We Hate Movies - S6 Ep215: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

On the season six premiere of We Hate Movies, the gang kicks off an all-new Listener Request Month with a title that is, in the loosest sense of the word, a movie - Mortal Kombat: Annihilation! What is with the instant Johnny Cage murder? How did the producer's let Christopher Lambert get away? And why, oh why, did we need these robots running around? PLUS: Your mom's new boyfriend would be real creepy if he was played by James Remar. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation stars Robin Shou, Talisa Soto, James Remar, Sandra Hess, Brian Thompson and Litefoot; directed by John R. Leonetti. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Eric Chal Khan. Steven Zedak. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the season premiere of We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, stop what you're listening to. Go back and listen to our first episode on Mortal Kombat. It's a long time ago. It's in the back catalog. Go find it. Because today, we are kicking off the new season of We Hate Movies with the most up-to-date listener request month on record. It's a new listener request month. Yeah, I would hope so. We did old requests. That would be obvious. Imagine we were just like stockpiling old-ass calls from like five years ago. No, no.

This is a brand new call. It is from Sam who's requesting Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Hey, guys. My name is Sam Schrader. I suppose my request, listener request, would be Mortal Kombat Annihilation because not only is it a reprehensible film, but I kind of need to hear some more Raiden and Scorpion, jokes from your previous podcast.

Thanks so much, guys. Have a great one. Goodbye. So, yeah, I think we can take this ball and run with it. Yeah, I think that's fine. Yeah, so this is Mortal Kombat Annihilation from 1997, directed by John R. Leonetti. I think to truly do this episode justice, we should all leave and three new people should take our place.

Yeah, because that's pretty much how they did this movie. You're right. Well, let's do that. Actually, though, statistically, I think one of us would need to stay behind. Yeah, who's going to be the Robin Shoe, is the question. Well, it was him and it was Talisa Soto. Yes. Right. Who I think she's in a Bond flick.

One of the Timothy Dalton ones, if I remember correctly. Yeah, good for her. It was right. So it's not open. Yeah, Chris Cabin was the Johnny Cage role. If you've seen more accommodation, you... Well, if that were the case, Chris would have been here for, like, the first five minutes of the episode, and then he'd be murdered by a big monster man.

Right, yeah. Well, one can hope. Yeah, so this is... How many years after the first one is this? This is only two years after, yeah. Everybody left this movie. Just jumping ship, dude. Rats on a sinking fucking ship. Yeah, you don't want to be known as the Mortal Kombat guy or gal, right?

You want to... It's a stepping stone. Yeah. To what? I mean, not like any of these people left for anything. I mean... No, no. I tried to think of something. Nothing. Well, Paul W.S. Anderson left for Event Horizon, which was a big trade-up.

Better move. Yeah, that's true. Lambert did that Beowulf movie that everybody hates. Right. Yes, that's what he, apparently he wanted to come back. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. He was signed on for the third movie, actually. I have a policy of always skipping the second film in a franchise to uselessly come back for the third. And I brought in my old college roommate, James Remar. Dude, what in the fly in hell with James Reilard?

And what in the flying hell with Christopher Lambert is an unreliable narrator because he was in Highlander, too. Oh, yeah, you're right. That joke doesn't fly. But you know what does fly? Immortals in Highlander, too, because they're from outer space now. Oh, yeah. That's a stay tuned in half. You know what also flies?

Sub-zero for some reason. Yeah. Sub-zero flies. There's a little bit of Lucang flight in this movie. Yes, yes. Which, if you're going to do it, make him do the bicycle kick and instead he just

lazily flies over a bridge it looks like the poochie I gotta go back to my home planet now it's like they pulled the film negative a strip of Robin Shue just pulled across the screen yes well I'm glad you mentioned a special move because that's all what this movie is

is the first movie is trying to be a real movie and it almost succeeds it's not a good movie but it's like hey there's a plot like there's a reason we get introduced to characters they all have reasons to be in Mortal Kombat. It tries. You actually see some of the real world as well. Yes.

You do not have any semblance of reality. No, because it's all in front of a green screen that is making the fucking graphics and spawn look like fucking avatar. Dude, I think I have more money in my bank account right now than what was spent

on the fucking special effects for this movie. And I'm a poor-ass podcaster. Yeah, we're not a rich podcasters. We're not a rich show. But that's the thing, is the special moves, it's like they, instead of a script, they just had a bunch of cute cards to say what the next special move is going to be. And that's how the movie kind of plays out. It's basically like, you guys played Mortal Kombat 3, right? You like playing it?

Well, now you can watch someone else play it for you. It's just the game. It's like introduce a character. Take Night Wolf, for example. I think I can hold my breath longer than Night Wolf is in this. movie and it's just like he does a thing it takes two seconds oh that's cool and then he's out of the movie oh he's gone and especially with night wolf he appears to be the most interesting character in the movie well you know this movie kicks off with a previously on yes what is that

previously on mortal combat hi hi hi i'm uh i'm raiden uh also known as james remar uh it's like raiden just kept smoking in between these movies they don't address it he's not like the oracle It's like I choose a new form That's what they should have done Is cast an elderly black woman As rated Asapurtha Mackison

Oh man That'd be great She'd be like a middle-aged storm With long white hair It'd be perfect I'm into it Better than this movie Yeah but James Remar

Just kind of he's there And like He doesn't actually at all Try to do the performance That Lambert is doing No It's just like Whatever, it's James Remar.

I'm kind of like your mom's new boyfriend. I kind of know what to be here. I'm going to hang out in the doorway for a while until you go to sleep. Oh, hey, Devin. I'm Raiden. I'm here to take your mom on a date. And after that, if I sit on the couch for a while, maybe you'll accept me into the family. But I've got to hang out here at the old vestibule, play with this door chain.

Hey, Devin, you like my Dodge Charger? Raiden drives a Dodge Charger when he's picking your mom up for. a date. Hey, Devin, you want to learn how to put out a cigarette? With your tongue. Stick it out. Hey, Devin, you want to hear my view on moslems? Wait, you're going

to sleep? Okay. Yeah, you're right. You don't want to hear that. Even better. I'd much rather have sexual intercourse with your mother than throw around a bunch of hate speech that's going to be lost on a stupid kid. Oh, you don't even get it, do you? Oh, you will, Devin. You will.

I don't know, whatever We open up It's the exact end of the last movie Which wasn't bullshit No time has passed And everyone changed bodies What do we become assholes or something Like it's just

It's just right there Like because Because the end of that first Mortal Kombat movie Is a real you're not gonna believe this With Shao Khan just fucking laughing up in the clouds With his hands on his hips And shit's falling over And a bunch of monks are scared his head

And what happens? Now, Johnny Cage was a major part of that first movie. And he helped close this portal and save the day. Nope, gets his neck broken immediately. Almost immediately. And that was me getting my fat kid heartbroken because I was a huge Johnny Cage fan back in the day. Because I'm probably a little gay, but that's fine. We're all on the spectrum.

Yeah, exactly. And I was just like, not Johnny Cage. Well, this also is not the same Johnny Cage. Like, you couldn't get that guy back for, like, the few minutes. Are you mean Lyndon Ashby? No, you couldn't get him. Lyndon Ashby, IMD Trivia, says he read the script and turned it down because he wasn't satisfied with the script.

Well, do you think they wrote him out because of that? Or did they just snap his neck? Oh, do you think he was just like, wait, Johnny Cage was dead by page three? Well, fuck it. We just need you to come in for an afternoon, Lyndon. Well, it's kind of interesting, though. And if this were a better movie, would say that this is actually a bold choice

by the screenwriters, right? Like, imagine we start, like, let's say, Wrath of Khan. Sure. Right? And it's all your beloved characters you've known for years. And Sulu just gets shot in the fucking head with a phaser in the first five minutes. And he's dead. And from that moment on,

Commander Sulu is dead in Star Trek. You'd be like, wow, that's fucking brave. But in this movie, yeah. It's like, well, fuck you, Johnny Cage. Nobody cares. You know, in Star Trek, they'd just bring him back next movie with some magic. bullet. Yeah.

It shoots a planet. Also, that Star Trek draft was written by William Shatner. Every time, it's just like, and then Tykeye gets it. This is the one where Takai gets it, right? Look, I keep doing these movies only hoping that Takai's going to get it in one of them. Yeah, I'd like to be on a different spaceship than William. Man, you know that that goddamn starship that he's captaining is a classy-ass outfinding. fit.

