We Hate Movies - S6 Ep224: Supergirl

Episode Date: November 10, 2015

On this episode, the gang heads back to the comic world to chat about the disasterous, embarrassing, lazy, multi-cut, train wreck, Supergirl! Why does Faye Dunaway need to be a witch in this movie? What's with the instant love spell excluding dudes? And is Zaltar the biggest pervert in the galaxy? PLUS: How about a squirt? Supergirl stars Helen Slater, Faye Dunaway, Peter O'Toole, Hart Bochner, Maureen Teefy, Mia Farrow, Marc McClure, Brenda Vaccaro, and Peter Cook; directed by Jeannot Szwarc. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadeg. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in as always. If you're new to the program, this is a comedy show where we take a rancid, wretched old movie, take it out for air and kick it around a little bit, like a dead dog. Yeah, we'll run jokes right into the ground. Oh, right. You think something's funny? You think something's funny now, pal?

Uh-uh. Not in 10 minutes. I think something's funny now. I think it's even more funny the 17th time I say it. also featured bad impressions of all sorts of celebrities you don't care about so this week speaking of bad impressions we got Peter O'Toole

sort of starring in 1984's Supergirl directed by Jeanotte Zwark also the director of Jaws 2 by the way which is the only watchable Jaws sequel not watchable Supergirl this is a shit show

it's like watching paint drive for me I mean I don't know about you guys but man this is this movie's got a bloodbath of aftermath Supergirl the character is likely killed off

in 1885 because of the poor box office performance and forever fucked they took her out of comics too is that canon? Is that canon?

This movie's canon They executed her? They executed her. Was it a firing squad with kryptonite rounds? Notice how I said I paused on crypto. I was like, it's kryptonite, right?

Is that the one that kills him? Wait, it's not carbonite. It's not kryptonite. Not carbonite. Yeah, she died in a big 1985 crossover. And then, which fucked the character for like 20 years, she became an angel for a while. She became an alien named Demetrix for a little bit.

That's really stupid. A shapeshifting alien. What is that? Green Lantern stuff now? It's all, it's all. gobbledygook. That sounds like gobbledy gook. Because they got all afraid of like, there's this push to be like, look,

Superman's the last Kryptonian. That's it. I don't want to know about Supergirls, Super Pets, a Super Grandpa. It's only Superman and he's the last one out of Metropolis Alive. A Krypton. Crypton. Yeah, he's the last one out of Krypton alive. But she's not from Krypton. They're from, at least in this movie. Now, I don't know about comic lore.

Well, it's the same planet, right? Or is it just like the, it's like the suburbs? No, it's some outpost. It's poorly explained. Oh, planet poorly explained. I've been there. Argo City or the city of Argos or whatever the hell it's called? I think it's just Argo.

Argo. That's Ben Affleck. It's a Ben Affleck movie that everybody loved. Planet Affleck. Wait, but it's like an outpost on like a moon or something. It is. It's basically if the Pilgrims came to America and then England just was destroyed. And like that's...

So it's the last outpost of, like, Kryptonians. Exactly. I see. Yeah. You wouldn't tell from the shitty production design in this movie because it doesn't look anything like the crystalline-centric culture of Krypton that we've seen in all the other movies. It'd be great if everyone was Italian because Marlon Brando is Italian. He was the most famous one.

You know, you get Al Pacino up there. You get, like, Pauly Walnuts, who's probably like 48 at that time. Polly Walnuts, 48 in 1984. Yeah, that makes sense. a young Joey pants Yeah, oh man, you get Joe Pantleana What am I fucking doing on Planet Argo? He was

trimming a young buck And a risky business Oh yeah, that's right Hey Supergirl, you want to make some extra cash? You're getting right in my fucking face, Supergirl Man, so you know what this movie wants to be so hard, good? A Superman movie

And it doesn't care which one. It would love to be the first one. It will settle for Quest for Peace. Yes. Well, the other follow-up from this, aside from likely the reason that the character was killed off, was all the film rights went to Canon. Warner Brothers was like, nope, Superman 3 plus this, fuck it. Go to this werewolf company or whatever the hell they did.

Oh, right, though. This is before Quest for Peace. Exactly. So this is post-Superman 3, the atrocity of. Right. the heels of it. Yes, exactly. It was like a one-two punch

and Warner Brothers is like, you know what? Fuck it. I mean, the Salkinds, by the way, should be banned from making movies. I don't know if they're still

around now, but this Alexander Salkind, he's poison. Do you ever see that Santa Claus movie? Oh, yeah, Santa Claus the movie? Yeah.

Directed by the same guy who did this movie. Yes, yeah. Dude, I had a tall glass of water last Christmas or thereabouts. Happy holidays. You know, no, I had two tall glasses of water.

I had one, and I was like, ah, it's not enough. Remember, kids, leave one out for Santa Claus. I gotta drive this sleigh, man. And I melted into my couch watching this movie, and I was like, they're just so merry that the merriment won't end, because it's mostly elves going, like, dancing around getting ready for Christmas. Without much comms, until John Lithgow becomes scary. What?

What is this movie about? It's like Santa Claus v. A corporation on Earth creates an anti-Santa Claus. Okay. I like it. And Dudley Moore, like Dudley Moore is an elf and he goes to work for them. But there's so much like, I don't know, how are we going to make these toys? 40 minutes of dancing.

Is this a stay tuned? It's impossibly a stay tuned. I will be stone sober the next time I watch it. Bring a buddy if you're going to watch this movie with some water. Oh, the buddy system's a bus. All right, so I think this is a good place to start with Supergirl. Mm-hmm. And Peter O'Toole as Zaltar.

Oh, man, Peter O'Toole is Zaltar. That's the fortune-telling robot from Big, right? That's what I thought. Turns out it's just some weird space pervert. This character of Zaltar. I mean, because here's the thing, everybody. You got Peter O'Toole. He's old-ass Peter O'Toole, and he's like the town magician or whatever.

He's like magician slash artist or something. such he built this whole city of Argo. He's dressed like Monroe from too close for comfort this whole movie. These like really early 80s pastel sweaters they got him in. But then you got

Helen Slater, right? name's Helen Slater? Yes. Playing Supergirl. And Kara Zor-El, by the way. Kara Zor-El, right. She's the niece of Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando. You can see it in the eyes. But here she is. I mean, she's like,

Like, whatever, like 18 maybe in this movie. I don't know how old the actress is, but like Supergirl is supposed to be like 16, 17, something like that. She's supposed to be able to pass for a high school student. Right. And this is just like, oh, hello there, Kara's R.L. Oh, how are you today? I'm drawing a tree. Look at this pretty tree.

Would you like to take a little? That's more James Mason than Bueharto, but you get the point. He's being fucking creepy to a kid. He's got this magic wand that looks like a bong speaking of tall glasses of water. She's like this Dale Chahooley-esque creation. And he's like, oh, you want to see some magic Supergirl? And it's like, oh, okay, buddy. I just want to say, we don't know what the age of consent is.

Oh, on Krypton, that's very true. Yeah. Or Argo. Oh, well, see, that's the thing, dude. Age of Consent on Krypton was like 20. But then they were like, no, the city of Argo is being formed under new laws. One of those new laws lowering the age of consent. That's the whole reason for the rift, huh?

A bunch of space perverts on an abandoned planet. Why is that the one law you proposed? Well, you gotta start somewhere. Not just gonna come up with a book of laws right away. Okay. So he's got this magic wand and he's like, you know, I've got this magic piece. And this is a lot of like combining elements.

I don't know what they do or what they are. Oh man, the wizardry zippity-dudah in this movie is awesome. the chain. He's like, he's like the founder of the city. He's like a genius. He created everything and like, oh, we owe everything to use, Altar. And he pulls out this thing and then he's like, I also stole the Agamendron, the Omega

Hendron, whatever that. Right, it's like a planet destroyer or something. It's like a magic ball of whatever. Meanwhile, it looks like a shitty Christmas gift. Your aunt gives your grandmother. It's a little like metal ball with a candle inside it. But by the way, guys,

this is not adding up. This is like a real cult of personality here. I think this guy's like a David Koresh. Yes. Oh, yeah. I don't think the Kryptonian government knows what's going on here. Oh, I think you're on to something here. And he's just like, no, no, it's an outpost. Everyone be

calm. Yes, you're all my children. Every last one of you. And I, we now have multiple wives. All my little pretty brides. Zaltar's Million brides.

And then he's got this, like, this weapon. This guy's, he's playing for keeping. It's a WMD. What we learn about this magic ball is it's what is keeping the whole outpost of Argo alive. It's responsible for the air, the food, and the fucking. You know, it's responsible for all of it. I mean, that's laying a lot on the line. And Peter O'Toole has taken it out of its case or borrowed it or whatever for the purposes of like,

gonna make this tree look a lot cooler bro just gotta use the octahedron oh yeah you sprinkle some of this octahedron on it oh man wow this thing can do anything it sure can don't worry it sure can

and so he admits to stealing this thing and what's her name Kara Zorrell yeah yeah you know she's like um you know Zaltar that's pretty dangerous and illegal and he's like well when you create a whole city you can do whatever you want

and you know such thing is police on Argo no one's watching anyone and you know what I love I am the police he's judged he's wearing that helmet or he's Biff Tannen

kid I am the police but what I love about this is like he's the creator of this whole universe and whatnot. And, like, Carazorel's parents are giving them shit. They're like, oh, you're talking to that creepy old shit Zaltar again, huh? Why don't you get away from old man Zaltar? Mia Farrow, who has a sixth sense about this sort of thing, comes over.

She's got a sixth sense with her six lines in this movie. It's just like, you know, what's going on here? Where's the old megahedron? He's like, oh, I took it out for air. I don't know if that makes sense. He's like, here, Kara, go have some fun with it. He, like, kicks it across the room. I know.

The whole fucking plan. I mean, I think he's bored. I think he doesn't. He also talks about, like, I'm planning a trip to Earth or maybe Mars. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he's like, I'm going to go to Earth, possibly Venus. I don't know. We'll see where the day takes me.

