We Hate Movies - S6 Ep216: Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

As the new Listener Request Month rolls on, the gang heads to the Land of Made for Television to discuss the totally creepy, porn panic Lifetime Movie, Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life! What's with starting this film like it's Sunset Boulevard? How does Justin forget to close that door multiple times? And what's with that porno party? PLUS: Someone saying, "Green Day rules," in 2005? Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life stars Jeremy Sumpter, Kelly Lynch, Lyndsy Fonseca, John Robinson and Nicole Dicker; directed by Tom McLoughlin. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Siddak. And this is a very special episode of We Hate Movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Why is this a special episode? Well, because it's a lifetime movie that we're doing.

2005s, Cyber Seduction, His Secret Life, directed by Tom McLaughlin. This was requested by an Andrew from Florida. So this is the guy who, the one guy who requested this one. Hey, gang. This is Andrew Kong from Florida. I'm calling to give you guys. a great movie to watch. Cyber seduction, his secret

life. It's never a Lifetime original movie from the St. Louisville brought to an invisible child and it is great. It is a blast of a fun, horrible movie. I cannot recommend that you can find it on YouTube. The search

is cyberduction, his secret life, and you'll find it. Please pick it because I know you guys will love it. It is amazing. I can't stress this enough. Uh, so goodbye. Okay dokey. Yeah, I think you oversold it a little bit, but it's great, kind of.

I do appreciate using the subtitle as much as possible because you could just be hip and call it cyber seduction. Yes. But no, no, this is cyber seduction, his secret life. Secret life. It's a whole life that he's got that's like setting up a franchise. Yeah, yeah. Multiple colons with that one. But the funny thing is, though, ironically, uh, the way this dude conducts his

pornography watching, it's not a secret life. No. Everybody knows. So for everybody who doesn't know, by the way, this is a movie about a teenage boy who gets addicted to internet pornography. So if you're listening with your kids right now, you might want to pause this episode. Yes. Keep for yourself. Yeah, I know. We have had some emails where people say that they listen to the show as a family. Listen, you're not suggesting. It's going to be uncomfortable. Listen in

separate rooms. And then the parents go out for a drink or something. and just have some time apart but also maybe if you are with your kids maybe really listen to this as a family and discuss what birds and the bees right exactly and you know maybe get some like reading material get some pamphlets out and dads be

better than the dad in this movie well the thing is this movie is kind of a pamphlet come to life right oh well it's a lifetime movie they're all pamphlets come to life it's a library moving pamphlets I don't want to throw this out there the last two september's I think we did back-to-school episodes

because they weren't listener requests, but I think this qualifies. It's back to school. Oh, it's back to the school of hard not. You beat to school. It's a back-to-school that would make Rodney Dangerfield blush. Oh, that kid's doing what?

Yikes. Hey, kid, haven't you heard of white out? By the way, I don't want to lose the fact that this is season six of we hate movies. Eric, you've been trying to get this movie on the air since season one. Yes, yes. You wanted to do this so bad

you suggested doing an entire side show of Lifetime movies just so we could start with this. Yeah, called Once in a Lifetime that we do occasionally. Oh, yeah. I would love to do that one day.

Man, if there was enough time in the week. I can talk about it now since I've been disgraced and pink slipped by them, but I once worked for a lifetime television. And when I was leaving Lifetime, I told people there, I was like, listen, all right,

I'm the fucking bus is leaving. You get me a copy of this movie. because I'd always seen it because I used to do the schedules and I used to see this movie come up. All these delicious sounding titles. Yeah. So this one always entranced me. And I watched it back then and I was excited

to do it but we didn't want to break that 10 year rule even though now it does qualify under the 10 year rule because it's 2005. You're right. I forgot about that because this movie does not look like it was made in 2005. I wonder if this is a shelf job a little. It looks like a 97. No, but the internet is right.

We're using PDAs. We're like, we're just about, we're talking about MySpace almost. We're talking MySpace? I feel like that girl's got a sexy MySpace. Yeah, it looks like a MySpace. It does look like a MySpace. This is that awkward time and technology.

Kids listening won't know what this is about, but... Yeah, I was going to say, some of our younger listeners might not remember MySpace. Okay, so this movie, it's a Lifetime movie starring Kelly Lynch of... Roadhouse, fame. And Jeremy Sumpter from the pretty good Peter Pan movie that they made that time. okay with that Peter Pan movie. Also for you F&L fans out there,

this is J.D. McCoy. Star piece of shit, rich white asshole quarterback J.D. McCoy. Fuck that kid. If you guys bothered to watch that show, you'd hate him just as much as I do. Friday Night Lights? Yeah. Yeah, I know.

It's a great show, man. Except for one weird second season plotline where these two characters accidentally kill a guy. What? But then the writer's strike happened and they just kind of forgot all of them. about it. Well, that's just life in Texas. But this is cyber seduction, his secret life. We got to talk about the director real quick.

This guy did. Oh, Tom McLaughlin. Yeah. He did Jason lives. He wrote and directed Jason lives. One of the, in my opinion, best Friday of the 13th sequel. Yes. The original is your favorite? Oh, yeah. Not me. Really? I want Jason, man. I want that little tight grown up. What's one? Which is your favorite then?

Is it maybe, might be six. Wow. Steve, you've seen like two of them, the ones we've done episodes of them. Yes, and one, stay tuned, if you will. Actually, we can talk about that. Oh, sure. Yeah, I keep forgetting to announce this, but as this airs, you can probably buy tickets for it. Friday, October 23rd, we will be at the Jacob Burns Film Center for the Halloween Marathon, just like last year, doing a live riff on Friday the 13th, 8.

Jason takes Manhattan. Yeah, so come to Westchester. and watch us talk about over, talk over. One of the worst Friday sequels. Yeah. Visit burnsfilm center.org for tickets. All right. So anyway, yeah, he directed that. And then what, there's another thing he directed.

There's a second, like, kind of big. It was a big one. I want to see what it is. It was a biggie. Steve, can you stall? Steve's drinking a big squeeze UFO shandy. How's that? It's pretty good.

It's like the aliens are going to come. and get you? Yeah, I'm very scared of alien. Okay, Tom, the director of this film, directed previous W.HM episode, date with an angel. Oh, yeah, he's a hero. He's a personal hero of mine. So this is your, like, heavy Christian-themed Lifetime movie, which I don't think are all of them. No, no.

I mean, most, it's always a mother's worst nightmare or a daughter's worst nightmare or a daughter's first nightmare. Or a wife's worst nightmare. Yep. Yeah. Some some lady's worst nightmare is about to be told and we as the American public love to watch it. So this kid which I guess the Saved by the Bell movie was Tiffany

Amber Theson's worst nightmare. Is that how that works? I think that's how it fits in. Why? Does she married Zach Morris? Well no, just in general because Dustin doesn't. Oh, the lifetime movie. Oh, oh, that is that's another, that's technically a movie. What I love about this movie is it opens like

Sunset Boulevard. It totally does. This is a very self-important movie about I'm going to tell you about my own death. So this kid, I thought he'd been shot. I don't know what went wrong. You know, he's battered and bruised and he jumps in a pool, right?

And I was like, is this the opening to swim fan too? Like, is Erica Christensen going to like come out of the shadows? Like, gotcha. Right? That's what that movie is. Yeah. She's a fan of the. swim team captain. I never saw it. That's a stay tuned. Is it good? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. With Jesse, remember

whatever his name was? Jason Bear? No, no, no, no. The other one. The dude who's the victim of swim fan. Yes, swim fan himself. So, we got a nice cut to him winning a swim meet and then being named Allstate. And to which, like, the first lines of this movie,

aside from the like, you know, this is the story of how I died or whatever the hell is Allstate. mom all state and she's very happy with him of course i mean god damn justin you nailed it well this is it's setting up the fact that they are like an ideal american family this guy is like boy stud all around american if you don't have a boy stud your family's you know that's not american and he's got a girlfriend so he's totally normal oh yeah don't worry about it yeah we're all we're all happy super normal and like that we get that out of the way and like he's not he's an average kid he's doing good at school

he's got this he's got a sweet girlfriend who we becomes more and more Christian as the movie goes on yeah I think she's in the middle of some supreme conversion like right at minute one and you just see her progress into like Ned Flanders yeah so he's got that going

he's great in school by the way it's not just sports it's academia the world is his oyster oh yeah he's going to go to a great university and then you know suddenly the dark cloud of internet pornography rolls through the sky. Now, that was my question, though, where I wanted to start.

He hasn't looked at internet pornography before this movie begins. I think this party that they go to. It's his first exposure. This is Patient Zero. It's going to touch off a firestorm. We'll get to it. He gets the attraction of the local bully population. They're like, they're kind of grooming him to be a bully, I think.

He's being vetted to be a low-end enforcer. Like, it's so weird because they're just like, oh, hey there, Jeremy or whatever it's name. Oh, Justin. And he's like, oh, hey guys. It's like, Justin did really well at this. He made all state. And I was like, they're going to kick this kid's ass. And then they come up to him and it's like a Simpsons gag or something.

They're like, way to go, man. And I was like, what? No, you're supposed to punch him in the teeth. Nice to meet you, you swim jock. I'm football jock and this is baseball jock. We're going to hassle some kids later. We're kind of like that 80s. cartoon show, The Centurians, in high school form.

