We Hate Movies - S6 Ep259: Episode 259 - Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Episode Date: July 19, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang takes the #SBE2016 up to the stars to chat about the super lame sequel, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier! Featuring the exciting return of beloved cast member, Chris Cabin, the gang gets into the nitty-gritty of the Trek world by tackling such questions as: is that really just a horn-shaped piece of cardboard on that horse? What's with the sexy cat people? And is it really safe to free-climb a mountain with such a bad toupee? PLUS: Bones loves the Bizkit! Star Trek V: The Final Frontier stars Bill "William" Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, David Warner, and Laurence Luckinbill; directed by William Shatner.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on the second to last episode of the summer blockbuster extravaganza, we welcome back to the program for the first time in a very long time. Yeah, it's great to be here, guys. No, no, no, it's Chris. Chris Cabin returning to We Hate Movies to talk about William Shatner's Star Trek 5. Holy Christ. Let's get into it. I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Zadak.

Eric Sis Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in to our fine program as always. Now, this week, like I said, welcoming back to the program for the first time at a long time. Mr. Chris Cabin, how are you, sir? I'm not doing pretty well, as it turns out. Wait, what?

He's back from the Great Barrier or whatever the hell happened. The Great Beyond. He crossed the Great Barrier and entered the center of the universe, or whatever happens in this movie. Now, this is, of course, Star Trek 5, colon, the final frontier from 1989, directed by the Autour, Bill William Shatner. Wouldn't it be William Bill Shatner? No, no, no, not the way he does it. he always signs his tweets MBB which is

my best bill no he does it he definitely does that be oh my best comma bill because he's your grandfather on Twitter is that the idea well he's bill you know he's bill to all the youths

and his friends because he's cool that way what is Twitter is it a like writing a letter to all your friends no let me tell you something William Shatner knows what Twitter is he's on that shit nonstop

just like writing about like he like live tweets TV shows yeah all these like these teams TV shows I've never even heard of. This fucker's live tweet and all of them. It's like zoo. Yeah, he probably watches zoo.

Is anyone watching? Did you watch zoo? I watched the premiere when I was at Comic Con last year. Yeah, all those animals were running wild. That pelican is trying to eat you. Get out of there. I wish a fucking pelican tried to eat somebody in this movie. I'll tell you that much.

Something would happen. That'd be kind of cool. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Can I state that I own. two of these original Star Trek movies on VHS. Rath of Khan and this movie. Why? Because it was

like in a $5 bin at a coconuts. Okay. You know, like sometime in the late 90s. And you know you've got to do in that situation. If you're at a coconuts, you've got an extra five bucks to spend. Kill myself? You wind up, you got to get the soundtrack to Dracula 2000.

Oh, that's what I should have done. Oh, I thought you were talking about getting the best of the Doobie Brothers. I should have done the duby. Brothers, man. Because let me tell you, because of that purchase, I've seen this movie like 30 times. Really? Why? Because I used to, this is proof that kids are stupid, too.

Oh, I needed that. I really liked this movie as a kid. I just would watch it. I don't know why. I've seen Rath of Cotton More. I understood that that was the better movie. Yeah, well, the thing is, I'm sure tons of people like this movie. I'm sure we're already catching shit. Oh, sure. Just

catching it in a big glove. Big shit catching glove. it's a it's a movie let's just let's just say that well i'll say that the one i've seen the most is actually uh voyage home because i lived with a bunch of you know dirty no good animal lovers and they were just taken with those whales those whales they kept not wanting to go back to look at the whales living with a bunch of whale huggers people will tell you that the fourth one's the worst one right

like they're out there they're out there because it's like hokey it's fun but it's so much better than star trek five Oh, yeah. This is the worst of the TOS. Of the TOS movies. There's certainly worse Star Trek movies that have existed. I'm looking at you, the next generation movies. Insurrection, you mean?

Nemesis. Nemesis. Both of those are worse than this movie. Saddle up. Lock and load. Oh, man. First Contact's one of the best, though. Yeah.

Oh, for sure. I think First Contact is up there with, like, Rath a Khan. It's definitely. It's probably the second best Star Trek movie. But so this is the fifth one that takes, it's hot off, the whales have been saved at this point. Sure, they're back.

We've traveled back in time and made sure that the whale people can fuck each other or whatever happened there. They take the whales into the future with them. Oh, right. Right, so they can fuck in the future. Yes. Marty, it's about the whales. They gotta get fucking in the future.

Those whales are making plans to fuck. So is there like an Ashley Madison for whales? Is that the idea? I think so, but because it's the future, there's just like two of them. Look, Marty, the paper, it's changing. It now shows a picture of whales fucking.

I think that's what they're doing in that movie. Whales are like ruling the world or whatever. It's all happening. Captain, whale come. Off the starboard bow. Full torpedoes. Shields up, Mr. Dayton. So, yeah, so that happened.

And we start. a mad max ask this the only uh start i read this the only one of these movies that has a cold open really yeah it's uh they'll start with the title sequence except for this guy we're yeah we're in a mad max type situation it's the dude from uh like uh hills have eyes and all those movies where you need a weird looking guy is that that that actually him i believe that that's that dude okay cool so he's hanging out on the he's got this dirt farm situation and up comes a lone rider on a horse with like a cardboard horn on it?

It's a space horse. What are we even doing, man? I was writing my notes and I was like, oh, man, a horse, why would there be a horse in this planet? I was like, oh, whoa, no need for a note, Steve. That horse has a horn on it. It's clearly another species. I too had to delete a note about horses in space. Space horses.

I mean, it's just the laziest, like, man, just put a horn on it. Like, okay, William Shatter. I mean, obviously, he's not going to be riding a dooback or whatever, but, like, put something in that. I'd appreciate a du back or something, you know. How about like a vehicle? Yeah. Would it kill you to have a fucking vehicle? You got rocket boots?

Why does he have rocket boots? Oh, yeah. And as we learn, this dude appears right away to be like a cult member of some kind, like a cult leader. He's very charismatic when speaking to this dirt farmer. And we learned that he's a Vulcan. Oh, it's a Vulcan with emotion. because this dude starts laughing maniacally. Well, because he's, like, what he does is like,

oh, tell me about your pain, and then he'll, like, mind-meld you and then, like, make you feel better? Question mark. Yeah, oh, it's a big question mark. And, like, it, like, hypnotizes you for some reason and makes you do stuff that your character normally wouldn't do, and this is the fifth movie.

Like, we got to mix it up somehow. I guess so. And, I mean, you know, there's no reason to keep this a secret. this man's name is Cybock, he is Spock's half-brothered. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, but it's not Jesus? No, no, no, it's Sybok. Okay, Sybock. Noob, Sybock, Sybock, okay.

Sybock, it was on a list somewhere. It was the 12th best name of, like, what would Spock's brother name be? Spork, Spinks. How about a clat? Clat works. Clat, I think that's a... Scott? Scott?

Maybe Scott. Scott, son of Sarik. You know what, what if there was like a really bad, homage. What if we just called it? What if he called him, Gene Roddenberry? That's for you, Gene. It's like, no, thank. Rodden. I'm still a lot. Rodden would work.

Or Genebock? Genebock? But Sybock sounds like Syrac's a bit. Well, this was before those classic Mortal Time. Well, sure. Honestly, the entire movie, I thought they were saying Sybot. Really? Really? Yeah. I was

like, oh, what's Sybot up to now? Like, I knew he wasn't a robot, but I just thought his name was bot. But then you would imagine he has to be revealed to be a robot. No. Oh, that'd be nice. No, it's Star Trek. Anything's possible. Well, sure.

Robots. If it turned out that this dude was like an android of Cybok that was called Cybot. And like in the middle of the movie, Spock's just like, wait, are you calling yourself Cybock or Cybott? Oh, no, I've been saying Cybot this whole time. I'm not actually your brother. I'm actually a robot of your brother. look, just sign this paper so I know what it is.

I'm still not exactly hearing what you're saying. Write it down. Write it down. That's a T. You're a robot. All right. Is it a C or a K? It's all I want to know at the end of this. My brother called himself

Saibach with a K. Are you Cybach with a C? By the way, these Leonard Nimoy impressions are reminding me, you know how you can like tell when these people shouldn't be playing these characters? the way they are is when like your actors start having dentures mouth and that's what Nimoy's got going on in spades in this movie's dentures mouth well he looks like alice cooper

this whole fucking movie man the makeup they put on him is ridiculous these eyebrows are accentuated and the blu-ray's not helping anybody no it's not nobody's nobody's nobody's the The Thespian Lawrence Luckin' Bill. Oh. Yeah, no, nobody. William Shatner found this guy by watching a movie about Lyndon Johnson on PBS. Oh, I thought it was community theater. Same difference, by the way.

Like, William Shatner was on, like, vacation in Rhode Island and just went to, like, a community theater and was like, this guy's got the goods. Oh, yeah. A little more salt for the steak. Thanks so much. But this guy doesn't have the goods. He'll be perfect. Can't outshine Bill Shatner. That's probably a big part of it.

So he was pulling a producers type thing, like hire a shitty actor? No, they wanted Sean Connery. And Sean Connery, I think, was like in some sort of negotiation. And then Spielberg, like, drove a truck full of money. And it was like, hey, be in the new Indiana Jones movie. He's like, better idea. Guess I'll make a sacrifice working for one of you. But, like, why not get anyone else?

Get Donald Sutherland. get Donald Pleasins For God's sick. Fucking great. Anyone. Had out of Spock. It's your brother. I met a Vulcan with black eyes.

The devil's eyes. Solaris eyes. Oh, man. Spock in a slasher movie, that could work, right? Oh, yeah. He's totally logical. If he had a reason to kill everybody and then, you know, like he's got super strength and all that good stuff.

Oh, you're saying that Spock would be the killer? Yeah. Oh, I see. So it's like, you know. Yeah, he would have to have reasons for murdering everybody. I thought you were going to say, like, he's going against all the horror tropes. He'd be like, well, it's illogical for me to go up the stairs when I should be going out the door. Well, I feel like he would be like, it's illogical for me to hide from all the people.

