We Hate Movies - S6 Ep225: Weekend at Bernie's

Episode Date: November 17, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang kicks off a two week Bernie-a-thon with the coked-out, bad decision-filled nonsense-fest, Weekend at Bernie's! How do you create such lackluster mafia characters? How does no one see how creepy Silverman's character is? And how is Bernie's corpse not torn to shreds by the end of all this? PLUS: Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin pen the script for a Bernie's remake. Bah gawd! Weekend at Bernie's stars Jonathan Silverman, Andrew McCarthy, Terry Kiser, Catherine Mary Stewart, and Don Calfa; directed by Ted Kotcheff. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Eric Siska. Bernie Lomax. And we hate movies. You are not Bernie Lomax. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always.

This week, we're kicking things back to 1989 with the classic corpse comedy, as promised. Weekend at Bernie's directed by Ted Kochev, who is, of course, a distinguished director in his own right. Hidden Assassin with Dolmgren, which is actually kind of a great movie. First Blood. Uncommon Valor, with... Gene Hackman. And wake in fright with Donald Pleasance, which is a totally fucked up crazy Australian movie.

You know, I'm not gonna, I don't think we should stand on ceremony here. We are doing, we're in the middle of a half month marathon. That's what we're doing right now. You're calling it a half monther man. Yeah, it's, uh, we get at birdies one and two this week and the next. That's what's happening. Just settle in

with the, with the rich Larry and Larry and Larry. Yeah, it's Larry. Rich and Larry. Rich and Larry, man. Rich and La. La. La. to get Andrew McCarthy's obnoxious Queen's accent in this movie. It's delicious. So, yeah, that's it.

So stop listening for two weeks and come back when we talk about movies you actually care about. Someone's excited. Oh, people are excited, man. We've been promising this for a while. Yeah, there's about 10, I think. But I got to say this. This is, I think, without question,

the better of the Bernies. Well, yeah, it has to be. I haven't seen two in a while, and I'd be shocked if it's better than this movie. I mean, I remember it being sillier. Well, it's fucking stupid. It's, as you would say, trash.

But this movie, Weekend of Bernie's 1, I think I've seen maybe like five or six times. Weekend of Bernie's 2, I had taped off of a Fox broadcast. We're talking wearing out that tape. I've seen that movie. I'm not kidding you like 20 times. Wow, maybe it is the better movie. We'll find out. We'll do a little post-mortem. This movie,

we hate movies prime I'm sorry We can at Bernie's prime I like to call it Yeah We get a Bernie's mother ship maybe This movie TOS

Oh yeah That's Weekend of Bernie's TOS I think what you want to go on The original series Of Bernie Yeah I wish there was a series Based around these

Corps and guys How is that a crappy cartoon Yeah You could have You could have adapted this Into a shitty cartoon For sure You could have done it

This movie is the odd couple with degenerates is what this movie is. Because they're an odd couple type character. Sure. Andrew McCarthy and, of course, the 1980s and 90s Jonathan Silverman. Yep. Of Caddyshack 2 fame. Oh, man. I don't know if that's a stay tuned, but that's a shit-ass movie.

It's terrible. I've seen that. That's a comedy central's just showing it to you. Take a look at this. You watch it enough. You're like, yeah. I kind of like Jackie Mason. No one likes Jackie Mason.

I'm starting to. Oh, where was I going? Oh, and Jonathan Silverman, of course, also from The Single Guy. Yeah. Watched a lot of that. One of those gap filled, what you call spackle comedies from the 90s, wherein you had your friends at 8 o'clock and you had your sign filled at 9 o'clock. You need the spackle at 830 and 9.30.

Got to keep that comedy wall together. You don't want that NBC 13. Thursday night comedy wall to fall down, so you patch that fucking hole in the middle of the schedule. You get your single guy, your hope and Gloria goes in there. Oh, totally. You get some Caroline in the city as like a load-bearing show. Because you don't want that lineup to go anywhere. It's going to fall right down.

You suddenly Susan's your Union Square. Oh, man, Union Square. Yeah, man. Woof, Central. They just couldn't figure out what to do with that time slot. No, they couldn't. And then I feel like it was just as bad as at the 9.30. too. What was going on there?

I think that was suddenly, Susan had that for a long time. That show was around for a while. Veronica's closet was peppered about. What network was Just Shoot Me? That was NBC. I think it might have been a Tuesday situation trying to hold up Frazier's ass, you know? Oh, yeah. That's a pretentious, heavy ass to hold up.

Frazier. No, that's on before or after? Oh, I don't know. Oh, I wouldn't be able. I wouldn't presume to know. What, just shoot me? I think it started before It started after Frazier And ended after Frasier We heard that like

What was that salad toss song? What do you do at the end? Toss salad and scrambled eggs Green eggs and ham Frazier Crane reads at the end of every episode Baby I hear the blues are calling Toss salad And shoot me in the fucking head

Why was he singing jazz? He was always listening to opera and classical music Because who the fuck could care Because the show's ending it, and he's slumming it now. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, he's slumming it. This is what the commoners like.

Well, that's what's funny, though, is he was slumming it in Boston. In Seattle, he's living high on the hog. Yeah, he was in high society with his Fnuti brother. Fnuti? That's a word. Snooty, probably. So, yeah, Jonathan Singlement. Singlement.

Wow. Singlement. Jonathan Silverman was the single guy. There you go. There it is. So this movie, if anyone doesn't remember, Steve, what is this movie about? It's what you call a sitcom movie because it is

a sitcom, like just in... Or a possible cartoon. Or a possible cartoon. Two up-and-coming yuppies living in the city trying to make their way in business. In business. In the insurance game. Very important business. Business.

Business. But it's not anonymous business like You're saying they do work for an insurance company. I know, I know, but it's... It's kind of just business. At least they're saying more than, like, the company. It's actually sort of specified what they do. What's the company's name?

Oh, who cares? Oh, okay. It's the company, capital T, capital C, the company. Much like the CIA. To impress their boss, they find some lost money. The boss is so impressed. He invites them out to the house to the weekend. He is Bernie.

We're going to have a weekend at Bernie's. Uh-oh, when we get there, Bernie is dead. And for reasons that never entirely make sense, we don't call the police and pretend he's alive the entire time. Man, I mean, we have made the joke quite a bit on the storied history of this show. The old Just Call the Police. This is like, no seriously, guys, just call the police. There's no movie here. Just call the police. They address that a bunch of times. But I mean, I would like, I feel like just call the police is not exactly applicable here. I would do something different.

Leave and don't say anything. My new strategy, just leave. Yeah. I think you're totally right. I think honestly, like, there's no real reason for them. I would just be like, do the old backwards walk out of the room? See, the problem is, and I wouldn't necessarily describe them as up and coming. I feel like they are wheels spinning type low-level nobodies in this insurance firm.

because what they did here was they bragged to everybody that Bernie invited them out to this house So unfortunately, just leave doesn't work Because it's like, hey, how was weekend of Bernie's? Oh, it was good. He got tired and we left. Dude, I'm just saying that's some suspicious shit And he's inevitably found dead. No, you know, oh, we were going to go.

Then Richard got diarrhea and oops, we kind of just spent the whole weekend on the can. That's an amazing thing in this movie because all they're doing, the two of them are two little pussy hounds throughout the whole movie, right? Jonathan Silverman has a woman that he's had a crush on who's out there and he's trying to woo her.

A woman, no, no, no, no. This is a young girl. Well, she's like a college girl and he's like just out of college. She's an intern. She's still in school. Yeah. I don't know.

It's not like Terry Kaiser's going after her. Well, hold on it. You say that, but she already knew how to get to his house. She just shows up at that party. Her parents live out there, dude. Same town. I've heard that story before. Are you saying that

John and Silver Moon may or may not be a Jimmy Olson? Is that where we're saying? I'm definitely saying that. I think he's got a type and he goes hard. That girl and Supergirl is supposed to be in high school. I mean, she's like 40. She's like 14, right?

40. Right, right. She's 40, but she's playing 14. Oh, something like that. I mean, they're not driving to that burger King. It's a 1984. Or what are they at in Supergirl? Where are they eaten? Maybe a Roy Rogers? Something disgusting. A Popeye's. Yes. Oh, that's right. It's Poppice Chicken.

So, we start out, it's... John Silverman's the... is the Felix. You know, he's the... He's the good guy. He's the one that wants... He buttons his shirt. He buttons his shirt all the way, all the way up. And John... Whatever. Andrew McCarthy... It's just terrible.

He's Oscar, and he's disgusting in this movie. He's obnoxious. This is an obnoxious character. He gets amped up so much more in the second movie. But here it's obnoxious enough. I don't understand what his motivation is. Like, at some points he just wants to be rich. I think he just wants to be annoying at parties.

Like, that's what I've learned about the characters. He wants to go to parties and be obnoxious. Oh, yeah. Like, he says he has some line about like, you know, my old man worked every day in his life. It's like a Joe Penteliano impression, but it's kind of the same thing. He's like, you know, my old man worked every day of his life. He just got more work out of it or whatever.

