We Hate Movies - S6 Ep248: Episode 248 - Waterworld (Live!)

Episode Date: May 3, 2016

Recorded December 12th,2015This week on the show, the gang is LIVE from the D.C. Improv tochat about the ridiculous blockbuster flub, Waterworld!Why did they make this "hero" so deplorable? How could someone notbe able to swim in a place called Waterworld? And whydidn't these pirates just trace the map off the little girl's back?PLUS: A dramatic reading from the Waterworldnovelization!Waterworld stars Kevin Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, TinaMajorino, Michael Jeter, and the late, great, Dennis Hopper;directed by Kevin (not Costner) Reynolds.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We're going to have some of the next to us. We're going to have some nachos. That's not good, right? To the nachos in this establishment. Holy fuck. Get the nachos. Susanna will bring you nachos. Remember to tip your servers.

Yes. Yes. Her name is Susanna. She's very nice. Washington, D.C., how are you guys doing this evening? Yeah. Oh, thank you so much. My name is Andrew Jupin.

I'm Eric Sisko. And I'm Steve Sadek. We are. Yeah, it's a creepy. It's a creepy fucking name. Well, it is Saturday night. Oh, yeah. No, you know what?

This is the late show, guys. Oh, man. It's getting a little sexy. You know, as we say at the We Hate Movies Home Offices, it's time to get gross. Oh, yeah. Now, pants are optional. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, don't break any of the club rules, but we'll see where this goes.

So how many of you are familiar with the program we run on the Internet? All right. Thank you, Tokyo. So for those of you... Fantastic. For those of you who aren't aware, we are a comedy podcast where we pick a shitty movie every week

and just kind of poke some fun holes in it. Yeah. And I mean, like, honestly, if you're repulsed by us, you could close your eyes and now you're just listening to a podcast again. You know what I mean?

Like that... That's the beauty of it. They were like, do you want stools? People in the back might not see you. I was like, hmm. Do you have a shroud? What's the...

Dude, we should have just done it behind a screen like the gorillas? Oh, that. That'd be so cool. Oh, you know what? Us as like cool cartoons, better podcast. Definitely. So the film in question tonight is a little picture called Waterworld.

It's from 1999, directed by, or 95 rather, directed by Kevin Reynolds, not Kevin Costner. He was probably pretty peeved about that. I'm not going to what? That's Kevin Costner. I kind of feel like if he did direct it, it would somehow be longer. And I say somehow. Yes. Because I don't know how this movie could be longer.

All right. Did he direct that post-apocalyptic postman movie? Yeah, he did. That was all Costner. It was full costner. Woo. And if you're not familiar with this movie, it's, what if water was more than people?

There was more water than people. Isn't that still the case? But what would happen? How many people could you fit in the Mariana trench, honestly? There's a lot of water in there. Let's not find out. world, huh? Let's move to a better place. Yeah, well, I mean, this is, it's an appropriate

night to do water world because the world is dying outside, so... Yeah, oh my God, 70 degrees in this town? What the fuck is that? Yeah. I mean, it's just as hot, you know, up the coast, but yikes. You know, as another tagline from a film we did one time, I think, the coast is toast.

Yeah. A little volcano tagline? Or the, I don't know, the land is nothing. Got nothing. The land is going to be nothing. Yeah, yeah. So this is like Mad Max for idiots. Yes. It's kind of...

It's where we're working. That's the keyhole that we're fitting in and turning to unlock Waterworld. Because it had been a couple of years for Mad Max. Yeah. He snuck on in with some water. He was like George Miller's just sitting on this shit and he's never going to make another one. And if he did, it would probably be terrible. So I'll help him out with Waterworld.

We do get a special universal logo. Oh, we love these special studio logos, right? It's our Universal Globe, and then the Universal logo goes away, and it's just Earth. Oh, but then water starts creeping in and taking over, and all of a sudden, it's goodbye, America, and it's just a few little places, and then almost nothing. And Al Gore's like, that's a documentary is what's going to happen. Oh, my God, I just invented it. Someone get me a laser pointer and a large sheet of paper.

Oh, man. What we get to That's like you know right away There is like a misfire with this movie Is the the voiceover that explains like what water world is Which let's be real Should be James Earl Jones Why not?

Because you couldn't get him And you got the inner world trailer guy to open And how fucking confusing In a Waterworld First of all it should have been in a water world But how confusing for the audience You're sitting in the theater you're so pumped to be watching Waterworld.

And then all of a sudden, trailer guy comes on and you're like, wait, no, this is a trailer for something? I thought Waterworld was starting. Oh, you'd be like, oh, my God, somebody ripped off Waterworld before it came out. There's going to be another Waterworld coming out in a couple of months. That's like getting a deep impact trailer at the front of Armageddon. You're like, wait, what the fuck?

It's the same thing. Or Dante's Peak in front of, what was the other one? Be careful of. Okay, no, I just said it. Be careful of Splash Land. Wait, land? Listen, one, name for a fetish porn. Oh, come on, we're all adults here.

It's a 9.45 Joe. I think what you want is the splash sphere. Oh, splash sphere? Oh, and then Dustin Hoffman's kind of seeing aliens with Sam Jackson and Sharon Stone. We were figuring out what that movie was about. Man, he is screaming up a storm in that movie. You want to watch Dustin Hoffman break his lungs, watch Sphere.

You want to watch Leav Schreiber fall down the stairs and die, watch Sveir. He doesn't even get killed by an alien in that movie. He hits his head. Harrison Ford had a worse injury on the set of Force Awakens. So, like any great, classic Hollywood blockbuster, you want to open your picture with your protagonist, pissing into a cup, filtering it, and chugging it down.

Just an ice-colle. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. Gigi Allen's here tonight. Like, it's the underrated, it's the unrated water world. It splashes all over the place. Look out for Splash World. It's been a while. Is that how Godfather 2 begins? It's been like a long time. Yes, yes. You know what? Like Pacino's like it's really the crown hangs heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets out of bed in the morning. Diane Keaton's like, Michael, it's Vegas.

And he pisses into a coffee cup and drinks it. So it's not the first time in cinema history where that's happened. Why is that so important to get on the table immediately? Because they knew that's all anybody was going to be talking about was drinking piss. Speaking of drinking piss. Yeah. After that scene, I was like, what does the novelization say? Because if it's the only thing that can amplify drinking.

piss, it's descriptively laying out the game plan for pissing, filtering it, and drinking it. So, Eric? Yeah, we sometimes do like, off the box. This is off the book. Off the book. A yellow-stained glass speaker at his feet was no challenge for an aim

long since perfected. Can I stop you right there for a second? Okay. I mean, doesn't everyone have their aims long since perfected? I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't Sometimes I get the splash plan. But listen, you live in quite literally a water world.

