We Hate Movies - S6 Ep251: Episode 251 - Kindergarten Cop 2

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang once again shatters the Ten Year Rule to talk about the totally unnecessary sequel, Kindergarten Cop 2! What's with this weirdo janitor/technology teacher, Hal? Why wouldn't the F.B.I. just get a search warrant and check the school after hours for this flash drive? And what's with all the Twix product placement? PLUS: Prop comic, Gallagher, could audition for lots of different films. His range is endless if you really think about it. Kindergarten Cop 2 stars the great Dolph Lundgren, Darla Taylor, Aleks Paunovic, Sarah Strange, and Bill Bellamy; directed by Don Michael Paul.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And on today's program, it's another slightly emergency broadcast, although we telegraphed this one a long time ago, pretty much when it was announced they were making it. This is Kindergarten Cop 2. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zeta. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in to our little program, as always. Now, yes, indeed this week, we're talking the totally unnecessary kindergarten cop two directed by a guy with three first names.

He's called Don Michael Paul. Sounds like a shitty folk band from the 60s. Oh, did you hear the new Don. Don Michael and Paul. No, because it sucked. That, or he's like a Miami Swinger in the 70s. How are you doing, Don Michael Paul? Hey, baby, you can pick which one you call me.

Or he's like a distant cousin to Aaron, Paul. He's like, hey, dude. You know, I know you're producing that path show, but I could direct an episode if you wanted. Yeah, that's okay. Could you PayPal me $300? Hey, cousin Paul, will you be? my paypal I'm hitting some hard times

I got stiffed on the bill for kindergarten cop too it's like pen pals but you send me money let me know what's going on and send me money are you gonna send me money back at some point yeah yeah yeah as soon as I get paid from kindergarten cop too

oh you know how movies are it takes a while to get paid so for anyone who's unaware this is the newly direct to DVD I mean, it is an unofficial sequel to the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic Kindergarten Cop. It's not official?

This is an official sequel, right? This is a sharing the name. This is an in-name-only sequel. Like Jingle All the Way, too, and the Net 2.0. Yes. Imagine Entertainment had their finger in this movie, which is kind of surprising. That's a Grazer move. I don't smell any Ron Howard on this.

This is a Brian Grazer 4 a.m. High as a kite, like, yeah, this will be funny. Watch me waste Ron Howard's money. I'll forge his signature on the green light form for kindergarten cop too. Oh, no. And then Bryce Dallas Howard has to PayPal him money? I really took a bath on this kindergarten, too. I gave Grazer my PayPal account.

He's PayPal's with everyone. I use PayPal for buying stuff on eBay. He financed a shitty movie with it. Oh, and if you like, we hate movies, you could donate to our PayPal. There's a link on WHMpodcast.com. Very good. So, yeah, so I mean, this is, yes, it's a sequel in name only to the Arnold film Kindergarten Cop. No mention of Arnold in this.

Like, it needs to be, it needs to be a thing where it's like, hey, listen, Dolf Lundgren, I've got an idea. It's a thing I heard about from my old partner. It's a wild idea they did 16 years ago. Let's send you undercover to this kindergarten class. Or maybe it's just him, like he's Skyping, have fun. I'm passing the franchise to you now. That should be a thing. Anytime you like take over an Arnold Schwarzenegger franchise, he has a have fun cameo.

See, the thing is he's a busy man and he wouldn't do it. Now, what they could have done. Wow, so definitive. He's got stuff going on. Well, he is the new host of Celebrity Apprentice, by the way. You see that shit? And I will be seeing that shit. He's going to say you're terminated.

You stole the words right out of them. They have not announced it yet. He's going to say you are terminated. Here's what would be great, though, if they totally flip that expectation. It was like, you are receiving a pink slip. I am terminated. No, that's what he's going to say when that's inevitably canceled. No, but I think Dolph Lundgren in this should at least be like looking at a framed photo of his character.

Nice. And like thinking back. But why? Are they former partners? Are they maybe related? Oh, is... Oh, shit. He goes, I could enact a plan that was first done by my dead brother-in-law. That could work. If Arnold married his sister? Sure. You know, honestly, they could...

I know they shouldn't, but they could play brothers. Oh, yeah. How have they not? Right? That was a one... No, actually, the Expendables did it, too. The Lungren and What's His Face team up, right? Lungren and Schwarzenegger? They're both in the movie, but I don't think they share.

The first movie, Dolf Lungren's like kind of a traitor, but then he gets back on their good side for the other two movies. Yeah, yeah. All right, so I guess it's enough. They just forgive him for treachery. In which people die. Dude, in any other vigilante team, he would have been, like Gunner would have been executed. Exactly. They would have eaten him.

Idea for a Lungren shorts and a digger team up movie. Oh, real twins. They're actually Sorry, Danny, I need someone that's conceivably my twins The movie is called Real Twins Yes, this was strategically written to cut you out And the Eddie Murphy thing just wasn't ever going to happen Is that dead?

I hope so. Can that please be dead? Yeah, I would like that to happen. Oh, mercy me. So both Steve and I thought, well, Steve first posited on online messaging. Here we go. Get your heads in the gutter, everyone. Well, and then I watched it, and I totally agreed. You start this movie.

The first, like, three or four minutes, I was like, is this a porno? Like, a dick could be getting, you know, whipped out at any second. We open. Now, yeah, tell me why. We open on the top motel. Uh-huh. Yeah, do with that what you will, America.

Okay, go on. The top motel. Yeah. And it's a seedy motel. Some lady who looks like she may have been in an adult film before is packing a bag. And there's like bass fucking music going on. You guys see porno. It's all softly lit.

Yeah, I thought we were watching Frank Miller Sin Cities. It's not in black and white though, Eric. That's how you class that shit up. Yeah, that's in rich, cheap digital color. as opposed to rich cheap black and white Is that second movie cheap? It's a piece of shit I did not see it yet

You should never see it Yeah take the yet out of that sentence I did I'll check it out I'm still curious Her name is Kirsten or Katia or something It's Katia You said to the whole movie Katia

Katia version of Dominic Cooper, I guess, is the idea? Yeah, this dude's like some Albanian mafioso or some such business. Hold on. What was his name? His name was like, Sugo? Zugat or something like that. Seesaw? It might be Seesaw.

It's his band's name. So in the Wikipedia article for Kindergarten Cop 1, which I read, I'm just going to read you. This will give you an idea of what this movie's about. Sure. June 2015, showbiz 411 announced that the studio's 1440 division is developing a sequel to the film

with Don Michael Paul's director and David H. Steinberg as screenwriter. The protagonist will have an Indian sidekick named Sanjit and they will and they will be searching for a flash drive that was stolen from the United States

Federal Witness Protection Program. The last sentence is my favorite. The antagonists will be Albanian. Man, so the only thing that changed was Sanjit is turned into Bill Bellamy. But everything else is accurate. So they definitively were like,

these fucking Albanians are trying to steal this flash drive. I feel like this is, you know, they're riding the taken coattails a little bit. Oh, big time. Yeah. Like where Albanians are just Albanians e. Villain. We're kind of Albanian crazy these days, I guess, with the

Well, the problem is because you can't be doing like a Middle Eastern thing because that's been ruined by terrorism. Right. So, what? By modern terrorism. So let's go after white Muslims. Yeah, totally. That's what you're dealing with. Kind of, right?

How can we still do it? Yeah. Zugat or whatever this dude's name is is a hunk, like a hulking Dominic Cooper. That's accurate. This guy looks terrible. He's like on the bad end of juicing. You know what I mean? Like he's probably like trying to come off it maybe.

I didn't look this guy up. Is he a WWE guy or no? Oh, I did not look him up. Yeah, I don't know. He doesn't look like one. That's the thing. He looks too bad to be in the WWE. Yeah, that's true.

You could have held a belt at one point, though. I mean, intercontinental or lower. So this movie starts with domestic violence, which is what you want. Well, because Katia. Yeah, he comes in. He's like, oh, you've betrayed me. She's like, you got to get me out of here. He's like, I'll protect you, Katia.

I swear to God of Dolph Lundgren. Right. Because that's when we don't really know what's happening here Because she's packing this bag And like the fuck tunes are playing And then like Dolf comes out And I was like, oh Like for a second you kind of forget

You're watching a movie called Kindergarten Cop 2 Like a fucking weaner's gonna be out at any moment You know And then yeah So then like these dudes break down the door And man You realize the level of comedy in this movie Because he's like

You know any last words or something, and Dolph's like, yeah, I got one. Pineapple. And he's like, but then like, it's like this dude who's ready to murder this person is like, all right, I'll stop and ask you what you mean by pineapple. Instead of just shooting you through the teeth. It's delicious juicy fruit. And so we're back and forth about pineapple. And you know immediately that it's just the code to get the fucking team to come in, which they do, which is incredibly cheap.

It's like three dudes and Bill Bellamy. Mr. Box Office himself. Anyone aware of Mr. Box Office? No, I never watched it. I think I saw one or two episodes. I did not see the Bucie episodes. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was on that show, too.

Mr. Box Office was a directed TV. It's kind of a directed DVD TV show. A syndicated TV show. I thought it was a web series. It might as well. Well, that's like that Dave Cooleyer can't get arrested web show with him. and whoever played Stephanie Tanner on Full and Fuller House, Jody Sweeten.

