We Hate Movies - S6 Ep245: Episode 245 - My Best Friend's Wedding

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

This week on the show, the guys tackle one of the creepiest rom-coms Hollywood ever created -- it's My Best Friend's Wedding! How in the world are we supposed to get behind a protagonist like Jules? Is Dermot Mulroney's character a secret murderer? And is that a Paul Giamatti sighting? PLUS: Several references to the classic film Donkey Punch! My Best Friend's Wedding stars Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Cameron Diaz, Rupert Everett, Philip Bosco, M. Emmet Walsh, Rachel Griffiths, Christopher Masterson, and the great Paul Giamatti; directed by P.J. Hogan.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We hate movies. We're talking about a movie starring an insane psychopath as a main character. It's my best friend's wedding. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this week, the listener request month is in the ground.

And we are back to original programming. This is my best friend's wedding from the great, great year of 1997, directed by PJ Hogan, possibly Paul Hogan. It's not Paul Hogan. And it's just some guy. He was busy down under. Yeah. I mean, we're lucky that Zach Snyder isn't going to make another movie this week so we can go back to like doing what we want to do.

Like, just stop throwing him at, stop throwing me softballs, pal. Come on, Zach Snyder. Give us a break with the underhand pitching. Oh, man. So this is, it's your classic case of like, it's a romantic comedy. You're supposed to love this protagonist played by Julia Roberts, playing a character named Jules, which is obnoxious. but she's

fucking bad shit crazy and a lot of people love this movie I think is that right? Yeah it did pretty good It was nominated for a couple of golden globes Was it nominated for Golden Globes? It got good reviews

Musical comedy I mean like it's In a genre that doesn't have You know That that strikes out quite a bit This does stand a bit Head and shoulders above a lot of it But not really

When you look at the plot of this movie You're like who am I rooting for what's going on? Also, like, so much of the humor is, like, that, like, cringe humor that just reminds me of, like, you know, my generation, which is, you know, watching all those movies where it's like, oh, no, Ben Stiller doesn't realize he's peeing in granny's mouth. What movie did that happen in? I don't know. Meet the somethings. Meet the grandmother. It's just like, I know that's like the gross out humor end of it, but this is kind of, it's like gross out emotion.

Yeah, it's kind of like this ain't your mom's three's company a little bit. Oh, man. So, in essence, to boil it down, what this movie is, is Julia Roberts, she is a world-renowned book publishing food critic. She's on a book tour or just finished one or some shit. And she's good God, man. She's supposed to be 28 years old and she's this successful on a book tour. It's soul-crushing. She must be an aristocrat.

Well, that's the thing about these romantic comedies. Everyone always has to have a really interesting job and has to be an amazingly successful. They have it all, but... Yeah, no, the movie starts up and I'm watching it with The Misses and she's like, oh, here's her impossible romantic comedy job. She's like, come on, everybody. Could we not...

What about the guy that's just fucking working for... Hump at a desk for 40 hours a week? What's his romantic comedy? I think that's why people actually liked Empire Records. It's like, oh, here's some shitty retail kid. I can go any religious there. But that movie was like, you think that your boring retail job is just that?

Well, it doesn't have to be. Look how much fun they're having. Yeah. And look, I don't know, gamble all the money away. Oh, yeah. Isn't that thing that the boss is like... Athlete Plaglia? I'm totally not Australian.

I'm just that I'm an American actor. Man, he's done the same shitty Italian mobster accent in every non-Australia. in role he's had. It's ridiculous. That guy needs to go to jail. Like, you know what, man. Enough's enough. Now you're in jail for your accent. He was in some terrible movie with Joan Allen that came out last year. Oh, I saw that movie. What was the name of it? Because I saw it too. It's maybe the ideal husband. Something like that. And it's like a Stephen King script based on a Stephen King short story. I think it's basically like Joan Allen finds out that her husband, Anthony

LePaglia, is Australian. is a secret serial killer And it's like Oh, I swear to God I'm not a serial killer And they live in like Pennsylvania And he's talking like this Like fucking Mario Mario

Anyway, Julia Roberts So she's The beginning of this movie by the way Is a four and a half hour music video That I could not care about Like how did anyone stick around for this one? You're just padding the time. It's just like these five women singing a song.

One woman's dressed up like a bride and then it's like all her bridesmaids and whatnot. It's almost something if it's the cast. You know what I mean? Like you want to start it with like a weird like kind of Bollywood musical video. That's why I thought it was. I was doing something. But I was like, where's Julia Roberts? None of these women are in this movie.

Not a single one. There wasn't like the twins in there at all? No, no. Nope. These were just four or five people just up front killing time while these credits roll. I don't know what you're going for there. Like, is this some like late 50s, early 60s, romantic comedy kind of throwback thing? But it's not, though, because the rest of the movie isn't like this.

So why would you make this part like this? Well, this movie is almost kind of a musical a little bit. Oh, we'll get there. A couple of big numbers at this one. Oh, we'll get there. So she's this like unbelievably successful food critic, food writer, travel writer, whatever. And she finds out that her best friend, who she hasn't seen in like two or three. three years so I'm like fucking best friend

played by best friends Dermit Mulroney is getting married and their whole thing was like yeah if we're not married by the time we're 28 we're going to marry each other or something it's like you know you make that agreement at like

47 you got a couple of good fucking years left totally capital left it's like oh 28 I might as well be dead so let's get married it's so ridiculous it's like you know this is an 1875, right? The average death year

isn't 37. I better get married. Her father's going to sell me to the mill. Be working that mill. No, exactly. She's like, oh, my God, I'm 28 and unmarried. Look at me. I'm a fucking zombie.

You're like, no, you're a 30-year-old Julia Roberts. Thank you very much. And you're a billionaire. The best thing is she gets her food put down and she reviews it in front of the chef. And I'm like, what world is this. She's like, this is a subtle note of something, something, something, and

something, something. What she says to in front of this guy is what I'll say about this is, and the guy's like, yeah, yeah. It's like, inventive and risk taking or something. Meanwhile, it's like

a couple of little steak bits on some, I don't know, cornmeal looking thing. Look pretty gross. It wasn't exciting. I'll be honest with you. I thought it looked pretty good. you put some red meat in front of me I'm going to say good things too if it's not from cheeseburgers R Us

I don't want to hear about it oh man you gotta stop by your cheeseburgers in bulk man those things won't keep no they do you freeze them you just gotta freeze them right next to babies our ass toys are us cheeseburgers at us

for when your kids get really gross it's just a bunch of frozen like those like really thin patties you'll get separated by fucking sandwich witch paper. It's called White Castle. And it's great. I know exactly what you're talking about. Dude, I was raised on those. The Steakums? Good for grilling. Good for grilling. So she's at this dinner with her best friend Rupert Everett. Who's her boss? Yes, her editor. And there's a third character at this table. Her cell phone, which is the biggest thing I've ever seen. This is a real. It's a cinder block. It's a cinder block wrapped in leather. And I was like, my dad had that. Well, it's like, I want my phone to look like Indie. Indiana Jones. I wanted to have a little bit of a debonair

flair. There was like a little whip stuck on the side of it. I think there was like a little leather belt around it or something. I mean, there's no way you're fitting this in your pocket. This is purse or bust. Or is a strap to put it around? Like lapels on it, like a jacket.

It had an instant cell phone and an inseam. Oh, man. It's really crazy. It's unbelievable. believable this technology. She takes a phone at the, at the, at the, at the, uh, table. At the table is what they call it, Andrew. My God. And they, uh, and she finds out that, uh, Derman Rune kind of leaves her this weird message. Don't Rune is really weird. She's really weird, but he's also really weird. They are damaged, bizarre people. They're so made for each other, first of all, because it's like, yeah, just look at these two fuckups. You're look at them both. Because he's like, oh, Jules, if you can call him. back you should probably call me back i hope you're doing good i'm uh oh this is like the 15th time i've called you jules i'm pretty getting upset click click and it's not a phone call in which you intend to tell somebody i'm getting married i'd like you to be there blah bitty blah this is like a

someone died horribly phone call i'm got cancer call me back hey uh i'm trapped underneath something call me back i was i was in the I was in the garage and stacking mother's newspapers and they fell on me which you might be thinking that sounds like a Seymour skinner thing but it's not call me back

so she does and it's like oh I'm getting married and the whole thing is like right away you put a stop to this movie it is I've been seen this person in two years this is a total invitation I'm not going because his thing was I

the dinner she's like oh my god i can't believe this guy's gonna propose to me and like you know right because she's talking about that one magical night back in tucson arizona where they said they would marry each other at 28 years young and how long ago was this though like six years ago that is some sad shit yeah allow your 20s to happen before you fucking put yourself out to pasture totally like she's getting ready to go out and buy seven cats at once but she's like she's like like, it's happening, George, my ship has come in. I just kind of talking herself into this. And he's like, oh, I'm getting

married to somebody else. And he's like, oh, it's going to be one of those four-day weddings. He's like, we're doing it really old school, so it's going to be four days. I was like, what the fuck? Well, how old-school is this? I think it's 1870. Someone might get sold to the mill.