Actually, Billy, it's illogical for me to have a house party with my parents not home. Things will clearly, someone's clearly going to break my dad's favorite lamp. cut to camping in this movie which is what you want in a Star Trek movie Home home on the ring No cut to Mission Impossible 2's opening Which is a very elderly man climbing a rock Sands I Disappear which would be a better

Is like Kirk climbing this rock to Metallica I just want to hear Wes Borland going Down dong dong down down it's insane because he's climbing up this open like this cliff rock face without any protection he's free climbing el capy tan he's got no ropes no condoms no nothing his stunt man is doing because like we are so far away from him and it's like this really in in good shape coming oh wow good good for bill shatner and then like not a chance in hell and then you cut to william shatner literally in a parking lot, which is what I read.

It's, like, just fat and sweaty. He's just doughy. I mean, like, he's old. He's, like, almost 60 years old. None of them should still be on active duty in Starfleet. The fact that they're all just punching a clock in this organization is ridiculous at this point. But, like, what is, like, the fact that they're even trying to pretend that Kirk can climb this mound. I still don't get it.

Like, there should be an explanation. Yeah. I, I popped some muscle pill. Yeah, maybe he's like juicing. Yeah, juicid. Put some Ben Gae on. If you haveiprofins, I'm ready to go. Oh, yeah, if they showed like in the,

they should do the credit sequence first and like show him being dipped in a tank of Ben Gay and being like maybe a robot could feed him some pills. Some Romulins roaming him down with icy hot. Oh, icy, icy. Hot, hot. But he's climbing this rock

because he's the coolest guy that ever lived. Oh, yeah. He's in great shape. I'm surprised he's not jerking off while he's doing this. In the mirror. It's got to be... In front of mirror with him. It's got to be hard to free climb him out with a toupee this bad

because, like, you know, you've got to get nervous that it starts flapping it. You get a bad breeze. It starts flapping. You're like, oh, should I keep my hand on the rock face? Or should I hold down my fucking hair hat? Die keeping a secret. The secret. Bones is down there with space, but I go.

It's not worth it, Jim. Let's go. That's what's... Everybody knows. Everybody's known for years. We're cutting back and forth between fake stunt double, climbing a mountain, and DeForest Kelly just looking with binoculars like, what a fucking idiot. Oh, he's up there again, showboating like a fucking moron.

And you... I wanted to have lunch with him today. He's just increasingly, he has like, a bottle of soda. He's just squeezing it harder and harder. And then finally, when it happens, pop. You realize, though, with this, like, this cutting back and forth that what this movie is all about is the fucking laughs between all these people. Oh, yeah.

We're just having a great time, aren't we? It really doesn't matter about the adventure. It's a victory lap. Like, this one more so than any of the other ones. Well, Shatner's finally directing. Of course it's a victory laugh. Oh. And then Spock shows up with rocket boots.

What a distraction, by the way. I have rocket boots. I've only watched these movies for the first time, like, two years ago. I never saw any of them. And I watched all six women like a month. To answer your question, you haven't asked yet, No, Rocket Boots don't appear in any other place. Or not in the show, nothing else.

Not that I know of. Don't they have, don't those guys who, uh, kill the Klingons in Undiscovered Country have gravity boots kind of, but that's after this. So this, I guess, this is, so this establishes the boot lore, the boot science. The mythology of the boots in Star Trek. Going forward, we can have boots for anything. Well, they've got the, they've got the magnet boots in first contact when they're walking on like the outside of the ship. That's a great scene.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. Neal What's face gets turned into a Borg and murdered. Yep. Well, we could think that and Undiscovered country right here. This is where it all started. This is where the boots started. The rocket boots. Here it is. Gene, Gene, Gene, jean, just hear me out. We have to introduce boots.

And nothing but boots. So, what, do they have laces? No, no, no, no. The rocket boots. And they're magnet boots. You can have Mega Man boots. You can have razor boots. You know, Lava boots. Bill, are you sure you want to do this?

You can have you can have Cooper type people riding in a boot. Look, I haven't talked to Nintendo yet, but I got to tell you, I don't think that's going to fly, man. That's not a worthwhile crossover, by the way. Mario Brothers and Star Trek? That sounds

great. No, it doesn't. It sounds amazing. You know, like, you don't even have to change Mario that much, like a fat little Italian. It's pretty, you know, just shave off the mustache, him in a yellow shirt and you got Kirk. I will say, if I got to see Shatner in a raccoon suit.

Yes. I can turn into a statue for some reason. Here you go. Or the frog suit? That's how you find your A-minus movie. Honestly, just show me William Shadder shooting fire out of his hands. Well, I would like it if it wasn't even like shooting out, like, it was actually

like the video game. He's just like throwing little balls of fire all over. They're bouncing all over the place. But he'd spend the whole time complaining about what Luigi had in his contract. And, yeah, that's true. I'm the star of this, right? I'm the red one. That's the star.

Now there's a Wallo Luigi. Oh, man, Warkirk? Oh, shit. Warkirk, he's got a mustache. Like a goatee. And terrible self-esteem. It's just him from the Mirror Mirror episode of the original series. Oh, yeah.

Get that dude back. That dude. Had some ideas. So what else they introduced in this movie? Just as far as, like, Star Trek universe introductions, is like a failed idea that Roddenberry never got off the ground, but the idea of, like, the Federation, like, Army men that happen in this. Yeah.

The Marines. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the Federation Marines, which is so stupid because it's like, this is a science organization, like a peace organization. Like a peace organization, but it's like, no, no, no, no. Also have to have a Marine unit. But doesn't even make any sense because everyone could shoot their silly lasers anyway.

You don't need a Marine to do that. Also, I don't fucking care. I'm here for the Star Trek Enterprise people. Get me the fuck there. Yeah. We're so, I mean, we spend 25 minutes on the fucking, in this whole little camp situation. By the way, Spock shows up with his rocket boots. Causes Kirk to fall because he's, like, giving him shit.

They're both wearing, like, these, like, track suits that are. very flattering. No, although Spock's jacket is pretty sharp. I love that Kirk throughout a lot of this is wearing a sweatshirt or whatever that says, go climb a rock. That's why I want to see is William Shatner in a gimmick t-shirt. I love it.

Who knew that in the 24th century there'd still be like t-shirts with messages on them? Who knew? I'm not crazy but the voice in my head. Whatever. If you can read this, the bitch fell off. You see my shirt, Spock?

Mean people suck. What? I do like New York. So, yeah, Spock saves him, and then they decide to have dinner. Sure. Which they're just eating beans with whiskey in it. There's probably more whiskey than beans. There's no beans.

If we're being realistic, they're just drinking whiskey off of a spoon. Because DeForest or Bones is like, an old family. recipe, you green-blooded Vulcan fuck? Which is, I mean the thing is... I can't believe we're going on fucking vacation with him, Jim. The weird thing is, like, back when they were both 40 in the TV show,

it was like a fun, Ted-a-Tet. Now that he's older, whenever he's taught, whenever this old, and DeForest Kelly was the oldest of all of them, he's older by like 10 years. 10 years at least. He, it just, it's got an old Southern racist vibe in it, man. Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, this green-blooded

Vulcan. He has, he He added quite a lot of salt to it. The older he gets the more, he just sounds like an old racist yelling at people. But he's evolved, you know? He's no longer racist against humans. He's now specious. Oh, sure.

Well, you'd have to be in the 24th century. It's a half-late, Jim. These goddamn gleepclops running around. Well, he's just like, oh, well. It's unnatural. His father fucked a woman. One of ours. Now I get one of theirs.

Well, actually, Shatner has no... I mean, he has no place to talk, because in the beginning of Undiscovered Country, when he's like, he agrees with that thing, they're animals. They're all animals. Right, yeah, yeah, comfortable. Kirk is a big-time specious or whatever.

He hates Klingons. Oh, he's going to hate Klingons till the day he dies, man, they killed his son David. Fucking Christopher Lloyd, that's son of a bitch. Yeah, Christopher Lloyd playing a Klingon, by the way. But that's the grand tradition of blackface that has gone on to Star Trek history, right? Well, you know, they didn't start out, you know, with African-American actors.

Well, I guess by the sixth movie, though, you've got Michael Dorn. He's playing like Worf's grandfather and whatnot. Hashtag make me in this movie. Find a place. Hashtag I'll be my own grandfather. Don't we have like Christopher Plumber playing one? The next movie. Chang.

Yeah. Yeah, he's a general thing. Yeah. See, the thing is it's more of like a monger. angle-ish culture, right? Now I'm playing a Klingon, too. First it was Genghis Khan,

and now I'm a Klingon. No, no way would Shatner, I mean, assuming John Wayne had lived, would let John Wayne on set. Like, he's got to be the biggest dick in the room all the time. Oh, so the day, John Wayne says a cling on word.

Kalush, collage, motherfucker. Buck. Yeah. Fuck. In your tongue, it means pilgrim. But like... The earth word pilgrim.

Just a reminder, if you're one of those people that fluently speaks Klingon, stay inside. Crig-Krag. That means fuck you. No, it probably means something way worse. We'll get a letter about it. Someone's analyzed these. Oh, my God. There's so many weirdly anti-Semitic stuff in Klingon in that episode.

We had no idea. Sidebar, why, wait, why did we write a bunch of anti-symetic words into Klingon? Yeah, how many Jews are Klingons coming across? One, Shadner, and Nimoy, as Adam Sandler told me. Oh, that's right. You guys watched a heck of a lot more of the next generation than I did. Yeah. Tell me, did Worf ever go to a bar mitzvah?

No, but he does have those super-Jewish. parents. I just rewatched that episode where Warf's parents come to visit. Well, he's adopted. He's adopted. He's adopted all the time. Yeah. And his father's played

Captain, your daddy, no. His father's played by noted Jewish actor who passed away recently. Theodore Bichel, I think his name is. Something like that. He's like super famous Jewish actor. Super famous. Super famous, man. Not to me.

So we start, so like, Basically, like, you know, Spock is just like, I don't understand. Why are we eating beans? And, like, it's just like, I'm going to toast a marshmallow in a space pod. It's like, okay, great. You know what? I didn't get enough concessions at the concession stand. Clearly, this is the time for me to go back for the fucking...

Oh, sure. You know what? Call me when we get to outer space. It's just like bones being like, what do you do after you roast the marshmallow? And Spock's like, I consume it. This is some, this is riveting stuff. The marshmallow becomes a part of me. Yeah, this lasts way too long.