Wait, pardon me? Oh, come on. No, I don't know. I'd like to announce my last episode. No, the Centurians was, it was three strapping men. We're all kind of Iron Man. I like it already. One guy has all the accessories to fly.

One guy has all the accessories for land-based adventures. Walking, driving, going on mountains. Oh, driving, too. And the third guy is only underwater guy. That's what I would have guessed it was going. Yeah, yeah. So they all kind of come together and stop. That's an elemental force.

Yeah, exactly. The centurians. Wow. But they're like mortals. When does this take place? It's always the 1980s. Okay. Sounds perfect to me.

It does sound pretty good, actually. I'd watch that. Animation damnation one day. It's going to happen. So he gets invited to this party, right? as like the prize of like now becoming all state super jock you can now go to the bully's house

party that's going on so he brings his soon to be ultra-Christian but right now just like super Christian girlfriend with him to be fair this is a family function there's a bunch of people milling around the pool there's a bunch of old people at this party oh wait a second I didn't see the old people

I thought it was like a this is the cool dad oh no it's it's a cool dad who's having an all ages party Yeah, exactly. And if he was the only adult I noticed. There's definitely a cool dad. Don't you worry about it.

Oh, yeah. The perils of the cool dad are about to be explored. I get a little weirded out when I go to a party to somebody I never met. And then they're like, oh, man, cool. The real parties downstairs. And then I realize that someone's actually a lookout. I don't like lookouts at any parties that I go to. Or in this movie, lookouts with walking talkies, which is, this is the most systematic.

like really organized lookout at a party situation. It's like, no, it's like, who do they designate that can't enjoy the party? I guess it's a jock fraternity-esque thing. Maybe it's hazing. A freshman. Your freshman's got to do it. You'll jerk off with us next time, buddy. No, they make someone from like the golf team do it.

Oh, yeah, golf jock. Get out there, Leonard. Get golf jock on that shit. He loves being lookout. So, yeah, they go, he go, him and his girlfriend go downstairs. And it's a, a intergender. party. It's not just a bunch of dudes. Guys and girls. Lots of girls,

actually. Yep. And they're watching pornography from the internet hooked up to his TV. Yes. Via some website called Screen Views or what is it? Oh, I do you're catching all sorts. Oh, the search engine. Yeah. Yeah. I think

it is search ease. Yeah. And it's definitely like at the Google like red, yellow, green, blue colors all over it. Right. Search ease. And it's, it's, what this is is it's like 10 kids sitting around it's like type in like nurses and like the girls are just there being like you guys are so gross but like nobody's doing anything like no one's like actually leaving this party no and this is you have to just politely excuse yourself because this the whole idea of like putting pornography on at a party and it's like we're going to laugh at it no you're still just in a room full of people watching pornography it's weird it's a little weird it's a little weird It spices your party with a bit of weird energy that I would like to forego. Yeah.

It's just like, oh, this party's going well. Everyone's mingling. This is nice. Hey, let's be awkward for the rest of it. Dude, and I can tell you right now, I promise you, the one in that group of people that's like, this is hilarious is the one that's enjoying it the most. Isn't this so ridiculous and stupid? He's like getting the thrill of making you watch something. You know, it's sort of like a sexual attack.

It's going to be. Oh, it is. It's a minor one. And, you know, you, and people love to sub in hilarious with sexy. You know what I mean? It's going to be like, oh, man, this is so hot. Yeah. That'd be disgusting. It is, dude, this is so funny. Isn't this hilarious? Look at the bad acting. Oh, yeah. There's always the guy who points out the acting in the corner. You know what, dude, we could put on fucking Mitchell right now and enjoy ourselves. We don't need to just watch. I could find bad acting anywhere. I can put on, yeah. So the, so here comes cool dad. This is my favorite part of the movie. The lookout guy is like, your dad's coming down to the basement. Turn off the porno.

And this guy walks in, they turn on the football game. And it's like ESPN classic. Yeah, totally. And this cool dad is just like, hey, I remember that game. Oh, and also they all like simultaneously put down their beers. So then when the dad's like,

you kids good, you need any more. sodas. That's like, dude, you know what's going on in this basement right now. Having a soda party watching a football game from 20 years ago? All right. Dan Marino's rookie season, okay. I love my kids. Sure are a lot of erections in this room. Well, I'll see you later. Pitching a couple tennis down here. I thought I didn't know you guys were going camping. Was it cold out? Is it too cold in here or turn the heat up a lot of blankets over those laps? You guys got a little crotch nipples going on Well, all right, I got to go to my adult party

Well, they pretty much kick him out Oh, it's just like he wants to talk to them And they're like, dude, we're having a party The guy just good, like the kid, I think it's football jock Because actually, I think baseball jock Is upstairs on the radio maybe Like of the two main goons So football jock just goes, dad

And it's like dead silent in the room And he's like, oh, oh yeah, sorry and high fives his kid and leaves oh that's fucking embarrassing yeah football jock by the way played a very notable bully in a history of violence he's the one he's the one that gets the shit kicked out of him there's a lot of people get the shit no well the bully from school who like the jesse Eisenberg surrogate uh oh you want to talk shit about me and he's like throwing him around the locker room oh that's that guy yeah he's like you're a piece of shit like over and again like he has a real freak out about it i'm due for a rewatch on that i really am honestly that and

eastern promises do for a rewatch cronenberg style that's a lightly uncomfortable night yeah well as long as you don't throw in that fucking snooze fest with a young and Freud uh a dangerous method you know what put me right out i will denounce this movie to the day i die i know cronberg fanatics will disagree but Existence I did not enjoy I got to revisit it but I didn't I wasn't thrilled with it when I watched maybe I need to revisit it now that I know my ways around a tooth gun A gun that shoots tooths

I think that's what happens I guess they're called teeth Jeremy Sumpter and his girlfriend are very uncool Well he's like hey this is a pretty cool party right Dude you see the seed getting planted His mouth is open this entire movie Yeah that's like I was like was he a car accident and had like sort of okay but not great jaw surgery close that jaw i thought he's trying

to maybe cover braces possibly oh that might but also he's just like and his girlfriend is just like oh hey can we get the fuck out of here yeah exactly and she says something like oh you know you can find better uh you can find more loving relationships on the animal channel and her boyfriend and he's like i didn't know you were to watch an animals do it and he's like a third sincere. Oh, no, absolutely. That's like, that's one of his hilarious jokes. Yep. What she says. This guy's going to be in a documentary called Zoo one day. Oh, man. What a fucking pig fest that movie is. This movie should end much like Zoo does where a dude gets fucked to death by a horse. You know what's great? Possibly.

We talk about Zoo all the time, but I've never seen it. Oh, my God, you need to see it. You're so I have to watch that movie. I watched like two years. I mean, it's been spoiled for you. I watched it two years ago. It holds up. congratulations no one's ever said that before well it's not Chris Cabin's a big defender Chris Cabin does love zoo at the end of the movie a guy has a bucket full of pornography and he's running from the federal

it's fucking great which is how this movie should end you're totally right but you know here's the problem well no I guess that guy's got DVDs too so it's got play a DVDs I was about to say this kid's got no mags because it's a cyber seduction Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes, so he realizes, he's like, oh, now I guess I just, you know, a caveman now knows how to make fire, right? It's like that's exactly what this is. I could use search ease to find pornographic images. Because before that basement party, he was living large. Not only that, though, what this movie makes it play out like is he's never even heard the expression like dirty movie. Like he doesn't understand that you could put a camera in front of.

of two people and film them have sex and then other people would watch it like the way he's he the way the light bulb comes on this is how he finds out what sex is yeah like he's been dating this girl that's not getting anywhere no no well she's a real wait till marriage

person well the weird thing is like he drops her off and he's trying to feel her up as like on her front right on the front porch which bad form jd mccoy there's more boob touching in this movie than I appreciate in my trashy lifetime movies I was surprised there was this much teen boob grabbing. He's all over it, man. You can't keep this kid away.

Oh, we do have to, we can't forget this is a very crucial character at that basement party. Oh, yes. He also makes eyes with this other girl. Monica. Yeah. And she is the, I think she's the girlfriend of baseball jock. Well, yeah. And so it's like a hey, hey. But that's, but that's all it is for a little bit. First time watching pornography. if you're already planting seeds. You know what's interesting because I kind of agree with you now that I think about it

that he never knew what pornography was before or anything or even sex. Yeah, yeah. Because he goes home and logs on to like AOL Instant Medicinder or whatever. Hermes is the internet service or whatever the fuck you want to call it in this.

IRC chat. And his screen name, I believe, is Strokeman. Someone's name is Strokeman. I don't think it's him. He's swimmer. Oh, he's swimmer. Because when he goes to this chick's house, spoiler at the end of the movie,

like he rings the buzzer and she's like, yeah. And he goes, oh, it's me, swimmer. And she's like, come on in because they've been talking in the chat room. The other guy is Strokeman. That's gross. Strokeman. I thought Strokeman was him for like a swimming thing. I like to swim.

I'll be the stroke man. Yeah, and he totally just doesn't understand screen names. Why does everybody keep laughing at me in chat rooms? And imagine the swimmer screen name. What's weird is when he ends up eventually emailing this girl, every subject line of every email he sends her is swimmer. Yeah. Could you imagine how unsettling it would be?