I want to be... He's like a get rich quick scheme character. But I don't even understand, like, you would think he's like a, you know, a ladies man. Like, oh, he doesn't get laid in this movie. He barely tries to get laid. Like, he's like a little kid. Yeah. Like, he'll be like, oh, look at the frog in my pocket.

You know, it's like... No, no. It's that, but it's like an adult version of it, though, where it's like, ladies, but he's not doing anything. He doesn't want to do anything about it. So that explains the opening font of Comic Sans. Oh, man. Comic Sans, which I don't think we've seen since Invisible Child. Right, yeah.

But here it is again. Comics, you know what Comic Sans means listeners at home? You see a movie open with Comic Sans. It's the producers telling you, oh, we don't fucking care. I'll lick about this movie. That's what this is. Also a nice hand-in- pencils down critics. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You can stop taking notes. We know it's shit. And we're just putting it out. They're in comic sands for all the world to see. But the thing about Andrew McCarthy, I was going to mention a few minutes back, they are attached at the hip in this movie to the point where, like, we open with Jonathan Silverman, like, waiting for Andrew McCarthy so they can both go to work.

Yeah. And he's mad at him for running a half an hour late, like they're working on a Sunday. And he's like, look, Rich, we're 30 minutes late now. What are we going to do? It's like, go to work, asshole. You're a 30-year-old man. Just get to go upstairs. Stop waiting for your buddy to walk through the door together.

It's so weird, but that's through all of this movie, it's like, I can't do this because he wants to stay. Like, if I'm Jonathan Silverman, I'm like, you know what? I am going to leave. You know, I need a prequel now to find out what this genesis of this relationship was. They bump into each other in college. They got a meat cute. It's kind of like on the Daredevil show,

how they showed like a foggy. and Matt Murdoch meeting in college. Exactly. Same thing. Same exact thing. I'd like that. I'd like to be watching Daredevil right now. I'm fine watching Daredevil right the second.

I would like some Kingpin X, you know, some type of Kingpin figure in this movie. Make the Mafia more of a presence. Yeah. The mafia is a fucking joke in this movie. There's no threat to these characters. The only people that, the only person that's ever threatened is a corpse. I need a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, wascally detective maybe he's on their heels.

Getting them for a murder beef maybe. Some blood simple going on? Yeah, yes. I want this to be directed by the Coen brothers. Weekend at Bernies directed by the Coen brothers. They could pull it off. They have, the Coens do have the chops to pull off Weekend at Bernie's. I think they could, I think they could figure their way around a weekend at Bernie's-esque script.

But it'd be good. Well, actually, the closest you can come is that movie, trouble with Harry, the Alfred Hitchcock movie, where there's just a dead body in a small town. It's like, how did it get there? Who killed him? What's Harry's deal? And it's kind of a comedy. It's not as raucous as the

weekend of Bernie's franchise is. But so the whole thrust of this movie is they find out this deal. So they go to Bernie and they're like, hey, we found out Mr. Lomax that people stole two million dollars from the company on all these phony insurance claims or

whatever. And Terry Kaiser playing the titular Bernie is just doing a very bad job of being like, yes, someone did steal two million dollars from the company. And it's like, you know, yeah, come out to my house, like you said, come out for Labor Day weekend, we'll discuss it out there. And it cuts to him having dinner with the mafia. And it's like, we got to kill those two suckers or whatever. And it's like, why is the mafia involved in this? It's never entirely clear why the mafia is involved in this. I guess they're getting some of that money or. I do, yeah, I don't really get it because, you know, he, Bernie's got an affluent lifestyle.

Sure. And so embezzling money makes sense. But he also has a crippling coke addiction. Yeah. Yeah, there's. So maybe it's with that. Well, because what this movie is doing is, like, really just poking the bear that was 1980s excess. Like, that's why, like, every, like, you know, third-tier character in this movie is just a drunk, rich moron.

everybody's constantly partying. Like, the movie, to be fair to the movie, is trying to say something about that culture, but it's so poorly written and executed. It's not doing anything. The Wolf of Wall Street? Yeah, it's kind of like the Wolf of Wall Street. Sure.

I was thinking, speaking of 1980s excess, I thought this movie was written and directed to pay off Coke debts. Oh, what I mean? You wake up, you wake up after a long weekend, and you're in six grand to somebody, and you're like, oh, crap. Here's a comedy about a dead body.

It's like the snake eating its own tail. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I can just see them. They've got like a safe full of like emergency scripts. Yeah. And it's like, oh my God, this Coke dead is sky high. Open the safe.

Let's make one of them quick. Exactly. The Vig is getting high on this Coke dead. I have a feeling there was probably some not prop cocaine in this movie. Oh, of course. You know, like everybody's just kind of doing a little bump here and there to get them through the shooting schedule that was making weekend at Bernies.

Let's get back to the mafia a little bit because this happens a little bit in the 80s where it's like a joke people like to like mirror the mafia with corporate culture and like now we're a corporation over here. The whole like the idea of going legit. But everyone

this is the mafia that chases Bugs Bunny. This is not the mafia that you know to your point like this is not Martin Scorsese's mafia that's putting people in meet meat freezers. You know what I mean? This is not anything that

resembles humanity. Because like even... It's like less than the Simpsons mafia. Yeah, exactly. Fat Tony would kick the shit out of these guys. Yes, he's a more competent mobster. A cartoon than these dudes are. And also

here's the thing. You're going to have this like this Italian mafia dinner, this whole thing and like here's Terry Kaiser like pleading with these like three guys who are clearly playing Italian men. Sure. They're all eaten like

plates of raw vegetables and whatnot and you're just like come on stupid movie. Where is the pasta? Where's the meatballs? It's the 80s man. You got to keep our bodies clean for the Coke. There's no bread on the table

to speak of. I think they're drinking white wine. What the fuck's going on? Yeah, this is a lame mafia, man. How do you fuck up making the mafia? I think after this mafia kills Bernie a real mafia kills this mafia.

Yeah, I mean, I always kind of wonder, like, I wonder if I could impersonate the mafia. The three of us can go around impersonating the mafia? Oh, without a doubt. Not in New York. No, no, no, no. No, we could go to, like, you know, somewhere in the hills and pretend to be the mafia.

Right. Not Hillbilly Mafia, though. That's a completely different ballgame. Oh, no, no, no. We'd be eaten. Yeah, can't, can't fool those people. If you show up in the Ozarks pretending to be Italian mobsters, we'd be eaten.

Eaton alive. But maybe, I don't know, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, we might get by. Sure, sure. I'd like that. I'd like to see how that played out. I think, you know, obviously, I was going to say if we hate movies isn't, you know, ever be successful. Yeah. And then I realized it won't be.

Well, yeah. That's what you call a pipe dream. Yeah. After that's over with, we do this. Yeah. We do this. Your mafia escape plan. Yeah.

It's called Operation Last Gasp. And yeah, I mean, sure. Sure enough, we might be murdered by hillbillies, but we'll just see how it goes. Hey, you know what guys, roll with it. I always kind of wanted to die with, like, with a big... Pitchfork in your belly. Well, no, a pitchfork in my back. As I'm running away from somebody with, like, money in a suitcase that's kind of fallen out of the suitcase.

Oh, yeah. Oh, dude, you wanted to die being found out to be a true carpet bagger? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, fleeing the town that you just fleeced. Yes, exactly. It's like if the music man was murdered. at the end? Sure. Better movie. I always thought shotgun

to the face. Oh, okay. Oh, that's how you do it. Like Steve Bussemi and Sopranos, man, he fucking goes out with a bang. Then I could always come back as a vengeful headless spirit, you know? That's how that works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure, sure. You die violently. Yeah, you're fine. You know, speaking of the 1980s, by the way,

another thing that this movie totally has, it's something they carried over into the second Gremlin's movie. A couple of other pictures have this The old sexy lady Putting a bestockinged foot In the crotch of a man Yeah I

The footsy thing The 80s loved it dude That's a trope I don't know why that was And like I feel like that sexual maneuver Went out with Clinton Gore for some reason Like I feel like when Once we started here

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow We stopped putting our foot In people's crotches Are you saying it knocked up the BJs then Yeah I think we We started fucking getting serious about totally touch a dicks

Maybe everyone just realized kicking some balls around isn't pleasant No exactly Who is not pleasant anyone A fucking foot in your balls What just what an uncount At a restaurant by the way

Oh I'm gonna mush your balls around Stamp Stamp Stump Well that's a very specific subset of people Sure That enjoy that which is fine

and I'm not throwing stones. And you've got to have stockings on. That's the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. But the movies, the 80s movies, like, that's one, those were my formative years.

I expected this to happen to me at some point. Totally. Going to be in a business meeting at some point and some sexy ladies going to make me all flustered. It's like, come on, we're at the restaurant. The movie told me.