Wash that cup. Yellow stained? Just, you've got to lean over the sun and rinse it. Yellow stained cup, you idiot writer. You're breaking the atmosphere. Eric has the audience in a spell right now. His urine arched. And it splash into the glass was his giant.

gentle, as the lazy waves his ship cut through. Oh, man, we're getting real poetic with his pee-riding. Soon, he rebuttoned his pants, cut off jeans much older than he, and plucked the beaker of precious

yellow fluid from the deck and proceeded to his homemade water recycling system. Thank God for that. He poured the piss into the... Oh, and now... No, they don't say piss. They say piss. Come on.

Come on, guys. Yeah. We say piss in Splashland. He poured the piss into the plastic funnel that began the process and stood tapping his foot. There's no foot tapping in the motion picture, by the way. You know what that's? I have a bachelor's degree in creative writing. Oh, man, here we go again.

Little FYI. Tapping feet means you're waiting. Just a little thing. Yeah, he's waiting for the piss to be filtered. Salinger did that shit all the time. Wrote about drinking piss? Yes. That's what Fran Eden's do he's about.

Oh. While the liquid made its passage through the globes and filters and hoses and valves of a contraption whose design had been sold to him on an atoll by an old wizened trader. Okay. Who claimed the original inventor had been a very great scientist in the land days. Oh, okay. named Rube Goldberg

Fuck you stupid book By the way I want the scene of Kevin got They say that like this trader came Yeah please pass that around Everyone It's a it's a material to be looked at by everybody

It's free Oh it's coming soon The passage about This traitor like coming and making this deal and making this deal. How is Kevin Costner getting sold on this? Like, yeah, all you do is piss into a cup, put it in a thing, and I promise you can drink it.

Like, that's taking a risk. If it tastes like piss, it means it's nutritious. I know, seriously. And you're not getting, like, all the piss taste out, right? No, never. It's a yellow tinted glass. Oh, that's right. It's not the 1960s when that was cool.

You know what? It's not cooling it down any. I'll tell you that. That is a hot cup. Warm musky glass of water to wake you up in the morning. Oh, but I get odd. Thank you so much for coming. That was it.

That was everything. What I love in the movie, too, this little great detail is he drinks almost all of it, but then he spits some back into a lime tree he's been working on. With the lime tree, he's like, yeah, thanks. Not only am I drinking your recycled urine, it's also been in. in your mouth. Are we, now here, now, a lot of this conversation today is trying to, like,

understand the ins and outs of the water world. Yes. Right? Is it not raining? Do we not get rain? You know, I did not see rain. No, there's no cloudy... Because if it rains, stop spitting on that lime tree. And just for clarification, you're talking about whether or not the

Mortal Kombat character. Yes. Whether or not rain comes in in his purple jumpsuit and fights the mariner. Which is his name, by the way. What's that? Oh, a purple ninja outfit? When I say jump suit?

It would be great if in the middle of this, the clouds part and Shao Khan is like, you can keep it and comes back. No. By the way, you also want to talk about, you know, talk about tropes of people that know this show. I would have killed myself a long, long time ago. Without question.

It would have been a thing where we were sitting around, presumably in a boat. And, like, you would kill Eric, and then you would kill me and then kill yourself. Yeah, absolutely. And that would be the end of We Hate Movies Waterworld. Also, don't even ask my opinion. Just do it.

Anytime I'm in a future wherein I have to wear only patched clothes. Yeah. It's over with it. And everything is dirty. Like, again, the Mad Max universe, instant suicide. Absolutely. Instant suicide. I might want to try and hang out with that guy playing the cool songs for like a day.

Oh, yeah. That dude shredded the fuck out of that movie. Yeah. Flame guitar. haven't seen that since an ACDC concert Absolutely. That guy had it figured out in the post-apocalypse. So, Kevin Kossner. Oh, yeah.

Looks like shit in this movie. Oh, yeah. Not only shit, wet shit. Yeah, wet dog shit. He looks like, you ever see those things when Jake the Snakes on Hard Times? That's what he looks like this entire film. It's like before he finds Jesus and or yoga.

It's that Jake the Snake we get. It's like selling $30 autographs at a VFW Hall? Absolutely, yeah. Or, you know, insert any retired professional wrestler, I don't care. They're all doing it. It's weird because...

If they're still alive, very good. Costner is, like, so incredibly vain and such a dick, and that's, that's lore and legend. But why would he let himself have this terrible mop on his head that just shows his thinning hair so poorly? Listen, we meet Dennis Hopper later in the film and he's a cue ball flip flop that flip flip flop it shave kevin costner's head in this movie he's a noted

swimmer you know aerodynamics exactly felt shaves it yeah he does he saves a lot of things yeah every which way but loose oh yeah no he's barren i like it it's smooth ridges all over but it's like what i didn't mean like he can't have children i meant he's bear of hair he might be barren i don't know so um Kevin Gossner takes his ugly ass into a space port or a seaport, right? An atoll, what they call them? It's like a floating garbage dump that people live on.

Again, suicide instantly. And this is the most expensive movie ever made at the time, right? That was the whole point. Until Titanic rolled around, yeah. Man, better movie. Oh, yeah. And I rarely say that about that film. But it's hands down.

better than water world. Here's a question. Why is water so expensive? If the two most expensive movies are Titanic and Water World, you've got to rent all those pools. Yeah, that's true. And you've got to heat them. Presumably. Boats aren't cheap. Boats are more

expensive than cars, right? Yeah, that's... Tell Jay Leno that. It'd be great to see him be a boat enthusiast. We're in this... It's like a trading post, like an outpost thing. And here's a message to all the people at this trading post. Stop.

saying water world okay it's water world the water world cafe is over here the water world fucking auto body shop is there a flag there might be a flag

it's probably some kind of like pirate-esque flag oh tattered as shit like everything in this world even like going to Disney like I don't even like saying tomorrow land that much even if I'm going to tomorrow land I'm like hey you want to go to the future one like

Exactly. Any of that shit is really stupid sounding. Waterworld. Like, why would anyone even... And also the thing is, this is 500 years in the future after the ice caps melt. Why would they specifically call it Waterworld? Wouldn't it just be fucking whirled at that point? Yeah, totally.

Hey, we're on Earth, which we never say because that's awkward and weird. Well, it's 500 years, so we've presumably, like, forgotten a lot of that stuff. Yeah. Wait, hold on a second. Are we supposed to be calling this land world? Oh, that's a good call. Land Earth? Land Earth, yes.

Planet Land Earth. You know, it's one of those don't know what you got till it's gone situations. Oh, yeah. So it's like we might as well use it now until we can't say it anymore. And we have to fucking say water world.

