We Hate Movies - S6 Ep222: Thinner

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

On this episode, the 2015 Halloween Spooktacular wraps up as the gang takes a bite out of the lame Stephen King (or should we say Richard Bachman?) adaptation, Thinner! Why wasn't Stephen King's character cursed as well? We get the motivation for the Thinner curse, but what inspired Lizard? And why did we need that dream sequence? PLUS: The gang gets ripped at a New Jersey Medieval Times. Thinner stars Robert John Burke, Joe Mantegna, Kari Wuhrer, and Lucinda Jenney; directed by Tom Holland. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Check all the crowd of holly La la la la la la la la la We're so excited to be jolly La la la la la la Hey gang big news in the world of We Hate Movies live appearances In this one Well you better get your holiday code on

Because it's not happening until December We're so excited It's actually a hometown show for this Jersey boy Only you Jersey City's beautiful White Eagle Hall We hosting the We Hate Movies podcast and we're going to be talking about a Christmas movie. Eric Siska, what is that movie?

Oh, my God. It is the Santa Claus, the original film. I don't know. Is it original? Yeah, it's original. The first one. Tim Allen, yes. Binds a fat so false office roof.

Yep. We're going to be talking all about it on December 7th, which is a day that will live in infamy at the White Eagle Hall. I mean, incidentally lives in infamy. We're just into the side of it. We're adding to the infamy. Yeah, it's more infamy because this will be our debut in Jersey City. And this is what it's come down to, folks.

Steve Sadek, refusing to get on planes, refusing to get a driver's license to help out with rent a cars. I refuse to get on a train for this show. I'm fucking walking. I got to walk to the venues. I guess this is the new normal gang only wherever Steve's legs can carry you. But it's an awesome venue and it's really close to the train. If you're in the city or if you want to drive in from Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania wherever.

Right. The path train's not too far. A stone's throw away. A stones throw, folks. Come on out to the White Eagle Hall. That's right. Tickets are on sale now. So get them in advance.

Get them fast. This is going to be a popular show. December 7th White Eagle Hall, Jersey City, New Jersey. Tickets available right now at WHMpodcast.com. It's Christmas time again. It's time to be nice to the people you can't spin. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Cisca.

Steven Seda. And we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes. That is better. The building. They're at the door. They're coming in.

It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos for creative. It's an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Welcome to what is the final episode of the 2015 Halloween Spooktacular.

This week, we're venturing back to King Country. It's 1996's thinner, directed by Tom Holland. I think we're back in Bachman Lake, actually. This is a Bachman. It was a Richard Bachman movie book. Oh, really? This was the last one that he got, published before someone blew the whistle on Bachman, which like this scene, I was always

under the impression that Bachman was more sci-fi than not. And this is clearly like, eerie, paranormal fairy tale nonsense. Well, maybe this movie just hated women so much. He's like, you know what, it's a Bachman. I just can't be, it's got to be a Bachman. All the, all the things about the Romani and the women and the fat people, it did Bachman it. Yeah, I think that It's what Stephen King's trying to avoid letters. Did I hit that guy? I'm going to leave a note as Richard Bachman. But I hit that car.

Sorry, Richard Bachman hit your car. The weird story about Richard Bachman that's kind of funny is that the picture on the book jackets was like a picture of his agent's, like, lawn guy or something or plumber or some nonsense. I hope you got a big check for that. I'm sure they paid it. Well, you've got to pay for the silence, too. Right. Maybe they killed him. That's a good, like, Stephen King type of story.

First, I'm going to use your picture for my gnome to plume. Then we're going to murder you, clickety-clack. Looks like Richard Bachman killed himself. You stole my face. I didn't get you pregnant. Richard Bachman got you pregnant. I didn't not pay these taxes. Richard Bachman didn't pay these taxes.

Oh man. So this is the movie, of course, where a fat guy gets a romany curse put on him, and he starts thinning out. And by the way, from the clue from last week, I mean, we have been making the thin air joke for like so long, right? Here's the thing. And this is a classic case of memories just playing pranks on you. I remembered it as the old woman doing the thin air. Oh, really? No, I always remembered this old man. He kind of looks like Tom Wilkinson. with this long white hair. Do you know who this dude is, though? He's my big fat Greek dad. Yeah, he's the sequel, the unofficial sequel. He's my big fat Greek weddings, big fat Greek dad. Yeah, that's right. Man, that's a TV show that the entire series fits on one DVD.

My big fat Greek life. My big fat Greek mistake, man. That, that fucking... That's about the financial crisis, right? I think that's like a thrown away joke from the Daily Show, like a Daily Show graphic. They were like, nah, that's stupid. But you know what? On we hate movies, it's gold.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, Eric. A note about the episode. Yeah. There is going to be some talk about, we like to say Romani here at We Hate Movies. Which is Bachman does not like to say Romani. No. He likes to use the old word gypsy. And I mean this movie is rotten with it

Not saying it in the one talking about this movie It's like talking about Star Wars and not saying Jedi You know what I mean? It's everywhere I think if you did a word count on this screenplay Your computer would blow up Like how many times do they say it in this In this screenplay final draft

The computer just fizzles out Oh let me try a second one The word bitch man This is an angry ass movie He again just has a bone to pick with certain people. And, I mean, he's never been great with handling women in his work. And, I mean, this is like a prime example.

Every woman's a bitch. You're either an old bitch, a fat bitch, a bitch, a bitch. It's outrageous. A half lizard bitch? No, that's an easy guy. You get the double, the gypsy. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, left right and whatever, man. I don't want to say those two together. Richard Bachman might emerge. I'm not racist against the Romani. He's got to relax to grind. Geez, who would ever think to buy his books? It's just a bunch of hate speech.

So the fat guy, Richard Stephen King voted for Obama, but Richard Bachman voted for McCain. Let's just say Richard Bachman really liked what McCain was going to do for his tax situation. So the fat guy is played by Robert John Burke. You guys probably know him mainly from SVU. He plays the IAB douchebag who's always given Mariska and company trouble.

Oh yeah, whenever they murder people in the open street and he's like, hey, that's maybe not a good idea. Or when Danny Pino's character used to come in and just beat the shit out of people left and right. Yeah, he'd come in and be like, you know, there's a real problem down here at your precinct delivery. So it's him. He also famously, he was the second person ever to play Robocop. He, Robocop 3. Robocop 3, the one where he flies. And we'll just say we're all purchased college alums here.

Robert John Burke, Purchase College alum, represent. Actually, my favorite performance of his is in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Yes. Small role. He's a guy that's like yelling at the people not to curse on the TV show and stuff. Oh, is that him? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.

And it's a long drive. Just you and me. He's a heavy, which, you know, it's a, I mean, no pun intended in this movie. But, like, he's a great heavy, like a great dark dude to have in your movie or television show. Yeah. And, you know, it's nice to have a SUNY Purchase alum that actually went to the college. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Wesley Snipes. I don't know, I haven't Steve Renn as easy or whatever, that guy.

Oh, geez, that guy. You know, here's the thing. You lie about being in 9-11. Okay, that sucks. But why would you lie about going to a state-sponsored art college? What in the shit is wrong with you? What the fuck? It's not exactly, Juilliard.

Yeah, we, I mean, look, we had a great four years there. We hate movies would not exist without Purchase College, but why on earth would anybody lie that they went there? And you know, as a Sunni purchased survivor, I'm very offended by this. So am I. Because here's the thing. You go to Purchase, man, you come out of there alive,

your purchase, your purchase for life. Fuck you for lying about being purchased, you piece of shit. I don't watch that show anyway, but what an asshole. And the 9-11 thing is also reprehensible. But fuck you about lying about purchase.

Also, who could possibly care? What? How could that ever help you? How in the world does that move your status as a struggling actor at the time or whatever? Yeah. Well, maybe it was a thing where they're like,

my God, purchase alum and 9-11 survivor, cast him, cast him. What a horrible life. he's had. Apparently, he lived on the streets till he was seven. Just took a little bit from Oliver Twist there. Put that in the old bio. I stole from Oliver Twist.

What else is fake, right? Yeah. What else is fake? He might not even be real. He might not have to be Italian. I really doubt he doesn't look at. Yeah, he might be Romani. I think we need to do a paternity test on this fellow.

To determine whether or not he's Italian. To see if that father was Italian. Oh, I see. Well, you do that Ancestry.com thing, $99 bucks. They'll tell you where you're from. Every drop of blood in you, they'll tell you where it's from. My brother did it, and it turns out we're from the dumpster. So this movie starts off.

This guy's a lawyer. By the way, we're back in Devil's Advocate territory. He's a Scuzzy defense attorney. Because those people don't, no one in this country deserves to be defended, just in case you're wondering. Nope, none at all. So he's looking out the window. He sees like, you know, the caravan of folks coming in. It's like entertainers.

They're there to put on a circus, basically. We're not in Maine, right? Because we're in Connecticut. It's set in Connecticut. Very strange for it. It's shot in Maine, I think I read. Yeah, it's shot on location in Maine, but we're setting it in Connecticut. How could I have written it?

