We Hate Movies - S6 Ep239: Episode 239 - The Shadow

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

This week on the show, the gang kicks off another Listener Request Month by tackling the ridiculous snooze-fest, The Shadow! What kind of a name is Lamont Cranston? Is The Shadow participating in sex tourism? And how did Alec Baldwin get around shaving that chest? PLUS: The Shadow tries to murder Samuel "Screech" Powers! The Shadow stars Alec Baldwin, John Lone, Penelope Ann Miller, Peter Boyle, Ian McKellen, Tim Curry, Jonathan Winters, and James Hong; directed by Russell Mulcahy.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And this week, we are kicking off. Listen to requests. Yeah. Very excited about this. That was my Howard Dean. Oh, that guy was crazy, right? Yeah, he was so crazy. He had a bunch of crazy ideas.

Well, what a great way to kick off the show talking about ex-president Howard Dean. I think he's a pharmaceutical lobbyist now. But anyway, let's get to the show. Sure. I'm Andrew Jupe and Steven Seda. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this week, we are indeed talking about The Shadow, starring Alec Baldwin, of course, from the long-off year of 1994. It's directed by a fellow named Russell Mulaki. Do you know what else he did, man? He did The Highlander. Two Highlanders, the first two.

Yeah. One's good. One's not. Sure, the quickening. That's terrible. Yeah. Possible stay tuned. Definitely.

That was called in twice, by the way. It had a higher percentage. In the ping pong balls that we had, like, traveling around, it had a higher percentage, but it didn't make it through. It did not make it through. But, you know, Steve, last year you had this grandiose statement of we will do Weekend at Bernies. Yep. This year, I'm going to say, we're going to do Highlander, too.

Okay, there you go. Nice. Highlander, too. Highlander, colon, the quickening. Yes. Highlander I.I. Colan slash www. W.W.W. Quickening.

Forward. Slash. Remember. Forward, yes. So, by the way, this is the kickoff of Listener Request Month, and this was requested by Lisa from D.C. This is what she had to say. Hey, guys. This is Lisa from Washington, D.C. Big fan of the show. I actually came and saw you guys do Waterworld Live. It was great.

And I asked for this before, but I'm going to do it again. 1994 is The Shadow, starring Eric, Alec Baldwin's very hairy chest, and Jonathan Winters and Ian McKellen just not caring. Thanks a lot. Bye. All right, Lisa. challenge accepted. And well, she also did not get picked just because she bought a ticket. We did the lottery.

We did. It was like Shirley Jackson's the lottery. Now you have to die, Lisa. Just a reminder gang, this is a comedy show and we're not actually threatening anyone with death. No, but it could happen. We're not involved.

That's just... Speak it to dark. Yeah, good transition. The shadow. Whatever, man. Like, you know what? Whatever. man you want to make a shadow movie go fucking right ahead you did

now this was a it was a radio program right and also like magazine short stories pulp stuff and then like eventually comic strips oh yeah I bet there was a comic book well then there's comic strips at first like the like dailies and shit like that oh right yeah the

those ridiculous like Dick Tracy things where three panels occur and nothing happened the best is the Prince Valiant ones yeah that's just nothing there's all none of those or anything. Spider-Man was always the best because it's always like three panels of like, oh man, I got to make it home for Mary

Jane's birthday. Okay, I'm in the car now. End of sequence. Tune in next week, gang, and you can read more about Spider-Man driving to a birthday party in Hollis Queens. Maybe the Green Goblin will show up. Maybe you'll get

stuck in traffic. Who knows? Man, yeah, I just don't give the shit about comic strips. Unless it's like short comedy things. Like you can make Garfield work You can make Peanuts work The far side of class Sure

Spider-Man driving to a birthday party And it takes fucking two and a half months For him to get there I don't think so Side question Why is he trapped in the Nexus Side question what Why was little orphaned annie always getting kidnapped

I don't know She was always like on train tracks You know what leave that lady alone Yeah well you know She's unsupervised She's an orphan She's got a glaucoma Like things are not going well for her

Leave her alone. Back then, you could do anything with orphans. You're just like, let this girl die. Speaking of stuff back then, the biggest problem, I think, with the shadow of 94 and probably all together. Sure. I don't know. This is a dirty word now, but like the Orientalism. Oh, yeah.

You know, like the whole like, ooh, we're doing Foo Man shoe stuff, everyone. Aren't you excited for that? Yeah. No. And it's, I mean, and even in 94, man, like that, we were past that point. It's too little too late. I will give this movie credit. There are no super stereotypical Chinese accents, which I appreciate.

No, and we're also casting actual Asian actors. Also, that's two for two, but all of it's terrible. Yeah. And like, and like, Alec Baldwin has like these Mandarin fingernails in the beginning. Dude, he's got... Well, he speaks Mandarin. Right. I mean, he's got, like, some serious Harvey Keitel and taxi driver cocaine fingernails.

Like, he really does. And it's like the only part about him that's, like, adapt. adapted to that culture is the fingernails. Did you what he said about you? Called you a little chicken wing. Anyway, let's go on. But, I mean, this movie starts and you're like, wait, what happened?

It's just like Alec Baldwin doing Coke in fucking, or doing opium. Oh, man. Yeah, because obviously. Back in the 20s, I guess. 30s. He's just living it.

He's got this long hair. He's not wearing his shirt. Nope. Yeah, why would you? Well, because he's already got one on. It's his fucking chest hair. And he's got a sharkettes out in front, you know. watching TV

This like He's got like this harem going on I guess that's also kind of a dirty word But um Well this is a thing where it's like You need to give me something At the start of this movie I'm watching this movie

I know nothing about the shadow Of course you didn't 149 years old Exactly I didn't fucking fight in World War II Yes thank you And I'm just like I'm like wait a second You don't remember Orson Wells Before he was Orson Wells

Yeah you know And I'm like... Oh, that Wunderkind? Oh, that Wundercin for the Mercury Theater players. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's making a movie, is he? Oh, wow. I mean, not going to make that transition from radio to the moving picture?

I think he's going to fail. That Citizen Kane's going to be garbage. You watch. I thought, I'm watching this movie. I was like, oh, my God. Is he supposed to be an Asian guy? Yeah. That's what I thought this was at first.

No, he's just an expat, man. Yep. And now he's running the show. He's fucking fetishizing that culture, too, which is just kind of weird. Spoiler alert, this is where Chris Cabot is doing right now. He's got long, long hair. He's got long fingernails.

Yep. He's got a very stereotypical Asian harem going on. We, you know, actually all of us have lived with Chris Cab in for a fashion, and we can all confirm that he's no friend to his shirt. You know, that's just him being him. Alec Baldwin should not have had these MC Hammer pants on in this scene, though. these parachute pants he's got on. How about just like a little like

Gerard Butler and 300 diaper? Yeah, or just like a robe. You know what I mean? Robe is the answer. Rob is the way. You can hide up most of that chest hair. And it's really relaxing. And this is like fucking caveman lawyer wig.

It's straight out of S&L casting. This wig they plop on his head. He's like a drug kingpin here. Right. Well, what is exactly going on? It's like some old man's shoved at him? Well, it's the it's the dude who is the restaurant manager from

Seinfeld. He's also Tia Carrere's dad in Wayne's World too. I mean, he's been around the block a thousand times. What's his name? He's like James Hong I think it's James Hong, yeah. And you know, he's great in a lot of stuff. Sure. Cartwright? You know, it's so fucking funny. That's, I saw him and I just went cartwright, four,

you know? A lot of NBC stars are in this movie. We'll get into that as well. I read the whole cast of 30 Rock. The intro scene is, like, James Hong is on trial for, like, kind of trying to cut Alec Baldwin's character out of something. And he just gets shot and, like, Alec Baldwin is shown to be a really bad dude. Like, he takes, like, his interpreter hostage, and he's like, you've been like a father to me. I would never ever let anything happen to you.

And he turns to his guards, like, shoot through him. Yeah, shoot through him. Wow. What a bad dude. And you're, it's a real, our hero, ladies and gentlemen, this Lamont Cranston. LeMont Cranston, by the way. Yeah, what a, what a name. And then he's doing a little bit of sex tourism because he's at the middle of an orgy in the next scene.

Yeah. Well, no, it's not, it's not tourism anymore. He's taking a residency. Yeah, this guy has set up shop in the sex district. And it's like, what am I on our honestly even watching? Again, I have no idea what the shadow is. It's like, is this the movie? Yeah, I saw this as a youngster.

Yeah. And I hadn't seen it in so long. And I watched it last night. I was like, wait a second. Wait, he is the shadow, right? He's the good guy, right? What's going on here? Is he possessed by the same?

No, he just, he gets kidnapped. He goes to a temple. And it's like this 14-year-old Asian boy with the voice of the movie announcer? And he's like, hello, I have the ancient such and such. I am part of the movie phone dynasty. If you're just like, what the fuck? Gotham must be destroyed. Yeah, totally. And he's kind of like, he's sort of a ghost. This kid, I don't know what's going on. He basically was like, hey man, guess what? You're going to be the shadow. I'm going to teach you how to use your mind powers. You're evil now, but you won't be forever. And then you're like, what? And

It's like how they rehabilitate people in the rest of the world. In America, they throw you in jail, toss the key away. Sure. In the mythical big O, I won't say it, you are like turned into like a vengeful spirit, but it's in a good way. Yeah, it's like you're just, you're doing time fighting crime for your sins. And I guess because they don't really even explain it. It's because he's in the opium business. Is that the idea here?

I have no idea. We actually cut to a scroll, which is amazing. I've never seen a delayed scroll in my life. I almost fell off the fucking couch. 15 minutes in, you lost your scroll privileges. Most certainly. Absolutely. Because it's just like, it's like deleted scenes like, oh, we lost a real.