Where the Omega hedron takes me. And she's like, wait, you're going to use this thing that's responsible for, like, maintaining life on this planet or in this like dome city whatever uh you're going to take it out like cruise the galaxy with it meanwhile we need it to live and he's like yeah yeah don't worry about that it's like yeah go go amuse yourself go buy something go buy us buy two sodas give me one two and she's like she makes some butterfly or something and yeah using that and the other thing and it flies through apparently this place is held together by cellophane yeah i couldn't believe it. This window is, it's just plastic

and this thing rips right through it and, you know, Kara Zor-El's getting sucked out of this thing and I'm like, oh, that's space right there. More than just like this person would be getting sucked. This whole thing is collapsing on itself. There's a lot to go into here and thank God Steve is here.

Okay, so Zoltai there is saying, actually that's not space, it's inner space and Earth is all the way in outer space. Steve, inner space, please explain. It's a movie with Dennis Quaid wherein Martin Short

goes, no, it's nonsense. It's just all non. Oh, I thought this was a whole thing. I was going to ask you like, now if I as a Earth man go into inner space, do I get superpowers? Your asshole falls out of your body, actually. That's kind of super.

It's like you want to see that 22 miles of intestine or 22 feet of intestine? Yeah. Yeah, for me, it's the longer one. It's all bullshit Is what we're talking about Maybe somebody's read the comic I don't think so

I think somebody just said whatever So Krypton's another planet It's not in inner space Because I was thinking like Is he talking about like You know how people are like Hey man The whole universe is like an atom

On a giant's fingernail Is Krypton in a different universe On a giant's fingernail? Maybe this is where again not just the age of consent, maybe like Zaltar had a bunch of crazy ideas. Like, we're not even in outer space, man. They kicked him out of crypto.

Yeah, they're like, you know what, dude? Take your followers and get the fuck out of here. Follow-up question about the her name. Kara. Zor-El. And now Superman is Cal L? Yes, and his father is Jor-L.

But what is Cal L's first name? Because she's got Kara. His name is Cal. It's Cal. Oh, and then. L and her, but her name, her last name is Zoral. Yeah, Zora dash L. So maybe, maybe, oh, it's hyphenated.

Yeah, it's a modern marriage. They're very progressive. Yeah, exactly. They're, oh, yep, that's exactly what it is. Solved it. Progressive Argonians here. So the thing gets sucked out into space and they're like, well, we're all going to be dead in days.

Like, while they're yelling at Peter O'Toole about all this, uh, Kara Zoral gets in like a little spaceship. She steals his ride, man. Yeah. She had that thing gas to go to Pluto. Yeah, well, he was ready to start out on his bucket list adventure. And she steals it. And she's like, I'm going to make something of myself and I'm going to do this.

Oh, don't you dare take my Skinner CD. Oh, they're on the love. She left them on the floor. Don't look in the glove box. Whatever you do. Don't look at the glove box, child. So she's like zooming through space. And this is like...

I like to feel it. Right now. It's going through the face. That would be so much better. He's shaking his fist at her. That would be so much better than this rip-off John Williams score that we're doing here. And this is Jerry Goldsmith, a master in his own right. Sure.

And they're just like, hey man, you're working for the Salkinds now. Bootleg that John Williams score best you can. We'll be here waiting to make all the money. And it's just shitty. That shitty. The fucking credit sequence tries to look like the Superman credit sequence also turns out to be shitty. I read on IMDB trivia that that opening credit sequence cost a million dollars. Holy shit.

In 1984 money. Yeah, which is in today's money, $78 million. I think that boyhood cost less to make than the, like, counting for inflation, whatever the Supergirl credit sequence was. You're right. You definitely. And you know what sucks? You spent a million dollars. to make shitty-looking credits.

Yeah, I could get you a boy and watch them grow, way cheaper than that. I do it all the time. I know you're always offering, which I appreciate. I do. They're walking around everywhere. He's a generous man, Steve.

One thing that's important is, oh, yes. Oh, oh, it's my favorite part of the movie. How did I fuck this up? It's Mia Farrow and her husband, whatever his name is. Oh, Nigel. Is he Nigel? No, no, no. No, you're thinking of, yeah, you're ahead of the game.

We're still back on Argo for a minute. Back on Argo, the planet's whole solar system gets sucked out the window, and then their daughter just goes after it. And, like, Mia Farah's like, we're going to be dead in days. Like, she literally says, I was like, we've got days, and then we're dead. Because they're going to run out of air is the idea. And Peter O'Toole's, well, I guess I'll go to the Phantom Zone then. A.k.a. How little can I be in this movie?

And my fate is sealed. I've lost the Omega Headron. I must be sent to the Phantom Zone. Your suffering will be short. Mine? Forever. And they're like, no, Zaltar. That's a little extreme. We don't believe in the death penalty here on Argo.

He's like, no, no, no, I'm fine. Off to the Phantom Zone. It almost seems kind of selfish there because he's just like, oh, my suffering will be long. You'll die real quick. But I'll be alive for a while. I'll be in pain, but I'll be alive. And this is what they don't show, by the way. Is there just a door that you jump through and you can go into the phantom zone?

You've got like one of the, probably one thing, it's like hidden. It's like that cool mirror that you jump into that gets sucked around there. Because he just turns, he like, bout faces away from the two of them. He's like, no, no, no, phantom zone is fine. I mean, it's a first offense. We can get you. We can knock it down. No, no, no, no, no.

Eternity in the Phantom zone, please. That's only a ticket. It's only points on your license. He just wants to. Phantom zone, please. He wants to be a martyr. Yeah, he does. So he can come back as a god one day and really get what he wants.

Yeah, totally. So he throws himself in movie jail, but you don't even see it. Like the camera, like kind of starts to tilt up. and goes out of focus and then we just cut to uh you know karen she's just like zooming through space we're totally ripping off jupiter and beyond the infinity here we're just zooming through we're doing a bunch of like colored lights and like water pressed against glass effect kind of thing and she's just like i'm having a great time risking my life one thing that's weird is she know everybody knows apparently on argo who superman is and she's like oh my cousin my cousin on earth

superman you're going to go see him huh and it's like well how do you know No. What news reports are you getting? What communication was there after the destruction of Krypton that the people on Argo are getting the news from Earth that there's a survivor? It doesn't make any sense. It's silly is what it is. Now, do you recall, is this the origin story of Supergirl from the comic? No, she just kind of shows up one time. I don't know. I mean, like, basically, similarly, she's on a, she was part of a colony or whatever that, you know, was apart from Krypton. I mean, she has a million origins, but the prominent one is, like, you know, she kind of was suspended and then, like, is released. And it's like, oh, my God, I was 60. The whole thing was she was always older than Clark, but looked younger because she was suspended animation. Oh, frozen in time.

Like, he was a baby when, you know, he got out. Right. Freaky. Yes. Whoa, man. So then we cut to Fay Dunaway and this English actor portraying Nigel. Peter Cook. Peter Cook, yeah, of Cook and Moore or Warren Cook. Yeah, I think he was in Yellow Beard. That's all I got.

A comedy team of Dudley Moore, the comedy partner of Dudley. Oh, is that right? Oh, interesting. In that the original bedazzled, I think he's the Daville. Oh, he is actually. That's totally right. And then he's got some kind of cameo in that Brendan Fraser remake, if I recall. Both of those guys, by the way, died pretty young. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's life and sketch comedy, man.

fucking kills you live fast die hard die laughing but there are some people out there that think that uh dudley more is actually still kirk Cameron but i don't know that those are truthers that i don't really believe it oh no yeah you're not a like like father like son truther yeah i saw that documentary what was it uh loose sons explained everything yeah i mean like hey look there's evidence there i choose not to believe it look you know what though that's a good sign because if anything, that means that even though his body is dead, Dudley Moore's still alive

and Kirk Cameron's in the fucking ground. And then he just, you know, Dudley... Dudley's keeping up appearances as being a hateful piece of garbage. Yes. Yep. Yeah, no, that makes sense to me. Now, here's how you freak yourself out. Imagine Kirk Cameron speaking in Dudley Moore's

like drunk Arthur voice. Oh, man. That'll keep you up at night. Ooh, future case file. Our sexuality is It's a sin Gross So anyway We're on Earth

We're having a picnic And it's just like You realize right away Like oh Oh these are the villains of the movie And we are so far from Gene Hackman We're so far from Richard Pryor You're just far

You're far far away Well we are far from Richard prior. Yeah. That's a bad place to be. Well, because we're doing magic. And that's a big freaking problem. Because magic and Superman, I mean, like, it happens, but it shouldn't happen. It happens. It's like when the X-Men go to space. Sure, it happens. But it shouldn't. It's not something that I, you know, it's like when fucking Batman goes to space to go to that fucking Justice League headquarters. Stay on Earth, Bruce. Yeah. I don't need Batman in space. I never did. I never will. Superman runs afoul of voodoo.

anybody but you know what i don't need that coming to my movie sure even james bond ran a foul of voodoo once or twice you know these things happen in the comic books that's fine right that's you know it's a funny paper but this is a movie yes all right it's got to breathe like a movie yes and you know what the logic of this villain is it's fade down away as this evil selina the witch she has the exact same logic selina the middle-aged witch as that villain thing from that first EWox movie? Yes.

Where he just wants the vague power. Or is that in the second one? The second one where the big monster thing's like, I just want the power. She's just like, she finds the little ball. It like lands in their soup. They're having this picnic. And she's just like, oh, this will lead to giving me immortality and all the power.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? How do you know that any of this is true? It's going to give you a kid. cancer. Exactly. Your cells are crinkling up right now. I think I could see it because, man, her face in this movie, it's like she's wearing clown makeup. She is wearing like clown makeup. It's ridiculous. It's Mommy Dearest mode the entire freaking time. And she's like overacting. I mean, like she's turned in some great performances. Of course. She's a fantastic actress. And she's kind of almost sort of

the female Gene Hackman if you had to choose somebody, maybe, you know. Both crossing paths in Bonnie and Clyde. understand the casting and everything but just the roles. The role's terrible. And she's, I mean, she's just fucking really hammy in this movie. The lighting is always hilarious because they always, like, do this thing where it's like, the top of her face in shadow.