The Excelsior? Yeah. Yep. Oh, he's got pristine china to drink tea from on the bridge. Oh, yeah.

Yep. Guarantee you the fucking Enterprise smells like a goddamn tobacconist. George, I'm sure you could captain a ship. I just think

integral for the story would be better if you were shot in the head. Imagine me having to mourn you. Yes. It'd be like surely forever.

Oh, no, you're not a Vulcan. We can't bring you back. Now, one thing I want to point out about Mortal Kombat Annihilation, because I'd never seen it until last night. I very smartly avoided it for almost going on 20 years at this point. But they almost get you. Because at the start of this movie, it's that delicious... You know what?

Let's just get a little bit of it again. And I am pumped as hell to watch Mortal Kombat Annihilation That fucking song is timeless It's absolutely timeless Dude Dude I was pumped as hell

Ready to watch this movie In Star Trek 2009, James T. Kirk should have been listening to that instead of the Beastie Boys. But it's much like, you know, it starts up, but you're getting all excited. And then all of a sudden, James Remar starts jawing at you. And it's like, oh, sorry, Devin. Thought that was your dad, huh? We have the identical car horn.

Sorry. Because we both go to Rodriguez's auto shop, Devin. I mean, a lot of people use it. It's a good outfit. Hey, Devin, you asleep? But, yeah, no, it's instantly squashed. Don't worry. I was like, oh, no, wait.

Oh, James Remar. And also, he's not even bothering to play a scuzzy Raiden. No. So it's not even like someone dialed 1,900 scumbag. Nope. It's just James Remar in a legitimate piece of casting. And I don't appreciate that. And so Shaq Khan is there.

He brings, and I mean, like, everybody's in this. movie. You care about Mortal Kombat. You like your little, you have to do some Mortal Kombat star fucking. You come watch Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Hey, for all you guys out there that really like to watch Jade get beat up? Sure.

She's in it. Hey, you an Ermac fan by any chance? Yes, I am. He makes it to the third act for some reason. How about a character that Steve gave me shit for? I think it was on the Substitute episode. Rain.

I told you people cared about rain Somebody cared about rain Not Shao Khan He fucking kills him When he's on screen for only two minutes Oh yeah Shao Khan does not care for rain Shao Khan by the way

Played by the dude from the X-Files Yep Well he's from everything He was most recently in Dragonheart Which we just did Oh right Brian Thompson Yes yes yes

He's also in Highlanderish Oh I'm sure he's back there Yeah He's back there hanging out to Highland I mean he could be That is a face that Speaking of Timeless Oh yeah

Any barbarian you want just throw him in. He played two different monsters on Buffy. That sounds about right. I think I played a monster on Buffy. They got everybody in there. What I don't understand about this dude though, and I guess it's just the character of Shao Khan that he was getting into.

Because on the X-Files, he doesn't talk. And I don't remember a second of Dragon Heart really. But in this movie, he's doing some sort of accent, and I was like, where's this dude from? And I looked it up. The State of Washington. And this dude kind of sounds like he's doing a Christopher

Lambert-Lambert impression. He's doing like a you know, Shakespearean question mark kind of thing. Like everything's a little bit father. Yeah, it's really false staffing. Oh, wait, wait. Mortal Kombat, that's kind of high art, right? It's sort of like, oh, this is like Somersstock when I played Shakespeare. When you played Shakespeare?

Yes, in the autobiographical play, man about Stratford. On Avon. Colan on Avon. Boy, I'm going to write another play today. Well, hi. on marijuana. Oh, no, I'm a hundred different people now.

Derek Jacoby's typing on a typewriter. So, yeah, all these outworld baddies start jumping in. This poor temple, once again, Lukang's former home, destroyed. In seconds. Just destroyed. And it's like, you know what, Lukang, you left this land at one point to get your Dorita chips and your leather jackets and your whatever else and you shouldn't ever fucking

come back. Don't look back, man. You're bringing all these horn helmet wearing dragon people with you? You got an outright centaur and Motaro? You know, you can't go home again. They were right. They were right. Man, Motaro in this movie,

not as bad as he could have looked, but the actor playing him. You know what the actor playing him looks like? A porn star? Yes. Dude. Why, Mortaro should have done porn. Dude, this movie looks like a Mortal Kombat

porno parody. Yes. It does, yes. It absolutely does. Especially the woman playing, what's the woman with the forearms? Shiva. Shiva. Yeah.

That's a porn star. Sure. Is she? Oh, no. No, I don't know. I mean, the woman playing Sindel, she's dressed like a porn star. You know, maybe I'm saying too much, but I could watch those two monsters go at it. Oh, I hope that's green blood.

Just out of curiosity. Oh, sure. I just had a more mortal combat. curiosity. So Johnny Casey doesn't even get a hero's death, right? It's like, there's a new sonia. Hinchman get better deaths.

Yeah, he gets He just like, he gets to do a shadow kick, which I do appreciate, which looks like complete shit. It looks like garbage, but they didn't have it in the first movie, right? No, yeah. He does any of his superiors. No, he does this flip punch. Yeah, the nut, the nut jabber. How can I forget a good nut shot?

He does the shadow kick, it looks like garbage, and then he gets his neck broken. And it's like, oh oh you kind of think you're like oh and then they're going to bring them back and something maybe he's going to turn into fucking sector who knows right you anything could happen but no why not why not rewrite the the classic

timeless origin story of sector to make it so that so that Johnny Cage is built into sector does sector appear or is it only Syracs he gets the shaft right no they're both in it no that's smoke brother there's not there's not a red one

No, that's not the movie. Oh, you're thinking of Airmac. Oh, I was thinking of. You know what? Maybe, yeah, I guess. Dude, if I had a dime for every time I was thinking about Airmac, dude. You want to waste your whole life. You go on Wikipedia and you look up some of these Mortal Kombat character biographies.

Stop it. Dude. Yeah. Thomas Jefferson never had it so good. Without of words spilled on Urmac alone will make you blush. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Thomas Jefferson showed up in one of these sequels. Because they got Jason Voorhees in WorldCombat X. It's fucking stupid.

I kind of, I was, um, have you played it? Yeah, I did. It's probably great. I got a little brother and it just kind of, it speaks to exactly what these, what the game always, like, kind of inspired in me. It was like, I just want to watch people do fatalities. Right. I was, I was home during Christmas. He was playing Mortal Kombat.

I was like, yeah, dude, do you want to do some fatalities for me? And he's like, yeah, man, I got them all. And I was like, cool. Hey, that's pretty cool. Your big brother's just going to sit back on the couch and watch you do fatalities while I drink some beer. Hey, Devin, I'm just going to sit back here and watch you play video games and maybe you'll accept me as your real father one day. I'm not your real father, though. Don't get any ideas.

Hey, Devin, newsflash, pal. I'm not going anywhere. I love your mother. This is good to stay. Play your fatalities all the live long day, Devin. I'm going to bed with your mother tonight. Hey, Devin, I'm going out for some sense. Cigarettes. Tell your mother, I'll be right back.

Hey, David, did you block me on Facebook? I mean, so Johnny Cage dies. They erect a temple around his dead body. And I don't know if that is like the work of these blessed monks. Or if it's like another shall con thing. It's never explained. Nothing's explained. Like a hand-shaped tree comes out of the ground and lifts his dead body,

seven feet in the air sure and that's the end of it that's all you see and it's no one's ever like well what are we going to do about this it's just left there he deserves a proper burial and also spoiler alert at the end of this movie when Shao Khan is defeated

and that whole timeline is reversed or whatever Johnny Cage isn't brought back to life no almost everybody else is no sign in Johnny Cage at the end of this movie man they hated Lyndon Ashby they probably had to do so many rewrites he probably

like Johnny Cage is a main character in that first movie guaranteed this was a thing you know what I guarantee you this is what happened they didn't have hide nor hair of Jacks in this movie yeah yeah it was Sonia Johnny Lou and Katana farting around throughout World and they were like oh shit

Lyndon's quitting well let's kill off Johnny who do we got out of the 30 character roster Jacks is a pretty sharp character I mean, we don't have art anymore, so I guess. I can't believe we killed art. I told you not to kill Art off. So we go beneath the earth's surface, right?

