We Hate Movies - S6 Ep257: Episode 257 - Wild Wild West

Episode Date: July 5, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang welcomes back friend of the show, Ben Worcester, to chat about the 1999 summer blockbuster disaster, Wild Wild West! What's with all the really bad green screened desert? Who thought Kevin Kline dressing as a woman multiple times would be funny? And isn't Kenneth 'Colonel Sanders' Branagh's plan a little too... Otisburg for your taste? PLUS: Was that Will Smith's genitalia in the first five minutes? Wild Wild West stars Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Salma Hayek, Kenneth Branagh, Ted Levine, and M. Emmet Walsh; directed by Barry Sonnenfeld.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And on today's program, the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on to the Old West. We're taking a train out West to talk about Wild Wild Wild West. I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska, Ben Worcester. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. This week, like I said, hashtag SBE 2016 rolls on. It is the Wic-Wikit Wawa West from 1999, directed by relatively terrible director, Barry Sondonfeld.

And in studio today, we have, of course, our good friend. You know him, you love him. He's from the Blamen on Outer Space podcast. Mr. Ben Wister, how are you, sir? Oh, I'm doing well. I'm happy to be out of the bunker, you know, reading some fresh air. Yeah, I don't like it when you get loose. Oh, it's just an every once in a while thing.

Yeah, you've got to take them for a walk once in a while. Stretch the limbs out a bit. So can I just say the first time I watched this movie was approximately two and a half hours ago. Oh, wow. Get out of town. I dodged it. I totally dodged it. That is insane.

Because you saw this in theaters. Oh, I saw this in the theater. Are we talking opening weekend? It might have been. It must have been. That's the only excuse. Well, I don't know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Here, here's a thing. You know, there was not much to do where I grew up. Sure. So, you know, you'd go to the mall and all you would ever do at the mall is go to the movie theater. So this was definitely either a Saturday or Sunday morning. You grew up in Feudal Japan? Yeah, I did. I did.

But I had the time portal lantern that took me to a fat kid mall in the 1990s, and I'd go see the movies. Visit the little.org for tickets. So, yeah, of course, this is the movie where Will Smith is a cowboy and Kevin Klein is a jackass. And together, they foil. He's a U.S. Marshal. I think you mean jack of all trades. Yes. A jackass of all trades.

Let's compromise. He's got gadgets and everything. Gadgets, do dads, gizmos, and a few what-nots. Kevin Klein's got it all in this movie. Are the what-nots his breasts? Oh, he's wearing a dress. You know what's fucking hilarious? A man in a dress.

What? Why is he? I mean, okay. Once is plenty. I get the theory of the theory of the, This being fucking hilarious. But what I don't understand is why... He already wore a dress in and out.

No, he didn't. But what he is wearing in this movie is white face paint that is so white, it looks like kabuki theater. Why is that part of the thing? And he's talking like, oh, hello, I'm a lady. Oh, man, it's embarrassing. He's a master of disguise. Like Dana Carvey Master of Disguise? Both are technically comedies, right?

Look, Dana Carvey. Yeah, you're right. They're both technically comedies. Good word choice there. Dana Carvey is more believable as a turtle than fucking Kevin Klein is as this woman, though. This is terrible. Can I start with an IMDB message board comment? Oh, yeah.

It's probably good to do. We usually read things at the end, but it's good to sort of start the episode off with this. Because this is, you know, the Wild Wild West, I guess, if you're in your 50s. It's a piece of Americana that you really appreciate. Well, it's based on the television program. Yeah, exactly. Like, it's something you grew up with. You knew who Jim West was.

You knew who Artemis Gordon was. I think it was like 1965, ran for about three seasons. Sure. I grew up in the, yeah, I'm 50 years old. Was anybody worth a damn starring in that show? I don't think so. Okay. I don't think anyone that, you know, was a huge, huge star.

Was it a sci-fi show? Um, there was no, what are you talking about? There's no, there was like four channels. I mean, like, were there elements of like, um, no, it was like, I, I, I, I, if my old man, man, met, old man memory serves. Come on, dust those cobwebs off. I think it was just the gadgets. I don't think there was any steampunk or sci-fi.

I think it was like James Bond in the old west. That sounds fun. It sounds fun in theory. So this comment starts with Bruce Willis is shaft. What? That's the subject heading. Okay. Why not after Jim West turning black in WWW? Oh, fucking kill yourself.

And John Wayne would have been great playing Reverend Martin Luther King. Now that I have a dream. I would see that. That's someday my children. I would see that. While Bob Mitchum would have starred as Little Richard and Richard Boone, you're older than I am, sir, because I don't know who that is. as Louis Armstrong.

And what about Tom Cruise playing Sammy Davis Jr.? Or Toby McGuire and Daniel Radcliffe in the different strokes, the movie? Dude, you idiot. No one's making a different strokes movie. Any other? And then that's like the end of his weird racist tirade.

What year was this from? This is from January 31st, 2016. Oh, fuck. Are you serious? Where this guy got out of the? got out of bed in the year of our Lord 2016 when we had eight years of an African-American president. Dude, this is, it's less than six months ago.

Wait, and you're just now getting to Wild Wild West? I watched it two hours ago. Did you write this? Any other examples of white actors, actresses, playing black people or characters? That's the thing about racist. They want to tie you, they want you to just, come on, let's join the conversation.

They want to be like, gotcha. Hey, I'm not racist. I'm just trying to talk about it, okay? He is right about one thing, though. Oh, uh-oh. This is a terrible movie. God, what a fucking piece of dog shit. Was that written by Donald Trump?

What was the username on me? Oh, that's a good question. I should shame him publicly. Do it. Oh, I don't know how to do it. Jeffie Davis. Oh, David Duke. I didn't know he wrote movie reviews.

I love it. I love David Duke's movie review. At David Duke, IMDB. He just puts his name on there. The IMDB welcomes our new correspondent, David Duke. Did you seriously not find it? No, I couldn't fight it. It's co-hosted David Duke and Lights Camera Jackson.

Oh, man. That little kid movie reviewer who blocked me on Twitter. Oh, man, that's one way to get the Iira of Eric Zizka. Because I made fun of him for going to a Trump rally. Yeah, that'll do it. Deservant. One thing about the IMDB page, though, because usually, especially for like bigger movies like this

that have a lot of money behind them, they get that like bump rating where it's like, this is not a 7.8 movie. Yeah, yeah. This has a 4.8 on IMD. That's tough, man. That says something. That smells about right.

Because it's usually a six to your point. If any movie has $100 million behind it, it's got a six for some reason. Well, because there's idiots out there who are like, this is the best thing ever, you know. Like, there's always that person who's like, Wild Wild West, 10 stars, wika, wika, 10 stars. So the weird thing is, yeah, obviously Jim West was not African American on the show. They got Will Smith because they wanted this movie to make money, and that's how you made money in the 90s. Oh, absolutely.

That's just what you did. And it's weird. Like, the way to do this, in my opinion, you know, you, it's weird that, you know, there would be an. African American Secret Service agent or whatever, unless you're going full on Django unchained. Well, because we're talking, this movie's in Louisiana 1869.

It's a tough year. So the blood is still wet from the Civil War. And you, the way to do that, I think, is to just kind of we're in a fantastical realm anyway. There's fucking giant spiders. Just ignore it. You know what I mean? Like maybe one or two comments here

and there and we just fucking ignore it and he's a person and we just just enjoy ourselves at the movies for two hours. Or, I mean, you just watch Wild Wild West and it sucks and you leave. You might not enjoy yourself at the movies. But this one, Kenneth Brana's getting into fucking deep territory, man. Oh, my God. He's getting into Candy Land.

He kind of is. I think what Tarantino did a pass on this one. Well, there's that. There's like a dude who's like a syllable away from using the N-word at Will Smith before he gets, like, kicked in the dick. Oh, wait, was that the movie reviewer? Oh, a character in the film. The actual movie.

The way they handle the race stuff is just, it's so clunky. Like, they, with, to Kenneth Branagh's point, like, trading the barbs with Jim West. You know, they're, like, rhyming, like, sing-song. It's like, oh, my God. Well, it's weird because, like, Kenneth Branagh is a paraplegic in this movie. He doesn't have legs. He's running around. We're not running around, actually.

In a wheelchair. Scooting around. You know what, Steve, he's literally not running around. But, you know, and Will Smith's like, oh, you don't have legs. Babadibobody joke. And then he's like, ha-ha, you're not a person. You know, it's like, oh, that's kind of less than fun for me. Yeah.

Not handled deftly, to say the least. So this is like all this stupid shit's like steampunk, right? Is that what we're dealing with here? Yeah. This is a great A steam punker. Yeah. Yeah. So it's that weird realm of like sub-sci-fi.

kind of like you're not like like fantasy wants nothing to do with you and like you're just in this weird area that it's just like of creeps that like Victorian stuff man those guys that like Victorian stuff huh I mean Steampunk is just kind of like the Flintstones to me like it doesn't make any sense you know it might as well be dinosaurs making pullies and et cetera et cetera instead it's just steam crap right like these steam punkers have like you know a little box with a bird and in it and it does their dishes. Well, you gotta clean your plates on the flying boat. They always have a flying boat. They love dirigible technology. They really wish that the Hindenburg crash hadn't happened. Oh, well, I do too.

