We Hate Movies - S6 Ep227: Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation

Episode Date: December 1, 2015

On this week's episode, the gang heads to Dark Heart's summer camp in the totally batshit insane, Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation! What's with the whole retconning of the Care Bear universe? What's the big deal about becoming 'Camp Champ'? And who in the world thought the idea of a demon stuffing the souls of beloved creatures into rubies was appropriate for three year-olds? PLUS: WARNING - We know some of you listen to this with your kids. Despite the film selection, make no mistake - this episode hits about an 11 on the Sleaze-o-Meter! Cares Bears Movie II: A New Generation stars Hadley Kay, Chris Wiggins, Cree Summer, Alyson Court, and Michael Fantini; directed by Dale Schott. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadeh. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning into our little program, as always. Now, this week, I think is the first time in a long time. We have decided to chat about a feature length, barely feature length, animated film.

This is Care Bears 2, colon, a new generation from 1986, directed by Dale Schott. now if you don't know the the care bears well speaking of star wars week really quick oh yes this dale snot shot excuse me he uh shot yeah what about he's responsible for the ewalk tv cartoon series yeah yeah i mean that should be an animation damnation one day absolutely should be yeah we'll do that for the next episode eight yeah there you go don't worry this could be star or like the boba fett mini movie or whatever else happens

Boba fat Boba I was going to say the Care Bears if you don't know Now get this They started out As greeting card characters

Oh isn't that something Made their way All the way up To feature films they did Whoa really Yeah That's how Steve and I got started Actually we started

We started as greeting card characters Now we're up to podcasts We made a movie We're getting there Yeah the shortly lived Hallmarks I'm sorry you're obese cards I don't know. You met a friend after, you know, a long summer passes and you're like, oh, wow, that guy put on weight.

It's actually, it's an entire apology series. It's a, I'm sorry, the movie was sold out. I was, I actually started as a pog. But I was the slammer. Oh, yeah. Eric. So it's pretty good to be the slamer, right? The Siska Slammer. You might have remembered it from your Pog days. The Siska Slammer was also your Rassland finishing move when you had that brief stint and the WCW. Yeah, you didn't make it the W-WF. Oh, no, Lord, no.

I was about the 12th fat guy in a burlap sack. So this movie's about what and why there's Care Bears. There's Care Bears. Now, this is it's a Care Bear Bear's prequel. This is the, it's the dumbest thing

ever. Because it's called a new generation. Yes. But it's actually about just the same group of care bears that you already knew, but they're as babies. It's a care bear origin story that's called a new generation. Well, I read that it was a mess

with the continuity perhaps. Like the carebear cousins are fully grown in the first movie and this movie they're babies, but I think some of the characters were adults in the first movie and are adults in this movie? Yes. There's weirdness going on. This is like the ultimate edition of care bears.

Because it rewrites the whole history because like the care bear cut they're all like noah's arc i guess in the beginning yeah oh this is well this it doesn't make any sense but this movie starts out it's like all the care bears you know as babies and just and then these two that are one's a fuzzy horse this tender heart and true heart horse i believe or maybe true heart and tender heart horse i couldn't possibly keep it straight noble right true heart's a bear and noble heart is the horse no because that sounds more vaguely native american so that has to be the horse yeah you're

totally right. By the way, vaguely a horse. Like, it's just, it's a bear with a mohawk and, like, kind of almost hooves. And a horse tail. It's got a horse tail, but yeah, it's a fuzzy horse. And a horse, what, you know what else? All of the, the cousins

who are not bears are all vaguely bears anyway. Yeah, even, like, the lion's kind of a bear. The monkey's a little bit of a bear. The raccoon's definitely a bear. The rabbit's super much a bear. It's just lazy-ass drawing.

Or are they half-bear? Oh, yeah. You know? They're cousins. Yeah, I'm a little, I'm a bit bear on my dad's side. Interspecial? Yes. I hope so.

That's the only way this movie makes sense. That's what I want is the prequel. The prequel of the prequel, which is some bear fucking a horse. Oh, the bear fucking a rabbit and then a bear fucking a penguin. Ladies and gentlemen in home, can you see why it's horrendous that we picked this movie to talk about this week. I just realized, you know, actually, I just realized something and then I just realized I'm wrong.

But I was like, what if a little kid's like searching for something about Care Bears movie too? I'm like, oh my God, they're going to hear us talking all this dirty garbage and that's terrible. Then I realized it's not 1987 so they wouldn't be looking for the Care Bears. Let me tell you something. A number of years ago, I played this movie at work. I one, played it of a pristine 35 millimeter print

somehow. And two, it did business. Wow. A bunch of kids came out for this. Well, because it's a thing where there's a new garbage version that's like, it's all shitty CG, like cheap looking CG. Are you shit? There's the franchise has continued. Oh my God.

It's actually got, I was ready today, it kind of went the arrested development route. I think it was on Cartoon Network, it got canceled, and now it's on Netflix. Oh yeah. I saw a thing the other day that was like Netflix Presents, man, you know what? I like a lot of Netflix original programming, but to a degree

they will buy anything. Yes. They will so, but like they have Master of None, which is an amazing new series from Aziz Ansari. They will also buy a canceled Care Bears sitcom. Or that Richie Rich show, which is super weird. I've seen that? Yeah. Oh, that's

creepy as anything. And that Canadian Inspector gadget's bad. It's shitty CG. There's like a Canadian mermaid show that who could give a flying fuck? I like That. No, no, no. You guys, you're confused. It's a swimming fuck on that one. So they're on Noah's Ark, for some reason. It's the horse and the bear. And the babies are sleeping all pleasantly.

Where they got these babies from? What orphanage did they just rob? Yeah, they raided it. That's a good way to look at it. They just fucking raided this. We're picking our bears back. Maybe, although, maybe they're like freedom fighters and it was a kill shelter. Oh, okay. Yeah, maybe, or maybe, like, maybe like, maybe like, Cyberdine Industries was like trying to... Oh, Cyberdines involved? Yeah, Cyberdines involved. Pre-Skynet stuff.

There was, they were breeding bears and horses and things. Exactly, it's a learning computer. Or it was like that lab in that George Romero monkey movie. And they were like trying to make all these super smart animals to help paralyzed people. Maybe it's Ali Sheedy's man's best friend was involved for a little while. Is that the movie where the dog pisses acid? Yes. Oh, stay tuned for Lance Hendrickson in that movie. Maybe next year's Spooktacular. That'd be a lot of fun. Um, so they're on this arc and they're just trying

to get somewhere. Well, they're running. They're running. And what's amazing is like one of the first lines in this movie is one of the bear or the fuzzy horse. One of them just goes, he's found us. Which is awesome. And then in comes like the villain of the movie, this demon present. He's basically the devil. He is the devil. This dark heart. gentleman so they were running from him huh i thought i thought they just like bumped into him like it was like a car crash at sea and they were i guess oh he cut like they cut him off and he got really pissed about it this was all like not road rage but sea rage that does happen just as often i think it does as we saw in the weekend at burney's franchise but like it's this like giant

sea monster it's like this crackin thing and then there's like a typhoon barreling down on on them as well. Yeah, everything's really happy for like nine seconds, and then it goes to that new... Shit gets real, real quick. It turns to that Chris Holmesworth Moby Dick movie really quickly. Oh, it gets in the heart of the Care Bear Sea

immediately. There's a sperm whale coming after them. A young wet behind the ears. Herman Melbear is trying to write the story of this. Oh, better take notes, Herm. This is getting good. Call me Ishbear. Sure.