Yeah, I think we're going underground. Or at least a cave. Because the hollow earth. The hollow earth. And Raiden is like, okay. Hey, Devin, here's the deal. He basically explains that Shaq Khan has opened a portal, and Shaq Khan is heavily influenced.

by Judeo-Christianity, so they've got six days to unmake the earth. Somebody snuck a Bible into Outworld, I guess. Dude, how does Shao Khan know that the earth in Christianity was made in six days? And on the seventh day, something

else happened. Because in this movie, he's like, In six days, Earth will be destroyed. And on the seventh, I'm going to gang fuck every animal as far as they're like, whatever his, like, master plan is, he's ready to enacted or whatever and it's just like

how did you know what else do you know about that religion it's so dumb it's I mean he's dressed like before Christ yeah oh yeah yeah but I guess there the plot is to merge worlds all of the Super Mario brothers yeah big time

so maybe he went did some re reconnaissance he kind of oh that's shall Khan learn something today dude that's when oh seven days dude that's what I want is a little like maybe be like a prologue scene where it's Shao Khan in New York

and he like goes through like some sort of Terminator portal and he's like got to find regular clothes and he's walking around like 40 second street just like looking at hookers or something you know like that's I need that because that's how like that's what it is and then he wanders into one of those

crazy like savior churches or like a street preacher yes oh yeah and he spends the night with the street preacher he takes him to a homeless shelter he gives him a good meal it's like a weird Uneasy Alliance, sort of like maniac cop and that homicidal maniac? I forgot his name, but I think it was in part two.

Killer Joe. Yeah. Ironically enough, Brian Thompson was in Terminator. Brian Thompson's in Terminator? Yeah, he plays the punk that Schwarzenegger kills to take his coat. Oh. Because they're built similarly. Like, well, he's a Hulk and monster, you know? That's not Bill Paxton? I think Bill Paxton's in that scene, but

he's not... He's a different punk? Yeah. Oh, I see. Um, so So mortal combat annihilation. We're beneath the earth and Raidon's like, all right, we need to assemble. And this is basically this whole movie is a big team building exercise. It's like your boss made you go to this fucking camp for the weekend. And every co-worker is going to learn how to be best buds. He's like, all right, we can't do it alone.

We've got to work as a team, guys. Not only do we have to work as a team, but they try to wedge it in a little later on in the film. The Power of Love. in my mortal combat movie Fuck you He's like Okay, you know Katana and Lucan

You go find my buddy Knight Wolf That's cool Hey Sonia and she's like I'm sad about Johnny Cage This is the only time I'm gonna mention him He's like yeah that's great Why did you go find Jacks? And

Oh I have this cool little American Gladiator contraption You guys can travel under the earth With shit Dude it's an underground system of pinball machine parts. This is like an elevator in our worlds. Yeah.

It's like you can travel and they, but no, we're on Earth though. So it's basically, oh my God, I don't know, up from down. Is this, was this, does this exist right now? Can I take this? Is this like below the subway? Yeah, it might be. It's only for the Illuminati and Thunder gods and Elder Gods. Yes.

A lot of Elder Gods in this movie. Yeah, it's a weird thing where you get in the big Iron Gladiator. ball with a buddy and it rolls wherever it wants to or wherever you want it to. By the way all due to the hot air rising from the core of the...

This is Willie Wonka shit. Dude, they try to science up this stupid ass metal ball. Fuck you, it's just magic. Hey, Mortal Combat Annihilation. How about it's just magic? Yes. Are you kidding me with this? No, we have to do some science now

because we got robots. There's robots. Robots don't use magic. Jesus Christ, these robots. Also, I cannot believe that Syrax isn't in this movie. No, Sectory isn't in the... Which I can't believe the red one's not there. The yellow Power Ranger is here.

That's another thing, by the way, is this movie, not only could it go porno at any second. Yeah. This movie does look like... It's filmed with, like, the quality set design and film stock of a fucking 1990s Power Rangers episode. Oh, for sure. Sure.

Most of the sets are made out of Nerf. It's like you're doing... They're all made out of Nerf. Dude, it's like you're farting around on the set of Nickelodeon's guts. He's like, oh, no, I spilled beer all over my script. Don't worry, man. It's made out of Nerf. I wrote the script on Nerf. I made it easier.

Oh, no. Shaq Khan's got his Legends of the Hidden Temple. I made a note that there's one part where they're running around some cave, and I said, this looks like Legends of the Hidden Temple. It's a bad TV game show. And like, what do you do in New Line Cinema? This is 1997. There's some money floating around. Come on.

I don't know what pyramid scheme this was part of. But I don't know where the... Show me the receipts on this Mortal Kombat movie. It's 97. You've got all that scream money that you made. Come on. So, Lou Kang and Katana run afoul of smoke first. He burst them out of their little bubble.

Smoke. And does it say smoke? think of mine. Or maybe that was my internal head. My inner child yelling smoke. My inner child was going, because I saw this movie once, and I think maybe through the cloud of my Johnny Cage

depression, I don't remember anything of it. But every time somebody came up, I was like, oh shit, smoke. Oh, crap, it's shade. Holy shit. It's Maraca. Oh, it's night world. Wait is that, Aramack? Hold on. I'm going to start

jerking off my favorite character Erma. Just to quickly mention Baraka. Holy fuck, this. He looks like he belongs in Troll 2. He does. He looks exactly that way. Dude, I was saying he looks like the toxic Avenger. And by the way, for the record, I still think

trauma movies are garbage. Oh yeah, they are. So, I don't know, they get no fight. Then Sub-Zero shows up. Like, almost immediately after. I think he helps defeat Smoke. Yeah, he freezes him. Yes. And he doesn't have a mask and they're like, oh, it's sub-series. No, that was my older brother who totally died in the last movie. I'm his younger brother, Chili-Willie,

or whatever the fuck. Just, you know what, Mortal Kombat annihilation? Whatever. Just have them resurrected. And it's like, there's no explanation for Scorpion and he gets killed in the first movie. Right. And now it's just like the Sub-Zero Jr. It's like, you know, I don't really like all the changes the Shao Khan administration is putting on our world. Yeah, dude, he's defunded.

expecting to the other side. He's like the rebels. Because Katana has to be like, now hang on Sub Zero. I know that you hate Liu Kang because Luke Kang killed your older brother. But we got to fight for the same side right now.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend at this exact moment. So you've got to turn sides. He's like, all right, that's cool. And then Scorpion comes up and I'm like, yep, let's do it. Scorpion Sub-Zero fight. It's pretty good.

I think this fight's actually pretty good. Are you kidding me? Dude, I thought it was the laziest two fat guys trying to do gymnastics fight I've seen in a movie. And they are, the fight choreography is terrible. I can't believe you thought this was a good fight. Eric, come on. I'll split the difference. Oh, come on.

Because, you know, at least it's like basically the one fight that's not two guys in like football pads running into each other. American gladiators. Yeah, you get these robots and jacks. It's like, what am I watching? Yeah, they're karate fighting. They're recognizable characters, doing recognizable moves to each other. Nice ice clone usage right here. Yeah, that was pretty good.

I appreciated that. The whole fight lasts about 90 seconds, though, and they both fall off a cliff or something. No, well, what happens? I don't even remember. There's a big ice precipice that's going on. They're going up and down. Well, because Sub-Zero had to make that ice bridge. And I guess, oh, no, Sub-Zero is hanging off the ledge, right?

And Lou Kang has been informed that, like, Kitana is the key to everything, blah, blah, blah. Right. Raiden's like, no matter what, take care of your mother for me. I'm going to go out for some cigarette. And he, you know, Sub-Zero's who he's met. Sub-Zero's little brother, by the way, is hanging near his death. I just can't even. All right.

Luke Kang loses his charge, goes to save Sub-Zero, and Scorpion. Oh, my God. Kidnaps Kitana and goes, Suckers. Oh, yeah, the suckers! And then he jumps into like a, what is it, like a gusher's candy. And he's transported somewhere else. Dude, that big burst of fruit flavor, I thought fucking Frankie Munez was going to be standing behind it going radical.

And neither of, and some series is like, well, that sucks. Goodbye movie. And you're like, can't wait to see Scorpion again. Goodbye movie. Dude, it is insane the way these characters just walk out of the movie town. It's so crazy. Is yellow more expensive than red? Give all Irmax lines to Sub-Zero.

