We Hate Movies - S6 Ep217: The Dead Pool

Episode Date: September 22, 2015

On this week's episode, Listener Request Month rolls on as the gang takes a trip to foggy San Francisco for a ride along with Dirty Harry Callahan in the super silly, super murder-y The Dead Pool! What's with the useless C-grade mafia story line? Has there ever been another instance of a ponytail being used as a red herring? And were they really trying to tell us that Johnny Squares wrote "Welcome to the Jungle" and sang exactly like Axl Rose? PLUS: Dirty Harry fights zombies, joking robots and negligent salad bar attendants! The Dead Pool stars Clint Eastwood, Patricia Clarkson, Liam Neeson, Evan C. Kim, David Hunt and James Carrey; directed by Buddy Van Horn. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey gang, just in time for the Halloween season. We're happy to report. We will be back at the Jacob Burns Film Center for the overnight Halloween marathon Friday, October 23rd. We will be doing a live riff of one of the absolute worst Friday the 13th movies. It's part eight. Jason takes Manhattan. Ooh. Yeah, it's a big wolf.

I timed it when I rewatched it the other day, 63 minutes until those fuckers get to New York City. Wow. I was all that time to drag the goddamn boat out of it. the lake and across into some sort of waterway where you could get to fucking Liberty Harbor. I'm, we'll get into it when we do the live commentary, which will be super exciting and everyone should

really go see it. But why are they high school graduates? Are they high school students? What's going on? It's graduates. It's like the senior trip. Okay. For graduation. What a bad idea, by the way. Oh, a trip to New York? Just on a boat. You get a bunch of horny teenagers on a boat. People will be fucking

and suck until the sun comes out. Oh, absolutely. sick on a boat, for sure. No, but they have their own quarters and everything. Yeah, big mistake. Yeah, no, you're asking for it. And I think there's only three adults. Yeah, three adults chaperoning the supposed entire senior class.

Oh, it's a wild ride. It's also, there is a moment in this movie where you can tell it's totally the 80s because they've replaced the smoking grass days of those earlier movies with just hard fucking cocaine. That's right, man. It's just like

all of a sudden Jason's running around and it's like, oh my God, quick, let's do some blow. So we will be on hand to kick off this marathon. Lots of great horror movies involved in the lineup that admittedly I did program. Hoping to get a couple of preview screenings in. We'll see what happens. But it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be overnight. There's going to be food, a costume contest, beer from Captain Lawrence Brewing.

Ooh. Yeah. And in case you didn't know that Chris Cabell was actually murdered last time. So I don't know which one of this is going to get at this time. You know, I heard the Burns Film Center is haunted. Oh, it might be haunted. A haunted by the ghost of Chris Cabin? He never made it out of our Halloween 3 commentary from last year.

There's always a specter by the concession stand. Go to burnsfilmcenter.org. That's B-U-R-N-S-F-I-L-M-C-E-N-T-E-R.org for tickets. This October, the 23rd, it's a Friday night. We will be there live commentary. Friday the 13th, Part 8. Jason takes Manhattan. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Sadegh. Eric Siskin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. This is the second week, third week. Third week, man. That time's already flying by.

Of our listener request month, this episode comes to us from Charles in Minnesota, who had this to say. Hey, guys, this is Charles from Richfield, Minnesota, and I'm, want to recommend The Deadpool. It's the last movie of the Dirty Harry franchise. It has Jim Carrey as a strung-out rock star, Leon Neeson as a B-movie art producer, Guns and Roses extras, Killer RC Cars, and of course, Clint Eastwood is Derry-Hurry. What's not to like? So that's my recommendation, and I hope you appreciate it. Bye. So here we go. It's the Deadpool from 1988, directed by a guy hilariously named Buddy Van Horn. Up front, I want to say this about it.

this movie. He kills 11 people, one of which he shoots in the back. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. There are so many moments in this movie where it's like, you know, you could just arrest them. Yes. He disarms people, and then he's just like,

now that nobody's looking, I'm going to murder you. Well, he's, especially the ending. He is very Jason Voorhees. He really is. Speaking of a fucking Pride of the 13. Exactly. Jason Voorhees in a sweater vest. Jason takes downtown San Francisco. Oh, my mother dropped me in a lake when I was young.

Those campers weren't watching. Then I had to start taking out the trash. Those campers are also slinging weed as far as I can tell, a.k.a. getting the death penalty. My blood's boiling over this one. These lousy campers. Yeah, he's like, he's sort of like a, Judge Dredd.

Yes. Oh, he's the law in San Francisco. Do not worry about it. And his captain, who's the, you know, your standard beleaguered captain. Who this guy has received a promotion. He's in other movies. Oh, yeah. I guess, uh, word of warning.

I've never seen a dirty Harry movie other than this one. So I might not know whatever that. If there were references to the other ones. There's not like a lot of callbacks. It's mainly that guy. Uh, as far as I can tell. So it's fine. Eric, what's your, have you seen him on?

First and last. a nice little sandwich. A couple of those sequels are pretty good. Sudden Impact, not bad. But actually, I bought a four-pack of the Dirty Harry movies like months ago planning to watch it. And then you were like, oh, the Deadpool was called in. We should totally do it.

I was like, awesome. I got that at home. And then I realized it was the fifth movie and had to go, like, scramble 11th hour to figure out of it. You know, I'm looking forward to one day having a nice little dad day, you know, watch your dirty hairy movies. have a sip of beer.

Oh, yeah, it's pretty great. Oh, yeah, you've got to restame that thing. I did that a couple of years ago because I got this series on a Blu-ray box set for Christmas one time. Oh, you got all five, huh? I do have all five of them in one location. And one night I sat down and I watched the first three

like in a row just sipping back on some Springsteins. Like, it was a real American red steak evening. It wasn't half bad. But this is the first. fifth movie man this is five years after the previous one and i believe 17 years after that original dirty harry it's weird because it feels like a tv movie like it feels like murder she wrote the movie or diagnosis murder the movie you know then they would do those you know well because this is also like it's a weird like there's a serial killer going around and we're seeing him do the murders

much like a horror movie yeah but it because of that it gives it that shitty like movie of the week feel and also it doesn't help that like these the land of the movie like these murders are all taking place in and around the set of a shitty horror movie because this makes it feel like dirty Harry meets scream three is what we're like I gotta go on the set of stab the movie it's like when Flintstones met the Jetsons yeah totally where's our Jay and Silent Bob cameo oh no Oh, my new partner is that incompetent nitwit Dewey. He's always bumbling around.

He's got a pension for getting stabbed in the back. This is the only movie of its kind, I can recall, where one of the red herrings is a gross ponytail. Right, right. Because we start off this movie with like, it's clearly a lunatic, like in an apartment he's got a bunch of clippings of things all over the walls and whatnot he's watching the news he's writing angry letters like the whole thing and you see the dude like looking out over the bay or you know wherever he's looking and you just see like in highlight this gross ponytail and it's like okay viewers recall that ponytail when it comes up later in the movie that was the guy writing these letters it's also a little ponytail it's like you it because lea you know, Liam Neeson is, right.

These people have like, these two guys that have this ponytail. Yes. They have short hair and then they have that ponytail. But I don't think it's really a rat tail. I think it's like a mullet that you tie up. It's entirely possible because it is, it's too big to be a rat tail because it's about as thick as a garden home.

But when you say ponytail, I think of a bigger tail than what this guy. has, but it's not small enough to be that rat tail. You're right. I think it's just a tied back mullet, which is disgusting. It's, um, I guess maybe it's a dog tail, kind of. Yeah, I think, yeah, K-9 for sure. It does look like something that could be hanging off the back of a golden retriever. But it's like really, obviously it's both, they both clipped it on. You know what mean? They both have like normal haircuts and they just kind of clipped a hair extension on the like those Padawan braids. Oh, God. Were those fake? Yeah. They have to be. They clipped them on. No one's wearing a hat.

Like a red belt or something in martial arts. Oh, no, I mean, I think it's in the mythos, it's real. Like, Obi-Wan had it, but Eul McGregor said, go fuck yourself. Yeah. What a bad design choice, that rat tail in those prequels. There's a lot of bad design choices in those prequels. Because it's a top knot, which is like fine and like, oh, wow, Jeddies are like samurai, Georgia, because we get it.

And then you get that rat tail going, too. It's like two ponytails. Yeah. And you know what, a samurai wouldn't have a fucking disgusting rat tail. No. So then, you know, after this whole, like, I'm writing letters to the post office or whatever's going on, we meet up with, you know, Harry Callahan. You know, he's just driving down the street. His first line in this movie is, get off my ass.

Yep. And that sets up, like, all you need to know. Like, he's officially an old curmudgeony man. I just wish it was him driving this entire movie. Like that movie Locke, and he's like, oh, what is this guy doing? That movie Locke would be much more interesting if he was just like a surly police detective getting followed by the mafia. This guy can't even merge, Ray. Better kill him.