Sure, why no audience can't see my shrugging. Get ready for those jokes or turn off the episode. So the sea monster, which has the most terrifying voices of all time, is just like, I'm going to get you, cabas. It's one of those weird things where you just overlay the same vocal track two or three times. Yeah. So it sounds like multiple, like, bizarre, eerie things at once. Well, because this is a demon, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like we are... He's from the heart of hell. Yeah, we are Legion, right? Oh, yeah, exactly. This is where it's going, folks. This is Canadian. That's what I want my four-year-old baby to be watching.

Let me tell you. So this movie came out in, what did I say, 86. So, like, by the time it was on home video, like I had younger siblings, this was on a lot in my house. Uh-huh. Amazingly, I was more bothered by it in my 30s than I was as a child watching.

Oh, yeah. This was on VHS. It was constantly. constantly playing. I've seen this a lot of times. I mean, I haven't seen it like, you know, 25 years or whatever, but like watching it, it flooded back. But I was like, this voice, I did not remember it being this terrifying. But it is bone chilling. This isn't for kids. It's not for children. And they get out of this scrape by God comes down in the form of an aging star. It looks like a star shaped, like bean bag. Yeah. It's kind of like the narrator. It's like a Burl Lives kind of. Yeah. I'm going to tell you the story about the care bears.

And they're like abducted up to fucking care bear heaven or some shit. I thought they died. Maybe that they did. Oh, shit. This is the moment where they died and now the rest of the movie is just the brain synapses firing like before death. Well, it's just true heart like his body's twitching on the deck of that boat. Right before the lights finally go out. Think about it this way, though.

Like, they're pulled up to the heavens in this moment of, like, great duress, right? And then, like, they're not yet the care bears, by the way. This, like, star god being. They're just a couple of bears trying to live. Exactly. It's a bear and a horse trying to live in harmony with their adopted, possibly kidnapped family. So you were trying to steal those other bears. All those abominations.

A bear and a horse can't lay together at this country. They have to go to a boat to eat. international waters to raise these kids. But then so this God being assigns them like now you're the care bears and you have to help people. I think they just become guardian angels. I think

all these bears are dead. I think it's just all animal ghosts helping people. Baby ghosts. Oh yeah. You guys are on to something. These are definitely dead bears. These are definitely animal ghosts. And instead of explaining

any of this, they're like, yay. We made it. They're all happy. And then, like, their little, like, carolet castle gets built out of fucking stars and whatever. Oh, it's a big Mario Brothers cloud city nonsense. Hey, bears are ignorance is bliss. Long as we don't ask any questions, this could be a lot of fun. You can just never go home again.

And remember to follow my orders. I'm the omnipresent star in the sky. Don't eat from that tree, says this. the star. Don't shit in those woods, said the star. Do you think there was ever a moment where any of these baby care bears were like, hey, Trueheart,

where did we come from? Yeah, exactly. Were we always in this cloud city or what? Do we have parents? What are parents? What are we? I wonder, I think this is the type of bullshit this bear verse,

if you will. I think they probably have like a stork. Yeah. but the stork take i don't i'm sure there is still like pure hot and wet mammal fucking going on but then a then a nice stork comes and like cleans up and changes the diaper well it's interesting because it is all mammals isn't it yeah oh yeah there's no egglaying care cousin things going on here oh it's an it's an army of red rockets man the other way this episode is like many of them not safe for work

here's an alternate theory maybe it's like dark city you know what I mean I like that it's a bunch of like people like there's all these like different bears and like they keep falling asleep and waking up with different powers and like there's this there's this malevolent force

of white creatures beneath that are actually like alien bugs are on a fucking starship the whole time yeah and then William Burke gets sucked into space which is the best part William Hurt Bear A Rufus Yule Bear That eye's going every which way

That bear's got his eye on you Oh and also Here's another interesting thing So he sets up This talking star god figure sets up this thing where he's like So you know The people of earth need help

And you have to help them And you'll know they need help By this bat signal-esque thing called the caring meter that I'm going to put in front of your house that's going to ding-dong whenever somebody's sad. It's just, I mean, how can the care bears attend to all the sadness in the world? Exactly, and we'll get there, but like... Well, I don't think there's that much left in the world.

I think there's probably some type of... Wait, is this a post-apocalyptic society? I think so. I think so. That's why there's only so few kids at this camp. Shit. Let's get there. So they're like, cool, we'll just hang out here and wait for,

orders star god and he's like you betcha we cut to caresh out by the way they also have cloud cars which I love oh cloud cars are great well they get a cloud boat too by the way are we the podcast that mentions David caresh the most I would hope so we've been really pushing for it I'd like to get that like title somewhere I mean I was raised at branch

Davidian it's Koresh and Dahmer It's all, oh, it's Dahmer Country with your show up here. They're neck and neck. So we go down to, speaking of compounds, this summer camp, wherein there are no counselors. No, there's not a fucking adult to be found. And I don't, I mean, this movie, the timeline of this movie is very sketchy. Yep. But it seems like it lasts months, at least months, if not years.

This 80-some-odd minutes feels like months and years. And there's no telling when summer camp began, and there's no one talking about summer camp ever ending. Well, maybe. Yeah. Maybe those kids are dead, too. I think this is purgatory. I think summer camp is purgatory. I was going to say, Eric, it goes to your theory about that this is the post-apocalypse,

and these kids don't know that the rest of the world has been nuked. Oh, wow. So it's just days are going by. Oh, wait a minute. The endless summer. Yes. And hang on even closer to this. It's some weird virus that kills everyone 15 and up.

Oh, wow. So it's just a kid, like children of the corn planet now? You know what? You got yourself there by accident. A million dollar idea. You can sell that shit to... You can tell that shit to Harper Collins right now. Oh, yeah.

Totally. You could Logan run all the way to the bank. So I'll write three books and then they'll make five fucking movies about it. You've got to split this up. Oh, yeah. You got to do justice to the story, right? Oh, sorry, my cash register is going off in the background. I mean, how else could you break up a taught 320-page book?

I mean, there's no way to tell that story in less than two movies. Oh, the Hunger Games. But so there's this weird system, as there is no law. No law. It's a lawless society. It's whoever... There's two things you can do in this camp, which is sports and die. No, and clean up the fucking garbage. Oh, right, everyone's getting assigned trash duty.

So it's a race, and there's this, like, really beefy kid who looks a little older, but definitely not a counselor. No, no, no, no, no. He's maybe, like, they're all in the fifth grade, and his kid's in the sixth grade. And he's beating them in a race. He's like, I'm camp champ, champ, and you're a dog shit. You better. Now, anyone who lost, and, like, you know, it's two blonde twins and their dark-haired girl. John and Dawn.

John and Dawn, and then Christy is this dark-haired girl with a baseball cap. They all lose. Like, you guys have trash duty. You guys are losers. You guys should just leave. But before you leave, you should definitely clean our trash. And it's a weird, it's like camp trash. So it's like a bag, like a burlap bag, and then a stick with a nail on the end of it.

And he throws both of these things in this little child's face and he's like, clean up my fucking shit. Oh, yeah. Latrine duty is implied for sure. Oh, yep. He's allowed to because he's Camp Champ. Right. And by the way, everybody, drink every time they say Camp Champ in this movie. You'll have alcohol poisoning in 15 minutes.

Maybe it was my cut. Did anyone else have him saying, Lick My Bunghole, motherfucker? Was that just me? I had that. Oh, really? Yeah. That's the Leak My Bunk. It's the John Travolta cut.

