We Hate Movies - S6 Ep253: Episode 253 - Speed 2: Cruise Control

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza hits the high seas for the boring, totally unnecessary sequel, Speed 2: Cruise Control! Why bother going ahead with this movie once Keanu dropped out? But if you are going ahead with it, why not make Sandy the hero? And how about writing a villain with a little more motivation than medical bills? PLUS: Willem Dafoe's weird, weird leeches! Speed 2: Cruise Control stars Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, and Temuera Morrison; directed by Jan de Bont.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on with my god speed two cruise control. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Now this week, like we said at the top, before that theme song.

Yeah, the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on talking about Speed 2 from 1997, directed by W.HM kind of regular at this point, Yon DeBomb. Oh. Because he directed The Haunting. He directed Twister. Here we are at Speed 2, snooze control. Somebody needed to say it. Somebody said it on IMDB message boards when I just took it. Yeah, cite your sources.

Honestly, though, if you are coming up with a sequel that's lazy and boring, why put cruise control in there? Cruise control is not, is the opposite of speed, right? Like, that's the whole gag. It's like, oh, yeah, I could just, you know. It's like a maintained. Yeah, it's like, I don't want to get pulled over better you. cruise control to set it at a nice, you know, law-abiding pace. Quite the opposite of the first speed movie.

Yikes. Where you had to be, what was it, above 50 miles and a half? Was it 55? Maybe it's 50. Yeah, 50's a little cleaner. Point is, 50's a little sexier. You know, when you're in a pitch, Eric, when you go into a Hollywood pitch media, you don't want to go in there with 55 miles an hour.

It was this fucking clown. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. You go in with 50 miles an hour That's an idea I can put on a poster Wow, all right, yeah And put it on a poster they did

This was, I was saying to Eric Before we went on the air This is one of the first movies I remember being like, yeah, I'm gonna skip this in theaters I skipped this until last night. Ditto. Really? Yeah, you both dodged this bullet?

And that was a bit of a speedhead back then That was that was on heavy rotation On the old VCR. You were always cleaning your house. Poppers, uppers, zips and zaps. Steve Sadek had all of it. No, no, I'm at the movie. Oh.

I like the movie speed. I thought you were talking about amphetamines. Pardon me. A little from column A, a little from column B. I feel like if you were on amphetamine, speed wouldn't be enough for you. Like, what? The fuck we're going back to Jeff Daniels for? I got to sit through Jeff Daniels funeral.

That is a sad scene in that movie. There's no one, like, here's the thing. Spoiler alert from a 1994 movie. When Jeff Daniels dies in that movie, movie it's like he hits like the trip wire in Dennis Hopper's house and it's like he has that moment of like oh and like mommy oh he says mommy

no he doesn't know it doesn't he doesn't he doesn't he says it's a bug for the camera doesn't he say it was just cans oh no I think you're thinking of star Keanu Reeves oh okay that's when he dies right yeah but when Jeff Daniels dies you're like fucking sad because it's like a character you kind of like

yeah in this movie and speed two cruise control not one of these fuckers would die and I'd blink And you don't care about any character. You don't like any character. There's not a single likable person. I even hate the little deaf girl in this movie. Oh, I hate her.

Yeah, I agree. You know what? She needs to be in line with her parents. You know what? No one needs you gallivanting around a cruise ship, taking elevator for no reason. What are you talking to these older men across from the Habachi grill for whatever the hell they're at?

Oh, when they're flirting in sign language, her and Jason Patrick? Yeah. Dude, there is a part in this movie where Jason Patrick saves this little girls life and she's like oh thanks for saving me by the way next month i'm going to be 15 yikes yikes movie i don't know exactly yikes because there's all this chaos around you if there was a moment to strike it's now oh man i'll tell you right from jump street you know that this movie's going to be a disaster and you feel like the company kind didn't care about it because and correct me

if I'm wrong. Maybe you didn't notice. But I swear, at least on my Amazon stream, the 20th Century Fox theme song sounded out of tune. It's like we have that little confidence in this movie. We're going to play the theme song wrong.

By the way, speaking of 20th Century Fox, this movie's entering a nice little, a nice bucket you might call longer than Star Wars, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, big time. That's what you want in a movie that's supposed to be fun and exciting and quick action. easy, breezy, you know, fast-paced.

What is also crazy about that is cruise ships are real, the Death Star is not. I feel like I know more about the Death Star after Star Wars. Like, what are they... There's no reason for it to being that long. No. And it doesn't handle its geography right. I know nothing about this cruise ship.

Actually, better cruise ship movie, Jason takes Manhattan. Yes. At least we're utilizing, like, different areas of the ship. Jason goes to the sauna. Jason goes to the dance club There's the boxing gym You know there's the you know the different rooms and whatnot This is like a couple of cabin kills in that movie

Oh a couple of cabin kills This movie's like I think they're just redecorating the same cabin To make it look like Sandra Bullock's room Willem Defoe's room There's a bridge Yeah there's like a mall you sort of see And like a dining room I mean this thing had money behind it

That first bead was super successful Let's get the set of the the Titanic and just, you know, modernize it a little bit. Wait, wait, modernize the Titanic? Yeah, yeah, that's right. I feel like when Keanu said no, that was a hole in the

hall of the boat that just, it could not Fox was just like, you know, bailing out the entire time and it just didn't happen. And just because there's a thing in a contract that's like, hey, if this first movie's successful, like we, you know, reserve the right to make a sequel and like force you to

star in it, Sandra Bullock, it doesn't mean you have to do it. No, no. Actually, she did it to finance Hope Floats. Oh, God. Oh, now, what is Hope Floats? It's one of those Sandra Bullock movies that I've never seen. I'm guessing she's walking around.

It's autumn. Yeah. Maybe she cries a little. She probably does. I mean, she probably talks to people, I'm going to guess. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, talking. Is this, is Hope Floats, her and Harry Connick Jr., I believe? leave yes because there's the other one one if by boat two if by sea or whatever what the hell is that

is that an alternate title for speed too which is the one where it's her and dennis lear you play in grifters oh uh isn't it just called two if by c it is just two if by c yeah oh man there are some like before she was famous sandra bullock movies that like shouldn't exist and they definitely because i was looking through her filmography last night because my god watching this movie i needed to be distracted. They do the thing on a lot of DVD covers. Like, her first movie was like 87 or something. All those movies where she's probably like a

nothing bit character, but she's like an Oscar winner now. So the DVD's like, an Academy Award winner, Sandra Bullock, and she's on this cover. And she probably realistically has like five minutes of screen time. Well, let's hit the cover to stealth. You would think that Jamie Fox was the plane. You know what I mean?

Like when I think is like, oh, Jamie Fox plays a plane. It's weird Netflix covers. that we're getting into that world now because like, which I don't understand like you're not just porting the cover art. You want to like just make your own little thumbnail cover.

And usually they're terrible. They're absolutely terrible. The Netflix graphic department needs like a talking to. Well, I think it's all these people sending it. You know, the, oh, they're making fan art? They're going off Tumblr. All the indie distributors of film

are basically fan art. Especially a deviant art page. Well, that's the way, like the office has had like six. Yeah, they rotate it. It changes quite a bit. Like, you know what hasn't changed? Fucking Cheers. That's the same cover. Yep. Because why would you bother? It's cheers. I know what it looks like.

By the way, when Keanu dropped out of this movie, Fox, I guess, ran a little negative spin campaign on him. Oh, what? Because he dropped out to do Devil's Advocate. I thought he dropped out because he wanted to go on tour with Dog Star. That's what Keanu's saying is propaganda. What? Yeah. Whoa.

Brian? Did you tell the Hollywood reporter that I was going on tour with Dogstar? God damn you, Brian! Dogstar is just a group of fans. We just kind of hang out sometimes. That's our poker group, Brian. Dude, I would love it if Dogstar was just like a fake thing that he used to hang out with people. That'd be awesome.

Unfortunately, I have all two real memories of Dogstar having, like, albums come out. I think he had to play bass. Yes, I think he was a bass player. I have no memory of Dogstar. Yeah. And I think that may be a standard. Brackage reference? Like Dogstar Man? Maybe? I don't know. I don't know the history of how the band got that name. Wait, so he dropped out to do

Devil's Advocate, but it was like, Fox was like, he wants to go on tour with his band? Yeah, well, I mean, he probably was going on tour with this band anyway. They're like, oh, that Keanu Reeves is just so busy with this band. It's like when you, when like, someone doesn't come to a family birthday party and your mom starts talking shit. Oh, yep, you'd never hear the end of it. Oh, I guess movies can just drop dead then, huh? Is that how it is? I guess that's how it is? I guess that's it is. But God, I mean, Keanu Reeves, ever since he moved to the city,

forget about it. And that new girlfriend. We're not going to see him at Thanksgiving. I'll tell you that much. I'm movies. He never calls me anymore. You might as well skip speed three if that's your attitude. Oh man, do you think they were like, maybe we'll get them back for the next one? What would it be

in space? It has to be in space, right? Isn't that just what gravity was? And I think this would be more like airplane two. Speed three, the sequel. Yeah, and it's the first jetliner going to the moon. Oh, yeah. We have to get these people air. Yeah, exactly.

