We Hate Movies - S6 Ep223: Never Say Never Again

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang gets all dolled up in their best tuxedos and terrible hair pieces to chat about the 1983 (unofficial) Bond film, Never Say Never Again! Could they not pony up the extra dough for the traditional shoot at the camera opening? Why bother trying to make Bond clean and sober? And did Blofeld really invent YouTube? PLUS: James Bond just loves cold Burger King. Never Say Never Again stars Sean Connery, Klaus Maria Brandauer, Max von Sydow, Barbara Carrera, Rowan Atkinson, Bernie Casey, and Kim Basinger; directed by Irvin Kershner. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Sadek. Aren't we? Hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning into our little program, as always. This week, we're celebrating, you know, this new Spectre's coming out soon-ish.

What's the date on that? Sometime in a couple weeks, I think. No, no, it's out this week. Oh, is it out this week? Is that what we're doing? Yeah. Well, that's cool. Well, we figured, you know, in anticipation of this Bond movie, that's, like, sort of controversial,

just because, like, everybody's hating on this new, like, Bond backstory thing that they're developing and whatnot. We thought we'd do another controversial Bond flick. This is Never Say Never Again from 1983 directed by the Helmer behind the Return of the, or behind the Empire Strikes Back rather, Irvin Kershner. And never forget Robocop 2. Robocop 2, you're right. I like Robocop 2. So do I.

Irvin Kershner. Some people say, Never Forget 9-11. and Eric says never forget Robocop 2. I know. I mean, that's the day OCP finally fell or something. It's when that little kid was running the mafia. Yeah. Whatever that was about. That was weird.

That kid should have been murdered in that movie. Yeah, they didn't take it far enough. Yeah. You got to screw it up Robocop. Is that a screenplay by noted racist Frank Miller? I don't know if it was the second or the third and I always get them mixed up. So noted racist Frank Miller fans can come on in and tell me one way or another.

But anyway, so this is the movie where Sean Connery, after like, whatever it was, 18 years away from the... I think it was 12. 12 years away from the role, returns as James Bond. And, you know, we do say, like, you know, you could enjoy an episode of We Hate Movies without knowing the movie beforehand. Sure. So, I mean, we should really paint these people a picture here.

Now, there's a guy named Jimithy Bond. Right. And he's... So far, so good. He's a British super agent. Correct. And he goes around the world. philandering

and consuming alcohol and committing murders and heinous crimes in the name of the crown yes so it's okay yeah dude on her majesty's honor so I mean there's people that listen you know that might not know what this the Jimmy Bond movies are

now if you're a fan of like you're like a casual James Bond fan and you're listening to us talk about this movie and you're like this sounds an awful lot like another Bond movie that's because it's based off the same story from Thunderball. This movie was wrapped up in, like,

legalese nonsense for, like, the better part of, like, two decades. But basically, long story short, like, dude who owned the rights to this movie wrote the Thunderball story with Ian Fleming, and then, like, they sort of parted ways, and Ian Fleming made Thunderball

into a book, I believe, which then they adapted into a movie. This story was supposed to always be a movie. So then, like, this dude got fucked over and tried to, like, sue him six ways from Sunday. 20-ish whatever years later they make this movie like a fucking wet fart in the night.

Thunderball is a better movie, right? Thunderball is better than this. Yeah, but it's pretty much the same story. It's Bond trying to get these nukes that Spector has stolen. Flobody, blobody, blobody. Well, that's the thing about a James Bond story is you can always pad that shit

with new and exotic locales, baby. Oh, absolutely. Where else is you going to go this time? This movie came out, never seen ever again, the same year as Roger Moore was currently in the official Bond seat and this is the same year Octopus he came out.

Two Bond movies in the same year. Can you imagine? What a world? Well, apparently this, can we call him a sheister? Who? The fella who made this movie, the guy that sued everyone.

Because I read he was trying to make another Alt-Bond movie in the 90s with Timothy Dalton. Yes. That's more because, I mean, Fleming kind of fucked this guy over because, like, you know, basically, if you, me and Andrew sat down and wrote a movie, and then

we're like, ah, we're not going to make that movie. I was like, you know, I'm going to make that into a book. You'd be like, hey, fuck you, dude. Right. And, you know, and that's basically what happened. And, you know, he had enough rights. And I mean, like, it's a weird idea to bring it back and, like, to do a Connery thing.

But, well, see, the only way you're bringing it back with Connery is what makes this movie so annoying. And, like, up front, I'll say I'm a big Bond fan. To me, this is like, it's kind of like a two. and a half to three star bond movie but what's obnoxious about it is we're patting it with all the old man jokes yeah all the old man jokes you can shake a fucking stick at are in this movie and it's like kind of the whole crux of the movie is like you know we're in like 1980s maggie thatcher england and like we're not using the double o's that much it's all old

hat you know this m that they have in here is like a real fuddy dud doesn't appreciate the old ways of like MI6 and whatnot and it's just annoying i don't like i'm getting too old for this shit jokes i kind of wish it went with it honestly like it does drop it it drops it like mid midway through and then we're just doing it's it's like only there to add to the beginning of the movie right and then the middle to the end is just a james bond movie so it's like now we're just making this movie even ever loving longer once he gets to be james bond the whole like i'm getting too old for this shit goes out the window but we're making it the first like four 35 minutes to an hour

of this two hour and 16 minute movie. So we're talking longer than Star Wars. Are we talking longer than Empire Strikes back? I believe so. We're looking the other day. The longest one is attack of the clones. Right, yeah. I think this is the length of

Revenge of the Sith. Okay. Noted Star Wars expert Eric Siska, did Ervin Kershner turn down Return of the Jedi to do this? Or was he not asked back because of the master didn't think that you did a good job you know that is a good question i actually do not know

the answer and i've gotten star wars trivia wrong before so i'm gonna you know step out of this one although it would be cool if he did i mean i've people have problems with turn to the jedi i don't i don't have that much of a problem i don't i would be interested to see the david lynch version oh oh yeah that's where you want to be because he was offered it and he said oh i'm going to make Dune instead. Wow, that's a flub. It's a flub. Could you imagine what Jabba the Hutt would have looked like? Dude, I can tell you

in no uncertain terms, if Lynch had directed Jedi, it would be the best Star Wars movie. As it stands now, Irvin Kershner directed Empire, and that's the best Star Wars movie. I think they should pull this Colin Trevor off off of number nine,

throw Davy Lynch into the field. Dude, after Jurassic World, yeah, pull them right off. Pull them right the fuck off. I don't care. Yeah. That movie's terrible. Pull them off.

Whatever. Yeah, it's watchable. It's, you know. If by watchable, you mean unwatchable, then we're in 100% agreement. Wow. Oh, I guess this is different opinions on we hate movies. But I know, I know, I know. No opinion on we hate movies because I didn't see it.

You know what? Hey, Steve, did you see Jurassic Park? Yes, it didn't. Same movie, but with computer dinosaurs, you're totally fine. You saw it. Okay. So, well, that's really the issue is I think Jurassic Park's fine. I'm not as crazy about it as everyone else is, which is crazy, I know, hold on to your hats.

But we don't need the sequels to it at all, none of them. And you, like, The Lost World, number three, are such trash that it was refreshing to see this in a way. I can see that. That's totally fine. By the way, we're supposed to be talking about never say never again. We're on all sorts of tracks, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, anything to not talk about this movie. So the beginning is James Bond. is...

Can we talk about Sean Connery's hair in this movie? Oh yeah, his piece is his partner in this movie. Well, the weird thing

is, like, it either change... Either it's the dye that changes, the piece that changes. I'm not sure... Yeah. I'm not sure how,

if it is... I'm not a good rug spotter. This is a rug. This is a rug. Okay. Yeah. It's like a partial rug because he's rich,

so like, you can get it worked in nicely. The problem is the hair color keeps changing in this movie. And sometimes it's the same color as his face and it's really unsettling.

And sometimes it looks like someone just dumped a bottle of A1 sauce on his head. You've seen like an old Batman cartoon and sometimes like the coloring is bad and Robin's hair just turns the same color as his face. It's like that in some scenes. Oh, ew. I think this is animated.

I mean, there are times when this hair is just flip, flapping unnaturally in this movie and you're like, is that about to fall off? somebody watch it somebody get it and we start you know instead of like traditional bond cold opens where it's like he's on an unrelated mission we start with him like at training camp basically yeah but it's a it's a fake out there like yeah look at james oh your favorite james bond is back and he's killing all of south america isn't this amazing yeah totally it's him like jumping off a rooftops throwing grenades at people but you know what's weird people i was watching it again last night. And there's one moment where I was like, I don't think that guy was expecting that. Because like,

okay, you could say he's using blanks in his guns and like, it's just a little flash grenade. There's that one point where he's got that blow dart and he hits that dude in the neck and I was like, well, you can't fake that. That dude got hit with a dart. And also, isn't there piano wire used? He uses it once on some dude.

Oh, yeah, you're totally right. How do you fake that? He's actually just murdering people. Oh, I see. This is his training. They get, oh, do you think they're kidnapping like Homeless people? Yeah, commoners. I think they call them in Great Britain. The original was called Surviving the Game.

Oh, yes. Dude, if Sean Conner is in that movie and it meant he starred in a movie with ice tea. Yep. Pretty cool. And who else is in that movie? Charles S. Dutton? Gary Busey?

You know what? We did this for Weekend at Bernies, which we will pay off, we promise. Next year in 2016, surviving the game is going to be on We Hate Movies. Yes. Yes, it will be. Without question.

So he fails this mission because he saves some lady that's tied up and he gets stabbed. Oh, my God, James Bond, got stabbed. And no, he's just a training mission the whole time. The stupid woman tricked me. Going to show her a thing or two. Usually when a woman's in bed, I'm the one doing the stabbing. Because he frees her from captivity in a bed. Right, yeah.

