We Hate Movies - S6 Ep230: Santa Claus: The Movie

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

On the Christmas episode of We Hate Movies, the guys check out the ridiculous holiday classic(?), Santa Claus: The Movie! What's with the opening of the film featuring Santa and Mrs. Claus freezing to death? Where did these elves come up with this Santa idea in the first place? And why in the world are we waiting OVER AND HOUR to bring John Lithgow into the film? PLUS: Jesse "The Body" Ventura weighs in on the movie... and a lot more. Santa Claus: The Movie stars Dudley Moore, John Lithgow, David Huddleston, and Burgess Meredith; directed by Jeannot Szwarc.  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jopin. Steven Sadek. Eric Sisko. And this is a movie about Santa Claus. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Christmas episode. We hate movies. Oh, yeah.

We're in the holiday spirit here. Just a few short little days until Christmas rears its ugly head. We just had our company holiday party here. Oh, wait. Yeah. Did you guys forget to invite me? Oh, shit. It was just the two of us kind of sitting here drinking in the dark.

Then you showed up. and ruined it. Well, thanks for the invite, guys. Maybe, you know what, dude? Better luck next year. Better luck. You know, I'll ask Santa Claus for some better friends.

This week's film, Santa Claus, colon, the movie from 1985, directed by Supergirls, Jeanotte Zwark, again, produced by the Salkinds, ruining another magical franchise, the Santa franchise.

Here's a question. Why movie and not motion Picture. Yeah. Well, you know, here's the diff, I think. Motion picture sort of implies a little bit of prestige behind it. Star Trek, the motion picture. It sounds real classy like. Sure. This is a movie about John Lithgow making like poison toys for kids. It's the movie. Yeah, it's a movie. Guys, I got a quick question about Santa Claus. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Is he the most enduring figure holding a whip cracking a whip you know you might be right but also side note indiana jones yeah well that here's the thing or those romans that killed jesus

they're not beloved hold us hold on a second that just you know that he might be on to something here okay all right because because without those romans do we have christmas that's true then do we have Santa and without Santa do we have Indiana Jones so you can draw a line through all of them well we don't need the Romans that killed Jesus because Santa well Christmas is about the

birth of Jesus oh we wouldn't have Easter yeah but you know you probably wouldn't have Christmas because that was the big album was Easter you know what I mean Christmas you wouldn't you wouldn't know him you wouldn't know the debut album if it wasn't for that white

album oh yeah you're totally right actually. It's kind of like you'll always see those DVDs of police squad. But you wouldn't get those unless Naked Gunn came out a couple years later. That's totally true. They were like, Easter and Police Squad It's Christmas. They were like, man,

you know what? These naked gun DVDs are selling like hotcakes. You know what people might be interested in from the files of police squad, the entire series on DVD? All two DVDs.

You're totally right. And you might as well pick up the passion of the Christ while you're there. Oh, man. I saw that in theaters. So did I. Yeah, me too. Did we see that together? I don't know.

I don't remember. Maybe. I did see it in college and there was all those people weeping. Yeah. Come on. Get it together. So this movie, speaking about the death of Christ, Santa Claus. Uh-huh.

No shout out to Jesus in this movie whatsoever. Well, because it's a Santa movie. Yeah. I don't need Jesus rubbing his beard. face in this movie or his baby not even a little bit not even a little bit none this because this is celebrating the pagan lore the pagan gods oh ten and bomb saint saint nick man this guy

this guy's not this guy is something else this movie starts in the 1500s it sure does which is insane like this here's what this is i think they're trying to start like a holiday cinematic universe and this is santa's origin story Yeah, Santa begins because it's like He's driving down a snowy road with the misses And suddenly like, oh, what's that? The sleigh is the carburetor might be on the fritz

And then they have a slay wreck, right? And then they go to heaven? Well, they know, they freeze to death. Yes, they freeze to it. So after he delivers like these little wooden statues that he carves for kids. Like it's some old woman's telling the story of this dude Klaus. and then they roll up and he's like here's all these wooden statues you're going to break

in a week, just like any other Christmas present, right? Sure. And then they're like, all right, we got to get to the rest of the kids on the other side of the village or the forest or whatever. And along the way, Santa, or he's not Santa yet, Klaus, his wife, Anya and these two reindeer

freeze to death. Donner and Blitzin, important to know that they are the proto reindeer. The OG reindeer, man. And this is a hell of a storm. And so I'm glad you guys mentioned that they freeze the death because I was like, hmm, they did die, right?

I think they're dead. The movie doesn't tell you that they die, but they clearly die. They die. And you know what? Right off the bat, we're not like 10 minutes into this movie. And note to the studio,

I got kids here. Oh yeah. The first 10 minutes of Santa Claus call in the movie, you see Santa freeze to death. Like he's not like red-suited Jolly St. Nick yet, but it is a man.

who is clearly Santa Claus. He's got... Freezing to death. You see dead, frozen to death reindeer puppets in this movie. Canonical ones. It's not even like... These are the ones that he got before the magic one.

Skippy and Jack, the unknown reindeer. Man, that's a... You know what? Best-selling Andrew Jupe and Children's book. Skippy and Jack, the unknown reindeer. He's just two dead reindeer in a grave. That's the last page. Oh, man.

Can't wait to do that drawing. Then they're abducted by... aliens pretty much that have pointy ears and they're calling themselves

elves I got a little bit of a fan theory here about Santa Claus the motion picture Oh shit

Eric get your listicle ready I am is it gonna be a GIF listicle Jifstical You'll have to improv that

This should be We should do This should be a BuzzFeed podcast What if Yep We know that Santa dies

What if it's like that The series finale A Breaking Bad This is the rest of what follows is all some crazy fever dream Yeah, it's Walts fucking fugitive.

I knew you were going this way. Because the weird thing is what he does in the first act Right before he dies He gives this little girl A statue of Dudley Moore for some reason? He's like, oh, these are the Vendergum Which will later learn her elves But like it's a lore of some odd

It's weird like when they meet them He's like, by God, mother, it's the Vendigum And the lead elf is just Like, that's a slur. We prefer elves. Thank you very much, you fat racist. I don't understand it. What is a Vendigum?

Or a gun... Maybe they're all gondoms. A Vendigum is a mini-gundum, I feel. Vendigum? It sounds like something Hitler would write on a door to condemn someone. Or it's just like some forgotten 1980s

trash studio. Vendigum Pictures present. Superman 5, produced by the Salt Guns, Vendigum pictures. So they die, and yeah, they go to this magical land. They wake up, it's a little warmer, but it's still snowing out. And these chittering elves come. It's like, and they're like, mother, is this the river of sticks?

Yes. I believe we've gone to Hades, mother. And one of them walks in the light and goes, we've been waiting for you forever. Dude, and that is where I realize, this is where my mind was blown with this movie because it explains to you, at least in this version of the tale,

sure. That the whole Santa Mythos was actually engineered by these elves. Oh, yeah. But then you start thinking, well, what's the, origin story of these little fuckers, these Vendigums that have this gigantic castle, this invisible

gigantic castle, aka Superman's Fortress of Solitude. Yeah, pretty much. They're ancient aliens. They're aliens from another planet. Come down. You know, when I finally saw Santa Claus the motion picture in theaters, I thought, one, this is a

classy outfit, but two, finally someone's blowing the whistle on the origin story of Santa Claus. Yep, I got the documents on the Vendigum. They were purchased by Coca-Cola in the 50s, but I swear to gosh, they took an ancient lore of ancient aliens in Vendigum that actually, that's how Christmas started. Cut from this movie, of course, is the fantastic, climactic battle between Santa Claus

and Crampus. That happened sometime circa 1675. I got the documents to prove that one, too. And you know, fuck Bill. Goldberg for doing that evil Santa Claus movie because that was my idea in the 80s and they couldn't get it off the ground you want to see the original script for Santa Slay I've had it in my garage storage unit since 1992 and not to be a little insensitive but Bill Goldberg doesn't celebrate Christmas so what the hell does that guy know about Santa Claus yeah you're telling me they didn't film that right over Christmas I know a certain

star that had nothing to do that day. Wow. It's Christmas week. We're keeping it loose here. FYI, that's Jesse the Body Ventura in case it is. Oh, of course. Yeah. I don't know.

