll just take the river and they go in little like barrels and shit.Like, oh, this will be fun.And then they come upon a waterfall and it's get, it gets real for a second.Yeah, even, even Pippi is like, oh, man, is this the end of me?And so they swing down and the dad drops like a rope ladder out or whatever.And you're like, okay, Pippi Longstocking, you're the superhuman in this situation.Get those kids to safety.
01:01:29Nope, she is the first one on that ladderThat's selfish little shitUnbelievablePippie, you drop my kids, you die nextI repeat, you drop my kids, you die nextI would love it to be a thingWhere Pippi and the fatherLike getting a fight on the top of the auto gyro
01:01:48Oh my God, that'd be rivetingAnd like, listen, like they're like, like Dennis Dugganand Pippie are going back and forthThey climb to like the top of the auto gyroAnd, like, Dennis Dugan's, like, slowly pushing Pippi towards the propeller of the helicopter portion.And then, like, it spins around.And then there's just a splash of blood on, like, the fin, like.Oh, my God, that'd be riveted.
01:02:12Or what if the next day, like, he goes up to her and he tries to kill her?He's got a gun.And he shoots her in the face.And it's like, you really shouldn't have done that.And then she's, like, a robot.Liquid metal.Like, reforms.And she has to kill him because he knows her secret.
01:02:26She takes out her old-timey musket pistol and lays them to waste.Speaking of that pistol real quick, before we move on, there is a crazy shot in that camping scenewhere it's totally like a Travis Bickle, like she's just staring at nothing and the gun, likethe cold steel of the gun is on her fingers and she's just like fantasizing about killing people.And like honestly, like if I was a parent in 1988 and I fucking.drag my kids to this movie. At that point,I'm getting out of there. Like, you're justlike feeling the cold gunmetal on
01:03:02your... Like, you know what? You're not ahero for children? I like that. It showsthat Pippi would defend her family and it'sgood family values. It's...It's not her family. It's two kids.She stole out of their next door neighbors.Now, now, I'm a member of the NRA.And I think
01:03:19it's a beautiful message.So, for whatever,like, the best part is, like,they're driving back and everyone, and,Like, Pippi's like, what a great adventure, right, guys?And Dennis Dugan's like,Pippie, I don't think you understand.You really went too far this time.
01:03:36You're fucking wrong, kid.Guess what?Orphidage time.Totally.And it's one of those, like, it's the car ride after the horrible thing has happened.And everyone is dead silent.And nobody knows, like, when this bubbles of silence is going to burst.And she's like, so we all had fun, right, guys?
01:03:53Yeah.And yeah.So then it's like, it's orphanage time.And then she.has the audacity to be like, well, nobody got hurt.We're going to go home and my house is still going to be there with my horse and my monkey.So who cares?And Dennis Dugan just very pointedly is like, you just don't get it.
01:04:09And then the horse comes out.You're not welcome here, Pippie.I've heard enough.You know, Pippi, we've been doing some thinking and we don't want you back.No, Pippie, we've already spent all your money.I bought a year supply of hayBecause that's what a fucking horse eatsHere, eat fish, you bitch
01:04:32Eat fish!Well, how do you like itDepending on one of us?Oh, man.So she just gets sent away to this orphanageAnd it's refreshing.It is because she's in like a classAnd then she's like doing her pippy longstocking shit.
01:04:51I mean, this teacher's kind of aa weird abusive teacher, but, like, it's set in the 50s, so it's kind of okay.Yeah, like she gives her a little ruler slap or whatever.Yeah, there's a strong talking to Pippi, and they have to point out to Pippi that there is, like, a punishment bunker thing, like a shed with a pit.That is a little bit of cocktie's screenwriting, though, because the teacher's like, you know what?If you don't stop screwing around, the punishment sheds out there cut to a shot of this glorious looking strong.Oh, it's beautiful.It might be just a shot lifted from Cool Hand Luke, you know?
01:05:25I think it is.Or maybe it would be great if Paul Newman was out there, like, tending to the field and stripes.Taking it off, Pippie.The first way, the way Pibby proves herself in the orchidage is just getting a bare-knuckle boxing match with George Kennedy.I would love that.She's as strong as 10 police officers.She beat the shit out of them.She'd tear him your shreds.
