We Hate Movies - S6 Ep244: Episode 244 - Dungeons & Dragons

Episode Date: April 5, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang finally wraps up the 2016 Listener Request Month with the sad sack, totally unwanted, fantasy nightmare, Dungeons & Dragons! How much could that castle have cost that Jeremy Irons absolutely needed to do this movie? Is Marlon Wayans' character a time traveler from 1998? And what's with all the ear sucking? PLUS: Can you play D&D as William Petersen's character from Manhunter? Dungeons & Dragons stars Jeremy Irons, Bruce Payne, Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, Thora Birch, and Richard O'Brien; directed by Courtney Solomon.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now, I am sad to say that this is the last week of the 2016 listener request month. Sad? Bummer. No, actually, you know what? I'm feeling pretty good about it. But there were a lot of great calls, a lot of great picks. We had a lot of fun watching these movies. And we are going out with a dud.

This is Dungeons and Dragons. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zeta. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning into the show, as always. This week, Dungeons and Dragons from the year 2000, directed by Courtney Solomon,

director of previews episode What was it? Getaway. Getaway. Getaway. Runaway, getaway. That was Ethan Hawk and a baby and a car? Yes, and the baby's got a gun trained on him the whole time. It's so weird that movie, that baby's just got a gun. Babies got a gun.

While I get that song out of my system, this was requested by Chris from Tennessee. Hey guys, this is Chris from Tennessee. I'm just sending a request for Dungeons and Dragons the movie. After the last witch hunter, I figured you guys used a little bit more D&D.

And everybody loves a crazy overacting Jeremy Irons. So, thanks. I love the show. And I hope you watch it. Chris has got a request. All right, now it's definitely. Please, please. Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, everybody. All right. Dungeons and Dragons. I remember when this movie came out. I projected this movie. This movie opened. You weren't in your mind's eye? No, on a 35-millimeter film projector.

Oh, I thought you had like your box office prognosis website. Yeah, no, I definitely do those. I have to look at that stuff for work. But, no, this was, I was a projectionist running this movie. This movie opened in the smallest theater in our multiplex. Usually the new movies, like, you open them in the bigger houses and then they trickle down to this one. No, no, no, no, no. This one opened in the 60s, cedar, day one.

They were smart. They were predicted in, right? Mm-hmm. Because I went and saw this in theaters. Did you really? I did. What was the impetus for that? Yeah, I was dumb.

You know, when you're young, you make a lot of foolish mistakes. Oh, sure. I think it was just one of the, you know, it was one of those days that's like your parents are like, not today. They drop you off at the movie theater. Get out. There's a lot of that. Enough's enough. See you in seven hours.

Dropping you off at the babysitter. That's how you see the rage. Carrie, too. I definitely saw that on rental. I almost said in theaters. I remember renting it, though. That's probably a stay tuned. I have not seen that. So anyway, what was your initial thoughts coming out of the theater? Was it something like, what am I doing with my life? Kind of, but I never, at least back then, I didn't expect much of my life. I thought you're going to say you didn't expect much of movies. Here's a question. Yes. Is the swords and sorcery genre the most, or the fans of the swords and sorts. The most long-suffering fans in all kinds of movie fandom? Yeah, because they got like, what, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and that's been it? What about the seventh seal? What about it? He's a knight.

So what? There's a casted spells. There's a mystical death guy. Okay, all right. That's the Grim Reaper. You dig up a fucking orc in the seventh seal and I'll go down on you. Well, I better go frame by frame. Eric just left to start his own frame-by-frame seven seal podcast.

But no, like, what else do you got there? I'm trying to crawl. Crawl, yeah. The thing is, the problem with that, you know, it was just a bunch of garbage forever. Yeah. You know, it was just that like, like, shit like this. They don't want to go too hard with it because they don't want to alienate the kitties. Right, right, right.

Got to go hard on it, man. Game of Thrones rebutes that shit. It did. And that's the whole point. It's like, they went hard with it. Lord of the Rings, letting that. freak flag fly and those are really good movies i feel like some of those elves could have been naked though oh yeah like dudes and lady elves you feel like the elves like when everybody

else came into the village the elves were just like oh man got to put our clothes on yeah jackson i'm just letting you know you could have got a little more screen time on dinnerback if you were to let me see some tities on those owls but you know you're you're a 280 year old elf who gives the shit walk around naked man You're a beautiful creature, man and woman. Orlando Bloom, get naked, buddy. Yeah. That racist Gimley, though, I don't want to see him.

Well, that's not... Dwarfs don't get naked. Dwarfs need more clothes. I mean, what else falls into... I'm wearing a diaper underneath my pants. What else falls into this genre? What was that dragon movie we did? Dragon Heart.

That falls... That's another one of these, you know, kind of 90s, and this is kind of 90s. Crap, fantasy swords and whatnot, like first night. Yep. I was thinking, not Dragon Heart, though. What's the other one we did with Matthew McConawha? Oh, Rain of Fire?

That's sci-fi. That's sci-fi. Fantasy element. What a legend. Legend is kind of that. Legend is kind of this. Yeah. And the legend's okay.

Legend's fun. I re-watched it maybe within the last five years. Tim Curry's phenomenal in that movie. Not much else going on. No. Oh, what's the other one there? The never-ending story. Yeah, that falls into this stuff.

I wasn't going to say, a Willow. Willow. The first movie I ever saw in theaters. Really? And I never saw it since. I kind of liked it when I saw it. I saw it a couple times back in the day. I haven't seen it in a long time, though.

So I guess we'll get this out of the way, too. None of us here have ever played Dungeons of Dragons, right? No, no, no, no. The game. Right. Oh, what were you playing? I don't know. Was there ever like a video game?

The sex cabade? Oh, well, that, you guys never played the D&D sex campaign? It's the loneliest sex capade of them all. Your friends are like you in the basement. Yeah, dude, I was imprisoned in a dungeon. You got to jerk your way out. A D&D sex dungeon. If you want to get into that dungeon, I better see your dragons.

You know, the last witch hunter I mentioned rolling a 10, but apparently it's a 20, and I haven't heard the end of it. Yeah, no, and you won't. That's the other thing. You want to know why those people have it so hard because they won't let that go. Well, see, that's the thing is I want to get that out of the way right now. You're going to get some inaccurate information on the D&D world.

But I have a feeling, though, that, like, folks who are, you know, fans of that game, which, listen, I don't care about it. I will never care about it. It's totally cool if you do. But if you're one of those people that likes this game, odds are you probably don't like this movie. Wait, what? This is like a perfect adaptation, I thought, right? I don't know the game.

I just assume this is exactly what. what the game is. Yeah, B for B. Right? Yeah. You know, you do hear those people talk about God damn mages. Being the Marlon Wayne's character and just running around screaming nonstop. Yeah, yeah, they scream

in that game and people wear red cloaks and there's an axe and there's really dwarfish stereotypes in this movie, right? It's like the angry dwarf. It's dwarfast is for sure. I definitely think it is. I mean, the thing is like making a movie about

Dungeons and Dragons that is a game that has no story and no discernible characters is kind of like making a movie about freeze tag you know what I mean

like it's just like freeze tag the movie and it's just like whatever you want you mean it's kind of like making a movie out of battleship saw that shit

in the theater really I still haven't seen it went to see battleship in theaters right and me and the missus are sitting there there's a dude

it's like a mostly empty theater jocingly and there's a dude sitting there he's literally on the edge of his seat like staring at the screen and like the lights go down and like the the trailers start and some lady like two rows in front of this guy is like on her you know iPad or whatever and this guy's like hey movie started movie started and he's like yelling at this lady and then like we're looking and we're watching he was more interesting than the movie this guy's on the edge of his seat like kind of like leaning forward hand On his knees just watching Battleship the movie. Really weird. How many budding cinefiles asked for Battleship Potemkin on Blu-ray for their, like, Christmas or their birthday?

And like their dad just got the battleship. Like, here's your movie. Probably a ton. Yeah. Right into the whole movie's mailbag. The Blu-ray of Battleship Potemkin out from Kino Lorber is a great restoration. I own it. Anyway, so what is this movie about?

