We Hate Movies - S6 Ep234: Episode 234 - The Last Witch Hunter

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

On the final episode of the Worst of 2015, the gang gets real tough and real magical as they sit through the magically tough fantasy action thrill ride--question mark?--The Last Witch Hunter! What's with Vin Diesel saying "magic" every six seconds? Does Michael Caine stand in any of his scenes? And why couldn't they hire an actual human being to play the Witch Queen? PLUS: Your favorite Ghostbusters lines, but with the word "bee". The Last Witch Hunter stars Vin Diesel, Rose Leslie, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood, and Ólafur Darri Ólafsson; directed by Breck Eisner.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Let's get this started. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadey. Eric Siska. And we hate witches. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. This is the final week of the worst of 2015. We are closing things out with our friend Vin Diesel.

And another movie about witches. Witches are kind of in vogue these days. It's the last witch hunter directed by Breck Eisner. Which is the son of Michael Eisen. Correct. Oh, is it really? Yes. Oh, my God.

This movie was brought to you by... Wow, a young scrappy newcomer, huh? Yes. Uh-huh. Directed by the oligarchy. everyone? Yeah, yeah, he really worked his way up through the trenches, you know what I mean? Really earned his place at directing the last witch. You know, there must have been some times when he was waiting tables and like struggling to make rent. Like, is this director thing ever going

to work for me? Did I make the right decisions? Should I have gone into computers like my mother wanted me to? You know, honestly, you guys are being a bunch of libtards right now. And this guy was suffering from affluenza you know like that's a real thing guys real wild stuff that's a real thing guys

you know who is originally supposed to direct it and I think better movie Timor Benyakov Beckmannikov yeah the dude who did like what are they

day day watch and night watch night watch he did that movie nine which some people like other people don't nine that's that that little people little dolls made a and the CGI movie that nobody saw?

Oh, right, yeah. Oh, oh, right, right. Not to be confused with the other nine, which is the musical version of eight and a half with Daniel Day Lewis. That movie's a pile of trash. Ooh. It's a pile of burning garbage.

I think he also directed some movie called the Arena back in the day. I think it's super low-budget gladiator stuff. Oh, like would you call it a sword and sandal picture? From the cover, which is all I know about it. Yes We like Also I do want to say We don't hate witches

Because the funny thing is And this movie Dances around it as much as anything else Because you can't really You know Wicked people will get pissed off And write you let nasty emails This movie would be like

Every five minutes Vin Diesel's like Yeah but the Salem witch trials Was a real problem in America Oh that's actually true Vin Diesel is He's on the side of good witches I mean that's the thing

that the last witch hunter really is clear to define here is that there are good witches like our friend Eagrit from Game of Thrones and there are bad witches like the witch queen. It's like the good German, the myth of the good

German. He's more the last witch cop, actually. You know what I mean? It's like witch social worker, man. Can I just back up for a second? Steve, did you say that there are real witches? Yeah, there's Wiccans, right? Wait, am I, they're going to, are they casting spells? They might be casting spells on you.

Well, there's like Wiccans that are like, we're in tune with the earth and it's a religion, but then these are like, kind of witches is what we're dealing with in the world of the last Winch Hunter. These are Dimesdor Halloween witches. At no point in this movie is the word Wicca uttered. They're well aware not to do that. Well, yeah, because that's not what this movie's about. Guys, guys, I think we should close the borders.

them for now. I watch this movie and I kind of don't want them coming in here anymore. Yeah, I try, by the way, I tried my best to do a Vin Diesel voice, but I don't have eight testicles, which I think you need in order to get your voice that low. Dude, this guy's got big brass balls, guaranteed. I think he's got more than two. I would put a lot of money on him having at least four or five testicles. Wow, like cow heart? Yeah.

Or is it cow's stomachs? He can probably lift four and like let go and they hit each other. It goes back and forth. Like one of those, what are those things? I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Megato's got something too. Every businessman in the 1980s had a couple of Vin Diesel balls on his desk.

I'm serious. This guy's voice, I mean like, you could go this low and then you could go this. And then you could stop hearing yourself. Right. And that's all his range is. Yeah, exactly. Well, his voice like goes so low It just sounds like

Eventually it gets to the point where it sounds like a tuba falling down the stairs It's amazing I kind of like Somewhere in my heart I love Vin Diesel He makes nothing but mostly bad movies Although as we've talked about it off the air I do appreciate these later Fast and Furious movies

Sure Just as being like crazy high octane action movies and nothing more But he's making bad movies too Like this Has he ever tried to like? The closest he's ever done to, like, quote-unquote, like a real movie, like really trying to act. I guess is that found me guilty movie that I don't remember. That's like a silly courtroom movie, though.

But it's Sydney Lumet. It's Sydney Lumet, yeah, but it's supposed to be terrible. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it is. Well, he's in, like, Saving Private Ryan. Oh, yeah, that's true. He's doing real acting in that movie. Boiler Room? Oh, man.

Is that a movie that holds up, or is that just a movie that's cool when you're in high school? Yeah, bro. No, I have no idea. Yeah, I haven't seen it in 20 years. I had it on DVD for $9, but I haven't seen it in like 20 years. So the last witch hunter is a movie, like Steve said, where Vin Diesel is a witch cop. But we start, our little prologue is in like the Middle Ages, and a band of witch hunters have gathered together to dig a hole in the ground to find the witch queen

because she has single-handedly started the Black Death. Oh, man. That's what I'm saying. Do you want that to happen in America? I don't know. Spoiler alert, she tries it again, and it almost happens in America. All these religious, they try things. I'm just saying they try things.

And Vid Diesel's got this. He's been bald forever. Oh, yeah. Famously bald. He was born bald and stayed bald. He was like a bullet coming out of a gun. Right when he was born. He looks like a dude you'd find at the coolest party in Brooklyn's haircut.

You know what I mean? Because it's got like this. This thing that it's got in the prologue. In the prolog. Now, this is a middle ages, Mendeasel, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, yeah,

turn of the black death. He's got that big beard. Yeah, he does. But it is a well-coffed beard, though. This thing looks like he was at like barber works and got like, quite literally the works. This beard is beautiful. That is conditioned. I didn't know they did that back then.

Oh, yeah. He's like the kind of guy that shows up to your friend's wedding like that. And he's like, what the fuck's that guy's problem? Where does he get that time? You have a beard like that. But that dude is also way better dressed than you are. Oh, yeah. Has tons of cool tattoos, smells excellent,

and knows the recipes to all sorts of cocktails that you'll never even drink in your life. And that's what this dude looks like. And he rides a motorcycle. Also kind of like a Viking, which I guess is what they're really going for, but he looks at the coolest guy in Williamsburg, Brooklyn right now. Yeah, and so he takes this, like, amazing-looking haircut

that he's got and this amazing beer. and they're fighting these witches and he goes after the queen witch and long story short because who could care she puts a spell on him where he lives forever and will never know death. Oh boy, what a shame. What a curse.

I agree with you here, Eric. I'm not a big fan of the curse of immortality. You guys are nuts, man. Just kicking back watching everyone you loved die one by one. I've been doing it for 30. I'm sure I could keep it rolling.

Point to Eric, but also that only lasts for, what, 80 years? And then, like, what, I got a thousand years to chill out? But that's the problem, though, is, like, we talk all the time about how we have enough friends and you hate making new friends. Once everybody you know is dead, you just got to start making new friends unless you want to live alone forever. What have you got Michael Cain periodically coming to your house? Now that's a different story. And that's a different story. So we cut to 2015, and here's Vin Diesel.

He's now bald, which I want the timeline of that haircut. When did he go cue bald? Or was it like, oh, you'll be cursed with immortality, but all your hair will be falling out of your hair? He is completely hairless and does get set on fire in that prologue. So maybe everything grew back but the hair. Really? Like even his pubs? Yeah, dude, shave clean.