I don't know, put a scroll. Because it's just like, no one's reading it. He's like, you will learn, my son. You will learn. And then he did learn and all this other stuff happened. Blah-da-blop. No one's saying anything, though. It's just almost science.

It's silent, right? It comes up. Then it comes up, it's like seven years later, New York City. Well, and there's a gag there, too, because it's like Lamont Cranston decided the best use of his shadow powers would be to go back to the place. And they don't say wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it's close enough. It's so close. And it just like cuts to, you know, the wretched hive of scum and villainy. That is ellipsies cut to the Brooklyn Bridge and it's New York City seven years later.

And I was like, Wow. Oh, I live in a dump town. Funny you should laugh like that because that's all Alec Baldwin. This fake cackle is the worst. I mean, what, what? I mean, was the laugh supposed to be like his batterang?

Like, it's distracting people and intimidating people that he's just cackling like a hyena. Ha ha ha ha, ha, ha, behind you. I can't do it as good. Well, sometimes it's like that, like a pervert laugh. What? That's not what I was doing. I'm the shadow. But then other times it's like, ah.

You're right. He's the wicked witch of the Far East. And it's just silly. And you know, maybe that shit is entertaining on a radio broadcast. I actually found a podcast that, like, a podcast that, like, lays out old-timey radio shows. Like, they just post old-timey radio shows.

And they just repose. Yeah, and the shadow is one of them. And I want to give them a quick plug. It's a thing that's just called classic radio drama is the name of it. But you can find it on iTunes. They've got like hundreds of episodes. Because I guess that's public domain now.

It must be. For a second, I thought you were going to tell me that there was a podcast about 1994 is the shadow that examines it one minute at a time. Oh, man. Each week, it's It's another minute of the shadow.

Hey, have you got no life? One minute at a time. Could we get any more niche than one minute of the shadow every week? We've guaranteed ourselves 148 episodes strap in for the exciting podcast that is 1994's The Shadow, colon, minute by minute. This part is just the scroll again.

Sorry, we're in the doldrums here, guys. There's more movie to come, but like... This scroll comes out of nowhere, and it just lasts. It's three minutes, so, you know. You're back in the majority of a month on the scroll. Oh, man. Whatever, man. It's this, like, I mean, like, it's a Batman-esque scene, which I know the shadow was based on Batman,

or Batman was based on the shadow, at least a little bit, you know. Oh, yeah, and you get this vibe, right? So, like, there's this fellow who has witnessed a crime, so they're putting cement shoes on them, and they're going to throw them off the Brooklyn Bridge. Funny thing, I was sitting there, I was like, have I ever seen a cinematic instance of cement shoes? Dick Tracy. Oh, right. Not the best, big boy, not the best.

Yeah, you're right. And I mean, like, this is got to be others. I was trying to remember if there was cement shoes in casino, but I don't think there is. No. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. This whole movie's got the stink of Dick Tracy all over it. It most certainly does.

Well, because it was only what? Like, Dick Tracy was a few years before this. Yeah, I mean, that's the whole movie. Like, what, 91 maybe? One, two, something like that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, this fucking reeks of Dick Tracy. And honestly, I'd rather be watching Dick Tracy.

Oh, for sure. It's way more interesting stylistically. Sure, you're putting up with Madonna, but who hasn't? Yeah, I mean, like, there's, you know, Warren Beatty's years of blackmail got every actor in the world in that movie. That's true. Like, I just feel like he finally got his network of spies. And it's like, everyone's going to be a Dick Tracy. Like, wait, what?

You're a prune face now. I mean, you're talking like a pre-scent of a woman. Al Pacino I do believe Sure You got Dustin Hoffman As Mumbles for no reason Oh my God

Now I don't remember that movie In the slightest Because I probably haven't seen it Since the early 90s It's long and it doesn't stop Are we talking about a stay tuned situation For Dick Tracy Kind of sort of maybe

Yeah We might get letters now I bet there's a bunch of Tracy heads Oh big time trace heads out there Oh yeah but they'll have flat tops All these ghouls and gobbles like that movie. It's ironic that Dick Tracy

would beat them up for that appearance. So whatever. I mean, like the shadow stops this dude from being murdered. But this bridge, and this whole version of New York City

is very much a New York City I want to live in. It's a New York City where five people live there. There's no one on this bridge, no one driving by whatsoever. Yeah. Out Baldwin's walking around

is the king of New York later on you? You see, like, one guy shine his shoes and then move along. It's almost as if it was on a soundstage the whole time. It's eerily like that. I mean, I can kind of appreciate they're going for the look as if this movie was made in the 1930s. Sure. minus all the terrible 1994 computer effects that are farting around. That's a big problem. Like, if you don't got it, why bother? You know what I mean? Like, you could do this movie without any of these effects. Right. Here's the thing, though, that I kind of wonder. I mean, we're talking 94.

We've also made fun of movies like Spawn, you know, these movies in the 90s that are using CGI. The thing about it is somebody had to do it first. Somebody had to make a shitty-looking movie with computers. That's true. But I mean, your movie is called The Shadow and one of his big powers is being a shadow. And you know what's not that hard to make?

A fucking real shadow. I've seen it to great effect in many films. Yeah, you could look through the entire German expressionism movement, film noir. I mean, even Spielberg uses shit. shadows pretty well in Raiders and whatnot. Yeah. But like in this,

oh my lordy lord. I mean, it's just a cartoon. It's kind of like Mortal Kombat. It's very mortal combat. It's very mortal combat. Special effects. Yeah,

this is not the shadow. This is noob, Saibat. He's kind of, yeah, he's very noob sci-batt. And there's more Mortal Kombat. Because I don't,

and this never happened to you guys probably, but I thought the whole movie, I thought the villain was actually Ganga's Ka. I did too. And I read online. I was like, wait, what?

Shao Khan. I thought like he was the ghost of Genghis Khan the whole time. Me too, what? He came out of the tomb of Genghis Khan. That's what's purposely confusing. In the middle of the movie, he's like, no, no, I'm the descendant of it. I'm like, wait, I mean, like, I did get it because he said it. And I was like, I thought he was lying at first.

And then B, I was like, oh, that's worse. Well, it's kind of like, you know, I believe like the Karloff Mummy movie where like he claims, if I'm remembering right, He claims to be the descendant of whoever he actually is. So he's the mummy junior? No, he's not, but he tells people that he meets in the town. So he might be Genghis Khan, but he's going by Shao Khan. Well, it would have been interesting if they found some, like, supernatural way for him to actually be Genghis Khan. But it is just kind of like...

Why is he dressed in that Mongol armor? He's got all these Mongol warriors, and I'm just like... See, this was really through me. I did not realize this guy was of... the early 20th century. I thought he was Genghis Khan. So I'm like, what does Genghis Khan know about gasoline?

Yeah. No, I was like, what does he know what a gun is? He's like, oh, I have a taste for American bourbon. I'm like, since when Genghis Khan? Is there something I'm missing? It's funny. I had the same thing because I thought he was lying.

I mean, like, it would have been more interesting if he was lying. This, I mean, this comes out of a scene where John Lone, who plays, I think it's Sharon Khan or whatever. I think, yeah, Shiren Khan. or something like that. The Shao Khan. Cody Khan.

Hey, I'm Cody Khan. I'm a descendant of Gangas. I grew up in Long Beach and loved surfing. Just like my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather, gangas loved surfing. But aren't we all somewhat? Yes. We talked about this.

A little bit of a descendant of Gangas Khan. Yes. See our episode on The Conqueror. Everyone is Gangas Khan. You got a little gangis in. So he comes out, like, the dad from Alf And the Jerry Seinfeld's worst plane companion ever Farfold put your shoes on

They discover this thing And the dad from Al's like, oh, geez He's doing his classic Where's my crack pipe? That guy was a big drug addict, huh? I think so, right? I have no idea. I think of Jerry Stahl.

Well, anyway, this guy might have smoked crack too. Basically, he comes out and he kills these people and, like, he can hypnotize you. So he tells the security guard to blow his brains out. And yeah, he's dressed like Genghis Khan in the history books. And he's coming out of a sarcophagus. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real Bill and Ted's excellent adventure moment.

Oh, no, Genghis. Oh, Genghis. Put the gun down, dude. It's kind of stupid, too, because he's definitely just doing, like, Jedi mind tricks on these people. So much Jedi stuff. It's a power that Alec Baldwin also has from his shadow training where he's yelling at his uncle played by Jonathan Winters, who's the police commissioner.

And it's like, no, you're not going to investigate the shadow anymore. You're just going to sit down and eat this steak and it's going to be delicious. And he's like, yeah, I will just eat this steak and it will be delicious. And those aren't the droids I'm looking for. And you're like, what a fucking rip-off? What was that?

That was nothing. Let's get back to guarding this death star. But, I mean, I don't, I mean, you know. The Shadow might have invented the Jedi Mind tricks for all I know. To quote Eric Siska, put your tweet down, sir. I'm sure The Shadow was doing it before Lucas wrote Star Wars. Can we just get, so he basically, we're kind of all over the place. He's terrible.

He saves this guy's life. This guy is cement shoes. He makes this, he scares all these people by doing Mortal Kombat tricks. And he shoots off this dude's cement shoes, by the way. That's a nice little trick. That's a risk. Yes. Of course it is. Sorry about shooting your feet up.

Yes. Sorry about your ankles, but now you don't have cement shoes anymore. By the way, this is my associate, Peter Boyle. He'll be driving me the entire film. Also, by the way, your life now belongs to me. Wait, what? Yeah. So if the shadow helps you out, wait, what? You become the shadow's servant, basically. His agent, he calls it. Which is the best way of thing, servant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, way to fucking put lipstick on a pig. Put this giant red, red, red, red,

ring on. It won't be really obvious if someone breaks up my network. It's not like they could all see, hey, all these people working for the shadow. Have the exact same ring. That's just the fashion of the time. But I

saved your life and now it belongs to me. So wear this red ring. Yeah, boss, it's me Peter Boyle driving you around in this taxi day in and day out. I just wanted to get back to you saving my life. You kind of just made me quit smoking. I mean, yeah, sure.