Coahagan. Wow, I never thought I needed Keanu Reeves starring in Total Recall. Oh, yeah, sure. They should have got him instead of Colin Farrell. Get your eyes to Mars. Yeah, I can see it happen. So we start this movie with a high-speed motorcycle chase cross-cut against Sandra Bullock taking a hilarious driving test. Oh, yeah.

In a classic car, a VW thing. Now, I don't know if you notice this car. And if you're going to watch the movie now after listening to this show, look at the car. Oh, what is that? Oh, this car is, oh, it's just a Nazi Jeep. Which is actually what, Volkswagen reissued. they just painted it fun colors. It was called The Thing?

Yeah, it was called the VW Thing. Oh, that's stupid. How do you think she got her hands on this one? I don't know. We never know her last name. It's just Annie. Don't they, like, give it in this movie, though? I think that's Annie Lennox.

The IMDB Tribune. Von Rippentroth. Yes, that's right, actually. Annie von Riffonfov. Well, Annie definitely has a type because Jason Patrick is really made up to look like Keanu Reeves in this movie. Oh, without question. We're talking.

Similar haircut. You're going so far as similar haircuts. And he's like chasing some dude who's driving a diaper truck. Full of computers. And you know what? Like, honestly this is way, like, and they're like, all it is just a bunch of stolen computers with what?

Nine grand tops? This does not require a high speed chase. This is a man hunt. People get murdered. People can die. It's like the Blues brothers with the amount of cruisers that are staking this thing out and chasing it. Oh, we're blocking off roads. Yeah.

Like, you know, you got to get them to cut through the canyon so we can cut them off at the pass. It's like, is it supercomputers? Is this like Bill Gates' personal's property? Like, is just a bunch of crap at the back of a car? It's junk. Let him go. It's, you know, get the license and get him at the next town. And you know what?

We eventually see like these boxes tumbling off this truck. And they're just empty cardboard. boxes that go nowhere show me computer smashing they're just boxes they're just empty boxes oh shit dude it's a decoy truck the real computer trucks are crossed down and the biggest

fucking tease of this movie one of my heroes you know him you love him Joe Morton reprising his role as Mac as Mac for like five seconds tops there's like three shots of Joe Morton in this movie why bother He should find a way on the boat

It's like oh I want to bring my boss on my boat Wait you on the boat That's my Jason Patrick impression Because I'm bored of it You gotta sound sleepy and bored Well you feel bad for him too Because he was like I'll do this movie If you make a couple of script changes supposedly again

Citing sources at the IMDB Tribune What the fuck are you making script changes To get Jason Patrick to do a movie I don't know But then, like, he got to set and they didn't make him and he was, he'd signed the papers. We're all the dinosaurs.

Hey! This boat isn't traveling through time. What the fuck happened in my changes? And when do we get to Skull Island? Wait, there's no Skull Island? I'm not fighting Kong. When Robert England gets in, just let me know because I wanted to have breakfast with him.

I want to talk about how he sees me as the new, leader of the dream warriors. Wait, what's not happening? Oh, come on. What do you mean? There's no Freddie Krueger. Man, speed two Kruger control? Oh, yeah. Without question

better movie. The poster is Freddy Krueger with like a dog leash around his neck? Yeah. Gonna make him heal. Yes, I like that. And I also, because it would be Freddie Krueger trying to do something for money, I guess. Like, to stay within the speed world. Right. You know, Freddy

Krueger needs some money because, like, he got fired by the devil, I guess. The devil let me go. And then he realized, 30 years of service down the tubes. What do janitors make nowadays? Oh, wages are stagnant. My God, a high school diploma is worthless.

Oh! I could hijack their dreams for money. Yeah. Dude, the covers, it's like Freddie Krueger on the cruise ship. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I'm supposed to be on vacation. I love it.

I love all of it. So good. So much better than speed two cruise control. Yeah. And then like as Annie is driving Tim Conway around. Comedy legend Tim Conway just slumming it in this movie as the driving instructor. You know, and she's like a really bad driver or something. Laughing my tits off at that.

And, you know, basically she's going to this whole story about like, How nice her new boyfriend is and how her old... It's just clearly... I was surprised I didn't kill off Keanu in between the two. Right. Yeah, well, that's why I'm thinking they were hoping for Speed 3 and trick them back in. Listen, killed... Brian!

Fucking Speed 3, Brian! Seriously? Yeah, I mean... My partner's a dog. Oh, man, that'd be good, too. K-9 with speed. But I was going to say, like, kill him off. Right.

And have this movie being going after his killer. Yeah, that's a good move. Like anything. Like, you can tell when a sequel loses its star from the original and you can tell they're missing them is when like a returning character starts the movie by like incessantly talking about the character who's not there. Because she's like, my old boyfriend, Jack, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relationships that begin out of extreme circumstances never like the fucking thing from the last movie, which they repeat that. like three times in this movie like the final line of speed is like all over

this one fucking come like you're so obviously missing you know what you need to do in this movie which it's crystallizing now is you lose your one star in Keanu right but what you do is you flip it and you fucking go full on Ripley for speed two

and now it's Sandra Bullock I've been here before yes and she's taken down below and the folks that's what it needs to happen and honestly when I rented this movie for the first time I seriously thought that's what it was going to be. Yeah. I was like, she's been here before. Oh, cool. But the reality is, she's, like, absent from this movie

for a total of, like, 30 minutes. And then when she's in the movie, she's either being instructed exactly what to do by Jason Patrick, or being punched in the face by Willow Defoe. Right, or, like, learning how to defuse a grenade or whatever. But also, like, she's just a damsel in distress.

Yeah. Totally. It's so obnoxious. Like, because even in the first movie, she's driving the bus. She's, like, doing the thing. Now, I haven't seen speed in a while. And this caused some debate in my house last night. She wasn't the bus driver, right? Would she just thrust into that position? The bus driver gets like shot or she gets shot. Okay, good. That's what I thought. Sam gets shot.

Sam! Oh, wow, nice. Yeah, I've seen a few times. Isn't a thing where she's like buddies with the bus driver? Yeah, everyone's buddy with the bus driver. Yeah, they're all miserable wretches. It's like that movie Heart and Souls with Robert Downey Jr. where all those people are miserable on the bus

and they all die. I'll take your word for it. Dude, that's a guilty pleasure, Andrew Jupin rom-com. Oh, that actually... Because it's like a ghost rom-com. He's got a couple of ghost rom-coms, right? Is he really?

Who, R-D-J? Yeah, he's in that one, and then isn't he the one where it's like, oh, I... Ghost, that was Patrick Swayze. No, he's playing of... Ghost, there was a ghost of... Gozor.

The Magificent. Gozer the Gozerer the Gozerer. Do you take this woman To be your love for bride Wait, what movie? It's Robert Teddy Jr., and he's like, no, no, he's like, do you reincarnated so-and-so? And like some old ladies try to fuck him

Or not old lady, but like in her 40s. That's chaplain. Are you thinking of Sir Richard Attenborough's chaplain? No, incorrect. Someone right into the mailbag. I thought, isn't that, that's kind of part of heart and souls, though, like, the ghosts like go into him

I think? Yeah, I know. And he takes on different personas. Now I'm getting it. You can keep talking about gozer. No, but maybe you're thinking. Gozarian? The ghost of Girlfriends Passed right now. McConaughey, is he

is he a ghost or are the girls' ghosts? They're all dead girls he dated? I think it's a Christmas tale or a Christmas story. What is it? Christmas Carol. No, it's Ted Bundy. No, it's, I think that Ghost of Girlfriends Pass is a movie. where it's like a Christmas carol and he's like a Scrooge type thing and it's like see how

you fucked up with ladies over oh so it's oh it's like the the ghost of the past that shows you right yes yeah it's all in the past is there a ghost of girlfriend's future i don't know i didn't make a nickel so probably not uh so i mean lecive is to look at this thing up but like just another thing about the the intro to this movie and whatnot is um She's telling this story about Keanu Reeves getting her a birthday present. And she's like, my last boyfriend, Jack, for my birthday, bought me pepper spray. I thought it was perfume and I ended up in the emergency room. How do you not know what perfume is versus what pepper spray is?

I just thought it was a manly perfume. Sex Panther. Paul Run's sex panther. I mean, this chasing ends. Like, she crashes a car into the police car. Like, there are two, like, chases come to a head. They run into each other. Yeah, that's just good screenwriting.