01:05:50Wow, you know what?If you were a betting man, you would have made a lot of them.lot of money on Pippie.I got the red hair and go, over George Kennedy?You're cuckoo crazy.I'll take those on.You don't get to the interior of this punishment.And it's a real shame.
01:06:08Like, I wanted to open the door and there's just like a chain stuck to a wall and a skeletonlaying there.A little kid skeleton.And it could be a fake skeleton, but it's just the school.It should be.It's a movie.No.No, I just mean in the world of the movie, it would be a fake skeleton.
01:06:22skeleton. You know, the teachers at theorphanage use this as a way to scare the kids.I mean, if it was a real skeleton, too, that would betotally awesome because then this orphanage is killingkids. Little shitty kids likePippi Longstown. But no, it's one of those things where it's like,you know, she's got, she's one infractionaway from going to the punishment shed and she never gets
01:06:38there. It's the horse been ananonymous call, like, you gotta put herin there right away. She'll tearthat place down. She's really strong.I saw Pippie in the town squaretoday, and she was throwingice cream again. Would it be great if the horsetried to frame like pepiland stocking for like bomb building she had all this horse manure
01:06:58and charges and some wires I'm no scientist oh I'd love it oh my god she said she gets sent toguantanamo I would love her to be sent to guantanamo so this just by the time she gets to theorphanage you're like an hour and 20 minutes into this movie so you're you'reyou're like, all right, I'm in the final act, this is the final thing.And I'm even thinking like, okay, maybe this is going to be like a George of the Jungle situationwhere she realizes, you know, her wild ways aren't exactly the way to live.And maybe there's delight in learning, maybe the joy of reading.How do you make a book, by the way, for children that teaches kids that reading sucks?
01:07:44Well, that does that work out?Well, that's what I'm saying, though.To be fair to the original source material, I don't know if these books have,made her out to be this feral animal, orif it was just a thing where it's like, oh, Pippi Longstockand she's just this girl who goes on these adventuresbecause, like, this whole movie, right,is the idea of, like, this crazy character
01:08:02from all these adventure books comes tothe real world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying? So itis kind of like that George of the Jungle, likeyou know, Brendan Fraser could have easilypicked up some slack in this movie. Like, you know,when I missed a B. It's sort of like Beastmaster2.Right. I mean, you could have called it
01:08:17Peppy Longstocking. There's fucking BrendanFraser. And it's, yeah, him learning how to use amicrowave or something he's always interested in howa microwave worksthree different movies he figures out of microwaveso I mean like the last actof this movie like she likekind of you know and it's great
01:08:33because other girl or headgirl or whatever it is like you're in myworld now bitch and like we don't do thingsthat way and you know this is how thingswork and it's like ah fuck you you dumb orphanI'm rich anyway you know likesooner or later they're going to lower their garden I'm just going to breakout of here and you're still going to be an ugly orphan
01:08:51And I meanLike she criesAnd she's likeOh I have to write a letterAnd my dadSo he knows to come get me nowFinallyEven though
01:08:59So I guess herHer dad could have just come at any pointAnd he just hasn'tFor whatever reasonHe didn't even check to see if she was aliveNopeBut it doesn't makeI mean
01:09:08And it's justIt's a bad movieWith so many plot holes like thisBut I meanThe whole thing is they're likeSo PippyYour dad's probably deadLike your mother is definitely dead
01:09:18You understand that rightAnd she's likeNo no noyou know he wouldn't die on me he's just out in the sea or whatever and it's just she writes a letteror she has a hobo writer a letter and she puts it in a bottle and she goes now bottle make sureyou go right to my dad no stops along the way and it's like do you know that this isn't likeyou're talking monkey and you're talking or it's like it's just a bottle it's not going to talkback talking model and then she throws it back she throws it superman three style all the way to the
01:09:46island yeah with the force of 10 policemen it is just shootingthe sky. It's not even going to the water.I don't want to lose the Dick Van Pattonelement of this movie. Right.So, yeah, there's this educated hoboplayed by Dick Van Patten. Gregorythe hobo. She goes all the way up to theattic. She's like, I guess, you know, she's trying
01:10:05to make her escape. Yeah, she's like formulatinga, like a breakout. Yeah, totally.Yeah. And like, the nurse,the head, the head mistress and likesome janitor playing cardsdownstairs. Yeah, it's just moreevil adults, right? They're like gamblingand smoking.