Stupid 1980s. I was promised this. oh man that's what i think you call the friend zone i guess when that doesn't happen right yeah fucking scumbags so this so this this this mafiososos gumar is like starting to do it to bernie and you're like oh oh i see what's going on and the fucking the godfather's not gonna like this the broadest character i've ever seen like in terms of accent and she's like oh hi pointy where are we gonna it's like dude no one in new york has talked like that you're watching guys and dolls

and misinterpreting that which was a fucking musical she's like well this is kind of a cartoon movie so I should play a cartoon too no no oh man yeah but she's doing the boiny yeah

what the fuck why was no one why wasn't fucking Ted Kachef like you know what god damn it I directed fucking first blood stop saying boiny You idiot.

No, he probably said, Start saying Boiny. I want to make this movie as shitty as possible. God damn it. You've been intimate with this man. You've been mushing his nuts around. You're going to call him Boiny, all right? I mean, that's all it is, man.

Action. And then action. So that's one thing. And she's like, oh, he makes something. Basically, the mob boss reveals that he knows that him and his girl are fooling around. He's like, yeah, yeah, Bernie, we'll take care of those two losers for you. Then he's like, hey, Pauley,

who's this character. He's this, he's a dude who looks like the guy who played Father Guido Sarducci. Oh, Don Novello. Yeah, but he's not Don Novello, though. He's like a crazy eyes, Don Novello. It's weird. Yeah, it's like him meets Dom Irera. Oh, yeah.

If Domnevello and Dom Irra had a baby. It's this fucking... I would raise that baby. By the way, this episode of We Hate Movies is for people 50 years old plus. Oh, yeah, totally. If you don't have the same interest in 70-year-old stand-up comedians like we do. Yeah, don't worry. I'm sure the telitubbies is on TV.

Don't you kids remember when these guys were doing sets on the Carson program? So, yeah, it's revealed that, you know, that the doll knows that he hires his hitman to go out. He's like, tomorrow you go out and you kill Bernie. You don't worry about these two wise acre kids. Right. So basically our boys are in the clear. For a second there, I was worried. I was like, oh boy, if they get murdered, no movie. How are we going to get out to Bernie's? We take a while to get to Bernie. We sure do. Oh, we sure do. And let me tell you something. I think like Bernie himself is not a corpse until like 50 minutes into this movie. That's 5-0. Yeah, it's 50 minutes.

It takes forever, yeah. I'm just like, fucking kill this guy. You just, you wanted to be, what the movie needs to be is an open door farce kind of thing. You know what I mean? And he's the prop, you know, and like, people are coming in and leaving him and blah, blah, blah, and then this person comes in.

Which it becomes, but that's an hour into the movie. Yeah. Like, it has to start with, it actually, it has to start with this scene we're talking about right now, with the mafia. Yes. And it's just, we don't need to see them discovering this, you know, insurance flaw or whatever, it's like, I got to get these guys. You use expository dialogue in that dinner scene.

Yeah, of course. You get that shit out of the way in five minutes. Then we've got Jonathan Sillerman's going on a date with this girl. He lives at home. For some reason, again, I don't understand why him and Larry don't live together. Richard and Larry, like, why aren't they just roomies? Well, he refuses to live with Andrew McCarthy because Andrew McCarthy lives in a, air quote, bad neighborhood. Oh, I see.

with roaches all over the floor. Oh, so anywhere. In the five boroughs in 1980s, New York City. Yeah, but, yeah, so that's like, he refuses to move in with him or whatever. So he's living at home. He's kind of embarrassed by that. He doesn't have anywhere to take this girl, you know, when things start moving that way. The girl, by the way, is Catherine Mary Stewart from Night of the Comet, which is an awesome movie.

And the Apple, which is kind of also a campy awesome movie, which will never do an episode, by the way. So stop asking about that one. It's not happening. It's a great Canadian rock musical. Not happening. And the thing is, he's a liar. He's a filthy fucking liar. Oh, Jonathan Silverman's a fucking...

For no reason. He's a scumbag liar in this movie. Terrible. And it's like played for cutcies. Oh, yeah. He walks up to her when they first meet. He's like, oh, I don't know what to say. Oh, my aunt is ill.

And that's a joke, by the way. Yeah, that's a joke. We're just pausing while she's like, uh-huh. You want to talk about Ted Bundy, man. Why don't he start walking out with an arm cast? Be like, oh, I'm so sick and helpless. Help me out. You help me get this couch into the car, please.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, you're a real help. This movie should end with Richard wearing her as a hat. Just like a carved out scalp and eyes hanging down. We get her going out to the Hampton. She's listening to American girls. Much better movie of this turned into silence, man. But he's such a fucking creep because, yeah, he's, and like, and he's a bad liar and it makes her an idiot because she believes him half the time.

Well, that's the thing. The way this character lies is someone says, I thought you said X. And he goes, I did? Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's being called. Like, the person is clearly thinking of something while just letting sound fall out of their face hole. This is another thing with movies where there's always like, like, the guy character sees. He's a girl, and he's like, I want that forever. Yep. I want that forever. I want her to mash my nuts. I was promised this.

Look. You're not going to get your nuts. You're not going to get your nuts mashed. You're not boiny, all right? But it's this idea that like, she's the one for me forever. Yep. Lock on, man. You don't know this chick from fucking Frank, man.

Yeah, talk to her if it's awkward or she's stupid. or something, get another one. Keep on going. Yes, exactly. Move on. She's the one from across the room. I know that somehow. You fucking moron character.

Obsess about her. And obsess about her. Follow her out to long... Well, it's going to seem like that, right? Lie and lie and lie. And he brings it to his house. Invent yourself. And he's like, oh, my parents are dead.

And she's like, oh, my God. She kisses him because he, like, reveals this thing. He was like, oh, my parents died, and then, you know, a plane fell on a train. And it's like, what the fly it? Ooh, ooh, lady. It's so, and she's just like fucking eating it up, man. She's eating it up like a hot sandwich. She's ready to mash his nuts.

Totally. She's getting ready to get that foot in there at the restaurant. And then, yeah, the father walks in cameo by director Ted Kochf and his fucking skivies. Can I just say I don't like when the IMDB trivia gets a little poppy. with the language. Oh, what are you talking about? Well, it's just like... They're using some sort of racist slur. Oh, are we talking about the nutmash?

No, I'm not talking about... Hey, stop bashing the nutmashen. I'm tabling nut mashing for a second, if I can. All right. Under the table. When IMDB trivia, when they like try and make it a little flowery language, just tell me what the trivia is and let's get out of here. Oh, sure. Because this one's like, oh, you know in the scene

when Jonathan Silverman's got the girl on the couch and then the guy who says whose his father comes in well that's flower really like well it's getting there and I'm fucking making it up but it's it's and

that person was played by none other than the director Ted Koch himself isn't that cute yeah isn't that fucking cute none other way to go you're a regular Dickens trivia writing idiot

fucking none other like you're making a big reveal about something. Exactly. There doesn't need to be an act structure in your trivia bites. Was that trivia bit written in iambic pantameter, you fucking wordsmith? Just tell me it's the director in his fucking fat guy underwear. Exactly. That would be great if it said it is fat guy underwear. And so she's clearly, they're making out and she's freaking out. She's like, Richard, there's a man in your house and he's fucking naked by. the way and he's like oh that's uh that guy uh he's my uh a butler yeah and he gets

all john lovitz yeah yeah that's the ticket butler and she's like oh that's cool it keeps making out of them and then like he says like oh lay my blue suit out for tomorrow yeah and he's like i'll lay you out tomorrow and what's amazing is and this is what i hate when when a protagonist in a shitty comedy makes things that are done worse is when, because like, the dude comes out and the dad sees what's going on and he's like, all right, my boy's got a girl

in the house. And he's like, oh, sorry, didn't know you had anyone home. Well, just let it go. And then that's when he fucking snaps his fingers and he's like, put my fucking suit out. And yeah, he's like, I'll lay you out. Fucking scumbag kid. And she's

like, you let your butler talk to you like that. And then she, Then she storms out. Of all the bullshit, then she storms out. His response to that got a legitimate laugh out of me. He said that he was a war veteran with a plate in his head. I just like plates and heads. Sure, it's fun.

Yeah. We finally get to goddamn Bernie's. You know, fucking finally. We're at Bernie's Beach House. And Bernie is like, you know, getting all ready. He's writing a suicide note for these kids. Oh, yeah. In a suitcase with a bunch of money.

And Pauley calls him. He's like, hey, Bernie, I'm on the island. And he's like, oh, which they call it, the 80s, they call it Hamptons. Yeah. They don't call it The Hamptons? Yeah, so that's weird. Nobody says that.

Also, they do take a ferry at one point, so I'm like, is this like Bernie's Secret Island and International Waters just off the coast? Well, it's like it's a community out there. I didn't know if it was something like Shelter Island, you know, that kind of thing. Because they do take a ferry to it. You're right.