We got Jeremy Irons. He's like some kind of wizard. Like already I'm hitting a roadblock. He's a mage. They call him mages. Yeah, and I've got a D&D term in front of me here. He's operating at level negative 20 dignity is what is. That's his specialty.

So mage, they're the people that can do magic or I guess magic. Right. I mean. Hey, I can do some magic for you. Oh, look at these magic trick. First of all, I think Wizard is a slur. They're mages. And apparently, they're a huge part of the population in this world, this kingdom of azim.

Crystal skulls? What is it? Asmere? Ismere? Yeah. And I guess that, you know, again... Hey, kid, I'm a mage. I'm Charles Brunson.

For my next trick, I'm going to make this bottle of whiskey disappear. That's a great D&D character. I don't know why they didn't put that in here. I got a magic spell that will make three holes go in your chest. Boom, boom, boom. You're dead, Jeff Goldblum, rapist. So what else he got about that? What?

So there's mages, right? They're apparently a huge part of the population. It's like our aristocracy. And then there's a bunch of poor people who are like thieves and I guess hedge knights of some sort. Rogues. We're all rogues. Right. And that's our two heroes.

one guy name I can't ever know and snails played by Marlon Wayne right Justin Whalen from Childs Play 3 and he was Jimmy Olson in Lois and Clark the New Adventures of Superman That guy 2 through 4 don't worry about it Not the first season

Oh really? Yeah yeah don't worry Recast Yeah I think he did He was the replacement Yeah he was a replacement Jimmy Olson Fucking scab Dude if you see him at a convention Which I'm sure you will

scream scab at him and for no reason don't even explain it you have to be wearing a t-shirt with the face of the original actor on you fucking scab or Dean Cain's t-shirt

so yeah original wish me at this convention you fucking scab good god well you know we get we get a dragon pretty early on Jeremy Irons is like trying to

like learn and you know this is a sort of like an RPG skill. It's like animal taming. Right. He's trying to control this dragon by holding some sort of rod. It's a scepter. It's

hard and it's in his hands. It's looking great. And this dragon's like kind of curious and he's like walking over. And he's like thinks he has him like this dragon's like chomping at the bit for it. Oh, I've got this dragon right where I want him. Yes, sexy dragon.

Look at my rod dragon. It almost goes to plan, but then the dragon snaps out of it and realizes he doesn't want his rod. And now he's like jumping at him like a Jurassic Park type of thing. And Jeremy Irons decides

to kill him like Luke Kilt the Rancor. Yeah, it's very No, I just I was raising my hand because you the first mention of Star Wars. Sure. This is one of the biggest crimes

about this movie. Yeah. This movie is just trying to be Star Wars with Dragons. Down to, like, the score of this movie totally apes the Imperial March. You have Justin Whalen's character and this other, this mage that he meets, this young woman,

they're definitely doing like a Han and Leah thing, and he's kind of like a mix of a Han and Luke, like, mash-up character. You see that a lot in Star Wars rip-offs. You don't have room for two, so you just mix them all together. Exactly right. And like, it's just, it's outrageous. How, like,

is a sword fight later in this movie between Justin Whalen and Jeremy Irons and every time the swords hit they fucking light up okay? I think George saw this early and used a lot of inspiration from this film for episode one because later on you get Thor

Berchus the Empress at the Opera House or whatever. The politics in this yeah. It's like the Galactic Senate. This is all Nabu! But it came out first. Yeah. Oh, you saw it. He saw it earlier, the early early draft. To be fair, George is in the

no. To be fair, I read that this dude, this Courtney Solomon, or whatever his name is, was trying to get this movie made for a decade. What? He was trying to, like, raise the funds for a decade. Was this in the IMDB trivia, Mother? It sure was, mother. I'm looking at the news right now.

And it's like, the whole, so the story goes, like, he spent 10 years fundraising for the movie. He got, he got the rights from the people who own the card game to do it. Card game. The fucking game. It's cards and shit or some dice.

There's no cards. I think you like write stuff on... Oh, I'm thinking of Magic the Gathering. Yeah. No, this is one they used... Dude, the amount of tweets we're getting right and I can just feel it. Oh, and I'm just...

You know what? You tweet me about that flub right there and you're getting muted because I couldn't care, Les. Oh, no, tweet him about that fluff. Because I know... Mute. I don't even play. Mute. I'm not a D and Deer, but I know they use pencils.

Right? Like, they write down stuff on scraps of paper and then like one of them is the dungeon master and that's the dude that tells the story yeah and you know what we really should have booked we should have booked Vin Diesel and Dame Judy Dench for the show

they could have explained D&D he was uh no but so like the the person who like held the rights or whatever was saying like you should just direct this movie yourself and he was like no I want to try to get a director including again IMDB Francis Ford

Coppola. Oh, wow. Yeah. Can you imagine Francis Ford Coppola's Dungeons and Dragons? It would have to be better. Oh, sure.

I'm not saying it would be good. 80% more wine, that's for sure. Oh, yeah. You know, they should have more wine in this, right? That's what people drink in Elven life. Or mead?

Oh, yeah. I shall have the ceremonial Gabagol sandwich. Just to get on Jeremy. Dragon's tooth Gobogole sandwich. Jeremy Iron's haircut in this movie He's like a Don Draper haircut

What are you doing? You're in the middle age. It's high and tight And I don't get it though Like I just got a pretty good haircut I think And I was watching this movie And I was like

Fucker's got a better haircut than I got Look at that haircut Fucking Mage Did you see that IMDB trivia That was like They asked like Jeremy Like someone asked Jeremy Arns Why he did this film

And he's like Ha I just bought a castle I have to pay for it Yeah totally And I fact check this stuff. He owns a castle? He owns a castle in Ireland.

That's amazing. It's ridiculous. Does that make him a count? I guess. No, you can't just buy property and it comes with a title like that, does it? Is that how that works? Barron? Barron, something's going on.

He's got something cool. Barron Irons. We're American, European listeners. We do not know how your system works. I don't know the fiefdoms over there. Rounding out the cast, you have Bruce Payne as Annie Lennox, I appreciate it. Sweet dreams are made of his fucking glittery blue lipstick in this movie.

Here's my question. And I mean, like, it's fine. He looks like, he looks like a Mortal Kombat character like through and through. Oh, sure. Because he's bald. He's like, a cross-buniform mortal combat character and whatever the fuck they were trying to do in Star Trek Nemesis. Well, I kept thinking he was, um, what's his name from the mummy?

Arnold Voslu for the longest time. That mummy movie was around this time, that first one. I think that was like 99. He's bald. He's got these like spiky shoulder pads and a crazy cape and all this like body, leather body armor. And he's got this lipstick, this silver white lipstick. And I'm curious, is it war paint? Is it the race of character that this guy is?

I'm going to count that one out. What race? The second one? Because he's just a dude. I mean, there's, you got, here's the thing. You got gleep-glops in this movie. There's a fucking gleep-glop canteen scene. Speaking of Ripley's Star Wars.

There's like green people. and purple people eaters? That's why I'm like, are his, is he just like, oh, of the silver-lipped Bargarians or whatever the ever would fuck? Um, everybody knows the Bargarians are silver-tongued. God, sending tweet now. All right. Here's a question.

Why did they hire the guy from Spyro the Dragon to do the effects on this fucking like holy ever-loving shit these dragons look like trash? Mortal Kombat's reptile looked better. He did. Dude, Luke Hang's fucking dragon animality look better, man. This looks like shit. It's so, like, cartoon-y looking, too.

Like, it just, there's no reality. Like, when the gate falls on him, he goes, murp, and dies. And then, like, the blood's fake. Yeah, the blood looks terrible. This movie does a really bad job of going, like, I can, it's weird, I'm torn. On one hand, I can appreciate this,

and on the other hand, it's a bad decision. But, like, they really go hard for the like, it's a computer thing and then we're going to make a quick cut and then we're knee-deep in practical effects. Sure. But the computer effects are so terrible that when they cut to practical effects, it's like night and day. It is. It looks so bad.

There's no middle ground. And like so many of the cityscapes are just complete bitmap shit. It's just such garbage. And it's like, how did that goddamn Dragon Heart movie that came out years before this? That movie's like, what, 96? Yeah. Something like that. Something like that.