01:10:20And so, like, there's this creepy-ass hobo played by Dick Van Patten.And he's like, I'm the Gloomaster.And he's got all these.He's just sleeping in the, in the attic of a child's orphanage.It's really a creepy place to find an old hobo.Yeah, it absolutely is.Do you think that Dick Van Patten as Gregory the Gloomain was like the unadoptable orphan?And it's like, when you get to be that old and no one's taking you, but you just have
01:10:49no social skills for the real worldyou just move up to the atticand start making glueall daywell that's Gregory you just chain him up in the atticlike that's where head girl's going to bein like 15 years if nobody adopts her rightjust up in the attic yeah
01:11:04a bunch of catsyeahso he has this glue that allowspeople to walk on walls and I mean likehonestly it's we're at 90 minutes and I'm likereally we're going to start walking on walls now what the fuck is goingon here. It's a great invention, especially for a hobo.But it's like, what is the
01:11:23point? Like, we are so closeto this movie being over with. Like,the finish line is in sight, and now we justhave to watch her test out.There's like a trial scene where she's like,oh, wow, that's cool. Yeah, yourglue invention does work. And we get, like, walk inon the walls, bump, bump, bump. Anyway,
01:11:39so what else are we going to do? Thisalso takes away from the idea that this is likea magical character coming to the real world,because here is a supposedly ordinaryhobo with magical glue. Yeah, you'reyou're absolutely right maybe he's from some distant land too and he's just stuck in stuck in thehe must be it's like it's like a god tutels and hook he's just the old lost boy that lost hismarbles but he's in the real world so he's just crazy exactly and then this guy the guy
01:12:05i guess he's a janitor or the fucking who knows what he's either a janitor or he's just a serialkiller that's also boarding at the orphanage because this guy looks like a real scumbagYep.Yeah, he's like a 1971 Harry Dean Stan look-alike.And that's a bad news dude.Yeah, 100%.And he's just like, he's like, ah,he's just like, I'll work and no play.
01:12:30And he like throws his cigarette in a pile of old newspapers.Hopefully these dried out newspapers and that seedy-looking mattress there will put outmy cigarette.Well, let's go back to playing poker for kids.I'll raise you two girls.now they don't come cheapso don't give me too many boyson this end
01:12:52so she's like okayI'm a hoboI'm gonna dictate you this laterbecause I'm gleefully illiteratehe's like okay pippyyou should probably learn how to reallyshe's like ah you're homelessjust do what I say
01:13:03and so whateverand like she's like okay I'll use your glueto walk down thewalk down the side of the buildingand already the places are cooking upand it's this big thing of like you knowher getting down and it'sa big to do. It's a big to do
01:13:21but it's like for whatever reason it'sthe scene that's going to erase all the damagethat she's done for the first hour and20 minutes of this movie which is these likebullshit magic scenes. So like shesaves a bunch of kids that get stuck in the atticfrom the orphanage because Dick VanPatton jumps out the window
01:13:37first. It's all the firefightersand they have one of those like rescue nettrampoline look at things or whateverand they're like all right Gregorycome on get those kids out of thereAnd it's Pippi who instigates it.She's like, no, Gregory, you have to go first.And he's like, what, really, Pippi?
01:13:54Okay.And then he jumps.And the two kids are like, well, we're not brave enough to do this.How are we going to get out of you?See, I told you.She's trying to kill those kids.I told you she's dangerous.I told you.
01:14:06This movie just ends with her putting her own horse down.That's the last out of you, Alfonso.Loose lips, Alfonso.Blam.You got a one-way ticket to the glue factory, Alfonso.Hey, Gregory, I got something for you.But yeah, like, so it's like, it's Dick Fed Patton and two six-year-olds.Dick Van Patent's like, fuck this.
01:14:32It just jumps out.So then these kids are up there and they're like, the entire fire department is stymied as to what to do.Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is just a two-story orphan.No one is running into that fire at all.They're all just standing outside.Like, well, he jumped and I guess we didn't have it in the ladder budget.The ladder was there, but the ladder just doesn't reach for whatever reason.It doesn't reach to the second story.