Like, it's her eyes always like they have this streak of light across her eyes. It's like a noirish, like, Yves. Yeah, it's very distracting. It's so stupid. And her relationship with Peter Cook or Nigel is like, she is, she was,

he's a flat out warlock. right? He's a grade A all-American warlock. Level five warlock. American. Yeah. He put in the paperwork. Oh, okay. Well, you know, as long as they're coming here legally, there's going to be a

door in the wall. Shut up. It's a door for English warlock zones. You better keep practicing as a warlock because you can't go on warlock unemployment and keep your citizenship. Oh, man. Even though your dumb little warlock kids were born in this

country. They're getting the booed out too. But, like, she's been using him because he's, like, much more practiced in EVL than she is. Right. And the second she gets this, she's like, hey, fuck you, Nigel. And, like, you know, that's her kind of character. And she retreats back to an abandoned

carnival in which she lives. She's living like a supervillain before she's a supervill. See, that's the clown makeup makes sense now. I was going to say she's trying to live like a super villain, but is, in reality, living like a Scooby-Doo villain. By living at a haunted carnival.

Yeah, it's a bunch of PT bullshit. And by the way, right after they leave this picnic space to go back to the haunted carnival, Supergirl flies out from underwater like in this lake in full Supergirl costume. And I'm like, so wait, is the city under the water? What is going on? I don't know. I mean, at the end when she wins, Spoiler alert, I apologize.

Oh, shit. She returns to the water to go to the city. I don't know how interdimensional space works. I apologize. Maybe there's a wormhole down there that we don't see. Let's get Neil, let somebody ping Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Yep, yeah, he'll explain Supergirl for him. Fact check the scientific accuracy of Supergirl.

Remember to tweet at Neil Tyson. And by the way, we haven't heard shit yet about Moon Trapp, so now we got two for them. It's piling up. Let him know that it's piling up. He's like blibbidi-blow the Martian, and I'm like, how about Moontrap? We've been in line. Yeah, exactly. But you know, the inner space angle, maybe Krypton and that whole colony is in the lake, guys.

It's like an Adam in the lake. Wow, bro. I thought you were going to say that Argo and Krypton are actually behind a bookshelf and someone's tapping on books. Also, making them fall off a shelf in a farmhouse. A distinct possibility. Although I think Neil deGrasse Tyson proved that space ghosts aren't real Or did he?

Oh, I don't know. We'll have to double check his timeline. They can't even go coast to coast. But what I love about this movie is, it's like, hey man, and that's what this movie shouldn't be, by the way, two hours and 15 minutes or however long this way.

Well, now, this is what I want to ask you guys because, you know, we do not watch movies together anymore. That's the old ways of the show. Very rarely does that happen. Now we watch them on our own. We're responsible for getting copies of the movie on our own. I've been using deodorant a lot. I just want to be super clear.

That was the catalyst for us splitting up watching. Yeah, maybe in a year we'll think about it. Okay. We'll revisit. But there are so many versions of this movie on DVD and VHS and like Amazon and whatever. So you watched the 218 because so did I. Oh, no, I actually, no, I'm sorry. I watched the 205, motherfucker.

Oh, my God. What? How did I have 13 more minutes than you? Yeah. Which did you watch? I think I watched the international version which is pretty much the only version you can really get any more sort of.

I go to this great... I'll give them a plug because they've done a lot of show of research for me. Book off on West 45th Street in New York City. You can get yourself a nice $5 DVD of whatever nonsense you're looking for. And a bunch of cool books and Blu-rays too.

It's all used. It's kind of like going to a blockbuster for me because I don't know what I'm going to go in and get... I don't know what's going to be there. The mystery's alive. Exactly, and that's how I find garbage. That's where I got this.

It's a single-disc DVD. I think that there was like a three-disc who gives a shit around the time of Supermare Returns that came out. Right. And I, okay, now I read that there was a 95-minute cut. Oh, isn't that where you want to be? That was the theatrical cut. That's what you can't get anymore.

It was released on VHS. Yes. And then when the rights went back to, I guess, Warners or whatever, and they, and they, whoever. Yeah. And they put out the DVDs. Right. They did international or directors cut, which are, what, like a 128 minutes and 138 minutes.

Yeah. So we are longer than Star Wars. Oh, it's longer than Star Wars territory for sure. Why can't I see that 95-minute cut? It was good enough for Lady America the first time. Yeah, I want to see what Lady America saw. Well, I think it's a thing now where it's just like, oh, the saw kinds were. really butchering things or something like this is the true vision of our director i mean whatever i

wish i got in and out in 95 minutes i had to take an evening and part of a morning to get through all of this fucking movie man and you know where i think some of this could have been cut down it's right here at this part in the movie where she's discovering her powers and she is flying around for i'm not kidding you like three to five minutes honestly i i played with my cat for most of I just could I had no patience for this She's like flying alongside horses at one point And I'm like I get it man

She's accidentally crushing rocks And it's like you know what I've seen the first three Superman movies I know what's going on If you want to do something new Have her crushing horses Squeezing a horse's throat Right

Her bare Supergirl hands I'm making super glue And she just Squishes it in the goop. I like that idea. I'm fine with it. We've got to change it up. Yeah, I know, you're right.

Well, I do kind of almost come in this movie where she doesn't have to be like, that's right. She doesn't say stuff. It's not like, wait, I can fly. How do I? Huh? She just is enjoying it. Yeah, there's no, I'm flying.

Yeah, it's none of that shit, which is nice enough. But also, if everyone on Argo knows, oh, if I go to Earth, I'm a God, I am finding my way to get to Earth. You want to talk about an immigration problem. Yeah, I think that's Peter O'Toole was going to go on a sex vacation to Earth. Oh, yeah. I'll be the strongest pervert in the galaxy. Wait a second.

What is strength after? Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. I got another comic book question for you. Now, she's wearing the classic S that we see her cousin's Superman wearing. So she's only representing the L.

Yes, that's the house of L logo, which is an S for whatever reason. Right. In her culture, it's an L, EL. Yes. Right. I want to know what Zor looks like. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. They should have thought about this.

In the first Superman movie, you do see a bunch of different symbols, which is pretty cool. That council. Right. Like a bunch of different sigils. Yes, which I always enjoy. And it's like, for whatever reason, like everything else looks like a bunch of nonsense, but L just got lucked out. It's a big ass with that's for Superman. what are the odds i mean seriously

Vegas couldn't put numbers on that yeah i mean it's almost like someone in the 1930s wrote this on their lunch break it's almost though it'd be great if there is just a big his symbol for l is just a giraffe and like he has to like you're like oh what your giraffe no that's my house's symbol is that um the whole s means l thing is that like retconned i i mean i don't know i yeah i think or is that like from jumpstrand No, no. To Eric's point, the S, I think, was probably started out of an S for Superman.

And then somebody was like, when he's fighting Nazis, it just meant Superman. Now that we're talking about the mumbo-jumbo space stuff, is a house name. Did you know that people are collecting these things? Children are reading them and they're collecting them. Holy shit, we have to start caring about this. Stop writing them at lunch. Take some real time.

Remember what you killed off? Jimmy Olson and brought him back in the same issue. You kind of stop doing that, man. People are paying attention. Oh, did he fly around the goddamn earth again for that one? No, no, no. I'm just making sure of him. It sounded believable.

It sounded like a comic book. You want to know another scene that could get cut? Faye Donaway using this little gizmo gadget do-dad thing to re-roast a chicken. I did not have that. You didn't have that? See, this is going to be so much fun now. Because I think I had the longest one with the most horseshit in it. So there's a scene where she brings the Omega Hedron thing back to the haunted fun house.

And it's her in this obnoxious sidekick of hers, which by the way, the two of them, I was like, you know what the villain in this movie is fucking one half of the golden girls? And so she's like, I don't know what this thing does. And this friend of hers is like. Bianca, by the way. Oh, Bianca. She's like the brassy, like, smoking the cigarette. She's like the Sophia of the group. Sure.

And she's just like, well, I don't know. Why don't you bust it out and see what happens? And she just pulls a chicken out of the refrigerator. It's leftover chicken. And the thing starts to light up and then a little orange light bulb goes off inside this chicken. And it starts cooking. And Bianca's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Celina looks like it's done. Looks like it's done. And she gets like all scared about this chicken getting reheated. And I'm like, deleted fucking see. I don't think I had that. Oh, deleted scenes so bad. The only way to make that work is that's happening, and then you cut back to Mia Farrow struggling to breathe

and, like, the blood vessels in her eyes are breaking. I've only had the Omega Hadron. And just like, who's for Chinese? And everyone thought would a great... Oh, you burned it. It looks like it's takeout time. Hey, I could call the Chinese place on the Omega Handron. This thing does everything.

Isn't it so much fun being witches and villains and roommates? This bullshit movie. I do appreciate the cigarette smoking because every Superman movie has got chain smoking in it. Oh, absolutely. Oh, absolutely. If they didn't get Selena now, lung cancer's getting her in 10 years. Guaranteed. Bianca's just fucking going, man.

Oh, Bianca's dying already. She knows she's dying. She don't care. Bianca don't care. So Supergirl has some sort of method to her. Madness. She's got a Fitbit on the whole movie. I made the same note. She's totally wearing a Fitbit. To try to track down this dumb thing.

And to find the OmegaHedron, it's going to send it to her. It winds up in Chicago. Chicago. Or a suburb of. No, but she's flying around Chicago. Shermer, Illinois. Now, Metropolis. Yes. Is that Chicago? Because Gotham is New York.

And the Flash has the Keystone City, which is Kansas City. right? Well, it's all kind of vague. It's all Springfield in its own way. You know what I mean? Like the map of DC Comics doesn't make sense. And what is Marvel have? New York. New York, New York, sometimes San Francisco.

Well, that feels less fantastical. It's true. That's kind of boring. That's what I live in. You see that shit all the time. You see Ice Man every day. Although I think Batman, there was a couple issues, guys. I read a comic book

once where New York does exist and Gotham's in like Delaware Jersey border. Oh really? Yeah, I think it was death in the family actually. Well, New York always exists. I mean, all those cities exist. Because that was the one where the Joker had to go to the U.N. as the Iranian ambassador. Woofs. By the way. Oh, man. I thought it was pretty good. It's pretty cool. It's ridiculous. But this is very good.