But come on. Is that what it was? No, no, they don't say. I want that side movie, though, of Peter Boyle as this taxi driver, you know? Because I bet back in the 30s and whatnot, it probably got pretty hairy, too. Well, you know what you might be able to do is just watch taxi driver. And where Peter Boyle also plays a fucking taxi driver. Yeah.

I forgot that. He says something racist. And Alex Baldwin's like, wait, what did you say up there? Not that I was getting visions of my. myself from 1974. I'm just saying, you know, you don't go uptown, maybe, Travis. Why don't you just have a ham sandwich in here? Lamont, you're not going to want to go past 110th Street, if you know what I'm saying, Lamont.

Just saying, Lamont. But, like, he is, like, fucking, I mean, like, some agents, it's like, one day, I will come, and I will ask a favor of you, and you will have to not refuse me. Much like Don Corleone. Which is totally fine. Yes. But, like, literally, he's like, boil. I think I need milk from the store

Come on Well it's awesome too It was 10 years ago Shadow Give it up This guy that he saves with the cement shoes Is very reasonably like What do you mean I have to work from you For you?

He's like I have a job I've got a family And Baldwin's like No more bub And you're like okay But then you see later in the movie Peter Boyle doesn't he'd have a wife Yes

And he's like sorry babe Gotta go out and help the shadow again This was great too, because it's like, oh, no, another one of these mysterious letters from the shadow. What's that, dear? Is that another correspondence from the bowling league? Yeah, I've got to go out bowling for the rest of my life. See you later, honey.

If me and a young Ralph Cramden are going bowling again and getting a couple of brews at the moose lodge. I'm certainly not having an affair on you. I'm just helping a mythological man By the way Can we get into the prosthesis In this stupid effing fucking movie The prosthesis that indeed makes him look like Billy Baldwin

It's like it's like It's like Billy Baldwin Or it looks like It looks like fucking Paul Sorvino On a bunch of stacker two Stagger 2 Yeah That's mail that to 2006

Out of the Space Time Continuum But, like, what the hell? I guess the idea is, the shadow, because all he wears is a hat, and he wears, like, this pretty cool red scarf around his... Oh, I like that scarf. I do too. Oh, it's gorgeous.

And, like, the idea is, like, I guess if you were to see him, you wouldn't know that it looks like Alibaldon because he's, like, a psychic projection, so he looks like a different person. Is that what's going on? Or is he, like, actually, like, tacking on a fake nose and being like, ha,

they'll arrest my brother, Billy. Wait, so is that true? Because I thought it was a mask. No, no, no. It's a projection? Yes, later in the movie, I think, like, somebody distracts him and his face goes normal. Oh, yeah, you're right, you're right, right.

So I think it's like, like, but it's so silly. Now you know my real face, Shao Khan. I'll see how the clouded mind sees nothing is what the shadow's motto is, or one of his mottoes or some shit. Yeah. But it looks, it looks terrible. What was that one big motto? The weed of crime does not pay.

Oh, the weed of cried bears bitter fruit, bitter fruit. fruit. Yeah, that's what he signed off all the radio programs with. Sort of like the more you know with G.I. Joe. The weed. So, wait, so Steve, what were you saying? It looks terrible. What else? It looks terrible. Just don't do it.

Well, yeah, don't do it. Literally in the movie when Alic Baldwin is just the shadow. And, like, he's got the outfit on. He kind of looks kind of bad ass. I'm like, good for Alc Ball. But for the rest of the movie, every time, he's either not the shadow at all, which is a lot of this movie. Or he just

is dressed like a fucking Muppet. in a goddamn shadow costume and it's like, who could care? I seriously think, though, they were like, what do you want this projection to look like? And he was like, it'll be funny if it looks like my brother, William. Like, go back and look like,

look at it. It looks like fucking Billy Baldwin and it's terribly unsettling. It's just, why and who? Hmm. By the way, the way that an agent will call on you, Agent to Shadow Agent, is, you know, the agent will be like, oh, it's sunny out today and you're supposed to,

or what is it? Oh, it's, um, uh, it's something about ISIS. The sun is shining, but the ice is slippery. Oh, yeah. Something about ISIS, did you say? Yeah. What, what Twitter are you reading? Alec Baldwin's.

I'm an agent of ISIS. Here's kind of, yeah, well, it's the Middle East. Yeah, it's close enough. Here's the thing is I mean, like, we do, we have our own, we hate movies agents. If you're a fan, if we hate movies and you want to find out if somebody else is a fan, you just say, I hear that Paul Giamatti is great on billions. And then the response has to be, yeah, yeah, yeah, something about ISIS. And then you'll both know that you're...

You know that you're talking to with WHAF. Just something about ISIS? No, literally the word something about ISIS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's, again, because let's get this going. So I heard Paul Giamondi's great on billions. This is what we really need, is everyone to be associating us. us with ISIS.

Not associating us with ISIS. Should we think of a different second part? No, let's go with ISIS. They'll be gone in a week anyway. Oh, wait. So how about this? I heard Paul Giamatti's grade on billions. Yes, but Jim Belushi also loves hot dogs.

That way everyone knows. Then you know. Yeah, exactly. Okay, I'm into that. Fair enough. So he goes to a jazz club because he's eating a steak. The Cobalt Club. The Cobalt Club.

Very good. Peter Boyle. Cobalt. On the way to the... You know, you ever going to pay me for gas? Oh, of course not. I'm Lamont Cranston. You should pay me for the honor of driving around me, Lamont Cranston.

He lives in such a humongous mansion in this, too. It's like right in the middle of Manhattan. Like, it's a fake mat painting. I think they turned it into the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Well, Lamont Cranston finally died. Let's turn this into an amazing museum. And fucking Peter Boyle's just dancing on his grave. Because he totally would.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm free. We're all free of the shadow. Breaking those fucking costume jewelry they have to wear. On the way to the Colbault Club, there's a great thing. Because he's got this dude in the car, the cement shoes guy. And he's giving him the lowdown of what has to happen. And the guy is like, he's like, so how long do I have to do this?

And it's like, forever. And he starts laughing. And the laugh inside the cab Has an echo to it And then it's like, why is it echoing inside the cab? It sounds like he's laughing into a toilet. It's echoing off the shadows. Oh.

Yeah, he occupies the space between spaces. Oh, wow. Now we're talking. So we're at the Cobalt Club. We're having a big, nice, rare cooked steak dinner with Uncle Jonathan Winters and introduce our blonde bombshell of the film, Penelope and Miller.

Yeah, her. career was stolen by Nicole Kidman and Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts kind of played monkey in the middle with Penelope and Miller's career like you get it, you get it. It's like, give me back my career. No, now I'm in

the shadow. Well, shit. Because those two ladies stole that woman's thunder. I'll tell you what. What was her big thing? Carleto's way, I guess. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, I guess that's probably your biggest movie. It's certainly not the show. The relic, maybe. Is she in the relic? She is in the relic?

Isn't that another movie about a knife coming to life? I don't remember. Yes, there's definitely another one. I can't remember. Well, we didn't mention there's a knife in this movie. We first meet it at the beginning, and it's like, it's got a face on it. It sounds just like that. Do you guys know who was doing the voice of that goddamn knife?

You got Welkered. We got Welkered. How on earth does that guy get to voice a fucking knife? And that knife's not saying anything. It's just on. And you can't get anyone and else in the world to do that? It sounds like a herculoid.

It does. It does. Maybe it was a herculeoid. It was all from the back. It was behind the dinosaurs. It's so silly. Yeah. It's got like sharp teeth and like little claws.

So like if it's not stabbing you, it's biting you. It's something you'd see in like a Mario game. Like an annoying little Mario villain. It's just dumber than dog shit. It's turned central. And like it's like, oh, get ready. that knife's coming back. So, I mean, they meet each other at the Colbilt Club.

He realizes she has psychic powers, so he's like, oh, I can't, like, mind trick this lady into having sex. So therefore, she's of no use to me, Peter Boyle. Do you think that's what he was getting at? Yeah, I think that's kind of right? Yeah. No, it's that she's going to find out his secret identity. But I feel like he does later in the movie. You think it's just that?

No, but that's the bigger part of it. Oh, yeah. I thought you were naive. No, no. I know all the secret motivations of one, Lamont Grandston. I cannot say Lamont Cranston enough. It's a great name. It's great and stupid all at the same time.

So fucking, it's just basically, Genghis Khan after whatever, Shout Khan, Genghis Khan, Ripley Khan, Garrell Khan and accounts. David Khan of the War of the Michigan Timberwolves. Don't forget about Cody Khan out here on the coast, bra keeping it real like grandpa ganges did we talk about how he killed

he makes fake the Kramer the guy who plays Kramer on Seinfeld on the show Jerry on Seinfeld that guy yeah he's a taxi driver he makes that dude commit suicide by driving into a gas truck

now what is the motivation there was that guy onto something well the motivation there was the dude was like writing down where he was dropping off Shauka. Oh, yeah. And he was like, are you making a log of my whereabouts? And he's like, yeah,

I'm writing down there of my fares. And he's like, yes, I'm doing my job as a taxi driver. So therefore he had to die. Right. And he's like, oh, you need gas. You need to fill up. You need fuel or something like that. The dudes, he looks at the gas gauge and it's full.

And he's like, oh, thanks a lot. And he just drives into this gas tank. and kills himself. Yeah. Not one for a low profile, this Genghis Khan, Jr. And he took the raisins, too. You took the raisins, dude. That means you need to die.

That's the way it works. I mean, where's the part in this movie where Alec Baldwin has a hilarious dream where the fire screams at him? That's right before, like, he is like, oh, my God, that somebody's... He just, like, the fire, like, goes, me, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And he goes, someone's coming. What's that burning? Bush. I should kill Moses. Wait, shut up, talking dog. I can't hear Burning Bush. Ten commandments? Seems a bit excessive.