Oh, also, I should mention because, like, so you've kind of. it got the rights to this James Bond story, but you don't have all the pieces. You don't get it all, baby. So, like, instead of the awesome, like, gun barrel walk through and shooting, it's just, like, this grid of 007s. It just looks like a shitty fan poster. It looks more like the commercial for a casino in the 1970s. You know what I mean?

Like, it's just like, come to 007. And then it's just like, we also aren't doing a title sequence. So there's no, like, official bond song. Yeah. It's just some babe like, never, never, never, never say never again. And you're just like, what is this shit? Again, it sounds like a jingle for a casino. It's not, it's really not good.

Come to Vegas. Never say never again. Hotel. Seven could be your lucky number. But the title of this movie makes no sense. It doesn't add up to anything. It's a reference apparently from a line, Sean Connery said that he would never again play James Bond. And then his wife was like, you know, it would be fun.

Because she's actually, she's credited. with titling this movie. There's a credit in the movie, whatever Connery, like title idea. She was like, why don't you call it? Never Say Never Again. How funny would that be? And then he was probably like, shut up, stupid. And then Kirshner was like, good idea. Put it in. That's where, yeah, that's where it comes from. And it's just like... Shut up, stupid. It's just like an in-joke. It's got nothing to do with the movie. And it's like,

what did you take some fucking pride in your movie and not make it a joke from Jump Street? You should just do a spoof then. I mean, I guess they sort of do that with the old man stuff. But, again, they drop it. And then it's just the most boring on the Bahamas. Vacation, yeah. So M is like, you're too fat, 007. Like, basically, that sort of adds up to is like your lifestyle of all the booze in, the fucking and the drinking and the eating red meat and everything else and being a fucking man is ruining your ability to be a 007 agent or,

double O agent. And by the way, I've disbanded that anyway. So why are we even talking about it? And by the way, what is he teaching? He says, like, well, you've had me teaching for better than 10 years. Yeah, I think if they're not using the double O's, like... Welcome to applied mathematics. I'm your social studies teacher, James Bond. Yeah, I really don't know. Welcome to human sexuality with James Bond. Yeah, that's where he's a fucking expert, absolutely.

Take a look at my blood sample. Look at all the STDs. It's got to catch them all. Or don't get my blood on your fingers. It'll burn right through your flesh. Now this is a magic trick I call Disappearing Condom. Like you put it in your hand, like you're about to use it.

And then you say, oh, look over there. And oops, it's gone. Oops, it's gone. Yeah, I don't know what he could possibly be teaching. I mean, if you pass my... And if you pass the secondary course on pulling out, they'll never know. Oh, man.

Yeah, I mean, I guess even though we're not using double O agents, like, if I'm remembering it right, I think that just means you, if you reach a double O status, you have the license to kill. Yes, yeah. So maybe, like, I mean, we still need spies. Yeah, the Cold War is still happening.

Maggie Thatcher's still shitting in her rompers about the USSR, you know. So, yeah, he's just teaching spies. But they're just, you know, they don't have a license to kill. So M is like, I'm going to send you to an all-expenses paid spa, 007. And when you've learned how to... You have to lose weight, and you've got to, like, remove...

What does he call it? He needs herbal animals. Yeah, remove the free radicals from your system. You have to get those free radicals out of your blood system, 007. Before we'll even talk about you going back into the field, you need to be free radical free. See, when they're talking about, like, you got to get rid of these free radicals. I was like, oh, yeah, James Bond is going to be killing hippies. Oh, man.

I've got to execute these fucking hippies in San Francisco. Of course, it's 83. What hippies are he talks about? The last remaining hippies. Gonna hunt them down and kill them. There's a dangerous commune in Woodstock. A last shell. And so, like, right away, too,

we're making references to, like, better movies in a way, because M is like, well, you know, 2007, maybe my predecessor was okay with your activities, but I'm clearly not. And it's like, yeah, all right. So that dude that was cool with Bond being a pussy hound and saving the world all the time. It's one of those things where it's like, you know what, New M? The system ain't broke.

Okay. He has saved the world countless times. So obviously everything's working. Let him keep fucking. Let him keep eating his caviar and his red meat. Let him keep the vodka martinis. Don't fuck with a good thing. You get them all healthy and whatnot.

You're going to throw him off his game. In this condition, though, he could die in the line of combat. And then... He's a double O agent. He could die in the line of combat at any second. Are you talking about dropping dead from a heart attack?

Either way. Either or. He's got a punch in this movie, for sure. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah, mega. There's one part where... So then he goes to the spa. And they're like, you know,

he's getting checked out by a doctor, the workup, this, that, and the other thing. It's important to note that this doctor asks for a urine sample. Well, this nurse is like, oh, could you fill this beaker? She's at the other side of the room. And he's like, from here?

You want me to piss across the room to you, nurse aide? Which would be, I'd be like, yeah, here you go. Target practice. I got my merit badge and water sports. That was one of his courses that he was teaching today. Welcome to advanced water sports. Now, at first there's going to be some trepidation, but she'll get over it. You start.

That's how it works. You start. And then once the bridge, once the floodgates are open. You have no choice but to accept it. Exactly right. Just accept being covered in urine by James Bond. Urid plays an important role of this whole little sequence here. Oh, yeah.

At the end of the, at the real big payoff. Yeah, I mean, please keep in mind everybody. She asks for a urine sample. So this dude's like looking him over and everything and he's like, the scar tissue on your body, blah, blah, blah. And like, Connery sits up, there's no scars on him. Come on, makeup department. Yeah, you should have looked like paid forward. Exactly.

If he's, like, in his 50s. My body's a roadmark of pain. Like, we're supposed to believe that this is the same bond from the last Conneries, right? So, like, he's been doing stuff this whole time. Like, that dude needs to look broken as Batman in those, like, old Batman things. Yeah. Which brings to mind, like, that's the thing. If you're doing old Batman, you know that the threat of old Batman would continue through the whole story.

Sure. Not drop like this movie. No, exactly. And, like, this is also shot nips up. Like, you know what I mean? We're not showing the midsection with his shirt off. Just get my two pepperonies and up. Nothing below the pepperoni.

Welcome to advanced pepperoni. So he, of course, seduces his masseuse. Right. And it's kind of, this is the part of the movie. I think a drop threat of this movie is that he's a sex addict and he's an alcoholic. Because she comes to his room and be like, oh, James, I brought you a very nice little meal here, you know. It sounds disgusting. It's like lentil surprise and a kale.

And I'm throwing up. And he's like, oh, don't worry about it. I brought a big bottle of vodka because I need it. But he's also got like quail eggs and foggri-gras. He's going to fat cap. Yes. He's bringing it all the... He's like, I got the Doritos, right?

It is a suitcase full of treats. You know there's like snickers and shit. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Why wait? Hungry. It's amazing. I've got a bunch of cold burger king here. You're probably going to eat it on the toilet.

Snuck it in in my coat. It's been like scrunched up. Cold burger king. Broken cold burger cake. But the idea of a big fucking. bottle of vodka for yourself. No one else is going to be there. To be fair, I think he doesn't know

how long he's going to be there. Also, I mean... Well, you know, we could have been to be the big bottle. Listen. They've sentenced me to life. My grandfather just sits around drinking like straight vodka. He would bring a big bottle party of one. Guaranteed, the family size.

Former spy as well. It's the weight of the world at that point. So she's like, Like, well, this is an impressive snack suitcase. I guess I'll stick around. Hey, Q, could you make me a snack suitcase? Oh, sure, because I've got nothing else to do in this movie, 007. And this button's where the puddings pop out.

Go ahead, press that button. Do it. Ah, chocolate. Here comes the pudding. Gross. Oh, no, it's just more cold berger cane. Oh, sorry about my smushed whopper I'm eaten. Got a bunch of lovely.

loose nuggets down there. Go ahead and dig for them. So at some point around here we're then, you know, flashing around to meet different characters. We meet Barbara Carrera from Loverboy. She's the catalyst.

Oh, yeah. She's the Femfetal of this movie. Yep, that's right. That's a previous episode, Lover Boy, if you don't understand what we're talking about. Patrick Dempsey becomes a male prostitute. Right. Loverboy. Giving it away for money. Never did that. Could have retired from being a spy.

Yeah, fading jigolo, James Bond. Oh, yeah. It'd be better than that shitty fucking John Duturo movie. And he's got... Her name is Fatima Blush, I believe. She's a specter agent. And she's seducing. Anyone know what past We Hate Movies episode this guy's from?

Superman 3. Yeah. We called him Proto Jake Buse. And he still is. Yep. Well, this is... This is like a... movies before Superman 3

or after? So we're talking 83. I don't remember when Superman 3 was. That's probably actually just about the same time. This might have been his year. Oh, man. The year of this guy. What's his name? It's something nice sounding.

Whatever. That matter. So yeah, proto Jake Busey's in this movie. Internet ticker, Superman 3, 1983. Oh, it was the year of this guy, man. Wow. He dealt with Irving Kersner. He was in Superman 3, which is a pretty big role. He plays Pete. Is he Pete Ross in that movie? Did I make that out bad?

And he plays Brad in Superman 3 and his name is Gavin O'Hurley. Gavin O'Hurley. That's his name. Yeah. Yeah. He just looks like the perennial stepdad you never want to meet basically. Oh yeah. This is mom's boyfriend, you know, Fred. Yeah, totally. And he's also in Willow. Oh, no. Who's in Willow? You know what? Anybody. Yeah. In Willow, he's Eric Thogbear.

Yep, whatever. I'm sure he fights a lizard or something. So he's Kim Basinger's brother. Kim Basinger's coming up in this movie. And basically, he's a top whatever of... He's a pilot in the Air Force. Yeah. He's like...

High-ranking enough. Mr. America. I got secrets. Right. And basically they've... They're using his sister against him, saying we're going to kill her. you go along with this crazy plot that we have. Also, to keep him in line,

they've got him hooked on heroin. Oh, really? Yeah, that's one of the things in this movie. I miss that. Oh, yeah. I don't know there's a mind control drug. Well, I guess it kind of is. Oh, it totally is.