It's set in Connecticut. It's telltale Bachman set in Connecticut. Was the running man set in Connecticut? Oh, New Haven's gone really downhill. all. Well, no, there's a bunch of, where's the town in Connecticut where there's a bunch of TV things, like ESPN, WWE, like they're all in one, Stanford, maybe? Yeah, Stanford. Maybe that's what, there's a TV station and running man. Yeah. Maybe it's there. I think it is. I think we cracked it. Hey, you know what, Eric, case closed. So, yeah, he's, what's, what's the trial. Oh, it's a mafioso. He's, like, the beginning of the movie, he's sitting around the table with his wife and his daughter. Oh, this daughter, by the way. What an annoying presence. Well, they're. both doing like what it's kryptonite to me which is bad uh vito corleone impressions oh absolutely and it's just like the the worst brando you'll ever brando your life because like the the wife is like i can't believe you're representing this scum-sucking mobster by the way you know whatever they

mr mafia or whatever they call me yeah it no it's literally and that's like the most like overused italian name you'll see in movies whenever there's a mafia i don't know genelli or whatever of the fuck. It's like, I think it's honestly a toss up between Janelli and Janaro. Oh, yeah, Janaro. Those are the two. So it's Janelli in this movie, played by Chas Palmentary. No. Played by Joe Mantania. I always mixed them two up. I never won't mix up

Chaz Palmetry and Joe Mantania. Wow. Once Fat Tony and why isn't. I know. And so Joe Montania is Fat Tony. Fat Tony is in this movie. Yes. You know, they killed him off on The Simpsons. Speaking of who could possibly care. Exactly. Moving on. I really, I did not know that.

Yeah, he's dead. He had a heart attack or something. Oh, whatever. It's just like, the idea of killing off characters on that show is just dumb. Remember Maude Flanders? Yeah, and how is it that Homer never got sent up on like involuntary manslaughter charges? That's his fault that she's dead. They should have at least had like a courtroom episode.

Yeah, because he shot her with a T-shirt gun and she fell off the bleachers and died. No, he ducked. They were shooting. Oh, he ducked? Is that what it was? Yeah, yeah. He used the one of ducks and then. Oh, see, the phony memories again, man.

It's weird. But we know from that, what, Lollapalooza episode that he could take a cannonball to the gut. Exactly. Ducking was a bogus move, man. Does it? Now that I'm remembering it, though, isn't the gag, like he spots something? Yeah, like a penny or something. Yeah, like, ooh, a Dorito and bends over.

We should make a, like, remembering the Simpsons podcast. So we try to piece together an episode. So, yeah. So Gennaro, Joe Montagnas. Ginelli. Oh, Janelli. See? He's on trial for being in the mafia.

Yeah, they got him. And it's a classic case of, like, Robert John Burke's character has convinced this dude to, like, come in and he's going to testify. Yeah. But it's, it's that surprise testimonial where he's, like, convinced the dude to lie on the stand, you know. Oh, I didn't, you know, it wasn't him. It was whoever else. Well, no, he says, like, have you, his name is, whatever the hell the guy's name is. And he's like, you're, you know, Mr. Janelli here is being accused of putting a contract out on your life.

Could you let me know if anyone else has ever put a contract out on your life? He's like, uh, yeah, my wife. And it's like this weird thing where this guy's had multiple contracts put on his life. Is that why Joe Montania gets off? Yes, because everyone's like, well, everybody wants this guy dead? So therefore it's okay. Yes. Oh, well, the whole town wants you dead.

And also, what is this Italian mobster doing in this sleepy Connecticut town? Not much. As we see later at the movie, he's not doing much in the way of the town. Like, who are you shaking down? The fucking farmer's market? That's what it must be. He's a really low timer, I think. Seriously.

He's big time for the area. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, then we cut to them, like, celebrating on this boat. Yeah. Or whatever. And, you know, here's our hero just wolfing down.

Of course it's pasta. Yes. He's eating like a pot of pasta. On a boat, by the way, throw up sitting. That is not boat food. No, it's not. I don't think anyone before or since has eaten pasta on a boat. It's just this guy doing it in this movie.

And I was getting seasick. And I'm very good on boats, but that was disgusting. It's hot dogs or nothing else. Really? That's it? Just hot dogs? That's your only boat food? I guess they had to do like stereotypical Italian.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Do sausage and peppers on a roll, man. A chicken parm sandwich? Now we're talking. Now I'm getting hungry. They do an annoying thing in this scene or around this scene, and the character pops up one other time. Joe Montania's got, like, his mama, who's with him.

And it's a woman who looks exactly like Martin Scorsese's mother, who, like, had the cameo in Goodfellas and several other Martin Scorsese movies. And it's like, Mama, get over it. And I'm like, why are we doing this? The weird thing is, though, there's no other Mawkes. He is, Joe Montania is the mafia in this movie. I am the mafia. And the best, and this is like something that I've always wanted,

which is to get in good with the mob boss. And he's like, hey man, I owe you one. And I'm like, ooh, man, that's, that's good living right there. And that's what this is. It's like, you got me off. And now we are going to be best friends forever. And Robert John Burke's like, whatever, just keep this pasta coming. It is ridiculous fat suit.

Right. It's such a fat. suit man it looks so so fake it really does it's that's the thing is this movie is hilarious from start to finish it is a slaper and i mean before he goes out to his pasta cruise dude he would buy a ticket dude he hops on the ss olive garden oh my god speaking of disgusting uh he weighs himself oh right and it's he gets he's up to 300 pounds or whatever. And he's just like,

oh, whoopsie, daisy. Well, the best thing, he's got, and, you know, when he notices the Romani, so he gets him off and then like the next day he goes to his office, which is right near the courthouse, and the Romani caravans

coming in, and he's got what I would like to call a walking bag of Doritos, you know what I mean? It's the bag of Doritos that gets him from the office to the car where there is another bag of Doritos. known as the car Doritos and look I've been there you know what I mean oh yeah you got an afternoon you know we're not we're not you know we're gonna talk about romani's and fat guys but you know

we've all walked a mile on those fat guy shoes oh absolutely we can say fat guy full disclosure on the drive home to record this episode I had to get gas I also bought a bag of jerky and ate it in the car it was a small hundred calorie bag but it was a bag of gas station jerky. You gotta do what you gotta do. So you know what? Permit for the fat jokes acquired. You rented it. But, so he's just walking out this bag of Doritos and he goes to the judge and he's like, ah, what's their problem? And he's like,

and this is when the judge, the judge is the most racist character of all says. I thought you see what's going on here. We've been invaded by a bunch of healthy tips. I don't know, judge. They kind of bring a little fun with him. They bring disease, crime, and prostitution. What kind of fun is that? As if this dude has experienced this thing, like, once every summer, these people come through town?

No, they don't repeat locations. And first of all, a roaming band of this circus-style Romani people, they're not going around America that much. You don't see them that often, right? No, no, you don't. As a kid, I was convinced they were out there, though. Oh, yeah? Yeah. This is a true life story now.

You know, I actually, I grew up... In Bangor, Maine. Might as well. Middle of nowhere, dirt road, can't see your neighbors. Sounds like fucking paradise. Several generations of a family under one roof. People dating back to the 1800s, all right? Holy Toledo.

Yeah. Yeah, they lived long and they died hard. But now just picturing, like you send the elderly members of the Cisco clan out into the woods to fight. wolves and if you're too old the wolf wins and that's nature. I'll tell you what, my great grandmother with her babushka and all

was double the man I am. I wish I had some sipping whiskey for this story. Oh yeah, this is a pull up a stool. So, to try to get me to behave as a child, were you a real rambunctious youth? A little bit, yeah. I'll

run around, cause some heck. So they used to threaten me by like if you don't behave we are going to sell you to the gypsies oh man i know this is a terrible thing and i don't condone that message but i would actually have dreams of like picturing them coming down the road to get me you know do they look like the thinner romani yeah they were you know yeah yeah you're stereotypical i mean yeah i actually in my visions i saw a guy with a tambourine i don't know Were you too afraid to see this movie as a kid?

No, here's the thing is I then, after that, I saw this as a kid, and I think it influenced those nightmares. Oh, yeah, Jesus. You're the only person to be scared by this movie, I think, is the idea. Yeah, you got one, Richard Bothman. Walk into my spider's web, Eric. So he goes out for a cell. That seat is planted.

Also, we get introduced to the main Romani. daughter or granddaughter, Carrie Wur of Sliders fame, by the way. She was in Sliders. I believe she's in that movie that I remember being good, but possibly not. I think she's in it. The Salton Sea with Kilmer. Is she in that movie? I don't remember.

She's done a lot of bad sci-fi and stuff, too. Sliders. So she comes in later. He goes out to a celebratory dinner with his wife. And his wife's got this computer Excel program. program where she's tracking his weight. Oh, on her big boxy laptop, by the way. It's a great 90s nostalgia. Just the old ladies busted his hump to, you know, get him down from 300 pounds. Well, let me say this. Here's how you know it's probably a good idea to really buckle down and start losing some weight. When literally everyone you encounter in your day-to-day activities, whether it's your boss, a judge in a town, your wife,

a mafia hit man okay any of these people are constantly joking and remarking about how much you eat every scene of this movie is based like if you boiled it down and Google translate it stopped being a fat pig

everywhere all these people are probably getting Dorita dust in their face honey do you know how much furniture you ruin with all this Dorita does he's just breathing cool range he goes both ways man Cool Ranch and nacho cheesier. Oh, and that's where you know...