Yeah. It's the one he commissioned for his private use and his weird Scientology parties. I'm Camp Champ. Lick my bunghole, motherfucker. Do you want to watch Care Bears? I mean, I guess so You would he says it like that Well dude, if someone yells if you want to watch a movie at you

Like you just say yes Especially if it's John Travolta Because it's either watch that movie or lick his bunghole Motherfucker Yeah But so the whole What makes a camp champ? What is that about?

That's a great question. I started to, you know, I watch this movie And I was thinking about it and I think the idea is you have to be the greatest at sports and it could be any sport like you could be like let's have a race and you race and you win

and you are the camp champ let's go swimming you win you are the camp champ you know like it's but all they do is run it's just them coming back from jobs they do talk about other they do talk about other things and Chrissy character coming up did mention swimming at one point

So I think it's just being the best at sports. And if you're not the best at sports in general, fuck you. Yeah, so this isn't like a fat camp in any capacity. No, this is a beat your ass camp. It's Lord of the Flies. There are no adults. So clearly, like in Lord of the Flies,

the strong rise to the top and fat little piggy's getting this is, that's why there's no fat kids in this movie because they're all dead. Oh, yeah. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Maybe, just maybe. this was like everyone's getting on an airplane to go to the summer camp oh no and it crashes and like these three four or five dumb babies that are in this thing including that jock yeah just think they're at camp now but they're just in the woods and everyone else is dead oh yeah you know they don't even remember eating that piggy makes total sense so they're all down about it this yeah bizarre sports culture that they're living in makes them feel like fat shit and they're just sitting, they're crying

like, the girl, Christy, the girl of the hat, it's like, I want to run away and then her friends, John and Dawn, are so fucking weak. They're like, well, I guess we'll run away too. And, you know, the starving kid in Jakarta doesn't set off the Carbear alarm. Not at all. Not at all.

The molested kid everywhere doesn't set the alarm off. No. But just this kid, not feeling great in sports. Holy shit. Stop everything. A white kid feels not as great about him. and the care bear care meter gets set off dude and we are going to earth this the one bear mother what is it true heart true yeah something sure true detective the pale king i apologize that's her name so she yeah true heart like gets in this this cloud car and she goes down to earth to help out and steve satex favorite character trope there's a stowaway oh this little bunny stow away and it's like we got to figure out why John and Dawn and Christy

are so upset, but Christy like runs off into the woods to possibly go kill herself. I don't know what's going on at this camp. You want to go check out Lenny's family? His dad just killed himself in front of him. You want to see what's going on? Lenny's not feeling so great this Christmas. No, we have a sad boy at summer camp. He needs to learn to smile again. Yeah, but Lenny's

going to be like this for the rest of his life and it might be detrimental that we help him at this very juncture. Well, no, I think there's something wrong with Lenny beyond. What he saw. I think he must be a sinner because again, these are bears from heaven coming down and these are pure souls here. That Lenny kid touching himself and whatnot

doesn't deserve it. But what about Tony's family that was wiped out by Ediamine? Was there someone named Tony who had a family wiped out by African dictator Ediamese? It's short for something longer. Was he like a peace worker? Look, if James McAvoy could be in that movie, I could make that joke with Tony. Sure.

Hey, sure. Hashtag RIP Tony. Well, Tony's still alive. It's his parents that were cut up by E.D. They're in Eidio means bathtub or whatever happens in that movie. And then he went to the palace and had drinks with him and had like a fun summer. Gillian Anderson was there. Oh, yes. She was there.

Whatever. So this bear is like, hey, why don't you get in my car? And we can go back to my house in the sky and I can make you feel all better, sad twins. Get in a fucking van. Mystic River. We got a cute little bunny rabbit in a diaper. You want to see where he lives? Come on. So this bear and its rabbit child

Kidnap these two kids And they fly up into heaven But the weird thing is it's not like Christy's the one that really wants to run away They kind of go along with it They get separated And the care bears come down And pick up the two Aryan kids

But they're not like Oh, what about our friend? You know, let's go find Christy Christy's really feeling down We were just kind of doing this to make her feel better about herself. Like, oh, fuck it. She's got brown hair. Fuck her. Yeah, I agree.

So they get up to like Cloud City and How you doing, care bears? Lobots walking around. Oh, he's managing all the Carabare babies. Oh, yeah. He's like, because he's got that robot implant. He can like change diapers faster. Exactly. They start singing some 80s pop song and Billy D.D.

He's like, this deal gets worse all the time. Cracks a cult 45 to take the edge off. Oh, man, surrounded by these bears. These bears and baby bears. Boy, I've missed the days of jive-talking robots and wookies all over the place. Now I got cartoon bears in my cloud city. I don't know what that was. So they're like, you know the best way to.

feel better about your lot in life twins, take care of these 20 little animal cubs while we go out for the night. And they stick these kids with babysitting duties. And you know what, man? Let's get into it. I don't like the idea of these animals with fucking, with diapers.

I don't even really think these things should be gendered in general. You know what I mean? Why not? They're all little doughy little whatever's. You know what I mean? But we already established there's that hot mammal action.

I don't think that the cartoon wants you to think about that, though, Eric. Well, I mean, most of them kind of aren't gendered. No, but they always like he and her. You know what I mean? They do have those pronouns. Do they? Yeah, it's like, oh, Tenderheart, we got to go to her house or whatever the hell it goes on. I mean, they're always, like, referring to, like, Tenderheart, we have to go to True Heart.

So I never heard any of the pronouns. Maybe, maybe I'm making it up. No, I think you might be right. Like, Grumpy Bear clearly has, like, a lower boy's voice. Yeah. So, I mean, so there is that. Yeah. Why we do that, and then I don't want them having diapers.

You know why? Because that means they've got assholes. And that means shit comes out of that asshole. Like in that Charmin commercial that they shove down my throat where these bears are like, oh, man, I need something that's soft against my anus. And then it's like, don't you hate it when toilet paper gets stuck in your fur? And I'm like, listen, toilet paper commercial. Yes. I mean, one, yes, it's horrible.

But to fucking fuck you, just tell me that you're making toilet paper. That's available for me to purchase. But on this, and they're like, yeah, we're doing, and they're like, they freak out for a second. But then, like, there's these little star and heart buddies that pop out. It's kind of like the Care Bears version of Woodstock from peanuts. Yeah, the Twitter like icons come to life. Oh, the old ones. And the new ones.

There's a star and a heart. There's a star now? Where have you been? They changed the star to a heart. Yes. The star and a heart. In Care Bears, there's a star and a heart that are dancing around looking like bean bags. God, for a second, I thought I got Twitter on.

You got an F on Twitter. It's just the fucking Care Bears. I don't care. But thank God they're saved because a fucking musical montage kicks in. Which let me tell you, the music in this movie is rotten to the question. to the core. These songs are terrible. It's so fucking terrible.

It ranges from like 80s pop to like 80s jazz to eight like there's like bluesy songs that are parts. There's bass guitar all over the place being used for all sorts of different bassy rhythms in this and I don't appreciate it. I don't need it. You got like synth bass. There is a little like blues bass like getting shit done kind of music. And it's just a montage of you watching these two chill.

wash out bear anuses and change diapers. Like there's a machine that's like squirt and water all over them. I'm like, why is it these two kids' responsibility to do this? Exactly. They basically kidnap these kids from manual labor. Like true heart and tender heart, we're looking at each other. I'm like, I don't want to fucking change these diapers. Yeah, how did we get stuck with us?

