We Hate Movies - S6 Ep229: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

On this week's episode, Star Wars Week continues here at We Hate Movies as the guys talk about the much-longer-than-Star Wars Star Wars film, Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones! Marvel at the horrendous dialogue! Be confused by the convoluted plot! And stick around for the outdated special effects! PLUS: Turns out Cliegg Lars is the biggest slime ball in the galaxy. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones stars Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Frank Oz, and Ian McDiarmid; directed by George Lucas. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to another edition of We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Now, this is Star Wars Week, here on We Hate Movies. Oh, my God, it's out on Friday.

It is. It's coming out, man. I mean, people are probably going to be seeing it, like, what, Wednesday afternoon? Whatever the thing is. Why are we even saying movies are coming out on Fridays when we're not doing that anymore? I can't do the midnight thing anymore. I'm done. I'm an old man.

It's happened. The world has passed me by. Yep. I'm falling asleep, no matter what it is. Yeah, I, I, um, last one I sort of did it for was Age of Ultron. I went by myself. Uh, I had a tall glass of water, went by myself. An obese security guard sat next to me and fell asleep through the whole movie.

Uh, and I was like, you know what? This is the last time I'm doing this. I'm not enjoying this. This movie's only okay to begin with. And I'm tired. Then you're getting out at three o'clock in the morning. Who needs it? Anyways.

Yeah. This is Star Wars. week. You can also buy our Sithmentary out now. That's out now. So you listen to this thing. You're like, hey, I like on these guys talk about these shitty Star Wars prequels. I wish they did that Revenge of the Sith piece of shit.

Right. So we, it's a sinkable commentary track throughout the entire running time. Holy God of Revenge of the Sith. Now, we're talking two hours and 23 minutes. It's horrible. See, it's horrible, but we'll get you through it.

You sit around with us. And we'll talk about the movie. Oh, the movies, yeah, I should have specified. The movie's horrible. Yes. We're fantastic. Oh, it's hilarious. Oh, it's always.

The best. Honestly, the best in the biz. So today's episode, by the way, Star Wars, Episode 2, Attack of the Clones from 2002. 2000. Directed by George Lucas. Written and directed by George Lucas. I wrote it all.

Oh, you can thank me later. Gobble, Gobble. Coming out with a movie. It's called Attack of the Clones. Man. Stupid title. Do you guys remember when Ewan McGregor was first told the title of this film? Oh my God.

He's doing like press from Ellen Rouge and burst out laughing. Yeah, because he didn't know the title until a reporter told him and he just started laughing. How does that, I mean, so that movie was like done, he'd made it? Yeah, it was just episode two and they didn't. Oh, that's what they just, oh, so he is. So here we are on the set of. episode two everybody that's what it was yeah you know what oh there is some scripts floating around because he's like so upset about the fan reaction to phantom menace he's like well i guess i'll

just call it jar jar's big adventure oh man did he say that yeah yeah what a snarky bitch man way to go george yeah yeah whatever this movie by the way you want to talk this should be called star wars episode two course correction oh big because like it's there's so much like haphazard story cutting and like making things around because that first one does nothing for this trilogy. In retrospect. Zero. It's disingenuous

to call this a trilogy. There's nothing, yeah. I mean, there's nothing about that first movie that carries over at all, aside from the fact that that first movie has a character named Obi-One Canobi, another named Anakin Skywalker. And Quigon Jin, as we

recall in the Sithmetry, I believe at the end of episode three, it's mentioned, like, you got to go hang out, go find him on Tatooine or whatever. He's in the ghost world or some shit. Yeah, but that's it. Nothing else carries over, man. Like, we go back to the same sets at one point in this movie to see old what's his name, the, uh, the racist money lender character.

Oh, thank God we had to check in with him. Oh, sure, dude. What we were going to do if you didn't know what Wado was up to? It's been 10 years. What's that been 10 years? In the story, it's 10 years. Oh, okay, right. Yeah, no, it was only four long years in between the two Star Wars movies.

Oh, my God. The stuff on Tatooine on this is, oh, boy. Oh, you're getting caught in a spider's web of running, spinning your wheels, rather. Speaking of spinning your wheels, and also speaking of a TV trope of ours, longer than Star Wars, this movie is the longest Star Wars film ever made. That's true. It's even longer than Force Awakens, which is shocking because in 2015, it's like a, against the law to have a movie that's under

two hours and 25 minutes. They'll tax you. It's kind of like when you do like in a basketball team you get the luxury tax. Like if your movies lasted two hours and 25 minutes you get a little bit of a luxury tax there. And I was realizing today, because I watched this like two weeks

ago, took some notes on it and vowed never to watch it again. So I was waiting for you guys to come over and I just put it on again because I break promises about never watching movies again all the time. And what I was thinking about was you know how everybody was like Oh, the reason, like, those Marvel movies are so smart is because now they're finding ways to make different kinds of movies within the universe.

So, like, Ant Man is a heist movie, Guardians of the Galaxy is a space opera. Captain America 2 is like an intrigue, 70s political thriller type thing. I feel like that's what he's trying to do with this movie. He's trying to make episode 2 a political thriller. Yeah. And fucking fart in my face.

That's the worst idea ever. I want some fucking Star Wars. He's doing both. is the first act, if you want to call it that, or the first, like, 48 minutes. I call them chapters. It's kind of like a noir thing. There's a lot of shady blinds going on.

And there's, you know, some political, but sort of in the middle, we're just in, you know, we're just doing Star Wars. But so we start with Natalie Portman. Now, Senator Amadala is... So her rank of queen does not carry over. She has been... Because apparently it's an elected title on Nabu.

Elected royalty, whatever. Like, do you know what words mean, George Lucas? Do you know what it means when you call somebody a queen or a king? Or at least, like, say that in the first one. Like, oh, I'm the queen because blah-bitty blah, and that's it. And then four years later, I'm not going to be a queen no more. Right. Or, you know, something.

I got a quick thing that will make us not talk about this movie. Good, thank God. I was reading The Shattered Empire comic that leads up to the Force Awakens. Oh, sick. One kind of, they, unfortunately, Nabu is all over it. But in an interesting way, apparently. Is it being blown up by a new death star? Kind of.

Oh. The emperor after his death institutes Operation Cinder, and he instructs all these people to do. Basically, this Imperial Fleet shows up and starts, like, creating all these hurricanes and destroying Nabu. Oh, wow. So thank you, Disney, for taking us to somewhat destroyed Nabu. Yeah, that's pretty great. Now, let me ask you this. If I don't read these comics,

am I going to be lost? You're fine. You're fine. You'll be fine. These are for pudgy fingers only, my friend. Everybody knows well enough, at least now, that supplemental material needs to be supplemental. And I'm looking at you, General Grievous.

Listen to our sentimentary because that guy annoys the piss out of me. Well, we're starting with an assassination attempt. Yes. It's Natalie Portman. She lands. We're in our big city planet. You see, Stephen, there was a attempt on her beautiful life. And this looks like shit. It's just an explosion of the ship or whatever.

It just blows up. And this is my question about it. So, like, she's not a queen anymore, right? None of the other galactic Senate senators are riding around with, like, pretending to be somebody else. She's still pretending to be somebody else. How many people need to die? for this lady to live you know what I mean like it's like oh my god you think of the first thing oh my god I'm a doll got killed but oops it's another one of her dupes yeah and you know what

no good leader has dupes this is some Saddam Hussein Hitler shit that's very true what is she doing on that planet I know wow that's totally true man you never actually you know what the film Dave with Kevin Klein that's the one time there was a dupe you remember that movie yeah but Frank La Jello was fanned to menacing that whole thing so you You can't even, you can't even say that he's a good dupe. Dude, at the end of that movie where you see the real Kevin Klein in like a fucking iron lung futuristic chamber thing. Love it. Stupid city.

So, because of this, there's a meeting between Senator Palpatine or Supreme Chancellor Palpatine at this point. You know, whatever his business card says these days. And the Jedi Council, and by Jedi Council, I mean Mace Windu, Yoda, and three guys. that never get to talk in any of these movies and I'll never know their names because they're never given names. We got Eggplant head guy, the cone head, who's in all of these movies.

Forgive me, George, for not buying the playing cards. Yo, honestly, like, who... That's my big problem with all these movies. Once pencils are down, you're like, wait, I don't know what the Jedi's are. I still don't. No idea. And by the way, why?

Why? Why? I was going to say you're getting a little hamburger-esque. Why? Why is there so many gleep-glops aliens? Like, I don't want to look at a motion blur on a Photoshop. Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm not going anywhere with this except into a pit of rage. Wait, which gleep-clops are you talking about? Because this is Star Wars, king of the gleep-glops. It's king of the gleep-glops, but they used to know where to put them. In bars and space bars? Are you raciously saying a gleep-clops? Glob alien can't be a Jedi, Eric? No, because

I'm fine with certain ones. Only the good ones, I guess. Yoda's one of the good ones. No, he is, because I like the puppets, I like the costumes. My problem with these movies is absolutely nothing looks real, and it ages badly. There's no, there's no goddamn

sets in these movies. No, and that's a real problem with this movie in particular, because 2002 was a rough time for CGI still. Like, I think in Revenge of the Sith, it's totally fine. Like, 10 years out from that movie, it pretty much holds up, okay? It's still annoying that you're just watching green screen the motion picture. But, like, I think the best sort of guide you can give yourself for these things is Yoda.

