We Hate Movies - S6 Ep258: Episode 258 - Lady in the Water

Episode Date: July 12, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang throws a pool party while they chat about the biggest letdown of 2006, M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water! How does a director totally waste such an amazing cast? Why are these apartment complex residents agreeing to help this crazy superintendent with this weirdo story? And what exactly are the contents of M. Night's character's possible hate manifesto he's writing? PLUS: Every sentence sounds better with the word "scrunt" jammed in it! Lady in the Water stars Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jeffrey Wright, Bob Balaban, Sarita Choudhury, Cindy Cheung, M. Night Shyamalan, Freddy Rodriguez, Bill Irwin, Mary Beth Hurt, and Jared Harris; directed by M. Night Shyamalan.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, that's right, we're getting to something we've promised for quite a long time. Everybody back in the pool, it's M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zadak. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. I thought it was Los Angeles, Siska. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network.

Thank you for tuning in to our fine program, as always. Now, this week, the summer blockbuster extravaganza goes for a swim. That's right. This is a blockbuster, man. Oh, sure. Yeah. M. Night Shyamalan's, the late. Lady in the Water, I guess just Lady in the Water, from the Grand Depressing Year of 2006.

Awful year. Good year if you like scrunts. Is that what they're called? They are scrunts and there's some narfs. There's a little bit of the Tartutic, not enough Tartu-Tick in my opinion. This movie needs about like three or four more Tartu-Ticks, I think, and then it would be on the right track. A couple of doobacks and Nerf herders. Is the Eagle just an eagle?

Did I miss that? Is it just like a tartutic, a blah, blah, blah, a fucking eagle? Are the tartutics, the monkey hedgehogs? Yeah, the monkey things. Oh, and then the eagle's just an eagle. Why is it like Eagleatrix or something? Eagle Atrix. What the fuck?

Is that like a Wachoski DVD? Well, I think Steve's point is that M. Night Shyamalan bothered to come up with so many stupid names for so many stupid things. The least he could do is come up with a name for this eagle. And, to be fair, maybe he did. But file this under who could possible. care. Filed a whole durn movie there. Now, man, this was

hard to follow. It was hard to follow. This is like the fifth time I've seen this movie. Now, for fans who have been around for a long time. Of Lady in the Water, fans of Lady in the Water? No, no, fans of We Hate Movies. Oh, okay, yeah, because I was saying those don't exist. Years and years and years ago,

we did a live commentary on this on the fine city of Philadelphia. And I believe that night, I swore, I would never watch this movie again. One of Andrew Juven's grand proclamations yet here I found myself at 1230 a.m. watching

this shit last night. I was so bummed to re-watch this movie even though like yeah like you said I either three or four years ago it was a little while ago now. It was enough ago that I guess I forgot my promise but I it was not enough ago that I could deal with this movie again. Yeah that's fair. Now here's a big question

did either of you see this in theaters? Oh no. Not in a million years. Actually I first time I saw it was like the day before we did the commentary on this. Oh is that right? Oh, good for you, because I totally saw this in theaters. I was kind of in I mean, like, I wasn't as down on the village as many people were

at the time. Yeah, I guess I wasn't either. I don't know. I was, I think I was a little down on it. But the movie is better, but I was still into, like, well, that was a bad one. You know, like, you know, you get one bad one.

Well, because that, I mean, I haven't rewatched it in a dog's age. I think since like the early days of DVD, but I remember liking... DVD. Yeah. You ever see those ads?

Oh yeah, where it's advertising like the new format. Digital video disc. But do you get your VHS tapes ready to get fucked. Because here comes digital video discs.

We're going to fuck your tapes to death. Oh, you like Goodfellas? How about you flip that shit? Because it's DVD. It looks about the same as your VHS tape, but now you can get it in fun aspect

ratios. Don't worry, casino, we're flipping you too. Schindler, that list was a little long. I say that as a person who owns that DVD and flipped it before.

Oh, man. You're flipping it, huh? I flipped it, dude. Yeah, I watched Schindler's list one night after work when I was working the night shift. Uh-huh. Got home at about nine the morning, put that on.

Yeah. And then it's noon. Then it's noon. That's the way you live your life. Were you considering killing yourself at any point in anything? Yeah. Well, in general, that was a tough time for me. So I was saying that's probably the last time I watched the sixth sense.

Unbreakable, I think, is a great movie. I think it's probably his best movie. I'm not one of those people that thinks that movie should have had a sequel. You'll get those weirdos out there. Like, oh, man, that's a franchise that could have happened. And compared to everything else he's done, I think he should have given that, you know. I was sort of on that Unbreakable sequel train a little bit.

It's not like there was much to lose. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. I mean, if he went and did signs and then it was like Unbreakable 2 instead of the village, okay. Okay, let's just, you know, let's go through it. Like, signs? What did you guys think of signs?

I think it's a good movie. I liked it. I think it's fun. I haven't seen it in a very long time. But it's one of the better, like, later, mid-late. Before he went super racist Mel Gibson's, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, that was right before you had to feel awkward watching a movie with Mel Gibson in it. You guys, you guys feel awkward?

You do have that terrifying point with the South American birth in, that aliens just like, eh. It's like, oh, fuck. That's like the scene that I was like, this is a pretty good movie. Does I ever tell you my story you've seen that movie? Hey, this is a pretty good movie. When we watched that movie as a group at the multiplex, I believe Chris Cabin was there, R-I-P. D.

Oh, excuse me, D. D is for when it's fake. Chris Cabin's turned into a DVD. Chris Cabin's fucking your VHS tapes to death. You're going to want to flip that, Cabin. It's a big one. We were watching signs, and right at that part where the alien runs past the alleyway. Yeah, yeah.

A massive brownout in New York State. happened. Oh shit. The theater lost power immediately in these giant floodlights turned on. And I'd never seen this happen before and I was like, this movie's getting good. And we were all like shit in our pants, man. And then the power was out

for like two days. Yeah. I have a similar thing when I was watching Castaway, the Tom Hanks movie, when the plane, the FedEx plane was going down and there was all these sirens in the plane and was like, oh my God, this is a big thing. The fire alarms started going off in the theater at the same time.

And I had the same thing, this movie's pretty good. And then they made us leave. That happened with me, the blade, the original blade. After it kills that fat, that fat vampire. It's just like there was, the, the siren went on. The lights went on. We were like, oh, and then it went off. And I thought, this movie's getting good.

You thought blood might come out of the ceiling. A blood rave on DVD. But then the village is not And I rewatched it It's probably an episode But it's not as bad as you think it is Because all of these movies Look great

This movie as well looks great Yeah How about that cameo? Is it good in that? Dude, he's playing a fucking dumb-ass Park Ranger in that movie Hi, I'm a park ranger Hi, I'm a writer now

I'm sorry for killing your wife, Bill Gibson Hi, I did that too Oh, right! That was the first of like, Are you kidding me, dude? And this one goes too much further. Because that's like a real important role in signs. Like the dude who killed is like,

I'm so sorry for what I did to you and yours. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bad person. I'm so sorry. Lemonade, please. Maybe you're just a featured extra buddy. Yeah. Well, because I love, the whole thing is like he's obsessed with Hitchcock

and he loved like how Hitchcock had. Oh, you know what Hitchcock had? fucking cameos, not these Not lines, not crucial characters in these movies, and this movie is no different. Well, Jimmy Stewart, I'm the woman you're obsessed

with. It's my terrible hitcher. Well, Carrie Grant, no, I'm just waiting for a bus. Oh, is that plane coming for you? Yeah, and in this movie, it's no different because he's like,

hi, I'm the savior of humanity. Like, you fucking arrogant dude, man. It's just, and this movie is so, like, you know, the village as stupid as that ending is, there's real tension throughout most of it. Oh, yeah. Pretty good performances. I think Adrian Brody is doing the best he can with a really bad role. I'll tell you what, dude, I have no memory of Adrian Brody being in that movie.

Isn't Joaquin Phoenix in that movie? He is as well, yes. And Bryce Dallas Howard's in that movie. And I think M. Night Shyamalan's in that movie. He is. Do you have a William Hurt in that movie? You do. He's the one who started the whole thing.

It's like Ham, Sigourney Weaver, maybe. Brendan Gleason's in it, too. No, not Sigourney Weaver, Brendan Gleason. I think you're thinking of Brendan Gleason. No, they're both. Who's that gorgeous actress that's an alien? Oh, Brendan Gleason? I got to rewatch the village.

That's some fucking twist. Get the fuck away from me! I love him. him yelling at those people in 28 days later. So good. That's it. Whenever I get eyedrops, I always think of that fucking crow blood going in his eyeball. What are the odds?

Brendan Gleason stars in Bad Day with Bad Luck. So, like, so this movie is... Oh, but then, wait a second. Sorry, but then after this is the happening, which is one of the dumbest movies. I would watch that movie five days a week. Whoa. As opposed to watching this. Let's do a podcast.

where every episode is a minute of the happening. Get listening. I would watch that as opposed to watch this movie again. The happening at least is stupid. What's happening? Welcome back to our podcast. Oh, yeah. The Happen right.