On the third day, we sell her to the mill. Her younger sister, who's clearly not going anywhere, she's going to get sold off to the mill. It's like a merchant ivory production. They have to go to grandmothers for the summer for the whole wedding season, I guess. I'm like, dude, I got, I can't work tomorrow. Four days.

You got me for the rehearsal dinner and you got me for the wedding. That's why, and I know it's more expensive to do it on the Saturdays, but that's when you do it because nobody's taken work off. Unless you're traveling and whatever, but if it's like train or driving or taking public transportation, God, keep your fingers crossed for those, you know? and it's like you don't have to book a hotel. Like, you're in and you're out. If you're in the wedding, fine. You got the Friday to have the dinner. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

That's it. I don't work at an accounting house where I can take the summer off and, like, write my novel and find love and, like, spend time by a lake. Yeah, we're not all obnoxiously young Wunderkind food critics. I'm not going to hang out with Simon Callow for no reason. Nobody needs that shit.

So she comedically falls off the best. because that was in the trailer. There's two of those. There's a couple of those. It's your standard, like, I don't know. She's not super funny. Make her fall down. Hey, push her down.

She'll be funny. She's charming, but not funny. So, yeah, she can fall on her ass. That'll be hilarious. So off to Chicago, we go. Because she's like, oh, she's like smoking cigarettes. And she's like, I got to break up this wedding, George. It's all fucking coming down, George.

And I'm like, whoa, this is a pretty quick turn. You know, I was pretty impressed. Late 90s, just casual smoking. Smoking by your protagonist. Oh, a ton. Not bad. Not bad. Those were the days.

I don't even smoke. Those are the days. Just seeing that. She's smoking. Here's the thing. She's smoking in the car. And Rupert Everett doesn't have a problem with it. Neither is a cab driver.

Oh, that's right. She's smoking in the cab. We'll get to one person who is not too pleased with her smoking a little later in the movie. Because it's kind of the best part of the movie, I guess. But she, like, right away, she's walking to the airport. it or whatever and it's like I have four days to break this wedding up and she's like marching and Rupert

Everett's like, are you sure this is what you want to do? Hey Julia, why are you packing all those exploding pumpkins? Oh, you'll see. They'll all fucking see. She's a fucking Batman and or Spider-Man villain.

Oh, it's ridiculous. The wedding meddler. Now, did Dylan McDermott, or whoever this is, did he say, like the specifics about this woman yet or does he do that in person? Which, I think he said she's... Dermit Mulroney?

She's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't take us down that road, Eric. No. Uh-oh. Yeesh. Anyway, that she's 20 years old. She's still in college. The woman he's marrying.

So Dermit Mulroney, yes, is describing his fiancé. Right. as 20 years old. Correct. And she's like a sophomore in college or something crazy. That's crazy talk. And, oh, by the way, her parents own the white socks. Yeah, just throw that in there.

But they're not, you know, what you think are rich people. They're salt of the earth, great people. I'm not marrying for money by Click. Like, this is a, this is a food bill for this guy. this guy's going to eat like a king oh me i think you mean meal ticket yes food bill i don't know things yeah you know what i actually come to think of it er that's it's a good point because like julia july julia roberts shouldn't be interrupting this guy's grift like come on man i'm working this family for everything they got give me three years i'm going to kill this lady

and i'm a billionaire he's a sports writer and he's marrying the air to the white socks yeah yeah This is a grift. It's a total grift. It's like, you know what? Get out of here, Robert Redford. Paul Newman's got it. The long cons too big for you, Dermit. That's the end of the movie.

At the end of the movie, he's like, you never open your mouth until you know what the shot is. And also like, it's like, like, Jules, wait this out, you know, she's going to mysteriously disappear in a few years. And I'm going to get insurance money on top of that. Wow, you think he was going to wait a few years? It's not like on the honeymoon. Like, oh, she fell off the boat. You never get on a boat with anybody. No way.

If you're on a boat and you have money and the person you're on the boat with doesn't have money, don't get on that boat. You never know if you're going to slip. That's your death ticket. Oh, looks like that deck's pretty wet. Hammer to the face. Oh, honey, is that an adorable dolphin? Slit your throat. Why don't you go try to pet it, right?

and then they kick you in the hind in the hind area and you fall off the boat oh no then you lose your food ticket or your food basket what did you say he said food bill food bill yeah that's an expression or so you get in trouble on a boat another way and it's the plot of that movie donkey punch then you're in trouble take us through the plot of donkey punch well as far as i remember it um yeah because listeners at home aren't familiar A couple is copulating on a boat. What is copulating? That's intercourse. The dude tries a donkey punch and kills the girl. What is a donkey punch? I'm not going into what a donkey punch is on the air. You know what?

Look it up. Just not at work. What did this turn to fucking quiz show, by the way? They gave you the answers? I'll take the first part last and a donkey punch is. No. I'm sweating in this box. So you're saying someone gets donkey punched.

To death. Literally, someone pulls a donkey punch and she dies. And so then it's like, we got to cover up the murder. But then it's like, for some reason, they're trying to kill everybody on the boat? I don't really know. Did Jason Voorhees do a donkey punch? Oh, no. No one will let Jason in close enough to do a donkey punch.

Anybody ever see Open Water, too? I saw Open Water in theaters with Chris Cabin. I think, yeah. I saw Open Water. I don't think, what was two? It was a directed DVD sequel. Is it in water? It is in water.

Oh, that I didn't see. Are they doing a donkey punch in the ocean? No, it's a bunch of rich people go on a boat and they're like, oh, let's go swimming off the side of the boat. And then the ladder falls off. Stop. And they all systematically die one after another. I'm not even kidding. And there's a baby on the boat.

And it's like, oh, the baby. It's like the stupidest way to die. I would be so upset if I had to go. go tell the devil that's why I die because the devil's going to be pissed well Satan so the ladder fell who's this fat fuck wasted my time

you know don't even send him to personal hell send him to Jen Pop oh he's going to Korean hell so whatever she goes she she meets up with German and here's the thing the other side of this story

so she's like twisting her curly red mustache right did we say by the way sorry did we say that the fiancee is played by a 1997 Cameron Diaz? No, now we're not. Now we have. Well, there we go. You know what?

You're welcome. I guess I didn't really notice. I was more interested in the food bill. I don't know. That girl's got a lot of money, though. Oh, man, I bet she's got all sorts of food bills. That doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't.

The other side of this movie, though, so is, hey, you get into a hot and heavy relationship with somebody who's 20 years old, which is pretty creepy. Totally. Yeah, that's a criminal behavior almost. And he's like, oh, by the way, I will not marry you until my very attractive friend that I haven't seen in three years gets here. By the way, I'm going to spend the whole fucking weekend with her. And it's like, okay, dude, you creepy serial killer. Oh, look, she's here. Look at how pretty she is.

You have to imagine that Cameron Diaz's character is like, so he's. Angling for that three-some. That's probably the move. Because it's like, you know, here's my, my best friend, Jules, is coming into town. And she's like, God, I hope that's Julius. You know, and then in comes fucking Julia Roberts. And she's like, oh. Oh, I get it, Dermot Mulroney.

How about we have ourselves a bachelor party, you know? I'm going to put you two in direct competition with one another. Whoever wins will be my bride and get a boat trip. Then we're going to go on a boat because you know what? Your family owns the White Sox, but a book deal is pretty good too. I'll take that. I'll take both of you on a boat either or, hey, those decks are slippery when wet. Mulroney. The ladder might go away.

You ever see open water too? No one did. He'll come out in 15 years. You know who the biggest star in Open Water 2? Wait, let me just throw out a guess because it won't be anyone big at all. Stephen Root. No. Damn it.

George Lopez. Greg. The Pepsi Max guy. Wait, what is a Pepsi Max guy? I think you mean who is a Pepsi Max guy? Well, hey, I'm a Pepsi Max guy because I love Pepsi. No. Well, congratulations on the role.