So when we meet this guy, right? So Fatima, like, goes, they're at the same resort as Bond. Who would have guessed? Totally. Small world, man. And so she's, like, taken care of this dude, and she's pretending that she's his, like, specialty nurse or whatever. and they go into this room

and the whole thing is like they're going to use this guy to, like he's going to activate this device where he's going to change plane coordinates so that these two like devices flying nukes are going to like land in the water and they're going to steal these two nuclear weapons. But this is like some crazy hokom here

because they're like trying to give him a contact lens so that his eyes exactly the like retina of the president of these United States. Correct. The only person who has access to make this kind of course correction is the president. And I actually appreciate it. I appreciate this part because it's the only time you get crazy super science nonsense. Yes, that's true.

In this entire movie, there's nobody with robotic hands, nobody has laser eyeballs. Well, there's a pretty cool video game coming up later. Oh, man. You know what? James Bond plays a video game. You know what? Pac-Man fever, gripping the nation. Pretty cool is one way to put it.

Yeah, but so they say they're like, oh, so. Cool is my burger game. Ice cold burger. King. Oh, no, I think I'm out of fries. Oh, no, if I open up the in-sheam, I could find a couple of more fries. Well, look at that. I thought I was out of fries, but then I got out of the car,

and there was a couple wedged in the bottom of the seat. Cold Burger King. Oh, it's a sad day for 007. Agent 007, your car is always greasy when it comes back to the garage. No, I don't want the gay whopper.

The fuck do you think I'm going to order that for. What's the gay Whopper? They did... Burger King, I've referenced this so much and it's like... The black whopper? No, no, no, no, no. They had like a pride whopper. Oh, that's fun. Whereas it came in like a rainbow rapper or a case or something.

Yeah, he would send that right back. Yeah, send it right back. You give me a fucking styrofoam container for that whopper. So I can eat the burger and then throw it on the fucking ground. Get me three more and I want them cooling in the back sheet. Because I don't know when I'm going to have dinner and I might miss it.

Hey, those whoppers better be ice cold when I get them. Drive-thru, boy. So anyway, there's some... M makes some mention of, hey, they've got this guy under their thumb. They're controlling him because they have him hooked on heroin. And so the whole thing is when they get to this resort, Jake Busey's, like, got the shakes. Gavin O'Hurley, not the actual Jake Busey, pro-Jakeyke Bucy.

So he's like, he's fucking sweating it out, man. And she's like, oh, Mommy's got to... your stuff or whatever it is. And that scene where like Bond is spying on them through a window. World's worst spy in the sequence. Holy cow.

He's just like, he's just a fat bozo walking around in sweatpants. Dude, he's like John Belushi and Animal House. It's like, oh, what's in this window? And they're just like, hey, who's that? And he's like, oh, and just runs away.

I was just trying to watch you have sex. Thought you'd be fucking, didn't think you'd be shooting up in here. I'll leave you to it. never had much use for the junk tried it a couple of times uh yeah no so like he has this eye implant

where it's it matches the president so they're going to make him use this device later but so yeah to keep him in control it's like we got your heroin big boy you know so they he gets caught immediately like or just immediately like the blinds fly up

and he's just like oh oh oh And he scurries away. It's amazing. Well, it's just, yeah, that's how I would react. And I'm not a super spy. You know what I mean? It ruined the illusion of James Bond for me forever. It's awesome because they're just like, say, I think that was James Bond.

Like, without fucking anything. He's like, uh, uh, oh, fuck. And he's immediately recognized. Well, everyone knows who he is. She just like takes out like night vision goggles or something, looks at the window, and he's just, he's like panting on the corner of. the building. Shouldn't have had that whopper. God damn free radicals.

Those ice cold free radicals. So they quickly dispatch the world's greatest super assassin after him. This guy's made out of rocks. This is a pretty good sequence in this film. Yeah, but it goes on longer than the fight from they live. Yeah, it goes on and on.

It just keeps going. And there's a, it's gag heavy. There's a sequence in this fight where he's fighting this heavy where everyone at this resort for some reason is inexplicably watching a boxing match at the same time. And it's like the punches are landing at the same time so no one notices what's going on. Yeah, it's like, is there no attendant anywhere else in the building at this like medical spa or whatever? Like they're all huddled in this room watching the boxing match.

The big match. While these dudes are throwing themselves through like doors and windows and breaking furniture. And again, like, this is not, he's not jaws, he's not, there's nothing, no cool design about this guy, he's just got a beard. I mean, he's really big. He's like, you know, probably six foot five. Big dude. Yeah. I mean, that's, I mean, that's, he's got black gloves on. I like, but there's no, like, I don't know, give him like a razor tooth or something. He's got some weird whip. He's got, yeah, I don't know what that thing is. He's just like a bite him. Yeah, he's the biter. He's got this one little device that looks like that old-timey exercise equipment that's just like a spring.

Yeah. And you pull it apart and that's how you exercise. It's terrifying. Mr. Burns would use it or something. Like he's whip and bond with this thing. And it like cuts through a knife really quickly. And I'm like, what the fuck is that spring doing? And they, he takes them into like some sort of service closet.

Wherein he like reaches like, oh, this guy can't be stopped. How am I going to do it? Here's my caloric urine in your face. It's a, well, the way they reveal it is amazing because it's like, I think it's actually, like, a laboratory that they break into. And he's like, something, something. And he just grabs the first, like, open beaker he can find and throws it in this dude's face.

And the dude's like, and he's, like, grabbing his face and screaming. And I'm like, burning acid. Yeah. I was like, nice Bond acid. And then he looks, like, Conner, he looks at the container. And it's like James Bond urine sample. And he accidentally falls into a bunch of stuff and stabs and stuff in the back, which is how he dies. That is so silly.

But also, he throws Bond into, like, the same shelving unit right before that happens. He's, of course, fine. But also, you're this super assassin from Specter. You know what? I think part of the training is they keep throwing urine in your face and you have to not react. You know what I mean? It should be. You got to be like, that's fine.

Keep going. It's like police trainees have to feel what pepper spray is like. Yes, exactly. But, like, yeah, I mean, he's like, ewe. Eel. He so overreacts to his urine when he's in a life or death situation. Yeah. Oh, God. It's so awesome. You'd think that like

that's what did him in, but yeah, he backs into a cabinet and some glass goes into his spine. He should have taken James Bond's course on water sports, and he'd know, just let it happen. You get splashed with urine. The way out is through. Could I taught you how to dodge a piss

jet. Chapter 11, ride the wave. that's right i also wrote a book on it yes that would somehow get up to at least 11 chapters james bodd's guide to water sports chapter 12 the drip oh god oh man so this dude's dead and he's like back in england and em's like flipping out like you supposedly slept with this man's wife and he's like no that's not it at all aren't you The head of a fucking spy agency? But again, like, it's just kind of weird. Like, you can't not... You can't go one weekend without sex, without booze.

Like, your job is on the line here, 007. Like, why don't you just take a weekend off? Can you take a weekend off? That's the thing. No, that's the thing, and I don't think so. It's kind of like Shane McGowan from the Pogues, how, like, if he were to stop drinking, he would just die. Sure. Right?

Like, he's, like, pickled his body to the point where... where, like, drinking probably keeps him alive. I think it's the same thing with Bond. If he stops the fucking and he stops the drinking and he stops the smoking, he's just going to drop dead. So he's got to keep doing all of it. To keep homie or stashes. Yeah, you have those vices for so long, man.

It's just what keeps you, it's what keeps you centered. Now, like, everything balanced in his body, like, with the introduction of the AIDS virus, not? Like, would it be okay? Like, would it just, it'd be like, yeah, I'm a carrier, but nothing's going to happen. Because I have going on in here. His immune system is as such that, like,

it's like HIV would not affect him. Right. It's, well, it's like that Mr. Burns reference, again, where it's like, you have all these diseases trying to go through the same door at the same time and they just all get blocked. Good old Three Stooges Syndrome. Yeah.

James Bond probably has an STD version of Three Stooges syndrome. Well, he's the only one who got an STD on the moon, you know? I mean, he's, he's, he has. has to be riddled with it. Oh, of course. Well, I was going to say him and Walter Koenig from Moontrap. He caught something from that alien, guaranteed. Oh, yeah.

So then we cut to Spector, and we get Max von Seido, who's, like, third build in this movie. He's in, like, two scenes, and it's such a waste. And he's playing Blofeld. He's doing a pretty good job. He's doing a pretty good job. They were able to get Blofeld's cat was licensed, I think. So, like, that's there. That's how you know it's Blofeld, because otherwise he doesn't really look like the Blofeld that's established in the, you know, previous movies.

It's kind of a cute cat video what he does because he calls the UN or whatever, or NATO actually. Right. And he's got this cat. And it looks like the cat is giving the demands because the thing is just centered on him the whole time. This camera is on the cat, like Von Seidows making this speech. Oh, man. I think Spector invented YouTube. They're both evil, nefarious organizations.

Dude, they're just, they are like now systematically, but very slowly bringing down the world. Now we get YouTube red coming out. You got to pay for your own destruction. These little YouTube stars. Oh, boy. Like, like Blofeld's cat. Yeah, well, those are, yeah, those are the motelber ones. You got those, like, really shiny little kids that talk in front of YouTube's.

Yeah, it'll give you chills for days. Those shiny little kids make more money in a year than we'll ever see in our lifetime. Easily. Oh, yeah. Easily. And great. Yeah. So, basically the plot is he, because of our friend there, proto Jake Busey, he stole two nukes.

Right. And he's basically telling everybody, look, this is what I did. And you have two days. He does say two days, right? Am I nuts? Yeah, something like that. Because the timeline of this movie is all off because James Bond goes on five vacations. And the threat of these nukes being launched is never mentioned.

Not especially. No. It's also important to keep in mind, like, yeah, Blowfeld is the head of Specter, but the guy, the specter operative. The Cells really called me the options. No, the real operative here, who's running the scheme this time around is Largo. Sure. Who in this movie looks like a cross between Roger Ebert and Christian Slater. It kind of looks like Phil Collins.

a bit. This dude has way more hair than Phil Collins ever had. He was in Out of Africa. Oh, good for him. He's also the dude from that version of Mephisto, like the big famous version of Mephisto.