We Hate Movies Entertainment LLC. There it is. I have not seen it. Oh, dude. I don't know why. It's bad. I keep fucking falling for it, though, man. I saw that shit in theaters.

Really? The only reason I didn't see after Earth in theaters is because I didn't know he directed it until he did an episode on it. So let's finish up this filmography real quick. I think we just did. No, there's something. It's after Earth.

Last Airbender. Last Airbend did not see. That I saw in theaters. Hachimachi. My favorite line in any movie is Asif Manvi looking at somebody else. I'm not sure who else is in that movie. It looks like,

my condolences on your son, burning to death and a fire Yeah, it's nice It's a terrible movie That's a stay tuned as well Oh he also did this movie called I don't know

Have you guys heard about this? It's called The Sixth Sense Oh no he made another one last year Right A horror movie Oh the visit I did not see that No no Eric no one saw that

I heard some okay things Yeah there are people That will tell you that that's a good movie But I'll tell you what And after Earth was a previous episode Right A really a chilling empty movie movie theater.

Isn't that kind of creepy for the visit? That could be a trilogy right there. He also directed Praying with Anger in 1992 and Wide Awake in 1998. Nobody remembers his romantic comedies that he made before the six ends. But like, you know, I mean, it's still a D. Like if you're doing the average. Which one's still a D? His average film score overall.

Yeah, that's still a D. You get enough Fs in there, man. You get enough goose eggs you're in trouble for the semester. Yeah, just because. unbreakable and a six cents or a's like yeah you started out the semester's strong but you got a bad case of fucking senioritis amni shaman and the midterm counted for 20% of your grade and it was called the last airbender so this movie is um it's paul giamati cleaning a pool for two hours yes sorry it's you know you know what you want uh uh a a a miami style bungalow house in philadelphia

that you can enjoy one month out of the year. Well, you know, the thing is with the whole cleaning the pool thing, I think the problem with everything in this movie is that Paul Chi Amati isn't cleaning enough. Do your fucking job. You're the superintendent. Oh, oh, wait, there are vicious grass dogs called scrunts running through your fucking field. Why do you have a field?

Why is there all this tall grass? Cut the grass. Yeah, that's actually true. They wouldn't be able to hide in there if you mowed. every once in a while. The instant I see a scrunt, I'm getting out the mower. No, you know what I'm doing? I'm right in the landlord. Yeah, that's true. Well, he's the superintendent. He's supposed to be doing

this stuff, but he's a lazy piece of fucking shit. Well, Eric, his family was murdered when he went out for ice cream or whatever happens. Did he, like, hit him with a car? Oh, no, I'm such a bad driver. I keep hitting all of my protagonist's family with my car. That's like the most awkward part of this movie is Bryce Dallas Howard's like sitting half nude on his couch and she's

like, you went out to get something. You weren't home. Someone came into your house who didn't belong there. He murdered your wife and children. So you're going to help me get back in this pool or what? And he's just like stone-faced.

What is what does Shaman's cameo in the sixth sense? I haven't seen that in so long. I can't even tell you. It's small enough that I don't remember, which is a good cameo. Is he, I don't think he is, but I'm like, is he the guy that Bruce Wilson's wife was seeing after him? No, no. That's certainly a big enough role.

Yeah, I don't remember. I'm just thinking, what is a small pivotal role in that film? I know he's a doctor in Unbreakable. He might be a doctor in... I'm looking at up the IMD Tribune here to see maybe if he can be. He might be a doctor in the sixth hand. Who, like talking to Samuel L. Jackson? Yeah, he's a doctor.

He's like, your husband didn't have any bruises at all. Dr. Hill. Yeah, I think he's a doctor in both those movies. Yeah, he's a doctor in the Sixth Sense. And let's, hey guys, let's check out Unbreakable one minute at a time. So, yeah, I mean, it's an apartment building. And the thing is, this movie on paper has a great cast. It has an excellent cast on paper.

Every single person in this movie is wasting their time. Speaking of wasting time, M-night in Unbreakable plays Stadium Drug Dealer. Oh, I'm conflating that too. That's right. Yeah, he's a stadium drug dealer. Oh, now I do remember that part. Like Bruce Willis kind of like... Hey, get out of here. Yeah, oh, that's right. I remember that now. Hey, I could touch you and I could see like that you're a stadium drug dealer. And I'm the stadium police, so please leave.

Oh, I forgot. He's like a security guard in that movie. Right, right, right, right. That's cool. I'm glad we've straightened. that out. You're welcome. M. Night cameos. One minute at time, all the MNette cameos. Yeah, this is, this is an excellent cast of actors. You got Paul G. running up, and he's on fire at this

point. This is fucking, this is like 96 Jordan, the Paul Giamati run, right? This is like after Sideways. Because Sideways is like 04. I exploded on the scene, man. I can make it raided here. Tomahawk, Dunk. You know,

after Sideways, I was like, This guy is a revelation. He's the guy, right? I mean, especially to be quite honest, if you're a fat, sinophile guy, you're like, that's me, and you're, you root for him. Also, you put him next to Thomas Hayden Church, and suddenly he's looking amazing. Yeah. It's the Luke Longley of that analogy.

Oh, bravo. It is outright criminal, though, that Thomas Hayden Church walked away with an Academy Award nomination for that movie, and Giamati got the snub. did not go on to get a nomination until Cinderella Man, which he's also great in. He's great in that movie. But, yeah, excellent actor right there. Bob Balabin, usually a fairly entertaining comedian, side character.

I think he's great. I love Bob Balabin. I love Bob Balabin and Altered States when he's reeling about God and tearing down the whole fucking world. Oh, yeah, and he's like smoking weed the entire time in that movie. That's one of the most casual party scenes

you'll ever see in a movie. Bob Balabin's walk around with like a plate of joints I think he was isn't he a stoned up scientist in 2011 the year we come back or whatever the hell that's 2010 the year we make contact

I don't remember it's entirely possible that might have been M-night oh M-night was there too you think I'm selling drugs to all these scientists on the moon you know who's a surprise

of you know who's a small but pivotal role you know who is a surprise in this movie for me was Jared Harris. Yeah. Just showing up as one of those idiots and that obnoxious apart. With like two lines. You got

Jeffrey Wright, like just doing nothing in this movie. He's literally doing a crossword puzzle for most of his role. The great, what's his fate? M. Night Shyamalan? Oh, yeah, just fantastic. No. Fartso, the clown.

No, his name is... Which character are you thinking of? Let's start there. Okay. Right. All right. Let's do it. Minute by minute. Tell me. It's the guy that doesn't say much. He's in Rachel getting married. Oh, Bill Irwin, of course. Bill Irwin. Bill Irwin's a fantastic actor. Absolutely. And a fantastic clown, actually.

He is a fantastic clown. I've seen him do clowning before. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's great. His name is Fartso? That I made up. Yeah, I mean, Mary Beth Hertz in this movie. She's great. You've got, like, nothing but really good actors top to bottom. and M. Knight is just fucking holding on to the biggest role. And it's a bad movie no matter what. But like this fucking story, man.

Like here's the... Oh, you mean Bryce Dallas Howard, whose name is Story. Is that her name? Yeah. Oh, story. Don't O.D. on my couch, man. Oh, where's my black fucking medical book? I thought he was talking to the movie. Oh, it's flatlining.

Story don't die on me. Come on movie. Keep it together. Paul G. needs this. I need a hit. I need a fucking M-night hit. Ficked it up again, Giamati, you were fucking riding so high.

Went from Alexander Payne to M-night fucking Chamelon. You're four years late on Jamelon, Giamati. Four years too late. You saw the village. You knew it. You were getting into, you fucking idiot. Hey, Paul, you're due on and said in five minutes. Oh, thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, Kevin. Tell M. Knight, I'm having a blast working on this. Oh, good. He actually wants to run lines with you later because he's your main protagonist in this film. All right, I'll be there in a minute, Kevin. I'll be in the bathroom, cutting my throat in this trailer. So he's a, we're in Philadelphia, as per always in the M. Knight world. Did you read the thing on the Tribune about being in Philly, by the way? Because it's the M. Knight verse, right?

Yeah. He insisted on it being, like, close to Philly. And so where they decided to build this building Because by the way, they built this building And built this pool Because it doesn't make any sense To have a building with a pool in it This is like a, you know, a Palmeadow style building complex Yeah, I was singing, the first time I saw this movie

I was singing the theme song to Melrose Place in my head You know, but no, so he said, He demanded that the, the, they film no more than 45 minutes Outside the City And this fucker timed the drive, supposedly and it was 43 minutes and they set up the set there. Chalk that

up to who could possibly care. I mean, I think because he had a house nearby, right? Oh, do you think it's just a commute thing? It was from his own house. You wanted to get home, man. Man, that sucks. Yeah, it's pretty stupid. Pretty dumb way to make a movie there.