And also, when they get on that ferry, they leave New York City and pop into North Carolina. where we're filming the rest of this movie. Oh, okay. Yeah, this is not the Hamptons at all. It's one fan boat away from being a swamp town. Why couldn't you just, I mean, I guess filming in the Hamptons is very cost prohibitive. Because the real Bernies were like, you get the fuck out of here.

You get the fuck out of here. A late 80s Bernie Madoff was like, get the fuck out of here. Oh, weekend at Bernie's. It's a documentary about him in prison getting, you know. Hang himself. Yeah, please God. Mush. No, he did. No, his son killed himself. Oh, I'm sorry. I got it all mixed out.

Good, those fucking crooks. Bernie Madoff Sr. is... He's still alive? He's still alive. Yeah. Yeah, he's still alive. The son committed suicide in jail like Bernie Madoff should do. But my weekend at Bernie... I didn't know he had a son. Yeah. The son was in on it.

Oh, really? It's a whole fucking family of scumbags. Let's go through the case right now. Yeah, dude. Now we're turning to serial. We hit movies presents serial. The Bernie Madoff investigation. So they took that fucking money. It's where jazzing up cereal. Yeah, we're not as prepared as Sarah Koenig as we don't have...

No, not whatsoever. We're going to fill in the gaps, though. Don't worry. Yeah, yeah, we'll spackle it. We are going to go check out a best-by parking lot, though. Don't worry about it. No, my weekend at Bernie's is me hanging out with Bernie Sanders in Vermont, because you know that's a fucking good time.

Well, that's the thing is, I mean, really that's what every political... I'm sure there's been at least three articles written about Bernie Sanders said Weekend at Bernie says, been at least four articles about Bernie Bernie Madoff, Weekend at Bernie's, different points of view, different, you know, whatever he did on a weekend or whatever. Bernie Madoff is the one that's closer to

Bernie, uh, Bernie Lomax. Bernie Lomax, yeah. But you can still do Weekend at Bernie. Sure. Like, oh, you know, if Bernie Sanders polls really well one weekend, weekend at Bernys. Yep. Oh, absolutely. It's, this movie series is the gift that keeps on giving. It is.

For two people. So, uh, Bernie gets murdered by this guy in a Michael Clayton-esqueway where he just gets... It's corporate murder, man. Yeah. It's brilliant. He gets injected in the butt. With a big old Russia heroin.

Right. Is that what it is now? Yeah, big old heroin, because they leave the baggie... I thought there was a bag of Coke to, like, simulate a heart attack or whatever. Like, it was like an injection. Oh, which I think heroin might do too. Sure. I mean, his heart dose on anything if you wanted to... Yeah, see, that's the thing is...

It's not marijuana. He got injected with marijuana. No, Steve said you can Odean anything if you wanted to, and I said not marijuana. Well, here's the thing. His heart explodes. Yeah. Because he's got a baggie of coke or drugs or whatever. Right.

I'm with you so far. Just leave. Yep. I mean, it explains itself. No one's going to be like, hey, two people were supposed to be at this house. There's 50,000 people in this house. It's the 80s. You know how many fucking.

Drug overdoses were called in and not called in. Shit, I think I'd drug overdosed in the 80s. It's Labor Day weekend in 1989. Oh, yeah. Lots of people are dying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what, that brings up a good point to talk about the police department on this, quote, Hampton's Island.

Because one guy, apparently. It's one guy. And that guy is a real party dude. Of course he is. Because when they finally get around to calling 911, the woman working the dispatch is like, oh, you mean? They're like, get me. the police and she's like oh you mean harry oh he's probably out there somewhere party and like she's drunk too and it's like no if anything there's a big police department you're ready to get

all the drunk driving all the drug overdoses all the definite drunk fighting that's happening all the drowning in the ocean you're dealing with there's EMTs there's fire departments everywhere ready for this you want to get stabbed in the neck you go to a party on the hamptons a Labor Day weekend. Sure. You say the wrong thing to the wrong asshole. You wear the wrong Mets hat. You're fucked. Oh, totally. You quote the wrong stock price. You're done, man. Done so.

You'll talk about mashing nuts. They'll mash your face. Yeah. They'll put your nuts in your face. I was going to say they'll fucking feed your nuts right to your face. Oh, they'll definitely do that. The guy is like a master of disguise. He dresses up like a priest afterwards. Like Father Guido Sardis? She is a matter of fact. And he moses away, which is also stupid because, like, if anyone...

Let me be noticeable. Yes, exactly. If anyone noticed you enter that house and then you leave dressed as a priest, they're like, well, that guy's clearly up to no good. And if you're looking at security footage of the ferry, it's like, well, that priest didn't get off a boat to come on the island. It's clearly somebody else. Whoa, it's a wear priest. Oh, yeah, full moon out here on Hampton Island.

Not aware priests in the neighborhood. I was bitten by a radioactive priest. Liking Catholicism. Oh, yeah. Got bit by a radioactive priest he did. Started believing in all sorts of commandments. Call him the altar boy. So enter our two heroes.

Sure. And to Eric's point, yes. You come in. And they're like, and you know, it's got to be Andrew McCarthy running this fat fucking mouth for nine minutes about. He's kind of jimbleushiing, taking care of businessing this place a little bit. Let me put it to you this way. The lightest way you could say this is he's making himself at home. Yes.

Because you know what? He's being downright rude. Yeah. He's walking around. He's opening bottles of champagne, which he's drinking out of. Yes. I was on board with that. Oh, I would do it.

Yeah. I'm just saying, you know. to a decent person. This guy's being real piggish about the whole thing. And I have done it. That's the other thing. It takes him a very long time to realize that he's dead, but not too long. And then they're like, Jonathan Silman figures out.

He's like, oh, my God. You know, Larry, he's dead. Yeah. What are we going to do? And then, like, Larry's all pissed up. My weekend's ruined. I mean, like, really? It's just a weekend.

I don't know. Like, it's not like you were going. Bernie was going to give you this house. Totally. Well, you never know. It's actually. Yeah, to your point, maybe it's in the will. It's almost worse because here you are, you are going to have a fabulous time in the Hamptons on Labor Day weekend.

With your boss, by the way. Yeah, that sucks. But, I mean, you know, it's a big, there's the roaming parties. Listen, you're probably going to get blown. You might get laid. You're going to do a lot of coke. You're going to get drunk. You're going to get to go swimming.

They get so excited about the same time. It's entirely possible. They're all excited. There's a swimming pool. I mean, New York City, man, you don't see a. swimming pool. Unless you're going to the why. Who's doing that? No, that's just toilet

water. No, although actually our public pool system is pretty good. Used to go to the one in Astoria quite a bit. Anyway, point is, they're going to have this great time, but then it's over with and it's back to their miserable life. Wouldn't you just want to continue the miserable existence

and not have this moment of greatness? No, I'd have the moment of greatness. The 72 hours of pleasure, and then your boss is back to not being your friend again? I mean, honestly, or just get a hotel or whatever, you know what I mean? I'm kind of, I'm almost in on this plan. I'm almost in with these guys going. You would continue the ridiculousness that happens in this movie?

I didn't know the fellow that well. And he's my boss. He's probably a jerk, you know? So just let him. I mean, he's still going to be dead. He's still going to be dead tomorrow, Steve. I'm siding with Lair here. Well, here's the problem.

Lair and Eric. Time of death actually exists. Excuse me? Like time of death. If their plan is like, oh, or Larry's plan is like, oh, we'll have fun. And then tomorrow we'll call it in or in an hour we'll call it it. But like eventually some somebody could do an autopsy, you know, grandma Lomax is going to be like, oh, my boy, what they do to him? You know what I mean?

She's going to want an autopsy. You sat my Bernie in there? Yeah. There's somebody shedding tears for Bernie Lomax. I guarantee you. What is the time of death matter? Because then it's like two days later, it's like, well, these fucking assholes were partying with this dead guy.

Yes. And that are on the cover of the New York Post as the world's biggest creep. Here's how I would do it. If I did it, this is how I would do it. By O.J. Simpson, Siska. Okay. I discover him dead, but I still want that 72-hour party life. Sure, of course.

I leave him on the couch where he was I don't touch him I don't deal with the dead body I go to the beach I come back for the party let some other Bozo find his corpse and it's on them then

You're correct because you're existing in a real world wherein anyone that saw a dead body would be like oh that's a dead body that doesn't look like a person That's the other thing Steve You said they realized kind of quickly that he's dead

No, they don't. They are talking to this corpse for 10 minutes. They move them. The second you touch a dead body, you're like, uh-huh. You know what I mean? You get that. It's more of this like how wild was the 80s that they just assume that he's just fucked up. Wow, Bernie got an early start.