I can't believe the play that Irmaq gets in this movie. Well, Scorpion had a shift down at the fire grill starting. He's the manager there now, you know. Oh, no, the happy hour. I gotta go. Hey, hey, guys, I was over at Outworld earlier before I came here to clock in. Get a load of this. I beat up Sub-Zero's little brother.

You remember him from high school? I didn't get this. I kidnapped that Princess Catana, and I called these other two guys, suckers. Yeah. Suckers. Okay, whatever. Well, we got some kebabs that need fucking grilling.

Dude, how did suckers? Is that a drink special? Get over here. Mudslide. You know, Scorpion, I just don't know if things are going to work out with me and Devin's mother. I'm glad I can come down to the fire grill, And then my problems a little bit, you know. Good bartender's invaluable.

Mudslide. Half off mudslide. Dude, this suckers, that'll make your skin crawl, right? You're embarrassed to be in your own home. I was watching it and I was obnoxiously texting both of you while I was watching it. And I was like just, I think I said to Steve, like, I can't keep up with it. Because every time I say something was like the stupidest thing that'll be in the movie, the next stupidest thing. And as I was typing again, Scorpion called somebody suckers and I just put the phone

down. Oh yeah, you'd be there all night. This is too much to write. I mean, it's so mind-boggling that the word suckers was thrown into this food. It's a cartoon. Once that happens, we're in a car, I'm just watching a cartoon. Well, then that gushers explosion happens. So it's most definitely a cartoon. So we cut to Sonia, who's looking for Jacks. She finds him, I mean, like, I I don't even know what the story is. No, there's no story, but it's clever. It's clever, though, and I'll tell you why. Why?

Because, hey, we got to get one of these freaky-diki robots in here pretty soon. Whoa, Jack's, robot arms? Maybe he's in the laboratory where they make the robots. So are you saying that he was, like, two arms into a robot conversion? No, he's said, he's chained up like Frankenstein on a table, right? Yeah, like you would. like you would to Jacks. And Sonia comes in, she's like,

what? And she's like not even that surprised. Like, what did you do to yourself this time? I don't understand. I mean, we see the exterior of this building. And it's a massive government compound. It's a bond compound. Yes. And they say something about like everyone's cleared out and left or whatever.

This man is left on this operating table, chain down in this massive government facility. Like, it makes no sense. And he says like, oh, I wanted to get an upgrade because of all the crap that's going on. So I had them put these metal things on my arms. In Mortal Kombat Lord, just so you know, Jack's lost his arms. Yes, these are new arms.

Later on, they, in a fight, these fake arms get removed, and he's got regular arms, and it's bullshit. He's so furious. He's wearing. I was fucking furious. If you're going to do Jacks, do Jacks fucking right. Dude, he is wearing, like, the shitty movie equivalent of Hulk gloves. Yes.

That's what he's doing. And the bigger bit of bullshit about it is at one point, Raiden's like, oh, you're Jacks, but you look different. And he's like, yeah, I got an upgrade. And he's like, you know, you don't need bionic limbs to be the real Jacks. You can be all the Jacks you want a Jacks, Jacks, Jacks. And he's like, yeah, maybe that'll come into play later in the movie. We'll see, Raiden, shut up.

And sure as shit, he rips those things off, like the puppet arms they are. So he's chained up in an abandoned factory. like it's a zombie movie and like it's 28 days later it's resident evil yes and sonya like tries to get him out and he has super strength so he busts out of them and then all of a sudden everybody's favorite syrax you know edges out sector out the door yeah syrax dude let me i'm sorry but we're 100% that sector's not in this movie i'm pretty sure he's not but i wouldn't be surprised if he walked in the background i wasn't even fucked up watching this and i could have sworn that sector was I bet you know what happened? I think Sector was

crossing the street with a box of donuts and then Sonia hit him with a car. I think that's what happened. It's entirely possible. You might want to check the balance on your color levels. Maybe that might be the problem. Because there's literally no difference between the two

characters. Is there more than one robot in this movie? That's true. Yes. Smoke is robots. So we never see smoke as the ninja smoke? No. He's exclusively robot smoke. Right. Yes. Unless you're watching the video game or reading the booklets. Because I think he started out as a ninja.

He did, yeah, he was a regular old ninja. And then they turned him into a goddamn robot. But wait a second. You maniacs! Wait a second, though. Who is the ninja then when Shao Khan's like something, something, did you guys

do it right? And he picks him up and throws him in the fire pit. That's rain, motherfucker. Oh, rain. That's fucking rain, man. Rain smoke. I'm sorry. All these elements, you guys. We'll get to Rain's demise. appearance and immediate demise actually I mean it's a big fight

it's a big dumb fight in the factory Oh with Sonia Jax Yeah Syrac gets a good A good net thing that turns somebody into really bad looking skeleton Which never happened And here's something When you're making a movie

And you're spending millions of dollars To make this movie And there's a bunch of bad special effects You know what the least you can do is Buy a fake skeleton Hold it just out of frame Start rolling the camera and throw the fake bones on the ground

because this net comes out and melts this guy which doesn't happen in the game there's a net one of them has a net he does have a net and you just get caught up in it and it gives you a chance as Cyrax to then go and like beat the shit out of your opponent while they're stunned

but this ninja just melts to nothing but bones and then it's like the worst little CGI bones like fall and it's the worst fucking Foley score of the bones hitting the floor. Just get a fake skeleton. What a waste of time.

I mean, this... It's terrible. And, you know, whatever. This scene ends. Sonia does a kiss of death, which we all... There's like, I guess, dust. It must... Radioactive dust or something.

Dude, it must be gunpowder, because what else would do that in fire? It makes no... She had that kiss of death fatality, right? Yes. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she's got some kiss dust. Well, that's... Well, that's... Well, she picks it up off.

the floor. There's a container saying something. It's like danger and she goes and blows it on him. Oh, you know, you know what that is though, you guys? Because in the game when she did the kiss of death, she would go, and then like little lips would fly around and hit you and you'd die. This

is how you ground a fatality in reality. This is a reality fatality. Oh, right. You used the toxins off the ground. Picked up a bunch of fucking potassium chloride and spit it at him. At the end of this movie, she should have like a radioactive catcher's mitt

paw of a hand. It's like, oh my God, what did I do? When she fixed it up, she goes, oh, no. She breathed it in before she blew out. I can't believe I huffed before I puffed. Never huff before you puffed kids. No, that's exactly right. You know, Devin, one time I huff before I puffed.

And that's how I got fired from 7-Eleven. Wait, wait, cigarettes, you huff before you puff? No, no, marijuana, you huff before you puff. Puff, and then huff first. We'll get to it later, Devin. Hey, Kathy, Devin and I are in here bonding. What's the ETA on that beef stew? I mean, this is a good enough time now that both Syrac and smoke are RIPD, and we're out of robots at this point.

Yeah. Robots in Mortal Kombat in general around the horn, I don't think that they belong there. No, it's a bad idea, and you know why I have no source of a Dr. Robotnik or a Dr. Wiley or something like that. I need a scientist to be invented. these fucking robots. You know, I would agree with you, but I thought Mortal Kombat 3 was pretty cool. Mortal Kombat 3, I think,

is my second favorite Mortal Kombat game. Topping Mortal Kombat 2. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, 2 is the pinnacle. But I have to say, after that, I totally fell out with Mortal Kombat. I did for a fashion own that

DC versus Mortal Kombat. Yeah, that's a pretty good game. Which was okay, but you know what? Fucking blow me, no fatality. Are you kidding me? Why? Just because you don't want fucking Superman's head to get ripped off

eat shit. That's the laziest That's a coward's way out I'm making a video game. So the Joker doesn't have any fatalities? There's no fatalities. There are brutalities. Where it's just,

it's a fucking punch combo when I fall the fuck asleep. Fuck that, man. Yeah, dude, it's useless. That's why I sold that game. I think I got four and a half cents store credit at GameStop. So,

So, you know, after Luzzi Katana, Lucan goes out to the desert to find Knight Wolf or himself, I'm not sure. I think it's a little. Yeah, it's just got to get there. They go on a fucking vision quest, man. Yeah. They do a bunch of peyote in the woods. Dude, I was waiting for Jim Morrison to pop out somewhere.