So we over with Paul Giamatti killing a bug and he and it's like it's an impossible bug you don't see. The weird thing about this The movie is... Could have been a scrum. He's, like, tormenting this family, by the way. He's like, now, I don't want to alarm you.

But this thing's the biggest fucking buck I've ever seen. Stand back, family! The weird thing about this movie is the race stuff. Like, there's white people... Go on. There's white people that are just white people. There's Paul, there's M. Night Chamelan and his sister who are just, you know, Indian Americans.

By the way, the woman playing the sister is the woman who plays Saul's wife on homeland. Oh, nice. Yep. Playing like a valley girl in this movie. But everyone else, like, there's an Asian family and this Hispanic family that are so ridiculously stereotypical. Yeah, you're right. The Asian is specifically very bad. This, like, Korean mother and her daughter, I think it is.

It's just like, holy shit. And you know that the actor just doesn't talk like this. It's like, you know what she does. You're just doing it. Like, it's funny. And also, like, question. Can we stop acting like this apartment building is terrible? Yeah, it's beautiful.

It looks pretty fucking nice. Oh, yeah, I love that this is supposed to be a dump, right? What a fucking shithole. Also, can we stop pretending that all these people talk to each other and know each other? That's the biggest offense of this movie. Well, it's also what this movie takes place in 1941 because I was like, oh, hello, Mr. Johnson. How are you? Oh, I'm fine, Miss Rosewood.

How are you? Hello, Mr. Heep. A way better movie, and everything would make me. more sense if it was set in the 1940s. Yeah, absolutely. And I would sort of buy this like bullshit fairy tale magical stuff. Right. If it were set

then. I don't know why, but having it set in like essentially 2006, like, I'm not buying it. We're too much of a jaded society. All these people... That's the point, Andrew. Hi. All these people that Giamati rounds up to participate

in this buffoonery, no way is that. this happening in 2006. He's getting 100% go fuck yourselves and the door slammed in his face. Yeah, my super is like, you want to come out and throw a party? No, but it's really about this magical

lady that's hanging out in my house. Yeah, okay, go home and jerk off, pal. I'm closing the door now. Well, actually, the beginning of this movie is the fucking stick figures. Oh. And the narration of this, like, eye movie shit that starts this movie?

It's supposed to be like cave paintings. I'm sure it is. And you know what? That's how far back it goes. I may be wrong here, but I do believe this narration and is none other than David Ogden Steers. Oh, nice. Yeah, getting a little work in.

Some post-mash work. I don't know. I'm always a sucker for a good David Ogden Steers thing. It's kind of like because William Hootkins is dead. So it's the closest I can come to Porkens now is David Ogden Steers. I think he died too. Is he dead? I'm pretty sure he's dead.

Oh, no. Now I'm even further. From Porkins. Further from Porkins, the Andrew Jupin story. Not far enough. Touche. But, yeah, it's this whole, it's this, this narration of like, before time immemorial there. And we're, and we're, like, there were ocean people.

And here's the thing. You tell me this shit once, that's all, at a certain point, M. Knight, you just got to let your movie stand. This movie is telling you what it is the entire time. Oh, sure. The entire thing is the explanation. And then it's over. I have no idea. Like, what did I fucking watch?

So why even have this overwrought beginning sequence where you're telling me the whole thing anyway? Right. The whole time I need to watch it. In an offensive Asian accent soon enough. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Now, yeah, I don't know. I was just about to try to make a point

to this, like, being worthwhile, this animation, but it's totally not. No. It's useless. Oh, this is what I was going to say. You know how you make this movie better, by the way? Paul Giamatti fucking goes into this. Blue World that I keep having to hear about.

Yeah, that's something. Why is this a bottle movie? We never leave this fucking apartment complex. The Blue World? Is that where the Gungans and the Binks hang out? What? Jajar Binks is what he's talking. Oh. Oh. Ah, geez, now I'm on Nabu.

Oh, how'd I get to Nabu? This ain't good. Well, he almost goes to Nabu in this movie. Isn't that pool for 22 minutes or however long he's holding his breath? Fan theory. Okay. Yours or someone else has developed on the internet? Oh, okay.

He dies or he goes crazy from this. And that's the explanation for everything. Oh, so he's got brain damage? That's what you're saying? Yeah. At the end of the movie, it just cuts to him. Now, everyone's still there. Bob Balban is still alive.

By the way, he dies in this somehow. He gets murdered by a scrunt. Pay attention. Yeah. Paul Giammati is sitting on like a lawn chair next to the pool, just drool coming out of his mouth, you know? He's like totally not there anymore. And this was all just like the gobbly

gook and his brain damaged head. So actually that kind of makes sense only because that's the only way all these tenants would come out and help him with this fucking scheme. Oh, of course, Mr. Heap, right this way, we are happy to help you. Oh, a narf. I know exactly what a narf is. Oh, here

comes his grunt. Oh, no, we just cried. And his name is Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland. What a fake fucking name. I'd be like, oh man, you know, that guy's hiding from something. Yeah, totally. That, oh, my God, maybe the mafia killed his family.

Oh, yes. I'm protection. Also, oh, man, you know, I'm almost like the punisher, but I became a superintendent instead. Yeah, I could kill people for a living, but I chose to clean pools and kill bugs. That's also another way you make this movie visually interesting is when Bryce Dallas Howard's like telling him that stuff, you flashback and see that shit happen. Oh, yeah.

Not just her saying shit. Like, I know the truth about your family. Flashback. Giamati coming home with a paper bag full of groceries. Dead kids everywhere. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Oh, no, the Federale's.

Come on, bucket of animal pornography. Let's get out of here. I told him I was going to make him a porn. Sold him a My Little Pony DVD. So we meet everybody. We meet them through Bob Ballabant, who's a movie critic, by the way. And you know what movie critics are a bunch of jerks.

Oh, what an asshole. Like, you know what? You don't get to do this because it turns out you directed the village, dude. Well, this is his response. This is the retaliation. I know. And you don't get to do that if you fucking wrote and directed and kind of starred in the village. And then in the middle of writing, directing, and starring the fucking lady in the water, or a lady in the water, or lady in the water. I believe it's just lady in the water.

Hey, lady in the water. Get out. That's a movie I want to watch. That's a good review, actually. That's like a Jean Shalett. Bob Balabend's just a jerk, you know, like whatever. And also, it's annoying. He does this, he's got this line where he's like, yeah, I'm, moved here from Los Angeles to write theater and film reviews for the local paper. Come on.

Please make up a newspaper if you must. Or if this is so, if you love Philadelphia so much, use a Philadelphia paper, which I don't know what it is. Maybe they tried and they were like, uh, no. We saw the village. No. Oh, no. Love six cents. Bye. Yeah, it's gonna be a no.

Hey, what are you thinking about Unbreakable? to call us that so yeah he goes around he's literally showing this dude to like all the characters oh fredi rodriguez from six cents or uh six feet under rather is in this he's also a good actor he's a good actor

um this is a useless character he's like only exercising one half of his body that's cute like a comic relief like it's a gag he's like oh i'm like a scientist i just want to see what's going on and he looks like a fucking small soldier in this movie. All right, men

fall out. God. That's probably an episode, right? It sure is. Oh, also for no reason whatsoever, but it's possibly due to him discovering the dead bodies of his entire family that Paul Giamatti has a stutter

in this movie. Oh, yeah. It's one of those like he's really like choking on air stutters. Uh-huh. It's only so that like when he's around her, it stops so he can say my stutter's gone and you're like well fucking fantastic let's get

into it he's like oh someone's hanging out in my fucking pool man hey lady get out of the pool there's all this sexy red hair that keeps getting left in the filter oh god I'm gonna make a person out of all this hair he has the pool

like this pool cleaner guy show up and the guy's just like giving him a lot of shit you're having parties out here you're level of me you're putting a bubble bath in this pool, having a little party. I don't get why this dude's complaining about bubble bath. Well, there's this weird It's like slimy. The water's

unreasonably slick, which is like, ew, what are you doing in that pool, dude? Yeah, I'm coming in it. I fucking run this building. I'll come in this pool. Look, it's fall, it's Philadelphia. No one's coming in here until

fucking July. I can come in this pool all I want. My fucking face. Family's dead. Don't tell me where I can. I can't come. The son clearly says my family was murdered. Swim at your own risk.

No fucking life card. You're doing great, G. Keep it going. Oh, my God. So, yeah, this dude's like, you gotta stop half of these parties. Like, I swear there's nobody in here and whatnot. Cut to that night.

He's, like, taking the garbage out or whatever task he's assigned. Why is there a garbage on every floor of this thing? Like a public garbage? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Oh, I don't know. Chalk it up to it being a bad movie. Sure. That actually doesn't make a lot of sense.