Just like me. That's where you know, there's a problem, though. I feel like if you can settle on one of the two major Dorito flavors, and I'm not talking about, you know, Thai chili and all those delicious, you know, bonus Doritos we have after Y2K. What we call bonus Doritos. By the way, if someone from this corporation's listening, please sponsor the show. Oh, my God.

Get in contact with sideshow. Doritos, we will plug you until the kingdom come. But the main two Doritos, nacho cheese and cool ranch. There was a time where you just could choose one. And that meant you were in control. If you went both ways with Doritos,

you had a problem with eating Doritos. Me, I was a cool ranch guy. Didn't go near the nacho cheese. It tasted like puked to me. Really? But did you swing also Cool Ranch? Yeah, I had a little bit of a problem. I was a little bi-curious too.

That's the problem with contemporary Doritos, man. There's just too many delicious eyes. options um but the other thing it's we're in baby cakes country here too because oh yeah like he doesn't eat like an overweight person he eats like a thin person trying to convey what an overweight person might might do right because he's like he's like comically eating like there's no way that someone who's having could just eat controlled measured bites it has to be yeah like everything he's getting like slimer this whole fucking time he's eaten well listen he's got four hot dogs in his hand three or

in his mouth and one's fallen to the floor and he doesn't even notice. That is what you call slimer eating. This episode's brought you in part by Rocket Money and they have this question for you. They handed to me just now, Mr. Rocket just handed me this. Do you know how much

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This show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough.

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But they're at this dinner. It's, of course, a thing, too, because they're, like, mildly high up in society, kind of a thing. You know, you know, the boss is like, remember dinner at the club tonight? As far as I can tell from this exterior establishing shot, the club is just a barn that they converted into a restaurant. That's New England for you, I guess. I think that might be like a clan club or something. I mean, well, there's all white people there, so you never know. Talking a lot of smack about the, you know what, the Romani.

But this is, I mean, this would be humiliating for anybody. And this is what I don't understand, is this guy just, he either doesn't hear it or he hears it and he doesn't care. But, like, they just finish up this dinner. And you can tell it's a thing where the other three people is just two couples at the table. The other three people have finished eating long ago. And he's just getting every little morsel of food off that table. and then this hilariously large dessert truck comes around and the guy's like look out there tubby and the wife stands up and she's like no no no we have to get out of here no come on get up let's go let's go and

I'm just like oh my god that's humiliating I can't imagine if I was at a table and my wife was like Andrew get up don't look at the don't look at the dessert cart just keep walking don't look back I would be fucking humiliated and he's just laughing he doesn't care because he knows that's what he wants He's an animal. It's like I envy him. And I'm like embarrassed and sad for him. It's unbelievable. One thing that's weird about this movie that they don't get into is, was he always this big?

Was he always a big guy? Was he like skinny in college? I don't know. Like a thing where like maybe his mom died and this is how he's coping. Like, who knows? Right. They never get into that. Yeah.

That's a characterization you might want. I just assumed that he was always a little chubby. and then recently he's gone really off the deep end for the past couple of years that it's become a problem. Well, maybe it's because ever since he took on the mafia as a client, you know, that's a very stressful gig. That's a lot of garlic bread.

You're carboloading, man. Oh, you think he's getting paid in pasta? I do. They're like, Billy, you got to stop working pro foodo, okay? Come on. So his wife, they're driving back for this nice little dinner. Oh, here we go. classic Bachman coming up

Yeah classic Bachman in quotation marks We see who's pulling the strings there Stephen King Pulling something And you know his wife's like Do you think about food all the time And he's like yeah I do I love food She's like well maybe I'll make you think about something else And she starts like fiddling down there

And he turns into a distracted driving situation All right it's a roadhead situation Yeah sure He is being filleted while driving a car and now can I just jump in with the first time I saw this movie I was friends with a kid in grade school whose mother was very

liberal about what we got at the video store sure and but it was always a group watching experience what was her Dorito policy she alright with it or did she just pick one flavor I don't know what the Dorito policy was but we ate a lot of pizza at that house and it was as many

pieces of pizza as I want that ain't bad it was one of those like it's a converted basement where the kids hung Suburbia kind of a thing. So we were just watching movies, man. So I remember we rented this movie and watching thinner and it's like, you know, whatever, it's thinner. It's not that great. Even as like a kid, I was like, this is kind of boring. This is the guy that did The Shining, right? Why is this stupid? You know, as like a, you know, dumb kid. And so all of a sudden this dude starts getting blown and dude, classic move.

The mom just goes, I don't think so. fast forwards. I didn't even know there was a car accident. She missed the whole thing because she was fast flirting over the blow job. Well, the thing is she should realize this is a Bachman job, but this is a crucial scene to the film. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is like when you're laying out your screenplay, right? Like, oh, minute 27, got to get that blow job in. It's a turning point of the film. It's in Robert McKee's big book.

Save the cat, man. It's save the, you know. Save the crotch. And it's like, she stops and she comes up for air and is like, do you like this? Do you like this more than hot dogs? And he's like, just, uh, just keep going. And it's like back down for more. And it's like, I shouldn't have to watch this for this long. No.

And it goes on. The best cut of the movie is cut from Roadhead right to Stephen King. You know why? Because it's brought to you by. Oh, yeah. Yep. So Bachman himself has opted to be in this film. And credited as Stephen King.

Playing Mr. Bangor, by the way. Did you read the trivia for this movie? You know why he's playing Mr. Bangor? Why is that? Because Stephen King lives in Bangor, Maine. Oh, how about that? What a useful piece of trivia. Yeah.

And it's like, yeah, he's playing like a pharmacist. And like an elderly couple from the Romani family come in to get like some sort of prescription filled or something. And this woman is like, Papa, I'm going to go get something from the car or whatever. it is. She walks outside She's in her 70s or whatever. Yeah. I mean, well, they say she's in her 70s. She looks like a zombie because that's what we're doing with the makeup in this movie. Sure. And

you know, here comes, you know, jolly old fat guy getting his knob polished and I mean, runs over this woman. Like hardcore, you know, Gallagher watermelon situation. It's pretty fun. Driving while getting oral sex is worse

than drinking seven whiskeys. Getting oral sex. is distracted driving. Who is that? That's a Werner Herzog. I thought you were doing the cursor. No, it'll open the door for all sorts of curses. If you're texting while driving, if you're drinking while driving, if you're getting oral sex while driving.

I mean, he's not wrong. No, he's not. Driving with a bear in your backseat is also very dangerous. especially when doing so around the mouth of a volcano I can't remember the name of that short but it's the one where he goes to like a volcano that it's about to erupt and all these people

like refuse to leave the village because it's their home it's a fantastic movie that was what I was referencing with my lame driving around the mouth of a volcano joke so anyway this woman's dead oh yeah she gets punted D-O-A and so like

the dude runs out and it's like he's the father you know and he's freaking out and whatnot. Cut to, we're having like a trial, but it's not a trial because there's just a bunch of scumbags in this town. Like, this dude should be getting sent down the river

and it's not happening. Well, it's New England. You know, they, yeah, they got a problem with some. We're going to have to enact our Teddy Kennedy policy. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, whatever, dude. That guy's a murderer. I'll say, and I hope he hears it right down in hell. You hear that. that teddy hell of a legislator though yeah oh yeah i mean that's the problem did a lot of good killed that girl i was a lion on the bench and behind the wheel well behind the wheel i was like a reckless blind lion

and but it's a it's a finding really it's not a trial they're like oh you know you want to see if there's enough evidence to prosecute and both uh the pharmacist doesn't see shit one more stephen king dialogue oh right yeah he definitely he testifies that like oh you saw them run out of the store right towards the road and and stephen king's like yeah they were stealing yep because i but they weren't right no they were not everyone in this movie's got a fucking agenda against these people dr bangor deserves a curse well i mean i think that this is more like that was an improvised line he had the bachman going in his brain he's like i can get these guys one more time yeah they were stealing in my store they could Tom Holland calls cut. He's like, sorry, Tom. I don't know what came over me.

Sounds like a keeper, though. But actually, Eric, you're right, though, because the whole thing is this dude goes around and puts curses on everyone who's responsible for the death of his daughter. So it's a, whatever his name is, Billy, Billy, whatever, driving the car. And then the judge who's like, yeah, that's cool. And then the guy who was, what's his face on Seinfeld? Yeah, Kruger. This is what I wasn't able to figure out. What is that dude's involvement in this?

Oh, he kicked him out of the town. Well, yeah, he's also the cop and he says... Oh, he was on the scene? Yeah, he testifies that he gave Billy a breathalyzer test and that he wasn't drinking. Oh, I see. But he actually didn't give him a test whatsoever. Right.