01:15:03And so this is where Pippi comes in and saves the day.She climbs up a telephone pole, throws a rope across because the monkey jumps across with the rope.She tosses the monkey with the strength of 10 policemen into the beach.into the buildingyeah into the burning building and the monkeyties the other end for herand she does like a tight rope walk acrossand then one handed each just picks
01:15:24these kids up and justyou know carries them back acrossand then she's like come onmister whatever the monkeyand the monkey's like nopeI'd rather burn than go back with youso she goes backacross to get this monkey
01:15:38oh my only friendshe's gonna let him diehe's the love of my lifelife. And so the rope catches on fire and she like swings down and lands in the rescue net with themonkey and immediately this town is in love with her. Dennis Dugan, Miss Peacock. Everyone's like, oh, thankGod, Pippie, you saved yourself, two kids at a monkey. You're the king of the world. That's terrific.Miss Peacock's even like, I was so wrong, Pippie, will you ever forgive me? It's like, no, Ms. Peacock,you're the trained professional in this situation. You know exactly what's been going on since Jumpstreet.
01:16:14lady are you shitting me right nowthey also they foundPipi outside ofthe place before thelike as the fire was ragingin her normal clothes she's obviouslybeen out of the house she could haveI would suspect her number one for lighting that
01:16:30got that fire oh 100% she's pulling a burnshe's pulling a burnI've seen it beforeshe is shethat's what I would think you know how manytowns I've had to blowHow many orphanages have to burn, Pippey?How many?
01:16:49She gets off on it, officer.Well, it's too bad that a talking horse is not admissible in court.You're free to go, Pippie.Someday that'll change.And then you'll get the chair long stuck in the chair.So, yeah, everybody loves her.And you're like, oh, great, the movie's over.Like, that's it.
01:17:12You know, she's had a little arc, and that's it.And, like, apparently saving kids, saving orphans, like, makes you graduate fromorphan academy where you don't have to be an orphan anymore.Well, it's like, you made the move that the entire adult fire department couldn't make.So obviously, you must be able to function on your own.She's an honorary adult.Yeah, she's a total emancipated minor.She's totally McCulley Culkined herself out of that situation.
01:17:35And then she starts having her own spinster Christmas, where she's, like, decorating the tree by herAnd like, you know, and Tommy and Annika are like having Christmas at their house.And she's like, oh, no, it feels so sad.It's so awesome because like their whole family is going over to their house for Christmas dinner or whatever.And it's, I thought I caught a line where someone's like, what is that another turkey?Come on in.And you know, Pippies in the other room eating straw off a broom.And so, you know, she's just like singing, you know, a Christmas carol.
01:18:09And then like, it's so sick.this whole family comes over the whole town yeah just out of nowhere just like caroling on pippy's front lawnit's great and then ah this is really annoying too because it's a christmas eve or christmas day night orwhatever and the two kids are hanging out at pippie's house unsupervised again let me tell you somethingwhen i was a kid it didn't even occur to me to not be with my family on christmas like what do youdo it and why it's so ridiculous but one one thing i don't want to miss is the puppy scenewhich is really fucking oh yeah oh take this head girl so it's like everyone comes and it was likeoh pippy everybody loves you you can't be alone on christmas and this poor orphan girl in her
01:18:52tattered cloak has to come with miss peacock with this this present for pippie and she's likethank you so much for saving everybody you sure have a nice warm house in there i'm gonna go backto the orphanage here's a fucking puppy for your trouble oh by the way it's still mostly burntdown i don't have a window it's really calledhold in there, but here's a puppy.I guess it's a Christmas miracle, Pippi. I only have sixholes in my jacket.And then also at this part of the movie,
01:19:21Mr. Blackheart just falls off a cliff.He's gone. Yeah, that's when they're chatteringoutside. It's like, well, maybe I'll get that parkinglot, maybe not. See you at the sequel,Pippie. Yeah, I feel like thatis set up for a sequel. I knowof a bikini resort in Floridathat could become a parking lot.