You know, another thing, here's an interesting point of confusion about the water world of water world, right? So everything, and this is, we're in 500 years in the future. Everything's been covered in water, right? And, you know, society,

has crumbled, uh, the banks are gone, you know, nations are gone, everything is gone. You know what's not gone? Big tobacco. How is everyone smoking in this movie? They even, they couldn't be beat by Waterworld. Those fuckers rose to the top. So much so that, that, uh, Dennis Hopper's crew is known as smokers. Yeah, there's a whole gang named after smoking. Everyone's got a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. People are desperate to grow like tomatoes. They're like, oh, please, little tomato plant. I hope you grow. But tobacco is fine. Dude, there's secret barges

out in the water just growing crops and endless crops of tobacco plants. How do you keep them dry? Honestly, you got all the cigarettes? Well, no, because the tobacco barges are the only boats in this world that have bottoms to it. Everyone else is like

skimmers with nets and pontoon boats. Build a fucking bottom to your boat, please. Maybe you'll stop falling in the ocean. Yes. Religious. Relax for a minute. It makes no sense. Everyone's sleeping on hammocks in this movie, which, like, I love a good hammock.

But I'm not sleeping on a hammock laying over Waterworld. Bottom of your boat, please. You also get, like, you know, attacked by pirates less from, like, sneaking. A lot of sneak attacks by pirates in this movie. Tons of Pirates. It's Waterworld, man. So what does he do? And he's, like, selling, like, dirt he found?

Yeah, he's got a bunch of dirt. Yeah, dirt is currency. Cigarettes and dirt. That's all it is. Well, apparently my old man would be rich. All hail, King Siska. He gets, and also, money still exists for some reason. What do they call it?

Chits. Get some chits, and he, he empties out a bag of chits that he makes, and it's like old Legos and pen caps and other horseshit. And that's currency. And that's currency. Why have currency? You know what? Well, great question.

It makes no sense. Cigarette should be currency. That's what I was going to say? Yes. It's like prison. Waterworld would function better if we had a prison economy. He goes to a water bar and he... Get some pruno.

What's that? Oh, that's prison wine. Okay. Right? That's made in the toilet? In the back of my head, I was like, that kind of sounds good. I don't know what it is. I don't know.

I'm sure it's good. Yeah, it's like, you know, grapes fermented under a radiator or something. I don't know how you do that. You know what, guys, surprisingly, I have... haven't done time. The night is young. I get my wine at a liquor store. He goes to a water bar attended by

Geneer Gershahn. You know, good, not Gino Gershian. Gershon. I wish. No, Gene Tripplehorn. Gene Triplehorn, yeah. Oh, you know what? Better movie of Gene Gershons in it.

Buy like this much, but it would be better. You know what, any improvement you can make on Waterworld, more power to you. Yeah, so Gene Triplehorn's here, and she's, like, kind of acting in this movie. Yeah. Not really. Well, it's one thing.

you got to realize about this movie is, well, it sure does hate the ladies. She's just kind of slap fodder for most of this movie. And, like, almost getting raped like 14 times. I literally lost count. 13 of those are by Kevin Costner. Our

hero, ladies and gentlemen. The guy who drinks his piss and punches women in the face. Root for him. Fucking root for the mariner. Well, he's got gills. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we haven't talked to that. He's a superhero. Let's talk about how the Mariner is a mutant.

He's a mutant in this movie. I was purposely saying it stupidly. Yeah, you look at the guy with the glasses. Mutants. He knows mutants. All right, let's talk about the X-Men. Oh, here we go. How much time you got.

I guess he's the only mutant in the world. But everyone knows what mutants are. Big problem. They're never like, oh, it's one of them mutants. You know what I mean? It's like, that guy's got weird gross feet, which I do, personally. Yeah, but you've got like, Hobbit feet. He's got like creature from

the black lagoon feet. Sure. Different feet. And he's got weird like gills behind his ears. Behind his ears. That's where they go on a human. If you're designing a human they can breathe underwater gills behind a ears. But my lungs are like down this. Okay, sure. I'm not asking you how it works. I'm just telling you that's how it would work. And like, I guess

that's the one thing we're still racist against. They want to put him to death immediately when they find out that he's a mutant. Yeah, but this is what it needs to be. It needs to be like, what is that? And they're like, discovering that humanity is evolving and this is the first documented case instead of the way they react which is you think like waterworld would be rotten with these people yeah he's the only one you ever mean maybe they've been putting them to death do you i think what they should have done

you know what yeah possibly they should have held them down and like figured out what that stuff was right like start poking sticks oh yeah experiment yeah why not like an alien autopsy yes oh Kevin Costner, Alien Autopsy, Better Movie. The way you kill somebody on Waterworld for being a mutantant is drowning them, I guess, raw sewage? Yeah, and it's a couple of things with this raw sewage. One, I think it's made of people. Maybe it's mutant stew.

They call it recycling. They do call it recycling, which also leads me to believe you never learn what it's being recycled for. I think they're eating it. Probably. I think this is Waterworld cuisine. Waterworld, colon, too much toilet talk for my taste. We're talking about piss.

We're drowning people in shit. Waterworld, colon, colon. So he's in a cage and like, Gene or Gershant. No, man, I know. I want her to be in this movie, too. But we're stuck with Gene Triplehorn, and we have been for the last 20 years. By the way, 20th anniversary of Waterworld this year.

I'm surprised it hasn't been erased from public record by now. Is it in the Library of Congress? Does anyone work there? When do you guys want to reveal Kevin Koster behind the curtain? Do you want to wait? Kevin, come on. It's like the elephant man. You know, if we had him here,

he'd be wearing those goddamn jean shorts like I'm told in the novelization. Where do they get that from? Older than he. He's wearing like David Bowie pants in this movie. So he's in a cage and he's like slowly getting lowered in. Michael Jeter figures in right now. He's got like some kind of Terry Gilliam airboat kind of thing.

Yeah, another thing that doesn't belong in this movie is weird fake science where he's flying around. Because we're looking for dry land and the little girl has a map on her back of dry land. Oh, right, yeah. And everyone's like going apeshit about this map. Where no one, and then it's like, we've got to steal the little girl.

Like, why do you just like ask her to stand still for four minutes? Yeah. Get a piece of paper and pen and be like, got it. Oh, wait. Hold on. Or just cut you so much, little girl. Have a good day. Or just cut it off her back.

I mean, there's also that. Well, it's Steve Eric's right. It's water work. Oh, yeah, that's true. We don't have time to be tracing things. Just kill her and take it. But like the amount of energy spent on. Also, where did that myth come from?