Like a massive building like that, maybe you've got to shoot situation. Yes, you've got to shoot. But you're all just having to walk to a garbage room, man. But Giumadi's just like working seven days a week to keep this shit hole clean. But he doesn't. And that's what drives me nuts. This guy can't be bothered to do his job.

We see it numerous times where people are like, He goes to one family's residence, and he's like, I guess I'll fix the toilet. And the dude is like in the bathroom, and the wife goes to the door. And he's just like, yeah, I had the plumber fix it earlier this week. Don't tell him, though. I don't want him to feel bad. Oh, everyone just feels bad for him all the time.

That's tough. And nobody knows about his murdered family. I mean, think how they'd be treating him then. It's that guy that jerks off of the pool all the time, right? Oh, yeah, let him pretend Fix the Toilet. Come on and see what's wrong with him, Mr. Heep. Is he calling the pool by his wife's name?

Oh, Lord. There's definitely one part, also speaking to him being lazy, is like when he encounters M. Knight and his sister in the laundry room or whatever, and he's like, hey, Mr. Heap, that light above my desk is still broken. And he's like, oh, I can fix it. that today he only does it because he's on his little mission for his little sexy girlfriend

Oh yeah so Because he's now looking for a writer Right? Is this what's happening now? He finds her and like She passes out or something Well no so he just he This is it's so stupid So she jumps in the pool

He's like hey get out of there And he stands and waits And she doesn't come up Because she can breathe underwater Right she's aquaman She's Aquaman So he's like Hey this is getting

dangerous and like he jumps in to save her can't find her he gets out of the pool and then like instantly slips and falls and hilariously another fan theory right here this is like when a rassler like hits the mat outside

of the ring and he's got to take a breather and he's really just rolling all over the place like this is what Giamani does and he rolls back into the pool and it's like no Giamati roll the other way he's just out of it and then she saves him he wakes up on his bed and there's

holy crap it's a beautiful woman in my house I must be dead and that maybe he is and this is what's happening right before he dies or she's like a dangerous bag lady and he's got the brain damage oh it's like the shining

and like she appears beautiful to him but really she's like a rotten bathtub corpse precisely well that's the weird thing though and I'm glad we're talking about it is like so this lady's just, you know, this junkie lady, we'll call her a junkie because what else would she be swimming in a pool

that's not her own? And a rowdy teen? This could be a case, a rowdy teen. No, she's in her 20. She's a junkie. So this junkie lady, right? It's swimming in your pool. You almost die. She saves you. She's in your house and you're like, hey, you got to get out of here. She's like, and she like speaks some junkie

nonsense. And you're like, all right. She's like, oh, I'm so scared to go out there. He's like, all right, all right. You can stay until you're not so scared. You know what's happening? Later that night, some big dude's coming to your house saying, you owe him $350. Yep. He didn't care what happened in that apartment. That's what's going on.

And I don't need that. I've been there and I don't need that. Whoa. That would again make this movie interesting. It would be something. It would be something. It would be a conflict that's not out of a made-up weird storybook. Yes, which is the ultimate problem with this movie.

So he's like, you can have. out for a little bit but then you got to go and this is it's a transition that needs to be explained a little bit sometimes you can just transition from scene to scene in the film and everybody follows along sure so bear with

me now there's like a high angle shot looking down Paul Giamatti's like looking at her sitting on his couch and he's like you're going to have to go and it like fades to black remember which cushion she's on Giamatti we cut we fade back in

and he is on the couch and she's like sleeping in his arms and it's like, hey, Giamatti, how'd you wind up like this? What bass is this? This is kind of first base. I'm bunting. Oh, yeah, he's bunting already.

He sure is, man. And he wakes up and he's like, how did this happen? And I'm like, you know, somebody knows how this happened, man. And, you know, is she naked or she's like almost naked? or something. She's got like a shirt on,

I believe. And that's it, I think. She wears his shirt, and the whole movie's like, story, story, I can't talk to you. You've got to cover up here, man. And he falls asleep. Yeah. And then he wakes up and she's hugging him like a koala bear. Well, that's, that's how the narfs found him. His

insipid loneliness had drawn them to the direst place in the world. Wow, you might so if you don't kill yourself when you should, a narf might come Oh, that's right. It's like you, you You were going to do it, and you chickened out. Now a narf's coming to help me out.

Now, Steve, explain to the folks at home what a narf is. A narf. Because I don't know. A narf is a... I mean, you'd call it a nymph, probably. And that's... All right. One of the...

Someone says a sea nymph, water fairies. So that's a nymphomaniac. No. That's a different nymph. Oh, that's too bad. So go on Steve, narf it up She's a muse essentially That's her role

But we also find out that she's not just a narf man She's the madam narf Now hold on a second So she's like running a cat house Yeah I think she's like Dolly Parton The Best Little Horhouse in Texas She's running the show Elliot Spitzer's client number nine

Is that what we're talking about? Well client nine was Elliot Spitzer right he's yeah he's that's what he said oh oh oh oh oh oh i thought you were saying elliot spitzer's client oh yeah well that i guess if no that's alex gibney's client that's correct yes um yeah so there's this this narth thing and she's supposed to be inspiring some now here's the thing this is so convoluted and stupid as you can hear at home we're getting confused trying to explain this to you that paul giamati has to have this explained to him by a 70 year old korean woman At numerous times

Numerous times That's my biggest problem And I wrote it in my notes Like tell me this thing in one sitting And stop bothering these people Exactly This woman just wants to get on with her life And you know what dude

Go on the fucking internet Dude like you know If this old lady knows it It's on the internet That's exactly right In 2006 Legally he can't go on the internet anymore Oh I have to stay 500 feet

From all computers That's why I live in the pool house no computers back here FBI Also conspicuously only one child in the building Yeah that's right I mean like whatever It's like a sad lonely person's apartment I guess or something

I don't know I thought it looked kind of cool Except for that shower stall That was pretty disgusting Yeah the thing is like he just lives in filth Kind of does So he she's like I'm too afraid of guys I was like, what the fuck you're afraid of? It's nice out there.

It's Philadelphia. It's beautiful. And there's a scrunt, which I know you're about to ask me, Eric, which is a grass wolf. Oh, that I do. That lays preternaturally flat and you can rise up and do other things. Much like Gumby. Oh, really? These things are built like a Gumby.

So the thing is like they're in that tall grass near his bungalow. Yeah. And they disappear into it and come out of it because he never fucking cuts it. But maybe if they got Gumbi power. Oh, they can go into a book? Yeah, there's like a book back there. There's just like a random book. They're hiding in the book.

Oh, dude. And then you just shred that book with the lawnmower. Yeah. You hit that book with the lawnmower and it's like, oh, oh, oh. That's how Gumpy actually killed the blockheads in the end. Quick, pokey. They're stuck in this book. Off to the wheat thresher.

Oh, you know what? just did it. That's the movie that Amn Knight could star and it's Gumby the movie. I'm going inside this book now, Pokey. Oh, wait. Oh, no, there are Scrunsen here. Let's go into

the village. Quick, let's skate away. His fucking one-foot skate slide thing? That was pretty cool. That was pretty cool. I wish I could slide like Bunky. What? Bunky.

He said ex-Bunkey the clown. Wait, Ted? Ted Bunky. Did you, like a serial killer, Gumbi? I like it. I like it a lot. He's going to all sorts of books, killing all the heroines. Oh, there you go.

Look out, Jane Eyre. Here he comes. He went into the history books and became Jack the Ripper. That didn't exist until Gumbie went back in time and murdered a bunch of people. Wow. Yeah. Mostly prostit. Mostly. Actually, yes, exclusively prostitutes.

They're called narfs. Right? Because there's a Madam Narf. Okay. But this is the, we're talking about my favorite part of this movie right now. That's possible? Because he carries her outside. He's like, all right, I'm going to throw you at the nearest bus stop. Let's go. And so he's, all right, here we go. Put your shoes on homeless shelter time. It's homeless shelter time. He's hauling this woman out of his house.

and she's like, pst, here comes a scrunt. And he's like, what did you call me? And then, like, this thing starts running at him. Oh, I like it. So Paul Giamatti lets out this scream that is just fantastic.

He is screaming a lot in this movie. And he's just, like, running, holding a grown woman running back into his house screaming. Wow. Science fiction. And, like, this is when he believes everything else. she says, as opposed to, like, I don't know, some fucking coyote got loose. I'm not going to believe that I saw a grass wolf, all right?

Yeah, and he's trying to explain it the next morning to this animal control guy. Who's got a delicious Philadelphia accent, by the way. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention. I know they kind of sound different down there. Yeah, it's a little, it's a fun accent. I can't really do it. But so this dude is just like, so it's like a dog, and he's like, no, its hair was matted down and clumpy.