We just wanted to kidnap all these kids. We didn't want to take care of them. Like, all right, well, I guess that's it. Yeah, let's kidnap some more kids. And just the fact that they've constructed this conveyor belt, this like Pee-Pee's Playhouse thing, like a bidet. Clean my bunghole, motherfucker. And so they're like, you know, it's a little machine that like, you know, bedaes you, changes your diaper, throws you down a slide for some reason. Because it's fun, Andrew.

And they're, you know, they all land in a little bassinet and it like robot hands pull covers over there. And guess what they're doing then after that slide? They're vomiting on themselves. You don't want to take a young child like that and throw it down a slide right after you pour water up its ass? No, you don't. It's a recipe for disaster. And we cut back to Darkheart because Christy's been left out in the dust.

You can't even clean any bear's asshole. And Darkheart appears as a little boy. As a little red-headed demon child. As a, he like marches out as a fox. fox at first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he turns into a foxy little boy. Yeah, that's weird. Well, he appears first to Christy as a boy. And it's just like, well, hey there, I'm the most Canadian-sounding boy you've ever heard. And he's got red eyes. He's got red hair, and he's in a red track suit. Sure. It looks like somebody from the Royal Tannenbaum. He's Ben Stiller's kid from the Royal Tannenbaum. And he's got red eyes. And she's like, oh, hey, kid has it going. I'd be like what the fuck get out of here. Like you're the devil. You're clearly the devil.

You know, bedazzled in a red fucking run DMC jumpsuit. You have red hair and red eyeballs like red irises. Yeah. That's a demon. You little girl have come across the devil. She doesn't see it that way. Because she

wasn't raised by evangelical Christians that didn't tell her. That's true. The devil comes at you every day of your life. He's just like, you're the camp champ, aren't you? Oh, you're not the camp champ? Sorry. Sorry about that. And there begins our Faustian

adventure in Care Bears a new generation, because basically he's like, wouldn't you like to be the camp champ, eh? Oh, yeah. I can make, what are you good at? And she's like, I'm good at tossing a marble around. He's like, well, that's pathetic, eh?

Wouldn't you like to be camp champ? I'd say, now you are the camp champ. Wouldn't you like to be an extra in an X-Files episode? They're casting for that right around here. Or Battlestar Galactica or any number of...

Those X-Men movies are up here, too? A? And so, like... Here's something. Yes. I am... When and if the devil comes to me. I've got my list of demands. And I'm ready to sell my soul,

but I'm selling high I you know you don't just I'm just picturing the devil walking away because it's not worth it there's no way I can get that much from this man this soul's not worth that much I mean my God

look at him Chats is always going to come my way anyway that's all I'm going to say pay that much pay that much for a fucking soul wearing a t-shirt that says that but this girl camp champ for your

You're soul, you're ever-loven soul? I mean, what's, I mean... I mean, it's presented as, I'm going to do you a favor. One day, you got to do me a favor. No questions asked. Well, look, once I hear you're no, no, no, no, no, no, no. From the devil down to the mafia, dude, a favor for you now and a favor for me later, it's never good. Yeah, especially not in the summer camp.

That's... Well, you know what goes on there. Yeah, Jason Voorhees. Not only that, but what those counselors were up to. think about it. There's no counselors in this movie. Even more dangerous. There's a real camp nowhere. And it's not five large we're talking about. It's camp champ.

Yeah, totally. I mean, presuming that this is not a post-apocalyptic society and they will be going home at some point. So what you're selling your soul for what? Three more weeks of glory. It's just like bragging rights. It's just to be like king's shit to four. four people for a couple of days. And then you know what?

Time will fly by. Next thing you know, you're 37, and you're not thinking at all about that time you were Camp Champ for three weeks, but you have no soul. And you know what? She's lucky that the only thing that this mollifluous dinosaur monster

wants from her is to sell the caribers down the river. That's the best case scenario. I would sell the carabers down the river instantly. I would turn on them instantly. Oh, these little demon-talking animals, of course. Yeah, they're, oh, they're pretending there from like a heaven place. Yeah, well, that's what's annoying about this whole thing, much like a lot of these fantastical journeys where, like, creatures talk to normal people.

At no point is anyone ever like, well, that's a talking bear. Throwing up. Yeah, or like, she's never like, like, Christy, like after they make the deal and whatnot, when he reappears to her as that fox, she's like, who goes there? And he's like, it's me again. Now I'm a talking fox. Chaos raids. Yes. And then mutates into a boy again. And she's just like, oh, it's you. Shitting my trousers, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Would it be the camp champ a shitting myself. What I love, though.

She starts in on this camp champ shit and she's racing this dude and throw it in his face. And this guy's like a loser now. Oh, my, how the tables have turned. She's like making me dog shit. I don't think. Clean my laundry. Oh, yeah. There's possibly some laundry.

Get my trash out. This is when she's like, this is also when she's like, oh, just beat you in racing. How about a swim, motherfucker? Is that what it happens? Yeah, yeah. She's just like, I could beat you at anything. I'm camp fucking champ. And that's it.

That was her price. She then spits in his face I wish So then cut to a montage Where the care bear cubs All grow up in the length of a shitty song Which is amazing Because apparently in the first movie

They're all adults the whole time It's kind of a prequel There's no indication In the first movie That they were babies You know that they were babies No if I'm remembering it right I think in the first movie

The Care Bears who were all fully grown And a team of superheroes And just bears only They discover the Carebear Cousins Like it's them meeting each other For the first time Yeah They're the same age

Yeah They're all grown And now in this movie The cousins are babies And some of the bears And the bears are babies too Yeah Grumpy bears a baby

And all that shit So this is like We didn't have technology At the time To do this the way we wanted Yeah a little bit of George Lucas-esque retconning Yes

We're just changing the narrative Dude That's what this fucking is Well but the thing is And it's for nothing Because they're not even babies The whole time It's only, obviously, they were also selling baby toys.

It was like, The Care of the Cubs, toys were coming out. And that's it. That's what we're doing. Here's the interesting thing is, hey, they're care bears, you've got to take those babies to the forest of feeling, also known as Jones Town. Well, they'll grow up really fucking quick. Oh, yeah, life will get right in the way.

They become adults. And as Grumpy Bearers. As a man, he can get three to five wives as he pleases. All the comeliest young lasses for grumpy bear. Don't you want that grumpy bear? Think about when your balls have descended. It's coming soon. And I apologize, lady bears, but that's just the rule of the law of man.

God wants Grumpy Bear to rule over you because he's stronger and better than you. so they have this like growing up montage where they just like age rapidly and they're like getting their cloud card driver's licenses and you know learning how to use a telescope and that ain't all it takes forever but like it's just it's another fun so it's a care bear cheer song I believe this is when the cheer song this isn't the like growing up is hard to do song oh you're right just growing up yeah and you just you just want to be they want you to be like crying and affectionate for these terribly drawn cartoons. Also with these songs, like the movie stops dead. Oh, yeah. And it's just like, sit down and shut the fuck up.

We're listening to a song right now. Hey, hey, hey, hey, shut up. Shut up. And, like, oh, again, the timeline, like, we're still at summer camp. It seems like no time is passing. There's, like, lifetimes going by in bear country. Right. Oh, I see.

And time is standing still on this earth plane. if you will, where Chrissy and these kids are, the Hitler youth. Yeah. Well, maybe it's like, it's just, it's alternate dimensions, dude, and like time passes differently at Carrelot. It's like interstellar going on. I think that's what's happening. And that star is actually a distant sun.