He's so wasted. And that's what everyone thinks. Everyone. There's like, there's a hundred people that come through this house. They all talk to him like the fucking godfather on the day of his daughter's wedding. And just the fact that this Larry guy has curled up on the couch with him putting his dead arm around him

I would not do that All of these other people All the stories when they come out They're like oh but that Larry guy was always talking to him I remember he was walking around He's making jokes with him Yeah exactly to your point Eric Be at the other side of the party

Yeah I don't know when this fucking hippie died I'm not I'm not even gonna look at him I agree It's like oh how do you know Bernie Oh geez he's my boss but he invited me here I'm keeping my distance I haven't seen him yet.

Is he around here somewhere? I keep meaning to check in with the old guy. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah, you've got to plant your story. Yeah, I agree with you, Eric. Right, yeah. We can do this, guys. We can do this.

We need to be in a weekend in Bernie situation, which is very rare. I know. We'll just have to find who's old in the Hamptons, I guess. A lot of people. We'll just wander around. Let's do that this summer. Hey, you're dead in there or what? Is your name Bernie?

It would be better if it was. It would be a lot more fun if your name was Bernie. You know, it's not a B&E if they're sliding doors open. Yeah, that's true. It's just an E. Yeah, I was just... You're just eating at that point. I'm just going to go...

It's a quick E. Going to say hi to Bernie and leave. Oh, no, I'm not going to touch any ecstasy. Not a lot of that in this movie, because it's 1989. It wasn't invented in a laboratory yet. You know what's a thing that I was thinking watching this movie? Andrew McCarthy was doing Matthew Perry before Matthew Perry was doing Andrew McCarthy. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like he invented it. Matthew Perry saw like a lot of Brat Pack movies and a specifically weekend at Bernie's one and was like, that's Chandler. That's my Chandler. That's what I'm going to do. That's my acting persona from here on out is modeled after 80s sensation Andrew McCarthy. thing. Wow, this movie's got a lot of blame then.

I didn't look at the career. Did this destroy Andrew McCarthy's career? Was it kind of done at that point or like I mean, those rap back brapack movies didn't go into the 90s. He was always kind of like a fake intense actor, right? Like he was like, he's in some thrillers

and stuff. Yeah. Nothing amazing. But like, you know, like Pretty and Pink is not a comedy, right? Parts of it are a comedy. Yeah. That's supposed to be like one of your little like dramatic comedy kind of of a thing. He's the guy from Manikin, that's for sure. Oh, that is for sure.

But he's not in Manikin 2 on the move? No, he's not. That's Herman from Herman's head. Terry Kaiser is in Manichin 2 on the move. Oh, is he? He is. Oh, shit. I think they exchanged Manikin set stories at any point.

Do you think these three actors still talk to each other? No. Well, I was thinking about this. I mean, I think that there's probably some sort of a bidding war between Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon and maybe, like, Trevor Noah's going to get on it? Like, who can break the weekend at Bernie's reunion? You know, get Terry Kaiser, get Andrew McCarthy, get Jonathan Silverman, all in the old outfits, right? They come out on it.

You know what? The audience goes nuts about it, right? Here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say. That stinks of Fallon. It does. Because Kimmel got the back to the future one, and that's awesome. Fallon does fucking saved by the Bell reunion.

You know what I mean? Yeah. That's where the weekend at Bernie's reunion would be. Something nobody asked for on the Jimmy Fallon show. Hey, this will make a great YouTube clip. Man, it would suck for like 80-year-old Terry Kaiser, like to still play that dead body. He's not allowed to talk on the Jimmy Fallon show. Oh, God, they just get the fucking John Lennon sunglasses and put him on.

Oh, my God. That is humiliating. So they can explain like his aging as like, oh, Bernie, you're rotting. That's why you look older. Dude, let me tell you, in my, in my whenever it was, like late 90s obsession with taped off the TV weekend at Bernie's 2. In the early days of the internet, me going through like nerd sites, like movie sites and whatnot, a lot of talk about a third script floating around. Oh, wow. are you shitting me

no i'm not i it was never leaked i've never read one i don't think there's any fan scripts like freddie versus jason but there was talk of a third weekend at bernie's movie pile that under who could possibly care you know what that kind of reminds me of other weird things on the internet poking around of things no one could care about i think i saw a youtube video of like people visiting the old hey dude ranch that's like still standing in the desert somewhere. Are you kidding me? Is the skeleton of Mr. Ernst there? I think it is. There was the rumor that the guy who played Danny was dead. I probably is. The skeleton of American standards was in that video.

Well, that would be a fun weekend at Bernie's. But to get back to Bernie, I mean, like, yeah. First of all, Terry Kaiser was cast most likely because of his slight stature, right? Probably. So he was kind of like just a soap opera actor, so with a Friday the 13th sequel under his belt at this point. You weren't going to, you're not going to get like Tom Selleck. You're not going to get John Goodman as Bernie, right? Because that's going to weigh your movie down. That's going to weigh everything down. That's unbelievable.

You can't have little string beans moving him around. That's a one-act play set in one setting. It's a one-scenes. It's a one-part web series. It's like, oh, Richard, oh my God, it's going crazy. Bernie's dead. Let's, oh, God, Richard, call the hospital. What this movie starts off doing okay and then completely throws in the toilet is the idea of how hard it is to lug a human being around.

You ever try to lift up your friends or like carry someone who's drunk home or something? Oh, it's impossible. It's so impossible. And the movie starts out and they're doing it and it's like, oh, Jesus, this is impossible. they get to a point in this movie where they have their legs tied around his legs with shoelaces and they're running with him no fucking way is that happening supernatural I've tried to move bodies

it is tough stuff I couldn't get it off the floor you would need Terry Kaiser to play Bernie you get out of that pickle I guess it's a question time yeah time heals all wounds you would need if Terry Kaiser is Bernie you would need Richard and Larry to be played by fucking Batista and John Sina to just lug this

fucking corpse around for an entire weekend. I could go for a raucous rassling comedy. Oh yeah, dude. A couple of wrestlers in the weekend of Bernie's remake. Oh shit. Bernie played by Vince McMahon. That is perfect.

Oh shit. Weekend at Vince. If there's anyone I want to... Come on up. We'll talk about your characters. I got the rest of the year plan. Me and Steve Austin are going to go to a cabin on Cape Cod and write the script for Weekend at Vincers. If I could see Vince McMahon's lifeless body chucked off porches for an hour and a half.

I'm happy. Oh, absolutely. Cameo by Stone Cold Steve Austin accidentally pours a picture of beer on him. Yeah. Oh, this thing writes itself. Austin, you're fired.

It's one of a few. the greatest things ever captured by a microphone is that soundbite. Oh, man. And there could be a subplot in the movie about how dead Bernie's wife has a ridiculously hilarious, pathetic, failed political career that she lost millions of dollars. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's Vince is stealing money from the mafia to pay off that failed political campaign. And that failed wrestling network.

I don't know. Is that doing it right? No, that thing's an unstoppable hog beast entertainment machine. Oh, no. They're doing just fine. Oh, geez. Bet you wish you invented professional wrestling. I can't rub two pennies together, man. So Gwen shows up.

She's like, oh, my God, I wanted to say hi to Bernie. And everyone's like, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, do leave Bernie alone because Bernie's, I was sleeping and Bernie, but, you're me. And here's the hoarship thing about that. What she's saying is, I want to thank him for the summer internship. Here's a tip, Gwen. Bernie doesn't know who you are. Bernie's been drinking since noon, first and foremost. But she's acting like Bernie Lomax himself granted this summer internship.

What are you fucking crazy? We between the lines, man. I was saying it earlier. They know each other. she's a girl from the neighborhood in his summer party orgy palace I don't I was thinking it was a little more innocent like he plays golf with her father and he's like oh could you get my daughter an internship kind of a deal you know the thing about that they'll write a fucking line of dialogue well maybe if you want to write a movie I mean

I mean change everything around you're deciding to write a movie and not the script to weekend at Bernie so in our remake would this be like China no it would still be Catherine Mary Stewart or Stephanie McMahon. Oh, can the bumbling, can the bumbling hitman be Jim Ross? Yes. Yep.

I thought I killed the Vince last week. Oh, God, damn. By God, it looks like he's risen from the grave. He fell off that. He fell off that balcony. He's broken at half. Oh.

Does him pretending to be a priest for five seconds would be hilarious. Well, that actually kind of works because Jim Ross always thinks everybody's dead. Anytime somebody gets a stone cult, say, oh, get the body bags, he can't get up from that. You know what, forego the hospital? Just send him right to the more because he's clearly deceased. By God, he's dead.

He stumped his toe king. He's clearly dead. Oh, you can't. A pile driver on top of three days. Oh, no, you get the dirt. Just pour the dirt right out of his face. No funeral. Don't even call his mother.

Clear out this arena right now. Can get everyone out of the building? This is officially a mausoleum because he's dead. He overreacts. Yeah, he did it a little bit in his later days. But so Gwen's like, oh, you know, I want to meet Bernie, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Jonathan Silverman's like, hey, let's go out for a nice walk. And she's like, why you're a fucking line sociopathic scumbag.