I think he's actually good as a bad guy. He's good in this role, yeah. Yeah, but it just sort of doesn't materialize into much like most of this movie. So basically, the clock is going, and, you know, like, it's the thing where he's got, I've got two nuclear weapons, and apparently America did make

this happen and everyone turns like thanks nice going america and like yeah there's some generally well we've never been to this problem before all of our fail shapes have worked till now but like who knew they'd make a replica of the president's eyeball it's like that's not a good answer to a worldwide crisis it's like well it's always worked in the past yeah i think that's America's answer for everything yeah it used to work it's been working did we mention how Now, is proto Jake Busey taken out of service at this point? Oh, yeah, this is so, it's happening like simultaneously, so we're cross-cutting between this cat-making threats to NATO with Max von Saito in the background doing absolutely nothing. That's good, Mr. Mittenz.

And then so... I love you so much. Fatima has to take out, you know, all the loose ends. So Jake Bucy, we've used his fake eyeball. He's useless to us now. So he's driving down the road, like singing a jaunt. tune and she pulls up alongside I'm like, hey baby or whatever

and then proceeds to throw a snake in his car. This is like a huge python. This is insane. There's so many easier ways to kill this guy. Just put a bomb in his car. At the end of it. This is also not like you could survive a snake

in your car. It's not ideal. You might get bitten up. Well, he then flies into a brick wall and is presumed dead. He drives right off the road but then she gets out of the car goes up takes the snake and she's like oh my

poor baby oh I love you and she's like kissing the snake and I'm throwing up everywhere and then she puts a bomb under it and then blows him up it's like why did you need part A just part B it unless you wanted me to be laughing because I'm laughing it's a fucking funny way

to start killing somebody it could have been a quick way to kill someone but they decide this movie's like no no no no how about 10 minutes yeah exactly how much can we just stretch this till it's almost going to burst a hole in it. How much do we have to stretch it? And doing things like throwing a snake in the car

to make somebody drive off the road before you put a bomb in a car. Just Robert De Niro, this guy in the casino, that's it. That's a move you pull on Indiana Jones. What if Jake Bucie liked snakes? If he was like, oh, thanks for the snake. I'll tell you this, though, this movie breaking down all sorts of barriers here, making all sorts of first.

you ever see a woman throw a snake from one car to another? Nope, you have now. Thanks, never say never again. That's not my favorite animal stunt in the movie, because we'll get there. Oh, oh, Lord, have mercy, is that great? So, M has to react. The prime minister tells M to, or just whomever this head guy in this meeting is, tells M to reactivate the double O's because, hey, Spectre's back in town, we've got to do some shit.

And apparently Bond is the only one that's ready. for the job. I guess so. Like, because he specifically uses plural like the double O's and then it's just

bond farting around. Now, is it plural because he's so fat? Because I don't think there are any other double O's. They're all like dead or something.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Like I feel like we should I want to see more of them. I want to see more of them. You never do get to see enough for the double O's. I want to see like a,

a legion of double O's because there must be, right? Oh, you see other double-O's in some of the other movies. Six was a cool dude. Was that Golden Eye? That was Sean Bean, yeah. For England, James.

Blammo. Why isn't that guy in this movie? I mean, not John Bean, but like that character. Well, because instead we're going to sidle him with Bonn's French counterpart and then Felix Lider, who, this was the first time they made Felix Lider Black, and it was on Connery who was like, well, Felix is such a great character, but no one remembers him because he's white. Why don't you make him black? so I'll stand out. But it's a good move. You know,

diversify the cast at all. Yeah, I just wish this dude was a good actor. He's on TV, I think he's a TV dude. Oh, is he really? But so, I mean, we don't see any other double-os, but there's an amazing part where they're like brainstorming as to how, like, internally in the MI6 office, they're brainstorming, like, how could this have possibly happened?

Like, how could have America cocked it up this bad? And it's like this, that maybe it was this. And then Bond is just like, What if they found some way to make a replica of the president's eyeball? Well, don't be ridiculous. Dude, it's amazing. Like Emma's had it. He's like, oh, come along, Bon.

That is ridiculous. Oh, I saw it happen. Don't say it didn't see it happened. It happened. Oh, that's who he is. No, he's the high school teacher in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. Oh. Felix later.

Sorry. Oh, that's amazing. That's a real role. Well, I learned something today. So he goes first to the Bahamas, right? Yeah, we're in the Bahamas. And the second, and this is where the sex addiction comes in. Because the second he gets off that plane, he's like, oh, where is it?

I can smell it. It's everywhere. Oh, oh, the sex. I know I have work to do, but I'm going to put my job and family in jeopardy just to have sex one more to three more times. Oh, I need it. I need it more than cold burger king Oh wait a minute Combining sex

With cold burger king My Johnson's never been harder He comes out He starts hitting on this woman immediately And he's like He's almost about to just like Again the world has two days to live And he's like well

What are you doing later? This isn't his first rodeo Okay Look if he's not going to have sex He's endangering the mission. That's how James Bond works. He's got to fuck. He's got to get drunk. He's got to go gambling

for a little bit. And now that he's older, he's got to eat. He's got to have something at 4.30. I think Steve was on to something. There's definitely a mixing of all these. Oh, yeah. Perverse. Oh, yeah. James Bond, laying down by a fire with a lady, you know,

pastrami is the most sensual of all the cured meats. Dude, it's George Costanza with the sandwich making in bed. Absolutely. It's disgusting Here's a question Because he always winds up sleeping with the femme fatale It's kind of always by accident, right?

You catch more flies with honey, I guess I just put my dick out and see what happens Eventually, certainly a super spy will come And have sex with like a moth to the flame His logic is like, I'm going to sleep with this woman There's a 50-50 chance She either turns up dead Or turns out to be working for the villain

Yeah, exactly. he'll go for it so he's in the bahamas oh one thing though before he gets sent to the bahamas is we have like this scene with cue there's only one instance with cue and it's amazing because it's like early 80s england and we're talking about how like times are changing and things tough and this that the other thing and he's like well 007 there's just no money for anything around yeah i guess i can just give you this pen i usually have a nice car for you or some sort of jetpack or something but here's a pen that explodes it's a pen that explodes and he gets a laser watch right

oh right he's got the laser watch and then he says this is great he's like this is sort of like the casing for a motorcycle that I might mail to you if I finish it whatever dude I mean honestly though why it just strikes me as uninventive because that's the whole point of a James Bond movie is like the cue scene now

there's the three things he's going to use are going to be totally outrageous and cool I mean he uses these things but only one of them is outrageous and cool there's no money for anything this is the all this is the alt bond the real bond film has some cool things in it i'm sure that's what you know i don't remember what the gadgetry situation is in octopussy but the budget was probably higher you know what i mean like this is one of those movies where like the producers started paying

out of pocket because he had no idea how much a movie cost like those are the people making this movie which you'd kind of be surprised because like don't you think kersner could have just been like hey so that time i directed that star wars movie um You needed a ton of money. Do you have a ton of money? We're getting there. Because I want Boba Fett in the third act. And if he's not in it, we can't afford to have him Boba Fett in the third act.

That'd be great. James Bond is frozen and carbonate. Oh, sure. Why not? Yeah, why not? Instead, so he goes to the Bahamas. And after he sort of like flirts with this one woman, one of the first people he meets is like his man on the,

the ground in the Bahamas, and it's Mr. Bean. Yeah, Rowan Atkinson. Immediately gets, yeah, he immediately gets his head stuck in a turkey. Where do they even get that in the Bahamas? He didn't know they had frozen turkeys down here. He's a character they don't know what to do with. He has like one and a half scenes, maybe. Like, I mean, like, you know, he's doing his best comedic, whatever.

I mean, I'm a big Rowan Akinzen fan, but, like, he doesn't have anything to do. He's just like, oh, I guess I'm afraid of things. he's bad at his job well he like works i think the thing is like now that the the double o's are reactivated or whatever like he's not used to that shit so he's like he's like a dude who was like i'm just a paperwork guy or whatever i'm not used to being a super spy and whatnot but like listen this movie's silly enough as it is i don't need a known comedian coming in and yucking it up and that's all he's doing is yucking it up he's doing a silly voice he's got a silly haircut he's doing a silly face

the whole time. You're just supposed to be laughing at him. And it's like, look, silly haircut, silly face is right there. It's Sean Connery. It's covered. It's totally covered. And it's hilarious already. Oh, yeah. I'm laughing my nuts off. Oh, you don't want to do that. You don't want to lose him. Someone didn't read Chapter 9.

Keep your nuts where they are. So he likes to say he makes a date with Fatima Bludge to go on her boat. And they're going to go scuba diving. And it's this. They have sex first. Oh, well, and that's what I was getting to. This sex scene, like, you know, with Bond, it's like, oh, let's just lay down here and then we're going to transition to something else. It's 1983 and we're not canon.

So in comes the fucking. And it's like, like, there's no nudity or anything in the sex scene. But there's definitely like a shot of, like, you can't see him. They're basically having sex in the storage room of her boat and the doors open. And you can only see what's going on in the doorway. and she is like, you definitely can see her being thrusted upon. And, like, that's not in these movies, but it's the 80s. The saxophone is out of control.

Well, the score of this movie is notably terrible. It's garbage. Yes, absolutely. There's no theme, which, again, that's a bond thing. Right. That's a canon thing that you couldn't afford. Make something up. You know what I mean?

Anything. Some sort of consistent score. Give Johnny Williams a call. You know, he'll do something for. for you. I don't think you can afford John Williams on this production man, just putting that out there. Sure. I mean, maybe Ron Williams. Irvin

Kirshner, he might know him. Do a favor, John. Oh, that's true. Do a favor. Do a favor for old Irv. For England, John. For Queen and Country. Yeah, so, like, he's just clearly having sex with this woman. We're

cut in between, this is amazing. It's like them fucking, the saxophone is all over the place. I should say saxophone. Excuse me. It's the saxophone, for sure. Big time. We're at, like, 11 with this sex. The amount of jazz in this James Bond movie. Yep.

