We Hate Movies - S6 Ep237: Episode 237 - The Watcher

Episode Date: February 16, 2016

This week on the show, the guys try to make heads or tails of the 2000 serial killer flop, The Watcher! What's with Keanu's dancing at the beginning? Is Spader believable as this broken F.B.I. agent? And why don't they just kiss already? PLUS: Keanu's house guest, Bryan, tricks him into all sorts of roles he doesn't want. The Watcher stars James Spader, Keanu Reeves, Marisa Tomei, Chris Ellis, and Ernie Hudson (barely!); directed by Joe Charbanic.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, folks. Now let's get this episode going. We are talking about The Watcher. I'm excited for this one. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zedach. Eric Siski. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Now, this week, we're getting down and dirty into the year 2000. The film's called The Watcher. It's directed by some fella named Joe Charbanic or Charbonac. Something like that.

Hey, who cares? Point is Keanu Reeves' serial killer movie. Now, who is The Watcher? Is that us? Is he talking about the audience? Oh. Who watches the Watchers? Getting a little meta there, I feel.

Yeah, right? No, it's what they call, what's what they call Caninu Reeves in this movie, man. He's not watching. He's not watching anything. He's killing young ladies. He watches them beforehand, quite thoroughly, we're told, and takes extensive notes. Well, everyone does that. He also has shitty DV cameras for eyes, it looks like. Because, like, you think he's filming them on the shitty DV camera, but you find out sort of midway through the movie that, no, that's just like Keanu cam. It's my eyes. my cataracts.

Dude, it's amazing because you're totally right. It's like you're watching this movie. It cuts to shitty DV cam stuff and you're like, oh, so he's got like some digital camcorder. Like he's filming it and jerking off. Yeah, he's like really doing some thorough research

stalking these women. But then there's a scene where he's just talking to Marissa Tomei and it cuts to this video. There's no camera in sight. It's Keanu Cam. And all of a sudden I'm watching tape with fucking Robert Sean Leonard. and I want to throw up.

Oh, mercy me. So this movie starts with, I think, one of my favorite Keanu Reeves moments ever, him dancing to Rob Zombie's Dragula. You gotta dig through the bitches or burn through the ditches. What was it, witches?

To dig through the ditches and burn through the ditches to flame. I'm in the back of my Dragula. Doing it, baby. Bear. More human, man, man, human. That song doesn't come. But actually, the funny part is later in the movie, because it's your classic shitty movie framing narrative,

later, he's doing that dance to a different Rob Zombie song. And it's like, what the fuck? Is it? More human, man, human. Or is that, excuse me, is that white zombie? I think that's a white zombie song. Put your tweet down, sir. But this is like, he's doing like.

Living Dead Girl. Not Living Dead Girl? That's definitely a Rob Zombie song. He's doing like this little hip, little kung fu dancing. Dude, everybody was kung fu dancing in this movie. He's doing it with a gun too. And also, that song appears in The Matrix, Dragular. Oh, yeah, big time.

So he's like, oh, what? Am I what? That just came out last year. What happened? It's a total. I'd rather be watching The Matrix situation with this movie. If that's what you're getting at. Does this movie take place inside the Matrix?

Hmm. No, it takes place in Chicago. Right, but they should have done. How big is the Matrix, right? Pretty big. Is it just that Australian city? Which I believe had Chicago street names or some such. Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's like a, I don't know, maybe this could be the Matrix. Mr. Anderson, you let yourself go. Mr. Anderson, we believe you are purposefully out of shape for this serial killer movie. Mr. Anderson, you finally look like a hacker. Mr. Anderson, pleasure to meet your chins. Mr. Anderson, I'm your grandmother. Give me your cheek. Pitch. Pinch in your cheek, Mr. Anderson. I'm an overweight podcaster. The pot is calling the kettle black.

Wait, did you just say the pod is calling the kettle black? That would have been pretty smart. I meant to say pot, so that's whatever came out of my feet. fat mouse is whatever came out of my fat mouth so but yeah he's a little pudgy for Keanu Reeves again like oh I mean he still looks like a million bucks man

yeah yeah yeah yeah like 950 880 I think 880 wow 180 grand fucking brutal fucking brutal it's like you go past you got a million bucks from some bank robbery

and then you got to pay 120 to the cartel right that's what you look like afterwards. Oh, I see. Yeah. I mean, so translation, he still looks fabulous. And James Spader in this is like $900,000, but like in 1929 right before the stock market crash. Because you could see it starting here, but right after this movie, it's just like, everything's gone. This is two years after his crash. And that's the movie that kind of like put him off on like a different career trajectory a little bit. That was a pretty good movie, though. Yeah, but not at the time. Like, nobody gave a shit about it when it came out. It was, like, totally just thrown in the trash. And it kind of killed his career a little bit.

I mean, in the 90s, you couldn't have, like, a love sequence with Elias Cotius as a man. Yeah. You know, you, man on man. Like, that'll ruin your career. Also, fetish sex was kind of demonized by Newt Gingrich. Interesting. You used to say that, though. This movie, it's a gay movie.

movie. It's a movie about one guy that's in love with another guy. The Watcher. The Watcher is in love with James Spader and it never gets there. It never lets it. It's always just at the door. It's just, you're just, it's right there like the Paula Cole song is about to start playing, but

nobody officially presses G8 on the jukebox, man. And you're just sitting there like, come on, do it. Just fucking do it. Hey, do it. Hey, Kianu, I saw my own private Idaho. Fucking do it. Do it, dog. Just do it. Come on. spader. Well, it's like

if single white female didn't have like, if at the end she wasn't like, yeah, I've been in love with her the whole time, like physically, romantically in love with her the whole time. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't make any sense if it doesn't happen. Right? Yeah, I want to see them kiss. It's Chekhov's cock.

Better go off by the end, right? Oh, no, Captain, my cock went off. Stop making a mess on the bridge. Set, cocks to stun. Oh, Lord. It went off in my tiny pants, Captain.

Perhaps someday I'll be made Admiral in a useless fan film. That thing is... It's nothing to do with that. That movie's a piece of shit. Jim is his cock going off again? Oh, God damn it. This is the 10th time he's been at sickbay for that cock. I'm a doctor, Jim, not a cock doctor.

Captain, it's a lot of... If I should have to slip on the bridge one more time. I'm trying to do important reports at my science station. Really, Spock, it's kind of making me nostalgic for Old America movie theaters when you find a sticky floor. In this movie, we also have Marissa Tomei as Lorraine Brocko in The Sopranos. Yeah. Because what a useless character in this movie. She does nothing. I mean, she's kidnap bait the whole time, and you know she is.

She is the psychiatrist to James Spader. Yeah, so a little backstory here. So, James Spader is an FBI agent who was... He is an FBI agent! Formerly stationed in L.A. where he was going after Keanu Reeves, who is the serial killer that, you know, watches women and then strangles them with piano wire. a mishap at a crime scene has caused a spader to lose confidence in himself a little bit and so he moves to Chicago and like any obsessed lover would Keanu follows him to the windy city and hijinks ensue pretty well yeah it's a good concise synopsis we should get into the

they do this thing where they keep whatever happened in L.A. as a big secret and like while Keanu's dancing in the beginning. They're cutting between it and then this whole movie they're like cutting between it. The whole like whatever happened in LA is so boring in a non-starter. It's like it's all window dressing. It's like oh if we told you what it is you'd be like oh fuck this movie. Right. Like if you keep

like building it up and building it up. But I had the wrong info in my head the entire time watching the movie because what it is the flashback is there's a woman tied to a chair. Spader runs in the house. There's a fire or no there's not a fire yet. Spader runs into the house. Keanu runs out and he has to do the like do I untie this woman do I run after Keanu and he does like the are you okay good I'll be right back the house catches on fire this woman burns to death basically sure so James Spader like blames himself for but the way they frame it in these flashbacks I was like oh fuck man Keanu killed his wife yep this not the other thing and then it's so not even a thing it turns out like it was a woman that he was sleeping with but that woman was married but it's like what why why? Why does it just make it his wife?