Tell the big cheese upstairs to knock it down to five. That idea is courtesy of Lamont Cranston. I mean, to be realistic, just sort of paraphrasing Carlin, a lot of that shit's kind of the same anyway. It gets very repetitive. It's a real stretch. It's just seven words you shouldn't say, right? So, Lamont Cransted, by the way, so he's got this big fuck-ass mansion in the middle of the city.

Yeah. And then all the way at the other side of the city, he's got a sanctum, which has got like all this cool shit and it's his back cave. And he makes fucking Peter Boyle of all people drive him hither and thither. Well, he is the Alford. I mean, pretty much clearly, right? Well, you know, but here's the difference, though.

Bruce Wayne comes down for breakfast. He's like a morning. Alfred. Thank you for cooking me breakfast. Oh, of course, Master Wayne, this, that, and the other thing. Here's today's agenda. A little pithy comment back and forth. Sure. This is Alec Baldwin as Lamont Cranston. Gets in a car and just goes, inner sanctum. And Peter Boyle's just like, so, uh, rain today, huh?

I said, inner sanctum. Do you see what's in my lap? It's the paper. I'm reading the paper. I don't want to talk to you. Do you see what's also in my lap? The troubles of the city. And after this, pick up my dry cleaning. Oh, but under no circumstances are you to enter Chateau-Dou, Cranston.

You've got to wait outside. You wait outside with that until I'm back. I might be double-fisting martinis at a club, or I might be shooting random people. Hey, remember when I saved your life when you almost j-walked and I grabbed your shoulder? And then that bus came by? I feel like the lower tier, the life-saving, the longer sentence. It's like, I didn't have to pull you out of traffic, but I did. You're welcome.

And, uh, inner sanctum. And I know there was no car coming, but you would have stepped in that wet pothole. And I have powers and you would have twisted your ankle pretty bad. Is he a psychic too? Yeah, I think he's got it all. Sure. He does indeed have it all. So he goes there and then like, I mean, to picture Genghis Khan Jr.

this movie. Like, imagine when your uncle shaves, your uncle's got a big, great, big beard, and then shaves it and leaves it in the sink. And if you were to put Elmer's glue all over your face and just pat it all over, that's what this guy looks like. John Lone, by the way, a great name.

Yeah, John Lone, the actor, but man, bad fake beard. Yeah, just don't bother. It's terrible. Just literally don't bother. Yeah, I agree. Why bother? Like, I get it. Supposedly, Ganga's Khan, had a pretty rad mustache, but you know what? You're the descendant. You can just keep it clean. Is this like, oh, he's got a cool fake nose.

I don't got a fake anything. You got a fake beard going here. Get that beard on. You better start a fake beard. It's just stupid. They have this like tete-a-tete, wherein he finds out that he killed his, he killed the other guy or something. The descendant of Ganga's Khan, if I'm understanding this terrible movie correctly, murdered the guy that trained Alec Baldwin to have all these shadow powers, basically. And he's like, yeah, I guess.

killed your teacher so now here I am and before I killed him I made him teach him all the stuff that you can do so they kind of like they have the same powers sort of a thing and that teacher got killed with the Frank Welkud blade yes because that's in it's in

possession now by the the Gangas Khan associate or descendant or whatever you want to call him Shao Khan Shao Khan himself and whatever I mean like Ian McKellen's in this movie oh right Yeah, let's talk about you, McKellen.

He's playing an American scientist, not pulling off that accent too well. It's fine. I mean, he's a great actor. Sure, sure. It's one of the, Eric, you pointed it out very nicely. It's like, how did Hollywood ignore this man until the year 2000 where he's playing Magneto? It's insane. He's basically, he's in tons of, he's in stuff, but he's like, step out of the shadows Ian McKellon.

It's time to be a movie star. He is, you are the future, Eric, not them. He's in, he, to be fair, he is in apollo. people before that's true and that was a good performance and I also liked him in another Nazi thriller the Keep oh right of course he's in the keep uh he's in all and the band played on he's really good in that but it's I mean none of these were like huge things in the way that you know he's being used in massive Hollywood blockbusters you sure outlived Brad Renfro though yeah he sure did I guess we all kind of did well we get literally if you're listening to

this podcast. Congratulations. You've outlived Brad Redfro. Well, you know, maybe there's some younger listeners. Maybe they were born post Brad Renfroes. Do we have people that were born in 2009? I think so. You mean babies? Unfortunately,

some people consider this a family show. Any seven-year-olds out there, I'm sorry for some previous episodes. I'm sorry for everything. Oh, so also Ian McKellen's character is the father of Penelope Ann Miller. Yeah.

What is that creaky hand for? I don't know. Do you buy that at all? No, I don't. I mean, that's what I'm just telling you what the movie tells. No, I know. I'm not holding you accountable. No, I don't buy it. Okay. All right. That's fair. But, you know, so he is like this scientist and he's fiddling with something and he kind of appears to be out of it when she comes and visits him. And what you realize is through this ridiculous scene where someone is bothering to explain

magic science to Alec Baldwin and he's just standing there looking at a chalkboard like mm-hmm mm-hmm go on mm-hmm is that Ian McKellen is he's like he's Jedi mind-tricked by this con descendant and condescending and he is he's basically he's building this dude an atomic bomb I believe made out of magic which didn't exist yet and I think Shao Khan is the one who coins It's the term atomic bomb or something like that. Yeah, no, I think, no, Alex Baldwin in this scene is like, it would be like an atomic bomb. Oh, wow, yeah, there you go. And it's like, oh, wow, that's pretty catchy.

The shadow knows. Yeah, who knows what bombs will be called in five years. When did we start the Manhattan Project? Because I think this is supposed to be like 1931 or something. We dropped the bomb on Japan. On Japan. Yeah. In 1945.

Right. I mean, it was going on, but I think it was kind of a secret until then. Right. So, in other words, something that a possible ghost from 800 years ago wouldn't know anything about? No, definitely not. But the shadow might. The shadow's gotten in. It's because of that network.

I think one of his indentured servants was in the fucking Manhattan Project. I've been to Paula. I used my shadow powers to infiltrate Paulo Alto. Do you think that the shadow... Los Alamos? Do you think one of the shadows... was Robert Oppenheimer? Yes, definitely.

Listen, Robert Oppenheimer's big quote was probably just a line fed to him by the Shadow. And then when they say that, you say, we have become death, destroyer of worlds. Yeah, that sounds real good.

You know, Shadow, I was just, there was a... We have become death, destroyer of worlds. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree. I just, I feel like... Put this ring on. I didn't eat that soup.

because it had a hair in it and thank you for pointing that out but honestly I'd like to get on with my life now you also almost swallowed a fly just like that old woman in that story

whatever remember Ian McKellen when I came up to you on the sidewalk and told you your shoe was untied you're welcome slash my slave forever I use

my powers to see you would have tripped and broken your neck you're welcome I think Jonathan Winters is always eating steak in this movie yeah I think that was in his contract most of these scenes like you know echoing Michael Cain from

a couple weeks ago he is like sitting down in almost every scene of this movie yeah I think that things were starting for Jonathan Winters well it's a weird thing because it's like wow why have Jonathan Winters in this movie he was great he was an amazing comedian yeah yeah why have Jonathan Winters

in this movie. In the opening credits, I went ooh, Jonathan Winters. And then I was like, oh, Tim Curry. Like, I was literally I went all the way up and all the way down. Well, so Tim Curry, also in this movie, he is stacked with garbage, isn't it? I mean, Tim Curry, I think,

had to go to the hospital to get his stomach pumped because he ate way too much scenery making this movie. It's outrageous what he's doing in this fucking thing. It's pretty crazy. He's like a, you know, Dracula's assistant kind of thing. He's eating the flies. Renfield.

He's Renfield. He's being crazy. Right? He's under the power of this whoever, Cody Con. But later in the movie, they reveal that he's not actually even under his spell. He's just a mad whatever the fuck. Right, yeah, he's just a power

hungry maniac. Which is fine, you know, but like, there's one part in this movie where Tim Curry pops in to do something, and I was like, oh, yeah. Like, he's barely in this movie. Like, he hits Don't Penelope and Miller in the beginning. He's like, oh, when are you coming to see my basement?

And she's like, no. Are you sure you don't want to have sex with Tim Curry? He does that weird move where he like spins around her in a hallway and like does like a Zach Morris like hand up against the locker so she can't go anywhere. And I'm just like, I don't want this in my shadow movie. Why doesn't the shadow do something about this? Yeah, because there's no like You know what, actually, because Lamont Cranston definitely doesn't have a problem with that move

Because Lamont Cranston fucking copyrighted that move Oh, he used my hand up against the locker move, did he? That's my move. And that one October morning I saved Zach Morris's life. I gave him a ring and I taught him a special move To get with the ladies. And to stop time whenever he looked at the camera and said, time out that was from me you're welcome bayside but i've been trying to kill screech for a number of

years he's always alluded me the man is a master i'm the one that told ac slater he was portarican and sewed the seeds of discontent in that one episode where they dealt with that So this con guy comes to Ian McAllen's office, I think, to see... Oh, no, he hypnotized him via a smoking billboard. Oh, right. Yeah, smoke llamas. I'd climb a mountain for one. Yeah, it's like a fun little gag on camels.

And like... I was having fun. I was laughing my tits off. His face merges with that guy. And he's like, oh, you're one of my slaves now. And Nicole's like, yeah, whatever, man. Can we get on with this shit or what? My point of confusion in trying to figure out what happens where in this movie, when is it that the actor who plays Banya gets murdered?

Did you have that Banya sighting? Oh, I got a Banya. You know who his partner is, don't you? The Cube. The Cube is Banya and the Cube. It's fucking great. But what, I'm trying to sit. I'm sitting here trying to remember that scene.