Which looks like shit now, but... I mean, this movie, this movie, Dungeons and Dragons, 2000, cost $45 million. Right. I needed a castle. Yeah. I mean, pump some of it into irons. Obviously, you need names for this movie, but also pump money into the thing that's in the title. Yeah.

I mean, these dungeons look great. The dragons, not so much. So, yeah, the dragon blood like trickles down into the water. And I guess dragon blood in water make fire. Only once in this movie. Yep, never again. You know, like somebody's standing in water and you got a little fucking pouch of dragon blood. You're like, hey, cool line, then he burns to death.

That'd be a great end for Bruce Payne. All it would take is just someone to stop and think for two seconds about how to make this movie. That'd be fun. You just feel like they're going off like so half-cock. So it's like, yeah, all right, we're going to rob this magic school or magic store or whatever it is. And then here's this woman. Get out of my magic store This

This mage named Marina The actress is Zoe McClellan She's been on a whole lot of NCIS And JAG I don't know her from anything else I don't watch CBS programming But so she's this like Marina This like mage or like

Mage in training or whatever I mean she is the Princess Leia character In this movie And she's like studying with this old man And you know they get caught break in and whatever and she like kind of just throws this magic rope around them it's another bad this is a bad like it's a computer rope and they cut and it's just a plain old looking rope right but this is like a lassoing and i was wondering now in dungeons and dragons are there any like old

western characters like is there like you know like could you play dungeons and dragons as wild bill hiccock maybe right i feel like that gets you kicked out of the circle right you're the guys like everyone does the little character sheet it's like Like, oh, I'm the 10th level Mage. I'm the fucking dragon guy. And I'm the old Western Prospector.

Dude, I'd be level 007 James Bond. Yeah, like, Andrew, get the fuck out of my room right now. You know what? Get out of the back room of this comic book store right now. Exactly. Just like, no, you're kicked out. I'm an astronaut. Like, get the

fuck out of here. Astronaut. Maybe. You know, like, maybe that, I don't know. Does Dungeons and dragons take place on a different planet that's a possibility it has to do there's no dragons right because Game of Thrones is another planet

hard to be a god is another planet hard to be a god is another planet that's right great movie this you could maybe have a planet of the apes esk astronaut travel to Dungeons and Dragons land yeah you're totally right yes you can tell that to the doorman on the way

out of your out of this fucking game my friend get your dad Damn hands off me, you damn filthy dragon slayer. This neighborhood's been going to shit ever since all those orcs moved in down the street. I better take care of business. That's the Western character. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Bronson. Bronson has spurs on it all times. Yeah, it's just Bronson's character from Once Upon a Time in the West. Yeah. Perfect. It makes complete sense. You got three dragons there. You brought two too many.

So whatever. Gonna paint your dragons. That's what they did with the CGI. Yeah, they did. They did. They wasn't a... Yeah, they M.S. painted their dragon. The credits, there's probably a dragon painter. Probably.

And that dude was just an unpaid intern. Because again, these are terrible. So they were... For some reason, who's the dude with the blue lipstick? Bruce Payne is on the trail. for all of them because they're trying to get a scroll

of something that tells you where it's like a map. It's a map to something that's going to lead you to the infinity gauntlet to the rod.

Here's the thing. The queen has a scepter and she's got a scepter and it's got all sorts of magic shit. And she uses that to control dragons. The queen being yellow dragons. Thorough birch by the way,

I don't know if we specify best. Yes. Who is Queen Amadala in this movie? Pretty much. She's Queen Namadalu. But the thing

the get of this movie is this rod and it's not like the rod of Chromaphilus or the rod of whatever the fuck magic thing it's literally just called the rod and like literally this whole movie is everyone looking to get that rod just trying to get the rod

I just kept laughing thinking about that astronaut episode of The Simpsons hey don't talk bad about the rod uh yeah so uh what's his now see now I ruined it because it's Bruce Payne but I keep going to say Arnold Voslu.

That's going to trip me up. Now, around here he gets the... Oh, wait, no, because they get away. They jump through that portal. Yeah, like, Bruce Payne just really quickly murders this old man by breaking his neck. And I was like, oh, I didn't know it was this kind of... Like, I didn't know this movie was like breaking necks.

Oh, well, that's... Well, he rolled a 20. That's like the highest you can do. Does that mean instant death? I think so. That's like a direct hit, I think. Well, that's the thing. What I know about Dungeons and Dragons.

And everyone is that, like, it's kind of darker, right? Like, the idea is, like, you know, people are murdering each other and blah-bitty, blah, blah, blah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're killing tons of people. You could probably genocide in that game. This movie is for little babies, like, for the most part, right? That's the thing. That's what I thought it was because you have, like, Marlon Wayans as, like, the comedic, you know, levity.

And he's just, like, screaming like a cartoon character through this whole movie. He's goag-gagging the whole time. But then there's shit like this. Old man just getting his head cranked around and, like, people are getting stabbed and shit. There's no gore. And the magic has left his body. But now, now she has these two thieves. Right.

You know, our Jimmy Olson and Marlon Wayans, lassoed, she opens a portal to escape from, what was his name, Bruce Payne? Yeah. Whatever. And they leave, and he's failed, Jeremy Irons. Oh, right. What does Jeremy Irons do to him? Oh, yeah, he needs some, he needs some payback. Gives him a big old brainworm.

Stolen right from Star Trek, the wrath of con. Yeah, everyone's got their nerd kinks. You know what I mean? Mine is getting my balls crunched. I mean, uh, comic books. I meant to say comic books. Oh, comic crunch. But no, what a bad, a bad, you know, look, somebody fucks up at work.

You know, maybe you give them a demerit Or something, you give them a write-up Why would you put a fucking thing in their worm That puts this guy in excruciating pain Throughout the last acts of this movie? Oh, thing in their head? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a thing in their worm And I was like, where is this going?

Well, I don't know, he's kind of a worm. Well, no, I mean, to Steve's point, this dude is like the main heavy. Yeah, and now Jeremy Irons has essentially like debilitated him. Because he's got like, he's got such bad headaches, Jason. and he's screaming about how his fucking head hurts and it's like Jeremy Irons

do you understand like you're sitting here like oh why does he keep failing me because you put a demon in his skull and it's eating his brain and these things like flap out like bunny ears later on it's disturbing he's bleeding through the ears the entire movie the amount of ear trauma in this movie by the way through the roof

yeah no it's it's high up there and it's uncomfortable I can't do ear stuff some people have ear problems right I don't know if that was in the game a lot or not I gave you ear trauma. Blast ear trauma. You have to get tubes in your ears. Well, what was weird, too, is, like, the makeup that they're given on this guy.

Because, by the way, I keep saying Arnold Bossleau, because this dude's also, Bruce Payne's totally bald, like, clean-shaven, you know, cut dude. Yeah. The back of his head is, like, turning, like, red and scaly, and I'm like, is this dude going to turn into a dragon? That's what I kept thinking. That's what you want, right? Yeah. Like, this dude, because they do this thing where, like, the camera gets. like really close to his face and he's like

and his face is turning red and I'm like this dude's just like the skin sack is just going to explode and a dragon's going to pop out. Oh man I'd love it. Like total like alien like a dragon fucking bursts out of this dude's body. Like Jeremy Irons thinks he's the guy and then all of a sudden Gaboosh here comes the big dragon. Yeah. Probably named Gabush. Get him mighty caboosh.

Are you saying you thought Jeremy Irons would be the one to birth the dragon? Oh man. I mean, there should be dragon birth in this movie. They talk about dragon birth for a second. Do they? Yeah. In what capacity? I missed that.

Later in the movie when Justin Whalen wakes up from a dream, he's like, oh. Because he's like, by the way, you've got your classic white guy chosen one. Yes. Let's all stand around and watch him do shit. So everyone in this movie has to watch it to clap with Justin Whalen does something. But he wakes up from the stream. He's like, oh, man, I just had a dream. A dragon was being born.

There was life everywhere. It was beautiful. It was a natural birth. All that dragon got birthed in a blow-up kitty pool in the middle of someone's living room. No, it's just, yeah, you're right. That thing is so out of left field. And this guy's like, oh, he had the dream about birth and a dragon.