Who cares? Unless the other guy is a factor, unless Keanu was actually her husband for some reason, or maybe she was married to Marissa Tomey? Sure. Or Ernie Hudson who's in this movie? Listen. For five seconds. It comes up to like, Ernie Hudson makes the main credits.

And I'm like, you know, fist in the air. Like, hell yeah, here comes Ernie Hudson. I love him. I mean, we're talking four minutes of screen time over the course of a 97-minute movie. Honestly, it's an attractive. It is. I'll say it. Don't tell me Ernie Hudson's in a movie and then have Ernie Hudson be barely

in that movie. He's got his cop mustache on? A moustache? I thought you said cock mustache. Oh, those are pretty hip these days. God damn it, Jim. You're not a urologist. I've been telling you. That is what is causing it to go off in my pants, and it's my cuck mustache. Your pubic hairs has got nothing to do with it. God damn it,

You fucking green-blooded Russian. I put it... I shaved my pubic hair into one point because it's Star Trek, right? That's what we call a landing strip. So Spader is like... He's in a rough patch. He's...

I guess they never really establish if he's currently working for the FBI still. He's not. He's on disability. Oh, he's got... Get the disability checks, eh? Because he's got like mind-altering... migraines apparently oh right right right right and he yeah he's like injecting himself with migraine medicine which i didn't know was a thing one of the yeah one of the first scenes is him

coming home he's got a walking can of coke he's just walking around the city with an ice can of coke when you are thoroughly depressed and suffering from migraines feel free to walk around a loud city with an ice cold Coca-Cola he brings it home he's got he brings in the mail he specifically has a FedEx package and he's like ah fuck it and he drops it it's amazing because It's like, you get this great moment of James Spader acting being like, oh, my God, wait a second. Do I have a FedEx package? And then like him opening it and be like, yeah, yeah, I do. Well, it's amazing.

I've never in my life been in a situation where it's like, oh, I have mail or I have a package. And I don't immediately open it. There is such neuroses that go through my head when I have mail. And I'm just like, I got to open it. I got to just get it over with. It's probably bad news. Letters or whatever. Like, I'll get to them.

sometime during the day before the next male comes in. But if I get something from FedEx, that's like, oh, that's irregular. That's an eyebrow is raised. Either this is like a really important letter from my creditors or it's a picture of a dying woman.

So this turns out to be a picture of a dying woman. You know, as was the fashion at the time. I got a quick question though. So in Spader's apartment, he takes a nap before he even gets to this package. He's so goddamn busy with this can of Coke. he's got newspapers all over the place he's a hoarder okay i was wondering is that because he later

throws up on them and i'm like is he just kind of like living a hamster lifestyle like i'm just going to let newspapers down or hamster like the animal not like the member of mark walberg's entourage ripd bro not not my buddy hamster but like no he's like living like a little animal where he's got like all these newspapers all over his house listen that's the way to live man you don't want to get those hardwood floors messed up I believe that James Spader shit's like a parrot. Just pellet droppings? Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. So he's suffering through. So he gets a picture. And it's like, oh no, he's back. We have no idea, unless I missed it, like what the time frame is between him leaving L.A. And like these new letters starting up or these new photos starting up. I'm guessing just from some of the conversations about six months to a year because like Keanu's like later talks about some.

in-between time. Oh, okay. But there's a great moment. It's just this, like, disgusting spader, hoarder lifestyle. He opens the fridge. The only thing in his refrigerator that's edible is a lemon, and he peels it and starts eating it like an orange. I almost vomited.

And he's just, like, sitting on the couch, like, yeah, this will do. Can we have, like, one grizzle detective or FBI agent that's got a fully stocked fridge with, like, some chili from last? night and one Tupperware, you know what I mean? Maybe he makes himself a nice, like, he went to the deli the other day. He's got like prosciut. He put some Havardi cheese on there. He's got some brioche.

And he makes himself a nice fucking sandwich. Can I get that once in my life? I mean, I'd love to see it, but you're not getting it here because he can't even bring himself to jerk off, which is what we learned. That's an interesting character note. Because it's when he's peeling this lemon and just eating it, there's a Victoria's secret catalog. And he opens it and he's got like a page between his fingers and he's like, hmm, to ogle or not to ogle?

And then it's like, nah. And he just closes up. It's like, this dude is suffering so hard he can't even play with himself. That's a tough road I don't want to be on. Which he gets magically cured. So actually, somebody gets killed in his apartment building. He comes home. That's a turn on.

Yeah. Yeah, now he's hard. And he's like, oh, and you know, the detainable. is this guy, I think his name's Chris Ellis. Chris Ellis has been in a thousand things. He's been in everything. He's doing a Southern accent in this movie for no goddamn reason. There's one woman putting on a Chicago accent.

One, and she's got like three lines to James Bader in this movie, and that is it. So he then finds out, oh, he has a picture of this woman in his house. It's been into the mail that's been collecting. And then he's got like two other FedEx Pack. He's like, oh shit, that girl's dead. That girl's dead. And it's like, dude, what the fuck? Well, it's awesome, because he goes to Chris Ellis, like, he calls him up, and he's just like, hey, I know that girl who got murdered or whatever, and he's like, how'd you come by this information?

And he's like, oh, is it this FedEx package I got? And he's like, oh, great, when did you receive it? Because two days ago, you dick. You total dick. Yeah, no. And I think that's kind of what jumpstarts this whole thing is like, well, shit, man. Like the blood is on his hands He's got to get back into the game

He says to him like Also by the way I know who did this Because this dude and I You know kind of had a Batman And the Joker thing for a while there That's the worst when you get that go And then you try to move

And the guy follows you And it's not even like Like man just get your own life You know So he basically Gets wrapped up in the FBI investigation Here's the thing about Chris Ellis Oh yeah

Really should be Chris Ellis Or Ernie Hudson I don't think that it makes You didn't have deep And it's great to have them both in a movie But they both have to have something to do But listen, Chris Ellis While being a fine actor

And he's totally fine in this movie This is the Ernie Hudson role Like Ernie Hudson in this movie Is playing like the dude above him It should be reversed Like Chris Ellis is like the commander or whatever Ernie Hudson is the guy like You know pounding the pavement

Yeah totally And then it's kind of fine Because it's like you know the dude who wasn't in Ghostbusters is fine having four minutes of screen time. Yes, exactly. But let fucking Ernie Hudson be in this movie, please. Did we mention what Keanu Eves

his character's name is? Oh, please, you tell. David Allen Greer. No, that's a comedian. It's David Allen Griffin. It's so close to David Allen Greer. It's dangerously close to David Alan Greer.

Anytime somebody says it, I'm like, Oh, fuck, it's going to be David Allen Greer. Well, it's awesome, too, because I don't think every actor in the movie knew the name of James Spader's character because he's like, Joe, whatever. I never knew it. It's Joel. No, well, okay, see, perfect. It's Joel, but some people in this movie are saying Joe. They definitely are.

And I'm sitting there like, what is this guy's name? What is his name? Joel, but Joe for short. Yeah, I drop that L. The L is silent. It's French. It's Joe. But David Allen Griffin, every time I was like, oh, it's David Allen.

I'm like, it's got to be Greer. I was like, no, don't arrest him. He's a comedic treasure. He was great on him living color. But it's just every time you're like, oh, man, it's like having Lee Harvey. Oswald. Boswold. Lee Harvey Osmond would be the guy. It's like,

oh, it's like, oh, my friend, Lee Harvey Osmond. That's one of the Osmond's, one of the lesser ranks, I think. Mark David Chatham. James Earl Johnson. Like, it's just like, these aren't names you're allowed to put on screen. Adolf Tittler.