And then we start, it's like, well, we got to sing old, old, old folksy camp songs, don't we, Jim, Jim Boy? And shit, there's like, singing camp songs around a fire. I haven't done that since I was a boy in Iowa. Roland, rolling, rolling, rollin. Keep those doggies. Oh, I thought you'd do it lip biscuits. So did I. Like, that would make sense.

They would do lip biscuits. I did it all for the nookies. What? The nooky. The nooky. Come on, Spock, join in. I might break your fucking face tonight. Give me something to break, Captain.

All and together now. Spock, we're on shore leave. You can call me Jim. Jim, it's just one of those days. When you don't want to wake up. Everybody sucks, Jim. It's an Earth's song, you green-blooded Vulcan. You sing it.

It's a limp biscuit. It's classic. I'm feeling like a freak on a leash. Jim, that's cord. Here we are in Durst Park. Named after President Durst. They re-named just 70 National Park to Durst National Park. after Senator Durst.

Senator then became president. Absolutely, yeah. Resigned in a disgrace, but by today's standards, it's fine. Here we are sleeping alongside the banks of the chocolate starfish lake. About to pop a cold can of hot dog flavored water alongside this camp fire. I really wish I knew more of Limbiscuit songs. New Metal is illogical.

It sure is, Nimoy. So they start singing row, row, row your boat, which is the only song they could afford, I guess. That's what I want 70-year-old dudes to be singing in my movie. Because it costs absolutely nothing. But this is a fucking Star Trek movie, man. You can't find some scratch for music licensing. Isn't all, aren't those songs all on the registry, like the National Registry? I would think at this point of songs that you just can do.

Yeah, I mean, but even still, license a song. Any song. You know what, though? Here's another thing, Chris. Here's a tip. This movie takes place in the 24th century. How about just making shit up? That would also be nice.

Censor in space. Because when they're going through like songs that they want to sing and Shatner-Rum points like, you know, they're going through different songs. He's thrown out ideas and he's like, moon over Rigel 7. And I'm like, that's a fucking fake song. Sing that stupid fake song. If we're, you know, it should have been the Beastie Boys, maybe, right? Well, yeah, I've heard the Abrams verse, huh? Right?

If I already saw a space unicorn or whatever the fuck that thing was. You can make up, like, weird songs. Like, that's what I'm coming here for. It was imaginative stuff anyway. And just like that space unicorn, it just has to be the littlest bit fake. Yes. Like, have a song that just sounds the littlest bit fake. So they sing it.

We cut to the Enterprise fucking final. Lord Almighty minute 27 or something. And Scotty's just running around all harangued because apparently, like the rest of this movie, it's unfinished and cheap. So basically everything's broken. And I guess that's how you do it, though, is like, oh, yeah, the ships, it's a skeleton crew. Not a lot of things are working. They definitely don't get that transporter working for the first fucking hour and 15 minutes. God. Anywhere you can cut a corner.

Now, why is the... No, why... Why is the Enterprise disabled? I really want to know. Did the whales do something in the last movie? I don't remember anything big happening in Four that would make it like such a piece of shit. Four, they don't have the Enterprise.

Because at the start of... Oh, man, and now here we go, by the way. But at the start of four, they're stuck on Vulcan with the Klingon Warbur. And then they do the whole slingshot around the sun Back in Time thing to get the whales All in the Klingon Warbird And it's only, I believe, at the end of that movie

That it's like, by the way, new enterprise credits And like that's where it's left off. So it's new enterprise credits, shitty enterprise. But it's like it's, I guess it's just an enterprise That's not finished yet. Is there like a lost mission or something? Like maybe there was a movie in between we didn't get to? Oh, this is good, you mean a good movie?

Yeah. NCC 1701A dude that's what we're working with right now It's not ready for launch Yeah I know Just letting that out there Yeah I know But it's it's like you know I guess it's kind of like you know

Like a building right Like we've got the exterior of this building finish But you know some of the inside The plumbing's not really working just yet So just go into space with this thing Well and that's I mean that's the bullshit part of the whole thing Is they're like Hey there's this super

important Starfleet mission that we need only this old-ass septuagenarian crew to get on. It's under like a humongous tarp like the millennium falcon. Oh man, a good old-fashioned space tarp?

Oh, that's garbage. So it turns... It'll do. It turns out they've got to go on this rescue mission to save all these hostages that noob Saibot has on that planet. Including now we're talking, David. Warner. Yeah, that's right. His second

Star Trek appearance. So they send... Isn't his first? Isn't the second one in Undiscovered Country? Oh, that's right. He plays a whatever in a... He's the commission? I thought he played a Klingon at one. He is the Klingon in Undiscovered Country. Wait, I'm sorry. He's not the same character? No, no. He's

basically just whatever. He's the main Klingon, the one who gets shot through the chest in Undiscover Country. Oh, weird. I like that. But he's a Terran or a human in this movie, and And he's kind of hanging out. This planet Nimbus 3, I guess, is like a joint venture between the Klingons, the Romulans, and the humans.

Yeah. And, well, the Federation. Yeah. And it's like, you know, it's not off to a great start. You're trying to make this, like, it's like the planet of unending peace or whatever, but it's like a real shithole. You know, the whole planet's just a gross desert. We do see, like, the bar that this takes place in. We are wishing it's a cantino, by the way.

Paradise City? Oh, is that what it's called? Yeah. Jim, you know, Guns and Roses. Take me down to the Paradise City. Spock, welcome to the jungle. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, knees. But it's, but it's...

And the girls are pretty. They got cat strippers, Jim. Jim, I'm stuck in the cold November. Bahrain. But they are, it's basically Reno to Mos Isley's Las Vegas. That's right. You know, it's very accurate. It's very shitty. Yeah, there's, it's, it's Mosaspa. And we're just, we're just praying nobody's asking any questions. Because everyone's, there's, there is a cat stripper to Eric's point, which makes no sense. And this plant, this plant is also, I want, uh, I'll do a gene, but I want cat strippers with, uh, three breasts. Is that what's happening? Yeah.

Because Shatner, one drunken night, saw Total Recall and was like, That's the best idea I've ever seen. Gotta, get me some of those. Cats, now and forever. With three tits. All right, because that was on Broadway. And then he saw Total Recall, and he was like, let's combine them. What a day for Shatner, man.

He catches a matinee of cats, and then he walks downtown, sees Total Recall. Pretty, pretty nice day in the city. And then he finishes it off while watching PBS like, yeah, that guy could be in my movie. Yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, yeah, he won't show me up. I met with Paul Verhoeven. Kind of weird.

Man, if Paul Verhoeven directed a Star Trek movie, by the way. So Cybok shows up to this Paradise City, by the way. And did we say it's Nimbus 3? Yes. Okay. All right. I never understand. I mean, look, I guess, like, the ideas are so many freaking planets.

you've got to start numbering them. But, like, I don't know. I don't want to live on Nimbus 3, man. Like, I want my own planet name. Well, it's better than Nimbus 4. You can't afford the rents on Nimbus, dude. But that's the thing. Is there a Nimbus 1 if there's a Nimbus 3?

There has to be, yeah. There are a Nimbai all over the place. The Nimbai? Also, though, I think, like, now we number planets. Like, whenever somebody's finding a planet, it's like 28-47-A, and then they inevitably name it after some day person. I always thought there's Earth 2 somewhere, right? Right? Yeah. Isn't that something?

Is that an official? Yeah, that's in VC comments. Yeah, it's an alternate universe. See, that exists. So at Nimbus, oh, you know why? Because Nimbus 3 takes place. I guess there is Earth 2 and Nimbus 3. Sure. The numbers get all jangling with it. Oh, I see.

Right. So that's why the Green Lantern lives on Nimbus 3, right? Is that where he's from? No, he's from Earth. Oh, right. He's from OA. OA. OA. OA one?

No, just OAA general, man. There's only one OA. OA general. I mean, just OA in general. No, I'm picturing a Green Lantern hospital soap opera. Oh, I like this idea. Gorilla Grod at the receptionist desk. I was just going to say, it's just Green Lantern going crazy, and he green lanterns all the patients, and it's just him going mad in the hospital.

It's like shock corridor. Yeah, a little bit. Oh, now we're talking. Eric, talk to me about this after, but we'll pitch it. you and me. We'll go rogue. Those ideas suck. Me and you. We're going rogue. So, oh, by the way, they also, I guess, what is the, what is the goal of this planet, by the way? Like, that's what's never really specified. To waste time. I mean, we've got to have a place to go to in this movie. These ever-important representatives and whatnot. I think it is just because, you know, the Klingon, I guess we're at peace with the Klingons for the most part at this point. And we're at peace with the Vulcans.

so I guess it's like the idea is like this is like you know everybody's going to try it out on one on Nimbus 3 you know we'll start with Nimbus 3 see how that goes well it's also I think it's a thing though where it's like a planet in the neutral zone we need everybody here watching

everybody else because we don't trust each other welcome to space Switzerland so what's his face Sibok comes in with a gun and like hijacks all these dudes and basically we're in a hostage crisis and the only people that can stop are people that are actually currently on vacation with a broken ship

that happened to be 85 years old. It doesn't make any sense. Send someone decent to try to save this. Captain Harriman, right? He's probably in the service at this point. Captain John Harriman, I'm sure he's around. Or maybe he's a commander at this point. He hasn't yet.

Well, he turns out to be the captain of the Enterprise B at the beginning of Star Trek generations. That gets fucking destroyed. What's it like, Alan Rock? Alan Rock plays him. Yeah. I mean, but the thing is, it's not, here's what you. If you need it to be a thing where it's like we need Jim Kirk,

Sybock has to be like, get me James T. Kirk. Yes. But as it stands, he's like, I've got David Warner hostage. Get anyone to take care of this. So they break into the vacation. Sulu and Chekhov are like, I guess like, are they still like pulling pranks on it? Oh, no, meet us at that rock. Hey, bones, let's go to another rock.