So basically, Ian McKellen goes under his spell, right? Yes. And then at some point later, he's just saying, like, first you're under my passion. hour. And then later he's like, I got to go in and check on my investment. Yes, he gets kidnapped, like legit kidnapped. Right. So he goes in to get Ian McHellan. And poor Banyan, the coob just get murdered, dropping like fucking flies. That was Banyan. The one on the left. Somebody was watching Must CTV right before this went to, right before they went to central casting. They really loved Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

And the coop is on ER, which was also on Must CTV. Oh, that's right. Was that, yeah, I I guess 94 maybe ER had started. Oh, yeah, for sure. So I guess the logic is this would be must-see movie. That's what they were crossing their fingers for. I mean, because, yeah, this lives in a weird space, which is after Batman, it's pre, obviously, the big superhero boom. Right. But it's this idea wherein you had to have a dark character.

You had to have an anti-hero character. Right. You couldn't have any kind of costumes because it'd be way too garish and silly. but the movie's stupid anyway But we have guys dressed as centuries old Mongol warriors running around Manhattan

Yep And guess what With a cat glued to their face Yeah And he's got a henchman that Look just like that too And no one's really bat in an eye No

Well the 10 extras on the island of Manhattan Don't have a problem with it It's like dark city Dude this movie is seriously understaffed Two Dark City levels of population Great twist which would have saved this movie is if it turned out to be

on like a piece like a piece of dirt and outer space like a little plate. Yeah. Oh yeah man. And then William Hurt gets sucked out into space. Yeah, that'd be great.

I am so overdue for a dark city rewatch. It's not even funny. Are you? Yeah, you are. The answers are within you, John. Look into your mind. Now, I implanted you, John.

You can control everything. You are on a planet with only Peter Lurys. Isn't that something, John? Wow, that's so weird. That's just a planet of all me's? Oh, creepy. So creepy.

What would you like me to do? Would you like me to do? Maybe my character from Casablanca? Oh, Rick. No, Rick. Please, Rick. Don't let them take me, Rick. Oh, you're here forever.

I can do all my character. Oh, no. Do, um, uh, oh, oh, oh, Einstein from Arsenic and Old lace. Oh, no, Carrie Grant. Do something. I don't remember dialogue that I had in that movie, but I remember Carrie Grant was there, and it was

a real open door farce. It sure was. I mean, he, you know, like, one of my favorite, the Mongol, again, not keeping a low profile, he, for some reason,

takes Ian McKell, and it's a very romantic scene, takes it to the top of the Empire's state building, not at like the end of Sleep's in Seattle. And they're like, looking out, he's like, that's where the bomb will be. And Ian McConnell's like, all right, great. Well, he's talking. Who's going to call cut? Hey, wait, do you call cut

yet? He's trying to see, like, what he's like telling, he's telling con like, all right, the blast radius is going to be this, like this far, but the destruction is going to be this. Daredevil comes out. He's like, keep that atomic bomb out of hell's kitchen. But I don't find any of that blast

radius in hell's kitchen god damn it just ignore him he always brings up hell's kitchen for no reason but then it's awesome there's like a group of sailors that walk by and one of them is the dude from madman Jimmy Barrett and he like kind of

he kind of looks at this con fella and he's like nice dress and this dude's like oh yeah how about suicide and he makes this dude jump off of the Empire State Building and this is it's the cruelest thing I've seen in a while

because you see this actor jump off the Empire State Building and then it's like a little you know like animated whatever like and it's like far away like Empire State Building and it fucking hits something like propeller guy in Titanic and the body like spins around

and then it's like the camera pulls back and it's Alec Baldwin and Penelopean Miller and the cut that they use plays as a joke this dude is just committed suicide and they cut to the shadow and he's just Like, so another thing that we can do to take down this monster. I just feel like if you jump off the Empire State Building,

even if you 30 floors down hits up, you're like atomized. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You don't bounce. You splat. No matter what. You disappear. And a big red mist goes over the city.

Yeah. But it's just, it's so fucking cruel. At least we know you didn't hit anyone because no one lives in Manhattan. There was no one on the street. No one noticed anything. Oh, all Peter, all Peter Lawyeries report to the library. Everyone, I don't want anyone to get fallen or hit by someone jumping from a building. That's exactly what Dark City is, is the planet of the Peter Lorys.

I guess they took a bunch of German fellows and, like, the aliens made sure that they only spoke English or something. Yeah, I think that's what it was. That was the idea. They just really loved the films of, you know, Peter Lorry. He was work with Fritz Lang all the way through Hitchcock. I think that's how they taught them, like, to speak in general. Like, you only learned via, like, some type of controlled booth where you watched his films. Hey, Penelopee Ann Miller.

Remember when I played a child killer in M? Oh, that was a laugh riot. Here, hold this balloon. Now let it go because you're the murdered child. You have a very pretty ball. Do you have an shorness ball. You know what? Close enough.

You know what? That's fine. So the shadow. So the shadow. I mean, like, so there's a will they, won't they, or can I leave between Penelopeon Miller and Alec Baldwin? I mean, dude, the lack of chemistry between the two of them in this movie. Well, he's just like. cruel to her the entire time.

And then she doesn't even give a shit about him, though. It's like just slamming two bricks together. So, um, uh, this is what happens, which is ridiculous. Penelopeon Miller, somehow lands in Kahn's thrall. He's like, you are hypnotized by me. And she's like, I am hypnotized by you. He's like, go kill Lamont Cranston with this gun with one bullet in it. And it's like, um, are you sure?

You don't have a revolver It's got like six bullets Why don't you give me that sick crossbow You have in this movie? Or how about, you know, I'm hypnotized, I'll go, why don't you give me a couple of guys? You know what I mean?

How about I borrow the talking knife? Yes, thank you. No, I know. I'm not going to loan her out to you. Don't worry about it. Just sit there and shut up, will you knife? It would be too expensive to pay Frank Welker for that. Yeah, you could only get Frank Welker for two sequences in this movie,

beginning and end So she goes and like shoots a mirror And like he unhypnotizes her or something Yeah And then later like he meets up with con And he's like you know You thought Penelopea Miller was gonna kill me but we're in love now

He's like oh no I thought you were gonna kill her It's like no nice try con What would that have accomplished? Nothing Alec Baldwin hates her Lamont Cranston doesn't care about this woman It's like it's not like oh I sent the love of your life to kill you and you got tricked into

murdering her. Right. He should have just offed it right there. Yeah, because you know what? The other thing is, if you're the shadow and you have this alternate identity and whatnot of the secret identity, if you encounter a mind reading psychic, you got to snuff that out.

I would break their neck instantly. Exactly. The second he gets word in the Colbult club that this lady's reading minds, he should be snapping necks. That's the way it should work. Not trying to fall in love with her. She'll be reading the bottom of a dumpster when I'm done with her.

So she shacks up with him. He has a nightmare about like his old days being a warlord where he's like eating blood or something. Is this the nightmare where he's pulling his face off and it's horrifying? Yeah, that's a weird part. And then we're playing the next morning.

He's just like, oh hey there, Penelopee Miller. Oh no, I had a bad dream about ripping my own face off. Do you sleep well? Well, that's what's Ridiculous. And she, like, has some sexy dreams. Like, I was naked on a beach.

And there was sand and this, that, and the other thing. Dude, it is outrageous. I'm like, why are you sharing this information in such a sultry manner? This dude, like, the thing is... Hey, this dude doesn't like you. Well, because the night before, the night before she tries to sleep with him, and he's like, maybe you should just go to a guest room. I live in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

I, you know, I am a sexy playboy, but I'm not a jazz. musicians. I'm not about to crawl into the bed with some random lady I found at the Colbalt club. It's a little uptown

if you know what I mean. I don't know where you've been. It's, that's a little uptown. I don't know, you know, I don't want to sound weird, but it's a little uptown.

Hey, boss, you're going to be needing me tonight or what? Oh, yeah. I'm just standing in the foyer. No, no, you're not going anywhere, Peter Boyle.

You know, Peter Boyle, it's also a little uptown and I'm going to need you to take me to the shockbox room. It's just new club they opened up. Oh, hey, I heard good things about the shock box room. Alan King. Yeah, that's right, Al.

Thank you, Alan. Yeah, I will be seeing your stand-up there later tonight because you have been doing stand-up uptown Manhattan since the 1930s. The 1930s. The 1930s, I'm just getting my start on the scene, baby. Thanks for telling me not to play that one club. I guess I'm now in your debt for eternity. Oh, great.

Yeah, that's right. And I want you to recruit some fellas that want to give up smoking. It's going to be a real big process. Oh, wow. A shared cinematic universe, you think? That's right. Oh, of the shadow and Katz Eye. With 1989's Cats Eye?

Yeah, you know. Sure. Yeah, the Stephen King film. Yeah. Another thing that's stupid about his agency. Anyone notice that Andre Gregory is in this movie for no reason? I did not. No, where's Andre Gregory in this movie?

He's the dude that's playing in the mail room of the shadows, whatever the fuck. Oh, my God, the tube system? Yes. Are you kidding me? Yeah, that's what Wikipedia said. This is the tube system is the dumbest thing in the world. Phones exist. It's 1930, whatever.

Yeah, but you can just call, take of the fucking phone. No, they're all listening. No, they're not. This is a literal paper trail. It's like, all they have to do is follow the tube, and they find this guy, and he's got your jewelry on, and he's sending you messages. I mean, so basically, whenever the shadow wants something to happen, he puts something in a tube, and basically, like, Andre Gregory is at the center of the earth 24 by 7

and just fucking shocking these things out to get all the agents alive. Remember when you were choking at that restaurant and I gave you the Heimlich maneuver? Yeah, I wish you didn't. Well, now you have to live in the center of the earth, and you read my mail. Wallace Sean couldn't do the Heimlich on you at that dinner you were having with him, Andre.