Even though he actually wasn't drinking, it's just to help get the case wrapped up, I guess. Right, but so then you're right, though. Dr. Bangor, Stephen King should be also getting a car purse put on him. Oh, that'd be great. Maybe it's that that happens in Creep Show and he turns into a tree or whatever the hell. Medial. Yes. Or you just walk up to Stephen King and touch his face and go,

Bachman. Oh, Jody Verrick, you did it again, you longhead. And now he morphs into that landscaper that they took the photo of. Oh, no, I'm poor. Yeah, so they rush him out Free of all charges and whatever And then we get the titular curse which is thin Right

He just kind of bumps into him in the street And gives him a nice little cheek pet Yeah, it's like the old like cheek caress And then he's gone Which I mean, you know, compared to some of the spells You see cast in movies Yeah, pretty efficient Thiener

You just in and out One word Should we mention what the other curses are while we're here. Oh, absolutely. So, apparently with the judge. Yeah. Lizard. Man, lizard. Oh, my God. And it's like, I understand this dude's, you know, idea for the thinner curse. It's an ironic twist. Yeah, here's a morbidly obese, man. Thin and a head. What a, lizard? I mean, what, what are you doing? Was he wearing, like, you know, alligator's shoes or what's the, what's the genius behind that?

He's just naming animals, because the cop gets one to. I forget what exactly it is. They never say what the word is. I'll tell you what it is, though. I figured it out. Elephant. Because he turns into like John Merrick of the elephant man. Yeah, half of his body he's got like elephant titus of the arm,

but like his head is just like looking like a bunch of popped zits. I don't know what's going on. And he's got like he's got a twilight zone upper lip too. Maybe that's what he says. Oh, he's turning it into the pig man. Thirling. man if you turned into Rod Sterling what it would be is like that dude like shrinks

two feet and smokes six packs of cigarettes a day and you die a lung cancer at 50 whatever dude he lived Rod Serling lived fast and died hard yeah sure did um so yeah cut to a couple days later

he's losing weight and he's like eating like a freaking pig like this is when he really starts doing it like yeah the the acting is just like shoving stuff in his mouth it's disgusting it is and you know listen here's the thing this movie is kind of like barely a movie because a lot of it is just scenes like this where he's like he doesn't know what's going on so he's just eating and eating and it's basically like a 45 minute montage of him losing weight but constantly eating and it's like it's like he says dumb as Homer Simpson and he doesn't get that something's up for so long because he's just like I don't know marge I just keep eating and eating and eating and eating and I've lost 40 pounds. He's losing up to like four pounds a day.

Yeah. Problem. Yeah. I mean, that's a problem if you lose probably four pounds in a week. That's a little too fast. There's a great moment. It's just like, it's not acknowledged, but it's an awesome piece of production design in this movie. Where he like walks into the kitchen and there's the wife on the old 1996 laptop and she's like,

you know, what do you weigh now? And he's like, oh, $2.50, whatever. So she's doing all the calculations. Did you guys notice on like the kitchen counter? there are seven different bags of potato chips. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're just chips, chips, man. And it's not just Doritos.

You've got potato chips in there. Regular lays. I didn't see any pretzels. It's just chips. Tortia and potato. You've got to be a lawyer to afford this amount of chips. This is an absurd amount of chips. And it's pre-C Costco, so it's not even like that box with all the little bags of chips in it.

It's like just a bunch of bags of chips. It's really weird. My favorite part of this whole sequence is, goes to the club, right? He goes to play golf with his buddies. And apparently this guy, like this other guy, like maybe he's a rival lawyer or something, is really giving him a ribbing about that old lady he killed a couple of days ago. You know what I mean? Like, we're just, you know what? We're a bunch of powerful white guys on the golf course laughing about vehicular manslaughter. And he's like, hey, hey, Tom, kiss my fat ass. And it's like, well,

no, you, aren't you like a little fucking pissed about this? Like, you know what I mean? Like, even if you claim no whatever, no fault. Right. You've got to be like, you know, what man a lady died exactly and that's and that's what's annoying and it's like on my car or under it it makes you hate this character's guts because like right after it happens he's like seemingly really concerned and you're like well all right yeah naturally you're bummed out you killed this person but the reality is he's really just nervous about how much heat's getting on him because once he's cleared yeah we're just making jokes about kiss my fat rump and he's like slapping his ass on the golf course and it's like oh the protagonist of this movie doesn't

He doesn't care that he murdered a woman while he was getting roadhead. He's just concerned about getting off. He got off. So now everything's a big fucking joke. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on a second. When he crashed that car, did he get off? You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, what was the finishing situation? I need to know that. You know what I'm saying? I do understand what you're saying. I caught it. I think it's a thing where if you murder someone with your car, you're going to instantly lose that erection. Yeah, I would hope so. Or conversely, you'll, you know, maybe that's the thrill you needed in your marriage.

What is this, a David Cronenberg movie now? I could, you know what? I'd be totally fine if it went that way. So would I, because then there would be a movie here. Maybe that's his new fetish is like he's having sex with his wife. And she has to like, at some point she can't tell him when. It's put up an old lady puppet and put her into his face. And he goes, oh.

And that's it. That's the way. Honey, that's not enough. We're going to actually have to kill someone tonight. Let's go to the old folks home, see who's got dementia. Dude, speaking of things that are gross, this movie. Yeah, well, after all the golfing that's going on, all these dudes head back to the showers. Yeah.

And so here is this actor, Robert John Burke, in this fat suit. And it's now, it's a shirtless fat suit. It's a wet fat suit, too. Yeah, it's, oh, man, it's so gross. And it just reminded me of fat bastard. Yeah. And how much I fucking hate that goddamn Austin Powers movie. sure but that's he's just like he's kind of it's weird i think it was a thing where they were like

now robert this thing's going to be getting wet and you can't really touch it when it gets wet and he was like but i'm supposed to be showering how is it going to realistically look like i'm showering and the director was like well you could just kind of gently rub your nipples a little bit because that's all he's doing it he's like showering and he's like uh i've kind of started losing weight rubbing my man boobs meanwhile this elderly judge is really giving himself a thorough showering. Oh, yeah. Man.

Well, he started turning into a reptile. This is... I wish. But this is like taking a shower with your boss,

man. There's a lot of dicks out. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I don't think that's... What is this? The Middle Ages?

Also, do you need to shower after golf? It's not... It's not football. One of the biggest laughs in this movie is when he said that he golfs for exercise.

Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, come on. You know what? You're driving out of a little cart. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's driving that golf cart for sure. Surprised didn't hit anyone.

Does he have the carted do you think? What's the deal? I think he does. Maybe that's where he gets to sweet chili. He's got those with a golf cart. It's a golf cart only situation. I was honestly surprised he wasn't eating on the golf course. I really was.

Because he got that cart. You can fit a cooler on there, a big old picnic basket, right on the back of it next to your club bag. You get a couple club sandwiches go? I'm getting hungry right now. I'm so hungry talking about all this food. You guys are getting hungrier. I'm getting more Romani.

So this guy's turning into a lizard, right? Which is like, here's my problem. Like, let's really do it. Let's really like, maybe he's got to get a slithery tongue. Maybe he's going to get a tail. It's just psoriasis, like, really bad. Exactly. That's the only peak of it that we get outside of a dream sequence,

which we'll get to, which is the cheap. thing ever in this movie. Yeah. But, yeah, he calls on one of his doctor buddies. And he's like, could you come take a look at this? Well, I'm nude in the shower. And the guy's like, well, yeah, sure. I'll go over and look at you in the shower.

Small town. Small shower. And he's just, like, got like a little patch of lizard on his tummy. And the guys just like, oh, your exima's flaring up again. I was like, look closer. That's clearly reptile scales. Like, it's not red like eczema is. It's just green lizard skin.

It's disgusting. I just wrote my own little Richard Bachman story. Small town shower. Yeah. You know what? You want to scare the bejesus out of me. Throw me naked in a small town shower. Right?

You know, I would think I'm in some type of a jigsaw situation. So at one point, like his doctor buddy, like they're getting concerned because they're like, all right, you don't have cancer. You don't have a tapeworm. We don't know. while you're losing weight, we're going to send you to this clinic. The Glassman Clinic. And so he goes there, and these people are, like, all too excited to have him at this clinic and, like, run all these experiments on him and whatnot.

It comes to nothing. He leaves, like, instantly. They're like, where are you going? He's like, I'm going to get takeout. He's like, okay. He's very clearly like, no, you're not going to solve my curse. Right, yeah. Oh, yeah.

At this, I mean, yeah, by this point in the movie, he sort of deduced, like, I think that dude cursed me nobody believes them the other thing by the way that we have to mention now because the seed is planted sort of early on in this movie

he totally starts to despise his wife because he blames the wife giving the blowjob as the cause of this whole thing and so he's like yeah I got this fucking thinner curse on me

and that bitch doesn't have anything see I think we all assume it's because of the roadhead situation but maybe it's because God damn bitch She wouldn't let me stay there And have some of that dessert cart Oh he's mad about the cake

I think he's mad about the cake The cake that got away The cake that got away Someone else ate that whole fucking cake Lorraine No I had to kill that woman I could have killed that cake If you let me stay and eat that fucking cake

She would have crossed the street Way before we got there Yeah Also the other thing is the most misogynistic Light of the movie Is she's like There aren't any gypsy curses Tom and she runs out

the room like, what was I just giving myself a blowjob then? It's like, dude, wow. I'd love to see that, fat, so. Also, you know, these lawyers should be more aware that these people coming through their town possess supernatural powers.