We hate movies, not brought to you by Pepsi. You know those. He's like the Pepsi delivery guy, the guy with the hat. in an innocuous face? No. Well, he's that guy. You might as well said Duff Man was in it. I didn't even know there was a fucking Pepsi Max ad campaign.

The only one I, the only like spokesperson I can remember is the Dell guy. Oh, the Dell guy. Oh, dude, you're getting a Dell. That guy got busted for weed. You don't say. You remember when Nick Swardson was Hawking Bark's Reefere in the 90s? Oh, shit. And Barks is my favorite root beer, but you see that guy in those commercials you wanted to commit suicide.

He was just aggravating people. Like, even back then, that was the thing. Let's aggravate people about root beer. Hey, remember 1-800 collect. Welcome back to, hey, remember the 90s? He's like, welcome to the four-day wedding, baby. Here it comes. Right in your fucking face.

Four days and challenges. I got four days where the challenges lined up. You complete this gauntlet at the end. Whoever is the winner wins Mulroney's Heart. This movie should have been called Mulroney's Heart. Ooh, I love it. That's a great title. You've got to run through this obstacle course of tires.

Whoever makes the best time earns a kiss. Collect the most kisses over the weekend. You win yourself a boat trip. I kind of agree with you, though. Long jumps up next. Uh-oh, someone better pick that giant nose and find a fucking flag. Or else no one's going on a boat. Don't worry, ladies, got enough gack to go around.

All right, time to carry these hard-boiled eggs without using your hands. All right, who's going to... Anyone want to take a nap in this enormous peanut butter sandwich? By the way, my dad... owns double dare. So I'm doing pretty okay for myself. I sleep in a sandwich. You're marrying the air

to Doubledair? I didn't even know that show is still on. They're fortunate. Wait, so does that mean he's related to Mark Summers? How would that work? I think that they're just really good friend. Oh, yeah. Mark Summers is my godfather.

He had to hold me when I was getting baptized, but he had to wear rubber gloves because he has a problem with hygiene. But he's also so indebted to my family that when he walks by here, just when, feel free to give him one of the nuts. Just tap his nuts a little

bit. He hates that, but he can't do nothing. I think what we're circling around here is why is anyone into Dermott Mulroney in this movie? Oh, he's a handsome guy. I feel. He's a good-looking. He's handsome, but he's a total asshole. This guy is Tom Barrenger Dad in the Making times a hundred.

He flies off handle non-stop. Yeah, there's a lot of, you know, and you feel bad for her character because everyone, everyone, either like realistically or like putting on the ruse is screaming at Cameron

Diaz in this movie. Yeah. It's either like, Dermit Mulroney who's like legitimately mad at her because they shouldn't be getting married in the first place or Julia Roberts is pretending to be mad at her, but still screaming at her nonetheless? There is a moment in this movie where like she, like,

I mean, well, the thing is Julia Roberts ends up putting something in Cameron Diaz's head that she could maybe complete college and have a job. I haven't forbid that crazy idea. And she brings this up to Mulroney. Yeah. He's just like, oh, really?

You think that you could do that. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. Oh, my God. I'm going to kill her. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. He's like, you know what? We better move up that boat trip. It's in two days now. But he gets furious because it's like, Your place at fucking 20 years old is to be my wife and travel around to fucking baseball games.

He's a baseball. He's a sports writer for Get Ready for it. Sport magazine. Man, oh man. That is a placeholder name that got left in the movie. You get the new issue of sport yet. Hey, hey, you reading sport over there? You know, I write for sport. Turn to page 50. I'm in sport. Yeah, it's a sport magazine.

a magazine that features mostly gun ads, but there's two sport articles in. I'm also in Squirt magazine this week. Same article, two different magazines. I like to shop around. Both mostly gun ads, though.

We also got an ad for Double Dare in that squirt. Also wrote a nice column this week in Boats Weekly. It's about how them decks get real slippery. Yeah. So, I mean, what's the first challenge that she, so basically like, the first challenge is Cameron Diaz says, I want you to be my maid of honor at the airport.

Fuck that noise. Holy shit. Holy shit. I almost fell off the couch like Julia Roberts. Her only friend is dead or missing. Maybe she fell off a boat. I think so, but it's like, these two relatives that are like apparently these horny twins or something. Oh, right.

One is the woman from six feet under. Rachel Griffiths. Yeah. And then the other one's just, I don't know. What I don't appreciate about this movie and correct me if I'm wrong, we never get to see any of his groomsmen whatsoever. They're like faceless dudes except for Danny Masterson. Right, Scientology's Danny Masterson is in this movie.

Right, right, right, right. Played my little brother, Scotty. Hey, Scotty, why don't you stop being a pervert? There's a lot of, like, he's a horny teenage jokes. I think that's Christopher, Matt. It is Christopher. I apologize. It's the one for Mollie.

Malcolm the middle. Are they both Scientology, though? Oh, yeah. It's one of them, it's one of them poor-ass families that were just raised in it. I read the expose and squirt. Yeah, there's a real... Anyone catch that real interesting Scientology article and squirt this month? Written by Paul Haggis.

Hey, Scotty, can I borrow that Seekore boat? I've got to take my girlfriend out on a little ride. Yeah, she's got to get some the tans out of her. Take her out of the Seacore boat. pounded out of the back of the head, right? Oh, no, that's the donkey punch.

Excuse me. Mixing up my sex moves with my Scientology baptism moves. Pardon me. So, yeah, she's like, oh, will you be my maid of honor? And Julie Roberts is like, oh, this is crazy. Yes, it is. She's like,

okay, I'll do it. And then there's this weird scene in the elevator, like, where Cameron Diaz is really, like, putting the screws to her. Yeah. I thought she was fucking with her. I thought so, too. I thought that was the whole point of this movie was like she was trying to make Julia Roberts uncomfortable just to go home. I thought it was going to be...

Hey lady, get the fuck out of here. It was going to be like a like, well, actually, she's the bitch. You know, but no. No, it's just Julia Roberts this whole time. She's a psychopath. Well, if that were to be the case, then everyone in this movie would be crazy. That's true. Cameron Diaz is the only same character in the movie. She gets out, they

get out of the elevator and Cameron Diaz's mother is like, oh, look, it's the bride and the woman no one could possibly live up to and I'm like what the fuck is the story like this is just my friend Jules period everybody knows the score though German Mulroney just keep your fucking fat

mouth shut about what the situation is I still don't get this invitation because I'm sorry best friend best friend come on with the best friendship yeah it makes no sense I guess there were friends in college and they never talked afterwards that's pretty sad if that's still your

best friend I mean like she's got a best friend she's got George it doesn't seem like he has any other friends because it's a Tom Berringer situation. He just goes to his sports office, mouth breathes, and then gives him a column. Well, it's a product of like a lopsided script in a way because like the movie's not about him. Like, it's about her stupid craziness. But like, certainly. Because aside from Christopher Masterson, who's the little brother, you have these like two other adult looking dudes who are hanging around.

But they're basically just glorified extras. They're at the rehearsal dinner. You know, they're like at this Of all the four day festivities Like they're at all of them Here's a question Yeah How is Greg Kinneer not in this movie?

That's a good call That's a great question This is your great caneer role I'm the best man Yep And it's like he could be like The goofy best man Maybe he's making moves on Julia Roberts

Oh he's the scumbag best man That's what you want And then they get together at the end Yeah he was going to be here But then you know This is a four day festivity And he did not bring his punch card and I couldn't punch off

day number one because I need to punch because you gotta make it to the end and then you could be at the wedding so he had to be dismissed listen up listen up everyone at this introductory brunch you're all

working for an invitation nothing's guaranteed for my weird double dare wedding okay here are your helmets with jars and a ring on it so you want to get that blue water up to that ring or else you're not coming to this wedding grandpa get pissing

that's what they did and double that right they're piss in those jars why not I think the first thing we do is we go to a baseball game because her parents own the white socks

and this is a weird we go directly to a white socks game and it's like she she's just decided like I'm going to steal this man away from this woman so let's go hang out

with his whole family and family to be at the white socks game and she's like sexing it up like right away she's like anybody want drinks

boys. So she like kind of hits on Danny Masterson a little bit like he's like oh I've got a crush on you. And this is, it's weird because she gets like right up on this kid and it's like teenager boner that's like a like zero to 60 in point two seconds.