Yeah. And it's them like, oh, our lives are terrible because we're washed up celebrities. That's one out of three web series. That's true. The Brent Spiner ones like that, whatever that fucking horror show was. Well, the twist at the end was that it all took place on the holodex.

Dude, I think Patrick Stewart was the only TNG cast member to not guest spot. on it. Lovar Burton was certainly all over it. Oh, Mr. Data, you want to see what the glamorous life of a Hollywood actor really is? Oh, it doesn't always

end up well, Mr. Data. My character, Patrick Stewart, will be caught in traffic and won't be able to make your web series. He'll apologize and send you a fruit basket. I'm just trying to know this dude

Um, pineapple. No, well, yeah, pineapple. The guy who, by the way, his name is Zogu. So, okay. This villain, the actor's name is Alex Ponovic. He was apparently a Canadian boxer. Okay. So close to professional wrestling.

There you go. Not outside the realm of fighting for money. No, it's firmly within it, I think. So he gets arrested. Katia slaps lungrin in the face, after she gets slapped in the face by Zogu. well slap for a slap well that slap is because now she knows that he's FBI and we're not talking female body inspector hey cool it turns out he's working for the feds and you know she's been like undercover the whole time and it's it's very much alluded to that he was uh stupiner oh big time stupin they're like in love

his beaver patrol membership is still not entirely uh uh we don't know one way or another wait Bill Bellamy would be very enthusiastic about starting a beaver patrol in this movie. And I think the two of them together, I think that could make a patrol. I don't know if you need a third guy. Well, Dolf Lundgren's like three guys in one. It's very true. He's so jacked still. But it's not like artificial Stallone jacked.

He's still just in great shape. But he's also really old. Well, that's the thing. My wife, we're watching it. And my wife goes, he looks like Harvey. Dendt post-acid. Yeah, it's just, I mean, like, I think there's some bad, uh, Botox going on there. Oh, yikes. This is just done grandpa cop. Grandpa cop. That's not, it doesn't have a toughest nails grandpa.

I guess so, but that doesn't have the same ring to it as kindergarten cop, too. We got, we got bad grandpa. We got dirty grandpa. Right. How about cop? Cop grandpa. That's true. We got, and then we got like different cop things, too. We got that wolf cop movie that's unwatchable? That was unwatchable. Dude, I turned that off. And then like four days later, it was like, isn't everybody excited for Wolf Cop 2? I was like, my God, in heaven. No. Wasn't even excited for the first 15 minutes of Wolf Cop 1. Quick question. Would you see a movie called Beaver Patrol? Yes. Wait, wait. No, have I already? This is a trick question. Starring, Dolf Lundgren, Bill Bellamy, and Ricky Jay. Ricky Jay.

Fucking absolutely. Rounding out the Beaver Patrol. For people who don't know, for normal people, Ricky Jay is a... Sarcastic magician. Yes, and sometimes... Three and a half feet tall.

Oh man, Ricky Jay and Dolph Lundgren and twins, too. Oh, my God. We were born 27 years apart. And I do magic. You don't have come to realize, man. watch a documentary about magicians at any level, Ricky

Jay is getting interviewed. I'm going to make your profits disappear. Ricky Jay will do your magic documentary. Absolutely. Yeah, I totally watch that movie though. Of course. So, I mean, like, we cut to a year later for some reason. For no reason.

Oh, okay. Only so that we see Dolph Lundgren's house. He lives on a swamp for some reason. Isn't it like, it's like a trailer It's a trailer, like, on a bay, though, like a nice, like Pacific Northwest, like body of water. Dude, I was jealous of this pad. They're trying to give you a little bit like a Martin Riggs vibe. Oh, for sure.

A trailer on a body of water. A nice to a subtle Martin Riggs. Right. And for our younger listeners, such as a 13-year-old that listens to the show, I was a reference to lethal weapon. Oh, the TV show that's coming out. Oh, God, that's what? Yeah, dude. What?

We were just talking about the up front. but that was when I forgot to tell you up front. It's a good thing I'm sitting down. Tell me everything. That's it. There's a lethal weapon TV show. I don't think anyone's in it. I mean, I'm sure people are, there's bodies on it.

There's a bunch of like skin sacs saying lines. Dude, there's that. There's a training day TV show. That's the big thing now. We're making movies into TV shows. Wait, so TV is becoming like Broadway? Yeah. Pretty much.

Everything's just a movie. Network television is the new Broadway. Yeah. Well, it worked for Fargo. Oh, man. So anyway, kindergarten cop to a year later, his pad, I kind of like it. Yeah, it's pretty okay. It looks a little too wet for my tape.

It's a little wet. I mean, listen, he's got a record player outside. Yeah, that's pretty cool. He's grilling steaks and flipping over records within like five feet of each other. Pretty cool. So if your life falls apart, this setup is an awesome. option for you. Oh, without question. Yeah, a nice little trailer by some water. It's the Pacific Northwest, though. It's clean. Yeah, but yours wouldn't be.

Yeah, I couldn't afford the clean water property. It's L.A., isn't it? No, it's Seattle. Oh, it's that one. Here's the thing, Steve. They're saying Seattle throughout the whole movie. Step one, that's definitely happening. Kindergarten Cop 1. Yeah. It was firmly established in the Pacific Northwest. That's true. And Astoria. Astoria. How many of you were from Astoria? Oh, right. Oregon. Yeah.

Yeah. How many of you were extras in the goonies? How many goonies are in the class? Probably quite a few. Hey, you're probably a goony, you fat kid, eating everyone's lunch. Oh, hey, look at you do the truffle, you fat piggy. Oh, no, you're a goobie. You're too fat for goonie.

Oink, oink. Because you have a B-sized booby cup. You fat little piggy kid. Yeah, we should talk about the movie, maybe. Yeah, we'll get there. Was anyone else terrified of Arnold Schwarzenegger's fitness test day in school? What? Arnold Schwarzenegger's fitness test day.

Well, there was like a thing that happened. Did he come around? Come around to your school? Test everyone? We had the presidential fitness test. Yeah, but Arnold Schwarzenegger was like behind. Or had, like, had, like, endorsed it. Hello, George.

I'm going to pump. There was like a pump you up joke involved as well. I have no memory of that. I remember doing terrible the presidential fitness test, though. I don't think I even had that. I just think I was a guy chasing me with a stick. Run, fat boy. This bear's coming after you.

Yeah. You guys got fancy talk down in the regular places. I grew up north of you. Yeah, but near a bigger city. So we cut to, he's working for the FBI. He's not working for the police department. And he, they've arrested, it's a year later. And like Bill Bellamy, who's his partner, is like, oh, hey, you had a date last night.

He's like, I didn't have a date. People don't date anymore. They just fuck each other. It's like, what? Which is, it's so unbelievable that Dolv Lundgren has a problem with this. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because he's like, in this movie, he's playing, like, just an old-fashioned guy. He's 61 years old.

Yeah, I guess he is literally old-fashioned. Like, his wives keep dying. Like, what is going on? I don't think they, they don't exist, yeah. Infer that he's ever been married. Which is like, but it's like, come on, he's this old and he's like getting to dating. Well, Bill and he says something about, like, you know, you know, oh, you send another one away or whatever. Like, you just go through him.

Because Bill Bellamy's whole thing in this movie is. to be like a cuckolded miserable dude that has five kids count them five fucking children that we never see because this movie's incredibly cheap how is there not one scene with his wife and his kids seriously you know let's get the whole

cast of Mr. Box Office back together who cares listen though if I see a buddy cop movie and it's like we're going to meet this dude's family even if it's kindergarten cop too I'm like oh man now I got to worry about Bill Bellamy getting murdered in this yeah that's true like here's my perfect family look at my

beautiful, gentle wife. Martin Lawrence always made it out of those movies, this bad boy movies. Which is unfortunate. That's why those movies are annoying. So, Dolph, Lundgren, stops the action of the movie. Hold on. I got to get a Twix.

And everyone's like, what? Oh, it's a Twix. Did you... It's really good. We're going to stop and talk about Twix right now. Did you know that the right twix is made in a different factory

from the left Twix and then they put them together later. Yeah, they're assembled in China. That's where Twixes are put together. Brian Grazer had a nice meeting with the Mars Corporation and kindergarten cop too was born. And this is what's amazing

is the shot of this vending machine, you see like a Snickers. And Snickers is the superior candy bar. I don't know about that. As far as public awareness, as far as product placement, whatever, you're getting the Snickers on there. And I'm like, oh, great fucking Snickers in this movie, man. No, no, no. Twix in this movie all over the place.

Honestly, nice change your pace. And it worked. By the time it hit credits, man, I wanted it at Twix real bad. Real fucking bad, man. And then so we're introduced to the most ridiculous part of this movie. I wanted to teach kindergarten at the movie. Lundgren, like, you know, it's the old gag of, like, I can't get the candy bar to come out of the machine. He pulls a gun on this vending machine and you're like, oh, he's kind of like unhinged.

Maybe he kind of is more like rigs than I thought originally. Yeah, you know. Uncuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Yeah, I mean, that is a lunatic. This is kind of a trick's rabbit kind of a move. Like, we're like, dude, just go buy it. Like, you don't have to have to set it. I got to set a trap for a Twix bar.