Looks like a seal. Seal with eight testicles. So in case you're Yeah, exactly In case you're keeping score He's completely hairless head to toe Except for the eyebrows And has at least

Six to eight testicles We don't Yeah We're not sure yet And it's definitely never an odd number Of testicles Yeah you don't want to be walking With a limp

And I'm not even certain That they're where they're supposed to be They could be anywhere man Like under your knees Behind your ear Oh Lord Well no he's got to act Eric

we would have seen them by now. Well, maybe it's a little weird one. He's got five masculine ones in one little weird one. Sure. So he's been saving his pennies, slaying witches, for 800 years. He lives in this amazing Manhattan penthouse. Yeah, cry me a fucking river with this curse of immortality

in case you're wondering. Well, that's the thing is, like, if you have 800 years worth of savings, Like, this happens in all these movies. Wasn't stupid Colin Farrell Rich in that Winner's Tale movie or whatever? Still having still happy there. Oh, yeah, it was you me and Chris, and I can't remember anything. Who cares?

The point is, this character's loaded. And he basically just goes on missions policing the witch world. There's a truce of some kind. And Michael Cain's like his manager. Michael Cain gives us some weird prolog-y stuff. From the time immemorial, there was this guy and he, there are good witches and bad witches and he goes after the bad ones

and there's a truce and what happens in the truce can I leave yet? Is it, is this enough? I'm sorry, did someone actually write this filth? It's also, it's like, and from time immemorial, Toby, drop it. I'm sorry, I'm Skyping in from home.

It's my grandson, Toby. Toby Kane. Keeps picking up all my bananas. Toby, grandpa, your mother said no more bananas. So this was Vin Diesel playing Dungeons and Dragons. And this was based on one of his characters in Dungeons and Dragons.

Do I have that correct? You know, close enough. Yeah, it's based on someone's dungeon master. It is. It is, it is Vendezel. Yeah, he's a big, he's a D&D. I read that he taught Dave Judy Dench to play D&D on one of them Riddick movies. Sure he did.

As in she, she like put up with him for half an hour and left. Right? Like, there's no way she's playing Dungeons and Dragons. I think she's a cool lady, but I don't know if she's going to be like... You don't think she's Dungeons and Dragons cool? That was my one. I realized I had dug a trap for myself in that sentence. Oh, no, he's going to shoot me right out of this guy.

But, yeah, I mean, like, I just feel, yeah, to Eric's point, I think it was like an evening. There's probably a lot of people there, and she's checking her phone a lot. He's embarrassingly, like, drunk, right? Yeah, yeah. And he's just expounding upon... his D&D lust. She's like texting Daniel Craig the whole time. Like, man, you are such a better action star to work with.

Anyone seen those Riddick movies? I've never seen a single one of them. Really? I never did anything. You never saw Pitch Black? I never saw Pitch Black. I thought it was kind of, you know, decent sci-fi movie. Well, it's like Pitch Black Chronicles of Riddick.

I saw those two. Chronicles of Riddick is fucking dog shit. Although you got, and you got Carl Urban in there. Is that stay tuned? It might be, but pitch black, I thought, was pretty enjoyable. And then there was just, there was just Riddick. Which I haven't seen yet, but I do want to see because, as I hit Steve Sadek, uh-huh. Starbucks in it.

Yeah, Karat, Thrace. She shows up. Oh, Battlestar. What's her real name? Katie Stackoff. Katie Sackoff. Yes. And the only, that's, it's kind of nice.

It's like having, like, having, uh, restricted. custody of your child because the only time you can see Katie Sackoff now is on that Longmire and no one wants to do that, right? That's like, you know, the state takes your kid away and you have to see like, there's like limited visitation. Yeah, like every other week with Longmeyer.

You can go see her, but Longmire's going to be in the room. Call me when you're 18. Yeah, so anyway. Michael Cain, he's a priest. He's a priest. There's an order called the axe and cross. Yes. Sounds like something straight out of some dungeon master spinning a yarn.

But it's also Catholic, right? Because he's a Catholic priest. Now, Steve, what is the fine line between D&D and Catholicism? The Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, he's like the biggest NBC there is. Yeah, yeah. He's like a level 47 wizard or something.

Is he the dungeon master? I think. Or is that Belzebub. I guess it depends on who you ask. Or which level I'm on, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, the apostles would be the dungeon masters because they're the one telling the stories. That's a good point.

Right? Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, I think that's how that would go. So there was 12 of them, and they all did certain levels. We're the 12 dungeon masters. Oh, boy, we're going to have to change that name for the book. How about apostles? Yeah, that'll do.

So he's tasked with, like, Like, this is a really boring job, because he doesn't go on adventures with Vin Diesel. He just shows up after the fact, and he's like, so, tell me about your day. And they just go through, and he's like, well, earlier in the movie, I was on a plane, and I stopped this teenage witch from casting some sort of elemental weather spell. You know, it was the troubled girl from season three of the killing. Well, anyway, and that's it. Like, he dictates shit, and Michael Kane writes it down in a book. And in that scene, though, you do realize, she's like, oh, what are you going to kill me?

He's like, I don't kill everybody. And she's like, well, what are you going to arrest me? He's like, nah, you're cool. Enjoy New York City. Go buy yourself a large pizza slice. What? They do mention. Let's say that, though.

Go buy yourself a large pizza? No, he just says, enjoy New York City. Oh, oh, oh. So, but they do mention that there is a witch jail and there's witch incarceration. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you think, is there like, so then there's like the witch death penalty, which solitary confinement, which mess hall. There's got to be corrections officers too, right?

Which corrections officers, sure. There is also, this movie does lobby high for the witch death penalty. Towards the end, you're like, oh, this is all an allegory how we should be doing witch death penalty all the time. And you know, I'm just saying maybe we don't let them in for a little while. I'm not saying we do that just yet. So Michael Cain's like, yeah, tell me what's going on. And they have this scene because it's my last... I'm the 36th Dolan, right?

That's my job. The Dolan? The Dolans, by the way. He's like, what do you own the Knicks? This line of the Dolans? Yeah, he's... Yeah, well, it's the, what, the Archbishop of New York. Yes, his name is Dolan.

I wish we were on the next one already, you know? But, yeah, so he comes from a long line of... Dolans. He's retiring from being a Dolan. You know why? Because Michael Cain stars in Sitting Down the Motion Picture. Oh, he is. He barely stands this entire movie. That motherfucker can sit.

And you know right away, too, what kind of Michael Kane performance you're getting. Because the first appearance of him is through a voiceover. Then when you see him, he walks into a lobby and he's like, I'm here to see Vendaisal. And the guy at the desk is like, he's upstairs

fucking. And he's like, all right, I'll wait. And it immediately cuts to him sitting in a chair waiting for something to happen. And you're just like, this is your responsibility in this movie. Sitting back and taking it easy. Because Michael Cain's got that. It's the poster role, right? I mean, I don't think he made the poster.

But it's like that thing where like you just put him on there. And it's like, no, no, no, no. Seriously, there's a movie back there. Go no, no, no, no, no. It's in the back. I swear, there's really a movie. Michael Cain, would I steer you wrong? Well, that's honestly, when we were.

you know, going through movies to pick for worst of 2015 month. We had something else lined up and it was like, oh, fuck Michael Cain's and Last Witch Hunter swapping out. And here we are in a movie that Michael Cain is barely in. We got duped fellas. So Michael Cain

goes from sitting down in his apartment to sitting down in his own apartment. And Elijah Wood is there and he's like, you know, this guy's Elijah Wood nervous energy and he's like, oh, I take over for as Dolan tomorrow, you know, I can't wait to be Dolan or something.

And he's like, all right. You know what they called him, right? They don't call him the last witch hunter. They called him the weapon. Which is like supposed to be this big thing. Like, it's so sad that this guy's immortal, lives in an amazing apartment, and has casual sex his entire life.

Wait, I missed that whole line. So why do they call him the weapon? Just because he's dangerous? But that's what they use him as he's a weapon. Like, they don't see him as a person. They're like, oh. He always. Rolls 10s or whatever.

Fair enough. Yeah, Michael Cain trying to like prep Elijah Wood for this scene and whatnot or this like job and it's just like when you realize what's happening here and you're like, oh man, this whole movie could have been with Michael Cain, but now he's

tagging out. He got to the turnbuckle. He's tagging in Elijah Wood. Oh man, a downgrade if there ever was one. And I like Elijah Wood too. But he's not holding candle the Michael Kane, even if Michael Kane's just sitting in a chair the whole movie. Well, he gets to lay down pretty soon, which is

nice. Just laying on his back. So, it's the next day Elijah Woods getting sworn in, but Vin Diesel gets a call earlier that morning or, you know, that night or whatever, and Michael Kane has died. Oh, that's a shame. And you're just like, what? That's

my cane? That's all I get. That's the dude I came to this party with. Now he's gone and I don't know anybody. It's like, oh, now I'm watching. Now I'm just watching a fucking Vin Diesel movie, all right. That when you realize your anchor is, you are tied to nothing but Vin Diesel in this movie. It's like, yeah, you're going out with drinks and some buddies. You're like, oh, cool.