If I emailed both of you every day, go, the subject, Eric Siska. It would be creepy. Right. But I also like, I would be like he's wasting, you know, online real estate because it says his name already in the from box. Right. The messages he sends her are downright threatening for the most part, right? When we get there? Yeah.

Just a little creepy. Like it's just a little bit too much. One of them was, you're so amazing. Well, he's like the fan in the bodyguard, like just stalking Whitney Houston. So he goes home and like his buddy's like, oh man, check out at Monica's sexy home page. So this girl in their high school is known school-wide that she's got a nudie cam website. And that's the thing is it's never really, it's really vague. Like there are times when you almost think that this girl is a sex worker.

There's times when you're like, not sure, is she like actually like a legitimate cam person or is she like, or does she just kind of have a sexy Y space? Well, it's a vague stroke trade. So in his room, he has his computer. which has, his room has a door that can close. Yep, like most doors. Like most of the purpose of doors. And every time he looks at pornography for the first two acts of this movie,

he doesn't close his door. This door is wide open. Rookie move, asshole. He's got a mother, a father, and a younger brother running around. Yeah, a very Canadian younger brother. A Canadian precocious younger brother. You close that door and say, hey, And then you start pumping the green day.

You know what I mean? Thank God you said green day. Yeah, I was like, how is this sentence finishing? Pumping the what? You start blasting loud music because you're an angstique team. Right. Yeah. Yeah, he's closed the door before, I feel.

Yeah. And you know, like he knows what he's doing isn't right. Of course. Have that fucking foresight. Like, it's such lazy screenwriting that this door is left open. Or, you know, he's starting to learn. Flirt with danger. Like the thrill of getting caught, right?

It's part of it. Yeah, like these people that do it outside. Have you heard about these people? Yes, I've heard about these people. I'm just letting you know. They do exist. Yeah. It's like they almost want to get caught.

I think it would even entice them further. Yeah, but I don't want to get caught by my mother and or my father. Well, this is a weird kid. Here's an interesting thing to do, right? at the beginning of the movie set up a thing where like the mom goes to close the door and it opens by itself and she's like, we got to get this door

fixed. Exactly. Because then he can be looking at pornography, doing whatever and it's and that door just opens and then Kelly Lynch just happens to walk by and sees the pornography. If that was the case and I was this kid, I would spend the next

three days redecorating my room in which my computer and my desk chair is right next to the door so I could use my foot to keep it closed. I would figure it the fuck out. Well, maybe it's a thing where he doesn't think this is going to be a long-term issue. He's just like satisfying

a curiosity really quickly. But the second that this porno site opens up, his eyes go wide like he was injected with morphine. And he kind of starts to shirk his responsibilities, right? Like that's kind of Well, that's when the demon pornography gets in your soul. He goes to the

swim meet and then he can't stop staring at every single girl's chest. Dude, let the leering begin. And this, again, it's acting like this kid has never, as a sophomore in high school, has never looked at a girl and been like, oh, that girl's attractive. Yeah. It's like

this leering like, holy fuck, I can do this with my eyes. But it's like, he has a girlfriend already, you know what I mean? Like, exactly. He's looked at her before. They're making out, all sorts of stuff. And like all of a sudden, yes, now all it is, for the rest of his life.

It's like puberty happened overnight because this asshole had pornography at his party. You don't put hair on your chest. You'll grow up overnight. And so he starts to fizzle out there. He almost immediately gets caught by his mother, right? She walks right in on the first try. She knows what's going on.

For most of the movies, she sees it. She sees images on his computer. Well, here's the thing. And this is weird. Is this Kelly Lynch's movie or is this his movie? It's a power struggle. It really is. They're both making the poster.

Because, yeah, yeah, because she's... It's like they're tugging back and forth. It's a very... They are. It's a tug of war. Yes. Yes, it is, guys. And, you know, because we follow her.

We find out, like, it's one of your typical lifetime what TV things where the family looks incredibly rich, but for some reason they're not. Yeah, it's like, you look at these people and you're like, All right, yeah, here we go. Let's pull up to the McMansion. Yeah, but they, like, live in a shitty house, and the dad is like, I don't know if we can afford this vacation to this spot in San Francisco for our 20th wedding anniversary. And I was like, oh, wait, they have like money problems?

Oh, I don't want this. Well, I was saying, because their house is pretty good. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's big, but, yeah, you get the sense that they have certain monetary issues. And they both work. So it's like, oh, well, what are we doing here? What the hell does she do? She's in an office half the time.

Oh, right, that, like, she's got the one co-worker friend who answers her phone at one point. Yeah. That's rude. And she also has, like, a side babysitting gig. So this kid's got plenty of time. He's all, yeah. Oh, yeah. Mom's got a lot of things to do during the day that.

Yeah. And the dad kind of works at the office. It's not super specified. He's dressed like Al Bundy the whole time. Yes. Yes, I was singing that the entire time. Maybe the office is a shoe store then. He's a skinny enough guy

He's wearing a short sleeve dress shirt with a tie Yeah And it's like that's it You're literally Al Bundy Especially if you're balding The character is such bullshit though Because unless he's yelling at his son For looking at pornography

This guy is just like Another day dealing with the boss And flopping down on various pieces of furniture I looked up this guy man He was in tech war Oh wow Like an episode But he was a tech war man

One day we'll have a tech war Podcast. All 22 episodes of Tech War? How long did that run? I don't know. Not long. Not long. Maybe a season or two.

And then we'll do every Shatner book that he wrote. God. That'll be my deathbed podcast. So we are kind of pushed further into this girlfriend as a Christian by a scene where they discuss music that they listen to. Like he's all horny as fuck from this porn argument. It's already happened. It's inside of him now.

He's a vampire. He's a vampire. Yeah. I was actually going to say he runs into this woman from behind like a werewolf and like grabs her headphones and listens. And he's just like, oh, switch foot again. What a Jesus freak. And then he goes like, Green Day rules. You're like, holy fuck, 2005.

Yo, what? Green Day rules? That's, no, that's wrong. That's a 97 expression. Yeah. I mean, that was a round American idiot. And I get it. But, like, I feel like a 16-year-old kid didn't give a shit about Green Day or not to say green, new enough not to yell Green Day rules at high school.

Right. I feel like it was a Lincoln Park era. It was. Oh, man. Well, get ready for the new medal. Yeesh. And then it's great because the Monica walks by and he's like, hey, Monica, do you like switch day or green? He's like, hey, Monica, do you like switch foot or Green Day?

And she's like, well, switch for like altar boys. I like Green Day, because I'm garbage. Bye. I don't believe in God and I love Green Day. He's just like, well, see, honey? The Camgirl likes Green Day. And I mean, like, talk about getting into shit for the rest of your relationship.

You know what I mean? Like, just like, why do you just ask Monica? Everything she likes. Yeah. You know what? Maybe he should because, you know, you're that young, you're in high school, right? This is high school.

but yeah of course so it's like who come on come on come on kids it doesn't matter say whatever you want it's not like you're going to marry this girl so eventually he does get caught by his mom or his mom is just like putting stuff away and like all of it

she's like oh hey you know I found your whatever he dodges a bullet once okay because here's what it is it's the first time that he's looking she comes in because it's like dinner time or something like that great time to be looking at pornography while your mother is down downstairs cooking you dinner you have a computer in your room wait for everyone to go to sleep and

that's the end of it so like he said like caveman discovering fire like he's figuring this out step by step because he's like okay don't look at it while people are still up all right so then like the very next scene is him uh waking up in like like 2 a.m or something like that he's like maybe now's a good time for pornography that's prime time man yeah and so he starts looking at porn and And then Kelly Lynch wakes up to, like, go to the bathroom or something. And she walks by his door, which is again left wide open. And you'd think you'd learn from the last time you got fucking caught almost. And that's when she sees it.

And she runs back into the bedroom. And she's like, Jeremy's looking at pornography. She basically lets him. She's like, it's Justin, by the way. Oh, I keep saying Jeremy. I'm sorry. I wanted to be Jeremy. Jeremy's spoken.

Yeah, in class today. Justin's stroken. Could you tell I've been waiting 10 years? Well, five years? Anyway. Have you, out of curiosity, in this 10 year period, five-year period, have you, like, actually done this episode with two puppets? Like, you have two stuffed animals on your bed? Dude, it's only on two puppets.

It's straw men with fucking heads. This is what Andrew would say. No, this is Steve. I know Andrew's going to mix up Jeremy with Justin. And here it comes. This is my moment. So, no, she actually goes like, Justin, what is on your computer? Like, oh, she does, does she say something at the nighttime part?

She does. And then, and he's just like, I think he spooked or whatever. Yeah, oh, yeah, he's like, uh, nothing. There's an accident. It was a joke. Bye. And then that's when she wakes up Al Bundy. Yeah.

She does. And he's like, you know, like he's made to be the typical guy. And he's like, ah, who cares? And she's like, I have a real problem with this. I would have a real problem with it, too. You know what? Don't be a dick about it. You know what?

I got to live through your fucking sexual revolution. That's fine. Just close the door while you're revolutionizing in there. Exactly. Like, you find yourself on your own fucking time. Don't make it my problem. I do your fucking laundry. Close that door.