Mm-hmm. You know what, Eric? This is starting to come together nicely. Start to make all sorts of sense. And the true bear takes that, that cloud car. through a wormhole. Yeah, I think that's what we're led to believe. And comes back and the air bear cousins are babies now or something, it's like fucking

freaky. Oh, man, that's fucked up. It's fucked up. Oh, so they were all the same age, but then the bear and the horse somehow went back in time, oddly. Yeah, it's like reverse planety apes. I don't know what that means, but think about it. But also the bear and the horse keep getting called off on missions that you're going to. You don't get to see.

The fact that this star god is actually, he actually says, well, noble heart and true bear are out on a mission. See, and that's what's fucked up because not even in goddamn care a lot. Do we have mandated family paid leave? Where these, this fucking horse and a bear can stay home and raise these 20 goddamn children without fear of losing their job and not making rent. No, no, no, no, no. They fucking get these bears.

And then it's like, we got to go kidnap some kids to take care of our kids because we got to go back to work immediately. And not only that, it's a mission. It's got this vague military-esque vibe. Absolutely. People are making noise in the Ukraine. Go snuff it out. Listen, two words, God's army. Yeah.

Okay, that's what these little fucking things are. Hey there, noble heart. Wow, one more task for you. Let's call the mission. You got to go arm the Chechny and rebels. I think Russia's getting a little smug And my job As Star God is to even the playing fields

You don't want Putin bear to take over everything, do you? Don't worry, Chechnya, true heart's coming But yeah, they're off on a mission When Dark Heart in the guise of the boy Because all these stupid little kids, They're grown up, but they're still very naive. Sure.

He comes in, he's like, oh, I got to fix your fucking care bear meter or whatever. Yeah, he's the caring meter reader. So it's this, it's a demon disguised as a boy wearing a hat and sunglasses and carrying a toolbox pretending to be a repairman. This dude's ruse is going deep. Why not just be a man?

Why not at that point, like, be a man and just be like, oh, look, and have a different outfit. Hey, also, here's the easiest thing. Don't be a humanoid at all. Yeah, be a fucking bear. Oh, look, I'm another bear of your friend. Oh, I got kicked out of the fucking forest of whatever the shit. And now I came to Carol.

Please take me in, God's army. Then you're infiltrating. You're on the inside. Also, where, what is the star god, I guess, is eyeing the troubles in Eastern Europe right now. He's nowhere around. He's totally not paying attention. A demon just walking.

into his friggin' house. Harry Dean Stan Bear and Bill Pax Bear are fighting over a chain of home improvement

stores. So that's really that leaves the back door open for this guy to come in. It makes total sense. Just nonsense. So the

Care Bears like start fucking with him. Well basically he's like look, his thing, all he wants to do is put these things in a fucking burlap sack and I guess drown him

throw him right in the river right in the Care Bear River he's got a magical burlap sack and his goal is to put them inside of it and everybody's following along as the goal normally is when one has a burlap sack it's to put things inside it

a magical burlap sack oh yeah because it could appear and not appear as needed it's a magical burlap sack like a homeless Mary Poppins this thing's bottomless and so he's like oh he's trying to trick him. They're like, oh, let's play games. And he's like, yeah, yeah, let's play games. And they keep, like, fucking with him, I guess. But it's like, it's that annoying,

like, accidental fucking with someone, because they don't know that it's dark hard. But they're like, we're just having fun. And this demon, again, a demon who's going up against, like, I don't know what at this point, preteen bears. Yeah. You know, they're like old enough to be left at home while mom and dad go to work, but it's still kind of sucks, but there's no choice again. They're latchkey bears. Yes, they are latchkey bears at the this point and they're like having fun they're playing leapfrog and like this demon is getting fucked with and bested by children and then the little stars they know what's up they're like trying they're trying to stop dark heart by going like and like pushing them around kind of but they can't

speak because yeah uh in his infinite wisdom david caresh star did not bless them with vocal cords Oh, I thought you were going to say that David Koresh start cut out their tongues. It's entirely possible. We'll stick them out. Watch what happens. You spoke. He's still of the prophet. He's doing it one by one.

With a rusty straight razor? That's how it gets done. That's how you teach someone a lesson. They will know that now. In care bear country, that's how he keep all these little care bears in line. I need to humble you. So he gets pissed off and turns into a big purple cloud

of hate. It's like, yeah, isn't it more of like a tornado I thought? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah. It's a red tornado? It's a red tornado. No, that's a robot. Steve told me. Oh, right. Yeah, that's one of those computer bots from the comic books. From the superhero books.

Right, the super bots. So mom and dad get home just in time and they're like, get the fuck out of our house, demon. They're covered in blood. Previous mission. Yeah, yeah. Previous mission. Don't worry about it.

It got crazy in Nicaragua. They're both wearing like cargo shorts. For some reason. Well, Bears, it's time for regime change. Like everything that happens in the world. Yeah. It's facilitated by Care Bears. I'm a star god.

They're destabilizing nations. I think that's right, dude. This star god is like the universe's, the Joker. Yeah. Like he just wants to watch the world burn. So he they now, they fight him. The only way they know how is by blasting them with the stomach stuff. The care bear stare as it's known in the business. Right. They like, it's like a Voltron sitch. Yeah. Kind of his. Yeah, they all like join arms and like all their stomachs start puking fairy dust on them. And because the care bear cousins are ill defined, they have a care bear, they have a care bear cousin call or the

Cousins call? The Cousin call, which shoots out musical notes at people. Same diff, I guess. It's just a bunch of lightsemen getting shot in a cloud's face. That's what you're watching. And also just calling them Cousins confirms that this is like a cult. Yeah. This is like the Ohio

chapter of this nefarious organization. Absolutely. So they like kind of best him and it's like, I'll get you gadget. I mean, care bears. And then very important to the plot. What?

yeah there's a plot oh shit true heart and the horse whatever they are like oh we got to follow it now that he's weak now that Voldemore is that his weakest yes we're gonna cut his fucking throat totally we're gonna chase him to the ends of the earth they say yeah I think it was a cousin like what was it brave brave heart brave heart there is no brave heart yeah there is brave heart lion the lion right is that is his name brave heart it is so yeah oh mercy and he's like nope who is that voice it's like no Noble, noble heart, true heart, you got to kill him now when he is weak. Take the van and get the shotguns. We'll ride him out of town.

Because they're like letting him go. He's made a run for it. He's been defeated. But Braveheart is just like, kill him now. Kill him now. Come on, mom and dad. We got to finish the job. I want to eat that boy.

Wait, don't kill him until he turns back in. to a boy or else we can't eat him. So he they chase him and then uh, whoa, dark heart, uh, takes the form of the boy again and he goes down to Christine and he's like, yeah, those fucking idiots

they're chasing my shadow. Yep. Those morons. Now it's time to take care of, I want to kill all their little babies. That's what I've whole movie's been about. Carebear genocide, I'm calling in my favor. Honestly, it sounds like dark heart might be the good guy. Yeah, I don't Well, if the care bears are indeed responsible for, as you're positing all of the world's tragedies, then yes, Darkhart is the good guy in this situation.

I was always signed with him, even as a kid. I was like, he's got a can-do attitude. He's getting stuff done. All these bears are stupid and there's 50 of them. At least, Darkheart has a clear-cut goal of what he wants out of life, and that is Destroy the Care Bears. And all that's left of humanity, honestly, we'll get to that. So he's like, you got to do me a favor. Yeah, here comes fucking favored time.