I helped you out then He kept on saying saving your life would be inconceivable But I managed to pull it off The Shadow Remember when you were going to play Uncle Vanya You would have died on stage Andre

I saved your life That's also though How the Shadow Himself gets information Because there's that one scene Where the cop Like overhears something And he's like

Be right back And he goes into this room And with the world's biggest red ring. I mean, like, my God. Yeah, like, couldn't it be tattoos? A tattoo or, like, a necklace you can put under a shirt, a fucking huge gaudy ruby ring? My God. Speaking of Paul Sorvino.

Not a lot of people wearing them on their pinky, though. That's where Paul Sorvino keeps it. That's very true. But Paul, that's not in regulation. You pull that shit again. And I'm going to kill you. I wish you would. Paul, please kill me, Sorvino.

Absolutely. If you're working for the fucking shadow, man, like, I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, seriously. I don't want this creep calling me. I don't get a fucking tube into my asshole when I'm trying to sleep. Say, I've got to pick somebody up from the airport.

I mean, that's what you want the big sleep? Well, all right. We'll go to the movies together. Would that make you feel better? It's going to be out in 15 years. Well, the thing I was thinking about. the cop was that the cop's like oh information the shadow would want he writes it down on a piece

of paper and he puts it in the tube and it's go I mean this thing is going and I'm just like I get it it's a tube system it's like two minutes of tube footage and it finally just drops into this thing and you see all of these different tubes and it's like oh that's how they relay

info to him also slash I don't give a shit no like call somebody like dial 911 shadow and then there it is do some real spy stuff like put a message under a mailbox and put a mark on the mailbox yeah well like that's how we guys that's how we do it if i'm fucking around on ninth avenue and i see this tube i'm like oh where the fuck does that go and i follow it and follow it yeah i'm finding the shadow only 10 minutes

and then and but then you're stuck working for the shadow oh yeah you know what that's like oh you found my mail room either i murder you or you're one of my agents you pick i have no problem killing people you doesn't no he kills pretty regularly. I mean, so at some point, Tim Curry gets the better of him, which is kind of amazing. Like, Tim Curry is out of this movie

for half of it. And then, like, Alec Baldwin goes to question him about Genghis Khan. And he's like, oh, by the... And he's like full shadow regalia, you know, he's using all his magic powers. Yes. And Tim Curry just kind of shoots him.

He's like, oh, I can see your feet in the water, boom. Well, yeah, Tim Curry says something about like your Jedi mind tricks are not going to work on me kind of a thing. They're in this beryllium sphere that Tim Curry is built. And, like, every other person in this movie is talking about this beryllium sphere over and over again. And I'm like, okay, this is going to play a major role in whatever this is. Wherever this movie's going, the beryllium sphere will be there.

No, no, not really. It's like a mid-act set piece, really. They fill it with water and he's going to drown. He locks Alec Baldwin inside it. And it's also, it's located right in the heart of Long Island City, by the way. which I thought was interesting, right under the Queensboro Bridge, our old stomping grounds.

It's a good place to drown someone. And this is where, can we bring in your IMDB trivia at this point? Yeah. Because it's fairly useless. I can pull it up. But the Borreliaum's fear comes in play here. So he's like,

now you're all stuck in here, shadow, and starts filling this thing with water. And he's like, and he uses his shadow mind powers to get, get this lady friend down there to try to say. Right. He remembers

that she's psychic and it's like, Penelopee Ann Miller, I need you kind of a thing. And she like races. Get down here. God damn it. No, no. Don't call a cab. Make Peter Boyle drive you. Yeah. Hold on. I know I'm connected to you via mind, but

I've got another call. No, just hold there for a second. Peter Boyle. Bring that cab around. Yeah. Yeah. No, I got someone on the other. line. Hold on a second. No, I don't need to go to the intersaintim. I have to go to the Beryllium's Fear.

Yeah, he should be there in five to ten minutes. Well, so when she gets there, there's like a door with a little porthole, and he gets his face right up to it, and then clearly mouths open the door. Yes. But so the I'm d'b trivia writing. I like how she has to be told this.

Yeah, exactly. I don't know. What should I do with a drowning man with a door? I don't know. Oh, I don't know. It's a woman. I better tell her what to do. Someone writes on IMDB trivia. When Cranston appears in the window of the water tank, his lips read, open the door. Well, no

shiny shit, IMDB trivia writer. Thanks for the tip. What a revelation. That's a gym. You just try to pad out the bullets. Like, oh, we've only got four bullets of trivia. Find me five. God damn it. I want five bullets of trivia on the shadow on my desk. By tomorrow

morning. You're not going home until I get those trivia bits, so you better order some Chinese food and fucking figure it out. Yeah. Or if not, Maybe The Shadow doesn't even go on IMDB at all. Then what will you do? People won't be looking up tech specs for The Shadow. I like the idea of an IMDV Tribune writer under a tight deadline. You know what?

The whole page doesn't go up. Looks like Frank Welker just lost one of 700 credits. You know what, Gary? I went to the Shadows trivia page the other day, and I looked up the one about him mouthing, open the door. You know how many people found that useful or interesting? fucking zero what a trivia nugget zero people

you know what's also zero your next paycheck here's your walking papers from i m d fucking b hit the bricks that is a cutthroat place to work it is tough take that shit to ate at cool news a joe blow or something you'll never work in hollywood websites again you're through in this town

oh maybe you can do write-ups for box office mojo but who gives you shit It's IMDB at the highway. And by the way, box office mojo knows it. Getting my sloppy seconds. Clear a path for Gary, the guy that removed the shadow from the IMDB forever. You know what? Now that movie never existed because it's not on IMDB.

We're that fucking huge. Man, imagine if that was a reality. If you don't make IMDB, your movie vanishes into thin air. Everywhere. Every last VHS copy. I would like to do that for the shadow, to be quite honest. So also, it turns out, on top of hypnotizing like Penelope Ann Miller at one point, and I guess maybe, maybe not hypnotizing Tim Curry or whatever,

he's also hypnotized the entire city of New York, we find out? It's kind of Ghostbusters-esque for some reason. A little bit, because it's a gothic skyscraper. It's basically, like, Alec Baldwin is chasing, it's amazing because Alic Baldwin is chasing Khan. Khan throughout the city and like he turns a corner and there's an empty lot and he's like oh that's weird

somebody better look into that building for 40 minutes of the rest of this movie but it turns out to your point he's hypnotized the entire city with a psychic projection it's a building that was made and then no one can see it because whatever he's it's that like

the whole thing about like the clouded mind sees whatever right so how does this work like now if an airplane coming in like lands Does Khan be like, oh, shit? All right, hold on a second. Got 120 people on that plane in order to hypnotize. And all right, that building's gone.

Well, I mean, that's what's amazing, though, right? It's like the concentration level that he has to keep up to keep this sky screen. Constantly, constantly. This is including when he's taking a shit. You know, it was... Anyone remember that old, old Donald Duck cartoon, the war cartoon where he had clear paint and could make things disappear with that? Yes.

That's kind of more plausible. Right? Like a big bucket of paint that makes things invisible. Well, because Donald Duck just has to paint it one time and it's invisible. He doesn't have to keep constantly thinking about it while also harassing Ian McAllen and doing this and that and the other thing with Tim Curry and Killin Banja and the coob. What happens if you sneeze in that scenario? Flickers. Yeah, it does. It would have to the building like, oh, wow. Did I just see an enormous building over there? Well, that's what's kind of the horseshit thing is like when we get to this like final sequence or whatever and he's fighting him.

and Alec Baldwin's like kind of kicking the shit out of him. Sure. It's like you see the outside and his concentration is finally wavering. Dude, my concentration would break if I fucking farted in that, you know, like a flicker of this hotel, you know? It's ridiculous. You think a really good piss sometimes? Like, oh, that whole building just lights up. So, also, by the way, it's a vacant lot in the middle of like 42nd Street.

Good luck to having bums not try and sleep there. I think they said it was like second and house. Okay. Oh, yeah. So it's downtown. That is extra bucks. And you know, here's the thing. I appreciate Alec Baldwin, a New Yorker.

Uh-huh. Bothering to pronounce Houston Street correctly. Yeah. Good for him. You get some other actor in there. They're saying Houston Street, and I'm just pulled out of the reality of the shadow. Oh, really?

That was the one thing. I just like the imagining like a bum trying to sleep. There's like an invisible force field. I can't get in. There's a force field over here. Oh, God, these crazies I guess like I'm a fucking voice field

I'll go jerk off somewhere else Wait, hold on a second That voice Let me record that You could play a knife You know what You could be a million dollar voice actor

If I could be a fucking knife In this life I'd be happy Oh No, but the bummed Frank Welker Took it from us all man They found him on a street corner So we're fighting in this hotel

The last act of the movie He realizes at this hotel It was a blah blah blah They go there He's shadowing all over the place He shadows Tim Curry Into an early grave That's kind of fun

No he doesn't That's horse shit Huh That's what's horses shit about it Is he's like He's doing the whole like I'm throwing my voice All over the place

You can't see me Here Yeah exactly He pulls a Batman here And Tim Curry takes out This fucking Tommy gun Like he's goddamn Albert Finney

And he's just like I sing this ballroom and the shadow's just laughing and then like he comes up behind him and he's like gotcha and Tim Curry literally just scampers out of the frame no he jumps over a window through a window and lands like oh he jumps out a window like the shadow uses his evil nefarious

powers to drive Tim Curry to commit suicide much like Khan does with that poor sailor do you know what I think happened here because what's happening is he's this is Tim Curry the hamometer has exploded and he's screaming in this scene. And you see, like, his eyes, like bloodshot from screaming. It's hogs wild.

I seriously think at this point, I was like, you know what? I'm getting some seltzer. I think I just, I could not look at this performance. And I just went to the kitchen and got some water. You know what that makes you? Just like every major director in America. They're like, yeah, Tim Curry. I mean, I like Tim Curry.

