We Hate Movies - S6 Ep240: Episode 240 - A Letter from Death Row

Episode Date: March 8, 2016

On this episode, the gang goes to the Big House to rip into the head-scratching-ly bad, Bret Michaels passion project, A Letter from Death Row! Who on this earth thought this deserved to be made? What's with all those stupid chapters? And do these filmmakers really not know what a book looks like? PLUS: Let's hang out with Bruce Glover in the Dad Room! A Letter from Death Row stars Bret Michaels, Martin Sheen, Charlie Sheen, Kristi Gibson, Phil Valentine, and Swan Burrus; directed by Bret Michaels & Marvin Baker.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now, to talk about a movie that is much worse than Predator 2 by Leaps and Bounds. And features a Predator. A couple of Predators in this movie. Let's talk about a letter from Death Row. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zeda. Eric Sisker. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always, this week. A letter from Death Row from 1998, directed by Marvin Baker, and yes, co-directed by Brett Michaels. Figure this shit out. This is one of those things where it's like. Wait. Wait, what exists? This exists? Yeah. Well, yeah, he wrote it. He stars in it. He produced it. The soundtrack, of course. The beautiful music. He does the stunts. He's the only stunt person listed in the film. Really? It's a real passion project. He's listed as the stuntman? It's just a stunt, Brett Michaels. Wow. You know what? This guy means business?

He does. This was requested by Emily from Brooklyn. Let's hear her call. Hey, guys. This is Emily calling from Brooklyn. I wanted to put in my paper. for Listener Request Month with 1998 A Letter from Death Row a movie that was written by and stars Brett Michaels Yes, that Brett Michaels

He also did the soundtrack Charlie Sheans in this movie It's basically exactly the level of quality that you would expect from a Brett Michael's vanity project You can find the whole thing on YouTube I really hope it gets picked because I would love to hear you guys have to think about it

Thanks so much love the podcast Bye So this movie is about Brett Michaels is a gentleman who is on death row Possibly Falsely accused of murdering A stripper who was also his girlfriend And who was also a prostitute

That's right I think that's about You know as much as you want to boil this movie down So do we want to do usually Are we doing twists as they occur in the film Or are we doing twists up top? I don't know you know Because this movie

makes no sense. This is actually, I would say, honestly, this might be the worst movie we've ever done. I say that a few times on the show. It's a clearly occurrence. The filmmaking in Nookie, a very old episode, if you're a new listener, you might not know it, but you should go check it out.

It was a South African E.T. Rip-off is what Nookie is. Better movie? Better movie leaps and bounds. It's insane that that's a better movie. You never thought you'd see the day. This is like one of those from the depths of Hulu, which I've watched a couple of those movies. Dude, there are some dark corners of the Hulu movie selection.

I'm going to block Hulu now, too. It's just really dark times on Hulu. There's also some dark times on Netflix as well. Oh, I mean, Netflix is like a vast wasteland of who gives a shit at this point. I mean, they only care about their TV shows that they come out with. Not to get off on a rant here about Netflix, which I won't do. but like here's and here's the this is the worst combination of things

for this movie. It's a movie that's totaled garbage. It's incompetently made everything about it is incompetent yet they had the audacity to produce a behind the scenes DVD extra documentary and it's all about how great they are it was like what was it like high tension

low budget. Yeah high tension low budget. That's just what life with Brett Michaels is it's that thing that people in the DVD world there's a pretty good documentary on, I think it's actually on Netflix you can watch it separately now

but it was on my Dust Till Dawn DVD Low Tilt Boogie Oh What is that? Full Tilt Boogie It's just a documentary about the making of Dust Till Dawn There was probably

There was like some union strikes Because it was such an indie movie But like blah blah blah You get some like shitty Lawrence Bender Be like ah fuck those guys But also a lot of QT Obviously and a lot of Robert Rodriguez Right

I thought you were to say the bridge because I wanted to throw myself off of one after seeing this one. What, from Dust Till Dawn? No, no, no, no. A letter from Death Row. Oh, right, right, right, right. I actually like From Dust Till Dawn.

That's a great way. I don't know if I like it enough to watch a supplemental documentary. I have to really love a fucking movie to watch supplemental material. I don't think I've watched supplemental material in the last 15 years. I mean, like that's the thing is I really haven't either.

Like, when you used to get those DVD and watch them end-to-end, you know what I mean? It's got, it's got common. It's got three different commentaries. Oh, dude, I discovered every nook and dirty cranny of my fight club DVDs. You know what I mean? Same with seven.

I mean, because we're talking like 1999. Sure. And I'm going, I mean, nowadays, I have a ton of criterians. And sometimes I go through those, sometimes. But it's usually like,

Criterion does a cool thing where it's like, oh, this other director unknown silent short and they like put other films on it i'll watch i'll watch those yeah like the blowout DVD has brian de palma's first ever movie on it which is pretty cool but like i don't need to sit around seeing footage from the set yeah yammering on about how something was made especially when it's fucking a letter from death row i mean like this is but that's got it's the weird thing is the supplemental material the supplemental material the supplemental material has to be better than the product.

It's like a first timer. Well, the gravitas that this movie carries itself with. It thinks it's an Oscar contender or like it's like the hippest indie movie you've ever seen. And by the way, this is 1998. There were some pretty fucking hip indie movies out around then. Yeah, our minds have been blown by cinema already. I mean, we've had Pulp Fiction by this point. This thing looks like it was made like in the late 80s.

maybe on a camcorder it's like you got a 13 year old kid a camcorder right after he watched natural born killers and it's like oh man I'm gonna bring my friends together I'm gonna make a movie about being in the death row and oh it's gonna be awesome

you're filling it with a bunch of bullshit 1990s like rock music video filters and angles and effects it's just horseshit and you've got your classic twisty night late 90s twisty turnies screen.

Right. What is reality, everybody? What is it? You ask, you answer it. I will answer this question. Uh-huh. Now, the first big twist. Uh-huh.

Okay, so it's like this. Oh, my God, there's... Okay, so first off, there's this sexy lady, all right? And she's my girlfriend. Oh, yeah. But no, no. It looks like someone's invading her house in a werewolf mask, and he's going to rape her. It's a good movie, guys.

And then the twist is, it's like, oh, no, it was actually her loving and caring boyfriend who just has rape fantasies he carries out. But it's, first of all... That he films. No, yes, but first of all, it goes way beyond that. Because so she's working at this strip club, and he's at the strip club being a creep. And she gets him kicked out. It's this whole role playing thing. There's a lot of POV in this movie.

There's POV out the ass. in this movie. Is this larping? Is this like advanced larping? Kind of. I also don't think you're allowed in a strip club with a werewolf mask on. I'm like 91% sure. I don't think the werewolf mask comes in until the home invasion. But then

what happens is though, so like he comes in. Oh my God, it's a werewolf. Hey, hey, his money's as good as anybody else's. They do establish it is Halloween night. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And anybody can dress up anywhere on Halloween. That's true.

You go to the bank with a ski mask on. It's Halloween. Anything could happen on Halloween. A dog could turn into a cat. We should have saved this for the spooktacular. But so, so that all happens. Like, she gets him kicked out, knowing that it's him and knowing that this is a sexual, like, role-playing game.

She's like, that guy's creeping me out, man. And, like, he gets, like, roughly thrown out of the club. Yeah. But then, so we're back home. The home invasion's happening. The werewolf mask is on. He smothered. her with the pillow, like pretends

to murder her. Oh, it's so hot. And then, and then gets down on the fucking so not only is this like weird dude looking at me thing, weird dude home invasion necrophilia fantasy. Aren't you just hard

as a rock and titillated to shit? Also, I think it's pretty extreme. It is so extreme that there's even A snuff angle that it's like, and I'm filming it. Yeah, oh yeah, totally.

Hey, Brett, I got a really great idea, bro. Not only do you kill her. You kill her before you fuck her. Actually, it's more like, yeah, man. So we're going to have this movie about, he's on death row, right? Okay, so he's on death row. And then he's on death row by accident because he had rape sex with his girlfriend, But actually, you thought that it was a great idea.

Wait, wait, wait, two words, two words, Werewolf Mask, Warwolf Mask, War Wolf Mask, War Wolf Mask. I mean, think about it, Brett. I mean, you're always fucking chicks, but are you fucking dead chicks yet? No. It's a movie. Oh, man. So she's not dead.