Who's done this rumor? I think there's a word that they're not using in this movie, but we hear it a lot in horseshit things like this. There's probably a prophecy somewhere. Oh, yeah. Someone has prophesied. something or other, and then the next thing you know, all of Waterworld

has heard the tale of the girl with the map on her back that leads to land or something. I don't know what else it could be, but it's, it's spread. So it's like, it's lore now. Yes. We don't have traditional storytelling anymore. There's nothing left but cigarettes and dirt.

And chits. You know what? Here's a chit. It's fucking five chits right here. Waterworld prop. This is like a quarter. and you put them together you could buy somebody in Waterworld Gene here's something

Gene Triple Horn saves Kevin Costner from drowning in his own feces and he's a dick to her the entire movie like you should be kissing her feet for the rest of your life Oh totally and she's like look if you take us with you on your boat and get us out of here

because we hate living in this like barge can'tina nonsense place I'll open this lock and let you out and he's like spitting in her face and she's like I could have sworn you were the hero of this story maybe I'm wrong you ever like go to the bathroom and realize you were not a toilet paper and then you call out for someone to give you a toilet paper

yeah oh yeah and those people are great heroes right yes thank you so much oh my first responder yeah exactly you don't have to like waddle to the linen closet you know what I mean like someone does it for you and you know what it's that times a million yeah totally times literally one One million. So he begrudgingly agrees to do this.

And they break him out when he's, like, chin deep in poop soup or whatever this is. Oh, yeah, it's poop soup. It's like a canceled Nickelodeon game show pilot. That's what this is. Mark Summers needs you to get out of a cage before you drown in human shit. Somehow Nickelodeon didn't pick it up. They did produce that pilot, though, and it's pretty filthy. In full on YouTube

Instead they went with hey dude You know what Let's take the teen western comedy That's kind of poop soup Just a little bit But you know what's great Is he gets out of this thing And he's just like

Ah what am I going to do next today Jump in the water immediately Oh yeah get all of that goop off Yes before it hardens Oh man Hardened poops Then you're in trouble then it's a whole different movie

then it's the quest to scrape that off to do it. They all get on his asshole boat you know what I mean and he starts treating them like shit from jumpstreet and it's like why am I watching this movie about this ugly dude such an asshole treating a woman and a little girl a little girl he is yelling at this little girl left and right

oh my goodness when she gets into the crayon box he has crayon He literally has a box of crayons that he loves doodling with but she's like and this innocent child played by a young Tina Margarino from like Veronica Mars and other thing

that Napoleon Dynamite that people watch and enjoy she's like doodling on this boat because she's an innocent child and he comes over ready to punch a kid in the face for taking his crayons and doodling on his boat a boat that exists in a shit

covered disgusting post-apocalyptic world where there's no land and nothing but water and pirates could kill you at every turn he's concerned about doodles on a boat i i think his brain is mutant too it's disgusting and so like we get this like this long trip this long boring trip of them trying to find land and we're sort of uh the the the villain of this movie is the great dennis hopper uh yeah the great late The late great Dennis Hopper, he's playing deacon. He's been dead for years, you guys. He's the leader of the smokers man.

Hey, man, I'm the deacon, but there's no religious affiliation, man. It just sounds cool. Constantly smoking in this movie, man. And he's bald, and, you know, he tries, they lay a siege upon this disgusting barge. Like, you know what, he's kind of doing the Lord's work in this movie. Sink those fucking things. I think our, if we didn't kill ourselves, Waterworld, I think we'd be the hammers, wherein we are, like, still making ham somehow.

We have pigs on a boat? The hammers? Yeah, the hammers. Pigs on a boat? Yeah. Sign me up. Yeah. It's like snakes on a plane, right?

We got to get these pigs off this boat. Yeah, get those motherfucking pigs off that motherfucking, but you know what? Kind of a good idea. Dude, we would rule Waterworld. If we could replicate ham. Or, like, bacon, you could probably, is there salt? Oh, you get the salt from the salt water. Yeah, you're done.

Burned a bunch of pork. Great idea. No, I figured out an easier way to replicate ham. Oh, thank God. Human flesh. Right, you know what? And that brings us to a great question. Where's all the cannibalism in this movie? You should be eating people left and right. Definitely.

I think George Miller was like watching this. Like, if there's one cannibal, I am really going to sue. And they're like, all right, we'll be really good here. Dude, that boring Ron Howard whale movie has a cannibal scene in it. Why not Waterworld? Yeah, I already saw that whale movie. Oh. It's in theaters now.

Is it? Yeah, I think so. The point is, we're people in that movie. Yeah, it's only at the water world multiplex. Can we get to the useless nude scene for a second? Sure, with the hay. Which Gene Triplehorn did not do. It was a body double.

That she personally cast, though. Like, why does this movie need butt cheeks? Like, what? And if we do. why is it not Kevin Costner's butt cheeks? Didn't we get butt cheeks in Bull Durham? Yeah, he's going around. Showing butt cheeks?

Yeah, he's a guy who's going to show you his butt cheeks. He's like, hey, Susan Sarandon, check out these butt cheeks while I throw this baseball. That's what the movie's about, right? Yeah. And Susan Sarandon's in it? Yeah, she is. Or all my facts were correct. The joke stands.

Well, she's like, he's like, why should I keep you on my awesome shit boat? Stop looking at my crayons. And she's like, well, I don't know, sex or something. You're like, are you touching my lime tree? I spit on that every morning. I swear to God, if my word search is done when I get down there, I'm going to be fucking pissed. I swam all the way to the bottom of the ocean to get that etch of sketch. And if you're dirty little fucking fingers are on it, I swear you're going over, baby.

And I'm like, ooh, I hope there's a sequel. I can't wait to watch the corner of this guy. He's so cool. I want his action figure. I want him to live. I want a box it. I want him to get the girl this piece of shit. Man, you know, what happened?

Like, the little girl insults his hairstyle next? Oh, that's the last straw. Shucks are overboard. Yeah. We're throwing children overboard in this movie. And this is when we find out she can't swim, which makes zero sense. If there's one thing you could do in Waterworld, it's drink your piss. Well, yes, followed by swimming.

And smoking. Yes. You smoking yet, little girl? I bet you can't smoke either. So who jumps in the water to save her, Gina Gershahn? Gene Triplehorn, I guess. Yeah, no, it's definitely Gene, but we've got confirmation on Triplehorn. So she saves her, and she's like, dude, you're a dick.

And he's like, how could I guess that that little girl can't swim? That was me being playful. You know what? guessing whether or not she can swim aside, let's not throw children off a moving boat. How about that? All right, that's fair. And he begrudgingly turns around to get them.

It's like your dad really annoyed that he's got to pull over at the rest area. He's making great time on this road trip, but all those kids have to go to the bathroom. We're just going to pull over. He's just like, I'm going to turn this fucking boat around. But if you go in the water one more time, it's a water world for you.