And then your best friend leaves. And then, like, it's his two friends from work, which are Vin Diesel and Elijah Wood. And you're like, oh, man. So, you know, the next morning, whatever, we're at Michael Kane's funeral slash Elijah Wood's swearing-in ceremony. Like, talk about just saving time. Catholic priests. The weird thing is, they don't tell you what any of these guys' names are. Like, Dolan is just a title, really. It's like,

you know, like, yeah. Oh, right, yeah, it's like the 36th, and now Elijah was going to be the 37th. Yeah, and it's not like, my name's Terry, oh, that guy who died, his name was Paul or whatever. It's like Bond, right? Until these later bonds, right, where he's clearly just this person. Like,

it's a designation, right? They're not all related. No, no, no. No, no. I come from a long line of Dolans. We all take Notes for a living. It's a sweet gig, man. Until, like, the 30th movie where they go to Chateau-Dudolin, and it gets a little weird, and you're like, wait, what?

Wait, was it all the same guy? Is this dude immortal? Is this British super spy immortal and a shapeshifter? Possibly. Wait, is Judy Deng playing D&D in the back there? What's that about? Oh, yeah, dude. Ben Diesel made her a huge fan.

whatever IMDB trivia So He's like Vin Diesel's like I've seen a lot of people die A lot of people retire And a lot of people get really sad But not in the same day

I think that there's a mystery afoot Yo, you want to come solve this mystery with me Elijah Wood And he's like Yeah I guess so Are you going to let me do anything? No All right then here we go

and they go and investigate Michael Cain's apartment. Shock of all shocks, there's been some magic afoot. Vin Diesel's got some great lines in this movie, such as, Do you know how to detective magic's recently been used? And other assorted ridiculous lines like that. Well, it turns out this was done by dark magic, which is the worst kind of magic.

Oh, man, there are bad magic, and then there is dark magic. They have, uh, someone has to put it. a spell over Michael Cain's apartment to cover up the fact that the place has been ransacked. Doing spells on everything. This is a spell that makes it seem like your apartment's clean.

I could use one of those. Yeah, dude. They got spells for everything. They're using too many spells, man. But that's icy spells like that, and I'm like, hmm, dark magic. Not too shabby. You're coming up a murder, but like, I could just cover up not having done the dishes

yesterday. Exactly. Also, it's very important to note in this scene that Elijah Wood, he had earlier said, like, oh, we met before Vin Diesel a long time ago. In this scene, he reveals that witches came into his house and murdered his parents and burned their house down

and Vin Diesel saved Elijah Wood, like, as a baby or whatever. I don't know. What is Elijah Wood doing in this movie? He's in like four scenes. He's wearing a tiny blazer. He is wearing a very tiny blizzard. And tiny pants.

It's nice, but yeah, it's tiny. His, like, Catholic priest, white collar, if you put it on anyone else, it's like a wrist band. It goes all the way around his neck. One of those snap bands. Oh, yeah. In the middle of this movie, he stops dressing like a priest and starts dressing like the prisoner. Did anyone else notice? Yeah, he's like wearing turtlenecks and shit.

It's like, when did this? I thought you were a priest, man. He's one of them hip priests, man. Oh, I see what you're like. He also drives a motorcycle. Sure. I had a couple of those. plays acoustic guitar he's uh you know he knows a lot of baseball statistics yeah that's just to get closer

with the kids yeah for some of the time yeah that was totally true of course yeah why not um so he go he goes he goes see some other witch who sends him to some other witch and it's a wild goose chase but this witch is weird it's this irish guy right and he's got he's got a crab apple tree outside of his house yep he lures children's to his house by making it a gummy bear tree Oh, sure. You know what, Vin Diesel? You showed up right in time. Because he stops this kid who's just grabbing gummy bears off the floor. And a classic Vin Diesel lot, he goes, hey, kid,

didn't your mother ever tell you not to eat candy from trees? As a matter of fact, no, because what the fuck are you talking about? Wait, that's what the Bible was actually about? Wasn't it an apple? It was sour apple gummy bears. It was nature's candy. I'll tell you this much. That gummy bear tree

Looked mighty delicious The glistening gummy bears on it Oh yeah My question is Is this We find out it's an Irish guy Blah blah blah Who's a evil witch

That did kill Michael Kane And possibly a shapeshifter A possibly a shapeshifter Do we know Is he trying to fuck these kids He's trying to eat these kids Like a classic witch You know you're eating kids

Yes But when you put a dude in the mix It makes me a little queasy Like warlocks can't be eaten kids I think that's a little sexist. Well, they're definitely eating kids. Who knows how they're tenderizing them. That's my point.

Yeah, it could be happening. Like I said, Vin Diesel gets there just in the nick of time. Get out of you, kid. And so, like, Vin Diesel goes, like, he washes this spell away and, like, this beautiful house in this picturesque backyard, like, wash away. And it's, like, a run-down nothing house. The tree's dead and everything. And he goes into the basement.

And there's this little girl, like, crying and it's some like fucking silent hill cut scene or something. And he's like, it's all right, I'm not going to hurt you. It's okay. Come on. It's okay. Hey, it's okay. What's the blubbering about? Hey, stop crying.

Vin Diesel's here. The weapons here. And then like, she like produces a daggar and is like and like a cloud of black smoke whips around and it's this dude. Yeah, it's Doyle from Angel times three.

Yeah, totally. Speaking of RIPD. Oh, totally. RIPD didn't get out of that first season. Are you saying the show is dead? Well, the show's been off the air for years, but this dude who was a character in the first season of the first season of Angel died of a drug overdose.

Yeah. Oh, I guess. All right. He was a cool character, too. I liked him. But he's the Irish, the whole thing. So they take this dude into, like, witch people's court.

Which is, there's a, the council of witches that, like, you know, sit down and blah, blah. This is when you got to. And this is a problem with this movie. Throw some money at other people other than Michael Cain. I need this witch counsel to have like, get LaVar Burton in there. Get like. LaVar Burton.

Yeah, like somebody. Listen, I got two. The spell of literacy? I got two words for you, Bill Nighi. Yes, there we go. He's got to be like the high judge of this witch court or something. I think because of what, he was, I Frankenstein. He was like, nah.

That and all the under. If I'd do another movie about being the queen witch, you know, nothing, no universal monsters whatsoever. I don't care if it's a new version of the creature from the Black Lagoon. How did Bill Nihy become droopy dog? It's kind of the same thing. You just tell Bill Nihy, though, you're like, hey, man, we got Michael Cain.

You'd want to be outdone being this witch movie. I'm just saying you get Lovar Burton in there. Everyone's like, whoa, Lovar. It would change things up. It would. It would get people talking. Then maybe someone would have seen this in the theater. Oh, man.

Robert England in there? Ooh. Now you're talking. That's a huge city. And I'm still, I'm keeping you under the salary cap here, by the way, with LeVar Burton and Robert England. You could get five Robert England's with this movie. But it's nobody.

You're right. I mean, that's not only is it nobody, though, it's nobody covered up. with layers of makeup for no reason. It's nobody, and they sentence him to this witch jail, which is under, is it St. Patrick's? Is that where they are? They're in some church in the city. We're filming in Pittsburgh, so it's just a church somewhere.

And it's under there. And she's like, I sentence you to whatever. And Vindis is like, I want to interrogate this guy. He couldn't have been acting alone. Speaking of acting, here I am in another. movie. Can you believe it? They didn't even bother to ask Bill Nighy

to be in this. You know, if you kick me in the balls, I would sound exactly like James Earl Jones. What I'm saying is that's even higher than my actual voice. So, yeah, they're all pissed off that there's no interrogation. They want to know, like, who this

dude's working for, this, that, the other thing. Because Vin Diesel says, again, it's something about the kind of magic that he found here hasn't been used in centuries and the last time he saw it was when he was battling the queen witch and this woman who's like the head witch of this council or whatever

is like the queen witch has been dead for years you're sentenced to jail and this big like it's a monster made out of skeletons not a skeleton monster no no no no it's a monster made out of skeletons drags this dude to jail It's like something they found in, like, Guillermo del Toro's waistbasket. Like, he drew it, and he's like, oh, no. And he just threw it away.