And the whole time she's like, oh, my new boyfriend is like a beach cop. All I'm thinking about at this point, by the way, is watching the USA Network's Pacific Blue. You remember that show? Mario Lopez has a bike cop on the beach. How is that not turned into a movie at this point? I think they tried to do that with Joseph Gordon Leavitt. It was that, what was it, high velocity? Rush, yeah, premium rush.

Premium blend. So you got this movie? It's called Chances Are. Oh, Chances Are! Yeah, Ryan O'Neill, I think, dies or something. And he comes back back as RDJ and starts laying pipe on old ladies. Well, yeah, like Sybil Shepard's trying to get in there. Well, yeah, what hasn't she tried to get into?

She didn't try to get into Speed 2 cruise control. That would be great if Sybil Shepard was, if there was a touring company, like, doing a production of something. So, like, yeah, the weird. thing is like so she confronts he's like oh he's a bike cop blah blah blah right but he's a sociopathic liar sure which is creepy oh yeah he's really like a super cop because he's driving this motorcycle and by this point he jumps off of it and basically throws the motorcycle into this van to stop it right and joe morton by the way even has some line that's like hey jason patrick this guy's like kind of low on the list so no reason to like go crazy

with this one, like, please don't crash this motorcycle, etc. But so she's like talking to Tim Conway, like, oh, my boyfriend's a beach cop and whatever. And then he comes up right behind her, like, covered and sweat, like, oh, how was the driving test? And you have some, like, cop

this, like, glorified extra that's like, oh, man, you're the fucking wild machine. He's like from, this, like, Brooklyn Jamboke comes up from nowhere. He's like, oh, that's a fucking guy. I'm talking about look at this fucking jabroni over here what are you talking you're in los angeles what is this guy doing

in this movie i hate when that happens in movies man and she has this weird line that's like she says like you told me you're not on the suicide squad oh and you know what i was thinking about queen songs no i was thinking about dc's suicide squad out in the theaters in august right imagine it was all those guys all those famous Villains. That like Lizard Man. Right. Lizard Man.

Is that Killer Croc? That is Killer Croc. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. And then Jason Patrick. Yeah. As the Speed 2 character. Oh, the Joker.

Killer Crock, Katana. And Speed 2. And Speed 2's Jason Patrick. His power is making people take a nap in front of their TV for two hours and five minutes. He's going to drive that sequel right. into the fucking walls what he's going to do at 98 miles an hour. Well, isn't, what's his name, Joel Kinneman?

Yep, in the movie. Isn't he like a normal person who's tasked with organizing them or whatnot, handling them? Yeah. That could be this Jason Patrick character. And then they kill him instantly and then they have to bring in a tough guy, Joel Kinneman. That's what you do. Burial at sea for that guy, right? I think that Jason Patrick could have made a pretty good Robocop.

Oh. You know what, maybe? like post brain injury Murphy right keep the helmet on yeah oh yeah yeah it's a helmet of the whole time kind of deal yeah like for all those flashbacks and shit i don't know keep that to a minimum less jason patrick screen time so sandra's all upset and whatnot she should break up with this right then and there the last thing you want to do ladies and gentlemen is when you find out that your boyfriend your partner's been seriously lying to you is to get on a boat with that person.

You know what happens on boats. You get pushed off. Yeah. You go for a swim. The deep dive. So she's like, I'm so mad at you right now. And he's like, oh, well, good thing I brought these to work with me today. Here's two tickets for a cruise.

Leave that in the duffel bag back at the precinct. Yes, that's a locker situation. Why are these cruise tickets in your fucking bulletproof vest? Why are you doing that when you're riding on a motorcycle 100 miles an hour? You lose those tickets, man. You want to talk about non-refundable. What's that? Like seven grand down the drain?

Cruises aren't cheap. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Well, one of the good ones. All right, I'll check on my phone. Anybody ever been on a cruise? I have been on a cruise. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Did you get the neurovirus? No, that was before people were getting that classic gag. No, it was in the early aughts. Uh-huh. Went on a family cruise. We did like a split. It was like half the vacay in Disney World. And then we went on a cruise ship that was all Looney Tunes characters.

Was not the big red boat? It was the big red boat. Oh, okay. That sounds terrifying. Well, actually, I'll tell you, there was an instance where it was like weird. Like, I was a teenager at the time. I was like kind of aged out of Disney World and whatnot. I'd never been there.

And so it was like, it was fine. But we go on this cruise ship and I was like, all right, that's cool. Buffets. hey look here's a little fucking fat teenager buffet time not enough fat teenagers in this movie you need them oh yeah especially for the body count um so like there was this one time where it was like oh i'm gonna leave dinner and go up and you know do whatever activities uh and i go to go on the elevator and i must have like accidentally gotten over to like a staff elevator or something door swings open

it's this is the big red boat so there's all these like loony tunes characters dancing around and shit. There is a dude playing Marvin the Martian with the helmet off and he's holding the head of the costume like under his arm and the door opens and I'm like

oh you're breaking the reality right now and the guy's looking at me like oh no and then like I didn't get on and the door's just closed is this movie better or worse if Willem Defoe is playing a guy playing Marvin the Martian that happens to be a terrorist.

You know it's better. You so do know the answer to that question. It's definitely better. I'm on in three. Sorry, boys. Showtime. Yeah, exactly. Like, inside the helmets, all the bombs or whatever?

Well, see, it would be great, right? Like, he goes up against Jason Patrick, and, like, Jason Patrick bumps into Marvin the Martian. And he's like, watch where you go in, stupid creature and whatever. And then, like, he starts pushing him back. And it's like, oh, man, is this guy going to fight a costumed character? Get your ass to Mars. Yeah.

And then, like, you know, he pulls out a gun and it's like Marvin the Martian holding a pistol on him. Yeah. That would be awesome. And then he takes off his head and he's doing his Willem Defoe witch laugh. That's what he's got, right? That's a witch laugh. Yeah, it's a nice cackle. So, yeah, this woman against everyone, all of her friends must have been like, don't get on a boat with this guy.

He did what? Oh, well, I mean, we understand a free vacation, but don't get on a boat with this guy. Against all, so we're on the boat, and Willem Defoe is looking for these golf clubs. Like, the first thing you see is, he grabs this little bellboy, and he's like, I'm very upset right now. And you're like, what are you talking about? And, like, basically he's waiting for my, he's like, where are my fucking golf clubs? You misplaced them, and I demanded you find them. And then the guy's like, oh, this obnoxious bellhop character that you just want to see dipped in acid.

It's just like, oh, we found them. I'm going to take care of this nice little couple right here. And then I'm going to come up to your room with your golf clubs. And he's like, they're very important to me. They're definitely golf clubs and not instruments for terrorism. And then he goes in his room, closes the door, releases a bag full of eels or leeches. Leeches. Like little jars of leeches like, well, boys, we made it.

And it's like, what am I? watching oh man it's so awesome he's because what does he say he's like time to wake up boys and you're like ew where are you putting those oh man i was like what's this movie rated quick check really they are trying to do everything on a cruise ship right yeah who wants to come to my cabin for some dick leeches the great thing about it is it leeches on to my boner right so i can so i can stay harder, longer, because it's kind of siphoning off the hard on a little bit, you know? It's like a

give and take. Honey, let's go to the midnight buffet instead. Sure, I'm not as hard as I normally am without the leeches, but it's sustained. Small price to pay, boys. Yeah, you're right. I think Willem DeFoeh is somebody that catalogs his erections.

Oh, sure. I mean, yeah. Definitely. Oh, that was a good one. 89. Pulls out a moleskin notebook. January 13th, 1994, zero. That was a sad day for me and the leeches. There was an episode of My Strange Addiction. Is that the show where people are, like, eating toilet paper and shit?

That's like the entire show is people... Every episode someone has eaten toilet paper. I think I only saw one episode when someone was like, I want to fuck a building. It can't work, but I'll rub it. Quick recommendation. I think we've brought it up on this show before. before I married the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, that's what I'm thinking of. Yeah, which is a great... Oh, that's what you were thinking of? Yeah. Oh, classic weirdo doc, man. These fucking people have problems. Well, it's a romantic icon. But my strange addiction, it's a guy that's addicted to having leeches on him every day.

Like, he thinks it's like... He thinks this weird, like, eccentric guy is like... Oh, you don't say? He's like, oh, it takes away all the toxins from my body, like one of those weirdos. Yeah, sure. Like those things where it's like, oh, you just put those like pads on your feet that you bought off the TV at 3 a.m. They suck all the toxins right out. Slash somehow also probably give you brain cancer.

Which enables you to buy more. So, Sandy and Jason Patrick getting a drink. Sandy talks up William Defoe at the bar for a second. You don't even see this conversation. Would you want to see it, right? Because it's like the two actors that I. know better. That I could watch at a movie? Yeah, exactly. I'm like, can we please hear what they have to say? Oh, what's that? I'm just going to watch Jason Patrick brood at them.