Yes. You got to get a permit if you possess supernatural powers. At the start of the movie, there's that whole like, hey, Billy, why don't you go give that lady down there a quarter to show her butt? Or, No, show her to lift up her skirt. This is outrageous.

And she, like, kind of hears it maybe. That's the thing is, like, I don't know because later in the movie, she gets very easily duped. And it's like, the first part of the movie. Really easily duped. You're supposed to believe that she's a mind reader, right? Because there's, it's, it's, it's, she's kind of an ex-man. Yeah, Billy and the boss are staring out the window at the law firm. And they've set up shop and they're like, you know, doing shows and magic tricks and whatever.

And Carrie Wors out there just, you know, being a. 1996, Carrie were, you know, and the guy's like, like a piece of that, blah, blah, blah. And then, like, the movie definitely tells you that she can hear them because she turns around and pulls her skirt up and, you know, is just like teasing them. She even shows them a quarter later and then flips Billy off. Yeah, so it's like.

Full wear, what happened? Yeah, so keep in mind, she supposedly has like telepathy or like superhearing or whatever it is. Billy's like, oh, yeah, I want a piece of that too. And then cut to a cake. So then. he goes to Mr. Kruger's house at one point because he's like, he goes to the judge's house,

the judge is at the Mayo Clinic, you know, blah-bottie-blah. Right, like the rumor throughout town is that the judge has like skin cancer. Right, right. Yeah, and he goes there and he's like, let me see your husband to this old lady, this old Olympia Dukakis looking lady. Oh, she does look like Olympia Dukakis. Good call. She's like drinking martini.

He's like, he's a lizard, you idiot. They turned him into a lizard. It's like evolution in reverse. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? What's your brother's movie? Are you watching, lady? Dude, do you think this takes place in the Mara Brothers movie timeline?

Yes. We came from lizards, this fucking idiot, drunk old lady. I would love to see Bowser springing this dude from the clinic. Us lizards got to stick together. And they got to drive to New York to get to that portal. To Coupa Town. Coupaville, whatever it is. Coupa City.

Dennis Hopper could have came in this movie. I'd be okay with it. I would love it. Could this movie have afforded in 1996 Dennis Hopper? No. I say yes. You know why? 1996, I believe, is also the year of space truckers. Oh.

Yeah, a hard patch. Yeah. Hard patch for Dennis Hopper. Mid-90s, R-I-P-B. Yeah, ouch. So he... Waterworld right after this. Oh, geez, yeah.

Yeah, hard patch indeed. He would have done this movie. So she spits out a bunch of hate speech against Romani. Oh, yeah, I was like, where's your fucking hood? It's just like, it's really out there. And he's like, fine, see you later, bitch. And it's just calling everybody bitch in this movie. He's like a 45-year-old Jesse Pinkman.

It's too much. And so, yeah, so then he goes to Mr. Krueger's house and he's like, all right, so I'm losing a bunch of weight. The judge is a lizard. What's going on with you? And he's like, all right, come in, but you're not going to like it kind of a thing. And he goes in. And, you know, like we said, he's got like pseudo-elephantitis, whatever's happening to him. You know, I think that this is a poor, you know, it's too close to the lizard for me.

Absolutely. It's another skin condition. What would you like? Maybe he gets too tall. He's getting taller and taller until his limbs are. Taller. Yeah. Really?

I don't know. Maybe his teeth start growing in weird. Dead left Schramm. Wisdom teeth. Yes. Oh, my God. That is a curse. Let me tell you,

as someone who felt his wisdom teeth partially growing in, that's a horrible pain. What about diarrhea? Oh, man, constant diarrhea. Sure. You know? Oh, you just get so dehydrated.

You just die because you're just shitting everything. Yeah. Sure. That's a better one. Yeah. We're like amphibious animal of some kind. Yeah. Yep.

Why not? Toad Yeah Or you go back to Mario Brothers Or you know Hey idiot And you turn into those fucking wolf Wolf people from South America

Oh yeah There's wolf people in South America Yeah they're always on the TV shows Those brothers or whatever They're on What are those fake magazines you read National Geographic? No that's a legitimate publication

Oh Weekly World News and all Yeah one of those things National Enquirer Yeah A bat boy wolf twins Yeah that shit Ah, bat boy.

Yeah. Maybe that's... Oh, man, that's it. Young Bruce Wayne, right? And then a little photojournalist took one too many pictures. Spider. Come on, let's round out the animal kingdom here. Just don't give him like zits or whatever.

Kangaroo. He's got a weird pouch. Dude, he turns into kangaroo Jack. He's just a wise-talking CGI kangaroo. Now you got it. It's shared universe. Oh, no. no, I think I figured it out. This is exactly what happened to the nightbreed. They went past a Romani caravan and they got a really creative Romani on their hands. He cursed the fucking lot of them. Let me throw this around the room real quick. Am I the only one in this room that likes that movie? Yes. Nightbreed? Yeah, Clive Barker's Nightbreed. I generally when a movie says Clive Barker on it, I avoid it. I actually, I don't think I've seen it. It stars the dude from Baby Cakes and Hellraiser or whatever sequel.

Craig Schaefer. Craig Schaefer, yeah. All right, so watch it. You'd be the deciding vote on We Hate Movies. So the thing, and this kind of gets awkward, not for nothing. Yeah. Because he's like, so Mr. Kruger pulls out a gun and he's like, you got to go kill this old man, blah, blah, blah. And the guy's like, I'm not.

Not call him an old man, I'll tell you that much. Sure doesn't. And he's like, you know, I'm not going to do that. You know, you keep your gun, Mr. Kruger. I'm going to go and I'm going to tell this dude to reverse the curse. And that's the end of him. I'm not murdering anybody. And he's like, well, fine, closes the door.

And this dude just commits suicide. And it's just like, remember that time Mr. Kruger failed at committing suicide? Yikes. He passed away, actually, pretty recently. Complications from diabetes. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, geez.

He's a great actor. He was great in No Country. Oh, Brother, Where Art thou? Thank you. He's in No, brother. He was great on Malcolm in the middle. One of my favorite cinematic devils. We were talking about Al Pacino not long ago, and he was.

basically plays the devil in Oh, brother where art them? Oh, that's right. Oh, that's him. Yeah, it's a great role. That's a movie I need to revisit. The New York Film Festival was doing like the 15th anniversary of that. And I just looked at it and I was like, oh, that came out 15 years ago.

I'll be over here hanging myself. Yeah. So, yeah, so anyway, so that character's out of the picture. The judge is gone. So, like, poor Billy is left all on his own to solve this curse. Now I'm thinking, you know, it's 1918. There's a Romanian Boston. Maybe a baseball hits his head

And he's like, oh, no, Red Sox. Here it comes. Here it comes in the cursing. Oh, wow. There's definitely a couple around Illinois then. Yes. And they don't forget easy. That's for sure.

Around this time in the movie is one of my favorite moments because it's just the silliest shit. And it's one of those things where it's like, you're watching this movie. And moments like this happen. And I'm like, Do these filmmakers, and Richard Bachman and slash Stephen King included, want me to take this movie seriously? I'm not sure. That's a great question.

Because he is back home at the end of his rope talking to this daughter. I think the daughter's there. It might be the wife. I think it's the daughter. And he's just eating a whole chicken. Yes. And she's like pressuring him with questions. He's eating a rotisserie chicken like it's an apple. And he gets pissed off at whoever he's talking.

to and hucks this chicken across the room? Oh man throwing a mostly eaten chicken carcass? Bravo movie. I was laughing my tits off and I don't know if you wanted me to. I mean, he looks like he's having the best time at medieval times. You know what I mean?

The guy that enjoys it a little too much. Right, yeah. Go green night. Go green night, absolutely. Reminds me the time we went to medieval times for Chris Cabin's 30th birthday. And I got inappropriately drunk for a family established, man. That will happen.

We kind of almost did. They were kind of asking for it. Yeah, well, you serve me a metal pitcher or something. Well, here's what, you're right, Eric. It was their fault. I'll tell you why. Because what they do, for anyone who hasn't been to a medieval times, is you get set up with, like, by color,

which team you're going to be on, right? So it's like the blue team, you know, and they're all night. So it's like the red night, the blue night. I think we were green night. We were green night. Green night was the villain. And we were already drunk because they're serving you like fucking $5 dacqueries while they just put you in this like holding pen

for an hour before you can go into this horse barn where they're going to do this show for you. Right? So we're all ripped and the guy comes out and he's doing here you, hear you, whatever and he's like this is the green team and we all go br-h! And he goes looks like the green team's been

getting into the ale and I was like fuck you pal you have no idea what shit storm you just brought upon yourself. We got called out by the king. We And then, yeah, we took a photo with him, too. Oh, we certainly did. It was awesome. And yeah, wow, we were all just rip-rorn drunk.