So, yeah, the Vendigum are like, or the elves will call me. We prefer elves, you racist. Shut up, your Vendigum. You fucking little Vendigum. Get the fuck out of America, Vendigum. Hey, you see, you see this tattoo, it means vendigum not welcome. Won't have to build a wall that

high fucking vendigum. If you're about this high, you're probably a vendigum. I don't care who you are. That's funny. That's funny. Man, you know what's great? If you've got two candy

cage on top of each other, you're probably a vendigum. You got a bunch of flying deer in your garage. You're probably I mean, you know, the fun thing about, I don't care who you are, that's funny, which is a great slogan, is that means that's only funny to very few people. You are something that is supposed to be so universal. It's great to have your punchline immediately followed by, no, it's, it's okay to laugh at this.

It's okay, but it's not okay. What isn't okay also is how these elves are like, you're going to. going to do this um you know for all time and sand is like well what are you talking about we're gonna grow old and they're like no no no you two are going to live forever what's unbelievable is that this dude claus and ania the misses uh are just totally hip to it it's never like well geez mother we won't know our old lives ever again it's just right into it they accept everything about this so are they reanimated corpses yes okay thank you i was waiting for the twilight zone twist though because it's like oh it's a wonderful land where all the things you ever wanted to do are going to happen and like they they sleep in this bed and on your claws is like oh this bed is so comfortable it's the most comfortable place i've ever been like and it's just sort of like and then the twist it's like which i guess you've been dead the whole time the weird thing is the first night santa can't sleep and he kind of goes walking around and he meets dudley more who's patch who's patch the elf this

industrious elf who like believes in like steampunk power or whatever the fuck's going on with Patch. Yeah, he's got a bunch of crazy ideas. And he's like, he kind of, Patch is trying to feed Donner, his, his deer, some, some magic hay. It looks like a bowl of weed, by the way. Yeah, this is like a big fat nug. Totally. It does. And this fucking reindeer is like, no way, man. And that's like that Twilight Zone episode. Like, The dog knows something's wrong. Donner's like... The dog's not going to go through that gate?

Yeah, because it's hell. And this deer is like, I'm not eating this fucking food. I don't know who you are, where I am. That smells like magic. I don't like it. And man, we're introduced to like the rest of the reindeer that they like have in-house. The in-house staff they've got already. Yeah.

And it's everybody else except for Rudolph. But man, oh man, these are all just some of the worst F-grade Muppets you've ever seen. Yeah, it's tough. And it's great because if you really... read like any description about like or any like fan review because there's a bunch of doofuses on IMDB that's like I don't care who you are this is a great movie a lot of people love this movie it's all like oh and the amazing puppetry of these reindeer it's like were you eating that fucking hash bowl too these things look like garbage they look like socks with

little like things on top of them you know what I mean like they're sock based mostly I thought they looked pretty real But, yeah, I was eating it. Well, there are a couple of shots where it's like if you have to get far away and it's like... They put in a real one. They're actual deer that are running around. But when you're getting up close, you know, when these reindeer have to act, they're puppets. Which they do.

They do a lot of... Where we were we? Did we check if this was Frank Welker or no? No, I didn't see if it was. Let's just say it is. I'm sure this. That's, um... The weird part is he's talking to Dudley Moore and he's like, oh, you know, it's all going to be fun.

Don't worry. and you'll just you'll understand everything once it turns time for seasons greetings and Santa Claus says what season greetings and he laughs like you'll see anytime somebody's you'll see yep is a malevolent answer to an easy question every single time it's like hey what's that knife for oh you'll see oh you will see where are you going to hide all that stuff oh you'll see and so I didn't like what season's greetings you'll see I don't see I didn't entirely understand this but like so season's greetings is just like some pagan holiday it's like the elf kickoff to think that's when they commit a blood sacrifice oh is that they get one of them magic deer in there and just skin them make some deer jerky out of them yes does the deer have to be a virgin yeah huh yeah they they got an elf watching it making sure it doesn't get in any funny business a confirmation that it's not frank welker doing any of those oh who does the reindeer voices. Uncredited. So I guess it still

might be Frank Welker, but you know for a fact, Frank Welker is not a dude to go uncredited for noises. No, he knows what he's doing. Yeah. It's this weird holiday wherein they look up to the sky for the North Star to fall right

above them, and then red magic comes down. Oh, right. Yes, yes, yes. And then what it turns into is a very long, creepy montage of elves just getting things done. I got to tell I watched this last Christmas with two tall glasses of water. I should have one.

Yeah, doubling down, huh? I had two. I wasn't alone. I won't say the second party that was with me. And we were both scared for our lives while watching this. Dude, was the second party the ghost of Richard Nixon? It could have been. It could be.

You know what? To me? Just it was a Hail Mary. I don't know who you're hanging out with. Oh, I got to see those documents. Who's Shadak watching these movies with? Oh, you know, I spotted him. mile away is a guy who believes

in the occult. He's cast in all sorts of spells to hang out with ghosts. That's exactly what it is. The terrifying part is like the dancing just starts happening and it won't stop happening. And like it's one of those things like it's a poorly made movie so like there'll be like

three lines of dialogue and it'll just start right back up again and I'm like oh man I'm getting a fucking panic attack. Panic attack. Dude it's like being in the eye of a hurricane because is like they're dancing around the music's terrible they're all just doing shit you don't know what they're doing exactly it's just kind of like getting ready to build toys and dancing and then it stops and Dudley Moore's like oh look at that

it's a bowl of weed ha ha and then you're like okay all right so now the movie's going to move forward oh what's that everyone stopped talking again oh and the music swells back up and they start dancing again yep yep it is wretched there is one part around here where They talk about the prophecy? Yeah, of course there has to be a prophecy. Oh, yep, I've seen those documents. I also have the box set of them Christopher Walken movies on VHS. A lot of horror classics in there.

You know, the prophecy franchise? It's a one-stop shop for classic movies. One, two, three. Even the Canadian television show that ain't got nothing to do with the movies. I watched all of them, too. big prophecy head wow big time archangel gabriel

oh yeah got a tattoo of them on my back so the prophecy has come to pass a chosen one with no children underlined yet who loves children a lot clink cling clink clink double underlined double underlined in the contract

for the prophecy yeah who'd be an artist a craftsman and a skilled maker of toys so this is also like watching this and the prophecy and the the regalia involved yeah it's like uh remember that the uh the santa claus movie with uh tim allen sure yeah i've seen that movie tons of times same idea because he was a weirdo right yeah the first act of this movie is basically the entirety of that tim allen movie the big thing the santa claus though it's a little bit more saccharin like you know what i

mean like everything's glossy looking everything's white and green and red this is a lot of brown it's all like yeah it's a little creepy yeah it's it's a bit unsettling it's a dirty ass mid 80s holiday well the elves originally give santa claus a green outfit and on yaw was not having it no wanted red to match his rosy cheeks oh yeah get that green suit off of my man little did we know that the rosy cheeks was a result of his uh alcoholism And his is frozen to death. Oh, right. His cheeks are permanently rosy because there's fucking hypothermia on his face.

It's like all those blue people in Beetlejuice because they choke to death. Yeah, or Game of Thrones. He's a white walker. He totally is a white walker. He definitely is a white walker. The weird thing is, though, so like Burgess Meredith comes out in all of his glory. People are like holding his mustache. Yeah, it's weird.

It's a one and done scene kind of a thing. But the weird thing is like, where does this guy? come from, and where does he go? Right, because he's cut it as the ancient elf. You know what it is, I feel. God? No, it's just a fan theory I have. I think he's much like the grandfather in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Okay. Get the sledge. There's a new Santa in town. But it's a weird like, there's no, unlike the Tim Allen movie, there's no indication that there's been a Santa Claus already. And so I've got all these questions for these elves. When did you start

this prophecy shit. How long have you been waiting for this to happen? Was this Burgess Meredith's idea? You're going to be Santa, see? That's the way it's going to be. That's the rub. You're going to be Santa now. And then he just like, yeah, he like the nun and the Blues Brothers like floats backward through a door

and it closes. And I'm talking like that because they originally wanted James Cagney to play this role. And he was too physically feeble to do it. I'm too ill to do it, see? Sheard would love to go in there and threaten Santa Claus, see? Well, that's, yeah. I mean, The Salcans are like, well, the ancient elf represents this ancient prophecy,

but also the threatening of Santa Claus, so he can never leave this terrible place. It's the beginning of his eternal servitude. We need someone with gravitas, but with menace. Extra menace. Also represents our inner pathos and our desire to be great. Cut to the younger Salkind watching the Batman TV show. Hey, Dad, how about? I just murdered. The penguin's my favorite character.