And then they're like, oh, like, Guillermo, no thing. Someone's outback, like, rooting through Guillermo del Toro's garbage. Like, this is gold. This is gold. Oh, what's that? We only have $60 million. Perfect nugget. So this, this, this skeleton spider guy is the bailiff.

Yeah. He's the Mac from night court. It's like bones, take him away. He'd be bull, yeah. Oh, bull from night court. Yeah. He is the witch court's bull. That's correct. So this dude's dragged away, and they're all pissed off about it. It's like, we, you know, oh man, if they got Harry Anderson for this witch counsel? That'd be amazing. Or John Larichette, like, on the prosecution? John Larichette, too sarcastic for the set of the last witch hunter.

Yeah, but in which night court, I'm liking this already. I just let's do a whole supernatural night court. You can get vampires in there, whatever. Oh, totally. Like a werewolf gets sentenced to 30 days in the slammer. Right, yeah. All that stuff could happen. I think it would be great.

So where are we? Michael Cain's kind of dead. Well, after this, he's like, I've got to go pay my respects. And he does some spell. He finds out he's still alive. He's dressed like the Pope. They, like, bury him up in this. really, really expensive Catholic garb.

I guess that's what happens when you were Dolan, man. Yeah, that's true. You've been taking notes your whole life. I think I just remembered 30 Rock did a werewolf. Night court? Oh, did they really? Damn. Yeah, I guess our idea, our million dollar idea, just loss of value.

I'm ripping up pages right now. Someone's going through Tina Fey's garbage. Actually, a great line, though, in that court that I, because I want to try to point out is mainly these terrible Vindy's, diesel lines as I can remember is where he says like hey also this is reminiscent of Queen Witch magic and the

head witch is like the Queen Witch has been dead that's impossible and he just yells out Is it impossible? Him just tone deaf yelling at this witch it's awesome. That's like when you say to Vin Diesel that

it would be impossible to see you in this restaurant that's what you get. Oh really? It would be impossible. It would be impossible. It would be physically impossible To seat me and my lady friend in this restaurant So no, no, I'll leave It's fine You think this shirt off

It's like, all right, Ben, please Sposes those eight tasks are home So Vin Diesel realizes that Michael Kane Left a message for him That says he needs to Remember his death for some reason So to find out what that is He's got to go get a memory spell

So where does he go? The hippest witch bar in Brooklyn, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is Red Hook for sure. right? Oh, definitely. It's right on the water. It's hip as fuck. No humans allowed. And here is Egritt from GOT.

Oh, yeah. Just playing this witch bar proprietor. Oh, boy. Yeah. It's, you know, I think she'll be okay career-wise. Like, this is a big budget movie and whatever. That movie honeymoon, I think, is really good. So she's off

to it. She's 50-50 post-game of Thrones. Yeah, this is, it's not her best work. I mean, it's just, I don't know what her character is supposed to be, because she falls in love with Vin Diesel in the middle of the movie, which doesn't make any sense. Which is also gross. Yeah, I don't want to see that. He's like

50, and she's like 19. But they don't even, they don't kiss or anything, but they're like an implied romance. Oh, it's, oh, yeah. Well, you know, guys, save it for the sequel. Oh, man, the sequel set up at the idea. It's ridiculous. And I read that they were like, this could be a

franchise. This could be a franchise. We've got, we've got, we got Finn Diesel, Michael Kane. Now you're out. We got Vin Diesel, we could talk to Michael Kane. We got the lady from Game of Thrones who's just going to get huge. And we got Michael Eisner's son involved. Two.

All he's two is talk to his dad. We're golden. Sequels. Michael Kane, Force Ghost. Oh, shit. Yeah. Now we're talking. But he's alive.

Dude, we didn't get there yet. Spoiler alert. But he'll die eventually. I mean, yes. If January's told us anything, all great actors and musicians die. Oh, my God. What a fucking brutal month. Fuck you, 2016. Absolutely. Lord Almighty, I'm happy to get out of this month. Gutter year.

I just feel like every couple of days, the guy who's put prepping the Oscar montage is like, and it's done. And it's like, ah, fuck. You know they're going to be like, nah, yeah, well, just leave them out. Someone's going to get Dennis Farina out of it. I guarantee it. I don't know who it is yet. Oh, man, you just reminded me that he's dead. That he's dead and he was not in that Oscars montage. Yeah. So he goes to see Eagrit and she's like, oh, you're here to shut me down and murder me?

Everyone leaves like it's a speak easy. They're like, oh, oh, it's the last witch on the last witch on. Get out of here. It's the weapon. Dude, that guy can roll like a 10. He doesn't even have to do anything. I heard he's got eight balls. Some witch cursed him with immortality

And he pulled I heard his Dude I heard like his testicles Or like a hydra You cut one off Two more grow I heard his His scrotum

Looks like a stalk of broccoli You know what I mean? I heard He drinks blood Vitt Diesel We're talking about Right? Not the character?

So he comes in and he's like, I'm here to buy a memory spell, please. And she, you know, they kind of haggle and whatnot. And then she makes this spell out of a sexy little cherry. And never did I think I'd watch a movie where Vin Diesel sexily eats a cherry. A cursing cherry. Yet here we are with the last witch hunter. And he's all tongue out slurp town.

Oh, yeah, man. He's slurping that shit. This is my favorite thing. So she's making this thing, and she's like, all right, so if you eat this, and she does the old, if you die in the game, you die for real situation. Yeah, that's almost exactly that. Dude, the stakes are high in the last witch hunter. She's like, oh, if you, if you, if you, you know, when you go in your memory, you know, you're going to see stuff. If you get hurt, you're going to get hurt.

If you get you die, you're going to die. And he's like, I don't die. I'm multiply. I'm one of babies, kids. Whoa. Let's just get this out of the world. Baby's kids I think that was to stay tuned maybe

Oh man that's a fucking That might be too good At the very least That's a pretty entertaining movie Yeah So he goes into his own memory And the best part about this Is he takes his coat off

Right Because he sits down this chair And he eats his chair Well memory spells It's a lot like going to the dentist You gotta be comfortable So he's in his own memory In his modern dress

Which is like you know Vin Diesel's had this entire movie He's like, he's like going to his Goumar's kid's baptism the whole time. He's got an open black shirt, black pants, and he's wearing like a p-cote. So he's got like, he's got to pick up the tab at the dinner after the ceremony, but he doesn't want to, but he knows he probably will. Oh, it's fine. Oh, man.

Oh, Jesus. At least we're at Roberto's. Your mom had to get lasagna and a chicken cutlet, really? She didn't even need all of it. I'm paying for it, though. Listen, it's fine. I told you up front, Camilla, it's fine. You know, I got plenty of balls, but I don't got any arms and legs to spare.

This tab. This tab sky high. But he's got no jacket on, and he's walking around in medieval old whatever the fuck. And he's got that sick beard back, doesn't he? No, no, no. Oh, he looks like Vindiesel? Because it's the most interesting continuity gap out of nowhere. So he's dressed up like his old

How he is now And then you cut Like he's looking at it Oh by the way He has an angelic wife And a baby daughter That perished RIPD to them Oh I think they

Were they also killed by witches probably They're killed in the black plague That's like his tragic backstory Which we spent so many times of like Him like bouncing people on his knees Or whatever Right you know it turns out He had a pretty great life

Before the black death Mm-hmm So a lot of people So He cuts from there and then he cuts to the tree where the witch was and he's wearing a coat and I'm like, did it get cold in this memory?

Well, it's getting darker in some of these flashbacks. So better get a coat for this part of the flashback. But it's a modern coat, though, is what you're saying? He puts on his pea coat. The pea coat he's wearing when he angrily leaves the restaurant.

Yeah, I tipped well. Let's just go. All cash, by the way. Oh, yep. Oh, without question. All cash. 30% tip, too. So then he gets assaulted in the present by Iron and Wine, this guy? Dude, this guy looks like if Ricky Jay had a bruiser nephew? Tony Jay? Yeah, he's like, yeah, you want to fuck with me in my card game, huh?