He's done some great things. I don't know about anyone else in this room I am a fan of the Rocky Horror movie I love that movie Yeah it's good and I like Clue Clue obviously I think he's pretty fun And Home Alone too He's the best part of that not very good

It Oh sure He's fucking terrifying in that He's the best part of Congo maybe He's the best part of legend Like he's the best part of some bad stuff Yeah he's not the best part of this bad stuff though And I just kind of had enough

Sure So okay he jumps out a window You actually see, like, it's a window, I guess, into, like, a ballroom or something, and he lands, like, onto, like, a glass table. Yeah, yeah, he's dead. He's dead. Do you think he's dead? Because I was wondering if he was DED dead or not. I would like blood shooting out of his ears.

I do. I agree with you. But the thing is, what are you talking? Sequel set up? No, well, the only way that that works is if him not being dead is you have to see him hauled off alive and, like, either a stray jacket or handcuffs. Other than that, he's got to be dead. Like, if I don't see anything else, he's dead. Yeah, he's dead.

So then he goes after Khan. He's fighting Khan, and then the knife gets into it. Frank Welker, this knife has hands. It's like, this knife grosses me out. It's got legs. It turns into like a little golden lizard. It's weird. It's like a devil lizard.

And it's just, you know, rackin all over the place. He's welkering all over this movie. And the funny thing is like in the beginning of the movie, the shadow can't get the best of it, right? Like, the monk has to come and take it away from. him. Yeah. And in the middle of the movie, the knife gets him again. And then in this part, like, he doesn't learn anything.

No. But all of a sudden, he learns how to clear his mind to wield this knife. Yeah, I guess. And he's able to use it as a weapon against Khan. He stabs Khan with it. Like, he throws it back at Khan. Yeah, he stops looking like Serge Gainsberg at this point as well. Like, but it's like, again, like, so he gets punched in the face and he loses his concentration.

Right, right. Also, why bother B, I'm sorry, but why bother if your whole point is like, oh, if the cops see me, blah, blah, blah, at least on this mask. If you're seeing Kahn, who knows who the fuck you are, why bother with it? Yeah, and you're also, we establish you're using your mind-er-race Jedi mind-tricks on the cops anyway. Exactly. So who gives a shit. Yes. It's a little ill-conceived.

Unless the shadow parts are played, actually played by William Baldwin. A young Adrian Brody. Maybe. Oh, that good. Here's my question about that knife, by the way. Is it like a Beauty and the Beast thing where like that was a person at one point and now it's cursed? Somebody said the wrong thing at dinner, man. I don't know.

It looks like the little teacup or the candelabra or all the fucking clock. Hold the phone. Are those things, people that were cursed into being objects? Yes. That's the whole point of that movie. That movie's totally fucked up. Here's the thing. You know what?

The beast is a dick, right? Like some old witch comes over. It's like, oh, help me. And he's like, I'm a dick prince. Blah, blah, blah. I'm going to piss on your head. And just like, you know what? Now I'm going to curse you into being a big, scary but powerful monster.

That's kind of like a werewolf dog type thing. But I'm also going to curse your entire indentured staff into being clocks and cups and fucking Gandalfra. What the hell do they do? I agree. If anything, they should be like the beast master. and you know what honestly at least the beast still has genitalia and like

you know a mouth that clock ain't fucking no I'll tell you that clock's worth not fucking poor is it Maurice the candelabra whatever that dude's name is and that dude is a guy you know love to fuck

exactly and there's somebody turns into a fucking ottoman that can't even speak and it's like my god the horrors put on the fucking working class Disney movie. Well, I think in the Disney movie,

the Ottoman was the dog. And that Ottoman can't sniff its own genitalia. Exactly. You can't shit or do anything that it loves. It's outrageous. And the other question about all of that, you have the ones that are like moving around, they're animated

objects. This is that the other thing. Angel Lansbury's a big fat fucking teapot. You got little chip the cup and whatnot. What happened to the silverware and other items that the beast was using? Is that shit all in store? Or are there inanimate objects? And it's like, you don't know who's who?

And it's like a clock. A clock goes up to talk to a rug, but it's just a rug, and it's not his co-worker. How does that work? I was like, David, David, are you in here? He's talking to a bedpost, and it's just the bed? It's not the groundskeeper. Turns out the toilet seat is one of them. Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, if you were the one that got turned into the beast's toilet. New name, Schittsworth. but it's so unfair man it's cooler than being a beast the beast gets to wear a cape you know what I mean I mean he kind of looks handsome in that little suit yeah he's got pants and he's wearing a jacket

he's got horns if he wants to fuck a deer he could fuck a deer like whatever and doesn't he fuck a lady in there well eventually they get there he's come on he's fucking that was a generation of furry I'll tell you that much I think he can honestly say that with a ton of those talking animal

Disney movies oh mercy so this knife he like figures it out he like becomes a knife whisper and it stabs what's his face in the gut this is where Khan should die yeah I don't know why the con needs like seven deaths he gets this knife in the gut and then he literally runs out into the back room or something and the shadows like

hall of mirrors yeah and he's fun house hey you want to you're gonna rip off the end of Enter the Dragon follow me I was gonna say all of a sudden we're in the end of lady from Shanghai. Same diff. Speaking of Orson Wells, and all these fucking mirrors.

And I'm like, what is this illusion? What is happening? What room is this in this hotel that the shadow has nothing to do with? So how is it that they run into this room, but the shadow has the upper hand in Kahn's hideout? It's just really stupid. And you could end that movie. This movie doesn't need to be an hour and 48 minutes.

But this is the part when, like, because Alec Baldwin was bleeding from the head, he's not the stupid, been masked. Gonzo looking fucking shadow. And he's just right. Alec Baldwin looking pretty badass with two guns in a black coat. It looks really cool. It's what I want out of this entire movie and I don't know why I don't get it. I agree with you.

I could use more time with those icy blue eyes. While this is happening also, Ian McKellen is freed from his hypnosis and he diffuses that bomb in a comical. Oh, I was going to say a scene that was intended to be comical. Yeah. It's just got me sighing. They're like hanging over an elevator shaft on like. I'm like a thing that's about to fall.

And for some reason, Penelope Miller's walking on it too. What are you doing? You have no reason to be there. Yeah, all they have said to cut a cord. Stop helping. Right, but he's going to, he's like, oh, I got to cut the green one. Oh, because he's colorblind. Yeah.

Thank God we established that he wore a red shirt earlier in the film and said, what do you guys think of my green shirt? That's, you know, that's David kept screenwriting right there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we forgot. They could kept it. Bravo No you know what Steve

I'll allow it Objection This is what Ian McKellen's reduced to No yeah It's sad When they're running after this bomb By the way The hotel shakes at one point

For some reason And Ian McKellen doesn't fall down the stairs He falls off the stairs It's like Ian McKellen's stunt double Falling over a railing But there's only like four steps left to go Not a lot of consequence there Mongolians. They wanted me to build a bomb.

Made them fake bomb use how to use Brimba machine parts. Quick question. Speaking of superhero movies, not really. But Magneto. When was the last, who ruined it for everybody about having to be in impossible shape in a superhero movie? Because that's relatively a new thing. I want to say maybe Toby McGuire. Well, Hugh Jackman, that first X-Men was before.

Hugh Jackman, but Hugh Jackman's that first X-Men movie is in like regular good shape. Wesley Snipes is kind of jacked his blade. But that's Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes gets out of bed like that. Yeah, that's true.

But Hugh Jackman, like, I feel like once he got that role, he kept going at it. He did. So then like an X-2, it's like, even meaty.

Like he's going and going. Dude, Steve and I re-watched X-Men Days of Future's past with that rogue cut and Jackman is juicing it. I mean, he looks like an impossible monster. Has anyone seen?

Australia. But Lars Lerman's Australia. Holy Toledo. He looks like the Hulk. Oh, really? It's impossible biceps. Why did he need to be jacked for Australia? I don't think he was just jacked for Australia. I think he's like, oh, Nicole Kidman,

the national treasure of Australia. I don't want to let her down. Exactly. So he went full force. I see. I think he might be the criminal. I think he is because, I don't know, like, look at Keaton. Keaton. Even Christopher Reve and Superman, like,

He's a big guy. Like, he's beef. He's in very good shape. Right. But you're not seeing the curve of his muscle. Yeah. This is like... It's either...

And Baldwin's just... I mean, the point I'm making is Baldwin's just like literally got out of bed is like, yeah, I'm the shadow. No, totally. I mean, you're Lamont Cranston, man. I mean, you're eating steaks every night. Come on. Baldwin's playing it real. I don't know if I mentioned it, but there's actually a scene in this movie where he's double-fisting martinis.

Yeah, you're totally right. It was awesome. God bless him. Because the waiter comes up to the... table and he's eating dinner with Jonathan Winters again. Yeah. And the dude puts down one martini and I was like Is he going to put down that second martini for

Alec Ball? Yep. Oh, yep. Two martini simultaneously at this steak dinner. My God, the heart disease. The shadow's not around for that much longer. And I mean like it's permutated even like to Star Lord. Like why does Chris Pratt have to get in that shape for that character? Star Lord shouldn't be Jack like that.

That's, you know, from like the kind of dude that Star-Lord it is. Yeah. He should just be eating Doritos and looking like a schlubby normal guy. Like I mean, yeah, like you want to lose some weight because whatever, like on Parks and Recke was like a little bit chubby, like you know, you want to get into a better shape? Sure. Like that like crazy

like jack shape? It's insane. You're not playing Wolverine, Chris Pat? Pratt, you're playing fucking Star-Lor. Yeah, there's no need for any of it. We only need one David Bautista in a movie. Thank you very much. What was like the big first Marvel? I know besides X-Men, but when did Marvel like

launched their? I Iron Man. Well, Iron Man or Iron Man 2, I think. Iron Man 2 is actually the first Marvel movie. Oh, really? The first Marvel Studios movie. But doesn't, in the, at the, isn't there a stinger at the end of that first Iron Man though? Yes. With Sam Jackson?