Way to use your turn signal, you dangerous driver. Oh, obviously it was a woman. Obviously. And he's like slamming the steering wheel. That turning signals turn into your own grave. I'm killing bad drivers now Because I'm medically insane So yeah

It's a mafia hit The movie is starting out with a mafia hit Because we've learned that Apparently Harry Callahan has put away Some big mob muckety muck named Gennaro Yep generic Gennaro San Gennaro

It's an Ingenero feast This is the guy that started it Well yeah So Harry Callahan testified against this guy got you know put him away for life or whatever it is harry calvin didn't kill somebody so congratulations on that yeah that's the one you don't get in a movie when he's just doing like actual police work and not semi-vigilante rampages that's what's happening between the movies yeah he's just acting like a normal cop oh no the cameras are on me better start killing like he doesn't even

carry around that big magnum gun right until the cameras are rolling oh the cameras are on Better come out of retirement, Lucille. Oh, the cameras are off. Better kill this paperwork. Takes out the biggest pen you've ever seen. Oh, it's called the Bick Magnum. Which actually, that's funny. Four different colors in it.

The murderer at the beginning of this movie, when we get the information about Callahan testifying, and this guy's like, oh, okay, I'll add Harry Callahan to my two. kill list. He's got like this gold pen. It's the nicest pen I've ever seen in my life. It's clearly a gift. It's not

something you would splurge for yourself. Well, dude, if you are making like your ultimate two kill list, you're going to use a nice pen. He's using yellow legal paper, which like I could take a leave, but that pen is gorgeous and he whipped it out for just such an occasion. So he gets run off the

road by these mafiosos and they do the same thing that all the mafiosos do is wildly shoot with machine guns and not aim they're like stormtroopers yes I thought the exact same thing it's like they're just shooting every part of his car where he isn't it's a good thing

that I've got all the metaclorians they can't shoot a Skywalker my blood's full of this space cancer Darth Vader's my uncle so he flips this car and this this one mafioso like gets up on top

of it to like rain bullets down into the car and of course Callahan with the headshot and here comes some of the most inappropriate music you'll ever hear because you see the back of this dude's head blow out and it's just like but but bupah but da because it's like this it's also like to work wistful hero music mixed with like 80s electronic beats the music in this movie is all over the fucking place because it's like all of that weird 80s sounding music and then because it's a Clint Eastwood movie you've got just a little bit of jazz

trumpet flown in here and there it's so all over the place. Do you think that was an Eastwood call? Like if I'm going to be part of this project you better pepper it up Oh probably. Like a little trumpet dude this is a Malpaso production man he's got money in this. That was

my question actually is this is it possible that this movie was written not as a dirty hairy and it turned into it over the course of it. Oh, that could be. There's nothing on the internet inferring that, but it just sort of feels that way because it's like, anybody could be, it doesn't feel, I don't know what it's diehard syndrome. Yeah, it's just like, oh, and then he runs afoul.

It's like, this could be a regular detective in any situation. Because of the whole, like, there's a serial killer whose identity is hidden and the weird horror movie angle, like, would not really surprise me at all, that they were just like, oh, this could work as a Harry Callahan thing. Like there was, I forget what these specifics were, but this was one of those movies where it was like Eastwood wanted to make X. And they were like, okay, we'll help you out. Warner Brothers was like, we'll help you out with that.

You want to make a dirty Harry movie? That'll probably raise your chances of making this other thing. Fine. Looks like you're coming out of retirement, Lucille. Anything for the bridges of Madison County. So then we cut to. the chief's office which is one of the cheapest sets you'll ever see

like we're doing a lot of on location filming in San Francisco which is actually it's kind of funny because the city of San Francisco was like another fucking dirty Harry movie because they were tired of these movies like making it seem like San Francisco was this like crazy crime-fueled

wasteland and it was just like yeah that's right you'll take the permit money though I mean this is the beginning of a new character who comes to nothing. A lot of things. A lot of plots just trail off. And this one guy is like, hey, I'm the new lieutenant. I want you to work in public relations for some reason

because Gennaro's got a hit out on Dirty Harry and the whole city knows about it. So he's like, hey, you know, you do a lot of work if you sit behind a desk and, you know, that's what I want to see is Dirty Harry, the Paper Pusher, Dirty Harry going on daytime TV. Right, because he's like a celebrity at this point since he's been a known murderer for a long time. Well, I believe even as early on as like that first movie, he's kind of like a celebrity, like a known local celebrity.

He's a goddamn hero cop. Well, because in that first movie, he's basically going after a version of the Zodiac killer. Yeah. The Scorpio killer. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, you know, it's literally the same thing like this dude's writing fucking letters in the newspaper and whatever. And yeah, he's heightened to like local celebrity. It's really ripped from the head.

lines right that first movie oh but yeah definitely it's like this close to a true story they should reboot this series for television that'd be great it would be pretty cool actually like a murder of the week well i think they well murder the week is law and order right but with harry calvin yeah then he does another murder in the episode so it's like double yeah um they kind of have that with that the hell is that David Du Coveney program Oh the one that With like the man

Aquarius yeah Did anyone watch that? I watched like half of it And it's annoying because Is he killing people? No But the whole like David DuCovny As this detective stuff is really awesome

And it's a lot of like Social issue stuff That was going on in the 60s And then you just have this dog shit Charles Manson performance From this dude who's like terrible And he's actually playing Manson? He's playing Manson.

And it's like, it's one of those things where it's like fiction writing up alongside history kind of a thing. It's interesting to do a TV show set in the 60s. That's, you know, that's pretty cool. Dude, I saw somebody like when this Aquarius came out that referred to it as like the sister show to Mad Men. And I was like, that TV writer should be fired. These are, there's actual madmen. Charlie Manson Now that's a madman

I don't know about Don Draper But Charlie Manson Well he was a real madloon So it turns out That Eastwood, Dirty Harry Is once again Getting sidled with a new partner

That happens in pretty much every sequel And we're getting a little self-referential here Where he's like, well, he's my partner So I end up dead It's like, oh, okay. Yeah, oh, all right. And here comes, I believe his name is Al Kwan. Yep.

This guy who it's your classic case of like real life martial artist being in a movie, which means he's terrible. And this guy's terrible at acting. Martial arts pretty great. But this is like comic relief territory, this guy. But it's also, I didn't know he's a martial artist. And I just thought he was like a nice affable, you know, Asian American actor. And then all of a sudden, the middle.

I'm like, oh, does he have to do martial arts? Does he really, like, they don't bring it up like, oh, this is Al-Quan, or, you know, he's... He's our martial arts detective. Exactly. Not only, you know, is he good behind the wheel, but man, can that guy do a high kick? Look out for it. Not only is he good at the target range, you should see him operate these nunchugs. When they start giving his backstory, they just start cramming it in, man, because it's just like one of nine subplots in this movie.

Dude, I think it's a feature film version. of a TV backdoor pilot. We're still trying to get an Al-Quan TV show and we're going to do it through the shitty dirty Harry sequel. I know stuff about his grandfather. So much about his grandfather. A whole lot about Grandpa Kwan. Well, I can't wait for the, to see him in this series.

The nutty, the comic relief probably. Dude, I think what they were trying to set up was like, this is the last one Eastwood was going to be in and then it was going to be Dirty Kwan. This next sequel, he was going to take. over the franchise like Jeremy Renner in these Mission Impossible movies. Right. But so this dude comes in.

A quirky quang. He comes in and this other, this detective or this lieutenant is like oh, that would be great. Sightling Harry Callahan with a Chinese American. And to the credit of this

movie, all the characters in the room, including Clint Eastwood, just go oh. Like fucking really? tenant whatever. Do you think this like paralleled real life a little bit? Like they told Eastwood like we're going to give you a new partner in this one and it was going to be a dog

or something. And then he was like no, no. Okay. I guess that'll do. Dude, Eastwood partnered with a dog like Jerry Lee comes in. Yeah. Or your stool would be great. Come on, stool. Let's

go take them down. I bet your wood blood is boiling. Come on. Come on, come on. You know, for someone with four legs, you move pretty slow. Buckle up, stool, I'm driving this time. Don't want your stool face to hit the windshield and burst into splinters. Look what they did to my stool.

Oh, an invisible Barack Obama sat on them. RIP stool. 16 gun salute. So it's decided. He is partnered with Aliquan. He goes, Better get a bulletproof vest, kid. Meanwhile, this dude's like fucking 45 years old kid.

Well, he's still a lot older. This is before Eastwood fell off a cliff. He's still like very virile. It's 1988. He's still moving around. He's like late 50s. Looks great. You can tell he's on the edge, though.

Yeah, yeah. Um, now let's cut to one of the other movies in this movie, which is, we just cut to Jim Carrey. James Carey. I apologize. What, I mean, where to begin with James Carey? I mean, it's weird because, like, watching this movie now, it's bizarre because he's a superstar. Yeah. Um, like, kind of on the decline.

But, like, he's fucking Jim Carrey. But in this movie, he's just a no one. James Carey, nothing actor, and he's on the set. Well, we don't know it's a set. Right now, we're in, like, a haunted house. There is a woman on the bed, kind of like the exorcist. Right. And then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, now, wait a second.