No, no. It was all part of the live action role play. Right. The Sex LARP. She's kind of got a beautiful house. Like, it's a nice ranch-style home. Oh, she's doing quite well. Yeah.

And it's the only sex. workers' house that I've ever seen that has a three foot crucifix in it for some reason? And anyone else catch that one? It's just right there. Well, it's Tennessee. I was going to say, well, it's Halloween and they're just decorating. You know, you hang

the dead wherever you please. Of course. That's my favorite. Oh, yeah, Day of the Dead, man. You've got to get Jesus in there. Oh, shit, man. Jesus is it a werewolf. What if Jesus was a werewolf? Oh, shit. Let's make that movie next. Let's stop making this movie and make a Jesus' werewolf movie. That's a great idea. Actually, that is a great idea. That is an idea for the age.

Now I can see why the Romans would nail them down. Oh, man, the tomb rolls back and a werewolf pops now? Oh, yep. It's the only thing that would make logical sense about that scenario in the Bible. It's like we thought our Lord was in there, but a wolf came out and ran away. Let's just say he got up and left and then he went to heaven, right? If Judas Ascariat, as we know from Dracula 2000, spawned Dracula. Judas Ascariate, by the way.

Ooh, spooky. Then clearly Jesus would almost have to be a werewolf. The vampire and the lichenthrope are mortal enemies in the monster world, of course. By boogeyman law. So she's spouting off all this stuff about like my husband's coming home, you know, this, that, and the other thing. Which I guess is part of the fan. This is where it gets confusing, which is, yeah, this is where it gets confusing. It didn't get confusing right at the start when you saw a side.

that said Michael's Entertainment Group wasn't fucking confusing then with a credit special appearance by Charlie Sheen it didn't get confusing then Martin Sheed second build in this movie What did he have against Like what did the she

What was his relationship with the Sheen family I think that might be it At least with Charlie and then hey dad You gotta do this movie it's gonna be amazing We're gonna be in Brett's house Come on dad come to Brett's house Well, I haven't yet been offered the script for the West Wing, so I better. I mean, also, side note on Martin Sheen in this movie,

are we sure it's not Joe Estevez? Like, are we on it? Oh, man. I kind of need a thumbprint to make sure it's not Joe Estevez. It kind of sounds like Martin Sheen, but that die job on the beard screams Joe Estevez. Are they passing off an Estevez as a Sheen here? That's entirely possible.

It might be what's happening. giving me an Estabez and a Sheen rapper? Do you think Joe Estabez ever tried to show up on the West Wing? Like get there before Martin Sheen. Like Martin Sheen is due on set at 9 a.m. And he gets there at 8.30. Like, yeah, I'm here

early. It's me. Marty Sheet. Martin Sheen. My younger brother. I mean, what? Martin, you never get the omelets at craft services. Yeah, I haven't eaten in days. What? Is the president supposed to look like fucking shit in this? I mean, I know it's about that embargo, but, me, my God. Hey, Aaron, can I get paid now and in cash?

You don't get paid week by, yeah, yeah, but I put it in a gym bag. Oh, yeah, I love this walking and talking stuff because you can talk and you can walk at the same time, and the camera follows you wherever you're going down the hallway. I love this White House set. Oh, my God, it's so realistic. Is it realistic? Yeah, I'm definitely not my brother. I'll see myself out.

I'm certainly not my brother. I'm actually Martin Sheen. So Brett Michaels has some great decisions that he makes in this scene. So, like, they have sex, and she keeps saying my husband's coming home. We don't know whether or not there is a husband. This could be part of the sex larping. The funny thing is, this movie A, has chapters. Because it's a real film.

Oh, my goodness. But here's my question, because I started making notes of all the chapters. There's 10 of them, right? But I didn't see a sign for chapter one. Oh, is there a chapter one? Is there a chapter one is the priest and the mistress. Oh. Because this starts with some governor, some big fat governor who's got a

Gene Hackman voice kind of? I guess so. Yeah, well, that's the closest he'll ever be compared to fucking Gene Hackman. I'm the governor, Tennessee. That's not a Gene Hackman. That's just whatever this fact guy is. Yeah. He's just like, oh, he's confessing to a priest.

He confesses to a priest. And then he goes to the priest's like, yeah. But you tell anybody about this. I'll have you killed. All of you throw it out of the priesthood. I'm a very powerful man. Yeah. Well, it's like, doesn't he know, like, the rules of priests?

Yeah, that's the lawyers. Well, hey, hey, hey, you know, good Southern priest ain't no ties to the Vatican. I could just pull my red state strings and get you kicked out of the Baptists. By framing him for murdering an altar boy, by the way. Which means this governor. arranged the murder of an altar boy. Yes. Man.

Also, by the way, you know who this governor looks like that jackass sheriff Joe Arapio or whatever that guy's name is? That fat ass from Texas. Is he Texas? I thought it was Arizona. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the guy that was trying to institute the all sorts of crazy shit. Yeah, I'm going to electrocute that fence. I don't like people that aren't me. Yeah. Hey, you know what, man. I mean, he's just a straight shooter that tells it like it is, Sheriff Joe for re-election. He endorsed Donald Trump.

Of course he did, because he's a fucking idiot. And so did David Duke. Side note, can you actually send someone to death on Halloween? That just seems like you're screaming for a haunting. I was just going to, you took the words right out of my. A haunting is what you are asking for. Or are they like, I tried him for murder on Halloween. Learn my lesson the hard way.

It's the Larry brothers. They gave me the chair. or the scare R-I-P Harris Euling Oh, why Harris Eulen got fucking Farinaed from the Oscars Oh, he died this year, right?

Yeah. Oh my God, you're right. That was the one no one real estate. Oh, no, I'm sorry, not Harris Eulen. David Margulies. Point stands, David Margulies. David Margulies, the mayor from Ghostbusters. As our list continues

of who got Dennis Farinaed at the Oscars this year, Abe Vagoda, they only had a hundred fucking years to get ready for that one. Routy, Routy Piper. Come on. Don't. Tony, what's his face? Tony Burton? Yep. Now, let...

Anyway, yeah. So, if a judge sentenced someone to death by electric chair on Halloween night... During a thunderstorm. Is that, you know, are they like, is the judge joking? Yes. Just like a Halloween thing? Is it a Halloween prank? He's having a laugh.

Objection, sir, are you joking? That would be amazing. Point of order, that's hilarious, Your Honor. I think, to the judge's credit. I think it takes place a few days after Halloween. I'll allow it and gotcha. There is this chase sequence. We just have to quickly talk about.

Oh, of course. Okay, so. Oh, wait a second. So there's a murder. There's a lot that happens. So we did too much coke before this episode. I apologize. We're on so much cocaine.

We had tall glass of rails. He goes, he's like, all right. She's like, my husband's going to be home any minute. He's like, okay. do I have time to wash up He says Warsh by the way It's a genuine war I love it

Warsh and she's like yeah okay So he takes a shower And then like That's when whoever else comes in And murders this woman And he's like talking to him He's doing a taxi driver In this mirror

He's a taxi driver slash A Vincent in Pulp Fiction Like you know You're just gonna go home Dirk off And that's what you're gonna do Oh right Yeah yeah yeah

It's just like I'm a cool guy I got my shirt off I'm talking to me myself in the mirror. I'm touching myself. He's like fighting. He's like, oh, you're the governor? He's like, oh, you're the big shot lawyer. You're Christy's boyfriend. And as he's like,

she's getting murdered in the other room. It's the biggest loser thing I've ever seen. And then two more awesome things happen. He's fake fighting a mirror and he rams his knee into this woman's counter. And we're like, you know, like cabinets or whatever and hurts his knee. So we have to see that happening.

And then he comes out and he's like, hey, Christy, I think I'm going to spend a few minutes in your sauna before I get out of here. Wait, she has a sauna? She's got a sauna. He does say, say, oh, hey, Christy. He does hate Christy like 40 times. Yeah, or, hey, Christy. Hey, Christy, whatever it is. It is Christy.