Oh, yeah. You could tell Santa Claus what to do. The weird thing is, like, everyone, like, it's this weird scene with, like, this weird, you know, like, whoa, thing going on. And everyone bows, like, Mrs. Claus is afraid, and Santa kind of reluctantly bows to the self. Santa, the reaction on Santa's face is great. We should say, what's the actor's name? David Huddleston? The guy who's the actual Big Lebowski. The other Jeffrey Lobowski. Yeah, it's this guy. He's a great actor. Yes, and this is one of his greatest

roles. I mean, he's good as this part. He's very good in this movie. Yeah, he's a good Santa. And, like, he is kind of looking at Burgess Meredith like, well, mother, if this man decides to shoot me in the face, I guess I'm ready to meet my maker. Like, he's scared of Burgess Meredith. I think that there's also

this thing where, you know, the first night's like, all right, mother, we're going to go to sleep in this big soft bed, but I swear to go. The good thing is they're all pretty small. I could take out 10 or 12. Just like hacks on Jim Doug and take this bedpost and start nailing these elves. Oh, totally. I think he might be

the devil or something. Like he's died, gone to a weird place. Yeah. This guy's barking orders. But like a hell of his own design, it seems. Yeah. But why would... If you're like giving toys to kids, hey? What if you had to do that all the time, brother? But then

whose hell is it? Is it Burgess Merritt's hell or is it Santa's hell? No, it's because it's like they're going to make you hate what you love, like when they made Homer eat all those donuts. Oh, right. You like donuts, eh? We'll try all the donuts in the world. That's what this is. Yeah, exactly.

Like, for now and for, and like, it starts to wear on him eventually. Like, because like, it's a 365 gig, man. There are no vacations. Dude, I was getting tired and starting to feel bad for Santa Claus, man. Because, like, the second he gets back, the second he gets back. You know, it's like

the Olympic committee. Like, once that should It's over with your planning for the next one. And they're like, welcome back, Santa. Now, here's the plans for next year. And he's like, just give me a few minutes, my little elf friends. Suck it up, fat boy. See, you're going to be working in that factory, making toys for next year. Santa needs to take a quick break.

Shut up, Santa. Here's some schematics for the PlayStation 1. So that's a great question. Get to work, Fatty. Because, and that's a problem with this movie as we go through time. Right. We start in like the 1500s. Sure do.

1800s start showing up and there's this kid that starts... I mean, this movie structure is very weird. It's not really... It's kind of like two movies. One is like the story of Santa Claus and the other is like the actual plot of the movie, which we're not even anywhere near yet. No, but that actual plot of the movie is only like 45 minutes long. Yeah, it's kind of an episode of...

It is. It's like an episode of Walking Dead. Everything at, like the first hour of this movie is like, The Legend of Santa Claus. So we're going... through in the 1800s, like, they show this kid, and this is an amazing thing. Shoken this cat. Oh,

yeah. And it's a real cat, too. The Salca's like, without getting a puppet cat. I spent all that money on those puppet reindeer. Get a real kitty in there. We will show the terror of man through this little boy who is torturing this cat. What's kind of awesome, though, is like it's some

like, it appears to be some sort of foggy old London town family, like the 17 or 1800s. All I could think about, was Picard's nexus family at Christmas. And we're going to open prisons, grandfather! Like, that's just all I was thinking, this kid's like, this kid's like,

oh, no, he's strangling my cat he is. He's trying to open this cat. Man, he grabs it by the scruff, and he's, like, shoving it into the ground. You know, it made me uncomfortable. It did, yeah, yeah, as a cat man. Cat man. I'm a cat man.

As most... Eric's name... On Reddit is Catman Carruthers. Don't blow my cover. I'm on some weird subreddit. Oh, yeah, dude, you get into those subs. Oh, man. You go deep enough under Reddit.

You really get it. You really get to hear about Bill Goldberg. I'll tell you that much. You know, it was funny, one night late into the hours, I found what I believe to be the core of the Internet. And in the core of the Internet as I opened the final page, I saw it, Bill Goldberg's filmography, staring back at me, like an endless laughing abyss. I mean, he's just me with a bit more chin scruff, you know what I mean?

Yep, you don't need subs either. Sometimes you could get there with a U-boat. The Real Society and the Elves, they're there. The America's foremost Bill Goldberg and Santa Claus, end age and aliens expert Jesse the body Ventura quote can you believe I was governor of a state for a long

time answer is no you can't you know but I'll give it to him Bill had a better finisher than I did oh the spear was great oh I loved that fucking spear man oh you just knew that train was coming so what the hell's happened so basically

this dead cat almost dead cat at this point um you know um the girl rats him out right the little girl the brother of the brother that's rats him out in a letter to santa not hey mom and dad billy's trying to kill scruffles and what does santa do he doesn't give a fucking flying fuck oh contraire mon frere this motherfucker is the reason why santa claus invents the coal in the stocking policy right but no no no mrs claus is like no no you should pun it you should have a naughty list because he's like

Oh, every kid deserves a toy, even if they kill cats. You're right. But he does finally sign off on it with a... And by the way, mother, make sure that list is accurate. I'll be checking it twice. He assigns the head elf duly. Oh, is that duly, by the way? This moustachioed elf who just...

You know when you walk into your boss's office at the wrong time? And then you get a pile of shit dumped on you? He's like, oh, hey, Santa, how's it going? I was like, you know what? No, no, no. Mrs. Claus is a great idea. Hey, Dooley, come in here. I need you to separate all the kids in the entire world by good and bad, and I'll be checking it twice.

It's like, well, when do you want that? Yep. Santa Claus invented mass surveillance. That's when the surveillance state began. It's been going on since the 1800s. You know, that's what's crazy is that people want to attribute that to Obama. But the thing about it is, you got to continue. contribute it to the orphaned English children

of the Industrial Revolution. They're the ones that caused that shit. They forced Santa's hand on that matter. And because the impetus was Santa Claus, that's why someone named Snowden had to blow the lid. You know what? It's ad-n-up. It certainly is.

Just look at it. Just look at it. It's right there. Another fun highlight, which is very uncomfortable, is another fun highlight Like before the movie starts This is all like this pre-movie role It's a really long preamble

This Santa Claus the movie has It's like Santa comes home from like You know Saving the world or whatever And everyone's sitting around laughing Reading this poem and he's like Oh well well what's so funny Like well it's uh

You know it's twas the night before Christmas And all through the house And he goes through it And he's like And uh big jelly belly And uh like whatever the line is about how fucking fat this guy is. Oh, yeah.

His belly full of jello. It is like, read that part again. Everything gets quiet. Hey, everybody, shut up, shut up. Read that again, Dooley. I, uh, oh, God. Oh, oh, God. Read it from the top.

Funny how. That's a very good pose. It's totally what it is. Jelly belly how. And let me tell you something. Santa, for as fat as he is, little thin-skinned about all. this and so they're like oh a cut to oh it's a bad gag of santa eating a salad like here's the

thing but all the elves are laughing at him too like once he walks out like he's like oh mother am i that fat and all these elves like oh my god this guy doesn't know how fucking OPC is oh man this guy's so fucking fat you know but the funny thing is you feel like those reindeer would be working a lot less. Yeah, absolutely. You could use less reindeer. You could cycle them in and out. Yeah, you wouldn't need eight reindeer. Yeah, you get like five and three subs. It's bad enough that the sack is so heavy with all them toys. The mystical toys. They never, they don't get into like, they do say some stuff about like, well, how can I do it all in one night? And Bridges Meredith goes, when you ride, time rides with you. Dude, it's the

creepiest. What the fuck are you talking about? And that's when you realize, like, this movie is really trying to make, and it doesn't come anywhere close to being successful at this, but is trying to make the Santa Claus myth like as realistic as possible. Yes. Like he's trying to give an explanation for how he can hit every house

all over the world or whatever. So time is meaningless because he's a dead internal being. Yeah, that's true. It's sort of like the Grim Reaper jumping around. That's true. I'm coming for Christmas, you hear? And hell's coming with.

With me! And he rode a pale horse. And with him, and hell followed with him. That would have been great, actually, if all the reindeer were like skeletons. Oh, yeah. Like, they look like normal reindeer, but when they cross in front of the moon, they just turn into skeletons. Dude, the four Santas of the apocalypse? Some little kid is just really scared.