Oh, he's stewing about it. I'm going to kill her. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. Yeah. She gets back and she's like, oh, here's your drink. He's like, what's your new boyfriend have to say? And I'm like, whoa, whoa, this is getting real aggressive, real quick. You're on a boat with this dude. Listen, Sandra Bullock, make some fucking friends. He's been lying to you this whole time. You don't even, anything you know about this guy's probably Will I? Right. But this guy puts leeches on his

dick I just found out. It's exciting. That's what he's leading with. Hey, you got to come back to my room and meet the boys. Meet the gang. Got a team of boys back at my cabin. They really do a number on me.

I call him the boondock seats. Because they totally suck. Me off. Oh, yeah. Duffin! This one's Duffy, and this one's Little Norman Reader. He's the strongest out of all of them. My apologies for Willow Defoe.

You don't sound like Stanley, but you kind of do. This wily little one is Billy Connelly. Man, those movies suck a dog's ass. Well, just I had to get that out. So Willow DeFoe gets his golf clubs. And here's the thing. what Willem Defoe is doing in this movie. I don't know what he's actually physically in the movie for,

but I don't know what his character's up to. Well, I just bought a boat, Steve. So let's get into that motivation, right? Because apparently it's, he worked for the cruise company to develop this, like, guidance system. Literally the cruise control. He developed the titular cruise control.

And it's so annoying, too, because, like, the captain goes into the bridge, and it's just like, good morning, captain. Let's use the interactive. menu to captain the ship today. Yeah, it's one of those like, so you driving a cruise ship's pretty easy,

isn't it? No, it's not. That's involved movie. And apparently the cruise company fired Wilm Defoe when he got sick. Is this why the leeches are happy? So as Willem Defoe explains it across seven different scenes,

he worked night and day on a computer to program this guidance system. the cruise control. That's why you get two programmers, by the way, but did you go on? Yeah, yeah, you're right, Steve. And he says something, and I don't know if this is true or not, and I, you know,

I feel like it's not, but who knows that, like, you know, I live night and day in front of this computer and it made me sick, and he got some sort of, like, blood poisoning from the magnetism of these computers. Yeah, okay. And so then, like, instead

of paying for his health care, like the cruise company fired him, and the leeches suck the copper out of his blood which keeps him alive longer. What in the hell? Listen, I didn't write the movie. I'm just telling you what Willem Defoe told me last night.

No, he's the most boring person in suicide squad, I think. I'm the leech. Get sucking, boys. I sit in the back while the guys do their stuff and I get the copper out of my blood. I stand in the back of the suicide squad and catalog my boners. Hey, Joker, want to have a laugh off?

Oh, man. Well, the phone could have played the Joker? No, you know what? I did the Green Goblin. They're like, no, that's it. Once you sign on it. No, here's the thing. Once you reboot it three times, you can be whatever you want to be.

That's fair. Has there ever been comic book expert Steve Sadek? Like an old Joker story? Uh, yeah, I'm sure there's been. I mean, well, the Dark Night, uh, Dark Night, uh, Batman, 1989. Yeah, you know what? You got me there. No, he's only 62 in that movie.

It's great. Don't get me wrong, but. I mean, that would be cool if he was like, if this dumbass Jared Letto thing, presumably dumbass. Don't, no, I don't know. You're going to get letters. I know, but I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm just saying. You win and I hate it.

You know. went in there hating it. Read a fucking comic book. You went right in wanting to hate it. Yeah. I have eyeballs that I don't like things. I think that Jared Leto looks particularly stupid. I don't know if it's going to be terrible, but

if that didn't exist, what I'm saying is you could have this stand-alone old Bruce Wayne movie and have Willem Defoe play this older Joker. That's a Darkhire Returns movie that everybody always wants. Nobody's going to get it. Nobody's going to get it. Maybe

bail will do it when he's like 60 you know no one comes not coming back bail mail's long gone sorry but that's the yeah that's fair everyone wants him back but he's not coming back so we got um a couple of wily supporting characters on this cruise ship including such luminaries as the fat guy from friends and wayne's world who's been around he's a pretty funny dude is very Funny person. Patricia Darbo, I believe her name is, from step-by-step. She played Suzanne Summers' sister at the hair salon. She's floating around in this movie.

You know, it's kind of hilarious about that step-by-step hair salon is eventually they close. It was always in the kitchen. Yeah, off the kitchen. You go right and you go right into the hair salon. But eventually that door just closed forever and then they just kind of forgot that that happened. Wasn't someone living there, though, for a while? I feel, no, the code man was living like in a truck outside. The code man had his fucking creep van out in the driveway.

Yeah, I've never seen Step Like that. Oh, really? Were you not a fan of the TGIF lineup in the 1990s? I was putting leeches on my dick. Put leeches on your dick watching Highlander 2 on a shag carpet? No, exactly. I was watching important films. Yeah, I never watched.

the Friday night learn up. Have you like never seen Urkel? Like prime Urkel? Only a handful. Really? Only a handful. Yeah. I think I spent the better part of a decade watching the adventures of Steve Erkel. Way till it was way too late. Yeah. Oh yeah. It was like there had been more than one Steve Erkel robot. And I was still watching it. There was an Erkel bot 2.0.

I feel like if you did open that door that used to hold the salon though, like a big fucking sandworm got you like in the last season of step by step you walk out and you're in the middle of sand and a sandworm gets you. The later years of that show did the biggest fucking sin of all time and gave them more kids

whatever like she got pregnant and had twins or something like how many do you fucking need it's already a crass Brady bunch that's what I'm sold on I don't need more of these little mongrels remember the one girl had a pet pig yeah they did

everything on that show. So speed two. What else we got? Oh, we got Django Fet as part of the crew. Oh, man. Timor Morrison. He's awful. He truly is awful. Terrible. He's so bad in this movie. He's awful. But I think you could

sell me on a Timor Morrison as like, right now is like an aged cop. Like an aged New Zealand cop. Oh, sure. That gets killed in the first five minutes, right? Because then I'm on board. No, Sam Jackson decapitates him at the end of the movie. He's not in the movie.

That's also, yeah, his career got decapitated too. I looked him up on IMDB last night. Yeah, nothing. He was like some random Scorpion King sequel. Oh, dude, there's like a baker's dozen of secret Scorpion King movies. Django Fet is firmly in the grave looking at IMDB. You know, that's what's, he should be fucking, like, you know, sticking it to the flight of the concordes and something. You know what I mean?

Like, that's a fun move. Sure. Hey, by the way, quick plug for New Zealand cinema. The new Taika YTT movie, the guy who did what we do in the shadows and he's doing the new Thor movie. Dude, hunt for the Wilder people with Sam Neal. Fucking awesome movie coming out this summer. Total recommend. I saw it the other day.

I have to plug it. Now, what is Sam Neal doing in that? No dinosaurs, huh? No, he's, it's kind of like he and his wife adopt this. kid who's like kind of like a problem shot not like junior problem child it's like a at risk like shelter kid uh and

then like it's still funny they go on this adventure in like the bush kind of a thing it's fucking awesome but Timmer Morrison is terrible in this movie yes he's terrible in every he's terrible in those prequels yeah he is bad at those movies awful he's a bit he's a bit doughy yeah yeah I was noticing that too

I mean jango now he was kind of dumpy The Mandalorian girdle you're thinking? Yeah, I think so. And then I'm just like, looking at this doughy body in this. I'm body-shaming Django Fat Big Time. And I'm just like, why would they use him to clone for these stormtroopers? Well, you just need the DNA.

Clone troopers, pardon me. Oh, yeah, please. Clone troopers. Bite my tongue. You know, you just make sure all those clones are, you know, doing a fitness regimen and not watching fucking Urkel. But apparently it didn't work because they all look like him

and they all got the love handle. Are you seeing a lot of clone troopers with their shirt off in that movie? I don't know if you play your cards right. Oh, if I'm reading your slash fiction, I guess. You want a clone army to be a football team. Right. Not a fantasy football team.

You know what I mean? I just keep those clones away from Erkel, man. I was hypnotized for a decade, brainwashed. Welcome, Django Fet. Here is your bag of Doritos. We've gotten all of the flavors for you and all of your clones. Good, spicy, Thai, chili. My favorite.

Munch. Munch, munch, munch, munch. Well, he's like the best bounty hunter in the galaxy, so he gets whatever he wants. Any Dorita chip in the book. Any, any, listen, carrot cake any size. No carrot cake is too big for the best bounty hunter in the galaxy. It's got to be as big as the slave one.