You know the best man gets to dance with the maid of honor at the wedding. Oh big time and it's like sexy dancing and then Dermit Mulroney in classic future Tom Barrenger dad mode is just like, why don't you get away from my best friend, please.

And I'm like, he's going to lose it. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill my own brother. Oh, my God. I'm going to kill my own brother. He's going down. I was kind of hurting. I was a little Rudy's star's ass cane. Oh, man.

Chris Masterson is able. It's unfortunate that of gods and prophets didn't work out. The Kane and Abel show could have happened. Oh, man. They could have been getting blown left and right to. I think that's the problem. Oh, my God, I'm getting blown. That show just, they really banked on that blowjob and it blew up in their face.

Pun intended. That show got canceled after two episodes. What a tragedy. They're not even finishing it on Hulu. It's just two episodes on Hulu and go fuck yourself. No, all the masters went in the garbage. That show's not even going to get my big fat Greek life treatment with the single DVD. Oh, I was going to get a rim job next episode in the barble.

Get up there and figure it out. I'm the king of the world. You're listening from the future. This was a short-lived Ray Winstone's Bible Project on ABC. Bible Project. Untitled Ray Winstone Bible Project. He's also a Noah, so that's two Bible projects. Oh, that's right.

He's got a lot of Bible projects. Oh, I love the old fucking testament. Oh, Noah. Just look at all this water. makes me think a piss play. That was so funny. Floods coming, Noah. Yeah, he was like the bad guy.

He was. I'm going to bust your... Speaking of being trapped on a boat. I'm going to bust your boat. Hey, Noah. You know, the decks of these old self-built arcs get awfully slippery. Awfully slippery.

I'm thinking of the new Zutopia movie, which is kind of like it's... It's a Bible project. No. It's on Noah's... It's unknowing. Is it? No, I'm kidding.

Oh, a news utopia. A news utopia. We're in like a giraffe, like Scott Peterson's his wife on Noah's arc. And it's like kind of funny because they're all like talking and, you know, maybe. That is kind of funny. Oh, hey Noah. All Arnette and, you know. Oh, hey Noah.

Hey, Gregory. Say Noah. You've seen my wife around here? No, I haven't, Gregory. As far as I can tell, there was two of every animal on this boat. She's going to be that hard to find. Oh, no, it would be unicorns, wouldn't it? That's how it goes.

Oh, my God. So perfect. Hey, that's Utopia movies about fighting racism, isn't it? That's what I hear, yeah. Yeah, that's all right. I'm down with that. So I guess what happens here? Oh, well, at that party, by the way,

I just wanted to point out another ridiculous moment of Julia Roberts' quote physical comedy because she's made really uncomfortable in that elevator by Cameron Diaz because she, like, pulls the emergency thing and Cameron Diaz is getting like really crazy sounding. So she runs off this. elevator and gets like clothes lined by a tray of food and just everybody drops to the ground and it's like I'm sorry there's a bloody nose involved here

she's just like oh owie owie owie owie yeah she's spending the next couple weeks in the hospital they go to a karaoke bar because this is her like evil plan because apparently Dermin Mulroney aside for being terrifying and loves sports he loves singing and music

so he's like she's like oh once he finds out that she can't sing he's going to break up with her? Which like, come on. First of all, if you're marrying someone, you should know whether or not they can sing. Yeah. Well, I mean, she's 20 years old. They met a month ago and he's just trying to kill her on a boat. I don't think he knows. Oh, yeah, you know, that's true. So they go to this bar and it's not like, they're like, oh, we didn't know. He's like, oh, karaoke bar, huh? And I was like, no, it just looks like a sports bar where they're doing karaoke. Yeah, you can avoid that. You can always avoid karaoke if you want to. I mean, unless you're at a karaoke bar, then you probably

shouldn't be there. This is just a bar that happens to be hosting karaoke. And like she gets roped into singing. She sings, I just don't know what to do with myself. Like, she's really bad at it. But she kind of sounds like Jack White a little bit. Right? Because it's just a scratchy, yelpy version of I don't know what to do it. Yeah, I think you're

right. And like, she wins over the crowd because like she's timid and they encourage her whatever. So this like blows up at her face were born. That's how it happened, I think. Jack White saw this movie and he was like, I can do that. I could sing like that let's do it hey meg what do you think good idea great point meg uh so it's like yeah it totally

blows up but this is the thing that was weird so i don't think this movie knows how time works necessarily they come out of the bar and it's this weird like i know you're saying like everyone in this bar by the way is like piss face drunk and having a great time in karaoke and then they go outside i guess after that one song like one was enough and cameron diaz is like oh i have to get with my grandmother. Why don't you come with me, Julia Roberts? And I'm like, dinner with grandmother. What time were you going to this karaoke bar?

4.30? What bachelor party was ending at this karaoke bar? The best damn bachelor party in Chicago. And this is the best part. She's like, oh, come with me, Julia Roberts. Oh, no, I'm not. I'm going to stay with your fiancé. Don't wait up.

And it's like, okay. Okay, whatever, man. And like, Cameron Diaz is just, like, all right, and this is where you need to be like, well, no, that's not cool. Also, why isn't Dermit Mulroney going to this grandma dinner? Just know the situation, Dermontority. Like, you want to bring your friend that you're platonic, you're totally platonic with? You have to understand that it's making your fiancé uncomfortable and be like, oh, I guess I can't, like, go out to dinner with my girlfriend.

I mean, friend platonically, and spend the night with her, but platonically. But this isn't a movie where... it's like two people like a dude and a lady who are both heterosexual who have been friends for years but nothing ever came of it this is two people that spent a long weekend fucking each other's brains out in the desert and talk about it constantly to the point where the whole family knows it sounded like some bansan family type of shit happened yeah totally yeah there was like a ceremony and they're like on our 28th name day we will be wed we will take this exact strain of peyote once again and worship the sky

and then all the piggies are going to burn Heltah, Skelter, Helter, Skelter. You know, I'd really love to be a restaurant. Helter, Scouter, Scouter. But so we cut to something that will never happen in real life. Julia Roberts sitting on the stairs of a subway station eating hot dogs. Yeah, sure, whatever movie.

Whatever. I didn't know I was watching a science fiction film. Which also, nobody does this. How obnoxious. People are trying to walk by. Oh, it was making my skin crawl. You see that happening. You just want to kick them in the back.

Totally do. Yeah. Come on. There's not a bench around? You've got to sit on the stairs of the L station eating hot. Hot dogs, which also, she's a food critic. Yeah. There's no line about like, I can't believe I'm eating street food.

Yeah, it should be like. Or is she reviewing it? I'm reviewing all the food carts in downtown Chicago. No, but she's a food critic, Andrew, but she's also a down-to-earth guys girl. She likes footballs and baseballs and hot dogs and fat guys. Probably. Boat trips and double dare. She's every man's.

So, like, I think at this point she realizes, like, oh, it's not going well for some reason. So she calls up George. She's like, George, and just, it's like crying. And, like, this woman's like, has a borderline personality disorder because she's up one minute and down the next. Who, Julia Roberts? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's crying like her mother just died.

Like, she's like, George, help me. Please. So, like, he flies to new. I guess he's supposed to be rich, I guess is the idea. Well, he's a, you know. The editor, right? He's a New York book editor. He's probably got some money.

And back when publishing mattered. Yeah, back with print with King. Totally. And you could make money of things like books. About food? Yeah, books. About contemporary. Compilations of like restaurant reviews.

Like, what is that even about? Like, you're just, I want to read, like, oh, in a few years, I'll go back to my book about what the best 1997 restaurants were. Yeah, I don't think it's a thing. Close down, close down, closed down. Seriously. Burned down Health code violation Donald Trump

owned it you know more than you thought man they only serve Trump steaks at this restaurant and everyone's getting hepatitis I think that we need to give this movie a little bit of credit

or quite a bit of credit for acknowledging homosexuality existed pre-1999 Rupert Everett in this movie is openly gay and he's not a cartoon character yeah like when she calls the first time he's just at

a quiet dinner party with friends and he's got to like get the phone or whatever or no she leaves a screaming message on his answering machine but it's just like him sitting there like in lesser movies it's like he would get a call on a big brick leather cell phone and he's at some like

ridiculous stereotype club and you'd be like that's the joke you know and he's just like he's just a guy who is gay in this movie totally unheard of for the time and he's very fun Like, he's actually the best part of the character. He's hands down the best, leaps and bounds, miles ahead, the best part of this movie.