And then what's great is we're cut into these shots of this aquarium, and these fish are just, like, looking at them. Like, why is this chick fucking that old man? Like, these curious and confused fish are just like, what's going on? And meanwhile, the saxophone is just raging. I'm glad my memory is garbage. I don't want to remember this at all. Good thing we'll be dead in a week.

So, yeah, so we go fishing, or scuba diving, rather. Scuba diving for no reason, which she puts some sort of a beacon on his backpack or on his, his air tank, which calls radio-controlled sharks. They're not radio-controlled, but they somehow respond. It's like a sonar. They're sensing it. Hey, what's that over there? Say, picking up something on my own human detector. I'm usually thirsty for Brody.

but Bondies will do. Ooh, some fish and chips, extra greasy. And like six sharks descend on this sunken ship and, like, start trying to weasel their way into the boat. She swims off, like, talk to you later. The best part of this whole entire scene is James Bond closing the door on a fucking shark. He's like, I said good day, sir.

I said, nope, nope. Hey, I just want to say hello. Hey, have you found guys? yet? Baby, let me in. Baby, I'm sorry. Now, baby, come on. We can talk about this. You're all out to second chances, shark. Stuff your sorries on a shack. You're always saying that. I don't know what it means. Let's just talk about this. Go stay at your brothers. I don't want to have this conversation again. Pipe down the neighbors are going to hear you. Sick of them calling the cops on us.

There's one more chance, baby. I can change. I can change. Why don't you let me in? I'm not going to be yelling. If you let me in, they won't hear anything. It's just amazing. He, like, locks the door on his shark. It's like the shark is going to pick the lock.

That'd be great. I'm super smart, like my deep blue sea brethren. Pick. So he realizes that, you know, the thing, the beacon's doing it, and he throws it away. He doesn't do a nice Adam West punched to the nose, which I kind of wanted. I want you fist-fighting sharks, man. Or fist fucking that shark. It is a James Bond movie

Yeah, you know what one or the other That's a Kindle single I did after my book Instead of doing a whole new edition I put out a Kindle single on fist fucking shot Something told me I couldn't get 12 chapters On fist fucking a shark Kindle single will do Oh my well do I have colon cancer or what

What is it my birthday Hey I guess there is a male g spot Good gravy Oh Dolphins never had it this good God So whatever

The sharks don't get James Bond He runs a foul Of that woman that he flirt with before. She reels him in, by the way. Yeah, it's like a play on what they were talking about. She's like, I'm fishing for something that's six foot two and handsome and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, you don't have to go fishing for that.

You don't even have to leave the duck for that one, baby. You know, I'm about six, six, five. You measure me from fin to fin, 570 pounds, black eyes. You know, I'm going to put that funny man's toupee on. suddenly I'm looking pretty good. And, I mean, again, because he's a sex addict, he has to have sex with this woman, too. Like, he just had sex too.

Could you imagine it? Like, just having sex two hours before and then being like, I need it. Oh, it's not nearly enough for the day. Jake Busy was getting the sweats from not having his sweet Mexican brown. And Connery's getting the sweats from not fucking, you know, more than once every two hours. It's pretty obvious.

They wind up going to his hotel. Wait, well, wait a second. Amazing detail that happens. So Fatima Blush is like, yeah, I got him. Spector's going to be so proud. Can't wait to get back to number one and tell that cat that I succeeded. And so she's like... It's the cat, right?

The cat's called a shot. We work for the cat. Is that right? Because that's what I've been thinking. Number three, what do you think about that? You've been here longer than me. I'm 12. Is it the cat or what?

Oh, I hear his bell collar coming. Stop talking about him. But she's like standing on the dock, like rubbing her hands together, like, ah, Bond is dead. I'm the best specter agent of all time. I did the impossible. Killed 007. Cut to, like, this big, like, hubbub. And she's like, say, what's all that noise?

Boy, the Bahamas sure are fun. It's Bond and this woman, they've pulled back into port. and John Connery is wearing denim overalls And he's got this huge fish And everybody's like taking pictures Like yeah I snagged a barracuda While I was inside her Take pictures of that

Look at these denim overalls I've got on Overeals that don't overall Oh but they just Just enough they cover my pepperonies Dude I'd love it if he turned around his fucking ass was hanging out of these overalls. But it's just this stupid bit of comedy and she's like, ah, foiled again, he's not dead.

Then they go to Paris for some reason, right? Like, that's what's going on. Paris. Or France, right? They fly somewhere to meet Felix Leiter and the French lady. Yes, that's right. It's somewhere in France, they do go.

Yeah, because that's where What's His Face is. Largo and Kim Basinger, we can get in their relationship. Oh, man. He's got this weird sliver setup, which is pretty interesting. it's a jerk off cave it is it's where she gets her it's her dance studio i guess she's a dancer sure um he's got an elevator in his yacht that goes directly there you got a nice two-way mirror they show him from behind watching this and he's moving a little bit and i'm like what the fuck's going on in this scene he's pleasuring himself yeah yeah yeah and it's like she's working with some

choreographer and i think what it is is like largo's tuning in right now to make sure that this dude's pulling anything? Sure. And so like, yeah, the wall goes back and it's a two-way mirror and he's just like giggling and watching them do it to it. And he's like, okay, yeah, this choreographer is not pulling anything. All right, I've had enough. And like closes it.

But it's like, yeah, he's pleasuring himself in this command center, guaranteed. And what, the costume design on Kim Basinger in this movie, you guys noticed it, right? Yep. What, how she's just wearing like this dancer? She's essentially

topless this entire movie. Oh yeah. It's pretty see-through. Yeah. It's completely see-through. And later, pretty bottomless as well, to be quite honest. She's less without the entire film. Right. Oh, and she's I mean, she's also a pre-existing character. She's playing Domino. That's a real person from... That's a real person. That's a real bond character from fucking Thunderball. I know. I'm just... Oh, no. Domino is not a real person like IR. Oh, but the

the Kira Knightley movie, that's an IRL. real person, right? That's based on fact, hard, cold facts. Yeah, did anybody see that movie? No. No. Yeah, that's what I thought. Did you? No. All right. That's how I'm just making sure we're all square here as far as ignoring the movie

Domino. Yeah, we're all good. So, he comes in, he's like, oh, my beloved, and he's like, here's my... Yeah, it's one of those things where I'm like, is this sexual slavery? It gets there. I would say maybe it's more of a hostage situation. No, she's into it.

She seems to like him. She's got the, what do they call that, Stockholm Syndrome. Oh, it might be like Stockholm Syndrome light, though, because, like, he, in this scene, like, he barges in and he's playing the piano and it breaks up the dance rehearsal, which I guess she's just getting ready for, like, a recital that they're going to have on the boat. I don't know. And, you know, so she's like, oh, I missed you and blah, blah, blah. He's like, yeah, I had to go to my big, you know, super villain meeting, you know, and the cat kept me late, I apologize. My cat was just meowing long into the night, meowing all these orders at me.

Cat always likes to call fucking meetings a Friday at 5 o'clock. It's just like, man, I have checked out for the week cat. I do not need this. But she, like, he gives her this presence, like a necklace and whatnot. And what it comes down to is, like, she says something about like, what would I do, you know, what would you do if I left you or whatever? And he's like, ha ha ha ha ha. And she's like, no, really.

And he's like, I would cut to a throat. Yeah. And walks out. And she's like, when he leaves the room, she's got this like, oh, this is miserable. This is the Stanford prison experiment. Yes. Right? That's what this is, right?

It might be. Yeah, he gives her a necklace, by the way, called the Tears of Allah. And it's, um, sounds fun. Yeah, it's a map to some place that's going to be important later in the movie. Who cares? She goes to a health spa and gets sexually molested by James Bond Right Well as was the fashion at the time

This is insane This is like this is a sexual assault So Bond is trying to get information about Largo The only way I know how with my fingers Let my fingers do the talking So he goes up to Domino and he's like Oh I'm your masseur for the day Let's get these cold French fry fingers

underway. He gets like a sweater from this spa as well to disguise himself. Dude, he is in a sweatsuit through 65% of this movie. I will various sweatsuits. I do feel like he just the point, part of this movie was he

showed up overweight and that was all she wrote and let's write the script differently. Which is amazing. You've been trying to get this movie made for 20 years or give or take. You had some time to get to the gym, Sean Connery. Just saying the girdle budget was

enormous that's why they couldn't get the theme song because they blew it on girdles and Q was developing a secret girdle this whole time the prop department was like Jesus is Dan Akroyd starring in this movie or what ooh I would want to see I want to see that

James Bond yeah sure this is believable we're on our mission from England when he walks in he follows her into this spa by the way and he goes up to like the front desk and he's like do you service men here some more than others is what she says yeah she wants to have sex

him because he's so goddamn good looking there is a there's a cut scene of him getting it on with her I need it right now it's almost noon and I haven't had sex yet but the weird thing is so he's like oh I'm your shoes for the day what do you will would you like it hard or soft and she's like oh hard you know because my back is sense of a dancer right and he does this it's the most unsettling massage I've ever seen like

If a hard massage, it's like people are getting in there, they're kneading stuff. Oh, they beat the shit out of you. He's just like stroking her up and down her back, not even moving his fingers. And she's like, oh, that feels so good. I would be so grossed out. Well, you know, Steve, as it turns out, he's not a trained masseuse. I know that, but even still. He's rubbing all this Whopper Jr. grease on him?

But it's just like his fingers are like light to the touch. It would just like make my back so itchy. Some of this is from mayonnaise. Special sauce. That's McDonald's, God damn it. Burger King's just a tub of mayonnaise. Dude, James Bond only eats Burger King. Lukewarm, too cold.

Was there even a Burger King in England at that time? I mean, probably. There definitely was by the time King Ralph came out. Remember that? Oh, yeah. He totally takes her to Burger King in that movie. Wait, this is a... alternate James Bond.