Yeah, and he bats his pretty brown eyes and goes, oh, I'm sorry. And she's like, that's adorable. You're forgiven. Let's go to this lighthouse alone where you definitely couldn't murder me and get away with it. And then he like falls down or something. Well, he looks into the light of the lighthouse. Right. And then he falls down.

This lighthouse kind of reminds me of at the end of Batman. Oh, dude, yeah, I was going to say the bell tower and the church. he falls stories down the stairs I mean it is a tumble man he goes down oh no he fell down the lighthouse

Jonathan Silverman is dead somebody called Mama Silverman she's gonna be crying all night Weekend at Silverman Well that's that was that was my other thing about this being is it would be great If he dies, and then she has to weaken at Bernie's him.

Yes. Like Larry's weekend at Bernie's. Weekends are beginning weekends. Burdies are beginning Bernie. And that's the other thing that they don't do in that sequel. You need two bodies. Yeah, you do. You need a second body.

And ideally one of them dies, and ideally that is Andrew McCarthy's character. Yes. To just save my fucking eardrums and patience. Well, that's the thing is no one would believe he was alive because he wasn't running his motor mouth. And also... Yeah, you're right. He's awfully quiet.

He's clearly a zombie. Richard could pass for a corpse easy. Sure, yeah. Nobody knows him. The thing about that lighthouse, by the way, who's just leaving a lighthouse unlocked? Well, they say it's like, oh, they don't, you know, they don't man lighthouses anymore.

It's the 80s, Jonathan. You know, don't worry. It's all computers, kid. Walk into a fucking lighthouse and go up top. You'd think it'd be. or something. That's Suicide Central. Exactly.

It's most definitely suicide central. Especially in the Hamptons, all these stockbrokers getting caught with all sorts of Wolf of Wall Street schemes. Oh, yeah, man. You know, jacking it at parties. It would become a saying like, oh, he's going to go up to the lighthouse. They started looking through his files, so he's going to go up to the lighthouse. Oh, Sanderson, this isn't looking good.

I'll meet you at the lighthouse. My God, it's a massacre at the lighthouse. House tonight, King. It's a lighthouse match. First man to kill himself with. There is literally a whole town falling down the stairs. I would like to see that.

Just a bunch of lemmings killing themselves off a light ass. Yeah. And they're all just shitty Wall Street stockbrokers. I would love it. He's about to make it with her because she's stupid. And she's like, oh, he's like, yeah, I lied because you're so beautiful or something. nonsense. Yeah, that's, you know what? That sounds about right. I lied because you're

pretty. And she's like, oh, that's, that'll work. And you know what gets you ready for some fucking making out on the beach in the wet, cold sand in the middle of the night? Thanks, but no thanks. I won't bring you there. Not to mention, you're tangentially attached to a murder beef at this point. Try and get hard in that scenario, gentlemen. Come on. dudes. Dudes. It's the The thrill. Yeah, I guess so. You know, you're riding high on all this murder adrenaline.

Oh, that's true. He's probably been hard the whole afternoon. Oh, yeah, Rigamortis is set in. So we'll get to it. That doesn't even exist in this movie. So, uh, there. Yeah, well, it exists for one part of the body.

Yeah. But we'll get to it. So, um, they're making out. And then Bernie, like, because they left him alone and a bunch of comical misunderstandings happened. Oh, he fell out of a something and slid down another thing. washes up on the shore next to them and then Jonathan Silberman has to

go homina homina which I mean that is to stop you for a second that is a legitimately horrific image like can you imagine being on the beach making out a fucking corpse just like hello this is turning into like an Edgar Allan Poetail you know what I mean like you can't

get rid of this body yeah exactly you can't get rid of this body the beating of the Bernie you thought you had you know you put him in one spot You'll go, that's him for the rest of the day. And, like, oh, I'll just fuck this lady on a beach. And he washes up. That's fucking chilling shit.

I think it's like that new movie that's coming out the boy about like that doll boy who like starts moving around. I don't like the idea of that at all. I don't want to hear about it. It's, uh, well, I'm going to tell you about it. Tell me about it. It's that, what's her name, Lauren Cohen from Walking Dead? Okay. I think that might be her name.

She plays this woman who goes to be like a daycare person or a nanny or whatever. And she gets to the house and it's like. like, oh, yeah, this is this person, this person, and, you know, here's our son, whoever. And it's a fucking dummy. And she's like, yeah, okay, that's the ha, ha, ha, ha. And they're like, invisible child. Yeah. Kind of just with a puppet.

And they're like, here's all the rules. Like, and he kind of has gremlin rules. It's like, make sure you feed him. Don't leave him alone in the room. Don't do this. Don't do this. Is this thing walking around? And she starts saying she's like, yeah, fuck this.

And the parents, like, I don't know if they go on vacation or whatever it is. I haven't seen it yet. But they leave. And she's like, oh, whatever. It's a sweet gig. I get to, like, sit around and just eat and... With this terrifying doll baby around. But then so she opens a door and the dummies not sitting in the chair.

So then she does a thing where she, like, sits it on the floor and she does an out, like a chalk outline. And she tells this other dude, she's like, now watch this. And she closes the door and opens it again. The fucking dummies gone from the chalk circle. Getting pretty scary. It's called The Boy. I can't wait. Jesus.

I get a wood chipper for that. Tots it right in, dude, yeah. Anyway, back to Bernie. He's like, oh, you know, that just killed my erection. I got to get this corpse under control. I got to call, you know, finally I'm going to call the police at this point. Sure, why not? It's been long enough.

I would just leave that fuck around the beach. I don't know what those Colombians did to him. I don't know. Bernie, he got high out of his mind on Coke. He went out for a night swim. You know what you don't do at night? Swim in the ocean. Yeah, when you're so hopped up on Coke.

Everybody saw him at that party having a great time. He was clearly alive then. And the thing about it is you implement Gwen here, too. You're like, Gwen, look at that. It's our boss. Oh, my God. Is he breathing? And you start doing some fake CPR, yeah.

Because, listen, you're not terrified to start putting your mouth on a corpse because you've been touching this thing all day. You are comfortable with this. You've been warmed up. Exactly. You've been putting his arm around your shoulders like a real fucking weirdo the whole day. So for whatever reason, he takes her whole. He's like, oh, you know, I know you want to have sex now, but you deserve romance and flowers and blah, blah, blah.

He also does this creepy thing, which, by the way, you should never ever do, is if you're, you know, you've been mythologizing this person because you're a real creep, right? You finally get this lady to Alder yourself. You don't look or straighten the eyes and be like, I've been in love with you for this since the first moment we met. Oh, man. Now we're not going to casually have sex. This is just going to be a real moment in the rest of our lives. Now we're going to make love. Yeah, no.

Ew. What do you think our kids will look like? Let's find out. She's like, um, we're on the beach and I'm just having a good time here, man. Her reaction is perfect because she's like, I am DTF. And what in the ever-loving shit are you talking about? Exactly. And she's like, okay, I guess we won't have sex now, weird guy.

You could just discover Bernie afterward. Oh, no, dude, try keeping it up with a corpse looking at you. guaranteed it's not happening. It's happened. So he brings him back to the house, brings Bernie back to the house, and he wakes up Andrew McCarthy. And I guess he's having sex,

but you don't really see what he's having sex with, to be quite honest with you. And so now comes in a bit of nerdery that I know about this. And is this true? You told me this before we went on the air. Is this true? Well, this is from our good friends

at the internet movie database. in the alternate version section. Apparently what this is, the version of this movie you watch now, the home video version, was edited. It cuts out 10 seconds where you see Andrew McCarthy in bed with a woman. And why they did this was because in the sequel,

there's a line where, oh, man, I mean, we'll talk about it more next week. But Jonathan Silverman gets a curse put on him. Sure. And he's going to die. And the only thing they can save him is if they cast this spell, making this elixir or whatever using the blood of a virgin

and the gag is because the whole second movie Andrew McCarthy's talking about I fuck this chick I fuck that chick blah blah blah he sticks his finger out like take my blood and that's the joke but to prevent this continuity error in Weekend at Bernie's 2 they retcon the fucking movie for home video so I guess the only time you can see the original cuts if you find an uncut 35 millimeter theatrical release of Weekend at Bernie's We got to find.

We got to find it. I got to track it down, man. But yeah, that's the thing. That's a thing. That's my other question about this movie is why are there no boobs in this movie? Not that I'm not that I'm a boob hound, but this is a boobie. This is like a boob comedy. It should be kind of a boob comedy.

It is written for a boob comedy. I don't remember the answer about the nudity, but they did alter a bunch of the language to take out profanity. What thing? Ever. Whatever, indeed, because you're right, this does need to be a boob comedy. and also don't I lost where I was going with it but yeah it's it should be more than

it is oh that's what I was going to say the ADR in this movie oh it's ridiculous it's rotten it's rotten people are just talking with their mouths closed in this movie they didn't I don't think they filmed with sounds I know what is it was do you think it was an Italian co-production I think so

they ran no audio MOS man MOS the whole thing we'll fill it in later oh sure This is a family comedy. You know what's what I love in my family comedy is what I want to take my children to see? Necrophilia. Oh, absolutely.