Well, I mean, everybody wishes it hadn't happened because we'd be flying around in dirgibles. Well, yeah, wouldn't that be something? It was the latest craze in public transportation. But now look what happened. We take the subway like a bunch of louisables. Oh, you know what? I just remembered now, I think Final Fantasy 3

in video game. Okay. You just remembered. Airships. I just remembered. They have airships in that. Oh, yeah. Probably the best use of airships of all time.

I think Final Fantasy 7 has some airships. I feel like Separat's getting around on those. No, please, with the Separat. Actually, guys, the airship is a trope in Final Fantasy games that shows up in pretty much every one of them. Yeah, you know what, Ben, those are the tweets we're getting. But the, we did an episode on Street Fighter a couple weeks ago, Ben. You might not have known this.

We ate big bowls of shit on Twitter for our lack of fucking street fighter knowledge. Really? I didn't get a helping shove it in my mouth. Oh, it was just a lot of like, you don't know the difference between Turbo and Turbo HD2 and who could possibly care. Yeah, I'm a 33-year-old married man. in your defense the line of Street Fighter games that were released makes absolutely it's just

it's Street Fighter 2 times a million craziness and then they just jumped to four didn't they there was a three at some point wasn't there a 3D1 at some point Oh the Street Fighter EX See there you go What does that even mean?

What? I don't know Is there an airship in that? Hey you want to hear some interesting trivia about me That's not interesting at all I've never played a final fantasy game. Oh, you're missing out. I don't even know what's going on.

You can't now. You're too old. You don't have the patience. Too old to begin the training. I saw that spirits within movie in the theaters, though. Yeah. Yeah. Where Steve Bouchemey's voicing a dead puppet or whatever happens.

Don't you remember that movie came out? And it was like, is this the end of actors? I saw the movie. I was like, no, it's not the end of actors. That's what happened when Wild Wild West came out. They're like, is this the end of actors? Actually, if I had, and I wish this is, if I was a Yahoo News movie reviewer in 1999, do you know what would have been the headline of my movie review that would have been in a web page that you can't find?

No. A Confederacy of Dunces. Oh, boom! This guy reads. Yeah, yeah. Is that that book exist yet? Yes, it did. Oh, okay.

I don't know. What is it? Was it? Yeah. It's like Bible times. That fucker died before anybody cared about that book. People say he might not even written it. Oh, shit.

Or his mother even. Here's the thing that's weird. You remember like when this movie came out and it was like clearly geared towards kids? Like, I'm pretty sure Burger King was involved in some capacity. That's why I was at the theater. Said my fucking BK club meal. But here's the thing. This movie is filthy.

Yep. Five minutes in, you get Will Smith's stunt ball sack. I don't know. That's disgusting. And I don't know if it's a ball sack or if it's a full-on peen. Or is this Bushtown. Well, no. This is out of control Bushtown.

Oh, at 99, I don't know if anyone was trimming as much as you do now. All right. So let's set the stage here. It's 1869. Right. Oh, 69. And, uh, God. Ulysses S. Grant is president.

Yes. Will Smith is betting a lady inside. of a water tower. Yeah, he's about to come in this town's water supply, by the way. Thanks a bunch. The anima-aniacs are there. Oh, shit, the animaniacs? No, no, no. Well, yeah, they're

in the water tower and it's supposed to be like, it's like a hot tub. That's what it feels the way they're shooting it, but it's right. They're really just sitting in tepid water for the town that they're supposed to drink. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what that water is for, or is that like, we're going to put out a fire

water? I have no idea. It's probably a little of both. It's disgusting either way. But you know what? If like my saloon's going to burn down and you're going to shower it and come, let the fucking thing burn to the ground. Fire retarded. Yeah. See, if come could put out fires, you know, we'd all be wearing firemen's uniforms.

All right, so here's what I have Yeah, what? You know what, man, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. nice I have a screenshot of this thing because I had to rewind this to find out if it was a penis or a sack or what's going on

You mean we're all going to start looking at balls now So basically the thing tips over because all people are fucking with him or whatever he falls out He's naked and he starts fighting people And there's this really weird shot from behind his ass cheek Five minutes into the movie Yeah I got kids here Because he's about to thwart a robbery

What are we taught? I'm like, look at this. That is an abnormal appendage. I think maybe he's, I think, you know what? That's ball sack. Plus a blurry peen. Right, there's penis there. Also, look at the guy's face.

If that's, if that's Will Smith's cock, I'm disappointed. I have to say. No, clearly he's not doing nudity. So do you think, for Barry Sondon and Seldivolt? So this is a stuntman's dick? Yeah. Why wouldn't they just have him with? his cheeks out and then put a cup over it and like that's precisely the problem they why is there

even a stunt dick to begin with this is a kid's movie and it's not a knock against stunt dicks or dicks that do their own stuns hey we work hard thank you for your service good pun it's oh nice oh yeah work hard but it's just it's a weird thing to have a movie in a movie where there was also definitely fucking collector's cups of burger king that's all i'm saying did they have the dick on them I don't think so. It was a surprise cockshot, dude. I don't remember that in the Flintstone's movie that had plenty of collections. Oh, well, John Goodman gets up from the couch.

You don't remember that? Yeah. I mean, John Goodman did that dress that he's wearing in that movie. Yeah, but dabba dong! He's getting interviewed by Wayne Knight. Wayne Night Rock, and he keeps crossing and uncrossing his legs. Oh, right. Oh, man.

I've seen both of those. movies. Ninety's movies were filthy. They were. So, yeah, I don't know. I'm just putting that out there. I don't. I don't know. I think it might be,

maybe a little hair, a little sack, and then maybe like a little cloth hanging over it. There should not be any, anything there. Well, agree to disagree. Quick question.

Crop that out. What's more disgusting? What's more disgusting? Whatever's going on between Will Smith's legs or whatever's going on on Ted Levine's ear? Oh, man. Yeah, so he's, Ted Levine is in this.

movie is like Kenneth Branagh's like heavy. General Bloodbath McGrath. Oh, that's pretty cool. And this guy, this is one of the meanest customers you ever see. So mean. I think is, I think his horse is quick draw McGraw. Now is this another beloved character from this two... I don't think so. From this two-bit television show? I saw like two episodes of my life when I was a kid. Sure. I don't remember. I don't remember. you think it's weird when they pull out like these

nothing television shows to make movies that's what we were doing in the 90s man it was just like anything that ever existed let's make it up I mean they did it with Mission Impossible I think that was sort of the thinking was like Mission Impossible was a success let's do it with another TV show with Adam's family was that oh right yeah you're totally right

yeah how come there was no Trapper John MD movie I don't know what the hell that is Trapper John MD was a spin off a mash man oh great why isn't there a t j hooker movie but just oh just only shatner has to be still shatner it would be great he's 140 years old

you could here's what you could do you could do it right where he is like he's the chief of police yep okay and like his son j t hooker yeah j t hooker exactly right there's like another and oh and here's the tagline here we go this summer there's another hooker on the streets right and it's like fucking you know Ben Stiller or something like that no it's Channing Tatum dude oh yeah

dude maybe like kills a girl did they have to cover it up oh no oh wait that's what it is oh shit JT hooker oh he goes bad he no he's framed for the murder of the prostitute yep right so then TJ hooker right yeah he's got to get away from behind the desk and get back out on the streets and solve it to prove his son's

Innocence. Is that my son in there? Exactly right. I guess it would be grandson. Great grandson. Finally, Shatner gets his Oscar. Oh, yeah. This would be like his Rocky Creed movie.

Oh, right. But, you know, maybe you'd get nominated and not get it. Your life is out there. I'm back on the wall. Everyone else I know is gone. I'm going to read the newspaper in this cemetery. I got the cancer In my bones

Bones Bones This show is sponsored by Better Help You know my 20s While being a lot of fun A lot of the time Were pretty rough

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He's best friends with President Ulysses S. Grant. I mean, there's a fighting scene. Oh, right. Because these cowpokes are stealing items or something. They're stealing scientists. Right. They're stealing eggheads. I think that's kidnapping.

Yeah. Oh, that scientist, he was stolen in the night. Well, Steve's trying to be time period accurate where people are property. At least according to our villains. Yes. And our Constitution. Yes. That's right.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, founders intent, buddy. Yeah, so aren't they also stealing, like, nitroglycerin? Yeah, there's sometimes. of like bomb shit they call nitro? I don't know. They're stealing like components, you know, for whatever. You know what, Ben, for the bigger picture. Yes.