Well, that tune sure sounds familiar. Cut to G&R's Welcome to the Jungle. And there's Jim Carrey dressed up with, like, crazy big red hair or like, You know, brown red hair, whatever it is. Right, like all blown out, like 80s rocker. Total hair metal hair. And he's dressed up like a priest. And he starts lip syncing, welcome to the jungle, while dancing around what is sometimes a woman and sometimes a dummy.

Yeah. Which is annoying because, yes, eventually the song will stop. Director Liam Neeson calls cut. And we're on a movie set. But it's the bullshit thing that movies do where, like, what we're first watching is edited as if we're watching part of the movie. Yeah. Because that actress does go from like a woman to a puppet.

Like inside this thing that's supposedly being filmed in real time. So already it's a gigantic stupid continuity error. Maybe when we were watching Jim Carrey mug, there was like some sort of apparatus that swapped out the actress and the puppet. I could do it all in one take. We just build a pulley system. Jim Carrey. This is the birth of the...

Jim Carrying on screen He's Jim Carrying on Yeah he's just it's like a riddler dance It is a it's it's a precursor to the riddler Honestly yeah and well he's he's He's doing all of his his signature faces I'm surprised to do the arm over the shoulder I was I was find a way to get that go

I was shocked if you talk out of his ass Did you say like arm over the shoulder thing And I know exactly what you're talking about And yeah obviously the ass talking Which maybe that hit the cutting room floor. Eastwood was just like, nobody's talking out of asses in this movie, but me. Who is this clown? It's great because, so in this, this is my question.

He plays a rocker slash actor named Johnny Squares, and it comes to pass that he's only doing this movie because his agent made him and blah, blah, blah. There's like a music video tie in to the movie question mark. Which is no, what Liam, this is what's, I would never see this movie that they're. making this haunted blood motel or whatever hotel satan yes hotel satan excuse me yeah first of all the title like that i'm staying away oh i'm i'm into it yeah i'm kind of into well but what leum nison says though is that the producers thought it would be a good idea for this music video to happen inside the movie so you go to the theater to see uh hotel satan and all of a sudden the movie stops dead for this music video inside the movie.

It's a musical. And make no mistake about it, gentle listener. This movie wants you to believe that the song Welcome to the Jungle was written and produced by Johnny Squares and he is the one singing it in this movie. Guns and Roses exists in this movie as background character actors at two scenes. But as far as this movie's concerned, Welcome to the Jungle is a fucking Johnny Square's original piece. I've fallen into an alternate reality. Like, right, this is a parallel timeline. Yeah, where's John Reese Davies?

You've got to slide. What? Some immigrants talking back to me. Better kill him. But I'm with you, Christianity's on trial. Goodbye. Come on, Lucille. Let's get him.

That fat immigrant. Grin's talking shit. See if you could slide your way around this bullet fatso. I was thinking about, you know, music videos in movies. Yeah. Maybe it's kind of like at the end of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves when they have that Brian Adams music video, which like totally destroys any reality that happened. Isn't that at least over credits or no?

It's over credits, but it's still a little bit weird. But it's still like, yeah, it's like a dance at their wedding at the end. It's like you got, like, King Richard the Lionheart hearing this being like, hmm, yes, that's a good tool. What a rocking good love ballad. Ooh, the bards today are very good. Is that now, I might be getting confused with Prince of Thieves and Mediton. Sean Connery, it's not Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart's Menenthal. Okay, yes. I'm pretty sure. You know, now I'm confused. Because it's, yeah, it's just, it's one of those things where, like, you need to, like, fade to black and, like, have a music video that has nothing to do with it. You know what I mean? If you're going to do that.

Well, it's like, I was just reminded of another even weirder one is in, remember the one and look who's talking now with the fucking the French baby rapper? Well, that one's bizarre. And it's like the kids, the kids are in this dollhouse. And Kirstie Allie and John Travolta like wake up because they hear a. ruckus and the ruckus is coming from the dollhouse, that video's fucking crazy. And that's right at the end of the movie. Like, it's like directed by whoever. And then we get right into this little French baby rapper. And there's no credits either. So it's like, it's stopping

the credits. Dead stop. You know, I just remembered that Friar Tuck breaks the fourth wall in the end of that movie. Does he really? Yeah, he like looks at the camera and he's like, Oh, isn't that a fun movie. don't worry everybody it was all a fun movie Jim Carrey's kind of breaking the fourth wall in this music video

because he's like supposed to be mugging for Liam Neeson's camera but it's Clint Eastwood's camera or Buddy Van Horn's camera excuse me so it stops like Liam Neeson calls cut and he's like you're out of sink Johnny

in comes this ponytail and everybody's like oh but he's doing this like British like really like highfalutin like high talking thing Like, he's actually doing a character in this scene. Well, he's... Lest we forget, this character is an artiste.

Like, this guy... This guy is carrying himself, at least on the set, because later in the movie, he trashes all of his own work. But, like, on the set, this guy is carrying himself. Like, he's making some high art here. Yeah.

He's a real Russ Craven type, actually, when you think about it. Very intellectually stimulating guy, like, but we're still making horror movies. Well, that's the weird thing. They show a reel of his movies later, and it, like, There's no style to it

It's like Some of it's Dario Argento Some of it's definitely Cronenberg There's like a baby being born Kind of a scene I thought And I was trying to look through my notes here Because I seriously thought

This was just Oh yeah I thought it was just clips From other like existing movies Oh are they? Because I think one of them Is a clip from the pack Oh really?

Really Yeah the Joe Don Baker Island of Wild Dogs movie I think that might have been Episode like four three of we hate movies yeah so go to the w hm podcast dot com and click on our episodes

tab for that one but no I was like wait a minute I think that's the pack I thought it was like a kujo ripoff like a pastiche but I guess it's sort of I've fallen into another alternate reality Peter Swan directed all these movies now

John Reese Davies got me a device to run away from all of these all of the Muslims and what I When I say got me a device, I mean I killed it. I killed him and I lifted it off his fat body. Was it a wristwatch in that show? No, he had some little gleep-glopping remote control thing.

Yeah, it was more remote control than not. Okay. Yeah. I think there may have been a watch that let them in on like the countdown until when the next slide was, maybe. You know, I never watched that show. What, Jerry O'Connell was on this? Jerry O'Connell.

And then later his bruce him. brother took over the role playing Jerry O'Connell's character's brother. There's another... The show got dropped by Fox and sci-fi channel bought it for like another season or

whatever and Jerry O'Connell left the show and his brother Barry O'Connell or whatever his name is came on the show playing Quinn Mallory's brother. Barry O'Mallory. Finn O'Malley. Probably.

So we're getting in this fight It's like Jim Carrey is like Why don't we do something original and creative I'm working with this shit ass fucking director man Well because the the doll does do an exorcist's head spin Oh it absolutely does Right yeah and Jim Carrey actually calls it out As being an exorcist rip off

And then Peter Swan's offended Dude this is where Liam Nees and well this character is just like It's not stealing it's a homage And I'm like the way he says it is hummage dude that's a hard age on homage

so they get in a big fight or whatever and it's revealed that Jim Carrey is has taken a little bit of a break from the junk and so he's kind of feeling it and whatever and Liam Neeson like points this out like on set in front of everybody's like

oh you're fiending aren't you oh I knew you couldn't stay clean Johnny and all this shit they have this big blowout or whatever and he's like why don't you go to your trailer or Jim Carrey says like I'll go to my trailer just let me level out man and then we'll come back here and make some really good art and I'm like oh man and then he gets murdered it's a weird it's a weird murder because it's like he's doing a speedball and yeah I guess someone scares him to death really like because he doesn't get strangled or no no he shoved pills

down his throat it's now it's neither of those things oh I'm thinking about Jimmy Hendrix How they really did it. When the government killed him? Yeah, all the 27 club. No, he's in there. And then like someone comes in and he's like, hey, man. And the person takes an inhaler and shoves it in his mouth and sprays him with poison. Oh.

There's like a new drug on the street. Yeah, dude. Eastwood talks about the delivery system in a police scene, but minutes later. Oh, cool. I guess I'll watch the movie sometime. But, you know, it's this thing where. he, you know, you don't know whether or not he recognizes the person and it's like

he sprays this shit in his mouth and Jim Carrey, for one last bit of Jim Carrying on in this movie starts running around this RV like he's a cartoon character that just ate a bunch of hot sauce and it's really like, oh, good. It's a dumb and dumber scene.

Yeah. And then he just falls back down on this couch and dies and they do, again, annoying continuity shit. You see him dead and it's Jim carried is dead on this couch, which is weird because he doesn't often play characters that die. No, I don't ever see him die.