So he comes to, like, kind of, I guess, while Dermil Rudy's getting fitted for a tuxedo, like, he tells her basically, look, you gotta, should have got off the pot. Tell this guy you love him or just get the fuck out of here. Yeah, or you shouldn't have accepted this fucking wedding invitation in the first place. And she tries to, but then she doesn't. And then, like, three's company mode, he comes over and she's like, oh, this is my fiance, George. And he's like, what? What? You know, fiancé, because we have intercourse.

Oh, you know what the weirdest part of it is? She's, like, getting fitted for something, too, for her bridesmaid dress or whatever. Yeah, at the same store. And, like, he walks in. He's like, hey, Jules, how's it going? Could you turn around him half naked? He's like, I've seen you nakeder than that. You cannot have your platonic friend.

You walk in, like, I've seen you nakeder than that. Also, insane thing in this movie, yeah, right, this dude. He's not getting fitted. for a tuxedo. He's having a suit tailored four days before a wedding. Oh, I don't think so. Owner of the White Sox. You can send that to Middle Earth. They'll fucking put the thrill on it and it'll

come back in two weeks. That'd be a nice wedding. Giuseppe's like making this thing from scratch. You're right. They're not like taking in a jacket. They're building one. Like this dude's got like the chalk and he's marking where shit's going to go. And I'm like no, dude, even if Papa

Joe was like, get this done. Giuseppe's working around the clock. You don't want a tired Giuseppe making your suit. Why, you want to make a Giuseppe cry? Listen here, Giuseppe. I'm getting married in three days, and this better be done or you're going to have to review a knuckle sandwich. Hey, Giuseppe, you like going on boat rides?

You want to get on a gondola with me, Giuseppe? Have you ever heard of a donka punch? Yes. So, yeah, now is like, we have to play, you know, Rupert Everett is the fiancé for a little bit. And initially, it's like, there's some great line that Rupert Everett has where they're like, oh, you're only here for the afternoon or so, because they're like, oh, he's got to give back to New York.

And they're like, what did you come in here for? And he's like, oh, I just came in here to fuck her. Well, no, Julia Roberts says. Oh, she says. fuck me and i'm like whoa yeah i thought that was him yeah that was the big like whoa yeah i didn't expect that f word coming at me there's a weird part though where they're in the cab and he like dermot molroney's like well i don't know jules every time you told me about your friend there i always just kind of thought he was gay and she's like oh yeah well you know he just likes

pretending he's gay and telling gay guys that he's gay and robert ever it's like It's fun. That's fucking twisted. Why would you do that? It attracts women. Yeah. Oh, that's right. He does that old line.

Like, oh, it's great to trick girls. And she's like, worked on me. Sex games. Well, I guess dandies aren't dead. Hats off to you, George. Hey, you two want to go on a boat ride. You guys look pretty rich. You're her editor, huh?

That means automatically you have more money than she does. Let's go on my boat. Why don't you amend your wills real quick? Then we'll get the boat ride. This isn't your will. This is a waiver. Don't look at it and just sign it. Hop aboard the SS Doubledair.

Here's my deck hand, Mark Summers. He'll literally do anything you want. Oh, no, you don't put on boat shoes. You put on BK. there's some oh so they asked so this is we're at like what is the most trailer-rific scene in the movie oh yeah which I guess is like it's it's the rehearsal dinner and so they're at this seafood restaurant the first ridiculous thing do you know the name of this restaurant

Monty's Clam Shack well it's close nice Barry the Kudas Barry Barry Barry the kudas. That sucks. Like Barry, like B-A-R-R-Y. Yeah. That is adorable. Yeah.

I don't think you'd find a place like this in Chicago. Well, maybe back then. I'd have to check my almaneck of reviews. Let's see. Downtown Chicago, circa 1996. Oh, burned down. Owned by Trump and Burndown. All right.

So they do the old like, oh, how did you and Jules meet? and he tells this fucking great story about meeting her in a mental institution because his whole thing and this is the best part of the movie is he's like he's going to mess with her

like he's pissed off that she like threw him into the situation huge legit laugh that was a great one yeah yeah this whole part aside from what we're getting to is great

the funny thing is it's like oh I saw her she was a vision in pink and Dermal Rudy sitting next to his fucking fiance in front of her parents at his rehearsal dinner starts masturbating feverishly you don't wear pink

like that's like creepiest line you could ever say to anybody you've never worn pink a day in your life I don't even think you wear pink panties it's like oh my god we're trying to eat lunch wait you wearing pink right now or what I'm full of surprises

am I colorblind I've seen you in all sorts of things panties bathing suits small towels no no shut up Cameron Dia shut up shut up shut up shut up Shut up The only thing

I've ever seen pink on you No, shut up I will finish this line No, shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up Go sit in the car now Now that she's shut up, George Is jewels wearing white and gold Or black and blue?

I'm worried I got a real problem It's freaking me out, George. optical illusion from 20 years from now. This movie's got a barrage. So, for some reason, I think George, again, to embarrass her,

starts singing, say a little prayer for me, I believe it is, or whatever. Yeah, whatever that's, that, whatever the actual song is called. The Dionne Warwick song. Because he's talking about how he met some, he was visiting a friend in the mental institution who thought he was Dionne Warwick, which is pretty

funny. Yeah. But then he just starts going into that song. He also mentions that their romance was like Doris Day on Rock Hudson. Yeah, that's a great line. And the two horny twins are like, oh, that's so sweet. Are you making a joke about being gay?

I think you're wearing pink now, buddy. No, shut up. You shut up, Cameron Diaz. You shut right up. I'll make a scene at this Barry's clam shab. This dude loves to make a scene.

And he loves telling her to shut up. He does. Well, because there's a scene earlier, I think it's right when they get to the karaoke bar maybe or at like another dinner where, because Julia Roberts at some point slips in like, oh, you should just tell him that you want him to quit his job and come work for your dad for a little bit. And she like tries to do that and he's screaming at her in this restaurant. And then she's screaming back like, I'm so sorry, don't leave. And, like, you just, like, if you were in that restaurant, you'd be like, oh, my God, one of them is going to kill the other one. Yeah, well, yeah, she channels Lorraine Brocko after she spills the Coke. It's like, we need, we needed that money.

And she's like, I'm sorry! She's screaming her fucking head off. And it's amazing because Julia Roberts is, like, tenting her fingers watching this world explode. And I'm like, our hero, ladies and gentlemen. So we're back at Barry the Cudas. And Rupert Everett starts singing this song. and then like the rest of the table starts getting in on it including M.M.M. at Walsh, by the way, which

Blinking, you miss that cameo. Oh, no, I soaked up every surly second of M.M. at Walsh in this movie, man, it was great. Oh, yeah, here I am in this romantic comedy. I'm kind of like a fourth-tier character. I think I'm a bit of a bigger actor than this, but whatever. I'm here to clean up if the boat gets a little messy. This is blood simple character Always always and forever

You got any bath tubs on that boat or what Gonna hunt you down Take some lie with you In case it goes shower You know they can only swim so far That's the reason why Emma Wall She's like he plays his dad But it's like

I'm gonna hire this guy this cleaner In case Oh no my dad wants to go on the boat with us This is my dad Jake But then the biggest ridiculous part is The rest of the restaurant Is singing this song

The fucking like idiot keyboard player That this restaurant is hired Starts playing along I would leave this restaurant in a huff I would like fucking throw my plate down I wouldn't pay for my food No you've ruined this meal for me sir I would take this I'm not even asking for a styrofoam

I'm taking this food out my bare hands Just walking out a big thanks for nothing Eating a car to the street As bite it off as I kick the door open I do not like public singing Uncalled for public singing Unless you're on a stage and I bought a ticket Shut up

If we're at a karaoke bar If I'm at a concert whatever But people just think it's fun to sing a song Yeah they need to know that it's appropriate time and place Yeah I guess So the next part is when it gets really crazy So George goes away, right? He goes back to New York.

They take him to the airport. Quick nothing detail about this airport. I don't know what was going on at the time at whatever Chicago airport they're supposed to be at. The flags are at half-mast in the background of this one scene. Oh, really? It's weird because they're like saying goodbye. Like Dylan McDermott or Rupert Everett, my God,

the three of them just juggling around in my head right now. Rupert Everett is like saying goodbye to Julia Roberts and he's like, you better not fuck this up, and ruin their lives, bye, you know. And he's, like, talking to her. And whenever they cut to Rupert Everett's, like, angle in this one scene, there's these flags that are just at half-mast in the background.