And Yoda in this movie looks way cartoonish. Oh, my God, yes. Like, they're in a meeting after the assassination attempt, and Natalie Portman comes in. He's like, oh, warmed my heart that you didn't die. And it's just like this cartoon, like I could fucking draw it better. Like also as if Yoda gives the shit about Senator Amadala. Oh, absolutely not.

This is what, he's like one of the third most powerful man in the galaxy. He, right. In this point of his life, he is king, shit. He's the top of the heap. Yeah, no, it's totally true. He doesn't have time to be like oh, some senator didn't die. Do you know all the senators? In that chamber?

If Mays Windows is like, oh, that's Senator Amadala, she, uh, he gives her like a little like assistant briefing. He's like, We sent her a Christmas card. Enjoy the Christmas card you did, right? Did you enjoy my brandy? I said, oh, it's actually whiskey. I mean, whiskey, I said to.

And, man, he is a, you know, like, you're thinking back, like, oh, man, watching Empire, like, ooh, I wonder what it was like when Yoda was calling the shots. Yeah. Apparently, he was a doofus. Because he walked, the general. The Jedi are dumb as donkey shit. Exactly. They can sense anything, but they're sitting next to the devil in this sea.

Like the devil is sitting there, radiating hate. Like you can smell it on them. Oh, sure. So Obi-Wan and Darth Vader can sense each other. Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, can sense each other from, you know. Planets away. Yeah, practically, right? Like they're passing in ships.

And he's just like, oh, boy, I feel Darth Vader's over there. Yeah, he's like, I'm ruining the mission. I shouldn't have come here. And then, like, when Luke's on fucking Endor, and he's like, my son is down there, I can send him. It's like Palpatine, like, dumping a lot of cologne on him or something? Dude, I think it's forced cologne. You can just get that force musk on you. It covers it right up.

Oh, axe is good on you. Smells like shit he does. Well, guarantee. Beaves in it, he must. Dude, in this fucking galaxy. He gets ladies from it, though. Palpatine gets all. all the ladies. In this galaxy, I guarantee you it smells like shit. And there has to be a universal

scent. It's just like we were talking about universal time zones. You know, with all the planets in the galaxy, right? It's the same thing. Like, they have to have a universal smell because I know Wookie's smell like shit. Yep. I'm looking at you, Charmin ads. You told me all about it. You know what I mean? Like, it's something you're putting on these people. So, uh, Yoda, because he cares so much about Padmae is like for some reason she's such an important senator that they put Obi-Wan Kenobi who is like the Michael Jordan of Jedi's at this

point, right? And yeah, he's not in the council but he's like really making shit happen. He's like he's like the hot shit guy right now and his A number one, his Scotty Pippen which is Anakin Skywalker and he puts them on

Padme for security details. Security detail. But also stupid move. He is a past relationship with her. Like, it's just going to get in the way, obviously. But also, why does he not sense that Anakin is a piece of shit? Here's the thing that they do sense it. Him and Obi-Wan and Mace Windy were all like,

that kid is a piece of shit. He's arrogant and crazy. And he's going to be the death of us all. But let him be a Jedi anyway. I love that because it's like this catty scene that happens in the middle of the movie where they're all like, oh, that kid is arrogant. like ooh and it's all it's all

obi one think tears it's all Obi-1 canobi's fault yeah started at the the seed of this whole thing by quigon jinn where's your fucking dumbass fan video about how quigon jinn was actually a Sith lord and engineered this whole thing and let me fucking put a stop to that right now

this jar jar binks shit horse crap just you know what stop trying to find ways to make these movies good just accept that they're fucking terrible and get on with your life. I agree. There's a little bit of backlash to the backlash going on right now where articles are like,

they're not as bad as you think. I just watched all three of these pieces. And like, I've grown up. I'm not like hurt by these movies. They don't hurt my feelings. You know what I mean? Like I'm a grown ass man and I'm like, these movies are not good movies.

They're just bad movies. It's technically bad. Yes. Like you can like, listen, it's all right to like a movie. And if you really have to like this one, geez. But I can see, like, your nostalgia, you're like, oh, my God, I was like an unimaginable nine years old or something when this came out. I was, oh, I was on my first date to go see Attack of the Clones. And I was making out with Betsy Johansson in the back of the theater.

My God, Attack of the Clones was a good movie. Clouded, Your Judgment is. Yes. Knock it off. These are bad movies. I mean, we don't really have to go plot by play. Well, this movie's two hours and 99 minutes. Now, but see, so I, two hours and 99 minutes.

It's actually about three and a half hours. There is a detail, there is a detail that I wanted to put out that we don't have to go bit by bit with the plot because we would die, yeah, of thirst and starvation. But when that explosion happens, an amazing thing that I noticed rewatching it, R2D2 is like on the landing pad and this thing blows sky high and that motherfucker doesn't flinch. get your listicle together R2D2 Sith Lord Fan theory yeah I think he's a terrorist He does attempt to murder C3Pio

Oh he does for no reason Because he hates his guts I guess He just pushes him off That's the reason because it's C3Pio Yeah Dude if I was in this universe I would try an attempt at that robot's life Every turn I had

No I would not ease useful He's fluent in over what six million Six million forms of communication I know But you could build another robot to do that. One that's not as obnoxious. But if you're reading, actually, I'm really enjoying the Darth Vader series that Marvel's putting out. Oh, I'm missing all these.

It's really good. These cartoon books. There's an evil C3PO and it's awesome. He's like black and he talks about murdering people all the time. Yeah, he's like a torturer. What was his name? Like, zero, something's zero zero. Yeah, I forget.

Wattud, D2. Yeah. And he's also got an evil R2D2 next gym. So, like, every so often, it'll be like, beep-de-bib-b-de-v-v-v-oo. And he's like, that's right, let's kill them. It's like, really, it's, oh, I was, I'm sorry, I was listening incorrectly. I thought you had initially said it was an evil R2D2, and I was like, how's he talking? Oh, it's an evil 3PO and an evil R2?

And he's got, like, red eyes. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are these in, um, what do you call? Yeah. They got at least one out. Oh, yeah, volume one's out now.

Because I can't do this single issue stuff. I just can't keep that much paper in my house. I tried. It'll break the bank. It broke the bank, and I now have to wait for trades. Let me bring this up as another thing to just kind of... We'll jump around all through this movie. We'll be macro with this. Yeah. I've got to go macro, not micro.

Jimmy Smiths? What are we thinking? Oh, well, yeah, that fucking sex offender, that's walking across this movie. Is he a sex offender? The character movie. I think we've mentioned it on the Sithman Terry, but I think he's into some shady things. He said that every time he comes up to someone in these movies, he looks like he's approaching someone for casual sex.

Yeah, because he's the only guy driving around in, like, this casual convertible. He's got, like, leather pants on or something. Well, that's something I want to mention. Corrissant, you would think, is, like, Space New York. It's more like Space Miami. You know what I mean? It is totally more Space Miami. A lot of hot lights, a lot of hot nights on Corrason.

Yep, exactly. Let's get into the hot nights. The club scene, oh, my goodness, when Obi-Wan is offered death sticks in that bar? Oh, yeah. Woof. Oh, man. Yeah. I get it, George Lucas. You don't like smoking. Okay, yeah. So there's that, this character, also terrible performance. Yeah. Well, that goes to that thing. If you're watching Attack of the Clone. Did you guys, do you guys know the name of this character?

No. Obi-1 Canobi? I didn't get the trading card. Well, what is it? Well, they actually made an action figure of the guy who tries to sell death sticks to Obi-1 Canobie. Why? Who's buying it? That's a Star Wars tradition. All those guys were given names. And IG 88 was an IG 88 until the action figure came out. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. And, you know, I kind of get it, but they went too far with the prequels.

And, by the way, this is, I think, without a doubt, the worst name in Star Wars history. In the entire galaxy far, far away? Yes. Now, you know the character. He's a drug dealer. Let me family, Louis Anderson family feud it for you. All right. We asked 100 people.

The worst name in Star Wars. of history is Bing! Elon Slees Bagano. Oh, shut up. Oh, seriously. There is an action figure.

Slees bag a know. And it's Slees, spelled exactly like Slees. Uh-huh. Bag. Aga-no. Does he come with death sticks? If I'm buying it, he better have some death sticks.

No, I think that's a choking hazard. Oh, okay. Oh, man. Stupid kids ruin everything. Or some fall asleep pills or whatever else he's He's got this slees bag. He's got a lot of broken condomos in his bag. It's like he was born to become a drug dealer.

Yeah, exactly. And, you know, he's baggin' oh, man. And you know what? If someone wants to spend their days on Coruscant doing death sticks, who am I to thumb my nose? Exactly. Exactly right. You know what, Obi-Wan, take your opinions and get the hell out of here. Not all of us were born attuned to the force.