So it's weird. And then later when they were in the RV and it's like Callahan and Kwaner in there, it's a totally different position of this body. And his eyes are looking in a different direction and whatever. And you're like, come on. Just go back and look at the footage. In whichever order you shot these scenes,

look at the one you already did. Here's the problem. All these alternate timelines keep happening. And they're writing over each other So now he's in a different position It's like zero hour The DC Comics crossover I'll take your word for it

Please Yeah we won't get into it But we believe you're telling the truth So we're at this crime scene It's now a crime scene And Kwan and Callahan are there And this is where Al Kwan starts in With the fucking jokes

Because he's like Wow I never knew moving to homicide Would get me to meet celebrities and fucking Eastwood's just like, you're not going to get his damn signature his autograph or whatever. And it's just like

I don't need the joke cracking. No. Because it's already coming from Callahan and it's coming from a couple other people. And this fucking Al-Quan is the only one that's just, he's just a joke machine. Al-Qua on the joke machine. That's what they call me

down at my local open mic. Don't you dare partner me with another joke machine. That's what I call them. That robot you gave me last time was terrible. That's what we need. We need one of these movies where Dirty Harry is up with a robot, you know?

Yeah. You know, the robot can, like, crunch the numbers and then he'll be able to, like, kill faster. I don't know. Harry, the probability of us getting out of this scrape is 100 million to one. Never tell me the odds. Jokebot.

Hey, joke bot, I'll take it. Then they'd drive over a bridge that's coming up successfully. Harry, you certainly could have also arrested that gentleman. Police procedure says you're only supposed to fire if your life is in danger, but the threat had gone out. Jopbot, why don't you crunch these numbers? How much would it take to give this punk three squares a day on the taxpayers die? I say I did society a favor by supplying them with a pine box. You know, someone had a job building that pine box.

I'm creating jobs now. And now that punk's got a job pushing up daisies. You like daisies joke pot? Define Daisy. It's a flower you eat it. Just picturing dirty hairy, picket, Harry, picket fly. and eating them. These daisies are delicious.

That was a dandelion. Come on, you put another dandelion in my daisy bowl. Daisy chain? That's something, right? That is something. What was that again? It's a lot of things. Okay, let's not talk about it.

It's like a wreath of flowers. We're using a daisy chain right now to correct. correct to connect three headphones It's not a sexual Oh it also is a sexual thing Okay that's what I was thinking But I don't know

I don't recall the exact position But I'll look it up later So enter Patricia Clarkson In this movie Oh right yes The hard-nosed reporter Apparently like a real Nancy Sturgeon stand-in comes in

Nancy Sturgeon Said Nancy Sponging shit Yeah whatever So a real Nancy fancy sponge and stand-in comes in, she's like, Is that my daughter in there? Oh, is that my Johnny Squares in there?

Oh, this chick pulls up in this like blue corvette or whatever and starts flipping the fuck out. And like Patricia Clarkson's on scene with her cameraman and like, you know, she's being really insensitive because she's like trying to interview this person that's just finding out that her boyfriend died. Dude, she gets in this woman's face and she's just like, excuse me, are you related to the deceased? Does this going to affect you negatively? Who are you? What's happening? I know. Like, what is, what footage are you? you're going to get out of this woman?

It's like, she would take that back to the news studio, and they would be like, well, this is, you're clearly just harassing this person. It's insane. The level, like, the lens is right in her face. It's amazing. And Eastwood's like, hey, get that camera out of her face, lady. Why don't you have a heart like me, a heart as big as the moon. Have some compassion like me, dirty Harry Callahan.

This is bullshit. You know, you're being really unprofessional right now. You could have just scheduled an interview for a later date, but you're breaking the rules and getting in her face really unprofessional. Give me that camera. I'm going to do to it what I did to Jopot. And he hucks it. Yeah, he does.

The shot of this camera hitting the ground is one of the funniest things. Because it's just this Eastwood toss. You kind of get some POV from the camera. Like, no. It's like, yeah, you're going to look at my tweed jacket for a minute. Then you're going to fall on the ground camera. Because this thing just like hits the ground. And like, you expect because it's a movie, like things are going to be a little exaggerated.

This thing's going to like break into pieces. Yeah. But it's very realistic. Like a little tiny bit of it chips off. And Patricia Cawksson's like, oh, well, great. It's destroyed. Oh, man, that camera tells. Callahan one, camera zero.

your move camera I'm here all day then he's looking over his shoulder seeing like tourists or like polar rights oh my god they're after me that camera put a hit on me from the grave

ghost camera don't trust cameras anymore those Amish were right they'll steal your soul right out of your body this movie ended with him becoming Amish I would have loved it.

That's the national progression of the film of the whole series, really. I think so. I got to retire to Pennsylvania Dutch territory. But no, then that movie Frantic takes place. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Now there's been an Amish murder. Got a suit back up again.

Is that the right Harrison Ford movie? No, you're thinking of Witness. Yeah, witness. What's frantic? What's he doing in that movie? I think he's in Europe or something. It's about an airport. Yeah.

Yeah, witness. Yeah, where there's an Amish murder. I got to solve this Amish murder the old-fashioned way. I have to build a wooden magnum and start murdering Amish people. That would actually come in handy with vampires, too. Oh, yeah. Maybe that'll be the sequel after that. Dirty Harry Callahan, Vampire Hunter.

So Patricia Clarkson kind of like sues or something threatens to sue him for $2 million. And you know the captains all put out And then the lieutenants like we can't do this She basically like says I'm going to forego this lawsuit If you have dinner with me

Which is just like whatever Come on character. Don't do that Sue these people Well they have two dinners One they're just kind of drinking beers And hanging out at Muldoons It's a real Muldoons And I was like man is this

Did Callahan pick this place? He's drinking a real... He's not drinking a bud heavy. He's got himself a Guinness there. Oh, Callahan. He's an Irishman. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. This is in character.

I said, I'm drinking at Guinness. That's as dark as I'll go if you get my drift. Harry Callahan. I gotta prepare. Go to the mother country. Dude, that would be great. It's like Boondock Saints, too, with Harry Callahan.

I would love it, yeah. Someone murdered my sheep farmer father. Or maybe he comes across the Boondock Saints. He's like, you're doing it wrong. So he has to kill them. I would love if in the first five minutes of Boondock Saints three, a door just gets kicked in, and it's like now Clint Eastwood as dirty Harry,

and he just murders them, and it's a movie about something completely different. Here's an idea that can't happen because Charles Bronson's dead. But why? In like 1981, why wasn't there of Freddie versus Jason with Bronson versus Eastwood? And like, maybe it's even Callahan versus Paul, whatever his name? Cursey. Yeah, like it's Death Wish versus Dirty Harry.

Oh, yeah, that would be great. And like, you know what? Like, make it out of continuity. Like, it's, you know, whoever dies, they can come back for another movie, whatever. Just like Jason and Fred. Exactly. I would also take Charles Bronson versus Jason or Charles. Charles Bronson versus Freddie.

Look at you, Pons Gum. You got lake all over you. Gotta go kill that big roundhead over there in the hockey mask. Hey, leave those kids alone. Or, like, so who else could it be, though, if it was like an expendables type thing? So Paul Cursey, Harry Callahan, Mitchell could be involved, get Joe Don Baker to sign up for this food. And they're like a, they're like fighting monsters. They're all like an elite squad to fight monsters.

I just want a winner-takes-all battle royale, though. Gene Hackman is Popeye Doyle. Yes. Yes. Guaranteed. That's a good fucking police rumble. Get Serpico in there? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is a real police rumble I want to see. Zombie Serbico or? He's alive. Oh, okay. He makes it through that movie. Frank Serbico, the real person,

is still alive, I think. Oh, really? He moved to Vermont. Get out of the filthy city. He'd had enough. Because, you know, Eric, the thing about the end of Serpico is, Serpico still loses, because he realizes that no matter what,

no matter who he takes down, no matter how much corruption, he snuffs out, there's always going to be somebody else. Sounds like a pussy to me. I always assumed that it just caught up with him. Oh, no, that's what the movie is. It's Harry Callahan, Paul Cursey,

and Popeye Doyle chase down Serpico to kill him. He's bad mouth in the department. He's giving us all a bad name. They're all on the take. See, that's the thing is I don't... Callahan doesn't play by the rules, but he also would not be taking bribes.

There is one of these sequels where he takes down a ring of corrupt cops. Oh, that's fun. Because these cops are like taking it upon themselves to just actually do like death wish type stuff and just murder these criminals. And he's like, boys, boys, boys, you're taking the fun out of it. You're a bit on my corner, if you know what I mean.

Hey, guys, it's all about the thrill of the hunt. So, this first dinner kind of comes to nothing. Because she wants to do a profile. And he's like, no fucking way. No dice lady. I'm taking this Guinness to go. Dude, if he just carried a glass of beer out of the bar. I'll bring this back tomorrow, Laura.

The bartender's like, it's okay, you're in here every day. I mean, the, so there's like six movies going on, right? It's a lot to juggle. In like a 95-minute movie. The next movie we get is it's more of a Death Wish, or more of a Dirty Harry thing, which is a hold-up at a Chinese restaurant. They're in Chinatown.

This is when Kwan is just like trying to get as much backstory as he can in 80 seconds or less. Go. Dude, I used to be in gangs. I used to be in a triad. And my grandfather is actually super, super, super, really superstitious. And what else happened? What else is Chinese?

Because then a dude gets shot through a window. He would have kept going with Chinese accolades, but a dude gets shot through a window. And this is somehow, a dude gets shot through the window. And Callahan's like, oh, I got a good singer for this. So he kind of like sneaks in. As opposed to, like, you know, busting in or calling for back. I was like, hey, Kwan, you do legitimate police stuff. I got a really good singer.