Is this when... So she gets in a boat. She gets in a little canoe and she's like, oh, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. Please somebody help me. And all these idiot bears go down to help her. And oops, they get sucked into a magical burlap sack, which is found to happen. It's this hilarious, like, you know what it is, honestly?

So the parents go off and they're like, okay, care bears, we're on the special mission to get Voldemore. You have to stay here and carry on all the other carebear business. Right. Well, it's helping all the white kids in the world. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the 911 line goes off. And they're like

operating this shit, the cosmic switchboard. It's like classic botched first day on the job though, because two care bears go down. They don't come back. And then they're like, oh, well, grumpy and sleepy didn't come back. Better send two more until the entire care

Bear Army is down there getting caught. A big amount. Also, oh, sorry. But this is also the perils of having child soldiers. You're absolutely right. Just as Edie Amin. Tony's...

Tony's poor family. Yeah, well, now he's a general. Tony turned into a general for Edie. Hashtag, RIP, Tony. He... So Braveheart is the one to figure it out. He's like, wait a minute. This is a trap.

Oh, no, we're all getting duped. Retreat Oh, I'll fix that girl later He says Oh, I don't think I forgot about that hat-weared little girl She's in with the devil She's unclean, we're going to throw stones in her later Teach her to dress like a boy,

Raur! I'm going to make you my fifth wife, but I guess not, Rao. Well, there's some weird line where one of the care bears is, oh, well, there's like secret bear that only talks in whisper. What the fuck is that bear's problem? Can we talk about secret bear? Dude, is he shy?

What? No, this, I agree with Steve. This bear's fucked up. He's shy slash maniacal. He's like the minister of information, I guess. He does something towards the end. I forget, but it's like a ninja move or something because no one can hear him coming. And his logo is a lock.

Yes, exactly. It's a locked. What he does is throws his voice and does a moose impression. Of a lady moose. Because there's one point where, like, we should say right now that Dark Heart's influence goes well beyond the care bears. He starts influencing all the little kids in the camp and all the animals on the earth forest to turn evil. So the kids all hilariously vandalize and just burn this camp to the ground. And all the animals are getting very aggressive in the forest.

So there's one part where like the two twins are about to be murdered by this moose or some shit. And then like secret bear in his wisdom starts doing a little lady. moose call, and this angry old moose gets all horned up and trots away looking for this lady. You know what? Not unlike the devil, Secret Bear knows all of your desires. You know what I mean?

He keeps him in his little locked tummy and he'll release it at will to the highest bidder, I guess. Eddie Bazoon! Secret Bear, great at the ventriloquism. Also mass surveillance. Oh, yeah, absolutely. How do you think Star

God knows what's going on in the world? Well, they say, they're like, hey, by the way, don't go over and try to help this girl in the boat because Secret Bear just told me that he saw the girl throw the oars into the water so it's a trap. Secret Bear says she turned state's evidence. It was me, Secret Bear, the author of your pain. So then, like, Darkheart's like, oh, we'll get the rest of those bears later. For right now, I'm going to hang. out in this boat and be the devil and he like slips and falls and kind of chatting up this little girl a little bit

yeah he is a little bit and he's getting a little cocky because he's the devil and he slips and falls and he hits his head on the side of the boat and falls in the water and let me tell you something this little girl here when you're in deep with the devil like this and this

kid falls in the water unconscious watch the devil die 10 out of 10 times you have to watch the devil die exactly right you just you know what, he's going to take any form. He looks like an innocent child, but if you know he's the devil. Yeah. But even if he's...

The greater good. This is like baby Hitler times a thousand at this point. Hell yeah, I would. That quote is attributed to Jeb Bush. Deb. He falls in the water. Listen, even if he is the good guy like I think, all these fucking ravenous bear monsters

that have magic are coming after him and you. let him go let him go then you gratiate yourself with the bears you know what I mean like I was just

caught under his spown you have to watch the devil burn don't go on their compound because you're never coming back but just be like hey hey look that's cool we're square

right bears I'm just gonna go in the forest leave me alone all right bye thanks I talk to my buddies John and Dawn I don't want to get caught up in your crazy

endless babysitting chores that's when you do the Lorraine Brocko at the end of Goodfellas where Robert De Niro's trying to get her to go inside there to get those coats. Oh, they're farther towards the back. That's where those coats are.

No, no, thanks, Jimmy. Thanks, Trujohn. I got to go feed the kids. Damn, secret bear. She didn't fall for it. They got pipes. What is in that alleyway? My God, it's full of stars.

That's the last thing you want to see. Star gods there waiting to eat her. Probably. How does he stay young? Probably by the blood of the youth. Blood of virgins. Well, even if you go up there, though, it's still a gamble, right? Because then, like, you know, they're all like ushering Christy, like, towards the house.

Like, just go inside. Christy, just go inside. And she opens the door, and it's just an empty house that they've rented. And she just goes, ah, and someone shoots her in the back of the head, like Joe Pesci. She thought she was getting made. Yep, no, no, no, no, no. But so she's a fool. And always watch the devil die.

We hate movies, little, you know. That's a quote to live by says, we hate movies. Always watch the devil die. But she goes in and saves him. And he's like, oh, you saved me. Why did you do that? And like, he's starting to break up a little bit, but he's like, you know what? I'm an evil devil.

Meet me. Talk to you later. They wind up, he winds up kidnapping all the bears, right? But this is what gets most of them. He gets most of them. No, no, but then the rest, they have a little Congress, right? Oh, yeah. There is a care bear summit that happens, complete with.

Care Bear Deus, Care Bear United Nations. And they just, they make a plan. They all get caught because they're like the Joker in the, in Dark Night.

The only thing they had were stars and lit inside their pockets. That's right. And then a fat guy's stomach exploded. That's it. You know,

Grumpy Bear at his cell phone stuffed inside of them. Oh, no, I'm vibrating. Braveheart with his head out the side of a squad car. Taking in the breeze. Well, here's the thing about Grumpy Bear, which bothers me.

Cloud Squad car. Sorry. Of course. Everybody else, you know, oh, I'm true heart. I love true feelings. I'm brave heart. I love brave feelings. They got all these, like, positive things.

Like, unfortunately, Grumpy Bear, you're cursed with feeling like shit all the time. Yep. And that's it. That's your life. I bet that was like a punishment issued by the Star God. Uh-huh. You know? Like at one point.

He's just like, you're going to be grumpy forever. Oh, do you think he was like cheerful bear? And then like he mouthed off to the star god. He was like, well, oh, yeah. Try this shit on Versailles. You'll never feel good again. You know why, Eric? He asked one question.

Why do we have to follow you? That's it. Oh, totally. Now you feel like shit forever. And you got off pretty fucking light. I cut these stars tongues out for way less. he'll never smile again but he'll never die he'll just be unhappy for eternity

it's miserable and he's just like I feel terrible he's like a depression commercial but there's no fucking no no medication to put this bear on not one thing and you know you're introducing this I want to see his wrists open up at some point the needle in the hay starts

playing grumpy bear opens himself up it's like you show a gun on the first act it's better go off by the third I assume so Oh, yeah. That's how storytelling works. Yeah, that is Chekhov Bear's rule, right? Yeah.