Is it, all right? Hey, Christy, is this deli meat, like, cool to take home or what? Has this been, like, out all day? Is this going to be me food poisoning or? Hey, Christy, would you say that me and your husband are, like, the same size or what? Because I'm eyeing a real nice pair of slacks in here. Hey, Christy, do you play dead for your husband, too? Hey, Christy, you're totally not dead, right?

Hey, Christy. So the real murderer, by the way, calls the police. Yeah, and he's like, hey, there's been a murder. So then, like, the cops burst in right as he finds her dead after that sweet sauna, apparently. After saying, hey, Christy, like, 41 times. Hey, Chris, are you among the living still, or what? And remember, audience, there's a tape that shows him having crazy murder sex. Oh, right.

Here's the thing when you're doing, if you are into rape fantasies, which, you know, whatever, that's your business. If you're into rape, if everyone involved is into rape fantasies and you're making a tape about it. Uh-huh. Go for broke. You keep the tape rolling afterwards and everyone, and then you have, everyone, both people give a sworn affidavit saying, What you just saw was a traumatization. The names have been changed. Bring out the players and take a bow.

Oh, baby, that was so hot. Let's get the notary in here to sign off on this. Exactly. Because you don't want to be in this situation. No, this is how you start to write a letter from death row. So he finds us out of the police. Then chapter five, I think. We're flying through chapters.

There's chapter. All right. So you said chapter one was the lady and the priest or whatever? The priest and the mistress. Did you write them all down? I did. Oh, thank God. So then we're up to chapter two, the fantasy.

So that was that whole nonsense. Chapter three, the tape. So this is kind of where we're at right now. We're in chapter three. Wait, so now we're not at the chase yet? Well, this is the chase. The chase is part of Chapter 3, The Tape. I thought the chase had its own check.

It does not. Oh, okay. Yeah. So the chase is where we finally see the star of the Chase Charlie Sheen as literally credited his cop number one Which he and if you watch the film he's really playing cop number three Yeah

At best There's another cop in here I could have sworn I had a Judd Nelson sighting No way well maybe I feel like he was sleeping on the Sheen's couch Yeah was Judd up hey Judd get up you're in a movie We're gonna be in a movie come on Judd so they're like chasing him he drives his car into another car sure and he's he's captured

those two things that this movie does not have the budget for well two of many uh squibs and blanks because you don't see guns fire but you hear you hear about guns firing right like later in the movie there's so many moments where it's like something big is happening yeah better better not show it so then he's like in the high gray grainy filter on this man this movie looks like shit and there's a couple of POV shots that are a couple

yeah this movie's like 60% POV dude it's like an episode of peep show oh no first they thought I was a paedophile now they think I'm a serial rapist necrophile just another sad day for Mark but I'm not

the first season that show weird theme song second season on Harvey Danger? I would stick with the weird theme. Yeah, that's literally the one flaw of that whole entire beautiful, brilliant show. Wait, was it Flagpole Seta? Of course. What else is it? It's so B-Sides. Sounds like they made the right decision to me.

I don't know, Barr. Love that Harvey Danger. I have been president for five years. I'm just hanging out. That was... That was... That was after. It was post-me. It was like 99 or something. Yeah, that was like heyday a Clinton. Oh, yeah. You know,

whatever... It happened on his watch. Whenever the film disturbing behavior came out, that's flagpole sit in. Yes. That was on heavy rotation in K. Rock. So, yeah, so then we have Chapter 4. That's called Chapter 4,

The Verdict one week later. So he's in the hospital. We kind of, like, we're getting into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle level names of this. Big Apple, 3 a.m. God, this movie sucks. Technodrome. Shredder, I've given you a letter from death row. I'm being executed.

Shredder, they're going to gas me. I thought that you were talking about the Brad Michael's album and movie. Shredder, Rocksteady, and I were playing a game. Oh, so this is, we're introduced to this jackass lawyer character that looks like Marklin Baker, by the way. Oh, big time. Marklin Baker on a bad day. Now, is this the guy, what's the lawyer's name? Is there a name here? Oh, Gary. I couldn't keep track of anything. But I saw one fella, his name is Bateman.

And he's played by a guy named Phil Valentine. Oh, that is a lawyer. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Okay, so this is the lawyer. And what has Phil Valentine been up to lately? Oh, making documentary films to discredit Al Gore's global warming theories. Hey, you know what, if the shoe fits. Well, you know, you got to use, if you get catapulted to stardom by a letter from death row. Yeah, you can, you can start taking shots at Al Gore.

It's called, his documentary is called an inconsistent truth. Oh. And on the IMDB for that movie, there's like links to like seven other movies that are discrediting Al Gore's movie and Inconvenient Truth. And one of them, my favorite title, is not evil, but wrong. Is that available to watch? It's going to be to me when I look for it. Check your local dumpsters. So this lawyer has one of the best lines.

in the movie so he's basically saying like the trial didn't go well Brett Michaels is like held up in the hospital still it's like jail hospital I think again we don't know if he got shot or what like it's I think it's just injuries sustained from the car accident oh okay because like yeah there's like this scene

where like he's got a gun for some reason and Charlie Sheen in his only lines like put the gun down now! Yeah yeah yeah yeah the best acting in the movie boy far by the way oh sure he even outshines Martin in this one or Joe we're not I'm entirely sure.

Emilio, guess what I did today on Zad? I finally outshone dad, I did it, I did it, I did it. Call me back. No, so the lawyer goes, that was your sperm in that girl. Come on. They did, well, he did come on, and they found it. Yeah.

Well, it just reminded me, you guys ever see that Alicia Silverstone movie The Crush with her and Carrie Lowe? Yes. And it's like a creepier Lolita. And the lawyer in that movie says to Carrie Elways at one point ago, they found semen in her Jack

and you're just like I don't fucking need this dialogue please I do please more more of it so he's convicted there's a whole sorry yeah the semen talk no one's ever seen the movie

Nightwatch right the one with Ewan McGregor and Nick Nolte I was gonna say the Russian movie it's kind of a stay tuned where like Nick Nulte plants you and McGregor's seaman on a dead prostitute

oh really I got your semen I got your semen I got your seed. I'm playing it than a girl. Oh, God, he's got more than wood. He's still asleep. Let me just talk him off.

I get a rubber glove here. Nope, didn't do anything. So he's like, he has this nightmare sequence where, like, a little person is, like, a businessman whose businessman whose business is the electric chair. It's like, come on in, Brett Michaels and sit down. Welcome to my barbershop slash execution chamber. It reminded me, you ever see Living in Oblivion? No, I haven't. It's a, it's a Steve Bouchemy movie, like, the idea is like he's on the set of a bad independent movie,

which is very similar to this. And like Peter Dinklage is in that movie, like a super early Peter Dinklage. And like, Steve Bishami is like, yeah, you're going to be in this nightmare sequence. And Peter Dinklage has this lie where he's like, well, why would I be in a nightmare? sequence and he's like well because you're like and it's like the idea is like Peter Dinklet has a real problem with him like being a devial

just because he's a little person which is exactly what this movie is saying it's like it's fucking freaky man to get the little person in there oh man I was totally influenced by David Lynch's twin peaks oh man did I go to jail or the circus yo did you get that

little person's a number from that bachelor party we did man we got to have a we got a nightmare sequence coming up. It's going to be awesome. We're going to have a little person. You know that guy from Jurassic Park? Maybe we get some dinosaurs in there. That'd be fucking fun. This movie could use dinosaurs. Oh, man. Sure. I would love

I would give my left arm for a dinosaur. Could we talk a little bit about the overarching structure? Because we missed something. In the beginning of the film. Oh, yes. Yeah, you're right. You know what? It's very important. In the beginning of the film, we do, it's Brett Michael's beautiful narration. Because this guy's a great actor. Oh, it's awesome.

talking about great good writers can make you imagine yes but great writers can make you believe oh and then he's talking about this book that he's writing he says book numerous times

and they keep showing this screenplay it's a screenplay to the movie the actual screenplay it's just like oh my god here's my book what's my line yeah yeah it's my book prop just don't do any close-ups on it it doesn't make any look if you're saying book

it's got to be a novel and that's one thing show me pros yes it's just it's like you know Michael Rain which it's his name by the way woof sure and it's just like dialogue it's just like I like hookers Michael Rain smokes a cigarette

and you're very clear and they do show him get electrocuted in the beginning of the movie and they do like throughout the movie there's this other thing that goes on where they'll close up on his mouth like and he'll give the dialogue of whatever the character like if the warden's got a speech, they'll cut to his fat mouth.