And he's sitting next to this terrified woman somehow in the restaurant seconds later. He sneaks into this thing like a cartoon character. And he's just sitting there at the table and saying, hey, I read your fortune cookie. Your shit out of luck. And he blows this guy away. Just straight murders this dude. Your shit out of luck, blam. Not like freeze on the police, you're under arrest.

Yeah, totally does not identify himself. That guy dies not knowing who murdered him. It's just like some, yeah, it's just some guy at the restaurant and shot him. He's going down to hell. Like, what was with that one liner? I don't even remember the end of it. Oh, fuck. And then so like there's all these, the dudes in this gang look like a bunch of beach bums.

Yeah. And they're all just like trying to take him out. and he's shooting people into fish tanks left and right in the scene. And it just so happens. And then this is when we find out, we've not learned that Kwan does martial arts, but one guy gets away and Harry's chasing after him.

You think it's going to be a dirty Harry chase. But like Kwan just kicks his ass. And again, pretty sweet martial art moves. He's like, hey, that's pretty cool. Yeah. He goes, because, like, he references a line that the lieutenant had earlier in the movie about, like, the whole, like, teaming him with a Chinese American

would be good for the, you know, morale of the department or whatever it is and he comes up to him and he's like wow it appears teaming me with a Chinese American as good for the department's public image and like taps him on the shoulder and walks away and Kwan's just like

did you see what I did back there? Did you see I took that guy down with my bare hands and my feet to be fair I didn't fucking shoot three dudes in the face. That guy's still alive. Now we could find out who they were working for, what they were doing Exactly.

How we could do some actual police work. No dice. We find out that the guy that got killed in the restaurant, just incidentally, right? There's no larger scheme here. Happened to be one of the producers of the movie that had the production accountant. Okay. Who had the death list in his pocket. Right.

So let's explain the Deadpool now. So they've discovered that a bunch of people, William Newson included on the on the production team of Hotel Satan Jesus that sounds so they have really cool production jackets and I kind of want one yeah I was eyeing that yeah those nice little satin crew jacket because you know what it is it's the sick like snap button it's a shiny jacket too oh man with a nice deep embroider on the back I had a jacket like that that was Chicago Bulls man that's a shiny starter jacket it was great a Knicks fan I know it was well yeah everybody loved Jordan to a degree.

Sure. You got to play that game back in the 90s. But the Deadpool is everybody got together and said, hey, as a fun game, you know, let's write out celebrities and who we think are going to die in the next year or next time. And an interesting

twist of this is that they're only local Bay Area celebrities or like people that are in the Bay Area. So like Liam Neeson, the whole thing is Liam Neeson has Jim Carrey's characters named Johnny Squares on his list.

Yeah. So he was like, well, Johnny Squares is going to be in the Bay Area for a couple months shooting my film. Better put him on here. And he put Harry Callahan as well. Yes. And like, you know, when confronted about it, by the way, Patricia Clarkson puts this together.

They just find a list in his pocket in this dead guy's pocket. And Eastwood's like, weird. Sure wish I didn't kill anybody. I could have asked a question. The only thing he thinks he solves is at one point Alquan's like, look what they wrote next to Johnny Square's name. R-I-P. And he goes, hey, Kwan, R-I-P, rest in peace.

And I was like, yep, you cracked it, Callaghan. Like a fucking Nazi codebreaker. You did it. Oh, that would have been great, him in the imitation game? I just cracked anigma. Get out of my fucking face, Benedict Cumberbatch, if you get my drift. H.H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. get the machines running boys joke bot get on it

i would just love it if like alquan or joke bot or anybody in the vicinity was just like yeah we fucking know what rest in pieces you're this star detective rest in peace is the only thing you've solved the world's greatest detective everyone always wanted him to play the old bad man right yeah yeah i'm one of those people Where was that supposed to be? No, it just was always a rumor, like, oh, that'd be such a cool idea, especially when Eastwood was still doing it. The Frank Miller one, Dark Night Returns. Yeah, like, everyone was like, oh, it'd be great to get Eastwood.

Oh, yeah, that would have been cool. So it's way to... RIP, rest in peace. I mean, Eastwood's still alive. No, I mean, I meant that opportunity instead. Clint Eastwood's still alive directing movies nobody wants to see. But the weird... Again, Patricia...

So there's this list, and there's no, like, hey, Kwan, you want to, like... go to a coffee shop and talk about what this might mean. Like, nothing. The next scene is maybe we could talk about your rich cultural background. You could pepper that in and I could tell you about all

my ex-wives. Hey, Kwan, you know what I, you know what's been keeping me up at night? Not knowing literally everything about your grandfather. So let's get back to that over lunch. Or maybe talk about this case or whatever, which they never ever do.

No, no, no, no, no. He's just like, well, eventually this will play it. Hey, Kwan, stop with the books. Eventually, this will play itself out in a mono-imano situation. And me and Lucille will take it over. Lucille does my thinking for me. So, yeah, Patricia Clarkson, like, breaks the news about the Deadpool. And he's like, oh, wow, that's a pretty good deal.

detail. So then the question... Yeah, there's a scene of him watching television being like, oh, that's all that's what it is. And, you know, he confronts Neeson. Neeson's like, you know, blah, blah, blah. I just only picked celebrities.

You know, Johnny Squares had a drug problem. Right. That's, you know, probably was going to kill him. You know, you're a high risk. You know, they got the whole fucking Italian mafia after you. By the way, that's a C plot of this movie. Yep. So I figured you'd be dead pretty soon.

By the way, this whole conversation where he's questioning Liam Neeson is taking place at Jim Carrey's funeral. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And in attendance, it's the first scene with guns and roses. There's fucking Slash. There's Axel Rose. There's the other two nobody remembers. And they're just there at this funeral.

And there's like a priest, and Slash has the fucking hat on. Take your hat off. Yeah, absolutely. Show some respect. Take off that bone hat while you're there, please, slash. And he's like, you know, we're trying to have the fucking funeral for Jim Carrey over here. I'm a place for a fucking police interrogation. All right, all right.

I'll walk among the tombstones to talk to you. I'll go real fast, so it's non-stop right to you. You know, the Reaper took him. He was taken by the Reaper. And now you're taking up my time. Part three. Then he goes out He takes Patricia Clarkson

Out to a real nice restaurant Not a restaurant Because this is in 1980s Black as Sin Wood panel brass fixtures And you can get a nice $12 salisbury steak there Oh absolutely

But here's the thing A couple things about this restaurant That are fascinating to me It's a restaurant Excuse me This restaurant has a couple of details That we cannot miss One of which is it's called the zero-see restaurant.

Oh, really? Zero-C. And also to get to the zero-see restaurant, you go through the zero-c gateway into an elevator that takes you up a couple of flights and then you walk along this long-ass sidewalk and then you get to the restaurant main gates. Every time someone comes and goes from this restaurant, that's how you have to do it. What an obnoxious setup. I mean, it would fail. It's not even like, because it's not a, what do you call it, like a revolving restaurant. or like, you know, a really nice view.

It's just like second store. Yeah, no. No one would know it existed. I'm like, I'm not going to go through that rapy parking lot just to get to your shitty restaurant. It is so obnoxious that this is how you get in and out of this dump. And obviously Eastwood picked it. You know, you don't see the salad bar, which there definitely had to have been. Absolutely.

This is like a independently owned Ruby Tuesdays. You know what I mean? That's like that salad bar's coming with everything. Eastwood gets his fucking pennies worth of this thing. You get your choice of baked potato for sure. A lot of cubed ham. And a little more cubed ham for me and my lady friend. Hey, waitress, salad bars out of cottage cheese.

Let's get that shit refilled before my soft serve ice cream gets here. well it's not harry it's not that of war no it's the fucking point of the matter fill your fucking salad bar i don't want cottage cheese but i better see it there where's all the shredded cheddar to put on my salad oh nowhere because this is a mismanaged fucking salad bar let me talk to the manager lucile wants to talk to the manager hey hey hey i don't care that the cottage cheese ain't stocked up but Lucille's real pissed off about her blood's boiling I mean this whole scene is just a prelude to one a scene where some guy

two guys like say hey it's Harry Carolehan they follow him out to the parking lot you're like oh shit here it comes yeah and he's like hey man and he pulls out this magnum and puts under this guy's throat and in a in a Herculean show of restraint doesn't blow this guy away right And he's like, no, no, my God, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.

Oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. Someone talked to me in public in front of my lady friend, whilst we were both digesting. Holy fuck, I didn't kill him. Somebody called Guinness. I didn't fucking kill him. Oh, it's another alternate timeline. One where I'm not an unhinged, murderous cop. And of course, he's like, hey, I just wanted your autograph because I think you're just an awesome cop.