He's the chosen one that's going to save, by the way, ripping off Star Wars. He's saving the empire. Yep, the empire all over the dragon. place in this movie well the weird thing i mean to to my point earlier about you know sword and sorcery movies that star wars kind of i mean like yeah lasers and whatever well yeah i think star wars is deaf like it's it's a sci-fi setting setting but it's totally fantasy like all that shit's fantasy that's that's the closest and then in the 80s you got a bunch of like

star wars rip-offs like fucking ice pirates ice pirates whatever but then you also get some bad ass shit man like beast master oh yeah was beast master ripping off stuff Star Wars? No, but that was a... Postmaster's pornography. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But, um, not really, but it is... Not really. It's fantasy and he like can talk to the... It's like Mr. It's like if... It's basically Dr. Doolittle meets Conan the Barbarian. Right, right, right. And it's kind of cool. Rip Torns like Satan.

Yeah, he's like throwing children into fire pits and stuff. It's pretty cool. So then we go to the council. Jeremy Irons is wearing what can only be described as a Lord of the Rings wedding dress that he got off Etsy. Like there's no, like this thing, it's like a white, it's a gown. It's an honest, like for most of the movies wearing this black and red evil outfit. Right. But I guess like he's doing a double character here.

Right. So he's like, oh, I must look good. So here's my wedding dress. You know what it kind of looks like? Uh, the outfit that Rufus has in that second Bill and Ted movie, like just a long gray nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, he looks pretty professional. The Pope's like summer outfit kind of. When the Pope goes to the beach, he puts on what Jeremy Irons has in this movie. So he's like trying to get the council to like, because Thorough Birch is trying to enact legislation that's going to make

everybody equal sound a little, you know, a little, little commie-ish, if you ask me. Oh, yeah. Totally. Do you. Talk about a fucking single issue. candidate. She kind of is in this. Yeah. And she's not, the weird thing is, like, why pay for her? I mean, I know why Jeremy Iron is barely in this movie. It's because it's a real you got me for three days situation. Well, he only bought one castle, not four. But what, why not is, why is Stora Birch so removed from this movie? Like, she's a name at this point. But have you seen her act? Well, in this movie, man, she is terrible. I liked her and stuff. I mean, but this is, this is, it's

the year after American Beauty it's totally possible that this movie was shot and shelved for a while though because she does kind of look younger in this movie than she looks in American Beauty and then Ghost World was like 2001 I don't think she's done anything I've given it a shit about since then I mean she's not

I don't like her fine and stuff but I don't think it was a get getting her in this movie like Marlon Wayans is kind of a bigger deal is a little bit I don't know He starred in Senseless. He did star in Senseless. Actually, funny, he was shooting this movie concurrently with Requiem for a Dream.

That's why it's so slim. But it's funny, though, he's got the same haircut. I think he's even wearing the same earrings in both movies. It'd be cool if there was like a line in Requiem that was a line from Dungeons and Dragons. There was a line in Dungeons and Dragons that was a line from Requiem. Oh, shit, man. Does at any point in Requiem for a Dream, Marlon Wayans, just go, Eh!

I think so. Yeah. That's all he's doing in this movie is fucking screaming like a baby. I will say one thing about Marlon Wands in this movie. He's the only actor in the movie that knows what's being required of him, right or wrong, and is giving it his all. Disagree. Fair enough. No, no, no, no. I agree with you on what you're saying about him. I disagree that he's the only actor. Rocky Harrors Richard O'Brien. Yeah. Who plays like King of the Jewel Thieves or something. Huh? The dude who, like, runs the maze. So let's, let's fast forward a little bit.

There's a maze in this movie? Oh, Jesus Christ. They go fast forward. They're trying to get this goddamn map, but they've got to get this dragon eye. It's a jewel. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, the guy that runs what seems like,

to me, kind of like the house of the undying. Oh, right? Yeah. Game of Thrones fans. Oh, I don't know what you're talking about. Anyway, continue. Well, no, that dude, that dude gets what this movie. movie is he gets how stupid this movie is but he's like you know what I'm a professional I'm gonna like

keep it to a level like Jeremy Irons is in the cinematic stratosphere as far as the hamitude is concerned in this movie like he's clearly not giving a shit and he's just being as ridiculous as possible richard O'Brien's like you know what I don't get a lot of chances to be in movies I'm gonna like kind of play it right down the middle like I'm gonna try I'm not gonna try too hard and it actually comes off as like a real character so much so that it's jarring like they get to him and it's jarring because you're like this isn't in this movie

world like shouldn't you be like dancing and screaming and acting like an idiot like everyone else yeah they get there and the whole thing is like oh you'll you have to go through my maze to get this thing you get the thing you want but no one's ever survived in it before and the thing about killer mazes to me anyway

is like if I really don't want someone to be in my maze and be fucking around in my maze and getting the jewels that at the end of it. I'm like, all right, go through that narrow pathway, and that's the killer maze that's going to do it. And that's the room where I have the big Colombian guy with a shotgun that, like, you walk in and shoot you the back

of the head. In fantasy terms, that's a minotar. You just trample. Yeah, I mean, like, or a guy with a bow and arrow or whatever. Like, like, just shoots you the back of the head. Crossbow. When you think you're about to walk into, you get Joe Pescied. Every time you go. That's my fucking. That's

all right, Joe Pesci. You want to get made. You have to go the secret maze that's going to get you to the thing. But I don't think it's that Richard O'Brien doesn't want him in there. It's that Richard O'Brien knows how hard the maze is to beat. And he's been waiting around for someone else to do it. Because, of course, this fucking son of a bitch goes in. Right, because he wants the dragon eye or whatever. So, like, our hero goes in.

He gets this dragon eye ruby thing. But this fucking maze, dude, is a carbon copy, practically, of Indiana Jones in the last crusade. Yeah, 100%. Because it's like, yeah, there's like, It's like, you know, there's like floors that give out or shoot arrows and shit. There's guillotine. Oh, in Latin, dragon is spelled with an eye. Only the penitent palatinal pass.

The penitent palatinal pass. There's so much that shit. There's even the Temple of Doom Room where the spikes come down from the walls. Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. And the way he beats this maze is so fucking stupid. It's like he smashes shit until it works. like he breaks like an hourglass and suddenly everything works and I'm sorry that I forgot that there was a maze in this before

I didn't know it was called the maze because this shit is garbage you're right though it's not really a maze as much as it is kind of just like a dangerous obstacle course obstacle course is the way you would call it a gauntlet yeah oh a gauntlet of course right there's a line around here that I don't want to miss so like the team is basically Justin Whalen as our Luke's Skywalker, Han Solo. Then you have this lady Marina. You have Marlon Wayans. Then you've got this short little dwarf guy. Or 2D2. Pretty much, right? Kind of Chewbac-esque a bit. I think, yeah, more Chewbacca, because all he does is get angry and smash things.

Well, there's a part in when they're like walking through this like bizarre to get to the guy, to get to Richard O'Brien's character, Silas or whatever. And like the woman is like looking at. like a you know tapestry or something like that and he's like hey if i ain't drinking you ain't shopping and then he like drags this woman and then like justin whalen like sees her like sit bad do a pass on this movie well it's great because then like she falls back in line walking with them and he turns around like our hero of the movie and he's like hey why aren't you shopping right now it's like what the fuck is with all this shopping well you know it's just one of the those digs at being a woman, which were very popular at the time.

Do anyone notice who played this Little Dwarf? No, I did not. He's done a couple episodes of Seinfeld. He played What's his face? Oh, is it the guy that Jerry accidentally slams his hands in the car door? Yes, it's that guy who also from the parking space

who gives my favorite line in all of Seinfeld is, man, that Michael Jordan's so phony. Why'd you tell him? That's funny because I thought it was that guy And then I didn't look it up And he also did a bunch of Pirates of the Caribbean stuff That guy's do it just okay

He's that guy, yeah, he's totally good So we beat this maze He gets the jewel Then Richard O'Brien's like Well I'm gonna steal it from you now Kind of a thing And then of course Bruce Payne shows up

The entire Crimson Guard We get our first dull fight scene Of the movie basically It's so fucking boring. It's so boring. And you're sitting there like, all right, you got swords, you got monsters, there's fire floating around, there's danger at all turns. Spells and shit, throw something, put somebody into something.