It was great. The weird thing about this part is he's actually eating for a purpose now because Oh, right. Now he's trying to stay alive because he's like, I skipped. And she's like, you've been losing six pounds a day. He's like, no, yesterday I lost 12 because I skipped lunch. Right. And it's like, oh, my God.

Like, this is kind of the best case scenario for me, man. Like, I am going to, I'm going to McDonald's and I'm doing it all, man. Oh, yeah. This, and see, and yeah, I thought the same thing as you. You thought of a paradise. You guys thought about McDonald's? Yeah. I was thinking more Taco Bell, but it's the same, it's the same theory, which is, my God, what a paradise.

I have to keep eating like this. And if I just overeat, I'll sort of maintain and balance out. Well, otherwise, I'm just going to be wasting away. So bring on the buckets of chicken. And also, bring on the chili cheese burritos. He's never drinking beer in this movie. Those are, that's a lot of good at the calorie. You're totally right.

Where's the alcoholism? That's where I get mine. Yeah. But here's, by the way, side note, you're talking about going to Taco Bell all the time. Make me think of your diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. The Glassman Clinic says that this dude is eating 12,000 calories a day, which is a lot.

That's about 10,000 more than you're supposed to have. At least 10,000 more. Yeah. And I'm just thinking. thinking even with all the Taco Bell and beer in the world, you're not going to be able to sustain this. I get, yeah, I mean, well, he's, he isn't able to. They're playing for keeps. Well, that's the best kind of curse, one that you originally think is like a blessing.

Oh, right. And then you realize you're getting fucked over by it. It's very smart, this old man. Which is, again, weird because, like, he also kind of gets off the best out of everybody. This guy turns into a fucking reptile monster. Yep. The other guy turns into, I don't know, like, um, somebody who's putting. put in the microwave or something.

Microwave. Looks like you got bit by a bunch of bees. He does. Maybe he was. To borrow a phrase. It's entirely possible. He would, a bee stings. Around this point, he does, he calls Joe Montania.

Because my life is in danger. Better call my best friend who's in the mafia. That's why you do those things. He does, there's a later call where he really brings them into this scenario. Right. But the first call is just like, hey, Janelle. Oh, excuse me. Oh, by the way, do you believe in gypsy curses?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And this is where Mama Scorsese comes back in because he's basically like... Well, he goes, no, no, I don't believe in gypsy curses. But he's like, but I believe anything my mother tells me. My mama, by the way. Oh, of course. It's a mama.

Mama. So, like, there she is. Of course, preparing a meal because we're just Italianing it up in this. movie. And so he's like Mama. And then like, you know, we get some Joe Mantania broken Italian. And he's basically like asking about the curses. And she's like, oh yeah, that's some real

shit. Your friends fucked. Yeah. You know, and he's like, yeah, Mama says it's a real deal. Talk to you later. So he has to go on the road. He's like, all right, the only way he learned somehow that the only way to get a curse off of you is you have to get it from that exact Romani person to put it on you. I don't think he learns

that, Steve. I think it's just a gross assumption. It's just a little bit movie magic? It's either that or possibly it's Mama Montania says something about that in the translation. To be fair, Wikipedia wasn't around yet. Oh no, wait, that's exactly what it is because I remember thinking at the time how weird is it that she's giving all this information because she says this long thing in Italian and then Joe Montania translates it all and he's just like yeah curses are real this not the other thing

the history of it is this and by the way the only way to reverse it is blah blah blah And I'm like, he just asked you if you believe in them. But he responds as if he gave the whole story and like, how do I cure it? Well, the lady knows. Somebody calls you in the middle and I says, hey, do you believe in Romani curses? You're like, okay, the only way that that's going to happen is. You're totally right. To be fair, she's an elderly Italian woman.

She's getting asked this question four times a month. At least. So yet, that who's taking the evil eye on or off of someone. Oh, yeah. That evil eye, you got to keep. beware of that one. God forbid you get that evil eye. I got a lot of them yeah. So

around this point is where he has this dream sequence and it's just ridiculous. It's like... It's a fake out dream sequence. It is always the worst. Because it's like 10 minutes long. It's just padding out the runtime because this movie is a Tales from the Crip

just stretched out for 90 minutes. You're absolutely right. And yeah, so it's like we're barely trying to get to that 93 minute mark and it's like the judge pulls up in a getaway car and he's full on lizard and it's like let's get out of here blah blah blah and they like crash and blow up but again he's more of an ash person why can't he look like one of the guys from land of the lost you know what i mean like yeah get him in a tunic too maybe this like make him look like theodore rex yes oh my god of goldenberg movie dude

if a talking dinosaur pulled up in this dream sequence really get in here oh watch the tail. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's definitely crack and was without a doubt. And the way you do that, Eric, is a little bit of movie, you know, a little bit of movie language is like, you give the judge a really noticeable pair of glasses, right? Oh, yeah. Guess who's wearing those glasses? Theodore Rex is wearing those glasses. Exactly. Now I know the judge is Theodore Rex. Your brain is able to understand his transition. But this is, like, in the start of this, you think that, you know,

because it's a fake out, you think it's real, they go to that carnival and it's Oh, yes. They're antagonizing him. Yeah, they go and, like, bully this old man, basically. And then, like, you know, the H's O, and they wind up crashing the car and dying and he wakes up. Well, the old man keeps crashing into him in different cars. Oh, yeah. Because of the mansion.

He's in a dump truck. And then it's like, he's in a school bus. And they're both coming at you. It's like a Freddie Kruger nightmare. He's in a tank. He's got a little helmet on his. And yeah, they just get like... He's in a megazard.

For some reason, there's a submarine driving on land. See, that's they didn't want to get it too zany because they want to fool the audience, right? So he wakes up and he calls the judge. And the wife says that the judge has driven his car into a bunch of gas cans. That's one way to do it. And so a parent...

these gas cans exploded or whatever and he burned to death in his car and his own wife is like it's all right it's the best outcome he always wanted to be cremated yeah oh yeah oh because she's supposed to be like this cold heartless alcoholic rich person right yeah so she's just like even in death she's making sarcastic bitter comments it's a real wit stillman situation and so billy's like trying to find this this this this merry band out there. Well, also, yeah, subplot is

his wife's probably cheating on him, right? Oh, yes. With the doctor. Sure, why not? Dr. Mikey. Very Tales from the Crypt, EC Comics, by the way. But it's bullshit because it's not, it's not in the Bachman book.

I just read that on the Wikipedia. It's notably not there. So it's like this movie vilifying this wife character even further. Like, why not have her be like the beacon of like, oh, you know, all she did give this guy a blowjob. He took it way out of proportion.

Yeah, but then it's like, no, she's the sucker Dr. Mikey's dick now, man. She should be the hero. She should, like, turn the tables and kill everyone. Because everyone in this movie's terrible. Yeah, there's nobody to like here. Exactly. Even that daughter's fucking shitty, man. Yeah, she's got a shitty look.

Yeah, I just don't like that look at her eye. So, and one of my favorite scenes is he's trying to track down the old man to get the curse lift. Sort of has, like, the tour list of where this carnival's stopping off. Right. They always end at the same town in Maine, by the way. And he ends up at, like, a shady dude's, like, it looks like a pawn shop or something. I guess he might be a private investigator or whatever. Yeah.

And he's trying to track him down. And the guy, like, gives him an insane price quote. It's like, it's like, I need, like, $800. For info. For info. And he was like, actually, it's only 300 for the information. It's 500 so I don't tell your wife and the police this. And he pulls out a legitimate old West wanted photo.

Oh, yeah. About how he's missing. That goes nowhere. It's like a $5,000 reward for a missing fat guy. Now he's skinny at this point, Eric. But the pictures of him being obese. and he's been gone for like 48 hours You're not getting posters printed

And disseminated in 48 hours I'm sorry I don't even think it works like that anymore Even in the 90s Yeah was he wanted dead or alive What is that fucking poster Black Bart Bounty hunters coming after him

The man with no name Is this the drunk guy too Because there's that guy That I think he meets in a diner This guy kind of looks like grandpa Munster No, yeah, it's not him. No, it's this other thing where he's just like, he goes to this other dude and he's like, you used to work for this fella.

And he's like, yeah, I remember that name. He just, you just missed him. They blew through town a little while ago. Oh, yeah, that guy that's terrified of them. Yeah, and he's like, he told me that I was going to see my wife soon. Mr. My wife's been dead for five years. And I'm like, in a better movie, this is a moment of terror. Yes.

But I'm just laughing at this alcoholic who's going to be dead. soon because this movie is silly as shit it'd be great if there was a scene with all these bounty hunters with the romani clan and it's boba fed it's IG 88 bosks in there you know me bosks uniform in star wars is of an a wing pilot that yellow rebel uniform maybe he was a regular rebel until this romani went lizzie yeah it's entirely possible it's the origin that's the origin to the busk. It's canon, printed. Yeah. And, you know, Boba Fett's like, he's no good to me dead. Or in the newer ones,

he's no good to me dead. He's not. I made the crikees. This is how I always talk. They didn't have the technology to make me sound like cranky. I couldn't be from down under yet. So is this? I know he's New Zealander, but sure. I just hate that change, man. I hate it.