Because that's what one of the times she walks in, I think maybe it's the first time. She's like, oh, I got your sock. What were you doing on the computer? Here's your laundry I was doing for you again. And the next night The dad does have a conversation with him And again, instead of being like, dude, you know what?

He kind of does like the guy thing Where it's like, you know, back in my day, it was porno mag. Oh, yeah, totally. Sneaking into the dirty movie theaters. You know what normal people did? Jerking off in movie theaters. Going up to a clerk and buying pornography in person. The rush of being there, 1.30 in the morning.

Yeah, I don't understand what you kids are doing. Makes no sense. sense. That's not pornography. That's weirder than pornography. It's sick. You know, you just go to summer camp and jerk off in front of a bunch of people. That's what normal kids do, Justin. But the thing is, he's like, oh, you know, back in my day, you know, me and my buddies, we all had, like, porno mags under our bed. And this kid's reaction should give the dad's realize how bad this is. He goes, oh, yeah? What kind of magazines you have? Tell me about it. him. What were you guys up to back then? You still got him? It's like, oh, you know what? I got the weird kid. Yeah. Oh, man. One's Canadian for some reason. I got to talk to my wife about that one. And, you know, he kind of says, you know, basically, you know, hey, you know, everybody, everybody's got to, you know, got to learn, like, sex isn't everything. You know, I love your mother for a bunch of different reasons. And he's

like, yeah, I know. Even though she's Kelly Lynch and she's aging pretty well, so I'm doing okay in that department. how I really lucked out. I look like Al Bundy and look what I got. I look like Al Bundy. I have no money. Can't even go to San Francisco. It's right down the street.

Yeah, where does this take place, by the way? I think it's just big California. Yeah, any town, USA. America? Because this is a lesson for all Americans and Canadians, actually. I bet you it takes place in any town America shot on location in any town Canada. And that's where you got this little brother because that, I'm telling you, little brothers, these are the roles.

They will get the local talent. They don't care. They don't care. Look at the kid anywhere. Little kid is super into grand theft autos and violent video games. So like we're kind of hanging our hat on that here too while we're sermonizing. But it's not criticized. No. Like at one point, like to cover up that they were both looking at pornography, he's like, oh, we're laughing because little brother killed the

drug dealer in Grand Theft Auto. And Kelly Lynch is like, oh, well, that's totally fine that a 10-year-old's playing that. That's great. Meanwhile, I got this other pornography addict to deal with. So he finally learns to close the door at long last. And then the brother barges in, like little brothers do in these kinds of movies. And there is just like a bunch of pop-up porno ads all over this thing. And he does the funny thing of like, I just have to hit escape. And because it's a movie, he hits escape and six other windows open and he's like, oh, fuck! It's also worth mentioning the pop-up angle here.

Now, like, modern pop-ups is what this kid's porn is, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. He doesn't go, I mean, he doesn't actually go into these websites. Well, it's a fake lifetime movie, so we're not simulating porno videos. But it's like women and bras of varying natures. But they appear to all be commercials, though. Yeah.

He doesn't enter a website. Yes, exactly. He always hangs out in the lounge. Oh, samples. Don't mind if I do. And this little brother pulls the fucking, oh, okay, you don't want to show me? I'm telling mom and puts this kid in a really hard position. That is the nuclear position.

I don't know. You know, honestly, I'd be like, dude, I'm going to fall on my sword. I don't want to bring my younger brother. I don't want to be aroused near my younger brother. Are you sure? I'm pretty okay with that All right man you gotta close the door This is pretty awesome though

And it cut my favorite smash cut to this movie Is them at dinner And this kid has a thousand yards stare Dude it's like It's like he just went to war and back He's got this funny roll And he's just like Because you know because this brother's been

In too deep for a while Yes so it's like What exactly did he show this kid like Gaping whatever Like this is like this kid didn't even know sex existed that day and then he went all the way this kid looks like you look when you watch that documentary night and fog for the first time where it's just concentration camp footage and it's horrifying yeah and your face goes ghostly white your eyes sink

into your eye sockets and your mouth opens that's what this kid looks like after seeing yeah you're right eric like whatever extreme pornography this kid showed level six stuff you know like it's just he's gone through the first couple to you know build this party up get those XP points to get to level six he wasn't supposed to just game genie his way all the way to level six yeah exactly instead of like finding the sword he goes right to fucking sepher off and you know what happens yeah so this kid's a sheet and the next day the little kid's friend comes over and he's like oh this is a fun video game's like hey shut up that baby crap.

You want to watch what real men watch, right? And he's like, you promise not to tell. And of course, this kid's like, uh, yeah. It would have been great if they were playing that dragon dick computer game from the juror. And he was like, you want to see a real dragon's dick? And he turns on a porno video. And, uh, so that that seed is planted. Also, he falls out of favor with the bullies because he goes over.

Oh, man. This is great. This is my favorite scene in the movie for a lot of reasons. Because I think it explains why the bully is so upset. Like, I don't, it, so he goes to the bully's house and they're just playing Xboxes, right? It's like having a good old Xbox played out. Two dudes in a room playing an Xbox. It's also one of those generic things where it's like, this sure is fun playing this online video game.

Yeah. And he's like, hey man, you want to, and, uh, Justin. Justin, I'm sorry. Justin says, you know, hey man, you want to see something totally. totally cool. And the other guy's like, yeah, sure, man, knowing it's pornography, by the way. It does he, though? I don't know. They're porno pals. But the thing is, like, this guy had it on, this guy, football jock had it on at a party. Yeah.

To like, I guess show how adult he was. But like, I guess he doesn't really, especially like one-on-one with a guy with no girls here. I guess maybe he doesn't want to. He's up for group pornography viewing, but not a one-on-one Bob Crane situation. Oh, man. Autofocus. I think he's trying to get an auto focus going because he's trying to keep pushing. The football jock is trying to push Justin onto Monica like nobody's business. Yes. Dude, Monica's hot, right?

He's like, yeah, I guess so. He's like, she totally wants your shit, man. Yeah, she's totally over baseball jock. It's all about you now, swim jock. And, you know, if I happen to be there and take some picks. You know, I could just like sit down in a chair on the other side of the room and just start, you know, having my own party. You'd be cool with that, right? He produces her website.

He may. Dude, this movie needs to end with this kid being beaten to death by a table lamp. I would love that. Can you imagine if some secret assassin came in and beat him to death with a lamb? Way better ending. Paul Schrader's auto focus. Great. Excellent movie.

It would be great if it was Willem DeFoe. Fuck it. Let's just go the whole way. So he's like, hey, man, I got something really cool to watch. He's like, yo, dude, totally put it on. cool and he puts on bondage latex website which is literally called it's just

it's a woman in a leather outfit it's bondage latex and it's like it's it looks like an informational website more than anything else like where you can buy these things to get inside the catwoman suit but yeah no this is and it's not

just like oh you know whips and whatever it is a fucking the gimp from pulp fiction there's no eye holes or anything so football jock starts flipping the fuck out. He's like, whoa, dude, that's too extreme. Well, your brain's poisoned already. You can fucking show me that shit, man.

You're a freak. It's like a bunch of dudes who like sitting around smoking weed and then someone takes out heroin and they're just, whoa man, put that shit away. That's not what we're about. But I think what's going on is he's just upset that they like, he's like, oh man, he's going away from me. We can't just like hang out

and look at the porno that I like anymore. Oh, he's going way outside of my comfort zone. Or is he mad that, like, this kid's now the Trailblazer. Oh, dude, yeah. Like, I haven't gotten there yet, asshole. Working my way up still. You're using Game Genie for that shit or what? Yeah.

So now he has, he's separated him. Yeah, ostracized. From the bullies. Yeah. So that's a big problem at school. So also, he realizes, oh, you got something. Well, I was just going to say, this is the point in the movie where he realizes, listen, I keep getting caught looking at pornography in my house.

I can't go to football jocks house to watch pornography, which I thought that was just a porno palace, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I can start watching pornography in public, like say, my swim meet. On his girlfriend's PDA, which, I mean, for our younger viewers, is a... Holy Toledo, this is technology that passed me by, too. It's a handheld computer where you can do things like sort of hook up to the internet. It's great when you want to... And play snake.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, snake. The glory that was snake. But in this case, if you want to be a real palm pilot. Dude, you have had this fucking jokes written down for six years. Yeah. This is the one written episode.

I was going to say it's the only show that has a script. Well, one person is on a script. And he's at the swim, like, you can't even wait to go in the water, then ruin his relationship with his girlfriend also he's kind of like sort of flirted with as like he's a genius at computers like yeah that's kind of put in there because he doesn't hit escape he hits like an alternate code that like brings up a different window kind of a thing yes here's this dumb move on his pda here man he's he's saving everything to the hard disc yeah and then emailing himself pictures to look at later with the subject line good stuff but also he would have

to email from her email from the PDA because it's like old school you know what I mean like the PDA probably is don't email it's a really bad idea it's a lot of bad ideas just saving a bunch of picks on this girl's PDA and she's like hey what are you doing loser and he's like oh playing the computer game why why look at pornography at your swim meet you can't look at it at his house and he can't look at football jock's house but listen if it's doing something for you Yeah, that's the last place you want it, right? Well, so, right? Thus begins the larger question about this movie.