And you know what it looks like? Because it's kind of like, sometimes they get a little bit farther out than just the mouth and you can kind of make out the background. And it looks like when a poet would do like those monologues on Oz. Yes, yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, are we ripping off Oz in this movie? We're about time. That's right around the right time. But so the other thing that's important at the beginning of the movie is you see before, like right around all that, like a writer makes you whatever, is like the warden and he's like, you know, the priest is here to give you the last, right? It's like, Brett Michaels is going to the gas chamber or the chair and then we back up or we think we back up.

I don't know. Where are we now? So he pretty much very quickly, like it's like a week later, he gets his whole... The chapter literally says the verdict is a week later. Which is insane because the capital case takes months, if not like a full goddamn year. And this movie, like, there's no, like, you know, sentencing will be given at whatever. he's like, you've been found guilty and I'm going to give you the chair. Have a nice day.

And he starts like, it's amazing. He's like, I judge. Oh, judge, you got to listen to me. And he's like yelling at this judge. I got to worship, judge. They take him down like in the courtroom, this guy. And then he's like immediately just sent to jail. Which is actually a high school, I think.

Like this thing looks real cheap. Yeah. Like, first of all, they're taking him through the front door of this thing. Like where the visitors go in. It's a locker room, right? Right? What chapter are we in now? We've got to be in...

Well, we're still in four is basically the idea. But, well, actually, no, it's not true. Chapter 5, the big house. Okay, everyone at home, move your bookmark forward a little bit. Your script bookmark. And so this is... We get introduced to, like, the neighborhood of death row, right? All his cellmates and whatnot, so you have, like...

Keeping up with the Joneses? You've got a, you've got a white trash... racist guy. Of course. There's a black gentleman who's there for unknown reasons. And the only thing he says is, hi, man. My name's Tyrone. And I'm like, okay. Yep, got it. Thank you. There's a Vietnam veteran

who lit up a convenience store owned by Asian people. So he's there. There's some... Man, he's just a product of the system, man. Yeah, oh, of course. You hear his fucking sob story. He didn't want to go to war and become a racist? Oh, yeah, man, this is a great movie. He's got a lot of things to say, dude. Oh, man, it's great.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, indeed. That's the thing that he didn't call cut. He just would say, oh, yeah. And then you knew that the scene was over, that he got what he needed. Stop the camera. We're burning money right now. Also, what's awesome.

Oh, dude, I said, oh, yeah, like four minutes ago. Why are you still rolling? I'm not going to say cut. Cut is a diminutive term. We're not cutting out anything in this movie. Don't you guys know how to work with Brett Michaels? are what? It's, oh, yeah. What's awesome

is they're like, oh, hey, you know, the guards are like, get the fuck in there, Michael Raine or whatever. And one of the guys is like, Michael Raine, the videotape murderer? Come on with that nickname. Oh, man, that would be plastered all over every newspaper. Sure.

I guess. And then the white supremacist has a great thing where he goes, I ain't scared of dying or frying. And, you're like, yep, can't wait for you to pass. How is there no one else from, like, you got Charlie Sheen, you got Martin Sheen, sure. I don't know what you've got. I mean, I know what you got on Charlie Sheen.

He owes you like six large for whatever happened last Saturday. So you're saying, why is there no one else from poison? They must hate his fucking guts. Yeah, or like any of his contemporaries, I guess nobody liked him. Like, you can find someone from White's name? Wasn't Sebastian Bach in this or something? Well, there's actually, I can't what the dude's name. Um, he's the guitarist for Poison is supposedly, uh, uncredited in the film.

Oh, okay. Which I, I don't know if I buy, because I know what the guy looks like and I didn't see him in the movie. Um, side question about rock stars. Do you think Rob zombie had to watch this movie once? Like, you brought it, like Rob, I know you love movies, man. I think this is the biggest influence for a house of a thousand corpses. Oh, C.C. DeVille is that dude's name from Poison. Oh yeah, I didn't see him

He's supposedly uncredited in the movie But I don't know I know you guys are zombie heads Yeah But that house of a thousand corpses It sucks It's a bad movie I hate that movie

Yeah I really don't like that movie You got that right No I mean Rob zombie to me is like Two for four Or something like that I like devil's rejects

Yeah Quite a bit Sure I wasn't crazy about The first Halloween when I saw it But when I got the box set I rewatched everything And I liked it

I was fine with it I don't think it's great Yeah I was okay with it. Two, I think, is great. Because it's a weird movie. I can keep both those Halleons. I've not seen Halloween 2.

I have not seen Devil's Rejects. Devil's Rejects is good. Yeah. The real one is what you always forget the name of the movie. Oh, his like Witch Radio DJ movie. Oh, fuck. That's like his. Oh, witch FM.

Witches of Salem? Yeah, maybe. I think Salem's in the title. Yeah, some about Salem. Because Salem is like A buzzword Man It's like a fucking buzzword

Whatever I mean like Which buzzword Bro And now the The guard One of the mean There's a mean guard

And a good guard And the mean guard's like Hey man You better learn What the rules are At this prison Oh yeah He's hard as nails

And he's like Yeah You're gonna Look out for the showers By the way If you're on death row You don't go to Gen Pop for showers

Like that's not how that shit works No Well this movie doesn't know How prison works Oh okay Oh, also, oh, yeah, it was the Lords of Salem. Lords of Salem, okay. This movie doesn't know how life works.

And by the way, the other guard looks just like David Axelrod. Who, if you don't know who that is, look up the 2008 election. Also, he has a pretty interesting podcast where he talks politics. All right. He's talking to, like, random people. Yeah, there was an, I mean, I just listened to the one he had with Bernie, but he's had a bunch of people on. It's pretty cool. He's a smart guy.

Had he been in this movie, he, uh, or. wouldn't have been hired by the Obama campaign because they would have been like, well, David, yeah, everything here looks up to snuff, except one thing, you were credited as guard number two in a Brett Michael's passion project? In this jail rape movie? Now I'm imagining Martin Sheen in Aaron Sorkin's office

circa 1998, and he's like, all right, Martin, I think you're our president, you're the guy. Oh, I just got a letter here from my secretary. Were you in a Brett Michaels movie? No, that was my brother. that's my brother joe are you sure about that because it's a it's a thing saying you had a call from bret michael's talking about reshoots no no uh it's my brother joe uh smells like joe estabez all over again uh look i let him use my name sometimes sometimes i do his screen test and vice versa i know i auditioned for him but that's it

Oh, Spawn, that's Joe Estabaz. Man, I forgot that he was in Spawn. Yeah, you know what? Yikes. He thanks the good Lord every day for Aaron Sorkin and the West Wing. Without question. So, whatever. Chapter 6, the cold reality.

Now he realizes he's in prison. He gets a... This is when the real confusing part of this script really kicks into high gear. Don't you mean the book? The book. The book that we wrote. God damn it. Is this where he gets his hair cut off by the name? No, that's coming up. No, Julie or Jessica shows up.

Yes. Who's a, the governor's aide. And, like, she wants to meet him because she's writing a book in air quotes. Yeah. And, oh, you're writing a book, too. You want to see my book? This is a screenplay, sir. Oh, no, no, I've got to start all over.

I thought I was writing a book. Hey, this is an email. I don't think they even know what a book is. No emails in Tennessee death row in 1998, by the way. Fair story. I guess that's true, but they did have typewriters and they knew screenplay for that. Whatever else. So, I mean, this lady is the governor's aide.

He's kind of attracted to her, I guess. Sure. Oh, right before this happens, and it only happens once in the movie, the mean guard's like oh we got a sexy lady here for you mr rain hey open your mouth one second he's like yeah sure and he pulls out i guess he has dentures this entire movie or like a front like the front of his teeth aren't real and i didn't get it and he starts screaming he's got my teeth and i'm like wait it's either dentures or it's a weird this grown man just got fooled by a got your nose esk adult gag No, because Brett Michael starts talking like this. You took my teeth, man. It's not cool.