No, no, no. guaranteed those three were on one trip and these motherfuckers weren't even invited. No way, dude. No way. Sulu getting invited to a Kirk vacation. Please. Yeah, that's, you do get a nice end George Takai

at the beginning of the credits. It should be end begrudgingly George Takai. Totally. So why are they even at Yosemite? Is it just like, like, well, they are going there. So free lift, free lift, I guess. I mean, I don't want to see the captain, but I don't want to pay for my own trip. That is, I think this is where we're going.

I think that's what's happening. And we'll drop you off here. Don't go in the, that senior officer bunk, don't go there. Get your own ride home. So, yeah, basically they're lost, too, is the idea, because they're just comical characters. I guess so. And, you know, I don't care about. about Chekhov.

I never did. But Sulu, man. Sulu is not a buffoon. And they make him buffoonish in this film. Well, they're like, oh, and like, because O'Hura's trying to get them. And by the way, O'Hura's fucking Scotty. When did that happen? When did that start?

When did that end? And what's the middle of it? I guess she got a good look at one of those whales in the last movie. What's the human equivalent? Oh, yeah. I don't know, man. But yeah, you're going from the landmark history-making first interracial kiss on television

to fucking the fat engineer below deck. It just, it must have been like an off-hours, like, oh, I just needed to clear my head. I had to get off the bridge. Oh, hey, Scotty. Yeah. Or maybe she, and then it's like, oh, Montgomery. Like, you know, here we go.

It's really just like we're trying to give these characters something to do. Anything. Anything. And, you know, someone's got to be fucking. But they don't even. have any like they have no sexual chemistry it's not like you know there's not like a bathtub scene where she's shaving him like in uh in nemesis it's just like she touches his face a couple times like oh i don't have time right now and you know what scotty you make time yeah yes seriously

if you want this to work you make time for o'ura she's getting on in years you just got five aces brother why don't you just take it and run i got a fold the captain needs me doing work down here while they're all on vacation. Well, I feel like, yeah, Scotty just has, like, an abnormal amount of money for some reason. Like, he seems like a third husband, if there ever was one. He's been squirreling it away, you think? Oh, I come down to my timeshare. On Nimbus 1.

I got two boats. And that's why she never talks to him about the food, by the way. No, no, no. Fried food? Another fried fish tonight again. Well, no, there is one scene where she brings, he's working so hard to get these daughters working or whatever. And she brings him like a bag of potato chips. Oh, yeah.

Oh, right. It's just like these like silver bags. And she's like, I got us dinner. And you're like, you're supposed to like imagine what space food is. Because he's super excited about it. And I feel like to get this dude super excited about something he's going to eat, it's got to be marvelous. Because like this guy has seen his fair share of chip bags. Or maybe it's like what you could do for dog food

where you can spray it with a bacon scent. That's disgusting. So they basically check off and Sulu pretend that they're in the middle of a blizzard, which doesn't make any sense because they're very clearly in Yosemite and like, you know, who is like, well, actually, I can tell that, you know, you're just in New Yosemite. 75 and Sonny or whatever she says. And then you're supposed to laugh, but then you don't. And then you're stuck here

You're stuck in the scene Then you go back to the concession stand And maybe check it one more time Maybe they got something new there Maybe by the time I get to the bathroom I can force a pee They could have refilled the dips Yeah, could have fulfilled them by now

Oh I did regret not getting that cinnamon powder For my popcorn I could go back So then they pick up Kirk Spock and Bones And this is only to have Kirk to wear jeans on the bridge. Could we start talking a little bit about

two things that I'm not a fan of? One, which is the red outfits, which I don't like. I like them. I'm sorry, the maroon outfit. That's right. That's right. I think it's more of a red than a maroon. I think you've got to fix your TV.

Wait, is it? No, no, it's burgundy. Yeah, it's a... All right, we can settle on a burgundy. Did space become considerably colder? Why are we always... It's always been cold. What?

They used to... to wear, like, polyester shirts and, like, you know, spandex pants and just kind of hanging out. In that first movie, they're wearing, like, sorries or something. I mean, they are, it's, it's some thin fabric. I prefer that. The thing is now with AC technology progressing, it's, because, hey, stuff progresses even in Star Trek. That's true. Even in wardrobe.

I think it's more like, hey, bones, are you always cold? I feel like, once I got to a certain age, I'm always cold. This is what I'm getting at. Like, maybe, like, Starfleet regulation is now everything feels like. Like, you know, like a cold TV studio. Oh, yeah. You know, you got to button up. So you're wearing this like turtleneck thing.

And then everyone's, like, but like the cool thing about the original show is the red, the green, the yellow, the blue. Also, as they age. Green? Well, Kirk had that like off-duty shirt. Oh, right. Actually, what was in, I think in the early. Which I don't want to see William Shatner in that fucking rap shirt now. I agree.

I think in the early episodes that were they, that was like the command. And then they changed it out. Oh, okay. And then he became yellow. Yeah. I always just, I mean, I just always assumed Kirk has a man the legend t-shirt underneath that thing. They're also getting older and they're getting fatter. So you want to have some more layers to hide that up.

I know all about that. I never really had a problem with this. I mean, it kind of looks cool. Like, I like the variety of palate personally. Well, they, yeah. The old uniform was just a long. You prefer a long-sleeve t-shirts? Yeah.

You prefer a long-sleeve t-shirts. Steve prefers his space voyagers to be in baseball, three-quarter t-s at all time. Steve just wants to be in his pajamas in outer space. Absolutely. Why wouldn't that? Who am I getting dressed up for? What a fucking disgrace to Starfleet? You are already.

What? It breathes like Romulan cotton. A green-blooded Vulcan doesn't sweat. Doctor, I am half-human, so I half-sweat. The other thing is. the carpeting, which I have a big problem with. Like, come on, Shatter's head. Doesn't match the drais.

No, there's carpet. It's like the inside of the enterprise is like a fucking inside of an astrovan in this movie, man. Dude, I know, here's the thing. Every single set in Star Trek history, you know, I'm talking even TNG, this especially, it looks like the inside of a video store. Oh, yeah. I could see, I could see Craig's picks on the wall and it would look fucking normal.

It's like a weird carpet. It's like a. disgusting weird purple wall with like you can tell they can just put shelves in it any time. Well it's also it gets more confusing with this movie because they started sharing sets with TNG Yeah. So they really? Oh yeah

Like the sick bay is just The sick bay from the TNG show. I'm sorry, carpeting that place smells. Oh yeah You know people are spilling stuff all over the place. I don't see one single Rumba going around. And you know Kirk's smoking day in, day out

I just don't show it. Oh, yeah. yeah that's there needs to be more casual smoking in these that would be really weird in the future well it's weird with him wearing now he's wearing jeans on the bridge when he comes in and a t-shirt with a slogan on it i love it i don't want to get too into the slash fiction theories but there is a good kirk and spock might be fucking because like they're in the elevator together yes and kirk is just like man i could use a shower and like he says it to spock and He's box, like, so? I think he says, yes.

Yeah, like, we're trying to make these jokes again. Let me get those jeans off you. I'll tell you, and Shatner is sporting some thigh-hugging dungarees, man. I love them. They're dad jeans. They look pretty sharp. I like the high-rise, got to say. Does they have a pleaded creased in these jeans?

Oh, that might be. He's ironing them? He's ironing them? Or he's got those jeans. with like elastic spandex waist. That might be. Oh, Jiggings, we're saying? No, just those jeans.

It's jeans, but the waistband is like elastic, you know. I need room to re. So we go, basically, the admiral's like, look, you're the only one in the world that can do this. Even though your ship is broken, even though you were on vacation, even though you're a million years old. And you're an asshole. Bottom line, you're an asshole. In the background, everything's breaking. I think I spotted two guys.

trying to drag a fax machine out of that shot. I don't know why that was in the shot. It's just the guy from office space. I think there's a Xerox machine. Someone's moving around in the background at one point. Oh, that might be. Well, you know, there's documentation. So they go, and Spock notices from the terrorist video.

It's like, you know, it's the 80s that we're Iran-contraing a little bit. Oh, I mean. And that's heavy duty in the next one, too, the whole like, oh, we have to make peace with the Klingon. Well, the next. We do. The next movie is a legitimate political thriller set in the Star Trek world. I actually, I love that movie.

It's awesome. This is not that. This movie is a hodgepodge of nonsense garbage. Speaking of nonsense garbage, Spock's like, oh, I think that's my brother that I've never invented yet. Well,

he hides it from them, though, because, like, he goes and hides out on, like, this room that's magically on this new enterprise where there's, like, a big old wooden steering ship, and a ship's wheel or whatever you want to call it.

And wood paneling everywhere. Oh, yeah. It's like, it's the Enterprise Dad Room is the situation we're working with. And he goes down there and Kirk and it's like, Kirk and Bones, they're like little dogs with each other, man. Like wherever one goes, the other two fucking tag along. And they're like, hey, what's going on? And he tells this long story about, you know, this Vulcan who didn't take his like emotion crushing, you know, pledge and everything. and, like, he was excommunicated, conveniently leaves off the detail that it's his brother.

We just let that go for another 40 minutes. Spock is, like, the varsity football player at the party, and his little brother's drunk and just making the scene in the mouth of the house. How old are. Look at this jerk. Geez, who knows this guy? I saw him at a soccer game, and he seemed like a loose cannon. Hey, Spock! Oh, my God.

How does he? know my name. I heard your brother was crying yesterday. Ew. Ew is right. So basically they go there and like... They go to Nimbus 3. They go to Nimbus 3.

See the Space Marines. Finally, Gene Rodenberry's vision realized. And what we're doing, by the way, and this is a really stupid detail. We've got this shuttle that they're going to go down with because we are not paying for beam technology until like the third act of this movie. But we're also just stealing from that's the same shuttle from TNG right? They just painted it differently. They painted it differently and they named it Galileo and wrote it in cursive on the side of the shuttle. Like it's a sign from some shitty nightclub. Are there two? Because one's Copernicus.

The one I'm thinking of is Galilee. It's just got this dumb logo on it. It's like honestly like the font to a bad stand-up comedy special. If Galileo was doing a stand-up comedy special in the 90s, that's how they would write it. Galileo back in town. These are, like, tricked out vans. They kind of are. They really are.

And when they're a rockin, you don't come a knocking. It's like you'd put a name, you know, on like your shitty boat that you bought. You know, like, so that's what they're doing. But it's like, for a space organism, you don't need this. You're just like, it's all computers.