Just put in more money, and then two Twix bars are going to come out. You're okay. You're going to eat the other Twix bar at some point. Or you're fucking eight feet tall. Shake the fucking machine. No, I got to threaten it first. So he's like drawing a gun on a vending machine, like if Homer Simpson was a cop. And then so like introduce the most, like, biggest misfire of this movie is a guy who's doing like the angry chief character.

and like they're trying to play this God bless him as hard as they can for laughs this guy and he's like screaming at Dov Longer and the whole time like were you pulling a gun on this vending machine and you think like well yeah this is like obviously an extreme circumstance of course he's going to scream at him

no the joke is this guy screaming through the whole movie you did they ask Bill Nunn to do this or no oh yeah maybe I would love to see Bill Nunn in a movie he's an actor that's great it's a thing he's got a leg up on this guy Oh, we don't have money for those. Yeah, we don't have Bill Nunn money. Oh, man.

That is not okay. Did they get Bill Nunn back for Sister Act 2? I don't know. That's a good question. Because he's one of the cops and Sister Act. Are you talking about Back in the Habit? Yes, Sister Act 2, back in the habit. Yes, I am.

Okay. I don't know. All right. But yeah, you're totally right. You know what? You got to get somebody. Because the thing about this movie is, you got Dolph he's obviously the star

you got Bill Bellamy's a name but he's in like not a lot of scenes and you think they'd cast him as like comic relief of some kind he doesn't really have much funny shit although he says like to Dolph Lundgren that like what was it he needs to get a mattress

oh yeah model actress or is that what he's dating that's what he does you'll go off of those mattresses he's like what's a mattress and when Dolph Runner says do you not know what a mattress is I thought Bill Bell But why is this even clever to combine model and actress to be a mattress?

Oh, it's not that clever is the problem. Yeah, Bill, I ripped through mattresses like toilet paper. Make a left up here. I think Bill Bellamy's line is something like you're always sleeping with all those mattresses. And I thought he said mattress. And I was like, I sleep with a mattress every night, you fucking moron. I have for my whole life.

I thought they were getting at. Like he's like ever since Caught you I've just been humping a mattress At night Just fucking these couch cushions Her name is Sheila She's filled with straw And stuff

Undefilly stuff So then the FBI gets laid waste To for the they're interviewing a witness And like they find out that like basically He's taught apparently Zugo has been like putting off trial with all this fucking cheap lawyer moves. Oh, God. I hate

the justice. And he's basically doing that. And in the interim, they're like, we need more evidence because this guy's lawyer is actually good. And they're, they're pissed that this guy has, like, decent legal representation. It's not insinuated that

like there's any crooked dealings going on. He's like, this guy's got a really good fucking lawyer. God damn it. Well, that's, that's SVU all over. Oh, he's got a lawyer up. This guy's going to go get fucking legal representation as opposed to get shot in the head. What an asshole.

Yeah, so they're bummed that this man called someone using a phone number. So, but yeah, apparently his brother, this guy that they're interviewing, his brother, he gave his brother a flash drive with the list of

people on the witness protection list. It's like the knock list for witness protection, I guess, is the idea? Yeah, it's like who these people were and where they are now with their current information is so new social security numbers the whole thing

because Katia is there and Katia is the lead witness and if he kills Katia he doesn't have to go to jail and keep in mind by the way we keep talking about Katia through this whole movie

yeah she's the one that got away well no because you're like right at the beginning during that porno motel raid there's like it's insinuated because she slaps him and she's like you didn't tell me you were FBI blah blah blah

and he definitely like there's a moment where it's like, oh, he actually loved her. Like, uh, come on, Katya. Well, don't walk away, Katia. Oh, shit. Katya. Katya.

Well, Katya didn't want to finish my podcast. But, yeah, so. I could be on Leno, Dolph. Come on, Dolph. I can be in kindergarten cop too. I can do what Bill Bellamy does, Dole. Oh, no.

Fucking Gallagher. as either the lead bad guy as the villain in kindergarten cop too you're like what's this movie about yeah totally is he kidnapping kids no he's gonna play catch ya right come on

Dolf let's make love oh come on catcher yeah he leaves in the middle of the movie what are you doing here I'm Gallagher I'm here read for the role of Katya. Come on, you son of a bitch.

Read your goddamn call sheet. It's time for Gallagher to audition to play Katia. Now, this watermelon represents my boyfriend Zugo. And the Albanian Mafia. And now this sledgehammer represents

Dolph Lundgren. Kersplatt. Oh, that's your audition, huh, Gallagher? You know it is. Better movies. See on set, you son of a bitch. Like, no. How many callbacks to the Gallagher's ever

gotten? For Katia? Just a general. Three. Over 40 years. Now I'm going to be in Kiss the Girls. It's Tony Goldwyn's part. I'm a collector. Look at all these watermelons.

This watermelon represents Morgan Freeman's attempt to get me. And this sledgehammer is my ingenuity and outfoiling him every step of the way. Curse Splat. See on the set, Morgan Freeman. This watermelon over here represents Air Force One. And this sledgehammer represents my terrorist ingenuity to take it over.

See on set next week, Harrison Ford, you son of a bitch. Yeah, he's got no callbacks. No, just not so many callbacks. I think that's how every audition goes is the problem. He's really bringing watermelons into the audition. He's actually doing that. Who's going to clean this off?

I'm also here to audition for the role at janitor. I'll be cleaning up my own watermelons. Times are tough for Gallagher. You know what? I'm just telling you, Ron Howard, you're going to want to wear a plastic jacket. You'll see. You're in the splash zone now.

Listen, Ron, you don't need Tom Hanks to come back for Inferno. Gallagher's got it covered. I can play Robert Langdon, God damn it. This watermelon represents the Bible. And this sledjammer represents a mystery. I'm going to crack open in the Bible. Well, what do you mean you don't have a plastic jacket? I got like 30 of them.

All right, David Lynch, sit down. Now, this watermelon represents Naomi Watts's sense of identity. And this sledgehammer is my sexuality. Slam. See, I'm just set on Mulholl and Drive. Now, this watermelon represents John Merrick. And this sledgehammer is Elephant Titus. Wait, he's going to play Elephant Titus.

He's going to play the elephant, man. I got you. I don't know. Or whatever disease he had, huh? Yeah, I don't know. It was something tragic. It was tragic. Where is this movie going?

Oh, so then he basically, he gives his brother this list. His brother's a kindergarten teacher. And just as he relates his information, the FBI goes under siege, which would be national news. Like, anyone, how do you raid the FBI? It's outrageous. I mean, this is, it's a real assault on. Our system as a whole. This is like Bain, maybe.

Yes. Oh, Dolf Lundgren. Going to get that flash drive. Stupendous. Oh, man. Bain is kindergarten cop. That's a movie. Oh, he peed on me.

Speak of the urine, and it appears. Whatever. So, Dolf Lundgren, there's an action sequence, which isn't terrible. I do kind of like that the action in this movie is reminiscent to, like, the late 80s, early 90s. The action in this movie is pretty good. I'll tell you what the beef is, though. And for all you guys making, like, mid-to-low-level action movies out there, you got to figure out something with your budgets. Because CGI gun flares are terrible.

They don't look good. they look like total trash I'm looking at you all of those expendables movies and it's even worse in this scene because like the FBI like the building like their office building

has the power cut so everybody's in the dark there's a red alert I was waiting for Worf to come in I was like shit if we ever needed hashtag we want Wharf I would love hashtag we want warf to infect this film oh sure we get to just have all the kids

wearing that t-shirt shirt. Maybe the Klingon Empire wants that flash drive for some reason. Yeah. Maybe there's like some guy that like is in witness protection that was from the Klingon Empire. Oh wow. Yeah, it went deep into the Fed space.

Oh, he's trying to sell the schematics for the Klingon Warbird cloaking device. Oh my God. Could you imagine that in the hands of the Federation? Oh yeah. Or Albanian mafia? Either or pretty nasty stuff. But with these gun flares,

Like a shitty old Cadillac that cloaks. I mean, it's sort of nice. It's like five to ten years old. Sure. These gun flares, though, like in the darkness, like it's just yellow animation on screen. It looks so bad. No, it's like double there.

I don't know. Not double. Whatever. It's not good. The vending machine comes back. here, though. Dalton used this as a shield. Thankfully, no Doritos were harmed

in the making of this film. We do get a nice shot of a Dorito bag talking about getting hungry. But what I do, what I did very much appreciate is I'm like, oh, am I going to see this vending machine get shot? Yeah. And I finally do.

Yep. It's also not bulletproof, by the way, right? Like if I shot of vending machine, Eric, and you're behind it, you'd be dead. Yeah, I would be so dead. But I'd have a little bit of Dorita. dust in me. Oh man. Maybe the Dorida dust would cauterize the wound is the thing.

Get some cool ranch in there. Ooh, that cool ranch it stings. Yeah, but it'll keep you alive until they can get to the hospital. Just in FYI, just in case, I'm not going to make a will for a long time, but if I die before I make a will, this is a legal document that I'd like to be buried in a large Doritos bag, like a Dorito taco. That makes perfect sense. We'll get Sinbad on the line,

get a large chips bag. See where he gets his There's no need to plan your funeral just yet. I'll stop the bleeding by shoving this delicious twicks inside your gunshot wound. It's a sacrifice for me to lose such a delicious twix stick, but I'm going to do it for you, partner. You shove it in as hard as I can. I'm going to break off a piece just to eat. Because he does take the twill at the end of the scene, like, you know, he beats all the guys. And, like, the machine opens up, he's like, I got my twicks.