That's strike one. I think, oh, at some point, When does he decide to cut their hair Like fucking Like it's lay Mizarab on this boat Man, they're just like sitting in a coffin Singing a song That happens in that movie I think

Yeah And he's like late He tackles Gene Triplehorn to the deck And has a knife out and you're like All right, here we go hero And he's like He's doing like that mafia knife game With the fingers

But with her head and you're like What the fuck's going on? And she sits up and it's like magic haircut This is like you're laying your fish man dominance on these people

Then he's like I'm not done yet Yeah Give me that little girl This is for the crayons And he cuts her hair off You lost my fucking burnt sienna

Went overboard I feel like 21 years ago Kevin Costner woke up in the middle the night with a great idea He drove to the head of universal

And was like look But he's honking outside his house The middle of the night He's like I got a great idea What if Ted Bundy had gills what

what are you talking about kill Bundy kill Bundy Al's cousin they visit it on a couple episodes like this guy's a piece of shit it's two hours and 15 minutes of a terrible person doing

terrible things but I got to love him because you're selling this VHS tape at fucking McDonald's over Christmas the next thing that happens is this other guy gets on the boat the most annoying character that's ever existed? Oh, the drifter. The drifter, yeah.

This is drifter who's doing like an Irish Robin Williams. Yeah. I guess it's the only way you can describe it. It really is. If you go back and watch it, it's like, oh, he's kind of doing a Robin Williams impression. Oh, but it's with an Irish accent.

And he's mumbling and making stuff up. And of course, you know, this guy's kind of a rapist too. Of course he. Well, Kevin Costner sells her, right? Yeah, well, it's trading. Yeah, okay. This is how it works in Waterworld. Yeah, it's like you'll get like 40 chits a child or something.

Right, well, in this case, it's Denny's maps, I think. Ooh, an activity card. You could have them all. For 30 minutes with the older one, but he wants the younger one. Sure, that's what I want to think about in this movie. That's cool. And you know what? I want that play set.

Yes. One where the little girl was almost sold. And what is our heroes saying? All right. Yeah. But this is what's insane about the content of this. This movie had collector's cups. this was like you're going to Burger King

someone's telling you about Waterworld right like it's happening this is a real I Got Kids Here situation You're sitting there You're some poor bastard parent in 1995 With two kids in a PG-13 movie And the threat of child rape Is at every turn in this movie

By the hero of the film How confusing And if he's not doing it He's selling him to the buddy, his buddies Your kid's like Is that what my first haircut's gonna be like? If you keep it up, it will. I'll stay away from your crayons, dad.

So, like the hero he is, he actually, at the last minute, he's like, perpetrating a crime activity cards and, like, goes down and, like, murders this dude, right? Oh, yeah, doesn't he chokes him and then kind of breaks his neck or something? Yeah, he stabs him in the back. Oh, is that what happens? Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. He's covered with red liquid. We're led to believe it's blood.

Sure. But there's no wound. No, yeah. I want to see a gaping wound. Well, you can't have violence in your movies. You can have useless nudity and, you know, sexual violence. But the second you get any kind of, like, stabby kind of violence, no, that's going to be an R rating. That's going to be an American R rating.

That's what that is. Figure out how that system works. I feel like any time anyone drinks their pee in any circumstance, it's an R, right? It should be. NC17. Yes, I don't. I don't need it. Yeah, no.

Dennis Hopper, by the way, we're not talking about him enough in this movie. He starts out as like a young, fresh-eyed Dennis Hopper, right? And then one of them fresh eyes gets popped out, right? Because, like, on this siege of this barge or whatever, something, something, there's an explosion. Because we're just smoking around gasoline constantly. It's been 500 years.

We still are doing that. You ever see someone smoking at a gas station, by the way? Don't you want to strangle them? You're like, I could die at any second? I don't want to die. a fucking Circle K parking lot. Let's not turn this really easy convenience into a

John Wu movie. Put that shit out. So there's a explosion and his eye gets knocked out. So we've got this scene that you know where this has done better in that Tim Burton Batman when Jack Nicholson's like asking for the mirror

that's what this is, just terrible. And it's this guy who's like, I guess Dennis Hopper's, you know, beautician or something. Mob doctor. Oh, no, it's definitely a mob doctor. You're totally right. And he's like, all right, I think I did the best I could.

And it's like the silliest little fake, dumb eye. And this guy's like drawn eyelashes on him and shit. You know what? You know you're headed for an eye patch. Why are we trying to fake this eye? And it falls out and we've got like eyeball comedy. And I'm surprised a dog doesn't come and pick it up and eat it and run away. I'm surprised Kevin Koster doesn't try to eat it.

You know what I mean? Like, why not? That's like Prime Eaton. He's eaten all those limes raw as they can be. Did Dennis Hopper steal the coat in this movie from Marrier Brothers? Is that possible? That was hot off the set of Mario Brothers. I'm keeping this one.

Some, like, costume manager lost their job over that missing coat. And then years later saw Waterworld and was like, fucking Hopper! That was supposed to go to Planet Hollywood, Tampa. Man, that restaurant. It's got a lot of stupid stuff in it. You know, that's why you can't have 90 of those. You can have five.

It's like if you had like 90 Smithsonian's all over the place and you had like five Archie Bunker chair type things to put in all of them, not a good idea, Sly Stallone and friends. Thinking about Waterworld, like I guarantee you at some point, like Slice Stallone was thinking about like, oh man, if there's a planet Hollywood hotel, the pool bar is Waterworld, right? Oh, yeah. You know, great idea, Sylvester Stallone.

Sylvester Stallone say that. You're saying Stallone Waterworld, I want a Stallone water world, maybe air world? Oh, yeah. It's all just air. How does that work exactly? Cites. Any hang gliders? If the whole earth turned into like Cloud City from Empire?

Yeah, all right. Yeah, I'm down. Let's just live on kites forever And Stallone's walking around Oh yeah Lying around Yeah, it'd have to be They'd be like

Like lightning would be the bad guy In that movie Put that fucking key away Cigarettes would still exist Obviously Oh yeah you're smoking all over that paper kite Guaranteed So this is like

I mean this movie's two and a half hours long Oh sure Of like Kevin Koster intimidating people And then like Every so often Dennis Hopper gets really close to him and then they get away.

They escape somehow. Yeah. You know, another thing about, like, Dennis Hopper's main thing that he lives on this barge or whatever, my favorite character in this movie, is the old little prospector guy that lives in the oil tanker for some reason.