Yeah, and I'm sitting there thinking, hey man. Yeah. Is that real? Yeah, that's a good question. I mean, Brett Michaels might be a victim of meth-mouthed. Oh, man. Now I'm starting out of a letter from death row, man. Why isn't Bruce Glover in this movie?

Because he happened to be away in his RV on vacation that week. I think that Bruce Glover is on like Brett Michael. do not admit list. Hey man, when's the party this weekend, Brent? Oh, God, fucking Bruce Glover's

outside again. You know what, man, I don't care. Last time, I left my keys in your house, you didn't leave your keys in my house.

Then where are they, man? Something tells me they're at the bottom of your pool, man. Just let me in to take a quick look.

Are those cocktail weenies? I haven't eaten in days. Oh, man. Now this guy's just sucking a weedy by my pool. Yeah, man, I think those socks used to be mine, man. I left them out of your house last time, and now you're wearing them, man. Oh, really? These white haines socks look familiar to you.

You know, just give me 20 bucks. We'll call it even. Those are expensive songs. So this woman is like, I'm going to interview you. To get the full story for a book. It sounds immediately like horseshit. Yes. This is the next scene.

The warden gets wind that he's getting these visits. And he arranges, this is the weirdest scene in the movie. Sure. Buy a lot. The governor, the warden sends him into a bathroom. And the warden's in like a bathrobe sitting on a shower seat. bathrobe flip-flops doing his best Paul Sorvino

impression. And you kind of assume he's going to get raped right now because it's prison and like it's been kind of insinuated a bit. Because they say something about like by the way not today because there's ladies here but sometimes soon the warden's going to visit and you're going to get your orientation in the shower.

Yeah and like you're I don't know, I know what that is. They found semen in it, Jack. I'm sorry to laugh at that. let me just drop a little bit here God damn it I'm

I'm going to set this guy up good I'm going to set this Scotsman up good drip drip drip drip drip drip drip I've lost some of it

but I got most of it I got a super soaker at home stock to the bread I've got to spray the wild been siphoning it off him for a week fill up my soaker I'm fucking professional

do a job do it right oh so the shower thing by the way starts off chapter seven the Danker execution so

he gets Danker by the way is the name of the redneck he gets put in the shower room and again you think it's the rape scene and like he gets beaten up by the guard

and the other guy just starts shaving his head yeah and the wardens just kind of like sitting there in his robe like I guess this is what happens when you come to my prison or whatever I guess he's shirk it off

sure by the way his wig is being shaved off by the way because this is a Cato Caelin Saturday Night Live sketch wig well listen we already established that this murder took place on Halloween there's all sorts of wigs and whatnot oh that's a store I could open

wigs and whatnot wigs and whatnot we sell wigs and whatnot pretty cool I got a super-sookers you got in here. Oh, no. You got any rubber gloves? Yes, we do. Hey, hey, you got a dental dam in here.

Man, so also, oh, actually. Oh, man. This is my favorite dumb effect in the movie. So they throw him down on the shower floor. And they're smashing his face against the shower floor, which, like, you're looking up so it's like a, Sylvester Stallone glass table situation, and they're doing like shattered glass computer effects every time they smash his face into this floor. It looks like a graphic for when the glass breaks and stone cold comes out.

It's like and they're just shoving his face. And then they cut back to the opposite angle and it's clearly just like a shower floor with tiles on it. Why? What is that adding to anything? So a light beating, and a haircut, sends this guy to the infirmary? Yeah, I don't know. He's all taped up, and he's got his jaw-wired shot or some such business. And, like, so the warden's like, by the way, you got Jessica's here to see you. You better not.

He's like, one thing, she's never going to believe you because I'm the warden, and you're just a scumbag inmate, which makes sense. And he's like, uh-huh, and if you say one thing, you're going to go right to the hole. So he goes there, he's got a bald head, and he feels really self-conscious about it. guess. And he goes, oh, the warden did this to me. And the warden, even after his smart way, he's like, oh, you know, he still goes out. I was like, yeah, I did it. And what are you going to do about it, lady? I'm like, she's a journalist or something. She works for the governor's office. You can get fucking fired, man. You can't just give people haircuts. You can't just be walking around giving people haircuts. Another thing about

not knowing what prison is. So Brent Michaels, you know, betrays the governor. The governor to punish him puts him in the hole which is, or solitary as it's called with someone else Yes. Yes. Yes. Yep. Not how that works. But you know what? That goes beyond just not knowing how prison works. That is

not knowing what words mean. I don't know what a book is. You don't know what a fucking book is. You don't know what the word solitary means. And so he's thrown in by the way with the priest. The priest from the beginning of the movie. Anyone else get the name on this priest that of chaos?

It's Lucifer something, isn't it? For T-Powers. T-Powers. Lucifer, the name of a priest. I think that they're even like, oh, you know what, man? Thank you so much. You got to change your name before you ordain you. Yep, totally. Lewis is fine.

Father Lewis. Lucifer T. Powers is the name of a fucking sheriff in a bad Burt Reynolds movie. That's what Lucifer T. Powers is, man. You are so right. I like that idea. So he's in there with this dude. Ned Beatty is Lucifer T-Powers.

It's a Ned Duffer T-Powers. It's a Ned. Bainty character. That was the alternate title for his character in White Lightning, which is actually a pretty good movie. That's what was followed up with Gator, which is not good. Correct.

Gator is no good. Also directed by Bert Reynolds, is it not? Yeah, that's probably one of its problems. Yeah, I can direct it. Maybe some people are made to direct movies and some people just aren't. Maybe that's the lesson to learn. What we've learned today

is Brett Michaels. should be handed the keys to Star Wars episode 9 Get him in there Hey get them in there Let's get the petition going guys Why not? Pop culture petitions work all the time Oh also so when he's in there with this priest

Before this dude gives his fucking life story to the camera Danker is executed And they do this crazy thing Like this I believe obviously Like the electric chair is going So the electricity in the jail gets a little wonky But then they cut to a shot of the moon What?

It explodes. The moon explodes. The moon explosion? There's a moon explosion. General Hux fired the super laser and the moon explodes. It's so crazy. Like, the lights are going

and they're like, Danker's getting it. And then you cut outside and the moon just goes, oh my God, now it's the world after tomorrow. The tides are fucked up. There's your fucking moon.

There's no night anymore. Because, I mean, look, look, if one man dies incorrectly in prison, And then the moon might as well explode, right? Because death penalty's wrong. I don't know, man. Oh, my God. And that's what the whales take over, baby.

So then you got to wail with a helmet on and it's got like a science stuff on it. And it's telling him what to do. And he's like fighting people. You know, can I get some of that? I need to wake up before I can go home, man. Like, this stuff is just, it knocked me right out. Oh, I can't have anything. That's great, man.

So you're saying you want me to drop. like this. Oh my God, let's throw knives at this guy. Good idea. So Lucifer T. Powers is saying, hey, he pretty much lays out that the governor set me up. And I, like, this guy was a priest.

He has no forgiveness in his body whatsoever. Oh, not one ounce. Oh, I'll go to hell. But before I go to hell, I will take that governor with me. And he tells him how, like, the governor was also having an affair with this Brett Michael's girlfriend. Christy! Hey Christy! You banging that governor, babe?

Think I'm going to take a sauna. So, like, that's wrapped into this whole thing. What fucking chapter are we at? We're still in we're still in Chapter 7, the Danker execution. We're almost to the end of it, though. Yeah, we're getting there. So, whatever.

By the way, the guy also, he says he got shot, which we don't see. He takes out a glass eye, and he's like, that's what happened when you mess with the governor, man. I think he's insinuating he got shot in the eye because he's like then they tried to get the gun on me and they took a shot at me and look what happened

and then he like pulls out the glass eye and he's like because the eye of the Lord's always watching you or some nonsense I mean the question when he was wrongly convicted did he immediately become surly or was he always a surly ass fucking priest I grew up with a surly ass

priest man they were out there oh yeah I grew up with a real mean bastard running my congregation oh this dude was hateful he was a hateful man and now he's dead that's how they that's how they normally wind up

well he's now in the kingdom of heaven yeah as it turned out he's still qualified loved smacking you in the face though old Italian guy oh really smack in the face oh yeah one of those like oh it's like I'm doing like the cheek thing but it's like a real fucking hard one

oh yeah old school that's a sign of affection yeah no I know I know what it was supposed to be it's also a child of you So my church basement had a botchy ball court and fucking cigar air rater in it So figure out what the fuck was going on at that place And you wonder why this show is so pro mafia So now

The mafia could have straightened this movie out is all I'm going to say Oh absolutely get the mafia into the heart of Tennessee politics Absolutely Oh yeah Dixie Mafia or Italian mafia I think you'd still need to bring in the Italians for this one Drive them down from Jersey This is worth the mob war. Which brings us to chapter 8, the hellhole.