Right, yeah. The plot that is yet to come. Right. But basically after this cool fight, we get the DVD menu, this title sequence is a DVD menu. You're totally right. It's fucking sucks. It's so embarrassing.

It's a bunch of comic-looking panels and everybody, the character, and you get to see the character. which they kind of did in the 60s show. It goes on forever. They're trying to make it kind of like bond in this, I think. And you're right, Ben. It goes on way too long.

There's way too many like up front credits. It's like the actors, but like we're getting down to costume designers. It's like save it for the fucking end and just get to it. It's like a prestige picture for these people. Well, I guess, you know, because it's like a period piece, so like you got to care about all this stuff,

even though this movie looks fucking terrible. It looks like you look like you're at a theme park the entire time. There's no actual feature. feeling to it. Right. A big reason for that is because, oh, I wish it was Westworld. I know.

Well, because there's so much bad CGI in this movie. They're just supposed to be like walking in the desert in a couple of scenes. And it's clearly just green screen. Oh, the green screen in this movie is, it is bad. It's so bad. Every desert shot, it just, you can tell that they are on a set with zero chemistry, Kevin Klein and Will Smith. Oh, my God.

Not looking at each other. Like, figure out what has worked before. You know what worked just a few years prior? Will Smith and fucking Jeff Goldblum. Or a few years earlier, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. Let's just get the gang back together. I think that's part of the problem, too, or it's like, men in black was such a big hit. Yeah.

Like, let's just do men in black in the West again. Exactly. Same director even. Totally. That's a good point because the technology in this fucking movie, man, it's cowboys and aliens. It is. Totally. Cowboys are nonsense. My Yahoo reviews.

So Will Smith like goes to this saloon slash Bordello and there's a big fight. And this is where he and Kevin Klein meet. And everyone has to stop and look at how funny it is that a man might wear a dress at some point. Wouldn't that be just the funniest fucking thing in the universe? Look at the bosom on him. And if this is the one scene where it happens, whatever, that's your guy. gag congratulations here's a fucking check but like it's two-thirds of the movie but it's like you know a better way to infiltrate a gang is to infiltrate the gang right be a be be a bad cowboy exactly

i could be a bad cowboy mark he also has like a hypnotic belt or something oh my god right because he he tries to use the power of hypnosis on bloodbath mcgraf yeah did we get a first name on General, I guess He was born general And he makes him Like turns him into a dog Like he's barking like a dog He's like you're gonna do what I say

Just like a dog Yeah and I was getting I was getting there And so then like Ted Levine starts like fucking growling at this guy Oh but then he won't stop growling I wonder why Oh the hypnosis machine broke

Oh he's stuck as a dog Because that's like the gag in this movie too Maybe a dog for the rest of the movie. That would be pretty cool. Like Kevin Klein, his character is like this inventor, this Artemis, whatever. Orden. Oh, pardon. Jesus Christ.

Looks like we got some of the fans of the TV show in the room. We got someone who just listened to the Wild Wild West song a little too much. Bukabow. With Artemis from the start of this. Oh, oh. No way. It sucks. It's in there.

Yeah. What a tight rhyme. It fucking sucks, dude. Will Smith kind of sucks, right? Like, in general, like in everything. The song is better than the movie. I'm going to put that out there. Song's only two and a half minutes long.

There you go. Exactly right. I said it when you guys got to hear. The song in the end credits, Wicca Wicca, Wawa, West is the best part of this movie. The song is like stopping your toe. The movie's like getting your leg cut off. Or both in the case of Artemis.

Or gut shot, which happens 10 minutes into the movie. Yeah, the guy just gets shot in the gut This movie's abhorrent And it was like right in the middle of like All the innuendoes Why do you think there's two wilds? That's how wild this west is You're right, it's not just the Wild West

It's the Wild West, it's the Wild Wild West Is that describing? No. Wicca Wicca. Is that describing how crazy the Wild West is in this Or is it describing Jim West. Oh, I think it's a little bit of both. You know what I mean?

Little from Column A. They should have called it Wild, Wild West West. So you got both. That makes more sense. Yeah. Did you notice, speaking of the crude humor in this movie, there's like, so it's Kevin Klein dressed in drag, and it's like, Ted Levine's going to fuck him, and they're trying to find a room in the Bordello to do the deed.

And so Kevin Klein's, like, opening all these doors, and he opens one door, and he's like, oh, I've never seen that before, or something. like that close the door open door number two to a fucking goat sound we're making beastiality jokes in this movie oh my god that's great that is a wild wild wild wild time yeah and i've just got my kid here we just fucking went to the burger king kids club meeting and meeting oh they they had meetings they had secret meetings went down to the vfdwell hell yeah dude you brought a whopper and you brought your pride so at the whatever this scene

they're like oh let's work together or maybe not they go Jim West goes to the White House and meets the president who is also inexplicably played by Kevin Klein like it's the second time

he plays a president's doppelganger in a movie what do we think about Kevin Clay I kind of like him I do like him I mean Fish Called Wanda's a lot of fun oh sure great movie he's all right he's a guy

that's going to hit it out of the park, but you got to throw it just the right way. This is kind of like the last, this is like the end of Kevin Klein. Yeah. Like, what has he been in recently besides Last Vegas? Oh, yikes. Oh, Emperor's Club. What the hell was Last Vegas? Are you shitting me, bro?

No, I just legitimately asked you a question. What would happen if we get Morgan Freeman, Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro I think, right? Yeah, yeah. Kevin Klein. And they go to Vegas' old men. Right, right.

And answers, I have no idea. I'll tell you what he's fucking great on. And it's not like every episode, but it's recurring. He's Mr. Fishoder on Bob's Burgers. Yeah, he's really good on that. That's pretty fantastic. And get this. I think Jerry Orbach might be spinning in his grave.

He's in this live action beauty in the beast. movie playing Maurice, dude? Oh, no. Oh, Lumiere. Oh, right. Who's Maurice then? No, no, Lumier is... Jerry Orbach, right? Yes, who is now played by Ian McKellen. Right. And then I think Maurice is the clock.

Oh, the clock. Yeah, well, so he's in this Beauty and the Beast movie. That sounds terrifying. It does sound terrifying. Yeah, I don't know about that. Wow. So... I mean, it's back on track. It's very distracting that he's the president.

he's playing Ulysses as Grant and I mean like he's just talking gruff and like there's a gag that they look a lot like so that I guess Artemis Gordon impersonates the president anyway

well I think he's trying to show Will Smith the importance of the art of the disguise yeah yeah or something well they had to have rivalry in their first meeting too where it's like

yeah he wanted to get one over on him right and like you know the way that you want to call somebody out for something like this when you're dealing with the president is point a gun in their face like Will Smith holds a gun to the president's head and he's like

Who are you really? And then he shoots the ceiling. Yeah. He also drew a gun on a guy in the White House right before this too. I mean he's pulling guns out left and right. Will Smith would be dead. Well this is as we learn at the end of the movie though

dude the secret service hasn't been invented yet the president was just some dude. What did they do after Lincoln died? Well, whatever. They waited for two guys to stop a crazy supposedly dead Confederate soldier who was, you know, trying to take over

the world in a big giant spider. I'm sure Grant had some good men around that could be some bruisers. I mean, come on, the guy was leading the union. That's true. See the size of that beard? Man knows what he's doing. I kind of

wish this was a Ulysses S. Grant movie. Yeah. Of course. Wild Wild West starring Ulysses S. Grant. Yeah. I mean, every time he was on screen, I just wanted him to stick around. Will Ulysses S. Grant biopic starring Stone Cold Steve Austin? Oh, yeah. I'll go to your midnight movie. Yeah, and obviously vampires or whatever happens. Oh, sure. But he like meets like the president of France and fucking stuns him.

Yeah, man. He's like, now I'm going to go down. and reconstruct the south one stunner at a time start stunning vampires you know the creole vampires oh fuck yeah dude yeah right they're all like the south will rise again so will the sun

he gets down New Orleans right and like Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt are just hanging out he's fucking stunning that whole hotel that he's got this is the only real evil life What's the deal with interview with the vampire? Is that a good movie?

Not really. It's a fun one, though. You know, it's Neil Jordan. Yeah. It's always like halfway, okay? So what I love is, the way this mission starts out, is Ulysses S. Grant tells these two buffoons that someone has written him an angry letter, and they have to go investigate it. Can you imagine that now?

Like, oh, someone wrote me like a mean letter that said they were angry with me. Like, I'm sending out my top men to check it out. To be fair, he sent, they sent him a cake with tarantulas in it. Oh, I forgot about the cake. So there's a little bit of it. Which is awesome, though, because like this script is so terrible. And he's just like, yeah, I got this letter. It says he's very upset with me and blah, blah, blah.