Totally. We got to get high some other way. Oh, shit. Attuned to the Force, that's O.T. Excuse me. Chalk full of Metaclorians, I guess is what we have to say now. No Medi-Clorian mentioned in this one. I think maybe in the third one it pops up. There's a little bit in the third one, yeah. We just kind of drop it in to try to legitimize it again. I'm thinking the Force Awakens might just drop that all together. I don't think they're going to say it.

No. Why would you? I would be very surprised if they did. How many, do we know offhand just to talk about Force Awakens for a second? how many years into the future it's supposed to be from Jedi? 30. Is it 30? And even 30. Okay. Cool. Sorry.

No, no, it's okay. I mean, this whole scene with the bar and the whatever and there's that that shape shifter, it's like we're trying to do Blade Runner a little bit. We're trying to do Blade Runner big time. And it's like the high levels of Korskant, like up in the sky,

like that's where like the 1%ers all live up here. But when you get down to street level, It's fucking Blade Runner Town. Now, here's my thing, too, about this bar scene. It's one of the only times in the movie where it's like an almost fully constructed set. It's like, it's the set with the least amount of CGI. Hayden Christensen actually said, reported like, that was my favorite scene to shoot because I was on a set. And I could see what the fuck I'm doing.

But what is amazing is that there were higher production values on the saved by the bell set of the max than there are at this stupid club that they go to. It looks like a trashy fan film. Well, we'll fill it in later. Yeah, they fucking forgot. We'll fill it in later. They forgot. Here's something. Why is Obi-Wan so apt to rip people's arms off?

Like, somebody, the, the shapeshifter pulls a gun on him, cuts the arm off. Like, can you just force push it and, like, force push that out of the whatever? There's not enough of these guys using, like, force physics. Like, I would be force-phisicking every which way. Yes. and unfortunately I'll tell you it's a fourth-fifth thing I want that too

but I can't believe that's going on in these this blade runner side of coursecon by the way they George rather rather show us force jumping non-stop which I think Luke Skywalker only does once in empire it's an empire when he

jumps out of the thing before it's awesome yeah it's totally cool less is more I don't need to see him jump jumping everywhere unless they can fly If you want to make them fly Don't make them fly But theoretically you should be able to fly

It would be very difficult I think Because you're just kind of like Wobble and wobbling kind of Well one could one Jedi make another Jedi fly You know what I mean? I think you definitely Well like Yoda could probably make the whole legion If Yoda could lift the fucking plane out of the swan

Well the Luke lifts 3PO in Return of the Jedi So yes it's conceivably it could be done There should be more of it though If you're having them jump all over the place Like the Mario brothers You know what I know we're trying not to do it, but we have to. Let's talk about Hayden Christensen.

Okay. All right. We really have been spending a lot of time not doing it. That plankle would? He's not good in this movie. No. He's not good in the next movie. And you know what?

Really the thing is like the way this character is written, especially in this movie, most of all, is I'm like, my brain is trying to crawl out of my skull with how creepy and weird he is. He's just like, I've been thinking about you every day since I met you. He's watching her sleep at one point, and, you know, Obi-Wan's like, oh, why did you turn off the, why did you turn off the camera? He's like, I guess you didn't like me watching her sleep. And it's like, yeah, dude, I wouldn't either. Yeah, totally. He's the biggest psychopath ever. He's got a real McVeigh vibe going on in this whole movie.

Pat May had to be like, you know what? I'm going to turn the cameras off. You can get your robot in here to watch me sleep. Because R2 is standing at the foot of the bed just like. Like, fucking watching her rest, you know. But she knows that- Can I get that tape later? Exactly.

She knows that he's not going to start robot jerking off in her bedroom. But can you imagine, though? He's like, I've been thinking about you every day, like, since we left or whatever. Yeah. You left. And so that means guaranteed she was definitely his first jerk-off fantasy. I guess that's what that means. Yeah, I mean, you're totally right.

I mean, and probably only, I guess. You know, I'm so glad these questions are being answered, George, because when I saw Darth Vader invade that ship at the start of a new hope, I was like, I wonder what that guy jerked off to first. Oh, sure. Dude, we're asking the hard-hitting questions here on We Hate Movies. She even says to him, I wrote down this line of dialogue. She said, like they're talking about, oh, we haven't seen you in so long, blah, blah, blah.

And she goes, you'll always be a little boy to me? Gross, because she marries him at the end. By the way, they get legally married at the end of this movie. And that's what I love. 3PO and R2D2 are the fucking only witnesses to the arrangement. It's a bizarre set of circumstances where they can't be together because of Jedi whatever, which is never explained at all. It's just like the priesthood, like Catholic priesthood, like vow of celibacy for no reason. Why can't a Jedi knight go around fucking?

You know who was fucking? The Knights of the Roundtable? They were fucking six ways from Sunday. And they were great at being knights. Yeah. These nights are terrible. You know why? abstaining from fucking.

Yeah. You know what? I think you're on to something. Totally. You can't just have these Jedi jerking off in the bathroom every morning. It gets them all like crazy. It does. It's the path to the dark side.

It's, it's, it's, it's this bizarre thing where he can't have a, they say that they're not allowed to have attachments. So the two things he can't do is have. is have sex, which would clear his mind and put him in a good mood, probably not cause him to make mass genocide later on in the series. Sure. And two, think about his mother, who they have to leave as a slave for some reason and never, he's not allowed to visit her. He's not allowed to free her from bondage at all.

It's just sort of like, Yoda's like, a slave she must remain for some reason. I don't know. No, not I do. It's so stupid. Wado's got the dirt on me, he does. Yeah. Watto has pictures he does. It's so dumb.

And, like, you'd think Quigan Jin, a tough-ass Liam Neeson would be like, you know what, disabled bug alien? I'm just going to steal this woman. Or even worse, like, not even worse, but like, after all that shit goes on, Quigon gets cooked up and, like, two years go by and it gets like, you know what, I'm getting, I'm acesing my tests. Can I get free my mom from slavery by any chance? Is there a form I can fill out or something?

Like what? Not even like, she doesn't have to live with me. I don't have to visit her every Christmas. I just like to know that my wife, my mother is not enslaved for all time. Right. Can I ask you guys this? Because maybe, maybe I watched it wrong. But he go, when he finally goes to Tatooine to find out what happened to his mother.

Sure. There's like this, he meets, you know. Wado. Not just Wado, but he meets Uncle Owen and Emperor. And then there's this, like, weird guy, like, Scragly, bearded guy in, like, a wheelchair. It's like, hey, hey, I'm, uh, yeah, your mom's my wife. Oh, yeah, they, oh, the Tuskids took her. Yeah, well, he said, this dude seems none too concerned.

Well, his name is Kleege Lars, by the way. Kleege Lars? Uh, stepfather of Anakin's. Guy Walker. Wada says that they weren't, they never like talk about. Yeah, they never were near each other supposedly, I guess. Well, no, because he says the whole thing is. It was after he

left. Cleeg Lars freed her, bought this woman's freedom and then married her. Good God. Is the purpose he bought her to free her and then like have her be her own, her own thing and then they fall in love? No. He's like, no. Did you get a good look

at this guy? Yeah. It was definitely, I'm just going to buy this woman. Hey, Wado, you owe me a lot of money there? Who's that pretty damsel in the back? Hey, Wado, I know how to balance up your books if you know what I mean. I'll take

three. I'm a space Mormon. They're all space Mormons, Eric. Eventually, right? In the end, we all become space Mormons. You know, one thing, John Williams is sleeping through this

trilogy. To my knowledge, he wrote one great piece of music, which I think Duel of Fates actually holds up to most of the stuff

that he's ever done. I think it's really good. But nothing else. There's no other piece of music that even you notice or anything. Like, I'm sure maybe there's like some...

Do you think George was telling him to tune it down? Like, it's being a little loud though, John. Oh, I'm all the

Bap, but about his sexual frustrations. And the music's a little intrusive. I would like, you know, maybe like a Bob Dylan that's come in, you know, like, oh, Darth Vader, should you be good?

Should you be good, Darth Vader? A montage set to that? Yeah, he's like, you found out a way to make the movie worse. Come on, I think that's kind of cool. Look at all these Jedi's sitting in a meeting. Space politics. Who count Dukoo? What do you do?

Nothing in this movie. Fuck all nothing in this movie. Just a Sith in the wind. Dude, yeah, Christopher Lee is in the wind in this movie, man. He doesn't come in for 76 minutes. And we are dukew in this and do coo in that in this movie. We're talking about him. We're talking about Master Demus or whatever the ever-loven.

San Demus? Stay shit. No, there's some Cyphrodemus or Diaz or whatever. Oh, the dude who trained Count Duku, the guy who... What? I agree with that. Cyphrodimus, the dude who Palpatine recounts the tale and when he's getting jerked off in the opera on the next movie. Oh, is that the real name of Darth Plagueis?

Yeah, I think so. Good God. Who the hell knows? There's so many stupid names, but that's what I thought it was. He's the dude who essentially puts in the order. order with the, he, he calls him the seamless order for 200,000 clones. Oh, right. Oh, yeah, that guy.

Dude, one of the fucking biggest fart mouth moments of this movie is when Mace Windew and Yoda are talking about who put in the, who put in the order for the clones, for the 200,000 clones? And Mace Windew's basically like, no, they weren't authorized to use the company credit card for this. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. We're over by eight trillion space bucks.