That's a movie I'm making. Thanks for ruining my script. It's pretty sexy. Stephen, we have to burn the script to Adolf Tittler. We think you know why. That was the alternate title to the Knight Porter. Bravo. You're welcome.

So, Kianu is, by the way, I'm not Kiana. Spader. Get them right. We're different people. I'm just Kans. Made out of Kanz. I'm Kans. He's Do. Oh, my God. A remake of the Wizard of.

with Keanu Reeves as the tin man. I'm just made out of cans. I need a heart. There you go. Perfect. David Allen Greer can be in there somewhere. I'd love it. But so Spader's going to Marissa Tomey who looks exactly like the woman he was banging. Yeah, that's a little weird spader. That's a bit where you have to, you have to announce that. And he's like, yeah, I'm shopping for a psychiatrist, but I think I just hit the jackpot. How many people go in that office just to hit on her? She's got to be like, you know what, man?

No. Kianu does it. Yeah, he does. He's like, how many people do you think visit you because you're so beautiful? You're like, I know you're a serial killer, so ew, but really, ew.

Double, ew. So he's on the case. Kiano finally calls him. It's like, hey, it's me. I followed you to Chicago. Chicago sucks. It's so cold. He does get in a dig at New Jersey for no reason. Yeah, that hurt my feeling.

What does he say about Jersey? At least he didn't move to New Jersey. And then they both go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Jokes. But he basically is like, oh, I'm going to make a game, okay, do you want to play a game?

It's basically like, I'm going to send you a picture. Every time I, because you've not been opening my mail that I've been sending you. Have you been receiving my packages? I got delivery confirmation. Shipping isn't free, James Spader. It's bullshit. I guess I'm going to need signature required. Was it because I was spelling your name without the silent L?

All right, Spader, you're going to have to go. to the shipping hub to get that picture by the way the girl's totally dead it's open between the hours of ten and one it's in a really inconvenient part of the city

and you have to go there to get the picture I didn't want to have to come to this because you're literally home all fucking day but no um so he says I'm going to send you a picture um you have until 9 p.m. that night oh yeah to

find this woman or else I'm going to kill her like that's the game this is the game of cat and mouse we're going to be catting and mousing oh sure and let me tell you so this is you can tell that this is the year 2000 we're making this movie in 99 well because it had dracula in the beginning well mainly tipped off due to dracula also one of the most prominent prominent locations in this film is a mall well that's what I was getting to so this woman that he's stalking works at a camera store in a mall where you can buy film for a film camera. And when I was watching it, I was like, oh, I should warn the audience if they find themselves in this particular situation, but you never will. No. Because these stores don't exist.

But what happens is he walks in and he's like, can this film do whatever? And she's like, I don't know, I just work here. And what he does is he loads the film into this camera. And he starts taking pictures of this woman. And I was going to say, you know, all you people out there at Listenerland, if you're working at a store, a camera store,

and some dude comes in taking pictures, of you in the camera store, you should probably call the police. But now that's just what everyone does. Everyone's taking picks. It doesn't matter where you are. You're getting your pick taken. Oh, yeah. Dude, getting some selfies in there, too. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And then before

you know it, you're on Vine, falling down an escalator. Search Eric Siska falling down. No, no, no. No, no, no. Don't. No, don't encourage them. It's out there, but I don't like it. I saw. Oh, that really happened? I'm glad my acting

I'm getting better So there's like A man hunt out for this woman It's more like they're trying to protect her at this point Get her not so much trying to you know wrangle Keanu And it's a thing where he has picked the perfect victim Because this woman has no friends This woman has no family

in the area. She has a job that no one even looks her in the eye when they're buying camera equipment. I find a lot of this stuff unbelievable. And she's totally clueless. Well, remember also, I mean, look, we're talking about the late 90s we're writing and making this movie. I mean,

there's no social media, man. It was possible to be off the grid. But. Yeah. Oh, she's still totally clueless, if that's what she's saying. She's an attractive young woman. I was going to say that to you. Yeah. And for, you're supposed to

be 24 years old and whatnot and you know she's she's not involved with anyone which is fine but like James Spader gets a picture of her in the mail right that's what we're leading up to yes and he's got a day to find her whatever they're a killer and they're talking about how she's like the shut in or whatever and it's and James Spader's like well he's not going to send me a picture of a prom queen yes and that's what I was like what is that dig yeah she has she number one she could be a prom queen. She has glasses. Glasses.

Yeah, but if, you know, if you're involved in a bet and you get those taken off. Oh, I see. She could be all that. There might be a, she's all that prior to this movie. She was a stupid bet.

She was just a stupid bet. She was a game to me. I took her to prom. Listen, man, attractive people can be Kathy cartoons too, okay? I guess so. I mean, she's sitting at home.

They have her. I mean, it is a Kathy cartoon. Minus, like, the pint of ice cream. She's got the cat. She's watching a movie that she comes in in the middle of, and her life is so meaningless that she doesn't even care to start a movie from the beginning. Oh, come on. We've all been there.

Not everyone's new. But that's what's happening. That's what's happening. And then her mother calls her and harasses her about whether or not she's on a date. Yeah. Walking, Living, Breathing, Kathy Cartoon. Yeah. Well, I don't know.

know. I just, I don't think this movie's very good. Well, no, it's on we hate movies. Of course it's not good. It's on the block. The name of the show that you've been doing for six years. I resign. So, the interesting thing is, so James Spader's a burnout. Like, he's doing drugs and blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is, like, he comes back to the FBI. Ernie Hudson's like, all right, you're now lead on this case because you used to work it. And this guy named Mitch Casper will used to be working it. Oh, the dude who hates his rotten gun.

That's a placeholder name in a screenplay. So is David Allen Griffin. Yes. Yeah, these names are all making the final cut, which is awesome. But so like he, Spader keeps sitting on him. He's like, hey, you know, blow these pictures up. Give me a list of these names and blah, blah, blah. But the interesting thing is like Spader as a detective in this movie is not a genius.

Like he's not doing like Sherlockian like, oh, that like she's using this. That means she's left-handed. No, he's just working the case. He's just like, he's just like chasing. He seems mostly out of his element. He really does. And it's, so to me, putting Mitch Casper on it. You know what?

Mitch has been working this last six months. Spader is a consultant, but it's Mitch's case. But I think, you know, it's, listen, it's like maybe it's a seniority thing. Maybe it's a, you know, Joel has been working it since L.A. Oh, you want to count those. Oh, Joe. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

I forgot about that silent. ill so this manhunt goes on and on they like get to the mall they do a bullshit thing where james spader is standing in front of a glass elevator yeah and the woman gets on the elevator and spader doesn't see her and you're like well in a good movie you'd be like he's right behind you but in this movie you're like oh the watcher whatever yeah i mean they find they get there too late kiano kills her can we talk a bit of Keanu Reeves in this movie a little bit about maybe why he's in this movie.

Oh, yeah, this is a, this is an interesting couple of tales. There's two different theories out there. One for IMDB and one for Wikipedia. IMDB says, Keanu attached himself to this movie because he liked the script, but the role was really small. It's a cameo. He'll be a serial killer.

You'll get me for a day. They locked him into a rate, but then they started shopping his name around, and then they got all these other people and more money, and everyone wound up making more money than him. And then then they also bumped up his role. Think about how this shit works. Both James Spader and Marissa Tomey got a million dollars for this movie.

Are you shit a million bucks a piece, man? Wow. And Marisa Tomey's in this movie for like nine minutes. Canineu got scale. Caninu? Caninu. I'm making scale. You idiot?