They're like, oh, we're evil. So let's get this evil clown to be our delegate. that's basically what happens wow that's horse shit oh yeah so she lands in like I think she's supposed to be like in the city at this point at first she touches down

and who are the first two people she meets on earth but a couple of truck driving rapists I think driving trucks takes a back seat to their raping business because these guys are ready to go truck driver's second

and you know what man this is a fucking kids movie this is a movie four girls not four girls But, like, it's a movie to be like, oh, cool, Superman. Including girls in the whole message of it's okay to like comics. There's a superhero for you. It's not just a boys club.

But sexual violence is always a danger. It's unbelievable. These are the first fucking people she meets on Earth are rapists. And one of them is played by the great character actor Matt Fruer. Oh, yeah. Of that Dawn of the Dead remake and he's in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. She's in Watchmen, too. Oh, yeah, he is in Watchmen.

But so it's just like, she touches down in, like, a bad part of it's, town and these two guys are like Oh look at that girl over there We're shaking a good time All right It's grotesic hey Earl I guess we got ourselves a real peach Oh yeah we did Dale and it's like you

Ew Ew Who's ready for some fresh fruit All right first of all We gotta stop dragging the good names of Earl and Dale Through the mud All these guys have a name like that Yeah it's true there's a pattern there It's a lazy writing pattern, but you're right.

I understand what the point of the scene is. The point of the scene is, oh, man, these boys don't know what they're in for, but, like, they should be muggers. They should be like, where's your purse? Give me your purse. Not pulling up her skirt, trying to grab her. That's what's happening here. It's disgusting.

And you know what? I'm in the theater. I got kids here. Yep. I got kids here. The wrong planet got blown up. That's what I saw. Yeah.

That shit did not fly on Krypton or on. I don't know what's going on Argo. That's legal in Argo. That whole city was designed by a pervert. We've already established this. Zaltar is a sex offender. You know, it's the rule of the land, though. At least he's following the rule of the land.

And, hey, 1984, 83, whatever, America, not such a great place. You know. Yeah, sure. Now, this is what's great, though, is in retaliation for the almost rape. And she kind of doesn't even know what it is. She's not a sexual being. No. Okay, that's not a thing.

And she's like, wait, what are you guys do? Because she wasn't awakened yet by Hart Bacher? Yeah, we'll get to heart in a second. But in retaliation, she's like, don't touch me, get away from me, don't do that. She kicks this dude in the balls. Look, this is a cryptonian, Argonian person kicking you in the stones. This dude goes flying. Those two little buddies are burst.

They've done. Oh, gillie down there. It is good, gets get fucking get the toast out because we got jelly down there. Absolutely. I wouldn't eat that. No.

And then Matt Fruer just gets thrown through a fence. Well, that happens, right? Here I am. Somebody's dressed like Superman. I try and rape that person because I'm a monster. And they know who Superman is. Everyone knows who Superman is. This guy, these guys are, are dumb.

She kicks him through the next county And the other guy's like Well I guess you got a little fight left in you little girl And it's like are you kidding me She then uses her heat vision to make him drop a knife He's like oh you're gonna get it sweetheart I'm like dude Unless you got kryptonite somewhere in there

Or like a mech suit that you're about to get in Yes Like clearly this is an alien you're fighting A kryptonite mech suit That's what these movies need By the way speaking of which No kryptonite in this movie. Not at all.

Too busy using magic. And demons and devils. Big problem. Yep. How about a kryptonite gun? How about fucking Brainiac? Which no one could ever figure out. He's a guy that's green.

You call him Brainiac. And all the nerds go, yay. I mean, is he what is the problem with this? Like, is he going to be a lot of CGI? Is the technology not there yet? What does he look like? He looks like a green person with a, like Martian Manhunter kind of look? Sometimes he's got a glass skull.

Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he's a robot. You could do whatever you want. You could figure it out with practical effects. It would be great. Now, that documentary, Death of Superman Lives, what happened? That was pretty good. Was Brainiac supposed to be in that?

Yeah, they were talking about even walking playing them. What a fucking failure that whole thing is, huh? You watch a documentary. You kind of wish that movie existed. It's not, I know it wouldn't have been good, but I just wish it was in the lexicon and I could watch it. Something different, not Kevin Spacey playing Lex Luthor, which is like I like, I like him doing that, but why? Why is Jesse Eisenberg playing

Lex Luthor? Why do we keep doing this? Get brainiac. Poor Brainiacs just fucking sidelined. I mean, I know, like, we've had the scarecrow. We've had Bain twice. Can we get one brainiac? Yes. You're totally

right. Oh, man. All right. But, yeah, yeah. So, um, we cut back to Selena, who's making her own, is making all sorts of stuff. Supergirl decides to go She kind of just walks by a softball game At Midvale High Right

And is like well that looks like fun I guess and again Mia Farrow is clutching on for life Days to live and let's just get it out of the way now We never cut back to Argo in this movie No they're all dead They're dead she spends days here Weeks I would say weeks

She enrolls in school Oh yeah no she's just She's just wasting time here. And that's, my God, when you're writing this movie and making this movie and you have the clock stipulation of your whole civilization has days to live, why does this character decide to enroll in high school with a fake costume? It seems like, now they're just copying Superman, I know, but it's like for some reason she thinks she needs to take on a persona to Rome Earth. Maybe you can just take off your crazy costume, which I don't know how even materialized on you. Get some jeans and let's call it a day. Exactly.

Some guest jeans, a sharp t-shirt that you can tuck in because it's 1984. Oh, yeah. And do it to it. And buy a pack of cools just to fit in. Or actually, Virginia Slims. I forgot it's super girl. That's right. You can't do both.

You could do one. You could say, oh, maybe she comes to Earth for a fucking fact finder. mission. Then she could do whatever. But if you have this thing where be a pharaoh's life is in the balance, you can't just dick around at high school. I think she's dead before she even enrolls. Oh, you think it's more of like, well, my mom's dead. Might as well, might as well get some earth learning out of this deal. Exactly. My favorite portion of this whole sequence is when she goes to like the principal's office. Oh yeah. And she's like, I'm new here. Right. Because now she's through her superpowers, she just now has a school uniform. And she has dark.

care to not be noticed. I don't know what that's about. Like, Clark doesn't do that. Yeah, Clark doesn't... He's not turning into a blonde guy. Oh, my God, that'd be great. It's just the little curl in his hair's different and there's glasses. Yes.

Not putting a wig on. But she walks into this dude's office, not thinking the head. She doesn't even have a fake name yet. No, yeah. She glances at a picture on the wall. I'm Robert E. Lee. Oh, excuse me. General Robert E. Lee.

What is this principal's deal in Illinois? We've got a big poster of Robert E. Lee on the wall. Why? Why is that on this school administrator's wall? This guy loves fucking flying the stars and bars. So she becomes what? Lisa Lee. What does she call? Linda Lee.

And so then she really... Hillbilly name, by the way. She's like, oh, you know, and the guy's like, look, I know everybody is. this school, blah, blah, blah. I have to leave my office for one second. And then she goes and writes a little letter from, she forges documents. Way to go, Supergirl. First of all, how do you? At a point she's like, what's a

tree? But she knows how to fake her way into like... Thank you. And here's a big problem with the construction of this movie. A one of. Yeah. Well, because Superman knows how to behave like a human being at the Daily Planet because as Clark Kent, he grew up living as a human. Right. He was a baby.

She comes in as an 18-year-old, 16-year-old girl, and all she knows is living in Argo. Yes. But she knows things like there's an electric typewriter, and this is what a letter of recommendation is, and this is playing softball. And not only that is she forges Superman. She forges Clark Kent's, like, whole signature. Which is not for nothing. What is a letter of recommendation from some city news reporter have to do? to get you into a private school.

It doesn't have to do with anything. And I was thinking this whole time, like, did she forge a check, too? Yeah. You're not getting room and bored with just a letter from some, you know, lower level reporter in a metropolis. Oh, it's a daily planet writer, eh? Well, you're not admitted to this school. Oh, that newspaper that only reports about Superman. Come right in.

Well, I'm a David Brooks's cousin. Okay. And go on. New York Times conservative columnist David Brooks. For those new listeners. You talk about them every episode. Yeah. Drinking game.

Pound him, gentlemen. So, coincidentally at this school, somebody else's cousin. I'm sorry, it's Lois Lane's little sister. sister, Lucy Lane, who's again, a character from the comics. It's a real deal. Really? But I don't know if she hangs around Supergirl, but it's like a... This is the point of my notes where I just wrote no.

This is the actress Maureen Teefe. She was Doris in the fame movie, if anybody remembers. And you know, she kind of has truth to casting. She's got Bargo Kidder's cigarette teeth, which I appreciate. Yeah, it's another instance of there's no way that this like adult is a high school student.

You know, but she kind of looks like a little girl, so whatever, we'll cast her in this movie. And, you know, she is kind of just doing a Margot Kidder impression of Lois Lanes, of her Lois Lane performance kind of a thing. Which is a great performance. It is, but this is annoying. It's like the mad TV version of it. And this is when we get the only, the closest thing to a cameo in this movie.

Man. Which is a publicity still from Superman, God knows what. Blown up and Lucy has it on the movie. the wall and she's like, that's my hero, that's Superman. Hey, you know that guy that kind of walks around like God? That's that guy. And like, apparently, uh, they also explain away Superman like, oh, it's one of my favorite bits. No, it's when it's back at that picnic scene when they're, they're sitting outside the car and the Omega Hedron comes or whatever and Fade down always got the radio on. And it's just like, by the way, news reports say that Superman is

off to some sort of intergalactic conference, millions of light years away. And you're just like, oh, all right, so Superman's definitely not in this movie. Oh, the Brainiac movie's happening. Yeah, he's going into some sort of war negotiation with Brainiac in another universe. You don't see that. You get to see Supergirl hanging around in a dorm room massaging a picture of Christopher Reeve, which is because Christopher Reeve wanted nothing to do with this movie. I think he was like kind of tentatively signed on for it.

And then he got the script and said, nope. Like, oh, Warlock? Because he was such a good guy. And it's just like, yeah, of course I'll do. Oh, what's that? Oh, yeah, witches and invisible monsters, huh? Yeah, I'm busy. I have my own billion light years away mission to get to.