We're in debt. It is so goddamn frustrating that they even... Fill out the paperwork wrong you did. Your budget it is. Have to use it or lose it, you must. You may as well have a scene where Samuel L. Jackson and a shittily animated Yoda

are discussing how many sick days Sam Jackson has left before the year runs out. You see, Stephen, it makes total sense because it's nearing the end of the Galactic fiscal quarter. And, I mean, they gotta do a couple more orders in, you know. You gotta get those clones. I mean, you might as well use them.

You know, I'm gonna make a Minnesota in a little bit. Yeah, that's right. Oh, you know. We're watching too much Fargo. Yeah, we'll be watching Fargo, you know. Along those lines of, like, talking about fucking orders for clones and whatnot, there's that other stupid thing where they're talking, it's essentially a Jedi temple IT problem.

Where Obi-Wan is trying to figure out, oh, this section of the archives has been erased. What happened to these archives? And he is in a not even exaggerating goddamn Jedi library, which is fine if I understand what Jedi's. Like, if you're going to, I just need that two-minute scene in that first X-Men movie where it's like, this is the Jedi Temple. This is what we do. This is what we believe. This is how we do it. No one's allowed to fuck.

This is the library for some reason. Your religion seems less important when you're pulling up all these electronic files. Bring out the Torah. Where are your ancient Jedi documents? I understand you need copies of those things. Put it on Obie's Kindle, all right? But I need to see like, oh, that was the original. Yeah, where is their declaration of independence?

Well, somebody apparently, Cyphrodimus or Count Duku erased the planet where the clones are from, right? Like, and that's a big... From those records. Yes. And 20 minutes, everyone's like, how could he do it? How could anyone even begin to do this? I don't know. I don't care.

No one cares. And also, if there's one planet missing from your galactic map or whatever, of course, God's a big place. I'm sure there's another... You could find what planet is missing. Yes. And the Jedi need an IT team. Yes, they need someone to do like the recovery of files and stuff because this is...

Try turning it off and back on again, did you? Oh, man. Yeah, all this shit about, like, erasing the planet. It's so convoluted. I'm like, where is any of this going? Well, he has to go to a diner to find out where this planet is, and that scene sucks. That is shit. Dude, it's Hugh and McGregor talking to a short-order cook that he's longtime friends with somehow.

That dude, that he's friends with. And it's this crazy cartoon character. Yeah. And don't worry about it. He's got his little Greek mustache because he's working in a diner. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Do you think Lucas told them to add that? You know, I was at a diner today, and the gentleman that served me, my hotcakes,

had this pretty great-looking mustache on it. You know who also is in this diner, everybody? Sabalba. He, like, walks out. There's a little bit of Cibulva cameo. He's like, Alfred Hitchcock. He tries to get on a bus and it closes the doors in its face. So he's just walking two little dogs down the street?

Sabelba, I know you're available, but, you know, the facts are. and nobody's asking for you. Your action figure is not selling. I'm sorry. Do you think the only way Waddo made it in was because his toy was highest selling? He might have been. Lucas looks at that shit, I guarantee it. Oh, sure he does.

You're bad parents if you buy the Waddo toy. Oh, yeah. Dude, you want to see a disappointed kid under the Christmas tree open up a Waddo toy. Oh, I think that's a new WHM challenge. Buy your kid a Waddo toy. Totally see what happens. Take a picture of it. That's what it is.

Buy your kid a shitty, nothing Star Wars character, like Sleesbag or whatever. Wrap it up. Make sure they open it so they can see the Star Wars side first. It's sleesbagging now. And then film them be disappointed when it's not Obi-1 Kenobi. So I guess the thrust is Padmey and Anna Kna... Padme is still in trouble because Django Fed, I guess, is still after.

even though the second they go off on their adventure, the threat of a bounty hunter is gone. Totally, because they just, they leave in the night with no trace, so it's over where. They take the space bus to Nabu, essentially, right? That's right, yeah. This Django Fat line is useless, goes nowhere. I mean, the first sequence was kind of cool

when he kills that shapeshifter, but then he's just jerking off in a cup on Camino. He's one of these guys that's just like, need to make an extra few bucks. Yeah, it's 50 space bucks a cup, by the way. It's reprehensible. Also, the fact that you got, you're like, all right, I'm going to do ridiculous fan service, number one. And shoehorn in the Fet family.

Number one, I don't need a fucking Fet family. Number two, put your goddamn helmet on. Yes. Why are you? He barely wears it. The character wore it in the movies when everyone loved the character. and now the dude he doesn't wear it well it's two different people to be fair he's jango he loves taking that helmet off maybe it's a thing where he's like in tribute to his dad he's never

taking it off what how is that in tribute to his dad i don't know and also why does he talk exactly like his dad do you talk exactly like your dad um no well actually he's a clone of his dad so that's a little different is it yeah yeah i don't i mean let's make one and see wait So they just, wait a second. I'm arguing nurture versus nature. I'm team nurture. Wait, hang on a second, though. So Django Fet just has Bobafet.

Yep. But it's not his son. He just got one of the clones. That was part of his like fee. It's weird. He's like, oh, oh, ew. I'm sterile. I guess I can't, I can't conceive naturally.

So I better get a little clown. You know what that is, by the way? in case a Fet Sr. starts having kidney problems. Oh, yeah, he's got a little farm. A little walking. All Boba Fett is is a fucking parachute, man. A safety net. Do you think he writes on his back like they did Mad Max in Fury Road?

Algon Dona. Yes. But also, okay. Oh, I thought it was a biological kid. That's fucking disgusting. He's a clone that doesn't have accelerated growth. So he won't become a man immediately like all the other clones. Oh, okay.

So he'll live a more natural life. Until he falls down a sarlac pit and dies. So in this movie, Django Fet gets his head cut off. Boba Fett's like a little 10-year-old. Yes. Sees his father die, he does. So I guess we're led to believe in between this time, Boba Fett goes and is raised down under.

You pick up accents by hearing them. Yeah, that's true. Your father is dead. That's probably why he doesn't have it. the new ones. Or I guess he does because they re- Oh, Stephen. Oh, Stephen. That piece of garbage man,

George Lucas, re-edited the movies to have Morrison reddub all those lines. You know, I finally just got to the Harmi Cut. I've never watched the Despecialized editions. I watched New Hope,

and I'm going to go through the rest of them. And it was such, it was a beautiful experience. Because it's 15 years or something since I've seen these movies not fiddled with it's like having to watch and I didn't realize how annoyed I was and how like omnipresent that like annoyance of it being fiddled with bothers the rest of the movie not just the scenes that are actually fiddled with yeah yeah it's like it's like having to watch Seinfeld in like six inches of ice cold water like for 20 nobody else can ever watch Seinfeld unless you're in six inches of ice cold water

it's like yeah the jokes are still good but I just I'm really uncomfortable this entire time Well, what's also shitty about it is that these 1990 CGI effects, they don't hold up. No. Like, I was fucking around. I was like, you know, I have the despecialized. I have them burned on a disc. They look great. They sound great.

But I was like, oh, you know, I'm kind of curious about these Blu-rays. Like, let's see what's going on. So I got the Blu-ray of the original trilogy. And I'm watching Jedi. God damn it. That fucking little Tina Turner alien. Dude, that thing does not hold up for anything. Of course not.

And it's just dancing around and its lips are in the fucking camera. It's disgusting and it looks like garbage. It's worse computer animation than the devil in spawn. Spawn, ladies and gentlemen. And you know what people are like complain about nerds? They're like, oh, you know, well, they're just remaking the movie. No one's taking your movie away. You can still watch the originals.

Well, Star Wars fans can't. No. Thanks to this group of heroic fans that fucking fixed it and took hours of unpaid time of their lives to do it. You can find them through them. It's like prohibition. These are like moonshiner's on the internet giving me the original cuts of a movie. It's incomprehensible that this is the state of affairs. Look at Blade Runner when they released that Blu-ray of five different versions.

You can keep the new ones you like, and people who like those can watch those. People who don't, which is everybody, can like the other ones. Everyone can be happy. I mean, give me that cut of Empire Strikes Back where Red Fox is doing that voiceover narration that they cut out. I'll watch it. But if they could, please, like, I would, I never bought the Blu-Rays. I would if they included that cut. Sure.

I wouldn't even mind. Well, I would mind it a lot, but I wouldn't be as. angry. Well, because then it's, you know what it is? because I have the Blu-ray Blade Runner with the five cuts on it. It's fun to then watch them all and see the differences. Sure. You know what I mean? I wouldn't do it all the time.