And here's the thing, these two gentlemen, you're clearly both two 45-year-old moustachioed guys asking for autographs. This is a one-way train to loser town. Give me a fucking break. And it's not like Johnny Squares. It's a local cop. Even if he is a hero cop, come on. And it's just this whole thing about, oh, yeah, we're just so glad you stood up. to Gennaro. There's some good people

in this town standing up to this scum or whatever, and he's like, you got no idea how close you just came to have in your brains painted all over the front of Zero C restaurant's door. There's a timeline that's coexisting with this one where I

murdered you. The problem was I had three steaks for dinner, so I was a little slow on the draw. Had I not just finished all three of those stakes, at Ruby Tuesday's Endless Steak Tuesdays

Yeah, I know when to come here You'd be dead, buddy I would have been more filled If that pain in the acid Remembered to fill the goddamn Fucking cottage cheese bucket At the salad bar Boy, my blood's still boiling from that

So they walk away And you know, Patricia Clarkson's like Oh, that was fun When you pulled out a gun on nobody for no reason She's like, you're getting your 15 minutes It's Callahan. And the other guy's like, oh, man, better change my shorts. Oh, wow, I was just talking to this hero copy.

He made me shit my fucking pants. That's your autograph, buddy. Hey, save them drawers. There's my John Hancock for you. It's also great because it was 1988, and I guess that phrase of 15 minutes of fame wasn't that famous yet. So Patricia Clarkson had to say, you know, Andy Warhol says everyone's famous for 50s. You know, it just has to go through the whole lineage of it.

That's right, Missy. I better cite your sources when you talk to me. Hey, I know Andy Warhol. I'm a cop, not a fucking caveman. I know my Warhol quotes. So they get into this elevator and obviously the mafia starts shooting it up like nobody's business.

They're like two floors down, you know, 100 meters away. I could do this with my fucking eyes closed. It's unbelievable that they live through this. And also these exposed elevators in movies. Yeah, you're asking for it. Yeah. Dude, this is, you never go to the zero C restaurant. It's just, it's a death trap.

But it's great because they're firing and they both dropped to the floor and he's covering her. And clearly, if I'm firing at this thing, I'm like, oh, wait, they jump down and I'm shooting at nothing right now. Let me save my bullets. It's a see-through elevator. You'd know what's going on. And they're just fire. They're reloading and loading and loading again. It's outright.

I mean, this scene. goes on. And it's like more bullet holes. Patty Clarkson is screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming. And Eastwood's just like, can we get on with the movie, please? My metaclorians won't allow them to shoot me. I'm

bulletproof. And they come out, he comes out, because again, they have to reload again, because they've used six clips on this dude, on nothing, and they both get blown away. It's like as many bullets as they took to get sunny Corleone on the causeway. This is one of the ones he shoots

on the back, right? Yeah. It's just like you've exhausted all your bullets. I've used the force to deflect them. He gets... Well, no, this isn't this isn't a back one. For some reason... I think one of them runs and he shoots them. That's in the car scene. At the beginning. Forgive me. One of the mafia guys

stretched the wrong way. But this, it's fucking hilarious because they try to get to the getaway car and Eastwood like fires and this guy goes to open the door and it's like, I lock the fucking door, Jerry! And he Turns around and Eastwood blows this guy away, but then the second dude gets away. Again. He only murders one person in this scene.

Arrest that guy. Yeah. Shoot him in the leg. Don't shoot, doing kill shots every time. It's not like he's, and it's not like he's shooting in the chest because he's not a good marksman. He's, it's headshots every time. Oh, yeah. It's amazing.

He's getting him right in the noggin. I've lived through the zombie apocalypse. It's literally just being Lucille left. Cut off the head or destroy the brain. That would be a great TV show too. Dutney Harry just in the zombie apocalypse. Fear the Walking Callahan. It's all, it's from the zombies perspective.

Hey, anybody see a point to this show? No. All right, just asking. Continue to fear the walking dead. I mean, we'll see. But fucking whatever. Yeah. Now we got cut to prison

We got to take a trip to Well I guess it wouldn't be Alcatraz I wish it was though They closed it down That's a pretty good Eastwood movie Oh yeah I'm escaping from Alcatraz

Using a spoon And my grid And these clothes I lifted So yeah we go to this prison He goes to this big bruiser guy And he's like hey want a carton of cigarettes He's like, I'm sure. All you got to do is stand when I talks to this guy.

And he goes up to him. And he goes on this long-ass mailman metaphor. And he takes this shit for a walk. Oh, yeah. He goes up to Gennaro and he's like, look, Janero, it's got to end with the killing. You nearly took out my lady friend and destroyed my favorite way to get to my favorite restaurant. No one can get to that restaurant now. that the elevator's broken.

Look, I get it, Gennaro. I was pissed off. They didn't fill up the cottage cheese, too. But no reason to go shooting up my favorite dining establishment. So he's like, all right, right now you become the mailman. And he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, you're the mailman. Because every week I'm going to send a letter to my big buddy over there.

And I take care of his mother and take care of his parking tickets. and then if he don't get and none of those letters because something befalls me, guess what happens? He's going to go talk to you because you're the mailman and you need to refund his stamps and there better not be the long line and he's going to expect tracking information. I love it that like this whole system of like

I'm going to mail you letters addressed to this dude and you have to deliver them. But if your guys kill me and he doesn't get a letter, He's going to murder your ass. Isn't there also a thing here where they're like, and he's in here for cannibalism. Oh, yeah. And if he doesn't get,

if he doesn't get my letter, he's going to eat you. He's going to bite you up. He's going to start chowing down on you like me, that buffet. You know what? This guy is the head of the fucking mafia. I'd be like, so what?

You know what? You just got that big goon killed. Because the second you leave, all of my hundreds of goons that are clearly in this prison, I'm safe for inside a prison because I'm a mafia guy that I am outside. Right. He's dead. He's just totally dead. They're going to find a way to kill this guy.

And he's like, hominy, hominy, hominy. It's like, no. The guy, like, he gives, Easter goes back and he gives the dude the cigarettes. And then the guy, he says like, oh, yeah, see that crumbum down there I was talking to? You know what he said about you? he said that smoking kills and anyone who smokes is a fucking moron

and then this guy's like grr and then this like mafia kingpins like and like gets in his cell and closes the door I just feel like then like dirty Harry turns and walks away and then like five guys shiv that big guy

to death exactly no instead he's in in his cell trying to figure out this baroque mail system that he just laid out wait am I allowed to be closed on holidays how does that work now this is when we cut to a very important scene in the movie is there one yeah no it's a comedy show no we cut to slash from guns and roses yes on this like fucking it's supposed to be like a sinking pirate ship or something and he's got a harpoon gun yeah and slash

from guns and roses fires this harpoon gun and and we're filming this dumb movie movie again. We're back to fucking Hotel Satan. And Liam Neeson is... We're back in this movie. Yeah. And Liam Neeson is flipping out. There's a great like G side plot where Liam Neeson has had it up to here with this special effects guy. Because something goes

wrong with the doll at the beginning of the movie and he's like, you're the worst fucking special effects guy in Hollywood and all this stuff. And then he's like, the harpoon was supposed to hit the dummy, not the window, no more cock-ups. Well, I guess he's a red herring, right? Because you're think like that's what it's going on. Yes. This is like the second red herring

of the movie is this guy. This put upon special effects wizard. Yeah, you you're led up to think maybe he's Roy. The second kill that the serial killer makes is the one with the critic, right? The lady. Well, this is technically the second one.

Is the killer responsible for the production accountant or is that just happens? No, that's just total bizarre happenstance. That has nothing to do with anything. Okay, so the killer, yes. So there's this Pauline Kale-esque film critic who we see on TV. Again, this dude with his little ponytail is just in his apartment watching all sorts of local TV.

And there's this critic who's like, you know, Pauline Kale famously hated most movies. She's a very difficult critic. And that's what this lady is. And so she's at her, like, very nice paid for it by a famous film critic salary apartment in 1988. and like this dude bursts in there and it's here's the thing it's clearly a guy doing an impression of Liam a bad one yes and it's so obvious that I don't know how they expected anyone to be fooled like you know what if you really want to send your audience for a head trip or whatever like just have Liam Neeson do that audio yeah and it just so happens this guy's got a really good Liam Neeson impression because it's clearly just this guy mimicking

Liam Neeson and I'm like all right so Liam Neeson isn't the killer What's weird is like this guy breaks into that house and he's like stabbing up her couch and getting the knife towards her. You hate my movies. He's like, you know who I am, right? Right? No. Here are my credits and my name is Peter Swan. She's like, oh, Peter Swan.

Yep. And I thought he was going to let her live just to identify the killer. Right. No, what's the point? I also thought he was trying to, like, have her die from natural causes because she's like, Oh, scared of death? He's like, oh, my, my heart medicine, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, I'm going to keep cutting up your couch, lady.

I'm going to keep cutting up this couch until you die. So you were the couch. But he stabs her to death, right? Oh, yeah, she's brutally murdered. And it's this weird, like, to your point, the whole red herring thing, it's always problematic in movies like this. If you're going to do a red herring, you need three legitimate acts. actors. Yes. And one of them turns out to be the killer and the other guy turns out to be the real red herring. In this movie, it's Liam Neeson, total legitimate actor. But it's 1988, so no one like really knows him either. But he's third build in the movie. Right, right, right. So he's been in stuff. But at the same time, like, it winds up being nobody. At the end of the movie, it's like, oh, wait, guess what? It was somebody you never saw before. It's a sixth guy. Yeah. It's totally inconsequential, which is bullshit with this kind of storytelling. And you know, honestly. I'd rather just be Liam Neeson at the end of the day.