He's got a little, a little notch in his helmet that opens up so he can eat while he's driving. Might as well with the amount of times he takes that fucking helmet off in those. Oh, man, Eric's getting all stewed up. sorry you know i'm sorry for uh you know diverging us down this that's what there's nothing in this movie so william defoe jango fat how did it take us that long to get there we've been talking about it for 10 minutes we finally got to jango fat and you know you know it's okay we're we're just jango fat oh we're jango fat as the next club messes exactly so willam defoe gets those golf clubs and he starts unscrewing them and there's all sorts of terrorist gear inside

them which you know like the thing is in the first movie it made sense like uh hopper was a bomb squad guy he makes a lot of good bombs right this guy just knows about cruise ships and he's got this like james bond set of fucking golf clubs yeah we're like the golf balls have like little sulfur bombs in them you know he's under my little golf balls oh yeah should have had these when i played the green goblin boom boom spider man avenge me it would have made sense as a head of he would be playing golf all the time. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Totally makes sense.

So he, like, you know, unscrews all this, like, hidden computer equipment and hacks into the mainframe. Long story short, he takes over this cruise ship. And then he kills the captain with a lamp, which is good. It's a lamp attached to the boat. The captain could have, I don't know,

walked away from it. It's this captain's death is his own fault because he keeps coming after. that's swinging lamb. Because like he's about to address the whole There's a big gala going on downstairs So he gets at his nines, you know We're on, we're set to cruise control anyway.

It's cruise ship traditions Sure. That the captain comes down And has dinner in the dining room with you at least once. So he's about to do that And Wilm Defoe is in front of this like swinging desk lamp And he's just like It's like a fucking Pixar movie

And he's like Come on. Hey, hey, get closer to this lamp And the guy should have been like no. you creep. Yeah, I'm just going to run away from you. But he just knocks him over the boat. And this is like, you know, right before he does it, you get part of like, I designed this and you fucking fired me, Carnival Cruise Line or whatever. And so this dude just goes over and it's like bad CGI.

Speaking of Carnival Cruise Line, there's that creepy commercial of, it's, you get a wake up call. You get a wake up call. You're a Disney World, right? Yeah. And it's Goofy. Want to play a game? Yuck? No, he's a...

It's time to wake up. I'd be like, oh, fuck. You know what I mean? Like, Goofy knows my schedule. It's too early for that, Goofy. You know what, man? Yeah, you know, you want to play a game? Time to get up and get to the gym, you fat fuck.

Wake up. Time to die. Oh, you sleep pretty. That's a little bit of a skippy outfit you wear it a bed. Oh, what a quinky dink. I sleep naked, too, a yuck? I saw your winky dink. Oh, no, Goofy's calling from inside the boat.

Yeah, yeah. And the thing is, Jason Patrick keeps trying to propose to Sandra Bullock. And I'm just, I'm biting my nails as to whether or not that's going to happen. Because I care so much about these two lovebirds. It drives me nuts. he's like carrying this ring around everywhere like oh my god is this the perfect moment and he's a maniac he is i'm like yep thank god he keeps getting thwarted there's no evidence that he had that haircut in the beginning of the relationship and what

i'm thinking is you know she's like oh my ex-boyfriend jack it was a really crazy intense relationship but it ended yeah and he he looks up the pictures are you thinking like he he was an actual beach bike up now he started doing all this crazy shit to be more like He signed up to be on the suicide squad. He got the haircut. Right. Is he going to be like, hey, why don't you start calling me, Jack, if it makes it easier for you? He starts hanging out with Bill Pullman because he looks enough like Jeff Daniels.

Man, if ever a movie needed the cinematic savior that is Bill Pullman. Yes. Because by the way, Sandy Bullock and Bill Pullman and while you were sleeping, chemistry across the board. Chemistry as far as the eye can see. Not these two. It's like watching two dead bodies flirt with each other. It's true. Subtitled to While You Were Sleeping with a Peter Gallagher's face on the cover,

Your eyebrows kept growing. Well, it's like a corpse, you know? Your hair grows long after your heart stops and your brain dies. That is true. And your fingernails. Does the eyebrows get going? But, yeah, oh, they have no chemistry whatsoever. It just made me think of what it's going to look like with Martin Scorsese's.

been there a while. Yeah, pray for cremation. Those eyebrows might take over the world. They'll at least open the casket. Anyway, what you were saying? Yeah, they have no chemistry, right? They're a bunch of fucking sticks. It's horrible.

They don't even have biology. Bravo. Yeah, like they're like dancing together and it's like, it might as well be like eighth grade holding hips dancing. like they just they just so don't want to be close to each other and even to nail that point home is he gets food poisoning or something gets seasick oh right yeah because they're supposed to like get down to fucking

and then it's like cut to her in the cabin watching Lolita yeah and he's there's like puke all over the bed and there's a bucket with puke in it cool can the movie just stay focused on the TV for the rest of the running time yeah I'd rather watch a Stanley Cooke Ubrick movie, thank you. Hey, neighbor, you watching Lolaida too?

Me and the leeches are watching and once you come on over. Fondel and my Ben Waballs. I give it four sucks up. Ouch. Ouch, Reggie. You're getting a little handy. Tone it down, boys. Oh, boy. Yeah, relax, humbear. Oh, and you

relax, humbear. I love the movie Lolita. Does that make me weird? I watch it with my leachers. Speaking of Lolita, this is around the time he also had, he flirts with that deaf girl. Right, yeah. She's like, like, they're signing, like, across the dining room.

Right. Because he always wanted to learn another language, so he learned sign language. Sure. Which is fine, which is fine. No, no, no, no, it's not fine. Because no one, no one fucking does that. It's like, I had a deaf sister.

I've got a, you know, some sort of deaf relative, a deaf friend. Purpose. although maybe he's learning it so he can lure someone that maybe can't talk. Oh. You know what I'm saying? That could be. I mean, I don't know.

I feel like it's a good idea if you work on the bomb squad to learn sign language just in case, right? Right. You're either so? That's a good point. But this is the suicide squad. It's not the bomb squad. All right. They leave everyone behind if stuff goes around.

He's not chasing a, you know, a truck full of bombs. which would make sense. He's chasing a truck full of junked computer parts. Think about how much more exciting if there was a bomb truck going to like downtown Los Angeles or something at the start of this movie. Yeah.

Sure. God damn it. Of course. So sign language, by the way, you would expect that to be like the end of the movie is like he uses sign language to trick the guy. Yes. That's like a movie thing you would do.

Yeah, that doesn't happen here. No, it's just useless. Well, and well, aside from letting this little girl hit on him right because like Sandra Bullock's like what is she saying to you and he's like oh think about this he had to initiate that conversation right yeah he starts off no yeah yeah you're right that's fucked up but it's not it's totally innocent yeah she he's just like you know you having a good time like he's he signs out like my name you know he spells out his name and what okay here what I want you to do

Steve. Next time you're on vacation with your lady, start chatting up a 14 year old girl and see if she says anything about it. And then you can just say,

it's innocent. It's innocent. You want to watch Loleet? I brought the leeches. God, it's disgusting. Well, it's also weird because, like,

so Sandy's like, what is she saying to you? And he's like, she says that you're very beautiful. She wants to know if you're my sister. And Sandra Bullock's got to be like,

let her down easy. And so, like, he signs back like, it's my girlfriend or whatever. And she's like, harrum. She gets all teen angsty about it. So, Defoe takes over the boat. Yes. And at one point, I thought, and this is kind of a better movie,

like, I thought Timor Morrison was his henchman. Because he's like, yes, yep. There's one point where he's, like, telling him, yeah, he's telling him what to say, or it sounds like he's telling him what to say, like. It makes no sense. What he's doing is, like, guessing what the conversation's going to be. But it sounds like he's got an earpiece in, and or like maybe he probably does just to be fed his lines.

This guy's trash. No, Defoe, Defoe does have a line into, like, he is listening to them. He's just anticipating what they're going to say. That's useless. It sure is, because I was just as confused. I was like, oh, is he talking to one of them? Yeah. Because that's, you know, what you do in movies.

When that's happening, that's like movie language for he's telling him what to say. Right, characters communicating. Yeah, not like, I have to guess that he's guessing what they're going to say. This is a movie, I guess. And he takes over the boat, and now Timor Morrison, and then this Scottish guy. Yeah, he's an engineer or something. Some young hunk. Yeah, and it's basically a very Scotty kind of thing.