He also sent me this cake. And it's, you look, it's a cake that's shaped like the White House or something. And tarantulas crawl all over it. shadowing. Oh, yeah. That's good script, right. Does anybody know the story behind the giant spider

in this movie? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a back story to it. You don't know this? Producer John Peters, who's also featured in the John Schnepp by a documentary

What Happened The Superman Lives movie. Oh, that's a good one. It's a great movie. I just wish that director put something on nicer than a T-shirt for most of the time

he's interviewing these people. This is also famously Kevin Smith's only good story. This guy wanted a giant spider in that Superman movie. And everyone's like, yeah, but that doesn't make sense. And he's like, and if you watch the movie, you'll see how crazy this guy is. He's like a former hairdresser and like totally overcompensating for what he feels as like a lack of masculinity, I guess. Like he's like trying to rassel people. He got into the business being the hairdresser to Barbara Streisand.

And then she started making him a producer on private. Like what the fuck qualifies this guy to be a movie producing? And then he just started like running the show in Hollywood in the 90s. And basically he wanted, he just demanded that there was going to be a giant spider in the Superman movie. That fell through and he's like, fuck it, wild, wild west. And that's, it's just in this movie now. I totally forgot that story from that. So like, conceivably that means the insanity of the steampunk nonsense didn't have to exist or didn't exist until John Peter said,

give me a fucking giant spider. Like there's totally a possibility that this movie would have just been James Bond in the old west and it could have been kind of cool but this, I mean,

the shadow and the stink of steampunk that's just rotten throughout this movie. Well, when you have to write backwards from a giant mechanical spider? Okay, what do we have so far?

Giant mechanical spider. All right, let's take a couple steps back. Let a pepper and some nonsense elsewhere. How about Bloodbath-McGrath? gets a phonograph ear Oh God That's steampunk

That sounds steampunk to me It's so disgusting He says it's like a civil war wound And this is how he can hear Hey bloodbath Change the record Hey how about another disgusting gory detail

His phonograph ear Bleeds Orange ooze for some reason It also plays Bika wikabobo Man Kill me now Oh God

Ted Lov just like turns over and fucking caramel pudding falls out of his ear and he's like or don't mind that this is a great big fat accident when did he turn into a gruff old man like it happened overnight i feel like whatever speaking of interview with the vampire whatever like cursy had to make that body that he has in silence of the lambs it like he turned into a pumpkin he turned into his father immediately like Ted Levine senior you yeah i don't know he's not that old on that monk program. Ted Theodore

Levine. Esquire. Oh no, my dad wants to send me to military school. I'm going to build a suit out of women's flesh. So whatever, they go out on this investigation to Utah to find this guy. Whatever. And we're going

around. We pick up Salmaheic at some point. Yeah, she's there. She's at, like, the party that it's not love laced it's loveless loveless yeah which is Kenneth Brana

who's basically playing Dracula he kind of is he's playing like Gary Oldman's Dracula with no legs plus I don't know racist oh super racist and he's got this like it's like a two

it's like a bi-level mustache he's got going on you know well you'll find that a fucking steampunk convention my friend you'll find all sorts of mustache wear I misspoke, by the way.

We're not going to Utah just yet. Speaking of interview with the vampire, we're going to Nalans first. Yes. Because that's where the party is. Yes. And they do. They're on this train.

It's kind of a super train. It's conducted by the great M. Emmett Walsh, who gave me the only legitimate laugh in this movie. But they're on this train. And by the way, the beginning of this movie, we see a gentleman get decapitated and we don't really know why.

Sure. This scene where somehow Kevin Klein has procured this man's head. and he's got it like stuck in this device in where they're doing the thing where it's like oh the back of your you know retinal display records the last thing you saw so maybe we'll see who murdered him or whatever and they turn this dude into like jackal lantern

it's so stupid and they project it on the screen and oh oh my it's it's blurry how do we fix it my favorite part in the movie it's blurry we need to we need to enhance the image and how do we do that We put spectacles on the guy's eyes. This isn't steampunk? This is Dahmerpunk, man.

Yes, that's what I want to take the nation by storm is Dahmerpunk. I firmly believe that the retinal nerve records the last thing the victim sees before it dies, and I've done several human jack-a-lantern experiments. They all always see my dick. That's the last thing they see. see. These human jackalander sure got some sharp images of my dick.

So if I text you a dick pick it's taken off a dead man's redness. Oh, he was murdered in prison long before dick picks. That's true. You had to send dick picks in the old fashion way in the mail. Well, maybe if Domber Punk, you know, like

a Domberpunk elsewhere story like where time travel or something. Oh, I like that idea. You get Jeff Dahmer in like Bill and Ted's Telephone booth. And this is Jeffrey Dahmer. Dude, what kind of history report is this? Come back here, Jeff.

Why are you heading towards the boys' locker room? Jeff? No, they would rightfully get the F they deserve for that rinky dink history report they give. F for bringing a notorious serial killer into this high school. I mean, Napoleon was kind of a serial killer, right? Yeah, that was a mistake. Yeah, that's more of a mass murder.

Yeah. So on this image that is projected from this dead man's retina. Yeah. Is Bloodbath McGrath with a giant invitation sticking out of his shirt pocket saying, come to New Orleans and go to the loveless party. It's like this thing where, like, it's his like resurrection because it's kind of murky and not really explained well, but he's presumed dead whatever accident that took his legs

right and I'm not just his legs the bottom half of his body his dick too his dick as well his reproductive old gear yeah he's doing fucking foghorn leghorn this whole movie well that's just the easiest way if you're

if you're uh you know a classically trained English actor try to just play some dipshit American just mimic foghorn leghorn you think Emma Thompson saw this movie no No, no.

Without question, no. And what Thompson has better things to do? Oh, did you see, did you see I made Wild Wild West? Yeah, I saw that you made it. I'll never see it. You see this Times crossword puzzle? It's not going to do itself.

I'll wait in the car while you attend this premiere. So we get to New Orleans. And it's a costume ball. Correct. This is also, before that, we had a nice scene on the train where Artemis Gordon or Kevin Klein is suggesting that Will Smith touches breasts. Right. Because he's going to go undercover again. They're tweaking breasts.

And now it's like Will Smith drained some of the buckwheat out of Kevin Klein's breast. This is a liquid. Because really, why would you have buckwheat in there? Right. Yeah. Groats? No. Water. That makes for a real brass.

How about goat's milk? Well, that's not going to keep. It's sour. You don't need it to keep. You could be a smelly dame. I feel like they unretired a three's company writer to write this bit, right? Like, they're like 60-year-old guy in Boca Raton. I believe I just looked at the writing credits for this movie. Yeah.

And the team behind Ghost Dad was involved. Oh, that's trouble. Ghost Dad required a team of people. Well, a writing team, two people that write scripts and often bad ones. Oh, yeah, I see. But, but, whoa, whoa, stop everything. Stop everything. Put the podcast down.

Oh, my God. The podcast has to be put down for a second. We just joked about something and I think we made it real. No, what? So, okay. So you were saying, you were talking about like this writing team. So I'm on the IMDB Tribune as I sometimes am because I'm, you know, trying to avoid getting my fucking ass chewed out on Twitter

about factual errors. So I was like, oh, while they're speaking, I'll quickly take a look at some of the people that worked on this screenplay, which fucking, by the way, four people, four people wrote this movie. That's a team. But so I just clicked on the first one.

S.S. Wilson. Mm-hmm. Okay. That's a ghost dead guy, right? S.S. Wilson's page comes up. Eighth president? Is it a Tess president? He's a tremors person.

Oh. He wrote the screen for batteries not included, short cut, short circuit two, tremors, ghosted, heart and souls, by the way, which we talked about recently. So then, yes, Wild Wild West. He's got all these character credits because he wrote the first tremors. Then, in the in-development section of this dude's fucking page, I'm not kidding you. Ghost mom? T.J. Hooker, the movie. What?

Not him. Not him. T.J. Hooker the movie. Details only on IMDB Pro, which I don't have. Oh, I think we should rally the fan base to have us write the T.J. Hooker. Although you meant all of us collectively be T.J. Hooker. Like, we said any shoulder shoulders and that trench coat. That too, maybe. Yeah, and I guess this is the writing partner, Brent Maddock.

Also, T.J. Hooker, the movie. That is insane. In development. That is, that, that hurts. I love T.J. Hooker. I do. This is getting weird. So yeah, sorry to derail us, but I just couldn't even believe it. That is insane.

Fresh off the IMDB Tribune. But so Kevin Klein wants to dress as a lady at this party, and Will Smith's like, don't do that. And then, like, there's a lot of stuff. They break up. They don't see who, he thinks he's dressed as a lady in this, in this party. Correct. And then, like, this is the beginning of the back and forth between, uh, Kenneth Brana who looks like

if a professional wrestler's gimmick was being Edgar Allan Poe and without legs and Will Smith they go back and forth you don't have legs you're a black person

and that's a really funny joke for no one and well it's awkward because Kevin Klein is like hey dress up as a butler yeah you know he's really throwing it

in Kevin Klein's face like I'm not going to dress up like this and Kevin Klein is like hey man you're about to go into this fucking party with a bunch of southern ex-confederate super racists. You know, you got to, this is the only way you're going to blend in. And he's like, no, I'm going to walk in like Will Smith with my fucking big cowboy hat on. Desperado.