This guy has, quite possibly, the worst life in Waterworld. How is that possible? Because you live inside an oil tanker. You're on a little boat. It's like something out of the hobbit. This guy's going to ask, get questions or something and he's going to take you across

the water? Yeah. But it's oil and you're in the dark constantly. Nothing? Yeah, sounds good. You know what? He has the best moment in the movie later on. At least he's not drinking his own piss. That's true. I'd rather drink oil. Do you think that's what that guy's doing? He's getting high. Oh, you know what? All those fumes? Hold on a second. Best life in

water world? Oh yeah. Also, if we're growing tobacco, how are we not growing wacko tobacco? That's got to be around. I'd like to escape Waterworld if you don't mind for just a minute. Listen. Just one minute. Before I inevitably commit suicide in Waterworld, I would be high as a kite during the whole thing. Like when you know it's turning into Waterworld, like the final news broadcast is like there's probably going to be Waterworld tomorrow.

Get in a boat, light up, and just watch it happen. Bring like a couple of records with you. Yeah, I like that. And then when everything runs out, suicide time. I'd be like, hey, Andrew, you want to drink her? Oh, you killed yourself. We're drinking her own piss now. It's awesome. I was coming over a six-pack of my own piss.

We're going to watch clouds. Are there no moments of joy in Waterworld? That's kind of a question. I don't think so. No one's just watching clouds? Everyone's dressed like a lost boy in hook. So how could... Those kids were having fun.

They were. Budbutt loved Roland. that ramp. Rupio ran into some hard times, but otherwise they were fine. I guarantee you, Kevin Koster's eating some imaginary food in this movie. I never got the imaginary food in that movie, because it's all just

different colored frosting. Speaking of imaginary food, he hunts a crack in this... Oh, man. Using himself as bait. This giant CGI flounder or something jumps out of the water. Talk about not holding up, by the way,

the computer graphics of this monster. star, which, okay, there's one mutant and one monster in this movie. That's it. The sea should be, that's your movie. It's not oil pirates that smoke constantly. It's the threat of sea monsters. How cool

is that? Squids, all that shit. Or make up fake ones like this giant bass that he catches. You know, if he's a fish person, why is it Dennis Hopper? I'm sorry for the makeup. Oh, wait, that's the cannibalism. Why isn't he a shark person with a little fin on his head? That'd be so cool. Now I'm a shark.

person. Here comes Dennis Hopper. Oh, oh, oh, if he could, if he could like shape-shift into his shark. Yeah. Yes, right. Better moving. Now, is that like when there's a full moon? Oh, yeah. Like a wearer shark? I feel like Shia Khan is now like parting the clouds again. Like, you're kind of talking me into this one. Hey, this is getting good. He could be like a night wolf. Yes. But just into a shark. Yeah. That's great. Oh, would he be throw? What would he throw, though? If he's Wolf, he'd have to have, like, neon things that he threw. I don't know, teeth. Sure.

Hey, why? What sharks have those in space? Chit's chits. Chuck's chits at people. We are a little bit above Denver at this point. By the way. Oh, yeah, sure. She's like, well, then how, you know, if there's no dry land, like you're saying, Mariner, how'd you get all that dirt?

She is really grilling him about this dirt. He's like, you want to see dirt? You want to see dirt? I'll sell you dirt. Get in this balloon thing and let's go. Why does he have such a contraption? That's a great question. Why would he need it?

He doesn't need it. It's for guests only. Is he expecting someone over at the house? I don't get it. Hostages. Oh, that's what it is. He takes people down there to threaten them. And he's like, I'll pop this bubble.

I'm the hero of this movie. You'll drown. Also, how is she... This is really stupid. Just to describe it, you go inside of a bubble. He leads her down with his gills, and we see the ruined city of Denver for some reason. I mean, you got to pick a city, why not?

And he goes right down to the road there, and he's like, look at this dirt. Yeah, that's where I get my dirt. It's kind of awesome, because it's the biggest fuck you in the movie. He scrapes the dirt off the ocean floor, holds it in front of her, and goes, boom. Yeah. There's your dirt, stupid.

And she's just like, oh, man. That's like, here's a $100,000. Fuck you. You know, by the I wish I could cut your hair again, you stupid dummy. Mariner, this business operation of yours, it doesn't make any sense. Get down there, get a ton of this dirt.

He runs into this, like, swimming city, this floating city with, like, kind of just a little bottleful. You could be the richest man in Waterworld, dude. You could live on that entire thing. You could buy everybody else off. Yeah. Live like a king. He could be the King of Waterworld. Bill Gates of Waterworld?

Yeah. I'd still kill myself. Who is that a... shitlin air also I guess Denver's it's like the mile high city so like that kind of yeah I guess see how much water's in this water world even Denver didn't make it

or something there's a lot of dumb things oh actually very smart universal pictures we still in water world in the post apocalypse we find a way to wedge in Pepsi this is a crushed Pepsi can on the bottom oh yeah just right right in front of your face didn't you wish you had an ice coat Pepsi and Waterworld?

No, I don't. I'll take non-urin. Yeah, any kind. Let me tell you, you'd be drinking Pepsi. You'd be drinking a lot of Pepsi. It'd be great if it was Mountain Dew and just like, oh, it's the same thing. Also, this bubble thing looks big enough for two people. How is it in Waterworld, where there are pirates on your tail that you know?

You know they're coming for you. Sure. You leave a little girl to guard that boat. bad decisions left and right mariner also describe it to her that's easy yeah i can just i can swim down there and that's how i get dirt i don't have to take 28 minutes to show this to you do you remember how i have gills yeah uh also that thing that wouldn't make sense because her like head would pop off yeah yeah the pressure that pressure she's finished she's totally finished you know let's not think too much about water world what i do want to talk about is some of the lingo in this movie

Oh, please. What do we call gasoline in this world? We call it Goju's. And didn't they want that to catch on? They wanted a cross-promotion with like Shell or Mobile or somebody. Go-Jews. 2.15 a gallon. No, it was 95. It was like, what, 98 cents? Thanks, Clinton.

I still can't believe there's no cannibalism in this movie. But what is more unbelievable is how there is a bonding scene in this movie where where this jean triple horn like sob story is given and like Kevin Costner kind of gives one back and then somehow he doesn't hate them anymore. It's just like a life is hard in Waterworld. Yeah, it sure is. Well, all right, that's a common thing we found.