Well, here's my nephew, Tony Jay, to break your fucking hands. He looks like a Hulk Ricky Jay, kind of. It's awesome. And again, another dude you call him Iron and Wine. with a spectacular beard in this movie. And he's, like, beating the shit out of Vin Diesel, but Vin Diesel can't get hurt because he's immortal. Like, everything, you know, he breaks his hand.

It comes back to life. Yeah, he's got, like, Wolverine healing ability. This dude stabs him through the hand, which is hilarious. He's also breathing fire hilariously, burning this girl's restaurant or a bar or whatever. Yeah, this witch bar gets lit. I was kind of hoping, like, David Copper. Like, a great gag would be David Copperfield being like,

I need a... I'll come back. Just a great I'll come back gag. Man, a cameo from disappeared magician David Copperfield? Sure. Maybe Chris Angel possibly. This movie skews a little more Chris Angel anyway. Oh, yeah.

Oh, there's a lot of mind freaks getting on in this movie. Why wouldn't he be in this movie, actually? You couldn't pry him away from Vegas? Yeah, I guess so. Once those people contract with Vegas, dude, you're not allowed to leave the city limits till your fucking gig time is up. That's also damned to walk the earth. It's a curse, but it pays well.

Remind me to thank Las Vegas for imprisoning carrot top. Yeah, imprisoning him in his ranch mansion that he has. Ivory Tower. He, like, walks past the border and he starts turning to sand. And he's like, oh, no, I can't go past the seal. If I go past the seal, I die. Do you think when he wants to retire a prime? prop gag, he throws it past the seal

and watches it disintegrate? Yes, absolutely. I'm throwing out all my girlfriend's clothes. Take that, Melissa. What are you doing? Caratop told us not to take the prop Holy Grail past the seal. That's how Vegas was destroyed. It's important to know that. So whatever, like,

it doesn't go well for him. This girl's place burns down. The guy summons himself back to hell. And he's like, oh, I'll get you, witch hunter. You're going down. Dude, it's the first. I was a flight, less bird. And he's just going into the sand.

The boy with the corn. Have I found you? It's just like going into the floorboards on fire. Dude, this is the first of two times in this movie. We see Ben Diesel with his arms stuck in a floor. And they both happen within like 10. minutes of each other. Yep. So she gets all pissed off and she's like, fuck you witch hunter. You burn my bar down. You're the monster that everyone says you are. I'm going to go home and whatever. And we cut to Rose Leslie's apartment. And what's awesome is she's got this like, I'm a witch. So I'm growing all these plants for magic purposes. I was like, there's a grow house somewhere in here. Just FYI. So she's like kind of walking around and she gets like spooked at one point, you know. So she's got to like turn all the lights on and whatnot. And she starts like

pulling a nightmare on Elm Street. She's like drinking coffee at three in the morning. I guess she's scared to go to sleep for whatever reason. Also it's like witches right. They're like night people. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true. Probably right. Not as much as vampires though. Right, yeah. That's like a

must. That witch bar. That is a must. That witch bar closes before the blade bar does. Yeah, I feel. That blood rave goes way later. That's the after party. So then like In comes fucking Hagrid again

And he's like trying to kill her Immediately after that last scene So it's like all right Terrible pacing and editing Thank you so much Yep And like her grow house Or her grow house

Just like gets burned down Then she winds up In Vendizel's place Like I could protect you Me and my squad Elijah Wood Hashtag squad goals And there's Elijah Wood

Just on an IMac Like I'm doing research in a movie And you're like Oh yeah you're here still okay you're bombing the universe over there Elijah what or what whatever dude he's got that fucking Frodo

Baggins money he doesn't have to give a shit about anything and then Wilfred you know that's like 91 seasons at this point right is that still going I haven't seen a second of that show I know it went at least like four or five seasons Is it funny? I watch the first season or two it's all right

you know he's in I like that movie he was in that silly thriller grand piano he's a likable presence for the most Maniac. Remake. Awesome movie. You know what's trash, though? And I don't even remember what it's called, but it's a total gimmick movie where it's Elijah Wood is like, it all takes place on a computer desktop, kind of like unfriended. I think it's called like, it's not this, but it's like app window or some horse shit or like browsers set up or something. And it's like this dude's messing with him through a computer and it's all like surveillance and shit. supposed to be kind of a horror thriller. Yikes. It's just dog shit, though. Wow, that sounds awful. Yeah, it's total trash. So they make up a pact. They're like,

all right, let's work together. I'll protect you. You can... He's like, I still need this memory spell. Where we're going to get it? So then they go to her friend's house who got killed by Iron and Wine. And, you know, she gets a phone call and it's him, and he literally does that.

This dude has a fun time laughing into his phone. He goes, please, remember me, fondly. Beep. So they have to then, another ridiculous sequence in this movie is they go to, like, a fashion show. He's like, all right, I know one more place we could get this lost memory spell. I know the last two times have not ended well. I know this movie keeps almost getting going, and then we get thwarted by Iron and Hagrid. So this time, I promise you, he won't show up.

It's the deep, dark, seedy world of runway fashion. You're like, what is this movie becoming? It's Fashion Week. It's darkest spell ever cast. Man, I'll tell you what. Living in New York City, if you're not a person who works or goes or cares about Fashion Week, boy, oh boy, do you not care about Fashion Week? Without question.

In a winter. she's a witch gotta go show her my balls all of them it's so it's like secret monster fashion because like every time every time like you go past a woman

like if you look at her in the mirror she's like an old hag yeah that wasn't as sexy as I expected it was all right, though. I'll give her I'll give her like a six. I wouldn't buy that dress

coat, though. I got enough to go around. So, he goes to like... Camilla, is your mom seriously getting three more bottles of wine? I mean, this thing's getting really out of head. I mean, I know I got it. I, you know I got it, Camilla, but that's not what

we're talking about you. We're talking about your mother's taking serious advantage of me. So this woman is like, Another nothing actress. You'd think that you'd get somebody for this scene? Not a C-grade Giselle Buncheon stand-in? At least, you know, Constantine had the balls to cast what's his face? Gavin Rosdale.

Oh, right. Wow, that's a reminder. He's chewing on some scenery and that's... I'm sure. And this is Constantine? Yeah. I have not seen it. Now I really want it. It's on Instant, man. Constantine, man, I saw that shit in the theaters. I've seen it too many times.

You've seen that movie more than once? Like three or four probably. Four times you watch Constantin. Now, hang on, I'm sorry. From start to finish, four times opening credits to closing credits. You watch Constantine. I feel like I saw it at least twice on HBO.

Were you kidnapped at all? We ever imprisoning Guantanamo Bay? Was someone trying to get information out of you? No, it was me and Bo Bergdahl. They kept showing us fucking Constantine. And then, Now we're both traitors. Because we've seen Constantine four times.

Showing you Constantine in between bouts of beating the shit out of you. Oh, man. But so it's this woman, and she's like, oh, I'll give you a memory spell. She's like smoking hookah, too. And it goes in there. And again, we go back to this memory where, again, he's bouncing the kid on the knee. He goes to the tree. Oh, boy.

Eagrin shows up, and she's like, no, you've got to wake up. It's a trap for you, Vin Diesel. So what it turned out to be was like a forever sleep spell or something And he'd be stuck in there forever. Uh-huh. So Eagret's in there in like present-day dress and she's just... I don't know what the coat situation is. We'll see.

I think Eagret's just got like a sharp hoodie on at this point. And she's just like... At one point she's trying to get him to wake up. She kicks him in the stomach, which is hilarious. But he kind of then goes flying like it was choreographed by Yenwo Ping. And he was like, what the fuck's going on? Like, flying after you got kicked is not in this movie at all. So he makes...

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks and you got kicked. So that, yeah, he wakes up and, like, gets pissed off or whatever. And he's just, like, beating the shit out of everybody in this room. One thing I don't want to lose is in this scene, she's, like, talking about how cool it must be to be immortal. She's like, oh, you must have known Stalin and Hitler and Napoleon. Well, this is like confirm, like you were personal friends with, oh, two have known Hitler. She doesn't say you must have. She knows that Vin Diesel flaunted around with Napoleon, Joseph Stalin, and Adolf Hitler.