Yeah. You don't need to be painting the name on a side of a boat. I know. I understand. why shuttles exist, but come on. Yeah. Let's just start beam it. If teleportation technology exists, there might not even be need for ships.

Well, when you get in this situation where, you know, your, your transporter's broken, as it always is. But, like, normally, they should only use this to, like, help someone move. You're right, Steve. It should be, like, deep space nine, space ports just all through the, like, put me to sleep. My God. Disablish the chips. That would really be an entertaining. thing for me to watch, Steve, thank you.

You got me, Chris. How about Star Trek without the Trek? Has anyone done that? Star Trek. Snoose button. I think they realized that, though, because let me tell you... When you start watching that show, they start using that wormhole an awful lot. And then they make their own ship.

The Defiant, they're like, ah, we've got to start fucking moving. They had to. They had to, because otherwise it's Star Trek in a fucking condominium building. So we're doing this the Tuesday before Star Trek would be on. comes out. That's correct. Here's a question. Because we haven't, you know, there's a lot of mystery behind who Idris Elba plays. And we haven't seen it yet. Could this be this version of the Ferengi? Maybe he's just a big fucking Ferengi. Well, didn't they show him in the trailer? Isn't he the guy underneath the white, the crazy white pink? Maybe that's what a Ferengue is. Maybe he's just a space bartender. Maybe he's like, really like, he's threatening Kirk. I guess if Khan is Benedict Cumberbatch, really anything could be anything now. You know what, maybe... Edra's Elba is a farangy. Yeah, he's a farangy bartender.

Kirk and the gang did a dine and dash. I'll make you plead for stepping out on your bill. Or whatever I'm doing in this movie. You ordered bottle service. You didn't even give me a tip. Dude, if he's a farangie, I'm walking out of your theater. I'm walking right out. Are you doing a loud walkout?

This is bullshit. Fuck a for rangie! Just storming out Making a scene I don't think he's right No he's not But I mean Whatever

We will see that movie He could be He could be Also why are we making up New Gleap Globbs You gotta see your fucking Gleap Globbs to work with I like the

I'm interested to see What the white lady Is gonna be up to What her deal is Whatever her name is I don't Wait The one that looks like

She just came From Hellboy To the Golden Army That one Oh yes Yes Anne Hathways In this marie

So Sulu, Kirk, Spock, and Ahura and a mess of space marines Getting this dumb shuttle They have to land like a mile outside of town And how are we going to get there? Oh cool, these space horses with horns on them are there So many horned space horses And the only way we can get them away from Cybox goons Who are ill-defined and not really explained

Is to do a Bugs Bunny gag Where O'Hura dances like a sexy lady And everyone like flocks to her Like you're a fucking, you're a mile away from a whorehouse Like honestly, you can wait Listen, these are for all those guys, those sensible dudes That don't want to be fucking these cat people They're like, hey, I heard a rumor that there's a lady out on a dune

Whoa, and she's human? Yeah, you don't have to get clawed at. You mean I don't have to move a tail when I do something? Something? Yeah. Yeah. She's a real human. She's dancing out on the dunes. She's singing a tune. You know, I always wanted to have sex with a human. The rarest kind. Also, by the way, these dudes are calling themselves the galactic army of light in case anyone's paying attention. That's just wonderful. That could be anyone. I feel like there's 70 of those in Star Trek probably. Well, it's such a cult name, though. We are the galactic army of light. I did get a very much.

very like hellbop branched divinian vibe that's what Chattner was going for but this movie is a mess like he said that he modeled Cybok after a televangelist and the televangelist movement blah blah blah blah blah blah blah but it's not here

it's not in this movie no it's and I feel like there's so much stuff that you can cut out and add things to support what is a cool idea like this fucking space cult man that's awesome but no no we got to have Sulu and Chekhov lost

in the forest fucking pretending that the wind is blowing. That was like five seconds. Man, that was five seconds in my life I'll never get back.

But there is 20 minutes of row, row, row, row your boat. To be fair. At least 20 minutes of row, row, row. Merrily, merrily, merrily, I forgot it was actually

limpisc. Actually, if Shatner did do a cover of ro ro roe your boat, it probably would be 20 minutes long. To be fair. Ro. Row.

Roe. Row your boat. Okay, get to it. I love you to be the engineer on his rocket man thing. Just get to it. That's where you yellow figure it out from the control room. Figure it out. So, yeah, we go there.

They ambush these guys. They steal their space horses. And Shatner apparently, like, it's hilarious. He was trying to teach Nimoy how to ride a horse. And Nimoy's like, I've been riding a horse since before you were fucking born. Because he did all those, like, you know, he played an engine quite a bit way back when. Right, right, right. Yeah, he was on a lot of the Western TV shows and whatnot.

Oh, shit, did you ever come across? Artemis? No, the... Jim West? John Wayne. John Wayne. Oh, that might be. Saw the Duke once on a set.

He pretty much ignored me. He flicked his cigarette at me. Told me to Am Scray. Is that clear? So they storm this Nimbus 3's Reno, Nevada. It's called Paradise, but somebody did a little bit of a graffiti because epic poetry goes all over the galaxy from America. Paradise Lost? Is there a question mark there?

I don't know if there's a question mark, but it does say Lost. But it does get you thinking. Yeah, that's true. It is stimulating my brain this movie. So we've got like a little bit of a fight here This is 30 some odd minutes in The first hint of action At least

The first hint of it Yeah also I guess we got to say that there's Some random Klingon That's going through the galaxy that's hot Cold on their tails You know what Eric? We forgot about it Just like the movie pretty much Captain Claw by the way

Captain Claw Well it's like KLAA but when you say it It's claw Oh okay well that makes it son. Does he have his PhD by any chance? And this guy's,

this guy's a... I'll get you next time, Kirk. This guy's a galactic loser. He's flying around the galaxy and at one point he's, he shoots just a random satellite. Oh, yeah. And I just want to mention this

because I think, I didn't go back to check, but I think the satellite cries. Oh, yeah, I heard of the noise. Oh, that's stupid. I mean, that's the equivalent of getting... I'm a stop of dying. It's the equivalent of driving around and breaking up mailboxes, right?

Like a little bit wasted. That's exactly what the youths do. And it makes total sense because this Klingon is like, you know, the high school football star that, like, hurt his knee and didn't go anywhere. And now he's just driving around town, getting drunk, breaking mailboxes with baseball bats. He sure is. So, you know, we introduced this guy. And then the whole thing's like, oh, a lady assisted that does not. Like, you think that they kind of establish this crew where you're like, oh, they're going to fight.

And, like, there's, like, this lady that's, like, kind of menacing. And you're like, maybe she'll do something at some point in this movie. But they also, also the other thought you're having is like, but I thought Cybock, Army of Galactic Light. Yeah. That's it. Why do I need these Klingons? Again with the Klingons to quote the Simpsons. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so. Here's how you could have developed that cult is leave these fucking Klingons. on's out of it. Yes, exactly, because they actually don't do much, but they kind of nothing. They do a little, they do nothing. There's a little bit of, uh, and cling on about nothing. It's just such a waste. And his whole thing, he's like, I'm tired of blowing up satellites. And the lady who's like this bodybuilder. Yeah. It's just like, oh, well, say, I see on the radar that the enterprise has just been dispatched to

Nimbus 3. And he's like, oh, murdering the most famous Starfleet captain of all time sounds like a great plan. Which was a difficult scene to do because as he said that, William Shatner was always jerking off. So it was hard to conclude. Is he just going to do? Yeah, he, yes, he's just going to do that. Whenever you talk about his Star Trek character, he gets hard. And he doesn't yell cut until he finishes. Traditionally, he yells, come, doesn't cut. Still doing it. come every single shot in the movie instead of saying cut

he said come I believe it or just a good yeah that's it are you smoking a cigarette you can stop reading your lines now stop waving so in true Kirk fashion

just jam it in and get it done he like storms this compound with like I don't know 10 people he has No idea how many people are actually in this facility. And this action scene is pretty much okay. It's fine.

In a complimentary way. It's a good... That was a high compliment. Pretty much okay. It is, though. William Shatner bench presses a catwoman and throws her into a pool. Dude, the physical prowess. How about we do like an aging Charles Bronson thing?

Like, I can't get it up anymore, but I can still kill you. I could go for Charles Bronson in this movie. Oh my God, Charles Bronson as Cybok. That's the move. Oh, welcome this. Please welcome my army of galactic light. Well, I guess the problem was using a Vulcan with emotion and that didn't work. You're happy.

Yeah, I am. You're sad. Sure. Through the roof. Hey, I'm thrilled. Happy to be here. Cybok. The most important thing, and Wikipedia is confirm this for me, thankfully.

It's the largest Vulcan nerve pinch in history because Spock doesn't do a horse. Did anyone see this? No. Spock Vulcan nerve pinches a horse and the horse falls down. Oh, that's pretty cool. Did he do with both hands? No, he just doesn't want a one shot, man. Wow.

That's pretty dope. You know what? This movie's kind of worth it just for that. Does he then also like do it to the dude? No, I guess the guy falls over. It's kind of like blazing saddles punching the horse. But it's a Vulcan nerve pinch to a horse. So then like they go in to save these.

three captors, but what we don't know is that Saibok has this mind control ability. But it's so ill-define. He just basically, like, when he takes away your pain, you are compelled to serve him. And I thought, like, towards the middle or maybe even the end of the movie, they would definitively say it's mind-control

or it's not, but they don't. Boy, you would think so, huh? You'd think they'd sort of straighten that all out. So Saibok takes these dudes captive, and it's like, you know what I'm going to do now? we're going to steal the Enterprise. Because they do. Sure. Which I'm like, hey,

smells like something Khan did one time. Does not Khan steal the Enterprise in that second movie? Yeah, he does. He steals the shuttle first, and then they go into the Enterprise. And, oh, Chekhov is playing Captain, which is kind of adorable.

Well, you know that Walter Koenig was like, well, my only time that I'll get to do this, I guess it's Chekhov is pretending that he's a captain. I'm puppet captain. I mean, Captain Chekhov. I say puppet because I'm a puppet for cook and I look like a puppet. Time for me. Wow, he does look like a puppet.