Kind of like, this blade of grass, and I'm punching myself in the crotch. It was green, man. You didn't see it. It was fucking green. Is she, like, slipping him drugs all day, a little bit? He's being dosed. That's why he's waking up, like, how did I get here? See, and this is the problem, right?

And then at the end of the week, he's going to have a $1,200 bill, and that's going to be really expensive. And some huge dude is going to come beat the shit out of him. No, but, like, this is, this was the first M. Night Shyamon. movie to not have a big twist at the end of it and we're all waiting for this fucking twist which I think is one of the main reasons why this movie was such a letdown for people but like right in that twist

he fell and hit his head she's drugging him this whole thing's fake whatever the situation is like you are the guy who wants to make Twilight Zone ideas into movies you fucking Twilight Zone up this movie god damn it to be fair this was the point

of the movie was like I'm not do I'm not I'm not on one trick pony Andrew I can do whatever. You did it fucking four times before, you stupid ass. Andrew, it was meant to be stupid all along. Oh, that's the brilliant. I intentionally made a terrible, terrible movie. Speaking of bad line deliveries,

and Drew Barrymore in Donnie Darko, it's meant to be ironic. Oh, whoof. Yeah, that's a bad one. Uh-huh. I enjoy that movie to this day, but she stinks up the screen in that movie. Oh, and she yells fuck,

That's pretty funny. Seller Door. It's like she doesn't know where she is. Maybe that's a twist. Oh, that could be too, yeah. You know, who wins? Richard Kelly or M. Knight? I guess M. Nights made more movies that are actually pretty good.

I would say M. Knight, yeah, he's got a bigger house for sure. What was the last Richard Kelly movie? Is it the box? I just remember South. Oh, right, right. The box is pretty good. Yeah. They kicked him out of the Hollywood for that one. I don't know why.

Southland Tales. Yeah, they'll get you. It's terrible. And Chris Cabin loves it. On DVD. Bend over VHS collection. Here comes Southland Tales on DVD. What do.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta-da-pah. So, I don't know, like, this is what, so like after he sees the scrunt, he totally believes it. And she's like, and this is when he started getting spoon-fed this story. And it's like, yes. I'm here to inspire a writer. Well, who do I know as a writer? Oh, weird. There's like nine writers in this fucking hippie commune.

Everyone is a writer. Mary Beth Hurt wrote a book. She's, like, at this point, there's a butterfly, which becomes stupidly important later. And she wrote a book. The film critic is a writer. The film critic, of course, is the writer there. There's a much of it call it. Jeffrey Wright is a crossword puzzle enthusiast.

Also, by the way, here's something. Nobody works in this place. Nope. Yep. I don't know what's going on. I think everybody's living off disability. I don't know. I feel like, and here's something that bothers me.

The welfare state? Well, it should. No. The four dudes in this apartment. They call it a Polly family. Oh, I see. Jared Letto. They're fucking each other?

I don't know. Jared Leto and those other dudes. Oh, Jared Harris. Oh, Jared Harris. Oh, man. Yeah, no Jared Lett. 30 seconds to Mars was two doors down. And then three doors down was three doors down.

You could call me Superman scrunts. What are you doing? Three scrunt night? Anyway. It's been a hard scrunt night. And I've been working like a grass dog. Man, imagine if this movie was successful. It was spit rye all over the equipment.

No, I can't ever imagine that. Yeah, what fucking alternate hellscape are you living in? We were kind of walking around the biggest writer. There's M. Knight, who turns out to be the actual writer we're looking for. The guy, yeah. Because he's written like this sprawling hate manifest. That's, I mean, here's, yes, so let's just get into this. He is destined to write this book that this fucking narf woman tells him is going to

inspire and change the world all I'm thinking is yes it's some sort of weird manifesto it's also called the cookbook yep yikes brother yep yeah he's gonna inspire like a future Timothy McVehmack

exactly but it like needs to happen you guys say it's a Midwest orator that comes to power this is one way to make this movie better is that they never say what the books about what this guy's like And also, M. Knight's terrible, but he's like, all of my ideas are about how to change the world for the better. And it's like, it never tells you. Like, is it socialism? Is it fascism? Is it communism? Like, what are we talking about here?

But it's very much in that ballpark because it's like on the conflicts and culture and politicians and yikes, buddy. Yeah, exactly. Well, he definitely has another line where he's like, you know, when people read this, a lot of people are going to be. upset with what I have to say and I'm like dude what hate speech are you peddling this the Turner Diaries all over again exactly dude put a bunch of fucking fertilizer in the back of your pickup truck this guy here's the question is this guy gonna go to jail like Dinesh D'Souza speaking of hate speech that guy is a hateful monster oh absolutely see his new movie Hillary's America is that it real oh dude look up the trailer for Hillary's America. I will tell you

one thing, one thing alone from this trailer. Flaming horse bursting out of a painting. Well, I know what I'm doing this weekend. I don't know if it's out yet, but the trailer is definitely out. Steve, get in line. Well, no, I'm going to light a horse on fire.

That's what I was getting at. You know, you'd get more out of that experience than seeing any of his fucking awful movies. I never saw Obama's America 2016. I know. I know. Have you? No, I saw the other one Lies My Father Told Me.

Oh, how was, wait. He did two Obama movies? I think he did, or maybe that's another one of those. That's probably, like, a knockoff. Oh, man, after the Dinesh D'Souza craze. Dude, you, you essentially watched a sub-Deneh D'Souza movie. I did. But, so that was like walking into the brain of Donald Trump, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay. Like, he might be a moose lamb. That's the whole thing. Yep. Oh, Christ. Or his dad was like communist and stuff and like he's a Manchurian such and such and all that good good stuff. You know what?

Let's just do full communism, guys. We've tried everything else. Yeah, let's do it. That's, I mean, that's what I think our friend, what's his name? I don't even know. M. Knight is, is, that's, but if it's that, if it's anything that I know what this movie is and like, then this actually has a context. Right. Or, you know, honestly, Paul J.M.I. should just kill him.

Oh man I'll do him a favor Oh man it's like the fucking dead zone It becomes the dead zone The ice is gonna break Maybe the narf is here To warn against this guy Or maybe we shouldn't trust this goddamn narf

That's the twist of the movie The wolf is the good guys They're the good guys That's exactly right And I'll tell you here's the scene I'm envisioning right now Paul Giamati goes to M Knight's apartment

His name is Vic Ron by the way He goes to the apartment. He's like, oh, hey, Vic, how's the writing going? Vic? Vic. And, like, Eo, he's not home or whatever, right? And he's like, well, let's take a sneak peek at the future of society here. And he starts

reading some of it. The Jews. The Jew uses the black as muscle. It's the O'Brien. It's the O'Brien incident from Seinfeld. Exactly. And he's like, oh, no. Or maybe he walks in and it's like a black mass. Like, it's like

The book was actually the occult stuff. Oh, nice. And he's like, he's bringing about hell on earth. And that's why a supernatural narf would be at his door. And a scrunt, you know, maybe you get David Ogden's tears back, and the scrunt turns into good old days. Oh. DOS, as I like to call him, DOS.

Right, like a puff of smoke? Yeah. I was told he's here to stop it. Yeah. You screamed at me outside your pool earlier. That was my people's way of saying, hello, you culturally insulted us. By the way, are you jerking off in there? That's really weird and unsanitary.

So none of that happens, unfortunately. And then, like, basically, like, it's one thing that, you know, fucking Paul Giamatti saw this grunt. And he goes up to Vic and he's like, you know, this lady that's living in my apartment now? She says, you're Jesus Christ or whatever. You want to come meet her? Well, actually, he like dupes M-night to come down. Yeah. It's something about like work order, like paperwork stuff.

And he comes down and he's like, oh, my sister swears that she gave it to you. Oh, no, you gave that inflection. I'm going to have to ask you to take that line again. Oh, my sister swears that she gave it to you. That's right. That's right. Nailed it.

Let's print it. And then Paul Giumati's like, oh, it's right here. By the way, did you meet my pretty friend? And then like... You want to see the woman that's flopping in my house, man? Dude, and Shaman is... This is, like, kind of the only good acting he's ever done because he's looking around and he's like,

what did I step in right now? Yeah, exactly. Hey, we're going to put on a movie. Why don't you hang out? I'm going to fire up some grass wolves. To Momatambien. Perfect. You're going to be seeing fucking some...

You're going to see some grass monkeys tonight, my friend. That funky monkey! I was a bit of a grass wolf in college. So I'll give it a try. By the way, when he's introduced to Bryce Dallas Howard, the sisters like, oh, God, this is terrible, right? The sisters all like, yeah, he's a player. Oh, it's the worst. She's like, oh, he's a player.

And I'm like, oh, shudder. Oh, Shudder. Welcome to Shutter Island, man. Man, that's a movie I hate, and it's way better than this movie. Oh, really? I remember kind of enjoying it. it. I got to rewatch it, though. I didn't care for that 35-minute parlor

scene at the end of that film. This movie could have used a couple parlors' seats. This movie's an entire parlor scene. That's true. Explaining left and right what's going on. He's instantly on board. At some point like Bryce Dallas Howard gets beat up by this fucking scrunt.