And you know, I mean, here's the thing. It's stupid, but it's not bad. It's the end of that sequence, and then it should be the end of Twix in this film. That's, well, you're right there. Because you set it up, and then Twix leaves the movie. I'm surprised it's not like and starring. Dolph Lundgren, Bill Bellamy, and Twix as himself. I guess that would be as themselves.

So, flash forward a little bit. Flash forward. I can flash forward, Mark. I could travel through Klingon space. Oh, dude, Gallagher is Q maybe. Oh, that's cool. All right, so listen, this watermelon represents the Starship Enterprise. And this Sledgedhammer represents my omnipotent, godlike ability to mess with Jean-Luc Picard.

Splat! I can play Q. Oh, come on, Rick Berman. Where are you going? Oh, whatever. He, so, Gallagher, I was a Gallagher. No, so, um, Dolf Lundgren. Dolf Lundgren, um, they bring it all the, so basically this guy was a kindergarten teacher.

The flash drive is somewhere there. They, for some reason, don't interview any teachers. They don't, they don't actually get a warrant for, they're the FBI. They can do whatever they want. Should they have before they will again. And here's the thing. Um, kindergarten's close at night. Yep.

The FBI could just toss the whole place And put it back together And later on Yeah, pretty much This is not This movie shouldn't happen So you're saying the concede of this film is a little flimsy A little bit

Yeah Yeah, yeah Maybe more than most we do The weird thing that doesn't Like it's kind of glossed over And I don't know if they were like Shit we got to cut this for time Or what the deal is

But the guy that they have in custody That they're like Where's this flash drive is the brother of the kindergarten teacher. Yes. The kindergarten teacher is murdered by the mafia. Yeah. In like a car accident situation that you don't see.

And it's like alluded to... Oh, because it was cloaked. It's alluded to like way later in the movie like, oh yeah, now I just heard they killed his brother. And I'm like, wait, what? And it's like, Lundgren is already like applying to be this... teacher but also why are the children informed about their teacher's brutal murder everyone they all the kids are like oh yeah he got murdered some of them though are like wenzie coming back which is

kind of sad that one girl's like he's decomposing yeah well that one girl she gets pretty real the first line of any kid in this movie obviously has to be my sister has a vagina which if you're just joining us is a somewhat of a catch-frey phrase from the first film. Well, I mean, it's boys have penises, girls have vaginas. Right. You need a little boy to say the word vagina on screen. I don't care. I don't care how many tricks bars are in this

movie. A little boy has to say the word vagina. It's going to be fucking adorable. It's going to be hilarious. And you get this kid who looks like froggy from the little rascals. This is a little nerd. He looks like a tiny six-year-old version of Jonathan Liffnicki. Nah. No, I was going to say

John Hodgman. Does he look like a little six-year-old John Hodgman. Yeah, maybe the glasses are good. Put an ironic mustache on this little kid. Oh, that would be, like, if they ever made like a Saturday Night Live-esque movie of John Hodgman, like, that would be

John Hodgman in school. You know what I mean? You're exactly right. It's always funny when a little baby plays an adult comedian. Speak it, comedies. Please, I love seeing adults as babies. Speaking of Sinbad, man, the first few minutes of house guests,

Sinbad has a little kid. And it's just somebody doing the little kid doing their routine. It's so funny. It's so funny. And so, I don't know, whatever happens. So basically, they're interviewing all the kids. So we have one little nerd kid, the girl who's very morose about the death of the teacher. Right.

Who is your daddy and what does he do? And Bill Bellamy is the only one interviewing them for some reason, like for Lundgren's behind the glass. Well, because Bill Bellamy is like, you can't talk to kids. Like, I have five kids. If we're going to do this hair-brained intentionally. interrogation montage. I guess I should be the one to talk to these kids. One kid's named Cowboy, and then another kid, his name is Tripp, is an Asian kid.

Yeah. And I always say he's Asian, because it doesn't mean anything, except for some reason they give him subtitles. It's ridiculous. Like, here's this kid who you can hear totally fine. Yep. And he's just got subtitles after everything he says. get it. Hey, do you get it? Are you laughing yet at kindergarten cop jokes?

Oh man, it's so weird. It's weird because like every other kid, all these kids are mumbling because little kids mumble. They're like little six-year-olds. They got like 12 teeth. The fuck do you want. Between the, all of them. Between the whole class, there's 12 teeth. How many teeth do you have?

Bring your teeth up to my desk. So it's decided The investigation goes nowhere And it's decided For some reason Again By the way They don't tell the teacher

So it's decided that And this is my favorite part of the movie Is Dolph Longren's going to pose As a kindergarten teacher And you get the really bad actor Playing the Chief does a really shitty double take Oh does he? I didn't notice it

It's like it was so bad It could have had a sound effect I would love a smash cut of all the horrible double takes and cinema You know what, someone get on that I expect it on YouTube by the end of the year I bet you there is one You gotta update it

And add this to the mix Get this guy on there I can do a double take mark So whatever he And for some reason they don't tell this Look again if it's so important has to go undercover. You pull the school administrator aside and be like, look, this is what's going on. It's going to be fine. But what we understand is this is a very prestigious kindergarten. This is where we're differentiating from the first movie. It's not just some regular schmendezer kindergarten. Yeah, this one costs 50K a year, pal. Well, that's what I couldn't, because I haven't seen kindergarten cop in a dog's age, but is the school administration and that movie aware of what Arnold's deal is? I feel like she is. I feel like she is. I think the principle might be.

I mean, it's been a while since I've seen that, but better movie. Oh, well, yeah. It's a real movie. It is a real movie. It does lag in the end, but... Yeah, but for starters, it's a real movie. Yes. A guy gets bitten with a ferret and then gets shot in the heart.

Like, that's okay. Like, you know what? That's a movie that I could watch. Yeah, it's not bad. And, I mean, I guess the first movie is guilty of this, too, but it's, like, I was watching this. I'm like, who is this for? Because some parts of it. it's way too adults for kids.

Yeah. And then some parts it's way too fucking dumb for adults. Yeah, it's really weird in that way. I feel like a parent can watch these movies with their kid, but like for certain scenes, they just have to send the kid out of the room for a minute. Well, there's way too much like implied TNA, which is because it's not...

Implied. Well, there's no like actual... There's clothes. Yeah, there's no nudity. But there's so many women in pools throughout the... Like, they keep going back to Zugo's house And, like, there's just ladies, like, Zugo likes pools on these ladies.

It's true to life. Zugo likes pools. But it's like, I don't need in my kindergarten cop sequel cutting back to this dude's orgy path. And that's what's going on. I mean, honestly, the only thing they're missing is like... We better check in on Zugo. Right.

It's been a little while. Because it's like babes. It's definitely like two ladies like swimming up. Like, hey, let's play around kind of shit. And I'm like, okay. I imagine I have kids here probably But then The only difference is instead of like Zugo

Doing cocaine on the patio Zugo is like stuffing a fish with lemons Wait is that a euphemism? Maybe I don't know Is that a euphemism for doing coke? I'm going to go in the bathroom and stuff a fish with lemons Maybe for something else Oh yeah

But I don't know I could do euphemisms Mark I could stuff a fish with lemons I just did it in the car on the way over here So I guess the blinked and missed it But he's cooking fish in this He's like He's like threatening some

Some lackey or whatever And he's like putting lemons in a fish And then he does the old move of like The butcher knife down to cut the fish's head off And he's like, put this on the grill Or whatever It would have been better if it was a sledgehammer Gotta pound out this expensive fish

Before I put it on the grill Stupid son of a bitch fish I caught it myself Gallagher pounding out man So Dolph Lunger The first day Bill Bellamy is at

Dolph Lundgren's house For some reason It's like hey man I have kids I got all these kids Oh my God blah blah blah I love kids I'm great with kids

Why don't you wear this wire And I'll tell you what to say Right And like I'll guide you through the experience Like no I could do this I'm not afraid of kids I can do it everywhere I want I ain't afraid of nothing.

Kids are just stupid little adults. It's all right. I'm the best. And he goes there and it's a snooty prep school and you realize very early on that liberalism has gone mad. Oh, it is wild. It is gone amok. What is with these libtards and their PC culture?

Shit's gone crazy in Seattle, man. It is. Yeah, it's bonkers. I mean, it's, but it's like, it's that heightened thing of like, you know, It's a school that doesn't give letter marks. They probably grade with feelings. But to be fair, it's kindergarten. If you don't shit your pants, you win the day.

Yeah, I guess it's because it's not like real school. It's kindergarten. You're right. If you can stay awake the whole time, that's also fantastic. But there's this idea of like, oh, there's teaching these kids all this just nonsense. Right, that's going on. We've got to gag about like this little girl's like, would you please heat up my tofu? Yeah.

You know, this one kid's like, I'm gluten-free. That one I agree with. The gluten-free thing has become madness in this world. It's crazy. We all don't have fucking celiacs disease, everybody. We don't? That's the thing. Which is what, that's one thing.