Yeah. Or a vision of Brackus. Brackus. Night Wolf comes out as a wolf and then quickly, really terribly morphs into a man. woof this this transformation dude it's terrible it's so terrible like you know what

don't do it yep if I if I could go back in time to 1996 and visit the set of mortal combat annihilation I would tell them not to bother well because all he did to do is just he's a wolf and then Luke Kang like you close up on his face and he makes like a face

and then all of a sudden he's turned into a man and then it's over you know, just cut to an actual wolf running around. No, that's money. Wolf rental fees, that's through the roof. It's worth it. Oh, I know it's worth it. I'm just telling you why they didn't do it. And this is the absolute worst screenplay I've ever seen.

Oh, God. White Nilew comes out and he's like, oh, you want to beat Shao Khan, huh? You dumb kid. You're going to have to pass three tests. You dumb kid, by the way, Lou Kang's fucking 15 years older than this guy. Three tests. What is it? your quest

what is your favorite color I forgot the third one so did this movie they only show two quests and never mention a third this pile is shit the first thing he does

he's like okay you got to go into a dream like state and find your animality and man the amount of times they say animality in this movie dude it's not enough as it could have been

because the movie just kind of forgets that there's animalities for a little bit But you're totally right. Is he got to find your animality? My animality is a wolf, as you notice. Fucking no kidding, Night Wolf.

You know what? Here's the thing. Not once in either of these movies is anyone using the word fatality. Sure. You can't just then start slinging fucking animality all over the walls of this movie. In the first movie, they showed Johnny Cage's friendship, but it's not like, oh, hey, he's a later like, hey, did you see my friendship, Luke Kang? Like, no. Oh, because he autographed.

the picture. Yeah, that's like his friendship. So it's like a fun little nod to it. But did that movie predate friendships? No, that movie was out in the second, in the second one. The second, the first movie, the first game just had fatalities. Second game introduced friendships. Third game introduced animalities. And I guess

we were animalities. And what? And robots. And robots. Oh man, you know what I just realized? I thought ahead and we're not even talking about my favorite part of the movie yet. But let's let's keep chugging through. Let's quickly tell. Did you have more?

Let's talk about rain again real quick. Dude, my favorite character, rain. You know what? When we're off the air, I'm going to ask you to take your shirt off so I can see your back and make sure there isn't a rain tattoo on it. There just might be. Yes, about rain. So, Shaq Khan needs a new general because rain fucked up. What?

I have no idea. Apparently, he let some people live when he should have killed them. He let Stryker and Kabbal live. Oh, boy. I wish I could have seen this. Yep. Nope. I would have really liked those characters. Wait a minute. What? He's like, oh, did you kill those guys I asked you to kill?

He's like, Striker and Cabal. Actually, I didn't. I let them live because I thought that they might be useful. And then he gets killed. Oh, wait a second, but we don't see that, right? No, no, it's all off screen. Oh, wait, what in the fuck? I just, I missed that line of dialogue completely. So did I. I had the opportunity to Z he fucking Stryker in this movie and was denied. And Cabal, he looks cool. This movie's even worse. So he picks up rain, chucks him into the fire, and that's it for rain. I mean, we're talking 45 seconds of screen time. You'd think rain would put out the fire.

So anyway, he needs a new general. And I love this scene because, you know, you got Martaro hanging around. And that dude's looking like he's ready to fuck man, woman, or duck dude. Yeah, well, he says, he's like, if you make me general, I will personally hunt down every human soul. It's like, I don't think he grasps how many humans there are. He seemed like four so far. Martaro, that's going to take you a long time. Your four little hooves.

And then what I love is AirMax pitch. He sounds like a weird used car salesman or something. He's just like, souls, I will get them for you. For you, I will get the souls. Oh, man, my soul, I know that I've been lacking in the soul department boss, but he's like, he's like Jack Levin and Glenn Garrick. If you just give me those Glenn Gary leads, I'll get you all the soul. Oh my god

He's ninja outfits are for closers You want to be like that Go be a fucking robot somewhere else You know what, Ermac You can't come across the street for Chinese food Because fuck you and suck my dick It just cost me $6,000 Glengarry GlenCompat

Ooh When scorpion's on a good run He's like ooh I'll buy a pack of gum show you how to chew it you know what scorpion go fuck yourself a b k always be combating whose name's on the board shau khan shau khan shau khan shau khan shau khan holy shit that's so much better but he's like oh no i will make a new general general queen sindell she's like got seven titles what a fucking demerit and sindel i guess is katana's mother get ready for the fucking line of lineages of these characters.

Oh, I'm sorry, Steve, didn't you read the booklet to Mortal Kombat 3? I don't know if that's actually true or not, but I had to sling it back at you because I got my balls busted in the last Mortal Kombat episode. It's true, though. In the booklet, she's in... Oh, yeah, obviously. Oh, yeah. Wait, that means she's also the mother of Molina. Yes.

Who also has about 48 seconds of screen time. In the sexiest scene in this movie, we'll get to it. Sorry. Wait, so she's the queen mum. and she was dead for a while and then I guess she was good at one time and she was brought back as an evil spirit now? Shao Khan Reservoir.

I got, I was laughing at that. I got beer in my nose. Yes, Eric. She was resurrected by Shao Khan and the resurrection made her evil. And made her like a trashy trophy wife. She's got like these like bad streaks in her hair. The real housewives of Outworld.

Yes. She's another one whose makeup and dress is such that it could go. porno at any and she's a character that looks like a Power Ranger porno parody. She looks like that Rita whatever from Power Rangers like the evil witch

space witch thing. That's what she looks like but she could also possibly be having sexual intercourse on the screen. Oh by the way, you know when your movie has a problem writing women when you put your main character in a bird cage for most of it? Kitana's just in this bird

cage suspended from the thing and like she got kidnapped by a giant. Like, fee, five, four, farm, I smell the blood of an ancient princess. It's so stupid. Luke Hang's first test is he gets knocked out by whatever. He has a nightmare about a dragon.

He's like, oh, you pass the test or whatever. Ding, ding, ding, says Nightwolf. The first test is for his mind. The second test is for his dick, apparently. Because there is a fucking dick test in his movie. Yep, totally. Steve, please explain. Jade shows up, he wakes up like, oh man, night.

wolf left and took my wallet. And it's snowing in the desert now. And Jade shows up and she's like, oh man, I heard about Princess Catana. That sucks. Want to fool around? Dude, it's insane. And he's almost catching a beach from this lady. And he's like, no, no, wait. My heart belongs to

Katana. And she's like, no, it's cool. It's a dream. And he's like, are you sure? How can I tell? Boy, I sure do want this. And I'm sitting there like, boy, I sure thought this was a fucking Mortal Kombat movie. Fucking sex almost in this movie and then they fight for four seconds and she's like

oh you pass the second test dude she's laughing while he's like beating the shit out of her and I'm like what am I watching and he gets all pissed off to because she's like ha ha ha I was just joking and he's like joking I could have killed you we could have someone

could have gotten hurt and I'm like fuck you Luke hang you're in a movie called Mortal Kombat Annihilation everyone could be hurt and fucking horses shit that's it No third test. No mention of third test. Night Wolf is gone. The third test that she betrays them? Is that Jade? I don't. I'm trying to make the puzzle piece fit.

I think there's a thing where there's a whole lot of deleted scenes from this movie for no reason. Yeah. This movie's 95 minutes long. Yes. There's holes out the ass. And I feel like there didn't need to be. No. Well, I mean, like certain characters, I was reading like that fucking striker scene apparently. Like Mataro and What's His Face and Shiva were cut because their special effects were so expensive. They couldn't have them on screen for too long. Night Wolf is just a Native American gentleman with a painted face. And not for nothing, he's the best-looking character. He's the best design.

His effects play the best. He's even got his little green flame tomahawk that he throws. It's all there. It does. And it works. And he's just like, oh, see you later, movie. His filmography is actually pretty awesome. He's in adaptation.

Is he really? As, like, one of the guys, like, poaching the orchids, I think. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, he's also the Indian in the Indian in the cupboard. Wow, what? The Indian of the Cove. That might be a statue. Oh, it definitely is.

I saw that in theaters. I saw this in theaters. But you walked out, right? I walked out. Was this the only time you walked out of a movie? I think it might have been, yeah. And the thing is, I'm like, what were you thinking? Because now I'm like, this is a good, bad movie, kind of.

I stayed through it with my tear-stained, t-shirt, the entire movie. When did you leave, by the way? Yeah, what was the last straw for Eric Siski? I believe it was when Sonia and Jax were wandering in the desert. Just right now, that's exactly where we are. Yeah, no, so that's where I'm...