But it's so fucking boring. So it's accurate to the game. Sounds pretty cool. Sometime around here is when they're like, they're like, oh, is it that person or whatever? And the guy's like, I don't know. And then this dwarf character just goes, he's got a, they all look the same to me line. in this movie. Oh, right up against elves, right? Yeah, when all these elves show up,

he's like, oh, they all look the same to me. There's that, and then, like, he also says his other line where he's like, you don't want a skinny elf, you want a big dwarf where you got something to hold on to. And this guy's really like, thrusting with his hips. And I'm like, I've got dumb babies here because I'm watching Dungeons and Dragons. They've got to learn

how it goes. The thrusting? The thrusting, yeah. You got to learn. But this is another character, I guess, an elf. Right, she, she, it's revealed a little later that she's working for Thorough Birch, right? Right, she's like private security or something. She's like Blackwater on a mission or something.

Because they sort of paint her to be evil at first. Right. You think she's a bad guy. Then she makes a phone call and Thorough Birch picks up. She picks up the magic phone. She literally, she FaceTives. She picks up, I don't know what, and it starts, it's like a phone. Yeah, it's really weird.

And then all of a sudden her face. is on the magic mirror in Thora Birch's layer and their chin face to face. This elf security guard character has basically like

the bad version of a Captain Fasma costume. I mean, this is some breastplate armor. What in the world is going on here? It's outrageous. This thing looks like a fucking cupcake tin.

It's ridiculous. How is that strategic? you can all, why would you need that at all? Like, oh, in case the women need to bake something. Just like. You can get some couple of bun cakes. And that's the funny thing you say, but this movie is pretty monstrously misogynistic. A, her costume.

And B, like, they set up, what's her name, Marion or whatever the ladies. Oh, Marina, I think it is. Marina is her name to be this great magician. And she does jack all shit throughout this entire movie. Yeah, it's like, it's at the beginning. It's a bit of a bit of a. Mary Sue is the thing. Yeah, yeah, I would say so.

Like, I never saw him get good at swordsmanship. I know, that's true. I kind of don't see him be good either. It just works out for him. This whole idea that they like really don't spend any time trying to set up that he's like this chosen one or whatever. And like, nothing he does is really like the one-esque. No.

You know, he does succeed and he does, you know, save the day. But it's all through, like, just bare-knuckle boxing and sword-fighting. The number one and only requirement to be the chosen one in a movie is to be a white guy in moderately good shape. With kind of floppy hair. If you're all righty hair, you're doing it all right. He's great, especially for adventuring. Yeah. So if you flip that shit to the left, you're on an adventure.

He's also racist. Yeah, that's true. He's constantly going like fucking mages. These fucking mages everywhere taking my jobs, but-deckabar. Later on towards the end of the movie, I mean, It's because the mages are the 1% And I get it, buddy But he comes across a mage skeleton

Like a dead old wizard skeleton Right And he's just like About time a mage got something they deserved And he's free to say there this moment Because no one else is around That's true Yeah

This one's just for me Yeah he's putting that on Facebook I got something to talk about On Facebook about their mages I got a racist mage meme so whatever man hey snails you block me on facebook speaking of snails so

Bruce Payne steals this fucking dragon amulet away from them so they decide they're going to break into his stronghold well he kidnaps Marina and then like weirdly like ear weirds her all I can say is weird is a verb here his ear thing there's ear sucking

there's ear sucking and fucking I don't know what it's so bizarre because like his his little his ear things they're like ten tentacles that come out of his ears. He rolls a hentai, and suddenly these two tentacles shoot out of his ears and start, like, penetrating her ears? Yeah. He's getting somebody off is all the same.

Because he says, like, if you're not going to give me this information, I'm going to suck it out of you. And these little suction cups go onto her ears, and she's, like, screaming. And he's like, oh, you know, it's, you needed for what? Oh, to do this. Oh, this is great information. And she's like, stop sucking on my ears. This is sort of like Star Trek nemesis. It is.

I mean, this is also before Star Trek nemesis, right? Is it a year or two? Yeah, that's true. But that one also has a mind rapes. It does, and it's got a pointy little shoulder things. That's right. Oh, yeah, shoulder things. So they break it to save her.

And again, I don't know what kind of movie this is. I can't tell if it's a kid movie. or not. And then right before they go in, Justin Willen goes to Marlon Wayans and he's like, hey, snails, be careful. I'm like, oh, he's dead. Oh, sure. Now, and now, because we're going to get to the, you know, the death

of Marlon Wayans is coming up in this movie. I want to talk about this character for a second. This character doesn't fit in the rest of this movie. No, of course not. Like, this is supposed to be a middle ages-esque whatever. And Marlon Wayans is very anachronistic. A couple examples I can give are

he's going up to this like the lady elf and he's like so girl are you single and i'm like you're talking about being single what are you even doing like and then there's another part where he's about to cast like a little tiny spell or he's got something that he does and he goes oh just get a little bit of black magic in here i'm like black like making black jokes what is this movie like i think marlin wanes is supposed to be a time traveler that's pretty cool that's like the bridge between sci-fine fantasy

if it just turned out that he was from like the year 1998 is that that's a Martin Lawrence movie I think Black Knight The Black Knight That's a possible stay tuned FYI Black Knight

I have not seen it Oh he like falls into a moat at like a mini golf course or something and then like he wakes up in middle ages times for some reason That's pretty awesome. It is pretty awesome. I'm sure that there's at least like David Warner or somebody's and they're like,

Oh, Black Knight, you can't do that? Yeah, probably. It's kind of like Peter O'Toole and King Ralph. Yeah, we're a Supergirl. Oh, don't be, oh, you can't eat that without your finger. Oh, no. Oh, Black Knight, no. No, so he like breaks into.

Bruce Payne's like dressing room You get the ambulance I'll get the girl Sure Oh so you want me to go up against The big heavy bad guy Yeah do the more dangerous job Only black guy in the movie

Got it Oh the guy with the earworms It can fucking suck the whatever out of you You got like you know He's like eight feet tall sure Sure I'll do that You go take over those two Really anonymous henchmen

I'm sure that'll be really difficult To get Maid Marion or whatever the fuck These henchmen have had three lines between the two of them the entire movie. So this is another instance. This is great. This is the seat. It's kind of my favorite thing in the movie. Marlon Wayne's swimming around

in a tub of hummus. It's so dumb. It's a quicksand carpet. He's like, oh, there's the thing. I'll have to do is get it after like four minutes of vamping around this guy's office. Yeah, he's like going through. He's like picking up this dude's underwear. It's probably

a thing where the director was like, all right, Marlon, here's the room, just go nuts in it. Do whatever you want, Marlin. Just vamp. We're just going to get it all. Have some fun. It's all gold, Marlon. We got the day.

We're ahead of schedule because everything's terrible. So, like, we actually had all this time for special effects. Fuck it, Marlon. You go do you. Just do it for 15 minutes and then wind up in that giant bowl of oatmeal. Well, that's another example of, like... Maybe you pulled out a red flag. The computers, like the computer effects not jiving with the practical effects.

because he's standing on this carpet and it's a security it's like there's an enchantment over it he starts like sinking into this carpet and then like Bruce Payne comes in and he's like need a hand and it cuts and then Marlon Wayans is just like flopping around

in this hummus pool it's so stupid he should have pulled them out with his ear tentacles I don't think he wants pressure on those because remember through this entire movie Oh they're just for sucking? Yeah it's just for sucking

because Bruce Payne's got a really bad headache through this whole movie. Whatever this unspecified thing is that Jeremy Irons did to him, it's eating his brain from the inside out. So, you know, it's actually kind of impressive that Bruce Payne's character still manages to do all this with his brain being easy. He's pretty successful. Like, a migraine, I'm out.

I'm calling out for the day, man. Totally. That's food for thought. So he pulls him out or whatever, and he puts a knife to him and then, like, they go out to of field and like just in time Justin Whelan beats the two like 70 year old henchmen and it's like oh man that was so much more difficult

than stealing that fucking bejeweled thing that is clearly being guarded by the bad guy dude those two henchmen were like a day away from retirement of peace and Justin Whelan just gets them good but then it's like it kind of cuts to what appears to be like a scene out of Highlander they're like outside it's kind of

like I guess this dude's backyard but it's like overlooking the ocean it looks really cool and they're like about to do battle. Sorry, just the, this is my backyard. He's just got a bunch of picnic tables,

a couple of kids hanging out. There's a white picket fence. Oh, no. Don't take this into my backyard. The swing set isn't finished. We don't bring our families into this. My children are out there.