01:19:37Oh, no.Well, just give Pippi a few years andshe'll be there in a bikini.Serving dacqueries and frat boys.Which I think is what she does now,the actress, probably.So at this point, also the dad, I guess,got the letter in the bottle and he shows up
01:19:52singing some fucking sea chantey.And it's just like, yeah, he's just a giantlike pirate Santa Clauscoming up with a big old sack of plunder.Smelling a seaweed and saltwater.And he's just like, here's this gold. All right, let's go backon the ship, Pippi. And it's the next day.And everyone's like, and Dennis Duggan's like,
01:20:11I'm going to miss Pippi, but you know, I realize she must have been really lonely livingby herself. So, you know, it's good that she'll go back and live with her dad. That's great.Yeah, and the whole town's like, okay, well, you know what? This has been nice, Pippi, but, you know,things were kind of okay before. So I guess we'll just see you later. She gets on the boat. And it's just such like aconfusing bit of screenwriting. And it's just like so messy because she gets on the boat and they'relike, all right, like, you know, dad's going to take you away. And you're going to go be theprincess of this Cannibal Island or whatever. And he's the king. The first mates there is like,Hey, Pippie, and it's like, oh, okay, so that's the end of the movie.
01:20:42Like, this is really the end of the movie.Yeah, like, we've come full circle and whatever.And, like, you know, like the two friends of hers are, like, crying on the shore and everything.Everybody's waving goodbye.And she gets to the boat and she's like, you know what, dad, on second thought, fuck it.I guess I'll give school a shot.Yeah, but she's like, I can't.He's like, but Pippi, you know, I love you.
01:21:02You're my daughter.I want to be with you.And he's like, yeah, but I can't stand to make anyone cry.That's her lie.I don't know the logic.Yeah, that's the mindset.But, you know, here's the thing.At the end of the day, two things are happening here.
01:21:15One, she's possibly making her father cry.She can't stand to see anyone cry.But maybe abandoning her father, he's going to cry.But also, let's be realistic here, okay?I feel like this dad coming and checking in on or taking her back or whatever,it's a little bit like half-hearted, you know?I don't think he was entirely broken up by having to leave her back in Florida.No, he was totally fine with that.
01:21:39Well, now.It's your decisionI want to be with you more than just about anythingAnd I really like to be a princessButI can't bear to see people crying because of meAnd then she like readying herself for her voyage back to landJust picks up Alfonso the horse
01:21:59And chucks him into the waterYou fucking bitchI can't swimOh noOh no Mr. NielsenIt's the drink for usand this monkey's just riding on the horse's headusing its ears to steer back to let this horse honestly
01:22:19if I were the horse I'd like run really fastand then fall and break my legso they pull in HBO's luck on mejust put me down I feel like I try to get a good gripwith my horse teeth on to Pippiand just take down the all of themthe monkey Pippieand we're all going down
01:22:39for a little bit of Davy Jones'slocker. Speaking of luck, by theway, there is an interesting bit ofinformation given at the end credits here, Steve.Yeah, it's not like, you know, everymovie, I mean, I don't know when PETA formedand whatever, but it's always noanimals were harmed in any
01:22:55way during the filming of this film.I mean, this is 88. Like, we hadthose warnings by this point. And that's anironclad warning. It lets you know thatno animals were harmed, notkilled, nothing. No harm befell ananimal on this set. Yeah. TheThis movie says the animals used were filmed under strict supervision with the utmost concern for their handling.
01:23:16Now, think back for a second, folks.There's a scene at the beginning of this movie where they make this poor horse walk down a flight of stairs.And you can see how awkwardly this animal is like, well, I'm not used to these.And is having like a real hard time.Like, I'm sorry, they went through a couple of Alfonso's on the Senate of this.Yeah, they put down a couple of horses.maybe a couple of monkeys burned up in that fire.And they made magic glue out of all of them.
01:23:44The puppy that they gave, they just dropped and it broke its neck.Well, another one.Come on.Dude, you never see that puppy again.I think it was a thing where like, oh, she's like, oh, thanks a lot, Miss Peacock and Headgirl.That's great.Thanks a lot.Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.
01:23:59Neck break.Throw that thing in the garbage.I'm not going to accept a gift from those pieces of shit.She didn't have a Christmas turkey, so she cooked up the dog.Oh, no, they gave her a dog.You know what that means, Mr. Nielsen?Just a little bit of movie trivia to help wrap this up.I thought this is a funny bit that I found on IMD that the house used for Villa, Villacuna, Pippie's home is now the Posada San Carlos of Ben Breakfast Inn, painted white, pink, and green.
01:24:32It has become a popular tourist attraction.Like for fans of the movie?I don't know, I guess.No, it's just probably got good land.Like, it's got a good view.It's got a really sweet parking lot behind it.It's got a nice location.So, yeah, there's yet another We Hate Movies, Bed and Breakfast in, you can go to.