Christopher Reeve has a better chance of showing up in this new Supergirl TV show that he did in this movie. I'll tell you that much. You ain't wrong. And, you know, I'll tell you the other thing, too. This is 1984. Yeah. This is before Crispin Glover sued for using his likeness and back to the future. too. Yeah. So guess what? Guaranteed

he didn't see a dime for that fucking post to her appearance. No, they're like, oh, we gave you your career. You're welcome in great. Is that the Salkins? I imagine. Yeah, I think so. So they become fast friends because

like, hey, we're kind of related to people that we know each other. Because she's also passing herself off. Not only is she Superman's real cousin. She's Clark Kent. It has to be Clark Kent's cousin as well. Right, but what are the odds that she goes into a random boarding school and then is

given a room assignment with Lois Lane sister. I mean, what are the, it's one in a galaxy. It's cosmic. Or it might be witchcraft. I don't know. Peter O'Toole's watching from the phantoms on

Twisted. Yeah, he's passing a glass of water with Alistair Crowley since now dark magic is canon. Alan Moore is there. Absolutely. Cost that spell.

Yeah, the demon from those sinister movies. Insidious. Sorry, pardon me. Darth Mall himself. All the goblins are there. Zod eventually. It's a real goblin conference in the phantom zone. Zod would already be there, right?

Well, that's the other thing. Other people are like, oh, cool, it's a new Kryptonian. That's pretty awesome. The last time a Kryptonian showed up on Earth, the president relinquished his power on that. national television. All right? You know what?

I think I'd be a little wary of new cryptonians. But I was also just thinking like Zoltar's in the phantom zone. Isn't Zod in the phantom zone? No, he gets murdered at the end of the movie. Wait, is any of those guys in there? I think he kind of murders them all.

He murders them all? Yeah, like they... I need to rewatch too. What? I thought didn't they go to... Them banging on the glass? Isn't that? That's the end of the first one. In the first one, they break out.

At the end, he tricks them in the Forges of Solitude and, like, body slams them into nothing. Oh, right. They kind of fall off that cliff. And you don't know, I mean, like, maybe there's a big jail down there, but I think they're all dead. No, they're just dead. It's the pit at the bottom of mortal combat. I was just hoping that like

zero's down there dead. I was just hoping that there was another Kryptonian in that phantom zone that could be like, hey, freshmen. Well, he does, we'll get to it. He talks about like murder. Oh, my next door neighbors. The murderers.

But so whatever. I mean, she becomes fast friends. Another piece of, and like, at this point, to give Selena anything to do. Anything. Aside from, like, staring at this rock that she puts inside of a dragon. And cooking up chicken with a battery. She falls in love with Hart Bachner, who's the gardener at this school. Also, Peter Cook works at the school.

Peter Cook is a math teacher. Math teacher by day, warlocked by night. That's living, man. Hey, you know what? That's living. That makes sense. Yeah. That's multiple equations.

Dealing, dealing with numbers during the day, dealing with spells at night. Which I call dark numbers. Or also known as odd or prime numbers. Yes. A prime number is a pretty dark number, man. Oh, yeah. Can only be divided by one in itself. That's creepy.

Terrifying shit. So she falls in love and she's like, oh, you know, I'm going to use my new. toy to get myself this hunk of man meat and you know what I'm okay fine like it's you know you're objectifying the man again it's a movie for women or kind of sort of four women so like to find the fuck out of them

I don't care exactly those buns I want a blood sacrifice yes I mean eventually use those buns for a blood sacrifice first objectify them though you're putting witches in this movie I better see Hart Bochner with a shirt off with some dagar cutting through

his nipple yes causing like some type of ghoulish monster. I don't know. Yeah, you're totally right. And by the way, Hart Bockner passed for life for directing PCU. Oh, he directed that? Oh, wow. Yeah. He also plays the Cokehead and Die Hard One. I knew that.

He played... Ennis or Ellis, whatever his name is. Now he's a national hero to me. He does a voice in Batman Mask of the Fantasem. Oh, really? Does he reprise this role? No, he does not. He's the hunky guy in Batman Masked a fan. Hey, Batman. I'm your gardener.

Hart Bachner. or Ethan in this movie Almost had sex with your cousin Or your buddy's cousin Who? Batman's like, you got into that, huh? I know Some low-level mafia guy

That like the Joker winds up killing It's kind of a chilling scene The guy like who dies laughing on the bed there Oh That's Hart Bokner Oh is it really? That's Batman Mask of the Fantasm Is a fantastic DC movie

A plus plus Um And so she falls, she's like, oh, I'm going to use a magic spell on him. And I'm going to, she, like, brings him over to her house to do some gardening. Yeah. And I feel like this guy's gotten drugged before a couple of times. Yeah, because he's like, naïve. He fights it pretty hard, too.

Like, he's been down this road before. What I appreciate is she offers him a big can of Schlitz. Yeah. You saw that. It was Schlitz malt liquor back then, not just regular beer. What a time to be alive. And, yeah, so she's like, before you do this. this gardening at my haunted amusement park.

By the way, anyone invites me to do anything at a haunted amusement park. I see that. I'm turning around. Or at least get the money up front. Yeah. One or the other. It's pre-cell phones, man. You can't take that chance. Yeah, you're totally right. You can't step foot on a haunted amusement park with some creepy lady.

And she's like, before you, you know, weed my garden or whatever's going on or trim my hedges, uh, let's have a beer. Let's celebrate your presence. with a beer and he's like well hey a beer which is great because he's just a dumb dude so he's gonna take a beer from a pretty lady and she's drugged it with magic we see her making some sort of dumb snails tail spell or some shit who could possibly care and he's like drugged and kind of falls into the haunted house part of this amusement part yes and it's weird it's kind of like the scene in ghostbusters too and ernie hudson's in the subway there's like decapitated heads all over the place it's funny because like the spell is like and when he makes up. The first person he sees he's going to fall in love with. That's... And they spell that out so clearly. Yeah, but you know what? There's some logistical bullshit with all of this.

Yeah, just a little bit. Because he looks at Nigel. No, well, that's the thing is he so he escapes. He's like, what happened? And he runs out of there and he's like drunk walking down the street in Midvale. And he's looking at dudes left and right. Yes. There's just like people honking out of my, hey, get out of

the street, moron. It's dude after dude after dude. It's the thing. It's 1984 and that didn't happen yet. According to Emperor Reagan's statistics, that didn't happen. Oh, yeah, that's right. It makes him, I mean, it drugs him, but it doesn't make him crazy. I mean, it's magic, but he's not crazy. Yeah, it's ridiculous because he sees a million dudes, and I think women too, but like, yeah.

At this point, coinciding with him walking into town, just trying to get away from this crazy old witch. Lewis, sorry, Lucy Lane, is hanging out with Linda Lee, and the world's creepiest interloper Jimmy Olson. Yeah, he's taking a page at a Zaltar's book here. Oh, yeah. Because, so it's like a holiday weekend.

Like Supergirl enrolls in private school right before a three-day weekend. Great timing. Oh, sure. Columbus Day. She's just like, like Lucy's like, you know, I live in Midvale. It's only five miles from the campus. We're going to get together with a bunch of friends,

including a good friend of mine that I think you might know. His name's Jimmy Olson. And I'm like, wait a minute. These girls are in high school. Yeah. Jimmy Olson's played by the dude who plays Dave McFly. That guy's not in high school. What? Mark McClure. That guy's definitely not in

high school. Oh, but he's coming to this rando town to hang out. Oh, he'll drive cross-counter. counties. You know what, though? Don't cross state lines, Jimmy Olson. Then the rub gets even deeper. Jimmy Olson's working a full-time job at the daily planet. He looks like he's at least in his mid-30s. He's an employed adult. He's an employed adult. He's got to, he's got to. Perry White's not hiring anyone without a bachelor's degree. I doubt it. Oh, absolutely. And you need a thick portfolio, too, for Perry White to hire you. And he's just like talking up Lois Lane's little sister. I don't think Lois knows what's going on here. No, no, no, no, no. She's Too brassy.

How was it? Like, how could you face Lois? You know what I mean? Like, Monday through Friday, it'd be like putting your hat on on Friday afternoon and being like. You give it to this old golly Shucks routine. Yeah. Oh, golly Shucks. Sorry, Superman and Lois.

I can't go out for a drink tonight. I've got a sick mother. And then he drives out there. Yeah. Picks up a six pack of wine coolers. Yep. Condoms? Maybe.

Jimmy Olson stars in... It's 1984. Jimmy Olson... You're right. You're right. Jimmy Olson stars in hard candy. I mean, like, it's weird. It's incredibly weird.

I mean, like, I understand the impulse again. Like, everyone can't be somebody's cousin. You know what I mean? You've got to have some continuity. Like, well, Jimmy Olson, I guess he's dating loose. No, I don't know. I understand. And how this world is related to the world of Superman.

I don't need Jimmy Olson starring in statutory raparama to make that connection of the two worlds. It's fine. It would be better if it wasn't Lois's little sister. It's just some other random girl that he's targeted. Jimmy Olson, don't you live in Metropolis? Yeah, I've got an aunt in Midvale, though. Oh, according to these toll booth records, Mr. You were seen driving to Midvale in the middle of the night, six consecutive weeks in a row.

Because, you know, honestly, this target of his, I'm going to say target. You're definitely allowed to do that. It's too close to Superman, and you know what Superman can do. What are you doing? Dude, if Clark slash Superman finds out what's going on, you're going to get turned into a pretzel. Or left in the phantom zone or anything. This dude is a shutterbug. What if, you know, with that

X-ray vision of Superman, he could probably see what's on unexposed negatives. And if he doesn't kill you, he will end your life in Metropolis. Like, you're finished in this town. Superman's pal, Jeffrey Jones. Nobody needs that shit. And that's exactly what's happening.

Jimmy Olson is heading straight for his own troubles. He's a Shutterbug, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? Superman gets upset. He'll probably snap his neck You can't let it come out that this guy was his associate, you know? It's going to ruin that whole All-American Innocence angle. Remember that terrifying scene at the end of Superman 1 when he gets pissed at Lois Lane dies?

And he lets out that terrifying shriek. Oh, yeah. It's kind of like the xenomorph, an alien, when they're just yelling in people. Yeah. That's what's going to happen to Jimmy Olson. Oh, yeah. I was like, you what? It's like that.