Sure. Then he's fighting Harry Callan at the end. And that's something I could almost watch. Like, do you think this was a thing where like maybe the script like said it one way? And then it was like, no, we'll change it. It'll be. It's going to be so out of left field. The audience is going to be so surprised or something.

But it's not, you can only surprise me with somebody that I've been introduced to and care about. Right. Right. If it was Kwan, I'd be like, holy shit. Kwan was the guy the whole time. Wow, that's really unbelievable, actually. It's literally unbelievable. Maybe somehow tie in the mafia, that'd be nice.

Heaven forbid, we tie some of these threads together. The mafia loves gambling. Deadpool's a gamble. Yeah, it's kind of a gamble, sure. You never lay out. They never lay out what the stakes are as far as the game's concerned. I want to, because this is like big Hollywood money in here. Either that or it's a sex game.

Oh, that could be. What's the prize? Like the winner and the loser, like the first place and last place after Daisy Chains. Yes. another thing missing from that salad bar was daisies how could you have a salad without a little floral effervescence so all right let's let's cut to the third act of this movie we do see the special effects guy buy a motorized car

and that comes to nothing like is that what is that he's buying all sorts of like little things from like a hardware store but so then there's like to get us to the end of this movie there's a fucking Phil Donahue S character who's again local San Francisco Celebrity who's running some like you know shitty sleazy

actually more like a Jerry Springer probably kind of show and so then we see him like come out of his big mansion and he's like going to play tennis and then this like little race car comes up as this guy he backs out of his driveway and then like is sitting in the middle of the road like

slowly adjusting his mirror and we see the killer, like, with this dumb-ass remote-control car, and he drives it under Phil Donahue's car and blows it up, and this dude's murdered. Like, the dark night. What? Like, this all, like, the...

Like, it looks like a little, like, black corvette or something. It's like a little remote control car, but apparently, I can't see it in the scene, but there's like 15 sticks to C4 under it. Yeah. How much explosives could be in this little remote control car? It's amazing.

It's a little remote control car that's able to take out an entire real car. And a whole Phil Donahue. It's amazing. It's the full Donahue. I just got the full Donahue. It reminds me that Batman the Animated Series episode, Beware the Great Ghost. They stole that from this. Which one is that?

There's a guy with remote control cars that drive under people. That's all with Adam West. Oh, interesting. It's a good one. Yeah, I think they also reused it in Grand Theftado. Doesn't it happen in Death Wish 5? I remember a Moat Control car playing something in that, but I have to rewatch that whole series.

Yeah, I don't know. So that happens. So someone's Deadpool list is like getting people really checked off here. The movie is leading us to believe more and more that it's Liam Neeson. RIP, which stands for Rest in Peace, Eric. RIP, rest in peace. Wait. Oh, really?

Yeah, I just cracked that myself. Oh, my God. All right. Yeah, I like to do a little bit of puzzle work on the side. There's a quick scene that means absolutely nothing in this movie where he's like, you mean most of them. Yeah. Well, this one especially, because he's like, I think we have our guy.

Oh, this is my favorite scene in the movie. And so they go downtown and him and Kwan get out of the car. And it's this Vietnam vet throwing gasoline all over himself. And he's like, I better be on the news, Mr. Luther. I'm going to fucking light myself up. And so to talk this guy down, because he will only talk to a news person that he recognizes, Patty Clarkson has to go talk to this dude with Eastwood pretending to be a cameraman. He's a local celebrity.

How do you not notice this? Exactly. It makes no sense. And she's like, no one's going to watch you die today, sir. We're not going to put this on TV. But he even says, like, he knows about the case because he says he's the guy. So you would clearly understand the very high-profile detective. working the case. Yes. Yeah. It's

pretty stupid. I mean, it just kind of happens, and she's like, we're not going to film you, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, you know what? And he kind of drops it. He's got a road flare. He drops it. And, you know, she's like, I want to live. They're talking him down. And he's like, when can I get the headshot? When can I get the head shot?

Wish I could have fit some bullets into this camera. Retrofitted Lucille to this camera. Action. But this guy bursts into flame. He bursts into flames because the gasoline trail rolls onto a flare. He's like got two flares and drops one. It rolls.

This dude sets on fire and an amazing turn of events here. Eastwood just pushes Patty Clarks into the ground and then jumps out of frame and we cut. And a dude who's 45 years younger than Clint Eastwood tackles this guy who's on fire. And then you cut back and it's Clint Eastwood again. He's got a little, like, schmutz on his windbreaker. Yeah. I think it was Lawrence Taylor. Well, what's also great is, like, the shove he gives her was totally unnecessary.

Yeah. She was way too far away from the blast. And she wasn't going to do anything. Yeah. Sorry, I've been waiting to do this all movie. Hoof. It's my fetish. I love to push women to the ground.

And, I mean, again, that comes to nothing. It's got nothing to do with this movie Because this is just a murder she wrote episode With a couple of things peppered in Well like we're patting it to make it like an actual movie With stuff like the mafia thing Because like a few scenes later He's being followed by some dudes

He beats the shit out of him They're like no no no it's not what you think It's not a hit We're your mafia hired bodyguards Because you know what that conversation he had With Gennaro back in prison It really fucking stuck Yeah now all the five families

support Callahan and everything does. It's ridiculous. And now I'm a member of the costranastra. What is it?

Kosanostra. That too. Look, we're going to agree to stay in the olive oil business. We're not going to sell, we're not going to be selling drugs. And Harry Callahan is officially the greatest man who has ever lived.

Oh, and by the way, our boss that was pushing us. around in prison by a flat foot cop he still is our boss because that other guy we totally had him murdered so that threat he set up totally invalid

absurd that's the only scene that they're like hey where you're your bodyguard which is actually kind of a fun little thing to call back ever but yeah those guys like literally help out Callahan at one point or like get murdered by the by the other guy like they you know something like that do something besides take a punch so the big scene the famous scene of this movie is the it's time for it's harry callahan's time to die so the guy is like hey that radio car thing worked out pretty well yeah worked out well the last time might as well repeat the method of murder even though he never does that at any other time in this movie hey kwan you ever see the movie bullet you better buckle up nobody's wearing seatbelts in this scene by

the way. So it's a car, it's kind of, it's a good car chase of, um, but one is a toy car. It's fucking stupid. Why? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So not only is this toy car loaded to the gills with explosives. It can also go, I don't know, this is not really an exaggeration, like 90 miles an hour. Yeah. It's going as fast as Callahan's car because he pulls up and he sees this toy car. And Al Kwan is just like, say, that's pretty silly. Time for a joke. And he's like, no, Kwan, no joking. I've seen this before. Let's get the fuck out of here. Like he puts it together because of the last blast scene, he's like, oh, looks like a tire from a toy car. RIP, rest in peace.

They figured out a way to shrink down a real car. Some crazy scientist is after me. Dude, doesn't Ant Man take place in San Francisco? Yeah. He got fucking Hank Pim on the case. Shrunk that car down. Hank Pim is trying to get me Oh, I'm going to beat the crap out of Michael Douglas At the end of this one

You just wait, Pim, I'm going to beat up your mad scientist ass My blood's boiling So they are running away from this toy car But the amazing thing is this serial killer Who we learn is a schizophrenic nothing You know, this dude named Rook Yeah, who's He is not only driving a real car

to keep the toy car in range. Oh, yeah. But controlling the toy car loaded with the explosive, this guy, I don't know what, he's a genius or what? He's a talented wheelman. I kept thinking that the stuntman or the special effects guy had to be riding shotgun because two people cannot do this. And that's another thing that movies like this would do, right?

It's the old scream thing. It's not a killer. It's killers kind of thing. So yeah, it's this dude rook. And then yet the special effects wizard has to be there, right? He's got to be there. There's no way this dude is driving 90 miles an hour in a real car and also just using his thumb to do the same thing with a toy car. Texting while driving is dangerous.

Driving while driving is even worse. Well, this guy does it. And so, like, he corners him. And this is a bit of bullshit because, like, Callahan tries to speed over the car after it's cornered, and this dude lets it blow. And only, like, the front of the car explodes. Kwan's got, like, shrapnel in his chest. And Dirty Harry is totally full. fine. Again, impervious to any damage. How is he not dead? Yeah, it's ridiculous.

I think it's because he's got the metal exoskeleton. Oh. Terminator? Yeah, he's a Terminator, I think. I'm also a Terminator. Turns out the joke bot was me. I'm T-45. 1845. I came back to 1845 to kill John Conner's great-great-grandfather, which I did, stopping that and ensuring the machines, but I just kind of hung around a detective well, yeah, I hung around until I met Doc Emmett Brown

and I shot him in the back over a matter of $80 that I took his fancy train to the future. So this psychologist comes in like the end of psycho and explains multiple personality disorder Yep. And he's just like, so this guy thinks that he's Liam Neeson and blah, blah, blah, go get this, you know, this big character, Rook. Everybody likes Rook, right? What? Yeah, it's just nobody. And Kwan lives, by the way. He just, you know, he gets some shrapnel. But like, he's like, oh, you know, my partner gave me some pretty good advice about wearing a bulletproof vest. It just might save my life.