I think this takes place in the same universe as King Ralph. Oh, wow. I'm working for King Ralph. For King Ralph and country. I think that's what we're in for. I take orders

from John Goodman in a bowling alley. The King of England turned me on to Burger King. Man, that movie fucking stink. And from that day forward, every church of England was replaced with a Burger King. I mean, so, you know, she's like, oh, that feels so good because you go lower and he like starts touching her ass.

Right. And then he's like, oh, got to go. And he gets some information. Obviously, Blofeld's throwing a party because obviously, and he runs away. Largo. Largo, I apologize. Largo's. Bloffeld is busy doing nothing in this movie.

He's making YouTube happen. You have to go deal with. with James Bond. I'm here creating YouTube. I'm going to play this YouTube video for my cat of birds. Look at him react. How cute is this?

Oh, now my cat's playing the keyboard. I mean... He finds out Largo's having this party on his body. He skiddattles out, and then the lady's like, oh, it's time for your masseuse. And she's like, wait, what? Who is that other guy? She's like, other guy, sexual assault.

everybody except that kim baseners like say yeah no i'd be so fucking grossed out and file charges no see this movie's saying that's the move to do you want to want to impress a lady's all right this is what you do you disguise yourself as a masseuse so you put on a baggy sweatsuit first thing yours you find out exactly when she has an appointment and get in there real quick right before the real guy yeah smart move man just to get your feelies on and then you skedaddle oh i just need to some feelys. I've had sex three times today and masturbated four, but I need some extra feelys

to get me to dinner. Pardon me, where's the nearest bathroom or coat closet? I'm a depraved lunatic. He is. No, he totally is. So Largo's having... I'm sorry, he's 50 fucking two years old man. Get a wife and get a kid

and stop being a fucking gross creep. How about that, James Bond, you sad old bastard? Well, speaking of bastards, I'm sure he's riddled the world with that. Yeah, I'm sure he does have kids. Well, the other thing, to be fair, by the way. James Bond Jr. In 1980, there was a nephew, by the way.

There was a nephew. Yeah, that's his story. 1983, I mean, Roger Moore is still at it. Like, we're making an octopusy the same year. And he's just disgusting and old, too. So, like, you've got this world where it's like, wow, two James Bond's. Oh, they both can get a coffee at McDonald's for 37. sense. Damn.

Yeah, I think I both ride the bus for free, whatever the fuck. So he goes to Blofeld's party. Sorry, Largo, I apologize. Largo's party. Blago's party is a birthday party for his cat. Look, he's got mittens on his paws. And everyone's really creeped out by it. Yeah, the rest of the Spector agents, like, you know, one is on assignment, that's Largo, 12, Fatima's helping him out.

Two through 11 are just like, oh, God. Damn it. This stupid Blofeld cat party. What do you get in Blofeld's cat this year? Nip, just like last year. And I'm going to snort it, so I get really fucked up. Whoa, does that work? Yeah, I was the same question. Oh, I don't know.

Well, I'm going to find out tonight. I got tons of that shit in my house. Oh, yeah, I got some. Oh, boy. The cat party. Kitten party, bitches. We're at this. Casino.

Sorry, just in case you're wondering, that's my impression of Ted Allen, who once tweeted kitten party. So ever since I've been always saying, Ted Allen from Chops. Yes, he tweeted kitten parties. I'm like, kitten party, bitches. It's a pretty good Ted Allen impression. I watched a ton of Chopped. I like that.

So, yeah, he goes there and he has this, he winds up getting into a competition with Largo. and it's amazing because at first it's a traditional James Bond movie we're all playing like fancy casino games It's a bunch of European card games that I will never know how they're played The Baccarat and all that Exactly right And then he oh Kimbysinger opens the door

To the grossest groatiest Cabinet arcade games you've ever seen Oh man is this disgusting There's no need to have a tuxedo And champagne while you play a cabinet arcade You know, hanging out with King Ralph, I've came down with quite a Pac-Man fever myself. And I started rooting for the Bears. Why would this casino have this installed?

It makes no sense. I mean, it's not, it's not Largo's decision. He's just renting the place for the evening. No, this is on his boat, I think. No, it's in a casino. No, it's just a casino on land. That's gross. He's renting out for this charity auction that he claims, like, all this money's going to, like, kids or whatever?

Do you think if you took this James Bond and sat him down in front of space invaders, he would actually, like, I got to defend the, like, he'd think it's real? Like, he'd, like. It's entirely possible. He's so warped at this point. I know. He's so far gone. So that, this is the precursor to, you know, uh, um, what you're going. Domino. Domino and

Bonn start chatting it up and she's like, I remember when you sexually assaulted me earlier. That was fun. But I bought you this bloody Mary, so shut up. It's a lot of money. It's an expensive drink. You owe me. I'll order a double bloody Mary.

It's just plain rude. Oh, fuck, $20 on one drink. Why do you think I eat so much Burger King? That's what he says, but he's just ordering a tomato juice. He's taking out his big bottle of that. Yes, please just stick some pickles and celery in this tomato juice. Please, please. It's a four lady.

What I'm going to do, when I ask, when I order a bloody merry, just give me tomato juice. And when I ask for a double martini shaking not stirred, just give me a glass of water. I'm going to drink in the bathroom by myself and jerk off because I need to to get through this whole three-hour ordeal. Did I mention I'm a sex addict? A dirty sex addict. So, I mean, they talk it up, and Largo's like, oh, what are we talking about? Hope it's video games. Because here it comes.

And Largo's like, you know, I'm a video game freak. I actually invented my own video games. I sure did. And then they sit down for like a halo sesh for a while, you know? It looks like they're about to play like the world's biggest battleship game, by the way. It's like the size of an air hockey table with like a window in the middle of it. And again, they try and class it up. It's like an old lady, it's like an old lady dining room set with joysticks on either end.

Dude, yeah, it's like your grandmother's stereo, honestly. Like, definitely, your grandma definitely one of the big old wooden hi-fi stereos. That's what this thing looks like. And these, like, two shitty joysticks come out of it that look like they're made from ivory. And I bet you they are. It's classy. Largo had a fucking elephant kill to make these things. I mean, it's kind of a video game I wish existed.

It's like risk or something. It's like shock risk. Yeah, but it shocks you. Well, it's like risk mixed with Star Fox. I feel what this game looked like to me. It's kind of using the actually, you know, the old Star Wars arcade game where you sit inside and do the, it's basically you do the Death Star Mission? It looks like that. Yeah.

Yeah, you're totally right. Like, just, you know, that's where video games were at the time. A lot of sharp lines. Yeah. Right. But you're telling me that James Bond, who doesn't play video games? Of course not. It's going to sit down and be the master of this.

two joystick video game. He plays video games. Ever since King Ralph. King Ralph came to power. His reign of terror. So they're playing this thing. And yeah, so the whole thing is like if you are getting hit, like it starts shocking you and whatever.

And this is a bullshit thing because, like, Largo engineers his own defeat here because he allows Bond to take two mulligans. Yeah. Like the whole thing is like, if you lose, you owe me this much money or, you know, whatever it is right it's like each like like oh now you have to conquer japan and that's $16,000 oh right yeah like the final thing is like the united states for 40,000 or then the world or whatever yeah yeah it's like japan the united states he gets beaten both times and i guess he's like Woody harrelson hustling him at this point that's what i was i was like is the fix

in does he know what's going on because apparently like he's really bad at it and like he he doesn't expect the shock so he releases right away and the second time like the shock the shock becomes too much and he, like, barrels over because he's an 89-year-old man. Yeah, he falls over. Oh, my heart. Like, stop playing this electroshock video game, but that's what's happening to you.

The only thing I'm really good at is that video poker with the naked ladies. What's the difference between the two pictures with the nudie version only? I would actually think that he would enjoy playing this shock game because, like, the erection is, like, being helped by the electrocution. Oh, this is getting me gone.

It's good for my boner. I was thinking it. But I was like, let that one go. Yeah, so, like, he plays this third round, and he's like, you got to put it at full power blowfeld or Largo. So, like, they're getting, like, they're getting electrocuted. And he's, like, kicking his ass. And then, like, Largo screams and he's like, oh, my, you know,

perfect little petite hands. Yes. That's what he says, exactly. Your hands are. Aunt Callist. And then he goes to, like, cut this check, and he's just like... It's like $249,000 he owes him. Yeah, and it's just like...

He's $3 money, by the way. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's a big hit. That's an island. But, you know, Bond's on the job, so he can't be taking this bribe. So he's like, I'll trade it all in for one dance with domino. And he's just like, okay, I'll save that money. This is really fascinating because you say that, whatever, you're like winning gracefully.

Yeah. You know, there's a big party. You'll have your moment. you have your dance instead this lardo's like I pick the music and everyone watches no one else can dance every single person has to watch you tango yeah he like commands this ballroom to stop

everything play this tango and this is it's the most unprofessional thing if you could believe it that bond does in this movie well it's amazing it's like they're tangoing sex ladies like by the way your brother's dead now keep dancing she's like wait what Wouldn't it be amazing if she just dropped to the floor and sobbed? I mean, I'm sorry.

Yeah. She probably should. I have a ton of family. If any of my I've always told any of my siblings were dead, I would stop everything I was doing. Do you mean you'd stop dancing? I might actually stop dancing and sob on the floor. Like he's, the whole movie,

ever since he, like, when he starts like hanging out with Domino or when they meet or whatever, he knows that this dude is dead. And when he makes the connection that the brother and sister, he's like, oh how am I gonna tell her So this is Yeah and it's just like

Periodically throughout the movie He's like you know that brother of yours And she's like yes He's like never mind You know it's like he's trying to find a way And then I think he's just like You know what the hell with it? He's dead

Now keep tangoing And that turns her against Largo immediately So she's willing to help him Right right right And he's like I'll come to lunch tomorrow Don't worry it's gonna happen We're going to have a nice brunch. And from here, like, it's kind of just, like, a big whatever, you know, we're going onto the boat,

and then it's just the slowest Bond movie of all time. Well, there's a chase first. Oh, oh, oh, the best part of the movie. Yeah, exactly. We have to go on a chase. Chicken fries are back. Be cake. King Ralph just decreed the chicken fries come with every meal.