I'd do it once. And then just go back to the theatricals every single time. But George Lucas thinks that his singular vision, whatever it is at the moment, is the definitive version. It has to be. He's got he's got

Bantha Poodoo between his ears. So, I mean, he goes anikins finally works up the courage to be like look padman i mean by the way we've got this romance on naboo dude which is just like the rolling hills of who could care oh man the and the dewy mountains of who gives the shit the hills are alive with the sound of horse shit yes that's what this is when they there is their first kiss is somewhere on nabu right and the lead up to it is one of my favorite parts of this movie because the stare down that these two people are giving each other. You would

not find two people less eager to kiss each other than these two. I'd rather kiss the two of you more than these two actors wanted to kiss each other. There'd be some passion there. Oh, absolutely right. Five years stuck in a room talking? We got to know each other pretty well. And there's

a little tension. There's nothing. There's two cold fish being slapped together is these people kissing. It's disgusting and it's useless and like i don't understand like all right so let's let's go through the reasons why padmay loves this dude so much as he has to at the end of this movie get legally married to have sex with him um one she's not allowed to be in any kind of relationship with him it's a huge

fucking hassle because like you have to basically be uh in a secret relationship and she's free to be d tf with anybody absolutely she's a senator she doesn't have any of these fucking dumb priest rules you got that you've got uh well he's in he's in he's in entirely hairless. He's entirely hairless, except for his rat tail and his head. He has smooth chest is all I'm talking about. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah.

She basically, he has, he has fascist leanings. This speech that, like, he's talking about, like, why can't everyone just do what I say? And she's like, but that's not democracy. Yep. Yep. And she's like, that you're a silly Anakin. She saw this kid as a baby and, like, was kind of his babysitter. Like, yeah.

And later in the movie, he talks about. murdering a race of people, women and children, and she's like, no, that's sweet. Yeah, he goes and kills this camp of Tuscan Raiders and is, like, sort of upset about it, but not really. Not really at all. He says they're animals and I slaughtered them like animals. Yikes. Hate speech in case you were wondering. Well, yeah, because you know what, everybody, just because, like, one Tuscan Raider killed his mom doesn't make all Tuscan Raiders shitty.

That's true. It doesn't mean we should bar all Tuscan Raiders for coming. into the country. He's killing any Tuscan Raider that's there. And one guy might be getting up to say hey, you know what? I told them not to do that and it was fucked up and he gets killed anyway. He just, he lightsabers

all of these dudes. Also, what were they doing with Shim Skywark? I have no, I don't, you know, actually I read this on the trivia. Uh, oh good. Some horseshit, like after the fact novelization or whatever. Oh, those are great. Apparently Count Duku on the orders of the emperor

uh, pay the Tuscan Raiders to kidnap Shmi Skywalker. Not in this movie, I don't care. Pencils down, it's over. But that's actually like a kind of interesting thing. Like they're setting Aniken up to fail. Like they know, do all these

things, it's going to push him towards the dark side. Why wouldn't you put that in the fucking movie? It's already two hours and 23 minutes. I like the idea of Palpatine finding out like, Shmi's Skywalker is still a slave? My God. Well, I guess we better use that. I mean, wow, that's easy.

She's married to who? The man's name is Lars But I have some Tuscan Raiders Put her out of her misery But like she's tied to this post And I'm thinking What are they doing to her? You've never seen anyone tortured

In the Star Wars universe It hits a Well she's got An Empire Hans Solo But that's a kind of fun torture right It's just like light It's just lights There's also an interrogator droid

And a new hope That comes into Princess Lays So All bloodless by the way No cuts No bruises nothing She's, yeah. Shmi Scar,

when Skywalker looks like shit at this. Like she's got scars all over. She's been, yeah, she's been through an ordeal. Yes. To say the least, yeah. And he comes over and he finds her and then he cuts these dudes down.

Why doesn't the Lars fella go looking for him, though? Well, he does. Wait. Oh, yeah, you're right. It is Lars. It's like Uncle Owen and Lars. Clegg Lars. Lars Ulrich.

He's a big of word about Napster. Yeah, that's actually why. He was pissed off someone who was stealing his space music on the internet. It was 2002. No, he did like, I rode out to find my beautiful Smee Skywalker. Those Tuscan Raiders took my leg. Now, this is an annoying thing. Sometimes I write down lines of dialogue, but I don't remember who said them.

Oh, this is a good game. A little Star Wars trivia here. Louis Anderson, who said it? So the line is, you guys got to try to remember who said it. we live in a real world come back to it I have no idea I believe it's a Padmae

because she's like talking shit to him but man oh man thud dialogue right there well their relationship doesn't make sense and is also like I think Natalie Portman's a good actress she just like most people is given nothing to do in this movie she's acting against sticking stones

yeah I mean this whole like fake James Dean thing he's doing with like the home Haltingway is speaking. Yeah. Every single dialogue. It's bullshit. He has a line that follows shortly after that last thud where he says, I wish that I could just wish away my feelings.

I wish upon a wish. Yep. It's so. I'm angry. I hate him so much. And like, I'm horny. I think about you every day. Let's get married.

Artau, are you done with that tape yet? Artu, are you done? You promised the tape. Why won't they make me master? Oh, whatever. Oh, you cry, baby. Everyone hates this kid's guts, man. I guarantee you, like, as he's walking down the halls of Jedi,

Jedi school. He's getting like hip checked like three times. How has Mace Windew put up with all this, by the way? They should make a master Bader instead of Vader. They should have had a thing where they allowed Sam Jackson to be like the Sam Jackson persona. At least like for one scene. Where he's just fucking yelling at Anakin Skywalker, really telling him off. Like he sort of does it with Palpatine at the end of that third one or whatever. Not really. But I want Sam Jackson as Bays Windew just going off on this kid. You know, it would be great if characters had emotions in these movies. That'd be cool.

What a treat. You're just going to be computers to me. You're just another computer. I can replace you with a little computer. You could all be subalba. You're just one key stroke away from not being in Star Wars. You know what's kind of a good part of this movie that I like is the fight between, Django Fet and Obi-1 on that platform.

It's raining. Like, you've kind of got some atmosphere going on. Yeah, it's neat. And you know what? It's contained to one area. Yes. It's a simple fight. We're not jumping all over a lava pit like we see in that next movie.

There's no, I mean, there are some platforms because it's a Star Wars fight. You need some platforms. Oh, sure. But there's not that many platforms. It's a manageable amount of platforms. For a Star Wars fight for sure. Sure. Then what I love is

So Obi-Wan Django escapes and goes to this planet Genosis. It's about 70-some-odd minutes So Christopher Lee's coming up, I promise. And Jango starts bombing out these kind of cool Like seismic charges I go fwong

Yeah I imagine like James Newton-Howard's cousin calls him up He's like, hey James, it's me Marvin Newton-Haward You know that sound you were looking for? Listen to this. Oh my God.

That's all of my movies now. And that like little dispersal like blows up asteroids and stuff, which... Oh, he's clearing a path. Is that what that is? Well, he's trying... It's like a space snowplow. I think he's trying, well, sort of, but I think he's trying to chuck a bunch into Obi-Wan's windshield behind him, you know?

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. It's like your tailgate. a plow truck and they release the salt on you? It's just like that. That's relatable. Don't you hate when that happens?

But yet the empire in the original trilogy has a hard time dealing with asteroid fields. It's like there's so much military technology that for some unforeseeable reason does not carry over.

No, doesn't make any sense. We're just wiping memories just like 3PO. That's all it is. We get to genosis and like finally Christopher Lee, who's the best part, of this movie. He's got gravitas. He's got intensity. Well, he's an actor. Yeah, yeah, that's helpful.

I think he's old enough to tell George to suck it for a second and do a scene making his own acting choices. I feel like everyone else got stifled. Yes, exactly. And you know what? Thankfully, he's promptly beheaded in the next movie for actually being a character. Well, originally I had him being the main batty, but after he told me off on the set of episode two, I just made some revisions. It looks like you're going to get cut. Parts been cut.

I just love that it took the gravitas of an 80-year-old man to fucking get some swagger in this movie of some kind. And just make him the villain. Like make him in the first scene, the third scene, the tenth scene, like make him a presence

in this movie as opposed to an afterthought. would save so much time and useless character undevelopment yes and bullshit mystery that nobody cares about no I don't again let me remind everybody no one cares who erased those fucking archives no my god

I don't no one cares or who ordered this clothes oh come on guys who ordered all these pizzas that's essentially where we are with most of this movie god and you know like Obi-Wan who's kind of The problem I don't like about, Obi-Wan, like, ciphers between being the best Jedi of all time and, like, a complete nini.