Hey, remember you tried to sell me yesterday? Yeah. I'm still a little raw about that. Remember when you forcefully took my gene triple horn hair and then that kid's hair? They put her in this, like, dumb wig After the kid gets a haircut It's almost like she has more hair than she did

Before the haircut Nobody checked that Why would you? Hey, why would you? It's just Waterworld There is a scene where they kiss under water And, like, he's able to breathe for her Oh, yeah, well, you got to have that man

That's like any sexy mermaid tale I think that happened in Hook But the thing is It does actually, yeah Yeah, Peter gets Yeah, sexy mermaids in that movie He's like, I'm a man now I can make out with mermaids

Oh, man, coming to Neverland is a man's pretty cool. Apparently, though, you could breathe underwater if you kiss a fish. I think that's what happened. Gills, right? Yeah, that's how it works. You've got to get a big enough fish and really, like, suck it into it. Oh, yeah, totally. You're, like, holding on to this fish for deer life.

You can't let that fish get away. I don't understand why more people aren't doing it. Yeah, you're right. It's crazy. Might I remind you, you came to the 945 show. You know, he's got like a sling on. the side of the boat of all of it's kissing fish no no those aren't for eating they're for kissing those are for eating those are for kissing those are for fucking urine is for drinking

fish is for kissing what a world hey um speaking of music how is that song from the blues brothers in this movie i don't know the name of it it's uh the burner naurner nurner why it's the all Only pop song in this movie. What are we thinking? That's when they're, like, driving rascal scooters around the Exxon Valdez. I don't. That's a bad decision. Only one song can exist because it goes well with cigarettes, man.

Actually, that's a good smoking and drinking too. Absolutely. The Peter Gunn theme. I think that's what it's called, right? Something like that. Can we talk about the number two in this movie? Who looks like? Wait, what?

The whole movie? Oh, no, we're not eating that, too, are we? No, no, no, no. Because you can't filter that. Dennis Hopper's Big Baddy. Oh, yeah. He looks like he band if you threw acid in his face. He's a melted action figure.

This guy slept in a microwave one night. And you're all like, oh man, that's a crazy special. Oh, that's what that guy looks like. And he's got way too many scenes in this. There's like not enough Dennis Hopper and there's way more of like this broken prince yelling at people. Well, because what should you become? Tina Margino gets kidnapped when everyone goes down to Denver for a while

when the devil went down to Denver. That's a great Charlie Daniels B-side, by the way. The rest of the movies she's spending like fucking telling the tale of the mariner to anyone who will listen, which is everybody. Oh yeah, you got to tell that tale. You know, I just really, this guy kind of looks like

Roger Daltrey if you got bitten by a bunch of bees. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You're totally right. If Roger Daltry played like a, like a, like some sort of like low-level mafia hitman in a family comedy like a bushwhacked two kind of a thing. And the kids defeated him by getting him stung by a bunch of bees

comically. I like that. So after this bonding scene, by the way, he's teaching this kid how to swim the next morning. It's cute. And well, it's pretty cute. But Gene Triplehorn wakes up from, you know, slumber, which you're not sleeping too well on this boat. Cotter, no. Not with this guy.

No. And she wakes up. Not with clippers over there. I don't know what's going to happen. She wakes up and hears her like laughing. and she doesn't know what the sound of laughter is anymore because it's waterworld. So she's like, this girl's screaming. She must be in trouble. And it's Kevin Costner in slow motion,

like dragging this girl around the water. Just like, and this is how you swim and I'm your dad now maybe. Hey, why not? And it lasts for like 10 minutes. And Gene Triplehorn's on the boat like, hmm. Just don't touch my fucking crayons, right?

Yeah. Oh, see, that's the thing. We didn't hear them. It's too far away. Like Gene Triplehorn can't hear what's. going on? He's like, if you fucking touch those crayons, one more time, you're going, dung,

dunk, I'm going to fucking kill you. Next time I'm not going to cut your hair. I'm going to cut your throat. Yay! Waterworld! You let slip a very important screenwriting tip that Kevin Costner gave to the writer, which was, and that last ten minutes?

And then that last ten minutes? And then that last ten minutes. That swimming scene? Ten minutes. Denver, fuck you, 10 minutes. Drinking my piss, 10 motherfucking minutes. Do you think he wanted to go back to the piss drinking, by the way? Oh, yeah. There is a passage in that book where they're like,

it's a deleted scene maybe from the movie, where Gene Triplehorn is yelling at him for hogging the piss water because some of it is hers. She points out, you know you're drinking some of mine. What a detail to put in this adaptation, by the way. Yeah, and then she's like, listen, And you drank half of all, all, because you know, in the book, he's collecting all their piss. A little girl, piss.

As you would be. Yeah. Sure. So she's like, let me give half of it to the little girl, please. And she does it. And in the narration, he's just like, wow, she actually didn't drink any of that piss. I guess she's trustworthy. This is what an unselfish person looks like in Waterworld.

It's Jean Triplehorn. She's the only one. I'm on a piss diet. Um, yeah, just... Just a little piss and lemon juice. It's great. Is anyone still here? Oh, wow, you're all here. Great.

Hey, cool. So at some point, Gene Triplehorn and the kid get kidnapped. Or just the kid does me? Just the kid. That's when she starts telling the tale of the Mariner. Oh, my God. The Mariners come and look out. He's like the Undertaker. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It is like you're telling the tale of like the pale rider. And this dude's going to blow into town and you're totally fucked down. Dennis Hopper. He's going to get you.

And it turns into a thing where it's like, the Mariner's going to get you and you better watch how one eye stupid bald man. And you're like, this was an action movie at one point. I swear to God. I think. Well, then Kevin Costner rides in on a jet ski and you're like, action movie. Sort of. A lot of jet ski stunts in this movie. A lot of dangerous jet ski stunts. At this point, all of the, like, Kevin Costner like blows up the whole Exxon Valdez, right?

Well, it's a pretty risky move by the Mariner. Okay. He knows that, yeah, by the way, Dennis Hopper's cruising around in the remains of the Exxon Valdez. Sure, that would last 500 years into the future. You'd find it somewhere. And so he knows he's got this oil bed underneath it. Like, how are we powering these jet skis? He's got an unlimited supply of oil.

And he's, like, got this match. And he's like, if you don't let my little daughter sort of go, we're going to blow this thing. as Hopper's like, yeah, right, man. But he just does it. He lets it drop. And it doesn't sink it. No. It's amazing.

Well, we get my favorite character, the prospector. He sees the oil light up. It's the only funny line in the movie where he goes, oh, thank God. And then gets nuked. This dude's instantly a skeleton. Yep. And like, the sides of this boat kind of blow out. Like, this thing's going up.

It's going up. done for. And Dennis Hopper's just like, hey man, that's not cool. You're sort of fucking with my boat, man. There's like flames here and flames there. Everybody would be dead. Yeah. But the weird thing is like, think about what a hillbilly version of the future this is. Because you have gasoline. What do you do? Maybe let's use that to, you know, create a great boat that everyone could live on or maybe like a heating system could be. No, man, jet skis. Yeah. You know what, Man, everybody's got a jet ski. It's fucking cool the future.