He's like, oh, you don't believe in. Ghost Stories. You're in one. Look at that Pirates of the Canada. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Maybe there's a monkey. So they're... Jeffrey Ruffish would make a good Santa Claus. Has he ever played Santa Claus?

No, he's too malevolent. Yeah, that's true. I think he's too old now, too, right? Yeah. He could be a crampus. He could be a crampus. Yeah, like, crampus's dad. Anybody see that crampus? No, I meant to. And then I saw it's PG-13. I was like, oh, seriously? I'll wait.

That's making it even harder for me to give a fuck. That might be an unrated Blu-ray situation. Now, it's PG-13. So no sexual terror.

Yeah, but I mean, like, you know, it's a horror movie. There's no good kills likely, you know what I mean? Yeah. That's a shame. Oh, man.

Crampus is killing people? Yeah, of course he is. It's the whole point of the movie. Oh, wow. Jeez. So Santa also says, by the way, that he needs an assistant

right around now. Well, he just gets tired. You know, it's, now we get into the 1980s, which is the present. Yes. And, you know, the go-go 80s, you know, he didn't discover cocaine. And he's like, oh, man, I need it. I'm just fucking tired, mother. This fucking Christmas shit every goddamn day.

And everyone's pissed off about when they got their fucking present. But working my fat tits off for 475 fucking years. Not one vacation for Santa Claus. Nope, nope. And those fucking reindeer look at me like, they got it tough. You don't got a fucking morgue. I am overseeing everything in this place The lights don't stay on unless I fucking look at this stuff

That's why he's whipping him so hard He's jealous of them Yeah He hates them because he wants to be them Just want to see him bleed a little bit So it's a thing where it's like It's down to Dudley Moore's patch character And I believe this Dooley fellow

No it's another guy Puffy Oh Jesus who can't fucking elves Well there's a great You see all the elf beds by the way And I noticed one of them They have their names on them like he would do it in Louis. This one is just called snood.

Yeah, I thought that was pretty great. Snood. But so, yep, that's how that game came to pass. Yeah. One of the elves came into the high corporate world and went to Silicon Valley

and created possibly the most addicting game of 1998. I had the top score on all of snoods for the entirety of the state of Minnesota. Oh man, you ever sit down for a good snood session? be downloading a couple of songs off a Napster. Put on a liquid television and really have yourself a Saturday. Oh man, that was like, honestly, I can say it now looking back and I'm not going to get any guff from anybody.

That was the majority of my gubernatorial reign in Minnesota, just kicking back with a couple of bruise, playing some snood watching Eon flux. Oh, baby, that's how you. you have a Saturday in Minnesota. Holy shit. Sign in some legislature every now and again, but mostly snoodin.

And I mean, that lady was really skinny and a cartoon, but it worked for me. Oh, my God. It's crazy how good this sounds. I'm like, that's a nice Saturday. Yeah, man. Yeah, totally, dude. What the fuck.

Oh, so, well, there's a great line. And so when, like, Patch and Puffy are both like, we want to be your assistant, San-out, you know, we both think, oh, yeah, we have good ideas. This, that, nothing is he goes, all right, everybody, let's settle down. Don't make me campaign promises. Just show me how you can do the job. Yeah, he breaks a pool queue and a half. Tosses it at their feet. Oh, man.

But so then that's what's fucked up. We're going to have tryout. it's fucked up though because dudley more's like well i have all these great ideas for how to speed up the process santa and it's like all these like conveyor belt things that are going wrong you see it happening and this blows up in santa's face it does all these toys start falling apart and here's the thing they send them back to santa which is like a nonsense thing i think like santa installs magic garbage cans in every house i think this should be like santa clause is like the fact that they have to now move towards mass production for this stuff yes there are too many children in the world and now he has to take some out yeah oh yeah he's got he's got to make it a manageable population puffy you don't get to be my assistant you have an even more important job that of the management of the child genocide department thin that herd puffy Thin it right out.

We've got that magic dust. How about some magic gas? They'll never see it coming. Their chimneys are always open to Santa. And that's how you do it, man. That's how you do it. That's how you kill these fucking families, man. You do it with the chimneys, all right?

I don't care if you're pumping gas down them. I don't care if you're clogging it up and making a fire inside. You get it done, man. And then everyone puts blood on their door so Santa goes over. their house. Yeah, exactly. He passes over their house. And then when everyone dies, you write, what was it for, for, for, for dump?

Turducken. It's whatever that elf word was. Ver turducken. And you read it on the door and then you know, oh, Vendigum. It's a plague house. The weird thing is, so like, it's the 80s now. And Santa is not only giving them shoddy toys, he's still given, like, wooden boats. That's a big problem for me.

And little, like, wooden carts and shit. And it's like, dude. get a toy license, I want Ninja Turtles or go fuck yourself. Exactly right. That's a big problem for me in this movie because all of these toys, no wonder they're getting fucking returned. It's all hobby horse bullshit. I don't need this crap.

What's a fucking red wooden race car Santa? It's a piece of shit. Well, listen, that used to... Give me a NASCAR, you idiot. Give me a die-cast metal thing. No, that used to be enough. And maybe, just maybe, the message of Christmas shouldn't be about your fucking Ninja

Turtles and your fucking Ninja Turtles and your fucking NASCAR, I guess. I meant Hot Wheels, but yeah. I said NASCAR. Hey, Santa, wake the fuck up. Nintendo exists. Exactly. That's all I'm saying.

Get these elves into, like, better classes. You know what even? They need to understand how to play video games. They need to program things. Send those fuckers to Japan. Learn how to code. Make those goddamn games. Maybe read some Adam Smith, learn about the invisible hand of the market.

All right. That's what you need Because you're fucking old hat Santa Claus Yeah This wooden push cart crap Isn't gonna work anymore Dude he doesn't even have the cup With the ball on the string

I know it's nuts That's like Circa Great Depression You couldn't even have that Santa Secondary question Why is there so much yellow in the North Pole What like snow pee? No No like the paint

Like it's red green and yellow For some reason And like Santa's kind of hangout outfit Like you know you come home from work And like you get this a bad school shorts and a t-shirt. He looks like fucking Pagliacci in this thing. It's this great big yellow and green polka dot smock. And I'm like, what in the hell am I looking at? Dude, I thought he was working for Danny DeVito's penguin.

I know. He's dressed up like a big, fat old clan. You're totally right. Yes. What a fucking house suit, Santa. So this is where we're introduced to Rich Little Cornelia and the Orphan Joe. Whatever. You know what? I think they might be characters in this movie. Wait, Rich Litter's in...

Rich Little is in this? What? Rich Little? No. Rich Little Cornelia. She's rich. She's little, and her name is Cornelia. She's not an impressionist from the 1970s.

Oh, well, then I'm not interested. Go on. She's not throwing glitter in your face. But was that Rich Litter? Was he throwing glitter? That was Rip Taylor. Oh, Rip Taylor, of course. He did?

I don't think so. That's a movie. Hello, it's Santa Claus. Yeah. Right there is why he never played Santa Claus. Maybe that's what's going to be. is like when Rip Taylor dies, he's going to go to this mystical land

and like they've been waiting for him. Oh, right. And now we're going to be glitter bombing everybody. All of the world will be glitter bomb. There's like elves manufacturing glitter right now. That's Santa for like 2016 and on. Yes, yeah, absolutely. Wake up snood.

It would be awesome. So Joe is like this little orphan. This is in New York City, by the way. So he's like a, hey, he's like, fuck you kind of orphan, which is pretty great. And this girl, Cornelia, she kind of looks like our friend Pippi longstocking a little bit, but not really. I don't know what time tunnel she's being raised in because it's weird because you're going through like the 1800s and then you cut to this little girl in the present day and you don't know it's the present day because she's in this like leather bound and like velvet lined place when she's wearing this little like house coat that looks like the 1750s. It looks like the 1750s because she's a member of the aristocracy.

Oh, I see. She is the onest of the 1%. It's basically American royalty that the con is. They change the name. They don't say royalty. So you don't know. You don't know any better. But that's the weird thing, though.

It's not just her. Because the orphan Joe, he's dressed up like fucking tiny Tim. And I'm like, what is going? And then you look and like it's Manhattan. The Pan Am buildings there. He's like, what the fuck is going on? Are they time travelers? Did they get lost in a time tunnel?

Are two timelines converging into one? Oh, you know what? Because Santa has been so, like, carefree with, you know, he's got time magic that he just goes in and out every year, once a year. He comes in, in and out, just to give everyone a fucking toy. What he's doing is tearing up to space time. Yeah, it's all blurring together. You know what this movie could use is the time.