So does every. You'd be surprised. Except for George Lucas. Do you lose weight when you're in carbonite? No, you just lose your eyesight, right? That's how that works. Yeah, I think you maintain homeostasis enough to keep you alive, and I think it gets a good weight balance.

I don't think you lose weight. Maybe that's what, that should be this guy's last thing. It's like, put me in carbonite. Yes. Until they figure, until that gypsy dies, put me in carbonite. Don't let the empire take me, though. I don't know. Put me in Lobot's closet.

I mean, what's a lobot to do it? He can check up on me, right? Come on. Come on, Cal Rizian. You owe me for all the Doritas I got you on Cloud City. If it's one thing you know about Cloud City is that Dorita chips are outlawed. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So, Calrissian had all these Bloomberg-esque laws.

That soda's way too big. I don't want a bunch of fat people in my Cloud City. It's going to weigh it down. Chewbacca, you're going to have to settle for a small. Oh, he hated Soda, that old mayor. He sure did. Man, so around this time is when he hires Joe Mantania to go on the road with him or whatever's happening. He goes to the, he finds them or whatever.

Yeah, the campsite. He begs and pleads and they're like, no, man, you killed my wife, you're a dick, never going to happen, right? He's like, well, then you're going to get cursed, the curse from the white man from town. And he like cuts his hand open It like bleeds all over them He's like that's right I got curses too And everyone laughs at him

And then he calls the mafia Which he should have done 91 minutes ago Oh yeah And also Someone's fucking with me And I got the mafia on my back That's who I'm calling

Dude you immediately play that mafia car Absolutely You bump into me wrong On the subway I'm calling the mafia If that's an option Gonna fucking call the mafia on you So I'll do it

Is this also the scene though Whereher hits him in the hand With his sling shot that she's got, much like an EWalk. Yeah, it's very EWalky and this is like rock goes through his hand. Yeah. Which is pretty hilarious. That's why he calls

up the mafia for that too because he needs a mob doctor. Oh, oh right, the mob doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so now it's just like Joe Montagnan and him kind of just bunk him in this cabin for a little bit. It becomes Joe Montagnan's movie for a bit because it's, you know, at this point

Billy is so emaciated. He can't do much except like be sitting around being sad and wear blankets on himself because they don't know how to make somebody look any skinnier than it by the way if christian bail got this script he'd be fucking dead oh yeah you know he'd try and do it like well i'll just i'll gain 300 pounds and then i'll just lose it really really fast with my super diet and then you're dead he'd go to the bowels of eastern europe and get an actual criticism well you know for this role says mario lopez on extra Christian Vail actually had a Romani curse put on him.

Well, he was just such a dick around the Romani people. They had to curse him. They were fucking with his lights. And this is one of the most ridiculous scenes in this movie is Joe Mantania goes to the camcrow. And he's just like, all right, fuckers, light it up. And he just takes out this machine gun and starts murdering these people. Yes, I loved it. It's outrageous, though.

He winds up killing Carrie where his husband's the... No, he makes them do it. Yeah, that's it. Because, like, this dude runs out, like, you know, what the fuck are you doing? And then, like, he shoots him. And the dude, like, kind of turns around and starts running back to the campsite. And then all the dudes with guns that are firing at Joe Mantana just start blowing this dude away. And I'm like, how did you not know that was your brother?

He's dressed like Darkman, by the way. It's a real Darkman situation. So then it's like, okay, you know, now it's really on you kill the. bunch of our dudes by shooting up this camp. You know, Carrie Ware's husband is dead. And this is what she gets dup. Montana comes the next day in a pico. There's a bunch of FBI.

I'm, uh, so-and-so FBI. Uh, you want to come with me? I'll show you where the killer is. And she's like, wow, that sounds great. Yeah. She gets your psychic powers now. Yeah. She gets in a car with this guy.

He gets into her a barn and he throws, he goes, acid, bitch. And throws like, like, soda in her face. Right. breaks out and she's like, oh my God. He's like, but this is the real acid now. Why is there an acid dupe in this movie? You are so patting this shit out. Why is there acid at all?

I mean, there shouldn't be acid at all. You're right, Steve. But you know what? If you have to have acid, don't have an acid fake out. You know, conversely, I think there could be more acid. More movies should have more acid? I think most movies should have an acid scene. Is that a mafia thing?

Did the mafia throw acid in people? people's faces. I know that happened to two-faced. Joe Chill, yeah. Does that happen to two-face? I'm just not sure if the real mafia does that. Is that a... I think that's an old 30s thing. I read recently that some woman in

Sunnyside had acid thrown in her face. Wow. But I don't think that was mafia related. You know what? Just take a gun and shoot me in the fucking head. How about that? Seriously. Let's leave the acid at home. Yep. Speaking of which, that's... Kruger's suicide. That's the way to go. Yes. He should have... Everyone should

should have shot themselves in the head. And maybe you should have shot the old man. Yeah, exactly. And this whole thing now. I need a line in this movie that's just this ends tonight. I don't get it, but the movie needs it. But you know what you do get?

A lot of the white man from town. Right. So like the old man calls him white man from town. Yeah. And like he definitely leaves a note for them at one point that's basically like, fuck you sincerely white man from town. Or whatever it is.

Whenever Montenia does, he does some escalating things. He kills a bunch of their dogs. It's like, hey, he's some strict died pooch. Oh, right. And he's like, he leaves a note like, white man from town says, take it off, meaning the curse. Right. Which is hilarious because it's just a note that says, take it off. White man from town. Do with that what you will person who finds that note on a paper plate. You know what I would do in this situation? Like, let's assume you don't have the mafia backing you, which is, hey, first things first, go to the mafia. That's the Trump card. If you're ever in any trouble, yeah. Mafia. Yeah, they're like, they're like the police. but better, really.

It's true. Bravo. You go, I'm going to go to some other Romani, and I'm going to start fucking with him until he gives me a fat curse, and then maybe they'll leave him each other out. Maybe these two curses are, oh, yeah, you know what, skinny? Oh, fat, that's what I wanted.

You know, I didn't think there was any way out, but you found it. I think that's it. And you know these Romani, there's no internet, there's no curse database. saying this, no, no, no, I put a thin curse on this guy. Don't fuck with him. He's fine. Oh, yeah. See, that's what they needed, though, is a curse message board. Just to keep all that shit straight.

Yes. Who's been cursed? A wanted photo of them? Yes. You know, just to stay away from this guy. Feel free to put other curses on him. Don't put a fat curse on him, though, because then the two curses will have, like, a symbiosis, and he'll just be fine. Yeah, it'll just be a regular dude. And probably being pretty pretty good shape. Yeah. And actually, I think because the two curses would be battling each other constantly like that, he could still continue eating whatever he wants. Yeah.

Well, is there, is there like, if one person's the better wizard, would that affect? Oh, the varying strengths of the cursors? Right. Like, if you get like, let's say, an 85-year-old Romani to put the fatter curse, does the 107-year-old, he wins a bit? I don't know. That's a thing. It's like, I think we're going to have to do some field research. There's a, yeah. No, there's a great. line in this movie to like signify like where the one of the final scenes is going to be and this is like this movie

is so boring man this final scene is like a handoff nothing scene but they're basically like meet me at the lighthouse yeah is what this dude says so well it's main so there's a lighthouse you know so we find this light house every five blocks which light house do you mean

we're a little more specific and so Robert John Burke is just like sitting on this bench Mantania drops them off like if you need me I'll be way back here not helping out at all and this old man comes and the dude comes and he sits down

and he's like listen you fucking killed my daughter in a hit and run man I'm not taking this curse off but your stupid mafia friend just went and shot up my camp so I'm not bowing to you

I just don't want my family fucked with anymore so here's how you take the curse off I have this pie that I'm going to cut your hand open and you're going to bleed into this pie and then whoever eats this pie gets the curse

is it because this is a fat guy that's why the problem is solved with a pie that's that Bachman writing you know what I mean you don't want to just a third act whatever no no it's got to be symbolic with the whole overall thing it's either that or a shitty woman they had two options

a pie or a shitty bitch I briefly read part of the IMDB message words for this movie oh fantastic like just some random comment was like I was in them shoes, I would have made that dumb old man eat that pie.

What did you sit on him and feed it to? But you're so weak. How are you going to force this old man to eat this pie? But what the dude says is totally awesome. The old man's like, and you can serve it to whomever you want. But by the way, I strongly suggest you eat the pie. Because the dude says not only when you get the curse, like you'll die instantly is the deal.

So it's not just like someone else gets thinner, like someone just dies. And he's like, do us all a favor. and fucking kill yourself. But this old man's got class. So he doesn't say it the way I said it. He's like, if I were you, I'd eat the pie myself. He goes, die clean, white the man from town.

Die clean. Yeah. Which is also die clean. Yeah, that's a great. You want to hear that. The pie is kind of like, it's a little little shop of horrors pie for a bit. Oh, yeah. It's like eating the pie.

Nom, nom, num, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. It's really silly. It's great. It does not belong in this movie. This pulsating pie, man. Was this coming from the head? Henson factory? We need one pulsating pie.