I could have celiacs disease, Mark. There's no gluten in a fucking watermelon. So, but that's the thing, whatever to that. Right. But that's fine. But there's. peanut allergy is a real fucking thing. Oh, sure. And in a school

it's a real, like, we've stopped doing that. No one could have peanuts, you know, blah, blah. There's too many dead kids on our hands. There's too many dead kids. Dolphilin's eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and there's this gag of like, oh my God, he's got a peanut. And everyone goes crazy. Well, it's like someone was like

grenade. I mean, like, it's exaggerated. It's a bit exaggerated. Yeah, well, it's also, you know, it's kids. They go crazy. sometimes right and this is like where we're really trying to reignite the magic from the first film because like

remember all those great scenes of Arnold with like kids hanging off him shut up yeah shut up like that's what we do in this movie but it's like Dolf and it's not as entertaining because like Arnold always has the great ability

he hasn't made like a familyish movie in a really long time but like he had that ability of like he can make the silly faces it's funny Dolf is just like so goddamn stone face I was like he's gonna break one of their little necks well he's got like three muscles left in his face so I mean that's gotta be difficult

there's a scene where he's reading that the rain the rainbow bird oh yeah he's getting furious that's when he really starts yelling at these kids that like don't believe these liberal lies yeah that's one of the things he does say he's a PC bullshit or something yeah because it's a story about like a

rainbow bird giving its feathers to all these other different birds he's like this is just liberal PC bullshit. Oh, right, because that's what it is. It's like, he's basically saying, like, if you're good at something, don't share it with people. Like, keep it for yourself and make yourself even more great. Never apologize for being better than other people. Right. Kick him in the throat. I won't apologize for being better about something if I ever find out what that might be. If I ever accidentally stumble on something I'm better at than other people, yeah, I'm going to keep that to myself. My favorite part of this movie is it's actually, it's a fine little It's a little kid's book. It's a little kid's book. It's probably fake. But, like, it's golfingering getting steamed while reading it. And then the bird, I can't believe it. The bird gives his red feather to the stork because it doesn't have any red feathers. Don't do it, you bird. Oh, my God. He like flips these. Hang on a second. Oh, I don't believe this. I don't think, is the gag like he doesn't finish the book? He slams it closed and like, because he's had enough. No, he does get through it.

He's like, yeah, and then that's because of all that's, everything's wonderful. No, listen, you kids. It's like, oh, Jesus. You can't get a caggle of pussies. We're, like, moved on to another, Brooke. We're going to read the Bairn-Stain Bears. What? Why is Mama Bear baking a pie for the neighbors?

You don't share food with anybody. I don't care who they are. Oh, you better not share those green eggs and ham. I swear to God, it's just the, oh, my God, he's going to do it. No, don't just. Do it on a boat. Get off that boat, bro. This fucking liberal yurtle the turtle.

Yurtle, huh? Sounds Jewish to me. I mean, it's all in play. You shouldn't use the word liberal in kindergarten. Or I'm conservative either. Just keep politics out of the classroom, folks. You know what? How about let's just let kids be kids?

Little six-year-olds, they're going to eat their lunch, they're going to pee their pants, they're going to have nap time. You know, all the things that a fake schooling situation like kindergarten. Well, I guess you like learn to read in kindergarten. Yeah, a little bit. Here and there. I think you play with trucks.

He gets peed on at this point, right? That's the gag. Which I wanted to say, I think one of us called it. Remember we made the predictions? At the end of Highlander 2? Oh, yeah. I think maybe you did that. Somebody said something like he's getting peed on, I think.

I said he'd get hit in the nuts twice that did not happen, although there's great nut trauma later in the film. There is great. There is some, let me tell you, some grade A nut trauma in this movie. And actually, in this scene we're referring to, this is another scene where the kids go crazy, right? Because it happens like three times. He gives them milk chocolate. Like, yeah, like real chocolate cookies. Oh, does that have cacao and like whatever?

Which that, I mean, man, those are some dumb kids. Kids that insist on high percentage. of cacao versus like some just good old-fashioned delicious milk chocolate? I don't know what you're talking about, little kid. Come on. Eat that goddamn Twix bar. Then you'll know. Someone's parents are liberal professors.

But in this sequence, not only does he get pissed on. Yeah. Now this is, I like this. This is great. I get pissed on, Mark. Got some tapes at home I can show you, Mark. There is a kid. And he's like, he's got like a bucket on his head

and he's peeing into another bucket he's just like pissing in the middle of classroom. Oh yeah, there's totally public urination in this scene. And that was great. That was like pretty punk rock. I was kind of pissed off though, no pun intended, that it was into a bucket. That kid should have been peeing into a plant. Yeah, get me a potted plan.

Let it soak into the floor. Or that. By the space warrant, by the way, it's just totally a public library in Canada that they just turned into a preschool. There's no two ways about it. Oh, yeah. It's like, I mean, they get by with it because it is supposed to be this, like, $50,000 a year private kindergarten.

So it's like, okay, you know, maybe every classroom is this expansive, open air, whatever. No, this is a children's reading room at a public library. Don't, don't worry about that. Very good observation, yeah, without question. But so he gets peed on, I think Arnold gets peed on the first movies, right? It's, you get to take me to the bathroom or something. And he's like, I don't know how to do it. I think it's classier because he's like

he goes to get the other kindergarten teacher or like the first grade teacher in the first movie or whatever it is to escort the girl to the bathroom to go to the bathroom. It's not like he just got drenched and pissed. But man, I mean, this talk about memories playing with you though. I had a distinct memory of Arnold. And again, I haven't seen this movie. Like we're talking pre-Y2K.

Oh, wow. Like Arnold holding up a kid and you see the P-stream like hitting him. Is that not true? Is that junior, maybe? Maybe that happened to junior? Is that Danny DeVito, do you think? Twins, he's holding up. I'm guessing on you.

Eh, ha, ha, ha. Like a hop from hell. Why is my twin peeing on me? Is his pee also my pee? That's the question. Is our pee the same? Does not taste like my pee. Oh, mercy.

We're both doctors for some reason. Let's run some tests on the pee. Oh, wait. Am I in Junior or Twins? Man, if Junior became like an unofficial sequel to Twins? How cool would that be? I'm having a baby now. And it's just like an incestuous twin and twin baby.

Oh, weird. That's like a David Cronenberg movie. Hey, Junior, as directed by David Cronenberg, now we got a movie on our hands. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito actually having a baby together. That thing would come out of an egg. Oh, yeah, without question. It's hatching, Danny. It's hatching. It's in here. At the end of the movie, Danny DeVito's like, Arnold, where are you?

And he's just that lady from the brood. Oh, God. This is Arnold. Look at all my little anger babies that fell off my own body. Yes, this is also confusing. Oliver Reed, R.I.P. Whatever. Oh, we should mention.

also, so there's a second kindergarten teacher who's like, the sexy love interest. Fagan Mox, as I like to call this lady. She's just like Megan Fogg's as I like to call this lady. She's just like, Megan Fogg. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I was like, well, that's an interesting name. I know she's a Canadian actress. Is this Fiona Vroom?

I don't know. That is an actress's name. What is happening right now? Is this Mad Libs? No, so this actress, I believe, is Darla Taylor. Okay. I think Katio might be Fiona Vroom.

On IMDB, no. Michelle is Fiona Vroom. Oh, weird. But then Katia is Rebecca Olson, according to the IMD Tribune. That's strange. Yeah, I don't know who the hell Michelle is. Is she supposed to be the principal? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe.

I don't know, but then there's also a woman playing Miss Sinclair, whose name is Sarah Strange. Oh, my God. That's a pretty cool name. Maybe she's related to Dr. Strange. Hi, I'm an American man named Dr. Strange. No, Sarah Strange is the principal

in this movie. So, yeah, I don't know who this amazingly named Fiona Vroom is. I don't know what the Michelle character is about. I don't care about chakras and whatever else you Americans. I mean, us Americans like. I don't know. I think you're prejudging that performance. No, no. I mean,

it's fine. It's just... It's surprising. It is that. Yeah. So, yeah, so there's this other, this second teacher, this Olivia, I think the character's name is, yeah. And it's like, oh, hachi-machi, look at this co-worker of mine.

Maybe I should have been a kindergarten teacher. And he's like instantly like, yeah, I'm probably going to ask this girl out. I know I'm undercover and that's highly irregular and I'm really trying to stop the murder of at least one woman who I was in love with. And also blowing the cover of thousands of innocent witnesses. Well, that's what's insane is he hasn't learned. his lesson from the Katya incident. He's like, I'm ready to fall in love undercover all over again.

No, no, I'm in too deep. So he asks her out and, like, for some reason, both Bill Bellamy and his boss, like, hey, you're going to fuck that lady? And I'm like, what are we talking about right now? Because I think he's got this track record that we only sort of hear about. Okay. Like, from Bill

Bellamy's like one throwaway line about, like, you go through him like toilet paper, whatever it is. Maybe he was in, like, in this universe, is cruising. Oh, he went, it got too deep. Yeah, it's entirely possible. Yeah. So he's got, like, this whole, yeah.

This whole other backstory. Yeah, Bill Vell is like, remember you were gay two years ago when we were on that? Yeah, but running around yelling hips or lips at me. Yeah, but that was just to kill another gay guy. Yeah, you know, that movie's problematic at best. Yeah, it's a weird one. So he's like, oh, no, I have to. I'm going to get information out of her and find out where this flash drive is.

This fucking flash drive, man. You know the thing about a McGuffin? A McGuffin, which for those of you who don't know, that's a term that Hitchcock coined about... Gather around, everyone. Crishcross applesauce. It's like, you know, the thing everybody wants in the movie, but it doesn't matter. Sure. You know, so the McGuffin should just be, like, kind of mentioned here and there.