What am I a dragon? So the Wikipedia theory. Yeah, it's one of those nights. So whatever. He tried to get out of it, but then he realized, like, being in a lot of legal trouble. So he just did it kind of very begrudgingly. Right.

The Wikipedia theory is so much better, which is that one of his friends signed his name on a contract, and that's why he needed to be in the movie. Can you imagine some dude just like, oh, this will be hilarious. We're going to make Keanu legally bound to make this movie. What are you doing, Brian? Brian, did you sign my name to a contract? Brian, did you just switch my cell provider, you idiot?

Brian, I didn't get HBO until today, Brian. Brian, why am I doing the watcher? Oh, no, I'm doing the watcher, Brian! Brian, get in here! This document says I'm doing the watcher. Is that true, Brian? Look, I allow you to open my mail.

I allow you to live in my pool house, Brian. But this is too far. Brian, I never thought I would see the day. when my executive mail assistant double-crossed me. Brian, wear my Matrix sunglasses. Are you walking around town in my Matrix sunglasses, Brian?

Take off my Speed jacket, Brian. I got that when I made speed. Dennis Hopper gave it to me as a present. Also, don't talk to Dennis Hopper anymore. When he calls, put me on the phone. Or say, Keanu's not home, Dennis. Stop committing. me to serial killer movies, Brian.

Oh, fuck, Brian, the Lakehouse. Come, damn you! Am I in the replacements, Brian? Brian, it's a football movie. Look at me, Brian. Do I look like I know anything about football? Brian, did you shred the good Bill and Ted 3 script? You are such a dick, Brian.

You are now assistant to the assistant of my mail opening. Ted, get in here. You're Brian's supervisor. Brian's not living in the pool house for long Ted That could be your spot Ted Ted's gonna have to find the ganja from now on I just imagine his house It's like a really nice you know

Palatial Hollywood estate But it's also it says Kianu Industries on it What on like the gate? No like inside of his bedroom Does he have mirrors on the ceiling? Yeah yeah Oh sure

Brian I you an apology. John Wick was a total success. Man, but what a shit thing. Who knows if that's true, but can you imagine? In either case, it's very clear that he doesn't want to be in this movie. Well, you can tell that from watching the movie.

I mean, you just watch him in this movie. And, like, I have said this on this show before, and I'll say it forever. I fucking love Keanu Reeves. I will watch Keanu Reeves in anything. I have seen the lakehouse, God damn it. But you can tell in this movie He's just like, man, that fucking Brian is a real son of a bitch

What a terrible April Fool's Day prank it was Signing me on to this movie When did Brian take over? Like right after River's Edge? Right after River's Edge. No, there's been some good things since River's Edge. Speed, I guess, right? The Matrix?

Oh, yeah, the Matrix, right. Cool. Look, whenever it is, and I'm saying it on the air so we can sue somebody if this happens. The side podcast, I want to get on the air one of these days, catching up with Keanu, go through all of them, man. Every single thing, including TV shows. Sure.

Was he ever on a guest spot? He had some TV movies and things. Was he ever on the Cosby show, man? I don't think, no, that was Adam Sandler you're thinking of. Brian, why am I supposed to be on the set of ER right now? Why is this week's director of this week's ER upset with me. You know who I don't want on my bad side, Brian? Michael Crichton. You might not remember, Brian, but he helped develop that show.

Now I know I didn't get the lost world. Thanks, Brian. Big help, bro. Imagine a scenario at some swanky Hollywood party where Keanu Reeves is trying to meet Michael Crichton against the coldest of shoulders. What the hell? he said something about well it was convenient i bothered to show up to a party but not to work brian do you have any idea what that could mean any idea what that's in reference to no couldn't even play a robot in a west world remake that's what he said brian you know how much i love west world right like really really love it Brian it's so awkward now i can't go to michael crighton's funeral Bad blood has gone so far. He has put me in his will that I can't be in any projects. That is so fucked up, Brian, and you've fucked that up for me. Stay tuned for Michael Crichton's funeral.

He's dead. Is he dead? He's dead for a couple of years. Dude, he's long dead. Really? Yeah. I had no idea. He died of cancer like three or four years ago, possibly longer.

Oh, wow. RIPD. Wait, he wrote the book RIPD is based on, right? He must have. It was the one time he dabbled in the world of Mad comics. So this woman dies. Oh, right.

Yeah, she's long dead. Now the second one is like a busker or something. She's a no, no, no, no, no, no. She's a runaway. A teenage run, run, run, run, run. But she's not like a drug addict. She's just kind of hanging out. Not all she's...

Runaways are drug addicts. She is a runaway train. And she's never coming back, turns out. Yeah. She's going the wrong way on a one-way track. So Keanu catches her eye. He's walking in the street. Oh, man.

And she's like, oh, you know, spare change, spare change. And he's like, hey, would you like to dance? And she's like, no, there's no music. And she's like flirting with this guy. I mean, again, he was like Giana Reeves, but like, get the fuck out of there, lady. Oh, yeah. I mean, well, yeah, you know, serial killers can be handsome.

We're talking Ted Bundy syndrome. Oh, my God. He was just the handsomest dream boat till he killed you. It's kind of awesome, though, because it's like, it's one of those moments. He doesn't say it, but it's sort of an implied, like, there's music everywhere kind of bullshit thing you hear people say and they're just like dancing around in this public space and it's like embarrassing it's embarrassing so she gets the next picture and then we're running around there and like her mom like her mom finds her on

TV and she's like oh my god she's a runaway but she's like still pissed she's like yeah I don't know whatever that one over there thinks she's gonna make something of herself but I'm like your daughter is the crosshairs of a serial killer madam yeah oh it's Awesome because she's like, they say something about like, when was the last time you heard from her? And she's like, oh, yeah. She called a couple months ago, said she had a new boyfriend. A lawyer. Yeah, right.

You're just like, a lady again. Crosshairs of serial killer. If you don't mind. What I love about this teenage runaway is one of her big lines to beg for money is going, hey, dad, don't you remember me? Like, just trying to like. She's not very good. it being a grifter. She's very bad, but

just the this is the fact that you'd go to like hate, like, oh, there's got a, I don't know, in this public plaza, it's probably 30 estranged father. I'm in the estranged father district of Chicago. I'm 16 to 17 years old. Somebody must

have had sex 16 to 17 years ago. Right? Didn't it, like, would that have ever worked? No. Do you, oh, is that what it's supposed to be is like a surprise kiddinging? Yeah, it's like, I'm your kid. Now take care of me. Now I'm your kid, but all I need from you is a couple bucks to get on the L.

Well, no, it's that's, it's the, it's the panhandler's credo, which is to stop you in your tracks, no matter what. Right. It's, oh, look, one second, one second, one second. Or the, you'll see this in Times Square. And if you ever come to Times Square, A, don't. But B, anyone that wants to give you a free CD, you don't touch that CD. You don't talk to those guys. Not at all.

Also, look out for those Woody's. Woodies? They're dressed up like Woody the Cowboy. Oh, but they got like boners too? Is that what it is? That's what you? Well, you're at you're really hitting Woody's hard there. Mickey Mouse probably

has boners too and Elmo's notorious bono. Dude, anti-Semitic Elmo was my favorite of those Times Square deadbeats. He was the best. His name was Adam Sandler. Oh, that's right. No relation, but he was a self-hating Jew that would yell stuff about how

bad Jewish people are. And can you imagine some innocent family from Wisconsin who thinks going to Times Square is a great thing to do with your time and money? And then all of a sudden, this Elmo from the mouth of Elmo comes all this anti-Semitic nonsense. You're paying these

people to pose with your children. And these people are like the most dangerous men alive. Oh yeah, absolutely. This is like... Nothing to lose. Yeah. These are like... All I know, there could be a cartel assassin in under one of those masks. Hey, Brian, you may have noticed I put a cookie monster costume on your bed.