I think this, I don't even know what happens. Seed's deleted, I guess. It's more, I mean, it's more with the priest, actually. But then this is also where this movie has a side plot that becomes the main plot, which is there's this secret nun character. Oh, right. And the whole thing is the warden, or not the warden, excuse me, the priest is like engineering an escape. to like get out like the night that he's going to be executed or whatever and kill the governor and all that one fell swoop yes it's a it's a pretty ambitious plan yeah yeah i mean like you want

to either do one or the other break out in jail and just go man don't stop off at the governor's mansion come on those are two major crimes like year long plans you know what i mean yeah yeah oh big time i mean i guess this guy's had time to think it all over you want if i could break out of prison and kill your high school gym teacher, sure. You could do that on the road to Mexico. But, like, you want to go and kill the fucking governor? You need a team. This is also one of my favorite parts of the movie

is the lawyer comes back. And he's like the first lawyer in making a murderer. That William H. Macy looking son of a bitch that deserves to go. You want to talk about going to hell. Oh, God, that guy's pure fucking trash. So he's like, good news. one of your songs sold so now you have more money for a defense and I was like

when is he writing songs he said he's writing a book well he says I got good news and bad news is one of your songs sold also good on the good news tip your dad is here oh yeah bad news they said the date for your execution oh man it's like it a year or whatever no it's two years and he's like so I got to wait two years in this dump before I can die they keep shaving my head man and it keeps sending me to the hospital for some reason fucking sucks turns out a bald brett michael's looks like a hairless hamster oh man he's like fucking he's like colias man you know it's or samson you shave his head you know it takes the spirit you know man that's like biblical shit oh shit oh yeah and then then you got lucifer in there who's the devil clearly and i think

jesus was a werewolf i just keep i keep what i'm pushing that and then i bring down the thunder man And how about Martin Sheen cameo? I don't know, man. You think your dad's going to do it or what? Don't, you better not have your uncle show up. I'll be so fucking busy you, Charlie. You told me about that. You think it's fucking hilarious every time Joe Estabez shows up at West Wing sets.

It's not funny. Not for Letter from Death Row. It's not. This is a serious film. So, I mean, like, I think Martin Sheen is reprising his character in Wall Street in the scene. With the trucker hat that says, get a life with Jesus. Yeah. Well, he comes in and he's like, I, son, I sent them,

I gave the guard a pack of smokes, so that should tie you over. So the guard hasn't now and you're not getting them. You'll never see one of those cigarettes. And he's dead. I was falsely accused, man. You got to get me out of here. He's like, well, my favorite line in the whole movie. He's like, well, Michael, if they let you out,

they got to let everybody out. That's a real, what are you talking about, dad? You don't got to let everybody out. And it's actually, that's so funny because I totally forgot what his role is in Wall Street until right now. But I think you're totally like, and it's just like, you fucking dug this hole, see ya, kind of a thing. And that's what he does. It's in and out. It is, he's in this movie for under three minutes.

We do get the second build. We do get the worst acting of Brett Michael's career when he's blubbering in this scene. Oh, God, damn. Yeah, that's uncomfortable. one of those things you write and you're like oh man i'm totally gonna get there and then the day came and you didn't get there you know what i mean you just couldn't get there uh chapter nine the dead man song uh this is where he's playing basketball alone and you don't know it at first this is some bullshit it's like him and he's like dribbling and he's like yelling at other characters and you're

like oh all right is it come on tyrone get the ball yeah and then it's like the camera swoops around and he's just all alone. Wow. And I don't think he can even bring himself to take a shot either. I think a lot of this movie was like everyone was filmed at different times,

in different locations. Right. Because you never see like a wide shot of Martin Sheen and Brett Michaels. I'm thinking Martin Sheen wasn't even there. No. Oh, that's possible. Yeah.

This movie. You think Joe Estabez is holding the camera? Joe Estavis was the over the shoulder of Brett Michael. Man, he totally got standing money from his brother, right? Oh, yeah. Joe, they just need the light to shot.

You could, this is your time to shine, Joe. Joe, yeah, it's the scene right before Gemma dies got to go into the hospital. So you just have to fall over on your stomach. Can you do that? This is the worst movie ever made. It is. This is unwatchable,

untalkable almost. Basically, there's some janitor or something. Oh, the maintenance man that looks like Kevin Nash. He looks like Kevin Nash. A little bit mixed with Mix Foley, though. Mitch Foley, though. Oh, Mick Foley. Oh, yeah.

Mitch Foley is a respected senator. He's not going to bring no Supreme Court nominee. You could swap out Mick Foley and add in Mark Boone Jr. And you'd get like the same effect. What, your kids don't like falafel? That's my Mark Boone Jr. impression. Um, so, uh, this is, uh, there's something where like, he fucks with a vent and then this incredibly fat man waddles his way through scene deleted on that one too. Um, and the nun drives him, kills this, uh, maintenance man.

Yeah. Oh, wait, she's not a nun after all. And then like, she winds up just shooting this dude in the head, the priest. Yeah. You're like, well, what the fuck happened there? That's what I was waiting to ask you guys. Well, and you've still never seen. the face of the nun.

Yes. Right. We'll get there. Oh, is that, that is revealed to be her? What she's trying to do, which is not very smart. Oh, I just pieced it together, guys.

But we got to talk about this breakout for a second. Sure, please. Because Mick Foley slash Kevin Nash is working on this air vent earlier in the day before this Father Lucifer is to be executed. And it's like a tiny ass, like, five by nine air vent. This is the vent that they tell you in the movie This grown man snuck out of And he's not a skinny man

This guy, this guy was an earthquake He's just like a wrestler He's looking like earthquake This guy's a shapeshifter Oh he was mystique the whole time Oh he turned into the secret world of Alex Mac And just became a puddle of silver goo Yes that or some type of

Some woodland nymph That was able to get through this thing It's just, it's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is a bad movie. It's incompetently made. Not everybody knows how to make a good movie. Certainly not.

But everybody knows that a grown man can't fit through a vent, the size of the vent you have in your house for fucking air conditioning. By the way, that would be a great ballad lyric, you know. Everybody knows a man can't fit through that bed. everybody knows good news mr rain another song sold by the way um yes the soundtrack or the album the studio composition by brett michael's is on spotify oh and the album cover features both both martin and charlie sheen on it it's insane oh what shit i mean we're still not shorts dot joe estibus i'm just I think it is Joe Estabez.

I think Joe Estabez, it's like mystique. Like if his eyes go yellow, you know, oh, that was mystique the whole time. Oh, right. So Joe Estabez's his eyes glow yellow. It's like, oh, it's not Martin Sheet. That's Joe Estabez. So we cut to another hilariously awkward part of this movie. It's a dinner table.

I love this point. The governor, his wife, this lady assistant who's writing the book, aka just trying to get info on Brett Michaels. And they're talking about this execution that's happening. And Dolly Madison's made. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, this woman is dressed up like an 18th century housekeeper. It's ridiculous.

Because you know why? Someone went to a fucking Halloween store and was like, I'm making a movie and I got a maid character. What do you got? And it was this ridiculous, actually, it was probably a sex shop. It was sex larping. And it was like, I need a sexy maid outfit. It's like, here you go.

The gaudiest fucking thing you've ever seen. No one ever serves a nose pit. If you ever made in your house, you're not going to ever wear that outfit. in the year 1998. I mean, it's so crazy. So they're there, they're at the dinner table, and they're like, you know, you can't, you know, you can't go down there for the execution. You're already getting enough shit because you're frying this guy and the wife's...