Good night, guys. Good night, everyone. Yeah, now all of a sudden it turns into fucking Gus Van Sant's Jerry all of a sudden. Oh, man, which reminds me of the time Steve Saneck and I tried to watch Jerry and gave up. No, we just fast forward to the end. Like, oh, he gets at a

Got it. Done. Dude, I've never been more tired of living than watching Gus Van Sands Jerry. I fell asleep during that and I slept pretty well. You wake up for that rock crack or what? I don't know. Probably not. Yeah. You woke up and you were somehow watching Elephant. And that, I was like, this I can get behind.

Next on the Gus Van Zand channel. Elephant. For some reason I had Elephant on DVD for a while. Dude, I had elephant on Jimmy D for a really long time. So if you're in a New York area, Goodwill, and see Elephant, you might... There you go, my personal copy. So Molina shows up.

Sure. You're like, all right, you got Sindel half naked, half through this movie. You got... Literally, Katana is in a bird cage, unable to speak. Jade's almost naked fighting in the snow. This movie's pretty misogynistic, right? Uh-uh. The nadir of class in this movie is this mudwrap.

wrestling match fucking like a goddamn Montana roadhouse on a Tuesday night dude we're just rassling in the mud in the mud where is there mud we're in a dry as shit desert yeah all of a sudden we're in a gigantic mud pit and jacks is just standing in the background cheering everything on and sonya's fight malina by the way malina the way she's introduced into the movie is through flying sigh cam yeah because sonia's like what's that cut to a flying sigh on a camera like through the air

almost hitting the actress in the face kind of a thing I think this is where Sector might have been he's in the background holding a garden hose It's a living Sector is the pervy

robot They made three robots At least one of them's gonna be pervy One of them's gonna be a sex robot I am programmed to make mud Hey Devin Don't tell your mom about that real doll

you saw on the trunk of my car the other day it's uh well it is what you think but don't tell your mom all right hey guys do you want to watch the man show no sector we don't hey guys I just downloaded Adam Carolla's podcast

it's a good one Dennis Miller is on and John Ristavis hates Muslims oh what that do you hear about that one oh yeah that that that rocked my world. Christianity's being murdered indeed. We have to get to the bottom of it. Like, what the fuck? Hey, John Reese, are you sure that when you said Muslims, you didn't mean Mexicans? We usually

talking about Mexicans on my podcast, but I guess we can talk about Muslims today. You know, Mexicans are Muslims. Donald Trump told me that. Everyone in Mexico is more Christian than John Reese Davies probably is. Shakespearean actors can be ignorant too, Indy. We can have biases and hate. Unbelievable. Yikes. I think it was a fucking, an alternate John Rhys Davies that slid into this dimension.

That's the only explanation. What a bunch of horseshit. Or it was that hateful dwarf. Oh, Ghibli show up? Yeah, man. One of the articles I read about it was like very unlike his character. of Gimley. I was like, fuck me. I don't know. Gimley will fucking chew your

ear off about orcs. No problem. Gimley's got a real problem with orcs. Someone say he's got an axe to grind. An actual axe. Because he's an axe wielding dwarf. So this mud fight happens and then like again, they just get

so mudded up. And again, you know what? What's bullshit? Melina doesn't get murder. A lot of characters don't get murdered. They get defeated and then like their power bar goes out. And it's like, in like, in the game when you can't do, when you're trying to do a fatality and you can't, people just fall down. That's what this is.

She falls down and a fucking, again, that seahorse goes, and goes to nothing. All right. Yeah, the tattoo becomes, I guess, is that like a soul, a dragon soul? They explain it later in the movie. I seem to kind of remember this somehow. So what

that is, is a temporary visitor's pass as Raiden explains at the end of the movie. All right, because it's his family. Yes. Only members of like the Senior God family. Elder God. Elder God, pardon. Right. The elder gods have these tattoos that let them like jump between worlds. That scene's actually where my favorite line of the movie's from because Sonia goes up to

Raiden and says that tattoo. I've seen it before on a robot and a woman. I think you nailed that delivery. I think, yeah, I think I could have done it a little more wooden. Slightly. But so all the drafts. dragons that are coming off of these robots and these women and so on. They're kind of like temporary tattoos that they have that allow them to use the same power, but they're not part of Raiden's elder god bloodline. By the way, this is all horseshit from a fucking fighting video game. And even it starts to fudge it a bit because they make...

Raiden and Shao Khan... Shaqan's father gets a lot of screen time in this movie. And I think he's played by somebody who I could not quite pinpoint. really bothering. What is his name? Dominique Strauss-Con? You know, for a second, I was like, whoa, did they recast shouts?

Shouts? Shouts? Oh, Shang-soon? Sorry, I can't remember. Do they whitewash the casting of Shang-Soon? I mean, you've had two white guys play Raid in, so I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah, that's true, actually.

And he's just like, hello, I'm your father. And it's like, I don't think he's given a name, though. He's an elder god. He's just an elder god, and how could I possibly care? I never understand in movies when they do, you have a strong villain in Shaq Khan who's not, I mean, Brian Thompson's a name, you know what I mean? Like, he's doing a terribleish job in this movie, that's fine.

Keep the fucking helmet on. Yes. Please keep the helmet on. Dude, he's rocking this cue ball thing. He looks like the W.W.E.'s Brock Lesnar. Fucking come on, man. But they always do this in movies when like to sort of add another element to it. Like, well, everybody's got a boss.

Like, I don't need Shaq Khan, Shaq Khan to have a boss. He was Shang's, he was the guy that you got to serve somebody. Bob Dylan Proverb, everyone's got to serve somebody. He's, Shang Sung got chewed out by him. And I guess he was always getting chewed out by Dominique Strauss Khan the whole time. Yeah, I think so. I think that sums it up. I think that does about some of that.

That's what this whole thing is. It's all the IMF. They're all coming in. They're trying to merge with our world. So do you guys remember when Jacks fought a lizard? What was that? Was that reptile? I don't know what.

This monster shows up three times and it's pointless each time. No one moved the cursor on, you know, the mouse on the visual effects rendering. So the screensaver pops up. And Jack's like, get out of here. He's like, get out of here. You big dummy. And he, like, punches this thing for two seconds. And it goes, and goes into a hole.

It looks like a skinned lizard. Like, you know, it's got like a lot of, I mean, it's orange-ish, so it looks like it's muscle. It looks like it's skin. Dude, again. Resident Evil looking thing. Making spawn look like Avatar. Yes. These things are disgusting.

How do you get this thing in your movie? We haven't gotten to the animality, which is the worst special effect I've ever seen. So apparently around now, for some goddamn reason, Rating decides to become mortal. yes to I guess continue fighting alongside these people I guess so I you know you know Eric I really don't know hey Devin they don't let me park cars this facility unless I get a haircut so uh Raiden's got to get a haircut everybody yeah I think that kid bought it I mean I really got the haircut because I you know I was just in prison dude I love the idea that if he's going to become mortal he's got to get a haircut and look like some sort of

sort of weird Venice Beach biker. Like, I don't know what is going on. And it's just like this dyed blonde hair and like this little gie he's wearing. I don't. It's so dumb. And I want to see, like, where's that

transformation scene where it's like you're getting your god powers taken away and somehow your fucking hair's falling out? Like, what? I had a dream. Life was worth living. It's just like, it's cutting his hair, he's sleeping in a grave. I dreamed a dream.

Shau Khan went away. But Shao Khan strikes at night. It's that or needle in the hay? Oh, man, that would be great. If Radin just opened up his wrists in a bathroom. If I do it enough, I become mortal. Then my sister. History will date me.

And now I could do Mortal Kombat. Immortal combat doesn't exist. I always wanted to play. Mortal Kombat is not said that much in this movie, actually. No, not really. In the first movie, they're saying it at every single minute. Well, because it's the Mortal Kombat tournament. There's no tourney here.

Well, because that's the best part about the beginning. It's like, oh, I guess Shaq Khan's break of the rules making the first movie useless. Yep. And it's some bullshit thing where there's a part where Raiden goes to, like, this weeping wall where it's like these three elder gods are built into this wall

and the computer graphics just look like a bunch of like liquid shit just falling out of a wall but they're talking to you and he's just like but I don't understand I thought mortal combat

was you know the rules were sacrosanct or whatever and the wall of shit is just like I don't know Radin we don't make the rules we just watch things it's a living And I mean, and also these elder gods are like, they say like everything's decided upon by mortal combat.