Okay. Steve and I are on one side of it, and I think, Eric, you're on the other side of it because it's a lifetime movie and we can't say for certain, how much of this are we to believe he's masturbating to what's going on? In these scenes.

It seems like the movie wants you to believe he just looks at this stuff all the time. Because he's just popping energy drinks. Like, I think every time you see, see him chug a red bull that's supposed to be him masturbate because this kid drinks like 17 red bulls in this movie yeah so it's like we can't show him doing it so it's like and you're you're you're more penis shaped than usual can by the way red bulls yeah just putting it out there that's true cyber seduction conspiracy theory I see because I'm of the frame of mind that

every time this movie shows him looking at pornography it's because it's a lifetime movie yeah It's like we can't show him doing it, but he's in the real version, he's pounded away. But, I mean, at the swim meet, maybe it's just some pocket pool. Yeah, just to get it going. Pocket pool before he goes in the pool. The thing is, though, I certainly can't do it after the pool. In movies, you know, when a couple. I'm sorry.

No, it's good. You don't want to jump into a cold pool and then watch pornography. It's not a really great idea. But, I mean, maybe this kid's onto something because he's getting himself heated up. And he's going to get a competitive advantage? Is that what's going on? Yeah, totally. I think it definitely works against him because he's got like another appendage that's dragging him down.

Because he comes in like last. He totally blows this. He does blow it. Yeah. He comes in third. And like this family is disgusted. Like this family. You were supposed to be swim jock.

They want to disown him. It's like you one time came in third place. What a fucking failure. Hey, you know what mom and dad? Maybe I'm addicted to porn. because of the crippling pressure you're putting on me. How about that? It's really weird because she like, so the mom's not convinced

that he's like a full on pervert yet. But she like walks over there and gives him like a death stare for not doing as well as other kids in this swim competition. Like she runs into him with her shoulder and just keeps going. But my question about masturbation. Oh yes. Sorry. No, it's okay. In a movie

when two, when a couple sits on bed, like when a PG-13 movie, when a couple sits on the bed and the camera pans up, that's language for they had sex, right? Oh, the next morning. Yeah. There's no real shorthand

like that for masturbation. You know what I mean? Every time there's a commercial break. Which there are lots of fadeouts to computer blue screen in this movie. That's where the commercial breaks come. Now, explain this to me, except for one time where it fades to green

for no reason. And then it's just back to blue for the rest of these commercial breaks. Just the laziness of making Lifetime movies. got nothing to do with anything. Yeah, it's, you know, bread and butter over there. So, like, in this conversation, Kelly Lynch is so pissed off. She's disgusted. She's talking to, and her husband's like, come on, it's not that big of a deal. She's like, no, he's up to all sorts of things and this and the other thing. And he's like, he's not going to be you. You were the, you know, the champion swimmer or whatever. And she's like, oh, no,

he's better than me. He's better than I ever was. And, you know, he's, we can, we, it's his only shot to get into college. And I'm like, yeah, what? And he's like, we could have, and the, the, the, the, the, the father pipe stuff like we could afford some college which is a big question mark but I think what he means is like maybe we can pay for some and he can take out loans for others well that's she's so disgusting she's like

oh great some college well flip a d d well I think that nobody knows what student loans are that's what I think I thought it's like oh we can get him a year of college and then that's it I went to a lot of college on no money oh yeah dude well exactly like he doesn't just need a scholarship

that's not his you're a middle class family you'll get it. You'll figure it out. Exactly. You're a middle class fucking white person. You'll get to figure it out. And at this point since he's lost to the swim meet, he starts to really

come on to the other girl because he's... Monica. Monica, because he's annoyed at his girlfriend who's so Christian. I think at this point, she starts wearing a habit. Is this in the mood? I think so, yeah. Slowly she starts to form a habit around herself. By the end of this

movie, she's played by the nun from the Blues Brothers. Because every, every chance, like in the beginning, it's one thing. And then as it goes on, it's like, well, you know, I'm going to go to church tomorrow. Oh, there's definitely a part where it's like, you know, I wish it. You know, it's Tuesday. Well, he's like, you know, I wish we had sex just once. Like, it's the old like, you know, what, you say you love me, baby. You know, what's going on?

And she's like, well, I just wish you'd come to church with me every once in a while. And I'm like, oh, I see what's going on. here. First, it's a thing where it's like, you're just making switchfoot jokes. Then it's like, oh, I wish you came to church with me. And what this movie does, it slowly escalates the Christian bullshit. Yeah. Right. So by the time it's at like red alert. Yes. Right. All hands on deck. You're already into this movie. This kid has been jerking off for days. And you want to see what happens. And it's too late. And you're stuck in a Christian movie. It's a secret sneaky Christian movie. You know what? I could have used a scene in this movie where he goes to church.

They said that PDA. Maybe he goes to confession. He tries to rub one out. Just get in there. I wouldn't put it past it. My son. Oh. And then he gets like an exorcism.

But the problem is he doesn't even realize like, oh, I like this one girl. I think I want to do sex stuff. She does sex stuff. If she likes me, let's figure it the fuck out. Let me break up with my girlfriend. Who I said, hey, let's have sex. She said, no, I'm too Christian. That's kind of the end of the conversation.

Yep, totally. Your family is not a religious family. You're not a religious person. This has nowhere to go. Yeah, he's not hanging around. No, exactly. You're also fucking 16 years old. Yeah, let's not kid ourselves here.

You're not going to marry this girl. Well, of course, the movie would want you to think that. Yes, of course. Well, you know, it's a great idea. staying with your high school sweetheart forever. Apologies to any high school sweetheart. No, I'm sure you guys are the exception. No, I'm serious.

No, you know, there's few. Yeah, no, there are. I don't mean that way. But, you know, most not. Speaking of the Christianity thing, though, there is a line that he has at some point. I think it's right after the first group pornography watching. I really wanted to mention it.

Because she says something like, do you think it's stupid? that I believe in God or whatever the line is. And he goes, you know, I think it's tight. You're not afraid to talk about your faith. What a shitty screenplay. That's what you say to your Christian girlfriend, hoping that this is a phase.

No, it's cool. Don't worry about it. You know, I think it's pretty awesome that you wear your faith on your sleeve like that. Come on. And at this point, I guess the cat really comes out of the bag, when they're at a pottery store Oh man

And the mother gets And Kelly Lynch gets a cell phone call From I guess Because it's 2005 So you would still say something like I have a cell phone call My cell phone is ringing From the younger kids school

Because that kid's friend Got into trouble Passing around a dirty picture From his email address Oh I thought it was a DVD Because that's another thing That's going on in this movie That's a little later.

Oh, this kid's burning DVDs. We'll get to that. Oh, CDs. Oh, yeah, pardon me. Here's a simpler time, Andrew. Burn your own DVD. What is this? Mars?

Hold up, future, man. So we're in Home Depot or whatever. Yeah, and he basically gets the whole thing fucked up because she finds out, and she's like, well, where'd you get this email from? And he's like, I don't know, maybe from Justin. And he's like, come on. Shut up, dickbrain.

And it's also a thing where once this kid hears pornography, he's seeing red. And he's like, you fucked it up. You ruined it for us all. But then he has to pass it off at something, right? Is this where he's like, oh, I think it was a swim team hazing or whatever? Oh, yes. They planted pornography in my inbox. Like, okay.

Great jokes. Like, well, those people aren't your real friends. Like, you idiot, the dad is like, those good friends of yours, you're never going to see him again, is the threat that he makes. You know those guys that don't exist and I don't know who they are? You're not seeing them again. All right. Write the names down right now. Yeah, Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent. You're not seeing these guys ever again.

These couple of jokers here. At one point, one of these, and this is why I feel this movie may have been made a little. earlier than we are led to believe because the fucking either football jock or it is football jock because baseball jock is supposedly dating this girl but he's like hey man wouldn't you like a little bit of Monica

and I was like a Lou Bega joke I guess at this point we find she's cleaning up Kelly Lynch is cleaning up the boys' room finds under some socks again it's the younger brother because he's in way too

deep. There's a separate movie about this younger brother that I don't want to see. His life is fucking out of control. Yeah. This is like Don Draper's little brother. Adam. Yeah. Best case scenario becomes a janitor that hangs himself.

Oh, man. She finds a CD labeled. Labeled. Yeah. Virgin vaginas. Come on. Well, I don't say that. I mean, label it, you know, Lincoln Park.

Label it, WrestleMania 7. Exactly. You want to go the wrestling route? What do you think your mom is going to be okay with, but just disgusted enough never to put it on? Switch foot. We hate movies. What was this?

I found this in your drawer. And so, again, It's one of like seven scenes where it's like you're looking at pornography. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Okay. I'm sorry. That's all right.

We love you. At least seven times in this movie we have this conversation. Now in this mother's head, it's just, she's thinking about porn all the time. She's got, it's spreading. It's like a fucking zombie apocalypse. It's become her secret life, actually, at this point. Her secret shame. What's my favorite scene of this movie is when she, like, she finds out like, oh, someone,

she knows. Oh, I love this. Has gotten divorced. Oh, my God. This is the rudest fucking thing I've ever seen. You know, honestly, this other woman should split her lip for asking this nonsense. It's so outrageously inappropriate. She had just gotten divorced. She's getting over her

failed marriage and moving on with her life. It's fresh, too. This apartment is just it's still got smoke in the air. Right. Yeah, the ink is still wet on those papers. And this woman comes up and it's like, oh, you're getting divorced. This online pornography have anything to do with that?