So it's like Justin Whalen comes out just in the nick of time to save Marlon Wayans, or so you think. And this dude just kind of like runs him through and throws his body off a cliff and I'm like I keep thinking this movie's

for kids but like that's pretty brutal and it happens a couple of times where it's like he's got him by the throat and he's like oh give me the something or other I think it's the map or some horse shit he's like give me one of those things and I'll let your friend go is like alright alright here you

go and he just fucking kills him and it's like yeah chosen one my ass pal this guy is a terrible hero meanwhile the woman that can shoot fucking force lighting out of her fingertips. Yeah. It's just sitting there like, oh, I got kid now. Oh, save me, kid from Childs Play 3.

Save me. You fucking scab! So, like, they fight. He gets stabbed in the shoulder and she like kind of teleports them out of there, which obviously where was that fucking wormhole four minutes ago when poor Marlon Wayans

was getting murdered. They have this party with the elf of the dwarf and like, they go inside the cat. And the dwarf's like, let's go in there and fight. And she's like, no, no, no. You better not be shopping in there, wench. He's like, no, no, no. She's like, no, no, no, no, they have to do it themselves.

Oh, yeah. It's an awkward cut because, you know, there's like three minutes of other dialogue. And she's like, that's enough. You get it. That's another bullshit thing in this movie. She's like, no, no, no, no. Battle-ready dwarf. They have to do this on their own.

And I'm like, why? for what reason the more the merrier get in there and fucking jailbreak these people come on makes no sense but around this time we also get a cut back to the opera house that's like the Galactic Senate

oh this ongoing debate with these people this is where like Jeremy Irons is rallying like the the mage nobility to basically throw a coup and and there's there's going to be a war right between

I'm tired of this baby be president. Yeah, it is a baby president, and she's got the scepter that controls the yellow dragons, and all these dudes are like in red cloaks being like, well, we're team red dragon. Right.

And I don't know what that means. And then he's like, be prepared. Well, you know, it's, you know, I was so happy when this scene came around because I was like, finally, a scene that will go down in motion picture history when two great actors,

Like Jeremy Irons and Thorough Birch can face off. Just going at it together. With just some snappy-ass dialogue. This is like Pacino and De Niro, finally getting together. Totally, dude. It's that diner scene from Heat. I've been waiting for it my whole fucking life. No way is this in a movie, man.

Because it's like, it's so ridiculous because it's Jeremy Irons like, oh, and another thing, this, that, and you, your little girl. And then she's just like, I refuse. to get involved with this for I am for peace and the yellow dragons. That another thing about the red dragons, you'll rule the day. Red

dragons. Lolita. I saw that movie and I didn't appreciate the way you tricked that girl, Humberd, Humbert. It'd be great if at the end of this movie they keep talking about Red Dragons if fucking Tom Noonan show up. If Tom Noonan and Ray Fines

come out and the Red Dragon can start like just fucking killing people. Double red dragon? I love it. Right? If it's just regular yellow dragons and then just those serial

killers from serial killers from the Hannibalverse come through the portal. I mean, I guess they're the same character. Yeah. Altered it timelines. Altered timelines.

Yeah. We can get into timelines. Yeah. Why not? Sure. Crossing universes, whatever. That woman opened a wormhole. whole. All bets are all. They did that in the game, right? There's probably wormholes and shit. So you're at level 12

Magee. Yeah, I'm William Peterson from Manhunter. Did you just get the fuck out of here, please? I've got really high shorts. We know that if you're going to play as World Graham, you have to play as Edward Norton in the remake. No, no, William Peterson. Well, no, serious

question. Like, you can just make a paladin or whatever character. And you can just name him William Peterson, right? I mean, there's no law against that. There's no law against it. Here's my mage, William Peterson. You just can't pull a gun or a notebook or whatever the fuck. He's a retired, a violently retired, a criminal pathologist.

The way we would play Dungeons and Dragons reminds me of the way Michael Scott does his improv classes on the office. where it's Steve Krell just being like, I know, I've got a gun. He's got a gun. He's down on the ground. Yep. Absolutely. Dude, I'd have,

I've got a gun every time. I'm a level five. I've got a gun. But I don't, you know, I think they keep track of your inventory and stuff, you know, like you,

I guess you get given like, I don't know, a bit of wood or like a rusty old sword. Right? And you work your way up, you get those XP points. Or a copy of the tatler. right?

So, I don't know, this guy's going in a cave for some reason. He wakes up and like Tom Baker, speaking of fandoms that I'm not really fluent in, one of the Doctor Who's plays like the head elf or whatever. Oh, right. I forgot about this scene. He heals him. They're like, oh, he's going to die. He's like, oh, I have all the space magic. Oh, this is where the, you saw a baby dragon being born thing happens. This is also a great moment happens where it's just, like, how were you able to heal him like that? You majors use magic.

Our selves are magic people. We fucking make it rain. Yeah. IP magic. But this is where, and this is again, it's another thing that's just, it's, it's dropped into this movie and it doesn't mean anything because they don't do anything with it. But Doctor Who's like, hey man. Did you know that all the magic that you guys do exists in this world because of dragons?

So the amount of magic in the world is directly related to how many dragons are on Earth. And they say something about like, well, what happens when all the dragons die off? And Doctor Who's like, I don't want to imagine a world without magic. And I'm like, oh, my God, how is this not a cool 85? minutes. It's just like Game of Thrones. Is that right? That's what Dragon's do in that world. Yeah, it's like magic is waking up again.

Oh, God. Yeah, the first book must have been out already, right? Yeah, like 96. Oh, wow. Somebody's cribbing some Martin. There's someone steal from me. It's my inaccurate George R.R. He's going to get some heavy pipe-hitting motherfuckers from Bayonne

that are going to break their legs. That's true. He is from Bayonne, New Jersey. He didn't get that fisherman's cap for nothing, dude. Man, that guy is just like the least Jersey dude ever. It's awesome. So they're like... Yeah, he's going to eat a submarine sandwich. You say he's Jersey or not.

That dude could eat himself a submarine sandwich. Any Jersey boy worth his salt can eat a submarine sandwich. One bite. So there's this great scene that is horribly sound mixed, where it's like her and him, Marion and Justin Waylon and they're like, budding romance, but now, like, it's right after Marlon Wayne's dies and it's your classic

hero Fork in the Road, I don't want to do this anymore. Sure. And he starts spouting off some racist shit about mages. And he's like, you mage! You fucking mage! You stupid fucking mage! And she's like, oh, okay, my family, my dad's a mage. I don't know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's this shit. But there's also, like,

I guess it's supposed to be, like, wild sound of, like, the elf village. But it's like, You can barely hear them in this scene And they're having this like blowout dramatic scene She's fucking screaming at him And he's like Trying to give it right back It's amazing

It's awful And he gets his groove back They make out And he's like all right I'm going to go Get the I have the red dragon eyeball I'm going to get the Red Dragon play set

Got to Tom Noon's house He's he's fucking with Joe Allen and that blind blind Joan Allen. Hey, Courtney Solomon, doing the

sound mix for this dramatic scene you have here. Are you sure you don't want me to

turn down the effect of owls fucking? Because my God, it's everywhere. Second question,

how do you have this much wild sound of owls fucking? No reason. Yeah. So he

goes in there and he runs a foul of a scary Skellington. Well, this is after he's gone through like the Tigers Cave from Aladdin because like he puts this white Aladdin

to be fair. He is because he fucking puts like the jewel in this eyeball socket that this like you know statue has or whatever and this door opens and it's this like room of treasure and he's like looking around and he's like thinking like oh geez I wish fucking

Marlon Wayne could be here to see this. Oh man I wish I could be stealing all this shit right now and I'm like just get on with it grow as a character already stop drooling over treasure he turns into fucking a boo he picks it up he's like no that's over now he does put it down oh does it yeah he realizes he's rich enough because at this point in the film he is wearing three belts wow you're really scared those pants are going to come down fatty he wept for there were no more belts to wear.