Well, so True Heart, Noble Heart, realized that they fucked up, by the way, because they get to, like, Mordor, and they're like, oh, fuck, it's a shadow. Yes. Well, we've been duped for weeks and have to, like, haul ass back to care a lot. There's a bunch of homeless people living in their house now. Hey, Crystal, wake up. I'll just pick up my girlfriend. whatever but so

they they get there on they get caught on purpose they use their powers to get out of these locks or whatever and like the whole point is now we got them right where we want them right because they're like locked in cages yeah we're not locked in here with him he's locked in here

with us right exactly right but so now reminder from earlier like the camp is destroyed yeah I don't know where the rest of the kids who aren't characters in the movie are no you don't see them in cages you think that would happen though he's going to escalate from care bears to children

lock them all up it's like the uh what was it the sacrament yeah that's been going on tie west the sacrament has happened there's a couple of guys on this campground that are trying to film a documentary about everything you have vices there aren't these care bears really fucked up vice dot com Yeah. And so they like break out and they're like, Now we're going to get you, dark heart. And he's like, oh yeah. How about I'm going to take all of these lovable bear characters

and stick you inside rubies and hang you from a chandelier. What the fuck? What a twisted thing to do to somebody. Dude, it's pretty twisted. And this is a G-rated movie that, you know, I got kids here. And you're shoving souls and rubies and making them fucking bejewel a lighting fixture? Holy shit. And dark, the other two come back and they're like, hey, where are all of our friends?

He's like, do you like my new chandelier? He's like, you sick fuck. You sick fuck. You know, we're not that different, you and I. Adds a champagne fluid over. Cut to like a close-up of one of these little rubies. it's like a carabare's screaming in pain and slamming on it. Oh, it's brutal.

Yeah. I think Ernest Scared Stupid borrowed from this movie. Oh, do they get something? Oh, there is some sort of stuck into something, right? Kids into like Little Wooden Dolls, I think. Oh, yeah. I think that's what the little troll is doing. Oh, yeah.

So when I was a kid, I thought. Stupid was the character? Yeah. I thought so too. Looks like we were stupid. Yeah. I've never seen that movie. Oh, it's, well, stupid, fittingly.

Strap in, maybe spectacular next year. I had class. Oh, yeah, heaven forbid. I couldn't tell, though. So at this point, I think Darkhart says the only way to get them out there is if they give him the launch codes, is that? It's either launch codes or it's like the president's thumbprint to unleash these, you know, missiles. Yeah. But so, by the way, remember that Christy is, before she was Camp Champ, she was a marble moron. And so she takes out like her marble. Well, John and Dawn like go up, they confront her. They're like, hey, look.

Oh, right. Yeah, they have an intervention. We're besieged by two powers. One are called the care bears. And the dude you're working with is called Darkheart. What do you think's going to happen, Christy? You know what, Christy? This shit's a little self-explanatory. She's like, yeah, but if I go with them, then I'm not Camp Champ anymore. And they're like, what the fuck are you even talking about? The rest of the camp is fucking dead, Chrissy. There is no camp to be champ of. Look around, Christy.

We're camping on ashes. And they turn to the left, and it's the girl at the end of Sleepaway Camp going, like, oh, yeah, I don't want to be camp. Just purring, holding a capitated head with her huge dick. It's just like, oh, I guess maybe I shouldn't be camp champ of this camp after all. I don't want to be champ at this camp. Yikes. Yeah, why does she become feral at the end of that movie? She's just so fucking hopped up on the bloodlust, I think, at that point.

I think she's just been drinking blood that whole movie. Those sequels are terrible, and that's also not a great movie. None of them are good. So she's like, oh, I guess I should give up the limited talent I got out of this deal. So she goes there And yes, she has a marble She throws a marble at the thing At the chandelier

And here's a question If I Andrew, if I ever get sucked Inside of a chandelier I got you so far Don't just assume Breaking it is going to break me out Because that could kill me

That's the last thing I would do Honestly Either way that's doing you a favor Though Yeah, I guess kind of it is But like I don't know What that's going to do I don't know the physics

Of someone's soul Inside of a chandelier Yeah, and I would say to that, like, I'd get your ruby, and I'd take it home, I'd be like, Steve, are you in pain? And you'd be like, no, I'm fine. And I'd be like, okay, I'm going to do all I can to try to figure out how to safely get you out of there and not just smash it with a hammer. Exactly. Yeah, you've got to take them to race dance his bookshop. See if there's some type of a spell.

It's that or Outworld that gets Shang-sung on this thing. Oh, yeah. It's one or the other, I feel. You're getting tricked no matter what. But so, yeah, they break it down. and obviously they all pop out, you know, happiest clams. And we've got to do. No lasting scars, but maybe emotional damage, probably. Possibly. I mean, we'll never know. We'll have to wait for the sequel.

And they start Care Bear staring Darkheart again. And he, like, lets off this laser beam thing or something and just shoots Christy right in the fucking face and kills her. Well, because that's the thing. He's like, I'm not, if I'm going down, I'm taking, I know I can kill one person in this place. Yes. Here's the thing is, it's not killing her because she's, like, frozen in this. prism and he flips the fuck out because then he realizes the error of his ways and he says like where i sent her she's she was like she was like beamed into hell it's something like that and like he knows what it ever whatever it is he did he knows what it is and he knows where she went i can't believe i did this like i can't believe where i sent her you're right that's the line that's to hell also by the way eric if you're in hell you're dead the girl it's a dead child

But like the body is in suspended animation. There's a possibility of bringing it back. Meanwhile, she's being tortured by Hellraiser. And as we know about hell, time works differently there. So she's been in hell for like 200 years at this point. Her skin gets pulled off every morning by a laughing Cenobite. Absolutely. The Cenobites go nuts on her.

You know, am I the only one that like the animation here around, unless she's like encased in some sort of crystalline, whatever? Doesn't she look like a delicious piece of hard candy? Yeah, well, she looks like a jolly rancher. When you say encased in whatever, they have one, I would call it a special effect in this movie, which is the glowing animation. They do it for Dark Heart's Eyes, which is like this pinkish light that they use. You'll see it in Ninja Turtles a lot, similar animation styles.

Yeah. They just kind of put that over her frame. You know what I mean? Like it's not like she's in a bubble or anything. It's just like glowing. Yeah, she's just glowing all over. Yeah, and she looks like a delicious watermelon jolly rancher. So they, at this point, audience, you guys better be, you can't, you're not a passive audience in this film.

Oh, you're not off the hook. You're complicit in this. It's like a Michael Hanneke movie. It's your fault this happened. Oh, hey, Dad, you're about to put your coat on trying to get these kids out of the theater and into the car before the rest of the people try to leave? I don't think so. You better sing a fucking song first. Because the care bears need your help. So, yeah, they're like, oh, if only we had more people that could care, we don't have enough caring. And then the two, Don and John show up and they're like, oh, shit, she's dead.

They're like, no, no, calm down, guys. And then Eric Stoltz is like, why'd you bring a fucking O.D. bitch in my house. Get my little black medical book. And by this time, Darkheart is also like, Care Bears, you got to fucking help me. I fucked up. Yeah, yeah, I can't believe it, man. And it's, it's, we're stealing right from Peter Pan here. and it's like we all

I'm fucking stupid yeah I think that happens in Peter Pan I'm a fucking idiot I'm so fucking stupid I fucking killed her oh she's dead Jack she's dead

oh no that's not what it happens they yell at the camera they show a dark heart prison later he's getting slapped in the face by so big dude but you know he deserves it because he's a rotten piece of shit Yeah, no, totally.

No, they start doing the whole, like, do you care? Tell us if you care. And this care bear is breaking the fucking fourth wall, spike in this camera. So unprofessional. Well, it's amazing because have you ever watched, I mean, flip through like Dora the Explorer and like, that whole show's talking to kids. It's amazing when you watch those things and don't participate because it's like,

come on, where's the fox? Guys, can you see it? It's right there. Dude, so much fucking dead air in those things. It's weird as hell. That's what this is. It's like, come on, you want to help it.