We are talking about this flash drive in every single. scene of this movie. He even says in his first day, he's like, all right, I know it's Technology Day and now it's Flash Drive Time. And it's like, what are you talking about? You ever see a flash drive?

Which again, to Eric's point, kindergarten is over at 3.15 PM. Like, just get, like this movie is pointless. Like, what, what, again, pre-Y2K, what is Arnold's motivation for going

undercover? I really don't remember that. I read the Wikipedia thing. Oh, so you'd be better to answer. But isn't it like he's looking for who the father is? It's like it's related to some kid's father. Yeah, well, basically he's tracking some drug... I've seen King of a cop by the way, 150 times. Really? Yeah, I don't know why.

Nothing wrong with that. He is looking for... There's this drug dealer in the beginning whose name is Crisp, by the way. And he gets arrested, and he needs to find the mother as a potential witness. But he doesn't know because they changed their name.

So he goes to kindergarten to find out who that, like, he knows. Hence the who is your daddy and what does he do? Precisely. Yeah. Gotcha. So that's like a reason you need to be embedded in this school with these students. Right. And sort of. And there was actually another cop that was supposed to do it.

Yes. His partner that got sick. The lady cop. Yeah. Well, that makes more sense too. That's a little DeaSX coldia. But it's fine. So that's fine

But this movie It makes no sense Just go in Say listen We're the FBI We need to find this flash drive Let's get looking There's also

Another callback from the first movie And this is a weird subplot Is this little girl's getting abused Oh right Because in the first movie Great subplot This little kid This little boy is getting abused

And like actually they show bruises Yeah And which is a bit much But again who is this for and then Arnold beats the shit out of him which is whatever you know what I mean I was waiting for that because that was one of the parts of the first movie

I remembered exactly and I was like oh come on he's gonna beat up that alcoholic dad that's hitting this kid but there's this weird line where Bill Bellamy's like he's like hey Bill Bellamy Tanya's really upset why do you look into it were dad for me and Bill Belmese like yeah well I checked his credit cards and surveillance and blah blah And, like, he's been drinking during the day.

I'm like, dude, this is a Civil Liberties nightmare, Bill Belamy. It is. This is a, you know, the Patriot Act, I guess. He could go through all of his charges. Well, you want to talk about weird subplots. Bill Bellamy's kind of a hacker in this movie. Like, he's got bios on all these little kids. Yeah, he knows everybody.

And he keeps me like, hey, how do you know this? Like, don't worry, man. And I'm like, oh, yikes. No reason. But to your point out, I mean, it plays out like this. Like, yeah, she's got, she's like either, like, she's really sullen and sad. And, like, he's like, oh, I think something's going on. And the dad grabs are really hard at one scene.

It's like a, you know, get in the car. We got to go kind of a deal. But apparently, like, he lost his ad sales job from the Seattle Times or whatever, the flying fuck. He's just, like, unemployed and he can't find work. So he's, like, drinking and abusing his family or whatever. And it's insane because the Dolph language is just like, yeah, I'll, uh, I'll ask help you get a new job. That solves that problem.

It's so the opposite of beating the shit out of that. And he's just like, oh, you do that for me? What I love is the next time we see this dad, which is at the very end of the movie, when, like, you know, the dust has settled. He's got a top hat, Scepter. He's wearing a business suit. Like, he's back in the game already.

And he doesn't say anything at all, but you just have to understand business suit equal employees. Exactly. I got you to add sales job. The only trick is your undercover. cover, all right? You got a fake name. It's actually supposed to be me. It's supposed to be my next case, but it's got a good paycheck. But how does he not clock this guy and everyone cheats? That's the whole thing, right? Like, he dances around it so much. If you're not

going to beat the shit out of him, I'm like, fine, I understand that you're not just going to like beat a man on the front lawn of the school, but be like, get in his face, get all Dolph Lundgren on him, and be like, you fucking touch this girl again. I'm going to knock your goddamn teeth down your throat so far. They're going to shoot. shoot out your asshole like a BB gun. That's also a David Cronenberg movie. But honestly, they can't

do that because this ain't your mama's kindergarten cop. This is PC culture. But if he's the character that's against PC culture, he should be the dude threatening and knock teeth out assholes. Well, he can't undermine the message of the movie that sharing is caring

and be nice to people and golden rules. Oh, that's true. Instead of golden showers. Oh, I know it's got both. Can we talk about the fat weirdo in this movie? Oh yeah, that guy's a creep. I love

this cow. Yeah. Man, this guy looks like a melting Paul Giamatti. He's like a best by geek squad technician that sort of works at the school for some reason. He teaches computers and that's a question, well, yeah, also, but like, shouldn't be? It's a question mark because why should he be

around kids or should he be around Kids. Also, shouldn't he be leading technology day? And also, this should be a suspect number one, right? This guy knows a flash drive. This guy should turn out to be, like, wrapped up in Zugo or whatever.

This guy needs to have computer monitors thrown at him by Dolph Lundgren. Instead, what we have is this dude is, like, his first interaction with Dolph is like, he gets his phone number and he's trying, he's like, I'll text you later. I work in this school with all these miserable women. Finally, there's a dude here that I can bro out with or whatever. Which doesn't make sense because he's replacing a man, but whatever.

That's the end of that. Also, a great blunder is this woman says, nice to meet you twice to him. His love interest is like in two scenes is like, nice to meet you, nice to be you. Sorry. But then like the second scene is he realizes when Dofflick makes a date with this dude or with the, with, that's from the other other recover yeah all right that's yeah that's when doff is getting in too deep uh you know like he makes the date with the lady and then this guy how's like uh you're just so you know um i still want to be best friends with you and all but uh i call dibs on her and you're just like

oh man first of all that shitty second you don't have a snowball's chance in hell against dulf lundgren buddy nobody does no that's the problem So this love plot kind of meanders along. They have a great first date. They do have a great first. He's grilling steaks and turning records, man. What a life. And this lady wants to ball his brains out.

Oh, without question. And he's just like, let's go square dancing for no reason. Because when you don't want to have sexual intercourse, it's best to ice that shit down with some sweaty square dancing. It's just weird seeing Dolph Lundgren try to be like... A person? Well, not only a person, but a person that's into like country western music. Yeah.

Right. Well, if you recall... They're like really jiving out at this fucking weird... It's a real honky-tongk, man. This band, dude. Oh, yeah. It's a real fart hammer band. By the way, the fart rock throughout this movie.

But, no, the line, which gets them into the square dancing, because she is like ready to go with Dolph Lundgren. I mean, we all are. Yeah, absolutely. And then she's like, you know, oh, you know, you're in such good shape or something like that. And then I cut to Wikipedia. He's 58 years old. She's no more than like 26.

It's disgusting. And he's like, oh, yeah, I am in shape. Do you want to see how I stay in shape? And I was like, cut to fucking. Cut to fucking. That is how I stay in shape. I am constantly fucking. This is a kindergarten movie.

I know, but it doesn't want to be all the time. That's the problem. Kindergarten doesn't want to be kindergarten often. Well, and this other, you know, this actress's character, she's like, you know, sometimes I like being a kindergarten teacher, but sometimes I like drinking a bunch of wine, eating steaks and fucking. Yep. And, you know, you can't be a kindergarten teacher all the time.

But then his line is like, do you want to know how I stay in shape? And I was like, here we go. Cut to Honky Talk to Honky Talk. Bunk dancing. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Three-name director in your stupid movie nobody asked for. Then when did

why? Oh no, Hal tries to scam him. He's like, oh, he brought a taser into the school. And I guess Hal had a taser. Is that the idea? Because clearly this dude is one of those dudes where you get back to his basement and there's like swords and guns and weird posters all over the place. He's like, oh, Dolf Lunger brought a taser to

school to school. I can't bring a taser to school mark. And like, And the principal was about to expel him, and he's like, no. Fire him, actually. He did get fired. And he's like, no, it was Hal. And she's like, oh, okay, I believe you. And then somehow in this scene, Hal gets his nuts zapped.

Well, it's great on several levels. It is amazing. Dolph actually has an awesome line right here because she's like, do you know what this is? Because, like, people in these lines of work, like, when you just deal with kids all the time, you also talk to adults like kids that's a thing I can't stand yikes and she's like said do you know what this is and he's like yeah

and he gives like the exact model of this taser and you know then it's like yeah I found it in his drawer or whatever and he's like that's not mine I clearly don't need a taser to defend myself and I'm like oh fuck yeah that's awesome take that hell you fat piece of shit and then the woman is just like

okay I believe you hear how take your taser out of here And I guess, like, she squeezes the trigger while giving it back to this dude because he just starts getting zapped in the dick. Yeah, man, those spikes burrow into them nuts. Oh, man, it's horrible. And it goes on for a while. And on and on. And she's trying to do, like, a, oh, I don't know how to turn this off. And she, like, ups the amperage or whatever.

Dude, best scene in the movie. You know what it needs, though? If we're having, like, shitty CGI gun flares, I need shitty Cigy taser smoke. I want these chestnuts roasting on an open fire I want to just keep going man until like this dude's like puking blood somehow I mean you burst into flames I mean the amount of time

Cargo shorts go up The amount of time that this guy's balls are zapped He would puke blood like that'd be great Yeah that'd be amazing and then Dolph could be like Where's that flash drive Hey now that you almost Well this does have my only legitimate laugh For the movie

Because it's a really low brow laugh You know, it happens to the best of us. Steve, don't feel bad. So it's after, right? Wait, you weren't laughing hysterically during the nut zap? I was smirking and ready to laugh. So, like, my facade was wavering here a little bit. Hey, Steve, what did you think of my act tonight?