This priest, by the way, like, yeah, you don't want to be shown gleeful at the execution of a priest. And then, like, the wife is like, no, I think you need to do this for PR, blah, blah, blah. And then the assistant is like, no, I agree with the governor. And then the governor is like, yeah, that's right, you know. And you should probably stay over tonight. And the wife gets all pissed off And he's like, I meant to take phone calls, Mary. Well, it's the governor who's not a very good actor.

Not at all. He looks like Sheriff Joe Arapo. Just remember that. He's like, oh, yeah, you should stay over tonight for the execution. And the wife is like, yeah, I'm sure she'd love that. He's like, Mary, I met phone call! He's like really loses it. And then it's awesome.

After all of that, after the dust settles, the camera just pans to the left. And there's a little boy sitting at the table. This is a legitimately really good flat of the Concord's gag. You know what I mean? Like we're two people having a really awkward conversation. And then you pan over and it's Murray right there. Like, oh, you're talking about me. It's like, whatever that is.

And the kid is just like, can I be excused? You're talking about electrocuting someone to death. End affairs. It's so awesome. And also, I'm sorry, this set that they're in. I mean, none of the sets look good. No. This is clearly someone's.

lawyer's office that they put a long table in and put some silverware and plates down and pretended like it was a dining room. Keep in mind, they couldn't even find a house. I mean, I think the house from the beginning has to be Brett Michael. It's the one where she's

murdered in. Oh, maybe. It's a nice looking house. I think that since he blew his own house. There is a sauna. That's poison money, if I ever heard it. Hey man, you could use my house Since you just got to pay the reaper. Pay the toll of my brother.

Is Bruce Glover still calling us? Yes, he is. The answer is yes, he is. So at some point, so also, so the whole thing is like, oh my God, Father Lucifer broke out of jail. And so the governor gets the call, and it's this, that, and the other thing. And it's also reported that the governor's son

was defenestrated at this point. They're like to be thrown out a window. Oh, okay. And the report is like, this just in, the governor's son has been found thrown out a window and is in a coma with serious neck injuries. And the reporting on the, it doesn't look good. It doesn't look good. What a report is this?

Tune back in at 11 in case things turn really grim. So this whole thing is like, oh my God, Lucifer must have busted out and did this and this stuff and the other thing. Are we on chapter 9, the letter? this is a chapter 10 the letter oh i apologize yeah but yeah that's where we are though um so he uh so we get that are they are they finally at mordor yet yeah i mean an eagle could have carried fucking brett brett michael's to the end of this movie pretty easily one time when you saw an eagle pick up a grown man man it was crazy

well i wish i was i had been there that would have been amazing yeah you do, man. You know, we had Crispin Glover over for a party. It was awesome. It was six months ago. His father will not leave the house. Who brings their dad

to a Hollywood party? Crispin fucking Glover does, God damn it. Wait, did Charlie Sheen do that? Is that how this happens? You got me stuck with in the dad room with Bruce Glover. But like the Martin Sheen, did Charlie Sheen bring Martin

Sheen to a Brett Michael's party? and it's just like after like the more they're leaving at like seven in the morning the sun is coming up and martin she's just like well i got to do that gentleman's movie i mean he cornered me and talked about it i said i do it i'm a man of my word charlie i'm a man of my word oh hey it's my best friend in all of holly get the fuck away from me kirk douglas The hall of Hollywood dad The Hall of Hollywood Dad. Oh man, we got Angelina Jolie coming.

She's so hot. Bad news is she's bringing her dad. And now John Void's at my party. Put him in the dad room, man. Nobody wants John Voight at their party. He's a guy who's never impressed with your appetizers. Oh, man, Jamie Lee Curtis. This is coming over, and Tony.

Oh, man, to go to Bo and Jeff Bridges and Lloyd Bridges. Stick him in the dad room, man. Every good party has a dad room. That is true. And, you know, it's a sign of status, too, that your

house is big enough to have a dad room. Hey, you had show some respect for this room, man. It's haunted by Henry Fonda. Peter Fonda came over once To fucking score LSD And stuck Henry Fonda in there And he died

Any other Hollywood dads I think that's enough So this lawyer sends a letter to Brett Michaels Saying hey look By the way you were set up I was set up too Because I was dating Christy as well I guess Yeah, yeah, you know

And like the governor was in on it And he's the one that made sure Or I kept, he keeps getting these phones You do see this lawyer Get some phone calls With the modulated voice Want to play a game You don't know who jigsaw is

At one point Jigsaw the nun He gets his phone call And he's like Yeah, I'll take care of it I will take care of it Hey listen my phones aren't tap Is this who I think it is?

Oh man, that's a great line Like the guy just hangs up It's like, do you not know why I'm using a voice modulator? I'm not going to let you guess who I am. Is this who I think it is? Excuse me, blackmailer. Is this who I think it is? Well, who do you think it is?

It's full of so much stupid shit. There's even one point where someone's like, you know, he's doing this pro bono. No money. Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah. They just explain everything. Like, you're the dumbest sack of shit. Well, if it's written by the dumbest sack of shit

Listen, this movie was made for America This movie was tested in the dad room I'll tell you that much Hey man, so what happens in Chapter 10 Everyone else All the other dads are like desperately trying to leave And Bruce Glover is loving it Here is Bruce Glover cites Martin Sheen's name

On a contract And now he has to do the watcher Hey man, I'm right, I'm out of here Scribble Brian couldn't make it this week I'm his replacement bruise Oh, this is also where you kind of learn That this government

The governor's assistant is a little weird and crooked Because in one of the most Unnecessary and head scratching moments Of the movie She takes a photo She's at the governor's house She takes a photo of the governor, the wife, and the kid, and she takes it out of the frame and tears it so that just the governor's in the photo

and starts rubbing her crotch with it. And she's like, you just don't even know, or like whatever is going on. Well, because it's like, oh, you know, the kid is dead, I think. That means he'll, and the wife can't have any more kids, but I can. And she starts, like, masturbating with the. picture. Oh, man. I found semen in her, Jack. Oh, God.

Yeah, so that happens in Chapter 10, Eric, in case you were curious. I was curious, because I think about Chapter 10 is when I tuned down. Well, it's awesome because at this point is like, one of the guards or somebody says something about like, hey, Brett Michaels, Jessica Foster, and he goes, who? And I'm like, the woman you've been talking

to for the whole movie, you know this movie's made. There's six people in this movie. movie. Know them all. The governor shows up because he thinks for some reason Brett Michaels set him up, set up Lucifer T, whomever, and he's involved, and he's the reason that his son's in a coma. So the governor comes with like six, like, Secret Service dudes, and a shotgun and shoots Brett Michaels with a shotgun. We don't see it, but we see like the governor take the gun. Brett Michaels fall to the floor. We hear a noise

and we see smoke out of the barrel. All happening in Chapter 11, the famous final scene. The audacity to use the word famous in this movie. By the way, anyone who put money behind this project is also filing Chapter 11. Yeah, no kidding. Oh, man, this paperwork again. Never gets any easier, but like,

the good thing is I have all the fields templated on my computer. It's kind of like paying your phone bill. Not my first rodeo. with chapter 11 man This buck and broncos got kicked My apologies to Bruce Glover I'm sure he's a very nice man

He's great and I you know I legitimately like him and stuff and this is just Something that happens On this show it happens On this show it happens So Brett Michaels after getting shot by the governor Explains what happened I think He's like oh it was Jessica the whole time

Right The governor was unaware that Jessica was coming to meet him and all this stuff. And he's like, that does make sense. It was Jessica. And you're like, wait, what? And like, at this point, Jessica and the mother, the mother is like visiting the sun and reading a story.

Yeah. And Jessica comes in and she's like, oh, you should leave us alone. Go get coffee. And she, like, takes a pillow. And she's like, good night, sweet prince. And my favorite line in the movie, one of my favorite lines of the movie is these police officers first in and

like, Jessica, drop that pillow. You're under arrest. The idea the police would call her Jessica. Just very funny. Also, someone's saying drop that pillow. Yeah, drop that pillow? Classic police officer dialogue. So she gets arrested.

And at this point, Brett Michaels gets exonerated, right? Yeah, he's totally free. But Jessica, it wasn't the governor framing him. It was Jessica the whole time. Right. Yes. But now, was the governor, like, in love with Christy? Yes, the governor was in love with Christy. That's who he confessed to Lucifer about.