I'm just sitting in my house drinking beer. I'm a 32-year-old man drinking beer watching the Care Bears. You know what? Care Bears, good luck with all that. God, we are just a couple of losers. All the people that like this movie or think that it's weird that we're doing this as an episode, you're right.

You're right. We're not... We're just a bunch of beer-swilling losers. She's watching it. A couple of dark hearts. No, we're fucking pulling the veil off this thing, man. This is a weird movie that is not for kids by any stretch of the imagination. So she comes back to life.

Big surprise. Even though I didn't do shit in my house. I don't know about you guys. Maybe you guys were yelling. I didn't. I yelled. That's what happened. I went to the bathroom and took a leak.

So I brought her back. I think you were the one responsible. I brought her back. Well, you know. like 10 year old girls like 40 something well me in 1987 or 1998 brought her back okay fair enough you helped i definitely watched the funny thing is though i don't think as a kid i mean like my sister would put this on a lot like we had it on a lot at the house i don't think we were ever yelling at the tv that's a one and done that part you know what i mean yeah like i don't think we ever did it though

it's like just fucking end it you got to be really young and it's got to be like your first viewing. Sure. By the time you're watching the tape again, I don't think so. I know what's going to have. My mom, my mom. Shut up. Shut up. She's going to come back to life. I'm not going to say shit. Yeah, there she is. She's fine. See? It's all a hoax. So she comes back to life somehow in all of this dark heart becomes a real boy and I was like, I didn't know

this was a Pinocchio tale. It's bizarre. Well, after she comes back to life, all the good magic turns him into a real boy? And I'm like, is that like a curse for him? Like, because like, that's, like, that's, What's not what he wanted. That wasn't his goal. No. Because then Braveheart's like, hey, noble heart, true heart. He's finally mortal.

Kill him. Kill him. I'm starving. Rour. So they bludgeon him to death and rocks. What's weird about this, though, is they're like, now you're a real boy. He has no name. Yeah.

He's got no name. He's got no parents. I mean, there are no parents in this world. And his eyes are normal now? His eyes turn blue because he's good. Yeah. Damn right. I think.

I guess. I think the idea here is now him and Christy walk off into the sense. Oh, yeah, don't worry about it. Like the final scene, they're holding hands. They're going on to a date. They're going on a date to Tim Hortons. Hey, you want to go get a donut or something? Also, I believe that this is...

I'm not evil anymore. I'm Canadian. The exact opposite of evil. It would be great if they hold hands. and then like there's really bizarre cartoon making out and then schools out for summer plays and then credits. Because there's no parents, there's no law. Oh, that song is like a thousand times better

than the best song in this movie. Oh, it ends with like some weird rendition of Forever Young that creep the skin off of me. But it's not like the Dylan song Forever Young. No, it's just a song where they're also saying Forever Young. It's the same refrain, but different. words. It's fucking stupid. The Stinger scene in the end of the credits, where

Thanos visits the camp and picks up Dark Hearts Infinity Stone. Oh, yeah. That fell out of his brain when they made him a real boy. Yeah. Six more movies. That's going to be explained. Don't worry. Yeah. Yeah, that'll pay off. Don't worry. Put it on a staff and then, I don't know, fart galaxies. But so that happens and then like

They all go skinny dipping. They all go skinny. Well, they're not skinny dipping, but not skinny dipping, but Well, it's strongly implied. Because the boys, I agree, because the girls are wearing pants and the boys, you can't see anything. It's just these like... Nips out, man. Yeah, nips out everywhere, man.

We've got a little dark heart nip. And the kids, you know, the care bears are swimming and shit. You know those animals are all pissing in that lake, not for nothing. Oh, yeah, they're pissing and shitting. And they go up and there's a star. Koresh star is like, well, that was a fun adventure, wasn't it, kids? I guess he's doomed to be a boy for all eternity. That's what happens when you fuck with God.

Oh, that's, oh, that's why I'm, that's why I became a boy. Yeah. Now, sorry, kids, I'd like to tell you another story, but I have to go arm the Taliban. See you later. But then, because this is like, that's an hour, and this is an hour and 16 minute movies. Then there's, then there's, then there's the Ferber Young song happens. And it's just them kind of just shitting around for four minutes. Oh, yeah.

We're just killing time. Yeah, we're running time off the clock. We've got the ball, and we're doing running plays. And parents all over the country are fucking livid that this was described to them as a movie. Exactly. And it's just a toy commercial. It's just a toy commercial. Oh, woof.

Woof and a half. Clearly nobody will recommend this movie. Because this was kind of an animation damnation. Was anyone embarrassed watching this? Yeah, that's true. No, I was just astounded at how inappropriate this is for children. Yeah, I was pretty embarrassed. It's just, it's not a, it's one of those things where, uh, with cartoons, like this, especially like toy cartoons where, you know, all we're trying to do is sell toys. Yeah. Don't complicate things with weird mythologies. Just get those toys into nice, easily defined toy adventures. Get in, get out, we're done. I don't want to know about your, your space palace. I don't want to know about, you know, about, you know, who's shit and where. I just want to get over with it. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Yeah, no, I'm, the thing is, like, I thought this would be a great episode, and I remember, like, oh, that dark art stuff's pretty badass. And then I watch it, I'm instantly getting embarrassed. I mean, I don't know about embarrassed, but it is just like, and I don't have anything against the care bears either. Like, it's a fine franchise for little kids to watch, and it's all about, like, being good and accepting people, as far as I remember.

but like this movie like you're retconning this origin story just so you can introduce a cub line of toys you fucking scumbags to your point Andrew though that's a good point like there's no values here there should be there should be like the only value is kind of like don't be a dick about sports

I guess like that's the only lesson to be learned but it's all but the yeah I guess so but it's also like hey being good at sports is actually the coolest thing ever it's kind of a mixed mess I don't need a Faustian bargain. I just tell me like, you know, oh, sharing is great. That's fantastic.

Well, I think that's part of the thing, right? The message is ultimately do it on your own. Don't let the devil help you. And if anything, the message is let the devil die. Yeah. Watch the devil die. Every time. Because otherwise, you know,

he's going to put you in a fucking ruby chandelier. Then where you're at? Where are you at, Steve? In a ruby chandelier against my will. That could be like a later. or Dylan song The Ruby Chandelier Stunt for all

eternity in a ruby chandelier That's Care Bears too A New Generation Directed Directed by Dale Schott If you want to get a hold of us Check out our website

WHMpodcast.com Or find us over on Sideshownetwork.com There's nothing to fear In my Ruby Chandelier Like us on Facebook and find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

We are at WHM Podcasts. And, of course, right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show, wherever you get it, by the way. Haven't said that in a while. A little WHM Street Team. Spread the word about the show.

Like, if you get the show via the podcast app or the iTunes, hey, that's a great place to do it. And we're actually demanding it now. And right into the mailbag as well, right? Oh, I said that. Oh, sorry. It's a good second reminder.

We do mailbag episodes every month So you want to get your letters on the air Right in What's the what cartoon Scared the shit out of you as a kid That's a little There's a little check mark there Oh that's totally a good call

So of course There's no clue for next week's episode Or is it the one before I might win Star Wars week So that's the first Oh we got something Oh it's our big anniversary show coming Oh shit

So what's the clue for that Should we do a big obvious clue? Yeah go for it you do it station station station so until next week with station i'm andrew jupin stephen saida eric cisco ruby chandelier