They're in like a hallway and the scrunt breaks through the window in slow motion. Slow motion. And I'll tell you what, that's slow-mode 2006 Like, CGI doesn't hold up a lick on DVD. It does not. Bend over VCR.

Here comes DVD. The now and forever final home entertainment system. DVD is now available. Gotta catch them all. But she gets scratched on her legs. Like she just brought a cat into her house. And like she's dead. And like, he's like, hey man.

Hey, Vic, I got to let this list. lady hang out in your bathtub for a while? And I'm like, no, Mr. Heap. No. He fucking goes to the... What's in his bathtub? Yeah, exactly. You don't want to know, man.

I got three other ones in there. They're all lined up. I'm full up and pretty ladies. This is the mad of narf. I have a bunch of other knives in there. You treat her with respect. It's not my fault that everyone in this building. So gosh, darn.

He goes there, and then like, this is where, sorry, one of the worst lines in this movie occurs, because he goes up to the Korean chicken, he's like, hey, ask your mom, what happens when a narf get scratched? But the stupid part of that is, like, the idea is there, it's an old Korean, like, bedtime story that, like, hasn't passed on generation to generation. an oral history, if you will. That's not how oral history is... You can't just go in and be like, hey, what happens if someone hits James Bond in the head? Like, it doesn't make... If it's not in the story, then it's not in the story.

Like, but every eventuality happens to be in the story. Exactly. It's like she's like a living Wikipedia page for this shit. Oh, well, actually, if you get... Oh, Narf's always happened to have medicine that's in the fucking pool that you happen to be in. There's always a fat guy ready to jump in a pool. And James Bond then orders his martini's stirred and not shake it.

Oh, right. You have to hit him again, and he goes back to shaking that's straight. That's correct. He actually says, my name is James, James Bond. So she's like, oh, there's like medicine that's always around. It's usually where that you find them. She's like, in the fucking pool. And this is when he turns into a Navy seal.

And he goes underwater for like 20 minutes. He finds some door in the pool. This is like a creepy fucking. hobo cavern inside a pool. Yeah. He's like a hider in a pool. Dude, it's like

like area. As the Madame NAR. Yeah, we've got a movie. Yes, make her just a NARC. Wait, NARF. Yeah. And then Gary Busey can be the madam. Oh, yeah. Hey, Mr. Heap.

I'm the Madam Narf. Surprise. I'm hiding in your pool. Pull up a seashell and have a seat. We got a lot to discuss. Yeah, I've been coming in your pool. So what? That's all the race these days, isn't it right to your body?

Squatters rats, Mr. Heap. I live in this pool. It's my pool now. Can I call you Cleveland? He uncovers this door, and it's like fucking Ariel's collection from the Little Mermit. There's no, Ariel's collection. Bottles and fucking forks. So many forks.

And, like, shit that she's just stealing from people. at the pool and he finds some fucking geode and like he almost dies and then like he finds a glass where he breathes water and I mean like this guy's just a fucking pool man not even

he is a emotionally damaged former doctor that is the superintendent of this massive apartment company was a doctor yeah you find that out a little bit later in the film so he got disbarred or wait is that's not how that works that's a law man I don't know

if he lost his medical license, but it's insinuated that he couldn't be a doctor anymore because his family was butchered. They're like, oh, why are you hiding here? Because apparently he was a genius doctor. Hold the phone. I was Philadelphia's best brain surgeon. He was operating

on his own family, wasn't he? Oh, no, they've been murdered. I could put it back together. He's like a Frankenstein monster. Maybe. Maybe. A Frankenstein doctor. I call them a Dr. Frankenstein.

Let me hit you in the head. You say that right. It is ridiculous, though. He becomes this, like, competitive deep water diver. I mean, try, watch. Put this scene on in this movie. Don't watch the movie at all. But put this scene on and just try to hold your breath as long as Giamati does.

You know, that Michael Phelps is a bit of a grass wolf. I mean, actually, you want to make a super cut. You take the Mario 64. underwater theme superimposed that because it's kind of like you got a little fat guy right around the water

dude you're at the two pieces of the red pie man you're running out of air that's fucking oh no man no man no one drowns cuter than Mario in that game

that was always creepy oh yeah Bowser was always laughing well I guess Bowser's been jerking off to your trauma the whole time oh sure

nothing but sexual gratification out of watching that poor plumber suffer so I mean everybody he gets slowly but surely everybody is involved in this thing because Bryce Dallas Howard's story

story as it were is that oh there's fucking this person who's a healer and there's these four guys that are a guild that are going to protect me and this is all so she can like get picked up by an eagle this is the stupid part of the movie, though, is basically

he's like, I don't know, man, this crazy lady almost Odeed on my couch. Let me go back to the old lady. And it's like, oh, the only way she's going to understand, she's going to tell you the whole story is if you pretend, if she sees you like a child. What the

fuck is this? This is embarrassing. It is it's more embarrassing than the rhino and Amazing Spider-Man. But why does this even work? Like, does she think he's like a fat baby child I think that she thinks he's slow

it's like a Tyrannosaurus Rex can't see you if you don't move So she'll act like a baby And this woman won't be able to see That you're fucking 45 year old Bald Paul Giamatti Like I was thinking he should just like Shave everything off

Oh nice Yeah dude I'm your baby Oh God that'd be terrified Dude he just This is what he does right He goes in he sits on her couch And shits his pants

He's like he's like moving his feet around Like a little kid And he drinks milk And he gets a milk moustache. Just dripping milk. And he's like, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, it's like, ew. It's, it's much weirder than whatever perversion he has on billions,

which I've heard is pretty intense. Oh, he's got a perversion on that show? That's what I hear. I've heard that as well. No, man, I feel like. I want to watch Billions because I like Paul Giamati, and I want to watch him do stuff. I like Damien Lewis, man. That dude's awesome.

That's a power team. See him in the. the not so great our kind of traitor. Trader? Trader. Okay, not a traitor. Like a day trader.

No, not an importer exporter. Like a, uh, someone going against their country. Damien Lewis should play Art Vandal. Ooh. Great movie. Like George Costanza finally meets the real art vandal. Like it's an actual guy. Oh, yeah.

Hello, George. heard you've been using my name, George. That's what's good about our kind of traitor. My name. He's using his. real voice in that movie oh that's good thankfully oh i'm a chimney sweep now ain't i gelliver that's exactly right so he gets the story and he uh basically uh um em knight's sister has to do this thing which is like because like i guess story's not allowed to tell anybody narfs don't narc dude

put that on a fucking t-shirt put that on a tattoo this is welcome back to narf school everybody Rule number one is narfs don't narc. Rule number two is you don't talk about knives school. If you're a narf and you narc, I'm going to have that scrunt bite your throat out. The only people you could talk to are elderly Koreans. So like, M. Knight's sister does this horseshit thing where it's like when me and my friends wanted to, you know,

tell secrets but not say them out loud, we just asked each other questions. And then we signaled whether or not that person was right. So then we have a five to seven minute sequence of this woman asking story questions while story like dies in a shower like E.T. And Giamati's like standing in like another room like, you know, asking the questions to this woman. I mean, it is obnoxious. And basically there's a heel every time that not only that every time a narf is around a scrunt is trying to get her, but there's a little. also rules that scrunts have to abide by.

We find out that. There's also something called the Tartutic, which are the monkey grass monsters. And then there's always a healer, a guardian, and a guild. And a symbolologist. Everybody following along who could care. And I mean, like,

and even we're an hour into this movie, and I'm like, dude, we're still explaining what this thing is. And we're not going to stop explaining, like Eric said, until fucking it says written and directed by him at Chimal. That's right. On the back of my fucking ticket, put a map. I don't know what's going on.

And so basically, like, through, he goes up to Bob Balaban, because Bob Balaban is a movie export, therefore knows how this horse shit works. Oh, man. And this is one of the dumbest parts of this movie. I mean, fucking Bob Balabat's such a straw man in this movie. It bugs me so much.

Because he's wasted. Yeah. Like, Bob Balaban is one of the funniest people out there. Yeah. And he's wasted in this movie doing shit like, oh, hey, you're our film. critic you know what every character is going to do before they do it and then like bob ballaban has to be like oh well this character trope is blah blah blah and like just dryly explaining and it gets

so meta with this whole thing and for what and for whom because he is sticking it to all these people that were slamming him over the village the village is a stupid fucking movie everybody i'm not name and names but i know of a person who claimed that the village was the best movie in the year that it was released. No. Yep. This is someone I know, huh?

Yep. Yikes. Not naming names on the air. But it's a truth. You'll get somebody's house. People will lose their job. Oh, hey, Dan, can you come in here? This podcast said that you had said

that the village was the best movie in which the year it was released. I can't explain. Dan, Dan, I want you to pack up your stuff. You've lost your job. Looks like it's suicide again for me. No, no, no, no, no. You've lost your job.