And what's awesome is this actress's delivery, and she's like, oh, yeah, the days when you were rolling around with Napoleon, Stalin, and Hitler. And you're just like, oh, you hit that hard age and you waited in between Stalin and Hitler. Yeah, so I was friends with Hitler It was a big idea What's the problem But is the idea there That he was socializing with these people Because they were witches

Or maybe they had a wit Oh Hitler got a witch problem I got to take care of it Can't believe I'm assigned to help Hitler Stupid Dolan said yes Whoa actually I think the Catholic church Did say yes Hitler might have been his Dolan for a little while

He was the 31st Dolan Why couldn't I get that movie Yes is I am your You're Dolan. I'll write your stories, Vin Diesel. You've got to get out of the game, man. So tell me witch hunter. How did you kill the witch this time?

I want all the gory details. And what religion did she have died of I will? Oh, mercy. It's dark magic. That was some dark magic, dude. But yeah, it's just like, you can't throw around. No. That the protagonist of this movie was running around with history's greatest

monsters. Was he paling around with Saddam Hussein? Yeah, maybe he was a witch, too. Oh, I could see that. I need to see, you got, show me something. How about a flashback? Maybe you need that memory. Charles Foster Kane, if you remember him, he

had newsreel footage of him with Hitler at the start of Citizen Kane. How about class up this movie? Give me some newsreel footage of, you know, it was in a background over there by Hitler. Oh, man, that would be great if it was like, a Jack Nicholson in the end of the shining photo

and it's just it's like Vin Diesel at a Nazi rally and he's just in the background while Hitler's given his speech in the foreground Yeah and then you know he could slap the picture and be like good photo Lenny great photographer She's Class A Broadman

Yeah she's a good good chick Not a witch If you're wondering That is Lenny Riefenstahl He beats her up He beats the shit out of everybody. Sure. Congratulations. He throws for Hitler. No, he's buddies with him.

One of my favorite moves that he does in this whole movie is he takes a gun and throws it at a woman who's holding a gun on him and knocks that gun out of her hand with the gun that he threw. It's awesomely silly. And he goes, after she drops it, she's like, hey, ow! And he goes, get out. And then she, the other thing that we find out is, that burial dirt has been used. Oh, shit. Again, dark magic, it's death, blah, blah, blah.

But they talk about burial dirt, like, it's hard to get. I can get your burial dirt if you want it right now. Listen, let's put pause on the recording. I'll go get you burial dirt. Yeah, I know. Be back in 10 minutes. There's a cemetery out there, and that town doesn't exist anymore, so that shit's free. What, out where you are these days?

It's in Rockland County. Oh, no, you'll find it, yeah. You could, I mean, they're like, but she's like, Oh, I was only working. I think the Iron and Wine's actual name is Belial. She's like, I was only working with Belial because he got me some sweet burial dirt, man. Oh, yeah, Belliol had the hook up.

At this point, Vindee's is like, How did you enter my dream? I think you're a dream walker. And she's like, wait, what? I'm sitting there like Dreamwalker check. Oh, what the fuck, man? We start talking about Daywalkers next. What is Blaine going to show?

What is this stuff? What is this stuff? I don't know. But what I do know is they totally screw this woman over, though, because she's got some, like, compressed something or other that's in a cube that she's, like, eating or maybe it's what she's been smoking. That, like, I guess is what keeps her young and pretty. And Eagrit, like, steps on it and smashes this shit, and this woman's face falls off. And they do the dumbest gag in this movie where, like, they show her face and it's all fucked up and it's falling off and whatnot.

It's, like, total, like, dead alive kind of thing. And then, like, the music is swelling up. And you're like, oh, man. And this chick's going to lose it. And then she just goes, like, the music cuts. And she's like, bitch. And you're like, oh, next scene, witch hunter movie. Thank you.

And then we go through the whole. You're a dream walker, so you don't, now we can really go into my, I know I told you movies that two times we were going to go into my memory, or three times now we're going to try and go to my memory. And it hasn't worked. Actually, all I needed was this lovely lady right here. Why didn't she just say that in the first place? I don't know, man.

Just like, look, it appears as if we're having quite the struggle. Finding the components you need to eat another poison cherry I make you. I can just step into your head like Gene Gray and we can figure this out. And what they find out is apparently his buddy, one of his buddies in his rating party off that sweet sush they had. The third to last witch hunters. Right, they took out all the orcs. Yeah, they did when they got all those orcs out and got their party. party up and XP was through the fucking roof.

Oh man, those XP points. He was the first Dolan. Right. And, oh, that was a detail I missed. They come back to Vin Diesel's death. He's dead. He's like a charred corpse on the floor with a sword through him. And he pulls it out. He's like, oh, it's the witch's heart. At first, this is when Vin Diesel comes back to life and like, oh, right, it's just like a charred body. Yeah, which is kind of fun.

Yeah, he's a Skellington guard. And this dude, like, stabs it. And he's like, oh. And he does, like, pull it out and he stops. Like, put it back in. Oh. Oh. So he kind of just does the old switcheroo with the witch's heart there.

Right. Because his immortality is tied with the witch's heart surviving. Right. Yeah. As long as this heart keeps beating Vin Diesel's immortal. So this dude is like... Dirty old Dolin. Yeah.

He's like, speaking of no one's looking. It's like, puts the... his heart in his coat pocket. He's just like, yeah, yeah, no, no, she's dead. Yeah, no, she's dead. Let's get out of here. She's clearly dead. And then, like, we'd pop back out of the memory, and Vin Diesel's like, you kept it?

This is another A plus Vin Diesel delivery. He starts throwing Elijah Wood around a little bit. My favorite part of the movie. And Elijah Wood totally knows about it. That means fucking Vin Diesel was dumb enough to be conned by 37 mortals. For eight centuries, this man was duped. Man, what a buffoon. You can say what you want about Hitler, but Hitler never lied to me, man.

Hitler was a straight shooter from the get-go. He never hid those beliefs. So they basically find out that the whole thing is Michael Kane, you know, they put the spell on him and almost murdered him because they know that he knows where the heart is. They want to try to get the heart back to resurrect the witch queen. He was trying to destroy it himself. I think on his last day on the job. Oh, is that the deal? Oh, I see.

Michael Kane was trying to stop the witch's heart from beating. All off-screen like most Michael Kane actions in this movie. Potentially the most interesting scene of the movie. Of him attempting to destroy this evil, putrid, witch's heart. And then being stopped by Iron and Wine. And that's what's annoying, though, because this movie, like the screenplay is keeping this information from the audience but like the movie would

be more interesting I think if we had that info and we're watching Vin Diesel like put the puzzle together himself kind of a thing people just in everything that's a mystery is a good idea that's usually not the case yeah totally and that's exactly what this is like if we had that scene where he was like

all right time to destroy this art and then like iron and wine comes in we don't even see the scene where iron and wine attacks him or anything no like I want that I want Michael Cain squaring off, throwing some magic at this dude. You know why? Because that would get Michael Cain off the chair, which

Oh yeah, that's true. Eh, not in the kind of. That's not happening. Although, so this is where, I shall be it. Paragraph 6, article number 39, I shall stand no more than three times in this film. Do you see that chair there, sir? I don't care who your dad was.

I'm not getting up from that chair for the rest of this movie, so you figure it out on your own. Also, Is his voice modified or what? No, he actually talks like that, like all the time. What does he have eight testicle? Oh.

No, I will not play D&D with you. God damn it. I don't know what you did with Judy Dentz. I don't give a shit. This is around the time of the movie where he visits Michael Cain, who's laying in state, like, kind of recovering from this. Because Hagrid gets killed around now. Well, they bring back the queen, right?

So... Right. She comes back. By the way, she's played by nobody. It's a computer. Yeah, it's just like a dirty old witch. Yeah, she looks like she's from the Evil Dead remake. And it's like, oh, great.