And you don't mean mottoes. I think that's how it goes. Yeah, so I guess the idea is Arlis Loveless, by the way. Arlis is assembling this team. of ex-Confederates, you know, because they lost the war and... Yeah, it turned out they lost the war. Can you believe that? But he's also got a couple of dignitaries there.

He's got a dignitary from France, who's played, I believe, by Ian Abercrombie, Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld, with approximately negative three lines of dialogue. I was about to say a dignitary from the Upper West Side. And like there's a representative from Mexico, a representative from Spain. Which is like, are we at war with all these countries now? If you think about it, if they're all complicit in buying back the country, because what Arlis Lovelace wants to do is... Right, the grand plan.

Right, is to have the United States government surrendered to him, and he's going to sell off like the south to Spain, the southwest to Mexico. Oh, England's there because he states that England gets back the 13 colonies. Right. France gets the Louisiana purchase back. And there's a little place in like the, you know, the northwest part of the country for Lovelessland. Otisburg. I know.

It's a total Otisberg situation. This guy's quite the diplomat. But like we should be at war with all those countries now. Absolutely. That's a war that America can't win. So this is the end times of our nation. Well, you know what? America can't win it, but Lovelessland can.

Yeah. That's the problem. I think this plot is what happens if Donald Trump becomes president. Start selling it off back here. Oh, of course. Because he's a quote business man. You know, I wouldn't mind that. You know, make New York part of England.

Get some better health care. That's what I was thinking. We're going to build the spider and it'll be the best most golden spider you've ever seen. It's going to be perfect. The only way to stop the Muslims is the giant spider. Who knows what they know? The giant spider knows. That's who knows.

We just got to look into it. We don't even know where to start. Nobody knows what's going on. We got to ask some things. We've got to look a little deeper. We've got to look into stuff. We've got to do our research and build a giant spider. Got to be strong.

Got to be smart. You know what, though? At least a giant spider is like an idea. It's better than a wall, right? It is. If he was saying, you know, it might be actually a little intrigued if he was talking about giant border spider. It's fucking feasible to build a giant. Spider robot.

All right, now I'm imagining a giant spider with some barrel on its head and it's like some Gatling guns. Yeah, yeah. That's how you keep everybody out, man. That's how you do it. Not a wall, but with a giant spider. So he like faces off with Kenneth Branagh here and it's like, oh, I thought you were dead. You're not.

You're just in a wheelchair. Here's Selma Hayek for some reason. She's been tied to a sex bed. It's in nothing. We're introduced to her being pretty much tied to a sex bed. And her The character goes nowhere Spoiler alert

It goes absolutely nowhere There's absolutely zero reason For her to be in this movie Well there's one reason Uh huh Hey yo We'll get to it I guess Yeah because

Well they can do it now She's Coinslot Oh yeah We get to see a little butt cheeks Oh a little top ridge of the butt And it's just like this gag Where like she doesn't know

What like cover all pajamas are And her ass is like Cover all. Oh, Cousin, Oh, really. Geach gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger.

That'll always make me laugh. Totally. But, like, it's such a stupid thing because it's like, oh, here's this woman's ass crack. And then, like,

Kevin, my little kid's got a fucking Burger King's kid club in his hands. Yeah, we got the collector's cup, man, with the fucking Wopper Jr.

with cheese. And then, like, Smith are like, oh, could you just turn around for a second? I forget like what the setup is, but like they make her like turn around and they just do it again like over and over and like I think even

Kevin Kline's like oh what an ass tastrophe or some like stupid thing like it's one of those like he keeps like meaning to say one word but he just throws an ass and then Will Smith does it with breast and I am just chuckle

fucking ucking watching this movie. Yeah, so you see some a high X-S, and then a bunch of farts come out of these guys' mouths. Her whole thing is supposedly, and when we get to the end of the movie, it's infuriating. I love Mexican people. I love Salma-Hiaxas. But a giant spider might need to step on it. She says to Kevin Klein and Will Smith that she's looking for her father.

He's a scientist who's been kidnapped by Kenneth Brando. That gives her some reason to be in the movie, right? Yeah, that's a little motive. for the character. Yeah, I mean, like, they have this party. Oh, Will Smith is almost lynched for hitting on a white woman. We're back to the bosom subject. Physically hitting on her.

Yeah, that's true. Smacking her tits. I'm sorry, but it happens. Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. Because this is where, like, he doesn't know that Kevin Klein is not dressed up like a woman. So he sees this woman who's walking around, like, covering up her face. I mean, this isn't every which way but lose gag, right?

Oh, somebody's kissing me. It must be a woman. Oh, it's an enormous ape. At this party, Selma Hayek actually learns, oh, I overheard him saying he's going to Utah. And Kevin Klein's like, Utah, I know that my best friend, Ulysses S. Grant, is also going to Utah. And if he was, I'd think it'd sound a little like this.

God. I mean, this is Dave, right? We're watching Dave again. It's so just fucking Dave all over again. And you know what? That was a living nightmare the first time. Is it around this part that Lovelace decides to kill his partygoers, these Confederates? Oh, with his tank 360 machine gun thing?

Right, his war machine? Because this is, he's Loveless. Next time, baby. Is the hydra of the Confederacy. Right. Because his logo is the spider, like he's got a flag of a spider with the stars and bars as well. Yeah. So he's like a pro-suff.

It's kind of like redneck, what redneck Spider-Man would wear. If Spider-Man was based in Macon, Georgia instead of New York City, he would wear exactly that. And really into The Undertaker. Well, who isn't? That's a fair point. Yeah, I think Well, this is right after the party When that machine of destruction shows up

Oh, actually, I want to say one thing The funny lynching that happens So, oh, yeah, oh God Will Smith's about to get lynched literally And it's really funny for no one And really uncomfortable for everyone He's staring at the noose Yeah, and it's the shot

That's a pretty powerful image, Barry Sondonfeld You know what I mean? Like a little weighted Well, that's what I was going for to sort of balance the comedy of Wild Wild West with the danger of the Wild Wild West. Artemis Gordon's spring noose and it like bounces him around.

Why in the ever-loving shit would you invent a spring news? Because Kevin Klein went as like a quibcoff or a trapper or whatever. Oh right. And he just throws them the rope and tells him to hang him. But so like so you are

Artemis Gordon. You're in your workshop. a train that's being piloted by M. Emmett Walsh. And you're sitting there trying to think about ideas for your next big invention, right? You're like, oh, a noose, that's stretchy. Like a gag news? Is he also making like gag prop things? I mean, he does have, he does have a pool table that flips upside down. Yeah. We need the springloaded chairs. We definitely have to look into the patent of the whoopee cushion because it might be, it might belong to Art of this, Gordon. Oh, all the funny jokes, whoopee cushion, spring nooses.

Hey, hey, Barry Sondonfeld, racism still exists. It's not like 1999 was this golden post-racial era. Oh, look at the fun, kitschy time of 1869. You might say that, Steve, but we got about five funny little minutes of Will Smith trying to beg for his life. That's true. I was laughing. Trying to get his way out of it. When he's doing that, did you guys catch, like, when he's breaking down, he breaks down the term redneck, right?

And first you got red, the color of passion, you know, and strength. Strength. And then literally, like, he goes neck, neck. And he's, again, it's that shot of him staring at a noose. Yeah, yeah. And it goes nowhere, like, at least if you're going to do that, come up with something. A joke, maybe. And it's just, like, skin.

crawling. Was anybody else thinking of George Costanza trying to do that manure line on Marissa Tome? You got Ma, which is good. Anua, which is good. Oh my God. They could have used that. Anything.

So they go to, they got on this train to Utah. Now, Lovelace has killed the Confederates also as a show of force for the Europeans. Because this ain't your mama's Confederate uprising. Oh, that's, yeah, it's a spider confederacy, which is a totally different animal.

Exactly, exactly. It's a totally different animal. So, yeah, we're going to use. He kills Ted Levine kind of unceremoniously. Right. He slaughters his troops, right? Yeah, but Ted Levine is murdered separately. He shoots him in the stomach and has him thrown in the bay. Because he's, he's offended by the fact that Loveless is killing all these loyal sons of the South.

But Loveless is like, well, you lost the war. Right. I say, I say you lost the war, son. And that is unforgivable, sir. What is the bigger betrayal? You losing the war, or me just tested my machine out. Hey, Emma, you want to run lines with me? I ran lines with you when you did Howard's end.

No, that's all right. I got to stay in character for four months. Oh, Kenneth, do shave that beard. So that he just read lines with that. Looney Tunes He went to Great Adventure and did lines with the guy in the Bugs Bunny soon

Sir, my name is Carl I just work here I say Carl Let me talk to you So we're on this train It is a gadget train We see Salma Hayek's ass Which is great

Correct Fantastic The only reason she's in the movie Yep Why is he like building all these ejector seats into this train and whatnot. Oh, fun.