Get the fuck out. That's your new role, Brian. You're my official cookie monster player. Enjoy Hollywood Boulevard. That's what it's right. Full disclosure, I can't do Keanu Reeves' voice. That's fine. None of his kid.

I don't know what the hell we're doing. No one's like, oh my God, did they get Keanu Reeves in this episode? I closed my eyes for a second. I thought he was in here. Oh, man, I'd love it. if Keanu Reeves came over to my house. I'd roll out the good China and everything. Hey, you'd play James Spader for him, that's for sure.

Hell yeah, dude. Dude, I'd be like, hey, Keanu, you want to play the lake house? Let's sit here and write each other letters from the future. Dude, for that future podcast, how about him on every single episode? Oh, man. It's like a career retrospective. Brian, did you sign me up for a podcast? Oh, God damn it, Brian.

I'm on every fucking episode. What a commitment So much for John Wick too So I can't wait for that movie Anyway we She's living in a squat Kiano finds her there She's got like some sort of boyfriend I guess

There's some sort of skater boy that's hanging out And this dude This dude Is the late 90s in human form Yeah let them have Oh my God he's like a living breathing pog this fucking weirdo oh my God this guy

I think he was in the new radicals dude this guy's going to get what you give man don't give up oh my God oh my god the fucking bass player of Marcy's playground

oh my god well he does I mean I'm reading the subtext I think he's giving this young girl sex and candy I see so he Spader is like being

really aggressive on the street like hey because i mean it's it's still spader and like he's not likable in this movie like he's not no he's just so mean to everybody but what it's awesome in what you just reference where he's being aggressive what they're doing like the clock is ticking he's probably got a bad headache yeah and he sees there's like these beat cops and they're like you seen this girl and like people are just walking by and he's like no that's not how you do it that's not how you do it you get up to somebody you go say hey did you see this girl and someone's like trying to walk by and he grabs this fat guy like by the tie and he's like get the fuck over here you see this fucking girl look at the fucking picture and the guy's like no man hey no and he just

runs away and he's like no see fellas that's how you do it i want to see more of that from now on so he grabs uh the lead singer of savage garden and shakes him and he's like hey man have you seen this girl and he's like fuck you pig and then there's like a fake chase oh yeah that it's one of several times in this movie james spader has to run a couple city blocks and gets mighty winded he sure does oh man so yeah he kind of like shoves this dude up against a car

and he's like just get a minute you're totally fucked just one minute so they go there the girl just gets killed and now this is when Keanu gets it there's another chase now there's a lot of the start of this though

I just I have to mention it because it's two instances of people using things to hit other things that you don't normally use to hit things. So this first one is like this woman is like sleeping. She has a fire

that's burning inside an open box fan because that's how you do. Is that a euphemism? No, no, no, no. Not she's literally, you know what. And so, like he comes in she's got music on. It's like all fake Torayamos throughout this entire

movie. Big time. And he's like that's some mighty fine music you have there. And she goes oh, you like it? Let me turn it up. And she leans down. And she grabs this radio and smacks him in the face with a radio. It's awesome. But then she's murdered.

She's murdered very quickly. Brian, I got hit in the face today with a radio. Do you know anything about that, Brian? For this fucking movie you signed me up for. I didn't even read the script, but you did, Brian. You thought it would be good for me. You thought it would be funny to see me get hit in the face with a radio, Brian. It's real fucking funny.

Brian. So he's chasing Spader's chasing him. There's a helicopter that for some reason can't keep up with Keanu. Because the light is on him and then like Keanu in all of his duff spins and this helicopter's like, where did he go?

And this is, it's bullshit because it does what Daredevil did last week. It starts at a random part. This movie starts at a random part of the movie and then flashes back. That's what this is because you realize like, oh wait a second, all these police cars pulling up these helicopters. These are like the first

shots of the movie. Yes, yeah, yeah. But it's nothing. I mean, we're barely halfway through the movie when this happens. So he gets it. Another, I think you're about to say, the other thing that you hit something with. Oh, man. So he goes like an abandon whatever Q's Keanu's on the run. He picks up a toilet and

puts it through a car window. Dude, let me tell you something. You ever see a guy break a window with a toilet? Watch this movie and you can add that to your list. Holy shit. He picks up a, it's full size toilet and breaks this window.

It's pretty cool. Oh, man, it's awesome. Then there's an incredibly long car chase that goes on. It's a car chase that I think Christopher Nolan stole from Batman, man. It's the same thing. There's a lot in this that's stolen for Christopher Nolan stole for the Batman movies. But like, this was kind of reminded me of the Blues Brothers. Yeah, there's a lot of hilariously flipping cop cars in this movie.

But man, the most impossible thing. The way this car chase ends is Keanu pulls into like a closed gas station and he slides the car so that like the back of the car knocks out all the gas tanks and gas is flying everywhere. And he's just a fucking pervert. Like he's not an X-C-I-A whatever. Or he's stunt driver. He's not John Wick. He's a fucking pervert that kills women with piano wire. Yeah, he's a pervert that can use piano wire pretty well and takes a mighty fine photographs.

But that's about as far as it goes. And so the gas is just hemorrhaging all over this lot. These cop cars pull up. Kianu, he's got the windshield wipers on in the car, which is pretty funny. His car is getting covered in gasoline. He takes out his zippo and throws it, like lights it and throws it. This fire trail goes. It lights up these police cars.

It's a massive explosion. All these dudes are dead. But the hood of his car sets on fire a little bit, and he just drives off with this car on fire. That's against every movie. of physics, because once a car even remotely gets on fire, it has to explode. That's against everything I've ever seen in movies. Brian,

let me ask you, did you read this ridiculous scene with this car chase? How is my car not blowing up? Wouldn't a logical movie to sign me up for in secret, Brian? Cut to eight years later. Brian, do you know I can't be in the dark night because it rips off a movie I was previously in? I just lost

Batman, Brian. Batman. Your actions have consequences. You can't understand, Brian. Now, who would he have played in? I guess Cupid, yeah, it would have to be Two-Face. Oh, he probably, you know what? No, because what I realized while watching this movie, while I love him, Keanu can't play villains.

No. This is weird. And I was trying to recall if he has played villains in other movies. So Joseph Gordon Levitt's role? Oh, he's too old for that. Yeah, no, but like, what could he be? Like, Jim Gordon? He's not Batman.

I'm striking that from the record. Fair enough. Couldn't raise out ghoul? He's got that Matrix, Cash. Oh, yeah, that's true. Bain? Maybe, oh, Brian. Finally, the role of a lifetime.

The GMN reporter. Who plays? Oh, Anthony Michael Hall. Or the tubby dude that the Joker says. Anthony Michael Hall? No, the guy that's like, why should I have all the fun? Like, everyone can go kill this guy. Oh, oh, the accountant guy, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Or maybe the Morgan Freeman role. Maybe, yeah. I don't agree with this mess surveillance, Batman. That's more like it, Mr. Wayne. Oh, what if he was Maggie Gillenall in the Dark Night? Be nice to Jim Gordon.

He's a friend. maybe what was it like Tony Lister's role or whatever the criminal on the boat oh god oh the man there's something that makes that movie imperfect and it's that fucking whole side show yeah but if it was Keanu oh we're making it better

maybe I'm just doing what you should have done 10 minutes ago could he done a Jonathan Crane yeah or yeah that's That's probably the best. I mean, you couldn't be a good joker. He's not man. No, no, no.

He's not manic at all. You're right. Scarecrow, maybe. Or maybe he could get a pencil through his head. I think he'd be good at that. So somehow he evades police officers. Helicopters, all sorts of shit. He gets away. And like, here's something.