People should lose their job if they think the village is the best movie of 2004. You kidding me? Oh, Fred, come in here. I heard from another podcast that you said that the Lady in the Water is the best movie of the year that it came out in 2006. You've lost your life. There's a huge rushing behind him with piano. So somehow they decide that the, you have to, as the story goes, have like a big party, but that nobody can see this narf when she's looking to get picked up by this eagle.

So he's like, well, looks like we're having a party. And he's going to all this, he goes to Jeffrey Wright, he goes to Mary Beth Hurdy, goes to Jared Harris. And everyone's just like, yeah, sure, man, I'll help out. Oh, wow, you've got some magic lady in your house. and a grass wolf's trying to kill her? You know what? You need... You got a grass monkey on my bag.

I know that game. You need at least like three examples of someone closing the door in his face. Yes, exactly. Because the way it plays in the film is everybody's like, fuck yeah, Mr. Heep, let's do it. Well, they're all on him.

I love you, Mr. Heap. You're the man now, Heep. Oh, man. Sean Connery and Bill Irwin's role. Better movie. Yep, totally. I like Bill Orwin a lot, but yeah. More like garbage heap.

His first name should be garbage. Yeah, I'm Mr. G. Gordon Heap. What's the G stand for? Garbage. Oh, how'd you guess? Never saw Garbage Eat Garbage before. Cut to Paul Giumadi eating a garbage place. Eating an E. Clair out of the trash.

So they throw this party and. And basically the idea is like, oh, man, where's this fucking eagle, man? I was promised an eagle, and I don't see a fucking no eagle, brother. You know what? There's like 200 to 300 people that live in this apartment complex. 30 of them are at this party. Someone's calling the cops eventually. And the weird thing is, like, they're, as an excuse, they're like, oh, we'll throw a party for the new guy who's Bob Balaban.

And, like, basically, like, we find. out that he got it wrong like Paul Giamatti made the wrong assumptions Oh he's cocked up the whole thing Yeah And this wolf gets out And it kills Bob Balaban

It's kind of like Almost the scene from Ghostbusters Right It's almost exactly Louis Tully Outside of fucking A tavern on the green

Thank you You know Nice doggy Nice doggy But no instead it's like Well I Actually, this is a fun... And it's his life, and he's talking to this grass dog.

And he's like, well, actually, if this was a horror movie, I would be dead because of, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's fucking Jamie Kennedy and scream, dude. Actually, but this is more like a family-friendly film, and I'll probably get away and learn a valuable lesson. And he turns around, he gets fucking snarked or whatever that snorts. He gets, what are they, snarks? Oh, yeah, he gets scrunted. Yeah, the scrunting. Oh shit

Welcome back to our minute by minute on the scrunting And you know what dude Let's get a body count going If that's the case of the scrunt is killing people Let's do it up You're letting it loose like at this party dude Come on Members of that guild Jared Harris can go

And this is one of that's Let's have some memorable death Those dudes are definitely expendable And I'll tell you my biggest problem With this guild of four fucking idiots in this movie Uh huh He doesn't have the balls Shamalan to like make them

actually be smoking weed no wait they're not no they're like fake stoners who they act stone but they're clearly like smoking cigarettes well it's a marijuana cigarette right no it's like a fucking marl yellow filtered we're just smoking cigarettes because you know Disney's putting out this movie or whoever put this movie out

Warner Brothers oh wow what a fucking mistake but the weird thing is like this is the first movie of his that's not scary at all it's got that one jump scare where the grass dog jumps at the door This is terrifying in how bad it is But like you have to I mean like I get it You don't want to be pigeonholed in whatever

But like I'm sorry you're making something with monsters And a dude fucking scare it up a little Exactly exactly And so basically the story gets her leg scratched again This time much worse Yeah she falls on her roller blades And like Jiamati's like oh wait I got it wrong man Everyone was not the right person

So he gets the rest of the cast The rest of this building in And everybody's doing all this shit Just bothering even more people And you know it's a Friday night by the way And like the little kid from Heroes is Jeffrey Wright's son Oh that's where that kid's from Oh it was killing me

And he's like oh it's this And now it's gonna be We're gonna have to get the The Hispanic family involved And they're gonna watch this stuff I'm already asleep. And, like, stories, like, passed out, and her hair turns blonde at this point. Yeah.

Oh, she's dying much like E.T. Isn't that interesting? And basically, we spend another 20 minutes. The funny thing is, we spend this other 20 minutes getting everyone together doing this ceremony. And he's like, and the kid's like, oh, I got that wrong again. And I'm like, dude, are you fucking kidding me? What's awesome is it's around this time. You see, actually, it's kind of funny, because they agree to do this quickly, but they also

turn on Giamatti very quickly. Because when the kids like, oh, I think I fucked it up, I'm sorry. Bill Irwin is just like, this woman is dying, and we're talking about a family bedtime story, and this is bullshit Paul Giamatti. Yeah, like call the fucking

cops. You know what, dude, there's a wolf outside. Let's call the cops and figure it out. Like, everybody, Mary Beth Hurd, fucking Bill Irwin, all these stoners, everybody's like, you know what, man, I don't want to watch a woman die tonight. How about that Mr. Heap? if that is your real name.

And this is the emotional climax of the film, which is like, oh, I guess I'm the healer, man, because the butterfly came to me or whatever, whatever, or shit. And basically, like, it's like, oh, and the little kid's like, you have to, like, talk about your dead family to bring her back and clap your hands. He's like, are you sure you're reading that right? Because this is going to be really hard for me. And he's just like, oh, man, it's like what every day I close my eyes,

I think of your faces, and I see God, man. And everyone's like, dude, this is getting dark. I see your faces, and it reminds me of God. And I'm like, why? And what he took from me? Fuck you, God. I'm Frank Castle, the fat punisher. You've got to have a little physical prowess to punish.

Hey, by the way, this movie's like 25 minutes too long. Oh, easily. It's about, wait, wait, how long is this movie? An hour and 45 minutes. That's how too long of this. Because they have this whole party scene and the whole thing goes tits up. And then we just have to do the same exact thing again. Twice over because the kid's like, oh, I messed that up, man.

And I'm like, are you ever loving kidding me? And then they do it again. And then like they bring everybody outside and she gets healed by Paul Giamatti's tears, which is beautiful. Isn't like a scrunt come out of the mist now and a threat? threaten them? Yes, and also the scrunts, I guess, breaking the rules and the Tartudic can't see it or some... Oh, fuck, dude. Really? Oh, that's right. Yeah, these...

These grass dogs, dude, are not abiding by this bullshit code of honor that all these creatures live by. Oh, man, it's... It's the 13th of the month. All scrunts are... All bets are off with the scrunts. Every scrunt is a wild card. Oh, my God. Did you check the date? It's a

scrunt purge. the scrunt anarchy scrunt election year fuck yeah that would be awesome dude it's like the one scrunt who's learned to speak English is running for president

totally don't blame me I voted for codos I love the idea of I like the idea of two parties one for the purge wherein everyone dies and the other ones I don't know maybe I'll go out of a live

and say I'm against the purge Are in that world, do you think there's these These fucking anomalies that we call Undecided voters In the purge anarchy? They're like, I don't know. Sell me on the purge. Sell me on why this is a good idea. I just don't know.

Well, the idea about the purge is everyone's a secret serial killer, I guess. Yeah, that's an idea. Or enough people are. Most of us. They're up there, but you indulge in, you know, know the id man I mean I feel like you know what's going to happen on purge night everyone's torrent in movies

you know everyone's torrented every movie they can do the purge night the internet is so fucking slow that's that's when you have to break out your old DVD collection when the internet is down the DVD collection is dead

what do bend over Netflix it's DVDs to the rescue Oh, man. Case of emergency. You just keep a, dude, one, like, 100 slat binder of DVDs in a closet. For Purge Night? For Purge Night. When the internet inevitably gets slow, thanks a lot.

People getting murdered at Time Warner Cable. You just pop in some DVDs. You don't have to worry about it. Perfect. I like that idea. Perfect for the Purge. This is all around a better movie than Lady in the Water. for sure. Purge Anarchy is such a better

movie than Lady in the Water. I got to check it out. A hundred times. Everybody keeps saying it's a good movie. Purge 1 is terrible. Yes. Purge 2 is fun. Ooh. I like fun. Hey, I like fun. It's just Punisher, but not Fat Punisher. No, it's in shape. It's skinnier

Punisher, actually. So also, Paul Giumati, he thinks initially he thinks that he's like the protector of this woman. I'm the fucking guardian man. I'm the guardian of a gahoole. Have you looked in the mirror lately. You fucking couldn't guard a box

of crispy cream donuts. My lord. What are you fucking Don Rickles over there? Hello? Having fun in there, donuts? Running around. You baby gorilla. Oh, I love it.