I was smirking and ready to laugh. Thanks, buddy. I am the comedian that goes on stage and zaps my own testicles. I can zap my testicles, Mark. I got tape. that too but and after that the teacher smell the principal

smells and he goes did you shit your pants and that was like I didn't see it coming and I was hooting and hollering that I mean it is pretty great delivery too yeah but you know I smart he does you know what's kind of great though you're ready to laugh he's got a little moment of physical

comedy here because he does the like he holds up like his thumb and his forefinger like just a little bit but then he makes the gap between the thumb and forefinger bigger? I was like, yeah, that's more shit than you were willing to let on. So when you're getting close to the end here, Zugo is got a Mickey Mouse mafia. He's got two henchmen. He's got two henchmen. They have approached Dolph Longren early in the movie and they're like, give us to flash drive, Dolph Lundgren. Or I'm going to shoot you in this public place.

And Dolph Longwin, as an FBI agent just being threatened, he beats them up and leaves them on the side of the road. I'm like, dude, you got to arrest. Make that arrest. Guys. Yep, exactly. Like, there's a food truck right there that you just got coffee from. Guaranteed there's a security camera on it. They got the whole thing on tape. And like, where is Bill Belmi? Where's other people? Where's anyone? Where is anyone? Yes, a great question that we've asked before on this show. The finger thing means the money. But I want to quickly mention one scene before it gets away from us here. There's a scene where Dolph Lundgren is auctioned as a suitor. Out of nowhere. Where are we doing this? Where are we getting this from? This is fucking word.

This is basically word for word from Groundhog Day. He noticed that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like he gets up there. Everyone's bidding on him. He's like the most eligible man in town. Right, there's even a dude that's doing it, which I think he's also in Groundhog Day.

Is it not? Is there a dude who's been on him? I think it's old ladies instead. Oh, oh, right, right. We weren't ready for a dude to bid on a man yet. Yeah, that's true. Too early for homosexuality. Homosexualityxicality in case you were wondering until 1999.

Oh, that's when they got the patent on that. Yeah, that they figured out how to make homosexuality in the year 1999. But, you know, down to like, what's their name, Olivia, the other kindergarten teacher? Yeah. It does this like, like, well, I'm going to outbid everyone with this outrageously high number. Just like Andy McDowell does. Oh, you're right. The only thing it's missing, and I wonder if it's on the cutting room floor, I say we'd go looking.

The ghost of Harold Ramos? Well, maybe. But, you know, in the Chris Elliott role, you get fat hell up there, get no bids, right? Oh, yeah, that's the quick loser joke. Instead, Hal is standing, like, in the back like, because he also bids because he

wants to, like, hang out with him, doesn't he? I don't think he's... Hal's not in that scene? No, it's just... It's just the guy who's bidding... It's the one-off gay character that comes out of nowhere and is like, goodbye movie. Yeah. He's got some weird line, too, where he's like, you know,

and he's doing, like, this, like, he's screaming the whole time, and he's like, I've got $800 and a sense. method to lose weight is like the line and I'm like what is the joke? I was actually surprised and applauding that like Dolph Lundon doesn't throw

up you know what I mean because Dolf Lundgren's fine with it that's his character like you don't what I'm like he's like oh this fucking liberal piecey piece of shit yeah I'm surprised he didn't jump off stage and punch this man well it's weird though because in that same scene and it's another thing that he

doesn't react to that way is the principal's like okay hey, everybody can start bidding. Women, men, intergender, whoever, get up there. And I was like, oh, he's going to fucking spit on that person. But he's just like, he's like having fun with it. And he's like in, you know, he doesn't have a problem with anything. And I'm like, well, this is out of character for this gruff cop.

This scene comes out of nowhere. It's not even, it's an out-explained. It's a deleted scene that's in the movie. Because there's no, like, I'll see you tonight at the auction or the big of that. Charity event. It just happens and it goes. I don't even know if we see that date. You know what you need to do?

You need to make a casino night. It's always easy to do it. Oh, here comes casino night. We're raising money with casino night. He's got to get like a tux on. Fat Howl's wearing a t-shirt. That's how you get him in that scene. You just want a fat towel in all those scenes.

I do. They can't promote gambling with these students. That's true. But we can promote like auctioning off dates. The kids aren't there. This is a premium hunk of man meat. you gotta make exceptions but yeah I don't know

the movie the movie is not very good so at the end of the movie what happened? Bill Bellamy like cracks something well they come in like Bill Bellamy basically blows the cover because he comes in

the it's weird because Dolph's class and Dolves class alone goes on a field trip with Fat Howe and that's the end of that and I was like well that's like that Andrew McCarthy TV show

no one's watching but Steve. The family on ABC. But that makes no sense, but it's like let's get that class out and then Dolph's like, oh, the mafia, oh, that's what it is. Bill Bellamy is outside doing surveillance in a van and the mafia knocks

on the door like, excuse me, FBI and he opens the door like, yeah, what do you want? And they steal his van and Bill Bellamy has to take an Uber to the school. There's an Uber joke in this movie. I thought the thing was like Bill Bellamy is going to get kidnapped by this cut-throat mafia. Yeah, that would have been something.

And that would also make sense. Sure, it would make sense. Why would you let this guy go? No, like when they cut to Bill Bellamy making the phone call in the car, I was like, oh, the mafia kidnapped him. And he's like, yeah, man, I'm in an Uber. I'm on my way to you. Be there in a few minutes. Also, I was mugged and they stole the FBI surveillance van.

Oh, wait, should I, wait, should I've called the office and got other people to come? Oh, wait. Well, it's like this is the second time in this movie That the Seattle Division of the Federal Bureau investigation Has been duped by these mafios so Man, this is what happens when you get Agent Dale Cooper trapped in Bob For all these years That's actually very true

I mean, the place has gone to shit Look at it, just look at it Pacific Northwest used to be a great FBI outfit Totally, ran like clockwork it did Let's get to the end of this So basically they figure out There's been this guinea pig the whole time Oh, it's in the guinea, it's, oh no,

It's not the guinea pig. That's right. The guinea pig. So the dead teacher, man, and here's the thing. This movie is way more complicated. Well, it's stupid. It's way more complicated than it has any business being. There's a guinea pig in the class. The dead teacher taught the students a poem about the guinea pig. It turns out that that poem is also an acrostick that spells out time capsule saying that this flash drive is in a time capsule that this class is going to bury in a sculpture garden on their field trip with weird. fat howl that they just wanted that that's happening right now exactly right so that's that was eric's impression of bill bellamy in this movie bill bellamy's parlor scene like him and dove lunger like figure this out on a chalkboard it takes a while too yeah it's like the enigma machine s s oh a hyle hitler so um uh uh lungren at this point the uh zugo comes to the school he He raids the school. The Zugo? The Zugo.

That would be his wrestling name. I am the Zugo. The Zugo. He's like, we're going on a field trip. And he's like, he tells his henchman to kill Bill Bellamy. Bill Bellamy gets saved by the principal with a baseball bat, which is a reference to the first movie. Right. Where the other partner hits the mother with a baseball bat.

What doesn't happen in that first movie, though, is then this principal in this new movie starts going to town on this dude's nuts. Wow, so there's two instances of ball trauma. You were right. You were absolutely right. I had the victim wrong, but I had the balls right. Yeah, two ball traumas, just two different dudes, neither of whom are Dolph Lundgren, is the problem. You know what? I'll count it.

Oh, you got to count it. Yeah. What was the other prediction? Mine was the word selfie would be used, but that didn't happen. Oh, damn it. I really thought it was... It was close. I bet it's on the cutting room for life.

Guys, I have some bad news. Turns out, due to the running time, we have to cut the selfie scene. No! But that's Gallagher's big scene? Hello? They what? Oh, son of a bitch. This watermelon represents my heart.

And this sledgehammer is the goddamn son of a bitch editor of Kindergarten Cop 2. Slam. Yeah, America. Merry Christmas to you, too, Dolph. Thanks. Thanks for letting me know. I do appreciate you calling me. You didn't have to.

I'm sorry. I did everything I could, Gallagher. I fought them. I fought for that scene. Day in a day out, I fought for that. Gallagher, just remember, you are brilliant. You are my favorite comedian of all time. Don't let anyone tell you that you blow chunks.

Even though you do, you kind of blow chunks in your act. They're watermelon chunks It's a hilarious gag It's a pineapple I really appreciate the phone call Thank you Have you ever Have you ever

Have you ever considered a pineapple Thank you I'm choking up here a little bit I did try a pineapple once Too many people got hurt though No No it's appreciated me since 1989 I gotta go Dolph

I got family over Yeah that's right there's family you know i was just like you once i know what that feels like not being appreciated since 1989 i know what that's like i i feel you brother this watermelon's my self-esteem yeah yeah i'll put it a good word to you with sly for expendables four oh man and gallager dude if he played like like here's what you do you write expendables four it's going to be fucking terrible anyway. You cast Gallagher as the villain

and you just go, hey Gallagher, we're not going to put paint on you. We're not going to refer to you as such. But listen, Gallagher, essentially you are just the Joker. Yeah. And then you just get Gallagher to play the Joker in expendable's form. And that fuck yeah.