A dinosaur? Well, obviously, but also the time bandits going through it, you know, causing a little mayhem. Man, that's a movie that I just find unwatchable. What? I know I'll get a lot of flack for it. And it's just a thing I don't get. I know a lot of people love time bandits.

I can't watch that movie. It's a Terry Gilliam thing. I find it totally uninteresting. Like, I like a lot of Terry Gilliam's movies. Yeah. Time bandits. No thanks. Yeah.

Well, I just guess I don't understand you. we'll take a pause here for a little factoid do you know who is supposed to originally direct this movie who they approached and like had some ideas really wanted to do this thing I do but tell the audience John Carpenter Man instantly better movie

With Brian Dennyhy is Santa Claus Man instantly more dangerous movie That's a dangerous Santa Claus Dude Buh do do do do do do da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Bown Bown Bown

all you kids are naughty you're naughty if he scored this fucking Santa Claus movie holy shit would it be great well that was the thing he wanted to score that he's like I'll only do it

because it's the John Carpenter rule man I get to produce it I get to write it and direct it and I'm scoring the fuck out of it they're like everything's cool except for that last part boughda da da da da da da bown man by the way lost themes

pick it up out now great record yeah that would have been better. Brian Denehy is Santa Claus, though, man, I don't know. That, that, that is a really different movie. That is a greater movie. But it's not this,

I mean, this movie is not anything. It's a different movie. It's, it's an interesting and maybe scary movie. That's your crampus. Oh, yeah. Brian Denny, dude, I saw him on stage two years ago. Choke slam crampus. He is, I mean, like, he's just towering above everyone on

stage, and I'm like, dude, if he starts, and he's like 79 years old, I'm like, He starts punching people. Everyone's dead. Like, he can take out this whole audience. Oh, sure. He'll run our test this bitch and everywhere's in trouble now. Amass Denny.

Oh, my God. You don't want that. Oh, no. All somebody did you do is like a cell phone rings. And he's like, oh, who the fuck did that? Dude, yeah, I would be just shit and peas, man. Just shit and peas watching Denny. The closest thing I can come.

What's his face? Fucking Michael Shannon. Oh, yeah. My wife and I saw. Michael Shannon in a production of Our Town. And he's doing the narrator role. And he's coming out to tell you to not have your cell phone on, right? And it's like, you know, we're sitting on the floor.

It's like our town. You're like right in it, you know? And he comes out and he's just standing there, not saying a word, just looking at everybody. And then he takes a cell phone out of his pocket. This hilarious, like, old flip phone, flips it open to show you that it's on, shakes his head. and closes the phone and walks away. That's creepy. I almost threw my phone on the ground and stepped on it, just to be sure.

Yeah, that's the ice man. Yeah, dude. I was like, this dude's going to fucking cut my throat. Speaking of theater stories, because he's an actor in this movie. Yes. I saw John Lithgow's naked butt on stage. Oh, really? The toast of Broadway.

How's that looking? It was pretty nice. Not a lie, it's not bad. You'd think it'd be flabby here for his advanced stage, but he's keeping it tight. For his advanced age. Well, we can get into John Lithgow, whatever. I mean, now we're in the 80s and yeah.

He's like a toy magnate all his own. He's kind of like Dan Aykroyd's shoddy toy maker as a movie. Pretty much. Yeah, it's like he's, I guess he's in the middle of some like congressional hearing. Yes. Because they're like, so this is your toy, right? And he's like, well, yes, it is. And it like sets on fire or something.

and he's trying to, like, make excuses for why it's, like, totally fine. I didn't think of that about the Dan Aykroyd gag. You're totally right. Because, and then they open up a panda bear. It's got broken glass. And he's like, well, that's outrageous. What? How did that happen?

Yeah, and the teddy bear has nails in it? It's like, wait a second, you're freaking losing money shoving nails in there. What are you doing? How does that even happen? And I, John Lithgow is the only guy, and I mean, because he's never met a set that didn't taste delicious. Oh, sure. That is really. fucking hamming it up in this movie.

Dude, by end credits, he's got a full belly full of scenery. But he's grading it in that way. Him and Santa are the best and only good parts of this movie. I'm a Dudley Moore fan. He's just kind of snooze in a bit. He's not doing anything even close to being Dudley Moore.

It's a shitty character. Who then, by the way, gets fired for being Santa's assistant. Right. And now he's like going to, he's doomed to walk the earth. Well, that's the thing I was like self-imposed exile because Santa is very much like well I'm sorry patch

but it just didn't work out you're still free to work on the assembly line as always and he's like no packs a bindle full like fairy dust and a shirt hobo elf yeah and he just leaves and somehow makes it to Manhattan like we all do I guess

why doesn't he just fucking go to Asgard at that point you're right it's closer it's definitely closer they would eat him the frost giants They don't look kindly on the Verde Hogan. Not at all. So he sees, I think it's like a TV ad or some sort of thing for John Lithgow's toy company. And he's like, hey, maybe I'll go try to work for that man.

And like goes and like has this really weird job interview with John Lithgow where it starts off like, I'd like to work for you. And he's like, well, who the fuck are you? And then he's like, oh, I'm a magic elf. and starts like just transporting to different parts of this office. And yeah, John Lithgow's eyes are bulging out of his fucking head. Oh, man, it's kind of great. He's like running all over this place trying to catch him. This is also, the elves aren't really that much shorter than other people,

but they are Lord of the Ringsing it a bit, wherein they're like clearly filming one at one point and another or another and mashing them together. I think sometimes though John Lithgow's just got heels on. Yes, and like Dudleymore and Orr is on his knees, like kind of a thing. And these scenes are at its most obvious. Like one time, like, they're both sitting on like a table and like you can see like there's a seesaw in effect. We should also mention that this orphan Joe befriends Santa at some point around here. Oh, I think this is right after he's caught staring in the window of a McDonald's for about two minutes.

Oh, wow. This is a commercial break, ladies and gentlemen. It really is like nuts. It's this kid. this starving orphan child staring in this McDonald's and they play this like it is the most magic place in all the land this McDonald's. He's like

oh man she's got a mouth-watering hamburger and that woman's eating a chicken nugget you know they're so good and he's got a shake and it's also this it's a dual thing it's a dual want aside from the obvious commercial it's like food because I'm a pork and then all these families are having such a lovely time together. Oh, all these

families are sitting around. It's like fucking Don Draper wrote this spot. Seriously, you ever see an actual family eating into McDonald's? They all want to kill each other. Every last one of them wishes they and their family members were dead. And they look disgusting. And they're drinking out of

Santa Claus the movie cups and whatnot because I think this had a tie. Well, to be fair, did it? I think it had a tie. We're all a bit, I think, skewered by like going to like the Times We're a McDonald's, where it's like families at the end of their ropes and dudes who have just or are about to jerk off. So in between. Dude, it's like that everywhere, man.

Growing up and upstate New York, right? Man, we used to see those desperate times. So Sanna does something very irresponsible around here, which is take this kid on the toy run with him. Let's him drive the sleigh he does. It's weird because, like, is this the first homeless kid you've ever come across in like you're not? You know all the world's troubles. Yes. Yeah.

Also, you preside not to be a jerk or nothing, but you presided over America and the 1800s, the entirety of the 1800s. A lot of shit was going down, Santa Claus, that you could have helped with. Oh, yeah. Oh, big time. That he could have helped with.