Why don't you get a horse and go, move up to the mountains, don't bother anyone. Dirty work much better moving the lady in the water. Oh, of course. Thousands and times. Scrood is a better movie than Lady in the Water. A thousand times. Scrut is.

Scrut the motion picture? No, I disagree. I much prefer Scrant election here. And Scrunn, Scrun, Anarchy. Scutatic is pretty good idea. That's probably the best one. It's like the Empire Strikes Back of the Scrut trilogy. Those Scrant prequels, though, don't get me started.

And, dude, the fucking Scrant Awakens is just a rip-off of the original. Skrunt. That is like the same movie. It is. It's like the beat for beat the same movie. Thank you, Paul W. Reddit. First of all, a woman couldn't do that battle to a scrunt. She doesn't have the physical prowess to be a guardian.

You know who does though? Freddie Rodriguez who's like batting this thing away with a pool vacuum. Well, the idea is that the scrunt all it takes is the guardian to look at it and then the scrunt can't move and I'm like, well, there goes my tent. you did it if you're staring down the thing i want you to like fight or something and then like all these grass monkeys come out and kill it yep that's it they all these grass monkeys jump from the trees and beat it to death and they kind of have a grute vibe they do have a

they're very grude actually um and then like this bird comes down fucking finally man and work my tits off waiting for this bird well i mean that that bird's you know it just came from Mordor and boy, it's arms tired. I thought it was going there. Like that's my route. It's like the battle of the two whatever towers. Dude, that would be awesome if it turned out. Dude, here's your twist

ending. This bird picks up Bryce Dallas Howard and drops her in a fucking flaming volcano. I'm okay with that. That would be great. And then Andy Circus jumps in after. And then what's like the most infuriating about this movie, man, is that this bird

comes, Bryce Dallas Howard disappears. I have to go. My Planet needs me. And then it is a hard cut to credits, man. Like anything even, I mean, like, what the, like, what would happen? Like, after that happens, what is Heep talking to these people about? There has to be

something going on. You know what it, you know what it should be? It's a thing where it's like, they wake up and nobody fucking remembers anything. Yeah. It's like, looks like we all got pretty loose at this party. And, like, they help, like, Mr. Heep clean up. Nobody remembers. the scruntening.

You know what I mean? But what happens is there's a couple of lines of dialogue between M. Knight, who's the star of this film. And he finds out that he's going to die. Like, he's like, oh, I'm going to, my book is going to be so wonderful and all of the people will finally pay.

And so will I. So, yeah, the thing is, he's not, he inspires with his words, the savior of the world. Like there's a boy who reads his book, who grows up to be like a revolutionary president, basically. Right. From publishing mind comf too.

Totally. This happens. And, you know, he's like, I, I, you keep saying that this boy is going to read my book, but you don't say that I get to meet this boy. So I'm presuming that I'm dead. And she's just like, yeah, yeah, you get killed. Over a cookbook? And it's,

And it's ridiculous because like her parting words to him, Like, she's getting ready for this bird to pick her up. She's, like, hailing the bird down. And she's like, by the way, your sister has seven children. You only live to meet two of them. There's your timeline. Oh, fuck. You're pregnant with twins?

Shit. Dude, and then that's an interesting Twilight Zone movie. Does he or does he not kill his sister? Oh, easily. Because it's possible if she doesn't give birth to the second child, he lives. Dude, kill them all. lock that book away, have it get out when you die as an old man.

Throw the whole timeline off. I guess that's the question, right? If you guys were told, like, you're going to write a, you know, revolutionary piece of literature, it would have to be about the Green Lantern. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something about the storyline that you decide to tell about those jewelry-wearing aliens

is going to change the world. But to seriously answer your question, I would definitely publish it even if it meant my own death because then I would live on immortality changing everything forever. But it depends. My ego outweighs my mortal coil. Are you the dude?

Are you Zephrin Cochran, you know? Or are you Hitler? Like if I'm Zephrin Cochran, that's cool. Yeah. Everyone's like, oh man, you literally solved it all. Well, that's why I would need to be like, hey, Narf. How about some more details?

as to what exactly is, you know, what exactly my work is being inspired to help. Got any thoughts for chapter 20 here? Got to try to finish this book. I mean, you know what it's supposed to be. Why don't you just tell me what you'd like to see? What I love is I, and I stuck around through the end credits of this. Oh, a stinger scene, huh?

There's not a stinger, but there is, there's a line at the end of this. It says, to my daughter, I'll tell you this story one more time, and then it's time for bed. If I were this daughter, I'd be like, you know what? Never tell me this story again. How about that? How about you leave me out of this one? You know what, too? But no, but that's the story behind us, where this was a bedtime story he told to his children.

That's a fucking dumb story. And they passed right out. You want to put somebody down. Yeah, that's true. It's just like you pretend to be asleep, so dad will shrew. shut the fuck up about scrunts and narfs and tartu dicks and fucking paul giomati when i'm trying to sleep what an asshole did he actually tell his kids and then cleveland hep the superintendent of the building oh no cleveland hept down the street he's the cool one

what is his name uh he peep oh right yeah garbage cleveland hepp is played by gerard way yeah hep cat hep cat hep is down the road he's a cool guy better movie oh yeah Gerard Way, by the way. I don't know. That's the first thing that I could think of. Weird. You're the first person in history

that the first person they thought of was Gerard Way. Yeah, and that's this dumb movie. Would anybody sitting in this room recommend it? No, man, if I never have... I mean, I do think, honestly, all of his other movies, including The Last End, Airbender,

including the Village, I would so rather watch any of those movies. Including After Earth? Yes. Yes. Because at least there's aliens. and shit. Yep. And at least Will Smith's doing stuff. Not really well, they're fighting scrunts, right? They're fighting

space scrunts. Space scrunts. Sprunds. Oh, no, I wouldn't recommend this. This is fucking cancer. Cinematic cancer. Oh, no. Yeah, I guess that too. Are you saying we should all go to the doctor? Yes. Oh, all right. Definitely. Definitely check out your fucking narfs after this one. Oh, no. My family went to see an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Now they're all fucking dead man. Oh, that's the twist. Oh, him getting out of the village and his family's dead.

Oh. Or maybe him getting out a lady in the water and his family's dead. I don't know. It's like a time paradox. Oh, man. My wife keeps cyanide in her purse. They took the fucking easy way out, man. I sat through the whole fucking thing.

Yeah, I would not recommend this movie. I still say to this day the best reaction to this movie is the gentleman behind me walking out of movie theater who threw a large diet coke against the wall while screaming, I paid $80 to bring my family to this. Like, that is the best response to this movie. Like, yeah, you got fucking duped, dude, because you liked all those other movies and then you came to this. And what a 180 garbage fest.

It's angry making. Yes, it made me angry. Because at least any of those other movies, like, you know where you are at a certain point and it just happens and then it's over with or there's a big twist at the end and go oh wow there's nothing that's convoluted about them this it's this is so convoluted and it all takes place

in a fucking dump apartment well not a dump apartment it's supposed to be a dump apartment building and that's it like it's cheap garbage follow Paul Giamati to the fucking bodega for something you know what I mean at least Philadelphia at least the village

you got to see the woods you got to see a car I don't even think you see a car in this movie. You get to see a ladder later in that movie? Sick ladder cameo at the end of that movie. I think there's a knife. That is Lady in the Water from 2006 directed and starring and written by M. Night Shyamalan. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at sideshownetwork.tv.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the program, wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate that as well. You really got to do that, folks. Because, you know, helps us out.

Exactly. I mean, the enemies are at the gates. That's all I'm going to say. It would really help if you got any enjoyment out of the show. Maybe you give a little back. Yeah, exactly. You don't want these scrunts taking us over, man. They're a scrunts, man.

That's the thing. You don't want to tune in next week, and someone's like, well, go to Scrantcast. Yeah, there are a lot of pods grunts out there. Now next week on the program, we're going to the Final Frontier. Oh. That's right. Star Trek 5 colon, the Final Frontier. William Shatner's directorial debut, maybe.

Right, right. I think an alternate title is The Search for Chris Cabin. That's right, gang, returning to We Hate Movies. Oh, you're kidding me. After a long absence. Chris Cabin, back in studio to talk about this movie. you with us. Can you believe that? No. Yeah. I got the teleporter working, guys. We did. We're going to try to bring him back.

Yeah, he actually did die, but we do have the Genesis device. Don't ask questions. And we're going to resurrect him. Right now he's a weird baby, but by the time we record next week, you should... Yeah, he'll be fine. He's like screaming right now, and his head's, like, growing too fast for the rest of his body. We're going to put him

in front of the TV. It'll catch up a bunch of movies, and he'll be fine. He'll be fine. So until next week, with Star Trek five, the final frontier, and the return of our good friend, Chris Cabin. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.