Yeah, that's because of the Bears game. Oh, yeah, the Bears lost big time. Had to put the flags down at a half-mas. Major fumble. Major fumble on the game. I also liked it the other way where there was a real national tragedy and the film studio is like, well,

Sorry, we got it for the day. This is the only time we can schedule the shoot at midway. Here we are. My best friend's wedding must go on. So, well, this is, she goes to the dad's office. This is night of the stag party. Yes. They have like a weird romantic boat ride where it generally is like, I don't know, man.

It's weird. When I saw you engage to that guy, I got really jealous. Hey, by the way, we're platonic friends. You wearing pink yet or what? It's ridiculous. What's the pink situation? Oh, don't say that. Hey, between the

the Crab Shack and the airport, you put anything pink on I should know about or what? It's fucking disgusting. It's insane. Say that in a public place in front of your wife. Dude, you try saying that in front of your wife.

You enjoy the rest of your fucking life. Do you got any pink on or what? No, shut up. Hey, you shut up. He rolls up a newspaper and hits her in the face. Who to bop you on the nose. I'm asking about colors No but then it's like

It's straight out of a fucking Richard Linklater movie Because they're on a boat in the golden hour Ambiguously talking about love And I'm like All right Yeah let's just let's just keep going It's fucking creepy Dermit Doesn't he start singing at this point

He starts singing a tune It's their song Oh They have a fucking song They have a song dude Because it comes into play at the end of the movie Smart move A little pro tip for

a little life hack, don't invite anyone to your wedding that you share a song with. Pretty good tip. Just put that in your back pocket. It'll make the whole four-day weekend go by a lot smoother. You know what? For the most part, you should probably avoid

former sexual partners altogether. If you can, if you really can. You know, maybe he got screwed over and you have to invite that chick he didn't know was a second cousin at the time. Like, you know, that's... Whoa. I want that much.

movie. My best friend's cousin? My best friend's kissing cousins. It's the sequel. This movie should have a sequel, right? Yeah, why not? It would be like, the sequel would be, it would be Julia Roberts' wedding. And Cameron Diaz, like, has a revenge movie on it.

Like, she just goes and fucks it up at every, she's not invited. And she, like, fucking plants, like, pour photographic pictures, like get somebody deported, you know what I mean? He really takes them down. Kills the goddamn vicar, you know what I mean? Like she really, like she takens a wedding. Oh, how about the wedding from Kill Bill? Yes.

Yeah, exactly. That's what happened. Uma Thurban was Julia Roberts in the last movie. Are you messing with Jules' wedding? Now we're in the third movie. Woman Killer.

The killer inside me? The third movie is this series? Oh, actually, it makes perfect sense to complete the trilogy. Part 3 of my best friend's wedding would be Donkey Punch. Well, it'll have to be. So, yeah. No, no, I'm just killing an unrelated girl in this movie. You don't need to have seen the other ones.

Don't worry, it's a bunch of deleted scenes. I'm just going around Chicago killing girls. Got nothing to do with Jules' hijinks, though. Bet you wish you were watching this movie, though. Hey, Morgan Freeman's hot on my trail in this movie. Oh, that's great. Because of the events of the first movie, my serial killer M.O. is to target women in pink.

You really need to see the first one or you're going to be lost. You could skip the second one. So, Julia, like, George is like, look, you know, just be done with this situation. Like, he's a conscience. And she's like, but I have the craziest idea in the world. so she writes a letter she's like oh because the whole thing

the rift between like him quitting what he calls like what she calls like his like dream job that doesn't pay any money which is sports writing which I guess is kind of true she also no but she says something about like why don't you get a job for adults or something I'm like this guy

I'm not a shell out I'm not a shell out establishment type of this guy travels around like following presumably the white socks like this guy does well he's doing okay Hey, of course he is. He's just not making Papa Joe money.

The problem is he's like the whole thing is he's getting married and it's like he travels, you know, every week of the baseball season. So he's like he's got a job that keeps him traveling. And it's like he's expecting Cameron Diaz to drop everything and just come on the road with him. Which, you know, the newspaper or sports magazine, sorry. Sports magazine. Oh, sport magazine. They're picking up the travel bill for him. You can't say sports magazine.

You can't say sports magazine. He won't get sued. they exist they're very good but no no this is sport magazine so it's like you know he's got a lot of stuff going on julia roberts offers to pick the dad up and drop him off at the bachelor party this guy infirm he's philiposcoe's a billionaire he can get a helicopter to where he wants to go yeah he owns the white socks why the shit does he need julia roberts to pick him up in whose car by the way she's from out of town all he needs to do is call a cell phone to be like devil's advocate, and he walks out in Chicago

is barren, because he's that rich. Yeah, totally. Jeffrey Jones is driving him around. You. That's what you're doing, Eddie. You're going to drive around the owner of the wet socks. Nine out of ten sports owners have met with the devil.

I don't know if they've come to terms, but they've met with the devil. Just look at Jerry Jones. Just look at him. Look at that devil-fucked face. Yeah. He's been there and back. Hey there, Jerry Jones, this is Jeffrey Jones. We're driving you around here, but I can get you whatever you want.

You know, whatever you want. Alphabetically, we'll be roommates in hell. I heard we're slated to share a cell. So anyway, she shows up at his office, and he's like, I'm having a weird business meeting where we're on the phone and there's a big plate of cheese and fruit, so just give us a minute. So she's like, I have to make some calls. Can I use your office?

And she gets on this dude's computer and starts... Power book, pardon me. Oh, big time. And she starts composing this email and it's hilarious because this movie has no idea how email interfacing works. Well, the thing is like they're... It's still early enough in the internet's game. Yes. That it's like, we got to, we have to also explain this to idiots watching it that's never used the, the email.

Yeah. But it's like two so-and-so, comma, publisher, comma, sport magazine. from Grandpa Joe, comma CEO, comma Chicago White Sox, Major League Baseball. The command she uses this new letter, which is amazing.

Yeah, new letter. It's so awesome. So she writes this thing, and it's basically like, hey, buddy, you know. Fire my son-in-law. Yeah, listen,

do my daughter a solid and fire my son-in-law. And it's like, oh, should I send it? Should I not? She saves it as a draft. Long story short, this dude comes out

and tells his secretary, And again, this doesn't make any sense. This is the most crazy power trip I've ever seen in my life. This dude's just like, well, hey there, minimum wage secretary. I have some emails I haven't sent yet. They're sitting in a drafts folder. Why don't you go ahead and it's send? Look, that's the amount of effort it takes to save a draft of an email

and have someone else send it, man. Oh, I don't send my own emails. That's what serfs do. I have the girl do it. Hey, girl, hit send on the. those emails. That's my send email girl. I got one of those. I got a water girl, a coffee girl, a cocktail girl, a lunch girl. And this is, I got girls. I got a lot of girls. So then this is some like terrible there must be a deleted scene somewhere in the movie because we then

cut immediately to Dermit Mulroney and Julie Roberts outside of this same building and she She's freaking out, like, I have to get in there. I have to send these figures. Well, yeah, because I guess the Greg Kinnear Bachelor Party got cut, which is unfortunate. Right. That sounds like a real wild time. He was about to throw the bachelor party, and I saw his punch card, and I said, get out of here. You haven't been here for four days.

You do not get a ticket to my wedding. And it's so ridiculous because it's like, even if you did have this Bachelor party, it's like, hey, fellas, I'm leaving. my bachelor party with this totally attractive 30 year old Julia Roberts. See you later. See you later, my future in-laws. Like, the fucking future in-law father is there.

Like, that dude's saying something. Yeah, he's saying a lot of things. It's just like the biggest continuity error in this movie. So she's trying to get in there because she wants, she's like desperate at this point. She wants him to look at the email like, oh, look what I found. Oh, is that what it was? I thought she changed her mind

about sending it and wanted to delete the draft. That's what I thought to. Oh, maybe I'm wrong. But you know what? Maybe we're both right. Maybe the gods could be crazy. So they can't get in. Is that a Coke bottle there? They can't get in.

So it's like, oh, hey, why don't we all go back to our hotel and not have sex or see what happens? So they go in. They're like, oh, it's order room service. And he's like, huh, I got this letter from my editor. That's a weird letter on a Saturday, which is right before my wedding. That's strange. Maybe the boat didn't come in. So he opens it up.