Helped stop. Please, please, let's go into this. How would Santa Claus prevent the Civil War? He had magic. If he just came down, it was like, look, everybody. these people are people. Maybe people would understand. I was going to say, Steve, you're fairly sure

that Santa would be on the union side of the situation. I would hope so. Santa Claus abolitionist? Definitely not. Definitely not. I think... Wouldn't get that vote through Congress. If you'll just look at this movie

and who he gives presents to throughout the course of the movie, you would see that every race that is not white must be on the naughty list. Yeah. Oh, you're not wrong. It's the whitest. white Christmas you'll ever fucking see. True story. He's a German man

from the 1500s. Don't expect him to be progressive. But yeah, he does take... Santa Claus, King of the South. I don't care who he are. That's funny. Maybe Jeff Dunham should give a fucking Santa Claus puppet. Oh, sure. Santa Claus the dead

terrorist. Or whatever. Man. Santa terrorism. I'm on board. whatever he calls those stupid fucking puppets man that'd be i just want a twilight i want him to turn into a fucking racist puppet one of these days that'd be great oh man this should be on the other puppet foot then huh steve you should become a ventriloquist see how he likes it isn't there isn't there that episode of the twilight yeah when they switch yeah jesus that terrifies me but you all know my thing in puppets it's not good no thanks but so he takes this kid he's like oh oh a homeless a boy that

doesn't have a place to live that's ridiculous this is the first one i've seen in four hundred years. Bullshit. Yeah, he was drowning them in rivers, I bet. Was it a white boy that doesn't have a place to live? Well, this is a travesty. You get to work with Santa now. And he's joyriding. He's letting this kid steer the sleigh. And this is where he says something about, like, the only thing that reindeer haven't been able to do is a loop to loop. What the fuck are you doing, Zana? A super duper looper. Oh, man. The fucking triple lindy. Yeah. And like, Donner is, made out to be neurotic you know what I mean? Which I guess is a shot

at Richard Donner because it's Al-Qaeda's work to them, I guess. Oh man, do you think this is just tweaking the nipples of Richard Donner? Just poking the bear, Donner? Well, because they fired him in that second Superman movie. Oh, that's true. They're like, yes, Donna is the shittiest reindeer.

He's the, he's the reindeer filled with the most cowardice. And then we will bring in Lester, the better reindeer. And Santa will just use Donna to get his whipping in just to feel the flesh be strips.

And then fire him. At least this Donna has a bit in his mouth and knows his place. There's no Rudolph in this, right? Because you got to pay for that shit, dude. Oh, really? Yeah, Rudolph is owned by something, yeah.

What? Who? Those two greedy-ass sisters that own happy birthday? Or used to, I'm glad those fucking ghosts got that's taken away. Man, owning happy birthday. Whatever. Whatever twins from the Shining that owned Happy Birthday.

No, you say that, but now every birthday cake's going to be haunted, viciously haunted. Why would the cake be haunted? Yep. Spirits have been known to infest inanimate objects when it does them pleasure, especially delicious ones such as cakes. Hey, I listen to this We Hate Movie Show, hoping to hear about my favorite movie, Santa Claus, the movie from 1985, they went on a lot of

bullshit tangents. That's not how you get elected to office. You stay on point. You stay on the issues and then you play snood when you can. But they did have a good point about being in a cake. I mean, if I got nowhere to go, why

wouldn't I go in a cake? It's delicious. So it's important to remember. It's not that important, it turns out, But these fucking reindeer can't do a loop-to-loop. Over the World Trade Center, which is, you know, nearly colliding with it.

Yeah. Well, you want to look into that, too. You know, I think Santa had something to do inside the top floor of Building 7. Just take a look into it. That's all I'm asking. Just open your eyes a bit. You know, that fella, Stephen Sadek, had a good point.

What Santa didn't do in the 1800s, why didn't he stop the 9-11? It's truly good. Santa certainly could have. Santa had every opportunity to turn those planes around. Just saying. There's a photograph of him with the briefed papers knowing that Al-Qaeda was imminent.

Santa had those documents months in advance and chose to go on vacation instead. Oh, I'm watching a video of him reading the sloppy elf to all these elves while the towers are going down. Patch comes up and tells her what goes on, and he keeps reading. You know I shot with my own eyes

Thousands and thousands of elves cheering as the towers fell You should rent my new movie loose stockings Tells you all about these conspiracies and more Also are these kids dating They are It's weird like There's one because like I think this movie takes place Over a couple of years

Like it goes like 85 to maybe 87 Yes Because Santa comes back around a second time, and he's like, well, Joe, are you in Cornelia seeing a lot of each other lately? And he's just like, yeah, we are. What's it to you, you fat fuck? And he's like, very good, Joe. Everyone needs a friend, wink. Me and Mrs. Claus, are the best friend. But, yeah, so Dudley Moore is like, he has this misguided thing where it's like, oh, Santa's so mad to me because all the toys are terrible. what he wants to do is get back at his good graces by kind of like

I guess stealing Christmas from him Well it's kind of like I will steal this one Christmas from Santa So he know what's going to yeah show him what I can do I can be this I'm I got a lot of great ideas about making toys Better than those shitty ass wooden race cars Get out of the fucking 20th century Santa We're almost at the millennium you got to be thinking ahead Get some toy licenses talk to George Lucas

That's what the kids want It's 1985. They want some AT-A-Ts. And there's this great team between him and Lithgow. He's like, oh, well, then I have these lollipops that'll make all the kids fly. It'll be great. And he's like, oh, that sounds wonderful. How much you want to charge for this?

And he's like, well, we give away for free. And he goes, for free. Oh, man. It is classic Lithgow right here flipping out. Oh, man. It was actually in this moment. I can't even get there because I don't know the breathing exercises he does in the morning to do whatever this one. No, no way.

I don't think the windows in this room would take it And I realized right there at that delivery I was like, John Lithgow is one of America's greatest actors Because you are taking this garbage nonsense And for your brief time in this movie Because again, it's only 45 minutes with this man in this movie He's making it entertaining You know how to do a good cartoon

You know what I mean? Like that's his movie gets it But the funny thing is the rest of the movie Isn't subscribing to the tone that he's bringing to it No, not at all We're trying to make Santa begin and we're trying to make it as serious as Christopher Nolan made Batman

and it's not flying but then here he comes Lithgowing all over the set and you're like yeah that's what this movie should be everyone take a cue from Lithgow just mimic him do what he's doing bring his energy to it not this self-serious whore shit so this is an advertising campaign that happens

and all this nonsense where they dress Dudley Moore in this outfit there's some weird gay bashing about the assistant right where he's like what color should it be and it's like fuchsia which is like hot pink and like Lithgow's like you would say that

and it's like whoa what are we talking about why is this in this movie? It's actually puce. It's puce. Yes because what I don't I wonder about you sometimes.

Well because he says puse because one of the things that he's inventing or making or whatever is puse juice? Yes. Okay. Kind of sounds like piss or pube juice.

Or puker. Oh could be puk juice. Any peeve in the book? book really yeah it's disgusting poop juice oh it could be poop juice oh sir poop juice so he they released these toys and it's like a you know it's a sensation and all these kids are kind of floating but not really and it's amazing like this world a first of all and this movie does us all the time where certain people don't believe in santa claus which is bullshit then who is this creep throwing garbage toys down your chimney every year um john lithgow's character so he doesn't believe in

Santa Claus because he never got any toys from him. Yeah, well, he was a naughty boy. I think maybe the entire world's naughty. And like Santa Claus is delivering like two things now. Why do you need to stop time for two things? He's two kids.

Oh, he is morbidly obese. Yeah, these are the only kids he talks to. And where is the line by the way? I think it's around here. Santa says something. I think it's to the little boy where he goes you know what Mrs. Claus always says. If you give extra kisses, you get bigger hugs.

Yikes. No, no, you know who says that? Dudley Moore. Oh, does he? Dudley Moore says, oh, you know, Mrs. Claus is always going on about. Right. And it's like, what is going on at the North Pole? Not for nothing. The only lady in the North Pole? Mrs. Claus. No lady elves. No lady elves. What are you getting at, Steve? I'm just saying if you give, she's just taking all these elves aside. I don't know. Letting them know if you give extra kisses, you get bigger hugs. Just to. Look, you're, you're living forever. You're with all these

people. Three, six, five. Something's going down. Wait, you think Mrs. Claus is servicing every elf? Not servicing. They're all having a good time. It's a liberty society, man. It's the North Pole, baby. And I don't know what side. Maybe Santa's getting into it.

Who knows? I think there's the other side of it, too. I think the elves are going at each other like bonkers. Oh, yeah. That's definitely happening. Yeah. A bunch of lemmings. A little bit of both. Do you think Santa would be cool with, like, getting an elf mixed in with that bed with this old lady? You get snoot in there? Hundreds and hundreds of years you get bored.

Totally. You got to spice it up somehow. The only way you can is with elves or Burgess Meredith. Or the reindeer. You don't want to be playing that game. No, I'm saying. Let me finish. You don't want to be playing that game.

You know that avenue's there, but you don't want to go down that road. All right. Listeners at home, don't play that game. Consenting elves are you. humans only. Exactly. Thank you. Age appropriate. Or a bumble if you can find it. Oh, yeah. I've heard they bounce back. If you find a bumble, you'd be ready to rumble in that ass. In that ass. Or whatever it's got. Whatever hole. So it's a big success and whatever. It's like Wednesday.