Like, in some scenes, he's just like, oh, Anakin, please help me. I'm such, I don't know what to do. And other times, he's kicking ass. Well, other times, he's literally, like, jumping out of a window on Korskont and, like, flying 500 feet to land on a car. Yes. And it's like, all right, you can do that, but you can't track somebody without needing assistance. from another person or whatever these like light tasks he's trying to do man you know if these movies were just obi won as the badass right and an Anakin skywalker being a good decent character

like i want some like the fall has to be far i can't have a guy that's a piece of shit and stumbles and becomes a bigger piece of shit the biggest piece of shit in the galaxy i need to see a bona fide hero yeah and i need to see you know like two movies of it of him just kicking ass and being a yeah and like I just I just oh Darth Vader

should you be good that's what I want that's what I need in these movies is that that cool Dylan song I made up Fallin from Grace at a quickening phase I just

and like I don't know like he buries his mother and he has this really awkward scene with Padme where like he tells her that he killed all these people while he's throwing things around a garage that's the best part is like he's holding me back and he like throws this cup and it's like that great moment where like the room's too far and like the cup just kind of like you want to throw a cup you want it to either break or hit a wall immediately right yep he's holding me back clank wow that was really intense what i noticed in this

scene that's really annoying is they kind of have like, you know, Anakin's old workshop or whatever, but they want to make it look way bigger and there's just a shitty like green screen behind and it's such a fake like bonus room behind them. Like just have them in small quarters. These people

live in poverty. Who cares? And you know, what did this movie cost to make? $200 billion? Yeah, that sounds about right. Just build some fucking sets. Is it that hard? Is it that hard? I want some also Uncle Owen a little bit because all

who by the way Joel Edgerton yeah a then not famous Joel Edgerton all he does is say hi I'm Uncle Owen this is my girlfriend Baru which is the dumbest thing in the world girlfriend it's so stupid yeah totally like Baru does pour some milk in this

scene which I appreciate I eat a little milk pouring from Baru did you notice Stephen that I changed it to red milk this time you see it's not blue milk it's red milk you're not the only one that can have a careful attention to detail. Look at me.

They had a different dooback at the time. And what is a do-back? The big green things that... Well, it's big, like, darkish. It's like more of a black. It's what they added... I mean, I could be wrong. But the Stormtroopers in the special editions

are riding them around. Oh, okay. I think that's that. And you're drinking milk from those things? I mean, this actually, it might be Bantham milk. Which is like the hairy, woolly mammoths that the Tuscan Raiders ride? Are those animals?

Animals riding animals. Funny, I never saw garbage eat garbage before. What is this Planet of the Apes? It's insane. Did we ever solve the mystery as to why they have horses in Planet of the Apes? No. In Planet of the Apes? Yeah, they ride horses.

Why not? Well, it's a fucking planet where there's literally nothing but apes. But there were humans. The asterisk is on the title. Oh, of course. I never look at the poster. clear enough and horses and I mean

so like he gets a text from Obi-Wan Kenobi yeah more or less honestly C3P I'm sorry D2 breaks up Shmi's Skywalker's funeral I like you know Kleegs like ah

I guess I overpaid I wonder if I can get my money back from Wado where is that receipt where is that lifetime warranty my ass What's your return policy? I mean, you could still find some good use out of her.

Well, she was already burned, as per Star Wars Universe tradition. I mean, you get some fuel out of that. Can you use the ashes of my dead wife to power a small cruiser? I just want credit towards the next one. That's what I'm talking about here. I think I am one more on my punch card before my next ex-slave wife is free. Oh, he's just got a graveyard full of a Oh, sure, dude. I mean, you've got

knock five bucks off there at least. I mean, I'm a valued customer. Oh, I know who's paying these Tuscan Raiders, by the way. Ah, she's, uh, getting a little mouthy there. You guys want to go, uh, take care of it. Oh, man, a fucking staged kidnapping. Oh, my God, my wife was kidnapped. Ah, listen, you know, my old lady's giving me all this heck.

I'm going down to Mosaspa Spaceport to get a drink or two. Give it all me kind of hell. So, um, why don't you? Just put a scare into her, all right? Oh, no, I lost the leg. You know, her son's a Jedi master. You might as well take my leg. I need to make this look good.

In case the authorities or the Jedi Knights come by. Just do it. Just do it. I'm ready. Just do it. I owe it a couple of bookies anyway. Space bookies. Waddo, you're selling some mouthy slaves there, that's all I'm saying. Klee glars.

now my new favorite character of the Star Wars universe Whatever I mean so They have to go to Genosis as well And this is when a Now just so I'm bad with planet names Genosis is where they're With all the people

The arena Oh yes okay Yeah yeah yeah Where it turns into a Ray Harryhausen movie For 47 minutes Well that's the thing End sequence of this movie Is the big temple thing

And then like All the gunfight and all that stuff which is all fine. Yeah. Lucas, for some reason, added this incredibly long sequence after principal photography of the warehouse scene

or the factory with all the little gleep-glop robots where they get made. Oh, is this where they're manufacturing battle droids? Yes. Oh, yeah. That was an add-on scene

because he was like, I don't know. I mean, I kind of, where are the droids made? Who knows? Oh, man. So many questions that no one was asking.

We go to that. clown planet, then we'll go to the droid planet. Oh, I made these droids too. It's all me. I'm just back here tinkering on these droids. I don't know. Whatever. I mean, like...

Dan Anda. This is where... Dan anda. Where Dan anda making droids. And this is where Christopher Lee is. He's hiding out here. Yeah. All these like expendable, weird like, everyone, anyone who gets killed in the Star Wars universe is like a person, like they get cut, they're dead, they fall down.

Right. These bug people are getting decapitated, cut, and half. It is brutal. They're animals. That's how you get hardcore without getting an R rating. Yeah. Because let me tell you, if you had a bunch of Christopher Lee decapitations in this movie, he'd be fighting that ratings board.

But because they're gleep-glops, you can decapitate. You can fucking stab a baby alien in the stomach with a lightsaber. Doesn't matter none. It ain't no human. And on that effect, We don't have the Wilhelm screams at all in these movies, right? Instead, we have this new one, the alien version. Woo!

What was that? It was something like, oh, oh, oh, oh. It's a duck. Like, it's terrible. You're doing a better job at it than the actual sound like. Because it's coming from an organic life form. It's not made by a computer. Yeah, it's not a synthesizer.

You know what, I don't want to debug people. What I'm looking for are human ladies? What do you got in a white lady? God damn it, Wado, I didn't even know there were female wookies. I mean, I want to live a little. I'll take a, I'll take a wookie, yeah. Let's see what I'll figure it out. One of them blue things with a snake on the top of her head.

What do they go? Give me one of them blue medusas. I'll marry that. You got one of them, Wada, I'll marry a blue medusa. What are they told? Tolik's told me? I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

You know what I'm talking about. That's the only thing. You got a fully functional droid there, Jow. You know what I mean? No, I don't need anacanata protocol. I need something that knows the ways of love making. Waddo, Wado, Wado. Come here, my good man.

All right. Keep this between us, all right? Can you get me an EWalk? Not if you could get me an EWalk. Waddo, Wado, my good man, throw in an extra credit if you shave it. Yeah, you can take, you know what? You're going to be an EWalk, you can take the other leg.

Half price. But marry EWalk, I don't need any legs, okay? Yeah, I can just hop up there. It'll be fine. Use the carbon in my leg to power your speed. Oh, shut up, Owen. You'll understand when you're older. Buru will get old on you. You think Peru's going to stick around forever?

You think you're going to leave this moisture farm and go start a rock man? You're my son. God, you're going to fucking farm this moisture like me. Gonna fuck a shaved baby EWalk with no legs. You'll be 60-some day, too, Owen. Judge me. Oh, yeah, you look like Joel Edgerton now. You got all the looks of the world.

But eventually, you're going to look like a 60-year-old an American actor. And then where you'll be. Be fucking a baby-shaved E-Wark. That's where you'll be. If you're lucky. If you're lucky Better hope my man

Is still in business By the time you need his services Fucking Sandy's all over this Fucking, fucking desert Why did I fucking move here? So they get captured And now You know what my least favorite line

In any Star Wars is Not in the first ones But ever since Is I've got a bad feeling About this They're scheduled to be executed They're in, like, their hands are bound. And Anakin Skywalker has the balls to turn around and be like, you know, I got a bad feeling about this.

You know, this execution that's about to happen? Man, and you know what's annoying about that is in that situation, you're clearly making a joke. Yeah. Now is not a time for gag humor. No. No. Or Gallo's humor, if you will. You're about to be killed.

Can we say that Natalie Portman's last outfit in this movie is eerily reminiscent of Britney Spears' toxic video a little bit? You're not wrong. It's very 2002, this movie. Like, the haircut, like, you know, what Hayden Christians, it's very, like, in sync looking, you know what I mean? Aside from that rat tail. Yes. And she's got the, you know, like, that's the style, as was the style at the time.

But what's amazing about that at the time style is that it's one of those, like, accidental costumes. Yeah. Because, like, she's just, like, you know, dressed up in her, I'm going to do this mission outfit or whatever. And then, like, these monsters start clawing. at her and tearing her clothes whatever and then she looks like sexy toxic video costume it's so oh my god that's what this monster wanted to see some skin i guess that's pretty much what's going

on here because it's that monster could easily scale that column and get her and doesn't because he's got a great view it's it's it's very obviously like you wanted some well i wanted some kind of slave layer kind of thing you know that's exactly what you're doing because trilogy needs it a little sucks yeah every Royal female needs to be stripped and fight with a chain at some point. Oh, yeah, you're totally right. She's fighting this thing with a chain. You know, I'm not going to lie to, Waddo. It kind of did it for me.

Thanks, Wado. Now the shackles are on the other foot. It's just sort of a thing that, you know, always kind of follow me around, that whole shackle thing, you know? Now, dancing around with these monsters and whatnot, is this before after Padme's on that conveyor belt? That's that whole scene that he added for no reason. So that's before this. Yes, yes, yes. That shit looks like she's on an episode of Nick Arcade.