But so, like, Vin Diesel goes into Michael Cain's, like... By the way, I don't know why it gets killed by a dagger through the throat. Like, he's in the middle of, like, doing all this shit. And then Vin Diesel's just, like, chucked that out of his throat. Oh, did that? happened? Yeah, yeah. He gets a sword right through the throat. It's amazing. Very good. Sounds like someone's rolling at 10. So now that that dude is dead, the curse is broken, so Michael Kane starts healing. Yeah. But what's awesome is, like, we visit him, and he's laying in state, and Vin Diesel

comes in, he's like in a coma, so he's not talking to him. And it's just Michael Kane rotting. He's literally rotting on a bed, like falling to pieces of rotting. And like Vin Diesel, who calls him kid through this whole movie and isn't that just the best? Hey, kid. As a kid, I'm going to take care of you. You'll get back from this. Don't worry about it.

I was there at your christening all those years ago. Yeah, I picked up the tab thanks to your mother, too. That was fantastic. Good night, your prince of New England. And other lines, assorted lines from the cider house rules. You ever watch the cider house rules, man? I cry every time. So it's, it's, you know, here's this witch prison.

You know, he sort of takes Egritt through like, these are like the history of witches and there's all these like cave drawings and whatnot. The stupidest part of this whole thing is, he wakes up Michael Cainty. He's like, okay, kid, this is the deal. You lied to me. He's like, yeah, but I'm one of the good guys. He's like, yeah, whatever. And then he's like, oh my God, do you realize what they did with the witch prison?

They were making the perfect covenant the whole time. Yeah. So it's like all these. Which is that he locked up over 800 years are, like, ready to blow once the queen's, like, resurrected or whatever. See, that's the thing is with prison, you put someone in there and they'll become a criminal. They'll learn from other criminals, right? Sort of like you put a witch into witch jail. Oh, my goodness.

So you might as well just kill all of them, right? Like, right away? Yes. Okay, that's a good idea. Yes. There's a great line somewhere around here where, like, Elijah Wood, who, it's a scene where Vin Diesel is walking. very fast. And when I was watching the movie, I was like, he's going to walk

right past him. Like, he's barely in this movie. He's going to walk right past Elijah Wood and talk to somebody else. Like, talk to a new character. But he stops and he's like, here's what we got to do. We got to go into this cave and it's witch prison and the three of us are going to do it. We got to do it for the other Dolan. And he's like,

oh, but how are we going to do that? And he has the line, well, every chain's got a weak link. And I'm like, oh, man, another home run for Vin Diesel. a very important thing. The last witch hunter has been rendered mortal, by the way, because the witch queen comes up and she's like, oh, I didn't curse you with immortality. You've just been saving it for me. And she, like, rips it out of him. And never in this movie is it

described why it took 800 years for this to occur? Like, why not, why not, like, five? You know what I mean? Like, maybe it took a good decade. Maybe it took this long because you finally got a Dolan who's willing to turn. Because here we are. The third act of this movie, Elijah Wood, fulfilling the role of useless third act turncode. Yes. And he's like, my parents weren't killed by witches. They were witches and you killed them and now I'm going to get revenge. And you're just like, dude, this is an hour and 40 minutes too late for this shit.

I am sorry. What, he's the villain of this movie now, kind of? I don't think so. Nobody could care. Maybe that's an acceptable plot turn in a D&N. D game. But in movie making, that's really dumb and cheap. Go ask

your dad about how you make a movie kid. Then come back to me. So there's just like a lot of fighting at this point. He fights that big skeleton monster thing. Vin Diesel does. Oh, that's some hilarious CGI. That takes forever. It does nothing.

We're like racking up the runtime in this final fight scene. New York gets besieged by bees at this point. Oh, because the queen witch also loves Queen Bees. Is that what was happening with that like black smoke or whatever? Yeah, no, that's all...

It's bees. Or wasps or whatever they are. And Michael, it's a great shot of Michael Kane gently sitting up in bed and like looking out the window. He's clearly at his hotel room in case you're wondering. Oh yeah, you can just come up here and set the camera up. I'll look out the fucking window. That's what you get.

You get me through two pines of glass. It looked like a really lazy, like They unlocked the containment unit It goes busters It does That's what it is though Because like the roof blows off this church

And all these bees are going everywhere You're telling me I'm the gatekeeper And this This guy with eight balls Is the key master Cats and dogs Living together

It's mandatory I don't This is one of those I'm imagining a taxi, some snooty couple gets in. Get me to Aethon Madison quickly, and then a bunch of bees turned around. It's like, oh, no. And then Larry King talking about it on the radio. The last witch hunter cut a rug on the dance floor with a bunch of models all night.

Whatever, man The mayor of New York Get me the last witch hot time Oh, all right That's who's going to get Dennis Farina David Margulies Oh yeah Will not be in the Oscar

The Bee Titanic just arrived Bitter late than never It's a bunch of bees Pulling into New York Harbor I spent last night Staying up till 4 o'clock in the morning Talking to Fiorella LaGuardia with a bee beard

and he's been dead for 40 years Tell him about the honey It's true This man has no bees Just The fucking bees man Because the idea is

Or their wasps or whatever They do They all carry the black plague So the idea is they're going to go out And spread it Just just you know to keep his level here. Gotta spread it, man.

The bees hate the bees hate when I do that. It's the last witch hunter. Raise a cult and bee emporium. It's a river of bees. A lady's snooty

jacket that's made of dead bees comes to life. He starts chasing down the avenue. Bee busters, man. Are you the keymaster? I'm the beekeeper. Man, you're asking for trouble when that guy shut down the hive.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, Lord. You know, a bunch of people. bees would encircle that stay puffed marshmallow man. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, it's like a picnic gone wrong. So whatever, he's fighting this witch. He's fighting her. He's mortal, so, like, he gets cut.

Oh, Elijah Wood shoots him, like, four times. Oh, right. And then he's, because he's got Eagrit, and he's like, ah, I'm evil this whole time. And I'm like, I don't give a fuck, man. Just get out of my movie. Do you think, unset, he was like, hey, can I be evil? Like, they're filming this. last scene and he's supposed to just get murdered anyway and he's like hey can I be a bad

guy sure take one just for fun oh I guess we'll use that well because then the queen witch is just like oh hey man you're the son of two witches but you don't know shit about magic so you're just murdered and that's the end of Elijah Wood it's the classic Aladdin bullshit

thing where it's like give me my eternal reward my queen I want to get exactly what I deserve And everyone in the audience is like, no, don't do it. Yeah. And then you think, oh, oh, interesting turn of phrase you used there. I will give you exactly what you deserve. She also points out, like, because he doesn't have magic, he's useless.

Yeah. Well, yeah, he's the son of two witches, like I said. He doesn't know that. But he didn't mention when he was saying, I've been evil the whole time. He mentioned how he was born without magic. He does. He's like, yeah. It was a big laugh.

He's like, oh, please give me magic. my queen. And it's like, never in the movie do we understand how witches are born or what the fuck that even is. They're like a separate species. Well, it's much like the world of Harry Potter. Right. You know, there's witches and wizards and then there's muggles. And he somehow was born a muggle. And a muggle is someone who doesn't use magic. Yeah. It's a human being who can't do magic. That's what we love. That's our values in this country. I don't need these other guys coming into this country. What, witches?

Yeah, I don't know what they're up to. That's true. That's true, yeah. We don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. There's 11 million undocumented witches in this country. I think we should deport them. We should build a wall.

A witch wall. Yeah, made of bees. Man, you want to keep someone out of somewhere. You're not climbing a bee wall. That's absolutely true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We'll get the witches to pay for it.

At real Donald Trump. It's just to pay for it. Bitches will pay for that bee wall. Man, what a stupid fuck that guy is. I think he's got some ideas. About what I have no idea. So Elijah Wood dies, by bees, actually. She stings it with a bunch of bees.

Yeah, he looks like Norman Reedis and dies. And then she goes, and like, you know, she makes Eagrit into this chanting whatever, and then the spell starts happening again or whatever. Vin Diesel's like in heaven or whatever again. again, his wife and baby daughter. He starts hearing it from the crowd and comes, like, he was shot

like three times in the chest by Elijah Wood. Yeah. And he's mortal. And then his wife and kid are like, oh, father, we love you, but you've got so much more to deal. I'm a real American. Fight for the rights of every man. He gets up to the...

Oh my God! The witch queen doesn't understand. Vin Diesel just came back. Vin Diesel's back alive. He won't turn around. Oh, stun her! Stunner! Man, if he stung her to hell? Oh, God.