Limited time only. oh actually there's a great gag man i want to make a movie called the madness of king ralph that'd be a good movie that'd be great movie you oh actually here's how you do it you make a fake documentary right just like that movie confederate states of america oh okay where it's like what would have happened if the south won the civil war what would happen if king ralph actually became the king of england i would like it to be found footage actually found in the ruins of england It's just a series of John Goodman making terrible decisions for the United Kingdom.

I love it. Oh, it would be great. You wish Peter O'Toole had overthrown him at that point. Oh, man. Oh, and that's the dumb part of that movie. It turns out Peter O'Toole is actually the King of England. Yeah, or something. They wouldn't have somebody flubbed that, right?

Because the whole thing's Peter O'Toole's like, I didn't think I could be a good king. It's like, shut up, Peter O'Toole. They would make you be king and like it. Over King Ralph, absolutely. Yep. No, I'm taking the black. Going to defend the wall. That is a stay tuned, by the way, I think. Oh, King Ralph?

Yeah. Oh, that movie's ridiculous. Dude, he's playing, like, some good old-fashioned honky-tunk American music. It's gross. Some rat and roll. Yeah. All those dignitaries are disgusted with him through that whole reception. So, James Bond goes back to his MC Escher meets...

Oh, yeah. M.C. Escher meets George Lucas Villa that he's in. Oh, absolutely. Because it's all these crazy white, like, sharp stairs and these crazy lamps that look like IG88 all over the fucking place. That's the kind of a lamp I like.

I think this is, like, if the Skywalker's were rich, that's where they're living. Like, Uncle Owen and Ambru could, if they could afford it, they'd be living in this place. Right. If people really needed moisture more, I guess. Or if Baru's blue milk recipe took off.

I don't know if that's a recipe. I think that's just Dubax, man. Doobacts go blue, baby. Yeah. Just you gotta wake up early milk your doobax. This non character who's this French lady that's like a part of the French secret service.

She's the French counterpart to Bond. Just like lighter is the American counterpart. She's dead and James Bond's like, oh, you're shut of her, bitch. I was going to fuck her! Now look what happened! Now I'm going to have to order three porno movies tonight. Oh, great. Now you're making me

necrophiliac. Thanks a lot, Largo. Oh, geez. And Fatima Blush is like, who's dressed like she's taking orders from Skeletor in this scene, by the way. She was like Skeletor's number two, not fucking, not Largos. What's amazing is the transformation of this character, because before this whole thing, she's just kind of like this lackluster, whatever, she's trying to seduce him, playing the Fem Fatal thing,

and like kind of being bad at being a villain. And then at the casino, Largo is like, okay, you have a second chance, go find out where their villa is, where they're, like, hanging out. And she instantly turns into the Joker. Yes. And she is just dancing through this whole movie after this. Like, it's something about a second chance from Largo, and she is just bebopping and scatting all over this place. So he finds her, she jumps in her car, drives away. Bond's motorcycle from Q

finally came in the post Q decided to use FedEx 2 day Yeah exactly That showed up just in time He didn't get fucked by Columbus Day Thank God And yeah he speeds off And it's a pretty okay chase

It's a good chase They try to round him up in like The back of a semi truck He like spins the motorcycle around And uses like the ramp to jump over all the cars And everything The chunky buttons on this motorcycle by the way Oh, absolutely.

It's like he's playing Simon by himself. Green. Green yellow. Yellow, red, green. Played Simon. Yeah, and I think that's supposed to be like green, yellow, red, like, little speed bursts or whatever. Yeah, and it's a little thing. And I think he's got some other, like, ramming motor devices and such.

It's Fast and Furious up in here. And also, I feel like this motorcycle's, like, gadgetry is not used to the fullest extent like Hugh intended it to be. Well, it's also, it's got. a lot of weight on it. It's not really designed for that. Him in this outfit, though, with, like, the big souped-up motorcycle, doesn't he look like the killer from Nightmare Beach? He does.

I wanted someone to touch that motorcycle and get electrocuted to death. It would have been awesome. I'm great. Well, actually, that's a car, right? I'm a car. As big as a car. He turns into a car like a moonwalker. Oh, that'd be great.

That movie, I don't even know if that's a state dude. I don't even know if I could talk about that movie. I, you know, it's a weird, that might be like a bonus episode of anything. I still haven't seen it. You've got to see. It's bizarre. Joe Pesci chasing down kids and stuff. I played the video game.

And claymation sequences galore. Oh, yikes. There's got to be a twist here that, like, I feel like Joe Pesci was really the hero of that movie. Yes. Because he's trying to get Michael away from those kids. God bless him. So he gets cornered in some like whatever and Fatim has got him. and this is ridiculous.

Oh, it's pretty stupid. She's got a gun on him, and she's about to blow his brains out. And she's like, Sam, the best you ever had, right? And it's like, she's weird. And he's like, well, I guess there was this one woman in Philadelphia. It's like, no, there wasn't. First of all, no, there wasn't. James Bond in Philadelphia, my ass.

That is a movie that needs to have. Am, what am I going to do here? You eat a fucking cheese steak. There's nothing to be done in Philadelphia. That's where he got his taste for. American slices and whiz and then that's when the Burger King happened. He needs to get something similar when he's not in Philly.

Oh, I know what the movie is. So they're like, oh, someone is, you know, Blofeld is going to blow up the American capital. And for some reason, the records haven't been changed. So they still think it's in Philadelphia. Where's the White House? Felix Lider or the rest of American intelligence doesn't seem to mind. Do you let him fuck around in Philadelphia?

Who cares? he's not going to hurt anybody down there it's fine um and you know she's like say it he's like well i was gonna put it in my memoir so you are the best but now i'll be dead and she's like we'll write it down on this newspaper or whatever this like piece of garbage blowing in front of her she's like write it on this it's a bk rapper it is oh that looked like it once housed a pretty delicious wopper junior might if i lick the bag so he writes on it that it's the best he ever had, but he was talking about the burger.

A lot of mayonnaise on that Wapper, because I had it my way. And he uses obviously the exploding pen, and he throws a dart at her, and, you know, she explodes horrifically. And this is, I remember when I was a child, it took me years to place what

this was, but I remembered being a kid and just flipping through TV, and this exact moment came on. Of Sean Connery shooting a pen into this woman and she's laughing like the Joker and then she explodes and like as a kid like going through this was like before IMDB like going through the Bond movies I didn't know that there was this weird early 80s extracurricular James Bond played by Sean Connery and I watched all the Canon Connery bonds and was like did I fucking

dream that woman laughing and blowing up what's wrong with me yeah yeah and then it wasn't until I was like a teenager I saw it again, and I was like, oh, it's that. That's what's been haunting me for all these years. So she's just dead. And then, by the way, there's still like an hour left of this movie. Well, that's the problem. The number two has to be the second to last thing you do in the movie.

That's the point of the number two. Yep. She or he is the most important kill of the movie, and then the villain dies. Right. There's an hour left of this movie of nonsense. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is just skippable garbage, right? We're slowly getting onto Largo's boat.

It's kind of funny, though, because Bond and Lighter, like, they team up and Lighter's got all his buddies, and they're all like scuba diving in and we're going to sneak onto Largo's boat together, right, James? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a good plan. Bond, like, sneaks in and leaves the rest of them out to dry. We can't forget the part where Largo gets so upset with Domino that he sells her into slavery, which is the most racist part of any movie that I've ever seen. Ridiculous.

And, like, I, the guy, the guy that, like, Biser, I guess, looks like the, the fat guy from Borat. Yes. Oh, he totally does. Very nice. Very nice. Very nice. Borat. So he's like, oh, it's you and your boyfriend.

He captures James Bond and whoever cares. And he just chains him up and he's like, goodbye, 007. By the way, one of the bombs is in Washington. Yeah. And I won't tell you the other one is, bye-bye. He leaves him to be eaten by vultures, by the way. There's just a hilarious amount of vulgarious. amount of vultures dancing around

and he's just like chained to a wall also the whole like oh the first nuke is under Washington oh I guess why wouldn't you check I guess like everything's in a heightened security mode you know these are missing that's like number one

target right yeah there's there's a nuclear warhead missing Washington DC is in lockdown while we do our own independent search we're not waiting for a 52 year old English spy to find out where this nuke is. Some asshole with

chicken, chicken fry breath told us it was under Washington. So, so, he puts him there and he's like, oh, my dear sweet, I'm going to, it's, we're just in North Africa, so you could just sell anybody here, because who the fuck cares? All you do is tie him to a

trading post, and then people come out of nowhere and start bidding on her. It's ridiculous. It's so crazy. And Bond breaks out, and he gets on a horse. right and yes he does he pushes these slavers aside puts her on the back and we're in this weird

kind of cool castle right so he rides up and stood it down because the thing's locked oh yep up up up up up and he does the most amazing thing in this movie which is the I read about this it's the reason we put in no animals were harmed in the making of this film

oh this was the cause of it this was it because everyone was like what the fuck because this horse jumps off a cliff And it's not just like a little bit. It's like none of them would survive this. The horse would have three heart attacks before it hit the water. I guarantee it.

Was there like a bunch of guys pushing this horse off this cliff? There was a fired a gun and made the horse jump because there's no way you're making a horse jump off a cliff. Fired a gun and that's the next one's between your horse eyes unless you jump. Oh, no. Oh, no. This director means business. Second unit director, longstock. Lift that horse and throw it over the club.