Especially that big chair. Yeah. Rankin and Bass's Chekhov. Say, Woody. How do you like being a Starfleet captain? It's time for me to take the crown. He's so sad. He's like, oh, I will tell you where to get off.

Mr. Seibok is me, Captain Chekhov. I'm not laughing in the background. I'm not negotiating with a ventriloquist dummy come to life. What an insult. Whatever. It's hilarious. But Chekhov lets them on. And there's this scene on the bay, which is kind of important, where, like, Spock can kill Cybeck and put this whole thing to rest.

Right. And Kirk goes, Which is kind of funny. It was great. It's a low-rent con screen. It is. They're trying to recapture that magic. They really are desperately trying to recapture it.

And Spock doesn't. And for some reason, Sybock puts Kirk, Spock, and Bones in their own little prison cell. Yeah, they're in the brig. They're in the brig. But he basically mind controls the rest of the cast, which gives the cast. Here's the thing. People will talk shit about this new Abrams movies. But at least they always figure out, like, okay, we've got eight characters.

Every one of them needs to be doing something at all times. Yes. This one's going to help this one. That one's going to help that one. This one's going to get the ship going. They're all really well-paced. Those movies are insanely well. Like, the whole thing works. And, like, that was probably my biggest problem with these original run is their paste like shit.

That's the 70s. Yeah, I mean, it's an 80s thing specifically. Yeah. A little bit of leeway there. But in the same term, it's like, there's this thing where, like, they don't care about the rest of the characters. Everyone else is standing around their hands in their pockets. It's the entire movies while watching the three characters that you're allowed to talk. I mean, like, generally these first two Abrams movies are like the Kirk and Spock show for the most part.

Sure. But there's enough equal weight given to the rest of them. Like Bones is doing stuff. Yeah, but this is like, all right, gather around Uhura, Chekhov and Sulu. All at once, I'm going to off-screen mind control you. And then you're just going to be like my henchmen. and that's it They must have gotten a lot of

cutting room floor It has to have been Also there's just a random shot Just to sure Scotty's still around He bumps his head and has Presumably a concussion And falls over Oh right

That's how he gets captured by sideback Because they take him to sick bay But for some reason He doesn't get mind controlled either So inside the brig It comes out that obviously Spock's brother the whole time Blah blah blah

Right They escape somehow Scotty blows a hole the door. This is another one of those, like, it's an antiquated form of communication known as Morse code. And Scottie's like, Scotty types out or like knocks out like stand back. And they're like, again, because we're just supposed to be laughing our nuts off. Stand back. Stand back. And then like the wall just blows a hole in it. And they're like looking at him. And he's like, what are you standing around for? Don't you know a jail break when you see one? And then he immediately,

He immediately hits his head on a beam and falls over. Every way you want it. That's the way you need it. So what? So let's dance. Rodney is Cybok. Sign me the fuck. Oh, sure. My brother over there is a big,

a big fucking robot. My brother gets any more excited. He's going to jump out of his own coffin. Oh. Oh, that would be great. Or he's like a Starfleet Admiral. I'm just thinking of... Oh, yeah.

Hey, Kirk, doesn't it make you upset that I was able to rise to these ranks and you're back to being a captain? Admiral, you keep talking about how your wife won't have sex with you, but she's been dead for 20 years. It's a fucking joke, you robot. That's up ruin of my bit. That doctor doesn't sound very professional at all, Admiral. Nice uniform. They must give you a free bowl of soup with that. So they basically get kidnapped, they get captured again. There's some more rocket boots which are fun.

Well, now because what we're doing is, because Scotty, like, blows this hole in the brig and we're running through, like, the intertunnels of the Enterprise. They kind of leave him for dead at this point, right? Like, he gets knocked out and they're like, yeah, all right. Well, they don't notice them. No one's going to drag 300 pounds. That's also true. We're trying to escape. something here. But, like, they're like, all right, thanks for the help, Scott.

And he's like, all right, better go back to fixing the fucking ship already. And, like, they part ways again. I just have this image of bones, like, wrapping a rope around him and, like, carrying him over the shoulder like a rock. Not happening. No, not happening.

Maybe, maybe Spock's got, like, super strength kind of. Had an easier time building the pyramids, Jim. At this point, they're captured in the den. And then, like, he basically comes into mind brain control whatever the fuck you finally see like what

everyone else has been going through because that's the thing until this scene in the movie all these people are just like clicking over like yeah all right Saibach you seem pretty cool but you don't like see what he's doing because they're not characters they're just only characters that have existed for 30 years at this point that are really incredibly popular that you only get to see

every five years exactly so why would you give them anything to do that's right so this is like we're standing and we're in the dad room of the enterprise again and it's just like all of a sudden this old dude like on a bed shows up and like all the lights go dim and the makeup on this dude and the movements he's doing he looks like an atromic dummy he looks like a depressing chucky cheese and he's just like instead of bears playing the banjo it's his old dude struggling to live hey we're going to sing a song about euthanasia

and that is what happens because pull the plug pull the plug If there's any way to teach kids about compassion It's through animatronic robots Probably the best acting in the movie is DeForest Kelly right here I was kind of into this scene I mean it's stupid And basically like he basically kills his dad Because his dad's like I'm a thousand years old

Cause it's space Yeah please kill me And I have a space disease Blah Blah Blah Blah Blot Oh daddy And he kills him And then like And then Sybock's like

Then what happened? And he's like They found a fucking cure the same next day. Man, that burns, bones. That burns. But come on. How much longer can that guy live when he

looks like that? That's true. I mean, what do you get in? A year? Is there, like, maybe the drug is so good. Like, people who were like that are now doing backflips. They're being younger. They're having sex with cats. They're climbing

rocks for some reason. I almost died. Then I got this cured. I can climb a mouth. So that happens. And then like, but Bones doesn't get brainwashed by it? No, Bones does. And it's like, it works. And he's like, Jim, it's great. You gotta give it a shot. I'm high as a kite right now. And then he's, and then Sybock's like, all right, Spock, it's your turn. And then Spock's just like, and it's so stupid of Cybock. Like, he should understand that this isn't going to fly. And he's just like, I believe we're watching the scene of my birth. And then like, it happens. And you see, Sarah, he comes in. It's. not the same Sarah because it's a different dude and he's just like he's like yeah look at that

looks pretty human to me and you're supposed to be like oh my god that's heart wrenching and Spock's like yeah that happened so what and then that's like that's like the end of it and the whole thing like breaks it doesn't work no imagine Spock in therapy

and she's like well didn't that make you feel no it made me feel like nothing it's illogical why am I here again it's just you had a freak out two weeks ago this is the star it's the star fleet's manual three month therapy session just need to cool you down and then like it like kirk refuses to do he's like no i refuse which is like that doesn't make me a man a man needs pain the human needs pain yeah it's like okay yeah i'm watching the movie

and so then like sidewalks just one of those days wait a one of a week a don't give a fuck Everybody sucks. Three dollar bill, y'all. Makes you want to break stuff. And I'm going to break your fucking head tonight. And then Sybach's like, all right, screw it. Let's go, Bones. And then, like, the two of them are hanging back.

And Seibok does mention earlier in the movie, he's like, I've been trying to crack these three, like, nuts. But their friendship is so strong. I can't get past it. Or whatever it is. And then Bones is just like, No, I think I want to stay with my friends, I guess. And it's like, well, this whole thing was for nothing.

So basically nothing in this movie. And Cybok's whole thing is, I got to go to God who's in this part of the galaxy that's passed a great barrier that no one's ever crossed, et cetera, et cetera. That we're going to get to shockery. Shockery, that's right. What? That's the name of the planet. It is, well, like the, the Vulcan lore. Restaurant planet, or something?

Welcome to Shokaree. They make guacamole at the table. It's great. You guys are going to love Shokker. That does sound like heaven. Oh, my God, I drank too many frozen mudslides at Shokkeri last night. I was late for work this morning. Not quite as good as the ones at Shokoree 12, though.

But in, like, I guess, Vulcan mythology, Shokaree is like a heaven-esque type place. So this dude, this idiot, cybock, you fucking moron, is like, all we have to do is get past the great barrier that's in the center of the universe, the center of the galaxy or whatever. Sure. And there's going to be, this is where God is. It's going to be great. Trust me. There's a timeshare there. You are going to love it.

It's blowjob heaven. Don't worry about it. We're going to blowjob heaven. A man doesn't need pain, but a man could appreciate blowjob heaven. So he's saying there's a whole planet full of blowjobs. What's a walking blowjob? What does that mean? That's roll.

A strolling blowjob. Like, what? A sentient blowjob? What are we talking about here? Dude, it's Star Trek, anything is possible. That's probably in Shatner's draft that got cut. They're like, you know, no. The blowjob talks a bit much.

So it's like, I class it up. I call it Felicio. I found out that Shokoree, is the Klingon word for blowjob heaven. It is dishonorable to get a blowjob in heaven. Fight me or whatever. Whatever you say, Wharf. You're missing out, Warf.

It's fucking great, man. Come out inside. Stop hanging out outside with your boombox. Dude, even Dana's getting a robot blowjob in there. Oh, sure. fully functional. We're so often reminded on that show. Yikes.

At least once a season, you're reminded that he's got a robo dick on that show. Hey, now that no one's listening, let's leave. So, and then this is the rest of the movie is like, all right, we're on track to go to heaven in the center of the universe. And don't forget those Klingons

are somewhere behind us. And the thing is, like, it would make sense like in the grand scheme of things, televangelists, et cetera, if there was fucking nothing there. Like, that would be kind of cool, right? Right. Oh, it's a scam.

Or if the Great Barrier was difficult to traverse, it's honestly, like, imagine going to work this morning. Whatever that was, that's going to fuck at the center of the goddamn universe. I mean, it's insane. They're like, oh, no ship has ever crossed through the Great Barrier before.

And then when you see it happening, they just hit a little bit of turbulence. It's like a little bit of space turbulence. And then nothing. You know what should be happening? It's like people are just getting taken off the enterprise. Like people just like disappearing. Oh, I like that idea.