Just fun. Dangerous fun. In case M. M. M. at Walsh starts mouthing off too much. You know, you don't pay me, oh, no. Is this train the Air Force One of like the 1800s? That's a good point. Train Force One, man.

It becomes that at the end of the movie because Ulysses S. Grant steals it from them. And in the TV show, I believe the train is giving to them by the government. Oh, I see. Oh, so it's already tricked out, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, it's weird. I realize I don't understand

how the open rails work because, like, they get on this train and M.M. at Walsh is like, all right, boys, where do y'all want to go? And they're like, we want to go to New Orleans. And he's like, Nalins, got it. And they have their little adventure. And then they get back in the train. He's like, okay, boys.

to next and they're just like Utah and he's like Utah right away and like we're just going to Utah and I'm like overnight too. It's not like driving a fucking car like don't you have to like make plans to you know it takes time there's rails that you're gonna there's at least a lot of switching going on. Yeah like how do you do that then like they don't have radios

you could run into another train. Totally. Yeah. Like that Chris Pine movie. But that's when they're train extendo legs up. Oh, right, right, right. Lovelace's war train. Because we do get that later on in the movie.

And here's another, now, now, the real impossible railroad deal in this movie is at one point they found, ah, Lovelace's private track. It's like, what? He had a private railroad installed. How and when? Millions of dollars. It's covered with dust so that it's hidden, like it. Indiana Jones artifact

But it makes no sense Like who built it And how does no one know it exists Because that's a major thing It's just like you built a secret highway Exactly I mean this is kind of highway if you will Oh

This is around the time The movie stalls out to a dead fucking stop Oh when they get stuck in the desert Well because like Salma Hayek shows her ass And like you know a movie as Pacey problems when everyone goes to sleep everyone's just like

good night, Will Smith, good night and they go to bed. But then they wake up and then I guess like Arlis Loveless has his own secret train and it's attacking them and then there's this whole stupid scene and they wind up in the desert at the end of it like they get knocked down. It's even

it's so dumb because the the billiards balls have sleeping gas in them. Sure. And Salma Hyac just grabs one and gasses them. So they are thwarted by themselves boner jam yeah so then they're then they wake up in the desert with these things these magnets around their neck very similar to the guy in the first scene oh right right and um there's a weird cock joke where like he's like oh he's like oh i'm gonna say hello to samahyak later

then like wilson bit's like with what you mother fuck and he's like you think with all my crazy inventions i don't i didn't figure something out for my lower body and then they show this other thing that looks like a dick and it goes up and down. You mean a steampunk dildo? An enormous steampunk dildo. So what this dildo's actual intentions are is it's warming up these like sawblades that it's going to shoot out at our heroes here

who have magnets around their necks. So the idea is the sawblade and find them and cut their heads off just like the scientists at the start of the film. Right, our human jack-a-lantern. And this just makes me think, magnets, how do they work? Right? Find out July 16th that the little theater, if we sell it out, we're getting some juggalo makeup on.

We'll tell you how magnets work. I don't know how. Watching this movie, I thought I knew what magnets were until I saw this movie. Well, even Will Smith is a bit confused by magnets. They're like seeking missiles. Well, he says to Kevin Klein, he's like, how long do magic? magnets last and Kevin Klein's like, I don't know, like 400 years. Well, the funny thing is like, wouldn't you just, if you duck down, you're fine, man, like.

Well, no, because then they would like go down and, you know, presumably. Presumably. Well, we see this like Sawblade technology work at the beginning of the movie, man. We're told this thing's fucking like flipping all over the place. Like going, winding all over the forest and whatnot. He has the world's foremost scientists captured. I'm sure. He has a magnet special.

A magnetician, if you will? And he can do this, but he can't use a light bulb. You know, like, let's put this, let's put this energy towards, I don't know, electricity. Something. Get away from steam for a while. Yeah, let's think about something else other than it's. Steam is our past, our present, and our future. So they kind of like do this dumb thing where they like jump into a hole at the same time.

And it's like filled with gully. I believe. Oh. It's filled with what? Is it full of shit? It's full of red clay, I believe. Oh, I thought of the shit. And it's a bad, like, no, that's the movie.

Oh, wait, let's stop for a second. Steve, where do you think this shit came from? Were there a bunch of orcs underground shit up? I've never been to the desert, Eric. I don't know how the doobacks shit or where they shit. Oh, my God, Dubax are in this? Yeah. from loveless town

That's right Maybe there was some sort of like You know That's the sewer line Because exactly Spoiler alert He has a whole I say

I say I magnetize my shit Whenever I shit It goes towards your face Spoil alert I'm sorry Spoiler alert Oh he's got a He's got a big town

Yeah Kenneth He's built like a whole city in this like gulch. Right. That's what they say out west, right? It's a gulch. It's a gulch. You can't say a hole.

It's got to be a gulch. So there's a city there for some reason. And I mean, this whole movie, Will Smith and Kevin Klanner, just bickering. Like, you know what? At least the men in black got their shit together. And they're like, you know what, man? You're the old one. I'm the cool one.

Let's figure it out and go. But also, Steve, great point bringing up men in black because that chemistry allowed for like hilarious tete-a-tete you know kind of dialogue where we're like they're constantly one-up at one-upping each other and also in this movie by the way will smith almost always has the cool guy upper hand yes kevin klein's just getting dumped on the entire time he's either being made fun of for dressing like a woman uh he's got all his inventions that will smith keeps claiming you know do not work which they do they're just the world's foremost genius yeah yeah so he just gets dumped on this whole movie.

So they're in this fucking, you know, shithole, literally a shit hole. And it's some of the worst CGI in the movie where like two Will Smith and Kevin Klein cartoons like drop down and then like they make this terrible jump cut to the two actors just sitting in this stuff. It's like, you know, just put like a pad under it, fill it up with your fake shit and have them like jump into frame a little bit. It's so cheaply done. And we're talking like, oh yeah, this movie has.

had money on it like where would the money had to be going 180 million dollars most of that had to be to in 1999 oh my god it's like four billion bucks bison bucks they might have been financing this movie with bison bucks actually that makes total a shadow loo films production there was a uh i read the ebert review and he's he likened the special effects in this movie to watching money burn on scream. Oh, God. He was the best. I was a hat tip to you, Roche. So, what was it?

Three and a half stars? I believe he gave this one a single sheriff's star. Oh, really? Yeah, nice. The courage that thing. So John Peters gets to come because a giant spider

shows up in this movie. And it waddles around and everyone's like, oh my God, look at this giant spider, which doesn't look that bad, but doesn't look that good either. When it comes out of the gulch by the way there's this terrible again composite shot of the two actors

staring up at this thing and like the final leg comes out of the hole and like just crosses above their heads kind of a thing. Close call. Yeah and of course neither of these actors knew that that's how it was going to be drawn because neither

of them are like holy fuck that almost hit us. Kevin Klein's just like staring up at the soundstage ceiling as they animate this thing go like six inches over their heads like give me a break so much of that west is so cool so much of the the desert stuff is like i'm in delaware it's so poorly done this is when they get kidnapped three or four different times right like you know yeah yeah we're getting kidnapped oh well actually isn't this kind of around the time they try to stage a coup on the spider.

Yeah. And Will Smith is like potentially assassinated and we don't really know what's going on. Yeah, because basically Ulysses S. Grant gets kidnapped who talks like this. And Kevin Klein talks like this. So they're two different people. And then Frank Langella is pulling the strings. I forget. No, that's Dave.

I'm sorry. I always mix up Dave. You know what's a silly part in Dave, by the way? The end where Sigourney Weaver's like, okay, you can see him. And it's like the real president. in this, like, gigantic chamber thing. Yeah, that's where they kept Darth Vader. It's kind of the same thing.

I would love it if it was just this fucking sphere. And it's, like, just opening. And Kevin Klein's, like, putting a hairpiece on. Well, you know, American presidents terrorized the known galaxy as well, just like Mr. Vader did. But around this part is when we were... Ulysses S. Grant is that the connecting of the two railings. railroads from like the Pacific oh right that's what it is that's why he's out there and this like

perked my interest because now I know this shares this is like the cinema within the cinematic world of hell on wheels oh right you're your hero bohanan bohanan what bohanon's friends with ulysses scrant man oh i think he was there when this was going down dude do you think bohanan was like one of the first secret service agents that's how they should end that show that is how they should end this show let's see there's about six or seven up there's i think there's five episodes left of the series, so I'll let you know. Let me know if a giant spider shows up. I will. That'd be really cool.

Common riding a giant spider? Oh, common's long dead. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's too bad. I like common quite a bit. He, oh my God, what they did to his character, and his character was stupid to begin with. He turned into, like, he, like, thought he was, like, a bear.