Eric, I'm just looking at your character issue. Why does your character have four belts on? Nobody else is mentioning belts. It's supposed to be magic skills, charisma points. I accessorize. My magical characters have accessories. Well, you know, egg on your face when your level whatever, mage, his pants fall down. Now of these belts.

Now are these belts. There's a part in this where like, I guess this kid realizes like what he's got to do or what's going to happen. But all that's conveyed to me as an angry audience member watching this movie 16 years after it came out is he's just staring at this painting of dragons while music plays for an inappropriate length of time. It's forever. And I'm sitting there like, all right, maybe this thing's going to be going to. going to become like animated and tell a story? It's not even a good painting. No.

Do something that makes it look like a painting. This is like, this is Bush League shit. This is terrible art. This doesn't, like I understand like a character getting into a scenario like that, looking at like a gorgeous oil painting depicting a war or whatever. Right, right, right. Oh, this is history. You know, I've never seen it depicted because we don't have books because we live in shit.

Right. But it looks terrible. How would you feel if I told you that in the end credits of this movie, it says Dragon Scenescape provided by Santa Brabara Children's Hospital. About the same. It wasn't painted by dying kids, but I'm just saying you never know who's making these things. Well, you know what?

It looks like it's painted by nine kids. I wouldn't fully invest in painting dragons either if I was done. You get what you paid for. It seems like a dying kid painted this. Well, you're right. So this Skellington comes alive and he basically just does the last crusade thing. It's like, I've been here for a time immemorial

for someone to be worthy to blah-bidi-blah. You look white enough. Why don't you go grab it? And it's like this, he finally gets the rod, which is what we've been talking about. Oh, this fucking rod. The rod is cursed. And anyone who gets it will have a terrible curse

laid on their head. But it comes with a free Frogerd. The Frogerd is also cursed. See here, you got your rod set to evil. So the last act of this movie, right? It's a dragon war. It's a dragon war. It's pretty terrible. Oh, the terribleist. So Thorough Birch is like laying siege on the capital with all of her yellow dragons. Sure. Why not? And then one of them

gets shot and impaled by like, A church steeple, that's pretty fucking funny. Right, yeah, yeah. That was pretty fucking great, actually. That was one of the things that's kind of a star. It gets like an arrow and then it falls and impales itself. But it looks like when fucking Luchang falls into that pit in Mortal Kombat, too, and there's spikes everywhere. Yeah.

It looks like 16-bit horse hockey. But the thing is like, there's one dragon casualty. And now she's winning the war by a country mile. Yeah. And then suddenly she's like, oh. What have I frots? Yeah, she does have a what have I done line. And then she brings, she's like, oh, dragons come back to me.

What are doing all sorts of those busy work here? Well, that's this dude. Yeah, exactly. Like, dude, you killed 150,000 people today with your lovely dragons. One of those fucking dragons, heaven forbid. Bruce Payne gets the rod. How do you get that rod again? He wanted it.

Uh, no, he gets the rod by, uh, I guess he kidnaps Marion again, I think. Oh, sure. Why not? This fucking gullible idiot's like, all right, you let her go and I'll give you the rod that I just got, um, because I'm the chosen one of my got floppy hair. And he's like, all right, dude. I got four fucking belts, man. I got to be the chosen one. Oh, no, look out now. Chuckie's coming. You can, all right, you could take three of my belts and the. Rod, and my lunch money. So he takes out his lunch money, he takes off three of his four belts, and the rod.

He gives it to this dude, and this dude's like, like he's going to kill them anyway or something. Yeah, I guess he teleports to go to Jeremy Irons and win the war because he's got all the red dragons now. Well, you've got the rod that controls the red dragons, and now the red dragons are showing up. Yeah, and then I think, I believe, with the rod and the separate. He can form a double-ended situation that can penetrate the walls of the magical realm, I think, is the idea. Speaking of Requiem, ass-to-ass. Totally, dude. It's the dungeon and dragons ass-to-ass sequence we've all been waiting for.

And then now these red dragons are being controlled by Jeremy Irons fighting these yellow dragons controlled by Thorpe, I don't know where this part happened. I don't know if you guys caught it. It's a blink and you miss it. But Thor Birch is riding around in a Santa Claus. Slend Not like commanding this battle Dude, it's amazing Because there's one point

Where she's like Looking at all these dragons And she does like A cartoon character Whistling for a New York City cab I didn't blink and miss this by the way What? I don't know what this part

Oh no she like She makes eye contact With one of her dragons And it's like hey Get over here And then the dragon's like You got it And swings around

And she like Is fucking flying behind this thing or riding it with like a sleigh or something and then the dragon turns the meter on I mean he is a yellow dragon yeah no and at one point she's just

out there like it's kind of like a it's not it's not she's not sitting it's a it's standing like a Ben Hurry kind of thing yeah and this dragon is just like you're a boss and like just and she's not contributing anything extra by being out there

nothing at all and she The dragons know what to do We just win the fight They just see other color dragon And kill them Hey, we're the yellow dragons See, this is our side of the street Will

Do you want to know how it is You're gonna beat the red dragon I have a couple tips for you will Okay, dungeon master My character needs to go to the Baltimore Mental Correctional facility He needs to get some A training

We told you already Steve You can't do that unless you roll a 17. So what happened? She just gets off her chariot at the same tower that Jeremy Irons is and they confront each other?

Sort of, right? Justin Whalen beats Bruce Payne. All right, that's a classic scene. Jeremy Irons. Guys, today we're filming the most important scene in all of the Dungeons and Dragons movie. I think he comes back for the sequel, by the way,

Bruce Payne. Someone told me that on Twitter and I was like, you can keep it. I'm never going to find that out myself. By the way, there are things. three movies. Hachimachi. Crazy. You know what that is? That's like after all the Lord of the Rings stuff happens. It's like, yep, there's a market for these

things. Like, holy shit. Why not just do Dungeons and Dragons call in something else? The fact that the one released in 2012 puts a big fat three on it. It's like, what are you doing? Don't connect it to this. No one's keeping track. You don't want to be. That's a bad

move. Also, doesn't Bruce Payne get murdered in this movie? He sure does. But does what does his, is a tentacle Samham or something? He gets cured. And then he just kind of gets body slammed off the tower, right? Yeah, off the top turnpuzzle tower.

This one's for snails and my floppy hair. And he gets sent off. Yeah. He also... Give me back my belt, you big jerk. He's also impaled, though. Like, Justin Whalen runs this dude through.

And he goes for snails. And then, like, pushes him. And it's like... Sionara. You fucking mage, I'm going to put your picture on Facebook. You fucking blue-lit mage, piece of shit. He pisses off the tower on his body. I got a bunch of graphs.

I'm going to put on Facebook as to why you're a fucking danger to our country, you fucking mage. You're a barely putting up with this week. You. Oh, I'm LMA-Oing at that. Raffle copter Raffle copter My raffle copter Go do

Do we go on It'd be great if he escaped This movie in a Rafflecopter That would be better graphics Just Iski art or whatever Fuck

So Oh then Whalen and Irons go at And he's like You boy And he's like I'm gonna turn into a snake Wait which Disney movie are we in Oh crap

It's too late. And he goes, here you go, your majesty. He starts doing this dark magic man and he summons a skeleton. He does. Yeah, I don't know where this thing is a little cool, like, it's kind of the best special effect in the movie. I like that guy. I think it's like Yoshi's skeleton. It is.

It just like jumps out. And like jumps on Thor is it on Thorough Berger's back? And it's like fucking bite nerd? Yeah, it's pretty sick. It's like, where was that gimmick an hour and 20 minutes ago? And I think both the elf and the dwarf are still outside the castle. No, no, no, no, no. They got to do this part by the room.

Just hang back. Hang back. They got to do this all on their own. They don't worry, buddy. You're getting paid no matter what. It doesn't matter what you do in a movie so long as you're in a movie. So Jeremy Irons gets the shit beat out of them and also thrown over this tower. Oh, no, that's right.

Oh, you're right. He does get eaten by a dragon. Well, this idiot, he grabbed, he finally grabs. He said, now I got the dragon scepter. I'm going to control red dragons. Yeah. It's like, what are you doing? Those dragons, who listen to you, boy?