And at first she's like, oh, is Stephen, which is her husband's name? Oh, my God, is Stephen into online pornography? She's like, oh, cool. I could like, counsel someone through this really difficult situation. Oh, no, it's my 16-year-old son. I'm like, you know, get the fuck out of my

face. Yeah. Instead of saying that on her floor and leave. That's what she should have said, but instead she says, online pornography destroyed my marriage. And what I, she is such a seasoned pro at having her life ruined by someone else's porno addiction that she breaks into a monologue that's like Liam Neeson in that first

taken movie, just like the first thing that's going to happen is he's going to get away from he's going to be distant and he's not going to want to do things. And then he's going to start, he's going to start failing in school. And then they're going to take him. The pornography demons are going to start spending a lot of time in the study. But what is he studying? Dirty Picture. It's amazing.

I mean, this is, first of all, right in the fucking hallway of this school. Yep. Just right out in front of everybody. Didn't your husband have a pornography addiction? Yeah, that's right. And she's like, oh, well, oh, it was your husband and it's my son. So I guess it's not really the same thing. Sorry.

And she's like, no, no, no. We have to set aside time to talk about this later in the movie because this is going to kill your whole family. It's kind of like in a nightmare on Elm Street movie when somebody had their first nightmare and just got away from Freddie. and then they go to like the old library and they're like, you know who Freddy Krueger's? I don't know about Freddy Krueger. Nobody knows about Freddy Krueger. Nobody knows about online pornography.

No way, no how. Meet me outside later. We'll talk about it. Maybe because I saw it recently, but like watching this movie again, it reminded me of It Follows. Yeah. It's just you can't escape it.

Funny enough, speaking of It follows, though. There is not one mention of an STD in this movie. No. And there is much open talk about like, teen sex and we know you're going to want to do this and whatever, not a mention of like protection or any any kind of... No, no even mention

that you need to use a condom. Yeah, or as the kids call it, Jimmy had on in these situations, yeah. Was that a 2005 expression? Maybe. Maybe it must be, right? I don't know. What are they calling them now? Pogs? I don't know.

You know what I heard is a thing that young kids are saying and this is fucking weird? Layed on me. When they want to say that they're like horny or something they say I'm wicked thirsty Oh yeah thirst no you say I think what is it about other people If somebody's like really crush on someone

Oh that man that lady's thirsty Oh is that what it is? What a fucking weird thing How would you ever tell someone that you need a drink? I find it delightful and hilarious Someone's someone gotten quenched Oh this episode I apologize in advance

Don't write an email because you know what, I'm sorry. But you know, please write an email. If this if this happened to you? No, no, answer the following questions. This is all I want to know. ASL. Send it in. I'm curious. It's a, it's a census. Let's call. Next week on

We Hate Movies. Eric Siska goes to jail. So, so she gets this advice and it's like you need, he needs to be in counseling. Like, you got to nip this in the bud before it gets worse because, oh, Has he escalated to bondage costumes yet?

Next thing you know it's going to be a horse. It's not, that's not exactly. She's going to be running with a bucket of port away from the federal house. That's the next step. That's the end of all of this. But that's what this movie would have you believe is like that sexuality is this like, it's a demon. It's exactly, it's a rabbit hole.

And once you go down, then you're into those bonded. Very specific people are into that and that's fine. It's like saying weed leads a media. to heroin. Exactly. People are going to do it or they're not going to do it. People got their predilections and it's fine and fucking go for it. Face first, man.

That's what I say. And the thing is, the movie doesn't tell you whether or not what this kid's into it. No. He ruins his relationship with football jock over latex bondage. Right. The website. Which comes up again later because they're hassling him and it's like, he says it like, hey kid, you're

warped, man. I'm still getting all that weird twisted spam because of You looking at that on my computer. Yeah, this dude's computer was instantly ruined by this one-click to a website. No. It's like, you know what, football, jock, I saw your attitude at that family party. Yeah. You did just as much damage, if not more, to that computer guarantee.

That's sort of a, he printed it out. Yeah, that is a he printed it out. Dude, yeah, fucking, I'm going to call him Jeremy again. Fucking Justin came over and he totally typed in all this weird stuff on my computer and now it's fucked up. Because cool dad probably tried to. to log on to AOL, see what his old college buddies are talking about. What is this? I thought

I was logging on to ESPN Classic. Oh, man, Justin made me a FetLife profile. What a dick. I mean, he's updating it actively. What an asshole. He did have the good sense to put up a pretty sharp picture of me though, I must say.

But it's that Justin, man, let's go beat him up. Yeah, so they give him that hassle and that's the first time like things are getting physical by the way through this entire thing he is online chatting like cam chatting and whatever with this monica yeah and that i mean that is the true cyber seduction yeah yes yes that's true yeah that's probably it that is if there is a through line to this movie that's what it is it's his relationship with her and like you don't really see her part of it it's just him being like hey what are you doing right now and here's the thing that

does i think your last photo look really really sexy Oh, I've been looking at pornography for months, but I don't know how to masturbate yet. That's really weird because you're an 80-year-old man. Or is this Benjamin Button? I'm going through puberty at 75. It's weird. I guess I'll sleep with this Russian woman on a boat. It's kind of sexy to turn the century way.

But the thing that just like blew my mind. mind about this is like it's not like she is some chick in the ukraine or whatever yeah they live in the same fucking town just go fucking fool around exactly she's into you clearly she's in you personally it's not like you have to like cyber seduce this woman just go ask for a goddamn number well they they meet up at friendlies right dude but this is not friendlies they shot it at friendlies it it kind of looks like it's supposed to be a shittier more rundown version of the bronze from buffy yes It's just a disgusting place that looks like a bar, but younger kids are hanging out at it. Oh, it's like, you know, they got soda jerks there.

Well, it's weird because, I mean, this kid, she's like drinks. She does like a hand thing, like drinks. And he goes to a bar. And it's a bar with liquor bottles on the back shelf. And he's like, two sodas, please. And this like big biker bartender is just like, you got it. Not like a, didn't you mean two beers? It's like, sodas, no problem.

I think I lost his liquor license so many times. He's like, you know what? We're a soda factory. Lou, give me a milk. Chocolate. So, and like, this is a moment where he sits down with her and she like kind of flirts with, totally flirting with him. I'm like, this is the 11th hour. Like, it's go time right now. Like, she's like, we're finally meeting in person. IRL, by the way. IRL. She's like, you don't, you want, look, she's like, hey, you want to go back to my house? And he's my parents aren't home. Oh, I can't. Because, oh, I'm grounded. I told my mom I'd be home by nine. I'm supposed to be studying. And she's like, are you sure because inner chords? Why does pornography make me talk this way? Pornography killed my vocal cords. Oh, the blood is in my crotch.

Oh, man, it's like those anti-cigarette ads. It's like that guy with the voice box. I'm 23 years old Turns out doesn't make you blind Makes you can't talk I don't have hairy palms My throat's closing So she's like

Oh okay that's a bummer But I we should totally do this some other time And you're like yeah All right, all right It's an annoying thing where he limps out of the bar she's like wow what a weird affliction I wish you would just like masturbate

don't get rid of most of those problems they do a thing that I don't like when movies do because normal people don't do this is he just immediately stands up without even touching that soda I'm like you're taking a fucking sip of that soda you don't have to finish it but I know you're taking a sip of that soda

paid like at least three dollars probably for that soda. But it's also one of those hilarious like movie slash TV interactions or it's like, hey, meet here. And the meeting takes place under four minutes. And it's like, oh, yeah. Like, because it couldn't have been longer.

It's not movie time. You know what I mean? Like they only said these things to each other. Doing all the way across town for four minutes. This reminded me, by the way, have you guys, and you may have, because you guys watch your fair share of shit MTV reality shows. Oh, yeah.

Have you ever seen the true life I'm addicted to pornography? Oh yeah, it's a great one. I don't think so. I mean, I've seen it through the new Beavis and Butthead where they watched it. Okay, yeah, yeah, then that's what I did too. It's this kid just like, not a kid, he's like a guy.

He's a dude who should not be living at home. And he's like sitting on the couch, just looking at pornography. And his grandparents are just like right there. And everybody knows that he's addicted to porn. And it's just like, this is an actual old person. Like, yep, he's just looking at it. He doesn't stop looking at it. He calls himself swimmer.

It's fucking creepy. This is the future of this kid. This is where he's going. If he doesn't find the Lord. This is where you guys have a point that you might just be watching because apparently this guy on MTV is not. Doing it either. Yeah, why, you know, in front of his grandparents.

Yeah. He just needs it in, in his. face all the time. The funny thing is at this point mom gets a good idea. She's like, you know what? Let's put the computer in the fucking family room. That's where it's going.