What? Yeah, it's, like, insane. What in God's name are you guys talking about? Mohamed. I have to put him down like a dog, Ben. There's an AMC series that no one watches except for Eric, Common and Colmini called Hell on Wheels. Yeah, it's

me and the cast. That's the only you're going to watch. Common the rapper. Yes. Common the rapper. In a show about trains in the 1870s. I would like to think actually that this show was canceled years ago and Eric's just making up plots. Just like my brain has

continued the show Rubicon. after that first season. Ooh, I remember that show. Oh, yeah, I'm still having all sorts of adventures with James Badgedale and that secret spy unit. Oh, sure. Like a woolen. The good shit. I was a big fan of that show.

It was a good show. I was the only one. Welcome back to WHM on-screen low winter sun. We're talking about the third season. No, we're not. No one watched that one either. No, definitely. no one watched Lowell Winter's son.

Not even me. Bowhannon wasn't on there. No, Anson Munt? No, he was not. Isn't it Mount? I don't know. Yeah, I guess so. You're a huge fan of that show.

Apparently, you're a bigger fan. I just remember his name. He didn't know his name. Why? Because he was in Crossroads with Britney Spears. Stay tuned. Like a Wickewiko movie. Weak a Dan Aykroyd is Britney Spears' dad in that movie.

Oh, God, that's right. Oh, totally. I forgot about that. You don't it'll cheer you up after your high school graduation, some crystal skull vodka. That movie stinks. Speaking of stinks, wild, wild west. Whatever. I mean, Will Smith dresses like a lady at this point.

Oh, on the fly, Kevin Klein invents a flying machine. Oh, fuck you, right, brothers. Yeah, yeah, that's right. This is insane because it works. It works. And he builds it, like, again, like the Wiley Coyote. a day in 15 minutes.

It's so stupid because like earlier in the movie they're on the gadget train and he's like we need something to catch up with that giant spider and he's like oh well you know fucking 500 years ago or whatever Leonardo

Da Vinci invented a flying machine but he never got to finish it he's got these blueprints and Will Smith's like shut up we're going to take a horse or something like that and you're just like well that flying machine is definitely coming back at some point. But yeah, where is the weeks that it

will take this man to engineer this thing? No, he does it in 15 minutes. Uh-huh. Because Acme delivered the box to his trains. They immediately fly off a cliff and thankfully an anvil was not attached to the plane. I mean, yeah, well, this Utah desert looks so

loony tunes in this context. It does. Yeah, you're totally right. And what is Kevin Klein dub this air vessel? Because it's like, oh, what are you going to name it? You know, because the whole thing is like, like, oh, is you going to name it an airplane? Well, because the gag is like, he's, he invents these things that we have now, and he gives them like these ridiculously long convoluted names.

Velocity and heightener or whatever, yeah. Yeah. Well, he calls this one the Air Gordon. Which is topical because Michael Jordan retired about three years before this movie even came out. Right. And he's on everybody's lips. Yeah. And you can see, like, Will Smith. like in this thing like

giving this look like basketball it's such a dumb moment of this movie man Eric Gordon they should have made the plane do like a 360 like a dunk maneuver kind of a thing that would have been fun sure see that

what the hell it's wild wild west it might as well be fucking space jam might as well be space balls so we find ourselves on the spider we're fighting it's the final fight or whatever and Will Smith gets knocked down into like a crevasse of the spider and you know one of the more repeatable racist things that I could say on this show

that Kenneth Brana says is we're going to give that boy a whooping right oh sure we don't have a shed on board or something like it goes on for a while you know they don't have a shed on board Steve but you know what they somehow managed to stuff in the bowels of this fucking machine is like a monster cafeteria. It's an army of robot man out of nowhere. What the fuck?

It's Baraka. From Monta There's Baracka. There's a Kung Fu Hillbilly. There's the Terminator that's down there as well. There with a steel skull cap. These are all midnight movies I'd go to.

Kung Fu Hillbillies. Actually, yeah. Sign me up for Kung Fu Hillbillies. FYI, this was a reshoot, by the way. Are you serious? Because throughout this movie, This producer also had a huge boner for a monster party that he wanted to film. No, Lovelace is surrounded by like an army of femme fatals.

Right, just like Gaddafi. And one of them being, uh, uh, they all have like names specific to what they do. Unisha, who's played by the mother from the O.C. by the way, yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's right. Deep pull. Do you rewatching that one? I am actually in the middle of watching the O.C. everybody.

Yeah, that's right. We watch Wild West Here we come Wild West But they're fighting Apparently in the original movie It's Will Smith

Fighting these ladies And the audience is tested poorly I don't know I would like to see that They're like oh he's got a bunch of monsters You know like whatever There is a man who's walking and talking with a railroad spike through his head, man.

These are class A zombie. Oh, is that Phineas Gage? What? Google it. Are you talking about your common show again? No, no. Have you guys not heard of Phineas Gage? I've not.

This was an actual guy back in the day who had a railroad spike shot right through his head and I think out the other side. Or maybe it got stuck in there and he lived. Oh, wow. And he was just like, I mean, I think he was a little bit of lobotomized from it, but he lived.

Oh, what? Oh, look, yeah, Wikipedia, Phineas P. Gage, construction foreman. American Railroad Construction Foreman remembered for his improbable survival of an accident and which a large iron rod was driven completely through his head. Yeah, iTunes move us to education. We've done it.

That E now stands for education. It's not explicit. So whatever, he disbursed. With all these monsters. Well, I got to say the one dispatch of the monster, the Baraka guy, did I have a different cut of the movie or something? Because this line. Oh, it's the worst.

He says, what was it? It's no more Mr. Knife Guy after he kicks this guy off this thing. Yeah, we all had it. I got to say one thing, though. It's underused in this movie. He uses it on another henchman earlier in the film. A little bit of a foot blade going on, a boot blade? I always love a boot blade.

You like a boot blade? Yeah, any old time it shows up. I mean, and that's very James Bond right there. James Bond of the Old West, man. And that's what it should have been kept to. Boot blades are lower. How do you get lower than a boot blade? You figure it out.

I don't know. But like simple gadgetry. Right. Like a boot blade. Right. It's like saying boot blade. I love a boot blade. You click it.

You stab someone in the gut by kicking them. Now what, see, I would find the obnoxious part of a boot blade is like the retraction. Yeah. Yeah, that's going to take a while. You've got like tapping your toe to like. You got to do a Charlie Chaplin heel click. That is so much effort, though. Wait, a Charlie Chaplin heel click or an Adolf Hitler heel click.

Isn't it funny they had the same mustache? Oh, get out of here, Paul W. Reddit. That's a jack boot blade. So then he, Will Smith fights Kenneth Branagh because Kevin Klein is like out of the movie. He's dance fighting these women because he's. He, like, is refusing to hit these ladies. Oh, right. So, like, they're beating the shit out of him.

And he, like, just dance, dodges them until they all fall off of this contraption. Yeah, he gets jiggy with it. No, no, no, no, nah, nah, no. Wicwicket. Now, also, as what you want to see, right, when it's an actor playing two characters. Oh, fuck. Is those two characters should team up and fight somebody, right? So this should be Artemis Gordon and President Ulysses S. Grant.

Having sex. Yes, that's where I was going Having sex with each other I thought that would be interesting While this mechanical spider's going down One for the road You know Artemis

I don't want to die a virgin Says President Ulysses Come on That's probably true That's why they put him on the $50 bill Stroke my beard Like I like it So, yeah, we're fighting Kenneth Bran on now.

He's, like, got a little mini spider device because he's walking with these legs. Oh, God, right, because Will Smith taunts him about, you know, having wheels and not legs. And he's like, oh, I do declare. I'm a robot. Yeah, and then the robot legs came out, and he's like, you know, four is better than two and blah, blah, blah.

And he's about to, he's going to stomp his face. with his robot leg and Kenneth Kevin Klein you think he's going to shoot him in the fucking head and end the movie but he doesn't. He shoots him in like a hydraulic and that gives him like the upper hand. Yeah and it's really annoying because this whole movie is very

weird in Will Smith being like well guns are awesome. Why don't you have a gun? Don't you like shooting people to death and Kevin Klein's like I'm a scientist? He's a good guy with a gun right. He's a MacGyver. And so he finally thinks like you know I gave you this gun contraption, use it,

and he, like, shoots the hydraulic thing and whatnot. And now they're both hanging off a cliff, which is hanging off the spider thing. Will Smith is hanging off the back of Kenneth Brown's wheelchair. The spider is backed off into a cliff a little bit, too, right? You got your spider stuck. Well, this spider's going down, man. Yeah.