And then he uses a sledgehammer on Stone Cold Steve Austin's head. Yeah. How is Gallagher never crushed a man's skull on screen? That is, yes. that is the question you make like oh he could have been like the villain in spy hard like you want a parody like bond movies and stuff he's you know sled joe the villain leslie nilsson's like trying to like save his partners unfortunately that was for spy hard too and there never was one oh left on the cuter because spy hard one was the worst thing ever so they decided not to make another one Sorry, Gallagher.

They cut SpyHod, too. He really tough Lungen was going to replace Leslie Bielsen. He was his grandson. We can't get this project off the ground. I don't know what's going to happen, Gallagher. Our twins movie was canceled. We were trying to redo... What was that, Leslie Nielsen, Dracula movie?

Dracula, dead and loving it? That's right, Gallagher. You know what? I'll pull some strings, make you my wrenfield. He'd be a good redfield. Sure. That would work. So we're at the Sculpture Garden.

Good in quotes. Yeah. There's a big fight. I mean, like, whatever happens. Dove Lundgren kind of choke slams this dude in a river. Well, the Trojan horse gag, here's my question, because it's actually important. When they get to the sculpture garden, it's like, all right, kids, you better get out of here. You know, make like Odysseus and leave or something like that, right?

Oh, is that what he does? Because I was trying to figure out for the life of me How these kids knew to enact this plan. And he basically puts these kids in danger. Hey, kids fight the mafia for me. This is insane. They just attack them with branches and shit. Yes.

At least five dead kids, right? Yeah, sure, without question. This guy's got a gun drawn and you're telling me he can't shoot a kid. This guy's supposed to be hardcore Albanian mafia. Yeah, I've seen. They sell kids into sexual slavery. I saw those taking movies, Mark. I can do what Liam Neeson does.

I'm going to tie in a chair and splat watermelons all over you. Why wouldn't you hit me with the hammer? No, no, no, no, you'll see. You don't know what the watermelon represents yet. Once you see that. Now we're going to talk about it. My bits are all analogies. You'll see.

Well, it might be more effective torture. You're not wrong. Sitting through Gallagher, yeah. Here's the question. Do I have a plastic coat or do I not have a plastic coat? What's my plastic coat situation? Well, because he really wants to mess with you, so you don't have a plastic coat. He specifically takes it off of you.

Dude, that's, I mean, these boneheads in Washington, you know, they wanted to get answers out of these fellas in Abu Ghraib. Oh, yeah. Send Gallagher over there, do some fucking material. They'll be singing like J-birds. Now, this represents, we'll tell you everything. I, uh, good job with the watermelons. You got a real flare for it.

Gallagher and James Candelpini in the CIA cafeteria. Absolutely. Gallagher, the CIA cafeteria, check please. Zero dark melons. so whatever he foils the mafia with the help of these kids that he puts directly in danger the uh oh it's actually kind of weird that dude my favorite character fat hal takes down one of the henchmen and starts like brutally beating this dude's face to like hamburger yeah he's scream i mean he looks like paul giamati playing the rhino and this is him like

screaming like paul giamati as the rhino yeah oh yeah just beating this dude's fucking a noodle man. Skull gone. And he's just like, oh, that was so fucking fun. And you're just like, okay, Hal, you shouldn't go back to teaching kids. The next, if they do kindergarten

cop three and continue this plot line, Dolph Lindgren should hunt down Hal. Oh, I like that idea. Oh, yeah. Hal turns out to be a turncoat. Yeah. And it's like, also like being involved with Dolph Lundgren awakened his bloodlust. Oh, right. Right.

You made me. Oh, yeah. Dude, and that's a real Batman and Joker situation if I ever heard one. So this movie also ends like really rapidly with like he goes back to the classroom for no reason.

Like you're a fake teacher. There's no reason for you to go clean out a desk that's not yours. And he's like packing up a box. I'm going to give you back all your flash drives. I stole a gross worth of flash drives. And the teacher, you know, this this

Olivia character or whatever her name is she's like you know oh I was mad at you because you didn't tell me you were in the FBI but uh let's make out and then the principal comes in and she's like that's strike three you're fired and all the kids go yay and that's kindergarten cop too that's how we're ending

it does Arnold get a lady in that movie yeah Penelope Ann Miller oh right right right right I don't know how I believe it ends with almost the same thing where he goes back to the school. I think just to visit or something. But that's at least like, hi, remember me. This is like he's literally cleaning out a desk for no reason.

And we get like, you know, it's the same like childhood font. You know what's weird? We didn't mention it. There's like a pig in this movie. Yeah. There's a school pig. No, there's an actual pig. Oh, okay.

Like a real swine, you know. Well, it's weird because in the beginning they just say, oh, give her the therapy. pig. It's all piecey lip-tard BS. And I just thought it was a stuffed pig. Or like one of those adorable little teacup pigs because who on earth wouldn't want one of those? But this thing is something like bricktop

would serve you to. Wow. Nice snatch reference, dude. Yeah, snatched that one up. I mean, yeah, I could live off this thing for a year. It's a massive pig. Live off of it. Yeah, because you kill it and eat it.

Oh, oh, right. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just drinking pig milk, you know. Maybe a month. Just milking this pig, dude. Subsisting off of nothing but pig milk. Some people do it, man. Oh, right, pig milk.

That's what McDonald's serves around St. Patrick's Day. Get some pig milk, freeze it, and put green food coloring in it. Happy fucking St. Patrick's Day from McDonald's. wow i can't believe you so rapidly cracked the formula for the shamrock shake yeah that's what it is it's just pig milk dude frozen pig milk granulated sugar and red green food it's also what they used to make the mcrib they put that they in like a little like tray oh yeah gelatinous form everybody knows that mcribs are just pieces of old sneakers with barbecue sauce on them i've seen the mcdonald's guys getting them out of the power lines.

Oh, really? Yeah, they just bring them, you know, when people throw the sneakers kind of together. Yeah, that's what they do, yeah. Yeah. They go to urban areas and grab the sneakers. Yeah, and then they grind them up and cut them down. Yeah.

There's very little meat in these gym mats. Fuck this movie. Totally. My thing was, so the pig is credited in the movie, as is this guinea pig. Oh, right, right, right, right. Or whatever. The point I wanted to make about the guinea pig was where I thought this movie was going.

this flash drive was somehow inside the guinea thing and they were going to have to cut it open and get it out that would have been cool yeah it didn't happen though that's a shame yeah would anybody recommend this movie it's you know like yes it's a light recommend for me

it's terrible it moves I feel like I didn't have the worst time watching it for some reason maybe it's because I'm a big kindergarten cop head and I like to watch the story continue you've been waiting for this day for 16 years Yeah, I guess so. No, I don't know.

It's not a good movie. It's kind of... Or 26 years, excuse me. I think it's a fun, bad movie, ish. Hmm. I honestly, I'd say no. Sure. That's, you know what? You're well within your rights.

I'll die out this hill alone. That's fine. I think the first movie's worth checking out. I haven't seen it 150 times, but I've seen it a good amount. And since Y2K. Yeah, so that'll do it. Yeah, on that dig it. me um yeah i would recommend this movie actually i feel one it's streaming on netflix so hey get on it

uh but i think this is like you know it just came out like last week this is like the latest entry into a hangover film situation yeah it's you know it's like inoffensive it's not complicated it's terrible it does move the movie is like an hour and 40 minutes it somehow moves though it does it feels light for some reason and i kind of will just always watch Dolph Lunger. When I opened the Netflix interface and I was like scrolling through trying to find this, which Netflix has just buried this thing

shockingly. There was immediately though, another Dolph Lunger movie that was called like Shark Lake or some shit. And I was like, save that for later. I'm going to be taking a trip to Shark Lake sometime soon. What's a shark doing in a lake? Isn't that fresh water? I don't know. I'll find out

possibly tonight. That's kindergarten cop too from the of our Lord 2016 directed by Don Michael Paul. Paul Michael Don, Michael Don, Michael Paul, Don, whatever you want to call this guy. Hi, Don Michael Paul. If you want to get a hold of us

and find out more information about we hate movies, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast, of course. Rust Belt Friends. Yes. And there are people in the Rochester area, please. Do people like being called Rust Belt?

I don't know. Tell us at the show. Yeah, yell at me. Throw watermelons at us. Go to the little.org for tickets, right? Yes. July... The 16th. It turns out.

Saturday. Oh, it's a Saturday night. Oh, it's a Saturday night. Yeah. Talking about some mutated turtles traveling through time on a Saturday night. Oh, yeah. After dark.

9 p.m. July the 16th, the little.org. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review. the show wherever you get it tell your friends about it we would greatly appreciate it uh next week what are we doing on the old program oh a little movie called the x-men's the last stand that's right x-men the third the last stand that is right we have our good buddy sean whiner

in studio to talk about the brett ratner directed x-men the last stand which by the way gang kicking off the 2016 summer blockbuster extravaganza starting a little early this year, just an FYI. Just a little early there this year. That's okay. It is okay. Wait, is it? Wait, did we clear this? Well, it's after your Memorial Day barbecue, so I think we're in the clear.

That's right. That's right. That's right. You can start wearing white because you don't have to worry about the barbecue sauce. Yeah. Yes, that's right. Hashtag SBE 2016 kicks off.

next week with X-Men the Last Stand. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Siddah. Eric Ciske. Gallagher. Hashtag we want Wharf.