Now we're going to do Christmas too. Oh, right. That's what it is. He's going to do the sequel, the Christmas. on March 25th. It's a fine gag. Do you think, though, it's a thing where, like, this movie was like, you know, Santa Claus the movie, too, could be happening. Definitely, of course. They wanted

everything. They wanted Santa and the Temple of Doom. They wanted, uh, what's a... Santa Claus of the Crystal Skull? That one sort of makes more sense. The, uh, the North Pole's kind of like a crystal kingdom at least. That's true. Oh, maybe

uh, Santa like ran, I'm sack in The Fortress of Solitude. It's all up there, right? They are next door neighbors. That's totally true. At some point, when Santa takes this kid, Joe, on, like, his ride again or something, they're sitting on a roof. And he's like, well, Joe, come on.

You have to give the call to make the reindeer go. And this kid, at his most alf, just goes, yo. Yeah. And, like, gets these reindeer to fly. And I'm like, come on. Stop making this kid, like, born out of everything. the Staten Island dump. I get it. He's from New York.

Maybe he's trying to train his replacement. Like, all I got to do, get this kid to know everything about Santa and how to do the job, and then I off him and the elves will take him. Man, well, we'll get there because the end of this movie sets up that theory pretty nicely. Oh, wow.

We're pretty much almost there now. Yeah. But at this point, Santa starts getting really fucking thin-skinned again. He's like, well, I guess nobody loves me, mother. I guess my toys are shit and everybody loves or missed of that little patch. Right. I never liked him anyway.

Well, that's the thing is 80s Emperor Reagan mass capitalism is really starting to get to Santa. Because... Bound, boom, boom, boom. Put on the special glasses. See Christmas for what it's for. Exactly. Exactly. Santa's seeing clearly for the first time.

And also, but here's the thing. Santa's actually a bad capitalist. Because for the first time ever, there's competition. Yep. And he's just pissing and moaning about it. Like, oh, mother, there's a new game in town. And Jenna just can't compete with his wooden race car. You know why?

Because Dudley Moore's making fucking lollipops that'll get you high, literally. That's a cool toy. That is a cool toy. I bet there's drugs in that shit, too, right? You know, like pixie dust and a little metham... A little PCP. Some PEDs in there, performance. Angel dust.

It's all in there. You got some sweet. Mexican browns thrown in the mix, everything. Some THC. These lollipopopes will get you where you're going. And I cost a fortune. I got enough pixie dust, but I got to go to Mexico for the rest. Or maybe the Silk Road.

What you're trying to tell me is that this company wasn't putting THC in these kids candies. Because if it's one thing I know about the government, it loves sneaking THC into things and seeing what it does. does to you. Just look at it. Look at the acid test. It's all right there. It's all right in front of you. I urge you to open your eyes. Put on the glasses and see for the first time. It's there in those lollipops. Santa Claus, the movie, tells you everything you need to know. They weren't hiding it. They didn't have to. It was decades off. So whatever. Christmas 2 is coming. Lithgow's like now we're going to charge for it. It's going to be big. We're going to do candy canes instead of lollipops. And he is Cornelia's great uncle or some horse shit. Yeah, like she lives with him but is being raised by the maid. Yeah. It's very bizarre. It's the only reason this happens is because Joe and her are hanging out on a date. A date in her basement. And at night his Lithgow's assistant shows up. He's like, oh my God, I found out. that this health doesn't know shit about chemistry

and these candy canes will explode if you heat him up and he's like, well, who cares? Let's go to Brazil. Like it's kind of, it's, yeah, it's a really like, we didn't know how to finish this screenplay. Yeah. When the guy is just like, how about South America? Just let this happen, whatever.

But also just they're like, oh, you know that, I guess you put too much magic in those candy canes. Yeah. So they'll explode, question mark. Sure. If you ate it, would the heat from, like, your stomach acid and stuff also then make it explode? Yeah, also the FDA should be looking at this thing. You know what I mean?

You can't just sell food like this. Yeah, toy is one thing, but this is to be eaten. And it's got magic in it. We Ate Movies was promoting government oversight. They want the government watching you. Listen, if I want to manufacture candy for. mass consumption out of my garage. That's my constitutional right to do so.

And not we hate movies, nor the federal government, can stop me. You know, you can't get a good snood rom anymore? You know why that is? The government. You know, if I just want to kick back on a Saturday night in Minnesota and just snood and chill, something tells me the government's going to have something to say about it, about both parts, about the snooding. And the chilling.

They outlawed snood and marijuana because they don't like where your wavelengths in your brain go to. Because when you're high on marijuana and playing snood, you start thinking the things you should be thinking and raising the questions you should be raising. Aren't we just little balls being shot by the government at each other? Aren't I just the little blue guy and you the green guy? But that's the green triangle guy.

And that's the problem. They want us matching up, shape to shape, and color to color. They don't want it mixing. Shapes and colors can't mix in the government's nude world. Trust me, I looked into it. Isn't it crazy how there's multiple of us talking to each other? The government doesn't want that. So Dudley Moore also is like trying to get back to the North Pole to like apologize to Santa or whatever.

What happens is so like, oh right, there's another idol that was carved. Joe, Joe gets, the present Santa gives him is a Dudley Moore action figure. He's like, ew, great. Yeah, that Santa carved for himself. And Joe gets kidnapped because he's going to mention it to Santa. And, like, Lithgow's got these goons. He was like, put this kid on ice. I'm like, what in the world is going on?

Oh, yeah, this character that Lithgow's playing doesn't really care about taking a child's life. He's done it before, he'll do it again. Or this guy who's dressed like a doorman who's like, I don't care if you live or die, kids. You can rock down here. I'm like, what the fuck? But basically, he gets out. Moore releases him. They get to talk and they realize that, oh, my God, we're in the wrong.

Let's go to the North Pole and see Santa. At this point, Santa is going to see him. It's a big fucking circle around, resulting in Dudley Moore has his own sleigh. He built a rocket car with all these candy canes in the back loaded up and they're going to blow like the end of casino. You know what I mean? Yeah. I was going to say it's like the car you're following in touch of evil in that opening shot that just blows up at the end of it. Yeah, or like in Scarface.

He's like, no kids. Oh, my God. Don't blow up the car with the kids in it. Or Godfather, Apollonia's Deathmobile. Oh, man. I am learning to drive, Michael. Amelonia! Cabloy!

Love that. Oh, RIP, Apollonia. Yeah, they're driving around and, like, Santa's like, Oh, my God, that car's going to blow. It's him and the girl and Dudley Moore and the boy are in separate cars. Yeah. Chasing each other. And for some reason, like, he can't honk to get his attention.

Like, they're chasing each other but unnecessarily. See, and this is where if you bothered to license Rudolph, this would have helped because he can start blinking in the night. Turn on the high beams, man. Exactly. And it doesn't happen. And Santa's got this crazy thing because it's only like a few days after Christmas. And the girl's like, come on Santa. speed the sleigh of and he's like well i can't cornelia the reindeer need a year to rest they're

not used to this kind of labor they're all tuckered out yeah cut the shot of their backs bleeding ripped apart by that whip oh yeah and so then here's the thing that doesn't make sense is santa is like so the only way we can make this work and save them is if the reindeer do this loop-to-loop thing what the fuck for it doesn't make any it's like it's the only way like somebody looked at this screenplay, I was like, well, somebody's got to learn something in this movie, right? Like, you got to set something up in the beginning that somebody learns, and at the end, they do it. Hey, how about a loop to loop? Sure. There you go. And that's fun. That's fun. Everybody likes loop to loops. So basically, as they're loop to looping, Dudley Moore's car explodes. Yeah.

And like, they're all falling in the sky. And when they loop to loop again, they land in there. But it's totally, just pull up to the side and be like, hey, dude, slow your car down. Yep. Pull over. It's going to blow. Exactly. So, yeah, Santa foils this child murderer, John Lithgow. That's what this movie, this third act is. Santa foiling a child murderer. I would love to see

Santa just knock his block off. Something like that. Yeah. The John Carpenter version, right? Oh, yeah. Denahey would be just knocking his teeth. Dude, Denahey in the red suit, go, like, marching into that office building, hitting the fucking elevator button, and looking like he's going to really give you one.