Oh, well, isn't that great. Al Kwan lives to see another day. He also got painted symbols on his body as grandfather did. Do we see the grandfather at the end or no? No, no. I don't think so, no. Good time to get a nice little grandfather cameo. I would love it. We've been talking about him the whole fucking movie.

We've been talking about him more than Rook. I want to see him in the background holding a cane cheering. Yeah. You know, like good job. You did it. I agree. I agree. Dirty Harry's like, is that a weapon in his hand?

He's raising. a weapon. And he shoots the dead. Your grandfather tried to assassinate me with his cane so I took him out with a clean headshot. I thought it was a blow gun with a poisonous dart. I was

fighting Chun Lee in the street and he was cheering in the background. So I threw him through a bunch of crates. And then I punched a car till it exploded. Then I kicked his head off. But in my defense I thought he was blank.

Your grandfather looks a little bit like Blanca You can't hold that against me Did he get that a lot before I murdered him Looking like Blanca? I'm sorry, but he should have been wearing a shirt Orange chest hair is only on two people apparently Your grandfather and the aforementioned Blanca Look, no shirt, red chest hair, spewing lightning.

I thought he was on bath salts. Didn't want him to fucking eat me. That Chun Lee's a real piece of shit. Just dace in the corner and kicks. I left that fight. That was making my blood boils. Some good came from the situation because I shot him bison in the head. Thus taking out a whole.

country's leadership. Whatever. So, yeah, it's Rook. And then, of course, it's the end of the movie. So Patricia Clarkson has to get kidnapped. Absolutely. She gets duped because, again, this guy calls the news desk, and he's, like, doing this badly a decent impression.

And he's like, yes, I want to give you the exclusive story about me, the film director. Come down to this abandoned area, and we'll do a scoop. you'll get the whole thing and she's like drooling so she runs to get down there with her cameraman and again and she's talking to him before he's talking spoken to him

Christ she's talking to him yes she knows what Liam Neeson sounds like and she gets duped by this dude's horrendous impression so they're in a fun house or some horseshit it's some yeah it's kind of like the end of um what's that Jean Claude Van Damme movie we did

with Wilford Brimley yeah it's kind of like that it's like where they're keeping a lot of parade floats for some reason. Like, it's a madhouse. And Callahan goes down there and, you know, it's now it's a long, prolonged cat and mouse thing. Callahan gives up Lucille at this point. Oh, that's right. He kicks her away. Yeah. Which is, you know, Lucille wasn't too happy about that. Because he's about to cut her throat. So he goes through his whole like, I'm the villain. This is what the whole movie's been about. And no one could care. Right. No one cares. And do I need like a 10 minute foot chase? Yeah. You know, they're just running around. Just running around this thing. Of course, there's steam everywhere. This dude's, this dude gets Lucille and is firing it at Eastwood. There's something about Foley work for footsteps in the 80s that drives me nuts. It's like that, like, it's super annoying, overly loud.

Like those Kit Kat commercials where everyone's popping the Kit Kat? Oh, oh, man, that sound effect is making my skin crawl. This is like everyone in the 80s in these movies were like tap shoes. bunch of Benverines running away from each other this is the worst possible timing rook I was just on the way to my performance of tap dancing you know my performance of tap dancing

I was going to go do it at that big uh big uh San Francisco theater they must have maybe if I kill you in time I could make the curtain call So Patricia Clarkson, like, gets away. There's, again, an amazing thing where Eastwood, like, throws a chair through a window, and he escapes out of it. And then we cut to this dude.

Hey, Obama, you using this? We cut to this dude 40 years younger than him jumping into this dumpster. It's L.T. again. I think it was his son. Because this dude looks like fucking Clint Eastwood, like, just enough. I was like, is that Scott Eastwood? And so, like, he jumps down and we get to the docks. And this dude's running around with Lucille.

We're doing the whole Batman begins, like, where are you? And then out of the fucking fog comes the most ridiculous thing this franchise has ever seen. Here is Clint Eastwood holding this fucking harpoon gun that Slash had earlier in the movie. And he says, you're out of bullets. And which means it's time to be arrested legally. Exactly. It's time to go to jail forever to pay for your crimes. It's time to me for...

It's time for him to be a police officer. And maybe find out, like, this guy's a serial killer. Chances are, these aren't the only five people he's killed. So there's a bunch of unsolved murders that you could probably get him for. Oh, yeah. And, like, you know, give closure to some grieving families. No, we're letting this thing launch and pinning this dude to a door. Holy shit, this guy gets murdered.

And of course, you know, the cops finally come and they're like, where is the killer? He's like, he's hanging out back there. And by that I mean, I ritualistically killed him. It's some cold-blooded shit because he does this. And if I do that, even as a hard-nosed detective or whatever, I'm like, holy fuck. Like, I really killed that guy. He just slowly walks over, puts the harpoon gun against this shack, picks up Lucille off the ground, stares at this corpse, dead in its cold eyeballs

and flips the gun around and puts it back in his pocket and walks away. Also, you need to keep that gun there because that's what's going to keep you out of the clink. Now it looks like you just shot like an unarmed guy. You know? It's like there's nothing

on this guy. Like what happened? Oh yeah. Don't worry about it. He stole my gun. So I had to use this harpoon gun. But we found your gun back on you. Yeah, yeah. Patty Clarkson will tell you the whole story. I'm just going to walk away from this crime scene. The two of them just walk off into the night together.

Cue that fucking trumpet, by the way. And it's just like just another night. The Bay City. And you're like, how are you walking away from this? This is fucking days of paperwork. Yes. Or at least three tribunals. And that's why there wasn't another movie is because it's the rest of time he's been filling out paperwork.

I just love that people saw this movie And still to this day are like Man, just one more Harry Callahan movie And even Eastwood has said like That's the dumbest thing ever Like why would this guy still be a cop At pushing 90 years old But it's like

Why did you watch the Deadpool and you were like Yeah, I could go for another one Clearly this is out of gas Liam Neeson just comes to nothing He's just out of this movie He vanishes from the movie Why don't instead of like I don't know one of your

the mafia scenes have him get killed you know what I mean like that would be a great scene oh fuck we just lost our main suspect because like Liam Mason's a main suspect through most of the movie or just cut to him and show him fade from existence it's just like another timeline has best been elapsed son of a bitch it's time to slide wasn't he in an alternate title what was that movie where he's doing something Liam Neeson yeah like it's a movie where he doesn't know if he's real

or not unknown unknown that is a bullshit movie movie. He doesn't know. Oh, he doesn't know if he's, no, it's annesia or something. It's one of those like, you don't exist kind of things. And he's like, no, my name is whoever, this is my wife. And the woman's like, what are you talking about? It's another perverted, um, uh, lady vanishes type movie.

Like, I never saw that person before. Like, that's what it. And it's, it's fucking stupid. And the big like, the big like plot thing of the movie is someone has found a way to like, genetically modify corn that's going to like help feed starving nations and it's all like that's really corny it's all it's all it's all a weird like stealing science movie and i don't remember how liam nison's a part of it but yeah unknown is what that yeah i saw it too it's trash would anybody recommend the deadpool it's right on the cusp probably not i need to watch

i do want to watch at least the first one or you know and tweet at me uh and let me know which one's are worth watching. I've never seen any of them. So it's just a knot. It's a little bit light and it kind of comes a lot of things, a lot of balls get dropped that I actually Oh yeah. There's a better movie of this movie that could have existed. Absolutely.

Yeah, I'm in the no camp. You know, I saw the first one and it was pretty good. But like, you know, I'm still not too crazy about these movies, but maybe there's some good ones in there too. Well, you know, I would recommend the first one. I recommend Sudden Impact is a good one.

The Enforcer, that's also a good one. This one, I don't know. I mean, if you're a completest, I would just watch all of them. I would have accepted that four-pack, you know, in place of this five-discs Blu-ray thing I have because it's, you know, you don't need this one. So this is definitely the weakest link. It's definitely, it's the absolute.

It's the absolute worst of the dirty hairy daisy chain. Oh, you're making me hungry, guys. Put some cottage cheese on. that daisy chain and you got yourself a meal. That's how I stay so fit and why I will live until I'm 191 years old. A bunch of daisies

with cottage cheese on top is a California cheeseburger. That's the Deadpool from 1988 directed by Buddy Van Horn. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHM podcast or find us on sideshow.tv.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter, we are at WHM podcast, and of course, right into our mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Okay, clue for next week's episode. I'm going to say one of the greatest

actors of all time. Just one of the greatest actors of all time. Yeah. CERBORCO? Yep. Next week on we hate movies, we're doing Serpico. So until then, when we're definitely talking about Serpico, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Eric Sisko. Steven Seda. Take it easy.