I've seen what this guy. would do to someone that just sits in his chair at a diner. You're totally right. I mean, what's he going to do when he finds out that the love of his life, the love of everything, her little sisters being

I don't even want to know by this guy. Prayed upon by this co-worker of his that he doesn't really like all that much. It's an easy decision for Superman to make. Easy decision. Pump this guy out now. outer space. Oh, yeah, dude. He's going to kick him in the balls like Supergirl did to Matt Fruer.

So hard, he'll fly into outer space and then into inner space. And then Peter O'Toole finds him and he's like, oh, hello, comrade. Welcome to Pervit Commune. We're inside, Dennis Quay. Monday morning comes around. Jimmy Olson's like making some bad

like, you know, Chinese food in the microwave. And Clark Ken comes over. He's like, I never saw garbage eat garbage before. Oh no That means it's about to go down Dude that's when Jimmy Olson just throws himself Out of a window I mean

Did you guys Are it speaking of like this extended version That I think I watched the longest of Sure I watched the Lawrence of Arabia Cut of this movie Did you guys have all the scenes Of Supergirl getting bullied

By this other girl at school Including like the locker room shenanigans Where she's like trying to prank them By like turning them Like it's amazing because She's like, I'm going to turn this water, boiling hot. And, like, the sidekick is like, I don't know, Bertha. If you do that, they might get scalded.

Why don't you just make it cool? And then Supergirl, like, here's all this and, like, melts a bunch of pipes or something. And they get all sprayed with hot water. It's creepy. Well, she says, like, if they burn, they burn. Oh, yeah. Bertha. Relax.

And, yeah. It seemed pretty insignificant to the movie. So I wanted to see if you guys had it. It means nothing. and comes to nothing. This bullies never talked about again. So Hart Bochner whirls into town. Yes.

Jimmy Olson's really trying to get to third base with a 14-year-old girl. They're meeting up at the town's hot spot, which, did you catch it? It's a Popeye's chicken. Really? We're hanging out at a Popeye's chicken. That's where all the kids in Midvale

go when they're not at school, is a Popeye's chicken. And that's like, Jimmy Olson, I don't want to have an adult see me. I'm going to go to the fast food restaurant with these chicken. Also, kids love it. fast food. Cheap date. He is just a lowly photographer at a newspaper. Hart Bochner's

walking around confused and Jimmy Olson's like, no, no, no, no, don't worry about that, girls, let's go inside. He totally is like, let's go back inside and eat. Food's getting cold. Meanwhile, this poor man is like clueless. He's in a fucking fugue state of his own wandering the street. No one in this town of Midvale is helping him. Everyone is driving by honking the horn. I thought the Midwest was supposed to be nice. I thought people were nice to each other. Brian Denehy and David Cruz were about to load up a car and run this hobo out of town. I think so.

This hobo vet. Enough's enough. Comes back here, gets spit on. Run out of town. A nonsense happens where Celine makes a fucking bulldozer come to life. Oh, man. It's like a backhoe or something.

Yeah, this runaway backhoe. Who could care? This sequence takes forever. It's long as shit. Supergirl basically winds up saving him and the first person he sees, even though it's the 90th person he sees. Yeah.

Is her and he's like, I'm in la la la la love with you. And he starts talking all flowery and whatever else. Yeah, I thought this was a love spell. Not a love slash poetry spell, okay? Stupid movie. And again, I think it's trying to appeal to teenage girls

like that idea of like, oh my God, he's such a sweet guy. And like, you know, which is fine again. But let's pick a. movie and make it yeah how about that uh later on uh seline sends an invisible monster out to kill supergirl that's kind of fun so this is like supergirl goes back to the dorm because like lucy lane's going off with jimmy olson they're going to a party there's a party going on you know who's gonna buy everyone beer yeah yep oh exactly and you know what he's excited to be for once in his life

the hero of the party see jimmy olson just had to wait till he was out of high school for 15 years, then he can go to high school parties and be the king of the party. Right, because he was the nerd. You know, you know this guy got some swirlies and stuff. Oh, sure, but nowadays, dude, he's paying for that Popeye's chicken, buying beer at the community store. No, you know what he's doing, though? He's doing

the thing. He's like, all right, guys, cool. I'll get you guys two 30 racks. Ten bucks from all of you. It's like 10 people. He pockets a little for himself. Oh, man. Making a trip worthwhile. Listen, here's the thing. If anyone has purchased beer for underage kids, you got to take a fee. Is that

How that works? You're putting your life on the line, man. You've got to take a fee. Fair enough. A little bit for you, a little bit for me. Exactly. I got something for myself. Oh, I'll do it, but I need a taste.

Yeah. I need a taste of that cut. But see, that's why, though, I don't think Jimmy Olson's ripping anybody off because his taste, his reward is the love of Lucy Lane. Right. That's all. So how many kids have you bought a beer for it? No, no, Andrew, sit down.

Sit down. Have a seat. No, I will say that... Have some lemonade. In having several older people buy beer for me, that's the system that was always in place, and that was always fair. You're putting your life on the line.

No, I've had people approach me about it. Twice in my life, and both times I've laughed in their face and not done me about it. What am I going to do? No, who are you? I'm not putting my life on the line for you. Nobody approaches me. They know the deal.

They could spot a square. So this invisible monster comes to attack Super... Oh, right. At the dormitory. And it's almost a good fight scene, but not really. Is it? No. Here's the thing.

When you don't want to show a monster because you blew a million dollars on a credit sequence, you make it an invisible monster. Horse shit alert, everybody. It's one of the things where, like, there's trees falling down, and a fence got stepped on. And Supergirl's looking out the window, like, shouldn't there be a monster about here? And what she does, again... This alien has no knowledge of how the planet Earth works. She grabs a lamp post, flies up into a thunderstorm,

has lightning strike it a bunch of times, so it builds up lightning inside it, or something, flies back down and jabs this thing with it. You know what I would have appreciated and it doesn't happen in this movie? Throw some punches. You know, you're a kryptonian, you can knock that thing's block off. Totally. You kicked that dude in the balls and he went flying.

Kick that monster in the balls. I think his grandma had a heart attack when that happened is so bad. But she just kind of jabs at this thing and it's like, never mind and just like runs away. And she's like, ha, another job done for Supergirl. It sucks. She's not very good, right? Helen Slater. She's okay.

She's fine. She was better as Becky Gelke on Seinfeld. I think that it doesn't, she doesn't have, and it's the screenplay's fault, like, those first two Superman movies are really well written. And then, like, you get Christopher Reeve doing both angles. Like, it's like, I'm, you know, my body looks this way when I'm Clark Kent. My body looks that way when I'm whatever. And he does a good job with the physicality of, like, he walks different when he's Clark Kent, that whole thing. She's just kind of now my hair is brown.

Yeah, yeah. Neither of them, like, neither of them is more confident or anything. It's just sort of like, to be fair, also, I mean, she's just working, you know, with this director who's not helping her out at all. There's no direction. Do you think, by the way, speaking to Becky Gelke, do you think Jerry signed, was like, wait a minute. Like he was in the casting room one day and he was like, I think that's the woman

that played Supergirl. Larry David, cast that woman immediately. Guaranteed. So, yeah, it took me a second to place out of the Desians, Jerry Seinfeld's character has slept with. Yes. Okay, no, she was in the last episode?

No, that's an episode where they deal with something called the Good Samaritan Law. The episode in question is called the Good Samaritan. It's where Jerry sees somebody bump into a car and drive off and he makes up a story about how he followed the person or something. It's an early

episode. Yeah, and like confronts, he tells this big story or whatever and then it's proven to be false. But I believe, if I'm remembering, right, Becky Galke is the character whose car was bumped into and Jerry feeds her the line of bullshit. Or is it he falls in love with the person and it's her, I don't remember.

Either way, Helen Slater was in this episode called The Good Samarious. And also, she was the woman in city slickers who Daniel Stern's trying to get with the whole time. Good luck, Daniel Stern. Good luck, real life, Daniel Stern. This is Becky Gailke we're talking about here. Helen God, this is a Supergirl.

For Christ's sakes. You were just the Reverend in Chud. I mean, a lot of stuff happens that I don't think we need to get into. No, not at all. Basically, she gets, Supergirl confronts Selena, and for some reason, Selena knows what the phantom zone is. sure hey sure and sucks her into the phantom zone using the glass shield thing yes she gets wrapped up in that just like terence stamp in the gang she gets sucked away into the fandom zone

she wakes up on like a hell planet because we've never actually which is fun we've never seen the inside of the phantom zone this is something i gave to this movie i was like oh cool you don't see the phantom zone in any of the other movies that's pretty badass and it's like a wasteland and whatnot i didn't catch peter o'Toole's line about bad neighbors Well, basically she's like walking through Endor and falls into a swamp lake or whatever and gets up to her face and is about to die and somebody pulls her out. She doesn't have superpowers because there's no yellow sun. Right. Sorry everybody.

And she gets pulled out by Peter O'Toole. And he's got this weird habit on this planet where he's like, sure, you won't have a squirt. Once you get used to it, I think it's delicious. Squirt. Oh, squirt. Oh, squirt. Hey, hey, Eric, how about to squirt? Oh, put it in my mouth.

Squirt. Steve, would you like a squirt? He just is squirt like the first couple times. He's kind of crazy now. Addicted to like... It's like some phantom zone hooch, man. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, it's moonshine, brewed locally in the phantom zone.

I think he's just drinking his own urine. He made it in the prison toilet, that's for sure. Hey, Supergirl, would you like a squirt? it's disgusting that's what he's squirts in her mouth yes that's that is what happens she yeah she's it's like tasting alcohol you'll acquire taste for it soon enough yeah it tastes like garbage until it's delicious for some reason he's on such hard times he's been out there for i think the idea is like you know it takes you know time moves differently but he still only has a five o'clock shadow like it's only a five o'clock shadow noah beard yeah me too actually he

somehow looks like in every doctor doom or origin story when he first gets fucked over by whichever translation you're reading and he's just like ragged and he's got a cloak on like that's what Peter O'Toole looks like but you're right it's only a five o'clock shadow he needs a Noah beard he needs to look haggard as hell but it's Peter O'Toole and he doesn't give his shit about being in Supergirl so he's like you know what I just won't shave for a day or two that's the most you're getting out of me this Supergirl movie Super what? Super stupid.