Hey, kids gather around. This is what this is what the word necrophilia. Now you see that corpse is having sex. Talk about the birds and the dead bees. So like everyone's had their, everyone's had. Guys, what happened to the bees? They're all dead. They're all dying.

We're still getting laid. We're about to call the cops. We're about to end the movie as we try to do a couple of times. End it, end it! And just then, the mall comes in. And she's like, Boyd are you pieces of shit? You left me on the island. And she's like, whoa, whoa, lady, what movie are you in?

She's like, don't worry about that. I've been lost in Yonkers for a few scenes. Oh, God, kill me. So she pulls a knife on there. Tell me where Boyne is. They're like, well, lady, he's upstairs. Cheers. Janice Rossi!

You have a whole living in this building. To R. Rossi! Get your own goddamn man! I will do that without provocation. Mercy. And so she goes up there and they're both like, oh, well, that's it. She's going to discover the body. Right.

Which is kind of, you know, that's their plan. It's like, now it's her, they're doing the Eric Cisco method. They're like, you know, wiping their hands. Make somebody else do it. Exactly. Well, now she's going to call him because she knows who he is, blah, blah. And they're waiting. And they're waiting.

And they're like, uh-oh, she's having sex with a dead corpse. Yeah. Because she comes out smoking a cigarette. We all know what that means. She's like singing a tune. She's like, like, like, dookit dokey-de-de-de-de-de. Like just dancing all over this house. She loved it.

She loved it. Oh, she loved it. And it's like, you know the one thing I thought actually? I was like, did you steal that Kevin Smith? Yeah, it's kind of the end of clerks, yeah. Yeah. But it's also like... Probably.

Again, I feel like you're talking about, like, the problem with Bernie in this movie is he's also limp and movable and all that stuff. Like, his arm should pop out of the socket at some point, right? Sure. Like, he'll be out of the ham bone. Oh, right. It's like, this is an indestructible human corpse. I mean, there's parts later where he's getting.

and dinged all over the place and like he should be torn asunder in this movie and it's just like a stretch Armstrong they'd be great like towards the end like Laird just like puts Bernie's arm over his shoulder and it's a bloody skeleton they're still trying to pull it off

yeah they're trying to pull it off everything else has been shredded away and then it's like that's when they're on like every newspaper and they're put away for life like it's Menendez times 10 Man, you know who needed to direct to this movie?

Jonathan Landis. You'll get some cool effects going. Sure. And real corpses? Is that what you're getting there? No, no, I'm saying like... Confirmed murderer, John Landis. He's the master of horror comedy, Eric.

All right. I would say so. I personally don't find that all that funny. No, no. I know. I like some of his movies, despite the crimes. But so then off in the distance is the mafia is looking in. And he's like, hey, boss, you know, whatever.

Louis fucked up. Lomax is still alive. He's like, oh, how do you know? Notice it's the same voice I'm doing for two people. Because that's what these actors are doing. And he's basically like, I just watched him have sex worth with a girl for a half an hour. By the way, it's your wife. That makes you mad at all.

Also, like, I don't know, man. Why are you sleeping with the Don's wife, you know? or mistress or what have you. Yeah, that's like Mafia 101, man. Bernie, you can get anything you want. Like, what is it? You're Terry Kaiser. You got Terry Kaiser's body.

Oh, man, I wish that Terry Kaiser's body. What is it on a... Yes, I would trade for Terry Kaiser's body. Oh, sure. That mustache alone. You know what? You got to have a certain look to pull off a mustache like that. Absolutely.

You need a narrow pencil head. Oh, it's beautiful. But here's a question. Sure. It's going to get really gross right now. Hey, what the hell? How does this woman not know that this guy's dead? Like, is she putting a condom on?

Like, you know, I don't think so. No. So then there you go. How do you know that everything? Oh, he was, he's just, he's too drunk to finish or something, but she got to go. But also, like, he was just flip, flapping in the ocean for who knows how long. There's shrinkage. Corpse shrinking. No, the rig.

See, it's the rigumming. mortis of one specific area. Yeah. I don't know why. It just is there. It's like it's the end of the creep show and like they're, it's the Ted Dancin is that sea corpse. Oh yeah. That's what she's fucking right now.

She's fucking Ted dancing and group show and it's disgusting. There's a starfish on the side of his head. She's like oh my God. But you know what they don't do though? Unless I'm remembering wrong. I don't think she has any like and he was fantastic. No, she does say. Oh, does she say

of like oh good as ever better than that she does comment favorably on the performance Mr. Lomax is a real lame fuck then if that's the idea. I guess so I mean it's disgusting it's a disgusting image

and I don't want to think about it well then it just becomes Jonathan Silverman's like drunk and it's like we're going to call the police I'm going to take a nap and it's the next day and it's like we're just going to continue putting off calling the police

to keep the party going. Yeah, and like Anthony McCarthy's playing Monopoly with Bernie, which makes him a crazy person at this point. Oh, yeah. The idea, like, it's supposed to be

cute and funny because there's a camera on him, but like, in a real world scenario, this guy's lost it. He's talking to him. He's like, oh, Ventnor Avenue, sorry, O'Burn, that's going to cost you. I got a hotel on there,

and you're just like, dude, you're fucking crazy. He's getting him drinks. I know. He's nuts. comes out with two dachrys once for him one's for bernie and again to your point eric distance yourself

you know what if you know it is the guy played fucking monopoly with the dead you know you want to lay him on the sun chair after all that fine but then walk away i mean this is when they should be leaving you know leave early but instead Bernie was sleeping when we got up we just left oh there's so many chances to just pretend like this dude died in his sleep yes so what then keeps them here even

ever loving longer is they hear Bernie's answering machine tape which has recorded part of a phone call with the mafia where basically he says you're coming out here to kill these two schmarks I got the suicide note ready they find the suicide note and Bernie has cleverly written

this suicide note to just be the plot of dog day afternoon which is kind of funny because he rightly assumes that the two of them could be lovers because they are just tied at the hip at all times and so it's like you know we're taking this money from the company so my lover can

have a sex change operation, blah, blah, blah. And it's just dog day, which is nice, because it shows you that, you know, Bernie Lomax, a fan of good cinema. He does what he's done. That's pretty nice. So then they're like, oh, the mafia's coming here to kill us, but Bernie specifically said, don't do it until he leaves the island.

So all we got to do, Lear, is hang out with the corpse and the mafia's not going to kill us. What? What? The mafia is the mafia. They're going to kill you anyway. Okay, the mafia's like, you know, Bernie fucked up. Let's kill him. Right. Why not kill all three?

Yes. Just finish it all. Why are you leaving loose end? You're taking Bernie out because he's a loose end. You're leaving two others? Who is the better mafia, actually? The mafia in this movie or Joe Mantania in thinner? I think it's Joe Mantegian and thinner.

He gets things done. You know what I mean? He's got a machine gun at least. He successfully killed dogs. Yeah, he's got acid for me. people. And that's what's embarrassing, though, because this is supposed to be the New York Italian mafia. And here's

Joe Mantania out in Bumble Fuck, Connecticut. I don't know which of the five families this is, but... It's the fifth one. It's the one nobody talks about. The Staten Island crew? Oh, no, no, no. You guys are doing a bang-up job over there, and we harbor no-will... Towards the mafia. No, no, no.

We're a pro-Mafia program. You can look back at the old episodes if you want. I think our track record is clear. We are pro-mafia on this show. 100% because you know what someone's gonna do the crime at least it's controlled

at least there's an understanding absolutely so they decide to parade Bernie around even more this is when you get your shoelaces together right this is when we put Bernie on a fucking boat for no really like oh well Richard if we just put Bernie

on the boat and we drive around but then we leave the island with Bernie the mafia can't look as if Bernie was bulletproof yeah yeah totally yeah you know what fucking sharpshooters dude they will pick you off driving Bernie's speedboat.

But what's amazing, I love that sequence because these characters are literally trying to speedboat out of this movie. They're like, if we can get through the wall in the Truman show, we can break out of this fucking movie. And they're doing it so bad. And one of my favorite characters, one of these side rich guys, it's like,

that's illegal. What you're doing is illegal. Oh, I love that line. That was my one legitimate laugh at this whole movie. And then Andrew McCarthy throws an anchor in that man's boat because he thinks a boat has breaks because I guess he's a city kid which is insulting to city kids

because Steve you know that boats don't have breaks yeah I'm well aware of that well the funny thing is they don't they think that they're running away from Anton Sugar you know what I mean like they're like

I wish this has not been a very good weekend at Bernie's for you Jonathan Silverman Laugh it's like the villain from my favorite Cormac McCarthy novels come to life

and it's trying to kill us Richard you don't read call it call it Bernie which by the way talking about Anton Sugar congratulations to everybody taking the BK Challenge

WHMBK Challenge and that it still stands we're still daring people and daring your bowels but don't do it hashtag WHMBK Challenge two meals of Burger King

the first one right when you get home watching King Ralph the second has been sitting waiting for you getting cold some cold burger king for watching no country for old men

What I like about the challenge is that... Several things to like about the challenge, by the way. It ends so grimly. You know what I mean? Like, it's just... It's like the most grim movie you could watch. Like, that's not an afternoon movie. That's not a morning...