Good night, everybody. The computer's in the family room. And you know what, though? It's a little bit of a too little too late situation because if he's already looking at it in the swimming competition room Yeah. It's not a court. I don't know

at the pool. Yeah. He's looking at it at the pool, he's fine with looking at it in the living room. Yes. Right. But now he's like going to the public library to do it instead. He goes to this, that's the final straw. He goes first to this weird hardware store. Oh my God. Yeah, I think that's supposed to be like one of those creepy internet cafes. It's gross. He definitely goes to the wrong side of town. There's a wrong side of town montage. There absolutely is.

It's like you hear a train pass by signifying tracks and it's a lot of This is actually kind of how his father would have bought pornography back in the day. Like how a normal person buys it. You got to go to one of those liquor stores that'll also cash a check for you. Yeah. Can I give everyone a tip for any gentle listener coming to the New York City area? Yeah. If you ever like, you know, you're in the, let's say you're in the Times Square area and you're like, hey man, we want to get a quick dinner. We don't

want McDonald's. Oh, cool. There is a deli here. And it's got sandwiches and it's got pizza. And it's got hot plates of other stuff, which tons and tons of businesses do. Never ever go to the seating area of that deli. Not for a second. Not even if your kid needs to sit down if they're taking too long to make the food. It's usually upstairs. This happened to me once. I went upstairs. I've sat at these things a couple times. You're either getting one of two things. A bunch of marginally homeless people drinking lots of tall boys because you're allowed to weirdly drink in them. Yes. And being loud and uncomfortable or

this time a bunch of weird dudes trading pornography in the open dude you saw you encountered that I was trying to eat a sandwich I had a tray and like a sandwich and chips take that trashed 8th Avenue

buddy it's right there but like they were just like trading DVDs like four or six guys all just four or six guys they were taking up the corner of this establishment. Oh, my God.

Was this on top of also simultaneous marginally homeless people? Oh, yeah, they were definitely not. What a packed deli. These guys are probably dangerous because they probably can't afford the internet. Like, what's going on here?

Yeah, exactly. In this hardware store, he makes, this is kind of like the crux of the end of the movie. Yes. He makes plans to go out with Monica to meet her at her house, finally.

And she's totally into it. So I think even at this point, A very easy schedule, a scheduled appointment is made. And I believe he is, A, super grounded because of all the shit that's been going on. And B, he's already broken up with his girlfriend because she's caught all the stuff on the PDA. Oh, yeah. She flips out. She finds all that nasty stuff.

Calls him out right in front of the entire swim team. Oh, man, that sucks. Oh, it is. And he does the old. He looks at it and is just like, I don't know how this got there. And she's like, fucking really. Look at me. It's either you, my mom, or my dog, and I don't, I'm thinking you, your mouth gaped ass face.

But what's amazing is she is so, like, disgusted and upset about this that she's acting. She's like, you allowed this into my life, like all this stuff. Like, he fucking messed with a Ouija board and got a poltergeist to haunt her house. Dude, it fucking follows, all right? That's what she's dealing with. Is this before or after he gets caught looking at pornography in the school library? This is almost contemporaneous I think it happens right after

This kid's having a bad day It's all full This house of cards That you built on sand Is falling down Because the fucking computer's in the family room now It's all over Man

Mom did her master stroke Yeah so he's got to pretend That he's studying or writing a history paper It was one of these things where I was like Man high school kids have a lot of work to do Because it was always like I'm studying for this science test We got to run math drills

I got to write this history paper. I was like, Jesus Christ. When are you playing Mario Card? When do you have time to look at all this pornography? Yeah, but when are you playing Mario Card? That's a real question. You got to squeeze in a couple hours of that a week. How many Dorito bags you get in?

What, zero? You're telling me you're not watching any cheesy movies this whole time? This is in great shape. So he, well, he meets up Monica, right? At her house. Yes. And she's like, hey, man, you know, you want something to drink. And he's like, wow, you got a really nice house.

She's like, why do you think I live with like some like hillbilly shack? And he's like, kind of. Yeah, well, you know, you kind of try to make money on the internet or whatever. And then she's just like, I was just fucking with you. And then she's immediately like, get on the bed. Let's ball. You know what it is? She takes him.

She takes a what? You want a ball with me? Oh, I got to go. I'm so tired. Well, the funny thing is, speaking of old people, she brings him into this bedroom. Yes. There's noticeably pictures of old people all over it.

It's like clearly like her grandmothers. Yeah. And he's like, uh, maybe we should go to your room. And she's like, no, this is where this needs to happen. Yeah, well, I got the camera setup is all right here. Yeah. You notice from the cam videos, it's the same bed. Oh, I didn't need to put that.

Continuity is kept. Oh, she was planning on like. leaking the footage It's entirely possible It was going to be live streamed Like American Pie Which like that fucking technology Worked that well in 1997 movie

Okay Sexy hijinks American Pie I don't know if those movies might be Stay tuned Oh yeah The whole goddamn rock A lot of them terrible

Yeah But They start making out And he's like Yeah okay And then she's like She goes for his pants He's like

Oh let's go a little slower And she's like, we've got it all day and starts taking her shirt off. And he's like, this isn't what I thought. Oh, do moving fast. I didn't know you were going to touch me. I'm trying to buying a guy and egg cream first. Maybe a malted.

You got the history channel on this? You got my, I got to go, my program starting. I thought we'd at least go on the porch and play some canada. Let's look at birds. I think I saw a red Justin Robin. So she gets offended that he's not ready to go. Well, here's my thing. What is the movie telling me?

Not what's actually happening. What is the movie telling me? Because I'm not sure. Is it that he won't have sex with her? A, because he doesn't know how to because he's so sexually warped by the internet. Maybe. Or B, like, oh, I thought I was attracted to this girl, but she's kind of trash. Or is C.

I don't think it's B. All right. This movie wants us. girl to be trash. Oh, it does. Make no mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or see, is it like, oh, I think I really love my real girlfriend because we had, like, such a connection. And now I'm betraying that.

Like, is it guilt? I don't know what it is. I think he just, he chickens out. I mean, I think he's only got stereotypes in his life to choose from me. You've got the slutty, trashy girl, and then you got the innocent, religious, crazy, you know. Yeah. And then his mother is an overbearing, you know. I feel like this is, this movie is pretty bad.

towards women. I think it's, yeah. Well, yeah. Big surprise. I mean, it's maybe just as bad as pornography. She gets into a freak outrage because he doesn't have sex

with her, right? And she starts hitting her. Get the fuck out of her! It's just, oh man, she loses it. She turns into Sharon Stone from casino like that. Yeah. She blows a biscuit.

James Woods is smoking a cigarette in the back. Like, didn't do it, huh? And she freaks out so much Like she's staring in the mirror Because she's so warped by pornography herself Right, because she's a producer Yeah, I mean, because no one who ever does that That stuff's ever right in the head

Yep No, it's not normal to ever think of that So she smashes her face against the counter Like as hard as she can It's twisted shit She had screamed this guy out Made a whole production of it Sure

And it's all ployed Just to rough herself up to then blame him as a, like, this is what he did to me. But the way they do it and film it in this movie and the folly work. It's chilling. It's something out of a fucking twisted horror movie. Like she has this dead stare into the mirror. And then she just very rapidly just smashes her face repeatedly against this counter.

And that looks up like mankind. Yeah. And then she's just like laughing. And it just cuts it. You're like, wow, that's going to come back in some way. Yeah. And then the next day, he's like, like, oh, I still like pornography, but

I'm super grounded. I could go to the library, I guess. And he hacks the library computer. Like, whatever. This library doesn't even have fucking pods. I mean, this is a desk in front of God and everybody. He gets caught.

Yeah. Immediately, obviously. Brought into the principal's office. Parents come down. I mean, it's just, and it's exactly what you think it is. Like, your kid needs professional help, blah, blah, blah. Here's some therapists for your crazy whack job and the dad is like oh thanks we got it and Kelly Lynch is like I'm just going to take that list of doctors it's like every lifetime movie um I really appreciate that pamphlet

yeah I'll take the pamphlet yeah because you want you need pamphlets in your life you do and it's all this bottoming out too after that like it's all all of this is around like the head smash the library it's all happening the credit cards oh my god because after that like he's like I still need it I need it well he says it makes this big thing he has a blow up thing because they're like they're walking out of the school and they're like

what did you do you little jerk I was looking to pornography is that what you want to hear? I think well yeah and they're like well you're a dick he's like no I can stop I can totally stop I'm like all right you know when you know

this is your last chance kid yeah and that night that night he starts using his mom's credit card and it's. Holy Toledo. What is this about? How dumb is this kid? But this is what's amazing. It's not just like buy access to a website and surf it up. It's by access to several websites at once. It's madness what's happening here. He goes through like five websites. You see him enter that credit card information five times. You think he's copying and pasting because that's a bad situation to be in? Yep, I think so. He's just going. He's just going. and whatever's at his fingertips, man. The internet is endless. Now, their phone's blowing up with the bank,

all these weird charges, and she's freaking out. She can't get the computer to work. It's full of malware. And she's already had to fucking cancel her romantic, actual, fulfilling relationship vacation because of Jack Tober

that's going on in her house. You know, the parents are yelling at him and, you know, justified, and now he runs out of the house like, fuck you guys. Dude, after that very frustrated father ruffs him up a little bit. Oh, you want to hit me, dad? You want to hit me, dad? Go on. Hit me. Hit me. And I was like, whoa. And even Kelly Lynch is like, she gets between the two of them.