Get on it, prop department. You know, I design Big Bird. Make that fucking breathing pie. I love blood. I'm a blood pie. Is that what grouches? What was the trash can? Oscar, the grouch.

That's it. Maybe he was sitting on a breathing pie the whole time. We don't know. Oh, no, that's, he ran over some lady one, too. He's a nice upstanding, you know, he's an account manager and ad agency. Crouch. A garbage guy.

Garbage. You're garbage. Oh, that's what happened to the trash heap on Fraggle Rock. That was a curse, too. Yeah. Marjorie, man. Trash heap. Yeah, I'm thinking about the crime she committed to get that curse.

Slow-witted mammoth. Oh, no, it's not beloved it. So now here's our big, like, EC Comics, Tales from the Crypt ending. Yes, and he comes home with the pie, and he's so, he knows exactly who to give it to, because my bitch wife has been stepping out on me with Dr. Mikey. And by the way, the impression that you're doing is accurate, because what happens is, as this dude loses weight, his New York accent really starts coming out. Because it's like him playing evil

Because before he's like I'm just a jolly old fat lawyer And it's just It gets more and more down to the point Where he's like You're gonna eat that fucking pie Here's a fucking pie I got for you I was on the road

I had to clear up a few things I got rid of that case by the way Here's a fucking pie It's a present for you I'm gonna go to bed You better eat that pie Before you go to bed I'm going to bed now

You're gonna eat the fucking pie Oh my Ron And I'm like wow He is really Staten Island dumping this thing and she does and he wakes up and she's just a dead

gloopy gloopy skeleton kind of her face looks like the blob sneezed on her and then he makes out with the porps throwing up everywhere in my living room last night

first of all that pie might be still on her lips yes yes I don't know I don't know the extent of whatever this crazy Romani baking thing

this hungry pie I don't know the extent of its power I don't fiddle with Mystic Bakery, you know? Lick me, Seymour. Exactly. I'm not, and you know what I'm doing? Even being in that bed, I'm like throwing up just anyway.

Oh, yeah. But he just, he peels back that sheet and her face is melted and he's like, oh, look at that. You fucking did it. You ate that fucking pie. Now I'm going to lick your fucking face. And he just like starts sucking, man. And it is gnarly. And he's like licking his lips.

Like, yeah, that's good death. And you're just like, what is happening? I think he calls her a bitch one more time. Probably, because why not? And he goes downstairs and, oh my God, there's two pieces missing. Because his daughter comes and says, Daddy, that pie was so delicious. Talk to you later. She goes, I had some of that pie for breakfast.

I'm like, what household is this? This child is running wild eating pie for breakfast? This is your, yeah, this is the heavy man's household that has established the concept of breakfast. I put powdered sugar in my coffee. It'd be great if the device was a bag of Doritos at the end. Oh, it should have been a breathing bag of Doritos. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Got your favorite guy.

Actually, though, then it wouldn't work because everybody in that house knows not to eat Billy's Doritos. That's true. Yeah, think about the yelling they've gotten before. Getting yelled at for you. All right. All right. Family meeting. Oh, God.

Touch my bags. I had bags of Doritos over here. Dude. And so, yeah, so it's like, oh, the daughter ate the pie, and she, like, runs out to play soccer. And then he's like, well, and the original ending of the book is... Oh, right. He eats a piece of pie himself, and he joins his family in their fate. Because, you know, also that, I guess the wife didn't cheat on him, so why did he even...

Whatever. Whatever. Sure. Dr. Mikey shows up, but he's like, oh, hey, is Heidi home? And he's like, oh, she's resting right now. Wanted to join me for a piece of pie, Dr. Mikey? Yep. Breakfast pie, he says.

I was just about to dig into some breakfast pie. I'm like that. Would you like to join me? You know what that is? A keesh. Yeah. Come on. A frittata.

Yeah. Oh, no one's saying frittata in this town. Little too ethnic sounding. Also, if I am cheating on one of my friends. cheating on one of my friends with one of my friend's wives and I come home and he's like Oh my wife's sleeping

Why don't you come in and have a I have a celebratory piece of pie with me I'm gonna watch you eat No no you know what I'm cool thank so much This dude's gonna shoot me in the head Yeah exactly or it's poison pie I don't know what's going on It's like why does Billy sound so

Bronxish right now This is weird he sounds awfully angry Those eyes are narrow as hell Never ever Eat the food of some that you're adultering on. Exactly. Just in case.

Good rule of thumb. Good rule of thumb. And if he offers you a beer, like, you got to pop the top. That's how that works. And the thing about it is, like, the end of this is, like, he's about to close the door. And he's like, yeah, come on in. White man from town. There goes to White Doctor from town.

Oh, does he say White Doctor? Yeah. And the question I was left with was like, did the old man possess him? Why does he keep saying that? I think he just liked it. You got used to hearing it, maybe. Oh, really? So he just, like, absorbed another culture's slang.

It's kind of his nomad of plume. It's kind of like calling yourself Richard Bachman for no fucking reason. He learned something, and it turned out to be a white man from town. And here's the thing that leaves you with the real shitty taste in your mouth, though, is like, this dude's a scumbag. This protagonist is a piece of shit. And he should have killed himself, like, in the story. And apparently, you know, so it goes. Like, the test screenings were so abhorrent.

They changed the ending. made this dumb-ass white doctor from town thing. I want to see this guy burn, man. But I also figured out how to get away with this. Uh-huh. How to get away with murder? Yeah. Uh-huh.

How to get rid of the curse with a pie. That's a new show from Shonda Rhymes. Give it to a hobo. Oh, yeah. That's sort of the, the, uh... What about like, um, like a, like a, like a, a, a stray country dog? Yeah, exactly. Right, yeah.

Well, I think you need any, it needs a human soul, I think. Oh, the soul's involved in this? I see. Yeah. Oh, you know what? How about a pie eating contest? Yep. The pie eating contest from Stand By Me?

Yeah. Boom, Baba. Boom, Baba. Here's the move. You go see Charlie Manson, right? You're like, hey, Charlie, I got something for you. It's a pie. And then you're fine.

Or the son of Sam. There's plenty of people to give that pie, too. Oh, sure. The cops are going to check that for, What was it? Files? Yeah. Well, they're not going to check it for curses. You never know. Give it to Mark David Chapman.

They might be a warlock on staff. Mark David Chapman's a guy who wouldn't turn down a pie. That's exactly right. He'd gobble it right up. Well, then his face would turn to jelly. And you're good. You're golden. You're golden. It's over with. He's like, oh, thank you, overly skinny man.

Well, clearly that guy doesn't want the pie because he's got some sort of eating problems. I'm going to take it. And then I can finally stop hearing about John Lennon's murderer trying to get out on parole. Just do it, end it. Would anybody recommend

this barely a movie movie? It's a fun 90 minutes for me. I mean, it's really silly, it's stupid, it's hateful. Like with a capital H, man. It certainly is. But I think it's kind of a fun 90 minutes. I'm in total agreement, actually.

I love how hateful it is. And it's just dumb. And, oh, by the way, a quick correction from earlier, I think Bosque might be dressed like a Y-wing pilot. So put down the keyboard. Thank God. I think I said A-Wing. I think I said-A-Wing.

You did. So thank God this correction is making it to air. Y-wing. I don't know. I would recommend another Stephen King adaptation that Tom Holland did because this is either one year before or after he directs the Langalears, which is not good. But it's more enjoyable to watch than this.

I just feel this is like, there's nothing going on. No, there is nothing. A better Romani Curse movie is Sam Ramey's Drag Me to Hell. Oh, yeah. That's a rollicking good time. Yes, that movie is awesome. That's the right way to do this movie in case you're wondering. If you wanted to do this movie so it's good, you do that movie.

Yeah, and you know what's not in that movie? No magic pies. Yes. No magic cakes. No cursed cupcakes. Not a haunted plate of eggs. kind of a haunted goat which is pretty awesome in that movie oh man oh a good haunted goat man that's what you want there's another one coming up in that movie the witch there's a goat named black

peter i think it's called he's pretty terrifying i like that yeah i don't know like i usually go in for the steven king adaptations in one way or another but this one just not not so much i would rather watch robert john burke in robocop three than this movie ooh stay tuned oh most definitely that's Thinner from 1996, directed by Tom Holland. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, wh-hmpodcast.com, or find us at Sideshownetwork.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. Of course, we are at WHM podcast.

And right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. That concludes the 2015 Halloween spooktacular. And next week, we're back to some original programming. And you know what? No clue for this. We're getting into the spirit of one of the bigger movies of the holiday season. We're doing a Bond flick next week. Spector.

Spector. Yeah. And admittedly right now, because there's so many to choose from, at the time of this recording, we haven't picked which one it's going to be yet. But we're going to be doing a James Bond week on We Hate Mov. Jim Bond! Overmetanogizing your past and giving out too much information to the audience. That's a curse that nobody was asking.

Nope. So until next week, when we hate movies celebrates James Bond. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Saita. Eric Siska. Take it easy. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween.

I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes. That is better. Zombies of entrance the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara.

I sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative. Put the parking lot in the bastard. What an excellent day for an accident. Thank you.