That is what we need in this world. We need a movie where Stone Cold Steve Austin is a Constantine-esque dude who stuns people back to hell. Fucking, he dumps beer on a demon's head and stuns it back to hell. You're right. The bowels of Netflix instant needs that movie. I would like just a regular, a regular. old like an hour and a half like an indie movie you get like a what's that guy from the league there mark duplas yeah and you get uh um you know uh january jones and they're a married couple

solid casting you know things are going wrong and blah blah blah and they're in the middle of this huge fight at the end it's the last scene of the movie and you've watched an hour and 30 minutes there's been like a musical montage the whole thing her father dies in the middle of it's really sad yeah and then in the middle of this fight stone cold comes in and just stuns them both End credits. And you're like, what? I like that. D.S. X. Stone Cold?

Dude, it turns into a thing where we go total meta. And it's Stone Cold, Steve Austin, has been watching this movie in the theater, and he's sick and tired of it. And he's stuns of both, and he's like, roll the damn credits. He sprays everyone with beer. And that's it. That's it. The credits roll, and you see Stone Cold step out of the screen back into the movie theater? Think about it

Just saying think about it It would be on Netflix incident And like the thing The agreement we all as a country would have Is no one's allowed to talk about Stone Cold As the ending Oh yeah We would decide as a society

Not to spoil this movie It's just like It's like the sixth sense Yeah Everyone back the fuck out Did you watch that Mark Duplass movie? I haven't seen it yet Shut the fuck up

I just talk call me You call me when you've seen it I want to see what you think The second that movie's over with you better text both of us I don't even know so basically he comes up out of hell and he's got a fire sword

which I always appreciate oh we forgot about the fire sword yeah he likes this thing on fire like a bad medieval time show because he's that's the way you kill a witch it's iron and fire and he's like by iron by fire here it comes on Donner on blitzing boom and he just chucks it into her

he throws this thing like a javelin it's awesome and this computer Which gets killed because we can't hire a human being to play a role in a movie. I don't know. It was ILM's janitor in a mocap suit. Put this on Freddy. You want to be in a movie? You're the witch queen.

Freddy's all right. I play D&D with him a little bit. The weird thing is like at the end of this movie, he's like, it's time for me to put this dagger through this witch's heart finally now that she's dead. And then I'll die too. And Eagert's like, oh, you can't do that. When I went under into the underworld, I saw so many other dark and evil things that they're all waiting for you to die. And then they're going to attack Earth. No, seriously, I really did.

When I was down in hell, some letters came rushing up at me that just said, save it for the sequel. You can't go. We need the sequel. And I'm in love with you, witch hunter. Yeah, man, that is just so loosely constructed in this movie. It's so bad. Also, yeah, she's 70 years younger than this. As actors. Yeah, as actors.

700 change for characters. Exactly. So basically, he's like, you're right. I will remain immortal and have my awesome apartment. This is a pretty good movie, I guess. What do you think, audience? Just whatever. The last thing is him and Michael Kane on a bench.

Michael Cain's like, I'll do this scene. What do you got for me to sit on? So what are we talking about? Are we talking an arong neck chairs? I'm talking a nice recliner I could do. So now he's been brought back from the dead. Yes. Well, he was never dead.

So he was just spelled dead. Yeah, he got cursed for a hot sec. And now he's just fine. He's back to be in the Dolan we all love. Yeah, he got a one-up, dude. All right. He's at four full hearts now. Just trying to figure it out.

But now, as, unlike before, like, he's not working for the arrows and cross or whatever the hell it's called. He's like his own agency, and it's a team. He's got a downright team of Michael Cain as Dolan and Eagrits part of the team. She's a witch who hunts witches. Figure that out. And they all drive off in a fast car and that's the end of the movie. The first order of the witch's detective agency. The number one witch is detective agency coming to HBO

God, this is stupid My God, Stone Cold just stood Mark 2 Plaza January Jones I thought this was an independent drama My God, they're never going to have that kid now Oh my God My God, Stone Cold is dragging the credits out through the ground Why do they pay for all that iron and wand music It doesn't make any sense

This movie's a tragedy To set the damn thing off Film is dead It is dead Stone Cold just destroy The narrative structure of all films Oh God Call Mama Cinema

She's gonna be crying Tonight Stone called just won the buried in a lot match He put cinema in the ground By God The art of film is dead oh yeah lord somebody tell d w griffith and hell film is dead film he's dead somebody called sergey ozenstein because he's going to be crying all night

montage of tears so that's the last witch hunter sort of right yeah that's the end of the movie that's fucking it Anybody reckon it? I would. I have this weird thing for all supernaturally action movies. Yeah. Like I don't like them. I just enjoy sort of knowing what they are and it's like a comfortable space for me.

I can't even really understand why it is. It's like I've watched I Frankenstein twice. I've seen Constantine a bunch. I'm not crazy with the underworld movies, but they do it all right, I guess. I've seen a couple of those and they're okay. Anytime somebody's wearing a jacket and talking about spells and like, In a modern setting, I don't know, it's cool for me, man. Yeah.

But this is a bad, stupid movie, just in case I was curious. I'm going to say no. Fair enough? And that's it. I'm wrecking it, man. I'm totally wrecking this movie. Because I'm with Steve, I can watch these stupid paranormal action movies. Like, give a vampire a gun, I'm there.

Like, listen, on the high side of this, it's like Blade, Blade 2 kind of a thing. Like, that's where we're talking. The low end is. most of the rest of them, including Last Witch Hunter, which is dumb as dirt. Oh, for sure. Oh, my God. I would say I'd rather you watch

RIPD than this. Oh, wow. Holy Toledo. That's right. But RIPD is in that same category, though. It is. It's what I'm saying. It's paranormal-esque, action-y movies.

I never saw that one actually. It has a sense of humor, at least. It's men in black with ghosts hunting. Okay. It's trash. And it's probably an episode. But, oh boy, this is some stinker you got here. That's the last witch hunter directed by Wunderkind Breck Eisner.

If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHM Podcast.com, or find us over at sideshownetwork. Dot TV. Like us on Facebook. And follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com.

Rate and review the show wherever you can. We'd greatly appreciate it. So next week, we are back to. to W.HM original programming, and it is back to a subgenre that we know and love and have done it's been a while, but we've done some

episodes on it, but we're going back to it. The big wide world, the white guy karate. Right, and it's almost I guess technically white guy kung fu. It's American Shaolin. Oh, yeah. This is, uh, it's from 1991. I think it's also known as...

Of course it is. Yeah, there's about three titles. Oh shit. What is that title? It's available in full on YouTube, is it not? It might allegedly be, if you're interested, but I think

it's also known as like Kickboxers 2. Oh. No, here he is. Kickboxers 2 and 3. American Chow Lynn, also known as King of the Kickboxers 2, which is, by the way,

none of those are related. Oh, that's how these go. And supposedly, and this is IMDB talking, I don't know. Ghostbusters 3? No retreat, no, surrender, five. What? No goddamn way. My God, these titles make no sense.

That might just be an urban legend, but it's called American Shaolin. You can find it where films are maybe available. There you go. White guys doing the martial arts, man. I love it. You know I love it. I'm into it. So until American Shaolin next week, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. And taking us out one final time. This is Rua with Calm Down. Again, visit rueof-the-band.bantamp.com. We'll see you next week. I'm talking with your mouth again. I know, I know it sucks again.

I know. But I just get a calm down. You can pass it back and forth from your thoughts to the universe to the universe. It's a boomerang Well, Gousel comes back around It comes back around I can't get it, get it Up, I'm in

I can't get it, get it up my father I can't get it, can't get it up I, I can't get it up my eye I can't get it, get it up my eye I can't get it, get it up my mind I remember when He gave me those notes in the end I went home

And I read through the mall But what the fuck did I ever know When I told you that I couldn't go I was scared I was scared to be around And now you're not around I can't get, can't get Oh, I can't get up my mind

I can't get up, I can't get it Oh, I can't get it off my mind Talking It's Talking with your mouth Talking with your mouth again I know, I know It sucks again

I know down down because people grow and people change it's a terrible amazing parade and time time keeps pushing me around it's pushing me around i can't get it up i i can't get it up my mind i can't get it can't get it up i i can't get it up my mind i can't get it up my mind i can't get it up on my mind. Yeah, yeah, kick it oh, uh,

uh, get, get, get, get, uh, uh, kick,

get, get, my mind. I don't know.