She's got to jump over the thing, and it's the flying carpet. Here we go, a Nick Arcade do, do, do, do, do, do, do. It just, I mean, where? Waddo, can you get me some sentient guck? You mean gack? Yeah, that too. You know, give me the guck and throw in some gack. But he's a moonslide.

I'm going to have a real long weekend. Oh, Lord. Who knew? Clegg Lars. Uncle Owen's father was just a real scumbag. I was. I mean, look at him. I mean, just look at him.

I mean, this is all, we're just reading lines of dialogue. That's all. This is, by the way, if you're listening to this, it is canon. Yeah, absolutely. This is now Star Wars canon. So, um, all, the Jedi show up, which is like, you know, what, 40 or something like

that? I never got a full count on what how many Jedi's we got. No, and I think that's kind of on purpose. Yeah. They're sort of just like, it's not an army, but there's a lot of them. And you would think 40 fuck a Jedi versus a bunch of bug people and some robots, it's a route,

right? Yeah. Some of these Jedi's are getting killed. Yeah. Well, there are some snipers going around, I feel. But let me ask you this, though. It's like, I mean, they're clearly out between like the battle droids that come in and all these gleep-glops and then like the big ass monsters that's left to be killed they are clearly outnumbered at least like I would wager as high as 15 to one yeah sure cut to the next movie where they're being taken down one by one by at most three dudes at a time that and again see the sithmentary but that fucking ambush of those jetties at the end of that movie is ridiculous especially because in this movie they fight a whole back And they're all just as awesome as the next one. And they're winking at each other, like having a good time.

Oh, yeah, it's going to be, they'll be joking about this. Like, remember that time in Nicaragua? They're going to be laughing about this battle one day. That's the way they're carrying this off. And then they're slaughtered so easily in that next movie. But they have to get saved by the clones that Yoda comes in. And I'll tell you what. I remember when I saw it in theaters and when I watched it for this, that shot of Yoda

flying in on that helicopter I think it's badass as fuck I think Yoda looks really cool Oh yeah and they're playing right of the Valky's yes exactly He's got that pointy helmet on Today is A good day to die

Today is That I was gonna say But what I meant to say was I love the smell of napalm in the morning Also pretty good in the scene Get the little plus one for me Like, you know, a little level up is Django Fett getting beheaded.

It's a real... You get to see... Yep. Sam Jackson cut somebody's fucking head off at a Star Wars movie. Yep. I'm okay with it. It's totally awesome.

It's the first beheading in all of these movies. And, you know, O.T. and included as well. Yeah, no, there's zero beheadings that movie. You know what? Didn't have the technology at the time. Couldn't believeably behead someone.

I would wager in a few years. Oh, I guess since he sold it, he can't. But I could see him retconning that out. It was a little too violent. That's what's interesting, though, about these movies is they are much more violent than the original trilogy.

And he's, like, worried about death sticks and whatever else and, like, worried about Han not shooting first because he has to be a good guy. And it's like, you're cutting people's heads off of those movies, man. Han was also a goddamn drug runner. Yeah.

He was... Dude, those spice runs, man. Death sticks. He had lots of debt sticks on the Monoam Falcon. In that Hans Solo movie they're doing, I want, I know I'm not really a fan of the idea, but if they're going to do it, let's do it. I want drugs front and center, and he's fucking cool as shit with them. Yep.

Oh, totally. And fuck you little kids at home that for some reason you're going to start doing all the drugs in the world because you saw Hans Solo selling them. Kids? That's his life. Kids, just smoke weed. It's not going to kill you. And by the time you're old enough to actually do it, it's going to be legal anyway. All the gleep-clop Jedi's that have absolutely no name.

Some live, some die. Sure. There's the bug-eyed guy who's pretty cool looking. He does some stuff. I don't know what he's about. I'm not going to buy the action figure. I'm a grown-ass man watching a movie. Conehead man isn't that great in battle, but he's participating.

Speaking of a guy, I want to see it get decapitated. Oh, yeah. Dude, I want to see the cylinder sliced. Dude, get cut off mid-cone, and like it turns out his brain is just that entire squash shape. How cool would that be? Do they just get the foreskin? Or it's like MTV's the head and there's a little monster inside there that comes out? Yeah, why not?

Dude, go liquid television. Are you exactly my age? Because you might have got that joke. If you're any older or any younger, you're in trouble. You're totally right. There is a small window for people to know about the head. So basically they all get on space helicopters and the clones are killing. It's a pretty cool fight.

But I'm kind of exhausted at the thing. this point. I'm very exhausted. There's so much nonsense. That fucking conveyor belt scene went on forever. The Harry hasn't seen kind of goes on forever because there's this other set. It's like nine set pieces thrown together. Yep. Without, it's, this movie's so

top heavy that I'm so tired by the end of it. Well, because yeah, we got way too many balls in the air and we realize like we're already at an hour and 45 minutes and it's like we better start figuring this out. This scene though, like when they're about to be killed in this whole thing, I think is where I feel

to be the worst line of this movie where he says I've been dying a little bit each day or she says I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life I love you try to work that into your wedding vows

by the way I've been dying a little bit each day ever since you're my best friend my partner my partner in crime and I've been dying a little bit each day ever since I met you I mean holy shit that's terrible all right you can say

because there's only people here are two robots well there is like some sort of official that's like doing the ceremony yeah yeah yeah yeah that they had that guy killed somebody did no one can know about this union so you're gonna get you're gonna get a lightsaber right through the fucking chin i bet out through the head right after i do that's what happens and they bathe in his blood and they have their carnal yeah just all right there yeah right there while well r2's videotaping it for part of of Annikin's collection.

Hey, Anikin, I noticed I wasn't invited to your wedding. You got a problem with my Ug-Not brides. Yeah, I'm married to an unknot. Anikin, I saw your sex tape on the space inner with it. He's definitely got a sex tape out there, right? Anakin Skywalker. Hey, Anakin, you block me on Facebook. Hey, Anakin, if this is going to work, we got to be friends.

Friends first, Anakin. Hey, Anakin. He goes, basically, they're trying to shoot Count Duky down and this is the most bullshit line. Like, they have him right in his sights. He's on a pretty cool speeder. And they're like, oh, shoot him down.

They're like, oh, we're out of rockets. What? You have lasers. You have lasers. We're out of rockets. Laser rockets? And it's too late because Count Duku's put his, he put his sails up.

Yeah. It's got like solar sails that... The solar flares or whatever he's got going on in this thing. I don't know. It's a silly little device. Let's talk about the last fight, which is... Again, you want to talk about pretty okay things? It's okay.

Pretty okay. What fight is this? The Duku, Obi-Wan, Anakin, later Yoda. No, thanks. No, thanks. Really? Yoda running around with this lightsaber. Well, that gets stupid.

But before that, though, when it's... Obi-Wan for like two seconds, and then a pipe falls on him. But then Anakin's fighting with him. He gets very much macho man knocked out. He's like, oh, man, you got to go. Keep fighting, man. Dude, that happens to Obi-Wan Kenobi a lot in these movies to, like, make way to, like, make Anakin a hero?

Like, every movie, right? Yes. He's just getting knocked on his ass. Isn't Phantom menaces or Quigon's get his ass knocked? Oh, Kiong gets killed in Phantom. Oh, really? Yeah. Spoiler alert.

Gotta re-watch that one. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Bummer. I don't mind the Yoda thing. I think it's kind of fun. The weird thing is Yoda is screaming throughout this thing, which is like, how is that not using hate in a fight? Like, how are you, like, bellowing out screams of anger while you're fighting this ducu dude?

And you're not like, you know. Your judgment is clouded Yoda. That's for sure. Personally, I never needed Yoda on the battlefield. Palpatine's not on the battlefield. He isn't that last one. Use it sparingly The fact that he's dancing around these fucking movies

Well that's why I hate in the next one When he's like throwing tables at him Yeah That's when he like he gets the table and he's like I'd rather spins it around I'd rather have that than him using a lightsaber Because it kind of makes no sense It's like you're fighting the floor

Yeah It's like and he's supposed to be so good at the force What does a lightsaber matter anymore? Maybe make some time, like, you know, there's force lightning when you're so good with the dark side. What's the light side equivalent? Oh, nothing. It should be a care bear stare. Yes.

He should have light come out of his tummy and kill him. I agree. You know, if you can lift, again, if you can lift a plane with your force power, crush his head. Yeah, that's, you should be able to just turn this dude to juice. I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Exactly. Just turn him into juice, dude.

Juice that ducood. Some duccoo juice. If the light side version of force. Whores lighting was the juicer. Holy shit, I would love it. One thing that I hate about the special effects of this movie is they keep popping a 80-year-old Christopher Lee head on stuntman.

Oh, yeah. It's so obvious. It looks terrible. It looks like a bad jib-jab cartoon. It does. This whole movie looks like a jib-jab. But who do you want to star in the movie today, Stephen? I'll send you an e-card. Oh, look, Stephen, now you're in Star Wars.

birthday. You know, Stephen, I'm pushing technology forward by moving jib jabs in a whole new direction. I'm an innovator, Stephen. This is you and your kids fighting Star Wars. Jim Jib style. That is the prequel trilogy in a nutshell. Sure. It's an e-card. We might get some hate for this. Good. You know what? Bring it on. Explain to me why you think this is good. Please And you know what? We haven't said at all in this movie because he was cut out because Lucas was terrified of the fan reaction. Jar Jar Binks. So people are like, oh, you know, if you take out Jar Jar Jar, those movies aren't half bad. Those movies are a lot bad. It's whole bad. It's not half bad. It's whole bad. Definitely a whole bad. Because so Jar Jar's at the beginning. Yeah.