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this isn't that movie. Well, I'm kind of curious. Like, the thing that they don't say is what's the, what's the damage? What are we talking to here? $180.000. I need a dollar amount. I need a dollar amount. The way this, I feel like it's 50 bucks in this family is like, that's ruined us. Now you can't even have some college. our credit was teetering on that thin of the line and you've ruined us and then he goes outside and he's immediately kidnapped dude these dudes beat the shit out of it well that's because he he kind of gains his mom's trust right so he's like mom you drive me over to ashley's house i want to try and make make up with her yeah amy actually amy and he Jeremy and Ashley's the separate is our own movie it's sexier um i like it better she she's she meets him on this dude Mom drives away, and he's like, can I come in?

She's like, yeah, no. Yeah, this is over. I'm a nice Christian person, so I'll give you hope that we can maybe be friends after you get your shit straight. But make no mistake, this is over. I'm going to always judge you, by the way. Yeah, it's over except for, you know, I was thinking about coming to church with you. Oh, okay. Yeah, that would be fine.

I'm never going to be your girlfriend again, though. And also, I mean, I'm sorry, but your high school cue is gone to shit this entire movie. You were the All-State, you know, swim god. Now you're that guy that jerks off on the swim team. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you're the guy. You're the serial masturbator. Oh, yeah.

Here's the thing. That story is spreading out of the library from looking at pornography to jerking off. Oh, guess what? Very quickly. Time to go to a college across the country and start over. Oh, you're fresh. You're going to start preferring to be called by your middle name. Yeah.

Oh, it's actually Ricky now. I'm going by Jeremy. Justin Jeremy Every day he goes into school There's like hand moisturiser in his locker Come on guys, not funny Dude and he's only a sophomore Yeah that's a long that's a long road

Yep you know what maybe you should start going to church Go to a fucking Catholic school Get out of there High school years It was like dog years or something It's like seven years a year That's what it's like right That's what it felt like

You get caught with pornography in the library you're fucked. Yeah, you're finished. You're finished. You know, you might as well expel me. Please expel me. So the last like three minutes of the movie to wrap this up is they all the rest of the jock bullies corner him. They do kidnap him to Eric's point.

You can take him to an alley because it's like, look who's again, I think they kind of have the walkie talkies out. They're like, he's coming down the street, you know who. And they're like, let's roll. And like, Biff and his gang get out there. Because they're at the diner wherever. She's got the head gas, she's told him the whole story. So they beat the shit out of him in this alley. Doing a lot of Robert De Niro kicks just really about to kill this kid.

Yeah, it's kind of go get your shine box. Football junk's like, hey man, don't go psycho on him because I think the guys want to pull a blade out. Oh, yeah, dude. They were going to kill this kid, no doubt about it. Nobody wants a murder beef. And he's like left huddled and bloody in the alleyway. And I was expected Boo Radley to carry him home. it's kind of a similar thing it kind of is the whole town's definitely gonna turn on the whole town's turned on them some some crazy white ladies making up all sorts of creepy stories so he for some reason like limps to the pool yes and that's he falls in and this is all just such horseshit he falls in and this is we're back at the beginning we're back at the you know the house pool you know wonder how i got in this pool yeah alma desmond yeah what the weird

thing about high school pools and movies is nobody ever locks them. That's the one thing you want to lock. You don't get any dead fucking kids. You'd wake up to every week. Dude, my high school's pool, it was fucking locked, man. Of course it was.

You know what my high school's pool? Didn't exist. But by the way, it follows also climaxes in a high school pool. At least you see them breaking in, but yes. Bud the Chud. But the Chud also climax is the same way. Let Threat went in. Mm-hmm.

And so these high schools are going to unlock these things. But I mean, especially in horror movies and Lifetime movies, apparently. But it was in Czechoslovakia, so maybe it was a little different thing, like a public. It was a public municipality, I guess. You're allowed to give it. Yeah, they got that socialism. Everyone can go swimming. So while he's in the pool, he, like, flashes back to all the good times before he was addicted to pornography.

Because he's trying to kill himself. Yes. He's now, he's been beaten. He's credit is for shit. Yep. And he's going to commit suicide because he jerked. off too much. Yep. But then and there's no explanation for

it. He thinks about these things like his dying wish or whatever, dying thoughts. And then he just jumps back out of the water and like he starts swinging his hair around. He's becoming Strokeman, the good version. Strokeman was the hero and swimmer was the villain. Yeah.

Two sides of the same coin. Hey, stroke, buddy, you still fucking saco! I mean, there's no redemption for this kid. And that's this movie doesn't acknowledge that he just swims out of the pool like yeah freeze frame yeah he's this is implying he's free of his addiction he's hitting he's hit such a rock bottom yep that it was the bottom of a pool well i think he realizes like he's all the things that he looks at are

things that are happened in the first three minutes of the movie like oh man before pornography sucked my soul out i was a pretty good kid yeah also we we didn't mention it but there was one part in this movie where he leers at his mother in the Oh, right. Like, he's so addicted to pornography. That's how I read that scene, too, right? I think you're supposed to, right? Because, like, he's just watching.

His mom swims in the high school pool because they never... Kelly Lynch, his mom, Kelly Lynch. Listen, I'm younger than Kelly Lynch. I'd be hard pressed to go into a high school pool. Why would anyone go to a high school pool? Oh, you were saying, why is Kelly Lynch swimming? Why would an adult go in the high school? Well, because she's such a legend.

I think it's a thing where she's got like a black card to that pool. Like she can use it whenever the fuck she wants. She's a record holder at that high school. Dive Team 79. Well, exactly. He says in the beginning of the movie, like, oh, they're going to put my plaque next to Bob's on the wall. Yeah, this is a family of swim heroes. That is sad.

And also, when, through this movie towards the end, I'm like, she was like, you know, talking to the husband at one point, like about pornography and stuff and about that failed marriage. And like, you're looking at that stuff because they're younger than me? Right. I'm like instantly, oh, so that's what this movie's about. Yeah. Because you're getting older and you feel so insecure because of pornography exists. He fucking nails it, though. He's like, nope, I got my fantasy right here.

Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, you kind of do because you got Kelly Lynch, dude. Like what would have it? Also good line. So we cut to a Kelly Lynch PSA, by the way, where she's just like the internet. is dangerous. With cyber seduction spelled wrong. Oh, it's spelled wrong?

It's written as one word. Oh, that's embarrassing lifetime. You made this great film and you fucked up the titles. She's in a library or something, you know, just rapping about. I think it's the scene of the crime. She's picking up forensic evidence. She filmed it while she was guesting on an SVU. Man, by the end of senior year,

year the word fleshlight is going around that school about that kid, right? Because it keeps escalating the story. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your fleshlight, the fleshlight in the library. Look, it's Bobby Blow Up doll. Yeah, that story will go nuclear, man. Don't

fucking worry about it. Yeah, you're your, your, his life is over. Honestly, you're, this kid's I mean, he didn't kill himself that day. Yeah. But he's going to. The janitor's like, I hear you look at like, look at little kids you fuck wild. I'm like, no, what? When did that happen?

No, that's what they say about you. Oh, yeah. I was trying to indoctrinate you. Oh, yeah, you beat your addiction. Well, I better run from the Fraterallis with this fucking bag of porno. It's a bucket. It's an honest-to-goodness bucket. DVDs spilling out the sides like Mickey Mouse carrying the water.

And that's animal stuff, huh? Oh, yeah, man. Yikes. Hours of it. So because this isn't full on YouTube, would anybody recommend cyber seduction, his secret life? It's a fun one. It's one of the more fun lifetime. I mean, to Eric's point, you could watch yourself.

You can have yourself a whole day on Lifetime movie. Oh, absolutely. And you know, they are mostly on YouTube. Well, I think you should seek them out legally. Of course. Yeah, you know, wherever Lifetime Movie Network. I think it's on DVD. You should buy the TV. Support Lifetime

Movie Network. My Roku has some sort of weird little lifetime movie. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, it's only got like six and they're not the good ones. You know, also, if you got the big cable package, look at the back of the dial, find that lifetime movie network, L.M. Yeah, man. Yeah, I would recommend it. I, obviously, I recommend it. Six years later. Six years in the making, you can find you recommend it. I'm actually saying, it's worth putting cold hard cash down. Yeah, I totally recommend this movie,

man. I don't watch these movies a lot because it annoys me how bad they are and they're all kind of the same. But this one is a little bit outside the box for lifetime, much like Invisible Child is outside the box for lifetime. Hey, driller, someone's pissing on your car. That's cyber seduction, his secret life, directed

by Jason Lives Director Tom McLaughlin. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website WHModcast.com or go to sideshownetwork.tv. Like our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter at WHM Podcast. The cops were asking about you. Right into the mailbag.

We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. If you have seen this Lifetime movie, or other, recommend some crazy Lifetime movie. And also, ASL. Yes, please ASL. ASL. Clue for next week's episode. Jim Carrey.

Oh, there's a lot to pick from there. Yeah, that's absolutely right. That's a deep filmography. He's made a couple of movies that Jim Carrey. So thank you to Andrew from calling in all the way down in Florida and requesting this weird one. Until next week with James Carey. I'm Andrew Juppen.

Eric Cisker. Stephen Seda. Take it easy.