So you're a god god. Sure. And you decide, watch some, oh, how are we going to figure this feud out? I don't know, two mortal humans beat each other to death. How is this a system of government or religion? It makes no fucking sense. And also, how many people, how many good humans have died in moral companies? For literally no reason, then.

Well, I know, what was his name? Art, Art, yeah. Just for nothing. Game's life for this country. Art is still waiting for that code. Dude, Art died in vain. He's waiting for the code. So, I mean, I guess we all meet up together, you know, and Jacks is doing some pithy one-liners to everybody.

He says dissing at one point. Dude, to anyone who is listening, which is no one. He is just talking to himself in this movie. Yeah, he's kind of like just talking at people. hoping for a line to make a t-shirt eventually it's garbage they get sort of ambushed by sindell and um and chow con and sindel does it scream her special move yeah yeah the banshee shout or whatever and i guess they trick them into going into outworld which doesn't make a whole i i don't know it's some weird thing where they're like oh look i recognize that and it's the golden gate bridge yeah and and then he's like chow con is just like you were right sindell showing them that did trick them and I'm like fucking trick them for what what is going on oh and also in part of the theme of showing horrific things we also get the world trade center oh yeah you got to have it you got to have it our world we're merging with that super mario brothers is merging

with that whatever united 93 is no that got shot down but here's the other thing is like where is any of world government like all these dudes are our karate guys like I think I could fucking kill a military minotaur with a shotgun right? Oh yeah, just a one blast to his horse fucking face. I think Stryker represented the government.

Oh yeah, the entire world government was in a deleted scene. The one world government. Oh, dude, do you think NWO got involved in this? I do think so. I definitely think so. But you're right though, there's no, when all this merging is happening, there's no shots of

like people running in the street like, what the fuck is happening? Yeah, like or mass murder. They talk about these pating parties that are going out and killing people and stealing their souls, you don't see any of that. And I'm like, come on. I would love to see that. I would love to see just a suburban town

being ninja kicked to death. One by one. It would be amazing, right, if it just cuts to like a bright, sunny street. Right, like a father and son are playing catch. Exactly. And then like a portal, a green fucking gushers portal just opens.

Sunkers! Hey, Devin, get inside. This doesn't look good. but it would be such an amazing contrast and something interesting to see in this mortal combat sequence. Yeah, it's the father and son plan catch and all of a sudden the spear goes through dad's throat

and it's fucking scorpion. Well, we can't have that, dude, because that is violence, and we are just painfully reaching for this PG-13. It would be so cool, and you could actually film outside, not on a soundstage with CGI, you could actually have real things going on.

This movie, you're right. I mean, because this movie is entirely on a soundstage except for like the scenes at that monastery. And the desert is the desert where, is that where they also filmed Last Crusades, speaking of Last Crusade? Oh, you know what? I think it might have been because I noticed that as well, yeah.

When they get to that part where it looks like there's a house built into a mountain wall and I was like, is that fucking Indiana Jones there? Yeah, Chalkhont's after the Holy Grail now. I'll never go back to that land, indeed, if you know what I mean. We are crusaders in an unholy land.

That religion sounds like bullshit, Indy. Goodbye. Boo. My one-man stage play. Oh, man. You think he's going to get booed at the next L-O-T-R-Con? No, not at all. Oh, come on.

Listen, those, you get to a certain level nerd, they will cheer for anything. They'll cheer for their own death. That's what you need. In this suburban town where Mortal Kombat's coming true, there's got to be a fat nerd going. Yeah. Oh, my God.

it's Cyrax. Doing Syrac. Yeah, then Syrax rips his head off. Oh, yeah, I'm being murdered by Cyrax. What a way to go. Oh, where's sector? Oh, acid net. I mean...

Come on. You know, you're right. Nerds still cheer George Lucas. That's... He's an all right guy at the end of the day. He's a very generous philanthropist. Yeah, he won't be. talking smack on anybody's podcast.

That's true. I'll give him that much credit. So it's the third act of this movie, we find out that Shaqon and Raden are brothers and Raiden never killed him. And Dominie Strauss-Con is always just like not at all interested in Raiden for some reason. It's a big fat whatever. And Shaqon pushes Raiden off a cliff and kills him. No, he gives him a little Forrest Hadukin. Oh, does he? for Sadduken. Oh, that's cool. And Ryn's like, oh, man, I just, you know, I'm so honored to die immortal. And everyone's like, nobody cares. Dude, you know what this is kind of like, it's kind of like how Thor is, like, obsessed with humans. Sure. Oh, you're petty humans. Yeah, that's what

this is. He's like, he fetishizes humanity. It's really bizarre. And he's like, oh, my God, thank God I got to die a human. If only I could be masturbating while I was leaving this plane. Oh, it would be perfect. And Raine turns mortals. Oh, man. You think I could get, get, I get, can. cancer? Oh, man, that'd be so cool. That's so human, you guys. So we're at this, like, final fight. And it's a three-way fight, I think, is the... Dude, I got diarrhea. This is amazing. What did you tell me? It was so cool. Oh, Andrew's new neighbors just got an earful. Oh, yeah, dude. We're making a great rep now.

No, so it's like this final fight. So it's a three-year-old. So it's a three-year-old. way fight we have going on. It's Lou Kang versus Shao Khan, which that's like the main title bout. We've got Mr. Ed versus Jacks. Well, Jackson's like, I'll take Mr. Ed and literally nobody laughed.

Just so you know that's Mataro he's calling Mr. Ed. That's the joke because he's a talking half man and half horse. And then it's a four way fight because then Sindel versus Kitana. Right. And then Sonia is just like

It's great because Jack's like I'll take Mr. Ed and Luke Kang is like Yeah I'll take Shao Khan And Katana's like I'll take my mother And Sonia's like I guess I'll take Irma She says I'm okay with leftovers

Leftovers dude She's like I'm fine with leftovers And she starts fighting these faceless Ninjas and she struggles to Defeat Irmac what? That's bullshit because everybody else does not need any help in the Mortal Kombat universe except for

what's Sonia because basically Ermac busts out Noob Saibot like anyone possibly could give his shit. Wait Ermac turns into Noobza or like he gets like a double. Yeah he splits or something. That might have been like a special move for him like a shadow

version but maybe it is Noob Saibot? I don't know. On the Wikipedia article they referred to him. I'm sure we're going to get letters. People are going to complain. John Doveeby's going to write it's a tearstoke letter. You know what? There's going to be a bunch of letters explaining the noob Saibad conundrum that I'm just going to instantly

delete. So save your time. But everybody else could handle their shit, but Sonia again turns into fucking Fay-Ray. It's like, help me, someone, help. Just like that first movie. It's insane. So we're fighting it up and nobody really cares about anything.

It's just whatever. They're bad fights. They're losing and then all of a sudden they all start winning. You know what I mean? And Jacks for some reason thinks fighting a minotaur without metal arms is a good idea. Yeah, he's like, well, no, because it's what Ray didn't say. Like, you don't need these bionic implants, Devin, you can just be Devin.

Take your fake arms off and be Devin. Well, who cares what the robots at school say, Devin? You could just be yourself. You don't need those. I didn't finish school, Devin. Neither do you. And I'm not a robot, and I'm pretty happy with your mother. For now, I'm going to go get some smokes, though.

We'll see what happens at the 7-11. 11. So, yeah, no, Jacks just, like, punches this horse in the face till it falls asleep. Yes. He doesn't get killed. Nobody dies. No, not really. It's so uneventful. I mean... Well, Dominie Strauss-Con tries to interfere, right? And

he gets Superman-toed into fucking the Phantom Zone. What the fuck? How do you not even acknowledge how much you're ripping off with that right there? He just, like, he turns into a bunch of cubes and go and it's gone. It's like he splits into several squares and they all fold in on each other and then just,

And then, oh, sorry. We are just giving me over the animality, which is the worst part of this movie. Oh, Luke Kane turning into a dragon? And Shao Khan turning into a what monster? Hydra. Yeah, he's a hydra. Hydra? Since fucking when? Apparently he was from Greek mythology.