I can make bad jokes and they'll be better than the dialogue in your screenplay. And he's just like, he's talking about, oh, it's a life of hell, here, supergirl. Squirt. By the way, thanks for ruining my life. I was pretty... Squirt. I was doing pretty okay in Argo. I had my bags packed for quite a vacation.

You made that fucking butterfly That destroyed everything By the way, everyone's dead It's been an eternity for me But it's definitely been at least seven days for you You had two to save the Argo City Congratulations, our civilization Is now officially down to two

Me and you Squirt, squirt, I'm going to be dead in five minutes anyway and you'll be the last Kryptonian Unless your cousin comes back From that international conference or whatever There was a guy when I worked at a at a gym in college that would drink this big

it was in a pollen spring bottle squirt and it was a big thing of yellow liquid that looked like urine and he was kind of crazy and he was probably urine I thought it was like no one could check

you can't be like hey man can I smell whatever is in that bottle excuse me sir I'm going to need to smell your bottle did he have a ponytail he did and he had a long crazy beard yeah because I grew up in like a hippie area you know sure sure

People might know this, but, you know, I grew up in near Woodstock, New York. And I did know a guy growing up who had a ponytail who adamantly drank his own urine. What was he like telling people in the town square? Squirt, square. People, you know, there's squirt. It's like new agey, like, oh, this is the new health craze. Like, don't you guys know that? I missed that one.

But it's waste. It's just waste. But here's the thing Is you can still use it One more round or two more rounds I think Before it's totally waste Was he

Squirt squirt squirt? Squirt, squirt. Was he the world's biggest Waterworld fan? The opening moments of that movie Is Kevin Costner drinking urine? I didn't spend too much time with him He was a friend of a friend

I think it might have been a Jimmy Olson type of switch. Oh, yeah, I see. So it turns out that there's actually a way to just walk out of the phantom zone. And he's never fucking got the gumption to do it. Exactly. And all it is is like a slit in the fabric of whatever the squirt you're talking about. And he's like, I can take you there.

We have to make it or something. Is that right, director? Something. It's or something. Fantastic. Let's go on a journey. A journey fit. for Tolkien

with your supergirl script. You know, I think I'd like to play squirtle at one point. I could do the voice. Squirtle. Squirtle, squirtle. That sounds good, doesn't it?

Squirt. So it's like... That was the dragon, right? Yeah. No, no, no. That's a Pokemon. Oh, okay. That's a Pokemon.

Yeah, squirtle. Why was I also thinking of a dragon with a similar sounding name. What are we thinking of? Smog. Oh, yeah, maybe I was thinking to smowg.

Anyway. Squirt. Squirt the dragon. My precious squirt. See, this show makes no sense. This movie makes no sense.

See, it's just like, oh, it's a life of pain here. If you don't want to go through that gate over there, which I don't. It's hello, Supergirl. My life.

is paid. There's been a sign on the gate for eternity that says back in five. No one's ever flipped it around, Supergirl. So I've just been sitting here. It's a mountain that you go up. And there's like a blood tornado behind you. Like, I don't know what's going on. It's a little dark night rises. It's been Rasa, Rasa. You know, you've got to climb the mountain. And he's never had the gumption to do it. You're totally right. Oh, man. Well, they do it. Peter O'Toole falls off and dies. eyes and she gets out. That's great. Well, because Selena could see them. She's watching it on fucking bullshit cable or something. Yeah. She's got a magic mirror because she's an evil witch. Because this movie's stupid. Well, what also's happening? When she goes away, right? Supergirl gets sent to the Phantom Zone. Superman is galaxies away because he heard they were making a Supergirl movie. So he's like, get me the fuck off the planet. Now let me pause you right there for a second. So we are told that it's like billions of miles away, blibbitty blow

sure sure so he's like a long ways away from our son yes how is he staying powered up to get back to earth oh oh yeah superman wait a good question there's other sons they're called stars so he just it's it's not is it any no it's yellow need a yellow son well all right so maybe i guess there's other yeah you don't think there's other yellow sons out there i don't know you think you're special i ain't seen it i mean they never squirt precisely um but While this is happening, Selina crowns herself Queen of the Earth. Dude, she's got a hit squad out of nowhere. There's secret police in this movie for no reason.

It's Gestapo. Apparently, the president is dead. He probably renounced again power. Yet again. Oh, no. Sorry, everybody. Well, first, it was this space monster. Now it's just this evil witch.

But all the same, I'm renouncing the presidency. Does the Superman movies take place in France? I'm going to dust off the oldies from now on. I'm wondering. Straight from 2003. Did that guy run for re-election after the Kryptonian invasion? I don't think you can come back from that politically. That's career suicide.

You let aliens bully you out of office. You're bending over for parent stamp on national television. You can't come back and have a war on drugs. I apologize. Let me tell you. Paulman, President Palman from Independent. Oh, yeah. He's, oh, he got at least two more terms. They changed the rules.

Yes, exactly. Because it was an alien invasion by scary monsters. Oh, wow. This was Terrence Stamp being very polite about taking over the world. And you're right, Steve. This dude just bent over. I mean, but yeah, so like the whole world is over with, she still stays in, again, she stays in Midville. She doesn't go to L.A., she doesn't go to New York.

Midville, the new capital of the world, baby. Midvale, Illinois. She doesn't go to Hong Kong. She actually makes up mountain in Midvale. And everyone's like, hey, where'd that mountain come from? Jimmy Olson, again, they come out of this Popeye's chicken again. And you're like, what is this guy doing? No, I was like, is this, are we to believe.

Go to work. I don't care if Superman's off planet. Go to work. First of all, it's a holiday weekend. Second of all, I was like, is this the same? It's Columbus Day, useless, useless holiday in America. No, is it the same day, or is he eating at that Popeye's chicken again? Well, we might as well just go back. Yeah, I got this whole book of coupons.

Oh, God. This guy's a creep. And let me say, Popeyes is better than KFC, but there's no reason to eat there. But it's still garbage. You're still eating garbage. It's Midvale, dude. What else is there? Is there a red lobster? Because I'm not eating there.

Hey, are you Olson? I got a collect call from out of space. Oh, yeah, sure. Never heard. No, never saw a garbage-y-garbage before. God damn you, Superman. My favorite line in all those movies. Garbage-y garbage.

That's great. So, Supergirl, like, Selena, while she's watching him from, by the way, Hart Bockner becomes her love slave and all this shit. Sure, why not? He's got a fancy velvet tuxedo one. Who cares?

It's fucking Supergirl. Let's do it. A lot of, yes, darling. Yes, darling. He's a guest mistress or whatever the fuck. And this obnoxious, what's her name, Blanche? Bianca. Bianca, this idiot number two.

Blanche. Dude, I said they're the Golden Girls. I know. I'm just. You don't think Bianca's a blanche, though? Is that what you're saying? I want to, I'm saying she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not getting out there more and mingling. I think Celine is more the blanche and Bianca might be the Betty White.

Oh. She's kind of stupid. Yeah. And she kind of, you know, just yells dumb opinion. Well, that wasn't Betty White. That was a... Oh, right. That was a good...

That was the youngest one that was the oldest one. Right. Yeah, that was a... No, no, B. Arthur, you... B. Arthur yells Ma. Yeah. But I was thinking of Ma. Estelle Getty.

Estelle Getty, yeah. Rest in peace, almost all of them. Except for Betty White. She's got a game show or something. I think they were from Krypton? They are golden girls? Golden, maybe the Earth's yellow sun kept them alive in Florida or wherever for that long. I think they explored that in Golden Palace, but nobody got into it.

Andrew, Golden Palace? Golden Palace, it's a terrible spinoff that I got yelled at on the subway one time for trashing in public. You've had to have told that story, right? I maybe did. We were on the A train and some dude was like, it's a cultural thing. You're too young to appreciate it. I was like, no, I've seen like five episodes of it. It's terrible, and the Golden Girls is great, and you're an idiot.

And it was like three stops before I thought to say any of that to that guy. He was long gone. So, Celine's watching, and she's watching. She knows Supergirl's the only person that could destroy her queendom at this point. Oh, sure. So she's, like, throwing all sorts of fireballs at him and, like, nonsense. And Peter O'Too is like, oh, really? One more indignity, a?

Fireball to the face. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Once more into the breach. Squirt, squirt, squirt. And yeah, I mean, like we said, he falls to his death. She is Minraza's out of the cave. And this is, she, like, gets to the light and she, like, puts her hands on her hips. It's kind of like very Peter Pan-esque here.

And this is the closest, this theme song comes to the John Williams score. Yeah, it gets really close. I was like, wow, you're like a, a mustache hair away. from fucking this up. Oh. Can't sue myself. I'm El Salkin. I owns them both.

So she like flies back through Salina's window like immediately. And everyone's in cages at this point. Jimmy Olson and Lucy Lane and Nigel who's kind of like, I guess, a redemptive villain or something. Right. Well, he gets the shaft because he's got this like little wand thing. Of dark magic. Yeah. On top of.

the other thing that she had, which was whatever. Right. Well, she combines both of them. She fucks him over. She's like, teach me how to use this thing. And then she's like, yoink. Yeah. Yes. And steals this thing. So all three of them are in cages. And Nigel has the foresight to be like,

oh yeah, hanging in cages from the ceiling, Selena. Real original. And he's just like, yeah, fuck you movie I'm in. Yeah, yeah. Peter Cook says, fuck you, stupid movie. In a cage. Now, this is where some this is where some of the dumbest shit happens in this movie

because she's like trying to get them down and whatnot and Selena starts making the floor shake and it's like hot lava, hot lava and I'm like, just fly Supergirl just elevate above it instead she's like falling over like whoa shaky floor yeah it doesn't make any sense just lift off the ground

we saw you do it for five minutes with those horses at the beginning or bathe in the lava and be like I'm from Krypton you asshole I drink this shit Glug, glug, glug, motherfucker. Squirt, squirt, squirt. How is it that a witch can one up a cryptonian? It doesn't make any sense.

It's so stupid. So, yeah, a bunch of nonsense happens. And then Selena contacts the devil to fight Subric Girl. What are we doing? I mean, this is a level 12 stupid shit alert. Now, do they actually say the devil? No. They say like Shadow.