How cool would that be? You're about to be taken. The great barrier is going to come for you. Get under the bend. And when you see the great barrier, describe it to me. Yell out any tattoos you might see on that great barrier. Oh, by the way, I know that I could totally be calling the police during this whole cool monologue I'm doing, but I'd rather kill everybody. So there

This is where we see It's like lightning and water Like these effects are kind of cool But not cool enough It kind of looks like the river of slime from Ghostbusters too I guess so yeah Just a little bit Which was coming out what two weeks later

Yeah Oh it trounce this movie Yeah And so then they just get there And there's like a planet It's like this little pink ball They're like hey look a planet That's cool

It's kind of a desert again Which is kind of shitty Because we were just in a desert Yeah, pretty much. A nice planet. Just one ice planet. Come on, guys. Ice planet would be nice.

Jungle planet. We get a nice planet at the next movie. Oh, that's right. The Klingon Prison Planet. There's also... Where Kirk's fucking that shapeshifter? That's going on, right? Oh, man, he's like doing nasty stuff.

And then it's like this thing with like 13 eyes. He's like, ooh. But at least she was a shapeshifter. Once I get to blow job heaven, this will be better. Did it all for the nook. Oh, he certainly did. God, do you remember the, like, Spock's sex kimono in undiscovered country oh yeah that's seen with

Kim control yep that is like the most disgusting thing I've ever seen is it okay well here's a question because like Spock's half brother who could care it was never explained in the in the show and even Kirk kind of calls bullshit on it's like that doesn't even make sense like wouldn't it be cool if it was like Spock's son like let's get more so or it's fucking everybody in the world anyway right like he's been that's pipe this whole for 40 years or yeah that's kind of been captain here and there. He's not talking about it much, though. He's a respectable gentleman. But why not, like, it's his son or it's his daughter? And, like, that's kind of cool.

Anything. And, like, just the fact that there's this. And it's not even like he didn't know it. Like, that's the whole thing is he's like, yeah, I knew I had this brother the whole time, Captain. And you're like, dude. Kirk's like, why didn't you say anything ever? And he's like, he's a half brother. Technically, you're right. I don't have a brother. I have a half brother. And everyone slaps their fore I told you you can't trust no green-blooded Vulcan I told you that I came into the world as a reject look into these eyes and you'll see the size of these flames dwell on the past burning up my brain

everyone that burns has learned from the pain hey think about the day my girly ran away when the fellas came to play no she stuck it with my homies that she fucked and I'm just a sucker with a lump in my throat like a chump, hey, should I be feeling bad? No, should I be feeling good?

No. It's kind of sad I'm the laughing stock of the neighborhood. You would think that I've been moving on, but I'm a sucker, like I said, now I fucked in the head. Not maybe, just maybe I made a mistake, Jim. I should give her a break.

My heart will ache either. Well, like, either away. Hey, what they're. the hell what you want for me to say i won't lie that i can't deny i did it all for the nuky the what the what come on so you could take that cookie and stick it up your yeah stick it up your yeah stick it up your falcon and that's that's as far as we're going go go run it all through did it all for the nuky hey now that nobody's listening Now we could speak frank.

It's just the three of us, man. Not even, one of us is not listening. Someone got taken. So we get to the planet and apparently the idea was Shatner had this idea it was going to be hell or a hell planet with a devil and demons and all sorts of shit. Sure. And then someone did the hand thing and that means the money. Yeah.

How are you pulling money away from Star Trek though? Because listen, the worst thing you can do to science fiction is make it low. budget man or a special or just keep it on the ship like you know what i mean like that's you don't need to set you can have a cool like ship to ship battle that's fun anything but we're on this planet and what's amazing is so they're like they're standing around and like cybox walking around he's all excited because he's on his little heaven planet and he's trying to find god and they're all walking kind of behind him and you can see the three you know bones uh spock and Kirkall go down with them and you can see them being like there's nothing here oh this is

embarrassing for Cybok oh Sybock oh and while they're trying to like figure out what to say to Sybach to break the news Sybach does a I still know what you did last summer and he's like what are you waiting for come on God and then like there's like a little bit of rumbling and then this planet very magically and this is the magic of movies you guys this huge planet this desert turns into a tiny little soundstance

because like these like rock ribs come out of the ground and like Fred flintstones yabababooing all over the place they're made out of styrofoam it's so terrible looking and then out of the mist hillbilly and hash

but like the lights and like everything turns black and they're just magically on this soundstage. It's so cheap. Apparently, there was a rock monster that was supposed to exist. It's a rock monster. It gets to be huge. It was reminding me of God, good God.

Speak about the Nookie. But it was reminded me of Galaxy Quest for a minute here. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Because the rock monster, they filmed scenes, it just looked like shit and they cut it. Like, basically it didn't work right or something. Yeah, you know what else didn't work right? The Shark and Jaws, they figured it out, though.

Or the rest of the movie, or Cybok. Or the fucking row, row, row your boat trilogy. So then it's just like the face of some dude that looks like an old, old dude. He turns into a, like he does like a god montage. It's like God through the years. Oh, that's right. One of them looks like Andros from Starfights. He's a many-faced god.

oh and like when he comes up it's just this old bastard with a beard and he's just like stereotypical god whatever what do you want that's what this being even says to them he's like perhaps this visage is one you're most familiar with and i'm like yeah old white guy yeah that's what they've been telling us lock it in saddle up lock and low oh bad but but the weird thing is like it basically it comes to pass very clearly that he is a being that has been stuck on this planet forever and he wants to get off, which is a much

better, I think this has happened already at this point that cool episode of Star Trek, where Tasha Yard dies, that puddle of slime that kills her? Yes, that oil monster. That thing is a much a better actor. It's be more convincing because it's like, it's just it's filled with hate. It's like so

viscerally something. It's a thing that like affects them and it's not just like talking to them like clearly trying to trick them. Yeah. Also like the slime. Yeah, it's just, but this guy is just like, hi, I'm God. Bring your ship closer. I will use this starship. It's one of the greatest William Shatner lines.

He's like, what does God need with a starship? And then they're like, shut up, it's God. He's like, no, no, no, no. What does God need with a starship? And they're like, well, you're kind of right, Kirk. And then he gets eye blasted and everyone's like, oh. And then they're like, oh, we're going to see that in Ghostbusters 2 in a few weeks. God, smitten with your chair.

Nimoy goes up to, Jim, if anyone ever asks, if you're a god, you say yes, it is totally logical. Yeah, so this alien just wants to like fuck the enterprise. And then basically the alien's like, oh, and then Bones was like, how could you hurt him? No God would ever hurt a man? And it's like, well, I don't know. Especially my gym. Have you read the Old Testament lately? I did a lot of fucked up shit in that.

And then it's like, you know, Cybock, I guess, realizes the score. And he's like, all right, I got an idea. Let's do my weird brainwashing thing on this alien. And he's like, how's your pain? How's your pain feeling? Let me see it. And he, like, jumps into this thing. And then it's just this dude fighting himself for a little bit.

Because the head turns into Cybeck. And he's like, how about that? You're like, looking at that. You're looking at yourself, huh? And then it's like this community theater actor strangling himself. And I'm asking for the check because I know it's ending soon. At this dinner theater. And then what's awesome is like Kirk via like authorizing fake Captain Chekhov,

like totally drone strikes this thing. Like they just shoot this alien from the enterprise itself. And presumably Saibat as well. Oh, Saibok gets it, dude. He's toast. Yeah, he's just peat. He's crispy critter, dude. And basically, Scott is like, oh, for a narrative convenience, only two people can be teleported back.

Oh, that's right. That's like, okay, whatever. So, Kirk, because not only is a badass, he's also completely selfless, which is a lie. Teleports both Spock and bones up to the thing. And now Kirk is literally fighting God, which is the entire point of this entire movie. Sure. That was the pitch. I'm sure that was the pitch.

Kirk is better than God I'll just need $100 million To prove it to you And to make Nothing that looks good Well that's what's funny though Is like this whole thing though Kirk just runs from this thing

Yeah Because it's it's really I mean it's so bad And it's this big floating head That just like zaps him with eyeball And he's kind of like every once in a while He just pops up like Remember me

And like tries to electrocute him And Kirk's like running through the desert They need to like really flesh this out at some point like what is this alien what is he doing yes because in that puddle of goo episode they explain it and it's like oh that's kind of a cool story like it's a puddle of goo that's

stuck on a thing that's actually omnipotent and terrible and full of hate that's neat I say you know just make him Zeus or whatever from the old Greek times and it's like all those Greek gods were real and they were assholes they weren't really gods they were just space monsters and we finally put one in jail but you can't do that

that's in Greek Star Trek oh man already I like Greek Star Trek. There's so much salty cheese on Greek Star Trek. It's all eating octopus. In the next generation, instead of being obsessed with tea, it's baklava.

Enuso. Everyone's a little heavier. But, you know, it's healthy. It's still a Mediterranean diet. Yeah, yeah. They all like swimming. They live forever. The hollow deck is just an olive tree. Federation credits don't mean a thing.

whatever so he's so there's there's like a horse shit thing where like these clingons come back you don't even see it though like because apparently while all this unless I went to the bathroom but like while Kirk is fighting God and he teleports them up this we come back to the enterprise and like everything's in disarray for some reason the clinic is that because the launch codes were up on a high shelf and Chekhov couldn't get him oh that could have been he's like stupid tiny Star Trek, get back here. Oh no, I can't get the missile codes for the torpedoes.

What was that? Torpedo. More than Greek Star Trek. It's all Greek to me, Jim. So there's some horseshit thing where, like, they've got this obese Klingon on board, and Spock's like, well, wouldn't this other Klingon, like, still listen to you? Because you outrank him, even though you're a fat, this Grace.

Everyone, everyone, everyone's like, like a chum, like a chum. Blump in my throat. So, but the, yeah, everyone knows it's like a gamble. Like, this is probably not going to work. This young hot shot still probably would want to fight. And he'd probably win because Enterprise is shit right now. Oh, yeah. Because nothing works.