01:24:51And if you go to this one, tell them Mr. Destiny's saying.That'd be cool to do the We Hate Movies a bed and breakfast tour.Oh, 100%.We'll get like five more destinations or whatever.We'll map it out.Put it up on Facebook.So people can do a road trip.I wouldn't go on it my
01:25:09I was just going toI was about to say like if we started gettingpictures of people in all these locationsI'd start feeling really sadOther people can go and take a signWith them you know take a picture of it saysMr. Destiny sent me it's a big old Pippi LongstockYeah and then the castle in Indiana
01:25:25TotallyFreedom callsAnd Pippy runsThe girl who never heardShe couldn't do somethingWatch out worldBecause here she comesAnd she's bound to teach you more than one thing
01:25:44It belongs knockingComing into your townThe one, no oneCan't keep you downNo, no, no, noThe one who's fun to be aroundWhoaSo let's save some time here
01:26:04Nobody's recommending this movie, right?I mean, it's a funny movie to watch.It's really like kind of jaw dropping in parts, but it's, it's an hour and 40-something minutes.It's, it just, it goes and goes and goes.I'm sure you could find, like, pieces of it on YouTube maybe or something like that.You know what reminds me of watching when you're with people and they're like, oh, let's watch a couple episodes,this awesome TV show that we like.And you're watching a couple episodes, but then you're just sort of like, we're still watching this show.
01:26:33You know what I mean?Yeah, no, 100%.And, like, with a show, though, you can be like, you know what, forget it.Like, this episode's over five minutes.I'm not going to revisit it.An hour and 40 minutes with this movie, guys.It's almost impossible.See, and that's the thing is some people, like, will criticize this show or whoever we do, like, family films.
01:26:51They're like, well, it's not intended for adults and you're making fun of it and whatever.But it's like there are good family movies.There are dead good family movies.Like, like, look at the Pixar movies.brave little toaster ain't badso totally so likethis is just it's withoutmerits and I honestly think your kids will be stupid
01:27:11for seeing it and Isaw it as a kid so I'm livingproof I mean folksif you met him you'd be like wowhe really watched that new adventures ofPippie Long's sticking a quick noteabout the director of this moviea guy by the name of Ken Anakin
01:27:27rest in peace buthe kind of was a big directorearly on in like the 60and stuff he directed um like uh uh the swiss family robinson movie uh those magnificent menand their flying machines you know he also a magic car movie he also did battle of the bulgethat's a big world war two movie from the late mid to late 60s but the sad thing is uh afterthe new adventures of pivu longstock was his last completed film after that he has twoseparate incomplete gangus con films again
01:28:03And proof that that type of project is cursed.Yeah, you're right.For maximum enjoyment, go back and listen to The Conqueror episode we did.You make a movie about Genghis Khan.It's put you right in the grave.Wow.There it is.Talking horses, monkey friends.
01:28:22That pirate dad who's just the worst.It's all there.That little girl that just relax.Understand how to be a kid and just go to school.Just learn.Why don't you learn something, Pippi?Also, why can't you just...I'm sorry, what does the police department look like here?
01:28:39Are they just all coloring with crayons all day?It's like...It's like, you know how we get a lot of joyout of looking at pictures of old-timey fire departments?Yeah.It's like an old-timey dummy police force in this movie.So it's the same kind of entertainment.The actual Keystone cops.
01:28:54Yeah, they came back for this movie.This is pre-swat teams with snipers.Because I think that would solve this movie pretty quickly.Oh, yeah.They'd put her down.two seconds. It's just an unnatural beingthat's trying to take over a town. What else are you goingto do? The strength of ten men.
01:29:10Or whatever.Oh man, it'd be great ifit'd be great ifZach Snyder's Superman had to break her neckat the end of this movie. He just hadto do it and he cries about it and then hemakes that with his girlfriend ontop of a pile of rubble. Yep.
01:29:25Oh yes. Sexy shit.All right, so clue fornext week's rerun episode gang.Now keep in mind, these clues haveto be a little more vague becausethey're episodes we've already done.I know. I'm thinkingcould it be as vague as
01:29:42super unnecessary sequel?Yeah, that's cool. There it is.Yeah, yeah. So until next week, gang, enjoy thesummer. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin.Eric Cisker.Steve and Taito. Take it easy.Thank you.
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