And his editor is like, hey, I want you to know who you're marrying because this is the craziest thing that's ever happened to me. Right. And it's awesome because the dude doesn't do it. Like he doesn't lay the hammer down on Dermit Mulroney. He's like, the owner of the Chicago White Sox. I don't know. Maybe if it was the Cubs, I'd do something about it. This movie's got a lot of power for editors, man. Yeah, totally. So then like he gets pissed off and he gets on the phone with Cameron Diaz. And it's like he's getting ready for like the sixth screaming match of this movie. And she's like, all right, I'm just going to go outside in this hotel hallway and start smoking on the floor. Well, because she feels distraught.

She feels really bad. Oh, yeah. And she's like, oh, I'm such a terrible person. She's smoking the cigarette. And everybody's favorite cameo in this movie shows up. And it's so awesome because it's like he's like the camera is like to his back so you can't see the face. And it's just like, ma'am, you can't smoke in this hotel room. Fucking 1997 Paul Giamatti.

Get out of town. All Giamani begins. Dun, da, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, God damn it. Oh, you can't smoke in here. Oh, Jesus, I'm so exasperated already. I had to climb a fucking mountain to get a blue flower. Join the League of Shadows just to learn how to act.

Oh, my God, you know, and it's like, get your ass kicked by ninjas day in and day out. Getting fitted for this bellhop outfit. Oh, I just don't fit in anything. Razol Gould's two fucking people. So the best part is, he's just like, you can't smoke in here, lady. And like, she's like, this is where, like, the problem is Julia Roberts is too good of an actress

for like a light, bouncy, fun, romantic comedy. Sure. When she does drama, it's like, oh, it's like weirdly affecting. She's like, what would you say to the worst person in the world? And you're like, whoa, not this movie. Yeah, the tone here is struck much different than the rest of the tone in this movie. She's like, fucking arrest me. He's like, arrest me then.

I deserve to go to jail. And it's like, are my watching closer right now? Like, what happened? Why did this? And Giamani's like, uh-oh, damaged woman, 12 o'clock, you know? And she's just like, do you smoke? And he's like, Chi-O-Mati, you got it in. Yeah. Yeah, I smoke.

And he, like, gets down on the floor with him. Play it cool, Giamati. Don't bring up the collector's cards just yet. Just smoke the cigarette. Yeah, that's it. Just start sucking on it. The cigarette, that is, Giamati. This is going great, PG. And she's, like, crying, and she's upset. And he's like, you know what?

You know what? My grandmother always told me, Gianmati, play it cool. You know what? My grandmother always told me, this, too, must pass. And you're like, I think that's from the Bible? I think that's from everything. And he's just like, he's staring at her. And he's like, all right, what's the next line I could use? That grandma one fell on its face. All right, I got one.

Hey, baby, how about taking this from a PG to a PG-13? Oh, that ain't going to do it. I'm never going to close with Julia Roberts. He does blow a smoke ring. He smokes a cigarette and he blows a smoke ring Oh, does he? Oh, no, I made that up, sorry. No, it's just like a light exhale.

Okay. Because I always look like, oh, did they really like, you know, take in whatever you're supposed to be smoking in the movie? And he does. It's like a little like, oh, I needed that. Oh, now I'm probably going to get fired. No, I better get out of here. Get out of here, crazy lady.

He's like, all right. No, but he does the cool thing because he just says, this too must pass. And she's like, thank you. And he gets up. and he like pushes the cart and he does like this kind of half cool wave on the way out he's like oh that's cool

oh fuck giamati you didn't say you were off in an hour you didn't say meet me in the bar in an hour you fucking idiot why do you think it is I keep the key card in my pocket for room four seven five you just walk away you do that half hand raise and that's the cool thing

you saw jeff gobloom do that one that guy gets it all over the place he's your goddamn role model Giamatti. You saw him that one time you tried to tell him. Blew that too. Got flustered in front of Jeff Goldblum. How was I supposed to know his shirt would be unbuttoned?

staring at Jeff Goldblum's nipples, great, Giobotty. You can't talk in front of Jeff Goldblum, how you can ever work with Marty Scorses? So that's it. It's just like, it's like what we just did is longer than the time. Paul Giamatti's in this movie, unfortunately. But what a sweet surprise. He's got all the hair in the world in this scene.

He really does. And I was like, man, the piece they got out. Nope, 1999. That was the real deal back then. That's the negotiator hair. There's a weird thing. So, Dermott Mowroni comes out of the bedroom. The bedroom.

And this is, this is the, this also in this hotel is where she's like, I've been playing you kind of a thing. Does that happen to her? No, that's later. Oh, no. Well, this is, I believe, now, correct me if I'm wrong, because she's still on the ground in this scene. He comes out and he's like, hey, phone calls over. My life's ruined. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill it. And he's like,

hey, can I have that ring back that I gave you? I'm out one billion bucks. And she's like, he has given her the wedding ring to hold on to because the wedding's the next morning or whatever. And so he's like, can I get that ring back? And she holds up her hand and she's

like, oh, I tried it on and it got stuck. And this dude fucking puts his mouth around her finger and sucks this ring right off. Come on. You fucking creep. That's a serial killer move. Morgan Freeman is

coming after you now. He's a collector. He likes to suck the rings off their fingers. The funny, the weird thing is he has the balls to break up Cameron Diaz. And he has the balls to come back and she's like, oh man, you wouldn't believe it, Jules. She was like, how

am I going to tell everybody? Because that's all she cares about. No, actually, that's a legitimate concern. Getting jilted at the altar with hundreds of people, that's a humiliating event. It's a big deal. It's day three out of four. No, you're married,

basically. You're gone through all those motions. You can't just call it off. You're pot committed at this point. Totally. Like, this is like, you just need to get married, give it six months, and get divorced. six months nobody's going to be asking for plane fare refunded you know what i mean like it just didn't work you can't burn it down the night before so sort of the last act of this movie is they go to the

breakfast brunch or whatever it's a brunch before the six p.m. wedding and it's all taking place at his at her family's like estate somewhere how about you can be an afternoon off on this wedding you know what man like i will get i will see you at six it's like you know what my god We came all the way to Chicago. I wanted to see some sites. I wanted to go down, look at the lake, but I got this agenda that I have to keep for this wedding. They've got to work in nonstop.

He goes to save face for her, which is pretty nice, actually, not a piece of shit. And this is when she makes her Viper move where, like, she tells him, she loves him, and blah, blah. Well, this is weird that she goes back and forth between the two of them trying to relay misinformation, but they are made for each other, so it doesn't work out that way.

Yeah. And she's like, I love you. I've always loved you. I want to have your babies and all sorts of weird shit. I'm wearing pink right now. I finally found some pink. Are you happy now? And she like kisses him and Cameron Diaz sees it and runs off.

Now we're just in an action movie because it's a three car chase scene. Well, it's a foot chase that leads to a car chase. And she got a motorcycle with a sidecar. Get in. We're going to get your guy. Yeah, I have to. I've been watching you all night. Don't worry about that now.

I've been friend zoned. Oh, great. Now you're just driving her to get, damn it, Mulrude. You know, you fucking idiot, Gianmani. God damn it, PG. You cocked it up again. Scared another one away.

All right. It's not dead yet. We're stuck in traffic. Make a move before the light turns. Maybe I had I have one of those cigarettes. That's all I know about you. What's your name? No.

You went through the yellow. light you did that you're yellow you're the one that's behind the wheel you could have hit the brakes at any second you idiot you're going to die alone paul don't you think i know that stop yelling man paul giamati's internal monologue that's an obnoxious place to live i could vacation there well i've been there um so she hot hijacks a bread truck, by the way. Whatever. And she calls Rupert Everett, and it's a weird, like,

Rupert Everett's at a book reading with the author is Harry Shear for no reason. Amazingly. And so he's like, hey, how's it going out there? And she's like, well, bat shit crazy. I stole a truck, and I'm chasing him down the street. And I'm here, too. I was in this bread truck trying to get over Julia Roberts and who would have guessed she hijacked it? Who is that?

Oh, that's just some weird bellhop I met last night. It was right before Dermot Moroni sucked on my finger. Don't worry, you missed a lot. Oh, man. They went up at a train station and apparently that's where he proposed to her because he was getting on a train for a baseball thing. And Julie Roberts, like, look, man, you basically invited the Riddler to your wedding. I apologize.