And he like, he was like, oh, no, it's too much power for anybody. You got to destroy this stupid thing. And I'm like, you fucking idiot. Yeah. There goes your goddamn. You could be president. You can be dragon president, man. Let's get it was an inch away from being dragon president.

He fucked it up. I would love to be dragon president. Oh, man, I lost that. I'll be a dragon president. Now my career in dragon politics is over. I'm sunk. Mom, give me another belt. I've got to do five fucking belts today, stupid dragons.

So a yellow dragon comes out of nowhere and just chomps and swallows him. And now Jeremy Irons is like dragon shit. Now I'm going to come out of this dragon's penis. powerful than before. They should have filmed that scene. He's like coming out of the ass. Oh, sure, dude. It'd be like Ace Ventura 2 where he pops out of that fake rhinoceros.

No, it's like, he goes in there and Bruce Payne's like reading a book and he's like, what are you? Oh, don't even ask. And like a nice iris out and credits. I would love it. Not one word. Yeah, that's the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, uh, and then, uh, what was this?

name, Porky the Pig can say that's all, folks. So Jeremy Irons is dead. And that's really, you think, like, the end of the movie, they're doing a lot of, like, high angle, like, looking down at this tower, this shitty Imperial March music rip-off shit is playing.

And you're like, this is the end of the movie. Here it comes. Cut to, like, a cemetery. And here's our hero. And it's like, I'm thinking, like, here comes the credits. No, no, no, no. We got to stop everything.

this protagonist stares literally at a pile of rocks for five minutes. Question, did anyone get a good look at this leather jacket? Yeah, it's pretty intense. It's got buckles upon buckles.

It's like a biker pirate. That's what this dude looks like. I think it's made of belts. Wait, jackets made a belts. What do you think about that? That's stupid. The best part is he's like, oh, man, snails.

they gave me, they're going to, yes, you're going to make me a night. But you hear all that fanfare, it's all for you, snails. And it's like, not really. It's like, nobody knows to this guy. This guy died 20 minutes before the fucking climax. No, none of those dudes playing the fanfare know who snails is. And what the fuck happens next? Like, the elf is like, what if I told you you could see snails again?

Well, that's what's horseshit is like the elf comes out and she's like, hey, hey, you want to be in more than one movie because this is going to happen and so like here's this breastplate mold was pretty expensive they got to use it again no like he's no I'm going to use it

he's staring at this pile of rocks and like the top rock says snails on it wow what a fucking beggars funeral well I guess it's because you're not recovering that body he got thrown into the ocean but I mean if he's so special

like give him a nice limestone something A pile of shit rocks Well, maybe it's temporary, dude I don't think the dust is settled After that dragon war But what's ridiculous is he's He's dead Yeah

I saw him die Don't tell me it didn't happen I saw it happen But They all They all instantly die in this scene Did you guys pick up on there Well it all turn like

They're like Let's go see snails now They all turn into like Fairy dust Here's what happens The top rock says snails on it. And the elf comes up and she's like, hey, sequel time, bitches. And the name snails like melts off the rock and turns into like fairy dust or something shit.

And then this lady with her fucking huge breastplate is just like, hey, your friends waiting for you. And then like. In heaven. And then they all explode into fairy dust and they fly away in the wind. They travel to the other side. dude. Here's your fucking seven seal shit. You're right.

Oh man, I'm gonna be in a fucking seven seal part two, not even judges the dragon part two because that movie was stupid.

Dude, he challenges death to a belt buckling competition. Hey, when he belts, you got death none.

It's just a rope, stupid. The way I read that ending is they're all dead. It's a fair reading. No, no, no, no, no. They're just going to, wow, whatever you would call it, another realm. Barron Wains doesn't come back. I kind of expected a ghost like, come on and follow me.

But like, I feel like just he was in the middle of like that prison in Florida or whatever the fuck happens at the end of record for a dream. Like, yeah, no, he can't come back. Well, that's, I was kind of waiting for that too. I was like, man, they're going to resurrect this son of a bitch and I'm going to be really pissed off. It's a little extraordinary gentleman time. Yeah, yeah, you're totally right. Yeah. No, no, no, no. we just get sucked into a nether realm

the most audacious sequel set up in the history of cinema it's up there it's not I don't know I feel like Mario Brothers still has a beat well because Mario Brothers does only because nothing ever came of it yeah this had garbage sci-fi channel direct to DVD sequels

but they had nothing to do with this basically well you're saying that Bruce Payne's in one of them though I think so that's what no that's what someone else said too is he is he reprising his classic role as Damadar or is he Or is he reprising his classic role as that racist guy in Passenger 57? Oh, that's right!

That movie's like, like, it's just diehard on a plane. And then towards the middle it gets racist. And you're like, why? For no reason. Other than Wesley Snipes is the hero of the movie. Oh, yikes, man. Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes this movie. You guys, we did a lottery system.

Nobody did us any favors this month. I'll be quite honest. You all get a D from Steve. No. No, disagree. D for this for Dungeons and Dragons. I had a great time with Nightmare Beach, man. That's a movie that I'll probably watch again before I go to my grave.

You know, this movie had it coming. It did. It would have been an episode eventually. It's such a shit show. Totally. Antitrust. We'll figure it out. The Shadow was fun.

How about that Brett Michael's movie? Yikes. Oh, yeah. That was a seeing is believing thing. You know what I mean? Not even like the Pires. Like this is just something like every fat idiot's seen this movie. Oh, wait.

What is that a gig at me? Well, you're the only fat idiot in this room that saw it in theaters. As much as I make fun of it, I always, like, the older I get, the more open I am to a Dungeons and Dragons game. Like, invite me. Invite me, guys. Dude, if we got invited to play Dungeons and Dragons somewhere, like as a we hate movies thing, like watch three idiots try to do this. I'd do it. I would do it. I'm actually now I'm kind of excited. And I wouldn't be a jerk. I wouldn't. Listen, I'm not trying to

be a jerk now. I wouldn't be William Peterson from Manhunter is what I'm saying. I would try and take it more seriously than that. We're cracking jokes about this movie, obviously. But like, if that actually happened, if that got set up, I would try as hard as I could to pay attention and learn how to do it. I really would. I probably would never return to it. But I would do my best to try to understand. understand why people dig on it. Look, here's the thing. I like board games. I like sitting around telling jokes and I like

drinking. And that sounds like what you could do at a Dungeons of Dragons table, which I'm okay with. Would anybody recommend this movie? No. No, it's not a movie. It's pretty terrible. It's astounding to me that this was theatrically released. It's such a mess.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's trying to do a lot of stuff failing at all of it. Every aspect of this movie. mine is Richard O'Brien is a huge failure to me and it's really thankful it's really lucky that it was played after Letter from Death Row or else we'd all be like this is the worst movie we've ever done

but it's so fresh in our minds as a failure we're like okay it's not it's still totally a letter from death row there are worse movies than this oh yeah we've done worse movies than this I still just can't get over that this was released in theaters like I'm sorry like this was a thing that like New Line Cinema put out Jeremy Irons, there you go. I think that's what did it.

God, I mean, I guess so. It was like five or six years after Die Hard 3. But it was only like two or three after Lolita. But that was just like, I don't think that was theatrically released. That was a Showtime original movie. Yeah, it was direct to cable. Still. People ate it up.

Oh, we'll get all the perverts out. The Comsy Dungeons and Dragons that loved Lolita, the remake. Well, that's why you got your hentai ears. That's Dungeons and Dragons from the year 2000 directed by Courtney Solomon. If you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about we hate movies, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com

or find us over at sideshownetwork.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate you spreading the word about our fine program.

Now, next week, we are out of listener request month, diving back in to some originally curated programming with my best friend's wedding. Oh, right. It's been a really long time since we did a rom-com. We've kind of been doing, like, nerd fair for a little while. Yeah. It's something for everybody next week, I guess, with a psychotically nightmarish Julia Roberts. Yeah, I mean, this is, it's a rom-com. It's the best kind of rom-com.

a rom-com with a totally crazy, certifiable protagonist. The Joker ain't got nothing on this lady, dude. This woman is an agent of chaos. So until next week with America's favorite agent of chaos, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.

Thank you.