Do you think Waterworld just boosted sales of jetskies in 1995? Like some dude... Kawasaki had money in this shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Some dude in, you know, like wherever Florida was just like, oh my God. I can retire. Thanks, Waterworld!

He's got a Kawasaki business. Well, it's more like he's like worried about everything. And he's like, oh my God. All I need are these jet skis to get me through the winter. Like, he's like, once the shit, he's like a doomsday prepper with jet skis. Actually, you know, considering the weather today, that's a good idea. Yeah, you know what, everybody invest in jet skis. We'll all be riding high once Waterworld hits.

So it takes way too long for Dennis Hopper to die. Like, he dies six times. He kind of dies six times. Well, Michael Jeter flies back into this movie with his big balloon control. that he made from the hide of human beings. I don't know. How are you making a balloon in Waterworld? It doesn't make any sense.

And he sort of swoops in and saves them, but there's like a rope ladder. And Dennis Hopper like starts claw on his way up. Or no, it's just a rope. It's not a rope ladder. Because Dennis Hopper's not climbing this rope. No. Sorry movie.

Dennis Hopper is not climbing this rope. And he gets right up there just like anybody else. And the person to take this man's life, to end the tyrannical reign of deacon. is that little girl. Yeah. That little girl's like, no!

And off he goes, and there's a fake computer explosion. And as he's falling, he's like, I never tried to rape you or sell your hair. I never touched this crayon. He might have been the hero.

I think he might. Dennis Hopper's the hero of this movie. Because he wanted to get to dry land off her back to build civilization again. No one seems interested in that besides him. Yeah, it's kind of true. This movie's a little backwards. I mean, his method.

Methods aren't great, but sometimes you need, you know, you've got to crack a few eggs. I don't know to smoke cigarettes with the Hopper then hang out with the mariner for a day. Totally. Definitely, definitely. Hopper's not giving me a forced hair cut. And I can use all the crayons I want. So they do wind up getting to dry land. Yes.

It's New Zealand. Or actually, well, it's called to New Zealand. Oh, yeah. It's supposed to be Mount Everest or something. Oh, think about it. Sure, that's cool. I kind of tuned out by this point. Oh, yeah.

Everybody did except Kevin Costner. He's like, come on, guys! Land! And they're like the movies over there. There's, like, houses and horses and everything. There's horses, which kind of got me thinking, Planet of the Apes, man. Oh, do you think there's Apes in there, man? I think we may have some hyper-intelligent apes

riding horses, and if they stuck around on that island, you'd see it happen. It's too bad I died, man. I knew how to fight the Apes. I was your only savior, man. They're allergic to fucking cigarettes. you idiot. So it's kind of weird because... Spoke about.

The apes are allergic to cigarette. Why not? Makes total sense. I'm sure apes can get lung cancer. Yeah. So we get there. And there's some weird business about Tina Margarino's parents

like may have left to find land earlier or whatever. They walk in and there's like a couple of huts and they go in one and there's just two skeletons sleeping next to each. other, it's tragic. It's just two dust-covered skeletons.

That's what you call a Star Wars Valentine's Day card, but that is. A couple of skeletons hug on each other? Sorry you got cooked. Happy Valentine's Day, Star Wars. So she takes this music box and it plays a song that she's been humming earlier in the film, so that's

how you know it's the parents. Big Fat, who cares? A bunch of horses fly by, Jean Triple Horns, like, those might be fun to eat. And then Kevin And Kossner starts bugging out. Yeah. And he's like kind of got land sickness. They're calling it.

Okay. He's a fish out of water. And he's holding this dirt. Yeah. He's holding this dirt. And he's like, I didn't have to swim a mile to get this. Why? He's just pissed that he's out of business.

You know what it is? He's like, looking around. He's like, I think they're going to make toilets. I think they're going to make toilets. And I'm not going to be drinking piss. at all. And he kind of just starts running back to the ocean. And they're like,

where are you going? We've been doing this for the whole movie. And he's like, he doesn't say shit. The kid's like, you're a pussy. And he's like, I want to be on the land and just gets back in that boat and goes away. It's useless. And why on earth would you not want land? Gills or no

gills? You can still swim. Yeah. You can swim every day. Yeah. But you're not living in a crappy pirate society anymore. You can sleep. on a bed. Wow, everybody. But instead he just leaves forever to go sit on a cot.

All right, now this is a dumb question. Yeah. Would you recommend this piece of shit? Oh, no. No, right? 20th anniversary or no. Never. No, there's no reason to watch this ever again. No, it's so long, everybody. You want to see people drink piss. Splashland, right?

Splashland coming to theater, summer 2017. It's playing at the Waterworld Multiplex. that's it for us we hate movies everybody thanks so much for coming out give a nice tip to Susanna she's been great

thank you so much Dise thank you for the next time so that was our live show on water world Steve Sadek that was great you remember that night I feel like I am a better person now

but before I was worse yeah then we did the water world episode And Eric read about drinking piss in front of his sold-out crowd. It was great. Yeah. I made you a better person. I think Ted Cruz is at that show. He's reading piss stories.

Cool. God, did you see that thing where he does a bunch of Simpsons' impressions? No. Oh, dude, your spinal break. It'll be so chilled. It's so, like, gross because, like, he's not, I mean, like, he's just doing Simpson quotes, really. Well, who's he doing? A poo?

No. He does like a bad Homer And it's like, hey, I'm Homer Simpson And he'll do like accurate quotes Which I'm sure he wrote down But one of which he does is like Lisa Simpson And he's like, Dad, I don't want to eat meat I'm a vegetarian. I'm a little girl, Ted Cruz.

And then he goes, vegetarians should be killed. I'm the Zodiac Killer, also Simpsons. Oh, well that is Waterworld Live, everybody. If you want more information about We Hate Movies, Check out WHMpodcast.com or head over to sideshownetwork. Dot TV. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter.

We are at WHM podcast. And right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Now, next week, back to an in-studio record. Thank God. And welcome back.

An old favorite of the show will be coming. Just you'll tease that a little bit. Yeah, just our good friend of ours is coming back. That's all we'll say. Yeah, uh-huh. Now I'm realizing we already said it on that mailbag that we released. Oh, yeah. The mystery's ruined.

Just, uh... Oh, oh, he's actually, he's in the studio right now as we record this. Uh, so yes, if you didn't hear the mailbag, returning to we hate movies after a much too long, uh, absence. Our good buddy, Justin J.Ks is in studio to talk about American dreams with a Z. With a Z. Ah, so until next week where we're talking about Hugh Grant in a really toothless satire. I'm Andrew Jupe and Stephen Say that.

just in case. Take it easy.