James Spader's like, oh, and like, he keeps calling James Spader because they're playing cat and mess. It's hilarious. Even, I think it's the second time, the second lady that gets put on alert. And like, every time they go to the media and, like, everything, it's all over TV. Like, oh, my God, this will involve blah. Yeah. And, like, at one point, like, the media even says, I guess this game of cat and mouse will go another day. Like, they literally say the words cat and mouse, which you shouldn't do in your script. But he keeps calling up Spader and he's like, oh, you keep going to that shitty Vietnamese restaurant or like, oh, your apartment is crap.

Didn't you like, wouldn't you be like, okay, hey FBI agents, why don't you stake out my house? I want six agents to follow me around. Right. And if you see anybody else following me around. They sort of have the seed of that idea, though, because they cut to the scene of it's Spader and Chris Ellis at the Vietnamese restaurant. And he's like, Chris Ellis is like, what a shitty restaurant. This is the worst restaurant in the city.

And Spader's like, it's okay. By the way, you think he's watching us right now? And Chris Ellis is like, nah. And then he just goes on to complain about how he can't use chopsticks. Speaking of which, did you guys read that IMDB trivia that was like, it's ironic because James Spader hates Vietnamese food? Oh, man. Oh. What the fuck was that about?

Dude, talk about useless things taking up space on the internet. Why? Why does that need to exist? And how does that exist? Exactly. Better update the trivia listing for The Watcher. Turns out I hate Vietnamese. He's doing it, right?

He's emailing from the blacklist trailer. Wade Redden would hate Vietnamese food, too. Wait, what'd you call him? Isn't his name Wade Redden? Ray Reddington. Ray Reddington. Raymond Reddington. I thought it was Wade.

No, it's not. Ray Reddington? Who's Wade? The Merck with the mouth? No, his name is Ray. Yes, Wade, Wade Wilson is the Merck with the mouth, Deadpool. Oh, oh, oh. In theaters last week.

But he's, I think he's, isn't he Red Redddington? Yes, that's, it's that stupid. He hasn't cried out. Red, ready. Wait. Eric, I don't you watch the show actively? I drop like,

I'm like eight episodes behind. But I don't think, I think your name has existed the entire time you've been watching. Something tells me his name was spoken sometime before season two started. Yes, no, I'm sure I've heard it 7,000 times.

But I'm not going to listen to that. Listen, I watched a couple episodes of that show. I think it's okay. It was one of those like, I'm watching way too much TV. That's the position I was in, my friend. And I said, goodbye, Reddington. Whatever you're doing.

Let him go off the top of Nakatomi Tower. You know what I was happy to pick up, though? Yeah. Is that baskets. Yeah. With Gallifanakis and Louis Anderson. Two episodes and it was really good. It's fucking awesome.

Louis Anderson is incredible in that show. He really is. It's, I think we're. Steve, have you seen it yet? No, I haven't. But I do like, you know, because it's important. Like, we make fun of people all the time, and we're just fat idiots. Like, sometimes people do good shit.

And when Louis does well, good for him. Good on him. We're just having a fucking diving board. Thank God. We're having fun on this show. We don't actually viciously hate Louis Anderson or Brian Keanu's poolhouse boy. I might hate him. Because he doesn't exist.

Yeah, we can actually hate fake people. But any time it's talking about a real person, maybe aside from me. Jim Belushi. You know, it's an act. We might be coming up to the Belushi and Sons, right? The Belushi Sons. It's happening, right? Yeah, oh yeah. Well, he's using that. Call me a hero. Show me a hero. He's in it for like one episode. It's very subdued before. Yeah, you got to stop fucking with the city of Yonkers, you piece of shit.

And he's apparently going to have a role on Twin Peaks in some way. You got to stop fucking with a town of Twin Peaks, you piece of shit. He's confeder. I picture him confronting Canadian gangsters. I thought you were going to say he was a Confederate soldier. He could be. Anything could happen on Twin Peaks. Oh, my God. Oh, hey, the South will rise again in the sleepy town of Twin Peaks.

I'm a specter of the past. I'm here to remind you, Dale Cooper, that... Look out. I don't know. Speaking of... I don't know. I don't know. One of the things that Spader should totally be surveilling...

and should know about is that clearly he's going to go after your therapist. He's following you. You know he's following you. You know he's going to follow you to your therapist who happens to be an attractive woman, which happens to be this guy's M.O., even though he's clearly a gay man

who wants to have sex with you. Now, and now, see, so here's a bit of bullshit, though. So there's a scene where Keanu, like, Spader gets in an elevator, and, you know, you see the big gloved hand open the door back up. He's wearing like a saber-tooth jacket in this scene. It's like suede and fur.

He looks pretty cool. And, well, Keanu always looks cool. And so Keanu gets in the elevator and you're like, oh, fuck, you know. But what you learn from all of those flashbacks of like Spader running after him and the fire and all that, he definitely knows what Keanu Reeves looks like. At least the haircut, the haircut's the same. And this dude gets on. Now, do Keanu's credit, he doesn't say anything. Yeah.

but come on you know what this dude looks like he gets within like 10 feet of him and um what happens is uh marissa tomey is a terrible therapist who not only she she's uh keanu goes in for a consultation he's like oh do you tape your sessions and she's like why as a matter of fact i do uh for all my patients like interesting information to know wait just to confirm every last one of them and you keep them here for some reason in an unlocked cabinet? Would it be that filing cabinet over there? You wouldn't happen

to label them all with the actual names of the patients, do you? Because that would be super helpful as opposed to using like patient number one or some other coding mechanism so that people can't break into it and steal people's deepest, darkest secrets. Oh crap. Let me clarify.

Helpful to you. You is the only person opening that filing cabinet over there. unlocked, right? Just to be clear, for you. It's nuts. She labels this guy's it. It's like, John Campbell.

You know, the whole fucking name. And Keanu breaks in, like, with a credit card, practically. And just opens this up, it steals it, and then starts listening to his tapes. That's another thing. That's another thing. Because it's like, you know, he's talking about Keanu Reeves. So it's like, oh, he's talking about me.

And so the last act of this movie is basically the last picture that he's Sends, Kianu is the Kianna Spader is the woman that they killed in L.A. Right. The prequel to the Watcher. The Watcher begins.

The last act of The Watcher begins is this. Right. It's this woman and he's like, oh, it's that grave that I always manly go to and cry in front of. So he goes there. Well, because that's the Creep City thing. I mean, Kianu has a point. So like, James Spader takes a cab to the cemetery, which by the way,

taking a cab into the cemetery, listen, get out walk. He's like, drop me off at these gates and I will walk into the cemetery. That was weird.

It was a weird thing. There's some big cemeteries out there, you know? I don't care. It's weird. Well, you know. You just turned to Paul Giovanni for a second.

I don't care. You shouldn't be paying fares inside of a cemetery. It's fucking weird. But so it turns out and Keanu totally has a point here because it's the grave of the dead woman in Chicago.

And Keanu's like, Did you move here to be closer to the grave of this dead woman? That's fucking sad, James Spader. And what's awesome is Keanu, very disrespectfully, is sitting there with a six or a thing towel on the fucking tombstone, just knocking back a couple of beers. I was kind of watching this in the day. I was like, ooh, day drinking, that's kind of fun. Dude, I watched this at 9 o'clock in the morning. And I was like, day drinking, that's kind of fun.

I watched this at night. And I was like, ooh, intimidating mourners. That's kind of fun. The worst line of the movie is like, so Keanu's like, you fucking idiot. You went all the way here for a dead woman. He's like, I don't know. Do you just sit here going, she loves me.

She's decomposing. Oh, she loves me. She's decomposing. Brian, you have to read this. This script sucks, Brian. Can I tell you, that's a bad line, but there's a line that I feel may rival it for the worst one. You are not my talent agent.