It's not a fun movie. No. That's a movie. That's coming for us all and you just ate two Burger King Meals and also watched King Ralph, by the way. That's what I think about the challenge. King Ralph is the poison you ingest at the beginning

and the no country slash second cold. fast food meal. That's the fucking bullet through your eyes. Just as the poison starts to eat your inside. That's the reality of it. So they fuck around in this boat and this is what Bernie's face would be ripped right off. This is what I'm talking about. He's hitting all these buoys. They're dragging him behind the speedboat and he's hitting buoy after buoy and they're like, what's that dinging noise? It's not a boob comedy. It's a booby comedy. A lot more boos and boobs. They're going top speed like 90 miles an hour. He's face down. Like, his skin would rip right off.

His face is taking the brunt of every hit. Yeah, yeah. Nothing's wrong. Like, he's, the head is getting ripped off. Not the, I mean, the face, I'm sure, is gone. That head is gone. Then what happens now? It's basically over, right?

What happens after the speedboating? They wind up going back to the house because they just bring them back for no fucking reason. They keep trying to leave the house. They keep trying to leave and they keep fighting at the same spot. And then Gwen shows up and she's like, oh, I guess Bernie would say the whole time, the bullshit mafia comes up and gets beaten half to death

by Andrew McCarthy of all people. Dude, what's awesome, though? That is a Mickey Mouse mafia organization. Yeah, where he wraps him up in telephone. He wraps him up in a bunch of telephone wire. And then he starts doing what Groucho Marx would do and, like, Charlie Chaplin would do and start kicking him in the ass.

He's kicking this dude in the ass. It's like, this is a mafia assassin. This is some embarrassing shit for the five families right now. This would be a great Marx Brothers movie now that you mentioned that. Oh, sure. Harpo playing Bernie. Oh, you get some people that are competent of comedy doing it.

Oh, yeah. That'd be an interesting change. What a fucking weird thing that would be. They should try that one day. So now the cops get called. And yes, it's the end of the movie. And the cops, again, there's, oh, by the way, the, very pointedly, Pauli shoots Bernie in the chest like five times.

Oh, yeah. Like that, I guess bullets matter now. Yeah, yeah, he's finally escalating the bullets. Weird. The mafia hitman took 48 hours to escalate to bullets. When we finally see Polly arrested, he's in a straight jacket like he's going to Arkham. He was alive. He was alive. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But also, like, it doesn't take, I don't know, you don't have to be a whiz medical examiner to notice that there's no blood coming out because he's been fucking dead for two days.

Also, all the blood fell out into the bay during that boat chase. oh my god what's funny is they're sitting at the end having this like patting each other on the back moment about the whole thing and they're just like you know richard you did great no lawrence you did great no you and i'm like who did great at what you didn't do anything you barely even partied to be quite honest with you if this whole thing was about partying oh you failed at that you decided to just play with a dead body yeah yep exactly right partying grade and F-plus. What wretched partying skills you portrayed in this movie. It was awful. There's no partying. Oh, and also, Gwen, totally in love with Jonathan Silverman. Jonathan Silverman's going to

be hanging out at her parents' beach house for the rest of the week. And then Andrew McCarthy is going to hang out at this crime scene, apparently. This place is closed for business. He's just like, I'll just stay at Bernice. Oh, yeah? You'll stay in a cell. Yes. You frigging weirdo.

What's amazing, too, is there's one part where, like, this woman, it's like a couple of beach babes are walking by the fucking corpse on the stretcher. And they're like, what happened? And this ambulance attendant is like, oh, didn't you hear? Bernie Lomax got murdered. And they're like, oh, no. And he's like, yeah, isn't it awful? Bernie was a great guy. I was like, you don't know that EMT. Or maybe he does, he does know that because. Probably resuscitated a few times. Oh, man, we got to go to Bernie's again. Another chick OD in his bathtub. But he slipped me

20 bucks, so he's cool guy. He kept it quiet. We'll leave him on the side of the road. It's all fine. Sure. Much like Stephen King's weekend at Bernie, with much less car accidents. He hates him. Bernie flies out of the ambulance, falls onto the beach, again, because they can't escape him, and they all kind of run away. And then we have a reprise

of this barry in sand gag by a noted comedy director Jason Walliner. Yes, playing a little shitty, a little stinker in this movie. Former next-door neighbor of Stephen Tadak. There you go, dude. That's it. Look at that.

Look at right at that. See, that could be a sitcom. And then you know what we get, which is great? Back to that comic sands. In case you weren't reminded of the fact already that, hey, go fuck yourself. You just watched Weekend at Berners, you stupid moron. Speaking of cartoons, how did this not have a cartoon opening?

We'll get to that next week where part two does open with a cartoon. Finally. Is that confirmed? I haven't seen it a while. You've seen it like 78 times. Dude, I've seen this. I'm telling you at least 20 times. There's a cartoon.

I was turning this on. I've never seen it. You've never seen part two? Yeah. Oh my God. Can I tell you? I know what it's about. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. That's why I've never seen it. By the way, that corpse is still immaculate. Oh, I'm sure he is. Oh, it's great. But he's got a sweet like windbreaker outfit. on in this movie. One could say it's an

exquisite corpse. That doesn't make sense. Bravo. Would anybody recommend Weekend at Bernie's One? It's no. It didn't work for me.

Had you seen this before? Yeah. Oh, okay. It just, it didn't hold up. I think that it takes a long time to get there. I could see where there's a movie here. It's just a D plus

all around. You know what I mean? It's very in the sand. It didn't work with me. I would actually kind of recommend it, but I think it's like pure nostalgia, dumb shit. Because I remember, I remember 1989, man. Sure. 1989 was a good year. Don't tell me it didn't happen.

I saw it happen. Yeah, you know, we watching this, I had a couple of legitimate laughs, and it's, it's, yeah, it's dumb. You know, do what you want, you know? Don't listen to me. I will say one thing is when you go to the IMDB app and you type in Weekend Weekend at Bernie's 1 and 2

are the first two things that come up which says something about the popularity of this movie series says something about the popularity of the movie weekend actually Yeah really? Although that dude's new movie 45 years is fan fucking tastic

It's a great movie too It's all right But this is better I thought anyway Anyway so I would recommend Weekend at Bernie's I kind of agree with Eric it's dumb nostalgia stuff it did for the most part

like work for me still it is just it's so stupid and I agree with you Steve it is poorly executed there is a better movie in all of this it's called the trouble with Harry directed by Alfred Hitchcock first of all

it wouldn't be a terrible idea to remake this movie not like it would it would be weird it would be like not very good but you could make a movie you get Jake Johnson and you know Damon Wayans's son again maybe they're doing weekend at Bernie's

it would have to be better than that Let's Be Cops, because that's the definition of a letdown is that movie. Yeah, I'm actually shocked that this hasn't been remade. You figured it would be, but it hasn't been. So wake up Hollywood. You're so remake happy. You know, wake up James Corden. You can actually snatch up the weekend at Bernie's reunion.

Honestly, everyone's sleeping on it. You could be the guy to grab it. Things to look forward, Steve, for when you screen Weekend and Bernie. too for next week's episode. Barry Bostwick. Oh, all right. A whole lot of Calypso music. Oh, yeah.

Some wacky hoodoo voodoo going on. New York City 1980s porno theaters. Oh. That's happening. Oh, you like that, right? Yeah, I've been there. And a staple from television's

Law and Order franchise makes a little bit of an appearance. Wait a second. A stapler? Yeah. Elliot's stator. in Weekend at Bernie's 2. Man, that is a bad magazine joke.

If you're hiring Mad Magazine, we're all available. We are, yeah. We are very available. That's Weekend at Bernies from 1989, directed by Ted Kachef. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com,

and find us over at sideshownetwork. Dot TV, right into the mailbag, of course. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast. By the way, keep posting those picks. Hashtaghtag WHMBK Challenge

until someone dies and then we legally have to stop telling people to do it. But just making you eat a bunch of tums for a night doesn't count. No one's making anyone do anything. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's all in good fun. I would actually advise you strongly not to do it. I just so wish there was a Burger King in my neighborhood because I've been fucking craving it.

I say don't do it. I'm seeing all these people not taking the challenge, but I appreciate people posting pictures of how they were motivated to eat some Burger King. So you know what? Hey, Burger King. Yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome.

Send a little of that scratch hour away. And, of course, there is no clue for next week's episode because it is weekend at Bernie's 2. So until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Bernie Lomans. Take it easy. You are not Bernie Lomack.

Thank you.