This guy's always talking about the power and what have you. Yeah, you're right. I didn't notice that. That is kind of weird. He's called, look at what the captain might be. not might be. Right. Always looking for the captain. So he has to have, Tim, Tim, William Defoe's like, I've got commanded this ship, Captain Django Fet. And now you better take everybody out of here. That's what's weird. The evacuate. The two weirdest

things. He doesn't have a team of, like, henchmen. Yes. It needs to be super criminals. They've all got to be crooked. And it would be great just to up the body count. Because again, that captain died. That's about it. Killed by lamp, by the way. not even killed by lamp thrust it into the water by lamp and then the most boring deaf of all off screen drowning Yeah just sucked under the boat

Because he is awkwardly Like when he falls off the boat He starts like swimming toward it And I was like no dude Go the other way Like yes you're going to be lost at sea But the other option is getting sucked Under the huge cruise ship

And chopped to pieces That's what happens to that guy But also show me that. Yeah. Well, see, here's the thing. We're dealing with 1997 C.G.I. Turbine animation. That's true. It's tough. That's some tough aging. Stick around, chum. But so, like, yeah, he doesn't have henchmen. And then he's immediately, like, when he takes control of the situation is like, all right, everybody. Now get to safety. And I'm like, no, you're supposed to be the madman. Like, you have to start saying something about, like, I'll execute one person every whatever the fuck. Like, do. anything to make him a villain. And also, here's something. If I'm the parents

of a girl with special needs, a deaf girl, and she's like, oh, I'm going to wander the boat, these people get on this life raft immediately. It's amazing. You can never leave your deaf or no, nothing. It's just like your kids away from you and that you have to evacuate

the boat. I don't know, dude. Insurance policy. But they're like, oh, well, too bad. They're like, oh, she's probably in the other life boat. Let's just get it in this one. I'm like, no. No, no, no. And that's what kills me. Because, like, yeah, what a gross assumption that, like, well, it's a cruise ship. How far could she go?

Well, she could fall overboard. She could be fucking kidnapped and put in some weirdos cabin. Sure. Anything could happen to this person. They're like, oh, she's just mad at us because the dad, like, shit talked her outfit and said she looked like a clown. Which is, wow, great job, dad. Yeah, totally. It's just a little girl wearing a dress.

She's got, like, a colorful tutu on. And he's like, I will not have this on this fancy cruise. we're on. Yeah, fancy cruise. Well, I am trying to figure out the level of cruise quality here because, like, sometimes it looks pretty shitty, as in you've hired UB40 to be your

fucking cruise band. But then on the other hand, we're all wearing tuxitos to dinner, and there's like a diamond show. This is like 97 or whatever. So, like, UB40, like the wave had crested, but there was still a little bit of after ripples, UB4. I don't know, man. Those seas were almost calm.

They were all but calm. Red, red wine? Come on, guys. All but calm. See, now, you hear that, they come and play that song. You're like, all right, this is a nice time. And then you're like, oh, wait, there's a whole other concert. They're not just... Yeah, they're not going to just do red, red wine all the time. Yeah. Also, it's a fucking 14-night cruise. What do you think they're every night? I mean, how many bands you got on there? This is a hell cruise. What about David, maybe David Johansson's on there doing hot, hot, hot.

Oh, yeah, Buster Poindexter. Now we're talking. Then you can just kill you. Then you may be you kill yourself. Wait, wait, wait. Buster Poindexter is better than UB40? Well, maybe he's going to do some New York Dolls tunes while he's there, too. You doesn't have to be Buster Poindexter the whole time.

I guess. You know who's fucking themselves the whole time, UB4O? Well, where are those dolls, man? If he's there, I want the dolls there. Just do solo show. Maybe color me bad shows up. Are we? Here's the thing, are we like helicoptering in other acts?

Well, they did in Under Siege, and it turned out to be terrorists. Oh, yeah, that's right. That really blew up in their face. Who would buy Tommy Lee Jones as a rocker? Yeah, that was pretty foolish of them to let him aboard. But that's a movie that's like terrorists on a boat, and I'm paying attention. Absolutely. And it's good.

God, you know, like you really get the ins and outs of the boat. I know, hey, put down the tweet. I know it's a different kind of boat. But show me something of this boat. I honestly feel like I don't know anything. You know what we are shown in this movie? The cruise director played by the same actress who plays Lucy Moran from Twin Peaks. Oh, right.

She's just there doing her little high-pitch voice the whole time. But here's something. So everybody's getting evacuated. And like Jason Patrick's like, oh, no, this is too easy. Or something. Well, because Steve, it turns out he's like a master detective. Uh-huh. And he's, you know what he's got?

A whiff of something foul. Most foul. And this is the only other time that people die in the movie is like people are, uh, the, the mother of the girl who's missing is like, oh, let me off the boat. Let me off the life raft. And she shakes it and like four people fall to their deaths. Oh, yeah. And the dad's like, that's not your fault, honey. That's not your fault.

I'm like, dude, that's your fault, honey. First of all, he shouldn't be in that boat, first of all. There's some other, like, stipulation that DeFoe sets up where he's, like, you have such and such amount of time to get these people, like, he stops the boat. And he's like, you have such and such amount of time to get these people off the boat before I started again. And, like, Tamor Morrison, I think it is, has the line like, oh, we can't, like, be lowering these things when the boat is moving. And they dick around for so long that DeFoe starts the boat up again. you know what

you got 10 minutes for the bathroom I'm starting the car exactly so it's like this boring action sequence where Jason Patrick's like saving like this cruise photographer that we have to meet Dante the cruise photographer

yeah he definitely says something about like at the beginning of the movie he takes their picture and he's like and remember me my name is Dante and I'm like yeah remember me for later in the movie please God let me be in the movie more well Sandra Bulls like no it's Dante

Like, he's hanging off? Well, I guess it worked. You're right. This is the movie entering, like, a black hole. This is, like, abyss. Like, kill Dante. Have something happened. Because who cares?

That old lady bites it. In Titanic? Sparkle motion. Oh, yeah. Well, no, that's the long game. You know what? The Titanic finally caught up to her, Steve. No one gets away from the Titanic.

That's a creepy ending. to that movie, you've always been here. Right, yeah. It is kind of a you've always been here slash like, we've been waiting for you this whole time. It's an issue. Like the shining with the portrait. Exactly. She went to hell, right?

That's what happened. Oh, she went straight to hell. Do you think they have to reenact the sinking of that ship for all eternity? Yes, every night. Why are they all in hell? I mean, I can understand Kathy Bates and Billy Zane being there. Well, Leonardo to Caprio. David Warner's in there. David Warner's ready to kill on

that boat. Yes. Now, Leonardo DiCaprio is in hell because he commits suicide in the end by letting go. Yep, that's right. You're right.

That's a cardinal. And she goes to hell for letting him. Exactly, yeah. It's a double whammy. Oh, she goes to hell for throwing away precious jewels. Also for premarital sex in that car.

It was pretty steamy. Oh, yeah. That's the steamyest window in all of cinema. It looked great, but you paid for it. So Billy Zane goes on a boat with his girlfriend. He's like, you know what, I better get this professional assassin

to hold our bags? Like, what is David Warner's deal in that movie? I don't know, but he's probably killing people with piano wire on the mainland, right? Well, he's just there to kill Irish, I think. It's the idea. It's like, in case how did the Irish get a little rickety on the boat? Any of them Irish Catholics?

Get them away from me, says Billy Zane and Titanic. So there's a lot of back and forth. We're going all around the boat. I mean, like, and it's all just boring. Apparently, and the boat is going towards, it's going 20 knots an hour, which is just like, I don't know. I don't know what, I don't know boat speeds. Yeah, exactly. 50 miles an hour and a fucking bus, I got it.

Yep. And I mean, like, it's a, but the problem with a boat is it's so big you don't feel that speed. You don't notice any of the kinetic energy. Yeah, you're right. It's like, oh my God, the planet's spinning much faster now. I don't know, man. Like, you got me. Yeah, it's just the fact that this is a sequel, the speed, like...

And how are there no sharks? Yeah, you're right. On the boat or just in general? I'm just on vacation. Oh, they got us down here with the Irish. Let's dance. I call that one a fin jig. I'm a dancing shark.

24-hour buffets. Ain't a casino. I'm in shock heaven. Well, yeah. I was thinking like they circle the boat at one point. That's an adventure. Well, the boat would have to be stopped for that. And then that's like definitely no speed. If you're at zero knots, dude, as the movie lets me know later,

zero knots is no speed. But maybe like all these people get chumped up in the blades of the propeller. Oh, it's chum trail. Trump trails. Speed two chump trails. conspiracy about chum trails and then all the sharks come and then I guess you would have to stop the boat well I think that's like deep water three colon chum trails open water oh open water

yeah yeah open water three chum trails that's what it could be like we we like killed oh that's what it is it's the mafia and they're out on a boat love it fucking kill somebody like big pussy and they saw them up and start throwing them overboard and then the sharks start following the chum trails then the boat breaks down they somehow all fall in the water right open water three colon chum trails you got is a treatment that i better go type this up i'll be right back that is great none of them know how to repair the boat because they're just italian mobsters absolutely that dude sharks versus mafia it's the biggest untapped market you're totally right a new shark movie coming out this summer actually oh yeah oh and it kind of looks cool oh wait there's like that girl

surfing and it's like oh oh i can't get out of here it's uh what's her face from green lantern i believe oh blake lively i think it's blake lily yeah she goes surfing and then like she gets stuck on a rock and there's like a shark fucking with her and i gotta tell you bravo to this trailer you see a dude just being eaten alive in the trailer it was a good trailer i actually thought it was an open water sequel i did too well you know what chum trails coming next summer directed amazon streaming but if that movie does well They'll definitely be chum trails. And honestly, if you're interested in making chum trails, we all hate movies at gmail.com.