Well, that's the thing that's crazy. Is this... I think he's riding up that elevator. So you're like fucking with kids, huh? Well, because you're totally right. There's no scene in this movie where Santa encounters John Lithgow and he's like, you're a fucking asshole.

Oh, ho! Now I'm going to drown you in the East River. Like, that never happens. Enjoy being naughty at the bottom. But he kind of... Well, Lethka does this to himself. like it's kind of the end of Shawshank for the warden like they're knocking on the door and look I was like what am I going to do and he doesn't have a gun to blow his brains out

yeah he just starts he's like oh these candy can't make you fly so he eats like a hundred of them oh yeah and he just sails out the window and up into the atmosphere what a terrifying end and here's the thing he thinks he's getting away with it right but and then there's a shot of him exiting the earth's atmosphere it's the last shot of movie. He's going into outer space. He is dead. I would love, because this happens also in Superman Ford with Muriel Hemingway. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. By nuclear man, by the hair in space and nothing's happening to her. And it's like, I just want Neil deGrasse Tyson to sit down with Ilya Silken and have a lunch and explain what space is. Yes. I think that's

another one. I think we need Neil deGrasse Tyson to fact-check Santa Claus the movie. Can we get actually get kneeled the grass on a lot of the space stuff, but get the myth busters on that loop-to-loop. Right, yeah. See what they can shake out. You know, just throw Jesse, Jesse the body, Ventura, bone, and give him on the rest of it. Get him everything.

Yop, I'll oversee the whole fact-finding mission. I'll take a look, boys. I'll take it from here. The other really creepifying fucking thing in this movie is Santa comes back to the North Pole with these two kids, and he's like, Guess what, mother? We're parents now.

Because Joe's an orphan and Cornelia's kind of just an orphan too. So wait, this means that Santa Claus an internal dead being who is living... Right. He's going to watch these children grow old and die. No, I think it's kind of like the end of beetle juice, actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true. Or maybe it's a thing if you're at the North Pole, like you don't age. So maybe if they just live there, if these kids live there year round, they're not going to get old. I would love... So to your point, Eric, earlier, that's it.

He's setting these kids, I was like, they'll grow up to be about 20 or 30, mother, and then we skip out. And then they're the ones worrying about Christmas year in and year out. Yeah, you know what? Actually, you're totally right. We'll fatten them up, too.

They'll never, these elves will never tell the difference. These kids aren't related by blood so they can be married. That is your Santa and Mrs. Klaus right there. Santa's retirement plan. Santa's like feeding them Twinkies a lot and stuff. And then he's, and then you know what Santa does to get away for good. He slips into the hollow earth. There are portals in the North Pole.

You can find out more about it on my YouTube show. The one thing I would like, off the grid. If purchased Meredith comes back at the end, like, we shall not have any more mortals, it has not been prophesied. Exactly. How do you not bring him back in any capacity and be like, well, this is quite out of the old. ordinary. And he just slits those kids' throats those kids' thro? Oh, yeah. Now they're reindeer

food, dude. Oh, yeah. He just... Like, Burgess Meredith hucks these little kids into the trough. It's for you, goober and snood. Put them through this meat grinder and feed them to the elves. You and Ed to the butcher. Fargo, season two.

And that's the end of that movie, man. There's more dancing and merriment. It gave me more of a... The cold sweat was going down my cheek when that happened. I mean, we're just dancing and singing and sucking each other off all the way through most of these credits. And then there's a Sheena Easton song or a... Is it Sheena Easton? I think it is.

I'll have to pull it up. I mean, and it's one of those... Is it the song from the beginning that has the line, every Christmas Eve, we're part of a miracle? Something like that. That's just... Christmas is all the time or something like that. That's the thing is I realized working at the North Pole, that's like working at a Christmas tree shop. You know, those stores that are year-round Christmas stores, those should be outlawed.

And, you know, working at the South Pole is like being in The Thing. Speaking of, do-d-d-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, yeah, man, the thing gets in with the reindeer and starts... They want to be ass. Oh, my God, why wasn't Wilford Brimley cast? Oh, little surly. Oh, you little beggars. Oh, these little kids, these little beggars.

Look at these little beggar orphans. I'm going to take them to be my surrogate Santa. Get in the sleigh, God damn. Oh, he's looking for something for free. Oh, you want that McDonald's for free, do you? Can't even afford a 99 cent menu, goddamn what? Well, I kind of like, oh, well, it's pretty nice because I got a nice compound here in the North Pole. Yeah, yeah.

Minded my own. Actually, yeah, being Santa Claus is about as off the grid as Wilford could get. That's totally true. Yeah. I saw him play Ebenezer Scrooge one time That's one of my claims de fame Seeing him play Ebenezer You ever see a fat Ebenezer Scrooge? Me either

I think we talked about it But I don't think we got to He wasn't doing a British accent right Who? Brimler Oh no I know he wasn't I affected the King's English Yeah we didn't find that more You got cold for the oven

Isn't that enough Huh I'll cratch it Displace the display from foggy old London down to foggy old Idaho God damn what same diff

oh what day is it Christmas day oh get a potato get some potatoes well we're not opening presents till we're going to mass goddam get your ass in the car we're going to go worship for five hours

so that's that that's the movie man would anybody recommend it no It's kind of better. It's a buck 48. It's not too long, but it's not. There's no movie here. There's a couple of movies.

It's not a movie. Kind of held together by snow, which happens to melt. Not so much. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it either. And I'm just kind of thinking like, oh, we're telling people we're watching ahead of time now. Yeah. Sorry. This is a bad week to start with.

Oh, wait, wait. We're this set further north. Sorry. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it. either. I couldn't believe it. I'm watching this movie. I'm like, those opening credits said something about John Lithgow in this movie over an hour.

Yeah. It's like, at least set him up at the beginning doing something. Do you see who, did you guys see on the trivia who turned down the role of BZ, the John Lithgow part? Oh, no, who was supposed to be him? Harrison Ford. Uh-huh. Bert Reynolds.

Oh, man. Dustin Hoffman. Yep. Johnny Carson. Why the fuck would you try to get Johnny? Carson to be in a movie. Especially a movie where he's like a jerk. I mean, he's kind of a jerk, but

like, he's a lovable. Yeah, but he's a different kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. He's not a villain. No. I mean, any of those guys, I guess, would have been okay, but then he would be like, um, what's the rub on these toys here? Come on. Yeah. Uh, level with me, Patch. What's my end? Hey, Patch, what's my end?

So you know the Santa Claus guy, huh? Hey, uh, Patch. Uh, what kind of car does you drive? oh yeah um yeah that is santa claus the movie by the way that's it from jeanette zwark two fucking stinkers from this dude on this show woof yeah see our supergirl episode for more jeanat zwark garbage and uh yeah a lot under the salkind's belt there in the shit department we've got a lot of salkind movies on this uh this episode list of ours yeah uh if you want to check out more of them feel free to visit our website w hm podcast dot com like us on facebook and follow

us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast and of course right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show. Please. Wherever you get it. Just leave a little review. Leave a little rating. It's the holiday season. You pay it forward, man. Tell some, you know what, you're getting together for the holidays. You're going to

see a bunch of family. Maybe some you hate. Maybe some you don't. Either way, hate them or love them. Tell them about the show. Tell them about the show would be a classic prank. Your weird cousin you hate talking to. Tell him about the show.

You're racist uncle you hate talking to. Tell him about the show, too. Please, too. Yeah, that guy would love it. I don't care who you are. That's funny. So next week, we're off, by the way. Taking a week off for ourselves.

We will have a mail bag and the Christmas animation damnation. Which will tell you that. Yeah. It's kind of a New Year's. Christmas animation damnation is Rudolph's shiny New Year. Yeah, get ready for some Rankin' and Bass. Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the sequel to the Rankin and Bass.

Rudolph special. Yeah, they paid for for Rudolph, paid through the nose, and we paid dearly watching that thing. So next week you got two of those big old minis, so that's not bad. Do we want to say what the first episode of the worst of 2015 is? Yeah, let's do it.

I think we could. Start in January. What is it? It's an Eric pick. Oh, well, I just thought let's get the boys back together, right? You got Vinny Chase. You got Johnny Drama. You know, you got Turtle? E?

Jeremy Piven. Yeah, Ari Cole. The Asian guy that everybody hates of those things. We are doing the entourage movie. That's right. Kicking off worst of 2015 with the entourage movie. January 5th. There you go.

So we will be back then. Have yourselves a merry little Christmas. A happy new year. And until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. Thank you.

Thank you.