It's below a skeleton crew, we're told. And it's being held, it's being run by a four, a guy that's the size of a fifth grader, you know what? me like so uh we're led to believe it doesn't work because we see the bird of prey uncloak in front of kirk and beam them up right but destroys god too by the way it blast god to shit yeah it's like suck on this and it takes like three seconds it's just a blast tough villain oh yeah sick dump andross is much tougher absolutely oh man those hands you got to get the hands first but listen it did work because right when kirk beams onto that ship we get the big old fat Klingon like pulling this captain,

this captain Klingon by the ear, like, bad boy. You're not wrong, though. You're being a bad boy. It's a scolding. It's a Klingon scolding. And like, isn't there a joke that he's going to be a janitor or something? Or no, he's like a whatever, like a, a lieutenant now or something. Oh, did this dude get demoted because of this action?

But the best is this, this fat Klingon's just like, no, say you're sorry to Captain Kirk. Oh, it's so fucking useless. Like, wait, what? And then, by the way, the next movie, the Klingons are trying to try Kirk. And, like, they hate Kirk. What is going on? It's so dumb.

But the Klingon's like, I had a little help from my new gunner. And this chair that is obscured by the camera turns around. Wouldn't you fucking know it? It's Leonard Nimoy. And it's like, for what? Who cares? Everybody's just going home. The movie's been over for a while now.

Nobody cares. But there is, to your point, Andrew, as you said this little earlier, like, there's a line that would work in a good movie because earlier in the movie Kirk's like, oh, when I was falling off that cliff, I knew I wouldn't die because I'll, it's kind of a weird line, it's like, I always do I die alone. That puts that campfire conversation to fucking

silence. Because the other two are like, ah. Oh, really? You think about this a lot. Captain, it's illogical to get this deep with your friends when you're just kind of drinking beer. They're like drinking a cooked up

whiskey. I can see this happening after a couple of balls of cooked whiskey. Some piping hot whiskey. Ro, ro, ro, you're... Come on, Jim. I'll always die alone. So then, like, yeah, what's great is Kirk says something like, you know, I thought I was done for, whatever it is, and Spock's like, well, of course you weren't going to die, because

you were never alone. And it's like an awesome, like, little line, and you're like, oh, that's cool. Maybe, you know, this script can save itself. And Kirk's crying at this point Yeah, and then it's just like Kirk goes to hug him and Spock's like Captain Not in front of the Klingons

And I'm like man You couldn't go fucking 120 seconds Without making a joke in the stupid script Yeah Don't hug me in front of the Klingons They'll think it's gross They're gonna laugh at us captain But later we'll shower together

You can put those dungarees back on. Here's a question because I know that the Kirk Spock slash fiction is omnipotent. Is there any old ones? Like is anyone getting into like and then they take off their maroon outfits and their saggy bodies

slam against each other. Oh like it was like an old man right. Yeah. I bet right? Why not? Somebody must be. Or it's like you know like Spock gets radiation poisoning again but like they won't let Kirk into the hospital because they're just partners and like marriage isn't legal. Oh wow. Oh yeah.

Like, it's real, like, social issues. Wait, wait, wait. Marriage isn't legal? It would have to be at this point. Well, who knows what gets turned around, man, after President Trump. That's true. You never know what's going to happen. Jim is doing a term, a Shirley McLean in terms of a demerment. She needs help.

She needs help. So there's a party at the end of this movie. No, it's not a party. It's a light reception. And everybody. But he's invited all of these Klingons that we hate. They're rotten guts. They're all invited to this little tea reception.

Well, Scottie puts a little whiskey in like the fat Klingon's glass. He's like, oh, try that on. I don't know why my accent. He's like, try that on for size. Like, I never thought I'd drink with a Klingon. But he doesn't drink with a Klingon. He immediately walks away from him. And there's this gross scene with Chekhov and Sulu,

who are these like gross little boys in this scene or like looking at the big strong Klingon lady, like following her around. Well, it's so great. They're like, they're like sneaking. behind her until they realize she's standing next to this like I guess demoted captain like this big dude and they're like hamina hamina

hamina and like they turn around like y'all like walk away from her it's so july can I can I stand on your shoulders and I could talk to her I'll wear this long cape so it looks like I'm a very tall man

verse case scenario I look down her chest that'll give me through the month. She takes the cloak off. It's just two guys on each other. She says, no, we're an alien. I'm a Japanese man down here and a very short Ukrainian man of year. Oh, no, I met her while wearing these Timberlins. Now I have to wear

them at all the time, so she'll know how short I really am. Oh, mercy. This reception is so stupid. The end of the movie is what? They go camping again. Well, yeah, it's Kirkbones and Scott and not Scotty. Scott, he's definitely not invited. Not only do they go camping, but it's like, it pans back, it pans back. And it turns out they were in like... Camp Crystal Lake.

Oh, my God, yes. Step into the nexus, Jason. But it looks like it's a children's book. Or, you know, it's like a painting, it's a bad or whatever, but it looks so bad. It looks like is Gumbie going to skate fine any second? Hey, Spock. Is he pissing on Spock? No, that's the sound they make when he skates away while also pissing.

And then Jason gets Gumbie. Oh, that would be cool. There you go. What doesn't make any sense about that reception, though, again, to harp on this thing? Because I hated so much this scene. Like, so are we back on the other side of the barrier? Yeah, good question. Because that was a whole supposedly dangerous thing that happened once.

This barrier doesn't do any. I mean, and also, like, Spock is like, oh, I are, I lost. I lost my brother. I kind of don't give a shit. But he is affected and then Bones is like, oh, you're green-blooded Vulcan, you always had me, I'm your brother or some nonsense.

We're all a fucking family. Well, and then, because Spurt, Spock. Oh, Spirk was the original name for Sybock. We're all going to die. We're not going to die alone. We're all going to die together. I've taken the liberty of poisoning all your dress.

Sybot inspired me. I was going to say You go from there You cut to him in the shower with them Oh nice You know We're all together now What I was trying

It's all end together now What I was trying to say was Kurt Let me try to fit in here Now we're all in Oh Jesus So not spirk But Kirk Says earlier in the film

Like people like us Don't have families So then like at the end At this fucking dumbass wine and tea reception he's like ah jim i thought you said something smart about we don't have families and then like he's kirk's just like i was wrong and it's we're making star trek history because it's the first time fucking william shatner is humble enough to have captain kirk admit that he was wrong about something well you know goes up to the dj and it's like put it on

oh what a night i just heard the best thing i ever heard in my life well you know jimmy nothing to change. If you can go away, I'm just going to stay here and always be the same. That's somehow lyrics in Nookie. It might be the bridge. What I've learned about this in this episode, which is really important, is there's a lot of lyrics to Nookie.

That's like, there's so many. I was like, what is this guy going to do with a fucking chorus? It's really, really deceiving. I can't believe that I'd been deceived by my so-called girl, but in reality, had a hidden agenda. She put my tender heart in a blender And still I surrendered like a chump Oh, I'm more familiar with Eve 6 from this period

Want to put my tender heart in a blender Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion Rendez-Voose, then I'm through with you, Captain Was that pre-oposed Sex and Candy Closing time To gives me through this Semi-time to candy

Dave Mmm, bop I love this idea It's better than Star Trek Five, the fucking Final Frontier That's the end of it Now that's what Starfleet calls music Volume 10

Would anybody recommend this movie? As a completest, I guess you kind of have to. Like, see it once. I've now seen it twice in about two years. That's way too many times. Sure. It's just, no. I mean, none of the characters are doing what you want them to do.

It's not really fun. And you want a big scene-chomping villain, which Cybok certainly is not. No. I would say maybe as a hangover situation, because obviously the plot is so thin. that you could pass out for numerous occasions. I think I did actually this time round.

I mean, for like, I would only say that's okay. If you're doing a hangover morning where you're just watching all of them and you finally get to it at like, what, 6 p.m. Yeah, I guess I need one more. Let's put it. It's only 107 minutes. Yeah, I'm with Steve. If you're a complete as sure, watch it once and be done with it.

But otherwise, do not go near this thing. So it's a light recommend. Yeah, like as the man who admitted earlier to see. seeing this upwards of 20 to 30 times possibly a 30 is maybe pushing it but definitely like in the 20 area uh yeah i don't know this probably isn't the last time i'll watch this movie here's your question do you love this movie so much no i'm not going to bust your favorite scene of the movie my favorite scene of this movie you've seen it a bunch you saw it as a kid like even what would even kid andrews favorite see kid andrew and this is the thing kid andrew is a fucking

I'm an idiot. Sure. Cat people, right? No, kid Andrew loved the camping. Oh, really? Because I was like, well, look, it's them doing things

that aren't on the ship. I do camping. You know what? They do camping. I'm going to say, you know, adult Eric kind of likes that stuff. I like seeing them do camping. It's different.

Yeah. It's something else. You know, we haven't had shore leave in a while in these movies. I mean, it was probably the show, right? Well, there was another occasion. I can't think of it. At the start of,

one of them is it is it two that starts they're on shore leave because it's like Kirk's birthday oh yeah maybe

there's the beginning there's definitely like some interesting San Francisco stuff I wear that terrible leather jacket yeah I think that's the beginning of Rath a con

because after that it just sets out on this like arc that pretty much continues throughout the episode it's an actual actual movie after that yeah that's the problem

is like if this was bookended with camping and there was an actually good movie in between it Sure. We wouldn't complain about it as much.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't be complaining about the camping if there was an actual... The rock climbing is ridiculous. Well, that's certainly stupid. That's where I draw the line. Yes. You want to sing around a fire? Sure. That's Star Trek 5, the Final Frontier, directed by Bill William Shatner.

If you want to get a hold of us, check out WHM podcast. Dot com or find us over at syshownetwork. Dot TV. Like us on Facebook. And follow us on Twitter, of course. We are at WHM podcast and right into the mailbag. we all hate movies at gmail.com right and review the show wherever you get it we would greatly appreciate it uh welcome back chris cabin thank you good to have you back it's been nice yeah uh so next week on the

season finale of we hate movies and chris will be here for that he will also be here for that yes i will a certain film with a certain nicholas cage and a certain i think it's gonna be a big old we love movies because i kind of love this movie it's dumb but it's fun get your hard rock cafe t-shirts It's Khan Air next week to round out the summer blockbuster extravaganza. Hashtagascar SBE 2016. Hashtag we want more. So until next week with Con Air on the season finale of We Hate Movies with Chris Cabin in attendance. I'm Andrew Jupin.

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