I've been playing you the whole time and all this stuff. And this is where, like, a screaming match would happen. Yeah. It was an end-all, be-all nuclear fight. The ultimate, fuck you, I don't want you in my life. I really thought this was an invitation in the first place. I can't believe you accept it. It's like one of those, it's the time you expect that really cutting remark that involves a dead relative where you're like,

oh, damn, that's low. Like, that's what's going to happen. But no, he just says Well, to be honest, Jules, I'm quite flattered That you ruined my wedding It's nice to be loved by someone It's so stupid And honestly, you know what this is?

It's the product of people with money to throw down the toilet. Like he doesn't give a shit at the prospect of like This whole thing could be ruined. People's time wasted, people's travel money wasted, Gift money wasted, whatever else. He doesn't give a fuck. It's like, it's like, it's like, Well, that was pretty cute, Jules.

I could always flee on my boat. I'll always have my boat. The SS Donkey Punch. Oh, God. I thought it was the SS Doubledair. Yeah, I got two boats. Oh, man, I never been on a boat in my life, Paul. You're never going to be invited on a boat.

Paul Giomani's a stowaway on this murder boat. I'm going to tell, this is what I'm going to tell her how I feel finally. Oh, crap, are they all getting killed? You better stay in this closet until it all blows over. Stay under these coats, Paul. Just like those frat parties. Good thing you brought these chips in your jacket. Don't know how long you're going to be here.

Of course you had to get the narrow virus. Can't stop puking in these coats. I threw up over all these coats. Every last one of them soaked in Paul Giamatti's puke. Way to go, PG. Got a whole bump full of people mad at you now. So then, like, I guess the wedding just happens. Cameron Diaz, oh, there's a weird showdown in the bathroom.

Yeah, because Cameron Diaz is hiding the only person or rich person can, which is at their father's stadium. She goes there, and that's where Julie Roberts finds out she is, and they have this conversation in the lady's bathroom. And, like, what lady yells cat fight? And I'm like, do women yell cat fight? Do women get into an argument? I don't think so. If it's in a public restroom, I think that's fair game.

Okay, fair enough. But then it's a weird, like, all these ladies, like, circle around them. Yeah. And they're, like, rooting for a cat fight. To be fair, though, Julie Roberts does get her due from Cameron Diaz because she fucking tells her off. Yeah, but she should, I don't know. know, be shot out of a cannon into the Chicago River. She should punch her

in the face. Also, she should be disinvited from this wedding. Yeah, you know what you definitely don't get to do? Still be the maid of honor at the wedding in the next scene, because that's where it's at. It would be great if, uh, it was like, all right, Jules, um, you're still allowed to come to the wedding. You've been

ceremoniously stripped of your title of maid of honor. And also we are going to, I don't want to do this, but Cameron's make, we got to patch you down. We just got to make sure that ever for the safety of everyone here you brought us to this i didn't want to do this we got to patch you down we just got to make sure there's no pink on you we don't want any bomb any dirty bombs there's just there's a possibility of dirty bombs

with you jules i i i yeah shut up i'm taking care of it shut up i'm doing what you asked me to just shut up god you shut up everyone's in this church already proceed father They have the wedding reception She makes a speech man No way is there public speaking after all this You're going to give this maniac a microphone No she is sitting in the back

She's getting served food last And it's cold and no one cares She tries to send it back And the waiter takes a dump on it She says anything about that cold food take it away with a smile and take a shit on it because she ruined this four-day extravaganza. That'd be great then she can like

when she has her shit plate she can kind of like do like a sad, tired like little review of it. Oh man, you think she's reviewing the food at the wedding? Yeah, the caterer is being written up. Barry the cuda as well. There's no way dis maniacs at your wedding, right?

No, it's impossible. And she gives this weird speech. like this cry speech again it's a little too over dramatic for the movie where she's just like well I had this nightmare that someone was trying to break up the best couple in the world and I'm like dude this is too intense and you're still making it about you you jerk yeah you know what I mean like just be like you guys are the best mazeltov good night everybody you know what it needs to be honestly like she needs to start making this speech get lost in her own words and then just drop the microphone and smash her face

against the corner of the table and just fall down. That's what this character deserves. It is a terrible character that doesn't get its due. I don't care how hard you get told off in a lady's bathroom. You know what it needs to be?

Ending this movie out on the field and she's humiliated on all the stadium screens. Oh, yeah. Thousands of people just laughing at you. And booing her. Oh, totally. I mean, it's worth it, right?

And here comes. The Pretzels. The actual end of this movie, for some reason, it's actually, it was a reshoot. Oh, was it? Yeah. At the end of this movie, she was supposed to meet John Corbett and be like, ooh, romance. Oh, no. But it tested terribly because everyone's like, fuck this lady.

Wait, are you seriously? John Corb? I read it in the IMD Tribune this morning. Oh. Mother, we have some interesting facts about my best friend's wedding to get through. He was going to be in my big fat Greek wing and my best friend's wedding. That's what I thought you were making a joke about was he met John Corbett and he had to deal with her crazy Greek family. No, like, you know, John Corbett was just like an anonymous, sexy wedding guest.

Oh, hell yeah. She hits it off with, but like it just tested really poorly because I guess people just didn't want to see her with anybody. Or did Maruni like stop his first dance and be like, I'm getting jealous. What are you doing talking to Jules? That's the last line Is what are we doing talking to Jules? And he decks him cut to black

No But the actual ending is Like she gets a call on her cell phone And it's like George And he's like making fun of her And then whoops He's at the wedding Right

Which And then they dance Just to be able to fly out At a moment's notice After you get that call But this is even I mean He gets the call

That she's stolen a bread truck, you immediately just have to go to the airport. Like, he left that Harry Shear reading to go to the airport. He might have done that to bail her out of jail. Well, I know where this is ending up. Exactly. You know, the ending you want, by the way,

is that Paul Giumadi is also working a second job at this catering company. And he's working the wedding. And then, like, she goes outside the tent to have a cigarette, and he's having a smoke, and it's like, oh, my God, round two. Then you come.

Not to credits. It's meant to be. Oh, man. She's a jilted maid of honor, Paul. If you can't close this deal, I don't know what's wrong with you. Holy shit. But you're supposed to just start dancing and it's like a nice ending. Oh, man, our hero.

Didn't she sort of learn a lesson, I guess? Probably not because there weren't really any repercussions like. going to jail. And the weird thing is I mean she did ruin this wedding. Like they do get married and it looks like a nice ceremony but this wedding is ruined forever. Whenever they think back about it, they're only going to think about her. Yeah. Cameron Diaz has to be like

man, remember five hours before I got married? I was crying on the toilet at a white socks game. God. A lot of people can say that. And then that harpy made out with you. That was cool. Oh yeah. On the day of our wedding. And we just end with a

reggae-ish cover of say a little prayer because we got to remember about that hilarious seafood restaurant sing-along my god and that's the end of the movie question mark I had never seen this movie before but this was like the only thing I knew about this movie was that scene I mean it was

plastered all over the trailer all over the home video trailer wherever someone was talking about my best friend's wedding this scene was coming up because it's magical it is it is would anybody recommend this movie? Yeah it's a light recommend it's like a TBS hangover movie like you're hungover in a hotel maybe and you have basic

cable and you're like oh wait a minute my best friend's wedding yeah Steve has got the right answer that is exactly right I think it's a light recommend as well but I wouldn't say you have to see it no it's a light recommend I think it is hotel hangover only though if you're at home there's better things you can find yeah that's fair but it's like my god the plane isn't for another six hours I feel like a dog shit down my throat, you know? You know, it's not that movie, which I actually turned off, was the rocker with Rain Wilson?

Yikes. Oh, I had to think about what that was for a second. And I was just hung over in a hotel and I was like, it's not doing it for me, man. You ever get let down by a hangover movie? Yeah, probably. I must have. Yeah. I think that exact movie I might have seen with Chris Cabin.

Oh, no. At like a press event. Oh, wow. Oh, man. Yeah. You figure that's one that wouldn't have been. screened for critics. That was tough.

That's my best friend's wedding from 1997, directed by PJ Not Paul Hogan. If you want more information about We Hate Movies, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook. Facebook.com slash we hate movies. Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. And of course, right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at Gmail.com.

Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. It helps increase. The exposure of the program. Now, next week, continuing WHM original programming. We're playing some video games, everybody. That's right. A long anticipated episode, and one of my promised films of 2016,

it's The Wizard with Fred Savage. That's right. The premiere, the movie that premiered, the movie that debuted, Super Mario Bros. 3. So put on your power gloves and warm it up. So until next week, We're talking about that 90-minute Nintendo commercial. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Zeta. Eric Siska. Take it easy.