Sorry. I had to do that. No, just previously in the movie, it means nothing. But after that whole car chase or whatever, Spader goes on some kind of drug bender or something. I want to mention it only because it's like Ernie Hudson's only substantial scene in the movie. As he's like knocking on the door and Spader's not answering, they break in and they look around the apartment. Ernie Hudson finds him laying in the refrigerator. Like, he's on the floor, but his head's, like, in the refrigerator, and Ernie Hudson's like, well, he's ice cold.

And I'm like, well, he was sleeping in a refrigerator, Ernie Hudson. And he's hospitalized briefly. It means nothing. Zero. So, basically, he's like, all right. I actually, and he's like, you know, he spader brought a gun. He's like, I got a gun on you. And he's like, yeah, well, the only way you're going to see your therapist who looks remarkably like this dead woman alive is if you follow me on my game of cat and mouse.

No, here's what you do. You shoot him in the leg instantly. Yeah. And, you know, in your paperwork, you say, like, you spotted him and he was running away. Sure, sure. Yeah, obviously, you just doctor your police work. Like everyone does. Yeah, I mean, everyone's doing it.

We've all done it. We all got kicked off the NYPD. We didn't mention that. That was the prequel series. So Spader gives him his gun and they're about to go. The cheapest thing this movie does, which is amazing. is like they're in the graveyard, he gives him the gun and start walking away to, I guess,

Keanu's car, and Keanu fires the gun. Oh, the screen goes white, like, because there's no blanks in the gun. And he's like, oh, you left it loaded. And it's like, dude, you didn't put a blank in that gun. Or maybe the effect didn't work or something. There's a lot of... Or is it supposed to, like, represent, like,

my migraines are going off from that gunshot. It's possibly kind of that because the other thing that this movie is filled with late 90s music video camera filters all over the fucking place. They've got a lot of that choppy

slow motion shit like strobe effect garbage. Living dead girl in the back of my dragula. Not the crash test dummies. They're in there. They were there. They were in the back

of the dragula. Sorry, there's more room in the Dracula. The crash test dummies are taking up the whole back seat. We're a carpool in. I mean, I'm sure some bad sketch comedy team's done this already, but it's Rob Zombie Solving Mysteries inside the Dracula. It's him, the crash test dummies. Oh man, we could make like a fucked up 1990s Scooby-Doo mystery team. Sure. They're just driving around in the

Dragula, you have a couple of, weren't there, you could have the spider from the Sex and Candy video. He's there. He's there Scooby. He's talking to everyone. Yeah, but he's voiced by Danny DeVito. Bumblebee girl is kind of like the

Oracle. She's got all the computers back there. Or no, she's the Velma. I'm sorry, she's Velma. She's, bubbleby girl from, or Penny from Inspector Gadget type of vibe. You know, she's got all the, she's no, she's figuring things out. Bollaby Girl from Blind Mellon. Right, right, the Blind Mellon video.

Yeah, totally. We could do this. Beavis and Buttheader there. Another thing this movie loves, which is a 90s thing. The ghost of Kirk Cobain. They pulled the mask off. Also voiced by Danny DeVito. Or Frank Welker.

Oh, yeah. I heard Welker can do a mean Cobain. We're on the road to the hideout. Yeah, we're on the road to the hideout. and we get there and the car scene though this is somewhere it's some weird garbage

this is where Keanu's like comes closest to kissing him when he's just like you know you like my best friend and my brother and kind of my dad like it's this whole speech

and it's kind of awesome because what like Spader's driving the car and Keanu's riding shotgun saying this speech and he like hits him and he's like you fucking look at me when I talk to you And Spader looks out of him like, I'm driving a car. It's actually a nice pairing because I think that they have decent enough chemistry. They do.

You need it in a better movie. Spader is pissed off this entire time because it's James fucking Spader and he doesn't want to have to talk to anybody. That's right. I think that's why he excelled so well at doing the voice of Ultron because it was just him in a room. You never had to meet anyone. No. I'm sure him and Robert Denny. and Jr. had a nice dinner. They talked about tough turf

for a little bit. Oh, yeah. Man, to be a fly on the wall of that really nice restaurant where there aren't any flies in reality. And like, you know, maybe R.D.J. gives Spader's shit about his hair going. And then he's like, yeah, well, at least I had the balls to let it go. What are you talking about? Wait, what are you talking about? Dude, is

that a rug? No, I don't know. I'm just saying it. Yeah. Who knows? Everybody. He's got to be dying it. That's for sure. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, look, if Robert Danny Jr. actually had plugs or a rug, he has enough money that it would look as amazing as his actual hair does, so you would never know.

Turns out Iron Man money gets you a pretty good rug. It does. No, I'm sure he has regular real hair. Um, so they go inside, uh, Marissa Tomay's inside of a warehouse. This is when we cut, so there's gasoline everywhere. There's a shotgun mounted at her face. It's a real.

It's a mouse trap, booby trap situation. So it's like if anyone opens the door that's not Keanu, this gun's just going to shoot her to piece. Yeah, you touch that cheese. The cage is going to fall. That's right. And this is, I guess Spader, like, left his phone on so Ernie Hudson knows.

And this is when, like, Keanu starts dancing. And he's doing, like, devil horns on his head. Dude, he's doing. Yeah, he's doing the Dragula dance. And I can't imagine he's not, that he's dancing, that there's any other reason for him dancing other than to kind of try and turn James Spader on. He's like, is this doing anything for you, my devil, horns? Do you like this? I'll stop if you don't.

Just I wouldn't try it out. But it's so weird. Anything going on down there? It's so weird, though. It's like, are you... Knock on wood. Are you, like, trying to channel Michael Madsen, like, dancing with a gun, kind of to a bad song, sort of a thing?

It's weird. Are you going to drag you a whole day, little doggy? But it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, stupid because, like, I realized watching this movie, I don't ever need to see Keanu Reeves dance. No, he's just a weird. No, it's a weird thing. It's very weird. You're just looking at it, like, is that good?

Like, you don't even know. And then you're like, should I be looking at that? It's like staring into the sun. And, like, he gets Keanu pissed off because he's like, oh, you think we have this great, big relationship. Your fucking paperwork to me is like, do you know how any serial killers are active in Illinois, right now five and I'm like that's an incredibly high no he says five in the city of Chicago it's so good it's just like you're just a fucking job to me buddy who was I just a job oh wait I was oh man but you've got other gentleman suitors five fucking serial killers in

Chicago right now that's a lot yeah dude it's big time numbers might have been bluffing but I mean yeah I don't know what the statistics are this is the scene that really reminds me of the dark night because it's like all rigged the blow. There's like gas or whatever all stacked up and it's like ready to light up. Yes, yes hardware store attendant. I do need 16 separate cans of gasoline. Thank you. Don't ask why.

Isn't it weird? You can't buy like seven packs of pseudafed, but I could buy all this gasoline. And this sawed off shotgun without a background check? Closing time. Man, if that band just came around semi-sonic in there. Fuck, yeah, dude. Maybe some chumbabwamba.

Chumbabwamba, you get in that? Lit. Maybe Keanu is his own worst enemy. Who knows? He could be. I mean, the end of this movie is they get into a fight, right? Yep. And that shotgun that wall-mounted shotgun comes into play.

Sure does. It's my chut-gun. It's Chikovs. Shut the gun. I'm ready to blow, Captain. Here I come. Oh, no, not on the deck of the Enterprise. Oh, my.

Captain, the floor. What sucks, though, is Spader definitely just shoots Keanu in, like, the leg. Yeah. Not even, like, the foot or the knee, like, something that will incapacitate you the way you want to. Or the dick. Oh, yeah, shoot him right in the dick, dude. The beloved dick shot. That'll do it.