And he's kind of just like rolling with Padme still. Well, no, he's, now she's like the senior senator from Nabu and she's the junior because now Palpatine has moved on from that role to be chancellor. Oh, that's right. Yes, so he's a full-on politician. They filled the vacant Senate seat that Palpatine left with Jar Jar Bing's. You know why? Because in the beginning, he had a reality show that people loved so much. And it was kind of hilarious.

He came out. I was like, oh, Jar Jar Jar is ready. What's he going to say next? And he just kept saying all this stupid shit dude. Everybody thought it was fucking hilarious. Uh-huh. Next thing you know, he was elected to office. And he cast the crucial vote that puts that mother.

at the top of the food chain and destroys the Galactic Senate. Yeah. Yeah. It's all Jar Jar's fucking fault. Oh, is he a Dark Lord of the Sith? I think according to that genius fan theory, something, something he uses a drunken master

fighting style. According to author Cheeto Crumbs, he is a Dark Lord of the Sith. Dude, that guy's got his doctorate in film theory. Shout out to Cheeto Crumbs. Change the way I look at these movies

Thank you, Cheeto Crumbs Good on you, cool ranch fingers Well, that's the thing, dude You got Mom's Basement Writing all those articles About how like this was his Star Wars And you're like, whatever, mom's basement I guess we're just from a different time

I know, call me Daddy Daycare I don't believe in this Man, so where does this even end? I mean, it ends with the wedding It ends of the wedding. Basically, you see Palpatine, like, with all the, what do you call it, the clones marching and all that stuff. Yeah. Finally, Palpatine, Dart Sidious shows up, and he's like, hello, Lord Taranis. And, like, Christopher is like, can't wait to not get to beheaded in 10 minutes.

In 10 minutes screen time, if you're watching these back to back, my head's on the floor. Oh, I'm Lord Taranis. I've been calling, I've been saying Duku. I've been using my lightsaber as Duke. I haven't been using my cool name. There's Cypher Dias. There's Count Ducu. There's Lord Taranus.

Wait, did we figure out who Cypher Diaz is? I don't even know. I don't know. There's so many bullshit Jedi's that I don't care about. The thing is, like, the cool thing about Anakin Skywalker fall into the dark side, being presumed dead by everyone, pretty much, you know? He's hiding with the name Darth Vader. It's not his fucking clubhouse name.

Right, exactly. It's his new alias. And he's constantly covered up so nobody could even... You know what I mean? Yeah. And major imperial officers don't even believe the force or that religion exists. But how is it, though, that they see him do shit like choke people and they're not like, I'm believing now? Then they start.

They think he's like a magician. Like, oh, God. Sorcercercerous race. Nice one. Hey, O Waddle, let me ask you something. Can you get me like a realistic looking... looking doll of Cypher Diaz. Don't ask any questions, Waddo.

Just can you do it? And I mean, life size. Mostly, because I just want to know what the hell he looks like. I don't know what they were talking about him. Yeah, I ain't going to fuck him. I just want to see what his face looks like and how tall he is. No, no can do, Lars. You bet too large on the Vikings, they didn't cover the spread.

Oh, shit. What, is this going to jeopardize my Ewok order? please tell me that's not going to happen because uh christmas is coming excuse me life day is coming oh man and then yeah so we're just left to wonder like what's what's going to happen and you can find out on our sithmentary how's it all going to make sense it's not are there ways this is something are there ways that this movie could have been better millions i mean like really you could have i think a better actor as aniken and you know realistically like let's just call the first one to wash

if Lucas was like oh that I took a bath on that I mean shakes you know what you haven't directed a movie in a really long time you were rusty yeah you're like oh man you know like there's all the that stuff coming out where like he approached Ron Howard he approached all these people to make these movies Spielberg himself and they didn't want to do it like we want to see you behind the seat George we want you to do it

Jesus you know after that first one he should have just gave it up. Yeah, just been like, I wrote the script. Maybe you bring someone else like Kazden like they did for these new ones. Totally. To give it a polish, make it sound real. Get a real director. Get a real director.

And you don't need Ron Howard. You can get some younger upstart to do it. And it would have been a better movie for it. Get David Lynch, man. He's been jumping at the bit for Star Wars, apparently. One of these days, I'm going to get to direct one of them, daggun Star Wars pictures. It would be awesome.

It would be awesome. Think about the creature design. Oh, man. Just that alone, it would be fucking worth it. Oh, man, Clegg Lars has a boner already. I'll say that much. Oh, my God. Look at this.

The new catalog of Gleeplops came out. By David Lynch. Waddo. Can you get this one? Yeah, the center fall, the number of page 58. It's a thing July, 2090 billion. now no one's recommending these right no no it's just a formality for this part of the show for some reason you have never seen the prequel only watch revenge of the Sith because it's what

everyone says the good one which it's not sure just so you can sink it with our synthmentary yeah yeah yeah give us funny first and foremost purchase the Sithmentary but other than that don't watch these movies whatsoever I mean like and I'm you know Force Awakens is coming out in a couple days, we'll know then how much homage they paid to the prequels. I think it's probably just a name only. You'll probably hear a Nabu thrown around or like

maybe a genosis or, you know, like maybe just background noise, but I think that's about it. Yeah, at least one scene or line or something of them kissing that ring. But that's it. I don't think you're going to have to watch that to understand this at all. No, but this is my thing. And I don't know if I'm

like flip-flopping here, because I don't remember what say on things because I say a lot of things every week sure on this show but right now as I'm feeling it as you said there's a few days until Force Awakens comes out I think you should see all of those prequels because I feel one it's totally okay to watch bad movies oh of course because make no mistake again I don't care what you say these are bad movies yep and you know

learn to appreciate how bad things could have gone and I'm referencing the fact that I'm just I'm just waiting I'm waiting for these people to start hating on Force Awakens Fucking Thursday night You know it's going to happen To be fair, it could be bad It could be bad It could very well be bad

I just know that there's already people that are ready to talk shit about it Sure But so to those people And if you haven't seen these movies Like watch them Watch how bad it could still be Yeah Watch how good we have it with the original trilogy

And you know again I don't know about Force Awakens It could be dog shit It could be great It could be just okay I mean I think that's the thing That's what I'm really excited about Force Awakens it's taken, it's not so singular a vision.

And like community thinking can certainly steer you wrong, but like people that grew up with this stuff that like really thought about it way too much and got like, that's what I think why the Star Wars comics that Marvel's putting out are really good. Yeah. Some of that other stuff is like, that expanding universe stuff is cool because people like get inspired by like,

oh, wouldn't it be cool if this happened? And they're taking it a slightly further on like Star Trek. You know what I mean? Like all the Star Trek things that happened. If it was just Gene Roddenberry writing and directing every episode of Star Trek, it would have been fucking terrible. Totally. You know, people needed to carry the ball forward. And I think that's hopefully what's going to happen with Force Awakens could be terrible.

Yeah, I think you said it there. I mean, we'll see. Now, we're talking, it's out in a few days. Does everyone in this room have tickets? I do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right.

Good. We all got tickets. I'm in line right now. I'm live from the lines. Imagine we just recorded this episode waiting on. line to watch Star Wars. That's Star Wars. Episode 2, Attack of the Clones, directed, of course, by George Lucas. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com, or find us over on sideshownetwork.tv. Like us on Facebook, and of course, follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM

podcast. Don't forget that Sithmetry. We're plugging it, obviously, this whole episode, CDBaby.com. And it will eventually roll out to Amazon and iTunes We don't know what the price points are there yet Yeah, yeah But keep your eyes peeled If that's your preferred method But just do CD baby

Because it's out now You can get it now That's the thing And it's one price that we approve And what is that price? I believe it's $2.99 Oh come on That's a dollar an hour

Hey, you got anything For a dollar an hour, Wano What do you got? Oh, I got this bucket You could pee in What else can I do? with that bucket besides peeing it

figure it out I guess now as as we stated before we're done with the clues next week Santa Claus the movie yeah

Dudley Moore John Lithgow's in their movie the Silkins are involved the Salkyns who's playing Santa Claus I have no idea Oh it's just some nobody

Yeah it's not Dudley Moore It's not And what to you won't For Christmas, they don't care of it. Yikes. Well, that would be like Santa at an office party. Yeah, yeah. Not Santa at a mall, I would hope.

Are you sure? I don't know. It was just a joke I made it. In my mind, it was Dudley Moore dressed as Santa Claus talking to a grown woman. Okay. So, yeah. Anyway, so Santa Claus, the movie with the Salkinds involved, remember, gang, they're the ones that ruin Superman for everybody.

And they're about to ruin Santa Claus. Oh, totally. So until next week with Santa Claus the movie, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Sisko. May the Force be with us all.