Do it some pickup shots with Alfonso. Dude, this horse, I mean, I think what we're looking at on impact is a horse puppet, right? Yeah, yeah. The impact, I think, is the horse puppet. I think, yeah, there's a shot of a puppet in, like, when they're in dissent. But there's definitely a horse breaking water. pretty hard. Oh my god. And this horse is like on its back, spread eagle falling into this fucking water. Crying. I haven't heard a horse cry. And also James Bond, you dick. Like,

here's the thing. You're in a tight spot. Dismount the horse and jump off. The horse is not helping you hit the water any better. All you're doing is killing a horse for no reason. Well, we need meat. You've got to eat something. Your welcome craft services. cook it up Better be ready for lunch I'm horny as fuck I mean I guarantee you that horse Died in his stuff

There's no way a horse is jumping off a cliff Not having at least three heart attack It's just outrageous But they show like when they all hit the water They swim away And the horse is swimming away Yeah right Nice try movie

I think they're going up And that horse is just swimming down Because it has no idea what a body of water is and it just kills itself. Man, that horse, that horse has never seen again in this movie. Oh, Lord. 009, the horse. Great, my new partner's a horse.

Fucking sequels. Oh, it says here on their special skills, one of them is swimming. That'll come and say. 009's been 86th. So, yeah, they get on to Largo's boat. And, of course, like, you know, Bond, I don't even know. Well, it's amazing because they're in, like, a Navy sub at first. And so we get a shower scene with him and Kim Basinger because he's got to fuck something.

It's going to pop if he doesn't let loose, you know. Oh, yeah. It's been hours at this point. So then he says to, like, the captain of the submarine, he's like, oh, I see you might got a couple of, you know, XR 47 prototypes. And he's like, how did you know about that? And he's like, well, because we're spying on you. Sorry. Can we use them, though?

And it's like launching these rockets that turn into these jetpack things. And it's weird because if I'm remembering the movies right, I think Thunderball, the cold open of Thunderball starts with Bond using a jetpack to like get out of a jam. It's at like the very beginning of the movie. Yeah. Jetpack's pretty cool. This thing looks fucking stupid. This is the thing from Pilot Wings. Oh, yeah.

Pilot Wings? Palo Wing 64 is a video game and Palo Wing's a true Nintendo by the regular Largo over here You got a regular James Bond Because I might have Burger King later Just don't get the Phillies And I mean yeah

They wind up Chasing him The first missile By the way off screen is dismantled Oh yeah we don't see any of that Somebody calls James Bond like yeah we took care of it Don't worry boss Don't worry about it pinhead

You deal with it with the nuke you gotta find. And they go to the Tears of Allah, which is this area where there's a puddle and so on and so forth. It's this huge temple that James Bond desecrates. Like very specifically desecchio. He knocks over a statue. Like what he totally could not do. I think he takes a leak

in there, too. Kind of drain the lizard. Pissing all over the tears of Allah. And whatever. They just make a big mess of things. And then what what it comes down to is like... This is going to be the Hershey bar, that I put in the middle of it. He's, like, confused.

He thinks he's still at the fat camp. Your unsample, urine sample. So then there's just this long underwater chase where Largo's like trying to steal the nuke and like, you know, drive it away and whatnot. They chase after him. By the way, at this point in the movie, I have fallen asleep.

Yeah. It's so whatever. It takes forever. It's kind of a knife fight underwater, which is as boring as it sounds. And if I'm remembering the sequels right again, or the movies, not sequels, but, like, I think also in Thunderbolt, like, this part of the story, it's an awesome, like, underwater fight between, like, you know, like Bond's agents and, like, Leiter's agents and whatnot. And then, like, Largo's dudes are having this big scuba fight. This is just like... Two old men going at it. Yeah, totally.

And then Domino is the one that kills Largo. Like, that's the whole thing. Which is kind of cool, like it's a nice surprise. I don't know how she got Scooby Gear and knew where they were or any of that stuff. I don't know either. But what you need to have happen, though, before this is like, you know, she's like, he killed my brother. I want revenge. You need that thing of Bond being like, you don't know what it's like to kill people.

You know, it's not as easy as you think it's, you're going to, like, the Batman thing. The Batman Forever speech. Yeah, it's going to haunt you forever. There's that and the other thing. Instead, like, she just murders him, gets revenge for proto Jake Busey. And he's like, nice shot. Now let's go get to fucking. I mean, because that's it.

Like, he's dead. They're on vacation again back in the Bahamas. How would you like to get to wet? Rowan Atkinson, Pat, falls to end the movie, which is nice. Because he was not a character at all. Go out with a laugh, Steve. That's the motto of all Bond movies. Well, and he's like,

007, you know, M has seen the errors of his ways and thinks the world's in peril if you don't come back. And he said, I'd come back. And then she goes, never say never again. Good night. movie. Oh, man. Oh, but then he looks right at that camera and gives a, see you next

time, America. Yeah, no. Wink. And then this jazzy never say never again. Never. Never. It's elevator music. I don't need I need, I need and I need something like, you know,

some big ballad to happen. Look, here's the thing. Live and Let Die, great song. When they put out, married with children on DVD. They did not want to license the Sinatra song, Love and Marriage, right? So instead, they hired some dude to get a keyboard and go,

Boopulap, dole-pa-du-la-boo-da-da-na-na-na. You know, it sounded enough like it that you were like, fine. Get someone to be like, ba-da-da-pa. Ba-da-da-da. Like, make the fucking fake one. Yes, exactly.

You need to do that. You need to do something. I mean, this is, it sounds like a cover of girl from Ipanema. It is garbage. It's garbage tunes. It's so jazzy. And it, and the score actually, there's a lot of scenes, and this is not no country for old men.

There's a lot of scenes without music. And I think that's just because they didn't know how to score properly. It's just nothing. Like the car chase has no music, and it's not because it's like, oh, my God, the tension. It's like, oh. Yeah, I guess we just forgot to lay down some music there. I think this should have ended with James Bond going on, like, talking about this haunting dream he's head about his father. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's like, I'm an older man now than he was then. He's coming out riding that horse I murdered. I had a Burger King nightmare last night. You ever, you're trying to go to sleep at 2 a.m. after you've just downed three whoppers. You'll get a nightmare for sure. I dreamt I ate a horse meat whopper. My father walking on that horse.

Well, for some reason he was standing on him. And then, that's the end of the movie. Then cut to black. Think about it, America. Oh, my God. And that's just the end of it. And we're just like, sexophoning through the credits. And it's just a snooze.

It's a total snooze. And would anybody recommend it? I wouldn't. It's probably one of the worst bonds that are seen. I'm super lax on my bonds. I've only seen maybe six or seven. of them. Like, you know, I saw most of the Pierce Brosons,

a couple of the Conneries. No Moore's start to finish. Yeah. No Dalton's. And I've seen all the Craigs. Yeah. It's a snooze. It's everything I hate about James Bond movies, which is boredom. Yeah, I would say, yeah, you don't need to see this. I would say

instead, the fun night might be to do a double feature of King Ralph and then no country for old men. Well, that sounds like, a fun time. Yeah, it sounds like a fun night. Hey, that's fun. Get some fast food and you have yourself a party.

It's definitely catered by Burger King. That's a great challenge, though. I might do that. I might just sit at home one night and watch both King Ralph, then no country for old men, with a Burger King meal for each film. Is that the order of the movies, though? I think it has to be. Eric just said it.

Yes, yes, that's the order. And I want you to film it. We can Morgan Spurlock this shit. Make some serious coin. No, wait a second. Even better. out to the listeners do the We Hate Movies Burger King Challenge

you get two Burger King dinners and you got to sit through King Ralph for one of them and then immediately eat your second Burger King dinner watching no condom which will be cold by that point which is perfect also I think they need to sign a waiver or something yeah we're not responsible for diarrhea or whatever happens to you

definitely diarrhea or death yeah no none of that but seriously take pictures of yourself being gluttonous with Burger King and watching those movies back to back. Because then we're going to make a documentary about it. And then after that, we're going to find Osama bin Laden. Man, that movie's a whole pile of bullshit. It's garbage. I would recommend this movie. Oh, come on. And it's funny because I can't remember if I recommend to die another day, but what I was going to say was, I think all James Bond watching is, you know, good for society. Sure. And like, no, this isn't a good movie. But it's still James Bond. And it's more. It got pretty good reviews when it came out. It got good reviews, yeah.

And, I mean, look, Connery is great at playing James Bond. Like, it's stupid when it's like, oh, I'm tired and have to go on a diet. But, like, yeah, like we said, that is just dropped, and then he's just playing James Bond. I mean, Thunderball is the superior of these two Thunderball movies. So watch Thunderball. But, you know, if you're a completist or you're just interested,

or if you're interested in Kim Basinger's first ever on-screen movie appearance. Sure. never say never again I'm glad you have this opinion because I feel like this is one of those movies where we might get people that are like fuck you guys more than just the weekly douching of emails that say fuck you guys

we actually get probably once a week we get a fuck you guys email it makes you feel good about myself well you know it's okay to like a movie and you know this movie has things it's got some merit too look you can go on my letterboxed I rated it three stars like it's totally fine it's boring and I had to indeed watch it twice because I totally fell asleep through part of it and was like ah fuck gotta go back stupid show research rewind to what I remembered and if anything you know I appreciate a good like watching with Burger King I haven't had Burger King in a really long time and this whole conversation that's like made me want to watch and eat Burger King about Burger King a little too much do I talk about Burger King no we well we talked about Burger King too much yeah well it's

It's for king and country, and that's what King Ralph demanded. That's true. That's Never Say Never Again from 1983 directed by the late and legitimately great. Irvin Kershner, if you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, whhmpodcast.com or find us over at sideshownetwork.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Burger King Challenge. Hashtaghtag WHM Burger King Challenge.

I want to see those pictures of this gluttonous double feature. it would be pretty funny. Too long of a hashtag maybe. WHMBK Challenge? Yes. All right, there we go. That's a hashtag WHMBK Challenge. Clue for next week's episode.

Peter O'Too. Oh, wow. Start looking through that filmography again. It's not King Ralph. It's not King Ralph because that's a stay tuned but not stay tuned next week. It's also not Lawrence of Arabia. It's definitely not that out there. So until next week with something sort of starring Peter O'Toole.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Zeda. Take it easy. Thank you.