Totally. We will get to work on this screenplay. You finance it? Yeah. Hey, we got yourself a directed DVD movie. I mean, Steve Chiroop is down the block, literally right now. I think I saw him at the pizza place on the way up here, so like I can grab him. Yep.

He's in chump trails. Oh, you know what? My, I was about to say my favorite part of this movie, but let's not get nuts, Andrew. So there's like all these rich people get stuck in a hallway or some such business. And it's like heating up. So they all start like taking off their clothes for some reason. Oh, yeah. So everybody's just getting naked.

You hear that, boys? The fat guy from friends is like pissed off that he's got to like take his shirt off or whatever. And he points to this like singer on the cruise. And he's like, hey, why isn't she having to take her pants off or whatever? And she's like, because I'm not wearing any underwear, Harvey. And, like, the camera, like, sort of tilts down. And this woman, like, pulls her dress up and, like, hisses at this man. I don't understand why this needs to be in Speed 2 cruise control.

They're blocked in a hallway and, like, poisonous gas is coming in. Oh, right, the gas. Oh, they're trying to stuff up. Yeah. I mean, at that point, I'm getting naked in public. If my, if me taking my dress off is going to stop this poisonous gas. What is? What does clothing have to do with it?

Because they're stuffing up the vents. They're trying to block off all the vents. But then Chandy Bullock, I almost called her Chandy Bullock, but she is Chandy Bullock at this point. Because she has a chainsaw. She goes leather face on the door. It's just so, because the gag then, you know, she cuts the hole in the door. And she's like, do you think you guys can fit through? And, like, she's still running the saw in this dude's phase.

God damn it. Like, you don't even know how to do this. Also, I don't need to be, you know, forced into laughter in speed two cruise control. You're laughing yet? So towards like the middleish end of this movie is... God, all fucking two hours and five minutes. The boat is now finally getting close to a oil tanker, right? It's about to hit an oil tanker and like Jason Patrick's like,

we should probably stop it. And like, everyone's like, yeah, you're probably right, Jason Patrick. And eventually it's in pursuit of Willem Defoe, who apparently now has, like, this power glove that he can hack the doors and shit. Dude, this is so fucking stupid. It is a power glove. And when did this cruise ship get Star Trek doors? Yeah, it's a bunch of like... It's like, beep, pooh, and it just, like, hiss his clothes, and I'm just like, wait, what, what, no, like, no fucking power doors in this movie, please?

It's ridiculous. And he's, like, laughing at DeFoe... Or he's laughing at Jason Patrick. Jason Patrick's got a shotgun on this guy. You know what? This dude's like taken over the cruise ship. How about some buckshot to those feet? Just do it.

He doesn't do it. And then it's just like you get that witch laugh, right? And the door closes. And that's Jason Patrick's one week weakness, apparently. Just shotgun the fucking door. Yeah, you're totally right. Keep going after him. You have that shotgun.

And he's later thwarted by doors too. When now we have the grenade sequence. Yes. Oh, right. Willam Defoe like, He locks him in like a dance club or something. He locked him in a chamber of doors. And you'll never get out of there because they're doors.

And I locked all the doors with grenades. I had my leeches do it. Go get them, boys. See, that's another reason why it's so obnoxious that he doesn't have a team of henchmen because he has to do everything. When did he do this? He's like, the whole movie is Willem Defoe running around with a backpack laughing. Well, because he also, by the way, in the gala scene,

The cruise director is like, who wants to see $17.5 million worth of jewels that are on this boat? Wait, why? We've got UB40 and an excessive amount of jewels. Yeah, it's a diamond fashion show. And I don't get it. They didn't have this on the big red boat. I mean, it's the only cruise I went on, but I didn't see any diamond jewelry show, man. And that's what Willem Defoe puts in this enormous backpack.

It's a real, like, hefty duty, L.L.B. You could fucking hike Everest in this thing. What I was getting at is when Tamer Morrison breaks one of his arms, because he wants to breaking both of his arms in this movie, which is kind of funny. With the line, I think I broke me other arm, slow clap for this screenplay. I mean, like the ending of this movie is, right, is, I mean, like, the boat's going towards the thing. They're trying to slow it down. They're trying to slow it by, like, wrapping stuff around the propeller. Yeah.

Sure. That's a scene with a whole bunch of outdated computer animal. And again, like, Willem Defoe has the jewels. He's disgraced this boat enough. He's like, oh, no, he's going to not crash the boat. That's going to ruin my plan. And it's like, just get on an... And he knows where the escape boat is, right?

Like it's a little jet ski thing that he's going to get on eventually. Just get on it now and just be done with it. But he keeps like getting these notifications. Like, oh, now. No, now this happened. Now they're making progress here and they're doing this. And even like... How do you get through that door?

Who cares? Oh, no, my leeches. Gotta go back for the boys. Nah! Oh, yeah, I got to catalog this erection. One of the funny scenes was when Jason Patrick finally gets to his, to Defoe's cabin and opens it up and it's just this tub of leeches floating around. And they just show us a tub of leeches. Sure.

It was the one legitimate laugh. I would have loved it, though, if we had to go back for the boys. The boys and the composition notebook he's been using as his boner catalog since late 87. It's got like a Zeppelin sticker on it. Well, no, I'm thinking, I mean, like, literally, you got to think about it. This would be like, you know, Kevin Spacey's notebooks in seven. There's just, there's thousands of them somewhere. Oh, right, yeah.

I got an erection on the bus today. That's it How is it also not a thing Where like Willem Defoe was like friends with Dennis Hopper Sure Why not? Because I guess like since Keanu isn't reprising his role

I don't know he was my father You killed my dad Yeah I mean sure The problem is he would go after Keanu Kianu is the one that killed That's true killed Dennis Hopper in that movie.

Sandy was just driving the bus. So Sandy gets kidnapped, right? Because he's like, oh, wow. I know. Jason Patrick. Whose name is Alex, by the way, which is not a very... It's not Jack. It's not like... It's not a commandant.

It's basically one of the most boring names you can have. You know, outside of Eric. So I'm not... I'm not... You know, I'm just worried about Alex's listening now. Yeah, that's fine. You should be concerned for all. of them. But he's like, oh, Alex likes you, lady.

That's why I'm going to keep you for extra insurance. And it's like, what are you just get on that fucking boat and leave. Like, kidnapping her guarantees that, like, Jason Patrick's going to go after him. Yeah. Like, nobody cares about these jewels. Nobody even knows about them. You barely care about these jewels, Willem Defoe. It's a total, like, oh, diamonds. Ah, okay. Sure. I got room in this huge backpack for some diamonds like that's here that's the thing like the great turn about die hard with a vengeance yeah

you think the jeremy irons is fucking with bruce willis to get revenge for his brother for dropping him off of nakatomi right and then like it's no that's just a thing to you know the cover for like stealing the gold yes that's cool like if somebody had fun holy Toledo better movie die hard with a vengeance better movie but like the boat there needs to be a line about like the captain says to like tamer morrison like by the way on you know this you know this outing we're also carrying a billion dollars or what like what anything sure because i got fucking fired from the cruise ship company and they didn't pay for my leach insurance like not a reason to be a villain in an action movie no

Getting fired is not a reason to be a villain in the natural movie. Yeah, that's the Alex of Motivation. That's fucking Michael Douglas and falling down. So Alex, Sandy goes one way. Alex is going another way, which is into St. Thomas or St. Martin. St. Mark. And this is the most expensive stunt in the movie, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, cool.

The boat just kind of goes into St. Martin's, and it takes forever. Like, there's like 12 different running gags of, people like, oh my God, these gags. These people deserve to die. There's a guy like, every last one of them. You could tell the day's been going on a while already. There's people mulling around the boardwalks and what. Now this dude walks up to his store window.

He's like, ha ha, it's open. Oh, is that a boat coming through town closed? Dude, all those gags. There's a woman, there's the gag with the woman on the pay phone who's like not even acting. Like, she doesn't physically say anything. It's all ADR. and she's just like, I need you to get to, whoa! And it's like, dude, you would see and hear this boat from yards out.

And then there's like some woman being shown in an apartment. And this is when we get our classic, which is our favorite gag in all movies, says, Mommy, there's just something outside. Oh, Jeremy, shut up. A Godzilla, a cruise ship, whatever you want to throw at this kid. And again, like, to your point, Andrew, like, they're just showing an apartment. You hear a fucking boat crash into St. Thomas or St. Martin's. everything's stopping.

And it's so stupid that it's the same gag like 12 times. And even before that, there's people like just swimming in the bay and they're like, oh no, it's the boat. Like, run. You know what? Just get out of the way. And this boat didn't just randomly turn off a cloaking device.