Yeah. Oh, I summon Shadow. or shadow be the shadow beast it's a hell beast yes oh it's just a big demon looking right it's gigantic so we're putting up the supermen and ladies against the bottles of hell pretty much arabist practically it's great to know that both those things exist in this universe that we have uh the hell magic and christian hell both exist in this world yes and it just you know like again, what I want her to do is knock this thing's fucking teeth out, right?

You know, this is my... And make them eat it. Yes, exactly. Squirt, squirt. I'm going to shit in your mouth, demon, because I'm from fucking Krypton and I don't take that shit. I'm telling you, if she's shit in this thing's mouth. Oh, yeah.

It'd be a recommend. Five stars. Oh, yeah. Five stars. It would redeem the whole film. Totally. Like, if she just busted its teeth down its throat. Yep.

And then sat on there and did the stuff. hot lunch this demon do it and take to it take his fucking lunch money and take a picture of it and send it to his demon mother and say your fucking son's garbage and then supergirl could have a line that could trump Superman yeah huh never seen shitty shit before and then Nigel goes quite literally eat shit and then she zaps him to the fandom zone Sure, because why not that guy now? Totally. Everyone's going to the phantom zone. Send them all.

Jimmy Olson, I think belongs there. Oh, yeah, pedophiles can go to the phantom zone, absolutely. Zoltar lives there. He's the king of the phantom zone. Man. So whatever, but she doesn't beat this thing. No, she kicks it in the shin. Well, she, there's magic going on.

She's like, oh, I'm so weak. And then, like, Peter O'Toole's like, believe in yourself. Out of nowhere, he, Obi-Wan Kenobi's her. and it is uncalled for you haven't built up that that's possible in this universe yeah it's a total run luke run i would think i was crazy if i was luke skywork all right oh fuck that old man made me crazy yeah oh yeah i would put that lightsaber up to my head and turn it on let's fry these brains and by the way note to disney executives who are definitely listening that's what i want to see in one of these these darn star wars movies that you're making fucking lightsaber suicide yeah

I want to see it happen. Let's see it with Sepaku, man. Totally. Blast it through your head. You look like Steve Martin doing the arrow bit for two seconds and then you fall down dead. Amazing Star Wars death. You're welcome. Hey, Disney, you're welcome.

It would be great. You could sell that t-shirt before the movie comes out too. So this monster's like dead. It's dead. She sends Selena and Blanche into a mirror. Yes. That's not the... Is it?

I think it's supposed to be. Yes. Because she... Doesn't she come out of the mirror or whatever? No, she breaks through just her patio door. Yeah, I don't know. She just flies through an outside door. All right.

For brevity, I'm going to say it's the phantom thing. I don't know where else it could be. Maybe it's Cleveland. Who knows? I couldn't possibly. Don't worry about it, Midvale. It's Cleveland's problem now. Don't you know that every mirror goes

to Cleveland, squirt. And I mean, like, whatever. She grabs the Obahender on and, like, I guess the president comes back into power at some point. Oh, yeah. He comes out of the bunker and everything's fine. Well, this is something, this is interesting, actually. Because this whole incident and the presence of Supergirl herself,

we never see any kind of montage where she's making national news. No, she's not. There's no thing about, like, there's another alien with God powers around. Everybody be alert. Government cover up. Yeah. She's been taking to Area 51 and dissect it. Well, that's the thing.

I'm thinking, right? If this got out of hand, we just nuke Midvale, pave it over, man. Build an airport there? Yeah. It never existed. Oh, the Middville International Airport? You haven't been there? It's beautiful.

I think we should definitely do that. Nuke this fake town. And, I mean, she says goodbye. to Hart Bockner who realizes that both he, there's a bunch of nonsense we're not going to get into where he is in love with Linda but not Supergirl and then he realizes

they're both the same person. He doesn't need any clues. He's the only person in this universe that just takes a look and is like, wait a minute, that's a wig. No, he's like, hmm, more of a brunette guy. Yeah.

Sorry, Supergirl. I like Betty, not Veronica. Or the other around veronica got up eddie yeah you're right yeah whichever it is squirt something something argiccomic squirt uh yeah but so she's like yeah but you understand why we can't be together right hart bachner and he's like that's cool i'm gonna go direct pc u in 10 years see you later he's like you know i'm just gonna keep looking great and doing things yep totally fine diehard's just a few years off fine hey could you do me a favor and just tell your uh your your buddy your cousin's buddy there to back off that little girl

because that's fucked up. I mean, I work for that school, and I just, I'm going to have to report, and I don't want to be the bad guy, so. Yeah, it's tough enough being a janitor on the campus of an all-girls school, but it's unacceptable. He's giving a bad name to all handsome men working on this campus. He's not handsome, that's for sure, Mark McClore. And this, in one of the greatest pieces of, like,

we're just not paying attention to anything ever. It's like Hart Bockner, they all make their way down from the mountain somehow. sure not even getting a ride from Supergirl um and like it's like Supergirl says goodbye and flies out and that's it right so then they have to spend all this time getting down the mountain right so then Hart Bochner again I think the center of town is where this Popeye's chicken is because they're all standing outside it again and Supergirl flies over and he's like see you later Supergirl and I was like she'd be gone for hours she already flew away just doing donuts around the town I just want to make sure to get down safe. I'm not going to help them down. I'm just going to make sure they walk down this

mountain safe. It's just, no one was paying attention to Jack Squat making this movie, man. Well, because she grabs the goddamn thing and goes in the water and like, the credit start. And I'm like, wait, you need to show me Mia Farrow being like, it needs to be the end of space balls when Dick Van Patten's dead. And they turn the air back on. He goes, oh, yeah, I need that scene. Anything. And listen, I watched the one that was almost two and a half hours. There's none of it. She goes underwater and I'm like, is this a sea town?

What is happening? Credits. Nothing. How do you not have this? She needs to go back there and see all those skeletons laying around. Yes. The corpses of her loved ones. And all those little kids.

All the little Padaway youngens. Oh, no. Oh, it's interstellar, man. It's been like 70 years since she left. just they're all dust all that's left is Peter O'Toole's weird trees that he kept making and that's it and you know

you wait till the end of the credits and this movie is dedicated to four dead people that died in production somehow oh is it is it yes yes oh no doing what that's the only thing on Wikipedia it just says you know like dedication these it's three people

a girl and a woman and two men and they just said they all died during the course of production like production assistants and whatever else. I saw this and I saw those names and I recognized that these are deceased individuals and I thought that is so sad. I would hate to have the film like this dedicated to me.

If I am killed on the set of your shitty movie and you have the audacity and the ignorance to dedicate it to me, I will haunt you for a turn. Not in my name, Supergirl. Because you know in the future, a bunch of fat jerks are going to talk about this

Yes. Of course. And here we are. A bunch of fat jerks. And her will be again. It's interstellar all over again. Dude, 31 years later, we're talking about how this shitty movie's dedicated to these dead people. You don't want that. No. You got to put that in a contract when you sign on to work on a movie, if I die. Just don't. I don't even care if it's the best movie ever. Don't dedicate it to me. No. Because you never know what's going to happen. Maybe if I'm on Schindler's list And it's like, you know what, if I die, you can dedicate Well, you're not going to dedicate Shindler's list. You've got a couple of other people dedicated it too.

People ahead of me in line there. Yeah, it's a lot of names, Steve. Holy moly. You know what? Would anybody recommend Supergirl? Oh, man, no. It's so long. I mean, maybe if you can find that 95-minute VHS tape,

sweet day. Go for it. I think that there's, again, I mean, like, it's kind of unfortunate, because there hasn't been a headlining superhero movie since, aside from Catwoman and maybe some one-offs here and there. Elektra.

Alctra. Garbage. Garbage. And it's just, and it's not the fact that you can't make a good superhero movie about a woman because read any superhero comic, a Wonder Woman comic, read a Supergirl comic, read a Catwoman comic, read an Elektra comic. You can write those stories.

Those stories exist. But for some reason, no one knows how to do that. It's garbage. and don't like bring your fucking A team to it. Yes. Don't bring half ass in it. Yeah, whatever. It's a Supergirl movie. Because you watch this and the whole thing is, yeah, whatever. It's just a Supergirl movie. Which and then fuck you, you already made Superman 3, which is terrible. And then you made Superman 4, which is also terrible.

Mark McClure in all five of those movies, by the way. Oh, yeah. The only man. He's just the thread, dude. The thread connecting this shitty fabric. Yeah, no, this is the movie version of the Phantom Zone. It is impossibly long, it is boring as shit, I hate it. And you're right, they need to, we need female superhero movies. Yes. I mean, it's kind of not a superhero, but I think that Agent Carter show is pretty okay.

Yeah. Agent Carter's good. Jessica Jones looks awesome. It does look cool. I think, again, we're doing this because that Supergirl TV show is coming out. We're doing this a little before it premiere, so I don't know if it's good or bad. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad.

Red tornado is a thing that exists. exists. Hey, you already told me he's a robot, right? That's cool. I'm learning. Well, it's just kind of this thing where it's like there's this part of my brain where I'm like, oh my God, Red Tornado, say, look what you did to the world, Steve. Now the whole world has to be

this way. It's your nightmare and your dream. Converging into one CW TV show. Or CBS. Oh, yeah, CBS, you're right. Another station I don't watch. Yeah, you know what? I'm not recommending. It took me two days to get through this movie.

granted I was watching the almost two and a half hour cut but it's just totally mismanaged and a blown opportunity to branch out your franchise into a cool thing because like think of it this way like if this movie was a success you have Superman 4 you could team them up yes like you know she could come back in playing Supergirl in this movie what they should have done is probably have her in Superman 3

you know what I mean like yeah backdoor pilot that shit yes exactly let's do it that way let's test the waters a bit and then we could bring her out on our own adventure and that'll be fun and no witches how about no witches you know what squirt squirt no witches witches witches in in superhero movies or science fiction as we saw with that iwax movie yeah no it's trouble you don't want witches that's supergirl from 1984 directed by jeanat zwark if you want to get a hold of us check out our website w hmpodcast dot com or find us over at sideshow net network. TV. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. And of course, right into the mailbag.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. Now, clue for next week's episode, Terry Kaiser. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, indeed. That could mean a couple of things. All of its trouble. So until next week, when we're talking about Terry Kaiser, I'm Andrew Juppen.

Stephen Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it squirty. Thank you.