Shoot him while he's dancing. it is devil horns. Oh, my God, shot the devil horns. He, I mean, like, they jumped. The whole fucking warehouse is on fire. The big, dumb, like, Spader sets the fire, though. Yeah, yeah. Because the other thing is, and again, more to this theory that, you know,

Keanu's got it bad for Spader in this movie, there's all of the gasoline and whatnot, but there's candles everywhere, too. I mean, the whole thing is, like, when these candles burn down, they might get to the gas or whatever. It's scented, though. But I don't know what Like he throws something at him

Or something happens And Spader knocks over one of these candles Yeah And that starts this huge blaze And him and Rosatomee jump out the window And like Keanu doesn't get out in time Oh he totally catches on fire Burning up

And then he jumps out the window And this is some spawn level special effects Woof the CGI fire This is insane It's so bad And it's the end of your movie This is the most important scene in your movie, theoretically. I honestly thought that at the end here would be a fight in the water down there with Keanu as like a blackened burnt skeleton.

Oh, man, that would be awesome. Jason and the Argonauts like fighting James Spader. Well, the interesting thing is there is no last act. Oh, we thought he was dead. Now he's back because I think Keanu was just done. Like Keanu's like, put a fucking dummy in the water. I'm dead, okay? There won't be a twist ending.

Thank you very much. If you want Brian to do it, he'll do it. But I am done. Sure he's fat and has red hair, so he looks nothing like me. That doesn't matter. This movie fucking sucks anyway. No one's going to see it. As a matter of fact, I remember...

I had just started working at the multiplex at the time when this movie came out. And you had to do the thing where every Thursday night, like you put up the new posters, this, that, the other thing. And so I've just got this like roll of posters that I'm putting up in the cases And I didn't know what this movie was I thought the poster was pretty cool I didn't see the movie until Last fucking night

But in 2000 I was like That movie looks pretty cool Dude I put up this poster and I'm not paying attention You just like stick it in the light box And I close it and I lock it and I step back And I look at it and I was like No one's seeing this movie What was like Keanu

In a darkened silhouette Yes, and he's holding the piano wire and whatever. I was like, oh, yeah, dude, what's he up to? Turns out it was no good. So at the end of the movie is the end of the movie. Like, Keanu does not come back for, like, there's just like, the red skull is in the water. Dude, they make a point to be like this movie is over with

because, like, Spader helps get Marissa Tomei out of the water. And then he swims over to Keanu, who's face down, and he turns him over and it's like, and it's like, all right, yeah, that dude's dead. Yeah, he's not coming back. There's no watcher, too. Yeah, you can see the inside of his face. And I think the last line is,

oh, because it's like they replay the, like, Dragula? No, they don't. They replay Spader's first conversation with Marissa Tomei. Oh, right. As a therapist, you know, you would. He says, times up. Which is really just like, yeah, I'm done with this movie.

Yeah, and good night, Brian. Everyone, so the editor was done. He was like, you know a great way to end this? Just put times up. done with this movie man like just talk it's one of those things where it's like why'd you want to make this movie why did anybody want to make this movie movies about killers where all the rage in the late 90s yeah late 90s early thousands it was I mean like

we still get it a little bit but yeah there was that post seven yeah you're right sounds of lamb like any kind of serial killer movie wherein the serial killer is cat and mousing with someone right and it's kind of sex Definitely wanted to be a little bit sexy Just a little sexy This movie could have been sexified by like 65% Yeah man

Well we weren't ready for it as a country Unfortunately But there's ways to do it man I would have loved for them to get down and fucking dirty Oh yeah and Spader's doing like Is this what you want? This is what you've always wanted kind of a thing Like tricking him so like Tome can get out of there

Kind of a thing Oh yeah dude like the sexophone comes in There's no saxophone in this movie. No. It's all fucking draggulas left and right. There's too many dragglers. Got to tell you, that just worked for me. Yeah, you know, I mean, back then, the value of a draggula was way higher than it is today.

It was kind of cool. It was kind of cool to have a dragula in your movie. I kind of want my funeral. I mean, like, well, you know, I'll write a funeral when I'm older, or write a will while I'm older. But if not. I want to write it now. If, if before I get to it, I'd like Dragula to play at my funeral.

Like, I just want, like, just like, it's a real stoic memorial service. It's a big picture of me. And everyone's really sad. It's like, Stephen wanted one song to play. In its entirety. Oh, yeah. After, before eulogy, Stephen would like everyone to just ruminate on this song. D.

Do you do the Ditchie said, burn. Do you have your permission to put that on Periscope? Police Barrett. Live stream that. Dude, we're definitely going to have to live stream Steve's funeral. There is an 85% chance. I'm going to listen to Rob Zombie when I leave here tonight. Yeah, good, good idea. And now I'm going to think about you dying.

More so than usual. A little bit more. A little bit more. I haven't seen it yet. Guaranteed to be better than The Watcher. Rob Zombie's 31 coming out this year. I'm fucking pumped for that movie. Oh yeah.

What's that about it? It's about a bunch of people like it's stuck in some like, I don't know if it's like a. house or a facility or something like that and there's fucking crazy clowns trying to kill them. I don't know if I could do that one. I know. I don't know if I can handle that one. I don't know if I can handle that one. I don't

think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. Because I really liked his last movie and I was when you were like, oh, a house. I'm like, that's so cool. If you said anything else other than clowns, if you're like devil people or whatever, I'm like, yeah. Then you're like clowns. I'm like, no. I know. No. That guy loves Clowns. Yeah, he loves eerie clowns specifically. Would anybody recommend the watcher? Nope. No, I would not. It's okay. It's like sort of just such a, it's a bit of a time capsule movie you can enjoy some of it, but eh, not really. I actually think this might be an all right hangover movie. Yeah. My thoughts exactly. Because it's like it's slow. It's meandering. It's like a detective movie, but you don't really have to pay attention. No, you know exactly where it's going. That's the thing. Yeah. I, you know, I feel like. I feel like, it's meandering. It's like a detective movie, but you know, I feel like, Like if you're fucking trashed on a Sunday morning, you know?

Yeah. After you finish listening to that Velvet Underground song Sunday morning, you put on the watcher and you watch it. No, exactly. Like if you wake up and you feel like a cat shit down your throat, put on the watcher and just recover with some catering. But under no other circumstances. No. Like this is not like get your buddies to gather around. No, not at all.

No, no, no. This is hangover or bust. That's the watcher from the year 2000, directed by Joe Sharbonak, Charbanic. Who cares? If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, wh-hmpodcast.com, or find us over at sideshownetwork.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast, right into the ye-old mailbag, of course.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. I want to stress that a little bit. Yeah. noticed guys you're not really rating and reviewing the show on iTunes

or Stitcher Radio or wherever you receive the program it matters you don't think it matters but like your vote counts and your quarterly reports are your quarterly review is coming up so now it would be the time you know this draconian iTunes

system you know reviews are weighted it would really help the profile of the show if you take 10 God damn seconds out of your day. I mean, it's like 10 seconds. 10 seconds, you're doing something that's not watching part of the watcher, so that's fine.

There you go. So next week, we're venturing into what now? Olympus has fallen. We're going to the nation's capital, watch it explode. That's right. It's our live episode recorded at the D.C. improv back last December it was. We had a great time down there in D.C., so we will be

coming to you. Well, not live. It was recorded literally months ago. But great room, great crowd, great club. We You were happy to be there. Thank you for coming out. Yeah, if you were there, you know. But if you snuck in. Oh, boy.

But, you know, get ready for Gerard Butler impressions. Morgan Freeman impressions. Some Aaron Eckhart's in there? I don't know if we're doing Aaron Eckhart impressions necessarily. I did some Aaron Eckart face expressions. You had to be there. It pays to go to the live shows. And the week after that, we'll be doing the shadow when we go to Listener O'Westmind.

That is correct. So next week, live episode, Olympus is Fallen, and then Listener Request Month kicks off with Alec Baldwin in The Shadow. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.