It's not a Klingon sea boat. It also 15 minutes prior to hit and ground smashed into an oil tanker and like rubbed up against it. everyone would hear that it's not that far away how no one thought of any of this

and also wouldn't it like scrape the ocean ocean or sea floor a little bit or whatever leading up to yes yeah oh most stop at first yeah or at least slow it down a little bit at least slow it down and you've got like this is you know like the boats coming in and this is the way you realize like it's slowing down you see like the little notometer and the Scottish guy's reading it and he's like 15 nuts and he's like you know shaking and everything she can't handle this pressure captain

but it's also like he's doing it for no one's benefit like no one else is in the room is like 12 nuts four nuts and it's like who are you talking to three nuts okay like he's shaking man it's crazy also this one tamar morrison breaks his other arm think i broke me other arm a good thing i got a clown got a butcher little organ toners Isn't that right, Boba, on a little organ farm? Lib donors. Also included in this, a fat guy carrying groceries. Perfect.

Who the anchor like falls onto his convertible and he has the line, my car, a dog who should be dead but somehow gets out alive. And the biggest who was asking for this of this movie is a reprisal of of the guy from the first movie with the sports car is down here and he's got this boat and he's like entertaining a lady and like it's like hey remember how much you like this guy and speed one well he's back but also

had no interaction with Sandra Bulk in the first movie so it can't even be a not you again it should be Alan Ruck yes why not he was probably a Alan Ruck's always available. But this guy, like, I'm supposed to be, like, hooting and hollering in the theater because expensive car guy from the first movie is back and becomes an integral part of the end of the film. Because he's helping Jason Patrick out.

Jason Patrick steals his sports boat. And he's like, oh, no, you got to give me a receipt for that because that didn't work out. Well, last time. And everyone was like, yep, yep, cray. Oh, my God, dude. And, like, Cedra Bullock is, like, smacking Willam Defoe around. Willam Defoe smacking Sandra Bullock around Oh, it's a real slap fight

And it's like, dude, let this woman go Just throw her off and speed away You've got your jewelry He gets out of, and then he gets on an airplane And she's still smack in him And he's like, well, you better come with me Like you need some kind of line of dialogue Well, he's given a bunch of one lineers like

Are you enjoying your vacation so far? What are you talking about? How do you like it on the high seas, Spider-Man? So on this plane, then they've start doing their Death Star run and Han Solo comes out of nowhere in a speedboat God damn fuck this movie

dude it is so long it is so long and there's so like what are we we don't need this no we don't need it so long story short Jason Patrick like is able to get onto the plane

it's like one of those sea planes you know and he just punches Willem Defoe in the face one time and like one of the float prop things for this plane falls off and they land back in the water and DeFoe takes off and then just crashes into this

it's a pretty good crash. It's a cool crash but it's like the heroes of the film have nothing to do with the villain's demise. The first movie is Keanu Reeves fucking props him up decapitated, I'm taller, awesome one-liner pretty cool. This movie, They're watching him from afar crash the plane. Because everyone's nice guys, including the villain, who's like, oh, everyone get out.

Have a nice vacation. I'm sorry. I apologize for doing this. I got fired for getting blood cancer. Take a leech on your way out. You know, here's a diamond. I don't need all these diamonds. I'm not going to live.

Give the boys a good home, huh? Buy him something nice with all these diamonds I'm giving you. I leave $17.4 million. to my leeches. The lawyer like can't figure out. He's like, who are the boys? Oh my God. So what? He's stuck on this

oil tanker. Yeah, he crashes the plane into like some sort of big antenna thing. Right. And then for some reason that just blows everything. You sort of see gas dripping. He's laughing his balls off. And then he blows up. And Jason Patrick can like, barely be bothered to look up

at it. He really can't. And then it's just like, we're back on this dude's boat and my God, does he finally pop the question? And I'm cheering in the theater. The line that I love is he goes, you better, you should do

the vacation plans from now on. Oh man, that's a joke in a fucking John Candy movie is what that is. And then like, it just like as if it's like a bad episode of Magnum P.I. The credits are just like directed by Yon de Bonn. It's like, wow, this is all just really terrible.

Am I the only got the stinger scene? No, with Tim Conway. I got it. Oh, where he's got the Infinity Stones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's annoying because it's like she's back taking this driver's test again. But also like, I should have mentioned this earlier, but why is she presented as such a terrible driver?

She was driving a fucking bus A great driver in the first movie It would be great if she had a line like I can only handle buses I can't get used to this pedestrian transportation Unless she keeps running into baby carriages Like oh I thought it was just cans

Oh God Jack told me it was just cans I thought cans went in those I killed 15 kids in Los Angeles I'm sorry Alex I'm going to jail Well also I mean that brings up a thought This vacation wouldn't even happen because after this wild goose chase that she puts the police on at the beginning of this movie. She's going to jail.

And then destroys police property. Like, I don't care that you're sleeping with someone on the suicide squad man. You're going to jail. Are you kidding me? You're certainly not leaving the country. No, absolutely not. I've seen a thousand episodes of Law & Order. And you're not getting your license.

Also, yeah, like, Tim Conway has a line at the beginning, like, you're never going to drive in this state or whatever. And it's like, here we are. And I'm just fucking chuckling. while I'm putting my jacket on in the theater. Oh, I bet there was some line in the first movie about, like, that's why I take the bus. Yeah. I can't drive, but.

Oh, maybe, yeah. She learns how in that, and she shouldn't be terrible. Well, did you get the gag, though, at the end? Like, so it's like, Tim Conway is like, oh, here we go again. And she's, like, trying to pull out into the traffic. She's, like, taking a left out of this parking lot. And she's, like, she's, like, waving at cars to stop or whatever. and then it cuts to black and you totally hear a car accident happen oh really are they dead at the end of this movie i don't know dude

that's the thing i guess save it for the sequel that never happened or was this scene actually from the start of the movie and they've been dead the whole time now that's a fan theory i can get behind yeah i think so it's just the last thing you hear before like bad fart rock comes on is like a car accident it's just all her subconscious firing like oh will alix ever marry me and then that's the last thing you hear before like bad fart rock comes on is like a car accident sound it's just all her subconscious firing like oh will alix ever marry me and then that's That's also why you get random shit that makes no sense, like leeches. Like leeches and chainsaws on cruise shit. Step by step. Bits of an old, bits of an old movie you saw once. Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah, no, they've been dead the whole time.

That whole, like, I mean, the craziest thing about this movie is seriously, like, when she gets kidnapped, her and Willem Defoe are out of this movie for like a solid 25 minutes. And it's just Jason Patrick manually trying to steer the boat. Like, they do the whole side swipe of the oil tanker. With Django Fet, like, watching. Well, he broke his arm and he broke his other arm. God, what a useless piece of shit. It's so fucking terrible. I mean, that's the movie.

Would anybody recommend it? Not at all. I would recommend a superior film called The Uninvited from 1988. it's a cruise movie wherein a cat a genetically engineered cat with a rat in its mouth that like kills people

uh huh takes over George Kennedy's cruise uh huh it's kind of worse than what I'm saying but kind of great I need to watch that it's a great movie yeah it's this I don't understand how this thing

kills people but it does it's probably something to do with that rat it does. Well, I would not recommend this movie either, and I will recommend a better movie as well. Oh, good. This one's called Speed. Yeah. If you haven't seen this for the first speed, classic action movie, man. Nice 90s thing. We're on, we're on cell phones in that movie. Not a lot of cell phone banter back and forth. No. Enough, though. Yeah, no. No, I mean, in this movie. Oh, oh, yeah. No, there's none. Yeah. I would not recommend this movie. I would recommend this movie. I would recommend And ghost ship.

Really? Over speed to cruise control? Sure. The Poseidon remake, I'd recommend that over this movie. Yeah, I'd recommend basically anything over this movie. You know what I'd recommend over this movie? Bride of the 13th Part 8, Jason Takesman.

I was kind of wish it. I was watching. That movie is a cool 90-something minutes. Sure. And honestly, Jason Patrick, Jason Voorhees. You know the winner. That's Speed 2 Cruise Control Directed by Yon DeBan

For more WHM check out WHM Podcast.com Or find us over at Sideshow Network. Dot TV. Like us on Facebook And follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast

Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate your time doing that. Now, next week's episode, the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on. with Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Day. That's a lot of fun.

A little counter programming, getting a little something different. Little family teen comedy. And honestly, that was a summertime classic in my house. Oh, yeah. We love movies. It just might be. Just might be. We owned this on VHS in the Juven household.

Of course you did. Yeah, I think it might have been a taped off HBO situation. Yeah, I don't know that we paid for it outright. So until next week with Don't Tell Mom, the babysitter. visitors dead i'm andrew jupin stephen say that eric cisco take it easy