Almost. It's going to fall off this wheel. Like Kenneth Braun is like, oh, if I, you know, hit this ejector seat, we'll both die, but then that'll be great because I'm a huge racist and you know and Will Smith's like yeah whatever and he like hits the ejector seat killing Kenneth Brana and lives like

whatever he miraculously grabs a hold of like one of the robot man I think yeah I think one of the chained robot men that but not before they sneak in one more choice racist barb oh yeah he says I'll be a monkey's uncle

and everyone's asshole just goes ew doesn't he call him boy yeah I mean It's just forever on that. They say the B word a thousand times in this movie. I don't know. Goodbye.

Yeah, AOL screen keyword goodbye. Door shut. That'd be great if that was the end of this movie. You know, it might as well be. Whatever. So it's like we're getting like this, you know, Ulysses S. Grant's kind of giving us a round of applause. He starts the secret service because he's like, you know,

the president shouldn't be kidnapped by a madman. Or shot in the back of the fucking head in the theater. So how about a protection agency? But Selma Hayek shows, I was like, hi, I was in this movie the whole time. By the way, that guy that scientist twice said was my father, it was actually my husband. Goodbye movie.

Exactly. Last time you saw her butt crack. And then, oh, that guy is my, yeah. And then it's just like, I am sexually off the table. No one gets me, goodbye. That's what it is because it's like the movie doesn't want to like have her end up with either of them, even though the whole middle of the movie is them like drooling over her. And then she's like, well, at least you have each other.

And it's total sequel set up because Ulysses S. Grant's like, here's your next mission in this envelope where you don't get to see what it says. Why not not have If you're not going to do that Don't have your female protagonist Be a sexual object Yeah, the whole time That's her only role Yep

It's crazy And by the way I think that was her father Oh yeah She wanted to get away from those guys I don't know Oh he had a little Bye

He had a little salt and pepper Going on Dude what if she got together With M.M. At the end of this movie I sucks to be you boy Whoop Wooop While you were sleeping in the back of this train, I was winning a heart up in the conductor

seat. I was running a lot of game, the whole movie at him did you and see. There's some dumb-ass twist that M.M.M. M.M. Walsh's closest deals. Bye-bye. M. Emmett Walsh is apparently like a secret U.S. Marshal. Whatever movie.

The president, like, assigned to watch over them. Uh-huh. Yeah, who could care. And the sequel should be us using this giant spider, because we get right they drive that's like the big joke at the end they they don't have a horse or anything they're left out there the president

takes the train car yes and they have to walk away in well they have to have the spider walk away and they're driving it how about use that to attack Mexico now and then you know attack Europe

we'd have a lot less problems is all I'm saying that's my shitty Donald Trump but you get it that guy's a piece of shit of spiders protecting America. I mean, and that's it. They crawl off into the sunset eating spider cake.

Why won't Barack Obama say giant spider? I don't understand it. Him or Crooked Hillary won't say giant spider. Losers. I mean, they talk about it. They don't say it. They almost say giant spider, but they don't say giant spider.

Oh, man. What would be like, not, No, he would be, he would be, right, loveless. So before the racism, what would be like, like radical civil rights or something? Like, what would it be? Radical civil rights. I'll say, I'll say, Ulysses S. Grant won't say radical civil rights. I'll say, I'll say.

What a stupid movie, man. That's the end of it. Would anybody recommend it? No. We do get the Wickewildwile at the end of it, which is good. Best part of the movie. It's a really bad. song. Anytime you got to talk about

the villain of your movie and your song. Fan out about Vigo, the Master of Evil, trying to battle my boys. That's not legal. Ghostbusters, too. That's bad. See, that's bad. See, just everybody, that's bad. Sound truck to Easy Rider,

that's good. Singing about fucking loveless, that's bad. Yeah, this movie is trash. I don't get it, I know this is probably your favorite movie. I don't know. You never know.

Sometimes we get some people that are like, hey, I like the prequels. Or, you know, hey, I like mystery men. So I just assume people must love this movie. I mean, there might be. Ben Wister, are you one of these people? I mean, I remember seeing this movie. And I was a get shorty fan.

I liked men in black. Get Shorty and men and black. Adam's family. Good Barry Sondonfeld movies. I thought Barry Sondonfeld was a good director. director. Yeah, I liked this cameo and Bart and Fink

as a guy holding a telephone. Brilliant work. Brilliant work. But, uh, no. Wild Wild West. Wild Wild worst. Oh, nice. Yeah.

I've been saving that one the whole episode. Yeah. This was the first and last time I'll see this movie. Yeah. Like, I could not believe what I was watching with this movie. Could not believe it.

Couldn't I believe that they passed this off as a big tent pole summer movies? As family entertainment. That's also the big part of it. They sunk $180 million into this. How is that even possible? I don't know. I didn't look up the box office receipts, but I would be interested. It made $2.20.

Oh, did it really? It was considered a disappointment. It just made money, but then, like, thank God. To dovetail with your revelation in the middle of the episode, here. Oh, with T.J. Hook of the movie? Yeah. Just to remind Eric that that's happening. Just before... Disturbing. We did this. Literally, like,

earlier today on this record, there was an article on the internet published about how Will Smith hates this movie. Oh, really? Yeah, like, it just kind of came out. I don't know, he got interviewed somewhere. A little clickbaity, but it was weird that it just

happened to pop up, like, just now. That's how we work, man. He said something like he had, he wanted, He was obsessed with winning at the time. He wanted to be the biggest movie star. I didn't care about the quality of the things he was making, such as Wild Wild West. What's this excuse going to be for Suicide Squad, you think?

That he wanted to be the biggest movie star in the world, and he was just caring about winning. That's Wild Wild Wild West, directed by Barry Sondonfeld. For more we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at sideshownetwork.tv. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. And, of course, right into the mailbag.

We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Now, Ben Worcester, you are on a program called Blame It on Outerspace. Tell us a little bit about that. And where the folks at home can find it if they have not already. Well, that's true of Eric and myself. Well, what?

Well, no, yeah, yeah. Different versions of ourselves, I suppose. You might say characters. Right. And, you know, Long Thought Dead show, but it's back from the grave, like Jason Voorhees.

Yeah, that great Berenstein Bears episode? That's the latest episode. We defibrillated every month or so. You kind of shock it back into life. Yeah. Well, Ben, why don't you tell them about that latest episode? Well, it's a great episode.

It's about parallel worlds. Oh, okay. And we go into, we use the Berenstein Bears as, I mean, you guys have heard about this, right? Yeah, it's evident. Right? Exhibit A.

Am I derailing my own plug? Exhibit B. I like it. I actually, when I heard out about this like Berenstein, Berenstein theory, like, I was fascinated by it. It's, well, it's based off the Mandela theory. Yes.

Right? Which is, yeah, you can explain it. Yeah, basically that like... Can you? Well, we'll go into it. You know what? I won't. Oh, yeah.

Listen to the episode. Oh, good call. Leaving on ourspace.com. Or better yet, subscribe on iTunes. And you've got that weird guy calling you guys leaving voicemails, which is my favorite thing in the world. Oh, right, right. That is a great segment. Bios wrong numbers.

Looking for Don Providence. Character on the show. Ongo thing on the show is like we like, sort of like how we do a mailback. on We Hate Movies. We have a voicemail on Blamed on Outer Space, and you can call up and tell us a ghost story or something like that. But we get...

What's that number? Well, thank you for asking, Steve. That number is 718-593-4619. And then what's really funny is we've been getting a constant wrong number of people looking for a man named Don Providence. Wait, you're saying people as in more than one person's been doing this? Yeah, it was a couple of doctors

offices and then there was a there was a guy that was that was like called up looking for him and like he was talking to people like off off screen off phone it was like I don't know why he's not picking up his phone I don't know I'm calling him on his so if you want riveting content like that plus you know talk about stuff like the Berenstein bears Barronstein bears proving that there are alternate alternate dimensions we had a better work We had a Bear, Berenstein Bears expert on the latest episode. That guy loves the Berenstay Bears. He's got a bear cast.

I know he does. I feel like the only evidence I need for an alternate universe is that Hell on Wheels is getting a final season. Somehow the final season wasn't also the first season? Dude, man, want me to blow your mind, dude? Please. You know how, like, AMC split the seasons for like Breaking Bad and Mad Men? Right. It's happening for Hell on Wheels.

What? Yeah, we're finally Who has the time? Well, plenty of Americans. Uh-huh. And international watchers. And people in the other dimension. Yes.

Not so many numbers in this dimension, but the other dimension. It's me and lizard people. That's why BIOS is still on the air, actually. Oh, yeah, the reptilians. Tuning in. Through the roof in the other dimension. Oh, for sure. The next week on the program, the summer.

blockbuster extravaganza continues. We're getting into the dog days of summer, I feel. Oh, yeah. And we're talking lady in the water, so you're going to get a chance to dip into Paul Giamati's pool to cool off. Speaking of shit. Dicking and shit. I think I'd rather be in that water tower with most of it.

And it's taint. So next week, we've got M. Night Shyamalan's much-hated fairy tale. Until then, I'm Andrew. Andrew Jopin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. Ben Worcester. Take it easy.