And then you got these two, these two nasty, really ugly, really, not just in CGI way, but in design. Like, Luke Kang should be more of that. Dude. Or, you know, that. A big. Green Lean Dragon. When his fatality in Mortal Kombat 2,

because his fatality in Mortal Kombat 2 was turning into a dragon and biting your head off, that fucking 16-bit video game looks leaps and bounds, but I cannot believe. He looks like a little fat fat thing. What is this little fat thing? He looks like Spiro the Dragon. Dude, it is something out of fucking food fight.

It's disgusting. It's embarrassing that New Line Cinema was okay with this. And then they just flap it. each other for a minute and then they fall down and they become regular people again regular people again not even a head bite i hate it you show me a high draw i want a goddamn at least one head coming off and another one grow and it's got heads despair that's the whole point of it and also in the middle of your movie night wolf comes up and says the thing you have to do the way that the reason this is a movie is because lu kang's going to learn how to do an animality and that's how he's going to win the big

thing hey lu kang this is how you get the credits to roll the only way that WGA will get any credit as if you learn anything in this movie. Otherwise it's actually just a video game. Yeah, we have to prove to them that this whole thing wasn't just made up on the spot. But it happens and nothing comes

of it. They just go back to people and then he breaks his neck or something? Well, basically, Dominic Strauss-Con turns out to cubes. Dominic Strauss-Crosscon, dude. And all of a sudden the elder gods show up who are nobody and who cares less. It's nobody and Mrs. Nobody. Right, and Raiden's inheritance comes in, chiching. Yeah, wait, and just getting help from your parents, Raiden, you fucking jerk.

And one of the elders is like, now the only way this can be finished is in mortal combat. And then the song starts kicking in. And I'm not going to lie to you. I've spent 87 minutes being frustrated, bored, kind of tired. But then that song kicked it. And I was like, fuck, yeah. Mortal Kombat movie. me and all the sudden

Syrax is killing me This is so awesome It's the way I want to go Fuck yeah, belly missiles I mean Spector might have been a little bit better Everybody likes red better than yellow Oh man it'd be cool if I got

Double teamed by Sector and Syrac Syrac puts me in his net And then Sector uses chest missile To destroy me And then it actually happens and, you know, Syrax is killing this nerd and Sector's just sprayed him with a gardenerone. And then Mrs. Say-that comes out and gives them both 50 bucks.

Thank you so much. Wow, this was a lot easier. If I'd known it was going to be this convening, I would have done it years ago. Goodbye. But it's great because the music goes, bomb, bomb, bomb. And then, like, Shaq Khan almost immediately gets the upper hand,

and it stops. And he starts Robert Dehryl kicking him on the floor. There is so much Robert De Niro kicking in this movie. It's not just Shao Khan that does it. At least four characters in this movie commit Robert De Niro's stomach kicks. And I can't even believe it. And then Luke Kang starts feeling it from the crowd again. And the music starts up again.

And he wins. I guess he does break his neck, right? That's how he does it? I think he just breaks his neck, is it? Yeah, sure. Well, no, because that's what it is. Because it is indeed mortal combat. Shao Khan has also lost his powers.

Oh. So it's Luke Kang and Shao Khan just fighting his people. Not as dragons and hydras. Not his dragons and hybrids. No, no, no. Yeah, and he just murders him, and that's kind of just the end of it. And then because he died, somehow the timeline gets reversed or something? Whatever.

Because all of a sudden, we're just, this is my favorite part of the movie, we're back to the temple. It's a beautiful day out. But then we also just cut to stock footage of New York City and San Francisco. And it's like, San Francisco, the Big Apple, Restore. to the former glory and it's just like scratchy dirty fucking footage it's unbelievable and all of a sudden for some reason uh striker and cabal are still in the desert calling each other jerry striker's just beating cabal over the head with a rock because he doesn't want to see him die and then all of a sudden ironically a family comes and he has to live with that shit

Yep, for the rest of his striker days. Yeah, and then it's just everything's back to normal. Katana lays one on Luke Kang like I've never seen. They tried to do it earlier in the movie and that's when the Sub-Zero interruption happens. Or Smoke? Oh, no, that's when Smoke interrupts. Or Sub-Zero Jr.? What happens to Sub-Zero Jr., man?

I think he, I don't know. He's got a shift at the ice cream park. Right, yeah, he gets a job of Carvel. He inherited the family business when his older brother died. in mortal combat or whatever. He's wearing his Letterman jacket from high school. You know what would have happened if he was just

like, hey, I'm Sub-Zero? Nothing. Yeah, nobody, no one in the world at that point. And you know what movie? You can't have it both ways. You can't have it be Sub-Zero's little brother and then just not explain away Scorpion. That's not how it works. It's one or the other. Either they're both

little brothers or they're both just the same fucking people and they're these like, you know, timeless beings. Like a Jason Voorhees, if you were. Yeah, you know, give Sub Zero a cold skull instead. Oh, my God. Do you think Scorpion was Roy? Oh, yeah, I think so.

Scorpion poser, absolutely. So at the end of this movie, Raiden is like, well, I'm back, and now I'm an elder god. And he's like, yeah, Raiden gets a promotion at the end of this. He's like, you all pass the team building exercise, and now you're like family. And it's like, the word family should be nowhere near a mortal combat movie. Nope.

And you know what this is? is this this goddamn speech that he gives is in tone and it's not like a verbatim thing but it's in tone and in a meaning Carlin's speech at the end of the first Bill and Ted where it's like and I'll be watching you and make sure you're most excellent to each other like that's because he's like you're a family now and I'm going to be keeping my eye on you and you all be good to each other I'm going to fly up into the sky you hear that Devin if they could be a family Maybe there's hope for us after all. Well, I was hoping, like, it would be amazing.

So James Remar Radin dies on Outworld, and then all of a sudden we come back and glorified Christopher Lambert shows up for the last scene. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was back. I was hiding the whole time. I hope you guys enjoyed making friends with my stunt double. I had to take a quick vacation.

Looks like everything was. Under control. I had my little brother Paraded come out. He hangs out with Scorpion's little brother and Sub-Zero's little brother. You might not know this from playing the games, but there is a whole Mortal Kombat family

for every character. Meet my sister, Jaden. Oh, God. Yeah, that is horrifying, right? I want that third movie now. Oh man, that third movie's been in the works for a long time. Apparently even destroyed by Hurricane Katrina at one point. Which, you know what, Mortal Kombat 3?

Way to blame it on Hurricane Katrina. Well, the elder gods have said no. Would anybody recommend this Mortal Kombat movie? You know, no, it's kind of seeing as, I think it's kind of worth it. Right. It's not, it's kind of a fun, bad movie, especially if you have, If you have any affinity for the Mortal Kombat characters, it's cosplay.

It's like, oh, cool. You're going to the world's somewhat worst cosplay convention. Dude, if you could do much better at home. Yeah, no, absolutely. If you want to see a bunch of porno stuntmen, make a Mortal Kombat fan film, Mortal Kombat Annihilation is for you. I say absolutely.

I mean, this is, I think it's so good. It's bad. It's just so bad. I mean, I recommended the first Mortal Kombat. I couldn't believe I did that then. I can't believe I'm doing it again, But this is just, oh boy, you get some friends around, maybe Devin, you'll put it up on the big screen. Please invite Devin over. He's got to get out of the house.

Yeah, he doesn't have many friends. No. No, I mean, this is, it's a seeing as believing, and I'll tell you right, I'll tell you what, right now. It's on HBO Go. This is September the 8th, this episode's coming out. You guys got till Halloween. I saw the expiration date last night when I watched it. You got till fucking Halloween to watch Mortal Kombat Annihilation, and it's going to knock your socks off.

Because it is, in the loosest sense of the word, a movie. This is kind of our first episode back for animation damnation as well, right? That was fun. Oh, yeah. This is a cartoon. This is a cartoon in the best way possible. Actually, this is an insult to cartoon makers. Oh, yes.

That's poor cartoon makers. That's Mortal Kombat Annihilation from 1997, directed by John R. Leonetti. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com, or find us on the sideshow network. Sideshow network. Dot TV. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com.

Clue for next week's all new listener request month episode. Made for television. Ooh. That's pretty vague. And I like it that way. of people complain that we're like two on the nose with clues and whatnot so there you go made for television figure that shit out and i want to say thanks sam for calling in a mortal combat annihilation very much thank you to sam for calling in uh i wouldn't have watched this

any other way so uh there you go so listen to request month continues next week gang until then i'm andrew jupin eric cisco stephen say that take it easy Thank you.