Yeah, but that's what you're asking, the start of the cinematic universe. So I think it was the first Iron Man, yeah. Then you say Iron Man 2 is the real official first Marvel Marvel Studios movie, and that's got a hideous jacked monster in Mickey Rourke. Oh, that's right. But Downey Jr., if you'll know, never gave a shit. Never got into that crazy, like, let me take my shirt off and sweat for you for a while. You can tell he's kind of in shape, obviously. Sure, again, like regular

like Michael Keaton in Batman shape. I think, I think it's Hugh Jackman. I think he, I think this is what he did. It ruined it for the rest of us. Now I can't play, I don't know what. Sabre Tooth. Yeah, Sabreto. Oh, man, we got to do a fan film of Beav's Wolverine and you is Sabreto. Oh, yikes. Yeah, dude. Hey, fans. Kickstart. Oh, man. We need $2 million. Yeah, that's it. That should cover this fan film. If we do $2 million, if we get $2 million,

me and Eric will square off as Wolverine and say we'll do that Andrew will direct it. That sounds like. So we'll spend $500,000 on everything for the movie. And each of us get half a mill, right? That sounds good. Sounds fine. So back to the shadow. Khan is defeated.

He's thrown in the booby hatch. Yeah. In an interesting turn of events. He gets a piece of mirror in his head. Yeah, Adam also has telekinesis as opposed Or, yeah, he's a Jedi. Yeah, yeah, he throws a piece of a mirror into his forehead with his mind. And you're like, oh my God, Cun is definitely dead.

Yeah, and then cut to the booby hatch and he's in a straight jacket and this doctor walks in. He tries to Jedi mind trick him, doesn't work. The guy's like, it's kind of funny, the guy's laughing at him. He's like, yeah, your silly mind powers don't work anymore because you've kind of just had this lobotomy. Yeah, it's a, it's, they took part. part of his frontal lobe out. And then, like, you know, the actor kind of turns and you see the other side of his head. And it's like, his hair is sort of shaved and there's a big old scar.

And he's like, what did you do to me? This is in the Wikipedia plot summary. They say that this scientist at the end is an agent of the shadow. But I didn't see no fat, dumb ring. No, he definitely has a ring. Oh, he does he? Okay. Also, that guy is the cheese man from that episode of Buffy, the dream episode there.

The cheese man. The guy who puts the cheese on his head. He's like, I am the cheese. the cheese and is a name and all that stuff. Oh, what's that guy? Yeah. Oh, all right. More TV actors in the shadow.

So then they set up a sequel by chief takes the water cooler out and throws it through the window. And him and Genghis Kong or whatever. Oh, my God. Run out. I wish. I would love that. There's kind of a gag where he's like, I'm Genghis Khan. And somebody's like, I'm Napoleon.

And he's blah, blah, blah. He says he's Genghis Kong. Another thing adding to my confusion. But now, here's a big question. It's actually a question my wife had. Now, is Napoleon, the guy who... My apologies to your wife

for having to watch this movie. Okay, so Napoleon is in this cell as well. And there's all these other people saying they're these famous world leaders. Was I getting Seltzer again? I don't know. Because at the end of the movie,

he's like, I'm Kangish Kong. It's like, sure you are, you're fucking not. And then all these other people are like, and I am Napoleon and I'm Caesar or whatever. Oh, they're like, Bustin is. balls or like mimicking him or whatever. Or they're just, I think the idea is. It's like a crazy cliche. Put them in the wing of cells where everyone thinks they're people from history.

Put them in the Mel Brooks wing. History of the World Part 1 wing. So, you know, it's a common thing for, it's a trope of someone thinks they're Napoleon. They're crazy. Yeah, absolutely. But maybe these were all other shadow villains. Oh, his road scouts. Yeah, like Napoleon came back from time, too, and there was a cool shadow confrontation.

That might be. I think it might be. I'll tell you what, way cooler idea that they should have done for this movie, because I plugged that podcast earlier that has all the old radio shows. There was the only episode I listened to to kind of just like see what the shadow radio play was like. And honestly, it's way cool and way better than this movie. Of course it is. There's an episode where the shadow goes on vacation with a lady friend. and gets wrapped up in a werewolf mystery.

Oh, that's pretty awesome. Yep, way better. Is that Orson Wells you got there or no? It's, no, this one, there is, you can find the thing with Orson Wells. I think that's on YouTube. Okay. But this, at least this one that I listened to was not Orson. Okay.

I don't think so. But it was awesome. I was like, he's, it's got to be some sort of hound of the Baskervilles, blah, blah, blah. No, I'm pretty sure it was a werewolf. That's pretty dope. It was pretty badass. So, yeah, whatever, we're kind of like going back. And so then we end with.

This weird thing where she's like, it's him and Penelope Ann Miller, like, leaving dinner. And she's like, go get him Shadow. And he's like, I'll meet you later. And she's like, well, how will you know where I am? And he goes, I'll know. Yep. Maybe. Peter Boyle is my dinner ready yet?

Boss, are you fucking kidding me? We just took down Genghis Khan. How about we called us a watch? Well, I just got in the mood for some Peking duck. so bring the car around and shut your yapper boss next week it's my 50th wedding anniversary yep and we might have an adventure on our hands I think I'm drifting into Clint Eastwood

that restaurant it's my favorite steak restaurant is he at least given this dude gas money like you know I feel like he's Lamont Cranston he's a billionaire the thing we didn't mention, I guess there is a deleted scene or they never even filmed it, but explaining

that a lot of things. Well, the Cranston fortune, like the Cranston's. Oh, after Breaking Bad, right. He made a ton of money. They made their money because I guess they were dealing in the opium trade. Oh, he just brought that money back? I think that's a thing that they wanted to set up in the

movie and they cut it out was that like Lamont Cranston is rich due to selling opium to people. I also don't think that Lamont Cranston is that good of a guy. Right? No. He's a shit. I don't understand, like, he kills people, he sells terrible drugs, he's having crazy. Like, he's a dick, and then he's like, no, I'm not so much of a dick. No, the thing, what he is, is he's an unhinged maniac who's taking out other crime leaders so that he can narrow, like, corner the market, you know?

He's the Joker. We don't know if he's not selling opium. I'm not entirely sure he's not still selling opium. He definitely is. shut up and tie it under your car I'm not I don't want the fuss check in the trunk again let's we don't do this often

yeah let's just listen to a little bit of the the shadow the movie has no popular music in it whatsoever well because it's from 1931 but it's like Danny Elfman ask stuff to its credit we're ripping off Danny Elfman especially his Batman's core sure but like thank God it's not like

I don't know big band Yeah, that's right. Brian Setsh's orchestra is not doing the music. Hey, Daddy-O, they want me to score a movie, Bidli Bopski. Yeah, them and Big Bad Voodoo Daddies and Squirrel Nutsifers get in there. Oh, yeah, dude, you and me and the bottle make three tonight. Let's score the shadow. But no, it's just like bad. Like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Right, the shadow stuff. And that's the whole movie.

And then this song plays. I've been looking for an original sin, one with a twist and a bit of a spin, and since I've done all the old ones till they've all been done in, Now I'm just looking And I'm gone with the wind Endlessly searching For an original Sam

Just what even is this? Just what even is this? song goes on for like six minutes. The credits are about six minutes. It's the entire credits. Yes, it does. It's outrageous. The overproduction of this song. And then at the end, what is it? Nick Fury comes out?

And it's just, it's the longest song. I was like, this is not going to go through the whole credits, right? And I'm like, all right, we're getting kind of down to the wire and there's no end in sight to this song. It's 1994. Like, why isn't this like grunge or like MC Hammer or something?

Or just keep it with the kids Keep it with the score Yeah also that would make more sense Because like what are you going out to coconuts And buying the fucking shadow soundtrack? Music inspired by and featured in And then you just got inspired by Man that's the biggest rip

Shit you didn't hear in the movie Yep Would anybody recommend this movie? No, it's almost fun I think It's near it I mean it's no surprise It's a colossal box office

failure. It's this weird like rocketeer light Dick Tracy dark horse shit movie that I'll never watch again. But it's only an hour and forty some odd minutes and it's okay-ish. Yeah, I think it's

maybe if you're really hungover, like really hungover. I think it could be enjoyable but you know. This is like a New Year's Day kind of a movie. Oh yeah. Exactly. Too hungover for orange juice kind of a What a way to welcome a new year.

Just like, you know, you go out to the bodega because you kind of need some Diet Coke and you wind up throwing up in a garbage can. Yeah, so I guess I'd call it a super soft recommend, but mostly a nah. Well, my problem with it being a hangover movie is that it's so goddamn convoluted every time you're passing out on the couch

and waking back up, you're like, wait, what's happening? Yeah, exactly. I watched this sober and I couldn't figure it out. So you might as well be hungover. It's true. The Shadow, you might as well be hungover. That is The Shadow from 1994, directed by Russell Malaki, a malarkey, whatever you want to say. It's a bunch of malarkey in this movie, I'll tell you that much, mother. Big thanks to Lisa from D.C. for calling in and requesting this one.

Now, next week, continuing the listener request month, what is it that we have? A letter from death row. Oh, that's next week. I believe so. This is, it was described to us as, a Brett Michael's passion project is that what it is?

No one's seen this movie I actually was at a birthday party with some people that worked on the movie that liked the show and they got ahead of me

and they're like dude did you see that letter from death row and I was like no and they're like you're not gonna like it oh oh great

well I thought you were gonna say they were like good luck pretty close so I guess next week we're not gonna like it well next week

we're not going to like it, but we hope you do. Until then, with a letter from death row, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zedek. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.