Yes. So did Jessica set up Lucifer? I think that's the idea. She's the puppet maestress. You see her in one of the like explanation flashbacks like carrying the boy's body and placing it wherever. Because she's so in love with the governor, she was insanely jealous of Christy so organized her murder, her murder through this insane thing that would never work. But it just so happened that Christy was also into rape and murder fantasy. So that really worked out for Jessica, right?

Yeah, yeah. That was an easy thing she didn't expect to happen. Oh, wow. What a happy accident. Also, again, this 25-year-old woman is in love with this old-ass guy that looks like Sheriff Joe Arapo. Well, you know, he's got a lot of power. Uh-huh, sure. And power is attractive to.

women in bad stories and love is blind throw that in there that is very throw that in your cliched book slash script you're writing if you know what either of those things are so it's like yeah it's that all happens

and like you see Brett Michael's getting out of jail and the like the guard like drops his bag on the ground as he's like going to hand it to him like one final fuck you to this guy and then it cuts to four years later I mean, it's so quick. It's like he grabs his bag and he, like, turns to the camera, puts his arm up like, yeah. It's like the end of a video game.

Yeah. Speaking of fucking Judd Nelson, that's the end of the breakfast club. He's putting his hand in there. So wait, four years, I met him miss the four years later. Well, that's, it's a horse shit. There is a four years later. It's four years later is when we learn that he's just been in jail for four years and it's all in his head.

And he gets executed. Wait, what? Yes. Really? Yeah. What did you miss that part? I was like, oh, well, before we got out of prison. That's good for him.

No, how did you miss this 1990s screenplay twist? I was dying for this, Dan. I mean, I think you were getting up and getting seltzer this week. I was seltzering my mind down. I mean, yeah, so that's the twist. You shouldn't, and like, it's so obvious from the, from the get-go that you shouldn't, it's an unreliable narrative. This is, like, the sixth sense. Almost.

Oh, my goodness. It's just the hackiest shit. And like, here's the thing, then why did I bother watching this? Because like the warden comes over. You'll have to ask Emily. I might have to ask her. So the warden comes over and like the Brett Michaels is like, it was Jessica the whole time, man, blah, blah, blah.

And the warden's like, Jessica, who's Jessica? And I'm like, so why in your fantasy to get yourself off would you invent such an insanely complicated, not-sensical thing with a Lucifer priest and Jessica from the governor's office it should be if you know what it needs to be is like he was in the dad room the whole way so did Brett Michaels do it or not

he did do it I think that's the idea he he raped and killed that woman yeah and there's no I mean who even knows if there was anything with the governor I don't think there was he's fabricating the story for his script slash book he's writing probably weren't even girlfriend

boyfriend. It was probably just like You're my girlfriend now because I'm breaking in. No, exactly. And it's supposed to be like, oh man, how fucking radical an alternative is this? Our main character, our narrator, is just a murderer. Electric guitar solo.

It is the famous final scene, so you would have to drop your nuts on the table and say, look how amazing my writing prowess is. By the way, did I... God damn, you dropped it's nuts. By the way, did I write a script or a book? I can't tell the difference. And I guess it's the thing where it's like

Are you this fucking movie man Are you counting on like post-mortem residuals For family members? Why are you writing this? Yeah, that's a great question He physically has paper in his hand He's written something And he's actually like at the end of the movie You see that he's been reading the book the whole time

Right And like they should throw it on his His corpse as it lights up Oh yeah just burn it And then no one will ever have to hear this dumbass story The guard is even like Yeah no one's gonna publish that book because it's actually a screenplay

and it's really, really bad. I thumbed through it earlier. Wow, I read that screenplay. Only an idiot would make this into a movie. You want to get the sheens? Good luck with that. Man, and then, yeah, and he's just put

to death. And that's the end of the movie. For making this movie, he should be put to death, for real. I mean, yeah, and then just cue Brett Michael's solo music. Cue Brett Michael's as in barbecue? Yeah, cook him up good.

Just like this character. Well, Q, get me out of here! I'm in a Brett Michaels movie! Q, I'm existing in a universe and where Brett Michaels was allowed to write, direct, and star in a film! Damn you! I've learned my lesson, let me go, Q! Data! Have you been fiddling around in this holotech?

Dude, that would be in any, like, make any movie you want. But at the end, it turns out it was on the holodeck the whole time. Grade A twist Ending Oh yeah Listen Nobody would see That shit coming

And that's a movie You could be like Oh did you see that movie Where the twist ending Was they were on the holodeck And someone would be like Yeah I saw that coming a mile away And you'd be like

That person's a fucking liar Just like anyone who tells you Yeah I solved the six cents No you're a fucking liar Nobody saw it coming And nobody sees surprise holodeck coming No way Just a completely unrelated

movie. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Make it a Holocaust drama. Yeah. Wait, wait. Is that, did you not stay for the end credits of Son of Saul?

It's there at the very end. That little kid spots them hiding out in the barn and then he runs away. And then right before they all get caught, it just fades into the black room with yellow lines. And it's like, Mr. Data, have you been running your son of Saul program again? No, it's just Patrick Stewart alone. end program. And a single tear comes down

because he's been moved by the experience. Oh, sure. Data get in here. I'm going to show you how to become human. If you'd like to see humanity, Data, come see the worst of it. Captain, Mustang should have won that year. Oh, man. Would anybody recommend this movie?

No. And you know what, Emily? We're not on good terms. Stop alienating the listeners. No, no, no. Actually, it's a fun... It's fun to talk about. It's a nightmare to watch. Chapter 12, the nightmare.

It might be a nightmare of a podcast. Chapter 12, the fat guys. Chapter 12, the apology. I would... I don't know. I would not. This was painful. This was legitimately painful. So no.

I'm on a seeing as believing total recommend. Oh, wow. Okay. I am. I mean... Well, you're a Brett head, right? Well, oh, big time. You're a rock-a-love t-shirt on right now. Yeah, and he signed one of my eight bandanas I wear. I thought you were going to say teets. He signed one of my eight teets.

I was like, this is weird. No, I don't know. Like, I didn't know what this movie was. We drew it out of a hat, and it was like a letter from death row. Steve said what it was, and I was like, well, that sounds like a train. right and it is of course it's a train way this is barely a movie but my God

when Emily gives you barely a movie you fucking take it and you watch it and you go look at that stupid shit and you know what this is this is proof that this year's listener request month was not rigged no one would allow this to happen because Lord Almighty did we try

Emily we tried we might not have succeeded but we tried that's a letter from throw directed by Marvin Baker and Brett Michaels, although I'm assuming probably more Marvin Baker. Yeah, probably. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website or find us over at sideshownetwork.tv. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Have you seen this movie? I want to know who's seen this movie. And just for fun, let's get hashtag dad room trending. Oh yeah. Yeah, get it

trending, man. Hashtag dad room. It's going to start all sorts of. sorts of conversations. Also, if you saw this movie, I really want to hear if you saw it, like, when it came out. Like 98, you're renting in on video, 99. That's the only way you were seeing it. Yeah, I want to get some, you know, you know, I was going to say theater, but movie rental experiences. It has to be. If you looked at this and passed on it at a blockbuster, I want to know. Because I didn't know this movie existed. Yeah. And sometimes when I find out a movie exists that I didn't know about, it's a great surprise, like Hyder in the house. Yep. Or it's a slap in the face like a letter from death row. So next week on the program, we're going on spring break. That's right. Nightmare Beach. That's right. One of Andrew Jupin's personal fame. Never saw it. Pack your bikini, Steve.

I read it. I got to fetch it out of the dad room. Oh, yeah, dude. That's where I keep all my cool clothes. You could get Bruce Glover to give you a Brazilian before Nightmare Beach hits the screen. This is going to hurt, man. This is a crazy horror movie. Yes. And, hey, if you're curious, check it out. I'll say that, check it out.

Oh, I'm already saying it right now. It's a recommendation. I mean, yeah, I would say it's probably a recommend. I've got a childhood connection to this movie. Yes, you do. As in, I saw it as a child. Wow, what a story. That's why I'm saying it for the outro and not leaving it for next week.

And then a fictional woman murdered you. yeah total twist so until next week when we go to nightmare beach i'm andrew jupin we've already been to nightmare beach i'm steven eric siskar take it easy